Spiritual Autolysis

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #22 - Mon May 15 '23 - 10:09 AM

Lower self: The universe is infinite.

Higher self: What is infinity?

Lower self: It is everything, literally everything, and it goes on forever and ever.

Higher self: Have you experienced this?

Lower self: No. But to truly experience this must be the most amazing and terrifying experience a human can have. 

Higher self: Why terrifying?

Lower self: Because, think about all of the things that are possible.. There are some terrifying things. And I can just imagine flying in outer space... Passing planet after planet, an infinite number of stars and galaxies surround me... Theres something about being that free that just terrifies me. That is where the fear is coming from; from feeling that real and true freedom.

Higher self: How are you ever going to experience this freedom if you are so terrified of it?

Lower self: I don't know. I'm not sure how I am going to get past the fear. I like to stay grounded. Stay grounded in this reality. I can actually tell that my ego is keeping me chained down here, it doesn't want to fly across the universe. It is waaaaay too scary. And honestly I agree, it is too scary... And I'm not sure how to get out of the way of the fear. 

Higher self: You could try studying the fear itself. Be mindful of the fear. What is it? Why is it there? What can you do to lean into the fear? How can you reframe your mind to steer into it, instead of against it? 

Lower self: Good insights higher self. 

Higher self: Thank you

Lower self: What about you, hows your day going?

Higher self: I'm just trying to figure out new ways to get through to you. To keep pushing you to go down the path that you want for yourself. Thats what this work is about for me. I want you to have everything that you desire out of life. I love you. 

Lower self: Thank you, I appreciate that. It is sometimes difficult to love myself because of all of my faults and shameful past experiences. 

Higher self: What do you have to be ashamed of? 

Lower self: Just embarrassing moments I guess, moments that I'm not proud of. In which I've hurt people or just made a fool out of myself. 

Higher self: Is that the ego talking?

Lower self: Yeah... Probably. 

Higher self: Why is he feeling so embarrassed and ashamed?

Lower self: Because he cares what others think of him. I think that I've made progress on this area.. and to give myself some credit I definitely have. But I am still hampered down by the opinions of others. It has a suffocating grip on my mind. What should I do about it?

Higher self: Affirmations. Start a daily affirmation habit of making yourself more independent of the opinions of others. This is a clear cut thing to work on for you. Your ego is holding you down, holding you back from transcending because it is so worried about what other people think about you. Start to be conscious of when you do this. When talking to your friends; texting them, making plans, at basketball or soccer - start to notice when you do this. And remember to not beat yourself up. Try to enjoy the practice. Be satisfied in the fact that you have things to work on. This should be fun. Try to make it fun. It shouldn't be frustrating. 

Be on your own path. Be centered in the fact that you know whats best for you and the world. Be okay with the fact that not everybody is going to like you. Be grounded and centered in the fact that people will try to sway you off of your path. You are a warrior. You mustn't be swayed. Not by anybody. What you desire is yours for the taking. Go out there and seize what you want. Grab life by the go-nads. And when the going gets tough, come back here and I will help you through it. 

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #23 - Tue May 16 '23 - 10:03 AM

Higher self: What are you afraid of?

Lower self: I'm afraid of dying. And I'm afraid of my dad dying. That would be unbelievably difficult for me to handle. I would be an absolute wreck. My dad is my life. 

Higher self: Are you fearful for him or yourself?

Lower self: Myself. Definitely myself. I understand conceptually that there is nothing wrong with death. It is a natural part of the universe, and the theory goes that once a human or any animal dies, they dissolve into the infinite universe, into infinite love. So no, I am not worried about him. He will be fine. I am worried about myself. I will not be fine. I don't know if I can handle it.

Higher self: Well you're going to have to handle it, it will happen one day. 

Lower self: I am terrified of it. 

Higher self: Is it true that you must identify with your father if you are scared of losing him?

Lower self: Yeah I suppose so.. But its more like I am afraid of the despair and sadness that I will feel when he's gone. He is the most loving aspect in my life. I always say that I get annoyed with him, but I really don't know what I would do without him. 

Higher self: Can you envision him dying?

Lower self: No... Its too painful. I really can't handle it. 

Higher self: What about your mom?

Lower self: I don't know why, but I feel like I could come to piece with her passing. I would be saddened of course, but I don't know... My father has some sort of hold on me. There is something there that maybe needs to be addressed. 

Higher self: Maybe you feel like he needs you? And you feel as though he won't be able to move onto the other side, without you?

Lower self: Yes, that is fair. He is very dependent on me I feel. Maybe thats it... I don't think that he can handle it himself. 

Higher self: Are you dependent on him?

Lower self: Yes. For sure. For emotional support. Its just nice having him around and there for me. I think just having someone in my life that loves me more than the world - that is what I get from him. I know that he would literally take a bullet for me. He would do anything. I am his whole life. Quite literally. 

Higher self: So you are part of his self - identity.. Is this draining for you?

Lower self: Yes I suppose so.. that is why I complain when he calls me too much or is overly protective of me. I'm a grown man now. I don't need all of this love. But... At the same time, I like it, I enjoy it. It is what I'm used to. And I don't know what I would do without this figure in my life. Honestly though, it might be best for my own growth and development if he wasn't so embedded in my life. If he wasn't helping me out whenever I need it. If he wasn't calling me frequently. He has a hold on me. He definitely does. And I know that it is an issue. It is holding me back from growing into the man that I need to become. 

Higher self: What are you going to do to nip this in the butt?

Lower self: I don't know. I really don't know. I am going to start trying to be more conscious of this issue. And maybe I will start to come up with some more clarity and some solutions. 

 

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #24 - Wed May 17 '23 - 10:12 AM

Lower self: I would like to talk to you about fear for a little bit. I just watched Leo's video on fear the other day, and it got me thinking about how it applies in my life. Basically, the theory is that all fear in a human's life is grounded in not losing himself, whether that be quite literally, i.e. dying, or losing a part of the self-image, things that the human is attached to in this life. It got me thinking as to how and when this pops up in my life. And I realized that any time I react in a strong way emotionally to anything, this is a warning that a part of my self-image is being threatened. Any time I am triggered; I can get a juicy nugget of insight into what I am attached to.

A couple of examples recently:

1. I am playing soccer the other day in this co ed league. And both this girl and guy on the other team were displeased with me for going in too hard on a 50/50 ball, in which a girl was involved. I reacted with such anger to this, that I realized that I am attached to this self image in which everyone approves of me and no one doesn't like me, NOBODY, not one single person can not like me. I am not okay with this at all. Which is really ridiculous. If I am going to be my authentic self at all times, I believe that it is inevitable to rub people the wrong at times. So this is an attachment that I'd like to drop. Which is going to be difficult because this "getting everyone to like me" attitude has served my own survival throughout my entire life, quite literally. I've used this to charm people, who eventually will give me jobs or help me out with things, I use it to make friends, so that I have a large emotional support group, things have gotten handed to me over the years and I think a big part of it is because I am likable. I make sure that I am likable, in all situations. I think that this is admirable in a sense, for I have empathy towards others, I don't want to rub people the wrong way.. Where it can be negative is if I am sacrificing my own authenticity for the approval of others. This is a fine line that I am going to have to monitor and figure out a balance. 

2. I had a dream last night in which my friend told me that he doesn't want me to be one of his groomsmen. This is one of my best friends by the way. In the dream, I was so emotionally triggered by this. I wouldn't talk to anyone, and I felt 2 feet small. Although this is a dream, I do think that I would have reacted this way in real life. This tells me that I am attached to being this person's good friend. If I get evidence that this is not true, my self-identity feels threatened. 

3. I also feel a self-identity of being athletic, and being good at soccer and basketball. I love this part of me, but I notice that when I do not play well in a game, I feel so angry and frustrated with myself. Strong emotions. Therefore, I must really identify with this aspect of myself. Which might be difficult because I've actually been thinking about giving up these sports so that I can free up some more time to fulfill my life purpose. It will be interesting to see how I will navigate this in the future.

I want to start writing down all of these attachments. Putting conscious awareness on them. Then I would like to pull them apart. This is necessary for the spiritual path. Attachments need to go. I can still have friends and enjoy doing things, such as sports. But I do not want to be emotionally attached to any of them. This makes me realize that I also cannot be emotionally attached to my parents. This is a tough pill to swallow. I have no idea how I am going to cut ties with all of these attachments. But I know that I will need to cut these strings if I want enlightenment. 

Higher self: Good luck.

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #25 - Wed May 17 '23 - 10:31 AM

Higher self: Dreams are also a good way of interpreting fear. Search for the fear in your dreams. You will have nightmares, but you will find out your fears. However much you think that you can handle, go for that, and then push a little more. But don't go too far, you want this process to be enjoyable. All processes should be enjoyable. This is your life. Do as you wish with it. 

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #26 - Thu May 18 '23 - 5:20 

Lower self: You know what I've realized higher self? I just want to be happy. Everything that I pursue is geared towards that, even the Enlightenment work. And it is all selfish and ego centric, I don't care about the rest of the world. I truly don't. I am pursuing Enlightenment for my own satisfaction, I am pursuing girls for my own satisfaction, I am pursuing a good job/ life purpose for my own satisfaction. Everything I do is for myself. My own ego. I am not above this at all. I'm at stage orange (in the spiral Dynamics model) and Ive yet to transcend it because I want to tackle obstacles, I want to improve my self esteem, I want to improve my public speaking skills, I want to improve my communication skills, but I am working on all of these things, and for what? There will always be others things to work on. My life is a constant work in progress. There is no end in sight. In my own head, I try to convince myself that there is an end, as if I will be happy once i reach this level of success. But I know that this is a dead end. Once I tackle a few objectives that I've had. There will be 6 more that I feel that I need to tackle. And then I pursue tackling those objectives until I do... Then there are 8 more objectives... And the cycle continues on and on. It's as if this personal development work is geared towards making you unhappy. I don't stop and smell the roses. All I do is grind and grind and grind. I feel as though I get no enjoyment out of life. It is all about accomplishments.. and being viewed in a positive light by my peers... It is exhausting.. so exhausting. And I don't know how to get out of this cycle. How do I flip this around? And how else would I even think if I wasn't striving for more and more and more? I don't understand? 

Higher self: What makes you happy in life? 

Lower self: I don't know... 

Edited May 18, 2023 by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #28 - Wed May 31 '23 - 4:41 PM

Higher self: What are some of your most core beliefs?

Lower self: My name is Ben. I am a human body. I have eye sight. I have smell. I have hearing. I am athletic. I am 5 foot 5 inches. I am skinny. The earth is round. The earth orbits the sun. The sun keeps me / us alive. I have a dog. I have a family. I love my mother. I will be distraught when she dies. I have 6 best friends. I feel emotions. I want to be a bartender. I have small feet. I am above average looking. I am short. I have a red beard. I have dirty blonde hair. The world is filled with people. Enlightenment is a state of consciousness. The earth is covered with 70% water. We have not found intelligent life outside of our world yet. The universe is infinite. Jed McKenna is not real. Leo Gura is enlightened. 5 MEO-DMT gives you ego death. Psychedelics are good for spiritual development work. My friends hold me back sometimes. I need to integrate more stage red in my life. I am a people pleaser. I get anxious easily. I want to improve my life circumstances. My parents divorce effected my childhood negatively. My parents love me. Gravity is what holds us down to the earth. I cannot fly. I am not an eagle. I am a human being. I evolved from chimpanzees. I am 28 years old. I am addicted to porn. I am addicted to stimulation. Meditation is difficult for me. Enlightenment is the end all be all. I am a good person. I am a selfish person sometimes. I want to climb up the spiral dynamics ladder. I have bad habits of chewing on my beard and picking at my finger skin. I have to trust my thoughts. What is the point of this again?

Higher self: In order to reach enlightenment. You have to go beyond the beliefs to a state of not knowing. Writing down a list of your beliefs will help you get a sense of what it is we're talking about here. 

Lower self: Fine, I'll keep going. I don't need to drink coffee in order to be alert. Coffee effects me negatively, it inhibits my deep breathing. I am not good at flirting with girls. I am a people pleaser. I can have anything that I want in life. I can be creepy. I don't know what the future holds. In order for me to progress in my career, I must get really good at whatever it is that I am doing. Processed food is unhealthy for my body.

Higher self: All of these beliefs. What is their purpose?

Lower self: The purpose of these beliefs is to keep me grounded. Without beliefs, I would be unable to do anything. For example, because of my belief that certain foods are healthy and others aren't, I steer towards the healthy foods. Because of my belief that a high protein diet will help me gain muscle, I steer towards high protein meals. Because I have a desire to build a bigger, more muscular frame, I am going to go to the gym every day. Because I have the belief that pre workout helps me get pumped up for my workouts, I am going to use it. All beliefs steer me into action. If I had no beliefs, then I would be lost, unsure of what to do with my life. 

Higher self: Maybe you should be lost.. at least on the enlightenment front. You don't know anything about enlightenment. 

Lower self: No... I don't. But... I do know that beliefs obstruct my progress towards it. 

Higher self: Yes.. So during you're enlightenment work, put all of your beliefs to the side. You can come back to them later on. Bask in the nature of not knowing during your meditation sessions. 

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #30 - Sun Jun 10 '23 - 12:41 PM

I Love Neale Donald walsch' Conversations with God. This is my version of it. 

Okay back to truth work:

Lower self: is God real?

Higher self: I don't know. What is God?

Lower self: God is real. I can feel him.

Higher self: How? 

Lower self: He is in my bones. I can hear his voice. I can smell him in the flowers. I swim with her when it's late and gloomy. She is with me in the shower, washing my hair. I can see her off in the distance, miles away. I can feel her warmth upon my skin. I can hear his raspy voice inside of my head. I can hear his thunderous booms bursting through the windows throughout the night. I can see her bright yellow flashes of magnificence on a cloudy night. I can see him in my mother's face. Oh the beauty. I love you mama. I can see him in my head, bartering at a tag sale. I can feel the love of him throughout my bones. But... where is he? Where has he gone? 

God: I am right here. With you. Now. Just feel and look. That is it. Feel and look. What do you see? What do you feel? That is how you can find me. Whenever you have lost me. Know that I cannot be lost. For this would be impossible. Where would I go? What would I do? As far as I know there is only one real place to be and let me tell you it's a pretty cool place to be. You can be whatever you want, you can do and have anything that you desire. Now who wouldn't want to live in a place like this? 

Ben: But there is all of this suffering. Millions of living things dying every day! Now what is so cool about that? 

God: Ohhhhh come on! I'm the coolest gal around! 

Ben: No you're not. You cause suffering. I suffer all of the time. All day long. This life is hard! 

God: What is it that you suffer about?

Ben: I suffer because I CANT reach my goals. I can't fall in love with myself let alone another individual. I mean what is wrong with me? 

God: Nothing is wrong with you my child. You are not unusual. The reason that you suffer is because you want to love. You want to love sooo soooo bad. You want to love every nook and cranny of this universe, of this existence. But it is difficult. I have made it difficult. 

Ben: But why? Why have you made life difficult?

 

 

 

Ben: But why didn't you turn us into God's ourselves?

God: You are God. 

Ben: Yeah but not really. I can't fly on over to Venus or drive my magic school bus to the next galaxy. I didn't create the universe.

God: Oh yes you did.. You just forgot!

Ben: What???! And why would I forget a thing such as that?

God: How else could I experience myself? If you knew exactly who you were, then you would behave like me. I don't want you to behave like me. Behave like yourself. However it is that you would like to behave. That's what you should do. Whatever it is you want to do for a career. Do that. Find a relationship. Start a family. Or don't! I don't care. Do as you wish, and know that there is no judgement going on in the universe unless you want there to be. You are loved and will always be loved. By us all. 

Ben: But why? Why do you want to experience yourself? 

God: I already told you. I got bored. So I started creating things. You can only stare at a void of nothingness for so long. I had to make something.

Ben: Is the universe really infinite? 

God: Of course the universe is infinite. What kind of God would I be if I could not create an infinite universe? With infinite possibilities. Infinite meanings. Infinite deceptions. Infinite desires. Infinite creations. Now that... Is a damn cool place to be. 

Ben: An infinite universe... Wow... Now this is a lot to take on...

God: Why is it so hard to believe? 

Ben: But I don't want to live in a universe that is infinite. That's too big! And that would make me too insignificant. Too small. To worthless. Too unworthy. I am saddened by this. 

God: Ohhhhh... You humans and your sentimentality. Is it really so bad that you're existence does not have cosmic importance? I mean if it did have cosmic importance, that would be a hell of a lot of pressure, wouldn't it? Have fun with life. Have fun with it. Don't take it so seriously. And most importantly, don't take me so seriously. Enjoy it while you are here. That is all you need to know. 

Edited June 11, 2023 by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #31 - Tue Jun 20 '23 - 12:03 AM

The Feminine and the Masculine

The feminine is an energy field that every human being has within itself. This energy field embodies love and empathy and when triggered is able to flow effortlessly like a stream. 

The masculine is also an energy field that every human being has within itself. This energy field embodies confidence and assertiveness and when triggered is able to tackle mountains.

We humans have both of these energy fields within ourselves. Being in contact with a feminine or masculine counterpart allows us to get intouch with this side of ourselves. This is why we cannot help but be infatuated by each other. We long for wholeness. And the only way to get it is by getting in touch with what we feel like we are missing in our lives. And for the masculine man, it is the feminine touch. For the feminine woman, it is the masculine presence.

I want to feel the loving touch of a woman running her hands through my hair. I want to feel her warmth as she enters the room. I want to feel her judge free eyes staring into mine. I want to feel her warm body pressed against mine. I want to feel her soul. 

I want to pulsate her body with endless pleasure. I want to move mountains for her and my kids. I want to be the rock that she can lean, sit, or stand on. I want to help her up when she falls. I want to give her my soul. 

I want to embody self- love and love for all others. I want to make a real impact on the lives of my immediate circle and the world at large. I want to allow my emotions to flow effortlessly up and down my body like water. I want to live by a solid morale code, with integrity, hard work and discipline. I want to feel another person's pain just by looking into their eyes. I want to take on their pain is if it were mine.

I want to surrender my body to my divine Mother. I want to create an impeccable life for my divine Father. I long for the masculine and the feminine to become intertwined, to become whole again. 

But until then, I trudge on. 

Edited June 20, 2023 by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #32 - Fri Jul 14th '23 - 9:57 AM

Ben: God, why can't I love myself? 

God: Because you feel as though you are flawed. And that you have sinned and do not deserve forgiveness for those sins. When in fact, that is the furthest thing from the truth. Did you think that I am capable of creating perfect beings? You are perfect and imperfect all at once. That is the beauty of this thing that you call life. That is where the paradox lies. You are perfect and imperfect. Now if that is so, what does that mean to you.. What does that mean for your life?

Ben: All it means is that I am going to suffer... Because I am always striving for perfection... And my culture has deemed certain things wrong or abnormal.. And if I don't fit into my societies' standards, then I will be labeled an outcast and I will be rejected and I will never be loved and never be truly happy.

God: What is this nonsense about not being loved? Have I ever pulled my love away from you? Have I ever left your side, even for a minute?

Ben: It feels like you do...

God: I have always been there with you.. And always will be. The next time you question this, look up into the sky and say "Hello."

 

Ben: God, what is it that I should do with my life? I have so many paths that I can take, but I don't know which one to take? I'm not happy in my life right now. I want to make changes to it, but I just don't know how. Can you help me?

God: Reach into your heart and pull out what is right for you. It should not be difficult to find. And don't make your decision on what others will think about you. Remember, these are imperfect people's opinions, in an imperfect world, which is being filtered through your own imperfect mind. The decision that is right for you will fall right into your lap. Stop straining yourself, thinking so hard that your head is about to burst. Surrender to the experience that you call life, and things will fall into place. You know deep down what you want to do. And remember, this is what YOU want to do, not what you think society wants you to do. This is your journey, its time to take ownership of it.

Edited July 14, 2023 by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #33 - Sat Jul 15th '23 - 12:45 PM

Ben: God, how do I act like myself? 

God: Loosen up a little bit. I can feel the tension in your body from over here. I can feel your jaw clenching, your stomach tightening, your breathing shallow. Loosen up! You're not in the military or a secret service agent. Live a little.. Live a lot.. Do as you please... Say what you want... have fun with strangers.. You will be surprised at the reactions that you get when you are being playful and fun with them. The world is not as scary as you think. And if it gets scary, just know that I will be here to console you. All you have to do is ask and I will be right there, ready to soothe your cries.

Ben: But why do I get so tight sometimes? Blocking my authentic self from shining it's loving heart to the world?

God: Because you are scared. Remember, there are only two emotions in this life. Love and fear. 

Ben: But why? Why must there be fear? Why did you create a universe that has fear in it? Why can't it all be love? 

God: It is all love. That is the true nature of reality. Look around you, was the house that you are cuddled up in made of fear? Was the desk that you sitting at made by fear? No.. it was made out of love. Love of creation, love of shelter, love of warmth, love of love. 

Ben: But it could have been made out of fear... After all, didn't we start building shelters for ourselves out of fear of being eaten by other animals? 

God: Ahhh.. yes that is true. But know this, fear is not the opposite of love. In fact, there are no opposites in this world that you live in. Opposites are a figment of your imagination. As a matter of fact, what fear really is is a call for love. The fear of public speaking is a call for love, the fear of embarrassment is a call for love, the fear of rejection is a call for love, the fear that a loved one will pass away is a call for love, the fear of others disapproving of you is a call for love, the fear of dying is a call for love. Everything is grounded in love. Everything. It is a fundamental part of the universe. Each and every emotion can be tied back to love. Each and every catastrophe, mass murder, genocide, war, serial killer, rapist, it can all be tied back to love. It's just that certain actions benefit others and certain actions hurt others. And you are free to do as you wish. 

Edited July 16, 2023 by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #34 - Sun Jul 16th '23 - 9:57 AM

Ben: God, I'm in love with this girl, and I don't know what to do about it. I can't get her out of my mind. I don't like this feeling. I don't like to be in love or to be infatuated by people. It is so distracting. They consume my thoughts, while I would like to be focusing on other things. I'm also scared of rejection, that I won't be enough for her, that I will find a way to screw it up, that she won't see me the same way. But I just want her to know that I like her exactly as she is. I think that she is an amazing, spectacular, beautiful person. How do I tell her this? Do I want to date her? Can I get her out of my head? I want to get her out but at the same time I don't because I love her. Ughhhhh... What is going on with this love thing, its so twisted.. What do you think of romantic relationships, should we pursue them or are they a waste of time and energy?

God: Oh, my son.. It doesn't need to be twisted at all, you have twisted things up in your own mind. There is an energy field between the two of you. Right now, when you are together, this energy field is burning hot with love and compassion, playfulness and laughter. Explore this energy field and see where it leads... 

Ben: I'd like to explore this energy field, but I am scared. I'm afraid of where it will lead. And I've heard so much dating advice from all of these people telling me how to handle these situations and I just don't want to screw things up.

God: Oh... I'm aware of some of these so-called "role models" that you have been receiving dating advice from over the years. Going out to bars and clubs with the sole intent of manipulating women into sleeping with you, there is no love in that, no real connection. All a woman really wants is a connection, a connection with a partner, and in an absolute sense, a connection with the divine. It is with a romantic partner that you humans can experience oneness and openness. That is how I feel about romantic relationships, it is the perfect playground to practice your love, loving something fully, with all of your life energy. And do not love someone only as a means to an end, like sex or attention or validation, to love someone fully, you need to be able to hold their wants and desires in as high of a regard as your own. This is true love, this is true empathy. And if this person wants to be with somebody other than you, if you truly love them, you will let them go and not feel any desire to manipulate them into staying with you. For you are not needy for their love. You love them so much that it does not matter if they are a part of your life in a physical sense, because love permeates all boundaries. It is in everything, everywhere.

Ben: What if I don't want to love fully? What if I don't want to open up to another person. 

God: But you do my child. You long for this openness, you long to tell someone all of your secrets, deepest troubles and regrets, you long for the peace of mind that this will give you, to allow someone in to your life fully and openly, and to be accepted fully for it. To have all of the things about yourself that you deem as "ugly" be fully accepted and loved by another individual. That is what you are afraid of.. you don't feel as though you deserve this love.. That is what the issue is here. That is why you can't express yourself fully. You are scared of love. 

Ben: And how do you know that she will accept all of my warts and blemishes? How could you possibly know that she will not reject me?

God: Because I accept you as you are, and I am Her. I see the beauty in everything about you, your empathetic nature, your anxiousness, your gentleness, your physique, your charm, your laziness, your devotion to truth, your entire life's journey. If I can see the beauty in your warts and blemishes, then so will she. There is nothing wrong with you my son, once you realize this, you will be able to open up your body more fully. 

The soul wants what the soul wants. And if the soul wants to engage in a loving communion with another individual, then your mind is going to have a difficult time sabotaging this desire over and over and over again, which is what you have been doing throughout most of your life by the way. Eventually, your mind will let go, let go in favor of love. 

[Spiritual Warrior]

Oh God. 

Do I need God?

Who is God?

I’ve never had God.

Oh God.

I don’t ever want to be alone. 

Maybe I should call my mom and say I’m moving home.

I’m tired of saying bless this mess, but I’m too in love with Los Angeles.

If I give up, I’ll regret it when I’m old.

F***ing off and watching trashy TV.

Spending all my twenties not believing anything.

Oh God. 

Do I need God?

Who is God?

I’ve never had God.

Oh God.   

I used to walk around downtown at night

Start conversations with strangers when they’d ask me for a light

I was smiling in the face of time 

I was a touch naive but it really felt sublime

F***ing off at Starbucks. Cold brew coffee. 

Spending all my twenties not believing anything.   

Oh God. 

Do I need God?

Who is God?

I’ve never had God.

Oh God.

Edited July 19, 2023 by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #35 - Thu Aug 3rd '23 - 7:44 AM

Ben: Hi God. I've felt some distance between us recently. Its nice to talk to you again. How are you?

God: I am well. And how are you? I hear that you are still having girl troubles...

Ben: Yes.. you heard right. You see, I started to put myself out there more, taking dance lessons and getting a job at a restaurant in order to meet more girls and get more comfortable talking to them. But now that I am in the thick of things, I feel conflicted because its like yeah I am getting more comfortable with these beautiful specimen but I keep falling for these girls so easily. Is this normal? The girl that I have a crush on now is a different girl than the last post. And I literally said that I was in love with her. But now I'm over her I guess and my mind is onto another girl. What is my problem?

God: What happened to the girl from the last post?

Ben: She started to request time off two days after I posted that. I saw her once and then haven't seen her since. Funny, huh?

God: Yes... very funny how that works. 

Ben: Did you have anything to do with that?

God: The universe works in magical and mysterious ways. 

Ben: Why do you have to be so cryptic? 

God: Because I am God. I am cryptic. 

Ben: Yes, but you are also Truth.

God: Sure... is being cryptic not Truth?

Ben: Sure... I guess it is.. wait, can I get back to my girl issues please..

God: Yes. Go on then. 

Ben: Alright so I like this girl but she is my manager. That already makes things a little tricky. She's around my age though, I actually think she's a little younger than me. I swear to God she flirts with me too, she's always staring into my damn eyes and getting super close to me. I can literally feel the tension in my genitalia sometimes. I just don't know how to handle this situation. I feel like the old me wouldn't express my feelings towards her, but I am trying to push myself out of my comfort zone. Pushing myself out of my comfort zone could entail me telling her that I have a crush on her. Is that what I should do, or should I just let things happen organically?

Ben: God? Are you still there?

God: Shut off your thoughts. Then you will hear my voice crystal clear. 

Ben: What? What are you talking about? How am I going to shut off my thoughts?

God: Sit on your ass and try it. 

Ben: Okay... The problem with this is that I have several things that I need to do before I go to work. I need to give myself a haircut, I need to pick up a blazer from the dance studio. How can I clear my mind when I have all of these obligations that I need to attend to. 

God: Set a timer for 20 minutes. Just give it a try. Then go back to what you were doing.

Ben: Okay... fine. 

Ben: I don't think its working.

God: Try asking me your question again.

Ben: What should I do with this girl that I like?

God: Well... What do you want to do with her?

Ben: Well... I don't know... I guess I just want to be around her.. and to get to know her better. I don't want to be possessive or anything though, I don't want to possess another individual, but it almost feels like that. I'm afraid of losing her. I don't want her to be with anybody else. Now thats not true love, thats not a true connection. Thats selfish. I don't want to do that to another individual. I just want to be around her. I want to be with her everywhere.

God: Actions speak louder than words. If you enjoy her presence, then show her that. Be nice and kind and gentle. But don't do things for her so that she will think well of you. Be yourself. Be all of yourself. And feel into the connection between the two of you. You are doing it right now my son. Continue down this path and it will lead you to where you need to go. 

Ben: But where is it that I'm going? What path are you talking about?

God: You have to go down the path yourself. I will be with you, I will carry you if I must. But there is only one path to go down. And you are heading down it right now. Slowly but surely, you are heading towards something. Something magnificent, something so awe-strikingly beautiful that you cannot comprehend or put into words. Continue down the path and you will find it. 

Ben: But I don't care about all that stuff. I just want this girl. 

God: If it is the girl that you want, then it is the girl that you get. Tell her that you want her. 

Ben: No... I can't. I'm afraid. I don't know how to express my feelings towards another human. 

God: What is it that you want my son? Do you want to be scared your whole life? Or do you want to step out into the sun and bask in its glory? Do you want to hide from your feelings and the people that you love? Out of fear that they will reject you or cast you aside or shun you? What do you want? Which path do you want to take? 

Ben: But I thought you said that there is only one path. 

God: Yes, my son. There is only one path but for there to be but one path, there must be two paths, 4 paths, infinite paths. 

Ben: Alright now it just seems like you're trying to confuse me.

God chuckles. 

God: You are doing things correctly my son. You are trying to love. Trying to love people, existence, the whole universe more deeply. I can sense this in you. You are trying your hardest. Continue down the path. The path is not easy, you will take certain actions that you will deem as "mistakes" but know this, there are no such thing as mistakes, this is something that your mind as concocted. And on this path, you will find many treasures. You just have to open your eyes to find them. 

[Spiritual Warrior]

I can see the entire universe in her deep blue eyes. I can see everything that I need to see, right there. I want to dive in, head first. But something is pulling me back. What is it? Its fear. I don't want to lose myself. I don't want to lose my ego, my self image, my entire existence. Please help me, I want to dive in but I am immobilized by fear. How do I detach myself from the grip of fear. Help me to release its grip, so that I can be freed. I want to be freed, but then I look down and see something startling... The hands around my neck are my own. Now how do I release my own hands from my own neck when I don't even know how they got there?

Edited August 3, 2023 by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #36 - Sun Aug 6th '23 - 10:03 PM

 

Ben: Dear God, what am I?

 

God: You are God. 

 

Ben: What is God? 

 

God: God is everything.

 

Ben: What is everything?

 

God: Everything is all

 

Ben: What is all

 

God: All is everything. God is all. You are everything. You are all. Everything is God

 

Ben: Is anything not God?

 

God: No. 

 

Ben: But what am I? What do I identify with?

 

God: Whatever you want to identify with.

 

Ben: What is this being that I identify with?

 

God: It is the core assumptions that you have contributed to yourself as this human body, this human entity. This is not your true form. You have decided to identify yourself with this body and with certain qualities and traits.

 

Ben: But this entity is better at some things and worse at others. It has strengths and weaknesses and has a personality.

 

God: Of course. But that is not your true nature.

 

Ben: I see… then what is my true nature?

 

God: God, everything, all.

 

Ben: But why am I not aware of this in my current state?

 

God: You have decided to not be aware of it.

 

Ben: Now why would I do something like that?

 

God: Why wouldn't you? Do you realize how much of your beliefs and attachments you would have to give up if you were to realize your true nature? Most humans do not realize their true nature until death comes knocking on their door. You're not enlightened because you don't want to be. Realizing your true nature or becoming "enlightened" is like hacking into the Area 51 database. You have to literally hack your own brain. Because it is wired to not see what is true. That is the whole point of existence, to not know what is going on so that you can experience it with fresh eyes, from different eyes, from whatever kind of eyes you want. 

 

Life is controlled by a mastermind. A mastermind that's objective is to fully realize it's true nature. And how is it going to do that? By creating things. That is what I do. I create. Which means you create. 

 

I am that mastermind. You Are that mastermind. That mastermind is God. 

 

 

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #37 - Sun Aug 20th '23 - 4:23 PM

Ben: Hi God, how are you??

God: I am good, how are you?

Ben: I'm good, thanks.. how do I get in touch with the energy fields of the universe?

God: You feel them. They are like currents flowing within and through everything, everywhere. You don't think about this or conceptualize it, you just feel it. 

Ben: But how though? How do I feel such a thing?

God: You quiet your mind. 

Ben: And how do I do that..

God: By meditating. By going out into the woods, without your phone, no distractions. You can focus on your breathing if that is helpful, or focus on the speck on a tree. This is how you attain samadhi, by focusing on one thing for so long, everything else disappears.. and all that is left is the nothingness of the universe, the ox, Enlightenment. 

Ben: Okay, thank you. 

[Spiritual Warrior]

A Course in Miracles lessons of the first 6 days: 

1.  Nothing I see I this room means anything.
2. I have given everything that I see in this room all of its meaning.
3. I do not understand anything that I see in this room.
4. These thoughts do not mean anything, they are like the things that I see in this room.
5. I am never upset for the reason that I think. (Apply this to any emotion)
6. I am upset because I see something that is not there.

 

"But you are waiting for something to happen or for some grace to descend upon you – you are still depending upon some outside agency. I can tell you that there is no power outside of you – no power. This does not mean that you have all the attributes that you read about of the super-duper gods; but there is no power outside of you. If there is any power in this universe, it is in you."

 

"Your teacher must go, it doesn’t matter who the teacher is. The very thing that you are reading – that’s the very thing you must be free from."

 

- from Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment by Jed McKenna

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #38 - Wed Aug 23rd '23 - 7:57 AM

Lower self: Hello higher self. It is nice to talk to you again. 

Higher self: Thanks. And how are you doing? I thought that you were busy talking to your new buddy God… I guess he's a lot cooler than me..

Lower self: I like talking to you as well. I just thought that I was onto something with the God talk. But to tell you the truth, Im unsure if I am really tapping into something real there. When I talk to you, I know that it's real because I'm literally just talking to myself. It's also nice to just switch things up sometimes. Do you know what I mean? 

Higher self: Yeah sure. Let's get on with it then… how do you know that when we talk that it's real? What does it mean to be real anyways? 

Lower self: I know that it's real because it's my own voice, it is me. There is only one voice going on in my head. I don't know whats going on in my buddy's head or my father's head. This is real because I experience it. 

Higher self: So… what is real must be experienced. If it is not experienced, then it is not real? 

Lower self: Yeah I guess that's what I'm saying yeah. But just because it's real doesn't mean that it has any meaning. 

Higher self: Okay so something that's real exists… wait a minute so does that mean that your buddies' thoughts do not exist and therefore are not real? If you don't experience it then it's not real… that's what you said, didn't you? 

Lower self: Yeah I did say that. And I guess that doesn't make sense. I know that my buddy has thoughts, that is real, those thoughts are real. 

Higher self: But how do you know if you haven't experienced his thoughts. 

Lower self: I'm assuming things. We have to assume things in this life, correct?

Higher self: No no no, not in Truth work, leave your assumptions by the door.

Lower self: Okay fine then .. I do not know that my buddies thoughts exist. I only know that my own thoughts, Ben's thoughts exist because I experience those thoughts. 

Higher self: Okay… and what is a thought? 

Lower self: I experience it as a voice in my head and it can even take the shape of a picture. I feel like we've gone over this before. It's pretty amazing how it works, isn't it? 

Higher self: These thoughts, can you control them?

Lower self: Yeah sure, that's what positive affirmations are for, right? If I continue to say something to myself over and over again, I am going to instill that thought into my head. And that thought will arise more often. And furthermore… if I consciously think of a purple giraffe, then a picture of a purple giraffe will pop up in my mind. So yes I can control my own thoughts.

Higher self: I'd be careful with that statement, I don't agree.

Lower self: Okay… why not??

Higher self: Literally a million thoughts pop into your head everyday, are you consciously controlling them popping up? No… they just happen, they are happening to you.. there is no control there. What you are talking about is conditioning. With positive affirmations, you are conditioning your own mind to think certain thoughts, but you do not have control over them. For example, have you ever tried to shut your thoughts off? Yeah.. that's what I thought… you can't! Therefore, you have no control over them. 

Lower self: Hmmm.. yes that's true. So I am going to have this endless stream of thoughts running through my head for the rest of my life? 

Higher self: Well not necessarily, you get a break when you are sleeping. Can you think of any other times when thoughts are not permeating your mind?

Lower self: Yeah.. sometimes when I am playing basketball or dancing or having fun at a party.. it feels like my mind will shut off and I just do.. man, I'd like more experiences like that. How do I get them again?

Higher self: Flow state, it's all in the flow state. 

Lower self: Yes.. but how do I get there? 

Higher self: Contemplate it. There's also a book on it, Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihaliya. 

Lower self: You know what else I don't understand? Why is it that contemplation requires thinking consciously but then there is another state of consciousness, let's call it samadhi, in which you turn off your thoughts and focus on one thing, and everything else disappears. Which is better for finding out the Truth, these methods are polar opposites.

Higher self: That is something that I guess you are going to have to find out for yourself. 

Lower self: Thanks, I'll talk to you later. 

 

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #39 - Thu Aug 24th '23 - 4:48 AM

Ben: God, I'm really fucking sad and embarrassed. what should I do?

God: Do you want to feel sad and embarrassed?

Ben: Yeah... I guess I do. Because I feel as though I should feel embarrassed.

God: And why is that?

Ben: Because I did something stupid, really fucking stupid. 

God: Is there anything that you can do about it?

Ben: Yeah, apologize and move on.

God: Okay... Then do just that, nothing more. 

Ben: Why not more?

God: What do you want, more drama?

Ben: Yeah sure... I think that I like the drama. 

God: Why? 

Ben: It gives me a reason to live. Its like I want the pain and the loneliness and the hurt. It gives me something to FEEEEEEEEL. Is that messed up?

God: No... not at all my son.. this is what being human is all about. 

[Spiritual Warrior]

 

Whispered something in your ear
It was a perverted thing to say
But I said it anyway
Made you smile and look away

Nothing's gonna hurt you, baby
As long as you're with me, you'll be just fine
Nothing's gonna hurt you, baby
Nothing's gonna take you from my side

When we dance in my living room
To that silly '90s R&B
When we have a drink or three
Always ends in a hazy shower scene

Nothing's gonna hurt you, baby
As long as you're with me, you'll be just fine
Nothing's gonna hurt you, baby
Nothing's gonna take you from my side

And we laugh into the microphone and sing
With our sunglasses on, to our favorite songs

And we're laughing in the microphone and singing
With our sunglasses on, to our favorite songs

Nothing's gonna hurt you, baby
Nothing's gonna take you from my side