How should I feel about my sex life and sexual history?

[Myagooshki]

TW: Sexual behavior done to people who are too young for that (Don't worry it's a minor aspect of this post but I'm just being truthful), me taking advantage of my ex girlfriend

This is a pretty long post. I feel the need to give the amount of detail that I have. Just understand that this is a long post. It is 3,200 words.

It's a pretty on the nose question I've got for you here and I'm a pretty busy guy and I figure this group of people is at least 70% close to how I feel about stuff. So I'm gonna tell you basically what my sex life has been so far in my life, where I am now, what I need to do next, and then I'm gonna ask you how should I feel about it. It's not like I'm gonna feel the way you tell me to. I'm gonna feel however I feel about it. I might feel a different way then any of you recommend. But I wanna see how you guys would essentially feel about life if you were in my shoes.

Things started when I was 6 with an older male. I won't provide any more detail other than the fact that I do not feel psychologically scarred from it itself. In my experience, I would say that I was scarred the most when I was caught and the two of us were hollered at for doing it. I identify as straight although I would have sex with a trans woman, and some people say that makes me queer but I don't use that term for myself. I also want to have biological kids with my partner so I don't want to be with a trans woman long term. I have discussed this situation in therapy only slightly and right now I don't really think it's a proper use of my time to get professional help.  I will probably discuss it the next time I see a therapist. If you include a response to this subtopic in your comment you can say "yes" or "no", "I should prioritize speaking with a therapist moreso than I currently am doing" with a basic yes or no vote and a 5-6 sentence explanation; IN ADDITION TO, how you think I should feel about my sex life so far. I think it's possible that some of my anxiety with escalating things in the bedroom came from here. Anyway moving on. I do not want this post to be about the thing that happened when I was 6 I want this post to be about my sex life so far, so if you respond to this aspect please do so with the limitation I have provided. Back to the topic.
 

It is possible/likely that "I have autism" although I'm better at flirting and socializing now and I am not a huge fan of the autism label.

When I was 17 I had my first date with a girl and we made out in my car. That was it, we made out, and I was too nervous to stay for dinner at her house afterwards and she broke up with me the next day. I think maybe she wanted to have sex later that evening. I don't know. But I told people that she gave me a blowjob in my car and that I did anal to her in the parking lot for many years. She also apparently told my friend that she gave me a blowjob in the car. So yeah, I think she wanted the D.

When I was at the first college I attended was very bad at responding to flirts. I would feel them, but you know how flirting is, it's kind of low-fidelity information, it's subtle, and it's often done with a level of plausible deniability. I didn't want the girls to yell at me, so I didn't escalate. And I was bad at flirting back anyway, really. I just didn't know how to do it. So at my first college I did not get laid.

At my second college, I was 20 when I first attended, I had some girls who were interested in me, one in particular who was very straightforward about it and I rejected her because I wasn't attracted to her. But, this one girl who we will call Timber she came over and things got very heated. But I was too anxious to escalate. I definitely could have had sex with her and she wanted it and at one point she asked me "how bad do you want to kiss me" and I made a joke and she probably felt that I rejected her and then we didn't kiss or make out or anything, and then one time she started pulling down her pants while I was talking about playing the bongos and she was like "hey Matt you should play me" and I knew what she meant but I was too anxious to get myself to admit it and so I started playing her stomach like it was bongos, pretending that I didn't know what she meant.

 

One night over whisper when I was 21 I was masturbating and sending nudes back and forth with a girl from New Zealand. I wasn't attracted to her, but I was sexually frustrated and okay with it.

That year my mom and I went to India and there were a lot of women, especially older women, throwing themselves at me at the pool but my Indian stepfather at the time wouldn't allow me to hang out with them and if I were to disobey him he would beat my mom. Weird huge story and not relevant. Moving on.

 

Before I went off to my third college I was talking to this single mom over Facebook. I was 23 at the time. I live on the East Coast and she lived on the West Coast. We sent each other nudes and masturbation videos and talked on the phone for long hours. But I escalated it too quickly and she got very angry and blocked me.

Before I went off to my third college I also video chatted one day this girl from The Phillippines I'd had known for a few years.. let's call her Circle. I was still 23 at the time. I played like 20 songs for her on the guitar and piano and sung over video and she told me she was really into me. I reluctantly agreed to date her and we only talked over messenger chat for about a month or two. Eventually I told her I didn't actually like her, I just wanted to hook up with her, but her personality wasn't a good match for mine. And you know she lives very far away from me so visiting her would have been difficult. I blocked her on social media.

The next week I tried to find a prostitute. I went and tried to have sex with the prostitute but I had ED and I couldn't get it up and I did not have coitus. I'm using that word because it's convenient. She gave me a blowjob and we made out a lot and I ate her out for about a minute before time was up.

I felt bad and lonely in March 2018 at my third college when I was 24 after a girl I was crushing on didn't return my feelings and a girl over Facebook out west—we kinda started talking and she sent me lewds and I sent her nudes but it didn't go anywhere—I saw two prosititues and actually had coitus and everything with them and went there with Rhino pills so I would actually get it up. But there was no intimacy with prostitutes. It's just a prostitute. So I unblocked Circle and apologized. And we dated. I changed my Facebook relationship status and everybody could see it. I saw a third prostitute because I was horny and I told Circle and she got upset, obviously. Not sure why I told her. I felt like I had to. I don't know. But she didn't break up with me. And we would have a lot of video chats where we would mututally masturbate. We got emotionally deep with each other. The video chats of us masturbating felt very intimate. I felt like I got very close with her even though she wasn't very good at conversation. And no, she wasn't a scammer. If she was a green card catfish she would not have spent so much time working in Saudi Arabia to help her brother pay for college and spent more time trying to get married to me. So she was from the Phillippines working in Saudi Arabia and I couldn't visit her and she couldn't visit me but we were in a relationship and she wanted kids and we were regularly video masturbating and honestly I just wanted to fuck her and find somebody else because she was not very good at having conversation. She was some kind of stage blue/orange boring. And please do not get into the morality of me acting this way. She wasn't the scammer, I was, okay? But let's continue.

 

The summer of 2018 I realized I could set up an online business and make money from it, etc, I made some life decisions, and I was still dating Circle, sure. The online business was looking very profitable and I believed I could do it. So I made some life decisions. I felt like in the future I would be rich and do a lot of things and I would have more dating opportunities and I would start my band for sure (I've wanted to be a musician since I was 13) and I felt less like I was eternally hopeless.

 

September of 2018 I'm officially dating Circle and I wasn't completely happy about it and this girl from The Netherlands (let's call her Mime) told me she was attracted to me and wanted to date me and I would have totally loved to have dated her (even though she was very red-flaggy) but she was 10/10 and we actually had a lot to talk about. But I said no, I'm in a relationship. I rejected her. I feel like I shouldn't have. I feel like I should have broken up with Circle and dated Mime. That could have led to something but it didn't.

 

December of 2018 a girl in one of my classes hits on me and says I'm attractive. I tell her I have a girlfriend. Later that month I tell Circle how I feel about her and I block her.

So next year, 2019, I'm 25, and I unblock Circle again but in February I'm going out to the bar with my good friend Boot that I've been friends with since I was 14. At the bar I'm trying to work up the nerve to talk to some chicks and it is not remotely happening. Late March rolls around and this girl we'll call Reaper starts manipulating me. I fall for it and break up with Circle. Nothing happens with Reaper but she acts like it will, she could tell I was insecure and she was pretending to play hard to get while also deliberately saying things to make me feel self conscious and being very subtle about it. She made me feel terrible, I had a hard time eating for weeks. I start looking into pick up. I knew about it since I was in middle school, I knew about Mystery, but didn't really care/think to look into it. I also knew about RSD since 2015 but I thought they were douchey at the time and my understanding was "I don't want to express myself like that, that's not how I want to be as a person." Eventually I told Reaper I liked her romantically and we kinda stopped talking a bit although we would convene ever so occasionally. 2019 I start looking heavily into self help, all the while so far I had been building my online business and getting very good at it, getting much more progress, and getting a better understanding of how to talk to people and such. Although I was still afraid to actually take action and start meeting people and opening sets and all that.

 

That summer I had Snapchat sex with somebody I met on Facebook. She ghosted me afterwards, it sucked.

 

That September I met someone on Facebook, somebody else from The Phillippines we'll call Ravioli. Ravioli was 18 and we masturbated on video once. She was my "girlfriend" but honestly she was bad at relationshipping. Very bad. I broke up with her after 3 weeks.

 

I unblock Circle in November 2019 and apologize and we get back together. It was my last semester of college and clearly I'd had gone all through college and not gotten any sex or relationship. My whole life I just assumed I'd get laid in college. I technically did, but it wasn't REAL sex either way. Either I was fucking a prostitute or having video sex with my super long distance girlfriend. Got back with Circle. She was going back to the Phillippines from Saudi Arabia and I booked a hotel and a flight for March 20th 2020 to April 15th 2020. I was excited. Great timing too! It didn't happen. The whole world shut down. We broke up. 2020 I went raid gear. Tried to make my business profitable and got really close to succeeding. Read a shit ton of self help. I went fuckin ham dude. Improved my social philosophy and my business drastically. Started watching Leo in October 2020, watched the spiral dynamics series. Lots of shit came together for me.

January 2021 rolls around and I decide to purchase a pickup course from RSD on the West Coast. Spent the money. Never been further west than west virginia prior to this. Figured I'd go somewhere I certainly wouldn't run into anybody I know. 2021 a lot happened, it was a crazy year. I thought I got profitable with my business but I needed to learn to write code to sustain it and verify, my dad died, I started another business because I got scared (I didn't need to start that business but at the time I just got scared that my dad died and I felt unsafe), my social philosophy was getting better and better, and eventually October rolled around and I went to the RSD event. I knew enough about social philosophy to be skeptical of the attitudes and claims made by the coaches, including Owen Cook himself, but I realized that the two major things that I was afraid of in social situations was not being able to come up with things to say and not being able to recontextualize the situations. I was actually able to kiss a girl (Igloo) on the lips and I almost pulled her and her friend and if I had purchased a hotel closer to the place we were gaming like the coaches recommended, I would have pulled two girls that evening. Even though I only kissed the one, her and her friend both were feeling me up subtly as was I them at the bar area. But, I had to go back to my airbnb that was 35 minutes Uber ride away, and I slept by myself. The third and final day I skipped the game part and just went to the lecture because I was tired. Shook hands with everybody gave Owen Cook a hug blah blah blah. Woke up the next day and went hiking with Igloo. We held hands while hiking but that was about it. No kiss no hug even. As the hike ended and we got back to my rental car she more or less friendzoned me. And then she ghosted me.
 

December 2021 I go gaming while on a different vacation. Was too hard to do. Too much anxiety. I had nothing to say.

June 2022 comes around and I'm at a festival and I'm talking to a guy who encourages me to talk to a girl dancing. I realize I can't do it and I realize even further how much I need to develop my own system of always being able to come up with things to say in conversations as much as possible and always be able to recontextualize things in conversations as much as possible and when I am able to do this, I will go ham and approach a bunch of people and probably get laid and find a girlfriend. I'm pretty confident now that once I get that system ready to go, it'll be easy as cake. It's 2023, I barely started the system and I work long hours doing DoorDash and Uber, but already I'm getting really good at conversations and saying things to people and joking around with them like I've never done before. I practice a little bit on my small conversations with DoorDash and my longer ones with Uber. I'm becoming a really good conversationalist. And I personally will be satisfied once I finish my system. I will publish this system one day and other people too will learn how they can come up with things to say in conversations as much as possible and be able to recontextualize things as much as possible. I will create this system by going on the internet and looking at YouTube and game footage and such and transcribing the dialogue and then looking for patterns in their speech. I already have some patterns that I utilize regularly and there are blocks because I'm busy and I haven't started really working on the system yet. I have full faith in my system, 100%. I have a lot of faith in my business too, although a little bit less. But still a lot of faith in my business. I still have to save up money to get a lawyer so I can get an NDA for the code and such with my programmer (I'm not gonna bother to learn code). It's possible that even with the program that we write to help sustain the business, it won't be profitable. But I feel like it won't be unprofitable and that it will be successful. And then I can start working on my band. And I have a solo album that I'm almost ready to release, I just have to master it.

The thing is here is that I'm 29. I'm not 19. You could argue that there was a lot of wasted time in my 20s and such. I couldn't help it for a variety of factors. I didn't have the resources, primarily epistemic and philosophical. I'm almost 30 and I feel like I'm behind in the sex department despite being potentially skyrocket ahead in everything else. Also my health isn't that great I have heartburn and I am overweight and I have scoliosis and ED and stuff. But that can be helped with more free time and such once I get it. But I'm almost 30 and I feel like I'm really behind and that I have these stupid blocks and stuff. Just the fact that even though right now things are going smoother for me than they ever have before, I'm just depressed about my past.

 

[nhoktinvt]

if you can write this long ass post you can do anything

[Chives99]

wow you  have quite a long and wild sexual past looks like you have loads of experience, but dont compare yourself with other people its not a competition  its about making a connection , I dont even bother to disclose my body count its not important i dont want to know hers either get an NDA lol , keep at it and make sure to give yourself that unconditional self love whilst you're at it. If you can love yourself you'll be more attractive than ever.

[Myagooshki]

23 hours ago, Chives99 said:

wow you  have quite a long and wild sexual past looks like you have loads of experience, but dont compare yourself with other people its not a competition  its about making a connection , I dont even bother to disclose my body count its not important i dont want to know hers either get an NDA lol , keep at it and make sure to give yourself that unconditional self love whilst you're at it. If you can love yourself you'll be more attractive than ever.

What do you mean I have loads of experience? I have never experienced coitus without paying for it. My sexual history is garbage, loads of "almost had coitus without paying for it but didn't", and many people would say that it doesn't count. And it says a lot about who I am, especially when my enemies have had it much differently than I. Like I get it, it's unique experiences from a bunch of different angles and a higher likelihood that the next time I have a sexual encounter in person that intimate fucking will actually occur, but it feels off and isolated.

[Chives99]

dude you're comparing yourself to other people, people that brag about their sex lives dont really have much else going for them I'll think you'll find , if u had an interesting life you would talk about that and wouldn't project your insecurities onto other people making them feel bad. Why doesnt experience with an escort count??? they are professionals after all, just use that experience when your with a woman youve got to know, when you are relaxed it will just come. Get out of your head and into your body, that self narrative of unworthiness will bully you to no end, relax , love yourself, let people in

[Myagooshki]

On 5/23/2023 at 4:36 PM, Chives99 said:

dude you're comparing yourself to other people, people that brag about their sex lives dont really have much else going for them I'll think you'll find , if u had an interesting life you would talk about that and wouldn't project your insecurities onto other people making them feel bad. Why doesnt experience with an escort count??? they are professionals after all, just use that experience when your with a woman youve got to know, when you are relaxed it will just come. Get out of your head and into your body, that self narrative of unworthiness will bully you to no end, relax , love yourself, let people in

with all due respect it seems like you're parroting a lot of self help advice without actually going into my situation very much. 

Experience with an escort doesn't "count" because I didn't earn that sex socially, I paid for it with money. At least that's the argument. And one of my arguments against the idea that "I am a virgin" in general is because of my separate experiences which when added up basically adds to at least one sexual encounter. Right? Like, I almost went down on that chick that came over to my house, I had my LDR where I had regular video chat sex, and I fucked the prostitutes. Not to mention that the first prostitute I was able to get it up with (technically the second I saw) I told her it was my first time and I feel like she kinda made it awkward on purpose as to make it feel like it was my first time fuckin a chick I brought over to my house or something. Also I first started hitting a cervix but I thought it would feel more like a trampoline or something but all that happened was that my dick just wouldn't go into the vagina any further and I was like "wtf why is my dick not going anywhere? Is this what hitting a cervix feels like? Basically not being able to move anywhere like running up against a wall in a video game? I thought it would be more like bumping into a trampoline." So it's ALMOST AS IF I actually earned sex socially. And that's how I feel about this and it feels incomplete, I feel like an unalive Frankenstein a little bit. Because my experiences are frankensteined. They're chopped up. One experience was me almost leading up to sex without paying for it but it didn't lead to sex just got right up to it. Multiple experiences were me having sex but I paid for it. Many experiences were me having video chat sex mutual masturbation with a girlfriend that lived across the world that I never met. That's what I'm talking about here. Frankenstein'd.

Edited May 27, 2023 by Myagooshki

[StarStruck]

Fix your dick. Health comes first. 

[Caoimhin]

Hey, I've struggled being a late bloomer too. I didn't read your whole post but I got the gist. First, I think your past is quite normal, so no reason to feel shame.

Second, it seems like you think a lot about your past and lack of experience. If you stay in that head space, your situation will be very hard to change, so choose to stop living in the past.

We are taught about the importance of setting boundaries with other people but never really consider setting boundaries with our own thoughts. I invite you to set a boundary with thoughts about your past. This means that if you have a thought about the past, notice it and then refuse to entertain it. Your ego will keep picking on you until you have better boundaries with it. Not everything your ego says needs your attention. When you refuse to entertain these kinds of thoughts, eventually these pathways will fire less. This might sound like repression but it isn't.

When you have firm boundaries, you are acknowledging the thought and allowing yourself to feel it, but you choose not to live there anymore.  

Thirdly, stop comparing yourself to others. Everyone has their own story. You have the power to rewrite your story, but you use that power to write stories about others'. What does this subcommunicate to yourself? (actually answer that) Even if you don't really think you compare yourself to others, you are, or else you wouldn't have written this post. The ego needs a basis of comparison to feel good or bad about a situation. This also means that it is a two sided coin, I invite you to stop all negative and positive comparison. Negative comparison is self-judging, positive comparison is moralizing. Ask yourself if these are habits you want to keep doing.    

Lastly, and I can't emphasis this enough. You must love yourself unconditionally. Everything you've written is coming from self judgement and a lack of self-love. I know this sounds abstract and fluffy. Self-love couldn't possibly be the solution, but it is... If you don't love yourself unconditionally, no one can do that for you. No amount of sexual experience will fill that void. I do believe gaining sexual experience is valueable and necessary for healthy development, but you can't/shouldn't force this stuff. If you wait until you get more sexual experience to love and accept yourself, you'll never get either. You don't have control over the former, but you do have control over the latter. On the same note of self-love, because they are the same point, you must also forgive yourself for your past. I recommend doing the exercise Leo lays out in his video http://www.actualized.org/articles/how-to-love-yourself. Do this daily and do it until you start crying. Notice that you are the only person you ever needed or wanted love from. This will make you unstoppable.

Best luck and keep the faith

[Myagooshki]

On 5/28/2023 at 4:32 PM, Caoimhin said:

Hey, I've struggled being a late bloomer too. I didn't read your whole post but I got the gist. First, I think your past is quite normal, so no reason to feel shame.

Second, it seems like you think a lot about your past and lack of experience. If you stay in that head space, your situation will be very hard to change, so choose to stop living in the past.

We are taught about the importance of setting boundaries with other people but never really consider setting boundaries with our own thoughts. I invite you to set a boundary with thoughts about your past. This means that if you have a thought about the past, notice it and then refuse to entertain it. Your ego will keep picking on you until you have better boundaries with it. Not everything your ego says needs your attention. When you refuse to entertain these kinds of thoughts, eventually these pathways will fire less. This might sound like repression but it isn't.

When you have firm boundaries, you are acknowledging the thought and allowing yourself to feel it, but you choose not to live there anymore.  

Thirdly, stop comparing yourself to others. Everyone has their own story. You have the power to rewrite your story, but you use that power to write stories about others'. What does this subcommunicate to yourself? (actually answer that) Even if you don't really think you compare yourself to others, you are, or else you wouldn't have written this post. The ego needs a basis of comparison to feel good or bad about a situation. This also means that it is a two sided coin, I invite you to stop all negative and positive comparison. Negative comparison is self-judging, positive comparison is moralizing. Ask yourself if these are habits you want to keep doing.    

Lastly, and I can't emphasis this enough. You must love yourself unconditionally. Everything you've written is coming from self judgement and a lack of self-love. I know this sounds abstract and fluffy. Self-love couldn't possibly be the solution, but it is... If you don't love yourself unconditionally, no one can do that for you. No amount of sexual experience will fill that void. I do believe gaining sexual experience is valueable and necessary for healthy development, but you can't/shouldn't force this stuff. If you wait until you get more sexual experience to love and accept yourself, you'll never get either. You don't have control over the former, but you do have control over the latter. On the same note of self-love, because they are the same point, you must also forgive yourself for your past. I recommend doing the exercise Leo lays out in his video http://www.actualized.org/articles/how-to-love-yourself. Do this daily and do it until you start crying. Notice that you are the only person you ever needed or wanted love from. This will make you unstoppable.

Best luck and keep the faith

I don't think that my past is ideal, regardless of what "normal" is. If most normal people are inferior, why should I feel good about being inferior? 

The present is an accumulation of the past. The past exists in the way that you do things and say things because you only know what you know and you don't know what you don't know. And what you know comes from the past. What you're able to imagine also comes off of what you know. So this is generally why people tell you to recontexualize things, because even if your past was jack shit absurd and awful you can still "act as if" you had a different past than the one that you had. 

I don't think it's fair to say that "the ego" is the thing that creates the thoughts that randomly come up. What I will call it is a form of "internal input". I have a division between what I call "internal input" and "internal output". Internal input is, you're walking down the sidewalk, and automatically, you think of a penguin for whatever reason. You did not ask for the penguin to pop up in your mind. It just did. Internal input is when you're walking down the sidewalk and automatically you remember that time that you were eating sushi with your friends. It just randomly came up. It was a good time, that sushi venture. Internal input is also when your mind says "hey buddy why are you going for a walk? you could be more productive right now." and maybe that triggers you a little. Internal output is when you notice the penguin and you are like, hmm, lemme give that penguin a jetpack, now it's a flying penguin. Ha! No longer a flightless bird! Internal output is when you try to recall the feeling of the way that you felt and see if you can reproduce that feeling in your body or something because you liked it. Internal input is when you think "hmmm, do I need to be productive right now? Maybe I do and maybe I don't, lemme think, well I did actually do thing x already and I didn't finish thing y but I don't necessarily have a deadline for that but I'm going to walk just one block instead of two blocks and then go back and continue working on thing y". And arguably without the internal input of the guy getting nasty maybe you wouldn't have thought about finishing up thing y. Sometimes healthy internal output requires toxic internal input. At least, this is why I am skeptical of eliminating toxic internal input. And of course I might argue that ALL of what I just said is still technically "ego" so I don't think it's useful to look at it that way. But sometimes I feel like internal output only goes so far and it can only really get me to be a certain level of productive.

I don't know where to start with points three and four, you'll probably get a lower fidelity response than what you got scrappily put together with point one but let's talk about one and two first. 

[Ajax]

You got to clean up your life man. Prioritize your life.

First is diet and exercise. Proper nutrition and sleep. Daily meditation habits. Going out for walk, bike rides. Handling stressful emotions. Building an ethical code. Make friends. Work with a coach to cleanup your lifestyle habits. Start a daily journaling habit. Cut out toxic people. change toxic behaviors.

You got to take care of yourself first. That is step 1. You are going to have to complete step 1 before you move to next step (which is relationships)... Especially as damaged as you are. I mentioned many starting places, now it is up to you to do some work.

Edited June 27, 2023 by Ajax

[Myagooshki]

On 6/27/2023 at 0:59 AM, Ajax said:

You got to clean up your life man. Prioritize your life.

First is diet and exercise. Proper nutrition and sleep. Daily meditation habits. Going out for walk, bike rides. Handling stressful emotions. Building an ethical code. Make friends. Work with a coach to cleanup your lifestyle habits. Start a daily journaling habit. Cut out toxic people. change toxic behaviors.

You got to take care of yourself first. That is step 1. You are going to have to complete step 1 before you move to next step (which is relationships)... Especially as damaged as you are. I mentioned many starting places, now it is up to you to do some work.

This website doesn't always give the best information but I don't know who you're calling damaged. I've seen your posts on this website before and I wouldn't call you damaged, but I'm gonna ask you why you think I'm damaged, why you randomly suggest daily meditation habits. No I don't meditate. I used to though. 

See, you DON'T know who I am, and I am not at square one, but I don't like it when people on this website go over the top with overly basic platitudes and they really don't get into details. You're assuming I don't diet, you're assuming I don't exercise, you're assuming I don't sleep well, you're assuming I need to make more friends, where are you getting this from? What do you think my bad lifestyle habits are? Tell me from what I said what I need to improve on specifically because you're the one giving these specific recommendations.

Lastly, the question in this post is me asking how should I feel, not what should I do. So I'd like THAT to be addressed, primarily.

Edited July 5, 2023 by Myagooshki

[Ajax]

@Myagooshki

Damaged is a choice. You can choose not to be. You ain't the only one who has gone through some shit. Believe me.

You are playing the role of a victim. Victims want pity and sympathy; sorry I am not playing that game.

You have to care for yourself before you can properly take care of someone else. That is just the way it works.

18 hours ago, Myagooshki said:

Lastly, the question in this post is me asking how should I feel,

You should feel like taking responsibility and control of your life. You should not feel that you have a right to be unhappy. You should feel it's time to decide to fix the disasters in your life, one step at a time.

Edited July 5, 2023 by Ajax

[Myagooshki]

8 hours ago, Ajax said:

@Myagooshki

Damaged is a choice. You can choose not to be. You ain't the only one who has gone through some shit. Believe me.

You are playing the role of a victim. Victims want pity and sympathy; sorry I am not playing that game.

You have to care for yourself before you can properly take care of someone else. That is just the way it works.

You should feel like taking responsibility and control of your life. You should not feel that you have a right to be unhappy. You should feel it's time to decide to fix the disasters in your life, one step at a time.

So you didn't answer my questions for the most part except for the last one. No I will not give you a cookie. Or a strawberry, if that's more in alignment with your nutrition chakra. But, I will discuss. 

So essentially when I ask you how should I feel about my sexual history your response is that I should feel respect for the loss, gratitude for the lesson, and inspiration for changing the things that I can. 

My response back to you is that you yourself should feel like you have a right to be unhappy. That comes back to the idea for respect for the loss. Disrespecting the loss is not allowing you to feel unhappy. If you're unhappy you're unhappy. Don't let other people tell you how not to feel. Now if I'm asking people how I feel in a group forum like this, that's a different scenario because I'm looking for perceptual suggestions meant to invoke different feelings.