Are friends a good investment?

[lizz_luna]

I’m starting to realize how much time I invest in cultivating friendships. I have 3 high quality friend relationships, and nurture them and grow with these people. They are mostly  stage green (me too, but have been working for the past year to go up and integrate other stages).

they are unreliable and I’m starting to think if it is worth investing that much time into them if probably at some point  it will fall apart. There is not a level of commitment like in a romantic relationship or a family members.

I understand that community and close relationships are part of our basic needs, but maybe it’s not as beneficial to think and trust these people as much as I do. 
I’ve needed their help in the past and they didn’t care much besides being sooo “spiritual and empathetic”

what are your thoughts on it?

Edited May 8, 2023 by lizz_luna
Grammar error

[lizz_luna]

@RebornConsciousness that makes sense, I didn’t realize that. I am living in a foreign country so feel like friendships fulfill deeper needs that tend to be fulfilled by family. Thank you for providing perspective 

[meta_male]

@lizz_luna It's important not to fully rely on your friends, but you shouldn't feel like they're unreliable overall. Me and my two closest friends aren't always on the same wavelength, but I know they have my back without my asking. They also know me better than my family does, it really depends on your situation and your values.

If I were you I'd take a few steps back and see how much investment is done by them. You should definitely get the sense that your relationship with them is secure without constantly stressing about not losing them.

[gettoefl]

have to be ruthless about friends, selecting them and whether to keep them

friendship is based on reciprocity and like-mindedness:

- they have to give the same measure you give and you contact them in equal measure to them contacting you

- they have to be similar in interests background and development, in order words easy to be around

if they don't meet your requirements cut them

2-3 is the optimal number and ideally your friends are friends of each other

[Kalki Avatar]

Only if they will have your back, not manipulate you for selfish purposes, accept you as you are and fight/sacrifice/kill for you. That as a long term investment pov. 

Other than that its just games untill something get serious. They will talk behind your back and share all your personal stuff. Also, they will eventually stary to hold you back, envy you and betray you when you change for the better. They want to improve, but not you. They want the spot light but not you. Its a dirty game. 

Measure their level of heart purity to see if thats a real friend. 

Edited May 9, 2023 by Kalki Avatar

[Kid A]

On 9.5.2023 at 5:42 PM, gettoefl said:

if they don't meet your requirements cut them

I did this and it may be the biggest mistake I ever made. It completely ruined my life, even though it seemed like a great decision the first year after. Having no/too few friends is an absolute nightmare in the long run, and this comes from a very introverted person. 

[Buck Edwards]

The best ever.

[pablo_aka_god]

I like to separate friends by layers:

Layer 1: Are my real friends, they are the people I can count on and which I share a history, I Feel lucky to have 2 friends in this category and every minute I spend with them is time very well invested.

Layer 2: Other people I may call friends in social settings, but I Don't consider them real friends. We enjoy our time together and they provide me some value but I know these relationships are not meant to last therebefore I don't invest much time here, however I still invest some time to keep them going because they add some value.

Also note that I have a minimal set of values that I expect from a person to be in one of those groups, for example a dishonest person doesn't make it even to layer 2.

Edited May 13, 2023 by pablo_aka_god

[ndm678]

On 5/11/2023 at 7:51 AM, Kid A said:

I did this and it may be the biggest mistake I ever made. It completely ruined my life, even though it seemed like a great decision the first year after. Having no/too few friends is an absolute nightmare in the long run, and this comes from a very introverted person. 

Can you share your experience?

[StarStruck]

Best investment is in yourself. It will last you a life time of dividends. 

[Kid A]

20 hours ago, ndm678 said:

Can you share your experience?

I probably exaggerated a bit, but:
Four years ago, I decided to cut my closest friends out of my life. Things were going great the first year after, but after about a year and a half, I started to really miss them.  It developed into severe bouts of depression, so eventually I just had to go back to them with my tail between my legs. They were generous enough to take me back, but only to a certain extent. Since the "comeback", these friends have been a major source of paranoia and loneliness. I've been excluded from things an awful lot, and it feels like Christmas Eve, New Year's Eve and my birthday all at once every time I get the "honor" of being with them these days. You can look at the bright side and think that it's good that I have finally learned to value friendship, but it's a constant disaster for my self-esteem. In the last couple of years, I've also started dating girls, which pretty much offers only rejections and very little satisfaction. To gain the social skills and life you need to succeed in dating, friends are crucial. When you feel as rejected by your friends, as by the girls you go out with, then your self-esteem hits rock bottom, and when that happens, life truly sucks. This has been the case for around two years now and every action I take to make things better usually backfires and make things worse. At it's worst I have sometimes acted like a desperate crazy person, which surely doesn't make the social situation any better. In the last four years I've only been able to make one single new friend who I actually want to spend time with and that's a girl I dated earlier this year, and we don't ever meet IRL anymore.   
Fortunately, things have improved in the last six months, but I do not recommend anyone to go through what I have gone through and am still going through.