crying journal

[lostingenosmaze]

Men Keep Killing Themselves

[lostingenosmaze]

 

If I'm feeling bad, that doesn't mean I'm doing bad. That doesn't mean I am bad.

[lostingenosmaze]

 

The way we judge ourselves is the worst judge that ever existed. In your whole life nobody has abused you more than you have abused yourself. And the limit of your self-abuse is exactly the limit you will tolerate from someone else.

If someone else abuses you a little more than you abuse yourself, you'll probably walk away from that person. But if someone abuses you a little less than you abuse yourself, you'll probably stay in the relationship and tolerate it endlessly. 

If you abuse yourself very badly you can even tolerate someone who beats up, humiliates you, and treats you like dirt.

Why? Because in your belief system you say: "I deserve it. This person is doing me a favor by being with me. I'm not worthy of love and respect. I'm not good enough."

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The time I spend with you, who smashes through the everyday
Is such an easy thing that it shouldn’t be allowed
But then it got weird; saying insincere things like “I want to be at peace" 
Is just no good

Anywhere you go, it’s simple; I understood everything up to this point
I sit down, and I’m unable to walk
If it’s not just the first, if there are no limits,
It’s likely I’ll be able to go anywhere

Going far, going far, the memory of the taste of water
Losing sight of the street, passing the night away
Going far, going far, forget about the me who can’t move

I wanted to know that I don’t know
I didn’t learn anything
The water pressure is gradually stopping me form moving; again, I’m dreaming the dream of a butterfly
I wanted to come to like something, but I couldn’t come to like anything
When “correct” became the ideal,
I was left behind by it
And I couldn’t catch up

The time that was supposed to pass normally,
Feels as as long as tens of years
Since the crawling me, with a headache from oversleeping,
Can’t bring myself to go anywhere

Anywhere you go, there’s naivete; there was only that
Don’t dress it up, I want to share it after all
Your shadow got lost somewhere, and I also lost sight of it
It’s starting to look like another sleepless night

If I ask something like "What do you want do,”
It’s returned with something like “Nothing’s up right now”
Can’t you say anything else to me anymore?
Today’s meal, the places I want to go to,
Anything, no matter what I choose, I just can’t understand

Going far, going far, the memory of the taste of water
Losing sight of the street, passing the night away
Going far, going far, forget about the me who can’t move

Looking at your profile, I felt like I found my weak point
I’m screaming that I want to be saved, but I’m sure I’m already garbage

Ideological offenses have long since been stopped
“I can’t understand” is what I have understood
Incoherent rambling words, I’ll never be rid of them
I’m afraid of adhering to conventional expectations,
So much so that I feel like I’m going to cry
If I look at my own depravity in the mirror,
It’s incredibly flimsy
It was the incredibly flimsy me

It’s me
It was just me

[lostingenosmaze]

 

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Edited January 27, 2024 by lostingenosmaze

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[lostingenosmaze]

Nostalgia's a powerful drug

 

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