Girl wants to meet but won't plan

[Vrubel]

What does it mean when a girl wants to meet you but actively avoids planning and most annoyingly avoids communicating clearly why at the moment she cannot?

I already slept with this girl two times. The first time was a dominating style and she really got attached, the second time was more intimate and vulnerable. While she obviously enjoyed it she got somewhat detached after that, (maybe she figured that "she can have me" and therefore I am not so high value anymore). Now via text all of her messages are very short and the response time is also disrespectfully long. I told her I have the feeling it's no longer on between us. But then she apologized and told me that she wants to meet. But further, she continues with her long response time and stubby messages avoiding the planning. I even said "Girl, help me out a little" but it didn't really work. I would totally understand if she communicated clearly and gave a good reason but she doesn't bother doing that at all. How should I proceed with this girl? 

[lizz_luna]

What do you mean by maybe she figured that "she can have me", are you guys friends and its more casual?

[Israfil]

19 minutes ago, Vrubel said:

What does it mean when a girl wants to meet you but actively avoids planning and most annoyingly avoids communicating clearly why at the moment she cannot?

I already slept with this girl two times. The first time was a dominating style and she really got attached, the second time was more intimate and vulnerable. While she obviously enjoyed it she got somewhat detached after that, (maybe she figured that "she can have me" and therefore I am not so high value anymore). Now via text all of her messages are very short and the response time is also disrespectfully long. I told her I have the feeling it's no longer on between us. But then she apologized and told me that she wants to meet. But further, she continues with her long response time and stubby messages avoiding the planning. I even said "Girl, help me out a little" but it didn't really work. I would totally understand if she communicated clearly and gave a good reason but she doesn't bother doing that at all. How should I proceed with this girl? 

Let her go. she's not interested.

[Vrubel]

22 minutes ago, lizz_luna said:

What do you mean by maybe she figured that "she can have me", are you guys friends and its more casual?

No, I think it became clear to her that I want her more than she does me. I think I gave up the "player spiel" too early.

Edited April 20, 2023 by Vrubel

[something_else]

The reason is likely that she isn't interested anymore but doesn't want to tell you that directly for whatever reason. Instead of telling you directly that they are not interested a woman may often be somewhat flaky like this. There are good reasons women do this but from a man's POV it's incredibly frustrating.

What you do is just end communication politely and finally and move on with your life. There's a small chance that will inspire her to actually put in effort, but realistically you should not care and just move on.

[Vrubel]

@something_else  Yeah, she doesn't have the heart to say 'It's over' which ironically makes it even more painful as she is dragging it out and giving me hope.

I think about sending her this: I am ending communication because I think it's going nowhere. I really enjoyed seeing you, I wish you a lot of love.

But man... I hate how unreliable women are. They are all sweet and proper in person, showering me with compliments and love but when it comes to texting I get treated like a dog.

[Israfil]

44 minutes ago, Vrubel said:

I am ending communication because I think it's going nowhere. I really enjoyed seeing you, I wish you a lot of love.

That's the best thing you can do.

[integral]

1 hour ago, Vrubel said:

I think about sending her this: I am ending communication because I think it's going nowhere. I really enjoyed seeing you, I wish you a lot of love.

It sounds good an paper from the male perspective but it isn't at all. Its wrong actually. She doesn't at all care that your a good person or not the way your trying to make it seem to her, what she cares about is how she feels about what your saying and its making her feel bad. 

Don't say anything and wait for her to contact you. Stop making advancements and showing your neediness. This is the 1# mistake everyone makes, never chase. NEVER CHASE. 

She wants to have fun and your actions right now are pressure and not fun. Its that simple.

Never put pressure on a women. 

Go out and start dating someone else that is how you solve the frustration and problem, if she still has feelings for you she will contact you. 

---

Also so to make this clear, she's acting like an asshole who is being immature and inconsiderate get that framing right, stop putting her on a pedestal.

Edited April 20, 2023 by integral

[something_else]

1 hour ago, Vrubel said:

I think about sending her this: I am ending communication because I think it's going nowhere. I really enjoyed seeing you, I wish you a lot of love.

Just do it. Or send nothing. Both are pretty good options. In your head you need the frame of "it's over with this girl and I don't care, if she makes reasonable effort maybe I'll give her another shot"

 

[Yimpa]

Instead of focusing on what the girl is doing “wrong”, use this as an opportunity to self-reflect and experience hurt. 

Hurt can grow you exponentially if you let it.

[Vrubel]

9 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

Instead of focusing on what the girl is doing “wrong”, use this as an opportunity to self-reflect and experience hurt. 

Hurt can grow you exponentially if you let it.

Haha yes, this is the story of my life when it comes to dating. I am now really aware of the stages of grief and how they come in waves. At the heart of it is a very sensitive innocent desire to connect with another human being of the opposite sex. 

[Yimpa]

3 hours ago, Vrubel said:

Haha yes, this is the story of my life when it comes to dating. I am now really aware of the stages of grief and how they come in waves. At the heart of it is a very sensitive innocent desire to connect with another human being of the opposite sex. 

I relate to that immensely. What I can assure you of is that you don’t have to be stuck in the grieving process.

We seek validation from others because we’ve thoroughly convinced ourselves that something is missing. However, when you zoom out and focus on personal development, spirituality, life purpose, Pure Philosophy, etc., your life is no longer focused on a particular person or identity in order for you to feel whole. Your love deepens and grows exponentially, which will have an effect on every aspect of your life… yes, especially your intimate relationships.

People assume that when you delve into these fields you’re bound to become a hermit with no social life and no longer care about connection. This cannot be further from the truth. It may manifest like that in the beginning stages, but you will mature and understand the bigger picture at play here. Remember, how you treat others is precisely how you treat yourself. In order to truly understand this, though, you must deepen your understanding of Reality. But let’s focus on creating a solid foundation first.

Don’t just believe me. Be willing to make this a lifelong investment and put all this theory to the test; not because some person on a forum told you so, but because you want to. You may not experience the juicy results right away, but that’s far better than being stuck in a process or cycle that is no longer serving you. I emphasize stuck because all experiences (even grief) can be a powerful ally when you approach it from a wiser position.

Edited April 20, 2023 by Yimpa

[Vrubel]

1 hour ago, Yimpa said:

Remember, how you treat others is precisely how you treat yourself. In order to truly understand this, though, you must deepen your understanding of Reality. But let’s focus on creating a solid foundation first.

Yep, I got that insight. Being confrontational, having a grudge, hatred, a bitterness will always be hurtful to you at a very deep fundamental level. But even so, there is a time for peace and a time for war.

Edited April 20, 2023 by Vrubel

[Vrubel]

 

On 20/04/2023 at 4:16 PM, something_else said:

she isn't interested anymore but doesn't want to tell you that directly for whatever reason

I contemplated why she dragged it out and lead me on as she did. I think she did it because she did not want to give the impression she lost attraction during our night together. Directly after our meet-up, she communicated very sweetly but slowly flaked away while still giving me hope. She wanted to give the impression that she is flaking away because of her life or something and not because of me. She did it out of compassion.

Her desire was to minimize my hurt but Ironly I would have appreciated just a clean sharp flake or an honest statement. 

I had some very nasty flakes in my life where I was really led on to the last moment. Girls consider that shit normal. I even by accident came across one such girl again, she come up to me starting to chat with me about how much she enjoyed the date. (Though after that date she did a very nasty lead-on and flake). And I was like so done with that shit, it boggles my mind that girl had the balls to approach me and chat to me without shame. I was, of course, respectful in that interaction but energy-wise I made it known to her that she needed to go away from me because I was so done with her. 

[Roy]

Stop enabling her to do this bullshit. Cut her off completely. Text her and say, "I had some good times with you, but you're a flake and I only have time for serious people in my life. Goodbye."

Then never talk to her again and find someone else.

[integral]

@Vrubel its odd that women are flaking on you this much. I think there might be a reason or insight here, what do you think it is? 

[Vrubel]

@integral Well... sometimes it was obviously my fault, sometimes I could have been better in some aspects but many times I just left clueless. I had the most wonderful dates never followed up. 

But in this instance, if I had to analyze I think that I became too soft and loving too soon, I outpaced her attraction by too much. She initiated lovemaking twice, in the evening and at midnight but in the morning she kinda left in a hurry. She was noticeably detached by then. 

I just keep wondering if I made her too uncomfortable or something, maybe I did not satisfy her enough though she did scratch up my back.. So yeah, I am clueless.

Edited April 24, 2023 by Vrubel

[integral]

11 minutes ago, Vrubel said:

I think that I became too soft and loving too soon

Women can be a pain in that sense, they can interpret it as neediness and get turned off, all subconsciously.

The more a woman flip flops and changes her mind by random subconscious emotional queues the less developed they are. 

If they score high on the flip flop spectrum its best to avoid them at all cost. lol

Edited April 24, 2023 by integral

[Schizophonia]

45 minutes ago, Vrubel said:

But in this instance, if I had to analyze I think that I became too soft and loving too soon, I outpaced her attraction by too much. She initiated lovemaking twice, in the evening and at midnight but in the morning she kinda left in a hurry. She was noticeably detached by then. 

 

I have the opposite problem

[Jacob Morres]

You could always ask what happened 

If she doesn't let you know that might be a green flag to rethink the relationship