Something unusual happened to me

[Applegarden8]

I broke down yesterday. But I didn't break down to anything but silence. I understood just how much it is not even worth striving for anything if you do not spend time building your desire and vision for ir. Then it is pure suffering and grudgery in which you will never satisfy your desire for what you are doing it and always procrastinate it. Also I understood deeper just how much health and sustainable lifestyle matters and without it, you will have nothing but anxiety, anger and more hectic and confused pattern of desiring what everyone else wants. I am willing to invest a year after work or even 5 years after work to spend a little time running few errands, just to get healthy and re-wire how you function. Doesn't matter how much you spend with this, you will get a life of magnificent depth and quality, while it looks mundane. I want to build my capacity to perceive life and understand what instruments I have. Ofc, I do my music on weekends and so on, but my main focus for now is health and depth in my life. Life starts with you. You will break down at the immensity of life. I want to throw all the useless garbage I have been indoctrinated with. I know that there is alternative way to be. It is within my reach. I literally do not want to do anything but to sink in it. I strongly feel this is a turning point in my life. Putting awareness on myself, my mind, my body is the best investment you can make. You can't dream this stuff up, but this what you are. This is also a solution for enduring any criticism for what you authentically want to do and want to be. If you have your I dependant mechanism of intrinsic motivation, all violence aginst you, all gossip, all stupidity is useless. You will truly, consciously desire something and enjoy the process of doing it, achieve it, celebrate it, go full circle and exhaust that desire in this or next lives. This is how it should be. But here you are, guilty about everything, justifying your existence. It may not need be so.

Because I have such a tough situation, people around me wipe the floor with my identity every day. So they made me as I am now, and this is how I will be. I have figured it out. All criticism feels useless now. There is nothing you can really say, at the end of the day. I will do what I want to do and if you don't like it, that's your problem. Anyway, you hate yourself, so time to figure things out. I spent significant amount of time for this and I am ready to continiously spend time every day to develop and implement this. You will see this and you will break down, question of time only.

I want to say that there is no model as to how to live life. You have to see what your most authentic desires are and go for them. Please, do not delay self-exploration though, some of that is needed to have a lasting enjoyment. Your goal here is to build your life externally as to what You authentically desire and untangle and clean yourself internally to come to the point where you see that life is not a problem. Stay healthy. Our society is pretty sick so you will reciveve a good continious rounds of ego backlash. And if you persist you will become a sage.

Also, if you are a lonely dude who is by himself and don't have a gf etc. this is a FANTASTIC time to get healthy, build your vision and gather depth of experience. You don't have to explain anything to anybody. Life is for you to live it. 

Peace. Applegarden.