For the lonely ones

[Vytas]

I wanted to write in this forum as I feel like a have something to share, not for everyone, but for those who feel totally frustrated, lost, bitter and hopeless.

In short this post is of my personal experience which I think some (maybe only one or two, idk) may find uplifting

 

I am almost 26yo and I just entered relationship. Before that, NOTHING, no hookups no kisses or any physical intimacy. But let me start from beginning.

From middle school I started noticing my physical and mental capabilities were not great. Psychically I was weak, very skinny, very narrow shoulders, huge nose (was bullied at school and all) had many allergies. Mentally I did great in STEM subjects and very poorly in literature and humanitarian subjects, had terrible social skills, basically if I have to guess, was a bit on the autistic spectrum. Girls were never interested in me (although looking back, some were I was just incapable seeing that). Know my own flaws, especially physical weakness I never pursued relationships, furthermore my poor social skills led me to ditch socializing altogether. At age 18-19 I told myself first, let me pursue enlightenment, mastery of meditation and then, someday I will go on dating. Well, meditation was okay, but I longed intimacy. So at around age 22-24, I overcome my physical insecurities and installed dating app. Through tons of anxiety I started getting comfortable being ghosted, rejected but learned a bit about texting. Went to overall like 5 coffee dates. The thing was I was very conscious about my looks and lack of experience. There was one girl which I liked, and knew she liked me, we dated a bit. Every time we met, at the end of date I wanted to kiss her, but my overthinking that she would judge for going for a kiss and doing it poorly that I started getting anxious and was stunned. During that time I hated myself for not rushing to kiss and touch her. Felt like crap. I also got a bit too attached, knowing that she might be one out of many thousands who finds me somewhat attractive I really wanted to push myself into intimacy. Like, " this is 4th date, I NEED to kiss her or else I am total failure". Long story short, things faded. I felt soooo much anger on myself. Also anger on my body. Anger on everything. 

Around that time, I was 24yo and this new thing occurred - balding. To all the cons of my body I was not ready to also add balding. This, I swear am not lying, triggered so much anxiety I almost got panic attacks. Like fuck, now I am really really fucked. This physical phenomena, plus my last failure in dating a girl, got me to stop dating. My world came crashing down - everything sucks.

I was in the lowest at my late 24 and early 25. At some days when I was about to get happy I looked into the mirror and that view as well as memories of my failures in dating triggered depressive (or perhaps just very very sad) mood. And so I naturally became frustrated and hopeless. I cant describe how bad my mental was during some nights.

About 4 months ago I went to a trip abroad. One day I was riding metro and in front of me was this couple, about my age, like mid-late 20s. Cute and lovely girl hugging in the arms of this guy, who also had very narrow shoulders, average face, skinny and bald. They were glowing, this warm feeling just hit me and the fact that looks do not matter that much to women, or at least to some girls. At that point my hopelessness faded a bit. It was there, but to lesser degree. Now I kind of had idea, love is alive, love is possible. 

After few more months I installed dating app again. Only this time no expectations, no rush, no "I need to be attractive" and "I need to be cool, chill and goofy". Just let me see what is there. I texted with minimal effort for a month. Went to 3 dates on the 3rd I met this girl. We vibed. She was chill. I was in no rush now, nothing to prove.

And slowly, naturally, with no manipulations and try-harding we started to hangout more often. I ditch a thought of "I need to make a move, this is already n'th date".  Over a few months we got comfortable with each other. Now we are physically intimate, we both had many first-time experiences and damn. I wish somebody told me that there is no need to be a rizz-god. There is no need to go on a thousand dates do a million approaches to find love. Its there. Just be. Be you. Fuck. It sounds boring. But its true. 

Hope this post helps to lessen dating-anxiety for some of you, who are lonely, frustrated and maybe angry as I was. 

Have a great day

Edited April 14, 2023 by Vytas

[Something Funny]

@Vytas that's a great story. Thanks for sharing.

[Something Funny]

Also, I get that this is not the point of the story, but why did being weak, skinny, and having narrow shoulders become such a limiting belief for you? Those are all things that you can affect.

[Chives99]

'was autistic' you cant get rid of autism its genetic. congrats man glad you finally found someone good on them apps, they can be quite exhausting 

[Vytas]

@Something Funny Good question. Indeed those features are bloated in my mind. Well I have a twin brother and he is big man, broad shoulders, strong and seeing him getting attention from girls when we were kids and from women now, it pisses me off sometimes. Its a huge insecurity I am working on but still, this hatred for those features is rooted deeply. 

Also at around age 21 I went to the gym with a buddy of mine for a whole year. We bought program from professional every 3 months, he measured us and advised us on diet. It was serious and I put hours into gym. As the year went by I got demotivated. He progressed I didnt. To the point where even our instructor was sad looking at measurements after a year. In general seeing my peers getting results kind of increased my insecurity about my body type. Working on acceptance. But still long way to go

[Something Funny]

@Vytas I see. Of course there are ifferent body types, some people can gain mass much easier than others. But it's not like your body type is bad. You just need to focus on your stengths.

So maybe instead of purely body building program get into calisthenics or strength training. And instead of having goals such as "I want my biceps to grow by x centimeters" set yourself skill or strength based goals. Like: learning a muscle up / handstand pushup / one arm pullup / deadlifting 100 kgs, etc.

And focus on achieving those. And as you do that, your body will also become more muscular. You might not become "big", but you definitely can become ripped and muscular this way. And it's more fun in my opinion.

[Vytas]

@Chives99 Thanks :))

Indeed the apps are exhausting  

I am lucky, I live in a city where there are a few universities. And so there are many girls at around age 19-24. For me thats kind of perfect

[Vytas]

@Something Funny True. You see, of course there are many solutions to a given situation, its just whether or not one is willing to look broadly. For me I had a negative/pessimistic view on life. More focusing on limits instead of opportunities. 

Genuinely thanks

Its cool to dispel self-created problems, and this "I am doomed to have unattractive body" is one of them. Thanks for pointing it out