another hit to my ego i guess

[at_anchor]

First goes on me about something insignificant, then says: "You showed what a crazy person you are. All in written form. You can't hide anything anymore," after I said that he is not a child and just one year younger than me.

Like, I am being accussed of being a chomo when in fact I want boys that are over 18 and over 20 years old. I even find my body attractive when I look myself in the mirror of a kind of darker bathroom that doesn't show all the bad parts of me, so yup. 

And somehow I am a crazy person for what? Wanting to try a weird fetish? For finding out and experiencing what I found out and experienced about people around me? It's stupid.

And now I can't have a job, can't have friends, can't even leave. Just have to stay here like this, jerking off and wasting my limited days. 

Am I a chomo if I just want older folks and people say I am one, like the only thing that matters is what people say, not me. 

[at_anchor]

Doesn't really mattee if I care about my well being or not when others want me all the worst. 

I wish I read this book earlier in life. It explains how speaking a language is not enough. 

[at_anchor]

It's like if I have an opportunity to do something for my own good it gets taken away from me and I get called crazy. Then manipulated and so forth.

It is real sad that I can't just leave this life that everyone wants all the worst for.

[at_anchor]

I don't have strength or option to leave and go to germany anymore.

[at_anchor]

I want to leave life today. 

[at_anchor]

It is better in hell than it is with them. They can have everything, whatever. If there is reincarnation I wish I get born to parents who are stage Turqoise or something and i wish I find this site. I don't have the option to stay with it anymore.

[at_anchor]

I can last another day. The song Hoiste the Colours was a bit inspiring. I just thought it was peace and daggers, not thieves and beggars when I listened to it.