The ultimate universal female truth

[Sugarcoat]

16 hours ago, Lila9 said:

Yeah, but you as men spend decades learning how to have those "shallows" in your bed or committed to you.

They feel equally as exposed by this post as women ??‍♀️

[Leo Gura]

38 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

since I’m dissatisfied with my looks

Welcome to life, where most people are dissatisfied with their looks and cannot change it.

The notion that you ought to be satisfied with your looks is childish and overly-entitled. You have no such right.

You should be thankful that you were not born a crippled bald midget ogre. When you really understand this, you will feel a lot better and get on with life.

Edited May 28, 2023 by Leo Gura

[caspex]

I appreciate your post because this is likely on many women's mind. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.

The solution is to not be attached to the life that good looks bring you. You idealize the life where you are hot, therefore see more value in that, rather than your own life. To stop idealizing, understand that you'll still suffer the same amount as you do now, being hot will not reduce your suffering. This is because suffering depends on how you process life and being hot will not change that for you. You'll suffer different things, but it'll still be the same amount. In your current life, if you suddenly become hot, many of your issues will be solved, until new ones emerge depending on your new looks; and trust me it'll be just as bad as it is now, only in a different way.
Moreover, what you desire is not to be hot, but to not suffer the suffering that comes with not being hot, which you can solve in this life, you do not have to magically become hot to solve that problem. The answer is simple, the work, not so much.

[NoSelfSelf]

@Sugarcoat Great!.. i think i understood the problem, i can explain to you solution in croatian...dm me,its deep topic ...

[Sugarcoat]

6 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Welcome to life, where most people are dissatisfied with their looks and cannot change it.

The notion that you ought to be satisfied with your looks is childish and overly-entitled. You have no such right.

You should be thankful that you were not born a crippled bald midget ogre. When you really understand this, you will feel a lot better and get on with life.

I work to change the things I’m dissatisfied with, so the satisfaction is earned.

 

[Sugarcoat]

23 hours ago, Salvijus said:

If I interpreted it right you're saying, "unless I'm physically attractive, I won't be loved in this society" perhaps there's some truth. Men are pretty shallow indeed. But the good news are you can always love yourself!

?

Yea on the more serious note i would say this suffering is just ignorance and shallowness in the end. People can definitely be loved regardless of their appearance, iq, eq, or whatever else you have. At least in theory. I understand it's pretty rare in the current world.

Also i would add something cringy that the love and appreciation you long to extract from others will never be the real thing. Only the love that comes from within you will fill the hole of lack inside you. And for that you need do nothing but allow it to fill you. It's corny but it's true imo.

 

Yea you have a point. For me it has been more struggling to receive the love, rather than getting it at all. 
 

I understand that it could be perceived as shallow. But also I don’t differentiate much between different desires as deeper vs more shallow. I don’t necessarily think the suffering caused from let’s say the desire to become “awakened” is “higher” than my suffering to become hot, why would it? Isn’t it just the same mind creating some mental destination, at least for a lot of people, I’m not saying for all. 
 

it’s not cringy at all but you have a good point there. Well in my experience the love from within can be equally as conditional as love from outside when we hold ourselves to certain standards. But as you say yea if we just allow ourselves to experience it more unconditionally it can be very healing. 

[nhoktinvt]

@Sugarcoat are you really swedish ?

[Salvijus]

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

I understand that it could be perceived as shallow. But also I don’t differentiate much between different desires as deeper vs more shallow. I don’t necessarily think the suffering caused from let’s say the desire to become “awakened” is “higher” than my suffering to become hot, why would it?

I would agree. I wouldn't try to supress or ignore the desire to be hot. In fact i would do the opposite, i would allow it fully to overtake me, i would feel it fully with every cell in my body and with no resistence and i would inquire, what is it that i truly want? What is it that i'm trying to gain by infinitely attractive and beutiful? What is really behind that desire? And i would discover that what i long for is to be loved totally without limits, to be drenched in infinity of love. And i would realize that all desires however shallow they may seem, lead eventually to that one desire in the core of our soul to feel,  recieve, give and express Love and Beauty in all directions without limit. May you find that fullfilment your soul so desires 

Edited May 28, 2023 by Salvijus

[Sugarcoat]

2 hours ago, nhoktinvt said:

@Sugarcoat are you really swedish ?

Croatian but born and live here in Sweden  so thankful for living here 

Edited May 28, 2023 by Sugarcoat

[Girzo]

So it's not even that you don't get attention form males, it's just that you would like to be prettier?

Just be aware that it's all in your character and has little to do with external reality.

It's a problem of your own making, as you are both the person who wants to look good for herself and the person lamenting about it taking a lot of work.

No-one's forcing you to value physical attractiveness, nor good style. You are an adult and these are values you have chosen as worthy of pursuing.

You can either stop complaining or change your values. I don't see any other way out.

[Dioxide2533]

@Sugarcoat Can I have your instagram and be your simp? you probably are hot lol

Edited May 28, 2023 by Dioxide2533

[Leo Gura]

6 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

I work to change the things I’m dissatisfied with, so the satisfaction is earned.

A key part of spiritual work is learning to accept certain things which cannot and should not be changed.

Surrender, acceptance, and letting go are key tools for this issue.

Edited May 28, 2023 by Leo Gura

[Sugarcoat]

2 hours ago, Dioxide2533 said:

@Sugarcoat Can I have your instagram and be your simp? you probably are hot lol

I genuinely  wonder what kind of pain one has to be in to want something like that

[Yimpa]

52 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

A key part of spiritual work is learning to accept certain things which cannot and should not be changed.

Surrender, acceptance, and letting go are key tools for this issue.

Reminds me of this reddit post (read the comments as well)

[eos_nyxia]

On 2023-05-26 at 10:28 PM, Sugarcoat said:

All women know deep down that nothing they do or none of their qualities matter if they aren’t hot. Period . That’s it. That’s the post.

It can be very very hard to unwire ourselves from this narrative, but I think age is one area where we really do have the opportunity to relax more into our body and experience. To stop displacing and splitting from ourselves, and the full potential of our subjective experience of beingness. (Like if I'm >X< then finally I'll be the best version of myself, that feels the best, that I actually deserve.)

This is despite the negative attitude toward aging, especially when aimed toward women. Which is why so many women say that being in their teens and 20s was crap, and being 30-40+ was actually a much better experience, despite one's teens/20s supposedly being the "prime" of a woman's life.

You could say this is a cope: in a way, it is.

But it is always better to not be bound, including when you have the opportunity to profit off your "privilege". Then you have the option to enjoy the ride more.

I doubt anyone who has an eating disorder, or who is even a little bit self-conscious (especially in the age of online social media), is having a having a truly awesome time being in a female body, even if they do enjoy the perks. I mean, do they truly enjoy the experience of being a woman or girl? Anyone who isn't completely clueless surely feels the insecurity because of how utterly conditional it is: the hands that feeds you (or praises you) will either be gone later, if it doesn't just strangle you. I have to laugh when guys call this "love".  No, it makes your peepee hard and influences all of your decision making, whether they go with or turn against the desire.

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I have barely felt like I’ve existed for a second of my life , nor do I feel like I can own nor want to own my qualities because of this fact.  Literally , literally, I have barely felt real because of this. 

Have you never had the exact opposite experience? Often I feel less radiant because of attention directly placed on me, because I have spent a lifetime (especially childhood) feeling easily constrained by my perception of other people's expectations of me. People often have very rigid expectations of how attractive women should behave, and what their behaviour means. If you are not "strong", or insensitive/ "callous", or stubborn enough to block out people's reactions toward you, or to never perceive and interpret them in the first place, then you may find yourself locked in very tightly. Like a gilded cage, or a choke collar made out of solid gold. It may be pretty but you're still stilted rather than empowered by all of the so-called benefits.

Edited May 28, 2023 by eos_nyxia

[eos_nyxia]

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yes I have had excellent grades all my life.  Yes I’ve excelled at sports,  during my teens I weight-lifted  at a level that qualified me to compete at world class levels almost. Yes I can be incredibly intellectual and formulate myself well and for example  in high school people could come up to me and compliment me for my speeches in class.  Yes I can be socially charming, people can love my witty energy. I can be anything almost 

That's amazing! I've become a lot more athletic and stronger as an adult, but I was THE MOST unathletic kid. I would absolutely have loved to have your natural athleticism. I often got picked last at team sports unless I was good friends with the person doing the picking. (Fortunately, I was pretty good at making friends growing up, for a time.)

For myself, I've had to accept that I will not be anywhere near as athletic (as in literally, rugged, robust) as someone who works much less hard because I've had to work with the limitations of my physical body. I am much more injury-prone.
 

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But you know what? not an inch of my being gives a flying fuck about these things,  

I totally get this feeling though. You're definitely not alone.

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Why do I seriously feel like they world and my life could fall apart but if I was just hot then somehow I’d be doing okay anyways. 

In my experience: at the absolute worst times in my life when I was having full-scale psychotic breakdowns, no one seemed to be worried because I looked ok/ good. But I was also masking a lot behaviourally. I spent a lot of time with this cope (at least on one level): hey, at least if I don't have my shit together by society's standards, at least I apparently look good???

It's a real shitty cope if it ever comes down to that, lol.

Dangerously close to death and a hazard to my physical wellbeing? Catatonically depressed to the point that I can't move or think, and barely able to get out of bed for weeks on end? Not sure what I want to do with the rest of my life and time? Not sure if any of this all is worth it? What if my childhood trauma and life is completely irredeemable? See and hallucinate weird shit because of ESP?  What if I am just too weird/ strange underneath it all?

Hey, at least I look good/ young.  It becomes part of your mask.

At the same time: wow, my best achievement in this world might have literally been leaving behind a reasonably good looking corpse. ...because that's a satisfactory cumulation for anyone's life??

Recently I rewatched this video, and I was reminded... there is pretty much always the other side to perceived privilege. There is not being able to properly perform girlhood/ womanhood if you're neurodivergent enough, and having other women/girls turn against you. Or performing it well enough so people literally have no idea why you inevitably fail in one way or another. (The girl in the video was diagnosed with autism when she was 15). There's legitimately having even less of the necessary skills to be able to cope with male attention since a young age, which tends to be violent and predatory.

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I know how hot I am in my energy and “soul” but it’s this fucking meat suit that isn’t expressing that, damn piece of flesh .I’m actually shocked by myself sometimes, how sexy and beautiful and charming and cool I can be in my “energy “ , BUT THIT FUCKING PIECE OF FLESH ISNT REFLECTING THATTTTT

TBH I can't say that I fault people for getting plastic surgery to get their external image to match their internal image of themselves.

Edited May 28, 2023 by eos_nyxia

[Sugarcoat]

On 2023-05-27 at 0:40 PM, Zion said:

This only matters if the people you want to perceive you as hot, are hot themselves. Am I wrong? 

If you hold that standard to others (the generalized standard of beauty) & your perception of yourself doesn't physically match that standard, you're going to go in circles. It's time to break the cycle. A new line of thinking, a new mindset is needed. 

Hot is a perspective. It is entirely dependent on the person, & given that you seemingly base some of your standards on society's rational, perhaps it's time to see what YOU think, not society.

I said it once & I'll say it again:

Liking someone's physical appearance is just as shallow as liking someone's personality, if they are to be compared in value. The only reason it is seen otherwise is because of the moral rules put in place by a given system at play. If I am to love one’s physical beauty, it compliments their personality & their entire being. If one is to love one’s personality, it compliments their physical beauty & with that; their entire being. One is not more or less important or valuable, that is just you forcing your morals onto another. 

I suspect it is just the people you seek out that presumably prioritize physical appearance above all else, not necessarily ALL people's standards. If that were all people's standards, we wouldn't have women's rights as there would be no need for anything but their physical beauty. All of this relies heavily on the standards you have for the people you seek out. Not every person is hot, if we were all hot, physical appearance would cease to be that valuable. 

Given what you've said so far, it sounds like you talk to yourself about your physical appearance in a way that you yourself don't like. Ask yourself why that is. Why do you think like this about your appearance? Is there a new feasibly replaceable mindset you'd prefer to have of yourself? If so, what can you do to implement that mentality?

Don't let one or the other fool you, the seduction of physicality or personality can both be easy traps for the mind to fall into. The two are not mutually exclusive in truth.

I can’t fully answer you what it’s about at its core. It’s very existential tho. I have contemplated this desire with openness, even while high on weed, tried to understand it at its roots. Have yet not understood it fully, seen it for what it is. 
 

 It can sound shallow, this desire, but from my perspective, it can run just as deep as any other desire .

Mindsets in general have had me running in circles. It’s almost like I’m reaching the edge of reality, this mental reality that I’ve lived in all my life. I don’t need a new mindset, I need something else 

 

 

well for me, soceities desire, is MY desire. What soceity thinks, is what I think.
 

I’m a bit sceptical towards this strong distinction between what society teaches and then what you want. 
 

what are you without societal conditioning anyways? How could you separate yourself from it

 

i agree with you that physical appearance and personality can be regarded as equal when it comes to what one values and one isn’t necessarily higher or lower. And as you say they compliment each other. Don’t really know what else to add here

 

well. It has been  more internal than external for me. This inner ideal I’ve been trying to meet. It’s independent of others opinions, even if someone expressed their attraction to my appearance, it wouldn’t have much affect on me. In contrast, some  go out in the world and interact with people and try to find themselves there, for example  a woman who perhaps sleeps with a lot of men to feel hot and desirable  That’s more external, which is what it seems you’re referring to. 
 

Well I know where it comes from originally . This hotness obsession, society of course. But that awareness doesn’t shake nor threaten this desire, it still stands strong like nothing else.
 

I like your last point! There was a period where I was intensely obsessed with overcoming social anxiety and reaching some ideal charisma. So yes personality can have equal of a grip on us 


 

Edited May 28, 2023 by Sugarcoat

[Sugarcoat]

On 2023-05-27 at 1:17 PM, woohoo123 said:

It reminds me of different perspectives. Sometimes my gf would shout me over urgently, I immediately stop what I’m doing and run over. When I arrive she asks me which handbag goes best with her outfit. I literally don’t care and am a bit annoyed how trivial the whole situation is. But she spends another 10 mins in front of the mirror and thinking hard about it.

in some ways maybe you’re the girl in the mirror and making a fuss over nothing really, so if you change perspective it is simple to see this is really nothing worth worrying about.

At the same time though maybe you have had some life experiences which tells you this is important.

If I were you, I may try asking the question - is it possible for me to be happy without being physically hot? Is my life still worth living if I were not a hot woman?

if the answer to the above is ‘yes’ then contemplate ok it may still be a desire, but you may not really NEED this as much as you are leading yourself to believe.

Then I would ask what it is you really want from being hot? Is it approval from men? Is it approval from yourself perhaps?

If it is approval from others, maybe ask yourself if you do really need that to be happy? Can you still see the value in yourself even when men deem you to be ugly?

If it is approval from yourself, maybe ask yourself if you are worthy of your own love and sense of self-worth even if some parts of you don’t accept your appearance

then maybe you can go through a process of becoming your own cheerleader, what other things do you admire about this woman? Can you love her even if she isn’t hot? Can you still support her and cheer her on as she goes for her hopes and dreams admist struggle? Is it still possible to love and admire this woman?

There may be some limiting beliefs about how you will attract men if you are not a hot woman. But I think if you start going through the process of falling in love with yourself, you start to see your own value more clearly and this limiting belief will go away on its own (you deserve the best, even if your appearance does not match your expectations) 

 

I totally get your annoyance hahaha 

 

I don’t really see happiness as  a goal. It’s such a diffuse term. When I want something it’s always something very specific , maybe just me? I can’t say I want to be happy, because what is happiness? An emotion? A state? What are the qualities of it?
 

Any answer leads you to something specific - and this something specific has been this hotness I guess that I picked up from soceity as a young child and it latched onto my mind like my entire existence depended on it. 

It’s almost like this awareness of potential. If I was thrown into a remote island without any way to make myself hotter then yes I’d be forced to accept it and I’d be happy because it is what it is, unchangable. But in this life, in these circumstances, it’s like I have this awareness of how much more I could improve my  looks and I wanna experience the ultimate peak of it, with limitations of course, I’m not talking about doing all the plastic surgery in the world hahaha. 
 

what do I want from it? Well for me it has been about my sexuality primarily I think  . Sexuality has been strongly associated with hotness, that’s what society taught me early on. So I have felt like I cannot access my sexuality if I don’t experience myself as hot, so it’s like, I can accesss everything else, I can feel smart, social, funny, but sexual - this thing out of my reach

that was very beautifully written. I see how you’re  trying to reach me sincerely with your words. A lot of women would benefit from hearing those words

[Sugarcoat]

On 2023-05-27 at 2:20 PM, Girzo said:

I love my girlfriend with all of my heart and she walks in leggings all the time and doesn't wear makeup. She's hot with who she is, not with how she looks.

 You just have to be hot enough to feel sexual attraction, any improvements to your looks and style after that is your personal preference. And if you think it's a high bar to clear for a woman to be attractive in a sexual manner, then why there's so many jokes about men being so indiscriminate and willing to have sex even with goats.  It's easy to find a cool partner if you yourself are cool.

Yeah, you might not be able to get anyone you like, but you are for sure able to find someone who you really, really like.

Don’t you think your girl looks hot ??????????????? is she worse than a goat or something 

 

sorry jk… or not

 

Jokes aside

 

i know the bar isn’t high hahahah trust me. It’s more about this painful awareness of potential. I wanna experience my peak hotness before time runs out, and I’m willing to do everything for it haha

 

”personal preference” what is this personal everyone is talking about. Societal conditioning is my personal desires  - there’s not that much distinction between them.

[Sugarcoat]

On 2023-05-27 at 2:24 PM, Girzo said:

Social status, probably. The approval from the social environment. Not everything is a result of individual dynamics, not everything is psychological.

Yeah, and when I think about it, maybe OP's problem is not lacking physical attractiveness but not having enough social status? Aiming for the guys with a much higher status creates the frustration.

hmmmm I would more say it’s about accessing my sexuality

 

you have a very interesting point tho. It’s a new way of looking at it I haven’t really thought much about before. You might be onto something 

 

for example , I would describe myself as neurodivergent although I haven’t gotten assessed for it

 

as a child I felt alienated from people , awkward and odd . Several people have suggested I’m autistic, and my own research has pointed to this too

 

Perhaps something inside of me saw hotness as a way to get connected to the world? Something in my mind picked up from society, that ; it’s okay to be weird as you are, as long as you’re hot you have a place in this world. 
 

Perhaps so? Who knows