Reflections Flow, Expansion&Contraction

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am thankful for finally getting laid with a hot and young girl as well as having good sex
I am thankful for meditating today
I am thankful for going into the gym right now
I am thankful for improving my dating skills
I am thankful I am not banging and dating girls for long who are incompatible and unfit to me
I am thankful for the beautiful weather and envisioning the future

[ValiantSalvatore]

I continued reading the book it takes for ever and cracks me up, as I see more of the orange/blue liberterian reality and libertine = wüstling/freigeist etc. 

It's still odd to contemplate all of this and move more into the animal domain of life and simply embrace it. The girl was quiet hot I am legit proud of myself in a sense that I laid her and fked her for 2h. She legit hided the condom first, dude I was amazed by how far I could got and how much girls enjoy raw animalistic pleasure and dominance, I could have done way way way more, yet I lost a lot of edge. I would like to see how hot yoga would go and more just "deep domination aspects of sex" as well as how this connected this time to the value of connection also senses etc. 

I could sell myself better.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Overall I am learning immensely with little experience. The point is making it enjoyable and beign grateful and not a doormat, to integrate animal & god at the sametime. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Currently I am contemplating what life choices I could have done to find it was good to get laid, I don't enjoy at times beign human.... I just started to enjoy it more I also would appreciate it more if I'd had an animal. As I would think more about life. I just have some plants here, yet they are very small. The point for me currently is the following. I don't know exactly what happend that I feel internally that I've downgraded as much. I feel that connecting to women emotionally and sexually currently is the best gateway, I notice how social contagion is being funneled into me. There are some dreams and desire I'd long to create, yet fundamentally the girl from yesteday ish? Was really perfect... I just miss that having masculine friends is great. As well as working on projects that I love and the underlying pain just at times does not want to make me work harder/smarter...

Usually stuff does to happen, especially when I show my face... somehow humans appreciate me besides some envious dogs and clowns. I remember also how currently all patterns happen. I bet I was the first one she banged over Tinder as new accounts generally like me more than older ones. 

I might have neglected the coolness aspect of materalism a lot, and the more stage red type of assertivness and animal type thinking... materalistically, although I've burnt plenty of it. What I can for sure tell is the following.

• My vision was never as crip and clean and sequential as I'd hope it'll be
• The intellectual domain is and was a level of escapism that I did not see before as deeply, it's also growth
• Having a girlfriend that I can count on and I can giver her security would make me feel more happy than having a lot of ONS
• Dating a stage green girl that is impractical is not good
• I legit would say a lot of things that would disclude me from yesterday, like I love her etc. The memory is nice to open my heart.... 

I wish I would be in the working force, yet ultimately all of this suffering is just there. Even today when I make a huge list of what makes me happy. I would say depth, not my abillity to produce depth physically is restricted... emotionally I dunno due to meditation. I legit dropped into a very deep lethargy when I did not drink coffee omfg. I did not believe it. just taking more action and successes make me happy.... I never noticed how much I crave success, yet I've been around to many merit type of loosers, who made it tricky to embody the emotion and solo successes for sure are different, they just build baseline confidence. Yet success in some socially respected domain for sure can create happiness in me. Generally just doing social activities successfully not work, yet a gym visit etc. And then the seperation of that... I'd still like to relish in the success of yesterday. Yes! I finally got laid after messaging so many girls and producing so much effort and pre-planning and it was just one single girl, that was almost neatly as perfect.....

And I did not enjoy it that much, even if it was perfect.... yet that makes the dream good no? I have tears in my eyes typing this. She might intutively been even higher as she was an INTJ with a more uncommon life experience my wild guess... yet I showed her also my scar.... that I have since birth.... it might just be stuff in my head is more enjoyable than things in the real world.... 

I loved it how she caressed it and said it looked like thunder... I just loved it that she narccistically enjoyed my body, that I legit before worker so hard to train, just to build also physical not only mental intimacy. I miss having more romantic type of experiences.... many of them were better in memory than in person.... for me at least. The girl I deeply loved and we went to Paris and I thought about kissing her on the eifel tower constantly both thinking oh this has to be perfect, and she legit often walked away when I felt the intention to do it. Beign more practical creating more flow and goals. Having more love and access to depth.... emotionally, physically, mentally, intellectually.... what else is there legit to do?... spiritually.
-----
More real world thoughts:

The city might overall still be to small to consistently meet and get new girls. 
Scheduling a masculine shooting and buying some sunglasses etc. other steps that give me joy. Buying some products technical products and development. I don't see progress that well and I found a new other community where I am very much appreciated.... this also feels so good.... 

I just don't know exactly. I really enjoy it to dominate physically, I notice I need more smaller rewards. I enjoy to be seen on camera I love to self-reflect. Even if I'd be an A.I I would find flaws in my abillity to do capacity X. How awesome is that? Is growth truely not ever-ending? What happend to my metaphysical inclinations to turned the pussy wet of girls like this yesterday, what happend to intellectual domination instead of scyophancy. What happend to this type of linguist domination that so many enjoyed? That brought me even a lot of wins and mental advantages. It's mostly the channeling of stage blue expert thinking to higher ideas and releams for diversity and variety. 
----
Creating numbers, scaling products, making profits, cashing in, having money, spending more larger loads of money, beign an idiot at times, strengthening and hoening physical prowess.

And now Yoga on a discount 便宜 bitches  I can't man just someone send me to prision finally to have a ring battle with Andrew Tate. I dunno maybe I am just wrong. I am learning all of IT ALL OF IT!

How can I be so blind? The most ridiculous alpha pua does the female and the male stuff. It's ridiculous. 

Edited May 1, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

With enough experience in this I can even get out of the matrix it's funny legit. It's also something I could offer within a company etc. As well as would hone deeper skill building I would just go there tomorrow, omfg I can't belive I could make a tiny list also like Teal Swan and look for more details and continue with the shadow work. When I have more income I also include a psychotherapist every 2 weeks, to just work on me beign "perfect" at blue. I don't neccessarily... thing this will cease to exist... if stage orange last so long into age.... anyway. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Being stupid now once, then I am heading into integration of all, again meeting others usually gives me stabillity. I can fundamentally also then work within, without as well as beyond the social sphere in that sense. 

Edited May 1, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I legit can't do more and less. Doing less might not be that great for me and I just need some stretching also. I am implementing advice from 2017 I can't believe it, yet these meditator groups are not that good generally speaking. Not enough people.... 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Let's hope this does the trick and I can fully engage with what i enjoy and need also. As well as get rid of all of the stuff. 

Creating more fundamentals! Building on expertise... next shadow work session is stage blue perfecting and crafting type of stuff. My blue might be better than orange, I am not the best at orange although I have cravings for implementing blue to stage orange. 

Deida&Sex Audiobooks on! More masculinity that is healthy and more creations of interconnections.

Creating beats all. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I listend to the way of superior man yesterday and today while in the shower. I procrastinated because I noticed I was to much into spiraling down mode. 

The key insight that I forgot from all the intense workout I've did and the mastery process injuries... is that noticing fear is showing you your slightly working on your edge to overcome yourself and the current version of yourself. Also that criticism of men and beign able to take it is a test of masculine energy in terms of challenge. I completley forgot this nugget of wisdom as some might need stronger hits, while I am generally more gentle.... I receive plenty of this currently in this new group I am in, and it's and odd feeling having to proof my worth in that sense. That idea is generally different, I do believe others value me because of diversity and curiosity and newness which make it tricky, also for wisdom and knowledge, although I am more focused on applied wisdom, not knowledge. 

I had to digest the getting laid, part this was the first time ever I had sex, I did not want to write this publically at least in the dating section, as it's something I wanted to share with people closer to me. To my not surprise surprise nobody was that surprised as they all think I slayed 20000 women when they see me, it's incredible if I have layed 10k I bet this perception will increase to 200k etc. As I just seem to have some masculine presence that opens up even, the so called PUA's I mean why else would they be so kind to help me? Also lifters etc. 

Balance is an insane quality to develop, it just makes you intelligent I'd say....now I procrastinated and had to digest the stuff that happend, as I noticed I am not the best at receiving masculine energy post injury, I was good at it before and some really crave this saturn god eater type energy of me, like absolute neutral negativity for feedback. 

My father is quiet stupid for giving me a second name like this, last time I talked to him I absolutely lost it, because he was such a bitch boy I could not believe this creature is my father. All I can say. Let's see how far I can take masculine energy, and challenge and take more masculine energy and tests of love. I completely forgot this content and the German version of it I notice it does not stick as much in my brain. It's also a tad to soft.... 

[ValiantSalvatore]

50 min meditation approx. 

I am contemplating if I should go to the lecture, yet I will it's a better space and headspace I am in right now. With subtle planning and more social connections, social game and online game. Networking acting on synchronistic kind of events. Let's see how far we'll go.... 

I am grateful I slept with the girl from Syria and that she was a hot intellectual as well as intellectually interesting and educated
I am grateful I am not doing as bad as a seemingly 40 y.o indian guy he struggles immensely
I am grateful for the Yoga idea and for integral slightly sending masculine punches I completely forgot, I also can be hypercompetitive.... the idea of it gives me energy.... it's like I am harnessing dark energy
I am grateful for matches and likes from women who are oriential and deeply sexually interested
I am grateful for history in a sense and producing beautiful women from all over....

I am grateful for fun. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

-30 points for Leo Gura, beign not online giving whacks. I can integrate tolerating masculine energy more, it's a shame and masculine issue in a sense, the point is when I think about stuff without going astray. I also get headlights at times as well as the social conditioning of blacks is partially abhorent. I was shown also. 

I just realized. That I have to integrate legit ESTP 6w5 tendencies which is a total opposition to me, it's insane how much "bad luck" you can I have I legit realized that I am an uncaring asshole not a caring one. That is a fault when it comes to dating apparently or let's say attracting women and not the relazionship part. 

I am generally still on the fence with the girl I f*ed in terms of just simply having more girls. What I am confused about mainly and fundamentally is how much of an uncaring asshole I need to be. Where I can meet higher and lower evolved women. Also somehow I have the entire orient now beign more attuned to me, reading these downloads is still odd, and working on both ends. With more approaches I'd have more direct feedback. This is mainly and fundamentally it I would like to do a shadow work session now. Somehow my internet is not working. I am realizing more stuff, as well as the issue of the liberal conditioning that is centrist, it's to much science based. I also find this tricky when a lot of intelligent people expect a lot from me etc. As I do a lot of work alone, it's odd to contemplate. 

As well as a lot of guys just expect me to be a man, I don't even know I stumble upon subtelties. This is also very tricky to contemplate and feel, especially giving perspectives and leading and making decisions constantly. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am doing an extra session because of this yoga stuff and etc. As well this was all a bit much to integrate and I skipped parts of uni for this sleeping long etc. The point is people want me to hold my word and I had femine role models it was never as bad to not hold my word you see? That is a serious issue. As well as my father never really held this word.

I just do a 3-2-1 process for now with the 6w5 guy from university

1)

It feels like I am an uncaring asshole that just works hard for his own benefit also to fit in with others and to have friends otherwise I am worthless
It feels like I am the one who recognizes that his value is not beign seen for who I am 
It feels like I am beign seen as a victim thanks to making fun of others and the expectations of having to be a stellar academic because no other role has been ascribed to me.
It feels like I am the one who is resenting himself for beign an uncaring asshole although generally it's pretty good thing to have.
It feels like I am the one who is unable to show uncaring strength by doing all of his homework and fitting in while absolutely resenting it, beign an undercover rebel
It feels like I am the one who is properly doing his work because of the enjoyment of logic and the task itself and masculinity not only femininity
It feels like there is a deep seated shame and fear of beign logically dominating and finding flaws as well as executing on them...
He looks like a tiny guy with long dark-brown hair, who has to be strong in order for others to make them not look weak while having to do stuff all alone in dire circumstances
It feels like he is one of the better students and enjoys the attention and appreciation of these tasks
It feels like he is one of the students who I get triggered by because he is more masculine than me while beign a nerd and smaller
It feels like I am the one who is scared of becoming more like him because it would give me more points beign the elite...
It feels like I am the one who is seemingly neglecting the lower stage of begin the elite and or better than others.... even when it's toxic
It feels like there is an unmeet need of having the power to defend
It feels like there is an unmeet need of having the abillity to do mathematics well 
It feels like there is a spectrum of masculine protection there
It feels like there are a lot of racist projections there based on unmeet needs and desire and predifned notions and stereotypes that are not computing in this guys brain
It looks like there is a need to have and be strong in a masculine way. 
It looks like he is capeable of digesting more masculine energy than me, as he simply has to be more masculine than me.

2)
What do I feel currently what gift are you showing to me? I am legit doing an extra session... you're not beign very intelligent here and act out of fear.

Who me or you? You mean you no? You stupid black cu**. Uhm.... this is what I mean you'll feel close to hitler, what is up with this masculine stuff and logic and hence denouncing others of integrity, what kind of domination are you showing me? I generate hate in me like you're some sycophancy lunactic who'd do everything to get laid, and now you just use logic to denounce and find proper evidence. What is up with this perspective?

You're correct because I am angry that you get girls for free. For free?? Are you insane how many projections I get and how many approaches I'd have to do even in total when they're less and the types of you just attack and create bitterness, you're the fervency of hatred. Why are you there? What gift you showing me today? That feverency of hatred that you call is the use of logica to be able to determine what is going to happen next instead of reyling only on your intuition, you never honed your logic only analysis. What I can tell you so far is that you fear logic and you fear acting more intellectually masculine, and hide it in a creative way. 

What else are you showing me? I am glad you say this to me. The point is you want to be like me when it comes to mathematics and you still want women and not be a nerd, while I also seem to have that persona and you too, we are both not using our masculine strength of perspectivel giving/direction and aggressiveness, and instead are not keeping our word out of fear. Why are you not keeping your word man? Dude at times I just experienced this to often, I don't know any better as well as how significant it is for others, I stopped hoping in a sense. What am I beign shown? You're beign shown you're own masculine strengths in terms of logica and anylsis, you are good at determening steps and procedures you're just afraid of doing it. You're also an uncaring asshole who does not care about the soul of the other human. 

Why do I fear pain so much? It simply is the case.... you fear pain because you're afraid of beign seen as a weakling, while it's the total opposite, you dislike it when others see you in pain and stress as somehow you internalized it as stupid and dumb to be in panic and stress. So what else are you teaching me currently? You seem afraid and you clearly now have a taste of what you want in life more after getting laid, you definitely yearned for so long to be good with women and are afraid of approaching younger ones, out of fear of rejection and repute. What is up with the repute thing? You seem like a dog that does not care. YOU ARE CORRECT I DON'T CARE ABOUT REPUTE AND YOU NEITHER, yet seemingly I am slightly better at it. Today you saw two girls worthy of approaching and getting the number, and all you thought about was the name of the girl you slept with while you did well dismantiling these thoughts, you realized how you enjoy it when women love your body and worship you as a king so to speak, you absolutely fking enjoy it. Don't lie to me. There are men who'd kill for such an experience and have to pay for this, you got it effortless for free, just by sheer luck? Was it luck? Tell me huh? Got slightly triggered?

Well I'd figured I could say I got lucky, yet I put myself out there and did approach and played my cards still right, so no matter how much luck, there is some skill involved. So why are you so triggered what do you fear currently? I am asking you that..... why do I fear you?

You fear interacting and beign thought from kids younger than you by a lot almost, and you fear all of these old wounds showing up, that you clearly see and feel and asshole fuck dogs riding on it like lethargic mentally handicapped cripples who care for nothing besides their own merit. You see the diffrence between an uncaring assholes and a caring one? You're afraid of the uncaring asshole and the reprecussions of it. What other gift are you showing to me? You certainly yearn to be cool, in the sense of repute of beign uncaring and cool about the repute. We both do see that.... all I can give more integration to do now!

3)

I am the one who cares about beign cool and having a repute, yet still does not care about it's gain and losses
I am the one who is an uncaring and strong asshole
I am the one who yearns to be more masculien through logic and analysis
I am the one who yearns and is acting intellectually more dominante
I am the one who hates and dislikes beign an academic, yet enjoys the learning experience
I am the one who neglects the stage blue expert mode and how it makes academic pussy wet
I am the one who is more interested in having beautiful women in an uncaring asshole manner and to stop caring about beauty like an idiot
I am the one who is afraid of masculine feedback as others do it so often to you, it's like when you do it they bring the entire gang and gang-rape/kill you it works better 1 on 1
I am the one who is more like an ESTP 6w5 buddy who goes through the rough times and still comes out ahead of others
I am the one who realizes that others see more more as of a man as well as you enjoy more beign intellecutally a man and also beign masculine that way, yet this will get you a true emporer vibe
I am the one who is disgusted my mentally handicapped step-wise oriented kids, who are only seeing the logical side of it. I prefer the chances over steps.
I am the one who prefers chances over steps
I am the one who realizes that women are limited by what they do, due to their natural desires and inclinations and they prefer to make you strong
I am the one who negletcs is uncaring asshole side and the desire to leave others in the dust and dominate it's not good to repress this domination side of you.
 

This is mostly it...

[ValiantSalvatore]

Alright I have most info now again, I procrastinated on stuff, so I have to say a bunch of no's on the weekend and work now it's 100% vision on I don't know how often I've said this, yet I am taking small step by small step and listen to the ones who are not using stuff etc. Leo would not enjoy etc. As well as that just seems to unethical... Right now I am just confused about stuff. Which advice to take to follow and to implement so I am going to work harder to create abundance do yoga for my knee and build the vision that I had of my life, as beign a jacked software engineer in A.I etc. Also doing yoga and having spiritual sex. I am glad I started game and found some true souls in that sense. I would go out harder etc. No I am learning etc.

[ValiantSalvatore]

No idea. Hope the yoga stuff will fix things and workout. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Not feeling to well about my vision. I do feel well when I sit down and start and put myself into the studying room, yet I feel guilt and energy is draining for various reasons and habits I adopted, I can't simply break out of that fast. Mostly it's coffee and lethargy to get over the pain numbing exerpience to see someone die and nobody caring.... Maybe I am projecting, yet I can't really do it without it and I don't feel well at times because I am wasting time and I am having to many diverging opinions and I am not as flexible and fast anymore.... 

What can I reduce/minimize? I thought about hitting the gym 5 times instead of 3 times only to just have more power. I was also to fast to decive at times. I don't feel great particularly about how I am the only one currently without great job opportunities even when I was a better student than most etc. The merit ridden class fight and the enjoyment of many so called losers in my eyes was something that annoyed me also, the point is I react badly when I can't work on my own terms and I don't get a feeling of autonomey.... 

I am just not to enthusiastic about the journey, yet it can take a week a major decision such as post-poning an operation entirely and proceeding with training etc. Is still something else.... I can't expect to be done with it in a couple of days. I might need 2 weeks to acclimiatize etc. I just notice I have a couple of paradigms in me that are negative thanks to the liberal mindset of lethargy as well as when it comes to certain stuff like exellence. I would have choosen this, yet it's under the umbrella of freedom and autonomey. Nothing get's me up in the morning joyfully and the duty of having to exist at times makes it tricky for me, I hope when I have more bonds I can wake up sometimes I don't do this stuff for me as much as more for others, as I enjoy the recognition and attention and the healthy group dynamic. Just when there is to much lethargy I break, as well as to much discipline I break. 

I do need creative rechargement and some creative leadership position where I can implement ideas of my own etc. Just typing this idea and mentioning creativity and exellence sometimes others know more about you, yet also define you. The math professor is quiet good, yet she is also an annoying 3 she will do so many fking mistakes, based on wanting newness. As these people are rigid task executors. 

Overall I could again just turn on the camera I really enjoy looking and feeling well. Yet, I am on my wits end with which sports I can do properly. I am a bit tired of skinny computer science nerds also who are the maxim of patheticness at times. 

I will visualize now again and get as much feedback as possible and think about ways that wake me up consistently as I screw myself over consistently it's mainly connections I hope the yoga thing works. As well as I could do some IG posting, to get these numbers up etc. Reality is shady at times, yet this works for consistent motivation etc. 

Social support is what I am lacking the most, I left the other discord servers as there are to many stage blue indian, arabic types who add me and talk the only normal ones are from Pakistan somehow etc. They really enforce toxic masculinity and not healthy one. I never thought beign masculine could be such a huge topic for me in my life. 

 

I am grateful for getting laid and having sex with a beautiful girl for the first time without rejecting her as well as for lasting 2h.
I am grateful that I am integrating multiple perspectives now matter how rough the process
I am thankful for recognizing most issues of women stem from not beign loved and how much of a burden it is to have this knowledge as it makes it very complicated at this day and age, although deep love is simple.
I am thankful for opening my heart slightly.... I am unsure how to proceed the group is to orange, Leo is focused on himself 100% and I miss connection from non-liberal incel type assholes who neglect building anything like muscles etc. I am angry at this. This is also worth a shadow work session
I am thankful for realizing that my vision is 99.9% health oriented and I crave healthy food and sweets in the morning and that my body needs a lot of carbs a lot! 

I am thankful for this as well as watching more workout videos. 

Edited May 3, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Will drink one more coffee then start the day, I am not feeling to well thanks to not beign seen, and leveraging stage orange. As well as having more masculine friends and not bitter PUA's who don't have proper abundance I am clear on this. There is a difference.
----
I also can't record my squat record for dating etc. Due to injury....
Bench-press will have to be the new thing and I will most likely not attract the kind of girl through this.... as I love squats more....
The doctor was also not helpful he was such a fking bitter introverted hitler type asshole, with 0 knowledge outside of his domain, now I have to do yoga to stretch, yeah no I am already at perfect blue and messing things up.

I don't know why my life wants me to consistently create new things and introduce change. I am like a pillar for others while I am searching for a pillar, while I am the pillar, the lighthouse.... yeah no as long as I don't turn crazy in one of these lectures I am fine. I just really have to do more currently and turn on the camera to get social support in these rooms. 

I still consistently get compliments from women that is so nice and beautiful women tend to greet me, as long as there is not Chris Pratt etc Anyway. I just meditate now!

[ValiantSalvatore]

Quick -  I did 1h of the basline meditation that I did that is more zen-like to fundamentally utterly loose any sense of thinking and let go in all senses. I don't know if this triumphs vision, yet with the new huberman lab scientific insight, it's clearer that way to do it I also get more energy, and I can just use all. I am not the best at beign specific. I just use these short burts of vision more, as this fits my style as real life practice seems to win that over. 

The other point is now the implementation of vinyasa yoga and Jivamukti, so no idea I am legit inventing new style of meditation based on new style of meditation. I don't know otherwise I am not very invigorated, I enjoy not visualizing to much, yet going through the energy of the visualization and now using these short burts insights for skill development and going more with my gut and direct feelings. 

This was a fantastic session, yet it costs a lot of energy. It's been a while since I felt more clarity, clarity in senses was the biggest strength I've gained through using this open-awareness style and the creativity, I now use short burts for specificity and practice it more in the outside world. 

All in all it simply never mattered. I just use the technique that helped the most and get back to this... and switch etc. I am not a zen yogi who does this etc. and I do bad with just pure concentration. I feel very lethargic in sense and I can be more superfifical here...

Edited May 3, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

The point here is mostly that I seem to do better this way.... and can do more. I am most likely the worst student possible... I do great at the beginning and then totaly deviate . Let's hope for the best this helps me to wake up in the morning. Big focus in all of this is expansion and contraction flow with all and visulizations. I don't do well if I can't go somewhere a little crazy, be it even in meditation. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I don't feel well of not having things planned out and meeting manipulative lower stages, and I am beign constantly scanned for honesty I swear to the fking lord at times, I am legit very angry how these projections are causing repercussions I don't have any influence in. 

I don't enjoy how much blue planning leaves me empty, I hope the yoga does help with the other stuff I am feeling less angry I will gym tomorrow and properly plan and enjoy it. I don't enjoy the stage blueness and the perfecting aspect of it. Apply all principles and ask the new friend I have etc.

[ValiantSalvatore]

The point is I did not get this red line from the get go, I just notice as well as how it feels dealing with humans mostly offline etc. The point is the mastery curve is to steep at times, and it feels like I am walking against some endlessly stupid thing. Especially without enough matches. Also the concepts of positive computing are working in video games etc. I just don't have the right crowd and people anymore.... my generation is gone mostly and the newer generation and I am somewhat inbetween is still quiet different. 

I don't enjoy playing the human game, the video game (I rarely play more than 2h a week of any of this if even....) I just played was fantastic to get my mind of all the b.s. I miss having the opportunity to live in a more interconnected city with ressources.... instead this small town horseshit, that I left and still a more bullshit town that is also somewhat similar.

The point is to stick with a plan I do have to reward myself at times somehow, and I legit get most rewards from simplying playing a video game from time to time, I don't care about as much as having the complexity I just enjoy mastery in a sense at stage blue which I find tricky to challenge at a higher level, and across "lines". If I'd invent stuff etc. 

I dunno it does not help me to get laid, yet my brain simply then also wants to get laid after this for some reason, I still harbour power desires at this level, as this is what I wished as a teen, I don't enjoy as much the blueness of society I find it mind-numbingly emotionally deafening....

Sycophantic type of existence, I don't know what else to say and do. In terms of rewards legit a video game can be enough... I never thought also that this is a masculine activity, in terms of when I ask Chat-GPT but w/e.... 

I don't know what to say and do working smarter with the professor and feel like a stage blue dog, I don't enjoy it and sabotage myself I legit need another rebel at times, not some upholder etc. I feel like I am legit produced like some 1984 creature and charicature, without having any choice of individualism as she is an eastern based professor. She is good, yet her ego development is so low, it's abhorent. Then they complain and misconstrue stuff, and it robs me energy from enjoying academia.... it's not the same as a green level prof, that pushes you hard for a good reason, it's like a company mission to make you a soldier for the world. It's such a blueness shit with tinges of orange... she's fine, yet she is heavily heavily egoically at blue/Orange potentially Orange/blue, yet the point about mastery in these subjects is I need a way to get more consistently layed. 

Otherwise I don't enjoy academia as much. I will sleep and now properly plan and eventually just play that one video game or so, at the end of the day when there are no others things. I don't know how often I type the same shit, yet I don't know which new and old stuff works and which ones to fix when constantly stuff breaks and nobody gives me consistency besides fking wine, dating apps, studying creating projects, smoking weed, gym gains. 

It's ridiculous I did not smoke in 6 months+ besides the cookie that I ate, yet pursing consciouness without some fun is tricky still for me. I am not the best at enjoying things slowly etc. Even when I became more patient, I am not a very patient person. The girl I had sex with had the patience of an angle omfg, I did not believe it I felt it also the intention from the thriving in a world gone mad course....