Life Purpose, career and beyond

[Loving Radiance]

This is my journal to write about my journey through the LP Course, plans and updates about my career development, and thoughts and contemplations which are all around designing my life for higher-consciousness living.

For forum members, please post only supportive and constructive comments. Thank you.

 

Note to self: Do all important tasks first and only then come and write here to exclusively reflect on topics.

Edited May 16, 2023 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

Update

Today I began to make flashcards to learn all the concepts. I notice that otherwise they would just fade away even with consistent reading over my notes.

I know that the real work is building the tree house, but when I keep forgetting how to screw the wood together I feel I will spend more time looking at the instruction rather than actually working and having the map inside me. I like this process to be as fluid as possible. I want to know and navigate through these waters like I know and do at my home.

In school I didn't like to use flashcards to learn because I associated it with being forced to learn something that I wasn't interested in. However, here with the LP course I am internally motivated and I can see how this will help me in the long-term.

 

On the value of small steps

I spoke with my a friend about if we do "enough" work. Apparently he wasn't satisfied with himself and judged himself for it. Yes, we are not doing enough compared to others and to our expectations, however we are already doing enough considering our position. Only because everybody else seems to run a marathon doesn't mean that those who never ran 100 meters need to run a marathon too. We can only start with 50 meters and maybe increase it by 10 meters each day. It's okay to start slow. And in the end we are doing marathons regularly because we enjoyed being consistent and dedicated to the journey.

Edited May 16, 2023 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

Reflection on limiting beliefs and mental health challenge

Man, limiting beliefs have guided me my whole life. I found many great guiding questions on the internet to uncover limiting beliefs. There were so many times I felt the subconscious impulse to just look away and not investigate into it. Especially the core wound and resulting beliefs my identity is standing on let the urge come up to distract and forget all what I have learned.

Being dissociated (depersonalization-derealization) is not easy while wanting to do the LP course. Leo said that one should care for their health first and then come back to do the course. It was difficult today. Because the mind's analytical capability, to think straight and the self-perception weren't functioning right. However now I am doing better and I continue the course because it gives me purpose and is a goal that shows me that I can care for my future self. Still, it's tricky because I easily distract and dissociate when I go into serious investigation like for example with limiting beliefs.

[Loving Radiance]

On 16.5.2023 at 9:11 PM, Loving Radiance said:

Update

Today I began to make flashcards to learn all the concepts. I notice that otherwise they would just fade away even with consistent reading over my notes.

I always had huge resistance to learning with flash cards and I didn't do this since writing of it. There's a rejection of my mother-introject (psyche part) in me because back in elementary school my mother used to push me to use flash cards for learning English vocabulary.

On 19.5.2023 at 11:09 PM, Loving Radiance said:

Reflection on limiting beliefs and mental health challenge

Man, limiting beliefs have guided me my whole life. I found many great guiding questions on the internet to uncover limiting beliefs. There were so many times I felt the subconscious impulse to just look away and not investigate into it. Especially the core wound and resulting beliefs my identity is standing on let the urge come up to distract and forget all what I have learned.

Having lived here at a conscious community for inner growth for a few weeks, I know now that this was a guardian protector part which didn't allow me to illuminate my shadow.

Edited November 22, 2023 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

Pass #1 - Most Meaningful Things In Life

It took many hours of introspection to arrive at my top 10. Not at all just 30 minutes. I finished this pass way back in September.

So many of my real-life examples of the values were connected to multiple values.

1. (internal) Exploration & Curiosity
2. Companionship
3. Authenticity/Truth/Wisdom/Simplicity
4. Impact
5. Wholeness
6. Clarity
7. Love
8. Feeling (deeply)
9. Beauty
10. Understanding
11. (Joy & Bliss)

 

 

Pass #2 - Tabula Rasa

1. Self-mastery in intellect & emotions through:
   • meditation
   • introspection/contemplation
   • growth-zone: facing that which I avoid
     • shadow work - aligning energies
     • conflicts with people
       • e.g. what I criticize, truly think and stand for; showing myself
2. Authenticity - centered in myself, following my heart's calling and being what I am
3. Sharing my gift and impacting people - empowering people (through the system); my kindled flame ignites people's flames
4. Joy - doing activities in deep love-, trust- and joy-contact with many people
5. Intimacy - secure social net, and being in deep friendships & partner relationships (and if resonant, being a father and bringing children into the world)
6. Health - taking care of my body (& nature)
   • balance of rest/nourishment & healthy stress

 

 

Pass #3 - Master Values List

At first, I had 23 values and needed to reduce them by combining them to get to 10 values. To combine the similar ones I needed to define them.

1. Love/Intimacy
   • Importance: 10/10
   • My definition: Connection. Recognition of divinity. Awe. Aliveness. Expansiveness.
   • Reason: To love and to share intimacy is why I'm here. Sharing my love means to contribute, impact and touch people with my gift. Love is my essence; it is who I am.
2. Authenticity
   • Importance: 10/10
   • My definition: Being grounded in who & what I am. Being grounded in my truth and expressing my truth. Moving from that grounded security.
   • Reason: Authenticity is about self-love.
3. Clarity/Truth/Honesty/Consciousness/Awareness/Feeling/Understanding
   • Importance: 10/10
   • My definition: Noticing all energy movement in the mental & bodily dimension. Seeing truth rather than illusion. Recognition of the essence. Being connected to truth, a higher state of being. Living life in that state.
   • Reason: Understanding, true seeing, truth recognition, and thus love.
4. Contribution/Impact/Helping Others/Society/Wholeness/Nature
   • Importance: 10/10
   • My definition: Adding value to the universe. Giving myself to life. Being the highest expression of what I am. Sharing my gift and unique expression. Creating a healthy way of living for all life that is natural and win-win.
   • Reason: I want to be selfless, idealistic and working towards something higher. I want to deeply touch & move people.
5. Beauty/Connection/Joy/Spirituality
   • Importance: 10/10
   • My definition: Being conscious of reality; appreciating a part of reality; appreciating the being of reality; being in touch with & connected to reality. Being one. Recognition of the highest. Being captivated and fascinated by existence or in awe of existence.
   • Reason: Connection to a higher state of being.
6. Health
   • Importance: 10/10
   • My definition: Self-care in nutrition, exercise, mental activity (lifestyle, habits, information intake, inner work).
   • Reason: It serves Clarity and clear perception. It serves Authenticity.
7. Self-Mastery
   • Importance: 10/10
   • My definition: Being a conscious creator in order to serve life. Knowing where energies go. Releasing energy blockages of emotional repression, limiting beliefs, and autopilot-stuck psyche parts.
   • Reason: Being a pure, superconducting channel and serving life. It serves Contribution. It is also fun to discover the blockages and feel the relief of (painful) truth.
8. Friendship/Companionship
   • Importance: 9/10
   • My definition: Seeing and recognizing each in the other. Having a foreign water-awareness-mirror to see myself.
   • Reason: I love the uniqueness and landscape of others. The completely foreign world. I value the energy exchange. Dancing together. Recognition of the other.
9. Open-mindedness/Perspective/Novelty
   • Importance: 9/10
   • My definition: Seeing all possible ways to look at things; all possible angles to look at a diamond. Finding the most true, healthy, whole and functional lenses. Recognizing where energy gets lost and already flows.
   • Reason: There is a merciful, compassionate understanding, and also a curiosity. It leads to being connected with life because everything is seen & deeply felt from every position & survival bias.
10. Wisdom/Simplicity
    • Importance: 9/10
    • My definition: Touching the essence/core of something. Signal instead of the noise. Clear self-understanding. Compassionate understanding. A feeling of appreciation of development. Feeling at peace with development. Trust in life. Relaxed energy but alert & awake.
    • Reason: There is a calmness and relaxed peace & trust in life. Knowing what is essential... because the natural state in this digital age is to be full of noise.

 

 

Pass #4 - Toxic Values

Not one of them are toxic. (Seems to be a step only for those who are primarily at SD Orange)

 

 

Edited December 27, 2023 by Loving Radiance
Formatting

[Loving Radiance]

Pass #5 - Value Definitions

First I rewrote the definitions according to the guiding questions. Funny how accurate the initial definitions from pass #3 were already. I then merged "Love/Intimacy" and "Beauty/Connection/Joy/Spirituality" because they were too similar.

"Communication/Creativity" is something that I added to the list and I realized that it was already implicitly part of "(internal) Exploration & Curiosity" in pass #1. I first thought of adding "Positivity/Optimism/Hope" or "Community" as the 10th value, but it didn't feel right because it wasn't showing up in the passes before. This list feels coherent now.

 

1. Love/Intimacy/Spirituality/Beauty/Connection/Joy
   • My definition: Being one with reality/divinity (with a human and other being and its vulnerability). Feeling awe, aliveness and expansiveness.
2. Authenticity
   • My definition: Feeling grounded in my core essence and truth. Moving from the core; expressing my truth.
3. Clarity/Truth/Consciousness/Awareness/Feeling/Understanding/Honesty
   • My definition: Living at a state of truth which illuminates, makes me feel and be conscious of any true form. Dispelling illusion.
4. Contribution/Impact/Helping Others/Society/Wholeness/Nature
   • My definition: Using my gift to help and elevate all of life to healthy and the highest possible form of living.
5. Health
   • My definition: Self-care and maintenance of the body and mind with nutrition, exercise, intentional habits (physical, emotional, mental hygiene) and inner work.
6. Self-Mastery
   • My definition: Being fully conscious of inner processes. Cleaning, Growing and Waking up. Kindling the inner flame and being a conscious creator.
7. Friendship/Companionship/Community
   • My definition: Support, trust, energy exchange and mirroring. Unknown, mysterious depths of the other psyches make me recognize myself.
8. Open-mindedness/Perspective/Exploration
   • My definition: Discovering and seeing reality from all different angles. Unattachment and fluidity of mind allow recognition where energy flows and is stuck. ["... and stagnates." is also quite good, maybe change this in the future]
9. Wisdom/Simplicity
   • My definition: Seeing the core of a thing. Root-cause thinking. Ripple effect. Trust in life. Alert & relaxed. Focus on energy flow.
10. Communication/Creativity
    • My definition: Recognition and understanding through feeling images which capture the essence of any form and state of being.

Edited January 8, 2024 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

Pass #6 - Congruence Ratings

1. Love/Intimacy/Spirituality/Beauty/Connection/Joy
   • My definition: Being one with reality/divinity (with a human and other being and its vulnerability). Feeling awe, aliveness and expansiveness.
   • Congruence rating: 3/10
2. Authenticity
   • My definition: Feeling grounded in my core essence and truth. Moving from the core; expressing my truth.
   • Congruence rating: 6/10
3. Clarity/Truth/Consciousness/Awareness/Feeling/Understanding/Honesty
   • My definition: Living at a state of truth which illuminates, makes me feel and be conscious of any true form. Dispelling illusion.
   • Congruence rating: 5/10
4. Contribution/Impact/Helping Others/Society/Wholeness/Nature
   • My definition: Using my gift to help and elevate all of life to healthy and the highest possible form of living.
   • Congruence rating: 2/10
5. Health
   • My definition: Self-care and maintenance of the body and mind with nutrition, exercise, intentional habits (physical, emotional, mental hygiene) and inner work.
   • Congruence rating: 5/10
6. Self-Mastery
   • My definition: Being fully conscious of inner processes. Cleaning, Growing and Waking up. Kindling the inner flame and being a conscious creator.
   • Congruence rating: 5/10
7. Friendship/Companionship/Community
   • My definition: Support, trust, energy exchange and mirroring. Unknown, mysterious depths of the other psyches make me recognize myself.
   • Congruence rating: 4/10
8. Open-mindedness/Perspective/Exploration
   • My definition: Discovering and seeing reality from all different angles. Unattachment and fluidity of mind allow recognition where energy flows and stagnates.
   • Congruence rating: 4/10
9. Wisdom/Simplicity
   • My definition: Seeing the core of a thing. Root-cause thinking. Ripple effect. Trust in life. Alert & relaxed. Focus on energy flow.
   • Congruence rating: 4/10
10. Communication/Creativity
    • My definition: Sparking recognition and understanding via feeling images which capture the essence of any form and state of being.
    •  Congruence rating: 4/10

 

 

Pass #7: 10/10

During the writing process I noticed that my congruence ratings changed. And my last value Communication/Creativity isn't resonating. What I learn from that is that I need to feel into what I value at a high level or meta level and not just the content of something. Although communicating & sparking insight and bringing something across using the feeling images is something that I feel is meaningful to me (it's more connected to Contribution, Clarity, and Wisdom), it's not something I see as a value. There are values behind this skill but not the true resonant values which are deeply embedded in me. Perhaps the definition is too limited, but I'll investigate this soon and maybe swap out my 10th value.

1. Love/Intimacy/Spirituality/Beauty/Connection/Joy
   • My definition: Being one with reality/divinity (with a human and other being and its vulnerability). Feeling awe, aliveness and expansiveness.
   • Congruence rating: 4/10
   • 10/10: What is missing is a sense of deep presence and tranquility. A deep embodiment of feeling/letting through the love of/in my essence at all times. That embodiment illuminates identification & resistance to inner conflict. Seeing the world as myself, being universal consciousness. This is realized to be my inherent nature by daily prayer and meditation.
2. Authenticity
   • My definition: Feeling grounded in my core essence and truth. Moving from the core; expressing my truth.
   • Congruence rating: 6/10
   • 10/10: Continuously letting my inherent joy of living flow through me, come out of me and express itself through my being. Being undisturbed by fear because I see through it. Being grounded in self-love and all-accepting, judgment-free presence. Creating from my inner knowing anything I desire. Being internally sensitive and perceptive via meditation, and activating my will including the need to sometimes step outside my comfort zone
3. Clarity/Truth/Consciousness/Awareness/Feeling/Understanding/ Honesty
   • My definition: Living at a state of consciousness/truth which illuminates, makes me feel and be conscious of any true form. Dispelling illusion.
   • Congruence rating: 4/10
   • 10/10: Undisturbed, free-flowing cognitive ability. Cleaned-up and aligned psyche which requires deep meditative presence, observation, and lack of bias, which is achieved by doing introspection like process work. Compassionate understanding. At will thinking and operating at a high vibrational cognitive state which requires daily training through contemplative journaling. 
4. Contribution/Impact/Helping Others/Society/Wholeness/Nature
   • My definition: Using my gift to help and elevate all of life to healthy and the highest possible form of living.
   • Congruence rating: 2/10
   • 10/10: Searching for ways to access my transformation & empowerment and transmitting/teaching these ways of being and doing to others. Helping people empower themselves through bodywork, process work (mental), and energy work. Being engaged in a high-conscious team in an educational organization which is the leverage point for global transformation. Seeing the transformation happen before my eyes in person; statistics are secondary.
5. Health
   • My definition: Self-care and maintenance of the body and mind with nutrition, exercise, intentional habits (physical, emotional, mental hygiene) and inner work.
   • Congruence rating: 5/10
   • 10/10: Starting each day with intentional self-care habits like meditation, body activation exercises, inner nurturing and visioning. Being so grounded and psychologically aligned on doing good for myself that attachment to old unhealthy ways of being are melting away. Having steady & continuous body awareness and introspective presence (solution for noticing bodily intelligence when and how to regulate and be in healthy homeostasis) through body-based meditation, process work, body work (body-based process work, and personal stamina & strength training) and energy work. 
6. Self-Mastery
   • My definition: Being fully conscious of inner processes. Cleaning, Growing and Waking up. Kindling the inner flame and being a conscious creator.
   • Congruence rating: 5/10
   • 10/10: Continuous and steady presence & equanimity through meditation. Compassionate and non-judgemental understanding through meditation, journaling and process work. Living with conscious people and growing together through lifelong learning and exploration and mastery (resistance-less moving of energies). Stepping into challenge and the grow zone in social, physical, emotional, cognitive and energetic domains. Being engaged in creation without resistance by aligning the psyche through process work.
7. Friendship/Companionship/Community
   • My definition: Support, trust, energy exchange and mirroring. Unknown, mysterious depths of the other psyches make me recognize myself.
   • Congruence rating: 5/10
   • 10/10: Having up to 20 friends and 5 close friends by openly connecting to resonant people and maintaining present friendships. Feeling deep connection to friends, creating space for intimate recognition, and being in that intimate nature of connection in social situations by opening my heart, going into flow and exploring & feeling the other being. Living in an intentional community by having ways of income and seeking or founding resonant communities. Having healed my SD purple trauma of being the outsider in groups through process work. Having healed from avoidant attachment into secure attachment through process work. 
8. Open-mindedness/Perspective/Exploration
   • My definition: Discovering and seeing reality from all different angles. Unattachment and fluidity of mind allow recognition where energy flows and stagnates.
   • Congruence rating: 4/10
   • 10/10: High-vibrational cognition accessible at all times by practicing deep contemplation and exploration of perspectives in journaling daily, and through meditation and aligning the psyche (process work). Putting myself in the other's shoes. Attaching and letting go of any thoughts, beliefs and theories through daily meditation and journaling. Being in presence which allows tapping into intuition, opening up the subtle sensors and introspecting what energy there is and where it flows.
9. Wisdom/Simplicity
   • My definition: Seeing the core of a thing. Root-cause thinking. Ripple effect. Trust in life. Alert & relaxed. Focus on energy flow.
   • Congruence rating: 3/10
   • 10/10: Deeply grounded and observant presence & alertness that recognizes & filters the energy, which is developed through daily meditation, and journaling & reflection on inner dynamics, processes and development, and also personal sharings with friends and close ones. A detached introspective focus on the essence of my being (love, presence, peace, joy) to be able to notice the energy flow arising the root/core/essence, which changes and moves with each moment and while being in connection with higher guidance. To live in that state I need a continuous connection to intuition & inner knowing and way of life of expressing/manifesting them, through daily introspection and consciously creating situations of my authenticity where I am stepping into tension, like ice bathing or going over my boundaries for a bit longer.
10. Communication/Creativity
    • My definition: Sparking recognition and understanding via feeling images which capture the essence of any form and state of being.
    • Congruence rating: 4/10
    • 10/10: Continuously living in that feeling state and capturing & expressing it on a daily basis through journaling and conversation. Deliberately bringing it into my way of communication with myself and others. It's developing a way of being in internal clarity and seeing how the inner feeling landscape is moving and shifting. Continuous internal understanding and knowledge. However now that I think of it, I notice that it doesn't really resonate. It's too limited, not really like a passion, but more like a side-hobby.

[Loving Radiance]

Update

Living here at the community (they have a focus on creating a new earth through awakening on all levels) makes me be distracted most of the time. I took on their commitment to their shadow work processes & inner growth, and right now my processes take up most of my resources. They bring up strong emotions which are hard to handle and it's intense how my psyche is rewiring itself on a daily basis. Deep unconscious forces pull my attention away or distract with all kinds of emotions, using every technique to keep the system in homeostasis, even if that homeostasis means that in the long-term energy is being lost and that I am not able to create what I desire most deeply in the world. The strong negative emotions require me to need more time to settle myself and be clear-headed when sitting down for the LP course steps. Yeah, doing introspection, shadow work and recreating how my psyche and nervous system are built is bringing up lots of ego backlash and emotional rollercoasters... Deep inside I feel that I need to take on responsibility for myself and create more time & space for the LP course. Just for some time I need to make the LP course my 1st priority and the processes 2nd. I deeply desire the focus that comes with discovering myself and creating my vision.

Edited February 3, 2024 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

Pass #7: 10/10 ~ continuation

I looked through other lists of values on the internet and I discovered my 10th value! It's Grace! It is something I missed because it is very similar to Love.

Funny, now I see where my avatar name is coming from  

 

    10. Grace/Compassion/Empathy

• My definition: Recognizing the divinity & innocence of a being (in front of me), and being loving, merciful and kind grace & presence.
• Congruence rating: 4/10
• 10/10: Deep embodiment of Self-love in daily life through prayer and daily bathing in presence & love. Self-forgiveness (seeing my innocence) & grace by channeling infinite love in my diary, practicing self-compassion, and letting go of myself. Having an open heart by consciously letting go of protective layers & parts and going into authentic and warm contact with the world. Feeling & understanding of the other's world by seeing where a person is and being in their shoes, including their pain, emotions and psyche's dynamics.

Edited February 7, 2024 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

On 2.2.2024 at 11:27 PM, Loving Radiance said:

Update

Living here at the community (they have a focus on creating a new earth through awakening on all levels) makes me be distracted most of the time. I took on their commitment to their shadow work processes & inner growth, and right now my processes take up most of my resources. They bring up strong emotions which are hard to handle and it's intense how my psyche is rewiring itself on a daily basis. Deep unconscious forces pull my attention away or distract with all kinds of emotions, using every technique to keep the system in homeostasis, even if that homeostasis means that in the long-term energy is being lost and that I am not able to create what I desire most deeply in the world. The strong negative emotions require me to need more time to settle myself and be clear-headed when sitting down for the LP course steps. Yeah, doing introspection, shadow work and recreating how my psyche and nervous system are built is bringing up lots of ego backlash and emotional rollercoasters... Deep inside I feel that I need to take on responsibility for myself and create more time & space for the LP course. Just for some time I need to make the LP course my 1st priority and the processes 2nd. I deeply desire the focus that comes with discovering myself and creating my vision.

Again, I am finding myself at this point. Protector parts in me made me procrastinate by using community work and being part of it as a means to avoid looking deep within myself with the LP steps. And I understand it, it is an arduous task to compare my values (I am currently at 11/45 of comparing each to every other value) and it requires energy to be so focused and continuously internally observant. It's no flashy, high-dopamine activity. Even listening to music or doing meditation is more engaging. Hell, even being emotionally wound-up in processes and shadow work is more engaging even if it's uncomfortable to feel all these emotions.

I am responsible for myself to take aside at least 2h each day to focus on the LP course. I am responsible for myself to focus on what is essential and most important in the community work and then delegate the rest.

[Loving Radiance]

Pass #8: Prioritizing Values

Has been a while since updating this thread. I finally finished this pass. Over the last months I wasn't too focused on it, but it was always something that I did when I was regulated emotionally and had the time for it. Small steps, steady pace.

During the visualization of the values I noticed that some 10/10 and definitions where too vague, so I corrected that for some values. I felt not being able to memorize or remember every aspect of the values and being too slow in reading all these things in order to conjure up the visions/feelings of that value, so I created descriptions of how it feels to be in that 10/10 embodiment state in "[ ]".

Negative motivation was arising here big time: I tried out many things to come to clarity about which value is more fulfilling to me. It was at times helpful to do a voice dialogue (also known as "aspecting") combined with constellation between the 10/10 embodied values. It became apparent to me that I had more difficulties with certain values as opposed to others. I noticed bias for or against values because protector parts where limiting the choice because of negative motivation arising from trauma or feelings of lack. I had to get creative in getting a clear choice while not directly going into process work and investing lots of time to feel through all the layers of the psyche in order to arrive at a place of healing and wholeness.

This is what I wrote down as instruction for noticing negative motivation: 

• notice arising biases and emotional attachments in you
  • arising pressures like limiting beliefs and core wounds want to coerce you to choose one value over another in order to not threaten the identity and let it be unchanged
  • coercion happens because of arising feelings of lack, fear, anger, resentment, shame, guilt, avoidance of "negative" emotions, disgust, unworthiness,... that activates a pattern which you automatically react to in predictable ways... these are negative motivations

Here are some strategies I found to be helpful when dealing with values which the protective parts of the psyche wanted to be biased for or against:

1. Switch as often as needed between envisioning/feeling the 10/10 embodiment of "value A" and "value B". Switching makes the exact feeling and attachment apparent and opens up a small opening for you to notice the true preference what value is more important
2. imagine feeling free of that bias
3. imagine daily life with both options
4. sleep it over

After being finished I noticed that Love, Health and Friendship had the same score of 4 (being more fulfilling than 4 other values). I couldn't let them be at the same level, so I looked up what value was more fulfilling than the other, thus I came to that prioritization. I think if they would have triumphed over a value and lost to another (thus all being at the same level), I would have just continued to the next pass, hoping that the negative motivation release would solve this.

 

Here is my prioritized list with negative motivation still in it:

1. Authenticity
   • My definition: Feeling grounded in my core essence and truth. Moving from the core; expressing my truth.
   • Congruence rating: 7/10
   • 10/10: Continuously letting my inherent joy of living flow through me, come out of me and express itself through my being. Being grounded in self-love and all-accepting, judgment-free presence. Creating anything I desire from my inner knowing. Being internally sensitive and perceptive via meditation and continuous shadow work mindfulness. Activating my will for rock solid focus despite resistance & challenge and being fear free because I see through fear.
   • [Heart-centered. Sensing the flowing flames of my inner fire and what the fire wants to create. Creating from my inner fire. Willpower. Fearlessness.]
2. Self-Mastery
   • My definition: Being fully conscious of inner processes. Growing up (SD), Waking up (separation to unity), Cleaning up (shadow work) and Showing up (embodying). Kindling the inner fire and being a conscious creator.
   • Congruence rating: 5/10
   • 10/10: Continuous and steady presence & equanimity through meditation & shadow work. Compassionate and non-judgemental understanding through meditation, journaling and shadow work. Living with conscious people and growing together through lifelong learning, mastery (resistance-less moving of energies), and exploration. Stepping into challenge and the grow zone in social, physical, emotional, cognitive and energetic domains. Being engaged in the process of creating what is desired by aligning emotions and the psyche (e.g. trauma work) through emotional mastery and shadow work.
   • [Making the fire bigger & more radiant.]
3. Wisdom/Simplicity
   • My definition: Seeing the core of a thing. Root-cause thinking. Ripple effect. Focus on energy flow. Trust in life. Alert & relaxed.
   • Congruence rating: 4/10
   • 10/10: Deeply grounded and observant presence & alertness that recognizes & filters the energy (according to the definition), which is developed through daily meditation, cleaning up with journaling & reflection & embodied processing of inner dynamics & processes & development (leading to bias- and attachment-free perception), and also personal sharings with friends and close ones. A detached introspective focus on the essence of my being (love, presence, peace, joy), to be able to notice the dynamic energy flow arising from my root/core/essence, while being in connection with higher guidance. To live in that state, I need a continuous connection to intuition & inner knowing and way of life in which I express/manifest them, through daily introspection and consciously creating situations of my authenticity where I am going into tension, like ice bathing or stepping over my boundaries for a bit longer.
   • [Grounded in the core. Perceiving what energy wants to emerge and being in service to that.]
4. Contribution/Impact/Helping Others/Society/Wholeness/Nature
   • My definition: Helping and elevating all of life their healthiest and highest possible form of living.
   • Congruence rating: 2/10
   • 10/10: Searching for ways to access my transformation & empowerment and transmitting/teaching these ways of being and doing to others (including the principles of regeneration & sustainability). Helping people empower themselves through bodywork, shadow work (mental), and energy work. Being engaged in a high-conscious team in an educational organization which is the leverage point for global transformation. Seeing the transformation happen before my eyes in person; statistics are secondary.
   • [Showing others how to discover and kindle the inner fire.]
5. Friendship/Companionship/Community
   • My definition: Support, trust, energy exchange and mirroring. Unknown, mysterious depths of the other psyches make me recognize myself.
   • Congruence rating: 5/10
   • 10/10: Having up to 20 friends and 5 close friends by connecting openly to resonant people and maintaining present friendships. Feeling deep connection to friends, creating space for intimate recognition, and being in that intimate nature of connection in social situations by opening my heart, going into flow and exploring & feeling the other being. Living in an intentional community by having ways of income and seeking/founding resonant communities. Having healed my SD purple trauma of being the outsider in groups through shadow work & traversing new groups. Having healed from avoidant attachment into secure attachment through shadow work and relationships.
   • [Holding each other up. Confident, strong energy from core in contact with people.]
6. Health
   • My definition: Self-care and maintenance of the body and mind with nutrition, exercise, intentional habits (physical, emotional, mental, energetic) and inner work.
   • Congruence rating: 5/10
   • 10/10: Self-love and devotion to myself. Starting each day with intentional self-care habits like meditation, body activation exercises, inner nurturing and visioning. Being so grounded in and psychologically aligned on doing good for myself that attachment to old unhealthy ways of being are things of the past. Having steady & continuous body awareness and introspective presence (solution for noticing bodily intelligence when and how to regulate and be in healthy homeostasis) through somatic meditation, shadow work, body work (somatic shadow work, and personal stamina & strength training) and energy work.
   • [Caring and feeding the fire. Cultivating the inner parent.]
7. Love/Intimacy/Spirituality/Beauty/Connection/Joy
   • My definition: Being one with reality/divinity (e.g. with a human or other being and its vulnerability). Feeling awe, aliveness and expansiveness.
   • Congruence rating: 4/10
   • 10/10: Sense of deep presence and tranquility. A deep embodiment of feeling/letting through the love of/in my essence at all times. That embodiment illuminates identification & resistance to inner conflict. Seeing the world as myself, being universal consciousness. This is realized to be my inherent nature through daily prayer and meditation.
   • [Heart: radiating sun. Air: spiritual dimension.]
8. Grace/Compassion/Empathy
   • My definition: Recognizing the divinity & innocence of a being (in front of me), and being loving, merciful, and kind grace & presence.
   • Congruence rating: 6/10
   • 10/10: Deep embodiment of Self-love in daily life through prayer, self-care (proper self-care is optimal for Grace state of consciousness), and daily bathing in presence & love. Self-forgiveness (seeing my innocence) & grace by channeling infinite love in my diary, practicing self-compassion, and letting go of myself. Having an open heart by consciously letting go of protective layers & parts and going into authentic & warm contact with the world. Feeling & understanding the other's world by seeing where a person is and being in their shoes, including their pain, emotions and psyche's dynamics.
   • [Heart. Air. Spiritual cleaning of the fire by compassionately understanding the shadow aspects in own fire and those of others. The fluid, shape-shifting dance of our fires reveals new aspects in myself.]
9. Clarity/Truth/Consciousness/Awareness/Feeling/Understanding
   • My definition: Living at a state of consciousness/truth which illuminates and makes me feel and be conscious of any true form. Dispelling illusion.
   • Congruence rating: 5/10
   • 10/10: Undisturbed, free-flowing cognitive ability. Cleaned-up and aligned psyche which requires deep meditative presence, observation, and lack of bias, which is achieved by doing introspection like in shadow work. Compassionate understanding. High-vibrational cognition accessible at all times by meditating, doing shadow work (aligning the psyche), and journaling daily with focus on practicing deep contemplation & exploring perspectives.
   • [mental, air]
10. Open-mindedness/Perspective/Exploration/Reflection
    • My definition: Discovering and seeing reality from all different angles. Unattachment and fluidity of mind allow recognition where energy flows and stagnates.
    • Congruence rating: 4/10
    • 10/10: Putting myself in the other's shoes. Attaching and letting go of any perspectives, thoughts, biases, beliefs and theories through daily meditation, journaling and shadow work. Being in a state of presence which allows tapping into intuition, opening up the subtle sensors and introspecting what is new to discover, and sensing what energy there is and where it flows. 
    • [Cognitive Fluidity.]

 

 

Here is how I compared all the values to each other:

Checklist     "-" = less fulfilling     "#" = more fulfilling

Love compared to the values -#----### 4
    1. Authenticity is more fulfilling than Love #
    2. Clarity is less fulfilling than Love -
    3. Contribution #

• Strongly feels like negative value because I feel I am selfish and unworthy of living when I do little to contribute and give back. Judgement of 100% Love and 10% Contribution to be selfish. 100% C. and 10% Love feels empty and motivated from unworthiness.
• it may change the priority/ranking once I release the attachment

    4. Health #

• 100% Love with 10% Health feels empty, like a shell - feeling like there's self-judgement & limiting belief, "I cannot be truly Love without caring for body & mind. I first have to be X to feel worthy of Love."
• 100% Health with 10% Love feels more fulfilling

    5. Self-Mastery #

• Self-Mastery is more practical. Negative motivation for Self-Mastery as I must have first fully mastered myself to be Love.
• I desire to be in my power more than being in Love
• I desire to be one aligned energy that manifest the highest in the world. Love with a bit of aligned energy seems too useless and not attractive to my inner coach part. Perhaps my negative motivation for bias towards this value lies in my coach.

    6. Friendship #

• Negative attachment towards Friendship because Love with only some social net feels empty.
• Love with less friendship feels like the old, anxiety-plagued outsider-me, which I judge and reject. Friendship with less love is like a journey I am more fulfilled to walk on, perhaps also because I always had the outsider-group trauma.

    7. Open-mindedness -
    8. Wisdom -
    9. Grace -

Authenticity (#)######## 9
    10. Clarity -

• Clarity with little Authenticity feels empty, I had this in the past and I reject that phase of me - negative motivation
• I imagine that I would be less happy and less fulfilled with Clarity and more embodied with Authenticity.
• Creating from Authenticity feels more me. I am here to create and not to just see everything crystal-clearly.

    11. Contribution -

• It feels empty to do Contribution with little Authenticity. Authenticity with little Contribution feels more fulfilling, but still not what I want.

    12. Health -

• Little Health with lots of Authenticity feels better. Health serves Authenticity.

    13. Self-Mastery -
    14. Friendship -
    15. Open-mindedness -
    16. Wisdom -
    17. Grace -

• desires it more to express my essence than being in the state of grace

 

Clarity (--)-#--#-- 2
    18. Contribution #

• I notice negative motivation towards Clarity/Truth over Contribution because there is fear that I can become epistemically rotten, corrupt and blind to reality. I notice that I couldn't deal with the Truth when I would have little Contribution. If I would embody Truth with little Contribution, I feel that I would qualitatively contribute little high-conscious things, and if it would be the other way around I would contribute a lot of moderate-conscious things. I prefer moderate because the world needs my level of consciousness and intelligence because the world is working with low-conscious things and needs to evolve and upgrade to higher consciousness, which would be moderate-consciousness.  In the future when the world is comfortably at moderate consciousness, it then would change. I'd place Clarity/Truth over Contribution because then it would mean that my level is not needed anymore. I could contribute more by developing higher consciousness relative to the median of people. But, I now see that Clarity is in service to Contribution. Clarity has the purpose of Contribution. So, Contribution is truly more fulfilling than Clarity.

    19. Health -

• I notice that my psyche tends to value Clarity over Health, and that this made me be hollow, corrupt and not of integrity. It felt like missing holes in my pyramid of needs, like having a toxic neglecting relationship towards myself. I feel resentment in myself for having neglected myself for so long. And what would be I don't have that attachment of balancing out that uneven, disharmonic relationship and putting Health above Clarity? It feels like a natural part of life to first care for Health and then build Clarity on top of that. But I still feel some attachment... So, how would it feel like if there's not the attachment to Clarity as a way to feel in control by escaping, avoiding and dissociating? It feels like a chore to do Health. I notice that even if fully embodied Health, I would favor Clarity more. And now I see that parts which felt neglected and resentful for that, were triggered by imagining embodied Clarity with little Health.

    20. Self-Mastery #

• Even though Self-Mastery is emotionally more difficult to embody, and I feel resistance to it because of emotional self-protection in this moment, I feel that it would be more fulfilling to embody it 100% with little Clarity. My protective parts prefer Clarity over Self-Mastery because they used Clarity as a way to escape. There is negative motivation towards Clarity.

    21. Friendship #
    22. Open-mindedness -
    23. Wisdom #

• Wisdom fulfills me more because it is aligned with life.

    24. Grace #

Contribution (#-#)#-##-- 5
    25. Health -
    26. Self-Mastery #

• Contribution with little Self-Mastery feels empty. It's more fulfilling to be radiant and on fire than transmitting that fire to others. Contribution will follow automatically from 10/10 Self-Mastery. The state of radiance is what fulfills me most.

    27. Friendship -
    28. Open-mindedness -
    29. Wisdom #

• Feels like I am truer to myself with lots of Wisdom and less Health.

    30. Grace #

Health (#---)-##-# 4
    31. Self-Mastery #

• I recognize Health to be part of Self-Mastery, but in general I am more fulfilled with lots of Self-Mastery and less of Health.

    32. Friendship -

• Even though I feel negative motivation biasing me towards Friendship, I feel that Health allows me to be myself fully. Friendship would provide top feeling of social security and this I feel is less me than me having lots of Health and having less of Friendship.

    33. Open-mindedness -

• The pull is stronger to Health than Open-mindedness. The energy is stronger when I cultivate that inner fire and stream, rather than sensing and tuning in other energies. I feel Health has more potency and power to it because of the internal focus.

    34. Wisdom #

• Even though I feel that Health is more important to me right now because I am in a trauma activated and neediness state of consciousness, I feel that there is a faint pull of the higher self towards Wisdom. When I imagine my trauma energies to be dealt with and me being satisfied, although there is still the bodily trauma-sensations accompanying it, I notice that Wisdom leads me to why I am here on this earth.

    35. Grace -

• I feel better with lots of Health than lots of Grace. This may also be influenced by negative motivation because the inner critic approves of me embodying Health first.
• feeling less attached to negative motivation to Health, I feel that I enjoy and am feeling more content with myself when embodying lots of Health and less of Grace.

 

Self-Mastery (#-###)#### 8
    36. Friendship -

• I feel more on fire and fulfilled by living my purpose and being on the path of my heart's desire with lots of Self-Mastery.

    37. Open-mindedness -

• Even though Open-mindedness is important for me, I feel more embodied, closer to my essence and fulfilled with Self-Mastery. Open-mindedness is something I value deeply and is something very dear to my heart. And it is of prime importance for me to be in service to letting my heart radiate and letting my essence be brought forth and shine.

    38. Wisdom -

• Wisdom is important to me. I feel that Self-Mastery, although negatively motivated, fulfills me more.

    39. Grace -

• Grace is very important for me. Self-Mastery is more important to me and feels to be more fulfilling. Though it also feels negatively motivated because of the strong inner critic who initially pushed me on this path.

 

Friendship (#-#---)#-# 4
    40. Open-mindedness -
    41. Wisdom #

• Even though I feel an attachment to Friendship (black hole of 10/10 is never enough), I feel a knowing that Wisdom is closer to my heart. I am in service to the life that wants to move through me and I feel a dedication to life deeper than the intimacy of Friendship, although 10/10 Friendship is pretty darn good.

    42. Grace -

• I notice that I have bias towards Friendship because it feels empty to embody Grace with little Friendship. It would feel not of integrity. Negative motivation feels to be at play here biasing me to side with Friendship, because of Friendship/Tribe SD Purple trauma.

 

Open-mindedness (-------)-- 0
    43. Wisdom #

• Wisdom is closer to my heart.

    44. Grace #

Wisdom (--###-##)# 6
    45. Grace -

• I feel a bias towards more Wisdom with little Grace because I feel I would do more contribution to the world. This might change once I have release the negative motivation.

 

Grace (--##---#-) 3

Edited October 13, 2024 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

Update

I am still part of the community which has shadow & light work as a high priority. I feel that I found likeminded people who I will be with for long time. The original community split apart due to value misalignment between two of the leading people. Cult dynamics are of course central to that whole story. It taught me to question people who I judge to be highly conscious and have come far in their development. Cult dynamics engulf even highly conscious people. The solution of that is constant reflection and mirroring of all people, no matter if they are in a leading position or not. We all have intelligence in us, which of course is clouded by all the unexamined stuff in the shadows, but which has a kernel of truth in it. I saw the cult dynamics in the people who lead the community for long time and partly addressed it with people. Most excused it by gaslighting me about my triggered state (which was true at that time) and thus were able to excuse it and dismiss the original criticism. I found out later on that some of the leading people some saw the cult dynamic happening where one highly conscious, and paradoxically narcissistic person manipulated the structure and direction of the community in order for all other people to do the dirty work and the highly conscious person being isolated from that, "in order to do the more important work of consciousness studies". It too happened at "Go and Change" community in Germany where he was before. I remember from Leo's cult videos, that people leaving a cult either create a cult, find another cult or heal from the psychological and physical abuse of the cult. One after another people left the small community because of the overly serious lifestyle and constant work. This cult dynamic was not exploiting people for sex or money but work. Overwork was common, and the following signs of burnout were excused away by "being not awake enough", "not being cleaned up in the shadow" and "being in victim" (victim blaming and anti-victim bias).

Much growth happened in that community for me. Of course, cult dynamics in groups are tolerated because of the benefits the whole group structure brings. It brought me to a truer perception of myself and others. I feel that the path is me doing the development, actualization and transcendence and transmitting this quality & state of consciousness to others via state change in workshops & seminars with breathwork, mindfulness exercises, dance, singing, energy work, shadow work, yogic exercises... I want to show people that different states of consciousness are possible other than the normal day-to-day trance. Walking through the city I notice the collective trance most people are in and them accepting the structure of society (e.g. wage slavery) which does not serve them and the unfulfilled blank space of what they could get out of life. It doesn't require all people leaving jobs. It only needs a clarification of the true inner values and what your heart calls you towards.

I am on the path of cleaning up and showing up. I feel guided by my heart and feel that I as Life will provide.

[Loving Radiance]

Pass #9: Positive vs. Negative Values

Before I started, I searched this forum if other people have done it. I read a thread of a guy who rushed through the passes, and I noticed that some of his reasons felt negatively motivated although he gave his values 100% positive rating. So, I noticed this same tendency in myself and chose to be radically honest, truly introspect, check myself and go through this for as long as it had to be.

Trauma and the inner critic (who acts on unfulfilled shadow needs) influenced me a lot just by going through the questions alone even when I thought to be positively influenced. I am glad I did write down the negative motivations in pass #8 whenever I noticed them coming up for me in that pass. This helped a lot for determining the ratios. I suggest others to do that too. Additionally, it helped me to envision and feel the pull towards this value. It then made it clear to me if I'm pulled towards the value by positive motivation or pushed towards it  by negative motivation.

Lots of high negative motivation.

 

1. Authenticity

• "Why do I want this value?" Write the reasons down. Do you genuinely want it or do you do it because of pain & fear?"
  • I want this because I deeply desire the feeling of aliveness that comes when I am grounded in myself and express from that self-secure state of being. I feel powerful and self-loving. I am connected to the world because I am connected to myself. There is a great fear of and a deep desire for being great.
  • I am here to create from Authenticity. To express what I am.
  • Yes I also want it because I feel disconnected from life when I am not living it.
  • Pass #8: I noticed that values with little Authenticity felt empty and devoid of life. There is an avoidance of this emptiness/corruption because there is the inner critic who judges me for being less in Authenticity, less embodiment. Rejection of the parts in me which I was mainly giving energy towards like Clarity or Open-mindedness rather than Authenticity.

• "How much do I pursue this value because it will give me genuine, sustainable pleasure & happiness?" 60%
• "How much do I pursue this value because, if I don't, it will give me pain & suffering?" 40% because of the judgmental inner critic
• positive/negative ratio: 60/40

2. Self-Mastery

• "Why do I want this value?" Write the reasons down. Do you genuinely want it or do you do it because of pain & fear?"
  • I want to experience more of life and see what life would look like if I am living at the highest level possible, having actualized my highest potential. Radiating at the highest level.
            - Inner critic part (or toxic inner coach) pushes me to become lovable by becoming better. Judgement towards the old me that was intellectually masturbating, more cerebral and cognitive in order to avoid doing the basic self-development work.

• "How much do I pursue this value because it will give me genuine, sustainable pleasure & happiness?" 40%
• "How much do I pursue this value because, if I don't, it will give me pain & suffering?"
  • inner critic pushed me on the self-development path
  • avoidance of inner critic's judgement by becoming better
  • inner critic will never be satisfied with anything other than perfection, there will always be a bit of dust on the floor
  • 60%
  inner critic who judges me for not being Self-Mastery and thus not in Contribution
• positive/negative ratio: 40/60

3. Wisdom/Simplicity

• "Why do I want this value?" Write the reasons down. Do you genuinely want it or do you do it because of pain & fear?"
  • I feel true to myself, heart-aligned
  • I am in service to the life that wants to move through me and I feel a dedication to life
  • inner critic bias towards values that lead me to embodiment instead of a life of disconnected intellectual bypassing like in the past
  • inner critic pushing me to embody Contribution and thus prefer Wisdom over "impractical" values (which don't add my contribution to the world) which I used to distract, dissociate and avoid life
  • I would avoid feeling lost and not understanding the world
• How much do I pursue this value because it will give me genuine, sustainable pleasure & happiness?" 50%
• "How much do I pursue this value because, if I don't, it will give me pain & suffering?" 50% because I would be neglecting needs and thus suffer like in the past. It's an obligation to do it.
• positive/negative ratio: 50/50

4. Contribution/Impact/Helping Others/Society/Wholeness/Nature

• "Why do I want this value?" Write the reasons down. Do you genuinely want it or do you do it because of pain & fear?"
  • There is a desire to bring more consciousness into the world so that we recognize who and where we are. There is a love in recognizing one's place and giving oneself to life. I want people to recognize the gift of life and the inherent creative and spiritual power of that life.
  • Pass #8: Limiting belief that without Contribution I am of no value to the world. Unworthiness unless I give to the world. Belief of "I am only worthy of love when I embody Contribution".
• "How much do I pursue this value because it will give me genuine, sustainable pleasure & happiness?" 20%
• "How much do I pursue this value because, if I don't, it will give me pain & suffering?" 80% - the pain & suffering would devastate me
• positive/negative ratio: 20/80

5. Friendship/Companionship/Community

• "Why do I want this value?" Write the reasons down. Do you genuinely want it or do you do it because of pain & fear?"
  • I love the way of life with people surrounding me where we connect and see each other as how we are.
  • I would avoid isolation because I spend my all the years from high school till university without friends or anyone to talk to and open up emotionally. I also avoid being isolated because from university till now I explored this value mostly through separated and controlled interactions with friends. Something vital is missing from my life without friendship and there is deep trauma which keeps reoccurring and influencing my perception of there being a wall to others and me being the outsider.
  • In pass #8 I noticed that perfect 10/10 will never be enough because of the deep lack I experienced especially in teenage years. It's social security. It's judgement and rejection of those parts in me which I associate with the old, anxiety-plagued outsider-me
• "How much do I pursue this value because it will give me genuine, sustainable pleasure & happiness?" 10%
• "How much do I pursue this value because, if I don't, it will give me pain & suffering?" 90%
• positive/negative ratio: 10/90

6. Health

• "Why do I want this value?" Write the reasons down. Do you genuinely want it or do you do it because of pain & fear?"
  • I desire to live on an optimal foundation to build my life on. (pass #8 "Health serves Authenticity")
  • I noticed that sluggish, depressed and internet-addicted life is not a life worth living. I notice that with Health I hope to avoid the depressed, dissociated state of mind in which I was in in the past.
  • Pass #8: Health is closely linked to Self-Mastery where the inner critic operates. Health has a feeling of lack similar to Friendship. I am often in a trauma activated and neediness state with Health because, in order to deal with the Friendship trauma, I had to disconnect from the pain of lacking Friendship which needed me to be disconnected and neglecting of my Health. There is also resentment in myself for having neglected myself for so long. Anything where I don't put Health as highest priority feels like this trauma of neglection and the arising resentment about myself for that.
• "How much do I pursue this value because it will give me genuine, sustainable pleasure & happiness?" 30%
• "How much do I pursue this value because, if I don't, it will give me pain & suffering?" 70%
• positive/negative ratio: 30/70

7. Love/Intimacy/Spirituality/Beauty/Connection/Joy

• "Why do I want this value?" Write the reasons down. Do you genuinely want it or do you do it because of pain & fear?
  • I desire Love because of the peace and feeling safe & cared for. I enjoy the expansive state.
  • Low self-esteem and harsh inner critic. Wanting to be shielded from that harsh inner dialogue
• "How much do I pursue this value because it will give me genuine, sustainable pleasure & happiness?" 70%
• "How much do I pursue this value because, if I don't, it will give me pain & suffering?" 30%
• positive/negative ratio: 70/30

8. Grace/Compassion/Empathy

• "Why do I want this value?" Write the reasons down. Do you genuinely want it or do you do it because of pain & fear?
  • I relish being 10/10 Grace. I love feeling connected to people
  • Fleeing from the harsh inner critic, wanting to be rescued by Grace and seeking shelter in Grace. It alleviates the pain and suffering.
  • Pass #8: Very similar dynamic to Love
• "How much do I pursue this value because it will give me genuine, sustainable pleasure & happiness?" 50%
• "How much do I pursue this value because, if I don't, it will give me pain & suffering?" 50%
• positive/negative ratio: 50/50

9. Clarity/Truth/Consciousness/Awareness/Feeling/Understanding

• "Why do I want this value?" Write the reasons down. Do you genuinely want it or do you do it because of pain & fear?
  • I desire the feeling of Clarity. It gives me a sense of security. There is a sense of feeling powerful which I desire.
  • Avoiding the state of confusion and not being able to make sense of reality. Avoiding feeling unsure and insecure.looking at Friendship trauma and resulting lack in Health.
• "How much do I pursue this value because it will give me genuine, sustainable pleasure & happiness?" 40
• "How much do I pursue this value because, if I don't, it will give me pain & suffering?" 60
• positive/negative ratio: 40/60

10. Open-mindedness/Perspective/Exploration/Reflection

• "Why do I want this value?" Write the reasons down. Do you genuinely want it or do you do it because of pain & fear?
  • I love Exploration of perspectives. There is a sense of love because I can see through somebody's eyes und truly understand them. There is an expansive relief too when I discover small things which I overlooked in myself that I attached to.
  • Same as Clarity, I avoid a sense of confusion & disorientation.
• "How much do I pursue this value because it will give me genuine, sustainable pleasure & happiness?" 60%
• "How much do I pursue this value because, if I don't, it will give me pain & suffering?" 40%
• positive/negative ratio: 60/40

Edited October 15, 2024 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

Pass #10: Negative Themes

It was very useful to use the additional reasons I jotted down of #9 as reference points to connect the dots and discover the themes.

1. Original negative theme: Friendship and thus Health are caused by social trauma
   • Clarity & Open-mindedness to cope with trauma (with mental bypassing leading to non-embodiment)
     • Authenticity, Self-Mastery, Wisdom, Contribution and Health caused by rejection & judgement of the old non-embodied, depressive and purposeless life
2. Self-Mastery, Wisdom, and Contribution are caused as reaction to using Clarity and Open-mindedness to cope with #1 and are also caused by unworthiness in #1 (needing [value] to be worthy of love -> social trauma; being pushed by inner critic)
   • using Love and Grace to cope (seeking safety from inner critic)

Another theme:

• Clarity, Open-mindedness (and Wisdom) are caused by the dissociation coping-lifestyle developed after traumatic magic truffles experiences (April 16th, 2021 - Trip & July 3rd, 2021 - Trip)

Edited October 16, 2024 by Loving Radiance

[Loving Radiance]

Negative Values Release

The NLP visualization was quite useful for the first 2 times. It then became apparent for me that it was too detached, mental, slow and with too much safety precautions in it (of course it has to be that way because the course is designed that even a highly traumatized person could do it). With my intensive shadow work practice I could dive straight into the themes and instantly connect to these parts which are active in these themes (mind you that I trained this ability for a year 24/7 in an intentional community focused on shadow work). It took one evening for me to dip my toe into most of them. it was easy to connect to the parts, visualize the situation and sit with it to let the lesson come into mind.

I notice that mental recognition of the lessons isn't healing or embodiment. It is about integrating these lessons into my life on a daily basis and intentionally caring for and healing the wounded parts. Since then it happened on multiple occasions that my mind recognized a situation where I could apply a lesson and then let this feeling/caring arise. The real work is isn't doing the NLP visualization, it's the fundamental shift in selective focus (RAS) to heal the inner dynamics and to do the healing consistently on a daily basis.

I don't really know how I should proceed from here. Reprioritizing again is something I'd avoid. I could visualize my psyche structure to be healed and then imagine if my values would shift when I inhabit that state of consciousness. It could work. I also sense fear in a protector part in me who wants to avoid this because it was quite arduous already to find a new value and go through every pass. It would mean - besides doing the healing work - building a deeper foundation that would stay for longer because it is more grounded in truth. I sense that this is the right way despite the resistance.  The shallower way would be doing the healing work and just continuing with the list as-is, rationalizing that it will change in a year or so no matter how hard I worked on it in the beginning. This also has some truth. The expression of personal truth shifts over time, so no matter how deep or shallow the foundation is, it shifts in one year regardless. Hm, I better take into account that this course is built for less developed people, so there is a way to shortcut this process again by using my visualization and feeling ability. Well, the solution lies in introspecting... 

 

List of the trauma situations of the themes and their lessons:

Note: Child part and exile part are used interchangeably, I only used them in order to put focus on different characteristics of that part.

1. Original theme: Health caused by repressing anger in response to mom at 2y.o. or younger
   • Lesson, "Express the life energy that is alive in you."
2. Friendship is caused by social trauma when moving into high school (12y.o.) and not seeing resonant people to become friends with and not going for finding them
   • due to:
     • self-abandonement
     • emotional repression
     • dissociative retreat into imagination
     • belief "I am alone and there is nobody there for me. The external world is dangerous and there is only safety in being alone."
   • Lesson, "Be there for yourself (presence with vulnerability), and follow and openly show your desire and need (expression)."
3. I too noticed that there is a much older trauma which reactivated as a 12y.o. I did it again with the intention of going to the point in childhood where I experienced this trauma first. I sense that this energetic protective wall to others was already caused when I moved into elementary school and the kids being too loud for me.
   • Belief: The outside world is too much and overwhelming.
   • Lesson,"Feel yourself, care for your needs and create the environment according to your needs."
4. Clarity & Open-mindedness to cope with trauma (mental bypassing)
   • Child part is neglected from mental bypassing, directing the energy heavily in the upper body and being in the head in order to disconnect and avoid life. Inner child rejected values because they were used to not serve it's life energy and to disconnect from needs which would, if followed and expressed, expose me to an exile part which holds shame, fear of rejection and pain.
   • Lesson, "Use the head to connect to life."
5. Authenticity, Self-Mastery, Wisdom, Contribution and Health caused by rejection & judgement of the old non-embodied, depressive and purposeless life (Clarity & Open-mindedness)
   • Child part was repressed by mental bypassing and thus the child used the inner critic to negatively motivate me the values. Repression was seen as a confirmation that the shame exile has validity.  Expressing the emotions would lead to removal of negative motivation and make the motivation towards the values purely positive from inspiration and desire.
   • Lesson, "Express your emotions that are alive in you."
6. Self-Mastery, Wisdom, and Contribution are caused as reaction to using Clarity and Open-mindedness to cope with both #1 and are also caused by unworthiness (being pushed by inner critic; needing [value] to be worthy of love)
   • Exile part of unworthiness was there when all in my family were older and bigger while I was smallest. Inner critic is used to protect and avoid activation of shameful unworthiness. This exile holds deep love for reality which gets shut down whenever fear arises when wanting to step outside the comfort zone. Doing things because of the love for the world and not out of wanting to be worthy of love.
   • Lesson, "Go outside to follow your desire and embrace everything that arises." "Follow the light when everything seems dark."
7. using Love and Grace to cope (seeking safety from inner critic)
   • On the hand, the values are refuge from harsh inner critic. Inner critic protects unworthiness exile part. On the other hand, there's the belief "I can only be love and grace when I am X or have achieved X." So, by using the inner critic I need to embody Self-Mastery, Contribution and Wisdom to be worthy, but it's never enough because of the never healed wound.
   • Lesson, "Ground your whole being in love and grace."
8. Clarity, Open-mindedness (and Wisdom) are caused by the dissociation coping-lifestyle developed after traumatic mushroom experiences
   • Cognitive disorientation feels unsafe and not held. Ground in something deeper than the cognitive to hold yourself
   • Lesson, "Ground yourself when everything is chaos and turning around you."

 

Edit: During visualizations I became conscious of the black hole void energy that trauma creates. I am grateful to do this healing now in the beginning of my journey. It is clear now why many "successful" people are never fulfilled in their values even if objectively they have the value in their life 100%.

Edited November 25, 2024 by Loving Radiance