At a loss on how to handle my difficult mother

[uriel]

I've had to come to accept that I don't know how to handle this.

My mother, unfortunately, is not a very highly evolved person. I love her, but it's just true.

She cheated on my father when I was a teen, leading to years of misery and lies and then, finally, divorce. That was about 15 years ago. Since then, she's cheated on and lied to every partner she's had. Lying is a constant habit for her which I've just had to accept.

She's had a good career, but has spent every penny on renting expensive apartments, expensive cars, and plastic surgery, leaving her with lots of debts. She hasn't a dime saved.

I don't hate her though. In some ways, she was a good mother, and I am grateful for those ways in which she was.

Now she's in her later years. In the meantime, as all of this has been happening, I've managed to build a great life for myself. I'm happily married to someone I deeply love, and I have a good education and a good, but not great financial situation. 

Now, for the issue - my mother is still living her luxury lifestyle. She drives a luxury car, she lives in a luxury apartment, and not only is she saving nothing, but she's having trouble even paying rent and paying for food, etc, even having to put rent on a credit card and racking up more debts. It's making her miserable. I have begged her to just downgrade her apartment, to downgrade her car, begged her to save some money. She makes enough to be comfortable if only she would live within her means. I have even offered to help her with some money each month if she would only be willing to do these things. She will hear none of it. Anytime I bring this up, she attacks me, lashes out at me, aggressively. She starts cursing and blowing up on me and starts telling everyone around her that I'm emotionally attacking her, making herself the victim.

I am deeply stressed about this. If she saves nothing, even though she is more than capable, ultimately, all of her finances will fall upon me (and I am not rich, I am middle class), or she will have to come move in with my wife and I, which I feel would be very damaging to our relationship. I really want to prevent that from happening. I just want her to save some money, to live within her means, to atleast buy herself a reasonable car rather than lease one for $750 a month.

I have tried talking to her, writing letters, begging, yelling, everything. I have gotten nowhere. I have come to the conclusion that I just don't know how to handle this. I'll have no financial stability at this rate. I'm not even 30 years old yet, and I'm already looking at having to deal with this mess. Can anyone give me some advice here? It's making me miserable

 

 

Edited April 6, 2023 by uriel

[Roy]

Perhaps the language of aggression is a path of communication that she could understand. Ask her to set some time aside for a serious conversation, one that you "will only have once". Threaten that you will not ever give her money again when she needs it, and she will not ever be able to live with you unless is she is deathly ill.

Tell her you are extremely serious and to get her shit together because she is doing this to herself and it's not your responsibility. Either that or she finds some poor man to put it all on to deal with lol.

Sometimes people, usually of low development (sorry to say but you said it yourself) only learn things the hard way and from a difficult painful lesson. Perhaps in the grand scheme her being evicted or something else terrible could be the shock to the system she needs to change. If you keep enabling her emotionally and financially that might never happen though, and then it will REALLY be too late.

As hard and as out of character for you as it may be, you may need to act extremely cold and harsh about this.

When nothing else works sometimes you need to pick "The Nuclear Option".

Edited April 6, 2023 by Roy

[Jacob Morres]

@uriel 

id recommend setting conscious boundaries. Your survival should not be negatively impacted by your mothers actions. If you feel it's challenging to support her financially, and it's not in your value system, boundaries are very important 

Getting her to understand this, and you still love her , but you will be negatively impacted from, it might help a lot. Firm yet compassionate boundaries 

She will probably need help with a different means. You ultimately can't change or force her, but you can do your best to support, provide solutions, resources etc. Supporting is a skillset in itself 

And also - take care of yourself in whatever means resonate with you - esp due to the stress. 

Edited April 7, 2023 by Jacob Morres

[Flowerfaeiry]

First of all I’m so sorry you have a mother with these types of problems. Sounds extremely difficult to deal with. One thing I’m gathering from your post is that you’re trying to change her. You understandably don’t like how she has chosen to live her life and you want her to change. But the thing is, you can’t change people. I’m sensing the two of you have some codependency going on as well. She’s an adult and has chosen to live her life in this way, and must live with the consequences of it on her own. I know you wish she wasn’t like this, and that’s very hard to handle having a parent that you want so much more for, but it’s necessary for the both of you, that you let go of the plan you have for her and let her make self-destructive choices. I would try stepping back a little. Setting some boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate in the relationship between the two of you. Release some of the need to control how her life goes, as hard as that is. 

[integral]

On 4/6/2023 at 4:29 PM, uriel said:

all of her finances will fall upon me

There must be some legal action you can take to separate yourself from her so they don't come after you with credit card dept.

The situation is only going to get worse, immediately take action to prevent her from ruining your finances. As she gets older she will only become more emotionally unstable and depressed leading to more spending, its addiction and a coping mechanism. 

 

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According to the information I found on the web, children are not liable for their parents’ debts in the US, unless they co-signed the loan or live in a community property state12. However, creditors can and will go after the estate of the deceased person, which means that children may lose some or all of their inheritance to pay off their parents’ debts13. There are also some states that have filial responsibility laws, which declare that adult children must care for or financially support parents who don’t have the funds to pay for their own care2.

 

Edited April 10, 2023 by integral