Spiritual Autolysis

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #52 - Sat Dec 3rd '23 - 1:30 PM

 

I Was Mad at You Because You Bit me.. and it Hurt

Oh.... Spirituality... How I have missed you. There is nothing more pure than the pursuit of enlightenment, of God, of truth. I am sorry that it's been so long, but I needed a break... I was mad at you because you bit me ... And it hurt. 

I touched upon something sacred and you beared your teeth at me and gave me a snip on the arm. I had thought spirituality was all rainbows and butterflies but it isn't. No, it can be very difficult and painful .. beautiful... gorgeous, always that but also painful. 

I didn't want to deal with the pain, with the truth, but now I am back, ready to give it another go. 

 

Lower self: Yes, I am back. 

Higher self: What do you want to get out of this? 

Lower self: I miss you. I miss spirituality. All of these social games chasing material desires are so shallow, there's no depth to it. It's boring. And it's just weird. It feels like I am being fake constantly. And not fully doing what I want. 

Higher self: What is truth? 

Lower self: Truth is the highest ideal. It is the best thing that you can pursue. It is the ultimate pursuit. 

Higher self: What about the pursuit of God? Surrendering to God, Surrendering to the universe?

Lower self: Why is surrender important? 

Higher self: Because without it, all there is is control. Control of other people. Control of your own  environment. No one cares that you're not doing well. It's all a mind game. A manipulation game. Why do you want others to care about you anyway? What are you gaining? 

Lower self: I'm gaining their acceptance and approval and love and sex in some circumstances. 

Higher self: Is this what you want out of life, to be accepted and approved of and loved and to have lots of sex? 

Lower self: In a sense, yes. I can see that my egoic structure needs these things. He needs to feel the love and acceptance, but I have higher visions. I want to make a positive influence on a large group of people. I want to give to others, to help them out, these are my higher ideals. 

Higher self: What are you doing to actualize your higher ideals? 

Lower self: I don't know. 

 

My selfish thoughts over the past week: 

Why do they like him and not me? 

What's wrong with me? 

Why can't I be loved more? 

Why can't I act differently? 

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #53 - Mon April 15th '24 - 11:51 PM

In this entry, I am going to attempt to talk to Jed McKenna, author of the Damnedest trilogy. 

Me: Hey Jed, do you mind if I ask you a question?

Jed: Sure, go right ahead.

Me: You talk a lot about giving up your attachments in order to attain spiritual enlightenment. What does this mean? 

Jed: Human beings are wired to want to survive. Developing attachments to things that will help it survive is the name of the game here on Earth. To attain enlightenment, a human has to recognize what attachments are at their core, what is the unfounded truth about attachments? What are they? Why are they here? Do they really exist? These are the questions. 

Edited April 16 by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

🌍☠️

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #54 - Thu May 23rd '24 - 4:41 PM

I'm reading SE: The Damnedest Thing by Jed McKenna again and it's got me wanting to start my spiritual autolysis journal back up. This is by far my favorite spiritual exercise that I've stumbled upon. I'm basically just questioning and contemplating reality and existence by journaling. That's all this is.

Over the past year, I've started to make bold life goals for myself, such as I will have a girlfriend by this date, I will have an apartment by this date, etc... they don't always come true exactly as manifested, but they always push me towards the direction that I want to go.

Last year, i made a goal for myself to have an enlightenment experience on September 29th, 2024, maybe this journal can help me get there.

Higher self: Okay young Padawan, what is true?

Lower self: The body that I inhabit will die.

Higher self: What does it mean when something dies?

Lower self: When something dies, it loses it's consciousness. For example, if I were to die then I would no longer be conscious, I would no longer be able to breathe, to walk, to talk, to smell, to taste, to exist really. The body of this person that I am will no longer exist.

Higher self: What does that mean for you, the real you?

Lower self: Well I guess I would die, I am the body aren't I?

Higher self: I don't know, you tell me.

Lower self: I feel like I am the body because I experience everything that this body experiences.

Higher self: Where is this "I" that you speak of, is it in the brain, in the heart, in your fingertip... where is it?

Lower self: I don't know .. it's just there. Does it need a location?

Higher self: Okay, excellent question, does something need a location in order for it to exist?

Lower self: What even is a location?

Higher self: Sure, let's start with that .. go on..

Lower self: The location of an item, let's use this bag of beef jerky right next to me.. it is sitting on a windowsill. It is two feet away from me. It is laying down nutrition fact side up, that is it's location.

Higher self: But what is a location? Youre not answering that question.

Lower self: Okay fine. A location is the measurement of one item relative to another. If I were to say that lamp is 3 feet away from this bag of jerky, then I am describing the location of the lamp relative to the location of the beef jerky.

Higher self: It sounds to me like location is very much a relative thing. If it needs something else, then it is relative and cannot possibly be an ultimate truth and therefore can't be used in truth talks.

Lower self: What do you mean? We can't talk about anything that's relative? What the hell are we doing here?

Higher self: Calm down. We are stripping away everything that is relative. At the end of the journey, we will have one thing that is true without any doubt. If it's not truth, then it needs to go, that is the nature of this work.

Lower self: Okay fine then. So that means that location is relative and we should no longer talk about it. Why did we have to cover that anyways?

Higher self: I asked you where the "I" that you identify with has a location and you said that you didn't know and then started to ask yourself what a location is, now that we see that location is relative, it doesn't need to be talked about anymore, do you see how that works?

Lower self: *Pauses for a minute* Yes I do. Now where do we go from here?

Higher self: We go back to the original question: what is true?

Lower self: The body that I inhabit will die.

Higher self: Who is "I"?

Lower self: I is me, it's what I experience. I experience things. I see things. I get sad. I get angry. It's all on me. Me. Me. Me. I. I. I.

Higher self: Okay, then where is it?

Lower self: I thought we weren't talking about location...?

Higher self: If you exist, shouldn't you at least be able to explain where you are in a relative sense?

Lower self: Okay fine. I am sitting in this chair at my father's house, in my bedroom, on planet earth.

Higher self: These are all labels. Where are you?

Lower self: I can't use labels...?

Higher self: No.

Lower self: I don't have a location because location is relative. I do not have a location.

Higher self: Okay, now we're getting somewhere.

Lower self: As a matter of fact, nothing has an actual location. Location is relative. Location is an illusion. There's no truth to it. If I don't have a location but I still feel things, then I am experiencing something aren't I?

Higher self: I don't know, you tell me.

Lower self: I don't have a location but I do experience things, emotions, thoughts, actions, pain, death.

Higher self: Have you experienced death?

Lower self: No.

Higher self: Then how do you know that death is a real thing?

Lower self: I don't. But I do know that the body dies.

Higher self: Where does the "I" go when the body dies?

Lower self: The "I" might die with the body, I don't know, how would I know? Or maybe the "I" is eternal and it never dies.. but I have no way of knowing...

Edited May 24 by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

♾️

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #55 - Fri May 24th '24 - 11:02 AM

Higher self: What is true? 

Lower self: It is true that I am 

Higher self: You are.... What exactly? 

Lower self: I just am. I am here. I exist. I am is all that I know, which means that I will forever exist because it is all that I know. Therefore I must be eternal. 

Higher self: What does it mean to be eternal? 

Lower self: To be eternal is to live forever, eternal is the opposite of death. There is no death in an eternal realm. 

Higher self: Is the universe an eternal realm?

Lower self: Yes, I think it is. 

Higher self: How do you know? 

Lower self: Because... I am is all that I know. It is quite literally the only thing that I could possibly know for sure, without any sort of doubt. If I know that "I am" or "I exist" and this is the ultimate truth and the ultimate truth is permanent, true without any ifs ands or buts, and the truth goes on forever, then I am eternal. And I'm not talking about the body by the way, I know that the body will decay and die in the relative sense, but I am eternal. This is the truth of the universe. We are all eternal. Everything is eternal. 

Higher self: Okay .. lots to unpack here. How do you know that the truth goes on forever? 

Lower self: The truth goes on forever because it is infinite. 

Higher self: How do you know that truth is infinite? 

Lower self: The truth .. the one truth about the entire universe must be infinite because it is all encompassing. For something to not be held back by boundaries, it has to be eternal, infinite, to go on forever. 

Higher self: And why does the truth have to be all encompassing? 

Lower self: Because if it wasn't all encompassing, then it couldn't possibly be a truth that is the truth without any doubt. 

Higher self: Okay, lets summarize what we have so far: We are trying to find out the one truth about the universe. We are trying to solve life's greatest mystery. We know that for there to be one truth within the universe, this truth has to be all encompassing, it has to be the ultimate of ultimate truths, which means that it can't be dependent on anything else, it needs to be boundless. For something to be boundless and completely independent, it must be eternal, it must go on forever and forever, in either direction and everything in between. We also understand that "I am" is a deep truth within the universe. And if I am is true, then I am is also boundless and infinite and all encompassing, which means that "I am" is eternal, it goes on forever. My awareness, the awareness that I am experiencing right now is boundless, it goes on forever and ever and ever....

Edited May 24 by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

🌊

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #56 - Fri May 24th '24 - 12:14 PM

Higher self: What is true? 

Lower self: Ben is not real. 

Higher self: What makes something real? 

Lower self: For something to be real, it has to be true without a doubt, it has to be so concrete of a truth that nothing can possibly make it feel like it's not real or that it's not truth. There is nothing outside of it telling it what it is and what it is not. It knows exactly what it is. 

Higher self: Okay... Sure. So truth is the only thing that's really real? 

Lower self: Yes, that's correct. Truth is real, everything else is fiction. 

Higher self: And what is the truth? What is the truth of the universe? 

Lower self: The truth is that everything is eternal. We are all eternal beings. As a matter of fact, there is nothing separate from me, we are all one, swimming in an endless pool of infinite possibilities. There's no escaping the pool because there's no where else to go. 

[Spiritual Warrior]

💁‍♂️♾️

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #57 - Fri June 7th '24 - 8:11 AM

Higher self: What is true?

Lower self: It is true that the universe is infinite. 

Higher self: How do you know that? 

Lower self: The truth, the ultimate truth has to be infinite because if it was finite, then it wouldn't be an all encompassing truth, it would be a falsehood in the ultimate sense. 

 For something to be true without a doubt, it has to be able to hold everything inside of it, it can't be beholden to anything, it needs to be able to stand on its own two feet.

Higher self: What makes something a falsehood in the ultimate sense? 

Lower self: A falsehood is anything that isn't true, plain and simple. That is why we say that this egoic structure is a falsehood, because it is not an ultimate truth within the universe, it's a relative truth that this egoic structure has constructed. If we want to be truth realized, we have to go deeper. 

Higher self: Let's combine a couple of statements together, we know that "I am" is an ultimate truth within the universe. "I am" means I am conscious, I am here, I am experiencing things, I am existing, this is all that I can possibly experience and therefore is an eternal truth within the universe, I am will always exist, I am not going anywhere. The second truth that we just came up with is that the truth is infinite, which means that the truth goes on forever and ever in all directions. If we were to combine both statements, we come up with "I am" is infinite, which we should be able to say is another truth within the universe. This means that I am will continue on forever and ever, there will always be an "I am" and always has been. I am an infinite being, that is a true statement within the universe. 

[Spiritual Warrior]

On 10/5/2023 at 1:42 AM, Spiritual Warrior said:

Lower self: It means that I am is all that there is. I am ... its the awareness... its the present experience... thats whats real. Not the present experience itself like the sensation. The sensation of an emotion is not what truth is. Its the fact that I AM able to experience the emotion. I AM ABLE TO experience things. That is whats true. What I'm seeing is not truth, what I'm smelling is not truth, what I'm hearing is not truth, what I'm feeling is not truth. Truth lies within the perception of all of these things, its the fact that I AM able to feel, smell, hear, think. I am, I don't exist necessarily, I just am. 

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #58 - Fri June 7th '24 - 9:22 AM

🤹🏇🚣🧛🫅👰🧑‍🚒🧑‍🍳🧓🕺🫄🌷🌵☃️🌦️🌛🐯🐭🦓🐊🦖🦬🐘🦫🦨🐣🐋🦗🦠🐞🕷️🦐🌽🍣🦞🍭🍷🍪🚎🏫🏟️🧳🎂⚽🛹

Lower self: I find this quote by yours truly quite profound. It is creating a separation between the thing that the one is experiencing and the experience itself. I am means that I am capable of experiencing this thing, it does not mean that I am the experience itself, although maybe I am the experience itself as well... If everything is infinite and everything is one, then aren't I the one experiencing the experience and also the experience itself. 

Higher self: Give me an example.

Lower self: Okay, so I am eating a piece of steak, right. I am experiencing eating the steak. I know this is a truth within the universe because I AM experiencing the steak and we've established that I AM goes on forever and ever, I AM will always exist, which also means that everything that everyone else experiences is I AM... Does that mean that I AM also experiencing what everyone else is experiencing, meaning the other humans... And the other aliens... And the animals... And the plants .. and anything and everything that you can think of? If I AM is true, then why would it only account for this current body that I inhabit, that means that I AM is an experience that I can experience within any body or thing within the entire universe. If I AM is truth, then that must be the case. Wow that's scary. 

Edited June 7 by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #59 - Fri June 8th '24 - 7:54 AM

Higher self: What is true?

Lower self: It is true that "I am" - the I am ness that I experience right now in this body is eternal, it will never go away. I just happen to be experiencing this I AM ness in this current body, but it will be here forever.

Higher self: How do you know that?

Lower self: To be honest, I don't know it for sure, but it seems to make sense because I am is all that I could possibly know, it is what makes experiencing things possible within this body. I am here, I am typing, I am smelling, I am sitting, I am dancing, this I am ness is here right now and will never leave me.

Higher self: Whos to say it won't leave you when your body decays and dies? Maybe its lights out when you die, no more I am ness.

Lower self: I suppose its possible, but this I am ness has nothing to do with the body.

Higher self: What do you mean?

Lower self: The I am ness that I am experiencing, its not because of the body. If I were to chop off my hand, I would still have I am ness. If I were to rewire my brain, switch things up up there, I'd still have I am ness, if I were to take out my heart and replace it with a new one, I'd still have I am ness, if I were to take out my eyeballs, Id still have I am ness. Therefore, the body is not required to have I am ness.

Higher self: Wait a minute, what about when you were put under for heart surgery, there was no I am ness then... there was a period in time that you have no conscious memory of, you had no awareness of what was happening for about 24 hours. There was no I am ness then, was there?! Ha! I got you!

Lower self: You're right, there wasn't I am ness for that period of time.

Higher self: And how do you know that there wasn't I am ness?

Lower self: There wasn't I am ness because I was not aware of anything, I wasn't able to experience anything, the I am ness wasn't there at all. From my perspective though, I fell asleep in a hospital bed in one room and then immediately woke up in a hospital bed in another room. Therefore, I actually have no experience of not feeling I am ness, the I am ness from my personal experience did not go away at all, it has always been present. However, there was a period of time in which I was considered unconscious, and from what I can imagine, my body was laying on a hospital bed, they stopped my heart, cut my sternum open, replaced my valve with a cow's valve, and then stitched me back up.. but of course I had no awareness of this happening.

Higher self: Okay, now things are getting interesting, lots to unpack here. Lets summarize, so from your personal experience, you actually did not lose I am ness, you experienced I am when you went into the surgery, and you experienced I am when you came out, from your perspective, nothing happened in between. Now here comes the issue of time, the reason that you feel as though the I am ness was gone for a period of time was because time went by and you were not conscious during this time period. Therefore, you feel as though the I am ness was not there. Now answer this, what is time?

Lower self: Time... time is a measurement that is used by humans to measure... I'm going to need a second to think about this actually, let me get back to you.

Higher self: Okay, no worries. Nice progress here, this is all a mind fuck, I know, but keep working at it, you are getting somewhere.

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis - Journal Entry #60 - Sun June 9th '24 - 12:14 PM 

🕜

What is Time? 

Higher self: Time. Time is nothing but a measurement that humans constructed in order to first of all measure one full day. We humans decided to equate one spin on the earths axis as one full day. This has made it easy for us to break things down, we were then able to create weeks, months, years, decades, and centuries. There are 7 days in a week or 7 spins on the earths axis, 30 days in a month or 30 spins on its axis, 365 days in a year or 365 spins on the earths axis, etc. We humans all have these clocks, they are wired into our phones and are all over our houses and are literally everywhere, this makes it easy for us to schedule things. For example, I want to meet up with my buddy for drinks at 3 o'clock, then I have to go into work at 4 o'clock, I get out of work at 10 o'clock, etc... The time that we use here on earth is not an inherent truth at all. As a matter of fact, there is no truth to it, it's just made things easier for us humans and it makes a lot of sense to break things down this way, good job humans ;). Now, let's get back to what we were talking about yesterday about I am ness. We had I am ness while going into surgery and we had I am ness coming out of surgery. Although "time" (which we are defining as humans' constructed measurement of days/weeks/months did technically pass, the I amness was ever present, now what does this mean? If time is a construction made by humans, then it doesn't belong in truth talks. Therefore, the iam ness has never left me and has always been with me. Just because the earth did one spin while this body was not conscious for it does not mean that I am ness was ever lost. 

Lower self: I don't understand... Yes it did. The I am ness wasn't there for an entire day. The earth spun and you... Or we... We're not conscious for it. What are you saying? 

Higher self: I'm talking truth. Time is relative it's NOT absolute and therefore doesn't need to even be considered. I understand where you're coming from as a human being. To you, missing an entire day due to being unconscious is a very big deal, but when we are talking about the ultimate truth, the absolute truth about the entire universe, about reality, we don't have time for talking about anything relative. The truth remains that your I am ness never wavered, you've had it ever since you were born. Understand? 

Lower self: *Pauses Yes, I understand. We need to trim off the fat, and whatever is leftover is the ultimate truth, I get it. But I did not have I am ness before I was born. How do you explain that? 

Higher self: How do you know that you didn't? 

Lower self: I don't really. I don't even know what my first memory is. 

Higher self: Try. 

Lower self: I remember when I was in pre school, I got in trouble one time because I got in a fight with this kid, I punched him in the arm. My teacher told me that hitting kids was wrong. I knew it was wrong too at the time, but I had felt like he had treated be unfairly. I'm having a hard time remembering anything prior to this incident. 

Higher self: Okay, you just came up with a memory, what is a memory? 

Lower self: A memory is like a VHS tape, I'm able to pick it up and put it into the TV whenever I want. The memory plays on the TV screen, which is my brain, I can watch it once or over and over and over again.

Higher self: Okay, so it is a picture that is in your mind. Is there anything true about it? 

Lower self: Well, no. It's just a picture, and I don't even know how accurate it is, I mean how could I? It happened 26 years ago. 

Higher self: So the memory is not true? 

Lower self: No, I guess its not... And I know what you are going to say next, it does not belong in truth work, yeah yeah yeah. 

Higher self: That's correct, memories do not belong here, throw them away. 

Lower self: Then how would I know when my I am ness came into being? 

Higher self: You don't.

Lower self: Well if I don't know when my I am ness came into being, then maybe I can assume that it has always been with me. 

Higher self: Yeah you could assume that, but we're not looking for assumptions here. Trying finding the truth. 

Lower self: The truth is that I am right now in this current present moment. Anything that happened prior to this moment is NOT truth because it is just a memory from my perspective. Which means that my surgery is not truth, my girlfriend is not truth, me being born is not truth my friends are not truth, the NBA finals is not truth, none of it. None of it is truth except I AM. I am ever present, I always have been and I always will be. 

Higher self: If anything that happened prior is a memory and is not truth, how can you say that you are ever present and always have been? 

Lower self: You're right, I can't. Anything that happened in the past is not truth. I need a break from this though, I will talk to you later. 

Higher self: Okay, good progress today. Let's do a recap in the next session. 

Edited June 9 by Spiritual Warrior