Commitment-phobia marriage, pets, kids

[woohoo123]

Hi - I seem to have difficulty committing to others. 

In particular things like marriage, getting a pet, having kids. I get this 'icky' feeling inside which is like yes you will like it for a bit, but then you won't want it anymore. This results in massive procrastination and putting things off as I never want to commit to them.

I think it is affecting my ability to move on with my life though.

One part of it is I am afraid how I will change over the course of my life, and perhaps they will not be my priority anymore. I feel like each time I am committing to someone I am placing a ticking time bomb for myself in the future, I am afraid at some point I will regret it or I will no longer be interested and I will need to drop the 'baggage'. I feel like I am digging myself a hole which is not impossible (just harder) to get out of at some point in future.

I am not a crazy or impulsive person. Actually I like routine, stability and predictability.

But I think what happens if I get married, then one day I decide I want to sleep with loads of other women? What happens if I get a dog but then get fed up of it after 1-2 years? What happens if I have kids and lock myself down for the next 20 years? What happens if one day I am just like fuck it all and want to pursue a life purpose?

I like having the freedom of being able to pivot and turn my life around (if necessary) - FAST.

Thing is I think all these things will bring me joy, so it is something I 'desire' but it is these kind of fears which hold me back. I don't know who I will be in 5-10 years, and all this stuff I accumulate will be painful and very difficult to let go of. 

But at the same time, I am missing out on a lot of joy these things can bring as I feel like I am just waiting on the sidelines.

I'm not sure if anyone has any interesting perspectives to share which may help me heal this?

Edited May 22, 2023 by woohoo123
typo

[ndm678]

If you don't want those things, don't pursue them.

The world needs less of; people who are in marriages who don't want to be in them, people who are parents and don't like children, people who have dogs and dislike them.

You're not missing out on 'joy', you're missing out of misery, and the sensation of wearing a life that doesn't 'fit'.

[Leo Gura]

This is common, especially for men, who value freedom.

This is where getting very clear about your values is important.

Yes, committing to big things like business, family, kids, marriage is a big deal. You have to really decide you want them, otherwise don't do it. However, also, don't be stuck in analysis paralysis forever. Sit down, think it through, then decide which path is most likely to align with your top values and start making some commitments.

Kids is the most serious commitment. All the other ones you can pretty easily undo if you really change your mind.

Remember, the point of being free is to be free to commit to the things you really value. Don't glorify freedom for its own sake. You can start by making a smaller commitment, like with a pet. And see how it feels.

Edited May 23, 2023 by Leo Gura

[Princess Arabia]

18 hours ago, woohoo123 said:

Hi - I seem to have difficulty committing to others. 

In particular things like marriage, getting a pet, having kids. I get this 'icky' feeling inside which is like yes you will like it for a bit, but then you won't want it anymore. This results in massive procrastination and putting things off as I never want to commit to them.

I think it is affecting my ability to move on with my life though.

One part of it is I am afraid how I will change over the course of my life, and perhaps they will not be my priority anymore. I feel like each time I am committing to someone I am placing a ticking time bomb for myself in the future, I am afraid at some point I will regret it or I will no longer be interested and I will need to drop the 'baggage'. I feel like I am digging myself a hole which is not impossible (just harder) to get out of at some point in future.

I am not a crazy or impulsive person. Actually I like routine, stability and predictability.

But I think what happens if I get married, then one day I decide I want to sleep with loads of other women? What happens if I get a dog but then get fed up of it after 1-2 years? What happens if I have kids and lock myself down for the next 20 years? What happens if one day I am just like fuck it all and want to pursue a life purpose?

I like having the freedom of being able to pivot and turn my life around (if necessary) - FAST.

Thing is I think all these things will bring me joy, so it is something I 'desire' but it is these kind of fears which hold me back. I don't know who I will be in 5-10 years, and all this stuff I accumulate will be painful and very difficult to let go of. 

But at the same time, I am missing out on a lot of joy these things can bring as I feel like I am just waiting on the sidelines.

I'm not sure if anyone has any interesting perspectives to share which may help me heal this?

You probably have a lot of anxiety from the way this sounds. Living in the future instead of being in the present moment and flowing with life. 5yrs ago, if you were to have said the same thing about what you are experiencing in your life right now, you probably would have had anxiety and fears over that too, but you are here not worried about what is happening in your life right now but the future. Life has a way of working itself out and all the negative "what if's" are irrelevant. Think positively about the things you want and forget about the negative "what if's because what you fear you create. The trajectory you are setting here is fear-based and you will only manifest more things to be fearful about. Try to enjoy life and try to not predict so much what it would feel like if such and such doesn't turn out in your favor. 

[Sabth]

I value, self love. That's all I can care about now. "Both my pet died". I'm not free. I couldn't commit to the things I value. Any type of freedom I am not free. 

Very much thing I value had been destroyed.  

Everything that was under the care of my household, died.      (Cats) idk. Someone told me. I haven't seen it for myself... 

 

Edit : Guess I don't wanna appear weak~~

Edited May 23, 2023 by Sabth