I have these weird outburts

[enzyme]

It always happens when I'm alone.  It's a bad habit I've had since I was young.

In my head it feels like I'm reliving certain situations and I retaliate as if it's really happening.  It usually comes in the form of my mother unloading on me and I just wanna give her a piece of my mind.

It got really deranged last night though; screaming at the top of my lungs things like "you fucked me up" and "you're a narcissist cu**", followed by fantasies of me beating the shit out of her.

This isn't something I'd ever want to do though.  I'd leave before that ever happened.

I've never had a diagnoses for anything other than generalized anxiety/depression as a teen.  Could this be chalked up as just a weird habit or is it maybe something more serious like bi-polar disorder?

I intend to be as positive as I can on this forum and not dwell too much on detrimental aspects of mental health but I just wanted to write this down somewhere.  Maybe there's others on here who have or have had a similar thing happen to them?

Meditation and cutting out caffeine has helped me out with this a little but the fact it still happens at all after all this time leaves me feeling kinda disturbed.

[Buck Edwards]

I see tendencies of depression here. Mood fluctuations which are quite common in situations of a narcissistic parent. 

You have anger issues to work on. Maybe punch a pillow next time you get violent thoughts. 

 

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsyP80BydV4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVqANXVTLN4

http://happinessbeyondthought.blogspot.com/2012/05/surrendering-i-letting-go-of-suffering.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MU1Rp184IT4

[enzyme]

@Raze These were really helpful, huge thanks