Grounding journal

[Oppositionless]

it’s probably going to be a long time before I take a significant dose of psychedelics again, after my last trip. so DMT journal is now being replaced by Grounding journal.

I have so much regular human stuff to deal with , like fixing my sleep. I’ve been on meds for the last few months and now they aren’t giving me a full 8 hours. the problem is I’m dependent on them to get to sleep so getting off of them I am gonna have to fight.

I’ll take a few days off work to reset my sleep.

[Oppositionless]

after a month of seroquel and 5 hour sleep I am in a shaky mind state. I feel unhinged, profoundly depressed and self-loathing. I have to suffer through a few sleepless nights to get out of this. sleep aid, trip killer wonder drug. stretches me like a rubber band and snaps me in half.

There's a devil on my back,

there's a devil in my chest,

Edited May 28, 2023 by Oppositionless

[Oppositionless]

this is how the magic is done. by hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering a feather bed.

- terence mckenna

in an absolute sense. of course.

all day today felt like sheer hell but all of a sudden I can't stop laughing

I've been wasting so much time looking up local psychics, not hate on them but how many psychics are awake?

well, I already fucking know a psychic who's awake. it's so funny I can't stop fucking laughing.

she's my teacher of sorts. anyway.

[Oppositionless]

Thank God I got some decent sleep last night.

I'm having an existential crisis because my dog is 14.

I need some magic. I need something to override my angst.

I feel a little silly for doing this, but I signed up for a "spoon bending" class from the Monroe institute.

maybe if I have a spoon I used my mind to bend, a kind of sacred object, I can look at it whenever I'm upset and remember the magic at the heart of creation.

or maybe nothing will happen and I'll just feel like a fool who threw away a couple hundred dollars, still having a crisis.

I'm anticipating the first thing though.

Edited May 29, 2023 by Oppositionless

[Oppositionless]

I feel a lot less crazy. I think the mushroom trip was meant to show me the outcome of the path I was going down taking seroquel to sleep every night. even if I struggle with insomnia the rest of my life, it will be better than being dependent on a drug to sleep that becomes less and less effective ultimately leading me to get less and less and less sleep until I lose my fucking mind. the day of the trip , before the trip even, I was having insane thoughts. I was tripping hard before actually tripping. I was in such a bad place. now I feel a little better. a lot better actually, but still not great.

Edited May 29, 2023 by Oppositionless

[Oppositionless]

not sleeping will make insanity happen fast. at first it was great because it made it so easy to just knock out. but then, it started only allowing me to sleep for 5-6 hours a night. and that, that was hell. that made me develop so many problems.

Edited May 29, 2023 by Oppositionless

[Oppositionless]

food for thought

[Oppositionless]

I’m working hard on my self esteem. committing to listening to at least one hypnosis in the vein of feeling more attractive to women every day. 

when I get in a relationship, I’ll be able to show up 100%. I won’t screw anything up through insecurity.

if I have a daughter, I’ll ask my wife if I can name her Avalyn. Such a beautiful name.

[Oppositionless]

virtue is hot, like really hot. virtue makes pickup easy. purity of intent is everything. the sickness makes you needy, angry manipulative and empty. self love is the antidote to evil.

Edited May 30, 2023 by Oppositionless

[Oppositionless]

Happiness: finding meaning in life, living virtuously.

personality :  INFP , 

level of ambition: 10/10

– between my two primary hobbies, programming and music production I spend around 40 hours a week working. Programming is partially motivated by school work but I still manage side projects. in addition to working 15 hours at a part time restaruant job.   Music is entirely self motiavated. I’d love to make a side income posting music online, but so far my perfectionism has prevented me from actually releasing anything. In high school I ran cross country and wrestled, I picked those sports because they were the two most physically demanding ones my school offered. I walked the halls feeling like the ultimate badass who did what 99.9% couldn’t.

 

Health:

mental health has always been my biggest struggle . I frankly don’t know what it’s like to be just “fine” for an extended period of time. I don’t know what it’s like to not suffer from depression and insomnia. But I have a feeling I’m gonna have my sleep figured out soon. and once I have that, I’ll be the closest to happiness I’ve ever been.

low consciousness values: being stoned, dating someone that will impress others. I’m extremely insecure and want someone to validate me.

high consciousness values: computer programming, playing music, loving relationships and friendships, family, spirituality, creativity.

desires : deep friendship

desire for solitude: I’m an introvert so I love and need a lot of alone time, but I also suffer from severe loneliness in relation to my depression so living without a partner and or roomate would be hell. I still live with my parents, not related to money but mental health.

spirituality: always has been important me. I began identifying as a pantheist when I was around 8 years old.

creativity:  I have a bunch of different outlets including philosophy, creative writing, posting online, producing  music and playing instruments, drawing, and I’ve dabbled in theatre / acting.

Edited June 1, 2023 by Oppositionless

[Oppositionless]

the Psychiatrist says it's not the sleep meds but the antidepressant I'm on

fuck all this shit man I just wanna be good.

[Oppositionless]

I’m a pretty liberal dude, but the one arena in which I’m quite conservative is sex and relationships. I don’t think sex is something to do with just anyone. I’ve always taken pride in having a low “number.” but it’s come with some cost . maybe if I had more sex I would be more confident. I dunno. If I banged every person I probably could have, would I feel better or worse about myself? what if I started at a younger age, like as a teenager ? can’t say for sure.

I need something to push past my physical limits again. without the stress that comes with competition, being on a school team, winning some ribbon or whatever.

Edited June 2, 2023 by Oppositionless

[Oppositionless]

dropped my bupropion dose from 300 mg to 100 mg and finally went to sleep and stayed asleep. Woke up at 7am and went back to sleep until 9. It's been around two months since I could fall back asleep after waking up.

now I feel normal levels of shittiness rather than overwhelming levels of shittiness. hopefully after a week of sleeping well I will feel pretty decent.

Music sounds like nothing , just meaningless noise, to me right now. thats how I know I’m pretty depressed. I’m gonna put all my mental energy into programming and just forget about everything.

I want a lover but I hate dating apps. I’ve had some success at clubs but nothing beyond some good future jerk-off material.  looking for someone to explore the outer reaches of God with. and rest my head on their lap when I feel like shit.

maybe medicinal ketamine? but I’m afraid of addiction, weed has caused enough problems. might be worth though. I don’t find k nearly as interesting as thc

Edited June 2, 2023 by Oppositionless

[Oppositionless]

Either you want to know truth or you don’t. if you don’t want truth at any cost then no amount of psychedelics, or meditation, or telekinesis, or asral projection, or channeling, or near death experience is going to bring you to truth.

Conversely if you want to know truth the lack of any of the above won’t stop you from finding truth. The universe will literally bend over backwards for you in your quest for truth. Everything else is details.

Edited June 4, 2023 by Oppositionless

[Oppositionless]

critical assumptions:

1. consciousness comes from the body.

2. you are the body

3. time flows

4. space is absolute

5. the universe is finite

6. the universe exists

 

Edited June 6, 2023 by Oppositionless

[Oppositionless]

critical assumptions of social anxiety

1. you are deficient in some way

2. other people notice your deficiency

3. other people don’t admire your deficiency

4. you are not perfect

Edited June 6, 2023 by Oppositionless

[Oppositionless]

on the absurdity of denying anecdote as unscientific

someone claims that they have experienced consciousness beyond the body.

they say that they astral projected, flew to wal-mart and saw a cashier named Kevin, and then when they got back to the body they drove to wal-mart and were able to identify the cashier that they saw.

the skeptic responds with "that isn't science. science needs to be peer-reviewed to consider valid."

the person who astral projected then says "Okay, so if anecdotes aren't scientific then we should discredit victims of sexual assault because dna evidence is hard to come by and usually it isn't caught on camera."

the skeptic responds " No that's different because you're making a supernatural claim that could undermine all of science. That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence."

the person then responds : "Are you sure about that? Are you not aware of the consequences of being accused of sa? If anything, we should be even more cautious about that because someone's entire life is at stake here. If they are accused of this crime it will make it impossible to get a job, they might go to jail, starve etc."

the skeptic says " well if it's supernatural it can't be real! therefore you're lying."

the person then asks "how do you know it's supernatural and therefore unreal if you haven't tested it yourself."

the skeptic then states "because  none of my peers have experienced it. therefore it is impossible."

at this point the person who had the experience can do nothing but shrug their shoulders and move on. he knows he experienced something real, but no one else dose, and if the skeptic isn't even willing to entertain the possibility that his worldview is wrong then there is nothing that can be said to change his mind. Because, of course, science is only 1% experiment and 99% anecdote.

furthermore, the very idea that you can undermine science is absurd. the only thing that can be undermined is untrue beliefs within science. that is the very nature of good, proper science. it is constantly undermining its own incorrect theories, in an ideal world. but the world we find ourselves in is one in which victims are constantly dismissed, corporations have science by the balls, and shitheads get away with horrible crimes every single day. it might take a hundred allegations before you admit that your friend may be a victimizer. And even then you still might not be willing to admit the uncomfortable truth about your "friend".

 

Edited June 6, 2023 by Oppositionless

[Oppositionless]

level of conscious (0 to 1000) reading of substances, just a joke

 

986 . >> 5 meo dmt

impressions: God, absolute infinity, truth, shock and awe, terror

944 >> 2c-P

Bliss, God, infinity, truth, sexuality

912 >> Mescaline

Grandfather, safe, sancitiy, God , truth

907 >> 2c-B

Introductory, gentle, love, sexuality

860 >> Ayahuasca, Pharmahuasca, and Changa

Mother, alien, revelation, God

777 >> LSA and morning glory

Agony, suffering, God, absolute infinity

768 >> LSD

Cosmic consciousness, God, energy, awakening, confusion

814 >> penicilin

Love, safety, protection, freedom from pain

696 >> DMT

Extraterestrial, God, truth, beauty, twisted sense of humor, reptilian

686 >> Psilocybin mushrooms and 4 aco dmt

Extraterestrial, confusion, infinity, healing, God, twisted sense of humor

677 >> Salvia

Extraterestrial, confusion, break through, God , twisted sense of humor

570 >> Marijuana

Trickster, God, love, dependence

Edited June 7, 2023 by Oppositionless

[Oppositionless]

Don’t be a Shopenhauer.

God is all upside.

[Oppositionless]

more ways in which I as a liberal am conservative

1.) psychedelics 

— I don’t know shit about psychedelics, every trip is unique. 

— I try not to to reckless things, for instance I haven’t had a breakthrough trip on dmt “just because that’s what you do” , all my dmt trips thus far have been low-dose and will continue to be low-dose until I’ve gotten all I can out of it

— I’m extremely cautious about my marijuana use, I went to rehab when it was taking over my life and followed up with recovery meetings because I don’t want my life to be out of my hands 

 

2.) work ethic

I believe in the value of hard work. I know that if I don’t take school seriously I’ll live a mediocre life.

3.) sex and dating

as I previously stated, I haven’t had sex with every single person I potentially could have. Generally speaking if I don’t see a future with someone I won’t have sex with them just because. I am extremely cautious about playing with women’s feelings. I don’t want to hurt anyone.

4.) technology and artificial intelligence,

I am on board with calls to limit research into ai until we can learn more about it. we need to make sure it’s morally aligned to our highest good before plowing forward.

 

5.) spirituality

I think there’s a right and a wrong way to do spirituality.  neo advaita is bs for instance. understanding God is a serious pursuit for serious thinkers, not a wishful thinking “already enlightened” thing. furthermore I recognize that taking a bunch of psychedelics or becoming a great meditator is NOT the same as awakening. fundamentally awakening is about serious contemplation, not practices. the practices are only good if they’re in service of contemplation.

Edited June 16, 2023 by Oppositionless