How not to be Judgmental

[Kinjal]

Hello people, hope you are doing well and healthy by the grace of God. So, I have a doubt, and that just makes me fall into a deadlock situation by my own rules. So, the doubt is I believe that if we face toxic people in our life, just stay away from them and cut out those people from our life. But that rule itself violates my other rule, I am judging people as toxic and because of that, that judgment bites my ass somewhere in the future without being aware of it. So, what's the solution? I believe many of you guys face this kind of conundrum inside and hope I'm not alone.

Best Regards.

Edited May 21, 2023 by Kinjal

[caspex]

"Judging" means two things. 1: Analyzing and forming a conclusion 2: Not accepting someone. You don't want to do the second thing, but it's good to do the first. Judging(1) someone to be toxic is quite fine. But judging(2) someone for being toxic is not. You get what I am trying to say?
To accept someone you just have to see them as your equal. Then, see yourself in them, and 'allow' yourself as them to exist.
For example: Person A is pretty toxic, I hate them. But I should to something about this hate. Let me do this. I am that person. I am toxic. But I don't hate myself for being toxic. I allow myself to be toxic. It's ok to be toxic...

Now with this, you won't hate them anymore for who they are. The reason you hate someone is because you'd hate to be them. (Except in the case of jealousy, where you'd love to be them, but hate to be you in relation to them. If you'd love to be them, and also accept who you are in relation to them, that's admiration.)

[Kinjal]

@integral would you please give some of your insights on it? 

[Kinjal]

@Swarnim thanks for the insight. I understood now. Making judgement is just means my thoughts argues with what is. I just need to accept what is. Loving what is. And stay away from negative toxic people and accepting them as they are for the sake of myself. After thinking about it including your suggestion, it makes sense now. Thank you for replying and grateful for your insight, Mr.@Swarnim

Edited May 21, 2023 by Kinjal
Grammatical errors

[integral]

6 hours ago, Swarnim said:

"Judging" means two things. 1: Analyzing and forming a conclusion 2: Not accepting someone. You don't want to do the second thing, but it's good to do the first. Judging(1) someone to be toxic is quite fine. But judging(2) someone for being toxic is not. You get what I am trying to say?
To accept someone you just have to see them as your equal. Then, see yourself in them, and 'allow' yourself as them to exist.
For example: Person A is pretty toxic, I hate them. But I should to something about this hate. Let me do this. I am that person. I am toxic. But I don't hate myself for being toxic. I allow myself to be toxic. It's ok to be toxic...

Now with this, you won't hate them anymore for who they are. The reason you hate someone is because you'd hate to be them. (Except in the case of jealousy, where you'd love to be them, but hate to be you in relation to them. If you'd love to be them, and also accept who you are in relation to them, that's admiration.)

Great insight

5 hours ago, Kinjal said:

@integral would you please give some of your insights on it? 

Sure! Its nearly always do to a lack of understanding, let deeper understanding set you free. There are always similarities and differences and we tend to focus of the differences, but if we focus on both we get a more balanced way of relating to other people.

To reach deeper understanding its about framing, seeing things from multiple perspective and seeing all the components that made that person who they are today. If we take on the perspective of developmental psychology people are the product of there life experiences, genetics, upbringing/parenting, financial situation, health problems, values(SD), personality type, how they feel, stress levels, trauma ... Multiple factors came to getter to make this person who they are today and very few if none of does factors where within the control of that individual. We like to blame people for who they are or how they are behaving and say they should be different or act different but that's like blaming a tree for growing "wrong". Its not really the fault of the tree, that tree is just the product of the location its seed was planted and circumstance (sunlight, abundance of nutrients). Some people had loving childhoods and some people where beaten as children creating disfunction later in life.

Another issue is blame. Blaming others for how we feel instead of taking 100% responsibility for how we feel. In the end of the day putting our mental health in the hands of others by accusing them for our mental health is a game that we will never win and prevents us from growing up. 

Edited May 21, 2023 by integral

[Moksha]

Every step of your path requires judgment. Eventually you realize that not only are others following the inevitable trajectory of their existence, but you are doing the same.

Love is the absolute resonating with itself, within and between the apparent forms of its creation. When this is realized, there is no judgment of the self or of others, only unconditional grace.

[Kinjal]

1 hour ago, Moksha said:

Love is the absolute resonating with itself, within and between the apparent forms of its creation. When this is realized, there is no judgment of the self or of others, only unconditional grace.

hmm...I mean, for me to have that kind of a God-level consciousness is quite hard. I mean, it's quite paradoxical to say that if I know Love then I shouldn't have this conundrum inside in the first place. One day I will understand that Love, Infinity, God. Right now, I'm just doing the best of my capabilities. Love is what I am.

Edited May 21, 2023 by Kinjal

[Osaid]

Judgment is on faith. It's a conundrum because you're assuming you know something about someone else when you don't. That's what it means to judge. Just become conscious that you don't know and then you wont be able to judge anymore. Just observe accurately instead.

It's not a judgment that 1+1=2, it's just a fact.

"I don't like fat people" is a judgment because it is based in your psychological reality and not an existential reality.

Distinguish between these two.

Edited May 21, 2023 by Osaid

[Moksha]

1 hour ago, Kinjal said:

I mean, it's quite paradoxical to say that if I know Love then I shouldn't have this conundrum inside in the first place. One day I will understand that Love, Infinity, God. Right now, I'm just doing the best of my capabilities. Love is what I am.

Exactly. Love is you trying to realize itself, and it is others trying not to realize itself. Regardless of realization, it is still inevitably Love.

When you understand your essence, you can't avoid understanding the essence of others. The apparent boundaries separating you from them begin to dissolve. It is all the same essence.

Realizing this, how can there be judgment? It is all the absolute, losing and finding itself within its dream. It's ok to distance yourself from toxicity, until you are no longer defined by it.

When the absolute awakens itself within you, it will work through you to awaken itself within others.

[Kinjal]

37 minutes ago, Osaid said:

Just become conscious that you don't know and then you wont be able to judge anymore. 

Yes, I don't know anything by default. Everything that I am thinking is just thoughts that are not true, just a theory. That's the reality of it. 

39 minutes ago, Osaid said:

Just observe accurately instead.

Okay now let's say, I'm talking with a guy and being in the present moment. And I realized that that guy is so negative and toxic and I don't like the conversation the way it's going forward. So right there what I have realized about the guy, is that my judgment, or that guy is really toxic? 

[Osaid]

30 minutes ago, Kinjal said:

And I realized that that guy is so negative and toxic and I don't like the conversation the way it's going forward. So right there what I have realized about the guy, is that my judgment, or that guy is really toxic? 

The term "toxic" is just a placeholder label meant to describe a certain set of attributes that you are perceiving. Labels will always lack nuance, because their function is to just condense everything into one simple easy-to-use term. You lose a lot of details with them. When you say something is "negative" or "toxic", you've immediately created a psychological framework that says their existence has absolutely no positive value.

More accurate and insightful would be the answer to these questions: Why is he toxic? What is toxic here? What is it about this person that irks me so much? Why is this conversation so hard for me? The answers to these questions will bring to light the contents of this label you call "toxic".

It is not necessarily wrong to call someone toxic, but you must have contemplated these further nuances beforehand so that you actually know WHY they are toxic. Otherwise, the word toxic just becomes a weapon for the ego and it gets applied everywhere indiscriminately. 

Because your identity and survival quota is so unique, someone else might actually perceive this person as "positive" and not "toxic". So now you see how flexible these labels are, and how easily it can be used to perpetuate your ego and someone else's ego. This guy probably has friends of his own that see nothing wrong with him, for example.

Here's a practical example:

The person I'm talking with is toxic ("toxic" is the label here)

The person I'm talking with always communicates as if I am inferior to him (the contents of the label "toxic" are explicated here, so this is more accurate)

 

Edited May 21, 2023 by Osaid

[Kinjal]

1 hour ago, Osaid said:

The term "toxic" is just a placeholder label meant to describe a certain set of attributes that you are perceiving. Labels will always lack nuance, because their function is to just condense everything into one simple easy-to-use term. You lose a lot of details with them. When you say something is "negative" or "toxic", you've immediately created a psychological framework that says their existence has absolutely no positive value.

That's true. I think of label as a class that has many properties that can vary from person to person. So, the way I can define toxic is a label that might have a different meaning for others. And the properties of the class (label) are always changing with respect to our levels of consciousness. So, I think that having a label may be beneficial and effective for us to take decisions beforehand in terms of investing time and energy. Because our time and energy quota is limited.

1 hour ago, Osaid said:

More accurate and insightful would be the answer to these questions: Why is he toxic? What is toxic here? What is it about this person that irks me so much? Why is this conversation so hard for me? The answers to these questions will bring to light the contents of this label you call "toxic".

Well yeah, I can look inside and do the inquiry. And every time it all comes down to one answer, it is actually my problem. And the people that I call toxic or negative are just my own interpretation of reality or self-image. So, there's actually no toxicity out there, it's inside me which I need to be aware of and work out by myself. 

You see, according to my inquiry all things, in the end, boil down to one thing, this is my business, and who is responsible for fixing it, it's me again.

So, the action plan I can take is just to accept them as they are because that's the reality and to stay away from those people who I call toxic because I have that choice.

Am I right?

Edited May 21, 2023 by Kinjal

[Osaid]

20 hours ago, Kinjal said:

So, I think that having a label may be beneficial and effective for us to take decisions beforehand in terms of investing time and energy. Because our time and energy quota is limited.

As long as you are conscious that you are doing this, it's not so bad. But you are sacrificing details to do that.

You will not have all the information you need all the time. So cutting corners is fine. But cutting corners without being aware that you are cutting corners will lead to problems, because you are unconscious of what you are doing.

20 hours ago, Kinjal said:

this is my business, and who is responsible for fixing it, it's me again.

Yes, absolutely.

20 hours ago, Kinjal said:

So, the action plan I can take is just to accept them as they are because that's the reality and to stay away from those people who I call toxic because I have that choice.

Am I right?

Pretty much.

You have no option but to accept what they are, or else you are denying reality. But, you do have the option to deal with what they are.

Dissecting the label is important, because a lot of times the toxicity stems from your own expectations and attachments.

You can deal with toxicity in many ways. You can move away from it. You might even be able to evaporate it by dissolving your own attachments. Or maybe you will try to change the person. Up to you. Ultimately, it will only ever be dealt with when you decide to inspect the contents of label itself. Once you do that, then you can take conscious action.
 

Edited May 22, 2023 by Osaid

[hyruga]

Don't judge or insult people so much so that you won't be judged so much in the end. Also be grateful and bless more people.

Edited May 24, 2023 by hyruga

[SourceCodo]

Instead of considering them as toxic (not nice), you could just recognize that the real problem is you not enjoying your time together.

 

If you make it more about your own experience and less about defining them… It’s just you doing what you enjoy and not doing what you don’t. 
 

Cheers. 
 

Mind tricks 

Edited May 22, 2023 by SourceCodo

[Jacob Morres]

 you can still cut people out and stay away from them while not judging them, there's no contradiction 

Edited May 22, 2023 by Jacob Morres

[Schizophonia]

"How not to be a human anymore ?" 

Edited May 26, 2023 by Schizophonia

[sholomar]

It takes practice and repetition. Judgmentalism is basically a sympathetic nervous system response often based on subconscious negative emotion combined with a thought story whereas a DMT trip or enlightenment is basically a profound parasympathetic response. Is that thought story a valid one or a cultural construct? Is it part of "your story?" Reality just is. There is no ultimate right or wrong incarnating into this physical dimension. We are here for the ying and the yang.  You can do what you think is right and still have it backfire on you. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Do what you feel obligated to do, but beware you create your own suffering for what  actions you take and thoughts you decide to hold and believe.

Edited May 27, 2023 by sholomar

[hyruga]

Well, when it comes down to judgement, it's due to your attachment.

Maybe you are attached to having more money. So when you see someone has more, you may judge them as lucky or being born to rich family. It clouds your judgement.

Edited May 27, 2023 by hyruga