Why is my life like HELL

[PataFoiFoi]

Im really grateful for any help or answer i can get and hope you could endure the long reading :).

Im kinda a lurking user with little interaction on this forum, so if think ill do a little/big introduction.

I had a wonderful childhood with good upbringing which im very grateful for. But as i entered my teenage years my life went downhill. I was good in school and later secured a good apprenticeship for a job i really liked. Things were very flimsy at the beginning (almost lost my contract in the first weeks because of an unlucky event) and i was noticing this bad luck but i kept going. I also had serious money problems in my family which i copped with and wanted to change trough personal development. I was fully commited to personal development and being succesful later in life. Thats where i found actualized.org and it really resonated with me. I was working hard in school, at my job, at the gym and tried to build an online business. I was following Leos tips and  teachings and putting the life purpose course into practice. But after a long time i realized i was not getting any results, things were even going backwards. I was working so hard at my job but unlucky thigs were happening which werent under my control. My coworkers even said that i was the most knowledgeable, enthusiastic and motivated worker which unfortunately couldnt set a career path because of unlucky events.  For my online business side I was doing good tried to build up a fitness brand or site were i helped people lose weight or achieve their dream physique from the knowledge i gained over the years. It was easy to run my online business because i was working in IT and gained some knowledge in Business administration from other online courses. I even made some money but as things were starting to pay off  the next tragedy hit me. I had a burnout and it was very serious it even effects me till today. Suddenly my body was refusing to do any work, go to school or showing up to work. I stopped going to the gym and shot down my online business. I was struggling to do the bare minimum. It was a really tough time and i was fighting hard to get out of that hole. As i was trying to change i had other mental illnesses and started going to the doctor. And as i expected they were prescribing meds which really didnt do anything for me for the long run. I started to contemplate about life and the meaning of existence. First trough religion because I had a strict upbringing and was a serious practitioner which i forgot to mention earlier. But as I gained more knowledge and contemplated reality, religion was  quickly starting to make no sense or i started to see the Evil in religions or even how sickminded of a god they were worshipping. It again was a really tough journey because religion was a part of my identiy but i managed to shed that part off. I was now even more depressed and anxious beause this world seemed very cruel with alle the human and animal suffering in it, various sickminded ideologies and brutal history.

 

At this part I started my spiritual path with meditation, kriya yoga and reading spiritual books from the book list. I had little glimpses here and there and even little God-realization and solipsistic experiences. Keep in mind my life was running at the bare minimum i had shitty jobs, was fat, depressed anxiuos no real social life. I saw a last hope for change in psychedelics which i researched pretty well trough this forum and leos videos. I went to an ayahuasca retreat for a week were we drank from the brew every evening. The trips were mesmerizing but also very challenging. In one trip i realized that i was whiping myself too hard all these years. Or that i was very strong but because of my strength it  had to be compensated trough external forces to make my experience challenging. I felt like an ant a very strong insect, relatively speaking, but very small. On other trips i had humours experiences and orgasmic pulsating love for my self. But there were also challenging experiences were i felt i was vomiting up my death and my body was in an intense fever. I had toughts about stoping this madness with a kitchen knife. I also tried to take 5-MeO DMT in that retreat but as i was inhaling from the pipe nothing happened. For others it worked, i tried to take it three times troughout the week and  firstly I practiced inhaling the DMT correctly with the mentor and even with cigarettes. But nothing happened i was kinda frustrated because i hoped to get the most out of the retreat from the 5 meo. After the retreat i was motivated to put my learnings into practice and hoped that my life will change for the better. As time passed i realized nothing was changing again it even got more worse. I lost my job and my burnout still didnt heal it got worse to the point were all my friends and family saw my as an sick minded unfortunate individual. At this point it was easy to see that i was suicidal and didnt understand the world and my life anymore.I kept my spirutal work up the best as i could. The next thing i planned was tripping on LSA with hawaiian baby woodroses because they werent illegal and easy to get. I was preparing the setting at my home and made the drink with the extracted LSA. When i drank the brew it took a really long time for the effects to kick in, Because of that i was eating some more seeds because i tought the LSA-Extraction didnt work. But then baam it hit me first i was feeling this love but i quickly lost my self in toughts why my life is so bad. And the next thing you know baaaaam God-Realization. I realized i was God. The mask has fallen, i was playing hide and seek all along with myself. I really was openminded and wanted to be really sure if its true. And every time that tought came to my mind i had experiences which really broke that tought. it was realllyy realllyyy challengiiing it waaas heeellll. I tought thats it i fucked it up i had to call my friends to look after my during the trip. I really felt ashamed that it came to that situation. My friends just couldnt believe what my life has change into, from a succesful enthusiastic young guy to an ill minded guy who was thinking he is God.  But they ensured that i was safe during the trip and stayyed with me. Know imagine explaining to them that I hadnt lost it and the experiences were real. After the trip i tought thats it i realized what i needed to realize i can now finally get my life together and change it for the better. As time passed worked hard to get back on track and even do the minimum things in life. And as you may have guessed it things didnt change and it got worse agaaiiin. I was only going trough sufferiing to paaain back to sufferiing and more suffering. Only bad things which i had zerooo control of were happening to me (i might go trough them in an other post). To this day i came to one realization that im im Hell. God dreamed up this hell were he tortures himself. As dumb as that may sound but with Conciousness comes a hefty price tag it can imagine everything the most misterious joyous fantasies but also tormenting existences. At this point im open to anything to stop this madness or surrender to anything that i need to realize. I would be really thankful if you could analyze my story or perception and make me aware of the things i need ro realize for a better change and hopefully the last time...

[PeaceOut96]

@PataFoiFoi

I know exactly what you mean. Think of it as this. Its all inpersonal. Your body-mind and how it functions have never been in your hands, so don't be hard on yourself. Its karma, its something wether you want it or not that you have to go trough. My best advice is Surrender. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't try to heal or better yourself, but just surrender to the flow of Life. And don't go down the path of suicide. 

 

"Whatever is destined not to happen will not happen, try as you may. Whatever is destined to happen will happen, do what you may to prevent it. This is certain. The best course, therefore, is to remain silent."

Ramana Maharshi

Edited May 1, 2023 by PeaceOut96

[Yimpa]

18 minutes ago, PataFoiFoi said:

As dumb as that may sound but with Conciousness comes a hefty price tag it can imagine everything the most misterious joyous fantasies but also tormenting existences. At this point im open to anything to stop this madness or surrender to anything that i need to realize.

What will stopping do? Are you needing Reality to be one particular way? If so, this is the fundamental issue that must be investigated seriously, free of bias (while also including the bias so that you’re aware of the bias).

18 minutes ago, PataFoiFoi said:

I would be really thankful if you could analyze my story or perception and make me aware of the things i need ro realize for a better change and hopefully the last time...

I’m not interested in your story or perception. I’m focused on TRUTH. 

Any “better change” is only an attempt for a short-term solution that must then be repeated and maintained. 

Understanding Self is going to really spare you from a lot of the stories you spin to yourself implicitly or explicitly. You’ll still have stories, but they won’t necessarily be YOU.

[Breakingthewall]

@PataFoiFoi

my opinion (which may be wrong but since you ask for it I give it) what happens to you is that you have been swimming against the current. You have made the archetype of entrepreneurial success yours, and you have wanted to materialize your ideal, when you have not really looked within yourself to know what your path really is. you have played a game that is not yours and nothing has flowed. My advice is to stop, stop thinking, forget about the future. Look inside, discover who you are. do meditation retreats, whatever it takes, the time that's necessary. 

 

[PeaceOut96]

6 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

@PataFoiFoi

my opinion (which may be wrong but since you ask for it I give it) what happens to you is that you have been swimming against the current. You have made the archetype of entrepreneurial success yours, and you have wanted to materialize your ideal, when you have not really looked within yourself to know what your path really is. you have played a game that is not yours and nothing has flowed. My advice is to stop, stop thinking, forget about the future. Look inside, discover who you are. do meditation retreats, whatever it takes, the time that's necessary. 

 

This ^^

[PataFoiFoi]

@PeaceOut96 ahh man thats a really tough pill to swallow. I am aware that most things or life in general cant be controlled u just have to accept anything that comes along the way and got no choice but to accept it. Saddening but i have no choice.

[PeaceOut96]

@PataFoiFoi

You need to examine the cause of your mental decline and burnout and on the same time take it super easy, and truly be good towards yourself. In the end you are the only one that can do it, no one can do it for you. They can help, pin point etc. But its all your Consciousness in the end. So do whatever is necessary to rise again, only this time you throw all the garbage out that you have being filling your mind. Be yourself and shine. 

[Yimpa]

Just now, PataFoiFoi said:

I am aware that most things or life in general cant be controlled u just have to accept anything that comes along the way and got no choice but to accept it. Saddening but i have no choice.

Who told you that this is absolutely true?

[PeaceOut96]

1 minute ago, PataFoiFoi said:

@PeaceOut96 ahh man thats a really tough pill to swallow. I am aware that most things or life in general cant be controlled u just have to accept anything that comes along the way and got no choice but to accept it. Saddening but i have no choice.

I know its super humbling to the ego. But the ego have never been in control. You need to move past that and the only reason for your diffucultity of acceptning this is probaly your desire and the sadness of the failed dream you had. Its okay, you will get the Love back, but let go of whatever dreams, desires and hopes you had in your ego. 

[PataFoiFoi]

11 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

@PataFoiFoi

my opinion (which may be wrong but since you ask for it I give it) what happens to you is that you have been swimming against the current. You have made the archetype of entrepreneurial success yours, and you have wanted to materialize your ideal, when you have not really looked within yourself to know what your path really is. you have played a game that is not yours and nothing has flowed. My advice is to stop, stop thinking, forget about the future. Look inside, discover who you are. do meditation retreats, whatever it takes, the time that's necessary. 

 

Thats true my sturborness really kept my swimming against the current. Im starting to realize that some things that you are striving for in life arent destined for you or not the right thing. Yeah i think ill turn my gaze on the inside and flow with the time and life. 

[Yimpa]

3 minutes ago, PeaceOut96 said:

In the end you are the only one that can do it, no one can do it for you. They can help, pin point etc. But its all your Consciousness in the end. 

Everything is Consciousness. 

Even to say “your Consciousness” is a duality. 

Just now, PataFoiFoi said:

Yeah i think ill turn my gaze on the inside and flow with the time and life. 

Where is inside and outside located?

[PataFoiFoi]

1 minute ago, PeaceOut96 said:

I know its super humbling to the ego. But the ego have never been in control. You need to move past that and the only reason for your diffucultity of acceptning this is probaly your desire and the sadness of the failed dream you had. Its okay, you will get the Love back, but let go of whatever dreams, desires and hopes you had in your ego. 

That might be accomplished but my real problem is trying to understand why misery, suffering and  hardships are prevailing in ones life

[Yimpa]

Just now, PataFoiFoi said:

my real problem is trying to understand why misery, suffering and  hardships are prevailing in ones life

You see it as a problem. I don’t. 

Love is Absolute.

[PataFoiFoi]

4 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

You see it as a problem. I don’t. 

Love is Absolute.

Tell me more im open minded to see it

[PeaceOut96]

2 minutes ago, PataFoiFoi said:

That might be accomplished but my real problem is trying to understand why misery, suffering and  hardships are prevailing in ones life

Only you can become conscious of that. But my take is this, the human mind can get itself in a very twisted mode of functioning due to trauma, lack of self understand and lack of love that has taking place in your entire life. So its a difficult, humbling and very hard process to undergoe. Either you try to find your happiness and motivations in mundane things like the rest of the population or you take the journey inwards. Your choice. 

[Moksha]

It's true you can't control destiny at the individual level, but you can learn to control whether or not you resist what happens. In the absence of judgment, it is all just energy flowing through you. In that way you can choose to be free.

[Breakingthewall]

7 minutes ago, PataFoiFoi said:

That might be accomplished but my real problem is trying to understand why misery, suffering and  hardships are prevailing in ones life

It is very important to read the signs that life sends you, know how to interpret them, and be flexible. the essential thing is to really know what you have to do, where you have to concentrate your strength, and do it. It has to be a total inspiration, without a doubt. and then see if reality is flowing in your direction. everything is a matter of reading reality, rather than strength

[tuku747]

Because you haven't yet realized that it's actually heaven? I invite you to realize this, if you are open to experiencing heaven on earth.

[Yimpa]

3 minutes ago, PataFoiFoi said:

Tell me more im open minded to see it

Sure. Look at this:

12 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

You see it as a problem. I don’t. 

Notice how it says “Yimpa said”.

However, notice how these two statements have said countless times in countless different contexts. 

If that is the case, who actually said what, and who is correct and incorrect?

[Jowblob]

34 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

You see it as a problem. I don’t. 

Love is Absolute.

Funny joker guy that sits on his goverment benefits and says things like this, you should be ashamed