Met Ex-Gf, now I'm confused

[lfvd95]

Aight Lads
So my Ex broke up with me around mid-December. I'm very social and had developed really good pick up skills thoruhg the last 5 years.
I met this girl, who started out by telling me all of her red flags - like her whole family having a history of cheating except for her, having been in an abuse relationship since she was 15 with a guy eight years her senior, having nightmares every night, and being sorrounded by toxic people, her friends saying she's manipulative etx - which I promptly decided to ignore and ended up in a relationship with her. A few weeks into the relationships I become incredebly anxious and subject to intrusive thoughts about her leaving me when there was no evidence for it. She was very nice, sweet ans supportive, but as should be obvious, my emotional, clingy and needy behaviour made her attraction drop.  In addition to the massive anxiety dissorder, I sometimes didn't like the way she was treating me. 
I did some things wrong, namely, ignore the red flags, get into the raltionship too soon without seeing if we were compatible, not being centred around my life, and following pick up ideals in order to keep a woman, mainly Corey Waynes stuff (nothing to bad, but I was trying to follow a script).  Never the less, this girl broke up with me, left me crying on the street, and when I went to my buddies to get some emotional support, she calls me screaming about how dare I leave her alone on her birthday. I go running to her house, after she verbally abused me on the phone and try to talk to her by listening to her, but all she does is cream and call me an idiot, and I take it like an idiot. We managed to fix things, but then I told her I had slept with my best friend who lives in another continent a few years ago and she flipped out and dumped me. She then proceeded to call me to tell me how I was the worst thing that had ever happened to her, how I was responsible for everything that was wrong in the realtionships and how it had only originally worked out because of her. I never fought back, I jsut wanted to fix things, I tried to listen to her but she just said I was incapable of understanding and that I am dumb. (with 145Iq and my independent philosophical and spiritual work I know that is not the case). It got so bad I just hung up, went to her house to give her all the shit she had gotten me. I came back home and sent ther the following message: 
"I went to your place to get the Ps2, but there was no one there, so I left the rest of the stuff I had to give to you. Don't worry about the Ps2 anymore. Do whatever you want with it. I thought you were the one for me when I first saw you; it was all so magical. And I had a really good time with you the last few months. I've loved you more than anyone else. It makes me incredebly sad that things between us had to end, and end like this... I really thought we made a great couple. I feel horrible that I hurt you, that I broke your trust and wasn't able to understand you, that I wasnt there when you needed me. I never hurt you intentionally - yet I am deeply sorry. All I can do is learn from these mistakes and overcome my ignorance and deficiencies if I can.
I have also been very hurt and havent felt like you really cared much about what I'm going through.
I hate this thing ending on such a bad note. You are an amazing girl and will always remember you fondly in my heart. I meant everything I said to you...
Alas, I see no more point in trying to fix, resolve or communicate any longer. I felt awful, guilty and like I'm the worst person ever, the last few times we spoke. So I'm going to stop any communication now. I hope you live well, that you achieve everything you want and have a lot of happiness in your life.
Thanks for everything. I love you."
She called me, and since I expected more verbal abuse, I blocked her. We did't speak for around five months.
 

I've had suicidal thoughts, because maybe she was right and I was the worst person there is. I just felt so guilty and aweful, like I had lost someone truly great this time. I've read books, watched videos, went to therapy, and  done all that good stuff. I never blamed her, and always took responisbility for what I did - after all, that the only thing I have ocntrol over. I talked with some of my friends about how I was feeling or whatever, but most of them live in other countries.
In any case I was just very confused about what happened, what I did wrong; constatnly doubting if I would ever be able to be in a relationship again, since I'm afraid I'll become anxious again or that the person will turn out to be a crazy.
In any case, I never blamed her. I never asked about her when I saw her friends, to whom I was friendly, and I didn't try to contact her at all even when I really wanted to, because of fear that she would yell at me.
With time I started thinking that maybe she had been gaslighting me at the end and projecting her insecurities on to me. But not being sure I just kept trying to get over her.
So I come accross her at the Gym the other day, and I just say Hi very surprised. She said it back and left ( we met at the entrance)
Then on another day I spent a few hours with her room mate at a small university gathering. I never mentioned or talked about this girl until the very end, when I told her room mate to say hi to her and the other room mate from me.
Then, the next day, I see her and her sister. The first time around I ignored them because I was just very nervous. But then I saw them a second time. I didn't want to have a bad relationships with her, I didn't want to have to worry about seeing her somewhere, or being on bad terms. So I decided to be friendly and wave at them from afar. Then I kept walking with a friend I was with. I stop and tell him I miss her a lot, and low and behold, she walks towards me with the bigest smile I've ever seen. I think to myself, maybe she want to be make up, or maybe she's thought things through and wants to get back together. We go through some pleasentaries and then, with her smile still on, she tells me: please stop telling people bad things about me. I am baffled, I have no clue what she's going on about and doubt if I 've said anythign bad about her. I try to think back to all the people I've talked about her with. I weakly respond: "I havent told anyone anything bad about you." But she insists and I tell her I'll stop mentioning her. She then turns around, smiling all the while, and I am left there standing speenchless, in surprise and dissapointement, confused and both sad and angry - both at her because this interaction is our relationship in a nutshel, and at myself for not standing up for myself, for being weak and not responding something along the lines of: I have better stuff to do than talk about you.
I'm confused, I feel sad, I'm angry, I'm frustrated and also afraid of seeing her again. Split on whether I should confront her or not.
I just want to get over her, I want to heal and get into a good relationship when the time is right. 
But I doubt my own experience, I don't know if I'm a bad person, or dumb, or whatever. I don't know if she's a narcisist or whatever, but there is something in me that is reluctant to blame her.
Please help

[integral]

I just had a great discussion about this very thing in another thread

The conversation quickly moves away from spiral dynamics and into relationship with people with childhood trauma. It might have many of the answers your looking for.

---

3 hours ago, lfvd95 said:

've had suicidal thoughts, because maybe she was right and I was the worst person there is. I just felt so guilty and aweful, like I had lost someone truly great this time. I've read books, watched videos, went to therapy, and  done all that good stuff. I never blamed her, and always took responisbility for what I did - after all, that the only thing I have ocntrol over. I talked with some of my friends about how I was feeling or whatever, but most of them live in other countries.
In any case I was just very confused about what happened, what I did wrong; constatnly doubting if I would ever be able to be in a relationship again, since I'm afraid I'll become anxious again or that the person will turn out to be a crazy.
In any case, I never blamed her. I never asked about her when I saw her friends, to whom I was friendly, and I didn't try to contact her at all even when I really wanted to, because of fear that she would yell at me.
With time I started thinking that maybe she had been gaslighting me at the end and projecting her insecurities on to me. But not being sure I just kept trying to get over her.
So I come accross her at the Gym the other day, and I just say Hi very surprised. She said it back and left ( we met at the entrance)
Then on another day I spent a few hours with her room mate at a small university gathering. I never mentioned or talked about this girl until the very end, when I told her room mate to say hi to her and the other room mate from me.
Then, the next day, I see her and her sister. The first time around I ignored them because I was just very nervous. But then I saw them a second time. I didn't want to have a bad relationships with her, I didn't want to have to worry about seeing her somewhere, or being on bad terms. So I decided to be friendly and wave at them from afar. Then I kept walking with a friend I was with. I stop and tell him I miss her a lot, and low and behold, she walks towards me with the bigest smile I've ever seen. I think to myself, maybe she want to be make up, or maybe she's thought things through and wants to get back together. We go through some pleasentaries and then, with her smile still on, she tells me: please stop telling people bad things about me. I am baffled, I have no clue what she's going on about and doubt if I 've said anythign bad about her. I try to think back to all the people I've talked about her with. I weakly respond: "I havent told anyone anything bad about you." But she insists and I tell her I'll stop mentioning her. She then turns around, smiling all the while, and I am left there standing speenchless, in surprise and dissapointement, confused and both sad and angry - both at her because this interaction is our relationship in a nutshel, and at myself for not standing up for myself, for being weak and not responding something along the lines of: I have better stuff to do than talk about you.
I'm confused, I feel sad, I'm angry, I'm frustrated and also afraid of seeing her again. Split on whether I should confront her or not.
I just want to get over her, I want to heal and get into a good relationship when the time is right. 
But I doubt my own experience, I don't know if I'm a bad person, or dumb, or whatever. I don't know if she's a narcisist or whatever, but there is something in me that is reluctant to blame her.
Please help

In short she had major childhood trauma that she brought into the relationships she had with you, not a single thing that happened in this relationshps was your fault besides that you are needy, the real issue with this is you let her walk all over you and believe the paranoid false accusations she invented about you. You did nothing wrong and did not deserve this, it happened because she has major unresolved trauma. The topic i sent covers all this in more detail so i wont re-explain it all here. 

The only issue you have is your a strong people pleaser and the neediness of not being abandoned made it so you refused to accept the relationships was unhealthy and the right decision was to go your separate ways. It was healthy you guys split up, she is going to be a nightmare to deal with for all her future relationships, it was not your fault and youll come to emotionally understand this in your next relationship that will be with someone whos psychologically more stable.

Being attracted to women who fall madly in love with you is a common trap, they love bomb you and addict you to them until they pull it all away with out warning leaving you desperate and heart broken.

Quote

please stop telling people bad things about me.

Very common for people with BPD to feel this way all the time about everyone. It has nothing to do with you. They are deeply insecure. They have selective negative memory and warp all of reality to fit there bad memory, its explained in the other topic. 

Edited April 29, 2023 by integral

[lfvd95]

@integral Thank you so very much. This answer has been very helpful! I'll check the other thread you sent to me.
I need to keep working on my neediness and fear of abandonment issues, but after much thought, I honestly did the best I could, I was always kind (too kind) and never argued with her, even when she insisted.
I feel relieved and happy thanks to your answer.
We both live in a small student town in Germany, so it'll be hard to avoid her. But rather than be friendly and say hi, I think I'll just ignore her from now on. No need to give her another opening for drama or toxic shit.

[Raze]

ttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0ctRMR8qXM 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmNbrlmn00w

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7p3-MJJm_R0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=29OGEGj2X-c

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3miuaOWsj8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5qdBMIaS_c

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eit85FAj4wg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLH7yUwkBPg

Use these to move on

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVqANXVTLN4

http://happinessbeyondthought.blogspot.com/2012/05/surrendering-i-letting-go-of-suffering.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MU1Rp184IT4

Edited April 30, 2023 by Raze

[meta_male]

On 29.4.2023 at 11:51 AM, lfvd95 said:

mainly Corey Waynes stuff

This guy's advice works really well if you want to attract the most shallow, immature and toxic women.

On 29.4.2023 at 11:51 AM, lfvd95 said:

But I doubt my own experience, I don't know if I'm a bad person, or dumb, or whatever. I don't know if she's a narcisist or whatever, but there is something in me that is reluctant to blame her.

This is an indicator that you might have been gaslit. Your confidence was crushed by this girl, she probably was pretty good of putting on an act and playing the victim and exploiting your neediness. It doesn't matter if this girl was a narcissist or not, she treated you like shit.

[integral]

 

[Israfil]

Is this your first heartbreak? Seems like it. Don't worry. This will heal.

[lfvd95]

@Israfil  No man, I'm 27, I've had 5 other relationships. This is not my first rodeo, but it was something else; this girl really fucked my up like no one I've ever met. I saw her on the bus yesterday and I jenuinly got scared, I get all panicky and afraid. It's ridiculous since I'm 7 years older and like 30 kg heavier, but this little woman still makes me almost shit  my pants, I think something in me is just trying to avoid further abuse...

[lfvd95]

Even a few months after all this I still feel traumatized i.e., mentally and emotionally hurt by this. For the last few weeks I thought I was angry at her, like pissed, but having seen how I reacted to just seeing her again yesterday I realize that I'm hust and afraid. It really brought me down and I realize I'm not over her, I'm still stuck and I don't know what to do. My self esteem  and confidence have not recovered, I hate her (and don't want to!) but I also kind of miss her in some way. I think abou her constantly, about how I would tell her off or whatever because of my anger and other stuff. I just want this chapter of my life to be over.  Does anyone have any advice or resources on what I can do?
Thanks for all of your support.

Edited June 23, 2023 by lfvd95

[integral]

2 hours ago, lfvd95 said:

Even a few months after all this I still feel traumatized i.e., mentally and emotionally hurt by this. For the last few weeks I thought I was angry at her, like pissed, but having seen how I reacted to just seeing her again yesterday I realize that I'm hust and afraid. It really brought me down and I realize I'm not over her, I'm still stuck and I don't know what to do. My self esteem  and confidence have not recovered, I hate her (and don't want to!) but I also kind of miss her in some way. I think abou her constantly, about how I would tell her off or whatever because of my anger and other stuff. I just want this chapter of my life to be over.  Does anyone have any advice or resources on what I can do?
Thanks for all of your support.

This is normal withdrawal symptoms, for relationships where there was strong love bombing from the woman then emotional manipulation.

Its going to heal on its own over time, its a automatic process, no magic solution.

Its best to move on with a new (healthy) gf, then when in this new relationship after a few months you'll look back and be able to think about that old relationship with out the negative emotions, sober. 

[integral]

On 6/7/2023 at 9:17 AM, Israfil said:

Is this your first heartbreak? Seems like it. Don't worry. This will heal.

That's a misconception, what happened was he was put in a position where he had to constantly please her or else she (BPD) accused/blamed him for something negative, sometimes he did nothing or was just talking casually and she would get triggered for no reason and blame him. So he learned to walk on egg shells around her and do everything he could to keep her happy. Its a issue people with people pleasing issues and empathy fall for. They get stuck in damage control mode with someone where attached to and it warps ones personality to be more like them, you become more like them, more unstable and emotional. Then it takes months/years to get back to baseline. 

Edited June 23, 2023 by integral

[lfvd95]

@lfvd95 Thank you so much for your support! I really appriciate it!!!

[lfvd95]

@meta_male thanks for you comment

 

Btw. Why do you think Corey Wayne's stuff only attracts shallow, immature, toxic women? Atrer all, he claims the opposite to be the case: that his way weeds out the unstable ones, who supposedly don't react well to it (in this case, this girl had a real problem with me only using my phone to set dates) I won't agree or disagree, because I know his stuff works on some women, but I want to understand your perspective and maybe learn about alternatives that are better.

 

[SOUL]

I will mostly frame this in the context of romantic relationships but it is generally accurate about almost everyone so we can be aware of it when we interact with others.

I have found that people will reveal to us so much about themselves when they are talking about others, especially past relationships. We will learn how they will talk about us to others and about us as a past/present relationship. So when we meet someone and specifically in the case of someone we may view romantically listen closely to what they say about others and their past relationships.

It doesn't mean it's always a red flag if they have anything negative to say about others or their past relationships but be aware of how they talk about these others and what they say about themselves in the context of the circumstances and narrative they are portraying. This gives insight into how they think now and how they likely will tell it presently, not what they think and say of it in the past or the future, though.

We can even apply this to ourselves, be aware of how we view our own relations and what we say about them. The aspects of the circumstances we highlight or ignore, the narratives we create about them and how we portray them. I've been aware of this for a very long time and even catch my own mind trying to 'tell stories' about past, present and future people and situations that I will not believe because it's just self bias.

Also, be aware of how we 'tell stories' about others to others, it will give insight even to oneself about how we think about and view it all. It will help to interrupt the reflexive bias the mind will conjure up and allow us an opportunity to view things in clarity.

Finally, don't beat yourself up because of this, even as I have said all this stuff about being aware of how people tell the stories of the things in their life it does seem like you take some responsibility for them though they might not be yours to claim.

[Sucuk Ekmek]

I am sorry got nothing positive to say, you are dumb, set your standards man.

[lfvd95]

@SOUL Thanks, I appriciate it!

[Hojo]

Never let a woman control you. Be your own man this woman is a psychopath and you are too weak to see it and its making you one. You are picking up on her insane thoughts and thinking they are your own.

Next time you start hanging out with someone a lot and your thought patterns change notice it and see thats what they think not you. And then leave if they are psychotic its a succubus

Edited July 30, 2023 by Hojo