Chaos to Clarity... Exposing Myself

[withinUverse]

I’m glad I went to play disc golf… I really do enjoy you woods in my hometown.. but I forgot there was a tournament playing on Saturday mornings… but I pulled and parked and went to the shelter house because it looked like one of the main guys who takes care of the land was there.  And I wanted to say hello and see what’s going on with the event… some were finished with their round of 27 holes… but some were still playing so I wanted to wait until it was finished before I threw.  But it was fun to see familiar faces from last time I started disc golf… there are some that I somewhat watch on FB when their posts come on up and i’m scanning through… but one guy likes to hike and adventure around and he was there and it was nice to see him… in a week he’s going to Red River Gorge and I told him that this location has been on my mind as a place I’d like to go visit while I’m here this year.  There’s a few posts from different people and yeah it looks like a great spot… this particular guy kind of goes off trail and finds hidden waterfalls and areas that the public doesn’t go.. so the pictures he gets aren’t the normal picture… he’s a great photographer as well.  But yes I’m glad I went because it’s fun to do something a bit different to switch up activities to use the mind and body in a variety of ways… i actually really like it when I throw the disc and I have to go find it… for some reason I feel like this is a good skill to continue to build even though I’d like to build the skill to throw better and stay in the clearing… hehe both applies.  I sat around chatting for the most part and I went ahead and threw a round of 14 holes before I went back to the house to do some cleaning.  For some reason it seems like I’m always looking at my belongings and ask if I really need this at this time… and so I put a few piles separated from one another… I was putting things that I know I’m using currently… but I started a pile that I put in a drawer of belongings that I’ll be donating to the hostel mostly sewing supplies and a second pile of things I don’t know if I need anymore and most likely donate.  I was thinking about going back to Indy to visit friends but I wasn’t really sure when that would be.  But I reached out to my last housemate to see if he was available to hang out… he’s married now and I’d like to meet them and he’s just a funny and great guy and want to catch up while I’m around… we actually met because we were both on a coed softball team called the Fireballers… we were all in the mix of having a great time playing and not so much on the competitive side… many of our players hadn’t even played the game before… hehe… and yes back then we were drinking fairly heavy during and after the games.  But he’s like… do you think its time for a Fireball reunion?  And I said I’m definitely down… I’d absolutely love to share time with everyone… I’ve been watching many of these people as well on FB and there were two members that actually got married and have a daughter now… there will be much change from when was that?  Eight years ago?  It’s challenging for me to even remember that person I was then… hehe… but yes I’d love to have a reunion with them and he said he’s going to work on it.  I was also thinking about the girl group that I use to hangout with a lot while I was living in Indy and I also watch them and I”d love to have a little girls reunion too… maybe a Friendsgiving maybe?  But it’s just around the corner and I’m not sure if it’s too late of notice but I’ll see what happens.  This also brings up the fact that I went to go to another childhood friend’s house last night since we hadn’t seen each other since I returned… but when I was leaving we were talking about the new year being right around the corner and can’t believe it’s going to be 2025… all of a sudden it hit me… oh wait… I was going to host a 25 year reunion… and wow… that would be next year… I’m the class president and I’ve only hosted one reunion in 2015… but I thought the next time would be 25.. so I guess that’s the year coming up… hehe… and I’m going to be around… so cool… I’ll be planning on figuring out where we’ll go and what we’ll do… last time I put out two ideas for people to vote on… one was going to a woodsy area that is setup for large gatherings and I thought maybe we’d cook together.. have opportunities to have social area and have classes to meet their children with art and dance.. but allow moments for private conversations and doing some type of lantern ceremony at night… this was my vote… hehe… but we chose to go to a local Elks club, hired a band, and people wanted to eat the prepared food there and mostly drink.  I don’t think I’m going to put a choice up this year… hehe… or I’m going to not have a drinking at the bar as an option… not that I won’t allow drinking to be involved I just don’t want that to be the main focus.  I literally just remembered this year is upon us… so I’ll need to see what kind of ideas come up… it’ll be fun to see anyone who shows up… many people on FB are from my hometown and especially from my graduating class.. so it’ll be fun to see everyone.  

I also enjoyed spending time with my girl friend… we went to a brewery which had a very large backyard that had several fire pits and was able to find one where we had it on our own… not at first but the group ended up leaving… and we enjoyed our privacy.  A very family oriented brewery with kids running around but they didn’t seem like they were that out of control.. mostly throwing football or tag… so I didn’t mind the atmosphere… but I definitely didn’t want to be inside because yes it was crowded and watching the Indiana State football game… I wanted to be intentional in our conversations and sitting by the fire seems far mor desirable and it was wonderful.  Of course we were catching up… I hadn’t been around for a year and we might have caught up four times online during this time… but we got to get more details of what’s going on… I was impressed how I was able to get through the year in a concise manner especially for me… hehe.. but she was able to do as well… What I was wanting to get to and what she was most interested in is this whole move towards wanting to share a romantic relationship with the intentional community host.  She really gets surprised when I tell her how long I haven’t had sexual relationships or any other touch in a sensual manner…. Right she’s known me from childhood and just like myself just can’t imagine I’ve gone this long… this is reminding me of my video chat with my buddy who I stay with in Colorado who retires in Cabo for the winter.. I told him that I want to date this winter and he about passed out and mentioned how that sounds so weird coming out of my mouth… so he’s only known me when I intentionally been working on Spiritual Enlightenment.. so he’s seen me remove distractions… discipline of making changes… and even through the point of me relaxing… anyway…he’s seen me change through this process but was excited for me that I’m making these moves.. I told him to wish me luck and he said he will but I won’t need it… it’s only going to be newish for a short time and I’ll fall right into with flying colors.  And that’s what my girl friend was encouraging me as well.. and I have that same understanding too.  But I was liking to talk about the process and she was able to give her feedback… she was able to talk about her personal experience with her long-term relationships which has been a similar story I’ve been hearing but it’s obvious she’s been noticing her negative thoughts and moving intentionally to redirect her self talk.  And she looks happier and she is more concerned about her self care which is always a good sign.  I didn’t get her permission to discuss her details so I won’t go into it… but what I will go into was our conversation about me meeting people from the kink community.  I did get their permission to discuss… so I’ll continue there

I’ve met different people in this scene and I enjoy how open they’ve been in sharing their opinions with me.  I’m only been on the fringe of this scene but it has been something I’ve been curious about.  I mean I see everything as an opportunity to gain spiritual growth and understanding and sex is not separate from this… I want to learn more and excited when I get opportunities to step in this direction even if it’s just talking about it.  I know the way I’m going to gain experience is waiting to share itself to me when I’m ready and when the people align with sharing this with me.   I dated a guy for a few months who taught me about polyamory and kink… he was from my graduating class and there were three of us from our hometown would get together and hangout and it started to continue from there.  I was getting out of my 13 year relationship and was looking to see what I didn’t know about myself in romantic relationships and the concepts of polyamorous really resonated with me.  I mean I didn’t know if the multiple partners was my thing.. but all the other principles of transparency, integrity, communication, and consent was something all people should be practicing with people in general but especially romantically.  He implied to me that this scene doesn’t really put a focus on sexual penetration of genitalia.  He was drawn to the scene where they wanted to see how many ways we could get sexual arousal and satisfaction without actually having genitalia penetration.  I found that interesting but I could see how that applies for him… and when we were dating we didn’t really do a lot of sexual sharings… I did ask him to tie me up because that was something he seemed to really enjoy.. he had a trunk of treasures which involved ropes.  I remember how exciting it was for me to have him do this to me… he was very good at making me feel comfortable but I didn’t really have any reservations at the time and I trusted him… and he went slowly and did a very basic tie… I didn’t have any unusual body positions just the basics around my torso and my hands… but yes his approach of slowly wrapping it around me and circling my body and watching my reactions the entire time.. it was fun and I remember it and I enjoyed it.  Well… I met more ropers… I don’t know the terms and I already know that I’m not going to be using the accurate terminology but hey thats again just how I go… but I wanted to hear what kink means to them and how they approach it as a couple and they were very open to sharing.  They’ve been together for three and half years now and the first time they met was at a kink party… when it comes to their basic physical structure she’s short and curvy  while he’s tall and solid… so she said he stood out in the crowd.  They spoke a little during that first event of meeting but it wasn’t until later that they started to want to build something deeper.  She found that she’s a “Demi-sexual”. I asked what that was and she said that it takes her a long time to be sexually attractive to someone because an emotional connection has to be developed before she becomes attractive.  So I’m assuming that she doesn’t find people just physically attractive.. however she said that their are two types of men she seems to be attracted to are one that their androgynous where they aren’t clearly masculine of feminine but a beautiful mixture of that.. or two a man that’s literally going to break me in half…with a chuckle.. and she said when they first met she wasn’t really sure if they were going to make it because her partner was very active with several partners and she told him that if he wanted to engage with her in a sexual manner that he would have to pretty much stop playing with other partners until they gained a foundation of trust.  And at first he continued to play because he enjoyed it, but he came back to her and said that he’s definitely willing to do this to get to know her more and so they started to be exclusive with one another… and again it took months of getting to know one another before they engaged in sexual exploration with one another.  She said she was a jealous type at the beginning so this foundation really set up trust and it took her awhile to open up to sharing which is something he’s interested in but they took the slow steps to introduce a third party into the mix…and what she was surprised by is the fact that it’s pleasurable to watch her partner with another partner.  She said that technically she doesn’t really especially wants to always have sexual genitalia penetration and I’m not sure how far they go with a threesome but she does admit that she likes to watch him.  But she said that thus far they’ve only had two females and one male and she’d be curious to see how it would be with two males and one female.  She also admitted that not all the time she enjoys the threesomes because she’s not mutually attracted to the female… but again this was wonderful to hear.  They were saying that the kink scene is extremely diverse so you’ll have some parties where sexual genitalia penetration is accepted and expected while other parties absolutely won’t allow that as part of the party.  They were mentioning all kind of terms… they educate the public about boundaries, communication, consent, and signs of predator behavior which unfortunately exists in this scene.  As much we’d like to hope everyone has elevated their consciousness to respect and honor all the guests with best intentions… that isn’t the case at this time.  He said that the most common fetish that seems to be around is “impact” which again i wanted him to explain… he said like spanking and pressure and I’m sure he gave more examples but this was a language that’s not familiar so I can only remember a snippet of information given because I don’t have any experience in the context… but he himself is interested in rope as well.  I asked him how this developed… and he said it was actually through his exe’s ex-boyfriend.  He himself was very conservative for most of his life and when he was with his exe they were fairly… hehe… cannot remember the term they used… but it was “bland” or you know what I mean unflavorable? I don’t remember but they did start to introduce some toys eventually.  So they had a box of play toys they had used together and when they separated his exe kept the box.  But he eventually got introduced to a Japanese sexual rope play… it starts with an S… let me look this up real quick… ok called Shibari.. and he ended up messaging his exe to see if she was using any of those toys and if not can he use the rope… and she commented that yes she doesn’t use any of the toys… her current boyfriend has his own ropes… and this stood out to him.. he has his own rope…and eventually he got the chance to ask him about it… and the boyfriend was open to share this with him and it’s built from their.  He really like to take photography of the rope bondage and Shibari especially and shared some of his work with me which I saw the beauty and artistry that took place in the bondage and photography… and so it was interesting to have this introduced for me to think about.  He also admitted they like the dominant/submissive thing as well… I’m sure there’s a term that I don’t remember… but he said that many engage with this but there’s a few variations with this kink… first of all some may play this role only when at parties… while some may do this all the times in their life… there are people who have a set dominant and a set submissive while others choose to change the roles throughout the play… they didn’t specifically say what their role was but just by observing them… I saw the female seemed to be the submissive I saw he would ask her to do things for him and she was not hesitant to do them for him… but again this isn’t necessarily saying this to be true.. I just didn’t dig any deeper into this with them.  They were saying that the kink doesn’t necessarily tie to polyamory either… there are many couples who only play with each other.. but they happen to like voyeurism

 

 

Holy cow!  My iPad died on me and I lost so much content that I was writing… and I thought i plugged it in but it wasn’t charging… and at these moments I feel like what I was sharing wasn’t all necessarily meant to be shared… it goes through my process of purging to gain insights.. and I felt a moment where I was tightening up again and hitting that cord… and it was beautiful… I still want to continue to write but I’m going to just put some key insights in instead of the process for me to get there… so I’ll try to continue where I left off… it didn’t erase everything… but yeah while I was waiting for enough juice to power it up I was like… what is going to be left of my session?  And I was hoping everything would still be there.. but it wasn’t… but I’m ok with that and I’ll see how I’m going to proceed and what I”m drawn to recall… so interesting of what should be shared or not… ok where did the entry leave off?  

Voyeurism… now this has an implication that it’s secretive and without consent but that does not apply for a kink party it’s open and fully consensual but the act of enjoying being watched and watching sexual activities.  I am interested in both of these areas… when it comes to this though I feel like it’s not only for gratification but for educational purposes too.  

Where am i right now and what do I see could be steps to move forward with my lessons at this time?  I am ready to go all in and be as completely vulnerable and trusting that I’m attracting a deep partnership where not only are we going to express fully our attraction but also our desire to share in each other’s passions.  I realize that I’m afraid that my intensity and passion is too much and I’ve played myself down so I can be accepted and received but that’s no longer my approach because I don’t want to play games and waste anyone’s time… if my authenticity is something that can be received at this time.. then I don’t need to wait to be received… I’ll continue to do the work to attract this bond of depthless that I’ve been truly wanting to experience and I’m now ready to experience.  I’ve had to do a lot of work to be able to unconditionally love myself and this romantic depthless is not something I want to keep from myself any longer.  My body and mind are on the same page of fully giving this a chance… a balance of logic and emotion… a balance of directness and softness… I’m excited to see where Reality will lead me as I walk this path intentionally.  I’m very hopeful but will be also listening to any flags that might arise in this process.  I originally thought that I might have a rule of no penis penetration into my vagina or my anus to start with… but I don’t want to have anything stopping us from how we express and learn together..  I thought possibly my creativity and motivation would be stunted if I share my powerful sexual energy and I’ve had to clear energies of past partners.. but honestly there’s nothing to be afraid of… I embody these qualities and it’s not dependent on my sexual energy.  In fact I feel like if I’m able to express my sexual energy deeply with my partner… is only going to lead to more strength and more grace… and be a better teacher and guide.  Not that I want to immediately step into the penetration right away… I want to start with communication.  I mean honestly have conversations where we want to not assume we understand by our own definitions of words but willing to have conversations more than a sentence long to want to understand what our partner is trying to express at the time.  I don’t take words for granted and I will continue to ask for clarification and I’m hoping he will find this endearing that I really want to understand him… we have different programming and nuanced differences in each word… so the desire to understand and communicate is where I’d like to begin.  And when it comes to sexual interactions… I’m wanting to learn to not have an expectation of destination… I want to just immerse myself fully into whatever transpires.  I was sharing an intimate moment of touching one another’s hands… I mean I could see how powerful it was to have this brief encounter but I wasn’t in the setting that would have allowed me to explore and express… but I found pleasure to do this with him.. and I’d like to share more of these moments in privacy until however long it is for me to be able to display it differently.  I was saying I already know he’s polyamorous and this is something I do not want to take away from him… but I’m hoping he might be open to giving me a few months of time to see if there’s chemistry between us before he adds a new partner.. and if we can build this then I would understand if the new partner would need this as well.. I don’t know what he needs but i want to know.  And right now I’m sure he just need space and time to process his separation.  And I want to give him this.  I want to learn how to support him in the way he wants but also in the ways I can.  I’m very grateful I’m moving forward with more intention and direction of what I want to add into the mix of my fucking amazing life that I’m so grateful to be experiencing.  Regardless of the results… we will be able to learn so much from one another and grow ourselves which is a value we both share.  

Man it feel like I’m just not in the flow like I was earlier before the iPad died… there are things I was going to write and I’m not sure i”m in the zone any longer.  I guess I’ll just try to briefly put in a few things and see if it starts to ignite inspiration to continue.  Yesterday when I was cleaning i came across some of my tarot cards and I thought why not see what messages I get… I chose two decks which I don’t necessarily have to pull out the book to read the messages.. I’ll just go with the little that’s written on the front.  So I started with the Angels and Crystal oracle cards… and two cards flew out… the first was  Rodocrisita : Be kind to yourself.  You’ve been through a lot and you need time to heal and recover.  The second was Tanzanite: You are ready to love again. Your heart has healed from the wounds of the past and is open to love again.  I grabbed the Love Angels oracle deck and got more cards (1) Chemistry: Feel a strong magnetic attraction.  (2) Open your mind:  Your soulmate may be different from the type of person you expect to meet.  (3) Honeymoon: Appreciate the charm of a couple's holiday.  (4) Give your relationship a chance: Make time for your partner.  (5) Flirtation: Give your carefree energy to others!  I asked if there is anymore clarification that can be given at this time and three more cards fell (6) Forgive and Let go:  By releasing the past, you live much more love in the present moment.  (7) Separation: A period away from your partner is announced.  (8) He deserves love:  He is worthy of being loved!

I can feel like my attention is straying and so I’ll just mention this morning I was thinking about ways I would approach the Chicken game differently and remembered the book I want to write about exploring sexuality.. I’ll just put it down to maybe pickup at another time.  Until next time… enjoy!

[withinUverse]

Good morning… I woke up thinking about dancing… so I think I’ll begin here.  So… I was thinking if I am going all on in with a romantic partnership… I’d like to share my passion of dance.  I love to dance and I used to instruct but there are some dances that I don’t know as much as others… and they’re really calling to me and more improvisation.  So I’d like to see if we have a conversation of what we’re wanting out of our relationship I have many ideas to talk about but for now in the Journal I will say I want to introduce dancing as part of a way to increase our partnering, sensuality, and fun.  I have two dances in mind that I’m hoping he might find as something he would like to learn and share with me…. Argentine Tango and West Coast Swing.  I have a dancing buddy who owns a studio close to the location I am now, but I feel like we’ll be closer to where my romantic interest lives which is three hours away.  From his location it’s almost four hour drive to my buddy’s studio.  So I messaged my buddy to see if he has any recommendations of top notch instructors in the Louisville area… it’ll only be an hour away.  I just sent the message and haven’t heard back but my buddy dances competitions and travels a lot to areas so I’m hoping his network would include some great dancers in this specific area.  He hosts traveling instructors at his studio and I enjoy watching his posts.  He specifically hosts West Coast events… so I asked him about this, but I’ll add the A. tango when we chat.  So I looked up Tango studios and it looks like there’s a few options in that city… but I also ran into a video of a couple from Buenos Aires who is offering a dance event in Argentina for 13 days… it’s from April through May but this wouldn’t be a good time for us since his hostel would be opening up at this time.  But that has definitely been at the top of my list of locations to go.  I want to dance the tango everywhere in Buenos Aires… I think I’ve mentioned this before but I fantasize everyone dancing in the restaurants and the streets all over the city… I’d love to go and do this.  I used to drink Malbec and I mention that if I ever get to Argentina… I feel like I’d be much more open to drinking alcohol just to have Malbec from where it originates.  I don’t know if I’d be interested in drinking when I get there… but I could entertain the idea of possibly.  But I’d love to dance where I travel.  Anyway… I would love to introduce him to the magic that dance can bring into our lives.  I figured we’d start off with taking beginner classes together.  I might have a lot of dance experience and instruction experience, but I don’t necessarily want to start our dance relationship in a teacher/ student dynamic.  I’d much rather be a student/student dynamic and possibly why I’m interested in learning dances I don’t know as much.  I’d like it to be like date nights.  As a teacher I kind of know how it goes when one of the partners are in the teacher mode and yes… I want to set us up for success and enjoyment.  To be honest I don’t know if he knows how to dance already… I could see it… he’s very musically inclined and most musicians that I’ve met have a tendency to be able to pick up dancing easier… and he looks like he’s athletic as well… so I think he might pick up fairly quickly but I don’t know if he’d have the desire to learn with me or not.  But it is something I’m going to suggest.  West Coast is danced to a variety of music… it’s a smooth improvisation and moments of playfulness throughout.  Sometimes it can get sensual but not always.  I guess I do want to mention that I did see blues swing dance as well which I’ve dropped into classes a few times and I enjoy.  But I remember when I was talking to him about his singing… he said his voice is fitting for blues and jazz which he really doesn’t listen to and wished he could mature his singing to fit other genres.  I know I enjoy listening to his music and of course I don’t know any of the artists or the songs… which is quite normal for me… hehe… but I’m so glad I don’t know them because he’s going to be introducing me to a whole new range of music which excites me.  Also… if this is improvisation dancing… it’s good to have the lead have a better understanding of the musicality while I can just follow his lead.  Ideally both would know but that’s not necessary… my body will hear the music and do it’s thing anyway.. hehe… but I want to focus on my partnership development.  I feel like I might be a little slower getting into the down and dirty intimacy… who knows.. but if so… I definitely would like to demonstrate my energy while I’m dancing…because… I know its attractive and can be quite powerful for my partners… I just get so damn excited… and when I let loose it’s so fucking fun!  That’s what I want to show him which I might not be able to demonstrate outside of this setting.  I’m going to work my way here… but it does seem like I’m a bit stiff right now…hehe… And it’s just because I haven’t had people to really play with… no I’m not going to blame anyone else… I just have been focused on my spiritual work and sometimes I’m bit more on the strict side with myself.  since my transition I’ve gone off the deep end of strictness and was like fuck… it’s time to relax and enjoy now… and I do to some extent but I can do this more and it’s become more obvious how stiff I am compared to him especially.  Argentine Tango is a very passionate and sensual dance… I absolutely adore this dance and want to have more opportunities to learn.  We taught this style of dance but yes it felt like it had too much structure to this free flowing dance… I mean structure is necessary when beginning to gain confidence and learn how to communicate with partner.. but with this dance it’s for lovers to explore this style of nonverbal communications… how to speak with our bodies and I’m so excited to hear what he has to say… and I’ve got some things to tell him too… hehe… yes I’d love to see if he’s interested.  Of course I find that this would be great for us to do together and build a bond through… however I am looking down the road for him too.  I’d love for him to have more tools in his belt to enjoy himself whenever and wherever he is.  He travels to different cities and countries… so possibly if I introduce him to something he didn’t realize he would enjoy… He can find dancing while he moves with the flow of life.  The dance community usually isn’t a stingy group… we love to dance with our romantic partner yes, but we also love to dance with everyone!  And I have a feeling he’d absolutely love this as well.  

So I want to be very intentional with him.  I’m not wanting to make any excuses or have fear to stop me from expressing what I’m looking for in a committed partnership… if we choose that we want to move in this direction then I’m not going to hold back.. this is something I want to share with him.  And I’m definitely interested and open to activities he wants to introduce to me as well.  He enjoys caving and I was introduced to this through his hostel and i loved it and could definitely see myself doing it more.  I was hoping to have trips with him but I found myself in other groups and we’ll have plenty of time to find opportunities to share trips together.  I’m hoping he’s a taking his time caver…hehe… we’ll see when it happens.  But he seems so fascinating… and who knows what he has up his sleeve… I’d love to hear what he thinks is something that can build a bond together… maybe there’s a secret desire to learn something with a romantic partner that he hasn’t tried yet… for some reason I feel like he probably hasn’t hesitated to try things out romantically but who knows until we have a conversation.  We might have a brief time to say hello this Thursday and maybe Tuesday… he’ll be traveling and so this won’t be the time to talk to him… but I’m still trying to give him space from his separation.  I’ve been trying to flirt but in a very subtle and minimal manner right now.  Again I have that shit going on that I’m going to be too much or too intense… but I have a volume button and right now it’s on low… and intuitively this is the right move right now. Honestly I need this time as well for myself… I have been clearing out romantic energy of past energies myself.  I’ve been doing this for awhile now.. and have been successful except I can feel a bit of lingering going on with the Aussie man.  I feel like he too will have some remaining from this nest mate.  I think if we’re honest about this… it will help us not feel bad if there’s a lingering that exists, but I hope our chemistry can spark us to inspire us to have a desire to get to know one another where we can clear those past energies in a short period of time.  I do need to know what he’s looking for in a relationship.  If he’s wanting to not have anything serious or just wants a fling… then I don’t think we’ll be able to move into a romantic connection.  I want to attract someone who is on a similar page.  I’m not looking for a fling and I’m hoping if I go into this fully then we’ll be building a relationship for our lives.  People might think this is pretty extreme but it’s where I am.  I’m not saying I want to get married right now.. but I’m saying… I’m looking to build a bond for life and as life flows we’ll work and dance with it together.  Again… I’d love it to be romantic, but I feel like we’ll be amazing friends and business partners… so our relationship for life doesn’t have to be specific in one area compared to another… but flexible to change while we grow… and not having to plan everything out from the start but be as open and authentic to see where our relationship leads.  So yeah I’m looking forward to talking with him, but I’m patient to see when we’ll actually get a chance to engage fully and privately… hehe… until then I know I have more own energy to clear to set up a better start to our journey together.  

So… I finished the drafts for the communities from the intention convention event last weekend.  I’ve been wanting to get into this and finally I’ve gotten there.  I don’t think I’ve said much about the convention except for the moment of bliss drumming around the fire.  So how to begin?  Ok… so there were eight definitive communities represented.  We had guests who are involved with other communities but weren’t really representing the same information as the eight communities.. most of them were founders, shareholders, and board members… they have a bit more skin into the community i guess.  My romantic interest asked me if I’d like to be the meetings note taker… I thought about it and said that yes… I can give that a try… I’m curious to hear what everyone has to say and what everyone wants to talk about…. I know I have my ideas of where it can lead… but if I’m a note taker then I won’t talk much and mostly just listen.  I hadn’t really had much experience in this except for the owner at the temple who would have me type out her words for different communications she had.  So I guess I started to have a little bit of experience.  But anyway… I keep saying how intuitive he is… he might not realize this but for some reason his suggestions for me seems to benefit me highly and I’m so appreciative of this.  Hehe… it was intense trying to keep up with the conversations.  He got two of us to be note takers and we both were focused at trying to get as many words down that we could.  We now realize for next time that having a mic and amp would be very beneficial.  Sometimes it was hard to hear people, plus we want to sync a transcribing program for ease.  However, this was very beneficial for me to take these notes.  I was using my iPad along with my portable keyboard… so I’m sitting there clacking away on the keys trying to keep up… We had long meeting sessions… so both sessions my iPad died on me… hehe… we were in the middle of the woods in a Greek theater setting… it’s beautiful actually but I didn’t have any extra battery bank with me… I mean I do but I don’t have the cord to charge my iPad… hehe… any way once my iPad dies I’d move to hand written notes… the first session I didn’t realize how many words would be spoken and I only got a fraction.  But I only brought three pieces of paper thinking I’ll just type everything out.  Well.. I filled those pages and couldn’t get all of it down but there wasn’t much before we broke for lunch.  The same thing happened during the second session except I had enough paper with me to continue recording until the end of the session.  The problem that I had was I was using loose paper… it wasn’t in a notebook and I didn’t number the pages either… so when I was putting the information on the paper onto the iPad… it wasn’t in order… hehe… but it didn’t actually stop me from how I approached the information I wanted to deliver.  So… i guess I didn’t really understand what was expected from me and the other note taker… I think she was a bit more familiar in doing this… she was talking about taking minutes and is very detailed oriented on formal procedures… hehe… ummm… ok… yeah that isn’t really what I was thinking of doing.  But we were supposed to work together.. and I wasn’t sure how other than posting my information that I had typed out… it wasn’t in order all the way but she created a shared document and she was hand writing the entire time so it was going to take her time to enter her data in.  She’s a full time student and is trying to launch her first issue for a magazine she’s trying to publish.  So yes formality and grammar and editing skills is right up her alley… and it’s funny that she gets partnered with me who is not good with any of these areas… lol… but she was very stressed out about the note and the time of submission.  I admit that I had that feeling at first as well… I don’t know if any of you read a few submissions back when I got back.. but after that session I was able to relax because I was the only one pressuring myself to get things out for the community members… hehe… and so I was trying my best to let her know that she doesn’t need to be frantic that nobody is breathing down our necks except us doing it to ourselves.  She said she’s been busy in many ways in her life and I said to not worry… do your things… I get the vibe from the people involved are just appreciative of how we were wanting to help… and they’ll be happy with whatever we share with them.  We had another girl who did end up creating an audio recording… so she’s going to continue her formal submission which is going to take her a few weeks to finish up with her schedule and just the tedious nature of this style of record keeping.  I’m not sure how our relationship is going really… she is hostel fam… so she’s involved with the hostel and is close to the founder.  She is in fact the other lady he sandwiched himself between and the whole opportunity for me to touch his hand… hehe.. i was the timid side he was dealing with while she was the comfortable side and the whole massaging of the head and everything.. so yes no issues of demonstrating affection… hehe.  But I met her for the first time at the caving event.  She was one of the guides and so she’s an avid caver as well.. and I like she’s a bit more on the professional side of things.. so yeah I recognize a bit of stiffness like I see in myself.. but I’m thinking it’s more on the distrusting some… I guess I feel like specifically she doesn’t know if she can trust me.  I could definitely be projecting but I did feel this so I was keeping space and allow reality to have us engage whenever that time happens to be.  I might have a bit of projection going on but not fully… to me I can explain it in the way she started her note taking.. hehe… she had everyone’s name listed and she had these elaborate and flowering words to describe everyone present.  Even to the ones who were wanting to get more information about intentional communities and weren’t directly involved in sustaining a community…anyways when I got down to my name the only words she had for me is “note taker”… lol… so yeah she wasn’t really interested in anything I was sharing during the event.  But granted I didn’t know she was on her way of publishing a magazine either… but I feel like I overheard a little conversation in regards to this but it seems like she wasn’t sure if she should let the group know what she wants to do… or maybe waiting for the appropriate time to let us know… I’m not sure but I didn’t think too much about it because if I’m to know I’ll get that chance to let it unfold in the appropriate timing for myself.  So really… I feel like there’s a weird girl jealousy thing going on between us I think… I’m not use to dealing with this much anymore… not that I haven’t danced this dance before… but yeah… I think that’s why she has a distrust in me… of course I don’t know but this is my Journal so this is a great space to purge my thoughts regardless of how accurate it is… I want to get her out of my thoughts.. hehe… not that I don’t want her out of my thoughts completely because I told her that I have more information beyond the words spoken at the meeting because I have ideas I want to present with possibly brainstorming for solutions to network everyone for the coming year.  She was trying to understand what I was doing with my notes… oh yeah… I didn’t even get to what I was doing with my notes… hehe.. tangents.  So yes she was going to focus on the formal side… and I wanted to focus on how does this information help us understand what was said…. So in my opinion the first thing to do to help with clarity is to separate the communities and have a general summary of what the community shared with us.  So I’d start with one community and I’d copy and paste all the members words of that community together so I can use their words to summarize their information.  So this is what I was saying I didn’t need to have everything organized in order to do this.  In fact many speak like me where answers weren’t given during a specific questions but was spread throughout the entire time of their speaking.  Similar to myself I might have heard the questions but it wasn’t until later did I realize my answer so yeah… I found reading through their words a bit more scrambled around… helped me actually get their summary out by deciphering my crazy notes… hehe… a few times I’m like what the hell did I type and what’s being said… I didn’t run into many situations like that but it was fun.  So yes if we have a summary we don’t have to read down through the entire conversation of the meeting to find an answer.  I think I did a fair job summarizing their information together.  What I really enjoyed when I was taking their notes were the words people were saying… it makes me giggle just thinking about it.  Our character and personality I was trying to keep as I was summarizing… so yeah for me formal recording wasn’t what I enjoyed… I felt like this was a family meeting and so to remember everyone’s character I loved keeping their quirkiness… it’s absolutely adorable.  I found myself laughing out loud when I was trying to get their message out… when I submitted my drafts to the specific communities to review and edit for accuracy… I got a few laughs back… they laughed that I used the actual words they were saying… I said I don’t mind what was said as long as it’s authentic… we’re family so I don’t think anyone will get offended… I mean this was how we were talking anyway… of course I have some of my language in the mix since i was editing their information… so I wanted to make sure they were happy with what I had to represent them.  I also know there are areas such as the financials that went over my head… hehe… words I’ve heard before but not really any understanding in the context and so I wanted them to better explain what I couldn’t do for them.  Plus there were a few communities who didn’t say much during the meetings… so I wanted to give them another opportunity to share more… it’s possible it was overwhelming to be in such a large group and finding a chance to express yourself… the founder was giving people the opportunity, but again didn’t mean they were confident and comfortable expressing… maybe now they’re back in their space they can find the words without any pressure on them.  Yes… I’ve been loving the opportunity to gain rapport with the individual communities as well.. I didn’t know how I would approach all of this… but during the meeting we are taking about networking.. so I was going to see how comfortable people are by sharing conversations through online messages.  I’d like to start to get to know who I’m working with as well… I know how group chats going with each community… I’ve sent out the drafts and I”m waiting to have them returned their edited version.  So yes… the fellow note taker wanted to understand what I was doing so I was able to let her know and she has access to my summaries in the shared document so I figured she would understand what I was doing.  And she did say that it seems like this is not a requirement for me to do, but I told her it’s something I want to do.  I’ll get to know the communities there a little better with this summary… because it was fairly chaotic trying to keep up with the words…hehe.  And the founder also told both of us that he didn’t expect us to do these extras… he thought he was going to receive our chicken scratches and submit them for people to decipher for themselves… but he’s appreciative of our initiative mannerism we both share.  I told her I’m enjoying myself and since I’ve done this I’m starting to find connections between them which is what I’m more concerned with.  So I told her that I’m not a good editor…for my second project I’ll type it out and she can go back and edit it if she wants to.  But I told her she seems like she’s got her hands full with the transcribing already which will take a few weeks… that it’s not necessary.  She wanted to edit the summaries I wrote but I told her that I’d like the communities to do the editing.  I saw a few of her edits and yeah it was missing the character of the person speaking.  I guess it was too formal for me… and honestly I don’t want her to make my content so formal either… I want my character to come out as well.. and my heart and my passion… this is part of my passion project and I’m super grateful to have this opportunity right now.  I’ll get into this.. well.. if you’ve been following along for the past six months I don’t have to continue repeating myself of my desire to help communities and connect a network of communities globally… but there’s some lingering baggage when it comes to her specifically so let me get this out for a little bit… so the girl jealousy thing is what I’m wanting to address… so of course I don’t know anyone’s relationship to one another.  Before I move on I want to continue to warn people this is a space for me to purge my thoughts.. she is not a bad person.. in fact if she’s been introduced into my life right now I’m excited to see how our relationship develops.  So keep that in mind… I find it fascinating how relationships evolve and I ultimately have hope for us to bond eventually… but I”m pretty patient to see that… I’d hope within this year things can completely change but if it takes five years from now… then I’m fine with that too.. I don’t want to have to prove myself and I don’t expect her to prove herself either… I just want to get my initial baggage out so I can open my mind to find a different perspective… which I’ve already been noticing and I want to share but I start from the chaos before clarity… hence my title… its a beautiful chaos and I appreciate this process… so ok… why do I think there’s a girl jealousy thing going on?  So I met her at the caving event… I knew I went there to specifically get an opportunity to talk to the founder but I noticed how needy people are of his attention and so I laid back during the weekend and thought possibly we’d have a chance during the few days after I planned to volunteer… so yes I could see he wanting his attention… and she wasn’t completely needy… she has a relationship that’s been developing so he’s more willing to give her attention.  but I wasn’t sure if I saw her desire for a possible romantic attention… I’m not sure why I think this.. but I think that’s what i was getting the vibe originally of why she was wondering why I was at the event… maybe she was wondering if I was there because of a romantic interest too… so possibly why she didn’t care to get to know me… which in turn I reciprocated.  Again I was observing her and I liked how informative she was when she was getting everyone ready to cave… she went to the same cave as I did however there were two groups and I was in the meditative while she was guiding the adventurous one.  we had an incident during the caving the third group in this same area had a girl who got a cut on her leg which was more like a puncture wound and needed to go to the hospital.  She wasn’t present when the founder brought her back to take her but when she returned with her group we informed her.  It was again interesting to see her reaction.  I definitely would describe it as professional yes, but also filled with worry and concern and even anxiety of making the correct steps forward at this point.  She was the only staff member at the location now… she’s the leader and she knew she wanted to make the correct decisions which makes sense.  We were all tryin got help her get to the results we got too… I feel like I was reminding everyone that it’s not a life a death situation… not using these words of course.. but the one of the girls I was with who helped the founder get the girl inside the car and had a staff member join them to watch her in the car while they went to the hospital… she was a bit frantic as well… when I saw the mannerism of the founder with the injured lady… at first I got up and wondered the degree of severity it was… he was quite calm and had it under control… she’s got a minor injury that needs to be looked at.  So I didn’t react… in fact I allowed the people who jumped into help and I continued with my conversations.  So the frantic one addressed the note taker partner…and again I can see how she wanted the energies to elevate to degrees which isn’t necessary… to help the frantic one I asked her how close is the hospital and it was like 10 minutes away… she thought it was going to be hours away and thought there was going to be such a huge blood loss etc etc… once she saw that it was right down the road she felt better.. and so again when they were both together she couldn’t help herself wanting to elevate the energy but I felt like I was able to keep it calm and stable for the leader to understand that it wasn’t a life or death emergency.  She wasn’t sure again who to trust at that moment but she kept her cool and started to focus on the logistics… she was the only staff and there was a group who didn’t have a staff guide.  She questioned if she should go and get them… she feared that they shouldn’t be alone… I reminded her that it’s more of the advanced group… there were many experienced cavers there who are confident in their skills and should be fine for them to get back out when they’re ready.  Many confirmed the people present in their group and she recognized some of the descriptions and finally she said ok… she doesn’t need to get them.  But then she started to look around to the vehicles… the founder’s truck is here and he will not be returning to get it back… so we’ll need to return it to the hostel.  She wondered if all the vehicles present part of our group.  I said yes every car came with us… again a question whether to trust me… and so I got out my iPad’s footage and said I recorded everyone arriving because many of us are first timers so there was electricity in the air… so ok… all of the cars are there… one car was missing so how many additional cars do we need.  This is when she decided that she’s going to stay back while the two groups who are finished can return to the hostel… sh’ell drive the truck back and any person who needs to ride with her.  Good solution and again good observation.  we really didn’t have any more interaction that stands out in my mind… we just move to this weekend event and the first memory is the founder talking to her and asking if she remembers me… and she looked up and said oh yeah I remember her and we both just shared a simple smile… hehe… not grand affection for one another and again I will reciprocate… and I completely understand.  But yeah… I see there is an affection between them but I also don’t sense a romantic chemistry or spark there either… polyamory being so present gets me wondering who is partnering with who…lol.. like it’s my business… and actually that’s not what I’m asking myself.. I’m asking who is he partners with… but I did see her celebrating a ten year anniversary with her partner on FB and so that’s was cute to see… and yeah I’m not sure why there was a thing for a second… I’ll see how it unfolds… ok.. I feel good leaving that behind so let’s move into the insights I’m getting from the note taking.  

Since I’ve been involved with the temple farm in Utah I’ve already been brainstorming ideas of what suggestions I’d have for that particular property but again it always leads back on how to scale it to other properties and eventually globally… and again with me not talking at the event and taking notes I found it interesting to hear commonalities and differences in each approach.  At the end of the meetings I had a brief moment with the founder to ask how he thought it went and of course he said it went well but he can see things he wants to change for next time.  The setup had people arriving Friday afternoon or Saturday morning… the meetings were scheduled longer with both during Saturday before and after lunch.. people will leave at leisure on Sunday.  He thought splitting it up through out the weekend would be best… four shorter sessions one on Friday and Sunday and two on Saturday.. I’m sure there were more details he thought of but that’s all that was said at the time.  I agreed because I felt we only got to know communities and we really didn’t get to any action steps of solutions for areas of concern.  And I think that’s what’s going on right now while I’m deciphering these notes.  I guess there’s something I want to address real quick before the details is that at the end of the session there was a collective agreement for the properties wanting to create a blueprint of the function of a community… talking about an outside mediator.. and who would be interested visiting properties to find network opportunities… inside I wanted to say that that’s exactly what I’d be interested in, but I didn’t want to commit to only these properties… so I waited to see who would volunteer or be interested… and there was someone who said she’d be interested… and it was very interesting to see how everyone responded to wanting to support her to do this.  She already travels between many communities… I believe she has seven on her list for next season already… and only one was present during this event… so is she saying she’s going to add another seven?  I spoke to her one on one… because of course I’d love to support her as well and I wanted to see how she was thinking of approaching this… i love her passion and enthusiasm towards problem solving solutions for her communities.. and I can relate a lot to her.. I found myself reminding her that self care is important if she wants to do this.  

 

 

 

Ok… I just got done eating a spaghetti lunch with my pops… I feel better using him as a soundboard at this time because it’s not so much spiritual stuff like Aya and deep shit… it’s language he can understand again if he’s not really passionate about but there’s more feedback from him…hehe… and by talking I knew I was missing something… I didn’t know what but I think I figured something out… I want to help these communities and right now I’d like them to focus on self care of course but they’re really wanting a body of intentional volunteers… I was seeing where my nonprofit comes into play.. I’ve got high standards of the communities I’m involved with… right at this time I have communities I adore but all but one are places I would recommend to friends and family to freely go to without my presence… I know it sounds a bit…whatever the word is… but I’ve got high standards and I want my recommendations to be valued because of intentional results… just as an example… I love the temple farm but with the personality that runs this space and there rules… i don’ know much of my friends and families who would enjoy themselves alone, but if i was there to put things into perspective it would be a different situation… same thing applies to the shamans that I work with… a few months ago someone was wanting me to write a FB review on their retreat and I said I wasn’t able to do this because I don't think they’re recommendable at this time.  Not that I’m not going to continue me work with everyone… but once they’re ready then I’ll recommend them… but if they’re not there yet… then whomever is attracted to work with them without my recommendations is how it’s supposed to go since that’s what’s happening.  I want to build skills to enhance my understanding of what I’d like to do for WithinUverse nonprofit and I was thinking I was going to be recommending these particular communities… but I don’t really know these communities right now… and so I don’t know where there standards are…. But what I could see WithinUverse backing up right now that can help these communities… finding volunteers who are intentional and desire to contribute… I can see creating a program to find these volunteers… I’ve met volunteers I would put on the list already… and possibly it’s going to be a recommendation program… not everyone can go on to the site and sign up with their details… somebody has to recommend them to join… and this tool can also be used as a reference for volunteers to find opportunities.  So yes I see I can put my focus in this area at this time.  Everyone want to know how to get volunteers to actually work.. and there’s a concern they’re just looking for a free place to live so they’re not homeless… and I would consider myself as a work trader and I can see how these could be a perception to look at but that’s going to limit volunteer opportunity because of the lack of trust.  Now the people I know doesn’t mean they’re all completely perfect volunteers… we have our pros and cons; however… they’re intentional to grow and learn and connect… so I’d recommend them to be volunteers for these communities… even though I’m not sure I’m recommending the communities until I actually have time to understand where they are.  Another factor that seems to be in the way is that these communities don’t always have housing for these volunteers… so this will need to be addressed.  WithinUverse would love to have a collection of intentional volunteers and to start a system to start gathering these people I find will be very beneficial.  Interesting… it’s going to be nice to narrow down my focus right now… so where do I start? Hehe 

So… what are programs that are already out there that seem like it’s the same thing or similar?  Let me do a search real quick… right now I’m thinking workaway, woofing, couchsurfing…. Things of this nature and I also remember LDS has a website dedicated to finding volunteer opportunities… but there’s more out there I’m sure… lets see what I can find… so actually I think I’ll finish this session here so I can do some research… sweet… until next time… enjoy!  

[withinUverse]

Ok… so I just got off a video chat with a friend I met in a karaoke bar in Utah… It was funny because our group entered the bar and was showing our IDs and he was on stage singing “Creep” by Radiohead… he was doing a fabulous job and I thought right away if I do a duet tonight i’m going to ask if he’ll join me.  And that’s exactly what I did… I approached him  and his friend and we all went to the patio so I could smoke while we got to know one another.  I was asking him if he knew the song “Crusin’ Together” by Huey Lewis and Gwyneth Paltrow… holy crap.. I was going to help my dad outside real quick and I was so excited I jumped to type… hehe… I’ll be back.. 

 

 

Alright… I’m back… and I’m so excited to write about my ideas but also there’s a part of me that’s wondering how much should I be sharing… I’m trying to gather a team to start working on the building website sites and application and cyber security side of things… I’m just wondering if someone has the means if they’d want to go ahead and do it before we get the chance?  I mean I was looking at some of these places that deal with volunteers and they aren’t going to approach it the way I’d like to approach it… so even if I tell everyone my ideas… it’s not like I would want to compete with anyone… I’d probably ask to collaborate together… the more people taking a look at this from different angles is exactly what I would love to have happen to try to create something more holistically than one person’s view.  So… let’s just give it a go.  

 

 

So back to the story… he did not know that song but he said he’d give it his best attempt…. He never sings songs without practicing but with my enthusiasm… he’s going to give it a try and we had fun attempting our first duet together…. We met up again at the temple to have a chat and that’s when I found out he was in the cyber security field.  We spoke about many things but I didn’t ask his permission to discuss personal details so I’ll have to do that some other time maybe.  But I think I mentioned a few days back that my girl friend who was a ballroom instructor with me wants to do cyber security and I gave her his information, but she hadn’t reached out yet.  So I apologized to him that she got distracted and might be a little shy because she wishes she knew the answers she’s going to ask him.  I told him I have a project that I want to start where I want people to be completely vulnerable with themselves and everyone who would have access to their information..  If we have cyber security in mind from the get go this might help people feel more comfortable doing this… and since I want to be as intentional as possible I’m going to see how much I can push them out of their comfort zones… this is where the real magic is… but also I would like this to be a recommendation or referral program to where we see the pros and cons of each person… but also see how they are developing… What I would describe myself ten years ago is not the same as I would describe myself now… and people’s opinions have changed I’m sure as well… and honestly I’m not a people pleaser anymore so it might be presumed I’m not as nice anymore but really I respect myself more and value myself and energy… but these things might not have the chance to be recognized from a brief encounter… so anyway… he told me his credentials of over twenty years experience…and his list includes working with Stanford University, Facebook on a global security project and NASA… I was like holy shit ok… I’m glad I’m talking to you about this then… seems like you know your shit… hehe… but I wasn’t really prepared… i was babbling and we happened to be free so we did a video chat… but I’m going to send him an email that will give him more information about what I’m looking to start and what questions I have for him.  I know that when I say I want people to give their information I was hoping somehow this could help people from around the world to travel to different countries so recruiting volunteers or communities could be possible and help them get their visas to travel.. and when they’re in a new country how to get SIM cards, transportation… just make it as simple as we can.  So I thought… let’s go journal about it and see if I can get better paragraphs out to him instead of my rambling chaotic manner i write.  Hehe… this reminds me of the conversation I had with my potential romantic interests I had earlie… well hell might as well get that off my chest too.  

So I’ll keep it brief as I can because I didn’t get his permission to spill the details but I’ll definitely express my side of things but again not in too much detail…. Hehe I’ll try my best too.  So I was in a state of limbo right now… After seven years of not being in a relationship in person mostly with a imaginary idea of an Australian man who I’d been having messages for the four years with … he’s not imaginary but the ideal of him was imaginary… he wasn’t reciprocating mutual feelings except at the beginning and he was not a safe space to express my feeling to and pretty much he thought I needed to see a psychiatrist because I was expressing my feeling for him honestly.  I wasn’t really ready to jump all in and so I was holding onto something that would actually help me stay celibate and learn to love and respect myself and not to mention focus to be in the Awakening… so thank you for that.. but now I’m ready to go all in full blown vulnerability and expressing my crazy to see whom I might attract.  Well.. my body was communicating that there seems to be a gentleman I reconnected with after five years.  I only knew him for about a week visiting his hostel and the rest has been random FB posts that we’d see… His posts were attracting my attention and so before I arrived to Indiana I planned to visit with him.  This is a broken record but I don’t know how much context I need to be including before I just go with it… I can’t find a way to find anything I’ve been able to say on here without having to go through all of it… so I figured if people don’t want to read through all of my entries.. I can give a little summary.  So long story short my body was showing me how extremely unusual I am when I am speaking to him specifically because of an attraction that seems to be far more deeper than I’ve had with anyone else I had spoken with in person.  So… I fumbled and bumbled around with words but I got it out to him that I was attracted to him more than friendship or business partnership… what I didn’t know when I told him this is that he was going through a breakup with one of his current partners… they had been together for over a year and none of us were prepared for the attraction and even though I’d like to explore this with him.. he needs time to process his feelings.  He doesn’t really know me from Eve… and so we also have the work trade volunteer boss relationship going too.  So I’m going to help tomorrow but I wanted to clarify to him that even though I enjoy contributing to his community the main reason I’m going is to hopefully get a chance to have some conversations with him.. real conversation and prefer more on the private side.  I know he’s going through a break up so I want to give him space to do what he needs to do… I still need more time to clear out my energies to allow myself to receive him fully so I understand but excited as well.  But I went ahead and gave it a go to see how he would handle my crazy… to wrap it up quickly I’ll just say… we had actual back and forth conversations… I’d write out well thought out communication and he would reciprocate with his well thought out communication.  I was vulnerable enough to share my crazy and he didn’t think I was psychotic and needed to go speak to a therapist… in fact he’s looking for a “truly transformative, soul-entangling intimacy/sexuality/romance”… and I said well… you just found one… hello there… it’s nice to finally meet you… I’ve been searching for you too… we chuckled over our conversation but he also said he just needs his solitude to figure his mess out right now but he notices the chemistry, finds me wildly attractive and easy to be around… and anyone he finds who has goals towards spirituality, karma, and big picture lifestyles he’s intersted in connect with… so I’m very satisfied at this time because he clearly communicated his needs at this time and I was able to do the same.  I’ve got this project on my mind right now.. so I can focus on that and see if and when we give this a shot.  

So… the project… geesh… again I feel like I have to give context because damn it I’ve been talking about this for a long time now but I don’t remember what all I disclosed and again it’s not like I can say go to this topic in my conversations because this isn’t setup like that.  So I guess I’ll just have to begin as if you don’t know what I had said in the past.  So I’m an Enlightenment shaman who is following her guidance from the Universe.  I’ve been intentionally working on removing attachment to labels that keep me in a human mind set instead of Universal mindset.  We are the Universe waiting to realize this within ourselves.  This is the path we’e always been on and many are ready to Realize this… I mean you’re on actualized.org forum page… I think you know what Leo’s all about… well I am too… and I’m hoping you are too.  I do have messages on how to assist in people to get to the Awakening through preparation and deconstruction, Ayahuasca and ceremonies, but mostly through the integration work.  But this hasn’t been my true calling… My messages are what happens after we Awaken?  So I’m not worried about people being able to Awaken… this is already happening… it’s just going through the process of Awakening for the last three years… I’m very fresh to what all I have been doing to process this transformation… it was necessary for me and I’m grateful I’ve been preparing myself to allow the freedom and time to process.  So yes… I’m planning on people Awakening when we’re ready to… but also ready to arrange things to allow the aftermath of Awakening… I cannot assume it’s going to be the same, but I have found tools and locations that might be helpful to assist in this time we’ll find ourselves in.  It’s happening and I’m excited and we’re all doing our thing… and this is my thing I’m working with the Universe on… at this stage it’s a system to network communities and volunteers.  In the bigger picture I’d like to establish this as a nonprofit so people over the world can travel easier with having borders they have to cross… not that the religous nonprofit will automatically do this, but right now that seems to be the easiest way for international travelers coming from third world countries.  We are the Universe… we can learn and benefit from anyone at anytime anywhere… as long as we are intentional and at higher degrees of consciousness.  So… people who are going to be involved with this system will agree to be on this mindset of growth and expansion for themselves and the collective.  This is where the idea switches away from what I see is out there right now.  My thinking is I don’t want everyone to be able to create an account, login, and not be involved actively.  Of course I don’t want to remove this population… but also I want to encourage stepping out of our comfort zones and engage… this is where the juice is… and so there will probably be a limit of stagnancy built in where if someone hasn’t logged in for a long duration… then they’re account will be removed.  I’m not sure how to get people to not have several accounts either.. especially since this is going to be a transparent community and if they start getting what could be considered negative marks… they might want to give up on the original account to start a new one… but this is about growth not perfection… so what if we get negative marks on us… we don’t want to run and hide and make things up… we want to own our current state of character and be inspired and motivated to make changes to mature and elevate our conscious levels.  I’m not sure how to do this thing while trying to keep the energies cleared and not crowded with toxic people creating drama because they’re bored and want attention.  I was thinking there’s going to be referral program… again where people can’t just sign up freely… they have to earn credibility somehow… I think this has been a concept in this Forum and I see why the attempt and I’m not afraid to attempt it again.  Not only do i want to maintain credibility to individuals but also to communities who want to be involved.  Yesterday I said I don’t want to assume a community is conscious enough to host intentional volunteers so I didn’t want to promote them… but maybe there’s a referral system but also maintain a level of credibility to stay an option for intentional volunteers.  I’ve been wanting nonprofits to work together why not communities too?  If we aren’t familiar with a particular area we’re struggling with… why not network with our community to get answers, workshops, and volunteers to get the challenge addressed and find multiple solutions and start to go through them until we’re satisfied with our results.  If we are tearing down structures or digging dirt or have extra llama hair and dung… why not let other communities know that there’s excess of something we have and if someone wants to use these supplies it’s available.  Transportation would also be something I’d like to include to make it easier to go from one community to another.  Again how do we use what’s already in the play and collaborate together… extend and connect the communities that are already in existence but want to intentionally work together and learn… I feel many of us are ready for this… and those who are not… are not being forced to.. in fact I hope they’re not attracted to our system… just to cause problems.  Geesh I don’t like to assume any of this.. but it was shocking when I came onto this forum and was reading some of the posts… and I too live in a world where some of us are not ready to trust and share… but those who are ready… why not make it easier to find one another.  We’re out here… we’re doing the work… we’re looking for more of us… and we’re attracting one another… can this be an additional tool to use?  I think I can give this more thought and see if I can start reaching out to my known network of friends and family… and see if we can start creating brainstorming events to give feedback and also make it happen.  this is where I’m at… and I have the energy and time to dive into more… but not at this exact moment… hehe… I’m hungry and my eyes are hurting a bit… I’m doing some digital art and I think I want to go play around some more for this evening… it’s very relaxing and I want to leave early tomorrow.  Ok.. this is good for now.. until next… enjoy ourselves   

[withinUverse]

Interesting… for the last two mornings I’ve been waking up with my shirt around my wrists… I’m at the hostel  and we’ve been making fires for our heat… in the night I’m getting hot so I start to strip but it seems like when I take off my shirt I’m not taking it completely off… I’ve been keeping it around my wrists and I’m just falling asleep before I take remove it.  And I’m waking up thinking about my romantic interest… it’s almost as if I’m thinking about how much I trust or want to work to trust him completely.  I guess I was thinking about the situation I was in when I was younger and I had an older cousin who was treating me in appropriately… but the main issue was feeling like I had no control.. I had no control but it was a situation that the person I was encountering was not a safe space and wasn’t allowing me to express myself openly… he was taking away my consent.  And maybe in my head I have something inside that wants to give consent even though there’s an impression of loss of control.  I’m just wondering if this is something I’d be interesting in trying it out.  I’m not sure if he’s interested in rope play… but maybe because I was speaking with a couple who do enjoy it and I also so photography of this kind of play… maybe it’s triggering a desire for me.  I was thinking about this… because I don’t think it’s very attractive in the appearance of someone who is tied up… that doesn’t really excited me sexually… but as I think about this… what I think is sexy is the trust that goes into allowing this… I could see myself doing this as a way to demonstrate the trust I have in my partner.  It’s like whatever you do… I trust you.  And I’m not certain why ropes or getting tied up is a part of my psyche… but it’s something I’m waking up to.  So I just wanted to address it and think about it a bit more.  Again… the look of someone who is tied up doesn’t really look aesthetically pleasing to me… and I even thought that if I was to be tied up… I’m not sure if I’d like to use a rope… I see aerial acrobats with silks and that’s beautiful for me… so yes I’d like to get tied up but probably with items that are aesthetically beautiful and also tacitly comfortable or soothing on my skin.  I’ve done a little tying in the bedroom… but not much… but I use like silky ties… it feels good on the skin.. there was a partner that would like me to tie him up… so yeah he trusted me and I don’t remember if I enjoyed tying him up really… I just remember that he enjoyed it and I wanted to do things he wanted to try in the bedroom… I remember we tied multiple ties together and he asked if I could do a little asphyxiation to him… So what we ended up doing was tying a tie around his neck… we looped the ties over the clothes rack bar and I pulled down slightly on the ties to get it to tighten around his neck and again get that sensation he was looking for… and I went down on him while i was doing this.  I remember the action of this but again I don’t really remember if I enjoyed it, but he enjoyed this.  So yeah… I guess there seems to be a desire to try this out but I’m not sure to what extent.  What I was thinking this morning is there’s a combination inside me that is wanting to reach a state of complete surrender and trust and so my psyche is suggesting to use rope or being tied up… but with someone who I trust and has created a safe space for me… I don’t think this is the only way but it might be more of an extreme way for me to be ok with losing control within a safe space.  Which is what I continue to work on with the Universe… and maybe I can do this with my romantic partner to allow full surrender… again this might be all symbolic which will just be fine with me… but also it might be something I want to work towards.  There is something else that I was thinking which again might be triggering when I saw photos of people suspended in the air all tied up.  Again… looking at this didn’t really get me excited or aroused… however, sensory deprivation is coming up to mind… I’ve been interested in caving because I’ve heard about opportunities to experience sensory deprivation.  When I was in the space it was obvious to lose my visual senses… and I ended up seeing light and at times no blackness at all… but I could still hear all the sounds of the water moving… a few squeaks from the bat near by… I also could feel my weight sitting or lying on the ground… so it wasn’t total sensory deprivation.. however I thought if I was floating in water inside a cave would help this sensation.  Similar to a float tank… but I guess I have a feeling that this suspension could help with sensory deprivation of weight… along with blindfolds and earplugs… so yes trying ways to experience total sensory deprivation sounds so enticing.  Something is calling for me to experience this.  And I’m wondering how this will come through.. I saw these pictures of women mostly tied up and suspended… but I mean I also think about learning about vertical climbing of ropes and that was keeping me suspended… but i do remember I felt the weight around my harness that was holding my body up.  But I’ve also known in the past that there are some sex swings I saw… Never used but thought it would be something I’d enjoy… being weightless and easy for my partner to hold me up… actually they wouldn’t have to hold me up but we could do positions that might not be doable without a swing.. I don’t know it’s something that I woke up thinking about so I thought I’d start with this before recalling what’s been going on these past few days since arriving to the hostel.  

So…  Thursday I left around 6:15 ish… to get to the hostel… I was trying to get there early so I could actually help with the projects they’re doing and also get as much time as I could to be with my romantic interest before he left.  He told me he was going to be gone for the weekend but would be able to see me Thursday and most likely Monday night or Tuesday when he gets back.  I planned on staying until Tuesday so we’ll see how things play out.  But everyone was surprised I made it for the head and heart meeting.  The founder wasn’t there in person he was driving and was on a video chat while we were talking about the morning expression of how our head and heart is feeling… I was expressing my head is running thoughts of a project that I’ve been thinking about… I’ve started reaching out to people who might be able to direct me or even join me to get this project going… I’m curious if this is the right time… I didn’t go into detail of the project but this community network website and app is what I was thinking about.  And I said that my heart is grateful that I’m starting to listen without always questioning every step.  And I said for my personal ambitions I wanted to play the piano and also wanted to dance.  I said I’d love to teach anyone who might want to learn partner dancing and I was implying the manager and the girl staff member who are the staff at this time… The founder was going to be leaving so I knew he wouldn’t be joining us… but if any or both would be interested I’d love to share that with them… but if not… I just want to dance sometime today.  The founder has a question of the day at the end of the meeting and he asked if there is something that’s going on in our lives that no body here would know about.  And the class reunion popped into my mind… I said I just realized a few nights ago that it’s going to be 2025 and it will be our 25 year high school reunion… I had wanted to do a reunion for this and I had forgotten about it… and since I was class president I want to start making plans to host a wonderful reunion.  He asked me if I knew what I was going to do… I said I hadn’t yet… but now I’m going to be looking for ideas… last time I gave them two options and they chose the bar and drinking one.. and so this time I’m not certain I’ll give any options and just choose the event I want to host and hope they enjoy themselves.  He asked… are you going to give them all psychedelics?  I said I’m very picky with whom I share ceremony with… so I wouldn’t be considering it… and he said you could be giving them the psychedelics but don’t have to participate with them…and then I said I’m not a distributor either… I’m out a dealer… and he said he was just joking… and I said I realize that you’re just joking… but ceremony isn’t something I wouldn’t like to relate it to a joke, because it’s not a joke and it’s transformative.  This reminds me of a brief occasion that he called Aya a drug.  I didn’t address it but it did give me a hint that maybe he’s uncomfortable with “drugs”… which isn’t what I wold call Aya or many psychedelics… but I hope we get time to talk about it.  The thing he said that we wouldn’t know about him is that he’s been telling everyone he’s taking a week off once the hostel is closed… but he’s been thinking about it and is going to take an entire month off… and the Pacific Northwest seems to be calling to him.  And I was happy to hear he’s going to take time for himself… said good for you… he deserves to self care and relax… I mean he has three months off… take as long as he needs without putting a timeline on it.  As much as I’d like to spend time with him on his break… i also know that our time will come when it comes and if he needs solitude to get to where he needs to open up to us more…then do what you gotta do babe.  

that’s funny actually I almost called him a pet name while we were working… I caught myself but i did think that was unusually and a little startling that I was wanting to call him a pet name and we’ve barely spent time together and yes we haven’t been talking about pet names… he just happened to be talking to me from another room and I was telling him ok I’ll do it… but was about to call him I can’t remember if it was babe, baby, honey… something of this nature but I stopped myself before it came out.  So yes… we had a break after the meeting to eat breakfast and stuff before we actually go as a group to work on the project.  So he was able to join us at this time and we were going to the manager’s house to continue remodeling.  I’ve learned that I need time in a space to get a feel for what the project is and what’s the expectation of quality… so I’ve been here a few times now and I can feel myself more comfortable in the space…and we actually spent most of the day here.  The founder and I seemed to be more willing to do this type of work… we did it a bit longer than the other two.  But we all worked on the house and it continues to feel and look better each time I visit.  The founder is all work when he gets in there and I am too… we find a few moments to have some privacy and I’m trying to see how I responde to him.. but there is a bit of hesitancy and awkwardness but I was able to figure out… and I told him later when we were together… I’m extremely attracted to him; however, I don’t really know him.. so my mind needs to understand the attraction… the more I have conversations with him and the more I’m just around him.. the more I understand and enjoy myself and able to show my affection more.  I’m definitely needing privacy to show affection but I feel like it’s getting better.  The girl staff member saw me hugging him from behind while he was sitting and she came in to let us know something… and I stood up… not abruptly but I stood up and she said that I don’t need to stop… and I said thank you I understand but I enjoy privacy right now to show my affection.  Again… I’m just observing how I am right now and I find it interesting.  Let’s see… I was hanging curtains which looker really nice with beads and draping going on… and then I was mixing old paints that didn’t have much left to make it’s only color to use for the laundry room.  I didn’t paint that day just mixed the paint to get it ready.  Mostly we were working on electrical projects… removing the old fixtures and placing new ones up.  He noticed how much I enjoy myself and told him a little more about me studying interior design, architecture, and art in college… i haven’t had too many opportunities to actually build but I found a master carpenter who has let me him in projects… an old school mountain builder… I asked how he got into remodeling and it started when he bought an old Lutheran church in Indy and remodeled it so it was an event for weddings and specifically for his wedding photography business he was in.  He said he didn’t have money to hire people to remodel… so he did it himself and he enjoyed it.  He has this hostel and so he’s been building here and continues to learn more… I’ve done a little electrical but he showed me how to do the things he needed.. and yes I do enjoy how thorough he is in his explanation but he started to get the idea that he didn’t have to go through all the details he’s used to explaining to his volunteer and said I’m sure you actually understand..and so it was nice to see us working as a team..and I do enjoy being around him.  I think I noticed that he saw me a bit hesitant with him, but when I was talking to the girl staff that it seemed like we were more friendly with one another.. which makes sense to me… because I’ve been spending more time with her while I’m here then getting the chance to spend with my romantic interest.  This is why I wanted to come on a weekend where there wasn’t an event hoping there would be more opportunity to share together.  But again I can’t explain how intuitive he is.. so he just started to ask me more questions and establishing a rapport and I wasn’t so hesitant and however much I want to touch and be physically attentive towards him… I also feel myself holding back because he’s still processing his separation…and so there’s a part of me saying that’s it’s not time to truly surrender to him… wait but not being cold about it… being warm but also communicating that we haven’t actually officially going on in with each other.  Without going into great detail of the entire day… we worked until the evening and headed back to the farmhouse.  I was surprised he had stayed this long… I thought he would be leaving sooner and he thought he was too… but he’s enjoying his time and felt like he wanted to continue enjoying it.  So it was the three of us who were at the farmhouse this evening.. the manager lives at the manager’s house so he didn’t join us after we shared the gratitude circle.. he wasn’t feeling social.  the founder said he’s willing to stick around and doing something with us.. but it seemed like people were leaving and girl staff was going to sleep but when he said he’d stick around a little longer she was interested in hanging out.  She’s 19 and she was homeless before getting here.  Her grandmother told her about this hostel through word of mouth… and she applied and was doing interviews with the founder… and he was close to her location and asked if she’s wanting to join he’d love to have her… he’s driving by Wisconsin so he’ll pick her up and take her to the hostel if she’s ready.  And so they came back together.  She’s going to do her three months here and I can see how amazing he’s been in her life.  He’s a safe space and she was looking for that and wasn’t getting much support from her family she said… so… I was trying to allow space for them… Again I understand how magnetizing he is and how people want his attention.. he’s been trying to line up work opportunities for her so she can get to her next volunteer job in Asheville.  He was able to find people who need things done around and are willing to pay her for her help… some donated money… anyway he got off the phone with one of them and so I started cooking my dinner and just taking me time in doing it.. it was in a different room and so they could talk with one another without me hovering over them… plus I was tying not to listen in even though I did hear a little bit…they’re very playful together.. such a sibling vibe or even parental but very respectful and fun. I finally joined them so I can eat at the table.  

He bought her a used vehicle so she can drive to Asheville and is giving her time to pay him back.. but she loves the car and wants to decorate it.. I have pillows I’m going to be giving her and hoping to help decorate however she seems to do most of the work.  She asked me what i wanted to do… and I said I’d love to dance… that’s one of my personal ambitions today… and I still want to… she said she doesn’t have the energy to dance and I said it doesn’t have to be an energetic dance.. and maybe the founder will join us since he’s here… you guys can partner up and I can teach.  So we were talking a little bit and he said he wasn’t feeling like dancing either… and he started to go into more detail and I think we ended up alone while he was expressing this.  He said that last two months he’s been partner dancing… it was like a last attempt for his exe to reestablish our connection and he wasn’t finding it very fun.  He said he’s tried to partner dance a few times now and each time he wants to be hopeful that he’ll enjoy himself but gets let down… he said he wants to either fully enjoy the music and/or fully enjoy his partner… and he doesn’t experience this with dance lessons in person or online.  I was able to explain to him how passionate I am about dancing and how I was a ballroom instructor… he wanted to know the dish and just letting him know how much I enjoyed helping gain confidence with singles and couples… letting couples know whether they’re still wanting to make themselves work as a team or not…just a lot… I’m very passionate about dance and if anyone has read any of my stuff I go into details and rambles about how much I love dancing…and he noticed my passion it’s hard to miss when I get a chance to talk about it.  We were talking about the desire and time to actually dance leads to confident good dancers… anyway… I ended up telling him that I’ve been wanting to come up with a new way to teach dance that doesn’t have patterns.  I realize patterns are an easy way to build confidence if confidence is what people are looking for.. but I want to teach more intuitively.  He said continue…and I said well that’s about as fas as I’ve gotten… I haven’t had a partner to practice this idea on… it’s just a thought at this time.  I was looking in his eyes and said I would love to dance with you.. no expectations… we don’t have to have music I’ll just listen to you and your body.  He said this evening would not be the time he would like to dance with me… but he will one day.  Actually this morning I got a message from him saying that he will dance with me… made me feel good when i woke up…and I responded i will love that… whenever he is ready… and whenever he wants to really surrender to our romantic partnering exploration… we’re both hesitant but open… he was driving to New York and it was late but he reassured me that he’ll drive until he can’t and he’ll pull over and rest…he has a bed setup in the back of his car because he’s use to traveling… and it's not a problem to rest when he needs to… I do notice myself in nurture mode when I’m with him… I’m keeping myself in check though because I don’t want it to feel I like mothering.. because I trust him… I just want to make sure he’s not too careless with endangering himself… like I have any room to talk because I’m pretty confident and many say careless… but I just trust myself in many ways and I can see this in him too.  I just feel like I want to promote self care as much as possible to him.  And it does seem like he takes time for himself… but I also feel like there’s just so many thoughts and projects on his mind… I really wonder how much time is in silence and not doing anything?  I know the more I’m around him th more I’ll get a better picture of how I can assist…. I know he enjoys me around as well… my energy is inviting and comforting when energies are aligned…. Why is this happening at the moment?  It’s because we’ve both been doing the work… and our energies recognize this and wants us to share happiness and joy with one another… the Universe will get the opportunity to experience love and life through us and I’m looking forward to see what it is like as well.  

After he left for New York.. it was me and the girl staff left alone.  We were hanging out and I told her I’d still love to dance… if she wanted to dance with me… she didn’t want it to be energetic and I said I’ll keep it slow… and she said she’d give it a try.  We were building a fire together and I was setting up the mood with slow blues music.. and turning off most of the lights and dimming lights… she knew of lights hanging that reacted to sound and would change colors… so yeah it was really nice and we started dancing.  She hasn’t had much experience with partner dancing… however, she was amazing at it… she was following and not try to lead… only a few moments did she and she caught herself… I told her if there’s two people trying to lead it becomes a wrestling match… but what i didn’t say… is when I feel her lead… then I’ll let her… no intentional wrestling when I share dance.  But it was quite a magical moment for the both of us.  Again she’s 19 and we’ve been able to get to understand a little more about ourselves.  The last time i was here there were three of us girl staff and she said that she thinks she’s a lesbian.  she’s not sure because she got hurt real heavy with her boyfriend so she might just be traumatized right now… but she feels more comfortable and safe with women.  And so I also wanted to show her I’m a safe space as well.  She actually has two energies… both masculine and feminine who are a safe space for her… and care about her… she’s got trust issues too and letting her guard down is something she’s working on like all of us… and it’s nice to see how well we moved and communicated with the music.  She said she really enjoyed herself and was grateful we danced… I reciprocated the same feelings I’m just more verbally expressive about it.  I encouraged her to continue learning and practicing… because she’s got it going on…hehe… she did so well intuitively that I did move to a few different patterns and she picked everything up so well.. but we were both getting tired.. I headed upstairs for the first time to sleep in a room in the farmhouse instead of sleeping in the van.  I did pick up a ukelele however to just tune it and learn a few notes… I downloaded an app for free for 7 days…and I ended up playing for at least an hour… it was so fun and easy compared to a guitar… just the size of it is so much easier to handle.. but also the strings seem easier to press down as well.  I love all the instruments here.. I love having access!  Ok… I feel like I’m getting sleepy again… I went to bed early around 9:30 … slept six hours… but I have time to take another rest for a few hours before waking up waking up for the day… ok… until next time… enjoy

[withinUverse]

Alright… what a week… hehe… where to even begin… well let’s just say I think I have a better idea of where I am right now… at this moment.  I think I’m rushing into the romantic life… I don’t think that’s where we are right now.  And I’m interested in building a relationship, but more on the friendship and professional side of things.  It’s funny because I mentioned this to him and he said that the romantic and vulnerable side is something that comes easy for him.. but I don’t feel romance coming from him.  I’m not even sure if I see the vulnerability either.  I see the honesty and I see him being friendly and we even had a hot make out sessions… however, the “romance” isn’t what I feel right now… I feel distance.  I mean I thought I was going to have to seduce him because he’s friendly with everyone and so I thought he was just being friendly with me and was surprised when he started the make out session with me.  I mean I had a lot of fun and it was very exciting… but ultimately I think he’s keeping me a secret… which makes sense since we’re new to one another… but how romantic and vulnerable is a secret… hehe… so what was I learning this week?  

I saw that it’s still a challenge for me to balance work and rest… I found myself alone at the farmhouse for a few days and I had a project that I could work on… and I got hooked into it.  There are six rooms here at the farmhouse for the staff and I patched holes and repainted the rooms.  I am also challenged when I’m around so much activity.  When there are many people who are at the house… it’s hard for my mind to stay focused.  I find when I go to the library which is a separate home on the property I can take a bath and have silence…. It feels really good to have stillness and I wanted to take advantage of that much more than I did.  I got fixated into the project… and I do this at times especially when I’m working on artwork.  I get so deep into the project that I don’t eat or sleep… and I got into that zone… I wanted to finish the rooms and stayed longer to do this… also to have more time to spend with him since he was traveling quite a bit.  We actually spoke about things we get fixated on and I mentioned this… and then I saw myself doing it.  And there was a day that I didn’t eat when I was alone… and I kept waking up early to continue the project.. I’d do the other projects with the group and in the afternoon… but I was doing quite a bit and I just like to get things done and once I start a project I’d like to finish it.  So… I finally asked to take a half day off to rest a bit and also I knew I wasn’t taking care of my hygiene and so I wanted to pamper myself… and we had a slow start to the day… and then we ended up hanging out by going shopping and the young staff member is learning how to drive so we let her practice on the country roads… it was fun… but also I was tired and wanted to get a few projects that I wanted to complete and then again… pamper and rest… however, by being part of the community I was able to eventually but not in the pace I would have chosen if I was by myself.  I’d like to figure out how to be in this type of space but also being in a more free form of movement of activity… there are some schedules that seems to get me to pressure myself instead of just going with the flow.  I understand that this is something I’m working on but I”m wondering how much I’m going to bend?  

I also noticed that the guests that were visiting seemed to draw my attention far more than anticipated.  I was very interesting… I’m very into hospitality… world class hospitality… and this isn’t a strong concern for this hostel it seems… it’s almost as if this community doesn’t engage much with guests.  They will have dinner with them and have gratitude circle with them before dinner… and if they are around for our morning head and heart then the guests can participate… which are great moments to introduce guests to the community life style.  But I hear comments about not really our responsibility to entertain the guests… which again at the time I appreciated however… the guests were really interesting and I couldn’t stop myself from hanging out with them and wanting to know more… and three of the six guests I ended up exchange contact information.  And I can see myself hanging out with them more than the people at the hostel… interesting… it seems like the guests were far more interested in getting to know who I am as well… it felt good… and even felt like I was finding more community with the guests than with the hostel family… I mean I’m gaining community in both areas really… but I am finding myself getting into the nurturing mode with the hostel community… I want to clean and organize and work a lot… there’s a lot of projects going on and the winter it closes… so I wanted to make things progress at an efficient rate.  Most of the staff is warn out at the end of the season so I can come in with fresh energy to help in this area… and I see the appreciation… but there seems to be a little space between us.  We’re getting closer but it still feels like there’s a gap… and I wasn’t feeling like that with the guests.  The first guest that really caught my eye was a woman around my age who recently became homeless by leaving her boyfriend.  I didn’t ask her permission to talk about all the things.. but let’s just say in the first half hour she mentioned “llamas”, “peacocks”, and “ayahuasca” without me telling anything about myself…. Hehe… I was like what the hell… ok… well let’s get to know her.  And she’s an amazing woman and I do want to get to know her more… but she deeply needed to rest and ground herself.  And so she wanted to contribute but she paid to be a guest so I told her to take this time to relax and rest.. and ground… and she did and she felt so much better when she left.  We went roller skating together and it was fun… I hadn’t skated for years now and it was rough start… but it was fun to see her in her element.  Next time I hang out with her I’ll see if I can say more about our conversations… But I had a feeling and so did she that we were attracted to meet one another here and now… and she’s been doing her spiritual work… of course there’s areas she’s not ready to address… but she’ll get there.  

There’s another couple who is here for their anniversary… and I really clicked with them.  I didn’t get their permission either but I just want to mention that I ended up teaching them how to dance with each other and they absolutely loved it.. and so did I… they did really great and the woman said she had two left feet and admitted it was all in her head… and she did wonderfully.. he was really good from the start… they’re great!  They hold festivals in their front yard in an area in Indy which is known for live music and local artists… so we spoke a lot about this.  I told them that I’d love to help them find sponsors for their event in June… and supposed to start asking businesses in January when they get their money for the year and they can allocated it for donations… and I said I’d love to learn how to do this… and they’re just learning as well… so they said yes they’d love that.  They also said they’d love for me to be the mc for the festival… I said we’ll see… I’m good at performing and entertaining… I’m not afraid to speak to big crowds… but I”m really good at the back of the house type of things… and that’s what I’d like to learn too.  I actually performed a song I was working on… I recently said that I want my mindset to change to being a musician instead of wanting to learn music more… there are some breakthrough moments with music and instruments for me… and so I’m just going to keep attracting more of these moments… It was fun to play and sing for them… But yeah… they’ll be leaving tomorrow and so will I… so I’m looking forward to seeing them before we all head out.  Such a sweet couple!  

Alright who am I kidding… I want to get to my reaction to how I was responding to my potential romantic interest… I did get his permission to speak about what has gone down with us as long as I don’t link him… so where do I begin?  So I already said that I told him that I’d like to have conversations with him to get to know him more… and we do but not really… in this environment… it doesn’t allow privacy and I”m not sure he wants to have privacy with me right now anyway.  We did have one night of privacy without staff members which is why we had our sexual play encounter.. but again I didn’t know it was going to happen.  He is very affectionate with all the people.  So there wasn’t any indication that his affection towards me was any different than the affection he shares with someone else.  Is this what he considers romantic?  I feel like it’s just his nature… I didn’t see it as romantic… when I think of romance that it’s something that seems to be a bit extra than normal conduct.  Only when we were by ourselves did there become something extra… and I’m not sure if that was romantic either.  It was sexy, but not romantic… I mean in a way it had a romantic flare to it… because he was extremely patient and wasn’t rushing any of our time together… but his confidence was sexy and I know I loved what was going on… but I was a bit surprised and I did feel like I was holding back a little… I’m not sure if it’s because it’s just such a new thing.. or if it’s because we really haven’t had much time together to get to know one another still.. and so there’s a connection.. but not the type of connection I want to be romantic.  But again I was loving what he was doing and it was sexy… and of course I have these feelings for him and so I didn’t want to stop what we were doing and wanted to see where it was going to lead.  Most of the time I wasn’t thinking of the destination which was good… but I did find myself starting to think about it the closer we got to possible intercourse… again in my head I was wondering if I was going to go for the penetration or not… well… long story short… I did allow him to penetrate me…and even then I didn’t know that’s where it was going because the entire time we were playing and so I thought it was just going to continue… hehe… but all of a sudden we were there and I enjoyed it and I don’t feel bad about it.. but I started to ask if this is really what I wanted to do at the moment?  There was a moment that I thought I was just going to break it off with him because he’s not really ready to take anything serious with me… and I asked him to pound my pussy so hard that it’s raw so she can get out some wild expression and be satisfied for awhile because who knows when I’ll have sex again… hehe… I told him that I found some scarves for props and let’s just see where it goes and we can focus on just being friends and business team… and he didn’t want to at the hostel and asked me to come to his house instead after the weekend.  I am not available… I’ve been gone for a week and I want to get back to my cat and also find some rest that I haven’t been able to find successfully here at the hostel.  But again… that’s the only time he invited me to his home… if we are going to be engaging in sexual play… it’s not like he’s asked me on a date… yeah… we aren’t dating right now… hehe… and so yes I”m rushing all of this.  And it doesn’t seem like I’m putting him in a good light… but he’s very sweet and charismatic and an all-around great guy… but I’m just wondering why I was getting all these messages about him… hehe… what really is there about him that is making me want to explore him more?  Right now I feel like his heart is unavailable… and my heart wants to explore this… but the make out session we didn’t even stay in the same bed… and I hear his voice in the morning in my dreams… I guess that’s a way to say it… I wasn’t really dreaming about him.. I just heard his voice come out and it sounded like, “slow down sib”… and I was like sib?  Maybe it was sis?  Anyway… it was him saying slow down… or it was me saying it regardless.. it was saying I was rushing things.. and it was too late to slow down on having sex with him.  But yes… right now I want to slow down and even almost halt with going forward romantically.  I thought originally that I was going to be coming down the Friday after Thanksgiving… but I think I’m going to wait until the following weekend after the hostel is closed.  The current manager is having a dinner party and he wants to play the Chicken game which is the sexual group play.  I want to bring my girl friend down to check out the hostel and she’s interested in playing this game.. so maybe I’ll just come for that event instead of spending an entire week here again.  Plus I’m not sure who is all going to be involved.. but yeah… I want to play around and get attention that isn’t so secretive… and I’m not ready to have sex again and so I just want to have sexual play with people who just want to have fun with everyone.  So that sounds more of where I am right now.  I know that’s two weeks away but at this moment that’s what I”m tentatively planning for.  

I’ve got a diversity drum circle event tomorrow that I’m excited about.  There’s several cultures who will be demonstrating their dance, drumming, outfits, and instruments… and I’ve done this a few times now and I enjoy myself fully when I’m there… so I’m looking forward to participating and hoping to get a lot of video footage… they’re going to want me to participate and I’m hoping I can find a balance to do both.  There are going to be drummers there that I want to speak with… I’m hoping to join drum circles again.  The drum troupe I was playing with the last time I was here is having practice on Tuesday next week and so I’ll go and see them too which I’m looking forward to playing with them and visiting with them again… great people!  I’m also wanting to figure out when I’m going to visit the guy who is an app builder who I want to ask questions about the difference between the capabilities of a website to an app… and he’s wanting to have a conversation to see if he can help.  But there is a conversation I ended up having with the romantic interest that I want to mention real quick… 

I’ve been trying to tell him that I’ve crossed over into the Awakening… he isn’t understanding what I’m saying and I”m trying to make it plain as day… and I think I finally got through to him but of course he doesn’t believe me.  Which again is understandable… but it was a good conversation and I said i’t’s not fair that I want to be so expressive and upfront with him… when normally I would take my time and see where he’s at before blabbing everything out.  But I also was thinking about how someone would feel when hearing this… well I can understand that holy shit this chick is crazy… but what if they actually question… what if she’s telling the truth?  What would go through their minds if they ask that question… should that make a difference?  Ideally I’d think it shouldn’t however I feel like there is a quite a bit of difference though.  I’m not sure what all I can express at this time… because I have gotten messages to not express my dreams at this time… and to hold off and so I’m guessing that’s with this forum and to anyone at this time… I just give bits and pieces and not the entire scope.  lol… not that I can get to the entire scope… I thought of a way to explain it but I think it’s to drastic for most to handle and I’d just have negative energy against my visions that I should just keep to myself and express things that people can find digestible.  But when it comes to a partner I want to have… what would it be like for them?  What was I thinking when I was telling him this and thoughts afterwards?  I was telling him there’s going to be huge changes.. and I have a feeling that monetary growth is going to be a part of this.. and I wonder why do I want a partner who would want to be engaged with me romantically before this happens?  Why do I want to make sure that the monetary concerns isn’t a part of the relationship that is such a factor to make or break us… In my mind… if we don’t connect or start to connect deeply romantically before than there’s something in my mind that will question the intentions behind motivations.  I mean… messages are changing and more strong lately… but it always seems this way too… but it does seem to be noticeable changing and deepening… and I’m almost to the point of allowing my higher self checkmating me.  No one will get this reference unless you’ve been reading from the beginning… but I know that eventually I want my higher self to check mate me… and instead of my higher self just doing it immediately… it slowly allows me to set myself up to be in the position of… yes I’m ready for transformation… I”m ready to receive and I’m ready to fly.  

It’s getting late and I’m trying to bullet my thoughts so I can give a bit of context of what went down… and so I do want to mention that I was helping store and inventory of the event equipment here.. and it looks like that have enough for around 140 people… he said that they had a 200 guest wedding there and so I was thinking about my 25 year reunion this year… and I think it would be a fun idea to have an adult summer camp for the reunion.  I just started thinking about this maybe with the past 30 hours.. but I was thinking that I could probably talk to my high school and see what I can do to rent a few buses for the event.  Our hometown is three hours away and I think it would be cool to get people back into the vibe of school days by taking a bus down to the hostel… even though I don’t drink… I was thinking of having a party bus feel but not crazy partying because i don’t really want to encourage sloppy drunkenness… I’m going to see how to legally do this.. but my bus driver actually had a son who graduated with me… and I think I’d talk to her and see if she has someone else she would refer to hire as the bus drivers for the event and invite them to join in on the festivities… I loved her and she’d have a blast.  I’m not sure if I’m going to allow a family event or adults only… I might even have one day for family and one for adults? I’m not sure.. but there are quite a bit of activities around this hostel and I think it would be a blast dropping of a bus of adults to different places and people could possibly have one drink an hour type of thing… again they can drink but not excessively and also say that we will ask them to leave the event if it gets out of hand.  I’m going to encourage not to bring your own alcohol.. but I’d like to pay for everything.. we’ll see if that’s what happens but I would love for everyone to come… they helped shaped our character and I appreciate all of them and they all played a role…and I’d love to celebrate and party with them.  I gave them options of where to go last time for our 15 year, but this time I’m just going to tell him that we’re going to go here… and then there are choices of what activities they want to participate in… it’s fun here at the hostel.. but yeah there’s diverse activities around as well.  I thought maybe I’d have a bus that would only stay one night in case people cannot stay the entire time… but I’d love to have the entire weekend with everyone and limit the vehicles that are on property… I want it to be whatever happens will stay there… and really see if we can relax and enjoy everyone’s company…. I’m really getting excited to plan this event out for everyone in our class.  I think the summer would be the best time to take advantage of the clay lagoon which is clothing optional… and the buses should be more available since it’s not during school sessions.  So anyway I just wanted to mention this so I don’t forget and be able to build on this… I’m wanting to send out a message soon to the class to give them a heads up that the plans are starting… and give them some dates to choose from so people have what six months to plan in advance and able to get time off and/or watch the kids.  But yes… I’m exhausted and cannot wait to melt when I get back home with Elvis… so I’m going to wrap this up… until next time… enjoy and have a great night… by the way I’m surprised I didn’t go into detail about the sex play…hehe… it was very fun… but I guess it’s something I don’t want to share… hmmm

[withinUverse]

Alright… I’m back at my pops house tonight… and it feels so good to be back with my cat Elvis… he is so happy to see me… and I could tell how much he was anxious without me there… and how relieved he is when I’m back here… I’m looking forward to giving him a bunch of attention while I’m back.  I left the hostel this morning to go back to Indy to participate in a drumming and dancing event… its a diversity drum circle where many cultures are represented and it was held at the global village and I hadn’t been to the new location and I really enjoyed the feel of the space… and so happy to be there and get the chance to visit with so many lovely people… I’m looking forward to spending some quality time with everyone… 

I’m pretty tired still so I don’t think I’ll be typing long but we’ll see how that goes… hehe… I just was sitting here and I started to notice that there was something I was missing from the week… I started to notice that I wasn’t getting triggered to extremes when I was dealing with this guy… I was wondering why am I being guided to share experiences with him and why him… and I started to remember the different times he was dealing with me… and I watched myself not being triggered and actually thankful that he was addressing the things on his mind.  One was a direct conversation and one was indirectly but I had received a message to not overreact and I wasn’t sure what that meant but I didn’t overreact because it wasn’t making me offensive… hehe… it was cool to recognize this… I really could see how much growth I’m receiving right now… but this wasn’t so clear until I was sitting here playing a game… and so let’s see what these two situations were… so I was left alone at the farmhouse for a few days… and I loved it because I had projects to work on… when I started I was probably seeding him because I heard him saying that he doesn’t trust people easily.. and I made a comment on the group chat to the likes of… oh man… it’s going to be dangerous leaving me alone in the farmhouse… I was joking around because I was given a job to use the putty to patch up holes left from the staff through the season and to repaint the walls when needed… and so I started to do this… and it’s an old farmhouse which is being well used and so it the furniture the entire space… and so I wanted to take the time to pay attention to the space.  There was one room which had a hole cutout of the wall and had a blanket over it.  And since I had been working at the manager’s house I knew we had material for me to cover the hole and not allow the air to come through… so they like to take pictures of what we are doing towards the job.. and when I sent the first message I also sent a picture of the patches I was doing in the a few rooms… and then I sent the picture of patching the hole… and the response was… oh I hope that’s easy to remove because that’s going to be a window… it was a summer project that didn’t get finished but the room is so hot so having a window will be nice…. But since it’s going to be shut down for winter… then it’s not a bad idea to cover it up… and I said yes it’s easy to remove… and so I continued… it was time to start painting and I was supposed to use the paint color warm Carmel… but I couldn’t find that particular color… there were several colors and some with a lot of paint but I asked if I should use the colors we already have or should I go buy the warm Carmel… and it was said to go and buy the particular shade.  I was supposed to go to Walmart to grab the paint and it was late so I was going to buy it and he’d just reimburse me.  So I went and they didn’t have that color… there was spray paint with that color but not interior paint… so I found a similar color and asked if I should buy transcend instead?  And he said that it would be fine but to get two gallons so the rooms can be universal in color.  And so I did and I started to paint that night… the next day in the mid day the manager came over to see what I was doing… he said that the founder asked him to check up on me… he’s afraid that I wasn’t doing the job he was asking me to do… and that I was trying to fix things that wasn’t asked of me… but when he saw me he saw that I was painting and that I had two rooms almost done.. and he said… well… it looks like you’re doing what he asked so cool… I’ll let him know.  And I got a message from him saying that he’s grateful of all the love I’m showing the farmhouse right now… and I hearted his message… for a second i wanted to think… well why would he think that I wasn’t going to do what he wanted… and then I started to chuckle… and I said… well honestly it’s not like I didn’t think about doing much more than what he asked… hehe… I could see many things that I would do to fix up the space and get it ready but I decided to just focus on what he asked for because I didn’t have months to do all the things I would do… so I chuckled that intuitively he knew that I might have that tendency to do extra without permission and he’s true… and I’m more of a type to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.  But I also had a feeling of how I work with the hoarders in my life… I can only do so much change before it’s really uncomfortable… and so I was thinking about that when I was painting and patching… there are three colors used in the rooms and I only focused on the two which was the transcend and white… the black walls which are the chalk walls I didn’t touch because it had writings and drawings on them… and they seemed very nice and hostel like and showed personality… and so I decided to not patch or paint those walls and I’m glad I didn’t because I think it helped him not have too many changes… I’m noticing me wanting to care and pay more attention to spaces while I’m there… they are getting well used and I feel grateful to have these spaces to have and experience inside them and with so many people and activities going on that sometimes they get a little neglected and so I really enjoy caring for them… and yes I wanted to spend even more time.. but it’s not my place to do so… even though I was thinking how would I treat this space if it was my space…and so it’s finding a balance right now.  But yes… I could see in the past getting all worked up about him not trusting me to do what he asked… but I thought it was funny he read me so well… but I gained a little bit of his trust because I was doing what he asked and the rooms look great and now they are all universal in color which they were not before.  

And the second time that seemed like it would be a good time to get triggered… I handled it pretty well… he was being honest with me and he said he wasn’t sure if he was going to say something to me or not… but he thinks I might have a deodorant issue… hehe… and he started out by saying… are you the type who likes to be told if I have broccoli in my teeth type of person… I said ummm yeah…and then he was being very hesitant and then I said holy shit what?  And then he said it… and I didn’t really know how to respond at that moment but I told him that I’m glad he said something.  And I did feel a bit embarrassed that he said it… but again… a little bit later we were able to talk about it more… I told him that I did kind of warn everyone how I can get fixated on projects… I was by myself and there was one day I didn’t eat at all and then I kept getting up at 4ish in the morning to continue working because it was on my mind to get everything done… I wasn’t only working on the farmhouse I was also working at the manager’s house… and since I was sleeping at the farmhouse I could work on it night and early mornings… and so I was getting fixated… I could see myself doing it and I was trying to adjust but I wish I could do better but I wasn’t where I wish to be.  But I was only bathing about every other day.  I told him he surprised me when he wanted to make out with me too… yeah I did not take a shower before this session because I really didn’t think he was interested in me in that way really.  It felt like he was treating me like everyone else.. and so I wish I had a clue that it was something he’d be interested in because yeah I would be better prepared… and I wouldn’t have approached this time to be a work week… I was getting paint on all my clothes and in my hair and I was waking up doing things over and over again… and so I was wearing myself out… when he said this to me… early that day in the meeting I said my ambition was to take a bath and rest for the entire afternoon… that’s what I knew I wanted because I wasn’t taking care of myself and wanted the afternoon to pamper myself.  I mean we had group activities that didn’t give me the entire afternoon to myself but I did finally get an hour and a half to take a bath but I didn’t care if I was going to be late to the meeting… there’s so many schedules and I was putting so much on my plate that I didn’t want to miss meetings but when I take a bath and relax I want to take my time at it and not have to set a watch to make it to a meeting… hehe… yes I know I can be a bit spoiled but I like to spoil myself.  And by the way… I did not go into this much detail when I was talking to him… but it’s the journaling process to express myself fully.  But I even told him that I’m out of practice of trying to attract a partner as well… I’ve been trying to do the opposite and repel partners… hehe… he laughed and said I’m too pretty and nice to be able to do this… and I said well it’s not like I want to do this… I was just afraid to have to tell guys all the time that I wasn’t interested in them sexually… and so yes I’m not the best at being aware of my odors… but also it’s really a slow process for me to get use to a space and community too.  It’s the third weekend for me to go and volunteer and visit and this is the first time I slept inside the farmhouse with the staff… I’m starting to get more comfortable so I’m opening and using more of the items there… an example is the kitchen equipment… it feels like I’m in a new space that isn’t mine so I don’t just go and act like this is my stuff to use… but eventually I’ll feel like it’s a space that is allowing me to do this.  I mean they have a washer and dryer and this is the first time that I used it… this time I could see myself getting more comfortable and feeling like I can be a community member here.  But anyway… bottom line is I want to smell good and I want to be attractive… and I’ll get better at this.  So yeah… I was appreciative that he said something.. but I also was wondering if he took into consideration anything in context… it’s not like I was like this the other two times that I was here… I didn’t put that much responsibility on my plate and took much more time away from working and I am able to take baths and showers and it’s not a problem… so I was wondering if he noticed there might’ve been something different this time.  Maybe not… but it was interesting how he acted once I was back from my shower though too.  

So we had already talked about the whole breakup sex thing with the scarves and rawness… and I thought it would be funny if I wore one of those scarves I mentioned… so I took a bath and was smelling fresh and clean… I put on even a little pheromone perfume and then I added a scarf around my neck… I was curious if he was going to say anything but when I got back to the farmhouse… I just made it back for the meeting which was the gratitude circle before dinner with a minute to spare… whew… which by the way is how most people arrive with a minute to spare or a few minutes after… but I made it and we did the circle and ate… and instead of him wanting to be closer… it seemed like he wanted to be farther away… but it did seem like he was also watching me more though too… so I’m not sure what was going on in his mind.  I ended up giving the anniversary couple their second dance lesson and I was in deep with them because I absolutely love getting lovers closer together… I guess he was trying to get my attention before he left… but I didn’t know he was going to be leaving the farmhouse.. I thought he was just going to be staying in one of the rooms again.. but I got a message when I was done that said he tried to get my attention… I said well why didn’t you just come and get me?  I asked if he would enjoy a little snuggling tonight and promising I won’t make noise so none of the staff which was one girl would become an audience… and that’s when he said that he left to go to his home.  And I said oh.. ok… well I guess another time then… and this is when I really started to ask what the hell am I doing with this guy… why in the hell am I guided to explore this situation.. why is my body getting all squirmish and getting messages on how to approach this relationship… this is when I really said that I need to move this into a friendship zone for right now.  I was trying to tell him this a few nights before because it just felt like we were connecting in a way… but nothing deep which again is understandable because he’s processing his breakup still… but this is not what I want from a romantic partner… I want to be romanced… I want to actually date… and that’s not what is happening… and since it’s not… I just want to approach it as a friendship… in fact today I even noticed that I don’t even want to approach a professional relationship with him right now.  

I was talking to my girl friend and my dad… and it was really apparent to me that I was getting along with the guests far more than expected… but that was because we really were interested in getting to know one another… we found time to have conversations with the two nights they were staying.   They were curious about me and I was curious about them… it was a mutual curiousness.. and I’m not finding that with him right now.  it seems like majority of the time he gets to hear me express it’s in these group setting in meetings when he asks great questions for the group to answer which have been amazing questions and great ways to get to know one another… but this seems to be the only time we’ve had to have deep conversation… we had a moment of an hour together where i was the squirmy girl… and we had a conversation after we had our make out session.. but even that one I initiated the conversation because it was something i wanted to address because of the importance it is to my life and how I live that I didn’t think he was comprehending… but yeah because he speaks indirectly to me… I find that that’s how I speak to him indirectly…. Through speaking with people around me… and that’s why I felt like he was watching much more at dinner and afterwards… because I think he noticed how comfortable I was with this anniversary couple… and again they loved to ask me questions that I could answer and ask them questions… and that’s when I asked if I could partner up with them in the sponsorship of their festival in front of him.  I mention that I think we can work professionally together… but he’s never asked what I’ve meant by this.  I feel like he thinks that I’m talking about being a laborer for him… and yeah I’m good at laboring but that’s not what I’m talking about… and since he hasn’t really brought this up… I feel like I’m pulling that off the table for now too… hehe… Again I hope we can work to friendship, professional, and romantic… but we need to just start at friendship… there’s too many red flags for me to jump into romance and professional…. We need time and space… and I’d like to see how this goes for us.  

I haven’t told him this is the move I’m making right now… but I will… he’s able to express his thoughts about me… and so I want to express my thoughts towards him as well. Did I say that I thought originally I was going to be going back the weekend after Thanksgiving with my girl friend?  Well I was thinking about this … but I’ve decided to return the weekend after… yeah I think I did mention this… but I spoke to her and told her because I think it would be nice to just spend a few days as friends instead of staff… we’ll obviously volunteer some hours.. but just the three hours that’s required and nothing more.  And yeah… there’s going to be a dinner party and I want to see who ends up showing… it’s the manager’s friends so I’m curious to see who shows up and looking forward to the conversations.  I have a feeling that it might be possible once the hostel closes that there might be differences in our relationship and how we communicate… but maybe not… time will tell.  But yeah… I wanted to get this out since I was thinking about it.  My cat is laying on my chest snoring and its so soothing… I want to sleep as well.  So I’ll leave it like this for now… until next time… enjoy and good night 

[withinUverse]

Ok… good morning… I had a series of weird dreams and it took me on a trip of my mind and how it works sometimes still… and it’s interesting… and it also reminded me of another area that I was thinking of when it comes to this specific location and when I’m observing him.  So… let’s start off with the dream I first had that my mind was subconsciously thinking of… so I was at a shared hostel setting but it wasn’t really the same space as it is in the physical reality but it seemed like nothing was really unusual.  It was like it was just a normal day there… well it was more like a normal evening.  We were making dinner together… I’m not sure i feel like it was just the two of us cooking and it was he and I but it felt like it was just four of us that we were cooking for.  So it felt like it was the two of us, the nineteen year old girl and the manager.  geesh before I continue… I guess I should mention that I did get a message before I slept that there are some messages that are standing out to me and it’s hard to explain but I did have one message that I heard days back about being part of a community that might have something hidden going on and it seemed to imply that it was something that isn’t the healthiest… so I heard this and I still remembered it… but right before sleeping I also received another message that said that I shouldn’t have an emotional reaction and that I should use more logic than emotion… and so this was sticking out to me as well.. and it felt like these two messages were coming up once I had this dream… so let’s continue… So we finished dinner and we placed the plates onto the table and we were going to get the other two so they knew that it was time for dinner.  He went to get the girl and I went to get the manager… and I don’t really remember talking to the manager it seemed like he was around the space and he was somewhat there… but not really present just a sense he was around and he was waiting around like I was to wait for the other two to join us.  And then I started to notice what I was thinking… he was gone for a long time and I hadn’t seen the young girl… and I started to think that oh my goodness… he keeps my relationship secret… so what’s to stop him to keep many other relationships secret as well…. And so I started to think that maybe when he is gone for a long time that he’s having make out sessions with someone else… and so I remember thinking of my goodness I hope this isn’t the case but I started to walk to the young girls room and as I was opening the girls door I was hoping that I wasn’t going to see what I was about to walk into… I was hopeful that it was all in good nature… but I opened the door and called out her name and I saw him and the young girl in bed together and moving away from one another and I said oh no… I can’t believe this… and she was a little flustered and I said… she’s only nineteen… you’re in your mid forties… this is not right… and I started to walk out… and I heard him say something and I turned back around to talk again and I asked… did you just say that I’m acting like this because I’m jealous… and he said yes… and I was like… holy shit what’s going on here and I started to feel like I had to run away from this community and I started to feel like he wasn’t a safe space any longer and I felt like I was in danger.  As I was running away I heard her say I can’t believe she just opened my door what if I was taking a bath or something… and I just kept running until I got to my room.  I was in a room that had a door but it didn’t have a lock and it was a sliding door but for some reason there was a sliding curtain thing that was there too and there was a hook thing on the wall so I was rigging it so it was going to be really hard to open up the sliding doors… I was thinking that he was going to try to stop me from leaving… and after I got it closed and somewhat locked I looked around and saw a window that was high on the wall and I climbed up and saw that I was able to fit out of the window to escape if anyone was going to try to break in.  I was looking at all my belongings and I thought how am I going to take everything… and I was thinking just get away who cares if you take anything with me… and right about this time I woke up.  

And I was laying there… and I was like ok?  What the hell does this mean?  I did feel like the character in the dream wanted to be emotional and my body in my bed was fairly calm but as I was laying there it started to get a little uncomfortable… I was wondering what the hell… is there some type of sexual distortion going on?  Is he using this space to sexually exploit his deviant sexual pleasures?  Is this another fucking situation where I found some type of crazy sex scandal?  And then I started to question why in the hell has my body been communicating in a manner that I assumed was a potential romantic partner… was it squirming because it actually noticed that there was something off about this man?  So I noticed this was going on but I was also tired… and I kept remember to not be emotional and be more logical…and I ended up falling back to sleep and I remembered the dreams that followed… which again help to put the first one in better context for me.  And I don’t remember them in such a huge detail but I kept waking up at different moments for me to recontextualize.  My dreams went back to my classmates… so it was with people that I’m fairly comfortable with… and I’m more accepting of who they are and possible lessons they are learning… and so there was one buddy of mine who was with me and I started to have dreams of him wanting to be violent with guns involved…. And in the dream… I again wasn’t being emotionally moved but I woke up and was like… ok… this is not the character of my buddy… even though he has guns… he’s not going to be using them to murder people in a crazy frenzy… so to me it showed me that my dreams and mind can show me unconscious thoughts and depending on how familiar I am with people will see whether I start to allow my mind to go on tangents of neverending avalanche of thoughts of uncertaininty and distrust… but with this old buddy of mine it was right away to notice that mind dismissed the dream and was like… that isn’t him.  So I started to calm down about the potential romantic partner I’m dealing with… I’m still getting to know him… and there’s a part of me who is scared that I might be choosing someone who isn’t the best for me.  It’s challenging for me to want to surrender to a relationship where I’m not trying to keep an escape route… just in case…  I’ve been mentioning this while I’ve been expressing is how I have a foot in and a foot out just in case… and that it takes a while to feel comfortable in a space and around a community… it’s like a fear response of flight… that this would be my way to leave if I’m not feeling comfortable… and I’ve been in several situations where I feel like I find myself in what could be considered toxic and I use to not care of my personal safety and stayed in these situations until I was experience the toxicity before I realized it was time to leave… it’s like I didn’t really want to believe that the toxicity was going on… and when I started to notice this… I went to the extreme of leaving at the drop of a dime… but again I continue to find a balance and at times I realize that I can judge a situation fairly early and I start to remember the messages I get and that at times I just want to leave but there’s something for me to experience and learn from… so I should be patient and see what I’m not seeing past my original judgement.  A good example is the temple farm… there was quite a bit of resistance while I was there… but I also gained so much insight and found a community that I enjoyed… granted I felt restricted in expressing myself authentically and being accepted however I see the potential and it was a safe space even though it can use a little more work to make it a great safe space.  But this community and space… it was fairly soon to the space that I felt like it was a safe space. 

My body is responding to this safe space and I’m starting to have break through moments and I really do want to feel comfortable because I can see how I can stop holding myself from full expression of who I am… and I understand this… but again I can still notice the subtle moments of my mind still not wanting to trust my own feelings… and questioning if my judgements are accurate… am I trying to make the situation something that it’s not.  I had some continued dreams of my classmates.. I guess it’s because I’ve been thinking about my reunion… but people started to come to me as if we were in a dream space… where they were asking me for help… and I was able to move around easier to get what they wanted more quickly as well… I just don’t have many distractions and high degrees of focus and clarity when someone needed something… I would be able to go and get it done… and it was as if I wasn’t questioning what the needs are that they were asking for… I remember there was one guy who was asking me to get him drugs.. and I found myself getting it for him and not flinching… and I’m not like this when I’m in the waking world… but yeah even who I am in my dream can be skewed to the image people may have on me… and this kind of reminds me right now… that the potential partner also doesn’t really understand my psychedelic choice of spiritual practices.  He had used the word drug when it came to Aya and so I understand that this is something unconsciously he doesn’t really have a direct experience with psychedelics to see it far more than a drug.  But using the word drug also implies that he doesn’t trust this way either… and so I can see h im not wanting to trust me either because of the choices I make.  Just being more empathetic of doubts he is processing when he’s getting to know me better as well… I feel like I want to have more time with him in private to get to know one another better… but I also noticed that I can show who I am when we aren’t together privately as well 

An example is when I was left alone at the farmhouse…. He actually started to see the actions I choose when I’m by myself… this communicates a lot that I wouldn’t be able to show if we were together… I am struggling trying to participate in a community dynamic and it’s a bit chaotic for me with so much activity and what I feel like there is so many distractions that its challenging for me to focus… but he’s been able to observe how I move in a space and speak with people when I’m comfortable again which tells more about how I am then just a one on one conversation together… and so… it’s been a blessing that we haven’t had so much one on one time together to gain a better understanding… especially of how I behave in this style of moving in life… this isn’t necessarily what I’m drawn to and so observing this should be giving him intel… and he’s intelligent and very intuitive… but I also want to continue to remind him that I’m still working on getting comfortable moving in this manner…and I’m adjusting but this isn’t what I’ve chosen to live in recently… so… right now this is a good move to not have so much one on one time… we’re still trying to see if we’re actually safe people to be around.  As much as I’d love to have one on one time… not to rush this has been a blessing and giving us feedback that is necessary to hopefully want to take down our walls and feel safe to express vulnerably… in depths that we haven’t experienced yet.  But we haven’t gotten to this stage in our relationship yet… and this is perfectly fine.  I’m already wondering how I’m going to manage all the people and projects that I’ve been getting introduced to just by being in Indiana for almost two months.  It’s exciting but I also feel like how am I going to balance my own energies?  How am I not going to drain myself because of how excited I am… I see that I’m aware of this… so it’s not going to go to extrémeme as far as I would go before…but still I think I’m taking it farther than I’d like… I feel like I want o rest for the next few days because I’m just so exhausted from laboring so much last week.  A lot of the projects I’m wanting to move forward with won’t be laboring… and so I feel like I’d much rather work on these projects right now.  They’re also skills I’m wanting to build so it’s also more attractive to me.  

So… the insight I gained while I’ve been observing this community and also the founder.  I started to almost categorize communities that I deal with into specialties… I was feeling like this is a wonderful place for youthful energies… which makes sense since this falls right into line of his mission of this space.  It’s a sandbox, playground, summer camp vibes to remind the importance of play and youthfulness to balance our lives… and I am drawn to have more play in my life as well.. but I do find myself wondering if being in the space for too long will support me to go too far in the play mode… but again this will be my lesson to balance out.  But there has been wonderful youth that I’ve met here and again the category of play and youth seems to be apparent here and I really thought this is a great place for connecting with the youth which I haven’t found in the communities that I’ve found thus far.  I’m sharing space with the youth here… and as much as it’s not what I”m use to… but I’m enjoying it so much… and I really enjoy watching him as well when dealing with the youth… I don’t have much context but this young girl at the hostel has been wonderful to see them play as brother and sister…. Her grandmother wanted her to look into this hostel to see if it could be beneficial for her at the time and she started to do the monthly interviews… and finallly the founder invited her to join the community and he travels a lot and was around her area and offered to pick her up to take to the hostel.  She’s been here since September and now she’s wanting to go towards her next adventure.  She wasn’t sure where to go… she was trying to apply for ski resorts and did a few interviews… but she found a volunteer opportunity for the hurricane victims in Asheville… and so she was far more motivated to go there.  So he is helping her get to this destination… she didn’t have a car or a license… so he’s purchase a car for her where she will be paying him back for it.  She needs to get a license so she needs to get temporary work to pay for this… and he placed a post on FB where people were wanting to help her out and offered her opportunities to make some money… this is why I was left alone for sometime… he was taking her to the different positions… some came and picked her up to… but he’s trying to show her what steps can be taken to get what you want in life.  He’s taken her out four times to learn how to drive… I was with them the last time and it was so sweet to watch them… and how nervous she was… I was  trying to get her to relax because of the way she was carrying herself there was so much tension throughout her body… but she didn’t want to relax.. she was going to take it seriously and wants to do a good job in front of him.. so yeah… I’ve really enjoyed watching this aspect of him and what he’s been creating in his community… And I can recognize this… and any subconscious doubt that is trickling in… is my lessons of trust and not his problem… I don’t want it to be a problem either… so I’m grateful that I went through this rollercoaster last night… ok… I’m still laying in bed typing… but I’m actually still tired… so I’m going to sleep for another few hours before getting up.  It was fresh in my mind and wanted to remember… but.. until next time… enjoy ourselves

[withinUverse]

Hehe… I already started to type but it seems like I have to start all over.  Well… I’m going to attempt to be a romantic novelist and try to share the setting of a shared sexual play I had the opportunity to share.  I was given consent to share so why not share some juiciness… I was a bit bewildered but swept up in excitement and curiosity I would love to see how I would express this.  So… let’s give it a go… ok 

 

 

The farmhouse was filled with warmth and giggles.  I was hunkered down next to the wood stove adding to the fire.  My girl friend snuggling up with her blankets while lounging on the couch.  As he starts to walk up the creaky stairs he calls my name and asks me to show him what I’ve been working on these past few days.  I finish arranging the wood and close the door to the stove and start my accent up the creaky stairs following him down the hall.  We enter the last room on the right.  This is where he usually sleeps when he stays here at the farmhouse.  I showed him where I patched up the small and large holes and added a new coat of paint on each wall.  I knew he would be returning, so I made his bed once I got all the furniture back into place.  I said I finished the room next door as well.  This room is the bunk room which has four twin beds which is for the work traders who come to visit.  I was turned toward the back wall and window babbling about the Japanese beetles who have found their way into the room and found heat in the corner of the walls.  And I feel his strong hands caress my hips.  I stop babbling and before I could do or think of anything else; he swiftly turns my body where we are face to face.  He brings my body close to his and my hands intuitively goes from hanging loosely to my sides to bracing myself on his chest and shoulders.  As I slowly lift up my eyes to meet his… his hands are synchronized with my movements… rising up my spine which is delightfully ticklish.  My chin rises up and my head is thrown back with a huge smile on my face.  He catches the back of my head with his fingers tangling into my hair.  I hear an enticing moan as he brings his mouth close to my neck.  Not to kiss but to exhale a foggy breath of heat and moisture and moves up to my ear where I can hear him moan again.  I reciprocate with my own moan of approval.  His grip in my hair massages my head and slightly pulls my roots and every hair on my body rises to attention.  

 

Wow… ok… this is happening.. I start to think… and as he continues to maneuver his mouth around my body not to kiss but to tease and I stop thinking.  We stand together in the middle of the room allowing our hands to roam and explore one another’s body… we exchange moans and tones of excitement, consent, and desire for what’s more to come?  We were in a dance of teasing and starting to allow kisses on our necks… maybe on the forehead or a nose or a chin… it was now the tease of not kissing mouth to mouth.  Again I feel his hands on my hips and he firmly pushes my body up against the wall.  He closes in and compresses his body onto mine and moves my hands up above my head… and continues to move my hair away from my face.  He’s moving confidently and smoothly… I’m finding myself just riding the wave of bewildered bliss.  He has now grabbed under my thighs lifting me off the ground and taking us to one of the beds.  He sits down and places me on his lap while I wrap my legs around him.  My body is speaking her own language in this position.  Squeezing his body and arching my back and small slow rotations of my hips… my eyes are looking at him in a manner to question how far are we going to take this right now?  We’re both smiling knowing wherever it goes… it will be fun!  

 

We make our way to his bedroom and get even more comfortable lying on his fuzzy blankets on our skin.  He lies down first and has his arm out for me to fit right in next to his side.  I don’t hesitate and crawl right into place only for a moment until I want to straddle his body.  He has given me a lot of his attention and so I wanted to reciprocate and he allowed me to roam and explore and tease him for awhile… licking, nibbling, and biting… all while allowing my body to speak her own language of curiosity and interest.  He gives me time, but he wants to take over again and this time he slowly removes the long-sleeved shirt I have on with little splatters of paint on it.  He observes my nude breasts for a moment before licking, nibbling, and biting in such a pleasurable and exciting manner.  Holy shit he’s good… holy shit!  I get the chance to take his shirt off too so I can press and rub our partially nude bodies against one another.  He rotates the breath of heat and moisture to the licking and blowing cool air… goosebumps and tingles everywhere… and I’m trying to keep up and return the favors.  He suddenly stops and says wait… he grabs his phone and sets an alarm.  We’re supposed to be cooking dinner for the staff and guest tonight.  Whatever we are doing… we’re going to have to stop and go cook.  We had about 20 minutes left before the alarm will go off.  

 

He gently pushes me so I’m laying down on my back and he grabs my legs.  He’s moving and arranging them in several positions and starts to lick my toes and massaging my feet.  I cannot help but giggle aloud.  My arms are to my sides caressing his thighs and tracing over his member and he folds my legs on top of me.  He’s lying on top of my calves and knees to my chest and in a split second he removes my black tights with paint splattered on my knees.  Well alrighty then, sir… time is not pressuring his artful process of seduction.  He begins with heat on my vagina… I am squirming with excitement and he penetrates my pussy with his fingers… his mouth is slowly making his way up my body to my breasts as he continues to penetrate…  I’m so wet with pleasure I can hear my juices as he going in and out.  His mouth slowly makes his way down… and my body is trying to stay calm as he starts to lick… flicking my lips… yeeessss… oh yessss!  He gets in deeper and my body arches and my hands find his hands to grip tightly.  He removes one of his hands so he can alternate from licking, blowing cool air and penetration… my knees are bent and I push my pelvis up off the bed and start to turn my body as I pulsate my hips around his head and the alarm sounds… holy shit… are you kidding me?  I turn completely over and lay on my stomach with my face in the blankets.  Holy fucking shit… ok… we agreed that we need to cook dinner when we hear the alarm, but I’m moving very slowly and hesitantly and even in a bit of a pouty demeanor.  Really?  I make it to my knees and as he’s getting dressed he continues to play with me.  I whisper that I’m going… I’m getting there… and I finally get to my clothes to put back on.  Our eyes are fully of satisfaction and yearning… this will have to continue after dinner.  

 

I’m following him back down the creaky stairs into the kitchen.  My girl friend pops up off the couch and asks if we need help cooking dinner.  And I’m like yes please do… I’m a ball of mush right now and I cannot think straight.  I had already decided we were going to make breakfast for dinner… so pancakes, bacon, and eggs.  He takes over the pancakes and adds an egg, vegetable oil, cinnamon, and nutmeg to the basic batter.  She looks at me and chuckles and said… i can do the eggs… what vegetables do we have and what kind of cheese?  So yes… I know where things are at and I need to help her find them… I really am not in a clear mind right now… I’m extremely overwhelmed and unable to concentrate.  Acclimating myself out of the bedroom into the kitchen with another person who has no clue… well she has a little clue… hehe of what just went down upstairs.  But I finally realized that I’m going to be in charge of the bacon.  Ok this is the easiest part of this meal… so come on… get yourself together.  We’re all sharing laughter and cooking together while the manager makes his way to the farmhouse to join us.  Everything was a bit fuzzy and I found moments to tell him this and he giggles and says that’s exactly what he was going for.  We have gratitude circle and all I can remember is saying my name and I’m from the world of la la-woo haa land… and because of that I’m unable to think straight and I’m just so grateful the Universe has attracted this moment to experience right now.  We eat and again we find ourselves in his bed snuggling.  

 

Before we get heated I start to suggest something I want to try.  In our break I’m wondering if I’m ready to have sexual intercourse tonight or not… so I want to try to slow it down a bit.  I start by saying that I use to give myself self body massages from head to toe.  I’ve always wanted to try this with my partner where we mirror one another while we massage each other head to toe.  He asked how do we do this and we both chuckle when I said I don’t know… I haven’t tried it before, but we’ll figure it out.  And so he said that I already gave him a foot massage before and so he wants to return the favor.  So he starts to massage my feet and I said… well.. I’m going to mirror you so I’m going to massage your feet again as well.  He starts to suck on my toes and I started to do the same sucking on his toes.  He massages my feet and I’m trying to mirror his every action he does to my body I return at the same time on his body.  He said well it looks like you’re going to let me lead the direction…and I said I can do both lead and follow, but it feels appropriate to follow right now.  And we continued to massage and mirror.  I’m sitting on his lap facing him as we massage and scratch our scalp and hair… and move to his ears, his temple, and his chin… his neck and shoulders.  He then said that there’s moves he’d like to do that I won’t be able to mirror… so we’re going to have to go back and forth.  He starts to massage my arms and pushing pressure points to loosen my muscles.  He notices and remarks how I don’t seem to hold much tension in my body.  I remark that I’m not a person who gets tense much anymore.  He does a series of massages and stretches and he starts to increase the sexiness and I stop him so I can return the favor before we get heated up again.  Trying to remember his sequence but end up doing my version of what I remember and just find myself wanting to give his body attention and affection.  I’m so grateful to be sharing this experience with him.  And I hope he understands how thankful I am for this opportunity.  

 

We get heated up and I start to move to his pants and undo his belt and take off his pants.  It takes me more than a split second to remove his pants.  And now I’m going to return the favor of going down on him.  I love licking around his member and creases in his thighs and hips…. I place his member in my mouth and move my throat up and down slowly over his member.  Rotating my tongue in circles around his member while rotating my mouth.  Soft sucking to more intense sucking… deep throating to focusing on his member’s head… I’m also trying to keep in the manner he has been playing in our session so it was more of a teasing manner.  I spit on my hand to lather up slippery hands to jack off his member while I lick and suck his balls.  He positions me so he can reciprocate and we enjoy time sucking and licking one another.  I really enjoy fellatio.  I even thought maybe I would be able to get him off in this manner, but he seemed to not be ready to finish at this time.  He repositions me so he can focus on going down on me and I can feel myself wanting to explode.  As he gets me squirting he inserts his penis inside my vagina and we finally connect and penetrate deeply.  We waited so long and it was much more satisfying delaying our satisfaction.  We’re also sharing deep kisses mouth to mouth by this time and it’s hot and rewarding.  I’m toning and moaning with absolute delight and he whispers if I keep it up… he’s going to cum.  I assume he didn’t want to yet and so I apologized but I couldn’t stop myself of voicing my pleasure and shortly he cums inside.  He said we should have probably talked about this before we started, but he has gotten a vasectomy and didn’t think it would be an issue to cum inside.  And I was thankful that was the case and admitted how much I really enjoy the act of ejaculation inside of me.   So… this is what I’ve been waiting to experience for all these years of celibacy.  Interesting?  It was exactly what I was looking for without knowing what I was looking for.  

[withinUverse]

OK…. So… it seems like every time I go somewhere I get more motivation to add more projects onto my list… hehe… so… I’ve gotten messages to allow space in my schedule.  And I want to… I love spontaneity… and I love to contribute because these are all areas I want to build upon.  So where to start.  I went to a djembe troupe practice last night.  I love being part of their group… my hands were throbbing with energy and I love it!  It feels so good to be connected and creating such powerful vibrations with a group.  It’s normally three women and two men who are the usuals… and I make four women… but there were two other men who joined us last night.  One of them has a music studio in a neighboring city.  He hosts impromptu jams for beginners.  He says he teaches in a unique way and I’ll get a taste of that next Monday.  I don’t have to own an instrument.  They are provided and it’s encouraged to play instruments that we aren’t use to playing.  So it’s getting out of our comfort zone and try new things while everyone there is doing the same thing.  he told me to come early and he’ll show me around and get me acclimated to his approach to teaching music.  So I’ve got that on my schedule and looking forward to it.  So yes… one of the main areas I want to focus on is what I’ve been wanting to gain skills in… music!  It was so powerful and fulfilling when I was hearing the music at the drum circle that weekend with strangers playing around the fire.  I can notice it when we are doing a free style drumming.  People start to play a rhythm and I start to hear a beat that compliments the rhythm.  In this state it’s not exactly how it felt when i was drumming around the fire… i heard a melody that I was trying to drum but I didn’t know how to drum it on the steel drum I was holding and so I just started singing it.  I could hear it and I just used my voice as the rhythm… and in between the rhythm there were spaces to add lyrics but I didn’t have the lyrics yet… just the understanding that there is space to have it.  And one day it will come.  The night I was drumming with them around the fire I took a half a hit of marijuana which I know helps my mind quiet down and just flow with the music… and I want to be able to get there without using marijuana which I know is going to happen as well.  When I’m in ceremony with Aya… it just happens… I mean it can be complete silence and then music just becomes the space.  It overcomes me and it sounds so different each time I sing.  it isn’t a build up it just exists and whatever the energy is… that’s where it is… I feel it and actually I already start to sing before I get the nuisance of the mood that is being shared.  I guess that’s just how ceremony goes for the most part… when I’m helping someone I’m the vessel and I get moved to be in that space and while I’m moving I get more context of why… but I don’t even care of the why most of the time… I just understand it’s what is and it’s perfect in that moment.  Ceremony is becoming Reality… however in this state of consciousness… its a bit delayed… I can observe how it shows up and how I work with it until it’s just there and I want to express it.  It’s different but I enjoy this too… It’s happening where it will just come but it’s a process in this degree of consciousness… but I want to integrate musicality everywhere I go.  And so it’s nice to see that opportunities are here and be able to explore this more.  I’m very excited about it.  It makes me wish I had instruments to play with… I have my flute and traveling drum… so I play but not as much as I think I would… maybe it’s the addition of having people to play with?  But I also get inspired at times… just like the song breakdown that I kept hearing and finally I was like I can play this… and found videos to put together and finally I was like I want to sing this to him… and it came very easily to add it to the movements.  It was only a few days and I was able to do this because I was inspired.  I get that way when I”m drawing, painting, sewing… when I’m inspired nothing stops me from expressing myself.  

I keep thinking about the number 4… The summer I got back from Peru and I was in Colorado looking for an ashram… I had the number 4 appear to me… it kept changing shapes… well it was always a number 4 but the material kept changing… anyway… I didn’t know what it meant and I remember that I said I hope it’s not 4 years before I return to the jungle.  Time is weird for me… but has it only been two years since I seen this?  It seems like it’s been forever ago… but it’s only been two years, yeah… and so I have two more years… to what?  It took me four years of conscious spiritual work to experience the Awakening… maybe it’s going to take me four years for my consciousness to get acclimated into this state… I continue to feel like I’ve got the hang of it.. but it starts to pickup again… so I have to continue to ground myself.  

Oh my goodness… My little buddy… he is so stinkin adorable… I feel so bad because he’s been literally attached to my hip and my stomach and my shoulders… hehe… he won’t get off of me for long.  Watching him react to me being gone for days at a time… I was gone for a week last time and he is not dealing with it well…. I’m thinking it’s because he’s here at my dad’s place.  I’m not sure but this isn’t the place for him to stay long periods of time alone.  He will drive himself mad.  I don’t like leaving him behind either.  I keep meeting people who live in their vehicles… and I’m thinking that might be the move I’ll be making here shortly.  There are situations that don’t want me to have a cat and if we have our own space that we can take with us… he’ll be able to be with me but can stay in our vehicle if he has to…. We can find areas where he can get out and explore… he loves that and I love that for him too.  I love loving on him too… he’s my little guy and we’re just a pair.  

I keep on thinking about specific visions I got of people lately too… especially two of them… the one where I’m walking up to a fire with a group of people already there and there is a young man… I don’t know I”m not good with ages… but he’s like in his twenties and he’s wearing a toboggan and we recognize one another and he nods his head.  I guess the other vision that keeps coming up to mind is not of a person… it seems like I was in a room and on a bed and there’s a fan on and there seems to be a red light on… and I watch Elvis walking in front of the fan on the bed walking towards me.  I have a feeling like it’s during a ceremony… they keep coming up and I keep thinking that these are going to be in the States… I don’t know whether they are or not but it gets me thinking that if I have two more years left… maybe it’s two years left in the States and another reason why living in a vehicle continues to come up… maybe I should be traveling more.  It’s weird because I feel like I want to have a home base here in Indiana… but I feel like I don’t have to remain in Indiana the whole time… I’ll have moments of exploration too.  But I keep adding more on my schedule… is this what I should be doing?  What have I said yes to? I guess it’s not official for many events… I just know there are many events coming but which ones have I said yes to?  

The one is my class reunion… this is a yes and we haven’t set a date to this yet.  I’m wanting it to be in the summer… and the location I want to have it I need to see what available weekends are to give our class time to choose which will work for most of us.  I’ll assume it’s going to be in July or August.  There is a festival for the anniversary couple that I said yes to as well and it’s June 7th, right?  Let’s see… yes… that’s correct.  And I want to say yes to this… they have aspects that I feel they will allow me to learn as they are learning.  I started to look up sponsorship approaches… and it’s an unknown territory but I still would like to make steps into this direction.  I know eventually for the Spiritual Expeditions I’ll be wanting to partner with several sponsors so I want to start getting experience in this area.  They told me that they’re gong to start in January because they heard this is when companies get their money and some of it is set aside for donations… I asked if they’re going to do any planning during the month of December so we are ready for January… they said they haven’t really started that but it sounds like a good idea.  So we’ll see…. I want to do this but I have to be honest that I’m not quite to the inspiration stage to this quite yet.  I feel like I should meet with them again and get a better idea of who they are and what they’re event stands for.  I have an idea but I feel like I want to get to know them more.  I guess I’m been noticing the communities I’ve been introduced to… I’m also wondering if I’m jumping ahead… I had made notes about the meetings… I made summaries of each community… I sent the rough drafts to each property for them to review and finalize and then I’ll post them all together.  It’s been almost three weeks and nobody has done any finalizations… so I just ended up putting them all together and posted it so I don’t have to be the middle man.  They all just go to the group document and make the changes there.  I guess I want to see how much they are looking for networking opportunities… many people have the best intentions but they might not actually be ready… and that’s why I’m wondering if I’m jumping the gun with them.  I find it interesting that there were no steps taken from their side… it is near the end of the season and they are worn out… but it would’ve been nice to see some type of reciprocation.  So yeah…. Maybe I don’t want to go all in when I feel not everyone is on the same level of reciprocation.  Since I posted the group document… I feel like this is off my plate now… I’ll check back through the winter to again see if anyone takes any steps forward.  It would be nice to go and visit these communities… but are these the communities I’m going to be working with actually… like actually ready to work together with?  Hehe… the ashram temple isn’t ready to work together however, I know it’s one of my communities I’ll be involved with… so I guess I’m curious to see which communities I’m drawn to.  I’m drawn to one of them… and I’m not sure if they’re ready to reciprocate either… hehe… but I do have a strong feeling it’s one of the communities I want to place more energy towards… There are areas the communities want help in… and I think I can help in these areas and maybe that’s where I’ll start… just smaller projects to get chances to observe and learn more of whom I’m curious to work with.  

Since I applied for the storytelling grant I saw all of these areas that I want to build skills in… and one is video documentaries.  Working with cameras, lighting, sound, syncing time codes… etc… I’ve been finding people who are already doing this in a way and I’m sure I can learn from them… but I feel like they’re schedule is quite full and I don’t want any excuses to not be able to build a skill that I’m wanting to gain.  I’ll continue practicing with the equipment I have and will keep my eye open for obtaining more equipment along the way.  The man who has the music studio also was talking about his recording and videography he’s been doing with his jam sessions… so I plan on checking out his setup on Monday when I go to the jam.  I’ve got my dj buddy who wants me to sing for some of his tracks… so he’s got experience with musical digital mixing which is also skills I want to build… i want to make music for the documentary as well… mostly for ceremonies… but I’d enjoy creating music and recording sounds and creating too… I can see working on this more and again… most of these opportunities are here in Indiana.  

But there’s land that I keep thinking of too… hehe… There’s a park in Kentucky that I’d like to visit… and I keep getting all of these hot springs in my feeds that look so very enticing… I figure taking baths won’t be in my future as much as I’d like if I go to the vehicle lifestyle… so stopping at hot springs sounds like it would be very beneficial in many ways… but i’ts so grounding and healing for me to be in baths… I won’t be able to clean myself with soap… but spiritual cleansing in hot springs is better, right?  Hehe… but I was talking with my dad about how I know where I want to go when I’m traveling… and it looks like that’s just what I’m drawn to do anyway… these areas are just things I want to include in my life more often anyway.  I don’t have to wait to start gaining these skills… and I can start now… what am I waiting for?  

I’m very curious about this potential romantic partner who is in the friend zone for now… if we actually start to make steps towards romance then I’ll definitely allow space for this to grow and explore… but if it’s not going to take steps in this direction… then friendship is where it will be and I’ll be open for romance whenever it comes… at least it looks like I have better ways to understand what communicates to me of someone who I”m actually attracted to in a romantic way… I know when I get better at this… I probably won’t squirm so much and by that time… I’ll just understand myself better and won’t need these types of clues… but for now I’m grateful I get some assistance to get to know where I am right now.  

I still want to dance, sew, and do art… I feel like this will just make it’s way into my reality and I’ll just be inspired and it’s just a part of who I am.  I am curious… there is a drag show/ burlesque show that is at a community I was introduced to… I’d love to make costumes… I wonder if I can assist in this?  I’m not sure when this event is held.. but I would like to be open and attract these types of opportunities.  I’d like to make a larger effort to allow dance in my life… I absolutely love dancing and I feel like I’m out of shape and not flexible… but I can change this fairly quickly… again I cannot help but the housing I’m in right now doesn’t inspire me to move… there’s not a clean space and it’s cold… hehe… I know it’s excuses… but I also know if my settings change a bit… then I’ll see myself making more room to dance with myself.  Of course I enjoy with dancing with others but again not making up more excuses to dance.  There is a woman who I met who invited me to her house in Lexington on December 9th.  It’s on a Monday and I plan on going down south on the Thursday to help with the dinner party… I want to take my girl friend with me… and maybe we can swing by Lexington too?  It’s about 2.5 hours from the hostel… it ends at 8pm sharp so she can put her daughters to bed… so we could make it back to the hostel or we can find somewhere to stay the night closer to Lexington?  Of course I’d love to invite my potential partner… but I’m trying to give us more space at this time.  I’ll feel him out when I go and visit next time… see how things go.  I’m not sure how late my girl friend can stay away from her pets either.  So we’ll see but it’s something I’m considering.  I’m just thinking about things… but it does look like I haven’t really committed to as much as I thought I had… I have potential to work with many… but I’m going to observe them first before committing to them.  I’m definitely more conscious of giving too much right now.  I jump in quickly to give… but what’s being given in return?  So… I’ll continue to balance this.  

Well… this is good enough for tonight… Hope everyone enjoys their holiday… I hope it doesn’t take a holiday of thanksgiving to have us be grateful of the lives we get to experience.  Until next time… enjoy