First Steps

[spicy_pickles]

Here we go....

I was down and out last night and today. To the point I couldn't even bring myself to talk to my significant other. He said, this isn't like you. He's right. 

I called in sick today and feel tremendous guilt over doing so. I love my job and feel so guilty for doing this. All these thoughts are rushing to my head - will I be disciplined?  Will this be detrimental to me?  I know, a little over the edge. 

So I thought to myself, what is the first step in all of this?  The answer became pretty clear to me - boundaries. 

Being a life-long people pleaser meant I had zero to little boundaries. Someone wanted something?  Sure!  Allow me to bend over backwards for you. Don't really feel like doing anything?  No problem, I'll be right there to help. My entire life. This started in grade school. I'd allow "friends" to copy my homework so they would like me. I would go to events I didn't feel like going to. So naturally, when I wake up with a migraine, I feel guilty for not being that person that never ever takes a sick day. 

The reason I am so resentful in my current relationship is due to lack of boundaries. I have set the bar high, showing that I am willing to do ALL the household chores and grocery shopping. I can take care of cooking as well. I can accommodate my partner at the drop of a hat. I never set boundaries because I was too worried that I would be just like his ex wife, nagging him to get things done. I didn't want to be like that, I wanted to be the cool girlfriend. I mean, my grandmother did all the housework, a lot of the other women I grew up did as well...so what's the problem?  

The problem is that boundaries were set. It wasn't a free for all. I have not once set boundaries in this relationship until recently when I loosely did. But then I would fold on them as well. I'd get so mad when my partner didn't do something I asked, so I would do it myself and just be mad. 

Included with that is my inability to communicate when I need to, especially to superiors and in partnerships. I always had hesitation speaking to my bosses at work. I felt stupid for asking a question. I felt dumb asking if I could take the rest of the day off because I wasn't feeling good. I was afraid to ask for time off. Same with my relationships. I never communicated. I still don't to some extent. Let's be honest, the only way barriers can be in place is if good communication happens. 

Well, that's my insight for now. More to follow I'm sure.