"Would/could/should have" is nonsensical language bug that dissonates your mind

[Zedman]

"Would/could/should" assumes there was different outcome possible, it assumes if you turn back the time something else might have happened. Is that the case? You cant demonstrate this assumption. You are currently in the past relative to your future self. So pick a card, mix it with random 2 and pick one you "could have chosen". If you pick the right one, great. "Would/could/should" no longer apply. And if you pick the wrong one you will say I should have chosen this card instead of that. But should you really? You didnt know at the time did you? So its nonsensical to say having hignsight "I should have" chosen this one.

Those familiar with poker will know that if you fold 2,7 starting hand and it flops 2,7,7 it is nonsensical to say oh I should have played this hand, because next time you will draw the same 2,7 and you will fold them again.

Why is this inquiry important. People use this language for couple of reasons. To lie and gaslight. And then you use this language to lie and gaslight yourself. Could have is Egos best language. Some examples:

1)"I could have done a better job", no you failed because of incompetence and using "should" masks that pretty well implying you are competent but something else got in the way.

2)I totally could have done it but didnt want to... classic

3)I should have chosen this person. How? By having hinsight? And then you will beat yourself up for something that you did wrong thinking you could have done it differently.

I will carry on and think how detrimental is this combination of words is in performing daily activities. Can I bypass using them and thinking in them? And if I hear it I will know something is not right.

Just an idea tho.

[caspex]

Yup, it's an excuse to bypass the thought-labour required to deal with wrong choices. Even though "I should have chosen the right action." sounds like taking responsibility, you are shying away from who you are/were.
See the difference between saying, "I should have saved her." vs. "I didn't save her, I wish now that I had.". In the second one, you own up to who you are, in the first one, you assume you'd 'usually' save her but for 'some reason' you didn't.
Owning up to who you are also nullifies regret to a big degree.

[Zedman]

Thank you. Understanding this insight eliminates all regret which removes anxiety and self hate. But I feel I am mising something. Surely someone can poke this argument.

[caspex]

10 hours ago, Zedman said:

Thank you. Understanding this insight eliminates all regret which removes anxiety and self hate. But I feel I am mising something. Surely someone can poke this argument.

Here's the hole, the insight here doesn't eliminate all regret. The insight here is about owning up to who you were and are. Regret is the resistance to change your image and owning up. But, regret is also resistance to adapt to new circumstance. It could have nothing to do with you or your choices. It could be that life was going good, and you get news that your son passed away in an accident. You would still feel regret and anguish. "Why did it have to happen?", "why did it happen to me?","I wish it had never happened" It's the same emotion, just not directed at you. This regret will not go away if you own up to who you are/were. It will go away when you own up to what life really is. See, this kind of regret happens when you have a certain image of what your life is like. So the regret here is the resistance to change you image of what your life is. It's the same thing as before, just that it's about changing an image that you projected onto 'life' rather than 'yourself'.

[SamC]

I should not should