Reflections Flow, Expansion&Contraction

[ValiantSalvatore]

I could make some smaller upgrades, yet what I don't enjoy is how I can enjoy blue discipline without feeling like some sycophantic wiener, who represses his masculinity and goes into manipulation. 

All pro for emotional expression, all non-pro for being a sycophantic man, who acts to much like this. I don't still quiet know who I became in this journey. I miss simply attractive liberal girls who are non-degenerate that seems to be impossible I've never seen it that bad via apps. 

I don't find the right content and books to help me out, I only have the new group to getting laid. I keep listening to the same audibook for months...

[ValiantSalvatore]

I don't know how I can enjoy stage blue I start to hate myself when I do it, as ai feel like this procreator for society and they pit me up, etc.

I wish I would not have moved here and wait for the Berlin thing...,yet it could have been worse....

I miss some muscles and some good pics that is it... I dunno how often more blueish love has been taken from me... I just dunno...at times...

[ValiantSalvatore]

As I took the new value of freedom&autonomey as number one, and I just listend to some stage blue book....and read some orange stuff in bed.... I do have to focus on discipline as beign the gateway...the point is I get so many social shits for this I which some would drop dead. If you laugh you're one of them. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Did 1h meditation. I feel better with this decision of seeing discipline as a gateway to freedom instead of with going with any societal notion of stage blue identities. I notice today, is the last day and I will visualize more sporadically, it does not work very well in a structured way when things are still not there. I get an immense pain alleviation from open-awareness meditation and zen-type of meditation, as this also reduces activity in the insular cortex, and short burts of 5-2 minutes of visualization can be enough to gain skill. This is fundamentally what I did for years, the anger I can channel somewhat outwardly. Give my best to do this now more discipline (today the lazy-way) and look for the structures and audiobooks that help, most stage blue audiobooks do not help, they are just causing pain....1h more work etc. Many do this in tech to get ahead... this is such common practice it's forbidden. 

Identity shifts are closer to habit transformation. Doing this seeing myself again as a disciplined person is better and doing tasks, and beign in the liberal cam room etc. For some hope etc. 

The point is there is no short-cut I can change strategies, yet there is no short-cut and my conservative friend is bad in a sense, because he (political middle) for me conservative.... -> as he is simply not disciplined enough and has a very very extremely toxic mindset when it comes to dating "race" etc. 

It's heavy and it will not stop thanks to toxic blue. He's fine, yet I shut him down in the sense that I do not engage in these topics without the slight "orangeness". 

It's been sometime since I noticed the flow of discipline. I missed going back to what worked, doing so many new things visualization is okay, just better in bursts and retreats I feel for me. During the day briefly etc. Focusing on skilled activites and delibaretly for exams etc. Otherwise this is great to just reduce the pain perception. It's just helping me immensely and I enjoyed the identity of it, in terms of beign disciplined and hardcore and not some edgelord etc. 

That is fundamentally it. I will give full power to this. Go to the yoga and schedule these communcal activities and participate in communities that aid me. Next week I go to the lecture again that I am not going to today. I do have to remind myself of higher development and not only lower.

I am grateful for new matches with beautiful women.
I am grateful I slept with a beautiful arabic girl and that she played around with my scar eye-gazing me and seeing me as a warrior
I am grateful that I am in this group for the funs at times and good distraction of what not to do in attracting women 
I am grateful I can found the conviction back to discipline and the better way to deal with friends etc. and give this a shot, this also helps me somehow with status thinking as I careless and I move on
I am grateful for beign still strategic as well as I can. 

Even when I attract what I want, the amount of pain that I go through inhibits me from consistently engaging in these visualizations, when I can sit crossed-legged and I can train this now as I did not do the operation and will not do it. I might be able to visualize more fully with time, yet now .... it's better to reduce pain this is a survival quality. It's at times already way way way to much.

I bet she noticed it also during sex, yet she legit was 1w9 in patience that is serenity. 

Edited May 4, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

It's also better to plan yoga this way weekly and have some community there with younger women etc. This is fundamentally better planning. The point is when stuff breaks.... 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I saw a hot girl to approach I still worry about getting laid, and integrate advice. I hope stuff will be as good as I envisoned the guy where I handed in my applications sent me a blue heart, and I hope I can slowly build more style etc. On the weekend with clothes I was so lost. Also the amount of stress and idiocy as well as earnest desire, with which what I did what I did.... I just would enjoy more abundance when it comes to women. 

I applied for a free webinar for a Tinder review to get some ideas, I basically need some shades and a braclet again. Then some shorter pants and then simply the gym... the rest should speak for itself and do the yoga stuff now....

I wish I could have done this stuff earlier, and I still have issues with anger immensely when I let things spiral to much out of control as I have still a gazzilion of doubts some of them unwarrented.

I am pretty sure I would have gone into science... they all wanted it... and I usually love giving.... the point is I never developed myself to this and I don't know what works so I am looking at liberal, liberterian and conservative ways. The most I have to learn currently is from liberterian types. I am not masculine in my demeanour etc. 

The guy who I was gaming with legit, also knows about all developmental models. Rare to meet someone like this. He also knows escher&bach etc.
---
I am at high-end stuff and just have to take the more extroverted masculine beating, I don't deal to well with the introverted ones, that is it discipline itis now. Discipline will give me abundance, girls, sexy photos, a clean place, and some sexy cocklicks, yes I used that dirty language.

Let's use the energy, and be thankful I have it. Vision and or not, this type of meditation just works for me endlessly enough pain. It exists sure, yet enough of it. To many analysis as 4 in the Enneagram I take the most pain and many notice it and use it... ANYWAY

There are 2 high-end users in this most likely, yet this host is a scum apparently and uses the mystery method, I am unsure with all of this hypergamy stuff how dating at times still works.

The social circle with my more conservative friend is nice, yet sometimes also horrible and horribly manipulative I wonder at times what is worse... he is political middle, yet tbh I never meet something as negative as asian men when it comes to dating omfg. You're healthy and have a brain, I know my friend is not fully healthy, yet it's insane at times...

Edited May 4, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

It's also interesting to see how earnest stuff is and how I am double-screened for ten sources introduce 10 changes with simply my existence. I don't know at times. I know why I have a dark vibe, I purified a lot. 

Did some stupid purchase because I broke the bracelet and I just up my style,  I can't buy a new car yet I never noticed also and still notice everyday in meditation... I am one odd person when it comes to material possessions, I only care about high-grade technical stuff, and the guilt that money causes at times. 

The next shadow session will be about experts work and masculine energy receiving. 

The guy from the application stuff, sent me a blue heart I hope some stuff finally clicks... I don't feel all to well beign injured and running on funds etc. The point is the group work stuff and to many foreigners make it tricky, I legit want some extra money for the emotional stress of this... it's not fun.... when it's about documentation. 

The point is just from reading and learning etc and not doing mistakes etc. I don't do well if I only focus on goals, tracking sure etc. The point is for me discipline and getting results as well as the winning feeling etc. 

I am still not learning enough because there is no proper liberal type group to have exchanges, the liberal degenerates I feel are at times the worst, because they don't know any boundaries and the liberterians turnd midly ray-ray worst-case etc. 

To be more constructive and creative -> discipline -> do things I enjoy find new things I enjoy ask the group and here, the point is I am still learning I am dating now since two years I believe? It still sucks how slow this goes etc. The crux of it all I don't match almost a single German women besides on OkCupid. I do have to see they also don't care about this, yet it's the best original text-game practice you can get for free on the web still, Tinder etc. is very guided.

If you are only medicore text game is certainly important pictures is all, and you real life. The point is they hold me up to their standards etc. etc. Yet I don't know if they do it etc. 

I am the one beign scolded because I fit some ideal? It's odd!! I will still get my hands on some psychces most likely.... as there will be no surgery. Now I'll see what I can do and integrate.... I don't deal well with the naivity of liberal stuff, as it causes confusion at times etc. etc. 

I just gym max and see what I can do I enjoy it anyway....

Edited May 4, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

All in all I would do the following, if i could yet I can't reverse it and I thought investing in other stuff courses etc. is better, I should have invested in some external stuff that brings joy to others.... I have more fun having sex and listenting to music, than watching a movie I find it so distracting besides if the movie is extremely good.... 

Yeah I dunno how to be low-key status and masculine as well as have a well-lived life, in terms of well-being material posessiosn I need:

• Camera
• Drone
• Car that drives with stuff for bikes
• Professional clothes (even designer sorry, yet this is partially survival, but not much also!)
• TV upgrades
• PC upgrades
• Tablets for studying
• Some better material for knowledge sorting for notes etc. (I do have stuff)
• Coding stuff different desktops etc.

This is mostly it, I can't purchase any of these besides clothes and a tablet. This is it mostly.... I was idiotic, yet I saw how heartless even the best friends I've had are, I also could not stomach the conservativness of it, I notice it more and more how conservative my friends have been in terms of ego I was not wrong at all....

[ValiantSalvatore]

I miss the feeling of abundance and success. I am legit odd and a became a time-waster out of self-hatred, yet it's still tricky to apply that much self-compassion etc. Even with the most direct method etc. Hope this will generally hold now... 

Till now I feel more optimistic went through all principles and getting some feedback on pictures, even very late. I could do the stretching now and work on mathematics etc. The point is preperation and discipline and rewarding myself I hope the weekly planning and eventually purchases help etc... and I can continue working on projects. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Dunno what to say currently, my head explodes with idiot compassion and fking liberterian talk at times. I dunno what to think and I am annoyed by holiday fking germans. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I don't feel to well at getting angry and having to do stuff where I had issues with etc. and all of this help etc. The anger and exercise the gym I went to is way better, as it's larger and I can train better I feel. It's definitely good for a switch... The point is I don't know with whom to connect, when I call my mother for a problem I just yell at her and insult her, because she steadily attacks my ego and gaslights and she is one of the most heartless bitches I have ever meet, even when she says others wise. 

The point of this all of this makes me hate my existence, and I can't find a proper outlet and I feel I meet the wrong people, I don't know at times with all courses and talk what I enjoy and the talk about intuition reminds me how dumb of a bitch my mother is and it's only her. I hate her for beign such a looser. I dislike also the hypergamy standards in dating, and as a human biological creature there is not much outwitting this, I don't enjoy it. The few rare cases don't make up the garbadge I'd might have to date, as my home never prepared me for status and never relished what I loved, I don't know I just feel massive self-hatred when I can't engage with someone loving and my mother is a cynnical asshole and a men hater.

When I started the journey and I re-listend to David Deida I gave my best to open every girl up with love, when I listend to David Deida and be playful, yet I noticed what a bitter cu** my mother is after a while and that she no love for me only the physical existence of me. It's not easy to describe, she is not happy about my "existence", yet my physical practical existence. 

I wish she'd be dead at times.... so I am finally alone.... I do hate her for lacking emotional depth, she is one flat fking asshole and I wish I could be at least born in a somewhat normal family. I don't know no matter how much "trauma" work I do, what person I meet there are so many subconscious and subtle context issues, I don't know.... the gym session felt good, to get the anger out, yet I don't enjoy how I feel status is beign taken away from me and how much I think about status, as well as other men at times. As well as beign put down subtely for acdemic reasons etc. 

I can't deal with such shits, I don't like how low class my mother is absolutely not for me it's still to this day utterly embarrasing and I wish I would have never grown up with her shit. It's not good for my mental health to put to this degenerate wine and cheese slurping girl. I never enjoyed it.
---

I hoped another girl will do better, when I consciously choose a women that does not have similar patterns to her, as I really can't deal with her type of personality she is such a demanding fking asshole and never notices it. I don't enjoy her as emotional support, I legit never found a proper emotional support place not matter where I was besides maybe the psychologist, yet that was also because she had an animal etc. 

I dislike also beign a southener, as well as having to rely so much on external and never internal systems. I am out of power and energy to do any other things properly and I wish at times someone would punch her into the face bleeding, so she finally stops beign such an emotionally abusive asshole, and this stopped, because I became one to her. 

This is also where I closed down, I don't know also what I can do, yet I dislike how much of an ignorant bitter fking bitch she is, and projected this very early onto me with anger, and my father helped me with this.... 

I mosly coped most likely with video games, and sports. I don't know how else I could tolerate how dumb that level of curisoity is sorry for saying it, I still fking hate her for beign and unnuturing and helpless asshole. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Also when I empathize with someone who is like my mother it pains me to death. I also start hating myself, as I put myself down. 

I don't know who else to call at times, as when nobody picks-up the phone I also don't feel well. I don't do great with never having had the luxury to receive recognition in what I enjoy doing and when I love what I do I've been sabotaged by others, unfortunate happenstance, myself it's always about her and she does not notice. It's like having the same argument over and over again. 

Then I still don't feel like I am an "adult", it would also not change when I work full time simply because of anger and not being in a relationship. I don't enjoy how the relationship to my family is not enjoyable as I don't feel any pride for them I disliked her arrogance, when I started studying as it proved to her what a good mother she was in her brain. She had to tell everyone I don't like her character she might do good, yet I don't like her character as she is bitter and angry to often and we don't work. 

I could have called my new friend instead.... I did not think as far... as I dunno I just even with healers and therapist don't find the right one and in my teens I really wanted this libertarian type success. Just abundance with women and a very strong income. 

I also don't enjoy this co-dependent feeling and silence. Next time I will call a friend it just sucks for me to realize mf family is dead and I am reminded at them ever breath I take because of the scar... 

I don't enjoy that she always wanted attention and this happy family it really broke me to see how dumb and naive she is for believing I enjoyed it. I felt sorry for her, yet under all of this was a real need I could not fit and I stopped and told her also. Stop greeting me when you come home she still did it. She did it less it was okay, I did not enjoy and to this day how nothing was bought that was more education based...

Everything my father did partially and video games for her it was the relationship, which was for me all her friends without her as I enjoyed this as a kid "extended family*. 

I just so not enjoy how her anger projection and shaming in me and here socially caused a lot of repressed anger. Exercise& meditation breath work etc... I just feel likemy character&or personality that I've been building is lost. I don't know socially at times who I belong to and even with having all segments of humans in mind. 

I mostly find myself more drawn to outcast and mysterious types. 

My father really cares about education and my mother just did not care as her duty and then acted like this food stealing habgierige monster laughing in cynecism and jest saying that is not so bad. She legit creates looser that is what I feel my mother is at times a looser creator. 

I had so many negative mindsets I broke out off, and I am finally done I feel besides anger. 

I just don't enjoy that I don't receive social credit from humans I loved still at the beginning. I feel utterly betrayed by their egotism and I don't know if I can love any of them. 

I am also unsatisfied with this emotionally I don't know how I can help me... 

I don't feel well I terms if just finding support emotionally, I did my best with this rigid devil of a mother, yet she is simply evil negligent and overwhelmed one thing that is true is that she is overwhelmed by me. 

I don't know I might call Yu next time he is at least there for me... I don't know what I can do in terms of my love life. 

Liberals are legit all vegan and or degenerate. I stopped again focusing on politics. 

I don't enjoy my level of intellectual ability especially mathematically and I did very well in this subject till somehow the social sphere just hired harder. As well as I could never receive help from home with homework as my mother was out when I was in the 6th grade... imagine.... 

I don't the status consciousness etc. Although it's not celebrated to much until the first Tate type of guy joined I hope he leaves. 

I don't know if I can do any good in the world anymore. I just know I don't do well with stress and lethargy ever since my grandma died. 

I sleep now... I don't know what to look at and or do for a massive transformation as well as how I can move to the u.s ...

[ValiantSalvatore]

I find it at times difficult to describe what I feel, many friends of mine wished I had a father. They thought all having a black dad is cool, it never really pained me besides the fact that I could not provide it. 

I am also immensely disinterested in what I am doing at times I would just like to enjoy mastery and excellence. I barely gained anything visibly and I don't enjoy how. No matter what you tell me I don't enjoy being human very much, when I don't get human interactions and empty promises etc. 

I don't even know what I studied anymore and I feel abused for existence with the degenerate my mother is. Due to all love my father at least cared about the same things. 

I had 2-3-4 caretakers even 6 possibly at times only one I can connect to is my aunt, yet she is also very emotional and it gets to her this family is also just ill. 

I won't join the webinar as I saw the pictures of the guy who gets massive lays. It's good photos, yet uncreative... 

The irony maybe is the connection was so fking abhorrently Bad in my family that porn, sports and video games was the fix. I could not connect socially a lot as I basically get status cramps and I did not build any. I also don't care I just wish I would be world class at something and I don't know if it will be a.i. 

I at times feel life is not worth living and I don't enjoy how human evolutionary traits ... I am sleeping for real. 

I just don't care anymore as nobody seemed to be able to make me feel loved, besides myself and J am overburdened by responsibilities in my head somehow. I just don't enjoy that I can't seem to have a proper orange existence I become so toxic. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I feel a bit better beign more disciplined, yet my life still unfolds so paradoxically I am just prone to panic.... I read in a book about how damaging my mother is and she texts me the first loving message. After I wrote the stuff above yesterday this is what I mean I struggle and call I feel so manipulated by this type of person and the level of pain that I endure. 
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I don't also find friends who exactly engage in this truth deceptive type of behaviour, you're always, you're this you're that and shaming and blaming the whole time. They do this to gain power as they themselves are weak creatures. I feel absolutely dejected because of status and stuff. Doing game now and enjoying upgrading my life with the bit of online-dating here and there.... it does not fully seem to fit....

I don't know why it seems I have to do most of this alone....it's not even about holding hands it's just a little external support....I also can't seem to let go of her. I somehow also feel robbed of professionalism when I am being near her and emmasculated, because of how hard she hits on men without having any concrete value. Like house etc. Then she denies it also. 

I don't enjoy how "suicidal" this dynamic made me, I also though I could have a great life, yet I can't get around topics such as.
 

• Age 
• Panic&Stress
• Injury
• Relationships
• Dating&Getting Laid
• Computer Science
• Exercise

and the things I love...I don't know what I can do when the things I love have been taken mostly.... I don't know how to re-create and re-invent the story to also get external results....I also can't find creative friends... mostly lazy stuff.... 

I don't enjoy how whacky and insecure my upbringing is and the degree that I have now is not enough for me.... at least not here in the U.S I would care less... yet these are all so tremendously huge steps .... there is no coach for this unique situation, and I don't know how to create money independently I also don't enjoy it because all of this lazy energy comes up, I don't know why....

[ValiantSalvatore]

40-50 minutes, the old type of meditation.

I cry and let go of so much past, present and future emotional pain, I can't properly bring myself to exercise and I get a huge boost in god-like flow, as most of the type of "pains" I naturally have is in flow and talk space not visually. When the flow is one the vision is supreme, in that sense. I cried letting go of pain, I might use visualization more as a tool between bad days & sessions and integrate more with shadow work. This is also the type of meditation that got me disciplined, and started working on myself. I just do what I can do the point is I need some proper income, and system updates for years and I struggle to be very specific and narrow. It's worse than this. 1000% worse....I feel so unfullfilled, my whole life I am a symbol for diversity if I want it and or not etc.

- I am grateful for having ordered the book about sex from the guy I meet who is also more holistic and sees the reality of stage orange women
- I am grateful for beign beyond any lower stages even if it might not seem so
- I am grateful for saying even the most toxic things so I don't shut up and be some doormat that has paraxysm based on cuckholdry
- I am grateful for finding discipline and getting back to a more dominant and polaraizing stage blue existience. I am just sexist also at this point.
- I am grateful to be playful and a jester, even if it does not seem so. 
- I am grateful for finding more sticking points of what works, and happiness I need different authorities then Leo I have similar issues as with my mother with him, because of this cynnical brute force nature etc.

 

This is mostly it.... I am sticking to some stuff and create the weekly schedule move back to what work perfectly exercise, meditation and proper caretaking. Drinking shakes etc. proper planning and executing on plans, not this vision-based stuff that works also at 3.5 ... orange a lot.... so I don't fundamentally know how to deal with scyophantic types at times. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Small reflection about discipline and what happens when I get succesful the road to the envious and bitter computer nerds. It's heavy and I've never seen anything as prejudice as asian men, and black women. I don't enjoy saying this, yet it's by far the worst I have witnessed. I also have to plan and take more action simply, based on this free flow and forget that I also created already a degree that could earn more possibly 300-500k depending on where I work. I just need an opportunity. It's insane how I am supposed at times to just "take it" and asian men generally especially chinese have the worst type of prejudice possible that I've meet and I lived there, as well as other stuff. The point is it's only about power and social status. 

One other thing I observed is how little time I have, for creating what I want, I don't know what is happening with the seminar, yet it's an issue that the university here is odd, it's like a hidden death ball. I somewhat have to stay clear of to negative and toxic "asian types", I would never say this if this would not be my direct reality, at times I made different experiences from the time I was small, that is why I am even saying it. I find it odd, as they enforce a toxic masculinity that I don't like to enjoy, there is a difference between healthy boss-like attitude and "gangster/rebell cuckold" type of energy. 

I am beign honest here, the point is also doing enough in balance. Most goals I've had changed and beign disciplined etc. It might not be enough I don't know what fundamental shift allows me to have the breakthrough I am looking for if someone just tells me focus on one thing at a time, I do my best, at times there is so much stuff missing. I am just unsure because then I am beign discriminated, I am glad this is inclusion based, as this really forces THEM, not me imagine how stubborn and "ethnocentric" you have to be in this. 

This overall is critical, liberals needs healthy rebels, like healthy families. As well as centrists needs healthy rebels, and healthy families (the issue). The point is for dating here more Green is available to date me on other plattforms like OkCupid and Tinder and Bumble is mostly a Orange/green/blue mostly Orange phenomenon. Gyms also. I am unsure where to draw inspiration from at times. 

Key changes I am making again to just "accept fate".
 

• Weekly planning and cleaning
• Yoga&Exercise
• Food&Nutrition

I hope this fixes stuff, I will visit the gym also more often also for cardio etc. They all gave me the advice to do less, yet with doing less at times I am not attracting women, I've built the life I wanted and digressed. Let's make this also a habit, otherwise I am lost I take 1h and stick with it, I might need to get rid of some ideas and eventually when things work better, make a pause with actualized.org 

Eventually make even a 3 months no journal no reflection challenge as I do so much of it. My values I feel also shifted, I am unsure if I should stay on track with the life purpose course, soon it's my birthday one year younger... yeah! I miss the positive energy of attracting also young and spotaneous women, I don't enjoy seeing the old and lazy 30 y.o women who fall right into this liberterian centrist pattern and why they end up alone, it's obvious from many angles. This is why I also visit yoga etc. Might find something more evolved one girl (semi-hot, yet better than other stuff) seemed already quiet interested and I get a sex bonus thanks to skin-color. 

All in all the constructive side of going through this pain is worth the effort. The point is simply.... long-nights barely any balance... a lot of work.... possible missmanagement.... others.... and staying calm in adversity..... 

They told me to reduce also as an advice if I would take the oh so wise advice I would do:
 

• Visulizations based on success and in general
• Take is slow work long hours & rest
• Hit on girls at night time? 

I do have to see where I am legit contradicting myself, currently it does not seem to be the case, and the type of meditation that I did and experiemented around serves me well somehow.... I have more qualms with minor issues where I get angry, like shoes and clothings.

What realistically works is the stuff I wrote above. I do have to see this as development.... to get rid of this toxic inheld energy is the best thing I can do with my meditations.... this is mostly it I will schedule more concretely I see myself as a rebel now who fits inside society and not. I am a change agent, I don't know how to see myself to cause proper changes, as dating is not working without any status = security, which I struggle at times building. 

Right now let's focus on this building internal and external security and saying no to women who want kids, somehow my brain wants to abuse this mechanism for arousal, and deeper intimacy at times. Yet what I can say so far is this. I need to create a more secure foundation, that is why I applied also to more workstudent things, and also the callousnessness of others in general and the utility based pain-endurance etc. 

I am better of doing this torture of a meditation... as well as engage in health practices. I also love to loose my mind and come to my sense in that sense....let's build! Continue and get the negative stuff out and repair the older stuff. I might approach some women. First I build some strength again, and be very very strategic....etc..... I hope I finally get a students job, so I can be more attuned to life in that sense.... 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Briefly I bought some stuff, and I will just read some book that I've been neglecting and create more organisation also in terms of clothes. Just the more planning and caring and see how I can deal with anger.... I've been to much in neglect of creating clarity and beign disruptive... it's also a bit more in my nature, and I see how I can tame that inner animal more, I will also go mad to integrate some of the advice, and take the dog-licking scyophantic cuckolds type of INFP's who bitter bitch about stuff out of my life, that I've meet. 

The point is becoming a great man, and still beign manly and masculine I currently notice socities notions are still to underdeveloped to engage within that spectrum behind non-closed doers, and I am still reading signs... 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I feel I am ready now again for personal development. I feel thick face black heart currently is to difficult to integrate I deal with oranges and blues thanks to migration to much, and with more turkish people I get more Orange/Green & Green/Orange. I have to see, for now let's become unfortunately the belatetd (actually not) young professional, I missused this identity etc. For now let's do it! Let's be one the biggest hurdle I have is psychotherapy I do have to do it on my own mostly, the ones who are here, they force me into a social dynamic that is not, yet there. I am to aware of this, and I would do stuff, yet it would just turn into a cult. Doing yoga, the new book I bought on sexuality is bonkersly good, I do have to admit from a liberterian standpoint the intellectual side is intriguing, I am linking myself up and see myself more as a young professional rebel, in that sense and do work dilligently etc. 

Even if I might rage&mad. I am reading now also something on this, as I did not read this book before radical honesty. That is it.... 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I did not think being angry and expressing it what I do the whole time is so healthy and moves things forward. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Briefly refelecting I am unsure what to type and what I can say, I also don't know how some can stay so mentally healthy as they are not obstructed with thousands of stereotypes and threats, I had to many negative experiences with people who life in this country I regret not having taken the first chance to move out of here, after I graduated. I now have to see and apply I might also change my stuff as I don't seem to enjoy deep learning as much to data science etc. If I get a good taste for that... they recommended me this also NLP and reinforcement learning. Somehow, some way. Right now after the gym feeling the sun, seeing the sun and just basking in it I forget all worries. 

I listened to the audibook about pain and I can't avoid pain as much as I want it to and I adressed it quiet well before, I will most likely move more into the direction of pain and accepting pain as an invigorator to be happy independent of conditions relatively more, as this hypergamy and anti-evolutionary stuff seems to have a strong hold. Also meditation simply and working on dreams & goals, I find it tricky to get long-term enjoyment out of goals, because of a lot of put down from other men to up themselves in this "blue pill alpha ideal" of many "standard breadwinners", I am a bit worried about choosing proper projects etc. For getting my hands into stuff, the point is to leverage also autonomey I do have to do projects on my own I will finish the google stuff and nudge myself into data-structures I have more fun somehow working with phones nd stuff, I don't know I find this A.I stuff to dry and to scientifically rapey. It's like rapey science.

The joke was when I immediately arrived they sent job offerings to app-development and I did this as a focus in my bachelor, some advanced and non-advanced stuff. There is also some machine learning stuff here, I just don't know exactly why I have more passion and feel more love doing this I find this other stuff so heartless somehow.... I dunno .... will play one video game meditate, then do mathematics and do the Google stuff weekly, I just have more joy doing this at night currently, and I'd like to have coding as a hobby that stuff is all that I am learning now, is a site-trip for hobbies etc. All the mathematics etc. as I enjoy creating, bending rules etc. I dunno how else to describe. 
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This should give me more room I found a good course and the google stuff should be available relatively soon and I'll just greedily upload it, so they see I have done some stuff, and act stupid. As not beign a fool is worse as far as I can tell. 

The girl also seems to have a confident boost after I slept with her about her looks, and she was actually pretty hot, sure I could analyze flaws etc... I should tune into hobbies and hobbies was app development for me I somehow fell in love with it, as I gain respect also? I find it odd, I also get less shit from society, and it currently pains me to much and the mathematics that I am doing etc. Could properly prep me for deep learning and the more realer engineering type stuff. This is basically the idea, and to become fluent in programming languages and not other languages, and do manly workouts etc. and yoga etc. As well as apply this should nourish my heart. I am currently so starved of things I don't enjoy doing, as they put me into this linguist frame, besides the orange/blues who put me into the mathematics vision frame. 

The yellow~ish professors just also had support issues in that manner. It's odd to contemplate currently. I'll play one video game meditate and then create a schedule to learn this google java & kotlin stuff, see that I can apply upload this to github etc. I don't enjoy hidding plans. I yearned to be so competent that even when I reveal my plans I am immune to any manipulations as I mastered myself in that sense. 

I could have ranted about hypergamy and white society & beauty standards as legit some of them are standards and just lack of collective appreciation, as a hot body is easier to evaluate than hair, yet the issue of hygine, conservatives, fat manipulation etc. 

But hey, let's see if the abundance hunt can begin I just need a million city a pc, and a somewhat stable job and a camera and more connections. This should create the abundance I was searching for. 

As well as help with discipline the rigidity of society did not allow me to take C++ which is horrible I also struggle immensely mentally I still wonder why, it was mostly out of a lack of love, as it often felt my mother took love from me in beravement to her own desires, instead of beign nuturting she was only nuturing to me in competition I feel as well as when it was about hierachy upgrades.

My father was more chill as he knew the struggle and my mother is at times an arrogant cu** to be like this, she legit suffered under the marketing of individualist type feminist and business types who out do men and ala heartise have an alpha pussy, there is a difference between king&queen dynamic and alpha pussy.

The queen knows here place, alpha pussy is ruthless. Might be great sex, yet ruthless. I also don't match them I match more feminine creatures, also we all have trauma today is also shadow work session day. So let's continue enjoy create and craft. 

This overall gives me more security. 

Edited May 6, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore