How to not be envious against my friends academic success?

[Husseinisdoingfine]

Greetings.

I'm 20 years old and I'm applying to various universities. I deleted my Instagram account because I could no longer handle the comparison, but I want to vent about something that has been bothering me for a while. 

I have one specific friend who is attending a really prestigious (one of the) top 25 nationally ranked Universities, meanwhile I was rejected by one of the lower level universities. I have an okay G.P.A. but really bad standardized test scores. I'm 20 years old and only just discovered what I wanted to major in, and meanwhile this 19 year old is already doing part time work/internship in a laboratory.

It's not just this one 19 year old friend. I know plenty of people who seem to already be in the college experience and having fun, and I feel a sense of FOMO. It's not just academic superiority, but the total college experience. I'm in Community College and have not yet been accepted into University. I looked at their Instagram pages and was so envious I closed the account. They're already; having sex, partying, living in the dorm rooms, joining clubs, in the past two years and I haven't done any of that and I'm already no longer a teenager.

Edited April 8, 2023 by Husseinisdoingfine

[NoSelfSelf]

He is not your friend,if hes truly your friend you would be happy for him that's how i think about it...

[integral]

5 hours ago, Husseinisdoingfine said:

They're already; having sex, partying, living in the dorm rooms, joining clubs, in the past two years and I haven't done any of that and I'm already no longer a teenager.

Seems like a major contradiction is happening here, your clearly not serious about success if you care about partying and you cant get in to party with out success. 

Get serious, school is really easy, you memorize and study what ever they tell you, its all handed to you on a silver platter. Your not getting in because your not dedicated or maybe your working a job on the side and dont have time?

Also you very likely have not figure out how to learn effectively and how to memorize effectively. Start with that.

That 19 year old is not more intelligent then you. Nothing impressive about getting grades.  

Edited April 8, 2023 by integral

[Ayham]

Hey I relate, my I have friends with better grades and also better social experiences, meanwhile I am at home meditating, reading books, contemplating, some even read more books than me, it used to bother me a lot, I am okay with it now.

 

So you feel like you are missing out on both academic life and social life.

I suppose you would need to solve this internally (like seeing what exactly matters for you and doing your own thing, building self-esteem, etc.) and externally (fix grades, enter a major you like, go out, do pickup, etc.)

What do you think is the best internal and external solution? how would you do it?

[Carl-Richard]

Going to university is not such a big deal. I remember when I was 12 years old and was downhill skiing every winter, I was so envious of the bigger kids who had cooler looking jackets and skis than me. Now I look back and laugh at all the wasted mental energy I spent worrying about that trivial stuff. When you get older, university is the same thing.

Edited April 9, 2023 by Carl-Richard

[UnbornTao]

What is envy? Why is it there? What is it doing? You've got to contemplate those in your experience.

Rationally, you can tell how incredibly unnecessary and wasteful being envious is. So don't engage or focus on that. Throw yourself into what you're up to in your life.

[gettoefl]

use comparison as a tool for healthy pride in your own unique outstanding journey rather than envy as to where another happens to be ... where they are is actually none of your business except as a source of ideas and perhaps entertainment

the only question to ask is, what have i done today to benefit my own evolution ... friends are a yard-stick for what i could be working on today

[Husseinisdoingfine]

@Leo Gura Does the SAT mean anything about the student taking it?

[aurum]

@Husseinisdoingfine realistically, you will not succeed at not feeling FOMO.

It’s human nature to compare ourselves to others. You would need far more maturity, wisdom and perspective to truly no longer care about your friend’s success. You’re not in a place where that’s real for you.

What’s real for you is that having a fun college experience and getting into a good university is very important. And your friend’s success is rubbing salt in the wound.

That’s fine. Justified or not, that’s where you are at. And so I wouldn’t try to not feel how you feel.

Instead, ask yourself: how is this contributing to my sense of self-awareness of what I want? What is my jealousy pointing me to that’s real? And how can I move in the direction of that?

[Bobby_2021]

7 hours ago, Husseinisdoingfine said:

@Leo Gura Does the SAT mean anything about the student taking it?

It's a filtering mechanism for filtering students based on IQ and Conscientiousness. It select students who are high in IQ and high in Conscientiousness. 

[Loving Radiance]

Everybody is on their own path. One could draw inspiration from somebody else's path, but it's just nonsensical to compare. It's like comparing apples to tomatoes. There are different paths for people because they need to have different experiences. People and personalities are different, and so every person has get different experiences.

[Carl-Richard]

2 hours ago, Bobby_2021 said:

It's a filtering mechanism for filtering students based on IQ and Conscientiousness. It select students who are high in IQ and high in Conscientiousness. 

And low in trauma, mental illness, family dysfunction, socioeconomic instability.

[Leo Gura]

@Husseinisdoingfine Stop letting your mind run wild with negative thoughts. Focus on the life you want to create, not on what others are doing.

[Dioxide2533]

Envy is a normal instinct, we are programmed to not like when similar people get good stuff and we don't, because then there is probably less available good stuff for us. You can't really stop it.

And their success vs your success, like everything else, is 100% luck (even if you could overcome circunstances, there is no free will anyway) so you can't do anything about it.

It is what it is, so your venting is justified

[LSD-Rumi]

@Husseinisdoingfine Just focus on yourself. If you have bad scores, study and retake the exam.

I used to teach myself to love other's success and to wish for them to do better than me, just to eliminate any feeling or peer pressure or enviousness.

 with time you  learn to ignore others completely and focus on your own growth.

Edited April 10, 2023 by LSD-Rumi

[Husseinisdoingfine]

4 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@Husseinisdoingfine Stop letting your mind run wild with negative thoughts. Focus on the life you want to create, not on what others are doing.

Do my bad SAT scores say anything about me? That I’m not smart?

[Bobby_2021]

1 hour ago, Husseinisdoingfine said:

Do my bad SAT scores say anything about me? That I’m not smart?

Good scores say that you are smart. Bad scores don't say anything at all. It's that simple. Plenty of people study hard and improve their standardized test scores and that can be done. That doesn't mean that they were dumb to begin with. They were not conscientiousness enough. But I suggest a different approach. Basically, SAT and any standardized exams for that matter is a filter to find out ideal work slaves. And you are worrying and wasting your energy thinking if you are not enough to be the ideal slave. It is pointless.

Define what skills you want to have and aggressively pursue it outside of university. Dedicating your life to standardized scores are a waste of time and what is not measured by them is pure creativity. And to succeed in reality you do not need to be exceptionally smart or have a high IQ. You need to be above average smart (like 80 percentile) and ruthlessly take action. Being too smart can hamper your ability to succeed believe it or not. That few years in college will go past by in an instant and now you are in the real word without having any teachers or scores to judge you. 

So, get outside the frame of academia. Focus on building your life like Leo said. This has to do with identifying your skill sets and taking action on it. You will far outpace your peers if you start early. And its too energy consuming to compare yourself to others.

Feel free to ask for any clarification if you want any.

 

[Treat]

22 hours ago, aurum said:

@Husseinisdoingfine realistically, you will not succeed at not feeling FOMO.

It’s human nature to compare ourselves to others. You would need far more maturity, wisdom and perspective to truly no longer care about your friend’s success. You’re not in a place where that’s real for you.

What’s real for you is that having a fun college experience and getting into a good university is very important. And your friend’s success is rubbing salt in the wound.

That’s fine. Justified or not, that’s where you are at. And so I wouldn’t try to not feel how you feel.

Instead, ask yourself: how is this contributing to my sense of self-awareness of what I want? What is my jealousy pointing me to that’s real? And how can I move in the direction of that?

This comment right here is a great insight. Definitely agree that it's completely natural.

I felt this all throughout university and it didn't go away until I found my own passions and interests. As long as I pursued those intentionally with full effort, then I had the confidence to not care about anyone else because I was on track with my own standards.

[integral]

8 hours ago, Husseinisdoingfine said:

Do my bad SAT scores say anything about me? That I’m not smart?

It means you don't know how to study and you think your applying yourself but really your not and this is because you've never seen the work the top students are putting in. So really your making a false comparison that "they must be more intelligence" when the other guy is working 10x harder and smarter. By smarter I mean they figured out effective study and learning habits and you didnt.

So the solution is not for people to tell you "your smart don't worry", its for you to learn how to learn, study the art of studying and get results.

Thats whats going to make you feel better.

Getting good grades is a joke, every idiot does it as long as they put the work in. 

Edited April 10, 2023 by integral

[Leo Gura]

9 hours ago, Husseinisdoingfine said:

Do my bad SAT scores say anything about me? That I’m not smart?

You are focused in the wrong thing.

SATs have no bearing on whether you will build a fulfilling life.