Why i cant be with a girl that truly loves me

[evgn]

Long story short

I've been in a relationship with a girl for 1 year.  That was my only serious girlfriend that i had, its not that i didnt have  options before that but that girl really was my dream girl.

Eveyrthing was fine in the begining but afterwards i started feeling like i am in trap the more love she was giving me the more i was resenting her. 

At some point it was too much for me and i decided to broke up with her.

We didnt break contact because we hang out in same social circles. 

9 months later until now i told her that i still want to be with her and she told me that she still loves me.

We decided to get back together.

I immediately started to feel like before, the same feeling that i am in prison with her and i don't have control over my life if i am in relationship with her. So i told her that i cannot do it because i will broke her hearth again. 

 

Why i cannot be with a gril that trully loves me, nobody ever loved me like that, she is model looking, kind, young, ambitious, amazing person. She would be the perfect wife for my kids.

 

I think that there is something wrong with me here, there is 0 reasons for me not to be with her and still i can't. I dont know wheter my feelings for her are strong but for sure she is a perfect partner.

Is it because i cannot accept love?

 

Edited May 1, 2023 by evgn

[universe]

What's your relationship with your parents and how is their relationship?

[evgn]

1 hour ago, universe said:

What's your relationship with your parents and how is their relationship?

If you are refering to receiving love from them growing up, i think so.

[universe]

I mean like what do you think about their relationship and their relationship to you. How do you view relationships in general?

[museumoftrees]

It probably has to do with your attachment style. I think you are a fearful avoidant. Take an attachment quiz and work on your psyche.

[evgn]

2 hours ago, universe said:

I mean like what do you think about their relationship and their relationship to you. How do you view relationships in general?

Actually this is a very good quesiton. When i think about it i've never seen them like romantic partners but more likely people who live togheter and nothing more.

[evgn]

6 minutes ago, museumoftrees said:

It probably has to do with your attachment style. I think you are a fearful avoidant. Take an attachment quiz and work on your psyche.

Actually i think i am avoidant attachment style

[museumoftrees]

1 hour ago, evgn said:

Actually i think i am avoidant attachment style

Yeah maybe that would make more sense! Only you know

[Raze]

get ifs therapy 
 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dIHE4hiS9a4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhWx9lHPjik

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V50pBRDLVUo

 

Edited May 2, 2023 by Raze

[integral]

Are you stressed about other things in life and feel its not time to be with someone when you haven't got your life together yet? 

Edited May 2, 2023 by integral

[meta_male]

23 hours ago, evgn said:

I think that there is something wrong with me here, there is 0 reasons for me not to be with her and still i can't. I dont know wheter my feelings for her are strong but for sure she is a perfect partner.

Is it because i cannot accept love?

@evgn It sounds like there are at least two conflicting parts inside you and depending on whether you're in a relationship or not, the part who doesn't have its needs met is the one you're identified with.

[evgn]

3 hours ago, integral said:

Are you stressed about other things in life and feel its not time to be with someone when you haven't got your life together yet? 

I haven't figured out my career and my life goals, and i am 28 years old.

[evgn]

3 hours ago, meta_male said:

@evgn It sounds like there are at least two conflicting parts inside you and depending on whether you're in a relationship or not, the part who doesn't have its needs met is the one you're identified with.

On one hand i want to be with that girl because i know that if i lose my chances with her now she would surely find somebody else.

On the other hand i know that i want to figure out my life because i am almost 30.. So i have very big conlflict in my head..

[meta_male]

@evgn Yeah I get you, I've encountered this problem too. In fact, I'm dealing with it in IFS therapy at the moment, can recommend.

1 hour ago, evgn said:

On one hand i want to be with that girl because i know that if i lose my chances with her now she would surely find somebody else.

This is not strong enough of a reason to be with someone. Not in a conscious, loving way anyway. The thought of losing her to someone else is driven by fear, what do you reckon?

Edited May 2, 2023 by meta_male

[integral]

2 hours ago, evgn said:

I haven't figured out my career and my life goals, and i am 28 years old.

2 hours ago, evgn said:

On one hand i want to be with that girl because i know that if i lose my chances with her now she would surely find somebody else.

On the other hand i know that i want to figure out my life because i am almost 30.. So i have very big conlflict in my head..

Do you think the reason you keep breaking up with her is because your goals in life are center focus and you feel she is holding you back, there is anxiaty and your projecting that anxiaty on her. 

Edited May 2, 2023 by integral

[evgn]

29 minutes ago, integral said:

Do you think the reason you keep breaking up with her is because your goals in life are center focus and you feel she is holding you back, there is anxiaty and your projecting that anxiaty on her. 

That's correct.

[integral]

9 minutes ago, evgn said:

That's correct.

If this is the case I think its a reasonable idea catch yourself projecting your stress onto her. Its like you subconsciously blaming her or blaming others for not achieving your goals yet. Got to learn to sit with your feelings more and identify what they are trying to communicate to you instead of reacting to them and projecting them. 

Edited May 2, 2023 by integral

[evgn]

I also watched video about avoidant attachment style and i identify my behaviour as person with that tendencies.

[Raze]

8 hours ago, evgn said:

I also watched video about avoidant attachment style and i identify my behaviour as person with that tendencies.

You can heal it with ifs therapy 

[StarStruck]

She is giving you something that you are not giving to yourself and that is why you are resentful. 

If you wait until you figured out life you can wait a whole life time. Problems will never stop coming. It is about how you deal with the problems: avoiding versus confronting.