About a Girl's past

[EdgeGod900]

I thought that what was said by this person seemed wise, do you agree? Do you have anything to add or refute?

(Side Note: I'm not in the same situation as the OP, I just found the question and the answer intriguing)

Here's a quote from a "therapist" on Quora answering the question,

"How can I stop being jealous of my girlfriend’s past relationships? She is my first girlfriend, but I am her fifth boyfriend. I can’t stop imagining her with her past boyfriends." 

Quote

A Chas (Therapist)

This is a dangerous question to ask online or in any forum where people do not fully understand your ethics, morals, values, and the reality of your relationship. They do not understand the source of your pain (and will only think that it is purely your jealousy and nothing else) and none of us know what you have and have not communicated with your girlfriend. Therefore, some of the answers you receive will only hurt you more or make you more upset.

When you ask this kind of question on here your overwhelming response will be “get over it” or “it’s in the past so you have to move on.” These are not inaccurate responses, you do eventually have to move on and you will, one way or another you will move on. However, helping you find your process is what people should really be focusing on if they actually want to help you with this.

First, ask yourself whether you intend to marry this individual. If you don’t know yet, you have the option of putting off dealing with this until later. Get to know her as a person. Learn about her personality and her character. If you don’t plan to marry her, ask yourself why you’re with them at all or ask why you’re so bothered by her past. If you feel that there is potential for marriage then continue on.

Here’s one of the important aspects that you should consider in figuring out why you’re bothered: the source. Perhaps it’s because you waited, you feel like she didn’t, and you don’t think that’s fair. Maybe you want to be HER first as well. People (or even your girlfriend) may say, “well it’s all ‘new’ because it’s you.” Yet, this isn’t enough is it? While “new memories” are special, first memories are what we really enjoy making as human beings. A lot of times it’s not enough to hear “it’s special because it’s you” or “it’s new because it’s you” as opposed to “I have never done this before.” The anxiety, anticipation, and excitement of being able to fumble through an experience together or just have similar, fresh feelings together is something special that can never be replaced by anything. For example, imagine the last time you traveled to a place that you have been to before with someone that hasn’t. Now try and remember the last time you traveled to a completely new place with someone that has also not been there. Different, right? Nobody can say which one is absolutely better because we all have different preferences, but at the same time, objectively, the latter example feels like it would have many more emotions attached and much more potential for excitement for BOTH parties. UNLESS, in the first example, you had traveled to that location but it was one you never really wanted to go on, you just felt obligated to go there, making it an unpleasant experience overall.

So there are many different ways to approach this and the depth of this issue is as complex as your thoughts combined with all the thoughts of the people on this forum. However, the first thing you have to determine is WHY you are bothered and to what extent. Is this a matter of pure jealousy or are you also upset about the morals and ethics that seem “questionable” from your perspective? You need to customize your approach depending on how you feel and depending on what exactly is bothering you.

Right now you’re bottling it up and the danger here is that you will harbor resentment. So let me give you this. You have the right to be annoyed, angry, upset, frustrated, disappointed, and all of the other emotions you are feeling. You do. You have the right to communicate with your girlfriend about what bothers you and you have the right to express yourself in a healthy manner to your girlfriend. This means telling her exactly how you feel and this will require you to think through all of it. Your girlfriend also has a right to find someone that loves her wholeheartedly. If she feels that you are that person, she will help you open up, be there for you when you make yourself vulnerable, and will walk through this with you until you either get through it or break.

The next step is very dangerous and has to be approached carefully. You can ask her about the past ONLY if she is willing. This must PURELY be so you can find the silver lining to help understand exactly what she went through and what she was thinking before you. This can either be really helpful in that you work through it together and you also find that her past is really nothing worth mentioning at all or she just has a serious past and you have to deal with it. Scary right? Sift through what she tells you, listen very carefully, and be ready to embrace her wholeheartedly. If you can do this, she will create a partition in her mind and your relationship with her will be on a different level for her. If not, the worst outcome is that you don’t work and perhaps overall that is better than tormenting yourself over this for months or years.

ALSO, remember that relationships and sex are just as confusing, if not even MORE confusing for women than they are for men. She may just be crashing through life trying to figure out how to live and voice herself. If you find that she only engaged in these activities because she was forced or coerced into them then you MUST be ready to provide her with an emotionally safe and stable environment in which you truly listen to and embrace her emotional needs. Many women are coerced into it only to try and “normalize” the situation by saying “well I wasn’t a victim” or “it’s what I wanted at the time so I don’t regret it.” Often times this just is not true. Help her connect or reconnect with herself and to open herself up for the best relationship that you can create with her.

Here is one more thing to consider. You are having an issue with your girlfriend’s past. Now think about your own actions and make sure that you do not create a past for yourself that you or anyone else that you may meet (if there is someone else someday) will regret.

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Edited May 22, 2023 by EdgeGod900

[NoSelfSelf]

I really dont see a solution that person gave its all surface level stuff.

He has too much mommy influence in him,weak programming by the media,happy wife happy life moto that causes you to pedestalize woman and want her to be a certen way,in meantime caring more about her than yourself,relationship is over without him realizing...

[EdgeGod900]

@NoSelfSelf Really!? Advising someone to contemplate about what bothering them about that situtation is surface level?

Could it be that OP's influence is less about society, but more about biology? (ie. making sure your genes get passed on to survive?)

 

[Chives99]

it would be useful for him to find the source of this insecurity with the help of psychedelics, therapy and contemplation. Projecting that insecurity will only ruin the relationship as he becomes ungrounded. Remember that everyone is their own unique person with their own unique strengths and qualities and shouldnt compare themselves to other people. 

Edited May 22, 2023 by Chives99