Humbled By Ayahuasca

[bmcnicho]

I just wanted to share this quick story to emphasize the importance of going into these experiences with the proper mindset.  As far as bad experiences go, I'd say I got off pretty easy compared to other trip reports I've seen, but it was enough to make me realize that I need to reevaluate my approach moving forward.  My previous trip was 3 weeks earlier and it was my most intense and difficult so far.  So that experience made me go into this one with an expanded understanding of what these substances are capable of.  Before, I was a bit naive and thought these substances were just a way to access interesting insights, mystical states, and sensory experiences, but I didn't realize their capacity to radially transform reality to a possibly unlimited degree depending on dosage.  This caused me to go into this experience with more fear and apprehension than previous trips, but I thought that I should be courageous and force myself to do it anyway.  I see now that it was probably a sign that I should've waited until a different day.

What was strange about this experience, is that for the first 4 hours, the effects were very mild despite me taking a larger dose than last time.  I usually feel full effects by 2 hours in, so I thought that this was because I used a new batch of harmine hcl which was less purely extracted than the previous batch.  So maybe I wasn't fully mao inhibited despite weighing out 230 milligrams.  It was after midnight at this point, so I fell asleep for about 20 minutes.  I woke up in a memory wiped daze and realized I was tripping hard.  It caught me by surprise, so I ended up resisting a lot.  I was blasted with a cacophony of electronic alien noises of all imaginable sorts and felt like my mind was possessed by a pure trickster energy.  My mind was scrambled, basic things no longer made sense and I was made aware of many of my neurotic tendencies in normal life.  The sheer strangeness of it is a bit baffling to me.  These effects lasted for about an hour and a half and wore off at around the 6-hour mark, which is strange, because by 5 hours in the effects are usually over.

I now believe that the harmine was still fully effective, and the first 4 hours were me resisting the effects.  With other substances I've taken, it seems like I'm locked into the expected effects of a given dose for the full duration, but ayahuasca confuses me to the extent that I seem to be able to almost completely shut down high doses by not surrendering, although I imagine there would be a dose where this would no longer be the case.  I definitely think it was my poor mindset that caused these negative effects and not the substance itself.  I'm very conflicted right now, because I am interested in accessing these expanded states of consciousness, but I'm terrified by how radical and strange psychedelics can be.  This causes me to enter the experience with a very manipulative and self-contradictory mindset, wanting to dissolve boundaries and expand my awareness in some ways, while wanting to preserve my identity, and sense of reality in other ways.  So, I guess I'm imagining a very specific type of experience that I think will benefit me and trying to force it to be that, instead of being open to whatever it has to show me.  But this is the one area of life that isn't supposed to be about ego manipulation and survival agenda, so I can't imagine bringing my human toxicity into this mystical state would go well for me in the future.

So probably I need to take some time off to reflect and decide firmly how seriously I want to take spirituality and how far I'm willing to go with psychedelics.  Part of the problem is that with the state of the world becoming more uncertain, I've been feeling an increased sense of urgency to make quick progress, as I don't know for how long conditions will remain stable for.  But this process cannot be rushed, and it won't conform to some timeline I try to impose on it.  I'm still fairly young and have a good deal of mental immaturity to work through, so that may hold me back for awhile.  The aspect of this work that's most difficult for me is giving up control, probably because I had issues with authority figures growing up and a sense of control is very important to me.  But accessing the deepest levels will require giving up control, so I don't know exactly how I'm going to do that.

[Pudgey]

Ayahuasca is a beautiful mind-fuck. 

[Karla]

“State of the world becoming more uncertain” and feeling an increased sense of urgency to make progress? What do you mean by that? 

Interesting.

Ayahuasca wasn’t super powerful for me on the two occasions I sat for it. The last time I sat for it with 8 other people, nobody seemed to have a bad trip, it was delightful for me but we were fed all vegan (super yummy) diet and did kambo and rapé the three days prior. Kambo was horrible for me on day 1 and slightly less horrible on day 2 & 3. Perhaps something like this can help you release beforehand?

I may sit again in July in a completely different setting but wondering if it’s just not my psychedelic.

[bmcnicho]

@Karla By the state of the world, I was mainly referring to rapid advancements in artificial intelligence, but also it seems like the US is on the brink of a large economic crash, plus there’s increasing political and climate instability around the world.  All these factors combined are making me want to make lots of progress now while things are still stable.

I’m a bit skeptical about Kambo.  I guess the idea is that physical purging would purify something psychologically, but I’ve also heard that it was more done to eliminate stomach parasites in a jungle environment, which wouldn’t be needed for people today.

Sometimes in ceremonies they dose pretty low, you would definitely feel strong effects at a higher dose.  I had two previous experiences that went a lot better, they were more of the visionary type of experience that would be expected.  This time was just utter chaos.

Edited May 7, 2023 by bmcnicho

[PurpleTree]

Also happened to me once

took it thrice

third time cooked it with lemon instead of vinegar.

after one hour of drininkg it still nothing really, usually only takes 20 mins. Then at some point i woke up laying on the floor, drooling. Feeling like some kind of reptile, snake animal.

don’t think i got anything out of this strange trip really.

[funkychunkymonkey]

i cant wait to try, would you be able to deconstruct your mind on aya? or would it be just too... motherly? to wanna do anything?

[Verg0]

Yeeah, it's a strange one for sure. But honesty, a lot of substances are. 

 

I can relate to your dilemma. I would say next time you decide to go in, make sure you're 100% dedicated to embrace every experience that wants to occur. 

 

It's truly mind blowing how it can increase the intensity 4 hours into the trip sometimes. 

[bmcnicho]

@funkychunkymonkey Yeah, lower doses are pretty good for contemplation.  You have a lot of mental clarity, access to insight, and are a bit less altered than with other substances.  With higher doses though, it's easy to get lost in intense visionary states, so you wouldn't be able to consciously deconstruct as much.