Journal

[centacdogma]

4/26/23

I feel like shit. I've been restarting the life purpose course for like the last 2 years because I keep thinking that my  answers aren't clear enough. I feel that they're too broad or non specific. I think its just a bunch of self deception and some type of perfectionistic tendency. Maybe its me being too afraid to take the next steps and actually make it happen. 

When I look at my goals I feel nothing. I only feel a spark when I redo the process from scratch, but since I have my old answers saved I just try to combine them which is time consuming and draining.  Its like I'm obsessed with getting it right. Its made me neglect my health a bit. I don't exercise as much or do my homework. I feel like I can't focus on one thing thought because I still let myself be distracted by shit like YouTube. 

My self esteem feels pretty low and I hate my body. I've been dieting for a while but I think I lowered my BMR too much to the point where doing a energy deficit would be really unhealthy for me. So I feel stuck being fat. Well not fat since my BMI is considered healthy but my body composition is mostly fat and very little muscle. I hate working out though, I hate the feeling of not putting in enough effort and being disappointed in myself. I feel like I never do enough lol. I am aware that this is a negative thought pattern that I need to address though. Like how do I set the right expectations that still make me feel like I've done enough. 

At the very least, I've been using an app called Waking Up and I've been doing that consistently for the past 10 days. I have a lot of trouble staying consistent with my goals. I've wondered if not having goals or a to do list would be good for my mental health and self esteem since I wouldn't be  obligating myself to do something as harshly.