How do I fix projections from my Mom?

[AndylizedAAY]

So I was coming home with my phone on silent because it's like that for school and then my Mom was shouting at me to get my attention because I didn't know that she called me. She then almost cusses me out for not listening to her plans because apparently, the food is too hot for her to carry by herself. I then listened to her but at home, I have a habit of putting cold food in the fridge. She then gets mad at me and I try to explain that I have this bad habit and she insists on explaining what I did wrong even though I already know it and as if her explanation will solve my bad habit. I then ask or say that I don't see the church helping her become a better person and she thinks that I am trying to "become Jesus" and that I am judgemental of her. She also sees my mistakes as signs that I don't care. She also thinks that I don't care because other people would have carry the food they order regardless of the temperature and says that no one does that (apparently). Is there any way that I can fix this or should I just ignore this? 

Edited April 9, 2023 by AndylizedAAY

[nhoktinvt]

mann that sucks, people have their own world or reality which can seem different from yours , i guess you gotta find someway to balance order and chaos, accept the difference but take action like talk to her in a grounded mature way basically you want to stop her unwanted behavior

[Rafael Thundercat]

Find the book called " Adult Children of Emotionaly Imature Parents" by Dr Linsay C Gibson. I dont know all about the dynamic between you and your Mom. Read the book and check by yourself if some of the examples in the book fit your case.

[puporing]

you might have a narcissistic parent.. they have this repressed pain body that they're trying to pass on to you unconsciously (so they don't have to look at it because it might be too painful) through all this guilting and blaming that was never yours.

the short answer is to create some boundaries (harder to do if living together, but you could try to do it mentally first by seeing that the projections speaks more about her past than you) and suggest her to seek counselling or healers at some point.. you can also learn some great tools from folks like Matt Kahn who teaches about how to mindfully engage with this kind of mind but that's a bit more advanced/requires a high state of consciousness from you, and I'd still recommend a combination of boundaries and these other things.

Edited April 10, 2023 by puporing

[HMD]

@AndylizedAAY Be very patient. Try to communicate with her authentically, without being confrontational or defensive. All she needs from you is love. And you can give that to her by communicating to her and care about her. If you already communicate daily, communicate more, and more authentically. Share deeper stuff with her and encourage her to do the same. Build a trusting relationship with her. And of course, create boundaries to establish a safe space. 

[hyruga]

Watch the latest video named Gaslighting from Actualized.org Youtube channel.

[Buck Edwards]

Read a book on non violent communication.

[Arthogaan]

She is just a kid that does not know anything about life. Don't be mad at her. Love her. But in your inner world remember that she is just an innocent child and if she misbehaves you just got to get out of there man.

[enzyme]

When you develop an awareness for why people act the way they do, it won't infuriate you as much.

As @Arthogaan said she's just acting in a low-conscious way.  Our parents habits are contingent on whatever they had to endure when they were younger.  No internet at the time meant they couldn't look up info on how to help their situation.  Seeing things from that perspective makes it easier to empathize; you sorta just feel sorry for your parents if they're getting all shouty/angry over minor crap.

[AndylizedAAY]

I might come up with responses later.

Edited April 14, 2023 by AndylizedAAY

[AndylizedAAY]

On 4/11/2023 at 8:31 PM, enzyme said:

No internet at the time meant they couldn't look up info on how to help their situation.

@enzyme I predict that future generations of parents would stop assume that I play video games or do homework online. I predict that there would be less of this kind of black and white thinking in the future and improve the quality of homework and how it is done. However, because this assumption would probably go away, I can be grateful of the freedom I have now within reason of course since I can be responsible enough to create my own restrictions.

Edited April 14, 2023 by AndylizedAAY
I wanted to mention my responsibility.

[Jacob Morres]

that's literally my mom

Smth simular to @HMD 's advice helped me a lot

[Kksd74628]

@AndylizedAAY

Just develop yourself, become wiser and calmer and your connections to other people get better eventually. She doesn't need to change, but the person that needs to change is you if you want your life to change. Understand your circumstances and work around what you have. Also you could tell her that shouting doesn't make any good for you and you could tell her that she is allowed to continue her behaviour, but at least she should be mindful of the negative impact on you when she decides to shout.

[AndylizedAAY]

@Kksd74628 By the way, according to Christianity, the Holy Spirit is supposed to make her feel guilty for what she did because she is a Christian. That didn't happen and I also wouldn't want her apology out of guilt  even if she did apoligized. I'm not holding a grudge, there were just new responses on the forum. Christians would say that true goodness could not be otherwise because people are sinners but this does not make sense based on what I said. It's not like I hate Christianity, but it just doesn't seem to work. 

[Kksd74628]

@AndylizedAAY

Religions are misunderstood and a lot. "Holy spirit" is punishing her already by the life she has. I can guarantee to you that she would have better life if she changes her lifestyle and attitude towards life. Christianity works actually but differently than how you look at it. It relieves fear of death for masses, but I know that it kind of is based on false stories. Doesn't change that it works tho. There's lot of wrong in religion, but also lot of good. The key here and everywhere is how you take the information that is being given. Do you believe to it blindly or do you try to combine it with your personal path and verify things that are being said.

[DreamScape]

you're not a machine, you can't fix or reprogram yourself. it might be better to try to evolve out of your family rather than trying to fix problems within your family.

[AndylizedAAY]

@Kksd74628 How do I know if the stories in any religion are true or false? What makes archaeology valid? The questions I ask on the forum are the questions that I will also contemplate.

Edited April 16, 2023 by AndylizedAAY
I wanted to ask about archaeology.

[Kksd74628]

@AndylizedAAY

By doing your spiritual work and realizing what you need to realize.

[AndylizedAAY]

@Kksd74628 Some people including Leo do believe in the stories of Jesus, do you?

[Kksd74628]

@AndylizedAAY

I don't have any stance on them.