How To Permenantly Stop Neediness?

[Lobo]

One of Leo's most popular videos is the one titled -How to stop caring what others think of you?- in fact that is the video that introduced me to his content. When I first watched that video one and a half years ago it re-energized me and I was ready to use this knowledge to better my life, but I was not expecting immediate results. I became icy and I really did not care about making friends with everybody. What I noticed was that most the girls paid more attention to me and more guys took me seriously, I kept that attitude going for a couple of weeks, but much later I fell back into being needy again. (It was miserable)

Again another school year begins this time I decide to be extra nice (extroverted), care for everyone. This guise of mine didn't last very long because no one was paying attention to me. But one day I arrived extra icy, caring very little about what people thought of me. Again I got more attention and respect. This lasted for a couple more weeks and then I went back to my usual self.

I know Leo emphasized on affirmations and how they help change the way you think, do they really work?

Is there another possible technique I could apply? And whenever you guys are needy, how do you get back on track?

PS -While typing this I noticed that my although my intention should be to stop caring of what others think of me, I am still using the technique to get attention from others. This is kind of contradictory to the purpose of this excercise, is this "need" deeply lodged into me psychologically changable?

[Shin]

Well, I don't know how I did it exactly, but the one thing I'm sure, is that It all started with my meditation practice, and with the habit of constantly watching my thoughts.

I guess it's when you start to see your that your own thoughts are stupid and childish that other people thoughts starts to become irrelevant.

It's not that you don't take criticism anymore (that is important if you want to grow), but you don't take it personally, because you know that everyone have their own paradigm of how the world should be, and it is impossible, to please everyone when you fully understand that.

Edited March 14, 2017 by Shin

[el_duderino]

meditation is good, and I would recommend re-programming you subconscious mind. visualization, affirmations, seeding, change beliefs...every day for 20-30 min, 2-3 months straight and your behavior should change.

read "mind power" if you want to try it, it's in Leo's book list.

[abgespaced]

@Lobo

Your experience is a good description of the operation of a boundary.

Imagine your boundary as a circle encompassing you psyche. It denotes where you end and the environment/others begin. It delineates what you control from what you don't control. It is the point at which you are able to say "no" and hear "no". It contains your resources. Basically it the psychological territory of you.

You are being needy because you feel like something is missing from within that boundary. Whatever that is, whether it's enough love, enough attention, enough happiness etc, there is not enough of that thing for you. So you look to others to fill the hole. But your lack of this thing means you can't give it, only take it. And people feel this. They feel like you're syphoning something off them. Like a vampire.

When you say "no" to yourself and to taking from others, when you say "no" to needing other people's energy to fill you up, you close the door at your boundary to that desire, cutting off the flow of energy from other people. This is a healthy thing to do, and people notice this. They feel better around you and less like something's being taken from them.

But with that door closed, their love can't fill you up in the same way that it used to. It can't get through that door unless you open it, which begins the cycle all over again. You need to find a way to appreciate their love and attention while keeping that door closed. That is, you need to find a new way to give and receive, and a new way to fill yourself up with enough love, energy, happiness etc.

[Nahm]

14 hours ago, Lobo said:

One of Leo's most popular videos is the one titled -How to stop caring what others think of you?- in fact that is the video that introduced me to his content. When I first watched that video one and a half years ago it re-energized me and I was ready to use this knowledge to better my life, but I was not expecting immediate results. I became icy and I really did not care about making friends with everybody. What I noticed was that most the girls paid more attention to me and more guys took me seriously, I kept that attitude going for a couple of weeks, but much later I fell back into being needy again. (It was miserable)

Again another school year begins this time I decide to be extra nice (extroverted), care for everyone. This guise of mine didn't last very long because no one was paying attention to me. But one day I arrived extra icy, caring very little about what people thought of me. Again I got more attention and respect. This lasted for a couple more weeks and then I went back to my usual self.

I know Leo emphasized on affirmations and how they help change the way you think, do they really work?

Is there another possible technique I could apply? And whenever you guys are needy, how do you get back on track?

PS -While typing this I noticed that my although my intention should be to stop caring of what others think of me, I am still using the technique to get attention from others. This is kind of contradictory to the purpose of this excercise, is this "need" deeply lodged into me psychologically changable?

Affirmations are like gravity. It is working wether you think it is or not. You are getting / feeling right now, what you have been thinking (affirming). "Affirmations" is a fancy word for - start paying attention and think on purpose for your own benefit.

Can you realize that your good emotions are not magically flying through the air into you from other people? The good emotions are being created by you with your thinking. Set some time aside, first thing every morning, to think about good things for you. Make lists of what you want in life, and completely disregard 'reality' when making these lists. Make them from a 'fantasy' or ' perfect scenario' perspective. The ego will tell you that you are being unrealistic. The oneness will tell you anything is actually possible. Which one are you?

[ShadowWalker]

@abgespaced has already written more or less what I wanted to say. There's a nice quote from Matt Kahn:

"What we often demand from others - from our spouse, from our children, we deny giving ourselves." 

[ajasatya]

22 hours ago, Lobo said:

is this "need" deeply lodged into me psychologically changable?

yes. you have to hack yourself and this is no easy task.

you need attention from others because you're trying to maintain the illusion of self.

basically, you have a socially accepted self image, which you've been buying from society since you started to speak. and you live on trying to strengthen that self image with what people think of you. this process drains your life energy. and when the external opinion doesn't match the attributes of your self image, you get angry, anxious etc.

the truth is the fact that the self image is just a set of illusory thoughts. it's not real.

whatever you think of you is a lie.
whatever people think of you is a lie.

you suffer because you want to fill infinitely creative emptiness (the innate lack of inner self) with a bunch of lies and you want them to be true. it's a complete ignorance about Truth.

drop your self image and be completely free. this is nirvana.

[Anirban657]

Affirmations do work. I also have a problem of neediness and I always feel like I have to be in a friends group. I try to be funny. But the thing is you don't have to pretend. Find people who love you for who you are. I am lucky and thankful that I found friends who accept me for who I am whether I am cold or extrovert. Also being paid attention is not a big factor.. The results are the measuring factory- are you able to make more quality friends and a strong bond between yourself and the other person? Are you happy to be the way you are?.. In the long run,I think,pretending does not work.

The good thing is affirmations whether they are true or false works mose of the time if you are consistent everyday. Pretending is something I used to do too. But all my true friends(guy and girls) were the ones whom I made by being authentic and grounded. They accepted me for my real authentic self. So keep doing the affirmations and don't worry about pretending and other people's opinion. All the best!

[Gladius]

Something similar happens to me. I bought a whiteboard, hang it on my room and wrote there all the qualities I want to have, and every mantra I need to wire into my brain. I look at it first thing in the morning and last thing in the evening, and repeat it out loud. It's been just a few weeks but so far it feels good.

[Vingger]

Neediness stops to me by realizing the truth of experiencing people and this is ;

is not possible to need humans

what is really there is ego Justifying his existence by the illusion of feel observed and

so potentially judged if you break this illusion you will see that

to you needing something first you have to be separated from

and there is no separation

there is only more manifestations of forms that can be known

and there is only one know, the same know that knows your body knows people

the presence you perceive it's only your own presence

then you feel stupid, why i was feeling needy if i am only looking myself all the time

then only love remains

 

[Orange]

On 14/03/2017 at 10:20 PM, ajasatya said:

 

the truth is the fact that the self image is just a set of illusory thoughts. it's not real.

whatever you think of you is a lie.
whatever people think of you is a lie.

 

How do you get to see this lie?

[Lai]

14 minutes ago, Orange said:

How do you get to see this lie?

You look in the mirror. 

[Orange]

On 18/03/2017 at 3:17 PM, Lai said:

You look in the mirror. 

I don't understand..

[FindingPeace]

On 13/03/2017 at 10:18 PM, Lobo said:

is this "need" deeply lodged into me psychologically changable?

Yes and you need to know where to look to find the root cause of it.

Neediness is another way to describe insecurity. You value and want something, for some underlying reason, and you fear not getting or sustaining it. So why are you needy with people? You want them to like you, notice you, reassure you, validate and approve of you? Why? Ask yourself why it is so important to you that people respond to you in a certain way?

So originally you were needy because you were craving for people to notice you. You were needy because you felt it was the only way to get their attention and reassurance. Yet you later proved to yourself that by being more detached that people will actually notice and validate you. The lesson here is this: you can try to be something for the sake of gaining the attention of others. Or, you can be 'yourself' and people will give you their attention anyway. But rather than wait for people to naturally respond to you without being needy, you seek out people who may otherwise not respond to you, and then behave in a needy fashion towards them in order to get their response. You are going to them rather than allowing them to come to you.

I learned something I long time ago: There are people who will like you without you having to do anything. And there are people who won't like you. Both is normal and perfectly acceptable. But we all too often forget that it's ok for people not to like us. We go around trying to make everyone like us and fearing whenthey don't. Ultimately, those that accept us as we are (without the effort) are the ones we want in our lives. Those who don't accept us are the one's we don't need in our lives. So don't stress about them. Authentic connections with people will only come from relationships with people who accept you as  you are without you having to 'be' something for them. And likewise in return.

But all of this still goes back to the insecurity at the heart of it. And somewhere in there, maybe from your past, will be causal factors that led to you being insecure with people. And also led to you feeling that you 'need' people. Perhaps some abandomnment issues. So some deep introspection is required.

As others have said, self-image plays a part. Self-image is both 'real' and 'not real'. The concept of self-image is very real to the subjective experience of your reality. But what it is, is a story. A story about 'who you are' and all the criteria that you think define you. You may have a belief that 'people don't like  me' which is causing you to try and compensate by being needy. Or you may believe that 'I need to have friends because it's normal'. So social pressures play in to it. But these beliefs from your self-image are just beliefs... beliefs are not reality. And they are complete subjective. You opinion of yourself, and indeed anyone else's opinions of you, are just opinions. The are not fact. Even though they feel real.

It's true that dropping the self-image will help to remove neediness or caring what others think, but that's very hard from most people to do. It's all well and good for those who have developed spritiually and psychologically. But to tell someone to 'drop the self image' is meaningless to many people. It's not so much that having a self-image is a problem, it's being attached to it that causes issues.

Realise that the 'story' you have of yourself is just that... a story. If you look back over the years you can even see how it was written. But the story is not fixed and in fact it isn't that important. The 'you' that you think you are, is the person that you are in any given moment. There is no need to make reality fit your personal story in order to reinforce it. The story can change. Parts can finish, new parts can begin. But ultimately it's all irrelevent. Learning how to be comfortable with whoever you are in the moment is the key to being detached from you self-image and from the need to reinforce it with external validation.

On 13/03/2017 at 10:18 PM, Lobo said:

I decide to be extra nice (extroverted), care for everyone.

Just to clarify something here. 'Extroversion' does not mean being 'nice' or 'caring' towards people. There is also a certain stigma around introversion. Some people are one, some the other, some can be both at different times. But there seems to be a negative attitude towards introversion, like it is something to be avoided. This is not the case. And in fact we need people of both types in this world.

But introverted people can be just as nice, caring and sociable as extroverted people. There is a myth that introverted people remain withdrawn in solitude much of the time. No. But they do like to 'recharge' on their own after being in social situations. Extroverts tend to be energised by social interraction, introverts are energised by solitude. But both can be equally as outgoing or withdrawn as each other at different times. 

Anyway I don't know if this is relevent to this thread, although it seems to me that perhaps you think that you are introverted and feel awkward about that such that you "decided to be extra nice" in order to be 'extroverted'. In any case... stop 'being' anything towards people. Just be natural and authentic.

Authenticity will attract people to you with you having to try.