i felt a strong thought

[at_anchor]

i saw and felt a strong thoght when i asked God when will I die and what year. it was 2023. i didn't want to write that to myself but it appears it moght happen. i am probably gonna get off this boat ladies and gentleman, gonna be kicked off this boat.

i took a picture of a piece of something that shows clearly that I cannot be but kind of poisoned. yellow in contrast to white.

just wanted to ask, it is pointless to even care, but just thought if maybe i can leave a word or two about my life and how it lead up to where i am. but no. it is better to just let it go. 

i wish i could show you the people who destroyed my life and how, but it is just not possible.

i do not know if there is life after death, but if there is, I hope I can add one full life to my repertoire of incarnations and get the full wisdom of it.

it's actually a great time to die, this year, for me, since so many others have died from the epidemic and the war. 

i might not die. i am not promising anything here nor am i trying to get your attention. you are free to ignore me. whatever you do will not affect my life that much in the end anyway, since advice and stuff like that have no relevance in war.

and so anyway, i really wish you all all the best as much as I wish all the worst to those who threatened me and tried pitting me away where they can come or send someone to torture me. really, not in a weird way.

i am actually afraid of being tortured, afraid of being condemned as crazy and locked away. afraid pf being framed for something i did not do or treated unequally to the highest extent. i am afraid of losing my mind from emotional torture, poisonimg or sleep deprivation where they want to put me. i am afraid that they will make me crazy to the point where i will act like crazy, banging my head against a wall or yelling like crazy.

am i afraid of being beaten? no. am I afraid of bugs and rats eating me and people treating me with poison, yes. 

so no, i am not afraid of physical pain inflicted by a human with their fists or i don't know. i am not even afraid of being impaled! i am afraid of my nails being pulled off though. that really hurts. 

but losing my health and mind and all that is what i am the most afraid of. death sounds like a good escape. i remember telling my EX that i will commit sui if things become unberable and here he comes to make sure that they do. but other persons close to me do this as well. they are pushing me off the boat. it's okay, cause i will just jump in the ocean. 

[at_anchor]

unfortunately the sun shines on the good guys lot as much as it shines on the bad guys. it is just that sometimes bad guys get all the land and people to work it so the sun is useful to them. so it is with this site.

it is just that it wouldn't make much of a difference even if it didn't, cause Sun might not be a good analogy. you can't say that they have two Suns that they can grow with anyway. but this Sun is really the best of all.

[at_anchor]

ya know i would like to live away from here and to have two healthy feet on which to stand, a nice pair of sneakers to run and most importantly, a nice government to rely on to not abuse its power, be corrupt. take away my life and create falsehood around me and does stuff that sabotages me and my health and life.

i wish i became a lawyer, but thag was never possible actually. and making connections with others of the same kind for the purpose of unity and power was not either.

[at_anchor]

i might even like to read a post that says something new, but again, it is useless. i would be better if i was able to walk outside.

[at_anchor]

i actually might be afraid of being impaled. but anyways, i'm pretty much dead anyway. poison is deep in me, as well as social problems that are suffocatimg me.

i know many others have a terrible time on Earth too. i know. i know many will keep having it even when i die.

okay. 

i just yeah. i don't think it is useful to live if what is waiting for me in the future is nothing good. nothing good to look forward to but pain that they want me to experience. pain, homelessness, disease, poverty, utter loss, etc.

[Zedman]

it is never what it seems. All of this is based on what? A vision? If you receive a vision, why did you receive it? To walk into it or to avoid it?

[at_anchor]

22 hours ago, Zedman said:

it is never what it seems. All of this is based on what? A vision? If you receive a vision, why did you receive it? To walk into it or to avoid it?

thanks,  but it appears people are decided on destroying my life and they can do it. powerful people. 

i talked to my sister today and was astaunded at what i heard, the lengths to which they go, the intelligence and art behind it, the scam, the trick, the manipulation.

they found a person who is a look alike to me, she told me how she saw someone who looks like me, is roughly the same age, who she visited at work, and this person has also delusions like me of people being bad and doing this and that and wanting this and that.

she told me she has new friends. she told me she wants to become a businesswoman. she tried lying to me about my cousin telling her that he has a gym a log time ago, not recently and how i went there to seek help from him when it cannot be further from the truth!

 

i am afraid that my family was always weak, selfish and devided and that in it, not all of us will survive. i am afraid that my time here on Earth is already brought down. i am sorry, but there is no security or anything. i hope my sister gets what she wants. i hope she gets that business and has amazing sex and all of that. she actually deserves it. but i doubt the devilish beasts will let her have it.

i am going away, jumpimg into the ocean soon to become a shark if possible, if not, then to sleep. i don't want to be tortured and humiliated and like right now there is loud noise outside.

i have a hard time coping with fear of what is coming to me. and as i said, my sister really deserves what she wants compared to all the others, even if she is a lying  and is naive as well. 

it is okay. i will be safe dead. but i don't know when and how long i can take it. liars and decievers that do horrible things and get away with it exist in this world. not everyone is like that, but it makes me lose trust in many things.

sorry for not being clear and explaining stuff properly. 

i feel like i would like to go right now. i am ready. it is just my fear of never being able to return that is stopping me and i do not know what else i want from life. it is all hardly realizsable. 

i shall move on sooner or later. 

i was so shaken by what i heard that i could not finish reading about Greek stuff today from a book i am reading. i was excited and all, but after the conversation i realized that i am slowly moving towards my grave.

there is no one to save me from the pirhanas that are biting me. i will have to go. and yeah. they will never allow me to exist because they have the power and all the people in their hands and they do not want what is good for me.

[at_anchor]

you see. i am preety powerless and poor. people are pushing for me to lose it all. what matters is what others say. if they say that my home is not my home i lose the home. if they say that my body is not my body or that i am crazy, and if they make sure i am sick, that just makes it all... painful and unbearable. i would rather die. i assume that dying is easier. no more emotions. no more feelings and yeah. 

after all i have no idea where I am. this world is an unknown place. it belongs to God i guess or it is God and therefore it belongs to itself. but whatever it is, i feel like leaving would be good. maybe i will never be able to come back, I guess not, but it might just be the right thing for me.

[at_anchor]

i would like to leave now, but that is hardly possible. i will stay more. i hope i go to my death soon. i kind of want it. it i just assume that it will be easier there. here it is too much. this life is, my stomach hurts from it. not to my taste at all.

[at_anchor]

but i am staying as long as i can stomach it. i am staying. unfortunately.  unfortunately because i would rather rest in peace than have to be shocked all the time. 

i can't believe that i was right about people having so much leverage over me and so forth a d about my feelings about other people, etc. 

anyway, soon,  hopefully. bathe off this dirty boat full of pirates. ah. sorry. i am venting stuff and not saying anything constructive. 

i don't need hugs, but i need some rest and if this is it, if this is all life is and is going to be, then i need to leave or 

or accept the fear of being tortured. that is hard to accept. i know i will regret it onve i am there. i am already almost half there. but having these people above me, smiling at my pain with pleasure, ahh, that is painful. that is painful.  

i know that i am not useful to anyone i love anyway!!! 

[at_anchor]

good bye. i am leaving everything behind and allowing the Universe to be as it is and do what it wants with itself.

if it does not want me or even if it does but also wants those who want me all the worse, anywaY. my heart broken and shattered to pieces.

i am sorry but i have to go. i do not know will i be aware of ananything after death. it does not matter. i lost big time and can never recover. maybe it is really bad karma, i do not think that i am worse than anybody else. maybe it is just the part of the Nightmare.

it is okay. no problem. i love but i am not loved. 

i get humiliated and tricked all the time. i said one lie by accident because i flrgot and another by accide t because i thought it was so. of course it is hard to dig and so forth.

it does not matter now. i don't care about this world enough or i am just too sick to care about it. it hurts too badly. 

those lips will never touch my lips but somebody elses who i do not like. but that soul will one day touch my soul if there is even such a thing as a soul. 

if not, ok. i just want to get out of my miserable life of torture and depravity. i know too much about this world, except i do not know how to survive.

but i know basically all about humans that there is to know. and there is an infinite amount. but all the people i saw and so forth, well,  doesn't matter.

i know i have very little to be afraid of the devil if there is one. i can look him in the eyes and if he starts pointing out my errors, i will just tell him to show this and that person and this and that cause so that it is clear that i do not deserve hell.

 

so yup, i am finally going today. my life is ending. it should have ended when i was 15 actually. it should have ended even earlier. i am glad and proud i even made it to this point. now i will throw up. i won't even, well there is the catch. i have to finish reading the book before i die. it is useless, but that i have to do. it is just gonna make me realize how stupid i was and how easily exploitable.  how stupid and how horny. how fucking horny and sexually frustrated.