My girlfriend filmed me reliving a birth memory (which fixed my moody mornings)

[flowboy]

It all started when she noticed me biting her head off after she’d wake me up.

Even though she tried to get me out of bed in the nicest, sweetest way - I’d hold a grudge until noon!

It had become a pattern.

So we decided to do shadow work to see if we could fix this.

The first session (documented here) brought me back to childhood, and I was able to connect the experience of having to get up, to having to get up and face the dread of daily highschool bullying.

That felt like a tremendous relief, and I already felt lighter.

The heaviness around getting out of bed had lifted.

Though as we kept talking, I realised this had only been the first layer.

There was something deeper there.

Being “woken up” felt like a profound symbol … for something.

So I started a round of circular breathing and felt into it.

Soon, I was in the center of a tornado of old feelings.

Bullseye.

I stayed in the feeling by expressing it, even though it wasn’t clear what it was yet.

Then my brain started showing me little flashbacks.

A safe warm place.

Having to leave.

Fingers prodding me.

I started breathing sharply and heavily and hysterically crying.

Strange, high-pitched baby cries.

My girlfriend @flume is holding the camera.

I hated those fingers prodding me.

I WAS NOT READY.

However, I am BORN.

(I asked my mother about the story of my birth: turns out I was induced, which explains the feeling of not being ready, and I was also breeched (ass-backwards), which a doctor discovered by prodding me)

Now I remember: all I wanted to do was GO BACK, just for a little while.

And that’s how I feel when my partner tries to get me out of bed.

Now, I’m over the hump.

I’ve felt the pain.

The flood of insights follows.

Why I never felt like I was fully participating in life.

Why I felt like my life was just “for practice”.

Why I always had this sense that my life decisions were not real, and one day I would go back and do them all over again..

If you’ve ever done sessions like these, you know the onrush of spontaneous insights and clarity.

This was 2 years ago.

Since we did this session, I’ve never had a cranky morning again.

I’ll say it again.

I’ve NEVER HAD A CRANKY MORNING AGAIN.

I’ve had slow mornings, sleepy mornings, snooze-ten-times-mornings.

But never angry ones anymore.

Not only that, but my knee-jerk reaction of “leave me alone, I’m not ready” which manifested in many situations, such as right before planned social activities, before bed, basically anytime I’m in the zone with something and interrupted, my angry reflex has gone, only to leave a mild residue of resistance that can be overcome with a simple sigh.

I hope you enjoyed this story and that it may inspire you to try a shadow work session for yourself.

Cheers,

Erik

[Federico del pueblo]

@flowboy Hey buddy, sorry for reviving this thread again now, but I had a question in my mind I thought you would be predestined to answer.

If there is some emotional symptom in the present, how do you trace it back all the way to the very root cause (typically in early childhood or even earlier)?

I'm asking because in the case of developmental trauma it can seem very tricky to find the actual cause - the "mother trauma" so to speak amongst all these different things that happened over a few decades.

Like for example there can be a sense of unworthiness in the present and you could find logical reasons in the present like "because I don't have enough of X I feel unworthy", but that's of course way too superficial, it started much earlier.

It seems a bit like looking for a needle in a haystack at the moment and additionally there can be the difficulty of not even remembering certain incidents due to repression.

Edited June 6, 2023 by Federico del pueblo

[Arthogaan]

Great! Thanks @flowboy for sharing and @Federico del pueblo for resurfacing this.

Do you have some kind of protocol/book for such sessions with intention of reliving some hidden memories?

[thenondualtankie]

It's honestly a shame that these posts get buried. Thank you for sharing.

[flume]

[Javfly33]

On 06/06/2023 at 6:49 PM, Federico del pueblo said:

@flowboy Hey buddy, sorry for reviving this thread again now, but I had a question in my mind I thought you would be predestined to answer.

If there is some emotional symptom in the present, how do you trace it back all the way to the very root cause (typically in early childhood or even earlier)?

I'm asking because in the case of developmental trauma it can seem very tricky to find the actual cause - the "mother trauma" so to speak amongst all these different things that happened over a few decades.

Like for example there can be a sense of unworthiness in the present and you could find logical reasons in the present like "because I don't have enough of X I feel unworthy", but that's of course way too superficial, it started much earlier.

It seems a bit like looking for a needle in a haystack at the moment and additionally there can be the difficulty of not even remembering certain incidents due to repression.

@Federico del pueblo There is no root cause. It's assigned Karma, it's not even past generations, if  you keep going backwards you will go back to the Bing Bang LoL.

The end of Karma it's by choosing Now to not get entangled with it. There is always a choice, the question is, will you exercise that choice? Will you choose Lightness over Darkness? Nobody can make you stop the wheel, only you. 

[Federico del pueblo]

@Javfly33 Have you gotten lost in spirituality a bit too much buddy? ?

There are actually endless accounts of people who were suffering from specific emotional or psychosomatic symptoms who then reexperienced some past trauma (childhood, baby age, birth or even past life or transgenerational) which then alleviated some or all symptoms.

What you suggest is along the lines of "there is no trauma", "there is no psyche", "there is no past nor future".

It might be true from a very high perspective but it's mostly just impractical to deal with "real world issues".

[Javfly33]

1 hour ago, Federico del pueblo said:

@Javfly33 Have you gotten lost in spirituality a bit too much buddy? ?

There are actually endless accounts of people who were suffering from specific emotional or psychosomatic symptoms who then reexperienced some past trauma (childhood, baby age, birth or even past life or transgenerational) which then alleviated some or all symptoms.

What you suggest is along the lines of "there is no trauma", "there is no psyche", "there is no past nor future".

It might be true from a very high perspective but it's mostly just impractical to deal with "real world issues".

Give me a fucking break dude. My father died from OD on smoking dope 1 year ago. I know what is like to absorb karma from family, transgenerational, and all of that shit. You don't know shit. 

 

Yet, it came a moment where I realise that I wasn't going to bite the delusion of the ego anymore.

It´s true that I haven't gotten here by mambo jumbo, intense Hatha Yoga each day for a year, unblocking all knots from the ego, to know True Power, and Light. 

And summarising it for you, there's nothing to heal, just Awaken to the Power of who you are. 

 

You don't want to take the precious information it's been given to you? 

Enjoy the suffering dummy. It seems that you like it I guess.

Fine. Enjoy your suffering. Light has been revealed to you.

 

But too much darkness you to surrender yet. 

Maybe more suffering has to happen to you to stop being such a devil and deny your true Light.

The fuck you going to know about me and 'trauma'. Duh. 

The only difference is that I stopped letting me define me and identifying with it. Because I discovered Truth.

 

Keep playing your games. See if that gets you anywhere. 

Edited June 17, 2023 by Javfly33

[Federico del pueblo]

@Javfly33 Bro you need to make sure that you're not that intensively triggered when you respond. First take your time and calm down, then proceed to write a reasonable response in an adult manner.

Otherwise your way of responding undermines everything you're trying to say and makes you look like a barking chihuahua ?

[flowboy]

On 06/06/2023 at 11:25 PM, Arthogaan said:

Do you have some kind of protocol/book for such sessions with intention of reliving some hidden memories?

Yes, I've condensed what I've learned from Janov and Vereschack amongst others into one 2hr guided video instruction recently, which I've made available to some people upon request.

Worked pretty well for the ones who were brave enough to try it out