Chaos to Clarity... Exposing Myself

[withinUverse]

I’m glad I went to play disc golf… I really do enjoy you woods in my hometown.. but I forgot there was a tournament playing on Saturday mornings… but I pulled and parked and went to the shelter house because it looked like one of the main guys who takes care of the land was there.  And I wanted to say hello and see what’s going on with the event… some were finished with their round of 27 holes… but some were still playing so I wanted to wait until it was finished before I threw.  But it was fun to see familiar faces from last time I started disc golf… there are some that I somewhat watch on FB when their posts come on up and i’m scanning through… but one guy likes to hike and adventure around and he was there and it was nice to see him… in a week he’s going to Red River Gorge and I told him that this location has been on my mind as a place I’d like to go visit while I’m here this year.  There’s a few posts from different people and yeah it looks like a great spot… this particular guy kind of goes off trail and finds hidden waterfalls and areas that the public doesn’t go.. so the pictures he gets aren’t the normal picture… he’s a great photographer as well.  But yes I’m glad I went because it’s fun to do something a bit different to switch up activities to use the mind and body in a variety of ways… i actually really like it when I throw the disc and I have to go find it… for some reason I feel like this is a good skill to continue to build even though I’d like to build the skill to throw better and stay in the clearing… hehe both applies.  I sat around chatting for the most part and I went ahead and threw a round of 14 holes before I went back to the house to do some cleaning.  For some reason it seems like I’m always looking at my belongings and ask if I really need this at this time… and so I put a few piles separated from one another… I was putting things that I know I’m using currently… but I started a pile that I put in a drawer of belongings that I’ll be donating to the hostel mostly sewing supplies and a second pile of things I don’t know if I need anymore and most likely donate.  I was thinking about going back to Indy to visit friends but I wasn’t really sure when that would be.  But I reached out to my last housemate to see if he was available to hang out… he’s married now and I’d like to meet them and he’s just a funny and great guy and want to catch up while I’m around… we actually met because we were both on a coed softball team called the Fireballers… we were all in the mix of having a great time playing and not so much on the competitive side… many of our players hadn’t even played the game before… hehe… and yes back then we were drinking fairly heavy during and after the games.  But he’s like… do you think its time for a Fireball reunion?  And I said I’m definitely down… I’d absolutely love to share time with everyone… I’ve been watching many of these people as well on FB and there were two members that actually got married and have a daughter now… there will be much change from when was that?  Eight years ago?  It’s challenging for me to even remember that person I was then… hehe… but yes I’d love to have a reunion with them and he said he’s going to work on it.  I was also thinking about the girl group that I use to hangout with a lot while I was living in Indy and I also watch them and I”d love to have a little girls reunion too… maybe a Friendsgiving maybe?  But it’s just around the corner and I’m not sure if it’s too late of notice but I’ll see what happens.  This also brings up the fact that I went to go to another childhood friend’s house last night since we hadn’t seen each other since I returned… but when I was leaving we were talking about the new year being right around the corner and can’t believe it’s going to be 2025… all of a sudden it hit me… oh wait… I was going to host a 25 year reunion… and wow… that would be next year… I’m the class president and I’ve only hosted one reunion in 2015… but I thought the next time would be 25.. so I guess that’s the year coming up… hehe… and I’m going to be around… so cool… I’ll be planning on figuring out where we’ll go and what we’ll do… last time I put out two ideas for people to vote on… one was going to a woodsy area that is setup for large gatherings and I thought maybe we’d cook together.. have opportunities to have social area and have classes to meet their children with art and dance.. but allow moments for private conversations and doing some type of lantern ceremony at night… this was my vote… hehe… but we chose to go to a local Elks club, hired a band, and people wanted to eat the prepared food there and mostly drink.  I don’t think I’m going to put a choice up this year… hehe… or I’m going to not have a drinking at the bar as an option… not that I won’t allow drinking to be involved I just don’t want that to be the main focus.  I literally just remembered this year is upon us… so I’ll need to see what kind of ideas come up… it’ll be fun to see anyone who shows up… many people on FB are from my hometown and especially from my graduating class.. so it’ll be fun to see everyone.  

I also enjoyed spending time with my girl friend… we went to a brewery which had a very large backyard that had several fire pits and was able to find one where we had it on our own… not at first but the group ended up leaving… and we enjoyed our privacy.  A very family oriented brewery with kids running around but they didn’t seem like they were that out of control.. mostly throwing football or tag… so I didn’t mind the atmosphere… but I definitely didn’t want to be inside because yes it was crowded and watching the Indiana State football game… I wanted to be intentional in our conversations and sitting by the fire seems far mor desirable and it was wonderful.  Of course we were catching up… I hadn’t been around for a year and we might have caught up four times online during this time… but we got to get more details of what’s going on… I was impressed how I was able to get through the year in a concise manner especially for me… hehe.. but she was able to do as well… What I was wanting to get to and what she was most interested in is this whole move towards wanting to share a romantic relationship with the intentional community host.  She really gets surprised when I tell her how long I haven’t had sexual relationships or any other touch in a sensual manner…. Right she’s known me from childhood and just like myself just can’t imagine I’ve gone this long… this is reminding me of my video chat with my buddy who I stay with in Colorado who retires in Cabo for the winter.. I told him that I want to date this winter and he about passed out and mentioned how that sounds so weird coming out of my mouth… so he’s only known me when I intentionally been working on Spiritual Enlightenment.. so he’s seen me remove distractions… discipline of making changes… and even through the point of me relaxing… anyway…he’s seen me change through this process but was excited for me that I’m making these moves.. I told him to wish me luck and he said he will but I won’t need it… it’s only going to be newish for a short time and I’ll fall right into with flying colors.  And that’s what my girl friend was encouraging me as well.. and I have that same understanding too.  But I was liking to talk about the process and she was able to give her feedback… she was able to talk about her personal experience with her long-term relationships which has been a similar story I’ve been hearing but it’s obvious she’s been noticing her negative thoughts and moving intentionally to redirect her self talk.  And she looks happier and she is more concerned about her self care which is always a good sign.  I didn’t get her permission to discuss her details so I won’t go into it… but what I will go into was our conversation about me meeting people from the kink community.  I did get their permission to discuss… so I’ll continue there

I’ve met different people in this scene and I enjoy how open they’ve been in sharing their opinions with me.  I’m only been on the fringe of this scene but it has been something I’ve been curious about.  I mean I see everything as an opportunity to gain spiritual growth and understanding and sex is not separate from this… I want to learn more and excited when I get opportunities to step in this direction even if it’s just talking about it.  I know the way I’m going to gain experience is waiting to share itself to me when I’m ready and when the people align with sharing this with me.   I dated a guy for a few months who taught me about polyamory and kink… he was from my graduating class and there were three of us from our hometown would get together and hangout and it started to continue from there.  I was getting out of my 13 year relationship and was looking to see what I didn’t know about myself in romantic relationships and the concepts of polyamorous really resonated with me.  I mean I didn’t know if the multiple partners was my thing.. but all the other principles of transparency, integrity, communication, and consent was something all people should be practicing with people in general but especially romantically.  He implied to me that this scene doesn’t really put a focus on sexual penetration of genitalia.  He was drawn to the scene where they wanted to see how many ways we could get sexual arousal and satisfaction without actually having genitalia penetration.  I found that interesting but I could see how that applies for him… and when we were dating we didn’t really do a lot of sexual sharings… I did ask him to tie me up because that was something he seemed to really enjoy.. he had a trunk of treasures which involved ropes.  I remember how exciting it was for me to have him do this to me… he was very good at making me feel comfortable but I didn’t really have any reservations at the time and I trusted him… and he went slowly and did a very basic tie… I didn’t have any unusual body positions just the basics around my torso and my hands… but yes his approach of slowly wrapping it around me and circling my body and watching my reactions the entire time.. it was fun and I remember it and I enjoyed it.  Well… I met more ropers… I don’t know the terms and I already know that I’m not going to be using the accurate terminology but hey thats again just how I go… but I wanted to hear what kink means to them and how they approach it as a couple and they were very open to sharing.  They’ve been together for three and half years now and the first time they met was at a kink party… when it comes to their basic physical structure she’s short and curvy  while he’s tall and solid… so she said he stood out in the crowd.  They spoke a little during that first event of meeting but it wasn’t until later that they started to want to build something deeper.  She found that she’s a “Demi-sexual”. I asked what that was and she said that it takes her a long time to be sexually attractive to someone because an emotional connection has to be developed before she becomes attractive.  So I’m assuming that she doesn’t find people just physically attractive.. however she said that their are two types of men she seems to be attracted to are one that their androgynous where they aren’t clearly masculine of feminine but a beautiful mixture of that.. or two a man that’s literally going to break me in half…with a chuckle.. and she said when they first met she wasn’t really sure if they were going to make it because her partner was very active with several partners and she told him that if he wanted to engage with her in a sexual manner that he would have to pretty much stop playing with other partners until they gained a foundation of trust.  And at first he continued to play because he enjoyed it, but he came back to her and said that he’s definitely willing to do this to get to know her more and so they started to be exclusive with one another… and again it took months of getting to know one another before they engaged in sexual exploration with one another.  She said she was a jealous type at the beginning so this foundation really set up trust and it took her awhile to open up to sharing which is something he’s interested in but they took the slow steps to introduce a third party into the mix…and what she was surprised by is the fact that it’s pleasurable to watch her partner with another partner.  She said that technically she doesn’t really especially wants to always have sexual genitalia penetration and I’m not sure how far they go with a threesome but she does admit that she likes to watch him.  But she said that thus far they’ve only had two females and one male and she’d be curious to see how it would be with two males and one female.  She also admitted that not all the time she enjoys the threesomes because she’s not mutually attracted to the female… but again this was wonderful to hear.  They were saying that the kink scene is extremely diverse so you’ll have some parties where sexual genitalia penetration is accepted and expected while other parties absolutely won’t allow that as part of the party.  They were mentioning all kind of terms… they educate the public about boundaries, communication, consent, and signs of predator behavior which unfortunately exists in this scene.  As much we’d like to hope everyone has elevated their consciousness to respect and honor all the guests with best intentions… that isn’t the case at this time.  He said that the most common fetish that seems to be around is “impact” which again i wanted him to explain… he said like spanking and pressure and I’m sure he gave more examples but this was a language that’s not familiar so I can only remember a snippet of information given because I don’t have any experience in the context… but he himself is interested in rope as well.  I asked him how this developed… and he said it was actually through his exe’s ex-boyfriend.  He himself was very conservative for most of his life and when he was with his exe they were fairly… hehe… cannot remember the term they used… but it was “bland” or you know what I mean unflavorable? I don’t remember but they did start to introduce some toys eventually.  So they had a box of play toys they had used together and when they separated his exe kept the box.  But he eventually got introduced to a Japanese sexual rope play… it starts with an S… let me look this up real quick… ok called Shibari.. and he ended up messaging his exe to see if she was using any of those toys and if not can he use the rope… and she commented that yes she doesn’t use any of the toys… her current boyfriend has his own ropes… and this stood out to him.. he has his own rope…and eventually he got the chance to ask him about it… and the boyfriend was open to share this with him and it’s built from their.  He really like to take photography of the rope bondage and Shibari especially and shared some of his work with me which I saw the beauty and artistry that took place in the bondage and photography… and so it was interesting to have this introduced for me to think about.  He also admitted they like the dominant/submissive thing as well… I’m sure there’s a term that I don’t remember… but he said that many engage with this but there’s a few variations with this kink… first of all some may play this role only when at parties… while some may do this all the times in their life… there are people who have a set dominant and a set submissive while others choose to change the roles throughout the play… they didn’t specifically say what their role was but just by observing them… I saw the female seemed to be the submissive I saw he would ask her to do things for him and she was not hesitant to do them for him… but again this isn’t necessarily saying this to be true.. I just didn’t dig any deeper into this with them.  They were saying that the kink doesn’t necessarily tie to polyamory either… there are many couples who only play with each other.. but they happen to like voyeurism

 

 

Holy cow!  My iPad died on me and I lost so much content that I was writing… and I thought i plugged it in but it wasn’t charging… and at these moments I feel like what I was sharing wasn’t all necessarily meant to be shared… it goes through my process of purging to gain insights.. and I felt a moment where I was tightening up again and hitting that cord… and it was beautiful… I still want to continue to write but I’m going to just put some key insights in instead of the process for me to get there… so I’ll try to continue where I left off… it didn’t erase everything… but yeah while I was waiting for enough juice to power it up I was like… what is going to be left of my session?  And I was hoping everything would still be there.. but it wasn’t… but I’m ok with that and I’ll see how I’m going to proceed and what I”m drawn to recall… so interesting of what should be shared or not… ok where did the entry leave off?  

Voyeurism… now this has an implication that it’s secretive and without consent but that does not apply for a kink party it’s open and fully consensual but the act of enjoying being watched and watching sexual activities.  I am interested in both of these areas… when it comes to this though I feel like it’s not only for gratification but for educational purposes too.  

Where am i right now and what do I see could be steps to move forward with my lessons at this time?  I am ready to go all in and be as completely vulnerable and trusting that I’m attracting a deep partnership where not only are we going to express fully our attraction but also our desire to share in each other’s passions.  I realize that I’m afraid that my intensity and passion is too much and I’ve played myself down so I can be accepted and received but that’s no longer my approach because I don’t want to play games and waste anyone’s time… if my authenticity is something that can be received at this time.. then I don’t need to wait to be received… I’ll continue to do the work to attract this bond of depthless that I’ve been truly wanting to experience and I’m now ready to experience.  I’ve had to do a lot of work to be able to unconditionally love myself and this romantic depthless is not something I want to keep from myself any longer.  My body and mind are on the same page of fully giving this a chance… a balance of logic and emotion… a balance of directness and softness… I’m excited to see where Reality will lead me as I walk this path intentionally.  I’m very hopeful but will be also listening to any flags that might arise in this process.  I originally thought that I might have a rule of no penis penetration into my vagina or my anus to start with… but I don’t want to have anything stopping us from how we express and learn together..  I thought possibly my creativity and motivation would be stunted if I share my powerful sexual energy and I’ve had to clear energies of past partners.. but honestly there’s nothing to be afraid of… I embody these qualities and it’s not dependent on my sexual energy.  In fact I feel like if I’m able to express my sexual energy deeply with my partner… is only going to lead to more strength and more grace… and be a better teacher and guide.  Not that I want to immediately step into the penetration right away… I want to start with communication.  I mean honestly have conversations where we want to not assume we understand by our own definitions of words but willing to have conversations more than a sentence long to want to understand what our partner is trying to express at the time.  I don’t take words for granted and I will continue to ask for clarification and I’m hoping he will find this endearing that I really want to understand him… we have different programming and nuanced differences in each word… so the desire to understand and communicate is where I’d like to begin.  And when it comes to sexual interactions… I’m wanting to learn to not have an expectation of destination… I want to just immerse myself fully into whatever transpires.  I was sharing an intimate moment of touching one another’s hands… I mean I could see how powerful it was to have this brief encounter but I wasn’t in the setting that would have allowed me to explore and express… but I found pleasure to do this with him.. and I’d like to share more of these moments in privacy until however long it is for me to be able to display it differently.  I was saying I already know he’s polyamorous and this is something I do not want to take away from him… but I’m hoping he might be open to giving me a few months of time to see if there’s chemistry between us before he adds a new partner.. and if we can build this then I would understand if the new partner would need this as well.. I don’t know what he needs but i want to know.  And right now I’m sure he just need space and time to process his separation.  And I want to give him this.  I want to learn how to support him in the way he wants but also in the ways I can.  I’m very grateful I’m moving forward with more intention and direction of what I want to add into the mix of my fucking amazing life that I’m so grateful to be experiencing.  Regardless of the results… we will be able to learn so much from one another and grow ourselves which is a value we both share.  

Man it feel like I’m just not in the flow like I was earlier before the iPad died… there are things I was going to write and I’m not sure i”m in the zone any longer.  I guess I’ll just try to briefly put in a few things and see if it starts to ignite inspiration to continue.  Yesterday when I was cleaning i came across some of my tarot cards and I thought why not see what messages I get… I chose two decks which I don’t necessarily have to pull out the book to read the messages.. I’ll just go with the little that’s written on the front.  So I started with the Angels and Crystal oracle cards… and two cards flew out… the first was  Rodocrisita : Be kind to yourself.  You’ve been through a lot and you need time to heal and recover.  The second was Tanzanite: You are ready to love again. Your heart has healed from the wounds of the past and is open to love again.  I grabbed the Love Angels oracle deck and got more cards (1) Chemistry: Feel a strong magnetic attraction.  (2) Open your mind:  Your soulmate may be different from the type of person you expect to meet.  (3) Honeymoon: Appreciate the charm of a couple's holiday.  (4) Give your relationship a chance: Make time for your partner.  (5) Flirtation: Give your carefree energy to others!  I asked if there is anymore clarification that can be given at this time and three more cards fell (6) Forgive and Let go:  By releasing the past, you live much more love in the present moment.  (7) Separation: A period away from your partner is announced.  (8) He deserves love:  He is worthy of being loved!

I can feel like my attention is straying and so I’ll just mention this morning I was thinking about ways I would approach the Chicken game differently and remembered the book I want to write about exploring sexuality.. I’ll just put it down to maybe pickup at another time.  Until next time… enjoy!

[withinUverse]

Good morning… I woke up thinking about dancing… so I think I’ll begin here.  So… I was thinking if I am going all on in with a romantic partnership… I’d like to share my passion of dance.  I love to dance and I used to instruct but there are some dances that I don’t know as much as others… and they’re really calling to me and more improvisation.  So I’d like to see if we have a conversation of what we’re wanting out of our relationship I have many ideas to talk about but for now in the Journal I will say I want to introduce dancing as part of a way to increase our partnering, sensuality, and fun.  I have two dances in mind that I’m hoping he might find as something he would like to learn and share with me…. Argentine Tango and West Coast Swing.  I have a dancing buddy who owns a studio close to the location I am now, but I feel like we’ll be closer to where my romantic interest lives which is three hours away.  From his location it’s almost four hour drive to my buddy’s studio.  So I messaged my buddy to see if he has any recommendations of top notch instructors in the Louisville area… it’ll only be an hour away.  I just sent the message and haven’t heard back but my buddy dances competitions and travels a lot to areas so I’m hoping his network would include some great dancers in this specific area.  He hosts traveling instructors at his studio and I enjoy watching his posts.  He specifically hosts West Coast events… so I asked him about this, but I’ll add the A. tango when we chat.  So I looked up Tango studios and it looks like there’s a few options in that city… but I also ran into a video of a couple from Buenos Aires who is offering a dance event in Argentina for 13 days… it’s from April through May but this wouldn’t be a good time for us since his hostel would be opening up at this time.  But that has definitely been at the top of my list of locations to go.  I want to dance the tango everywhere in Buenos Aires… I think I’ve mentioned this before but I fantasize everyone dancing in the restaurants and the streets all over the city… I’d love to go and do this.  I used to drink Malbec and I mention that if I ever get to Argentina… I feel like I’d be much more open to drinking alcohol just to have Malbec from where it originates.  I don’t know if I’d be interested in drinking when I get there… but I could entertain the idea of possibly.  But I’d love to dance where I travel.  Anyway… I would love to introduce him to the magic that dance can bring into our lives.  I figured we’d start off with taking beginner classes together.  I might have a lot of dance experience and instruction experience, but I don’t necessarily want to start our dance relationship in a teacher/ student dynamic.  I’d much rather be a student/student dynamic and possibly why I’m interested in learning dances I don’t know as much.  I’d like it to be like date nights.  As a teacher I kind of know how it goes when one of the partners are in the teacher mode and yes… I want to set us up for success and enjoyment.  To be honest I don’t know if he knows how to dance already… I could see it… he’s very musically inclined and most musicians that I’ve met have a tendency to be able to pick up dancing easier… and he looks like he’s athletic as well… so I think he might pick up fairly quickly but I don’t know if he’d have the desire to learn with me or not.  But it is something I’m going to suggest.  West Coast is danced to a variety of music… it’s a smooth improvisation and moments of playfulness throughout.  Sometimes it can get sensual but not always.  I guess I do want to mention that I did see blues swing dance as well which I’ve dropped into classes a few times and I enjoy.  But I remember when I was talking to him about his singing… he said his voice is fitting for blues and jazz which he really doesn’t listen to and wished he could mature his singing to fit other genres.  I know I enjoy listening to his music and of course I don’t know any of the artists or the songs… which is quite normal for me… hehe… but I’m so glad I don’t know them because he’s going to be introducing me to a whole new range of music which excites me.  Also… if this is improvisation dancing… it’s good to have the lead have a better understanding of the musicality while I can just follow his lead.  Ideally both would know but that’s not necessary… my body will hear the music and do it’s thing anyway.. hehe… but I want to focus on my partnership development.  I feel like I might be a little slower getting into the down and dirty intimacy… who knows.. but if so… I definitely would like to demonstrate my energy while I’m dancing…because… I know its attractive and can be quite powerful for my partners… I just get so damn excited… and when I let loose it’s so fucking fun!  That’s what I want to show him which I might not be able to demonstrate outside of this setting.  I’m going to work my way here… but it does seem like I’m a bit stiff right now…hehe… And it’s just because I haven’t had people to really play with… no I’m not going to blame anyone else… I just have been focused on my spiritual work and sometimes I’m bit more on the strict side with myself.  since my transition I’ve gone off the deep end of strictness and was like fuck… it’s time to relax and enjoy now… and I do to some extent but I can do this more and it’s become more obvious how stiff I am compared to him especially.  Argentine Tango is a very passionate and sensual dance… I absolutely adore this dance and want to have more opportunities to learn.  We taught this style of dance but yes it felt like it had too much structure to this free flowing dance… I mean structure is necessary when beginning to gain confidence and learn how to communicate with partner.. but with this dance it’s for lovers to explore this style of nonverbal communications… how to speak with our bodies and I’m so excited to hear what he has to say… and I’ve got some things to tell him too… hehe… yes I’d love to see if he’s interested.  Of course I find that this would be great for us to do together and build a bond through… however I am looking down the road for him too.  I’d love for him to have more tools in his belt to enjoy himself whenever and wherever he is.  He travels to different cities and countries… so possibly if I introduce him to something he didn’t realize he would enjoy… He can find dancing while he moves with the flow of life.  The dance community usually isn’t a stingy group… we love to dance with our romantic partner yes, but we also love to dance with everyone!  And I have a feeling he’d absolutely love this as well.  

So I want to be very intentional with him.  I’m not wanting to make any excuses or have fear to stop me from expressing what I’m looking for in a committed partnership… if we choose that we want to move in this direction then I’m not going to hold back.. this is something I want to share with him.  And I’m definitely interested and open to activities he wants to introduce to me as well.  He enjoys caving and I was introduced to this through his hostel and i loved it and could definitely see myself doing it more.  I was hoping to have trips with him but I found myself in other groups and we’ll have plenty of time to find opportunities to share trips together.  I’m hoping he’s a taking his time caver…hehe… we’ll see when it happens.  But he seems so fascinating… and who knows what he has up his sleeve… I’d love to hear what he thinks is something that can build a bond together… maybe there’s a secret desire to learn something with a romantic partner that he hasn’t tried yet… for some reason I feel like he probably hasn’t hesitated to try things out romantically but who knows until we have a conversation.  We might have a brief time to say hello this Thursday and maybe Tuesday… he’ll be traveling and so this won’t be the time to talk to him… but I’m still trying to give him space from his separation.  I’ve been trying to flirt but in a very subtle and minimal manner right now.  Again I have that shit going on that I’m going to be too much or too intense… but I have a volume button and right now it’s on low… and intuitively this is the right move right now. Honestly I need this time as well for myself… I have been clearing out romantic energy of past energies myself.  I’ve been doing this for awhile now.. and have been successful except I can feel a bit of lingering going on with the Aussie man.  I feel like he too will have some remaining from this nest mate.  I think if we’re honest about this… it will help us not feel bad if there’s a lingering that exists, but I hope our chemistry can spark us to inspire us to have a desire to get to know one another where we can clear those past energies in a short period of time.  I do need to know what he’s looking for in a relationship.  If he’s wanting to not have anything serious or just wants a fling… then I don’t think we’ll be able to move into a romantic connection.  I want to attract someone who is on a similar page.  I’m not looking for a fling and I’m hoping if I go into this fully then we’ll be building a relationship for our lives.  People might think this is pretty extreme but it’s where I am.  I’m not saying I want to get married right now.. but I’m saying… I’m looking to build a bond for life and as life flows we’ll work and dance with it together.  Again… I’d love it to be romantic, but I feel like we’ll be amazing friends and business partners… so our relationship for life doesn’t have to be specific in one area compared to another… but flexible to change while we grow… and not having to plan everything out from the start but be as open and authentic to see where our relationship leads.  So yeah I’m looking forward to talking with him, but I’m patient to see when we’ll actually get a chance to engage fully and privately… hehe… until then I know I have more own energy to clear to set up a better start to our journey together.  

So… I finished the drafts for the communities from the intention convention event last weekend.  I’ve been wanting to get into this and finally I’ve gotten there.  I don’t think I’ve said much about the convention except for the moment of bliss drumming around the fire.  So how to begin?  Ok… so there were eight definitive communities represented.  We had guests who are involved with other communities but weren’t really representing the same information as the eight communities.. most of them were founders, shareholders, and board members… they have a bit more skin into the community i guess.  My romantic interest asked me if I’d like to be the meetings note taker… I thought about it and said that yes… I can give that a try… I’m curious to hear what everyone has to say and what everyone wants to talk about…. I know I have my ideas of where it can lead… but if I’m a note taker then I won’t talk much and mostly just listen.  I hadn’t really had much experience in this except for the owner at the temple who would have me type out her words for different communications she had.  So I guess I started to have a little bit of experience.  But anyway… I keep saying how intuitive he is… he might not realize this but for some reason his suggestions for me seems to benefit me highly and I’m so appreciative of this.  Hehe… it was intense trying to keep up with the conversations.  He got two of us to be note takers and we both were focused at trying to get as many words down that we could.  We now realize for next time that having a mic and amp would be very beneficial.  Sometimes it was hard to hear people, plus we want to sync a transcribing program for ease.  However, this was very beneficial for me to take these notes.  I was using my iPad along with my portable keyboard… so I’m sitting there clacking away on the keys trying to keep up… We had long meeting sessions… so both sessions my iPad died on me… hehe… we were in the middle of the woods in a Greek theater setting… it’s beautiful actually but I didn’t have any extra battery bank with me… I mean I do but I don’t have the cord to charge my iPad… hehe… any way once my iPad dies I’d move to hand written notes… the first session I didn’t realize how many words would be spoken and I only got a fraction.  But I only brought three pieces of paper thinking I’ll just type everything out.  Well.. I filled those pages and couldn’t get all of it down but there wasn’t much before we broke for lunch.  The same thing happened during the second session except I had enough paper with me to continue recording until the end of the session.  The problem that I had was I was using loose paper… it wasn’t in a notebook and I didn’t number the pages either… so when I was putting the information on the paper onto the iPad… it wasn’t in order… hehe… but it didn’t actually stop me from how I approached the information I wanted to deliver.  So… i guess I didn’t really understand what was expected from me and the other note taker… I think she was a bit more familiar in doing this… she was talking about taking minutes and is very detailed oriented on formal procedures… hehe… ummm… ok… yeah that isn’t really what I was thinking of doing.  But we were supposed to work together.. and I wasn’t sure how other than posting my information that I had typed out… it wasn’t in order all the way but she created a shared document and she was hand writing the entire time so it was going to take her time to enter her data in.  She’s a full time student and is trying to launch her first issue for a magazine she’s trying to publish.  So yes formality and grammar and editing skills is right up her alley… and it’s funny that she gets partnered with me who is not good with any of these areas… lol… but she was very stressed out about the note and the time of submission.  I admit that I had that feeling at first as well… I don’t know if any of you read a few submissions back when I got back.. but after that session I was able to relax because I was the only one pressuring myself to get things out for the community members… hehe… and so I was trying my best to let her know that she doesn’t need to be frantic that nobody is breathing down our necks except us doing it to ourselves.  She said she’s been busy in many ways in her life and I said to not worry… do your things… I get the vibe from the people involved are just appreciative of how we were wanting to help… and they’ll be happy with whatever we share with them.  We had another girl who did end up creating an audio recording… so she’s going to continue her formal submission which is going to take her a few weeks to finish up with her schedule and just the tedious nature of this style of record keeping.  I’m not sure how our relationship is going really… she is hostel fam… so she’s involved with the hostel and is close to the founder.  She is in fact the other lady he sandwiched himself between and the whole opportunity for me to touch his hand… hehe.. i was the timid side he was dealing with while she was the comfortable side and the whole massaging of the head and everything.. so yes no issues of demonstrating affection… hehe.  But I met her for the first time at the caving event.  She was one of the guides and so she’s an avid caver as well.. and I like she’s a bit more on the professional side of things.. so yeah I recognize a bit of stiffness like I see in myself.. but I’m thinking it’s more on the distrusting some… I guess I feel like specifically she doesn’t know if she can trust me.  I could definitely be projecting but I did feel this so I was keeping space and allow reality to have us engage whenever that time happens to be.  I might have a bit of projection going on but not fully… to me I can explain it in the way she started her note taking.. hehe… she had everyone’s name listed and she had these elaborate and flowering words to describe everyone present.  Even to the ones who were wanting to get more information about intentional communities and weren’t directly involved in sustaining a community…anyways when I got down to my name the only words she had for me is “note taker”… lol… so yeah she wasn’t really interested in anything I was sharing during the event.  But granted I didn’t know she was on her way of publishing a magazine either… but I feel like I overheard a little conversation in regards to this but it seems like she wasn’t sure if she should let the group know what she wants to do… or maybe waiting for the appropriate time to let us know… I’m not sure but I didn’t think too much about it because if I’m to know I’ll get that chance to let it unfold in the appropriate timing for myself.  So really… I feel like there’s a weird girl jealousy thing going on between us I think… I’m not use to dealing with this much anymore… not that I haven’t danced this dance before… but yeah… I think that’s why she has a distrust in me… of course I don’t know but this is my Journal so this is a great space to purge my thoughts regardless of how accurate it is… I want to get her out of my thoughts.. hehe… not that I don’t want her out of my thoughts completely because I told her that I have more information beyond the words spoken at the meeting because I have ideas I want to present with possibly brainstorming for solutions to network everyone for the coming year.  She was trying to understand what I was doing with my notes… oh yeah… I didn’t even get to what I was doing with my notes… hehe.. tangents.  So yes she was going to focus on the formal side… and I wanted to focus on how does this information help us understand what was said…. So in my opinion the first thing to do to help with clarity is to separate the communities and have a general summary of what the community shared with us.  So I’d start with one community and I’d copy and paste all the members words of that community together so I can use their words to summarize their information.  So this is what I was saying I didn’t need to have everything organized in order to do this.  In fact many speak like me where answers weren’t given during a specific questions but was spread throughout the entire time of their speaking.  Similar to myself I might have heard the questions but it wasn’t until later did I realize my answer so yeah… I found reading through their words a bit more scrambled around… helped me actually get their summary out by deciphering my crazy notes… hehe… a few times I’m like what the hell did I type and what’s being said… I didn’t run into many situations like that but it was fun.  So yes if we have a summary we don’t have to read down through the entire conversation of the meeting to find an answer.  I think I did a fair job summarizing their information together.  What I really enjoyed when I was taking their notes were the words people were saying… it makes me giggle just thinking about it.  Our character and personality I was trying to keep as I was summarizing… so yeah for me formal recording wasn’t what I enjoyed… I felt like this was a family meeting and so to remember everyone’s character I loved keeping their quirkiness… it’s absolutely adorable.  I found myself laughing out loud when I was trying to get their message out… when I submitted my drafts to the specific communities to review and edit for accuracy… I got a few laughs back… they laughed that I used the actual words they were saying… I said I don’t mind what was said as long as it’s authentic… we’re family so I don’t think anyone will get offended… I mean this was how we were talking anyway… of course I have some of my language in the mix since i was editing their information… so I wanted to make sure they were happy with what I had to represent them.  I also know there are areas such as the financials that went over my head… hehe… words I’ve heard before but not really any understanding in the context and so I wanted them to better explain what I couldn’t do for them.  Plus there were a few communities who didn’t say much during the meetings… so I wanted to give them another opportunity to share more… it’s possible it was overwhelming to be in such a large group and finding a chance to express yourself… the founder was giving people the opportunity, but again didn’t mean they were confident and comfortable expressing… maybe now they’re back in their space they can find the words without any pressure on them.  Yes… I’ve been loving the opportunity to gain rapport with the individual communities as well.. I didn’t know how I would approach all of this… but during the meeting we are taking about networking.. so I was going to see how comfortable people are by sharing conversations through online messages.  I’d like to start to get to know who I’m working with as well… I know how group chats going with each community… I’ve sent out the drafts and I”m waiting to have them returned their edited version.  So yes… the fellow note taker wanted to understand what I was doing so I was able to let her know and she has access to my summaries in the shared document so I figured she would understand what I was doing.  And she did say that it seems like this is not a requirement for me to do, but I told her it’s something I want to do.  I’ll get to know the communities there a little better with this summary… because it was fairly chaotic trying to keep up with the words…hehe.  And the founder also told both of us that he didn’t expect us to do these extras… he thought he was going to receive our chicken scratches and submit them for people to decipher for themselves… but he’s appreciative of our initiative mannerism we both share.  I told her I’m enjoying myself and since I’ve done this I’m starting to find connections between them which is what I’m more concerned with.  So I told her that I’m not a good editor…for my second project I’ll type it out and she can go back and edit it if she wants to.  But I told her she seems like she’s got her hands full with the transcribing already which will take a few weeks… that it’s not necessary.  She wanted to edit the summaries I wrote but I told her that I’d like the communities to do the editing.  I saw a few of her edits and yeah it was missing the character of the person speaking.  I guess it was too formal for me… and honestly I don’t want her to make my content so formal either… I want my character to come out as well.. and my heart and my passion… this is part of my passion project and I’m super grateful to have this opportunity right now.  I’ll get into this.. well.. if you’ve been following along for the past six months I don’t have to continue repeating myself of my desire to help communities and connect a network of communities globally… but there’s some lingering baggage when it comes to her specifically so let me get this out for a little bit… so the girl jealousy thing is what I’m wanting to address… so of course I don’t know anyone’s relationship to one another.  Before I move on I want to continue to warn people this is a space for me to purge my thoughts.. she is not a bad person.. in fact if she’s been introduced into my life right now I’m excited to see how our relationship develops.  So keep that in mind… I find it fascinating how relationships evolve and I ultimately have hope for us to bond eventually… but I”m pretty patient to see that… I’d hope within this year things can completely change but if it takes five years from now… then I’m fine with that too.. I don’t want to have to prove myself and I don’t expect her to prove herself either… I just want to get my initial baggage out so I can open my mind to find a different perspective… which I’ve already been noticing and I want to share but I start from the chaos before clarity… hence my title… its a beautiful chaos and I appreciate this process… so ok… why do I think there’s a girl jealousy thing going on?  So I met her at the caving event… I knew I went there to specifically get an opportunity to talk to the founder but I noticed how needy people are of his attention and so I laid back during the weekend and thought possibly we’d have a chance during the few days after I planned to volunteer… so yes I could see he wanting his attention… and she wasn’t completely needy… she has a relationship that’s been developing so he’s more willing to give her attention.  but I wasn’t sure if I saw her desire for a possible romantic attention… I’m not sure why I think this.. but I think that’s what i was getting the vibe originally of why she was wondering why I was at the event… maybe she was wondering if I was there because of a romantic interest too… so possibly why she didn’t care to get to know me… which in turn I reciprocated.  Again I was observing her and I liked how informative she was when she was getting everyone ready to cave… she went to the same cave as I did however there were two groups and I was in the meditative while she was guiding the adventurous one.  we had an incident during the caving the third group in this same area had a girl who got a cut on her leg which was more like a puncture wound and needed to go to the hospital.  She wasn’t present when the founder brought her back to take her but when she returned with her group we informed her.  It was again interesting to see her reaction.  I definitely would describe it as professional yes, but also filled with worry and concern and even anxiety of making the correct steps forward at this point.  She was the only staff member at the location now… she’s the leader and she knew she wanted to make the correct decisions which makes sense.  We were all tryin got help her get to the results we got too… I feel like I was reminding everyone that it’s not a life a death situation… not using these words of course.. but the one of the girls I was with who helped the founder get the girl inside the car and had a staff member join them to watch her in the car while they went to the hospital… she was a bit frantic as well… when I saw the mannerism of the founder with the injured lady… at first I got up and wondered the degree of severity it was… he was quite calm and had it under control… she’s got a minor injury that needs to be looked at.  So I didn’t react… in fact I allowed the people who jumped into help and I continued with my conversations.  So the frantic one addressed the note taker partner…and again I can see how she wanted the energies to elevate to degrees which isn’t necessary… to help the frantic one I asked her how close is the hospital and it was like 10 minutes away… she thought it was going to be hours away and thought there was going to be such a huge blood loss etc etc… once she saw that it was right down the road she felt better.. and so again when they were both together she couldn’t help herself wanting to elevate the energy but I felt like I was able to keep it calm and stable for the leader to understand that it wasn’t a life or death emergency.  She wasn’t sure again who to trust at that moment but she kept her cool and started to focus on the logistics… she was the only staff and there was a group who didn’t have a staff guide.  She questioned if she should go and get them… she feared that they shouldn’t be alone… I reminded her that it’s more of the advanced group… there were many experienced cavers there who are confident in their skills and should be fine for them to get back out when they’re ready.  Many confirmed the people present in their group and she recognized some of the descriptions and finally she said ok… she doesn’t need to get them.  But then she started to look around to the vehicles… the founder’s truck is here and he will not be returning to get it back… so we’ll need to return it to the hostel.  She wondered if all the vehicles present part of our group.  I said yes every car came with us… again a question whether to trust me… and so I got out my iPad’s footage and said I recorded everyone arriving because many of us are first timers so there was electricity in the air… so ok… all of the cars are there… one car was missing so how many additional cars do we need.  This is when she decided that she’s going to stay back while the two groups who are finished can return to the hostel… sh’ell drive the truck back and any person who needs to ride with her.  Good solution and again good observation.  we really didn’t have any more interaction that stands out in my mind… we just move to this weekend event and the first memory is the founder talking to her and asking if she remembers me… and she looked up and said oh yeah I remember her and we both just shared a simple smile… hehe… not grand affection for one another and again I will reciprocate… and I completely understand.  But yeah… I see there is an affection between them but I also don’t sense a romantic chemistry or spark there either… polyamory being so present gets me wondering who is partnering with who…lol.. like it’s my business… and actually that’s not what I’m asking myself.. I’m asking who is he partners with… but I did see her celebrating a ten year anniversary with her partner on FB and so that’s was cute to see… and yeah I’m not sure why there was a thing for a second… I’ll see how it unfolds… ok.. I feel good leaving that behind so let’s move into the insights I’m getting from the note taking.  

Since I’ve been involved with the temple farm in Utah I’ve already been brainstorming ideas of what suggestions I’d have for that particular property but again it always leads back on how to scale it to other properties and eventually globally… and again with me not talking at the event and taking notes I found it interesting to hear commonalities and differences in each approach.  At the end of the meetings I had a brief moment with the founder to ask how he thought it went and of course he said it went well but he can see things he wants to change for next time.  The setup had people arriving Friday afternoon or Saturday morning… the meetings were scheduled longer with both during Saturday before and after lunch.. people will leave at leisure on Sunday.  He thought splitting it up through out the weekend would be best… four shorter sessions one on Friday and Sunday and two on Saturday.. I’m sure there were more details he thought of but that’s all that was said at the time.  I agreed because I felt we only got to know communities and we really didn’t get to any action steps of solutions for areas of concern.  And I think that’s what’s going on right now while I’m deciphering these notes.  I guess there’s something I want to address real quick before the details is that at the end of the session there was a collective agreement for the properties wanting to create a blueprint of the function of a community… talking about an outside mediator.. and who would be interested visiting properties to find network opportunities… inside I wanted to say that that’s exactly what I’d be interested in, but I didn’t want to commit to only these properties… so I waited to see who would volunteer or be interested… and there was someone who said she’d be interested… and it was very interesting to see how everyone responded to wanting to support her to do this.  She already travels between many communities… I believe she has seven on her list for next season already… and only one was present during this event… so is she saying she’s going to add another seven?  I spoke to her one on one… because of course I’d love to support her as well and I wanted to see how she was thinking of approaching this… i love her passion and enthusiasm towards problem solving solutions for her communities.. and I can relate a lot to her.. I found myself reminding her that self care is important if she wants to do this.  

 

 

 

Ok… I just got done eating a spaghetti lunch with my pops… I feel better using him as a soundboard at this time because it’s not so much spiritual stuff like Aya and deep shit… it’s language he can understand again if he’s not really passionate about but there’s more feedback from him…hehe… and by talking I knew I was missing something… I didn’t know what but I think I figured something out… I want to help these communities and right now I’d like them to focus on self care of course but they’re really wanting a body of intentional volunteers… I was seeing where my nonprofit comes into play.. I’ve got high standards of the communities I’m involved with… right at this time I have communities I adore but all but one are places I would recommend to friends and family to freely go to without my presence… I know it sounds a bit…whatever the word is… but I’ve got high standards and I want my recommendations to be valued because of intentional results… just as an example… I love the temple farm but with the personality that runs this space and there rules… i don’ know much of my friends and families who would enjoy themselves alone, but if i was there to put things into perspective it would be a different situation… same thing applies to the shamans that I work with… a few months ago someone was wanting me to write a FB review on their retreat and I said I wasn’t able to do this because I don't think they’re recommendable at this time.  Not that I’m not going to continue me work with everyone… but once they’re ready then I’ll recommend them… but if they’re not there yet… then whomever is attracted to work with them without my recommendations is how it’s supposed to go since that’s what’s happening.  I want to build skills to enhance my understanding of what I’d like to do for WithinUverse nonprofit and I was thinking I was going to be recommending these particular communities… but I don’t really know these communities right now… and so I don’t know where there standards are…. But what I could see WithinUverse backing up right now that can help these communities… finding volunteers who are intentional and desire to contribute… I can see creating a program to find these volunteers… I’ve met volunteers I would put on the list already… and possibly it’s going to be a recommendation program… not everyone can go on to the site and sign up with their details… somebody has to recommend them to join… and this tool can also be used as a reference for volunteers to find opportunities.  So yes I see I can put my focus in this area at this time.  Everyone want to know how to get volunteers to actually work.. and there’s a concern they’re just looking for a free place to live so they’re not homeless… and I would consider myself as a work trader and I can see how these could be a perception to look at but that’s going to limit volunteer opportunity because of the lack of trust.  Now the people I know doesn’t mean they’re all completely perfect volunteers… we have our pros and cons; however… they’re intentional to grow and learn and connect… so I’d recommend them to be volunteers for these communities… even though I’m not sure I’m recommending the communities until I actually have time to understand where they are.  Another factor that seems to be in the way is that these communities don’t always have housing for these volunteers… so this will need to be addressed.  WithinUverse would love to have a collection of intentional volunteers and to start a system to start gathering these people I find will be very beneficial.  Interesting… it’s going to be nice to narrow down my focus right now… so where do I start? Hehe 

So… what are programs that are already out there that seem like it’s the same thing or similar?  Let me do a search real quick… right now I’m thinking workaway, woofing, couchsurfing…. Things of this nature and I also remember LDS has a website dedicated to finding volunteer opportunities… but there’s more out there I’m sure… lets see what I can find… so actually I think I’ll finish this session here so I can do some research… sweet… until next time… enjoy!  

[withinUverse]

Ok… so I just got off a video chat with a friend I met in a karaoke bar in Utah… It was funny because our group entered the bar and was showing our IDs and he was on stage singing “Creep” by Radiohead… he was doing a fabulous job and I thought right away if I do a duet tonight i’m going to ask if he’ll join me.  And that’s exactly what I did… I approached him  and his friend and we all went to the patio so I could smoke while we got to know one another.  I was asking him if he knew the song “Crusin’ Together” by Huey Lewis and Gwyneth Paltrow… holy crap.. I was going to help my dad outside real quick and I was so excited I jumped to type… hehe… I’ll be back.. 

 

 

Alright… I’m back… and I’m so excited to write about my ideas but also there’s a part of me that’s wondering how much should I be sharing… I’m trying to gather a team to start working on the building website sites and application and cyber security side of things… I’m just wondering if someone has the means if they’d want to go ahead and do it before we get the chance?  I mean I was looking at some of these places that deal with volunteers and they aren’t going to approach it the way I’d like to approach it… so even if I tell everyone my ideas… it’s not like I would want to compete with anyone… I’d probably ask to collaborate together… the more people taking a look at this from different angles is exactly what I would love to have happen to try to create something more holistically than one person’s view.  So… let’s just give it a go.  

 

 

So back to the story… he did not know that song but he said he’d give it his best attempt…. He never sings songs without practicing but with my enthusiasm… he’s going to give it a try and we had fun attempting our first duet together…. We met up again at the temple to have a chat and that’s when I found out he was in the cyber security field.  We spoke about many things but I didn’t ask his permission to discuss personal details so I’ll have to do that some other time maybe.  But I think I mentioned a few days back that my girl friend who was a ballroom instructor with me wants to do cyber security and I gave her his information, but she hadn’t reached out yet.  So I apologized to him that she got distracted and might be a little shy because she wishes she knew the answers she’s going to ask him.  I told him I have a project that I want to start where I want people to be completely vulnerable with themselves and everyone who would have access to their information..  If we have cyber security in mind from the get go this might help people feel more comfortable doing this… and since I want to be as intentional as possible I’m going to see how much I can push them out of their comfort zones… this is where the real magic is… but also I would like this to be a recommendation or referral program to where we see the pros and cons of each person… but also see how they are developing… What I would describe myself ten years ago is not the same as I would describe myself now… and people’s opinions have changed I’m sure as well… and honestly I’m not a people pleaser anymore so it might be presumed I’m not as nice anymore but really I respect myself more and value myself and energy… but these things might not have the chance to be recognized from a brief encounter… so anyway… he told me his credentials of over twenty years experience…and his list includes working with Stanford University, Facebook on a global security project and NASA… I was like holy shit ok… I’m glad I’m talking to you about this then… seems like you know your shit… hehe… but I wasn’t really prepared… i was babbling and we happened to be free so we did a video chat… but I’m going to send him an email that will give him more information about what I’m looking to start and what questions I have for him.  I know that when I say I want people to give their information I was hoping somehow this could help people from around the world to travel to different countries so recruiting volunteers or communities could be possible and help them get their visas to travel.. and when they’re in a new country how to get SIM cards, transportation… just make it as simple as we can.  So I thought… let’s go journal about it and see if I can get better paragraphs out to him instead of my rambling chaotic manner i write.  Hehe… this reminds me of the conversation I had with my potential romantic interests I had earlie… well hell might as well get that off my chest too.  

So I’ll keep it brief as I can because I didn’t get his permission to spill the details but I’ll definitely express my side of things but again not in too much detail…. Hehe I’ll try my best too.  So I was in a state of limbo right now… After seven years of not being in a relationship in person mostly with a imaginary idea of an Australian man who I’d been having messages for the four years with … he’s not imaginary but the ideal of him was imaginary… he wasn’t reciprocating mutual feelings except at the beginning and he was not a safe space to express my feeling to and pretty much he thought I needed to see a psychiatrist because I was expressing my feeling for him honestly.  I wasn’t really ready to jump all in and so I was holding onto something that would actually help me stay celibate and learn to love and respect myself and not to mention focus to be in the Awakening… so thank you for that.. but now I’m ready to go all in full blown vulnerability and expressing my crazy to see whom I might attract.  Well.. my body was communicating that there seems to be a gentleman I reconnected with after five years.  I only knew him for about a week visiting his hostel and the rest has been random FB posts that we’d see… His posts were attracting my attention and so before I arrived to Indiana I planned to visit with him.  This is a broken record but I don’t know how much context I need to be including before I just go with it… I can’t find a way to find anything I’ve been able to say on here without having to go through all of it… so I figured if people don’t want to read through all of my entries.. I can give a little summary.  So long story short my body was showing me how extremely unusual I am when I am speaking to him specifically because of an attraction that seems to be far more deeper than I’ve had with anyone else I had spoken with in person.  So… I fumbled and bumbled around with words but I got it out to him that I was attracted to him more than friendship or business partnership… what I didn’t know when I told him this is that he was going through a breakup with one of his current partners… they had been together for over a year and none of us were prepared for the attraction and even though I’d like to explore this with him.. he needs time to process his feelings.  He doesn’t really know me from Eve… and so we also have the work trade volunteer boss relationship going too.  So I’m going to help tomorrow but I wanted to clarify to him that even though I enjoy contributing to his community the main reason I’m going is to hopefully get a chance to have some conversations with him.. real conversation and prefer more on the private side.  I know he’s going through a break up so I want to give him space to do what he needs to do… I still need more time to clear out my energies to allow myself to receive him fully so I understand but excited as well.  But I went ahead and gave it a go to see how he would handle my crazy… to wrap it up quickly I’ll just say… we had actual back and forth conversations… I’d write out well thought out communication and he would reciprocate with his well thought out communication.  I was vulnerable enough to share my crazy and he didn’t think I was psychotic and needed to go speak to a therapist… in fact he’s looking for a “truly transformative, soul-entangling intimacy/sexuality/romance”… and I said well… you just found one… hello there… it’s nice to finally meet you… I’ve been searching for you too… we chuckled over our conversation but he also said he just needs his solitude to figure his mess out right now but he notices the chemistry, finds me wildly attractive and easy to be around… and anyone he finds who has goals towards spirituality, karma, and big picture lifestyles he’s intersted in connect with… so I’m very satisfied at this time because he clearly communicated his needs at this time and I was able to do the same.  I’ve got this project on my mind right now.. so I can focus on that and see if and when we give this a shot.  

So… the project… geesh… again I feel like I have to give context because damn it I’ve been talking about this for a long time now but I don’t remember what all I disclosed and again it’s not like I can say go to this topic in my conversations because this isn’t setup like that.  So I guess I’ll just have to begin as if you don’t know what I had said in the past.  So I’m an Enlightenment shaman who is following her guidance from the Universe.  I’ve been intentionally working on removing attachment to labels that keep me in a human mind set instead of Universal mindset.  We are the Universe waiting to realize this within ourselves.  This is the path we’e always been on and many are ready to Realize this… I mean you’re on actualized.org forum page… I think you know what Leo’s all about… well I am too… and I’m hoping you are too.  I do have messages on how to assist in people to get to the Awakening through preparation and deconstruction, Ayahuasca and ceremonies, but mostly through the integration work.  But this hasn’t been my true calling… My messages are what happens after we Awaken?  So I’m not worried about people being able to Awaken… this is already happening… it’s just going through the process of Awakening for the last three years… I’m very fresh to what all I have been doing to process this transformation… it was necessary for me and I’m grateful I’ve been preparing myself to allow the freedom and time to process.  So yes… I’m planning on people Awakening when we’re ready to… but also ready to arrange things to allow the aftermath of Awakening… I cannot assume it’s going to be the same, but I have found tools and locations that might be helpful to assist in this time we’ll find ourselves in.  It’s happening and I’m excited and we’re all doing our thing… and this is my thing I’m working with the Universe on… at this stage it’s a system to network communities and volunteers.  In the bigger picture I’d like to establish this as a nonprofit so people over the world can travel easier with having borders they have to cross… not that the religous nonprofit will automatically do this, but right now that seems to be the easiest way for international travelers coming from third world countries.  We are the Universe… we can learn and benefit from anyone at anytime anywhere… as long as we are intentional and at higher degrees of consciousness.  So… people who are going to be involved with this system will agree to be on this mindset of growth and expansion for themselves and the collective.  This is where the idea switches away from what I see is out there right now.  My thinking is I don’t want everyone to be able to create an account, login, and not be involved actively.  Of course I don’t want to remove this population… but also I want to encourage stepping out of our comfort zones and engage… this is where the juice is… and so there will probably be a limit of stagnancy built in where if someone hasn’t logged in for a long duration… then they’re account will be removed.  I’m not sure how to get people to not have several accounts either.. especially since this is going to be a transparent community and if they start getting what could be considered negative marks… they might want to give up on the original account to start a new one… but this is about growth not perfection… so what if we get negative marks on us… we don’t want to run and hide and make things up… we want to own our current state of character and be inspired and motivated to make changes to mature and elevate our conscious levels.  I’m not sure how to do this thing while trying to keep the energies cleared and not crowded with toxic people creating drama because they’re bored and want attention.  I was thinking there’s going to be referral program… again where people can’t just sign up freely… they have to earn credibility somehow… I think this has been a concept in this Forum and I see why the attempt and I’m not afraid to attempt it again.  Not only do i want to maintain credibility to individuals but also to communities who want to be involved.  Yesterday I said I don’t want to assume a community is conscious enough to host intentional volunteers so I didn’t want to promote them… but maybe there’s a referral system but also maintain a level of credibility to stay an option for intentional volunteers.  I’ve been wanting nonprofits to work together why not communities too?  If we aren’t familiar with a particular area we’re struggling with… why not network with our community to get answers, workshops, and volunteers to get the challenge addressed and find multiple solutions and start to go through them until we’re satisfied with our results.  If we are tearing down structures or digging dirt or have extra llama hair and dung… why not let other communities know that there’s excess of something we have and if someone wants to use these supplies it’s available.  Transportation would also be something I’d like to include to make it easier to go from one community to another.  Again how do we use what’s already in the play and collaborate together… extend and connect the communities that are already in existence but want to intentionally work together and learn… I feel many of us are ready for this… and those who are not… are not being forced to.. in fact I hope they’re not attracted to our system… just to cause problems.  Geesh I don’t like to assume any of this.. but it was shocking when I came onto this forum and was reading some of the posts… and I too live in a world where some of us are not ready to trust and share… but those who are ready… why not make it easier to find one another.  We’re out here… we’re doing the work… we’re looking for more of us… and we’re attracting one another… can this be an additional tool to use?  I think I can give this more thought and see if I can start reaching out to my known network of friends and family… and see if we can start creating brainstorming events to give feedback and also make it happen.  this is where I’m at… and I have the energy and time to dive into more… but not at this exact moment… hehe… I’m hungry and my eyes are hurting a bit… I’m doing some digital art and I think I want to go play around some more for this evening… it’s very relaxing and I want to leave early tomorrow.  Ok.. this is good for now.. until next… enjoy ourselves