How to deal with emotions without spiritually bypassing them

[Carl-Richard]

This is something I've mostly learned on my own but which is also in line with a concept called psychological flexibility.

This actually happened to me today: I had planned to talk to a fellow student who needed help with something school-related. For some reason during the meeting, I felt a bit anxious and uncomfortable, and I felt that it made them feel the same way, and afterwards, I felt a mixture of depression and shame, which didn't seem to easily go away.

The solution I've come up with is to ask myself "what is the lesson here?", write it down and commit to it, and then forgive myself. If you follow these steps properly, the emotions will quickly subside. If they don't, you probably didn't find the appropriate lesson or a lesson that you feel justifies forgiving yourself (or you just don't know how to forgive yourself generally). Anyways, we'll get to that later.

So the method is simple, and if you teach yourself to do it regularly, you'll not only have an effective way of consciously processing your emotions, but you'll also fix the very cause of those emotions, something which spiritual bypassing very often doesn't do ("just let it go", "emotions are just an appearance", "nothing ultimately matters", etc.). I think there are legitimate uses for spiritual bypassing, but it should ideally be reserved for things you absolutely cannot change.

Now, for the lesson in my example, I thought my feelings had to do with some negative thoughts prior to the meeting which I kind of just accepted and didn't challenge ("I'm not as well-rested as I could be, and that will impact the quality of the interaction"). I also thought it had to do with the place we were sitting and feeling like I had to lower my voice, cramming both our PCs on a tiny table and sitting awkwardly. So the lesson then became: 1. to identify negative frames and substitute them with positive frames before future meetings, and 2. try to optimize contextual factors when possible (e.g. "go to a different place where you can talk more freely and sit more comfortably"). Then, after being satisfied with the lesson, you forgive yourself for whatever that made you feel that way ("it's ok, you'll do better next time").

Often, the reason why the emotion persists and why you can't forgive yourself is because you're not attending to the problem that the emotion is trying to address (and your emotions aren't dumb: they're trying to show you something specific that you need to change; that is how they evolved). But if you're able to attend to it appropriately and you feel that this is intuitively true, you're signalling to yourself that the emotion has served its purpose, and then the emotion will most likely subside. This is more obvious for more basic emotions like anger: somebody repeatedly steps on your toe, and then anger arises to assert your need for bodily integrity and you push them out of the way. For more complex emotions, you need to be a bit more subtle when identifying a potential solution, but the mechanism is still the same: problem -> emotion arises -> solution -> emotion subsides. The method I presented above is just a tool for streamlining that process, and sometimes we need help with that, because life is indeed complex, certainly modern life.

 

So to summarize: find the lesson behind the emotion, write it down and commit to it, and forgive yourself for whatever caused you to feel that way.

Edited May 11, 2023 by Carl-Richard

[Sincerity]

Nice post!

Perhaps I'll share my slightly different approach. I find that most often simply consciousness and acceptance do the work. For me (if I'm conscious enough) the mechanism is: problem --> emotion arises --> awareness and acceptance of the emotion --> emotion subsides. While analysis can be useful, I think that in regards to emotions presence in the moment and acceptance are the #1 thing and they dissolve all turmoil beautifully. AND I'd argue that with consciousness, You also learn for the long-term - without the need for "manual" analysis. It's just learning in a different way.

Analysis and finding lessons are still great tho. Clarity about the situation and a commitment to respond differently next time are certainly empowering, relief-bringing and satisfying - especially if You're in love with that wisdom babyy. 

1 hour ago, Carl-Richard said:

I think there are legitimate uses for spiritual bypassing, but it should ideally be reserved for things you absolutely cannot change.

Like? I'm curious what You're thinking of because I'd lean towards saying that all forms of spiritual bypassing are, well... bypassing, running away. While it may have "uses" (depending on what your goals are), it's never facing the truth. And things that one absolutely cannot change can be accepted too.

[Yimpa]

Nice. Flexibility is something I’ve been working on for the past year. I consider it a top value of mine. 

I’ve noticed creativity expanding; instead of seeing everything as a problem that needs to be fixed, I can zoom out so that I’m not stuck seeing a problem in one particular way. 

It becomes less about seeing problems, and more about discovering new perspectives about a thing that you perceive as a problem. 

[Carl-Richard]

1 hour ago, Sincerity said:

Nice post!

Perhaps I'll share my slightly different approach. I find that most often simply consciousness and acceptance do the work. For me (if I'm conscious enough) the mechanism is: problem --> emotion arises --> awareness and acceptance of the emotion --> emotion subsides. While analysis can be useful, I think that in regards to emotions presence in the moment and acceptance are the #1 thing and they dissolve all turmoil beautifully. AND I'd argue that with consciousness, You also learn for the long-term - without the need for "manual" analysis. It's just learning in a different way.

Analysis and finding lessons are still great tho. Clarity about the situation and a commitment to respond differently next time are certainly empowering, relief-bringing and satisfying - especially if You're in love with that wisdom babyy. 

Mindfulness and accepting emotions are both aspects of psychological flexibility, so yes that can be a part of it. It's just that if you accept something without changing your behavior, it becomes a form of spiritual bypassing (I used to do that a lot). Then again, you don't have to manually think about it or write it down to change your behavior, but it helps.

I used to underestimate how powerful writing something down is. I do it for almost everything now and it has likewise changed almost everything. For example, about a year ago, I started writing down any and all insights about how I could improve my form when lifting at the gym (because I had been struggling with muscle imbalances for a while). I would consistently have about one insight per session which I would implement in the next session. This is what it looks like (most of it is in Norwegian lol):

Quote

• fokus på venstre arm i alle bicep øvelser
• hold venstre armen helt i ro og inntil siden på bicep curl maskin, hold i fingrene hele veien
• controlled movement på pulldown maskin
• rett rygg men full stretch og ytterst på håndtak på chest maskin
• 70kg på leg ext pause on top, 50kg leg curl same
• blå 10kg på forearm curl
• 2.5kg skulder kabel
• forearm curl albuene innenfor knærne helt rett ned, 10kg
• row maskin bryst i ett med puten
• åpne opp brystet bredt i chest maskin (nesten som stretching)
• chest press symmetrisk lockout
• spread lats på cable shoulder
• arch back og høy intensitet på chest press
• stirr ned på brystet for stabilitet (chess press), stabiliser med armene
• 5kg på cable shoulder
• gjør vanlig pulldown
• overhead tricep ext 20kg full extension på topp
• 75kg på chest press
• toes down på leg curl
• egne manualer for underarm
• full stretch i traps/rygg på row maskin
• pullups maskin laveste seteinnstilling, grønn matte brettet, helt full extension
• grip 2.5. på chest press og setehøyde 3
• glute maskin sakte og kontrollert rep
• mer midtstilt grep på chest flies
• chest press flare arms to the side on stretch
• 220 - 270 - 320 - 320 leg press
• begynn helt på bunn med chest flies maskin
• slight arch men keep upper back lock chest press, 70-70-70-70
• se ned på brystet og hold rett på row maskin
• push igjennom hendene på chest flies machine
• psych opp før cable tricep pulldown og klem hardt i tauet
• klem hardt på håndtakene på chest flies maskin
• chest press 80-80-80-80, full stretch på bunnen, contraction igjennom hele bevegelsen.
• 260-280-300 rack pulls
• front delt med vektskiver hold helt statisk med hendene og time under tension med skuldrene inntil hodet på toppen
• skulder kabel rett ut fra siden av kroppen og arch armen for flex
• test stretch uni ting på row maskin
• høyere innstilling på chest flies maskin
• finn lavere innstilling på chestpress (3 eller 4)
• leg extention holde knærne helt stille
• rack pull speed matters, hold til failure on last few reps
• row retract shoulderblade før hver rep.
• på pulldown/chestpress oppvarming løft albuene
• front dumbell shoulder raise klem skuldrene framover/innover mot hodet.
• pulldown maskin albuene helt ut til siden
• incline dumbell press symmetrisk på begge sider av hodet.
• begynn med belte til squats og deadlift
• fiks chestpress med å retracte skulderblades, max 100kg
• skulder sidekabel led sakte med forarmen (ikke albuen)
• dumbbell shoulder press 5kg+2.5kg under foran.
• glute maskin lat som tar backflip
• squats stå helt oppreist i begynnelsen av bevegelsen
• front delt samlet foran
• face pull perfect form 13kg
• side lat maskin løft skulderen opp i toppen av bevegelsen.
• overarm curls albuer tett inntil sidene
• chestpress squeeze handlesene og lat som du pusher en stang, minimal ourward movement, maximal inward
• 40kg oppvarming på pec maskin, kjappe reps som før
• side delt bak litt ryggen
• row maskin føttene i bakken og hold på toppen
• pec maskin stram i hele bevegelsen
• pullups med wide grip og touch clavicle
• symmetrisk tuck i squats
• rull med fingerne underarm forearm curls
• pause on top overarm forearm curls
• 260 - 280 - 300 på rack pull
• lat som superman i cable shoulder, ikke flex traps
• row machine len bakover på squeeze, 60kg.
• dumbell press = form > x reps
• ikke for mye retracted shoulders i rack pull
• switch tilbake til maskin på upper back
• Hengende shoulder cable raise
• Tricep pulldown og bicep curl, follow same path of movement when reversing.
• Full lockout på beina i rack pulls
• Prøv one arm cable pulls
• Bøy veldig framover når dumbell shoulder flies
• Rotate quads inwards in leg ext.
• Small pause at extension in tricep ext.
• Lavere vekt på skulder lat raises og face pulls
• Skvis stangen på forearm curls
• Retract shoulders during rows, max 50kg
• Pulldowns til failure 
• Lavere vekt, mer svie på skulderisolasjon
• Vær mer intens på brystøvelser
• Ikke bøy håndledd på kickbacks
• Øk squat til 110 130 150 (60 på andre oppvarming)
• Band facepulls
• Hold rett rygg i alle øvelser
• Push maskin med rygg helt inntil
• Row maskin helt rett, se opp og sakte squeeze

Now one year later, my body is completely changed and almost perfectly symmetrical, through nothing more than the power of insight and structured recording and implementation.

 

1 hour ago, Sincerity said:

Like? I'm curious what You're thinking of because I'd lean towards saying that all forms of spiritual bypassing are, well... bypassing, running away. While it may have "uses" (depending on what your goals are), it's never facing the truth. And things that one absolutely cannot change can be accepted too.

For example if you're going bald, or you lost some of your limbs, or got a stroke which impacted your ability to speak; those things are likely not going to change, so merely accepting them or zooming out to the absolute perspective can be appropriate in order to deal with them. The problem is when it becomes compulsive and done as an unconscious defense mechanism rather than a conscious choice.

Edited May 11, 2023 by Carl-Richard

[Sincerity]

50 minutes ago, Carl-Richard said:

Mindfulness and accepting emotions are both aspects of psychological flexibility, so yes that can be a part of it. It's just that if you accept something without changing your behavior, it becomes a form of spiritual bypassing (I used to do that a lot).

Hmm. Personally I wouldn't consider consciously accepting an emotion without changing one's behaviour as spiritual bypassing. I mean, when You accept the emotion You face reality head on... AND I'd also say that the newly accepted reality does incentivize behaviour change. At least for me, consciousness and peace inspire solutions and growth. It's just that mostly there's no manual deconstruction and analysis, it's done on a more intuitive level and from a relieved state. But neither feeling nor behaviour change is avoided.

I guess both approaches could be connected in a model like this:

Situation --> emotion arises --> awareness and acceptance of the emotion --> emotion subsides & contemplation over situation.

50 minutes ago, Carl-Richard said:

I used to underestimate how powerful writing something down is. I do it for almost everything now and it has likewise changed almost everything. For example, about a year ago, I started writing down any and all insights about how I could improve my form when lifting at the gym (because I had been struggling with muscle imbalances for a while). I would consistently have about one insight per session which I would implement in the next session. This is what it looks like (most of it is in Norwegian lol):

Now one year later, my body is completely changed and almost perfectly symmetrical, through nothing more than the power of insight and structured recording and implementation.

That's very inspiring! Seriously. And I agree that writing things down is powerful.

Actually in regards to processing emotions I can mention that I'm completing these forms every day in the evening to be more aware and accepting of my feelings. Note that it concerns emotions in the now (although when I focus there often reappear emotions that I avoided and repressed during the day) and also the third question is about lessons from the day - which are often derived from how I feel / felt and why, so there's room for some analysis.  I guess what I wanna say is we agree like 95% probably haha.

50 minutes ago, Carl-Richard said:

For example if you're going bald, or you lost some of your limbs, or got a stroke which impacted your ability to speak; those things are likely not going to change, so merely accepting them or zooming out to the absolute perspective can be appropriate in order to deal with them. The problem is when it becomes compulsive and done as an unconscious defense mechanism rather than a conscious choice.

I wouldn't consider accepting something You can't change as spiritual bypassing. If You can't do anything but accept and You DO accept, then what is bypassed?

Edited May 11, 2023 by Sincerity

[Razard86]

Good post, but there is no spiritual bypassing the issue is many of you are still stuck in human conditioning and have not sufficiently raised your awareness to understand that you don't need to create reasons to forgive yourself. While well-meaning this strategy you created will never end. You will have to keep creating reasons to forgive yourself after every action you think is questionable.

Regret is normal, as we live in a goal based society. But guilt is pure ignorance. Instead of creating strategies to forgive yourself raise your awareness and ACCEPT the truth of what is going on. Otherwise even that strategy you created won't hold. Why? Because all people have to do is guilt trip you and then the questioning will start in your mind....did I do the right thing? How do I know what is right? And that whole rabbit hole will start.

The truth is whatever happens in your life was supposed to happen exactly the way it has. If you can accept this, you will be able to permanently rid yourself of guilt. The purpose of your life is acceptance, acceptance of what you are, where you are, and then you can enjoy the peace that reveals itself. All this spiritual bypassing nonsense is something you conjure up in your mind due to human conditioning. Everything is spirit, so how can you spiritual bypass? It's utter nonsense and I can't believe I let someone once convince me of this hilarious concept.

[Sincerity]

21 minutes ago, Razard86 said:

All this spiritual bypassing nonsense is something you conjure up in your mind due to human conditioning. Everything is spirit, so how can you spiritual bypass? It's utter nonsense and I can't believe I let someone once convince me of this hilarious concept.

Personally I think Carl is using the word too broadly, but I'd say that the concept certainly exists. Example: A guy cannot attract women, craves to but disregards it and doesn't work on it because of spiritual truths coming from the absolute perspective. That's avoiding the problem, that's bypassing.

21 minutes ago, Razard86 said:

The purpose of your life is acceptance, acceptance of what you are, where you are, and then you can enjoy the peace that reveals itself.

I agree. 

Edited May 11, 2023 by Sincerity

[Juan]

I know this isn’t for everyone but lately I’ve been experimenting with mushroom blend microdose. I love to take them on my free time and do deep contemplation and ask questions like the ones you were doing, sometimes the answers are beyond my logic mind. Another option is to connect with nature where you can purge your thoughts and emotions to the point of revealing what’s up with you, meditate there for a while or even do camping if you have enough free time. And lastly, do my Life Purpose, without it, I feel empty and sad af. 

Edited May 11, 2023 by Juan

[Yimpa]

21 minutes ago, Juan said:

And lastly, do my Life Purpose, without it, I feel empty and sad af. 

Did you take Leo’s Life Purpose Course?

[Juan]

12 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

Did you take Leo’s Life Purpose Course?

No but I plan to buy it for possibly get new ideas and reinforce my LP. Since childhood I already knew I wanted to make art. What about you?

[Yimpa]

@Juan I started it a few days ago, but have been slacking on it. Thank you for the reminder.

[Carl-Richard]

On 11.5.2023 at 5:03 PM, Sincerity said:

Hmm. Personally I wouldn't consider consciously accepting an emotion without changing one's behaviour as spiritual bypassing. I mean, when You accept the emotion You face reality head on... AND I'd also say that the newly accepted reality does incentivize behaviour change. At least for me, consciousness and peace inspire solutions and growth. It's just that mostly there's no manual deconstruction and analysis, it's done on a more intuitive level and from a relieved state. But neither feeling nor behaviour change is avoided.

I'll try to make myself more clear: If the emotion signals you to change your behavior in a way that is ultimately in line with your higher self, and you somehow manage to keep neglecting the signals using acceptance and mindfulness, that would be a form of spiritual bypassing. And again, relying on intuitive solutions can of course be sufficient, but also writing it down can amplify those solutions. There are competing forces within you, and your cognitive capacity is limited (memory, attention, etc.). Over a large sample of situations, sometimes the lower forces win, and sometimes you forget about prior solutions when faced with a situation where they're relevant. Writing it down provides you with a structure that crystallizes your commitment to your higher self. In that sense, merely relying on intuition could be more "spiritually bypass-y" than also relying on text, but that is of course stretching it (but also, intuition is just another tool just like text, so why limit yourself?). And I know I'm using the term in a very broad sense, but I think you can still follow it 

 

On 11.5.2023 at 5:03 PM, Sincerity said:

Actually in regards to processing emotions I can mention that I'm completing these forms every day in the evening to be more aware and accepting of my feelings. Note that it concerns emotions in the now (although when I focus there often reappear emotions that I avoided and repressed during the day) and also the third question is about lessons from the day - which are often derived from how I feel / felt and why, so there's room for some analysis.  I guess what I wanna say is we agree like 95% probably haha.

Damn that's some good stuff 

 

On 11.5.2023 at 5:03 PM, Sincerity said:

I wouldn't consider accepting something You can't change as spiritual bypassing. If You can't do anything but accept and You DO accept, then what is bypassed?

Ok I admit I'm very sloppy with my use of the term. There I was just thinking about it as neutralizing worldly matters by zooming out to a larger spiritual perspective. It's not a particularly scientific term with a strict definition, but I guess we're making process 

Edited May 12, 2023 by Carl-Richard

[Yimpa]

27 minutes ago, Carl-Richard said:

There I was just thinking about it as neutralizing worldly matters by zooming out to a larger spiritual perspective.

You’d be surprised how words can be reinterpreted fluidly. 

For example, I got the term “zooming out” from my therapist. We aren’t doing any spiritual work, yet zooming out can be used in a practical/worldly sense. 

Zooming out, in a therapeutic sense, implies facing your fears by realizing that there was nothing to fear to begin with. You see beyond what your mind was tricking you into believing, since all along you had your head against a wall and only see a damn wall 

-

I also agree that writing is amazing. I’ve been practicing every day this past month; it’s been really helpful with processing what’s going on in my head and I’m learning through creative writing that I can sharpen my intuition.

So really, it doesn’t have to be one or the other (in this case spirituality or psychology). Integrating both into our daily lives is key.

[Juan]

3 hours ago, Yimpa said:

@Juan I started it a few days ago, but have been slacking on it. Thank you for the reminder.

No problem. Something that helped me a lot was to start to live by my own alone, idk if you did this decision already. Once I did that it was like putting your feet on the fire of adulthood and life and you either create/do something or die of hungry. I think I’ve got use to to this fire and I enjoy it hehe.
 

Edited May 11, 2023 by Juan

[Carl-Richard]

7 hours ago, Razard86 said:

there is no spiritual bypassing the issue is many of you are still stuck in human conditioning and have not sufficiently raised your awareness to understand that you don't need to create reasons to forgive yourself.

Ignoring your human conditioning because "it doesn't exist" — that's spiritual bypassing.

Edited May 11, 2023 by Carl-Richard

[Yimpa]

1 hour ago, Juan said:

No problem. Something that helped me a lot was to start to live by my own alone, idk if you did this decision already. Once I did that it was like putting your feet on the fire of adulthood and life and you either create/do something or die of hungry. I think I’ve got use to to this fire and I enjoy it hehe.
 

I do live alone; been like that for a while. However, I find myself not being able to study if I’m at home. My plan is to go to the library regularly since I enjoy being around people who are also studying. 

[Yimpa]

15 minutes ago, Carl-Richard said:

Ignoring your human conditioning because "it doesn't exist", that's spiritual bypassing.

My stance is to have flexibility. Work on the human condition while simultaneously understanding that it’s not an absolute. 

Connection to others will also improve. For example, if you hang out with someone who has mental illness, you don’t just see them a problem that needs to be fixed. There’s much more you can discover in other when you’re open; they also naturally open up to you. 

Edited May 11, 2023 by Yimpa

[Sincerity]

13 hours ago, Carl-Richard said:

I'll try to make myself more clear: If the emotion signals you to change your behavior in a way that is ultimately in line with your higher aspirations, and you somehow manage to keep neglecting the signals using acceptance and mindfulness, that would be a form of spiritual bypassing. And again, relying on intuitive solutions can of course be sufficient, but also writing it down can amplify those solutions. There are competing forces within you, and your cognitive capacity is limited (memory, attention, etc.). Over a large sample of situations, sometimes the lower forces win, and sometimes you forget about prior solutions when faced with a situation where they're relevant. In that sense, merely relying on intuition could be more "spiritually bypass-y" than also relying on text, but that is of course stretching it (but also, intuition is just another tool just like text, so why limit yourself?). And I know I'm using the term in a very broad sense, but I think you can still follow it 

Okay, I see your points  and I have nothing important to add.

13 hours ago, Carl-Richard said:

Damn that's some good stuff 

Ok I admit I'm very sloppy with my use of the term. There I was just thinking about it as neutralizing worldly matters by zooming out to a larger spiritual perspective. It's not a particularly scientific term with a strict definition, but I guess we're making process 

Thanks for a nice exchange of views!

Edited May 12, 2023 by Sincerity

[UnbornTao]

Emotion is implied to be caused by external circumstances, therefore we can only be at their effect. Emotions are activities done by us. If we assume that, then a logical conclusion could be then that the only solution is to manipulate the emotions' influence. Question them as they arise. In your experience, observe as you engage in the process of creating emotion.

I wanted to put out the possibility of a more direct approach: "What is this experience?" "What is this emotion doing"? "What are its components"?

What you have sounds like it works for you so that's good.

[Jacob Morres]

22 hours ago, Sincerity said:

Nice post!

Perhaps I'll share my slightly different approach. I find that most often simply consciousness and acceptance do the work. For me (if I'm conscious enough) the mechanism is: problem --> emotion arises --> awareness and acceptance of the emotion --> emotion subsides. While analysis can be useful, I think that in regards to emotions presence in the moment and acceptance are the #1 thing and they dissolve all turmoil beautifully. AND I'd argue that with consciousness, You also learn for the long-term - without the need for "manual" analysis. It's just learning in a different way.

Analysis and finding lessons are still great tho. Clarity about the situation and a commitment to respond differently next time are certainly empowering, relief-bringing and satisfying - especially if You're in love with that wisdom babyy. 

Like? I'm curious what You're thinking of because I'd lean towards saying that all forms of spiritual bypassing are, well... bypassing, running away. While it may have "uses" (depending on what your goals are), it's never facing the truth. And things that one absolutely cannot change can be accepted too.

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRKfTd7W/

>said by tolle here