lol I think I am socially retarded

[Ayham]

Note: if you are gonna try to offer advice, please give something that you tried and worked for you. 

 

Basically I have terrible social skills, I don't know how to be reactive in conversations, I have bad body language and this causes me to lose friends or repel people. 

I respond but its not natural, I am always trying to come up with a good response, and I succeed, but it sounds fake. 

I don't initiate contact much with people unless they are really close to me, and lately, I have lost all my close friends (2)

One of them befriended other people, and my relationship sort of faded with the other one. 

I am neither able to rebuild new relationships nor get new friends, thus I have been all alone, whether in school or other times. 

Also, I think I have a weak character. 

My list of possible solutions:

• Just live like a monk in solitude lol, but I think it's an execuse I am using. 
• Read self help books on how to deal with people (I have not read self help books on this specific subfield) 
• Read body language books
• Use the pickup approach but to make friends with guys in school (guys because where I am from, high schools and middle schools are only one gender)
• Use radical honesty to its extreme to develop strong character

Anyone fixed their social skills? how did you do it? 

Edited April 4, 2023 by Ayham

[something_else]

30 minutes ago, Ayham said:

• Just live like a monk in solitude lol, but I think it's an execuse I am using. 
• Read self help books on how to deal with people (I have not read self help books on this specific subfield) 
• Read body language books
• Use the pickup approach but to make friends with guys in school (guys because where I am from, high schools and middle schools are only one gender)
• Use radical honesty to its extreme to develop strong character

Hobbies are really what you want. If your school offers it, join various different groups etc. It will probably be quite stressful if you feel you have bad social skills but that is how you will learn and make new friends.

If you can't do it in school then do it outside of school.

[Leo Gura]

You're not retarded, you're just inexperienced.

The solution is to invest 1000+ hours socializing.

It's that simple.

It's like you want to do everything except the one thing that actually matters.

Edited April 4, 2023 by Leo Gura

[Salvijus]

2 hours ago, Ayham said:

I respond but its not natural, I am always trying to come up with a good response, and I succeed, but it sounds fake. 

Yea that sounds familiar. I would recommend instead of "trying" to come up with a response, simply observe your mind and watch how the response comes automatically.

Edited April 4, 2023 by Salvijus

[Girzo]

1 hour ago, Ayham said:

Just live like a monk in solitude lol, but I think it's an execuse I am using.

You can go and be a monk after you make a circle of great friends. Only after that.

[LSD-Rumi]

2 hours ago, Ayham said:

Note: if you are gonna try to offer advice, please give something that you tried and worked for you. 

 

Basically I have terrible social skills, I don't know how to be reactive in conversations, I have bad body language and this causes me to lose friends or repel people. 

I respond but its not natural, I am always trying to come up with a good response, and I succeed, but it sounds fake. 

I don't initiate contact much with people unless they are really close to me, and lately, I have lost all my close friends (2)

One of them befriended other people, and my relationship sort of faded with the other one. 

I am neither able to rebuild new relationships nor get new friends, thus I have been all alone, whether in school or other times. 

Also, I think I have a weak character. 

My list of possible solutions:

• Just live like a monk in solitude lol, but I think it's an execuse I am using. 
• Read self help books on how to deal with people (I have not read self help books on this specific subfield) 
• Read body language books
• Use the pickup approach but to make friends with guys in school (guys because where I am from, high schools and middle schools are only one gender)
• Use radical honesty to its extreme to develop strong character

Anyone fixed their social skills? how did you do it? 

You need to develop inner safety. This is the trick for all social anxiety. Once you are safe on the inside, everything will become easier. You tounge will not stop talking and making jokes, your expressions will be powerful, you will be so spontaeous and charismatic. It all hinges on this, are you safe on the inside or not.

Now developing this inner safety is a whole other beast. I will take at least months for you to develop a basic level of safety and strength. You need to start socializing while aiming to feel safer in social situations everyday, and remember it is a gradual process, it is not all or nothing.

Also some medication can help you in this matter. Some antidepressants can help releive your social anxiety while you work on eliminating it.

Edited April 4, 2023 by LSD-Rumi

[Tefikos]

Have you tried therapy? It might be really useful at the same time as you are learning to more social with others.

My social problems we're linked to poor mental health and relational skills that had roots in my childhood, and working with my mind at the same time I socialized was the key for The development of that relational part of my brain. Without working with my mind my relational skills improved poorly, but until I worked with my mind they started to improved when I kept socializing.

This is working for me, but might not be the solution for everyone, (therapy still is useful for everyone:D).

[Israfil]

6 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

You're not retarded, you're just inexperienced.

The solution is to invest 1000+ hours socializing.

It's that simple.

It's like you want to do everything except the one thing that actually matters.

This.

When I had the same anxiety, I would go to the busiest night neighborhood I knew with the goal of not ending the night alone. I just talked to people in general and lived many crazy things because of it hahahaha.

[HMD]

6 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

It's like you want to do everything except the one thing that actually matters.

This is all you need to know.

[NoSelfSelf]

First you dont know how to navigate yourself to navigate social situations, then you dont have practice/experience to make it solid like any skill.

But first knowing yourself in depth is a key its like if i put you in city you never been without map ,you dont know how to navigate it same as yourself.

If you know what kind of topic,humor,behaviours you like about yourself then you can put it in situation if you dont have like files and files on yourself you will be lost.Alot of experience can make you fill those files but if you completely lost it will take you alot of effort thats why you dont wanna do it ..

[John Paul]

What are you looking the change specifically? Or what are you looking to obtain specifically?

[BuddhistLover]

@Leo Gura How do I socialize Leo? Do I go to downtown Portland and start talking to random strangers? The thing is when people figured out that I don't smoke weed they started to avoid me. Like when they didn't know that didn't smoke weed they were around me all the time. Then when they found out that I don't smoke weed they all disappeared. 

[Leo Gura]

39 minutes ago, BuddhistLover said:

@Leo Gura How do I socialize Leo? Do I go to downtown Portland and start talking to random strangers?

That's one way. Ideally you find the busiest nightlife spots in your town. Usually bars and clubs.

You could also socialize through meet-up groups, networking events, parties, spiritual groups, dance classes, improv classes, acting classes, wine tastings, etc.

Quote

The thing is when people figured out that I don't smoke weed they started to avoid me. Like when they didn't know that didn't smoke weed they were around me all the time. Then when they found out that I don't smoke weed they all disappeared. 

This is an absurd excuse. I have never smoked weed when I socialized. Nor have a drank. Ever!

Edited April 4, 2023 by Leo Gura

[Juan]

Before I was on highschool I was a lonely nerd, still to a degree once on highschool but I was in a place specialized on radio and television so communicating a lot daily was a huge factor for me breaking my awkwardness patterns when I met someone. We had to improvise a fucking ton in front of a camera or any live recording, now I can start a convo with ease with just asking a simple question. 

A suggestion would be engaging on a subject that you’re honestly interested on yourself to talk, so there is no pretending games here. Maybe watch some youtube channels like Charisma On Command so you can look up example of people (celebrities usually on this channel) communicating with others, using others as example can help.

Be honestly curious, I love to use the power of visualization before I start to act. I like to see myself talking in front of over thousands of people with confidence (I’m not there yet but is a mind practice), so if you can, every morning or night or anytime you feel like, visualice that person you want to become, while also watching good example of people doing so. And even if you fail at times, accept it and embrace it, you could use eventually that awkwardness intentionally to be as your humor touch. 

Edited April 5, 2023 by Juan

[Felliks]

I remember I started slowly high fiving people with my high school friend in it's corridors, which translated to us going out a few times and laugh. Pleasant memories, it's what keeps the unconscious ego afloat.

Hit the gym.

Open-minded? Take shrooms.

[BipolarGrowth]

You are quite lucky @Ayham because I know for a fact that I’m socially retarded! 
 

But in a more serious tone, I’ll say that social skills can be improved although it’s often not easy. Reduce the constriction of your ego, fully surrender to the nature of yourself, and you will be tied for the weirdest bastard out there. What’s the good news? Some people will stick around and enjoy that while others will be repelled which is the exact same as before. The beauty is that you get to relax into what you actually are rather than to constantly fret about people not liking you. Except for when what you actually are frets about people not liking you… wait a minute! That’s what’s happening now. I guess it might be high time to relax your expectations on all of this. 
 

On the other hand, any resistance you currently feel to this situation and circumstances can reach a point where what you actually are can’t stand it, and in that moment, you’ll naturally take action to rectify this tomfoolery. 
 

But again, you can relax with the assurance that once you fix this problem, an even bigger problem will come down the road. Maybe your real problem is you are having a problem with having problems? How foolish! Oh wait, everyone does that… idk, I’m having a problem with my insufficiency at formulating a solution that will truly help you in this. What could be the solution to that problem? 
 

 

Edited April 7, 2023 by BipolarGrowth

[Ayham]

Thank you everyone! 
Really great answers, I don't have time to respond to every single one of them, but I assure you I read them all and will be doing stuff mentioned here.

[hyruga]

Realizing you are poor at socialising is also part of the process. You will continue to grow socially.