Spiral Dynamics and Relationship Compatibility

[integral]

@theleelajoker Fantastic, let the new ideas settle for a while 

[theleelajoker]

So funny how easy it is to get lost in the divine drama.

 I once thought I figured it out and then - boom, back again. This time "waking up" was actually quite ironic because (unintentionally) I did not sleep much for a while.  I got kind of "high" from that, and then a lot of things clicked. After some sleep I am back to "normal state of consciousness" but some learnings remain...or at least, so I believe now  

One thing I love about forums is a) all the perspectives I get from other people and b) that I can go back and see what I wrote - my thoughts, feelings etc. So there is no denial, just a real good look at my stories and construction of "reality".

@everybody that took time to reply & especially @integral - thanks for the support. Much needed, much appreciated.

I'll go play a bit in maya Gonna see my gf tonight and I am really looking forward. No drama, no meta talk, no trauma - just enjoying the moment and the small things like watching her smile, laughing together and cuddling : )

[integral]

15 hours ago, theleelajoker said:

I'll go play a bit in maya Gonna see my gf tonight and I am really looking forward. No drama, no meta talk, no trauma - just enjoying the moment and the small things like watching her smile, laughing together and cuddling : )

Thats the way my man, love is the best therapy. 

Edited April 29, 2023 by integral

[theleelajoker]

Yes, got nothing else to add to that

Except maybe that this evening with her and the time since has been very harmonious

[mike41]

I hate to break it to you, but your girlfriend is in stage red. This is coming from a guy who's wife is in stage red.

> For instance, we have a conflict and I say "Ok, I realize I did this and that etc and I am sorry" while she just goes into accusations towards me and refuses to take responsibility for her actions.

Conflict is personal.. yup.

> or us right now it looks like a constant strech-relax cycle. Things seem fine for a while but I realize more and more that they are not. Every month or so there is a situation where conflict happens and the tensions discharge. Then I see what things she has been holding back in the phase before.  But the core issues are not sufficiently resolved. And the cycle begins again...

Classic red relationship cycle.  You push real hard on point X, she concedes, she minds her P's and Q's for a month and then goes right back to where she was when you've forgotten about it.  She hasn't budged an inch but now you are a month later in the exact same spot.  She wins.

> In this moment, her whole mood changed.  All the easiness, calmness and balance from the retreat went away in one instant. There was an energy as if you blow air into the embers of a fire. She looked at me with fiery eyes, her tone became sharp and she said "But if there is something that makes me feel bad, I will not tolerate it!

You poked her world view, the red came back out.  Alternatively she may have absorbed the retreat in stage Blue fashion (quite literally) and retreated to stage Red when provoked.

> "She also experience things that challenges her beliefs as personal attacks"

Yep... red

> She is also very provocative. Testing the limit of how far she can go. Quite cute when it's playful, but she very often crosses the line and goes beyond what she knows is considered as respectful by me. What you make of that? What is your advice how to handle it?

This is classic red.

> Father seemed to be a narcissist, or at least some narcissistic tendencies. Very impulsive behavior so that the kids had to watch out every moment to not do anything wrong

Dad was clear stage red.

You have multiple things working against you seeing this situation for what it is -

Projection - you want to believe that others are more aware than they are because it fits your world view

Deception - Red is level where manipulation and blending in and subtly getting your way are the highest skills possible.  Your gf is an expert at repeating back to you what you want to hear.  And you are quite willing to believe it.

Unfamiliarity - If you grew up in a family that was Blue or better you may not have been exposed to adult Red personalities.  Tough to see if you've never seen it but once you start connecting the dots it's easy to spot.

Denial - You really want your gf to be more aware than she is because you like her.  

If you disagree that she is stage red, consider this - has she really demonstrated qualities of blue, orange or green beyond the trivial?  Are there rules and principles she lives her life by?  Is she thinking hard about how to make life better?  Are there causes she puts time and effort into?

[blackchair]

9 hours ago, mike41 said:

I hate to break it to you, but your girlfriend is in stage red. This is coming from a guy who's wife is in stage red.

> For instance, we have a conflict and I say "Ok, I realize I did this and that etc and I am sorry" while she just goes into accusations towards me and refuses to take responsibility for her actions.

Conflict is personal.. yup.

> or us right now it looks like a constant strech-relax cycle. Things seem fine for a while but I realize more and more that they are not. Every month or so there is a situation where conflict happens and the tensions discharge. Then I see what things she has been holding back in the phase before.  But the core issues are not sufficiently resolved. And the cycle begins again...

Classic red relationship cycle.  You push real hard on point X, she concedes, she minds her P's and Q's for a month and then goes right back to where she was when you've forgotten about it.  She hasn't budged an inch but now you are a month later in the exact same spot.  She wins.

> In this moment, her whole mood changed.  All the easiness, calmness and balance from the retreat went away in one instant. There was an energy as if you blow air into the embers of a fire. She looked at me with fiery eyes, her tone became sharp and she said "But if there is something that makes me feel bad, I will not tolerate it!

You poked her world view, the red came back out.  Alternatively she may have absorbed the retreat in stage Blue fashion (quite literally) and retreated to stage Red when provoked.

> "She also experience things that challenges her beliefs as personal attacks"

Yep... red

> She is also very provocative. Testing the limit of how far she can go. Quite cute when it's playful, but she very often crosses the line and goes beyond what she knows is considered as respectful by me. What you make of that? What is your advice how to handle it?

This is classic red.

> Father seemed to be a narcissist, or at least some narcissistic tendencies. Very impulsive behavior so that the kids had to watch out every moment to not do anything wrong

Dad was clear stage red.

You have multiple things working against you seeing this situation for what it is -

Projection - you want to believe that others are more aware than they are because it fits your world view

Deception - Red is level where manipulation and blending in and subtly getting your way are the highest skills possible.  Your gf is an expert at repeating back to you what you want to hear.  And you are quite willing to believe it.

Unfamiliarity - If you grew up in a family that was Blue or better you may not have been exposed to adult Red personalities.  Tough to see if you've never seen it but once you start connecting the dots it's easy to spot.

Denial - You really want your gf to be more aware than she is because you like her.  

If you disagree that she is stage red, consider this - has she really demonstrated qualities of blue, orange or green beyond the trivial?  Are there rules and principles she lives her life by?  Is she thinking hard about how to make life better?  Are there causes she puts time and effort into?

I'm SO glad I'm single.

[theleelajoker]

@integral and @mike41 You two are spot on with everything.

I will break up tomorrow. It is actually scary HOW spot on you are, both of you, with everything that you said since the first messages. So spot on in describing her behavior and also my perspective, my projections, my denial etc.

THANKS A LOT for sharing your point of view.

 

Long story short what happened:

Things went well for a few months, we made progress and she got even got into painting again (her way of dealing with her trauma) but then there was a turning point - meeting the family. Since then the whole thing took a sharp turn and it just does not make sense anymore. No progress, no love, n o intimacy, just drama, accusation, fights, etc.

What I can say: I grew A LOT during this time, found many shadows and confronted them. Me and her had some great times, too. Hope she finds good therapy.