How To Get Over A Guy I'm Still Madly In Love With?

[Shir]

Hey Everyone !

First of all I would like to mention how wonderful Leo is and how I'm thankful for these forums and to everyone that's been brave enough to have shared their own story, struggles and feelings <3 What a wonderful community you all are !

To try and make this as short as possible, my personal problem is that I'm still madly in love with this man who is 3 years my senior (I'm 24) and we had what you would call a non-conventional relationship. Nothing illegal nor immoral of course but unconventional nonetheless (basically had a romantic relationship that came to an end before we got to meet - HE dumped me). What happened was, we'd known each other online for literally 10 years on and off and kept in contact no matter what; even when we both thought we lost each other. Mind you, this was before any smart phones so you can imagine that it wasn't as easy nor had any instant gratification flare to it all the time. I knew I grew feelings for him over the years and when he confessed his love for me at the beginning of the last two years (so basically after 8 years) - you better believe I naturally spilled my feelings as well and naturally fell in love with this man. From that point on, we talked literally almost every day if not everyday and you can only imagine that all that was missing was actually having each other physically (I mean in the sense of being able to hug and feel each other). We would talk about everything and anything and he literally meant everything to me. We of course had technical issues as of course we wanted to meet up and see for a fact if we had the same chemistry in person and see how things grew, but that only came about after we confessed our feelings. I'm personally not from the US and sadly got denied a VISA. I knew it wasn't forever but he understood that I did my best of course at the time with what I had. He was too busy trying to finish Grad school at the time and me being supportive of it, I never pressured him to come here instead.

I would like to please say that this man even talked about marriage and rings and how I would like my hand to be asked in marriage ect (he was VERY interested in knowing my personal feeling and opinions about this) and even said he felt like I'm the one...and I honestly felt the same. I cannot even begin to put into words how much he means to me. You can guess how devastated I was once he ended the relationship on a less than kind note as well. I felt like it started to die on his side (even though I stayed pretty much the same and never wavered in my emotions) and as time went by (it felt like a very painful and slow death to me. It started with him not returning any "I love you" anymore...told me to literally stop calling him by his pet name (nothing offensive to begin with and he accepted it all this time) and he got more and more emotionally distant from me.

I'm sure any other women reading this can know how heartbreaking this is, especially coming from a man whom you feel is everything for you and means the world.

For reference, I'm a woman that literally never had a bf before and never gets asked out,never kissed anyone or been sexual with anyone (I have desires and urges of course yes - I'm not asexual). I will admit I am a friendly person by nature and try my best to take care of myself and present myself to the world in a good fashion for my age and you know, be me and cute as I can..so I'm not an actual hermit but I realize that it does pain me, the fact that no one really cares enough to approach me nor ask me out ect.

So you can only imagine how deeply I fell into this and this is all really and truly a very hard thing in my life right now. It's been literally a year since we stopped talking (I cannot for the life of me send a text as I'm beyond hurt). This man turned into a whole 180 towards the end, suddenly claiming (after ME having to milk this info out of him) that he has no feelings for me anymore and isn't interested in me anymore.

I realize that there are MANY other man in the world but what truly pains me is that I know there is only one of...him. For lack of a better word. I know this may sound stupid but it's a huge part of my heartbreak because I felt such a deep connection with him and given the fact that no one actually wants me here nor even gives me the time of day to get to know me...it feels like I'll literally be alone forever romantically. Although it's been a full year without contact, I know deep down in my heart that I still love this man just the same - no matter the amount of pain nor anger that I felt beforehand during all this. 

I realize everyone has every right to be happy in their life and I'm not saying he doesn't deserve to do what's best for him, but I wish he were more honest with me because towards the end I asked (feeling my womanly intuition) that he was cheating on me...I even asked if he was suddenly dating someone else and he said "kinda yes" and when I asked more he suddenly said no...but when I mention said woman he said "it's complicated" but they never had sex. So what the fuck? do any of you men understand this behavior??

And, I know this is not a conventional relationship as this was for the full duration of how it lasted - a long-distanced relationship...but I can assure you that I treated and respected it as if it were any other romantic relationship nontheless.

I know you guys might laugh and everything but this all meant a lot to me and I'm still having a REALLY hard time getting over this man. He honestly felt like the one...and still does. I would feel better if I knew that somehow things would work out and that there were other potentional partners for me but since I mentioned that I literally never get asked out (even if I'm the one giving the attention and trying myself) - the chances feel slim. 

I realize that there is SO MUCH more to life than relationships and love and am currently trying to work on myself and trying to work hard at uni...but trust me this is weighing heavy on my heart and I'd be lying if I didn't say that I still cry about this every 2-3 days or so.

Very sorry again for how long this is but trust me this was the shortest version I could make...

Any thoughts, words and solutions would be gladly appreciated ! <333

[Natasha]

@Shir Imagine what he would look like 20 years from now 

[Shir]

@Natasha Haha ! Gosh that's not a bad one at all lol...never thought of it to be honest - thanks for the advice ! 

[Prabhaker]

5 hours ago, Shir said:

How To Get Over A Guy I'm Still Madly In Love With?

Instead of saying “madly in love with” say, “madly want to possess.” It will be more realistic and lovers will not be disillusioned by the relationship. There is a great misunderstanding about love. Basically people are afraid of their loneliness, and because they cannot be alone they cling to the other person like a lifeline. This very clinging makes the other wriggle out of the bondage. 

Possession…everybody goes on trying to possess the beloved, the lover. This is no longer love. In fact, when you possess a person, you hate, you destroy. Love should give you freedom; love is freedom. Love will make the beloved more and more free, love will give wings, and love will open the vast sky. It cannot become a prison, an enclosure.

Another misunderstanding about love is that it should be everlasting. On the contrary love is very fragile, it’s like a breeze, it drifts at will. No love can be permanent and that’s why it is so precious. It is a mystery. The idea that you can only love one person and nobody else is another killer of love. Words like ‘ infidelity, loyalty’ are old fashioned, they strangulate the aliveness of love. 

6 hours ago, Shir said:

I would like to please say that this man even talked about marriage and rings

You are in love with a woman or a man and immediately you start thinking of getting married. Make it a legal contract. Why? How does the law come into love? The law comes into love because love is not there. It is only a fantasy, and you know the fantasy will disappear. Before it disappears settle down, before it disappears do something so it becomes impossible to separate. Love gives freedom. Love that doesn’t give freedom is not love.

[Jhonny]

When men find out that this girl is completely into me. They become dicks. They then try to move on for new challenge. They may feel bad for what they have done.You stopped being a challenge for her. He just got you.
 

Edited March 14, 2017 by Jhonny

[abgespaced]

11 hours ago, Shir said:

How To Get Over A Guy I'm Still Madly In Love With?

1. Meditate

2. Find a better guy

[Natasha]

@Shir You're welcome. Never trust dopamine. No one is worth your sanity 

Edited March 14, 2017 by Natasha

[Nahm]

@Shir It sure seems like the great feeling comes out of that guys body or mind, floats through the air, magically finds it's way into your body and thus you feel great. Sure seems like that's how it works, doesn't it?

[Principium Nexus]

Thanks for writing this done. I think this helps me in my own situation and some things I can relate to.

[Lai]

What a sad story... 

Your true love will come soon, I wish you much happiness!

[Lai]

@Shir here is a flower, just for your heart!