Is it dark night of the soul, ego backlash or just overall sadness?

[KGrimes]

This might be a bit of a long rant, but I hope this post finds the right answer to my problems.

 

Back in winter time I had a wonderful 3 month trip to Thailand, where I was very happy, excited for the most part, until the understanding of pointlesness in all the things arose.

I allowed myself to just live uncontrolably, if I wanted sex, I had sex, and with multiple women - this was something I never had done before very actively, never had a phase of just “fucking around”. Quite quickly i realised, that it’s not really sex that I needed, it was a deeper connection, sex was just an urge, I always felt quite happy afterwards, but then time passed and I saw the meaninglesness in it all. It was great time nonetheless while it happened, just the highs were very short.

My confidence was through the roof during this time. I truly felt and understood solipsism, I WAS the “Main Character”.

When I came back home to a very grey, cold climate, lot’s of stress from work, i spiraled down into negative state of being. I was overworked, smoking weed all the time, drinking alcohol and just feeling stuck. Thing is, I did enjoy drinking and smoking, it made me feel positive emotions until the next day. Rinse repeat.

 I tried dating for real, but I couldn’t even feel like I really want a relationship, setup dates, and not even go through with it. She’s(They) are not the one I said to myself.

During this time I made the most money I ever had, bought my own apartment at age 25, pretty big step forward, right? Well, I havent moved in yet but it has not really brought me happiness, just another “checkmark” off of my “Lifes to do list” and happiness for my parents - their son has accomplished something.

I workout, I go to work, I create music (I DJ as a hobby) read some books, most notably Conversations With God again.

I tried being completely sober, but failed many times. Meditation does not interest me as much anymore, it all feels pointless.

I had a decent trip on LSD, no breakthrough, mostly realising same things I do during the trips, had a channeling experience, but now in just a few days I comedown to the baseline level and everything just starts over again.

Trying to be conscious, but it all feels so… bland? When I just started even post trip after glows were magnificent, I would always feel so much better and motivated, loved life, reality, myself.

I have manifested almost everything I wanted, except for the “perfect partner”.

I was contemplating on quitting my job as I felt that it influences my drinking habbits (it’s a young, startup company, partying and drinking after work is the norm here) but im in a pretty good position financially, well respected and loved too. This is what i wished for and manifested forward.

Once I told my boss how I felt ( lost motivation, cant sleep, cant be happy) they sent me on 1 month holiday.

I went to Rome, admired the architecture, the food. Went to Vatican, had somewhat of a spiritual connection, but anyway, wasn’t that happy as I was in Thailand.

Now as I type this I am laying by the pool, sun, great weather, should be no worries.

Yet I feel so alone.

So many things that I should do but don’t.

Spirituality now gave me a vision of how hard it would be to attain enlightenment. My ego is torn between pursuing better career to be set for life, looking for a great partner and also - just quitting it all to meditate (yet I know that it wouldnt be any easier to meditate and contemplate with all the time in the world, if there’s no passion for it)

The magic feeling of what reality truly is, even if I understand and read and contemplate the nature of myself, I am still lonely and lost. I have thoughts in my head of how happy I should be, yet I am not. Why is that? 
 

I’ve been given recommendations to go to psychotheraphy, I am not sure if this could work with my spiritualy background and beliefs. Maybe that’s my problem here, I should first fix my deeper inner child and life problems like anxiety, attachment, etc.

It also seems that now, I am re-descovering and contemplating the same topics and understand just how many biases and opinions I have accumulated about everything. I take words and opinions for granted, I tell myself I am God yet I don’t feel like I am it, even if I had some awakening experiences.

I tell myself it’s a dream, relax, enjoy, yet it feels very real. Conv. W/ God books help me keep the right mindset most of the time, but… reality just became boring. I cannot appreciate the beauty as much as I did just a few months or a year ago.

So, what’s the solution here? Are these signs of depression? Loneliness? Is it dark night of the soul or ego backlash?

I contemplated about quitting spirituality for a bit and focus on making material life better, but I’ve gone too far to just quit it now. I don’t want to struggle and be trapped like this for years to come.

Edited May 19, 2023 by KGrimes

[JellyDogShoe_1Mil]

What is it that you are seeking? What do you want? Are you searching for “It?

The mind loves gross sensation. It’s always searching for the next blissed-out state, or the next high. I have been stuck in that cycle of getting high, furiously masturbating, consuming content and feeling empty right after. 

Let’s play a little game. Whatever you are searching for, whether it be God, The Truth, Reality, Enlightenment (all pointers to the same thing), start from that fact that you are already that which you seek. Take it on an act of faith if you have any initial doubts. 

When I tell you all of “my” problems just went away, that truly is all there is to it. Suffering is just abolished. There’s no self-center to take hold. No guilt, shame, regrets of the past, fear of the future. Just this. 

Edited May 19, 2023 by JellyDogShoe_1Mil

[KGrimes]

@JellyDogShoe_1Mil very good question.

what i am truly seeking is liberation. I want to feel free, I want to be my highest self and experience reality without the ego present. I want to live a joyful and peaceful life, where every decision comes from within.

i read, and know some people who completely surrender and the action comes from within, when you don’t need to think what is the right choice, you know it intuitively and do whats right.

 

i also don’t want to feel like a hypocrite whenever i enjoy materialistic things, right now sub-consciously i judge myself for doing something which i feel is not right e.g: partying, drinking alcohol, eating bad food, lying to people etc.

[JellyDogShoe_1Mil]

18 minutes ago, KGrimes said:

@JellyDogShoe_1Mil very good question.

what i am truly seeking is liberation. I want to feel free, I want to be my highest self and experience reality without the ego present. I want to live a joyful and peaceful life, where every decision comes from within.

i read, and know some people who completely surrender and the action comes from within, when you don’t need to think what is the right choice, you know it intuitively and do whats right.

 

i also don’t want to feel like a hypocrite whenever i enjoy materialistic things, right now sub-consciously i judge myself for doing something which i feel is not right e.g: partying, drinking alcohol, eating bad food, lying to people etc.

You are experiencing reality right now with no ego present. The ego is nothing more than a thought. Pause thinking for a minute, where is the ego? 

Your very existence IS the reality.  Really, there's not even a "you" to experience reality. Just reality. 

That judging thought is the ego itself. There is no way to get rid of the ego, since who or what is getting rid of it? Getting rid of the ego is the ego thought-form itself. Just see that thoughts are not you. You are prior to thinking. 

If you want to party, party. If you want to drink alcohol, drink alcohol. Same with any other desire. There is no "you" doing any of it. The only "problem" is when you form a conceptual reference point (a "me") and take yourself to be that. Then from there, that brings in suffering. "Why is this happening to me." "I am no good." "I feel so guilty." 

Edited May 19, 2023 by JellyDogShoe_1Mil

[KGrimes]

@JellyDogShoe_1Mil

 

thanks for your answer. I decided to spend the rest of my holiday meditating as much as possible and contemplating wherever possible as well as limiting alcohol and focusing purely being aware. Seems I have lost the basics after a while, and just need to get that out of the way first.

[Moksha]

On 5/19/2023 at 7:48 AM, KGrimes said:

I should first fix my deeper inner child and life problems like anxiety, attachment, etc.

This is a pointer. Despite what you have realized, until you begin integrating your spiritual insights into your life, you will continue to be externally entangled. There is little value in spiritual experiences, unless they are leveraged to drive your awareness internally to the source. Eventually, your attachments must be dissolved, because they are clearly seen as the source of your distraction and disillusionment.

Ask yourself who it is that feels anxious about the external world. When you abide in the answer deeply within, you stably see that there is nothing about which to be anxious. You are the absolute solution to your suffering.

Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God.

- A Course in Miracles

 

[KGrimes]

@Moksha thank you. I have made a choice to also start psychotheraphy for real once I comeback. There’s too much hidden trauma inside that I just brush off or counter-intuitively try to fix with “being present” which does not work when I have these huge moments of doubt, confusion and suffering.

[Moksha]

@KGrimes Good for you. Spirituality is therapy. We all have traumas that eventually dissolve in the light of unconditional love, which is your absolute nature.

The best therapist walks cowled at your side, encouraging your progress along the inward path, until eventually you arrive at the gate of yourself. You pranam as you leave them behind, enter the gate, and realize that all along the face beneath the cowl was your own.

[KGrimes]

@Moksha I agree with you, but it seems that the mind can be extremelly trick. One of those tricks would be - “I don’t need theraphy because no psychotherapist understands the absolute nature of our reality, all of their treatments come from books or experience and they could simply be wrong on the most foundational level” but I feel as if I need that human like approach to these problems as solving them myself seems hard, or maybe it’s a very long process and i expect to truly heal and ascend them too fast. And I am not sure, I cannot relate if what I am going through is normal or not. The mind is a tricky tricky place especially when I lose balance and the connection of my inner self.

Unless you are fully enlightened, then you go through these on-and-off periods of dreaming-waking up-dreaming-waking up, versus being fully awake at all times.

 

here im talking precisely about my personal experience.

[Moksha]

@KGrimes You're right that the mind is tricky, and are wise to be wary of it. It takes deep inner insight, yoked with sincere integration, for the mind to become domesticated.

There are good therapists out there, but you have to keep looking until you find the right person for you. It's true that most therapists aren't awakened, but all you truly need is someone that can provide a safe space and ask questions that help you find the answers within yourself.

There's a reason one of the traditional paths of awakening is bhakti, or devotion with the guidance of a guru. It is all the same summit, just different paths of getting there, based on the individual dispositions and strengths of the aspirant.

[Princess Arabia]

Reading this was quite a ride. I think I felt every emotion there is to feel by reading it. Infinity cannot be satisfied by finite things; and, since you are Infinite and already are everything, you are here to experience the part of Infinity you would like to experience. Creation is finished and everything exists in potential and can only manifest via an observer. You have called in everything into your world whether you are conscious of it or not. Thats how powerful you are. You are so powerful that you can manifest the wanted and the unwanted just by thought alone and by giving those thoughts attention and intense feeling. It seems like you are resisting those unwanted feelings that you have created for yourself, and in doing that, you are feeding the energy  from where they came. Its like you're stretching the rubber band but not letting it go. My feeling is you are searching for a constant blissed-out state, but that is very hard to sustain if you're not grounded in Awareness and "possess" the knowing of who you truly are. You are searching for something that you can never find because you are it. We are here to experience that part of Infinity that we chose to experience in any given moment, and we can change what part of the script we would like to experience by our thoughts, feelings and assumptions. The part about a "perfect partner"....unless you become that perfect partner you will never see it. Once you realize there is nothing to gain, nothing to fix, and that noone or no-thing can ever satisfy you sustainably, you begin to free yourself from expectations of what or how things should be and start to accept what is (believe me, I'm learning to embody this myself, it is not easy) but the first step is awareness and understanding the process and what it truly means to be free. It is not easy being human, many challenges will arise; but once you recognize that you are thinking thoughts that make you feel a certain way, (or entertaining thoughts for that matter), you try to override the mind by only entertaining the ones that make you feel good but don't get attached to that feeling and overtime your thought patterns will change and you will make the mind your servant instead of your master. Feel the unwanted feelings, let them be, consider them clouds passing through. Even the ones that feel good. Don't get attached to them. Don't identify. Understand its the body going through changes. Rest as Awareness. Experience the good and the bad. The mind is perceiving things a certain way because of its subconscious programming and it is limited. Only focus on the things you want. You seem to have an easy way of manifesting, even unwanted things, so you have to be careful of where you are placing your energy and attention. I don't know what your problem is, as you stated you have one to fix but the mind is used to and trained to solve problems so it will go seeking out problems to fix even when there isn't any. (Math class didn't help with this..lol). Try not to feel guilt or shame for the worldly things you partake in, because the guilt or shame becomes more toxic than the event itself. You feel alone because you have mentally distanced yourself from yourself and trying to get that connection back through outwardly things. Be the friend you seek, give yourself the love you desire and you will be rewarded because the Universe is in the business (so-to-speak) of giving and receiving  and you cannot receive what you don't give or  give what you don't have. P.S. I'm also learning to do these things I'm recommending, so I'm just sharing with you things I'm learning and trying to embody myself and the reason I speak so confidently about this is because I'm recognizing the importance of these things and seeing the difference it has made in my life and mental state. It is a constant learning process but well worth it for freeing the mind and learning to live in a constant state of inward peace. Hope this helps. 

[KGrimes]

@Princess Arabia @Moksha

Thank you both for the kind words and guidance, makes me feel a bit better about everything

[Princess Arabia]

5 hours ago, KGrimes said:

@Princess Arabia @Moksha

Thank you both for the kind words and guidance, makes me feel a bit better about everything

?

[mmKay]

I've read your post twice but I'm not sure if I got the gist of It right. What you're saying is that lately sometimes you feel  "empty", lonely , and things feel "pointless?

Sounds to me a bit as if you're experiencing an exhaustion of the material aspect of life at a certain level, something  like what hapens to rockstars after a year concerts and touring.

Feel free to DM me if you'd like to elaborate further