Exellence/Health/Mastery/Enthusiasm/Passion

[ValiantSalvatore]

This is my first post of the week that I am allowed to do randomly to contemplate briefly some stuff. I am aware of how tricky the perceptive field of many is I stopped reading and inspiring people even though I inspired some due to me beign ignorant on some fronts, especially the passion about the dangers of a.i and not following Schmachtenberger, as I saw him coming out and he felt so fake at the beginning, yet I appreciated him more like the dub-techno music. Coming from beign manly a Wilberian. I had a brief insight due to positive computing on the emotion of pride beign self-love as I denied a lot of these feelings, yet even in the Enneagram pride and love are intertwined. I am just more affirmed that my current path will get me the results I worked for years, and I don't mind it associating myself with lower and higher stages, earlier stages of development etc. I give my best to speak to all and I know life tests me more because of this, especialyl psychological strength and masculine strength, what I certainly miss is deep friendships that gave me so much internal strength as I enjoyed a lot of selfless living. I find it also very difficult due to group dynamics a lot of people over-evaluate themselves while I did all the work and the results don't speak the same to many due to a lot of expert bias. The amount of projections I endure from orange/green is heavily discriminating, and when I read what I read here, I know I am partially to advanced to the forum, yet it's like online-dating currently the top 10% of the forum has immense value and I am somewhat in the 30 range, my dating improved especially online-game and I notice how many people have inherited baseline values like.

• Respect
• Family
• Connection
• Communication
• Community
• Creativity
• Family
• Friendship
• Trust

These are the most common values I'd say I witness especially at blue/green. What I see... especially now is the bias around dating, and the sexual latent power abuse that many are aware of and thanks to yellows behavioural freedom (Wilber course), I can break a lot of these cycles, yet I lost strength and even when people can't fathom what they see they'll interprit it at that stage. I noticed how tricky it is to trust my gut feeling, as sometimes due to survival it's simply not possible and again. Consciouness favours me. It's irrevocable, you can claim and act as conscious as you want the same goes for me, yet consciouness certainly aids me in my path. It's an immense gain in clarity and stuff for sure acclimatizes. I certainly missed reflecting deeper on these values. Personal growth and gym where so tied, what I currently am unsure of is dark masculinity and dark feminity, and I can't run the only two succesful online-dating profiles, which are bad-boys and the professional, due to life styles and beign non-toxic mostly. I do have orginality a bit on my side, so I attract girls who are fitting, the point is collective dark feminity has been testing me I find more deeply ever since Andrew Tate is here and I am doing more conscious stuff, it's like a double-standard I feel is held by power abusing greens and ironically gay men somehow seem to be my best friend in helping me with this power struggle I don't know why. Yet it's insane how far men&women drift apart in Green and Orange and how important Yellow is I find green currently very coercive due to not beign the leading edge, I had a couple of leading edge kids in the ml class, who valued exellence so much, they just exhausted both orange and green and had yellow charactersitics. 

What bothers me is that I feel and some take an image out of this and this is where I knew who is real and who is not real. My best friend still sends me love and greets me, yet a lot of people don't realize they gaslit me with their level of doubt and skeptecism unintended etc. This is where "applied tough love" with real love intent is at best used, instead of skeptical dark masculine energy edginess of denial. The level of depth that I developed I find it tricky to maintain and many become so pulled to it, it bothered me a lot it feels like the consciouness gravity field at times from others deny a jump to the Turqouise/indigo I felt where I was fully functioning beyond ego. Also the gym is the best setup to also grow physiologically with stages as Wilber says, so I certainly lift! This is what I find so shallow about the current generation, they don't know what a value even is. The just know externalized emotions even in an app, yet not internalized emotions and values and many seek it in nature. The point is due to Andrew Tate and the toxic white society at times, I can't really allow myself to be a player like a white man can, it's an insane level of hypocracy I notice, the point is intent matters, and I see how also the "judeo christian culture" is beign a hinderance I once longed to read about it, yet I notice this destroyed my dating life partially. I still find it tricky to engage. (Beyond 15 minutes)

Update Rule:

• Define theme of post (Gym headline etc.)

[ValiantSalvatore]

Value assesment

I will update my value list today, as I have time and fully engage in the practice of the course as I seem resonable as I did them all once, and ideally do the applications also, so I can fully head into creating the external structure based on internal values and also set new goals for this year. They somehow change faster, and I print out the new sheet, and create the clarity, especially today and on saturday, also it does not give me as much as a negative internal ring of order, so I take some stress out, I'll definitely yearn to think a little deeper about these values, and to integrate them fully I also updated my note-taking again, after testing some stuff for pure development, and also my strategy for gaining knowledge to evaluate more and not to analyse more and to focus on design and creation is the hardest part still. 

I certainly can see stages at times so high the lower healthier stages don't have an affect, just to much negative forces, I'd like to craft a new part of myself that is steeped in these values more deeply, so I can build the career skill that I enjoy having, and finally fix dating and stay clear of Andrew Tate types, and enjoy more normal healthy drives and also ideally get a psychological coach who can work with me on the higher stages for dating. Especially inside the U.S. For now I'll do the value assesment. Many use this projection also to escape their own dark masculine traits, I might also go full woo-woo as this is how I started and I enjoy deep purple, I also had Leo as on of my role models, so I follow his post closely... and my masculine drive for competition, so seeing him saying survival of the fittest, which includes way more is great, and to see it coded into A.I possibly at least the algorithms, is interestingly beautiful then. I do trust the guy on a lot of things even when he goes on a verbal rampage as I did this also, and I know why also. This is mostly it, I'd love to make this announcement, and I see clearly why so many green Germans still love and tolerate me, as I am not like many. 

Dating at orange/green has become tricky, as Green only values intelligence as trait online mostly, and it has become a challenge to create chizzled not to "perfect" seeming online profile. Shaming is by far the worst stuff and using neurotic language is one hallmark of a insecure dark masculinity, I certainly hope there is someone who can express dark masculinity at more healthy as a lot of girls are attracted to it. Traits like domination for example. I just wonder how far consciouness can help, as it weeds out many girls and my attraction I notice due to beign a 4 in the enneagram can feel quiet toxic, and many don't get this especially stages below green, who are "you think you know me types", are the worst I hope this re-assessment will bring the change internally and I can externalize it then more readily deeply. (I presume above 15 minutes, I responeded to other posts). Last contemplation post of the week. Gym,Meditation is allowed. Progress is part of my values, if I split them up individually to much, it's a to tiny chunk to work with. I don't know if I focus on beign the intellectual power house I yearned to be, I don't find respect here. So I stopped reading mostly, and focus on integration, as blue/orange still dominates the culture. etc. etc. This is 100% enough for the week.
 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Meditation

• 55 minute session

What did I experience any themes? 

• Time as a theme and the contractive stress of it
• Anxiety as a theme and coffee 
• Creatine and coffee intake
• Research
• Memory, fantasy and planning
• Clarity
• LP
• Bias of corruption during presentation yesterday and how I am to honest
• Question if I am addicted to masturbation, as it seriously helps me to get out of bed I wonder if it is the dopamine release as well as latent horniness, I wondered for this first time if I am addicted. As I did no-fap etc.
• Sex drive high? 
• Operation and how I am seemingly over it
• Synchronicities
• The energy level map for emotional mastery addition
• Difficulties today visualizing, I ironically visualizer better when I don't masturbate and just after I masturbated etc.
• Carrer options and moving countries
• Master's degree worries 
• Positive outlooks even if worse-case scenario
• Sending Leo love during meditations, it's difficult to show gratitude to people where I feel their cynicism at times blocked my growth, yet overall I see the bigger picture and forgive and send love 

Today is a day, where I clearly notice that creating clarity is of importance and tomorrow is a holiday in Germany, so I am taking the full day to create the order and values, I also talk to the career advisor, and so I have directly both the internal and external groundedness. I did the exercises from the course about values and I clearly see, how difficult it is to life my life purpose. I might take strength and friendships as core values next year, as they are such a fundamental pillar. I do have some stuff to do today, and ideally I get to do mathematics, and I have an enormous amount of joy. What bothers me is power dynamics and how they play themselves out and how the fear contraction forced me into the expert bias and status perception at times. 

Otherwise I do simply have to say, I am grateful I have this opportunity, and I can slowly still move myself into a direction, especially with a work students thingy, I just hope everything works out, hypersensetivity is not easy at times. Anything else?

Gratitude Journal

• I am grateful to experience less stress and not drink coffee 
• I am grateful that I am consistent with my workouts and hit personal bets without causing injury
• I am grateful for the German healthcare system and German systems themselves mostly
• I am grateful that I am not associated with cynnical Schadenfreude types of status cravers because they heavily manipulate for power for the tiniest imperfection 
• I am grateful for humans who have compassion and can exercise it properly
• I am grateful that I don't contribute anymore to the bitterness of humanity
• I am grateful that I have clarity as value

This post is over 15 minutes, goal is to keep this under 10-15 minutes, and be efficienty and productive, and to not overanalyse and take more action on the analysis and evaluations that occured. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Meditation (Visualization)

59 minute meditation, I love the current weather to go on a tangent. Themes during this meditation.

• Atomic habits audiobook
  • 4 key changes as to how change occures on a systemic plan and to not do things based on habits
• Way of superior men audiobook
  • How important it is to keep your word as a man, and that the girl in the did simply not appreciate that, also the point about money I would yearn to find a girlfriend who does not love me for hypergamy
• Distinctions
  • Higher efficiency 
• A.I
  • The love and the difficulty of it
• Open & Closed eyes
  • Distraction or practice? I do both even in distraction
• Fear & Panic
• Identity & Meditation
  • Early riser identity and overcoming obstacles visualizations
• Systems instead of habits
  • Notion as a system for habits does not work, I use the white board as well as even a habit book for clarities sake
• Enviromental Design
  • Creating an enviroment that make habits more conducive
• Heart based meditations
  • Feels great
• Change and visualization
  • Adaptive techniques work doubt about effectivness, and posture

I could briefly test a new way to create clarity, this would be it for now. I had some other doubts & fears and instantly created hatred internally for Germany and the type of 6'ish thinking that is not processed consciously and how much chaos and panic fear causes as well as gaslighting and the subtle anger and how true the enneagram book is for an entire collective, and how this still dovetails with the attitude of hitler, and how they subtely spread anger and shame each other at times for this. As 6 moves to 9 in integration meaning there is more peace and quiet, yet they don't realize this is a peak not a stability. They do I might have to high expectations and I also have a lot of anger in me due to German family and cynnical nature of denial and agnostics. Who take safety in the fear of doubt and their reality. While beign to close-minded and I might be to over-eager to convince at times. 

Otherwise I focus on tiny systemic changes and look for the smallest possible leverage point, without to much effort, so I can focus the real effort into other things. As well as integrate more healthy masculine and stay of weird channel like the attraction channel that guy feels so fake, there are billions of coaches the point is he fundamentally runs on two different stage types, red and orange creator and status and I don't resonate with this type , this guy makes stuff toxic that is not and claims all the power, utterly disgusting I don't like it. 

• First change ditch the cheap water filter as it does not filter key stuff from the last time I researched and hence I have more efficiency without sacrificing health, only taste.

Rule Update:

• If I forget the gratitude journal I am allowed to post it here no matter time etc.

Gratitude Journal

• I am grateful for seeing the beautiful sun out today
• I am grateful I am getting rid mostly of the negativity of doubt and fear
• I am grateful that I can visualize better day by day
• I am grateful to feel less hatred against certain stuff and more self-love
• I am grateful to feel less influenced by power and power games
• I am grateful to create the life that I dreamed of and the skill
• I am grateful that I am human and I hope I can realize some stuff deeper than guys like Ralph Smart I don't enjoy the to strong human stance, I would love all beigns, politics is different
• I am grateful for having new friendships 
• I am grateful that I am allowed to do what I am allowed to do in terms of studies

Edited June 8, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Post Gym

What happend what do I want to write about?

• a) Atomic Habits
• b) Personality test

There are other thoughts, yet I found this on the atomic habits website and did the short version of it. http://www.personal.psu.edu/~j5j/IPIP/ipipneo120.htm

This is somehow the test where the big 5 is based upon? 

ChatGpt comparison

The IPIP-NEO (International Personality Item Pool-NEO) test is actually a specific version of the Big Five personality traits assessment. The Big Five, also known as the Five-Factor Model (FFM), is a widely accepted framework for understanding personality based on five broad dimensions. These dimensions are:

Openness to experience: Reflects a person's preference for novelty, creativity, and intellectual curiosity.

Conscientiousness: Relates to an individual's level of organization, responsibility, and dependability.

Extraversion: Refers to the degree to which a person is outgoing, assertive, and socially energetic.

Agreeableness: Describes a person's tendency to be compassionate, cooperative, and considerate of others.

Neuroticism (sometimes referred to as Emotional Stability): Represents the extent to which someone experiences negative emotions like anxiety, depression, and emotional instability.

The IPIP-NEO test is a specific measurement instrument that assesses an individual's personality traits within the framework of the Big Five. It consists of a set of questions or items designed to capture variations in each of the five dimensions. The IPIP-NEO is based on the International Personality Item Pool, which is a collection of personality items that researchers can use to create personality tests.

In summary, the Big Five is a general framework that describes personality in terms of five broad dimensions, while the IPIP-NEO is a specific test that measures these dimensions using a set of standardized items.
----

a) Otherwise, I don't enjoy how I neglect stage orange/green and maybe yellow type of development, I thought in the car, "oh there are so many factors contributing to SD, I read the book two-three times with notes and other spiral dynamic books, and audiobooks a couple of times. I certainly could hear it again I notice now, it helped me a lot to deal with the cyclical nature and challenges of stages in life. I'll give my best to get more personality theory insights, the enneagram is a bit to deep and I get triggerd 99.9% of the time. Because of how obvious it makes stuff. 

b) I took the short version and scored 94 in openess, 66 in extroversion to my surprise even though I am Infj and 56 in conscientiouness at the beginning where JP was still liberal I took his test, and I scored a whopping 2nd percentile. Anyway this is for another day.

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Meditation
50 min

What did I notice what were given themes?

• Systemic habit thinking and integation of new values (not finished, yet with the exercises)
• Focusing on beign more loving and strong and masculine (passion/enthusiasm)
• Getting stress as much as possible out of my system
• Depth and why I at times prefer superficial stuff 
• The happiness list etc. pain, depth and fullfilment
• My injury
• Idenity based archetypal meditation

I am doing this atomic habits enormously helped me to come back to my practical nature, and I see why I am doing this switch again long-term I change techniques a lot I know, due to life circumstances etc. This I feel will at minimum be a 3 months endeavour, so I integrate more of what I read 1-2 years ago about success and practicality and embody it inside and outside. 

• I am a strong c.s nerd and geeky guy who is good with girls & women
• I am an early riser
• I am an loving an strong athlete & lifter who loves health

I am going super super positive I love the summer and I spot so many activites that I yearn to do, yet injury prevents this partially. I still could surf, swimm, dive etc. All of this so health and consciouness and computer science will be nr.1. Prio

I love myself! Yes!!

Gratitude Journal

• I am grateful for feeling the postivie affects of my workout more life energy and healthy drive to be more loving towards myself and love myself
• I am grateful for the beautiful sun saying hello today and for compliments from girls that go into the hello sunshine direction it really opens my heart, when I am loved like the sun
• I am grateful for solving mathematical problems with patience and reason fully knowing solving takes time
• I am grateful for the new envigorating energy to solve problems and be more healthily masculine to move from domination to assertion and confidence
• I am grateful for nature the beautiful garden infront of me and that I am out of my hometown
• I am grateful to applying to a.i and software development job opportunities and to see virtue in myself based on character, character depth based on a strong meditation habit 
• I am grateful to see progress and efficiency as connection to others and feel love! Thank you today!!

 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Meditation
15 min

I have an appointment with a trainer and drank some red wine yesterday. I was interesting in contemplating a topic, yet I have to say looking for systemic habits just thinking about systems already made it more interesting to me to change mindset etc. I find it difficult to find an activity that is not work/uni related to be fun. 

Edited June 10, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Update Rule

• Rule on the weekend I am allowed to post as often as I want on one day, and if I feel extremely lonely etc, I can post up to 5 times per day. 

I thought about self-control and temperance and health and how long I have valued this. I'll post briefly about this.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Getting older video games and enjoyment of life, natural exhaustion of materialism?

I thought about this after the gym, as well as how I am becoming more and more interested in programming even in my free time more often as I barely get any joy out of video games anymore, like I did when I was a child and a teenager, it is what originally got me to c.s and when I see coding books I at times see FUN!(same with courses) written all over them like I would do with video games. I played Leauge of Legends yesterday I keep downloading the game and then playing when I really need a break from smth. I barely play more than 10h a month maybe 2-3h a month max. What I notice is how little joy I get and how I used it in the past to contemplate reality. Ever since I felt I fully hit yellow and scratched turqouies and felt stable there, I still consider myself mostly Turqouise/Yellow life conditions make it tricky to exactly enact all of the enviromental cirumstances, so it's easier to say I am working at ego developmental stage construct aware, without getting into the specifics and expert level. 

I contemplated the topic mastery today briefly at the gym and I notice, how much joy I got out of this in video games, especially leauge of legends, yet I notice how somehow due to me changing and reading, ditching video games focusing on mastery I just have this latent anger, as I really yearned to be a pro player, and I had so much joy when I had this attitude and perception of myself to play the game, the point is I can't uphold it as much anymore ever since I got injurey I can't deny that my biggest mental strength my physical health deteriorated so fundamentally, that I don't feel as much power and internal self-control and I just don't know, yet I am not winning and not getting better, so I thought about what caused this? 

I thought about how I started to learn chess and had immense joy solving difficult problems and beign and becoming a problem solver, and how to enjoy my life and how chess contributed to that inner child feeling and healing. I  just used ChatGpt and google to legit find stuff, and PC gaming was one of the things I enjoyed as a kid a lot, especially strategy games and I believe diablo, I can't recall I was to young to comprehend and they just showed me how the pc worked and gave me a bunch of cd's with games. I don't even know what they cost or if I still have it... I must have thrown it away. 

I thought about how  this is still an inspiration for c.s, yet how I mainly played single player and open world games and thought about how I can use it for my current inspiration of coding and life purpose and inner child healing. I love also to compete against others and how much I loved RPG games for their role playing. The witcher 3 has by far been the best game I played in recent years even gwent, as I deemed it also more intellectual and I enjoyed also so much the shamanistic and magical world, as well as beign a druid in that sense etc. For me it's often the holistic emotions that I feel I forget so much of story, as I emotionally don't enjoy the small talk as much I used to care so much about personality and character, and the Baldurs Gate 3 dialogs have been enticing me extremely to play the game and explore the art and acting/thespianism/histirionics. Now I find somehow it difficult to find a game that is enjoyable that as mastery in it without becoming super controling and competitive and I don't have the energy anymore and I am also so deeply in the softness aspect than of feminine as a contrast it makes these games with guys unplayable for me. Understanding these systems also don't feel like I get the complexity that I usually yearn for and enjoy and I don't know, me beign half black in that sense, makes it unfun at times when I am beign authentic and I sniff out so many intentions and I just loose my mental, even when I look at audiobooks etc. The amount of vulnerabillity I had and I legit re-tested this, with this odd test is to high to not get expolited in these games, it's to much negative emotions, even if my score overall is average with beign in the 50th percentile.

I really started also enjoy video games that include gathering I used to feel so stressed and I had so many bad habits playing this game, as I just dealt with fear and anxiety with this game and escapism (leauge of legends) and it was still one of the largest joy when it came to competition, as my high school had very bad equipment for exercise and I had so many girls in my class I just dominated the whole time it was not even fun to try... and the vulnerbillity and etc. attitude and beign helpful and open might feel great, yet it did not balance my masculine nature out. We then had a great sports hall to do exercises, yet yeah I find it tricky to engage and find new activites. What I learned in my early twenties is that I enjoy photography and travel and adventure still a lot and I certainly yearn to do some research and look for some rare animals and animals in regions and keep track of it. To combine the most healthy activities like watching birds etc. 

The point is I don't know what video game causes enjoyment, especially as I lack the abillity to get physicall deep into fear and I just seem to build more stability and success. I don't know what to play, I used to enjoy face-paced and dextery, now all of that has been lost physically I can do things in a balanced way, I can still be quick on a computer and I yearned to train different skills and changed stuff, the point is it's still a misguided activity and I really miss the connection to others, many are just working, eating and sleeping and hanging-out. I really yearned to createa a life with multiple hobbies that included the digital world, and I feel a bit lost, I used to enjoy the grind of maxing out skill, as well as on release date of a server etc. To reach and climb for Nr1 in online fantasy games mostly. Yet it has more merit. Also the deep mechanical interaction where I saw "god" in that sense.... also close to gone, as my body is just not where it was and I don't know how to relax and chill. Even if I get the thrill now I know with the time and energy that I have, I can't play at the level without sacrificing to much, how early you need to start and how little humans know, how littel I know reading with audibooks close to 150 books, I stopped as others legit gaslit me and I was so fking eager and curious to learn and integrate, while they are like shut up do your work nobody cares. 

When I gained more mastery, I noticed I feel the depth and comfort in pain, and it's enjoyable and it's enjoyable to go beyond myself, yet I can't ruin my health and making a list of what is enjoyable to me the pain I currently have when I would do this in a video game, I can only do it in chess so far. I can't play fast games anymore even if my reaction times are better than younger kids, it's just the emotional autism online is a horrible trend and it's out of fear, anxiety and shame. It's also heavy to me how emotional I become and how much anger I was able to let out through these games and frustration. This is also normal and healthy to feel and express it, the issue was my family repressed it and is still in denial. They have the superb abillity to contradict themselves and gaslite, I don't know why. I believe at times now my grandma was the only one who could fully let her emotions out and I knew she hated this about Germans also. The lack of self-expression and mechnicalness and cold-heartedness. She died yesterday 3 years ago....

Right know I sort of yearn for a lifestyle where I feel fullfilled where I can do small stuff that I enjoy for example buying a pound of cannabis and still working out, and getting to know femine nature more, going out into nature and simply beign there learning about it etc. With all this tech and career I miss cool stuff that I could do, and especially the inner child feeling and getting better at micro not makro. I always took pride in this, it was like I was training a weakness the point is my biggest strength and weakness is balance. It's a gift and a curse, when I can't balance higher? 

The value of exellence and to bring this to video games and mastery etc. I notice how this is a self-revolving door and has some trauma beneath it, that stems from anger from preperation failing and not getting the gurantees I yearn for based on a deep gut feeling. I also thought more about genetics, and I at times see how far society and my initial prediction could go even in a healthy route. So.... I dunno I also played so much of them when I was depressed, also the depth of which I did activites even to just move out to "depression" as I had it for the second time. Is immense. Most would not do this. I certainly see why I would enjoy living in a big city going to night clubs and getting to know people, I enjoy randomness a lot and with this amount of clarity and percision at times, it's painful to be that accurate. Even when I enjoy it. I feel like I have to much emotional damage and trauma coming out from the collective "white society". 

The point is this post was about healing and I miss sort of my asian friends with video games who believed in me it's ridiculous how much internal strength that gave me. What I certainly notice is I miss them even for inner child and teenage notions of joy and fun, and somehow when I am with an asian friend mostly we find activites that are very fun for one of us at least, and at least more often. So I miss this somewhat. I find it tricky to enjoy certain stuff and sometimes I notice how hardcore all of this is even if it's a 5-10 min bike ride to the gym 4-5 times a week, how much energy and vigor this can zap. I notice also my nutrition for energy is not optimal. I have not been eating much fruit also lately. I also began doubting my IQ because of video games, and I do have to say I am most likely still for many an extremely fast learner, yet the depth take me a lot of time and sometimes very silly and basic stuff, it's odd. I feel like often I am the gate that opens mastery for others more deeply, as soon as I can do smth. thousands of others can do it also. 

What I certainly feel is how heavily I can get pulled into positive emotions of music and or a game, yet I stopped enjoying eu culture because of the standoffish green and sort of odd stance and feel I get even when I feel a natural pull. I can't at times pinpoint at the exact things that ground me as well as help me to change direction properly I could code now and I would enjoy it, yet I also notice I yearn for some play. Beyond this and I don't know anymore what that is. Usually I buy on hype, as I buy for the upper emotions knowing this will not kill anyone... etc. Many take more time in the refinement and time of a video game, I also enjoyed the recognition I received, and I noticed today at the gym. How tricky it is to deal with spiritual notions and porn and ejaculation and the entire digital degenerate culture and anti-emotionality. I am very emotionally aware, I am just not good at dealing with others emotions as I super-sensetive to this.

I am a bit confused as I love accuracy and the pain of getting better as to what to play and enjoy from time to time, when I play a chess game now the engine is already interesting more to me, then other video games, yet I enjoy mastery so much even in oblivion etc. I just simply don't know what to play and enjoy. It was also so enjoyable to share ressources, skills and tricky with friends, I lost all of this somehow all of this depth I felt and power .... I changed so much ..... and I am still not done.... The point is I also did not have that much of a choice, and still I can see how much good some scientist etc.do, yet also the human hierachy in that sense, to be that original creative pillar. How much time I wasted, as to the talks and mental conditioning of others, and how much this has shifted, as well as how I barely find anytime for things I enjoy as they require to much depth. 

I read the advice of scheduling my free time, I did it worked very well and I'd still say I love it, as I can just be rebellious and just say fuck it plan today, I ma do smth. else and enjoy the freedom of time constraitns and pressure. Then again self-discipline even when you don't enjoy something is so important, so I don't know the point is when your health suffers there is something seriously wrong, and even if I love the game that I am talking about as it connected me to consciouness and another world. I miss somehow the higher skill ceicling and I become subconsciously bored and fascinated with basics, and I don't enjoy the social manipulations with this due to skin color, I don't fuck with it to be frank. I don't enjoy it that much and even when I learned the basics are fun, I don't enjoy the collective projections as I feel dumb then, yet I have also to re-condition myself and find strength in doing the basics is fun and smart. The point is for me, there is usually other stuff I'd like to build mastery in and even when I started building it. I miss some fun activites. I'll play one video game for a bit, that I know I can enjoy partially, yet the point is the entire video gaming culture and many cultures, I don't resonate that much with it anymore. 

I legit tested my reaction time and it has even became faster, I feel as I got rid of more trauma, I just don't know why I am not winning in these games, as I stopped to analyse the gamer as I become so toxic for others as I care to much I struggle to be indifferent, same goes even in dating. I became better, yet this looses me games lol.  This is also what bothers me I find weird buggy mechanics and the lack of analysis and evaluation and creation I usually did, so I still see mastery and take care of holism. I really believed I could be highly skilled in multiple areas, yet I see now how long it takes to get even skilled in one area. Although this gave me more of an interest to research the more "practical orange/blue" end out of my own enjoyment of it. To work and improve what I have, it's odd how dependt I make this of a single video game, yet I legit felt so much joy in this and I noticed, especially when my grandma died how much trauma is beign played out, and legit how many jump the gun when they have and I have the perception of myself as black, it's legit self-created it's insane. It barely has any advantage. I used to love to train certain skills that are applicable and micro and play nerd games such as Osu to train my reaction time etc. I really was able to handle tough love better somehow I became immensely vulnerable due to racism, colorblindess, myopia and other stuff, and I don't know exactly how to reduce this besides with shamanic breathing and trauma work, I notice when I just did the reaction test. I am faster than I was now due to not clicking from stress in my nervous system, just a softer tone of stress from my nervous system.That is also what I meant with full body presence and beign pro I certainly notice how trauma held me back ... *sigh**.... I also can't seem to find a proper video game to play, without playing for to long. Reading currently I certainly notice this is also interesting. Hm.... I don't know I don't have that much inner child activites and teenager activites, that feel like healing.

• Exercise
• Extremely good friendships 
• Cycling and swimming and beign in nature on the weekends, especially and then playing a video game 
• Programming and coding
• Anything festive and cultural
• MUSIC!
• Chess 
• Reading 
• Analysis and Evaluation, refinement beign good at what others are good at.... ironically this gave me joy... outcompeting

All in all I am doing fking well man. What i have to say is doing the trauma work is more important than I thought for my nervous system. Especially with the physical exericse I get the trauma impulses also out etc. I could also read about strategy and healthy red again. So I am just chilling now and I'll medidate and do some other personality insight test later this evening and. Just stop it with the leauge of legends currently I just can't seem to get the feeling for it and I created to many bad habits, of stuff that worked for me. It's legit also only one habit now, beign to emotionally and feeling traumatized and the subtle "wrath" and anger gaslighting etc. This bothered me also, that my psychotherapist had no access to this and did not see this as valid points for dealing with traumatic events. It was all about family and family history. Although so much living today is still digital. I do the proper parts of the values again. The point is I felt gaslit by so many things and I did not know vulnerabillity is a trait and it's my most negative emotions and many talk about embracing and not reducing it. So what about that?
 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I'll be making some distinctions I don't believe from all psychotherapists I had they legit mastered any of this proficiently, with vulnerabillity and shadow etc. I am drinking one coffee (second of the week) and still give more joy and look into what creates and gives me joy and clean myself to be able to healthiy pursue mastery. Shamanic breathing and cold showers (water could be cooler) are so fundamentally deeply important for healing all of the shame etc. Stuff stored today I was a cute girl at the bakery store I felt so ashamed to be attracted to her. I don't know why this was an interesting super suprising pattern and I instantly know, why I am very good at recognizing. More or less fortunately. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

The pain of generating insights:

I'll be seeing what I can do when the full value change and meaning happens and re-create the joy etc. What I have been seeking I stopped mainly and I see even now when I readjust and gain mastery, it's not all to bad, the point is with so much information and steadily reaching for the deep end, I for sure can see how thinking about multiple life times is even an alleviation of mastery in that sense. 

It's insane what a proper adjustment does when I can integrate other skills, what I certainly notice inner child healing is not lost, as long as I keep readjusting stuff that favours the healing and not wounding. I know I am highly opportunistic usually and there is even some game theory that as well as systems. I definitely could exchange the word theory for system. Now that I have a better knowledge base on what does what and a better feeling I really enjoy feeling mastery at stuff, and this little change seriously was tremendously good. I experimented so much and I keep noticing how much a tiny difference systemically matters. If I could lower my table to 60cm that would be ideal I set very very upright I take care of posture a lot. I also drink coffee differently and the proper downtime is just awesome for learning and embracing inner and outer persona. Still specific training and doing bouts of hardcore intensive work is important, what I learned with the new learning system I did not put this into a proper test, yet besides immediately for academics, what I can say is. I still notice habitual patterns as I see why Leo used the language so much, when I see lower order thinking and why this is a serious issue, and why even smart liberals turn lazy. The point is how hard analysis and evaluation and creation is as higher order thinking. As well as builds deep memory, understanding and application. I was right to demonize application, yet if nothing is left to do apply! This is what I have learned and testing and recalling is creation etc. What bothers me is how I did not leverage proper chunking enough. 

Also putting myself into the identity of another, especially when I can sustain longer bouts of higher cognitive order thinking. What I can say is this. Finding these small leverage points systemically like even a gratitude journal over the past 3 years has built tremendous happiness I at least once per week get tremendous feeling of joy, enthusiasm with a strong mindfulness whole body experience. What bothers me is the responsibility. The point is I got shamed by application and application etc. That I started to just apply and comprehend lower order, this is also a bias I run into daily, and I can pretty fast figure out who is the real deal. I cherished analysis till A.I hit the field. Now it's more about evaluating properly and creating. What I certainly see is c.s is a life style you love it and I certainly have to get into the geeky side and find inner stabillity and take care of health. My health is so fine by nutrition it's really the last 10-20% to max out and get better at cooking etc. Where I notice fuck the projections of others are getting to me, and the relative truth about it is, reality is a bitch. If you truely would have come from a deep profound place of well-being they would steer off.
---
I just checked deadlifts and the form of it I did not do it in perfection yet and the form I can draw the distinction for me, when I go down it's fine till I reach the floor, when I move back up I notice that I sometimes curb my spine in the mid section of the deadlift movement going up. So I do this after 6-7 reps and then I adjust depending on weight lower. 

Uhm, what distinctions I can also draw is. I could stop when I do coding courses doing the little extra and just do the course, without acting like a trailblazer, I don't know as society enforces the humility value into me, and I get a lot of strength in this, I never thought as when I play a video game. I am the dude that slightly favours dexterity over strength and neglects maintains vitality. I see this was also my approach when going to the gym, to draw some parallels. What I certainly notice is how having key hobbies and creating systemic clarity reduces massive friction inside and outside. Especially the cooking/food and living room section for me. My form is good enough also to not cause any injury and when I focus on vitality and take learning and knowledge seriously, I know I will find more healthy humans beigns who support me and believe in me, instead of causing skeptical destruction. 

What I notice else is this. That the commitments and time I have make it tricky, I definitely have to see how to draw a more optimal systemic goal setting approach and multi systemic goal setting. I am not finding good apps, my excel skills are not that great, and I don't like notion anymore and I was forced to adaopt a very "original and process oriented type of thinking organically" that made practical thinking at times iffy. As I don't get the most joy out of creating "order", yet I get joy in creating clarity. It feels lighter and less friction, less drama, and more skill acquistion, what I notice is also that sometime the dirty stuff is fun. What bothered me was that when I studied and did more courses and learned from failures is. How my brain does not shut off, and I become obsessive about the stuff I am improving at. There was a time where I was very proud of this, regardless of how petty the pursuit. What I notice here is how many humans gaslit each other and themselves on the notion of knowledge, and now understanding also often, not as much learning. 

For me it's tricky as I associate subconsciously and consciously this "beign good" lifestyle as a looser lifestyle, and I notice how little time I have practically and my sex drive etc. I might skip ashwaganda, as my sex drive is out of the roof with it and just take DHA and b-complex and creatin for now. The point is I don't like using apps and the phone so much, when doing goals. The current form I have is fine. I don't find a proper app currently, it's more about systems and lifestyles of sytems living. I used to write down everything in a bullet journal, the other journal I had was to close to burn out, and I notice other changes. What I can say is for goals. Using anything digital sucks for me, I certainly yearn to use a pen and a book, as I have at least written 5-7 journals by hand, and I thought it was so cool etc. The point is simply this systems are what drove me, and understanding systems, now it's like fuck where is the depth of consciouness at. That I experienced when I exhausted the systems in systems in systems I built. What I can say is this, I love the feeling of building stuff from scratch... somehow I garnered a taste for this at the age of 18-21. What I could do is take the principles and write in a specific journal in bullet format the goals, with all principles and goal systems that worked. Process goals are great, yet I burn out and can't maintain so many processes. SMART goals never worked for me never ever. 

Everything I wrote by hand was just shot to pieces by external events where stuff broke down, and I miscalculated stuff. The visual input from the LP course is good, yet it's not sufficient. I like my digital systems also clean, so not many apps, a couple of go to deep systems and systems built and a lot a lot of time for integration, I saw this was the mistake of many intellectual types. This definitely brings more clarity. I still have one book, here asking more what if questions also. What if I am right? Could be a very important question. The point is the bullet journal type of planning and google calendar with notion is very good, I setted up systems and systems, yet the complexity go out of hand. I still struggle with this and I might delete some journals. I also feel like I miss some tools, like a tablet to draw ideas etc. I am getting into an important distinction here. I drop the ashwaganda and set more clear goals and look at principles and systems and briefly write about these systems by hand. 

To have weekly, monthly and daily goals for sure is good, yet there needs to be better and deeper research, I can also do the structure like this and integrate multiple systems. I like it when I know that I don't know what I am doing and growing. So this upper bound setting and habit stacking is something I did not do in accordance with the habit implementation technique, as I've been reading about success and a key principle seems to be to focus on the successes you've built emotionally, mentally feel it be it get into this godlike state!

As well as I seem to be a good backwards measurer "reflection" did I squat 250kg last week (example) yes, I did can I go for 255? Stuff like this. Is immensely powerful to me, and I love to research this. Yeah I'll use this with a couple of goals and write this by hand. 

Yeah this is better and reduced and aligned with the courses, I am afraid of clarity for some reason also, because of the pressure and expectations others have and the subtle shaming that can occure. I'll especially stay away from bitter people. Things also happen, so fast I don't have time to set goals and have to rely on decision making. So yeah, at times just beign "optimus prime". Seeing how my scheduling and goal setting align. I might stop reporting my posts entirely and just do the graitude journal and a brief sentence of what I am thinking about. Maxmially 1 paragraph. 

Update Rule:

• Only one paragraph of text per meditation session, set efficient settings and continue the gratitude journal, there is more you can be grateful for!

If I get more traction I continue back to digital, yet I lost somehow some power to this setup, due to whatever hit me and ideas and etc. I dunno.

• No more ashwaganda sex drive is to high (at least now, when I do game well....) fuck Jack Harlow  
• Goal journal specifically only for goals (buy one next month) I did this journal and I thought it dovetails with the process orientation, that is missing from the LP, and I can keep the list for orientation
• This is the best system I bought besides for the lp for 19€ it's super cheap for a system that works. This prevented burn-out beyond everything. I also like finished systems, doing everything from scratch is to much. 

Falling in love with systems again even at orange! The denial I did! Due to heavy bias. Yeah. I buy the book even now. The point is I would even use this book for hobbies. This whooore (David Deida sorry) from Tinder omfg, I have never seen such obvious sluttyness and I dislike the fking disgusting paradigm it evokes in my brain if you are a girl and you have 0 temperance, yet value ressources like wtf. I can see this clearly. 

For anyone interested, no affilate link:

https://www.amazon.de/-/en/Matthias-Hechler/dp/1631066633/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2EYBAJZMGOE31&keywords=success+journal+matthias&qid=1686412648&sprefix=success+journal+matthias%2Caps%2C78&sr=8-1

I really enjoy this to work with the lp, as they work together, and it's an LP create in of itself for a budget version with the same potential power, in this day and age it's most likely the most intelligent thing to do to max out stage orange, from higher levels. It's fun usually. Especially with others who wear the same googles...... 

But OKAY DUDE! My priorities will shift from fun, also and I just will value these activites and play some chess and jerk off legit. Most video games I'd like to have a better setup and a 4k TV, and for gaming true gaming, I would set a schedule like a gym mostly. I am not doing this and focus on coding. 10-15 year vision coding and digital art. Build what you love. Learn what I love. I just don't find much joy with more systems, the point is I am so fking greedy, I legit had all fking consoles and a pc at one point. Still I like technology so much I just will create the mindset to find more fun with it. Especially the joy/fun/enthusiasm side. 

I am allowed to delete a journal per month. 1 June, this is for my own safety and I will see how far I can go without stressing myself the biggest worry is my car, and I can still fix it as I did save money etc. What I can say is how strongly I had to believe in systems and how cold humans are as they value connection and sex a lot in a sense imo. With this I feel I can get passionate about PD again, as it's not all screen etc. This is fundamentally it. Finding joy in working on stuff & courses. I notice when I have some serious time and more income, I will upgrade some stuff from the lp, and also re-listen to some key sections to find ideas for better upgrades. 

What I miss is serious time for play and improvement. I ruined chances as I lost friends etc. I still struggle with the over valuing of the value of connection, connection can be cheap, if I don't have a deep connection with myself. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Clarity = Pain

This should exhaust and get a core values deeply down into myself legit maxing out character so the blue pill can't complain besides seeing it's own red pill might call it purple, yet violett seems to make that somehow clear? Maybe ask archetypes let's see.... how much sprints work. I was not built for marathons, when I take things out of the equation etc. I also have ideas for a cardio and six pack day finally.... The guy I have is good as he coaches others, and is not a theorist like the last one. Even if he is not as knowledgable he creates structures that work! Love it. 

I will eventually schedule play time again, and stay off apps, and re-create reading stuff and tiny habits. There are some tech upgrades I yearn for that are costly, yet they facilitate my lifestyle. I am most likely also done with cycling due to injury and the latent anger and german anger stupidity I am not interested to drive into a car when I am pissed. If there is more room, I'll cycle for now I just have this for tours with friends. Walking/Sprinting feels safer for me even running fast ... no joke... I am not a safe driver and I miss flexibility, when I have more strength built and form I'll focus on vitality as part of stretching etc. So things do happen in accordance. I do the value exercise from Leo now also, so I have this down. When the journal arrives, and I can combine these two very well for plan/organisation/order and the clarity -> productivity end and efficiency to effectivity. 

I do have to take the other test from atomic habits to get even more insights about my personality structure I saw how I can reduce vulnerabillity, yet the counter-intutive part could be expressing it, might be good, the alignment of certainly values and the value shifting might be more important, as this kaleidoscopic projection and psychological game is heavy. As well as set deep readings in red/orange to know these games more deeply. Know thyself and know your enemy. We will create healthy habits again! It's summer time . As well as I took playfulness and spontaneity out, because of how much shit this has caused me. There is stuff that changes, also so buying certain clothes etc. I hope the new Leo episode will be a killer, I don't know at times when I go through the book list etc. Yet this is so "bad" for "game" and Die Hörner abstoßen... funny right? As well as it's very good for dating, yet the blue pill hypergamy shit has been bothering me and why I see liberation is important as a mindset, I saw a girl today that is beyond by my instinct the value of hypergamy and values life and earth as a human not as a value giving "female hypergamy instinct" similar to my mother, the materialism might come out a bit, yet it's insane if my mother would have lived more healthily how good of a human she would be simply as a supporter it would not matter as much if she has an IQ of 20003050 and has 3x doctoral degrees, as she values good work ethic and humans and animals and is not neurotic and likes to exercise. I notice also how I can train my social skills etc. 

Dude the guy for the job interview sent me a heart. Wtf is that???? huh??? I am beign cast for gay IT company doing gay things at gay office times? WTF does this even mean? Where did the joy go from making fun of things, I wonder how strongly I can make this self-reference disqualifying jokes and if they work for game I loved this about myself, to be so radically self-ironic it's shocking and I loved the connection to others who are more marginalized simply for vitality feels. That is also an interesting connection. Otherwise:
 

• Ralston Audiobook
• Atomic Habits Audiobook
• Way of Superior Men Audiobook
  • Less music in gym
• Create a reading habit again, start with sex & game, wait till new book is here for all goals etc. (Thursday) 
  • Buy new vacuum cleaner
  • Be true boring human, but have fun so who gives a shit, I don't have to sky dive, take crack and cocain while sky diving, fart 12 times and call the police to send myself into jail just to break out of it and claim a new identity and call myself Hans
  • ?????

Also this will show me the materalist cravings I have, and I certainly crave for some materalist types of retreats. The point is simply this. It's to much, with good work ethic I get more spontaneous opportunities. I might even call the chinese girl I dated and ask her if she's up to go shopping with me for professional clothes. Enough with ideas.

Reduce friction and get rid of people who don't know their stuff. This is a huge opportuntity, and I can certainly max out more on psychology it's usually one of my strength and one of the strength of curious people I notice. I notice I can study systems also more deeply now, the coach that I have for the gym is superb. He exactly fits my character and he is the kind of guy I would love to work under, as he creates the clarity I often times miss. It's insane how strong the psycholgy of smaller men is and how they dominate in a sense, I find it amazing where this strength is coming from at times, as well as how to build it. I legit have to go to a bookstore soonish I don't find good books on psychology anymore. 

I could certainly read more of this, this is such good dating talk stuff. I found books nvm me. I just am a bit tired of the self-control stuff...so yeah I just do this instead. I wrote down the new things and take care of habit stacking. I keep my mind currently also off to much woo woo channels and just take a cold shower instead. I miss it that the water barely has any coldness to it. Then also about socialization I have to see how to either embrace and reduce my vulnerabillity at times, when I am with high green. With yellow this is usually better practice, depending on how bitter the person is, and it's not that big of a deal usually. Alright finally I am gone!!! 

I can use my time more wisely, and I listen to Deepak Chopra, he is the only one woo woo currenlty I can listen to. As well as the identity based meditations now, the ideal and idea is to move to such a healthy lifestyle retreats, gaming, festivals, survival etc. become second-nature and my career works for itself giving me opportunities to also introduce my entrepreneurial and leadership spirit. Gym is vital, health is vital. If all goes well I keep some promises etc... yet currently stage blue has been f*ing with me to long, so I have to see different stuff, it's so frking bad also for dating/game etc. Even for relationships it's abhorently bad, imo. 

I did forget psychdelics and research, currently I will not deal with humans who woreship evolution, I don't enjoy the cultish bitterness of it, and it will be the downfall of mankind, it's the most digusting hierachy possibly. Evolution for me is holonic and not the "survival of the fittest notion" of the basics basics. That is disgusting, yes it is! True ones know it, why they develop it. 

A natural hierachy is a different, and aids the principles. THAT IS THE DIFFERENCE. So yeah, get of bitter land and move into mastery joy, and enact true systems thinking. Be wary of people where you notice they play power games, and don't deny that you're not doing them. Otherwise I keep referring to the source of atomic habits and be wary of the stage blue & orange projections and move countries and set myself up to move countries, I don't enjoy how lame ass German culture is. It's horribly animalistic and repetitive, this is godless. The irony of samsahara. I hope the term is correct. 

So yeah. I move on. Continue to explore options, I legit had the first match also of a scientist girl who likes mindfulness and is hot, the point is Green does not realize how fake it is. It's to inflammatory. Getting rid of smaller shadows of lower stages through exercise/play and shadow work is very important. As well as when I have more success appreciate some of the karmic stuff, and don't be bitter about it and just report toxic people. I will not type anything in the way anymore besides beign playful and if people see me as a role model I will see them as utterly toxic, and abusing white society and assoicate them girl&girl with Andrew Tate GL. 

I am tired of thes proejctions and want proper blackness back of having fun see Cornel West, what this dude is even saying what did he even witness in his life? Then you have Donald Trump. Alright, I'll stop it Actually the guy has one day birthday before me. I don't care hahahah that is to funny. Trump and Cornel west hahahahha sorry, this is beyond stupid. God, send me to Guangdong or so. 
 

Edited June 10, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I did the value thingy it's a bit to deep I notice, especially when I contemplate living realities, there are basically only three places I'd enjoy living currently I could go up to 5. 

1. U.S.A
2. Sweden
3. China
4. Mexico
5. Maybe Netherlands, hey why not legit. I liked it even if they people are a bit flat at times.

Let's say 4. I would not know other places and it bothers me, I might also be more specific and legit move to Nevad these coincidences are unreal, and move later to new.york or so and then eventually by just ridiculous and move to China etc. I certainly have to see. Deep down I am more interested in scaling consciouness. What I found out is I have to do another bout next week. I don't enjoy Germany as much, yet I can't tell this during any dates etc. It's better. 

The valure re-orientation stuff right now was already quiet good, I forgot how extensive this lifestyle is, and how much time I wasted on the forum due to having the value of connection and not exellence, I also don't think I did the percentage exercise.... I don't bother to look it up I should have done it. 

Yeah re-doing the value section is just important. I code now for 1h with a glass of red wine, then take care of the stuff, it's better with all the weekly updates and current things. I already did some changes, as to not filter my water extra etc. and I notice it's simply my sensetivity etc. I don't notice and health difference etc. 

So yeah all in all let's enact the internal changes, gym gave me good feedback I simply need a 5th day apparently for abs and endurance in that sense. Once I integrate all of this it's different I also took progress as a value and kicked efficiency for mastery. So I have it all. I notice also how deeply unhappy I am if I am not working more, and/or have a lot of free time. This is fundamentally it. I definitely can do some stuff, and create more goals I am happier this way usually. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Meditation 1h
Gratitude Journal
 

1. I am grateful for feeling the joy and exellence of waking up early and looking at healthy career prospects and options
2. I am grateful for thinking about beautiful girls and approaching a beautiful girl
3. I am grateful for feeling less friction inside myself
4. I am grateful for not getting has hung-up on girls anymore who are unattractive and ugly and are not appreciating their health and beauty
5. I am grateful for meeting the guy for teaching me some cleaner game and having the desire to be a healthy and conscious player
6. I am grateful I feel more subtle joy in this and less the drudgery of competition and status
7. I am grateful for appreciating healthy competition even with myself that is tremendously joyous
8. I am grateful that beautiful girls outside of dating apps usually appreciate me a lot
9. I am grateful that I can see how hardcore I am for doing this
10. I am grateful for re-doing the life purpose and enjoying the hardcore route without burning-out and beign more intelligent progress oriented and clear
11. I am grateful I am getting better daily with details
     

• This is one brief paragraph, if I would create chunks, I would start studying etc. I had huge impulses and ideas to create a better dating life in multiple areas and fully leverage enviromental design and identity shaping. I did mostly contractive release into flow and hear in type of mantra for getting more in touch with my heart and nervous system around this space. 

I am doing shamanic breathing now. Will post again and see the more rapid progress by doing deep work, and seeing what a deep break and deep work is. 

Edited June 11, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

(30 min) Shamanic breathing:
 

• It's odd how to describe this as I keep making sounds.
• Had odd thoughts and insights about others developmental trauma and how high I am situated, even based on trauma
• I exhausted stage red a lot
• The deep lust of connecting to human experience and life
• The joy of deep lust
• Having notions of yearning my brain to be fucked out and more liberal sexual desires
• Noticing the deep pervarding turqouise emotional rift I'd say
• Deep passion for life purpose
• This music was better as I keep making sounds this feels so healing naturally
• Most would not believe how fortunate I am, and how much I dislike not beign able to work in a state as deep as this 
  • I know why every pro athlete chooses to be a pro athlete
  • Other thoughts about healthy purple and experiences with girls 

Deep desire for holism, I'd generally say and to stay of mostly of unhealthy orange girls, who have stage blue cravings. Glad I left the girl wondering and seeing her green impulses, my region did her well with red/green. Awareness of how deeply masculine yellow is as a cognitive energy and more masculine leaning. Sublte awareness of co-creation, a lot of appreciation of beauty internaly. Seeing some right things, crying internally due to not forgiving a friend. Beign extremely aware about beauty and the "natural" notion of beauty.

Also the value of vitality and the breath. Was an interesting connection I drew. Also seeing why this is so popular recently and biking, they even must have this at local gyms in america at one point. 

Edited June 11, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Post-Gym Post 

Listend to atomic habits, was reminded of the power of delayed gratification. Had a German a**hole driver beign a nasty a**hole and why I hate the subtle quietness of Germans these people are not at peace and steadily angry. Did my session I am happy otherwise besides when I hear this averagness speaking I get triggered by some of my own fears, yet these are things I largely can't control ever and I loose self-control, when I notice the "dominance hierachy" in an introverted way. It's not fun and I get internally very angry, and I hate every ounce of curiosity sent my way. The level of subtle discrimination is surreal in this country. What these people judge is pathetic and petty mostly. I don't know how to not let this affect me, I become verbally abusive and very aggressive at this point. 

• I did get a tiny insight about this, I still dislike the dynamic of denying perception etc. 
• I hate the stupidity of masses and panic I really dislike it. 
• Had to slow down due to injury and felt this subtle anger that I usually can best release with cardio and HIT
• Still pushed myself generally feeling well
• I will forget what the guy did I still have so much internal anger in me against this type of thinking and country and the hypocracy of it's peace and subtle manipulative domination 

Edited June 11, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Update Rule: I am allowed to post when Leo releases a new video to do the exercises here it's the easiest form. As well as contemplate it, when I can't directly find it.

The biggest issue currently for me is play. It's a surprise this episode came out. Ironically, I just layed down and relaxed and thought the same thing as Leo how heavy the responsibility is of having kids and into the new maturity type groove (from updating the LP) and I had to relax from editing work, and seeing so many mistakes it's nauseating even by grammar etc. To correct this from foreigners. The maturity list is good I just can't tell at times, how mature my friends are the point is some of the younger students are extremely mature due to having a lot of healthy social bonds and family. Other stuff I am not mentoning. Also sleep is so mandatory I never got so angry, not sleeping enough. 

Immaturity list

• Irresponsible with my time 
• In what ways do I act like a child 
• Name calling, creating drama, raw pleasure
• Guilt tripping myself for decisions
• Dropping weights at the gym to often
• Not greeting someone I know as well as got to know
• Not reading briefly 1-10 pages before bed
• Not admitting to be mature fun and immaturity is important in the sense of letting go to serious stuff
• Curious 
  • etc. I could find thousand of examples, yet right now it's tricky

Maturity is also a value I could exchange for progress, as I feel Germany overall is not as immature as America mostly, the effort and pain it takes to build something and the beauty of it is usally worth it, this spirit is somewhat lost. I never dropped weights when I did not feel healthy masculinity and healthy confidence in the gym and all of this subtle hatred and other stuff. I am quiet mature, the point is I am not mature about my fun anymore, and I don't know if this get's me girls also, I don't know how much value there is in picking-up girls and other stuff. Where I notice it's not as bad, when I don't masturbate, use porn sparsely, play video games sparsely, work a tiny bit more in my circumstance. Accept the sacrifice and seriously build something, I used to enjoy this kind of maturity, yet it was meet with a lot of immature small things, like saying no because I'd like to eat at restaurant x instead. I'd say my two new friends are very mature, yet one suffers under the current circumstance of dating, and the other one suffers due to manipulation and childhood trauma. 

To have this level of maturity, was also one thing somehow that attract even more mature type of guys. The point is simply this I don't recognize at times how much I sacrifice, and how much I am slacking off and yearn for some connection and how much I loved it to be at the pinnacle of information content, in terms of especially artifical intelligence and "intelligence agency stuff". I don't know why, what I certainly don't have going for me is finding the smaller more mature joys and the "hypersexuality" at times. I don't know how to deal maturely also with my injury that is such a difficult task. I can still build muscles and then stretch etc. Get more yogi in that sense. If the company I applied to takes me that is sublime they do all of the stuff, mindfulness, yoga pay for this etc. I had also an odd experience with this and I was so interested in getting to such a type of leadership position and adventure etc. The point for me is simply the maturity to build skill and handle daily tasks without getting laid is brutal. I also can't stomach how much maturity it takes at times. It's odd balancing maturity and spontaneity in that sense and beign human and not an elite athlete. Also building wealth and the positive money incentives I had, I could be more honest about how this is positive motivation to do things I love with money, this was the healthiest psychology I had, and I wonder why it deteriorated so heavily this was also part of me for exellence. I just notice how a quick and brief relief and fun is neccessary, and this idiot game mode is a huge alleviation for me, the point is my nervous system is heavily triggered by pain and I have the biggest issue as I am so fking attracted by character at times, it's annoying how deeply that runs, personality is already so good, yet character I dunno anymore if anyone has this. 

I have some talks tomorrow and I am neglecting the maturity of working etc. chilling etc. I don't know I had to stop with personal development a bit. Thursday the book arrives, when I get a healthy traction some other more healthy coincidences apply. I don't know how to channel my ambition and solving problems is a new thing and I get so tremendously angry at times. I seriously have to contemplate and study hard and do some zen mode stuff, it's otherwise odd. 

The water is not cold enough for cold showers and more healthy enjoyments I also yearned for a conscious family at one point, yet this is beyond my current scope. I don't know how much skill I can build with a healthy relationship it might be easier, yet right now I am very unsatisfied with the level of beauty of girls I get, especially their face. The point is I get triggered by stuff that is very sensual and basic at times. As well as when immature things happen? I just currently do shamanic breathing. Panic is bad at times. The new routine is good and not to much.

I can still scult my body and enjoy the crafting and mastery the point is I get angry of mistakes so vehemently I don't know at times how much is force and how much temperance and clarity sort of prevails in working more maturly and the more mature pleasures.... I miss cold showers. This is not a cold shower etc. 

I'll keep watching the epsiode in bed, currently anger and triggers are huge I also don'T quiet have the time to go that deeply into stuff. I generally have a good feeling, I definitely can focus on the upsides of failures when they happen. 

Living a life with no regrets is extremely difficult. I am watching the episode for a bit and sleep. My new chess name also seems to be fun to others. I called myself Saturnalis. I definitely yearn to solve more problems. 

Edited June 11, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

30 min meditation

• It's currently as if I am getting the most joy out of this, and I somehow have to implement a schedule that works, my body feels like it yearns for a lot of sleep.
• Although I see that creating order and clarity and just accepting that even when I dislike it I am very German, is not so easy
• I feel as though I could meditate more and I notice how the american bias when I listen to Leo longer gives me a very negative intrinsic feeling very negative and then accepting this and how much denalist type of things he did I feel pure hatred 

Gratitude

• I am grateful for the new episode to integrate maturity and also to feel how toxic Leo still is and what parts of him are not toxic
• I am grateful to see what other members did who left this place and I see also why my life is so unique I am grateful for this and also why I see the toxicity behind this
• I am grateful to letting go of toxic/septic feelings 
• I am grateful to accept how fantastic meditation feels to me as well as to pursue materalistic pursuits with positive emotions
• I am grateful for the job interview and the intrinsic work ethic I have
• I am grateful to meet less toxic people generally speaking

[ValiantSalvatore]

Post-Gym, with new plan

I listendto a bunch of stuff, fundamentally about identity and systems and thought about how to change some and the enviroment shift I did, I sent out two applications also. Curious to see what will happen. I listen to the maturity epsiode a bit. I barely get any time to really do the exercises. Besides now, and they are not specifically listed in a document, which makes it diffiuclt to access. I can journal about it this way everything else takes to much time, with systems in place etc. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

55+ min meditation

• I notice serveral things and I will make a list, so my posts are either a list and or a single paragraph
• Identities tied to the death of my grandma and why it's better to be a bit chaotic as processes work better that way for me 
• Cleaning and especially making my bed, tied to shaming, abandonment and other things 
• How much better I feel when I rebel a bit and act more mature that way
• How counter-intuitive my life is and why I fear conservatives internally a lot, when I get this gut feeling of hatred and order
• How I see now this is even healthy for me due to my upbringing and how difficult it is to balance industriousness and orderliness
  • Most orderliness should be tied to my work and processes that aid me here
• How great I feel when I can implement new systems and cues
• How much fear there is in me as I prioritized the shaming wound of order and beign black = no hygine (spanish black girl)
• I saw a shirt yesterday saying don't quit, how rare is this in Germany?
• I saw how the professional identity can fit, and why it's important to visualize these with all techniques I possibly know
• I thought about quitting actualized.org etc. for reasons mostly known, although all in all it's not to bad.
• I am unsure where I can change my enviroment to fit my goals more and systems

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Gratitude:

• I am grateful for insights and positive changes that last about my life
• I am grateful for feeling less shame and negative about myself
• I am grateful for the job interview as a working student
• I am thankful for every positive energy that feels vitalizing
• I am thankful for realizing what kind of clarity and order I can implement more
• I am thankful for realizing what successful language entails
• I am thankful for realizing where my priorities should be in terms of studying/meditation and cleaning
• I am grateful to not be around people who complain to much about hygine 
• I am grateful for every second of time and peace I can feel and experience fully