Chaos to Clarity... Exposing Myself

withinUverse · August 18

Alright I’m ready to purge some thoughts about I guess my romantic side of life. So I repeat a lot and honestly I’m not sure what I share at times either. That’s the thing the omission sometimes is an approach that I find myself doing. I have this dial on how I engage and I turn it up at times and turn it down at times. It’s not an on and off switch but how I see it feels like it depends on who I’m engaging with. And I guess I want to again mention that we have our own personal way of understanding in many varieties. And in my case with romance it’s definitely not the norm at least I assume since i don’t run into many who share the same stories or experiences however, I also see myself being selective at what I share… so possibly some are doing the same. And in some ways I do share similar experiences… So let’s just turn that dial up a bit and just let all the things roll out. It seems apparent this is something I’m working on heavily right now and it feels good to let it out. This space has become a place where I want to be as vulnerable as I can be at this time. And if it sounds crazy… who the fuck cares… this is my experience of it. And I guess I’ll start with memory and follow with direct experience currently.

I’ll just remind us that ceremonies for me is very powerful and influential. There is a man who reoccurs in my ceremonies… I try to reason this and explain it like 85% of my ceremonies I will receive messages about him. It motivates me. I am motivated by sharing a romantic experience it seems. Honestly I am motivated by different things.. but it was a surprise how strongly I’m motivated by sharing romantic love. However since ceremonies continues to give me messages in this way… this is something I am wanting to manifest in my life and I can make changes to eventually experience this. Everything ties together but this seems to be a trigger that inspires and motivates and I’ve changed a lot from it… so yes this is a major way of elevating my conscious levels is to one day experience this. And the constant messages of patience and worth the wait. So it is not as challenging but I do still find myself testing this. How I see it is purging out more of the built up toxicity I might still have stored in me. And memory helps me continue patterns and how to approach differently. And testing whether I’m understanding the messages correctly. It has been around 3 and a half years since an Aya ceremony and so this is the longest absence of such strong emotional persuasions. But this distance changes the impact I guess is how I explain it. The memory is there but its potency isn’t so easily influential with this space. All of these things I want to mention are rolling in my mind and I’m wondering how to express it fully and in the sequence that will make sense but it’s just not the way I want to share it at this time I guess… we’ll see.

But there are layers and layers of memory that are popping into my mind and so I do feel like it’s a good time to purge this out even though I’ve been thinking about this often and I guess thinking it often isn’t helping me purge… it festers it I guess… and expressing it does seem to relieve the fester. So what’s festering at this time? I have two old friends that I’m spending time with this summer and they know about this man. And I find when I’m talking to them they both used the word obsession to me when it comes to him. One was straight out saying that and one stopped herself when saying it but it was still there. And how do I feel when they use this word in regards to him. I feel like first of all they don’t understand my relationship… they haven’t experienced ceremonies and the power it can have… I haven’t been able to communicate clearly because of their response when I try to share… but obsession… it does sound like its a toxic relationship… it’s an insincere relationship… it’s as if I’m needy and are automatically running a record without trying different approaches and perspectives… it feels like there is a misinterpretation on honor, respect, devotion… I want to look at their relationships and question if their opinion should be valid in the first place.

And I guess I’m going to rant a little bit. They are both unhappy when it comes to romantic relationships. One has settled and has been constantly battling her partner and whether they are truly a fit. They have a son and he’s 16 now but I don’t even remember hearing how happy she is with him and it’s almost like her job or something… something she has to deal with because it’s just how it is… and my other friend seems to be more on the needy and possessive side when it comes to relationships… and I hope it doesn’t sound like I don’t absolutely love and respect my friends opinion… in fact that’s probably why it’s irksome to me right now. But honestly the weight I place on their words can probably be adjusted. I have been watching how they react when it comes to people in our home town. It seems very immature and unconscious. We happen to have a small little festival going on and they wanted to go and invited me to join them. We ran into some classmates who we haven’t really seen in 25 years. Our approach is definitely different and I guess it’s always been different. I was the class president and I enjoy people and so when I recognized someone I smiled and said hello with their name and looked at them… most of the time I was talking and engaging and at times it was just in passing. But they had comments that I could hear. They were like oh this seems like old times… everyone loves you and is wanting my attention and seems like we all have been keeping in touch for all this time. And they don’t even know they exist. It’s like no one remembers we all went to school together. Everyone wants to be around me but ignore them. It was a bit annoying and I felt like it was a bit childish. And they were mentioning how if they do run into people that they wouldn’t care as long as they are friendly. And I’m like that is what they want from you too. It goes both ways. I mean they are standing back giggling and making these comments behind our backs and how comfortable and inviting and friendly is that? They want to say they don’t want it to be like high school and cliche but damn…. Look at your behavior? You want to go and to find people to watch them? To judge them? Not to engage with them and see what the hell has been happening with them for the past 25 years. Or how they are today even…. And its not like they are even interested in people just want to talk about them and talk about how they were treated and confirms why they don’t enjoy their time with our classmates. We ran into my other friend who I was really close with growing up. There has been a fall out between her and the two I was with but when I saw her… I straight away went to her… and it was interesting because I found myself much more comfortable with her. I instantly went and pinched her in her booty and gave her a big hug. I wouldn’t even think about doing this with the other two. I mean I give big hugs for one of them… but the other it’s like I have to open my arms and see if my hug is welcomed or accepted or if this is uncomfortable for her. So yeah I definitely noticed that I’m much more comfortable with the third. And it makes sense. I was closer with her and it seems like its the same thing from back in the days there are levels of comfort with the three. I guess I don’t know where I am with people now but I get messages to how I respond. So I guess I shouldn’t be putting much value in their words at this time… specifically the word obsession in a romantic manner.

So I’m just going to just say it… right now I feel so strong and sexy right now… hehe… I have been taking care of my outer beauty this year. I’ve been focusing on my scalp health and my skin… and it is really affecting my attraction level for myself. I mean I feel like I’ve always had confidence but it does seem to be boosting since I’ve been finding a routine for these areas. It seems like it’s becoming a form of wellness ritual and the repetition is rhythmic and effective. Most of the money I’ve been making have been in this, and yeah it’s affecting me. I’m also working as a stage hand at a concert this summer and it’s physical. And I feel strong when I’m working. I also see that I’m not as flexible as I’d like and I’ve been noticing the desire to fucking all out dance at times… hehe… I go to drum circles and dance is sometimes involved and its like I’m half-asking it which helps to some extent but again that dial keeps playing and I just want to dance at full throttle but I find myself on low mode… I see at low mode people still enjoy my dancing… I get people always commenting on it and I can’t help myself thinking to myself like… if you like this I wonder how you feel when I actually put my heart and full energy into it? This is just a nibble of my dancing… and it’s not like I’m acrobatic or anything… but dance is powerful and I’m wondering if I should get some classes in Polynesian dance again or possibly find some belly dancing or African dance? Something more expressive and full body… and actually sensual really is drawn to me when I want to move my body. I think I’ll look into this a bit… even a few classes will be satisfying and something my body is craving at this. Craving… hehe… gosh I guess I am finding myself craving touch at this time. When I wrote last time about Awakening was more focused on sight and observation as if I was seeing for the first time and noticed that I was uncertain if it felt like it was like I touched for the first time. When I thought about touch… the memory of touching the guy I was trying to open up to last winter was far more powerful than the ceremony touching my hands and torso… the time I was on the couch and I was touching his hands for the first time with a guy I was hoping to engage romantically with was powerful and memorable. I started touching my own hands and it feels like a good sensation but I felt like it was more electrified when touching someone else. And not just anyone… I use to love to touch and thought it was my love language, but found that I don’t touch as much anymore… but I still do just in limited manner and not always does it electrify my body because it’s all in different situations. They thing I remember is that couch moment was intense for me but also it was in a setting that wasn’t ideal there was no privacy but it was memorable. And I guess I have to admit that we shared moments of fore play that completely buzzed my entire body… it felt intoxicating… I could barely walk or think when we stopped briefly to make dinner for guests and staff… and again its memorable and powerful. Not that I want to share that experience with him again… but craving that intensity and intoxication does seem to be calling for me.

So I’ve been trying to open myself to sensual experiences in the past year and trying to approach differently than being celibate waiting for the Man… I’ve reached out and felt like I have tried to peruse him but it’s not received. And yeah I guess I want to go to the obsession thing again. Am I obsessed? I feel like I’ve tried to not completely overwhelm him… I’ve known him for 8 years…and I do find myself reaching out to him more when I’m in ceremonies… I’m getting such powerful emotions that I find myself reaching out. And I find the power to think I will be patient I will wait… I leaned toward celibacy… I didn’t want to confuse anybody.. lol… confuse anybody… it is so very confusing… hehe… and it turns simplicity to complexity and when it comes to reading his response it become why in the hell have I gotten messages about you? Who the hell are you anyway? You don’t express you’re not vulnerable you’re not open you’re judging and closed off… why do I get message about you specifically? These are not qualities I desire with a romantic partner… this is completely the opposite… why do I need the opposite to motivate me? Again I’ve seen myself push people away regardless of how I feel the uncertainty to be completely open and vulnerable and able to be more hurtful with the ones I love the most… and so this plays into my reasoning of an unreasonable circumstance. And I’m the pursuer which also seems to be frustrating for me… and I’m switching that up… aren’t I? I found myself talking to one of my girlfriends… and we were talking about the Swedish guy and how he keeps asking me to come and visit him. He invites me to join him in Sweden and he’s going to Columbia in November and said he’d like to share time with me. He says he’s thinking about his future differently and is hinting to me that he might be interested to see where we might be together. But I find myself emphasizing that I’m not pursuing a romantic relationship right now… that I prefer friendship… but I also see myself omitting the full truth. And that was something I was noticing… that the Man it doesn’t matter how crazy anything sounds… I want to be completely vulnerable and honest… when I’m talking to the Swedish man I find myself dialing and tuning all of the dials… it’s more strategic and reasonable. I keep wanting to entertain the idea of going to visit him but it’s not like it feels like a Calling… when I hear about different experiences sometimes I’m just Yes and when I hear from him it’s not an instant Yes but it is something that I think… well maybe it would be good for me… maybe I should see what happens… but I was expressing something like this to my friend and I had to admit that regardless of what’s reasonable… my Yes is the Man regardless of how unreasonable and how crazy and uncertain it is and regardless of the non-reciprocal manner this relationship is at this time. He is ever-present in my decisions. A few days later I stopped following the Man’s social media account. And she asked me why… and I told her trust… trust in the Universe… and honestly I don’t want to continue to chase. I feel like this is what I have been doing regardless if it’s an obsessive way or not… I wanted to let him know that I don’t forget about him just by being friends with him and watching his stories and liking his photography. I even try not to like too many things even though I enjoy his videography and photographs… but I felt like I was always hovering to make a presence to remind him that I exist. But he doesn’t need to be hovering over me for him to be present. So gain more space and distance of being so available. If he doesn’t understand by now that I”m curious and interested in him then he’s a rock… hehe… nothing against rocks but still… so my attempt right now is to gain more space and trust the Universe to guide me in this situation. And I guess that’s what’s happening now.

I’m entertaining ideas and the Universe is answering. How is the Universe answering… but not giving me the opportunity to entertain my ideas… hehe…. I guess the first time recently this happened was for the hostel manager position. Before I found out that they chose another manager… I saw all the benefits of being manager but then I started thinking oh shit… if I get this position then I’m going to be more available to be with the owner who he and I had those memorable sexual experience of touch but I don’t want to pursue him romantically anymore… but if I get this position is it because I’m suppose to give him another chance? I don’t want another chance… do I? And then the Universe says No… you’re not going to be manager and you don’t have to have a closer relationship with him at this time. Don’t worry… this is not for you. And I guess the next is when I was talking about the Swedish guy with my girlfriend as I was talking I was confirming that this is not the relationship I’m looking for as well… even though I continue to entertain the ideas that maybe… I just don’t have these feelings… I do approach him differently because I haven’t told him about the Man and I wonder why I don’t… but it is something I will bring up the next time he wants to talk about my romantic relationships… if it is someone I want to continue a relationship then the crazy is going to have to come out and see how it goes. So actually I don’t think the Universe has given me a No for him yet… but I do wonder if I’m giving myself an option for a settling opportunity that would be more comfortable and safe? Gosh that sounds terrible in my opinion… geesh… this is a No as well… this is not what I’m looking for as well. So I said I’m working at the concert center and I have to admit I feel like this position is sexy… hehe… I feel strong being physical and its sweaty and I have tons of men who are working hard and sweating around me and it’s hot! I notice guys checking me out and some that are trying to approach me in a manner more than friendship and I see how I respond. Friendship zone mostly… but there has been a young man that seem to perk me up a bit. It’s strange how sexual attraction occurs and why… I don’t ever talk to him so it’s not like there was a friendship that started… it was intensity in the eyes… hehe… I mostly look at people in their eyes and with him there was just this intensity or chemistry… something that I felt like… oooh who are you? And I seem to not mind looking into your eyes with such intensity. And of course I start to observe… he’s a younger man… works hard, strong, quiet, kind but not overtly… ok does he have a girlfriend? I mean to me… I didn’t think he did because he was giving me those eyes and it looked like an invitation and there are some couples at work… some that are quite obvious and some not so much. And he is a couple that wasn’t so obvious but I started to watch that oh yeah… he’s with her…. And there goes my entertaining mind. Hmmm… I wonder if they have an open relationship? I don’t want to take over their time but a few moments once in a while… hehe… I guess that craving for electricity moments is something I was entertaining with him. So is this something I can pursue Universe? And it is a No… hehe… literally the evening I was driving to the shift about entertaining to pursue possibly…. this shift showed obviously that his girl has noticed the intensity eye conversation going on… hehe… he immediately looked down and away anytime I was close and she seemed to be obviously next to him at all times now… hehe… she was claiming her territory and he was being submissive and was obviously showing her that he is going to display that I am not someone he’s pursuing. Ok… question answered… hehe… they are not in an open relationship… got it. I’ve been put into her same department the last few shifts and I’ve attempted to show her that I’m not a bad guy.. and she even had to admit that I’m not bad… she mentioned that I’ve got queen qualities… yeah don’t worry sweatheart… it was just an intense eye exchange that I was curious about and even thought possibly to entertain but I can see this is not something I’ll pursue.

Ha! It seems like the more not so obvious couples seem to be becoming more obvious now… hehe… there is a buddy who is from my hometown who he and I started at the same time two summers ago. We had the same person tell us about the position and carpooled the first season. I haven’t seen him since the first summer but we are friendly… sometimes that happens when we have similar history of even just being from the same small town. But he and his new girl where in the same department with me last night. And I was shooting the shit with him from time to time… and she was very uncomfortable with that. She was trying to be abrupt with me and that’s fine but I’m sorry… I’m not pursuing him but I am still going to talk and be friendly… he’s on my list to watch… I can see working with him eventually in some manner… we did carpool one day and I got a little of the background on their relationship and they had recently broken up… she broke it off.. and it looks like they are on their second attempt… I mean this must have started again within the week so fresh and I could also notice my buddy acting a bit different as well. It’s nice to see these young men confirming to the ladies they are interested in that I’m not a romantic partner… I respect that, but I also know that my buddy knows this about us and also probably knows her insecurity shouldn’t exist with our relationship… but again… I do trigger awareness in areas that might be something we can explore in ourselves at times. Eventually I got to the point that we are from the same town when I was talking to another coworker to hint to her that this is how we know each other… I know his family and I listen to what’s going on in his life and I’m just being friendly and familiar because that is our relationship… nothing romantic… but are you really deserving of this young man? I’m not convinced of this yet… but let’s see how this continues.

Alright and now the next entertaining of thought is a guy who I went on a date with to a haunted house last fall. It was setup like an actual date.. hehe… I hadn’t had a date in soooo long. We definitely established that it wasn’t going to go anywhere and we randomly talk from time to time, but it’s mostly trying to get a caving trip lined up to share again. In fact he’s coming to the Labor Day weekend shindig so we’ll see how it goes. And my mind is wondering how it will go as well. We played around together and it was fun… there was no buzzing or electricity and I did tell him that I’m not going to have intercourse with him… which for some reason I think makes him want me more. I guess I can relate to the feeling of wanting something that we can’t have at this time. Why? I know there are many answers to why but why is that attractive to being told no at times? Challenge? If it’s too easily available is it not attractive? I know I notice when someone seems to eager. Do we have to work for it to be attracted or attractive? This is a temporary thing though right? At the beginning stage of attraction there is a little resistance? But anyway we were making all the permit arrangements for the caving trip lined up and he asked if I was working the concert last night. And I told him I was and he said he was thinking about going. And I told him I could come early to hangout with him. It had been a long time since I watched a concert. I had to go teach my first djembe lesson for my drum troupe to a new community who is going to learn and teach our songs. And said I’d check back later. And as I was driving I was running through my mind the conversation I would have with him… again I’m not looking for a deep relationship with him but I could entertain the playing aspect… When I returned he said he’s been partying all weekend and cannot find the motivation to get out of the house… and I chuckled and said… that’s fine and thank you Universe… I see the answer is No. But there’s still the upcoming weekend where we’ll be at the hostel together not alone together but still have time to spend and so we’ll just see how it goes. I rented out the Tower which sleeps 13 people and so I’m trying to get people to share the sleeping space and of course he said if I’d like to share a bed with him… he’d be down. Cuddling doesn’t sound bad and I see myself going back and forth whether to or not but I’m not finalizing any decisions until we get down there and see how the sleeping arrangements will unfold. I’m starting to finally get some ladies to join so I’m hoping there’s a healthy mix of masculine and feminine energies… with the females joining… I feel like the females will share the beds and men will get their own bunks and couples their own beds as well.

So why do I not get a No from the Universe when it comes the Man? I was introduced to tarot a long time ago and I thought it was nonsense originally. But then reintroduced back to me after my first set of ceremonies and I was getting introduced to the concept of twin flames. Again many will think this as silly but I could relate.. and I’m not saying everything that everyone says to the tee is what I resonate with, but that’s not how I approach tarot anyway. I’ve been listening for 8 years now and my relationship has changed within this time. Before me shift last night I even heard stop trying for the little fish and go for the big fish… hehe… and I’m like I tried the big fish… the big fish doesn’t want me to catch him…. And really God damn it… I’m the big fish and he’s not interested in the big fish… he prefers the little fish to me… hehe… but again I entertain… can I entertain or pursue a few little fish? Or am I going to continue to get No’s? Am I going to continue to ignore my memory of the little fish experience and the piece of enjoyment of sensations but don’t I want the whole sha-bang? I know I want the whole shabang but it’s not in my experience at this time so I’m not ready for it? I know that there are a lot of changes I’ve been doing for myself that is definitely helpful for attracting and any sooner would not have been good either. And I see how attractive I feel right now… but there is still something I am working on that I’m not seeing as clearly. I wonder if it’s the desensitizing the sensual sensations and desires? I have removed it from my life but I see in other areas of my life that I might be doing similar choices but for different reasons. I’ve seen myself block people and waiting for the Universe to allow our next conversation… and I started to see that this is what I want to do with this Man… I blocked myself from being the one to reach out and remove myself from his presence and trust the Universe will play out the way it will be. And I’ll just continue to entertain and listen… it seems like I get some answers fairly quickly and I do find this all pretty entertaining in a way as well.

My retired buddies from Colorado has invited me to join them for a week in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico at the end of October that again I’m entertaining. My past landlord buddy is looking for a new location in Mexico to have since his place in Cabo is being bought out. And my past carpenter boss has been spending winters in Puerto Vallarta for decades now. I enjoy these guys but I know they’re going to be drinking a lot and that doesn’t sound so fun to me. But my old boss has a sail boat and that does have a draw to it. I guess he proposed to his Mexican girlfriend… I asked if there is a wedding soon? Experiencing a Mexican wedding sounds like a lot of fun.. was talking about deep sea diving with a friend which led me to wanting to dive in cenotes in Mexico… and so I am entertaining this a little more than anything else right now… I could see possibly a wedding but sailing, diving in cenotes in Mexico does sound like fun… if I’m heading south that makes me think about why not just going to Columbia while I’m at it… visit my Swedish friend, but then it brings me back to… if I’m that close to the Peru… can I go ahead and go back to the jungle before I fully integrate my messages from last time? I miss the jungle and the community and ceremonies… maybe I could use a bit of inspiration, direction and motivation soon. Hmmm… maybe Mexico is calling… I’ll have to listen and feel out more… I wasn’t sure if I was wanting to spend back to back winters here in Indiana… specifically at my pops house that doesn’t have running water or heat… it’s not comfortable managing this situation; however, I love the solitary time and I haven’t been losing myself into my projects lately and I gain value in this but I also understand this is theoretical comfort and allowing the Universe to show me an alternative route might be something that is pointing towards Mexico at this time? Alright… I’ll be open to this… see how much money I can save up at this time… and possibly where I can find different avenues of income possibly as well? Let’s see… ok that felt good to purge a bit out. Going to eat some lunch and I’m wanting to get out into the woods and fields today to gather some native wildflowers to add to my dad’s property for next year. Ok.. until next time please enjoy ourselves!

withinUverse · August 19

Oh wow! That last entry triggered something for me… hehe… I barely could sleep last night because I started to entertain the idea of going to visit my friends and making my way down South. It was crazy… it wasn’t really hitting me at first it took a little time before I realized that I had already planned on doing a road trip through Pan America… and I guess I’m going to go ahead and start getting ready to do this at the end of October. So my first invitation was in Puerto Vallarta so I was looking it up with flights and stays and I was watching a random YT video and it starting saying that the bus route has two main roads that travels north and south and the names of the roads were Colombia and Peru… hehe… and I was just like… hmmm… I think this is something I’m really wanting to do. And then I was looking at the map and I was like who do I know in Mexico? I went to Mexico City, Cozumel, and Playa del Carmen… so I have contacts there… and I reached out to my Couchsurfing friend in CDMX and was wondering if he’s still there and if he’d have free time to visit with me. And again I was thinking about flights and then I thought about the buses… and then I’m not sure what triggered me but I started to ask what would be the cost to drive? And it was like the same price…. Obviously longer but not more expensive, and actually got cheaper once in Mexico… and so I thought why don’t I just drive? I was looking at the map and the state of Oaxaca stood out to me but I just continued and then my buddy who I’d be visiting in Puerto Vallarta said he planned on going to Oaxaca afterwards… and again I kept going… and then I started to realize… you know I don’t really want to go to Puerto Vallarta… it’s a bit too touristy for my taste. I’d much rather be in the country side and away from tourist pretty much and away from crowded cities. And so I started to think where would I like to go… and started talking to Claude AI and then hit started to click… oh yeah… you’ve looked this up before already. Yeah you wanted to go and visit these indigenous communities that have kept traditional Mayan and Aztec shamanism practices and now has combined with Catholicism but they have sacred sites, land, ruins… yeah you wanted to go and check these out and stay with them and possibly share ceremonies. I want to learn from different craftsman and dance and play music… like I always want to do wherever I go… so yeah. It’s come back around and I guess it’s time to go for it.

And the more I looked into the more I was buzzing… so now I’m understanding that I’m not just going on a trip to visit friends. I’m transitioning to a lifestyle I want to embrace at this time. I dont have all the fancy gear that I thought would be nice to have, but I’ll just go as I am with what I have. I have a few months to save as much money as I can and I’ve signed up for Workaway… going to get my profile uploaded… start to reach out to some of them. I briefly searched for Oaxaca and it was the city and I found a guy who is a dance instructor another who needs help training hourse for trails… found farms and hostels… there were 25 options in that city… and I was like yes… I absolutely love to volunteer… the CS app is usually for a few days which is good and handy to have and has an option to hangout for the day with people. And the Workaway app is usually good for longer stays like a few weeks to a month… and this can really build skills and community… also allow rest from possible fatigue from driving. So I’d like to be more intentional and slow paced exploring these areas. Claude and I are trying to figure a general framework of areas I’d like to check out but also allow spontaneity to arise whenever that might be. I’m so excited! I just got off the phone with my Swedish friend who invited me to go to Colombia with him. So he’s going and staying for awhile. He planned on having it as his base camp and then do smaller trips. He was thinking Peru. I don’t remember how many countries he’s visited so far but he’s been to several… maybe closer to a hundred… and he’s been to many of the locations I want to go to in Mexico and Central America… but he said that he actually didn’t go to El Salvador and he would be interested in returning to these islands in Nicaragua with me. So I guess I’m trying to plan with people to come and join me as I’m doing this.

I’ve also reached out to my girlfriend that I met at the hostel last fall who was living out of her car with her dog for a long time and she’s been itching to get out of Indiana.. she’s the one that has arranged to go do Aya as well in Peru without my assistance. But I mentioned Mexico and she’s like… I’d do the winter in Mexico… hehe… so yeah… I guess I’m going to do this and I’m super excited to join people and have my solitary time too. I went to tell my dad my “crazy” idea which he was nervous about… but when I was talking to him… I ended up inviting him to join me for the winter as well. He originally thought he was going to Zambia for the winter but he canceled those plans and he hadn’t really made up his mind what he wanted to do. And I said join me in Mexico… he really wants to go and visit the beaches around the States… well the beaches in Mexico are beautiful as well. I wanted to get him out and about of the US for sometime now… I’d love to show him how people are and how more affordable it could be for him if he wasn’t actually living in the US full-time. He’s got his garden and fruit orchard and fish and squirrels and stuff.. so come back for the summers but instead of freezing our booties off why not go and explore more. He’s got his leg checkup next week to look at his vascular flow and hopefully find a resolution for him so he can get his mobility back. He said he wouldn’t want to hold me back… but I told him I’m not in a hurry… I’m not rushing to return back to the States… and we don’t always have to be doing the same things anyway. We can travel together but being up one another’s butts doesn’t result in the best circumstances… we’ve done time in Hawaii which was out of his comfort zone and things were not going to what his thoughts were and we were getting irritable with one another. I’m not sure how long we can travel Mexico together, but If we actually give each other space and not have to do everything together… I think we can travel longer together… and I think we’d have a blast doing it. I’m telling him about Couchsurfer and Workaway… and it’s getting him nervous… but it’s only been 24 hours… so I’ll relax with it for him to digest and think about it. It usually takes him awhile to sort out his thoughts and make a decision. I said I’d like to leave around the 21st of October after my retreat weekends… and be in Oaxaca by November first to enjoy the Day of the Day festivals around there.

I need a lot of help speaking and understanding Spanish so I’m half tempted to ask my buddy in CDMX if he’d like to join us for a few weeks or however long to help get us acclimated a bit more. That’s also why I like CS and WA apps because I’ll see other travelers… find more people who speak English and there are usually language exchange practices going on. Again I’d love to be fluent by the time I return to Peru… That would be absolutely amazing. I cannot wait to speak another language and be able to communicate with such a larger population… woohoo!

So I started to brainstorm with Claude. I’m going to write a FB post to the friends I have on there. I’m thinking I want to ask if they have family or friends in these areas I want to travel or even passing though… see if they wouldn’t mind if I visit with them… volunteer with them… cook with them… send pictures back of them…. In the Pan-American region. I actually feel like I have at least one contact in each country… I have to think about it a little more… but there are probably a lot more people that I don’t know their background or roots that might be interested in my little journey… and of course the networks they already have that they could possibly share with me. We have this community on FB and I’ve tried to use it as a community board at times… but hasn’t been too successful most of the time… but it’s not going to stop me from doing it again. I’ll get better at it and my network keeps growing so why not give it a go. I also heard Claude saying I could possibly find a way to gain monetarily with this lifestyle choice I’m making… he seems to feel like what I’m interested in doing is something people would like to follow and support. So I guess this is something I’m going to be looking into as well. Not sure but I’ll keep using this Journal for blogging I guess… but I might be vlogging on YT and I think I have a Patreon account that I haven’t used yet. But yeah… I’m excited. I’m starting to already want to talk to people about it… why I called Sweden and later Colorado. I messaged my girls here in Indiana….. saying I have some news. I have drum practice next Tuesday… and I’m just really getting excited and Called to make this move at this time and how ready I am for it.

I just feel so much more trusting in the Universe right now. I’ll be a different person even more so going through this… but I feel my connection to the communication of the Universe is going to be amplified living this way. Ok… I’m going to get off here for now, but yeah… let’s do this!

withinUverse · August 24

Alright so the mess begins… hehe… So of course I’m excited and so I start to look around the room and say ok… it’s time to purge and I start looking at things. I was thinking maybe this is the time I will not leave anything behind at my pops place. If I’m not taking it with me then I don’t need it any longer…. So I hoping that is the case, and I’m pretty sure this can be done. Of course I feel like I have much more than I need and I’m going to figure out how to reduce it. But as I was doing so more things started popping up in my mind. And so I’ve been hunting around my dad’s stuff and thinking I can use parts and pieces to actually convert the van into a travel home for Elvis and I. I don’t have a lot of carpentry tools or even mechanical tools… some but I’m hoping my buddy has some that I can borrow. He’s the buddy who thought he was going to have to build a dance stage to get lessons… hehe… so I’m thinking he has something I can use. Basically I’m deconstructing things and making them fit into the van. To make it comfy there’s a sectional sofa that has been sitting around my dads… two pieces on the porch and another in the garage. And I’m looking to make the seats while we are driving and sitting much more comfortable maybe? I don’t think I want to drive more than five hours if I’m by myself but maybe only eight hours if I have a partner to share the time with… we’ll see of course but I still think it would be nice to have more cushion and comfort. I don’t think I’ll be attaching them to the seats and so they can then be used in the back lounge area too possibly. I’m pretty short… just shy of 5’-5” and I think I’m just going to sleep width wise in the van. I think I can come up with a way to make a loft style So I can store stuff underneath. We’re going to be using a 2014 Dodge Grand Caravan… it looks like there’s many people who have converted these into camper vehicles and mostly do the width of the back when they stowaway the seats. That’s actually what I’ve done last year when I was car camping when I went to visit the hostel. But the mattress took up all the flooring and I don’t want that permanently. Plus I think we’ll be picking people up from time to time and having friends join once in a while so I think I want the second row seating to be available to use when we need it. I will stowaway for the most part and use it as the lounge area and most likely my dad’s sleeping area to start. He wouldn’t be able to stretch out his legs when he sleeps though so I”m still trying to see what options we have. I might be able to have him run the length of the back if I can find something more appropriate to loft my bed up. But anyway I guess it’s going to be a bigger project then just packing up and leaving. Honestly I kept hearing on the tarot to slow down… what’s the rush… and I was like it’s two months away and I’d just like to get started so I’m not waiting until the last minute. They said I might be missing something. Well I didn’t realize how open I am to working on the van a bit… like removing the third row seating… and I’ve been popping side panels and taking a look around to see if there are ways I can mount in the metal framing… I don’t have a budget… I’m actually trying my best to not spend money on setting it up… trying to save most of my money when I actually travel around not by setting myself up to not go anywhere because I spent the money… hehe… so I think I can be creative with things. There are some purchases that I think I will be making there’s an electrical kit that has a second battery the home battery that can be charged along with the start battery in the van. I’d be able to convert the 12v to 120v…. There are some basic kits that run $2-300 and I’d be able to install myself. I’m still not certain if I’m going to be cooking in the van yet or not so I’m not sure if I”lol need this or not to start with. That’s the thing… It’s been so tempting to think about all the things I might need and not really knowing. I’ve been on long road trips in the van but I haven’t actually lived in the van. Technically I’m not sure if I’m going to be living in the van either. I think for a good part I’ll be volunteering at farms and hostels and what not… so maybe half the time I’ll be living in the van. And I think I’ll be bringing my hammock and tent to camp at times and car camp at other times… Again I feel like I want to give myself options… but then I’m wondering if I should just simplify it more. I mean I keep thinking about deconstructing everything and something that has ran across my mind is the insects. I feel like I’ll be in the rainy season right off the jump and if the mosquitos in the jungle are like any other jungle I’ll be visiting then I’ll want to protect the interior from swarms. So do I just try to figure out how to attach the tent I already have to the van? I mean I doubt I’m going to park my van and pull out a tent and sleep on the ground if I have a bed setup in the van will I? But if I’m looking for protection from the insects… maybe I can use the tent to help me with this? I’ve been thinking about popping out the side panels and clamping it back together but putting the netting in between so it’s attached and leaving slits in the middle for placing possibly magnetic strip. I’ve got my sewing machine out and I’ve been removing old upholstery off cusions and sewing other materials to replace them. The sectional material isn’t too bad and so I”ve been removing pieces and I’m going to through the cases in the washer and see what I got. I might be even taking some of the extra fabric that is wrapping around the sofa as possible currtains maybe. I was thinking I didn’t have to go too crazy on supplies because most likely it’s going to be cheaper in Mexico to buy than buy them here in the States. I have looked into Starlink a bit and it’s cheaper to buy the system in the US because it’s around 45% off right now… and the monthly is pretty much the same at $50 for 50GB… I’m definitely thinking about this as one of the major purchases I’ll be doing before I go. Thinking about buying the system here and then starting it the week before I leave. Been thinking about how to get Elvis my cat acclimated to the idea of living in a van… hehe… I took him out there today and once I opened the door he started squirming around and placed him in the back and he immediately jumped out. I figured this would happen but I’m going to be doing this more and more until we leave. I need him to get the understanding that this will be the new location he needs to return to. I let him outside right now and he knows to stay around the house and he can go in and out as he pleases… he’ll need to understand that will be the van shortly… I’ll let him come and go as he pleases as long as he knows to return to the van. Again he’s been on long roadtrips but nothing quite like this one. And so I’m trying to figure out how to make it homey for him as well. I’ve been trying different stuff out in the van and I am laying there listening to all the insects and feeling the wind blowing through the van and I almost fall asleep each time because it’s so peaceful. I’m so excited to just relax out in nature. I guess I’m not in a hurry per se but I guess I don’t want to be here in the winter… and if I can get most of the work done before it gets too cold I think that would be ideal as well. So we’ll see.But yeah there’s so much stuff all over the place right now… and I’m wondering how I’m supposed to stay organized when I have so many projects going through my head. I go verified for Workaway and I reached out to my first host. I guess there is a 3 acre homestead close to the city center in Indy and I thought maybe it would be nice to check out the app before I leave. He hasn’t returned my message yet but I thought I could go a few days a week until I leave. That was before all these projects showing up… so maybe he won’t return my messages because I guess I have a lot of projects on my hands to handle. The app also shows who is in the area that is part of the community and I saw a young man who seemed interesting. We are supposed to meet today but I might see if he’d meet me at my drum practice tomorrow maybe. There was going to be a drum circle in Indy we were going to meet at but it got cancelled. And I’m not sure if I’m going to make the trip to Indy today… I’m swamped with projects… hehe… he’s messaging me now so I’ll see what he says. But he’s leaving up north Labor Day weekend and I’m going down to the hostel so we only have a few days to meet if we can. I cancelled on my kayak trip with my coworker and yeah I guess I feel like I”m being much more selective on my gas money at this time… hehe… well I just wanted to come on here and let you guys know what’s going on… let’s see if things will fall into place and I can use found objects to fit into the van and have it comfy enough to stay long periods of time driving or sleeping or lounging. I’m ready to get back at it… so enjoy ourselves until next time!

I forgot to mention that my Workaway profile seemed like I was using a different approach. I’m not representing myself as just a wild female traveling…. But I’m a nonprofit networking finding its way to be established… it was interesting to change it up this way. But I”m trying to narrow down the field of engagements and opportunities. Let’s see if I can attract people that are interested in my long term vision?

Edited August 24 by withinUverse
Forgot to mention something

withinUverse · August 27

Alright good morning… I keep observing myself and it seems like I feel like I can share what I’m finding at this moment. So I do keep listening to tarot readings and I cannot express how much I”m hearing to slow down… hehe… yes my emotions drive me… I’m excited and I just get so motivated, but I am trying to pace myself and not push so hard but I am enjoying working on these projects. So I was talking about letting the mess begin because I have all of these projects going on to convert the van into a mobile home. And yes this isn’t just cluttering my space but all my thoughts are a bit more chaotic than normal.. hehe… Not that it’s a bad thing… hehe… just something I’m observing. As an example I was speaking to one of my girlfriends when I went to bathe at her parents place and talking about heading out. I happened to mention that I have about 19 months left on my passport and so I’d have to deal with that relatively soon as I’m traveling. And later that night I was like… well why don’t I just renew it now? And so yeah I decided that night I’d much rather have a fresh 10 years on my passport then a year and a half. I won’t have to worry about entry into countries who say might need 6 months on my passport to allowed entry. If I have ten years than that is something I don’t really need to worry about. And I have time before I leave so I have time to wait 6-8 weeks for the new passport to return to me. So anyway I had to go to CVS to get my passport photo, went to the library to print out my passport renewal application and then went to the post office to send it out. When I went to the post office I was trying to talk to the lady there. I told her I’m not wanting to expedite my passport application but I am interested in mailing it express to and from the passport office. And she didn’t know how I was to expedite it back to me. And finally we decided that we’ll just make sure it gets there quick and then allow however long it will take to get it back from them. (Not to mention I ordered a device to help me quit vaping and the post office is shipping it to me from Illinois and it’s been over a week for it to be delivered…. I”m still waiting… I’ve been tracking it from Illinois to New Jersey to Pennsylvania, back to Illinois and now it’s been in Indianapolis for days now… hehe… so yeah I didn’t want this to be the case when I sent my passport application) But I had her staple my photo onto the application and I signed it with a black pen and we were… oh wait we did seal it before I realized I didn’t even put in the application fee… hehe… I was going to pay for the express shipping and I was like wait… I need to send the fee along with. She was cool about it and used another envelope. I told her I’m so excited that it seems like I”m a bit scattered. She confirmed the amount and also the payee name for me. We got the money order in there and sealed it up. I told her that she was super helpful and grateful even though she thought she didn’t do much. I mean she got on her personal phone to verify who to send it to because again I don’t have phone service so don’t just have access to online… I told her I can go to the library real quick and she said she’d just do it and she didn’t have to do that. But any way I left and got home and one of the first things I do is grab my iPad… but where is my iPad? lol… I left it on the counter of the post office. It was there waiting for me… and I chuckled as I was leaving and said… this again demonstrates how scattered I am because of the excitement. This excitement does do something to me… and it’s been more obvious lately… so again I’m trying to not judge how I’m behaving right now but just noticing… and I find it humorous. And I guess I’ll just expose myself a little more about other observations that I see right now.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before but I’ll say it again.. because this is where I am still.. so when I listen to tarot… I just let it play in the background while I’m doing things… and so it’s not like I”m hanging on every word that is being said… but I find there’s a large community of positive and spiritual workers who are out there… and so I enjoy hearing this content then say the news for example… so I don’t mind playing tarot or music in the background… but its interesting what seems to stand out in my memory. There was something again about slowing down.. and one of the tarot readers was like what exactly does this mean for you? And she started saying how it’s how I deal with relationships… If I’m going to fast I might be going to fast with the people who are wanting to work with me at this time. And I was laughing at this because she’s like what if I had to wait a few more days or weeks or even months… and I”m like what if I’ve been waiting for years? Hehe… I feel like I”ve been waiting for years to wait for the collective to be ready to work with me… and that’s what I continue to watch as it goes by my mind… I’m still taking in account of this Aussie man in my plans… this is what always happens… I started to make extra arrangements to make my dad more comfortable sleeping if I can convince him to join me for the winter… but as I was making it easier for him… I did a little extra to make sure I can afford someone who is close to 7 feet tall to sleep in the van as well… hehe.. the Aussie man is a gentle giant… hehe… and so just in case he would ever decide to join me in this van setup then I’d had considered his comfort as well. I find anytime I make any big changes and decisions… he continues to creep in to my planning and decisions… but I was wondering if this would continue or not… and currently it still is happening. I have all of these fantasies that pop up… I’ve got all of these short trips for the weekend coming up and seeing my desire to be able to share them with him. Being able to spend time with him in nature and just relaxing and exploring whatever comes our way sounds so nice and a desire I would love to experience. It reminded me of the my dream I didn’t have that long ago where I was making rounds of checking on everyone as if it was my job, but then when my twin flame was actually ready to engage with me… I stopped checking on everyone and we didn’t even engage or moved in the space as one would think… Just as an example we stopped walking on our feet around… we were morphing into the environments like we were extremely malleable … instead of stepping down the steps we slid down and ended up pretty much swimming on our backs instead of walking on the ground… and I wasn’t even looking to where I was going… I was looking at him and talking with him and he even asked don’t I want to see where we are going and I was like… it doesn’t matter… I trust him…. But honestly it’s a trust in the Universe. I’m trying to get my psyche to understand that I am about to be moving in this way regardless if I have him. I guess that’s why I’m so excited… I can feel the complete release and freedom that is on my finger tips… it’s like I’m finally fighting my way out of the chrysalis… I”m about to fly I can taste that sweet freedom that I’ve been waiting for. I feel like possibly I feel like if he was on board that it would have strengthened my trust in the Universe… since the Universe has been talking about him for the past eight years and if he’s finally on board I’d be like… ok… so I guess I can finally truly trust you, Univese… you weren’t playing a cruel trick on me. But I seem to be at a time to not need him to join me to truly trust the Universe. I’m at the point where my higher self has put myself into the checkmate position…. Hehe… even though I’ve been wanting to get to this point… we’ve been patient enough to allow me to get there naturally with intention and not pressure. Not that pressure didn’t help in certain situations but not when it comes to complete release… pressure doesn’t need to be present. And so maybe that’s what slowing down for me is to be aware if I’m placing an pressure on myself… I think I’m doing so much better… yes I’m working on my projects and I always enjoy myself doing these projects… but I am naturally taking breaks and sleeping so these are all good signs… I’m not be obsessive of my excitement.

I’m jumping around but that’s normal… hehe… I keep wanting to put all of my stuff in the van… but with all the clutter and noticing how it affects me… I’m like… simplify as much as I can… and try to make it as clean as possible so its not challenging to keep it clean… simplify and also remembering that wherever I find myself I’ll have what I need and if I need anything that I don’t have… I’ve seen not having things have gotten me to be more creative and usually I can find an alternative. But I’ve also been driving around lately and I’ve been finding so much freedom and excitement in doing this… hehe… again another thing that I remember with tarot is someone was using driving as an example of communicating to the Universe… building communication and intuition… allow ourselves to just go down this road awhile and then taking a turn and just go with it and see where it takes us… and that’s exactly what I want to do… increase this skill…. I want to do these Enlightenment Expeditions and they will be like Vision Quests… when I hit the road this is me building these skills now and not waiting until the Expeditions are setup… I’m developing these skills before I share this with groups of people… getting ready to be ready… I was talking to my buddy who I stay with in Colorado… we’re talking about meeting up in Mexico at some point… and he seems to be planning out what he’s doing in Mexico… he’s retired by the way and I told him if we share some time… I’d like to travel and live in the way I would like to share with him… and he said he knows how I am… but I was thinking about it… he doesn’t really know how I approach life. I’m always staying with him in his space and I’ve never felt like I’ve had my own space it’s his space that I’m living in… If he comes with me… then he’ll have the first chance to live in my space… and I haven’t really had the freedom to go and do whatever and so he hasn’t experienced this with me… I mean granted how I am even in his space is unusual to him and more on the foot loose and fancy free…. But not really… hehe… I went with my dad to his vascular appointment yesterday. There were times we were talking and I’m always hinting to him that I’d like to have him join me for a little while in the van. He wanted to hear the results of his vascular situation before committing… but there was a time I had to let him know that he’s not much of an optimist… he’s actually very pessimistic… I told him he tricked me when I was younger… hehe… he was part of the optimist club and I just didn’t know what to look for at a younger age but I thought he had a more optimistic approach to life and some areas he does… but now a days… I don’t see it… he’s very pessimistic and doesn’t have any expectation of anything going right.. that’s the thing… he definitely carries expectations with him everywhere.. but he mentioned that his outlook is more like the librarian guy that came to visit us one night for dinner and ping-pong when my dad tried out his electric bike… a few months ago… but he mentioned one of his stories he shared with us… he said that if he’s traveling with someone who makes it fun then he’ll have fun, but when he’s alone he doesn’t have fun. I was telling him that it isn’t fair. You place the responsibility on someone else for your happiness… instead of being responsible for your own happiness. I was telling him what is the common denominator in your experiences of happiness or not… You! You have to take yourself with you… if we cannot be happy with ourselves, then how can we expect someone else to make us happy? It’s just not fair… and that’s what really wants me to hesitate to ask my dad to join me honestly… I always feel like I have to make him happy… and I know how much he complains and not satisfied and will expect me to make him have a good time… and I know this happens and so I’ve already been seeding him that we don’t always have to be around one another if we travel together… we can be doing different things… and so we’ll see… but I feel like I’m trying to give people one more chance… hehe… I messaged my brother to let him know I plan on moving out of the country and see if he’d like to have dinner with me before I leave. It hasn’t been quite a week but I’m curious if he’ll respond at least with something… I told my ex step-mom and she said she’d like to hear about my trip the next time we see one another… and we rarely see each other… there isn’t any effort anymore to speak and catch up… I feel like I’m trying to let people know that once I leave here… I’m not going to be making my rounds anymore. I’m not going to be so present in their lives checking on them… I’m going to be going forward and flowing and I want to explore more than repeating cycles. I’m going to be cutting off ties it seems… and trusting the Universe to reunite whenever that is or if ever that is… I’m not wanting to be doing the same things I’ve been doing… I’m looking forward to be engaging with people who enjoy my energy and I enjoy their energy… even if it’s for a walk along the river… hehe… I met up with a young man from Workaway. He said I was the first person on this app that he’s had for a year to reach out to just hang out with him. We asked me to meet him at a small park about half way between our locations… and I’ve been there before and I told him I’d meet him in the parking lot. I was waiting and it was about 10 minutes after our meeting time… and I found myself starting to walk around… I was looking at the river and taking a trail to where the boat ramp is and I remember there is a parking lot there… and before I got there I ran into him… hehe… right I just started to have the feeling that maybe he wasn’t at the same parking lot as I am. He was a bit nervous to meet a stranger to take a walk… hehe… but yeah I think he doesn’t regret it. We did have a great conversation… he was very excited about his travels and was talking nonstop about his experiences with the Workaway.. I guess he found himself at a sexual cult in New Mexico… and so yes he had some entertaining stories… but the conversation did come to me and I shared more about my shamanism and Enlightenment work.. and so our conversation started switching up… he has some heavy stuff going on with his family and he started to purge it all out… and he said he doesn’t know why he’s doing this but it felt good to release it… and again we only had a walk along the river but I enjoyed spending time with this young man. And I hope the Universe allows us to spend time together in the future… but maybe this is all that we needed… but I’d like this…. Not that I just want to spend only fleeting moments… but conversations that connect instantly… hehe… I didn’t have to gradually work my way for him to trust me… I mean I guess I did but I didn’t have to take days, weeks, months.. or even years… to do this… it just took a walk along the river… but that also says something about his development. I understand that we all are different and I don’t mind taking time with people… but I’m going to spend less energy in this process… I feel like people who are ready to exchange with me without so much effort is calling me to come and visit. We’re going to attract one another and I keep thinking about all those people I was having visions about…. I cannot help but want to know how I’m going to respond when it starts to unfold… hehe… and I guess to see if they are visions or not… hehe… stop it from being a theory… and see if it’s actual Reality. I do have to also admit.. that I have so many visions… and I’ve been telling everyone about the expeditions and HImalayas… not just everyone but also myself… and I guess I’ve just got a vast future ahead of me… and it might take years for things to unfold… and I didn’t know when or how.. I feel like I’ve said this many times… but I do have an understanding of this.. but when I get the call it’s hard for me to not just go full speed ahead… hehe… I think we’d have to have read all of my ramblings to understand what I’m trying to say… but again romantic love is something that drives me… and I had a dream of my Aussie man and it was in Nepal and so I thought I should get there as soon as I could because I wanted to share an experience with him… even though in the dream he wasn’t there… I was looking at all the people who were with me… and he wasn’t one of them… but my higher self was rubbing my feet comforting me.. and speaking with me that he’ll follow me… and so I wanted to think that was the next steps… but it’s not… I have another part of the world that I’m going to be explore first I guess. And I guess that’s another thing to mention…

I feel like I’ve said have such a strong drive right now… but there does seem to be an exception still… I still have an exception when it comes to this man. If he happens to show up out of thin air… I would make adjustments for him. But I want to make it clear that it’s not that I’m going to completely stop where my visions are leading me… but will I make time for him? Of course… anytime he would like to share time with me… he would worth it to make time for him and to start building a tangible experience with him. Especially since I’m trying to stop communicating with him through social media… I am hoping that if we are to engage with one another it will have to be in person. I’ve been to Australia twice and I’ve made my attempts… if he ever made the attempt himself… I would make time for him… I’m not embarrassed by this… I’ve been waiting a long time… but even though I have this in my mind and in my hopes and desires… this isn’t the first time I wished this… so it’s not like it’s ever stopped me from moving forward… so this will be the same in this situation… I’m not waiting around for him to surprise me… I’ll continue to walk the path forward… and if he continues to not want to share with me… then I’ll continue without him. And I am trying to create more space for me to experience something new. All of these guys I’ve been entertaining hasn’t even been in a romantic context mostly… and I guess that’s why I would take time for him… I’d like to build experiences to get to know one another… build the romance… build our understanding of how our relationship can unfold with trust and unconditional love…I guess I cannot find the words of how to express what I’d like to share with him… but I guess it’s for him to hear and I won’t know what that is until he’s in my presence… and I’ll let the Universe decide if that will happen and when and where… I’ll continue to observe if this is still happening in the future… I’m open for this to change as well…

Well I am excited about my projects so I’m going to go back to it… I’m thinking of taking some furniture down to the hostel to use there tools to shorten and make them fit into the van… but I’m also looking at this cardboard around the house and thinking it might be time to do some cardboard furniture though too…. Find a video of an interesting guy who is experimenting with cardboard furniture that I think I might try out. Theres a few areas that I think I can apply it to… and I’ll see which way I’ll go with. Ok this is good for now… until next time… enjoy ourselves!

withinUverse · September 3

Oh my goodness... I'm irritable and grumpy today... I'm more relaxed but earlier I was getting triggered interacting with my dad. I know it really wasn't him that I was bothered by but what happened during the weekend. i had a girlfriend that I was questioning because I started to see her being immature and a bit petty when we went to the town fair... and i wanted to retract my invitation to the Labor Day weekend event, but I didn't and I wanted things to be good. I guess I'm bothered because I'm so affected by people who have a history with me. I was questioning if their words should be so impactful for me... and it's obvious that it still is very affective, and of course its not really her... it's my relationship to her and what I haven't been able to resolve in myself. I've been observing my thoughts circling back to being upset with her. And the thing is I cannot stop them. I can relax and allow other thoughts to come in but then these thoughts continued to circle back and it's been three days now. I spoke out loud a little but not thoroughly and possibly I can get thoughts to purge out here and I won't have to continue to circle with the revolving thoughts.

So she was one who I had setup with my buddy who I was teaching bachata dance classes with and we've been doing some caving together as well. He's the one that was in my Greek class in high school and I have a feeling I'll be working with him in ceremonies in the future... but I didn't know how we would cross paths again until he reached out for dance lessons. Anyway... he's a great guy and I'm enjoying to get to know him. And I told him he had the green light to pursue my girl friend... and he didn't hesitate and I'm happy for them. The only thing that I didn't realize was that she was going to be really possessive over him. By getting them together was actually going to have me lose both of them.. ha... she does not want him to be friends with me. Everything I say to him is construed as being sexual towards him. She does not like how I speak with him. And I really didn't know what she was talking about. We were preparing breakfast. I was getting the bacon and eggs ready and he was getting the fire started so he could heat up some cinnamon rolls for everyone. She came into the kitchen and i asked her if eggs and cinnamon rolls was going to be enough for her since she doesn't eat meat... she said yeah... and i happened to say that "her man" brought guacamole... and she said I know what he brought here. I was like...umm... I was just asking if you'd like guacamole toast along with the eggs and cinnamon rolls...and she said no. I said are you mad at me? And she said yeah.. yeah I am upset. And I asked her what for? And she looked me straight in the eyes and said that I should already know why she's upset with me. And I looked at her and said I really don't know what you are mad at or I wouldn't be asking you. And the first thing she said was something I did two-three weeks ago... i don't know time is weird for me. but it was the full moon night that we had a barbeque and they were going to go canoeing. I ate barbeque with them and then I had to leave to go to work but we got done within two hours so I was wanting to see how their canoe trip went and also it was really hot and I thought a full moon night on the river sounds like a good night for a dip. No I didn't have my swimsuit or planned it out, but I did have my towel inside my van... and I went skinny dipping and put my towel on afterwards and spoke to them briefly before and after and then I left. Maybe a total of a half hour. She said I was standing naked in front of him and her... and I was like I didn't stand naked in front of you guys. She said you had a towel on but it was pretty much being naked. And this is something i should have known she is mad at me about two weeks later asking her about breakfast? And then she said she doesn't like me asking him to go caving with me. And I looked at her... I was like I invited him to this weekend before you guys even started dating. And she said that doesn't matter. She said that if I'm so aware how can I not know what I do is making her upset. And I'm still shaking my head because no I don't know what I do is going to make anyone upset. I guess I've been such a people pleaser for most of my life that I'm going the complete opposite swing and don't give a shit? And I do have an understanding that its our own psychology that reacts or responds to people's actions. And I'd always think about the appropriate way to do things to not offend anybody... but yea lately I don't really care if people get offended. And I guess I didn't really think about the skinny dipping being of any big deal. I literally was super hot... it was a full moon and I thought why not... and I was going to ask them how the canoe trip was even though they decided it wasn't bright enough to go down the river. I've known these two people for over 30 years. One really well and one not so well... but extremely comfortable being myself. When I arrived they were at the fire hanging out and a bit dosing off they said. I apologized but I just wanted to cool off and I wasn't sure if they were going to be back or not. But having access to the river seemed like a good idea tonight. Again I chatted for a few before. I got in and cooled off and got out... and chatted for a few before I left. I didn't realize this was going to upset her. And I don't see any of this as a sexual act or a flirting act. I didn't invite them to join me. We are all visitors of his buddy's place so I wasn't sure who all was going to be by the fire. But there is no way I knew this was what she was going to say she's upset with me because of this... I'd assume it's something that happened during the weekend. We've spoken in between times and nothing was brought up. And nothing seemed to be wrong. I mean we went caving the day before and things were alright... I guess I did notice that she was being touchy with him... and I was trying to keep some distance but not obviously so. This was the first time for her to go caving in a non-commercial cave in 30 years... so I was super excited to see if she'd enjoy herself. And it took a little bit but it did seem like she was having fun. He kept going on little areas that seemed to go a little ways from the main cave and was exploring things. Mostly he did it on his own and I joined him once and she joined him once. I hesitated because I wanted to join them... I've been recording video the entire time and wanted to get that footage, but then I also thought they can have a few moments alone in this cave. And I guess it was a conversation we had at the truck when I was reminding him of the caving trip that is coming up in October. And I was asking him he should definitely join us. And since I didn't ask her first? He literally was buying caving gear after the first time we went together... and so I'm just inviting him to the opportunities I know of and going to go to. He's invited me to go cleaning up a cave later this month too... so yeah we're buddies and we invite each other to events that we would think is interesting for one another.

I think what I'm really bothered by is that I gave him the green light instead of proceed with caution... give him the yellow light... ha... I've known her for long that I do love her and I know there are things that irk me once in awhile but doesn't mean that I don't care about her. I had a weird situation that happened the last time I hung out with her before this summer. She was spending the night with me and we shared the same bed and I ended up having a nightmare about her. And it was very unsettling and so I kept some distance from her for a time. And again I was hearing stuff she was saying with our other friend about classmates and their opinions about people in general... and I kept ignoring the red flags... and then the fair was really eye-opening... and still I continued. I want to apologize to him but I feel like she benefits his life. And that's the thing.. If she gives him value then I'm happy to have led them together... but I don't think she thinks the same way. Again she seems territorial and she doesn't care if we give value to each others lives... if he's a male and I'm a female... then we can't be friends without including her. And literally 90% of the time she's included as well... I think there are two caving events that she wasn't included in... because she wasn't interested in caving and we finally convinced her to join us this weekend for the first time. Anyway I thought purging out about her on here would help but its just exhausting still. This happened Sunday morning... and I could see myself hermitting away afterwards. I brought stuff to work on the van and so I just went into the garage and did my own thing. There was six of us... the older couple didn't know anything was wrong and the other buddy knew but wasn't helping because he was like... he is so cool... I don't think they make a good match... and I didn't want to make her out to be a bad person.... I told her she's a good person too and she's cool... she's upset with me and that's fine... we've known each other for so long I"m ok with us being upset with each other right now. And that's where I'm at with it... and pretty much where I'm at with everything right now... hehe... I'll just let the Universe allow our paths to cross again or not... I'm just not going to continue to use up my energy worried about keeping people around.

My iPad isn't working properly right now as well... and I'm like... is this a blessing? Should I just cut myself off a little more from everyone? I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I did login to my dad's computer and he's on here most of the time, but I can check a few times... and maybe that's just how it's going to go. I've looked up prices on used iPads that are around prices I'd be willing to pay but I think I"m going to wait it out for now and see how it feels. Usually I'm only available until I'm in WiFi areas... and I find that I"m in WiFi alot especially living with my dad... I"m always connected and only briefly am I off it. But what if I need to readjust this at this time? Maybe I don't have to be as reliant on internet access? I won't have a camera or video so I won't be sharing my stories visually at this time. I won't be able to draw and sketch up ideas I have in my mind. But maybe this is the time to do this? I can go back to paper to sketch... and maybe I'm not supposed to be sharing as much. I've been back at my pops for 24 hours and I do seem to be getting stuff done more easily without so much access to the internet. I have been breaking down the sectional sofa so I can either use the pieces or getting to where I can place then in the dump. I'm going to use this space as a work room for the van build as well. I went a bit crazy at the Goodwill outlets... I got a lot of supplies to do up the interior. I was hoping to do the cardboard furniture, but my first attempt wasn't that successful... hehe... I didn't realize I needed weights to place on the cardboard pieces to hold them flat against each other while it dried. So I was going to stay at the hostel longer but saw that I didn't have the right equipment... and with so many things here at my dads... I feel like I can do this much easier here. There have been some wooden pieces that I am using for the loft. As I'm repurposing these pieces then there is a lot of disassembling and removing of fabric and staples and bolts. So there is a lot to just get one piece of wood. I found an old jig saw and thought it would be sufficient to cut what I have but the blade seems to be bent so it's not exactly what I was hoping for, but I can still work with it. Anyway... I feel like I'm on the verge of freedom... and I'm wondering if this freedom actually includes me not being on the grid? What if I don't have a phone or iPad? What if I cannot just log on and check in with people? What if I cannot record videos... what if it's just me, Elvis and the van and wherever and whoever we meet along the way? Is this the freedom I'm drawn to at this time? I think it would definitely be interesting. I'm not sure how easy it would be to contact hosts on Couchsurfer or WorkAway... I heard of WorkX I think it's called too... I can always look for libraries... but yea I wouldn't have easy access to maps... I definitely would need to use more resourceful qualities that I can develop more. There's still quite a bit of time before I head out and a lot can happen between now and then... but it is interesting to think that this might be my new direction.

I guess sexual thoughts are in my head lately and maybe its not as healthy as it could be. I did wonder what would happen this weekend with my buddy who was going to be sharing the same bed with me. The first night was fine and we did do a little spooning but a little cuddling not much... the second night I told him he's a rascal... hehe... he was drinking this night and when we went to bed he wanted to mess around and wanted to have intercourse with me. And I told him I'm not going to have intercourse with him... I might entertain the idea of messing around but do not expect to have penetration... hehe...and he's like but that's exactly what I want and I think you need...and I said I don't need it and I don't want it... but playing around might be fun... but I'm not going to play around when we don't agree to everything. And I was happy to see how communicative I was with him. And as for him being a rascal he was trying to be handsy in the bed and I created like a wall barrier with my head and arms and legs so he couldn't reach my torso... hehe... and he wasn't being aggressive, but he got the point. And the last night we just slept in our own space. So all-in-all we did good... He did get me to smoke two nights. The first one I waited until we were outside of the room in case I was going to pass out... but I took it well and I found that I wanted to go to the lagoon area and watch the stars as I laid on the dock. It was absolutely beautiful and felt very connected to nature and was thanking everything for being there for me to experience....and I was thinking maybe I need to spend 85% of my time outdoors now adays.. maybe that's why I"m also working on the porch instead of inside the home right now? We were staying in a room that had walls and they have some that are screens and feels like we are right there... and so I did spend one extra night without anyone inside a nest with screens because I wanted to submerge myself in the sounds of nature! it really is music to my ears with the buzzing and chirping and droaning... it's really doing something positive for me. The first night went so well that I asked the second night if we could smoke and he joined me on the dock. And we do have some fun conversations... he thinks I"m funny when I'm not trying to be funny. He reminds me of the guys I grew up with...my brothers... I guess I do miss the banter and comfortability and just the randomness of having buddies like family around. There are times where I feel like I can be my goofy self and it's really nice and not having to be walking on egg shells of sensitive people... I hope to continue to attract more of this in my life. Alright... i feel like I"m wrapping up now. I've got some more daylight left to do things outside... so I'm going to head back out. Until next time... enjoy ourselves!

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Chaos to Clarity... Exposing Myself

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