A Spiritual War - A Poem

[tashadwoodfall]

Where Were You God

 

I searched endlessly for God in the dark long nights

Screaming out in pain how did I get here God I thought we were right

Held down, raped, hit, drugged and tied, fighting with my thoughts I reached out to the light

She used to be beautiful, she used to be kind, she used to be a sight

At last I screamed out to God Satans not taking me I’m going out with a fight

 

Where were you God because you weren’t there

Then all the fear had left me and I was no longer scared

Take it in your own hands is what Satan said was the key

Well take me to hell and I’ll burn the place down like you’ve never seen

Perhaps God used him to get me free

 

I took a bottle and a knife and decided it’s okay if I die

I decided everything I heard about God must have been a lie

There were no more tears left for me to cry

I don’t know how but something switched

I started fantasizing about my abuser in a ditch

 

Nothing could be worse than this life

He was stronger but little did he know I hid the gun and I had a knife

Besides I’m no longer interested in asking why

The newspaper article flashes through my minds eye

 

Fighting for my family, my soul let’s take it to the ground

Now you’re scared boy you look like a fucking clown

Lock yourself in the room and I’ll break this shit down

And at God’s gate and courtroom I’ll take the fucking crown

And I only need one round

I’ll never forget that sound

And before I know it I’m prison bound

 

And I’m no longer able to rewind

That girl I used to know is no longer kind

And always kept reaching for the wine

The trauma became too much and I lost my mind

Then I’m in Psych wards being tranquilized

 

Where were you God where was your sign

I am love, I am strength, I am divine

 

Again God you weren’t there

Abandoned by my family, no one loved me no one dared

To the point where I don’t care

 

As I’m passing out I see grace

Maybe it’s true maybe I can fight the case

Self defense was a human right

And judge Ritchie let me go with a hell of a fight

 

And then I finally found a light

On my daughter’s face when she was born on that beautiful night

Years pass and I lost custody of the only one I love because of the booze

And then after that I had nothing else to lose

 

My daughter’s father left me Homeless and I didn’t know what to do

Crackheads and onlyfans hoes have custody but for me that wasn’t true

I’ll never forget the night I was crying and praying drunk at the bus stop

And minutes later I was robbed

 

Working my ass off now everyday to pay child support

Always afraid if I make too much or get caught drunk I’ll have to go back to court

Not able to eat he took my money anyway

Lord I ask you to help rid me of this deep hate

 

The person I became, I don’t even know

I can’t trust a soul, it’s hard for me to let go

Living day by day just chasing that dough

It feels empty lifeless and cold

And no one can really truly know

 

They say God gives his toughest battles to the strongest souls

But when you have so many demons on your back it’s hard to have goals

 

Do you think it’s cool that you sit on your high horse until you are sought?

Do you think children dying of thirst is forgot

They say make up your own god it’s whatever you want

But that sounds stupid, that doesn’t sound like a logical thought

 

Deuteronomy 20:16-18 God orders the Israelites to "not leave alive anything that breathes

You’ve committed genocide then you ask me to get on my knees?

I’m supposed to love somebody I’m supposed to fear?

But those days are gone, he’s not my God and he’s not even near

And that kind of love is nowhere near sincere

 

I have zero apologies and I already paid my dues

I’m sick I’m hurt and I have been nothing but used

Yet here I am continuing to lose

How many times do I gotta hit that grey goose

Before I start to refuse

 

I’m tired of this rat race, this disease and this burden

It seems every time I pray and think you’re with me things just worsen

How many times do I need to listen to a sermon

With or without it you’ve left me in desertion

 

And things just keep feeling uncertain

Forget the booze I don’t even want the bourbon

I feel like I need a fucking surgeon

 

Confession without repentance maybe it’s a sin

Maybe I did it wrong I feel like I just can’t win

But I stand by almost everything I said and almost everything I did

 

They say “God judges the intent of the heart”

But where’s his judgment where’s her judgement where do I start

Where were you God because you weren’t there

I’m done with you and I’m done with this share