Chaos to Clarity... Exposing Myself

[withinUverse]

Alright… it’s been a good break and I’m starting to have things happening in my life that I feel would be beneficial to share… to see if I can gain any insights through the journaling process.  So where to begin… well… I guess I can write about the things that are coming up within a month.  So the grant proposal that I’m working on is going to be due a little over a month and I’m getting excited as I’m clarifying the vision for the next two years.  And I’m trying to hint what will come after.  But I also have started preparing my little buddy to travel to Hawaii… we’ll go in next week for his titer blood withdraw so he will be allowed to enter Hawaii again.  I have a friend who is from Sweden who is coming to the States for the first time and it’s getting me excited yet there are things that are coming up that I think I want to address first.  Yeah… I’ll start here and see where it goes.  So I met him in Peru during a Couchsurfing situation.  He owned a home that he used as a hotel and when there were empty rooms he would allow Couchsurfer come and enjoy the area and that’s how I met him.  I feel like I’ve mentioned this before.  I remember when I was there and the night I was going to go and meet him… I was finishing up ceremonies and I remember how excited I was to meet him… there was a weird occurrence which seemed similar to a ceremonial feeling and I didn’t really understand why I was so excited to meet him.  I just want to be frank but I had a feeling that he was a potential romantic partner.  Even though I am extremely drawn to the Australian man… I still have tendencies to be open to polyamorous situations… so at the time I was wondering if he was connect to the Aussie in some way.  It didn’t turn out to be that but still we had a great time together but was very brief.  We’ve been communicating off and on ever since and he’s decided that he wanted to meet me in person again this year.  And last week we pretty much officially started making plans for him to come here for the first time.  This is the first time hosting someone where I am not in my own location.  Usually when people come to visit and I host I can take time off and show them around and spend majority of my time to share with them.  In the situation I’m in.. I don’t know if I will be able to make that happen.  I’m already getting on the ball and talking to people and seeing what options we might have.  So right now he is working remotely and so he would be working during the mornings. If he decides to stay with me at the temple as a volunteer then he would need to work hours in the evening to stay here on property.  So it doesn’t sound like the ideal situation for him on his first visit here.  So we’re going to be talking again in the next few days to see if we can find different arrangements… but I’m starting to see if there is anyone here who could host him for short periods of time so he won’t have to be working all the time and will have options to be able to explore this beautiful state while he’s here to visit.  I’ve been seeing myself getting protective of his comfort level.  I was talking to a friend here and he asked me if I feel like I need to protect him?  And I find that I do find myself feeling this way for some reason.  What really am I feeling?  So… when I’m in situations that aren’t necessarily ideal… it doesn’t really bother me.  Putting myself in uncomfortable situations helps me grow and see where the areas I can work on.  And I have been building skills of detachment and acceptance that uncomfortable environments aren’t an issue for me.  BUT when I have someone I care about who wants to come into the same situations is when I really start to questions whether this is a space that is really a place I’d like them to experience.  So I am very appreciative of the temple experience I have here… there are many positive aspects, but also there are some aspects that aren’t ideal and I feel like if I can find alternative options than… that would be best to have options.  So yes I’m going to go ahead and address this as well.  Now again I’m grateful and respect what I’ve been able to gain in this experience; however, there are aspects that aren’t ideal.  When visiting this temple the initial impression can be very impressive and status and reputation is important for the owners here.  So they have high expectations on how they are being perceived from guests… but there are things that seem to be missing.  So maybe it’s not missing but what I would be able to bring into a situation is probably what I look for when I visit locations.  So I guess the first thing is there is lacking warmth here.  I come into situations wanting to be warm and friendly and open to conversations and that isn’t necessarily what guests get here when they visit.  Many of the regulars who are here have been here on this property almost on their own little island and very comfortable to allowing people to come and go as they please… but not really taking the time to get to know the people who do become attracted to come and visit.  I have a personality who wants to give quality personal service and hospitality… I also really appreciate the people who come into my awareness in this life… so I want all to be welcome and I am curious who is interested in coming at this time.  So in my perception I feel that I was judged when I first came here.  I had to give referrals to be able to even volunteer here on a weekly basis.  Many volunteers come and go here and referrals were not needed for anyone else that I know of… at least not since I’ve been here on property.  I’ve been enjoying my time to get to know the volunteers who have decided to live here for a few weeks… and many regulars seem to not want to get to know them to personal degrees and it makes me wonder why that is?  I seem to want to build relationships beyond the near future… I guess many of the people I meet develop deeper the longer we allow our relationships grow.  Yes there are many times that many people I meet I don’t build relationships with but many do evolve… so that’s why I try my best to give the opportunity for the relationship to develop.  

 

What is it that I really don’t want my friend to experience here?  Dismissiveness and disrespect…. This is probably my concern for him to feel this way from the people he would meet here.  I’m sure he’s had experiences like this in his life, but I guess when it comes to me recommending and introducing a location and community that this wouldn’t be a part of the experience.  But again this isn’t my temple so it’s not that I’ve built this mentality and brand so I shouldn’t feel like I am responsible for how this has been developing here.  But I have met people who are attentive and respectful and curious about people’s ideas and interests… that’s where I’m trying to find ways for him to be able to spend time with these people.  Geesh… I wonder if he really should be visiting me at this time.  I am getting so excited to have him here, but also I wish I was a bit more prepared to host someone at this time.  

 

There’s an area that I’m avoiding… there’s a few aspects that I’m avoiding which I’m noticing that I’m doing and I’m wondering why I’m doing this?  Why am I being hesitant to saying what is really going on in my mind at this time?  I know I love to use journaling to purge out my thoughts but I also feel like many will not understand this process if they haven’t done it for themselves.  I want to purge and it’s so beneficial… but when I get into the purging process it sounds so unbalanced and so it’s a one sided story and many will not be able to intuit that there is more than what I’m purging about that is going on here.  But damn it… that’s why I got on here was to purge…so.. it is what it is, right?  

 

So I’ve been here at the temple… again I cannot explain how grateful I have been to be here for the last few months and I plan on continuing the help here until the festival at the end of the month and even the clean up through mid April…. By then I’ll be preparing to head to Hawaii to visit my family but also explore Hawaii in a the way I haven’t been able to do but I’m ready this time.  So… I was hesitant to come here because I knew that my style of Spirituality isn’t necessarily accepted here.  I am trying my best to be respectful, but I do find that I’m finding more people who come to visit and we start talking about Spirituality and my story comes out.  I’m also writing my grant proposal which also involves Awakening practices and so it’s just so very present in my awareness… and I really don’t know if it will not be there.  I don’t know if I ever want to lose this connection anyway… i don’t think it’s possible.  But anyway… I’ve been getting challenged to speak my truth.  I have been holding in a lot of expression to the regulars and owners of this temple.  I’ve been able to express with guests, but for some reason this isn’t as fulfilling as wanting to address this to the owners.  Why? Friends of mind are saying they are older and set in their ways… there’s nothing you can say which will make them change their minds and ways… so stop dwelling over it.  I’m trying my best to not dwell but the more I hear their teachings the more things well up inside and thankfully I’ve had friends able to allow me space to purge but I also wonder if I’m really going to be here for three months and not saying my truth?  I share a similar purpose of raising consciousness towards liberation or Awakening or whatever it means when we develop our consciousness to be in direct communication with the divine through everyday life.  I know we all are working our way to this but is it really up to me to address this to them at this time?  Do they really think of me as someone they want to build a relationship with and work together in the future as well?  I would definitely be open for this… but the relationship wouldn’t be how it’s here at the moment.  It’s very one-sided and I’d like to build a mutual relationship and more reciprocal.  If reciprocation is not present… do I really need to be patient with the relationship until it’s ready to be?  Geesh…. As I’m writing about this… this is bringing up romantic relationships as well… 

 

I feel like I’ve been noticing how much I’ve been wanting to run away and avoid… with my friend from Sweden coming to visit… it’s been exciting but challenging.  I’m afraid what might happen when he comes to visit.   What I’m afraid of is actually if anything starts to become romantic.  I haven’t allowed myself to experience this in many years and it really seems that I’ve been transforming so much that it was an entirely different person who used to have romantic relationships.  There have been times when romance and actually sexual aspects are introduced into my life… and it can be challenging and exciting.  It’s exciting when there is a mutual curiosity and challenging when it’s not mutual.  My friend and I are mutually curious about each other… and I’m trying to be open to see where are relationship can go.  I deeply feel we’ll have a great friendship bond…. But is there any romantic feelings?  I feel like I don’t really know him deeply enough.. but because I’ve kept myself away from romantic relationships I wonder what I will do if this is introduced to who I am right now.  I tried to flirt with the Aussie a few weeks ago and it seemed like it went right over his head.  And really I felt like I was being quite crude with my attempt to flirt and I’m laughing at myself about how out of practice I am for attracting romantic conversations.  It’s so weird when we message each other… it seems like we’re both trying to be casual and cool yet ultimately awkward… lol… but I also feel he’s going through a lot of introspection work on his business aspects.  He is not happy and I know he wants to make changes… it’s just so tricky to actually make changes.  So I’m sure this is not the appropriate time to cheer him up or let him know that he’s got so much going on for him then his work.  Especially when he’s in a space of brooding.  

Run away and avoid??  There seems like there are changes coming up and I feel like I’m trying to give excuses to keep distance from people.  A part of me wants to give opportunities for him to not come and visit with me.  I asked him if he really knows how unusual I am… and how challenging it can be to be around me.  I know how to seem normal, but normal isn’t really who I am.  He chuckled and said that he’s well aware of this and that’s why he wants to get to know me more and is interested in hanging out with me.  I haven’t really let him know what I’m planning for the next few years… so he thinks that I’m just really going with the flow and so he’s been entertaining ideas to have us go to Argentina or go traveling through Europe in a camper van.  As I am writing this grant… again clarity has been increasing and I am not interested in doing this at this time.  I have visions that cannot come out of my mind… and I’m getting more and more confident that I’m starting to see the path to getting these visions into manifestation.  It’s been weird… I’ve been sewing some new clothes to wear in Hawaii and as I’ve been sitting here the last few days I’ve been getting dejavú.  There something I’m trying to remember in this moment…. There are feeling that seem similar to when I was in Peru last time.  At first it seems like my paranoia that came over me when I was in solo sessions.  Is this why I’m being so critical of the temple?  I was laughing at myself because I thought maybe they might be wanting to sabotage me in some way… I’m wondering why would they even care to do this?  But it came into my thoughts.  When I remember my paranoia in the solo sessions it lead me to where I needed to learn, but also I saw how extremely dramatic I took it and had to take time to relax and not go to so many extremes. I tried to remember when I leave this temple if we are happy… dejavú is a working process with me… and it felt like I remember at least two people here that are regulars who seem to be so similar that I knew I would meet them… but I was trying to see if I could remember if we end this time together was a happy situation and not something crazy… hehe… There is another time in Peru that is coming up at this time as well… I went to Cusco and I was at a hostel and I knew that my cat and I were not going to be there long and that they were going to ask us to leave soon… and that’s a feeling I have right now as well.  And I keep wondering if this is a future vision of what’s going to happen… or is it something that happens because I’m thinking it’s going to happen?  I remember when I was in Peru as much as I was trying to relax and not think about this going to happen… it was still in my thought and yes… it happened.  And I’ve been getting thoughts literally today during service as if some people walk up to me and escort me to leave.  I kept looking at the people who were entering to see if they were gong to approach me.  Again this paranoia feeling is happening and it’s something I”m dealing with which isn’t something I’d like to have in my experience, but I feel I’m going to be learning what this is and how I respond and why I respond this way.  I think that’s why I came on here to write about it.  My mind is going in ways that seems to be quite unrealistic.  But honestly it’s not too unbelievable either.  

 

Escort me out of the building?  Why?  What have I done or will do to have someone want to escort me?  It’s crazy because I have been entertaining the idea to stop living here on property and just volunteer on Saturdays for the llamas and help with the festival, but allow more time for me to focus on the grant and spend time with my friend.  But this week during my volunteer hours went so well… I loved spending the time with the guests that came to visit.  We all were having a great time sharing our energies with one another… and many stayed hours with me… and it was hard to want to leave these opportunities to connect with amazing people.  There were children and pet connections that happened this week which I loved.  The first was with an eleven month year old boy who I found us crawling and rolling around the floor together while his parents got the time to enjoy their meal together.  They were taking video and pictures of us because they said that he usually doesn’t act this way with people… and they loved watching how we are interacting with one another.  Well… I was in heaven loving on this little one.  There was a four year girl who came with her mother on another day… it seemed like the mother wanted to be able to talk with the priest at our temple… so I was able to entertain the daughter to give mom some personal time… but we all sat down and played and talked and again it was very enjoyable.  There were two guys who I love talking with and it was a very slow evening so I got to spend a long conversation with them… and I’m really looking forward to get to know them more… I’m hoping we might all get the chance to hangout this Tuesday on my day off.  And then the last day there was a couple who came in with one of their pet bunnies.  They said it was a mix of a dwarf Netherland and lion head… I think that’s what it’s called…and his name is Babycakes… too cute!  Yeah… I really enjoy being with the guests and it seems like they enjoy me as well… so I’m not sure why anyone would like to escort me out of this situation?  Why would I think someone is trying to get me?  Might not get me, but want to do harm to me?  And what’s weird it’s not like I”m really feeling afraid or paranoid… how do I explain this.  I just am getting a feeling that there might be something that might happen…. But I feel like I’m calm and be able to experience this is a very relaxed manner.  I haven’t done anything wrong.. so why get upset?  lol… why is this going on in my mind?  It is so I’ll express it…. I guess these are areas of shadow work that I will be addressing at this time.  

 

I don’t feel the flow that comes when I’d be getting some answers from journaling so… I’ll wrap this up.  But we’ll see if I can get back into the flow in a few days… see how I can get back in to the journaling flow.  For now… I’m getting a bit sleepy and looking forward to getting some rest.  Oh the two guys who I hope to hang out with on Tuesday… they have given me some tea to help get some rest.  My mind seems to be more active right now.. so it should assist.  I’m not sure I see any benefits, but I still appreciate them sharing this with me… and I’ll see how affective with more usage.  But ok… until next time.  

[withinUverse]

“Through all of my lives
I never thought I'd wait so long for you
The timing is right
The stars are aligned

So save that heart for me
Cause girl (boy) you know that you're my destiny
Swear to the moon, the stars
The sons, and the daughters
Our love is deeper than the oceans of water

Hey, I need you now
I've waited oh so long yeah
Baby love, I need you now
I've waited oh so long”

This song “Past Lives” by Borns is going over and over in my head.  If you want to check it out you can listen to it  Here  on Youtube… enjoy!

 

So… I’ve got this festival coming up at the end of the month… and I’ve been inviting friends to come and volunteer.  I don’t know if anyone will be able to make it for the actual festival but my friend from Sweden will be arriving a few days after.  We spoke a few days ago and showed me the location where he’s staying at in Columbia.  It’s a really sweet little village… well not so little but still a beautiful location.  He was trying to rub it in how he’s in paradise… paradise for me can look many ways, but seeing all the fruit trees did trigger a desire to eat some sweet fruits… Hawaii will have many opportunities for some fresh fruits… sounds amazing.  I was trying to let him know what the rules are for being a volunteer at the temple and he seemed to feel like there wouldn’t be an issue.  Eating vegetarian and no caffeine and volunteering 24 hours during the week wasn’t a problem for him.  I was saying that I was trying to find people to host him so it’s like recruiting Couchsurfing hosts without them actually being involved with Couchsurfing before.  I told him how I’m at the guest house but most volunteers will stay at the cabin with the owners.  The guest house is usually reserved for the performers for the festival, guests who are willing to pay around fifty bucks per night, or if the cabin of volunteers is full.

I spoke to an older gentleman who I find I chat with every Sunday.  He came over Sunday after service to hangout and I mentioned it to him and he’s going to think about it.  He said he has an older home and probably won’t be the ideal location.  I said it’s not a big deal if he doesn’t feel comfortable to host… I just said that he likes to go on short hikes in the mountains in the surrounding area which would might be nice to join him with some good companions with interesting conversations.  He was more interested in going on some little adventures more than anything.  He use to travel all over the desert while he was young and more nibble.  We were talking about navigation and he mentioned that he really never needed to use a map and compass because somehow he just never would get lost.  It didn’t matter if he tried to because he would just be able to see the landscape and remember how to get in and out regardless of how many twists and turns.

I hung out with two friends who I’ve really been enjoying our conversations when they come to eat on Saturdays.  I went over to their house and met their two sweet rescue dogs.  Pippa and Perry… oh my goodness they’re so adorable!  Pippa wants all the attention and loving while Perry is timid and wants love but is very hesitant with a lot of attention.  Perry has a perfectly marked heart on his body which I guess most people notice right away like myself.  These guys are really comfortable for me.  They say they’re more on the introverted side but I haven’t had any issue having deep conversations with them.  They took me on a walk along the river walk which was really nice.  I was asking them more about their histories growing up in a Mormon community.  It was interesting what they have to say while they were growing up and going to school in this type of community.  We discussed the positive and negative effects being involved with this history.  They invited me for tea afterwards… they’ve started a selection of teas to enjoy.  I had a combination of Hibiscus, Lemon balm, and Comfrey.  They love plants and know quite a bit of information about them.  I’ve always thought it was cool how they forage for “mountain salad”.  Yes… I’m looking forward to building relationships with them.  

The current volunteers have been asking to hangout and play uno… normally I say yes, but lately I’ve been wanting to have more own space or maybe distancing myself with specific people.  I’ve been enjoying challenging my mind with sewing projects and allowing my mind to ruminate over the grant.  So I’m still trying to find the words to describe what I’m trying to create that is professional and organized while not being so airy-fairy and all over the place… hehe.  I’ve been reaching out to the people I know that is going to be involved whether I get their consent to list their names or if I should list them as anonymous.  Most of them have given me their consent; however, there are a few on the list that I haven’t asked them for consent but I know I want to involve them… but listing them as anonymous is rewarding as well because I know they’ll come on board eventually but whenever they choose is the right time for them will be the right time for us.  It seems like the most cherished in my life are on that anonymous list…and are still my significant teachers and supporters… and I have the most patience with to allow them the space and time to see if they can find themselves and their visions would be able to be weaved into the projects I’m creating.  

I’m just really excited but very calm at the same time… I’ve got my sewing machine calling my name… so I’m going to get off here and finish up my projects.  Until next time… enjoy yourself! 

[withinUverse]

 Well… it’s been awhile since I’ve written and there seems like there’s things that have happened that could be highlights… I guess I”ll just mention a few, but there’s something on my mind that I think journaling on here would be great to get down my thoughts.  Let’s see… the last time I wrote was March 7th… so I did get an invitation to sing backup for a band at the festival of colors here at the temple.  It was my first time singing on stage with a band and there were around 5,000 people so that was cool and it was quite fun!  It was like a swing rock band and yes I really enjoyed that.  It was the last weekend of March.  It’s the main event of the year here at the temple and it was fun for a one time thing, but it’s not really my style of festival.  Yes everyone loves the whole color aspect of it… throwing dyed cornstarch, but wow the cleanup is something else and all the plastic that is till being found on property from time to time because there’s so much trash that gets left behind… and combing the grass!?! Not sure if that’s the healthiest for the grass… but the guests seems to really enjoy it.  And the temple has four llcs that I know of and it all seems to revolve around the festival.  They have one for the admittance for the festival, they sell the colored power as another llc because they sell and ship the colors for other events that happen throughout the year, they have the third llc with the food they make and sell at the festival… I’m not sure if it’s also the same llc when it comes to the daily buffet… the last one they have is selling llamas which isn’t part of the festival… but I understand this is the one event that pretty much funds the temple monetarily I guess.  But when it comes to this festival there is so much storage that is taken up for the event.  There’s such a huge building which loooks like it would be a really cool space to use but it’s now just storage.  I’m guessing it wasn’t built to be a storage space, but that’s what they talk about a lot… and they seem very proud of the results of how the event has taken them thus far.  I’m not really sure if I feel it’s that successful because they don’t really have much of a “congress” i guess or their definition of devotees from this festival.  People just come for the one day to enjoy but it doesn’t necessarily get them to want to explore what the temple is actually for.

A week after the festival my buddy from Sweden came to visit me here at the ashram for two weeks.  I really enjoyed having him around.  We hadn’t seen each other in person in like 5-6 years, but it was easy to be around each other.  He didn’t know what he was getting into while he was here… I tried to explain, but words just don’t give an encompassing ideas of what the actual experience can relay.  But I think for the most part he enjoyed himself.  The favorite thing he enjoyed was when we went camping on the full moon night in the desert with another friend.  He has never done any psychedelics before and I wanted to do a Bufo ceremony for myself since it had been awhile, but I did invite them to join if they wanted to.  It was not planned out, but they both said yes and they were both very timid especially since it was being smoked.  My Swedish friend hasn’t really smoked before… he said he had done hooks maybe a hand full of times but not really.  I didn’t get their permission about writing about their experience.  But it went well for first timers.  They definitely understand what I keep trying to explain that conversation will never grasp what ceremony is until they actually do it.  I wouldn’t say they went in as deep as I would like… lol… I had to give them both shotguns of smoke for the first round.  And I gave them a second round later by the fires and they did it on their own and it looked like they were giving their best effort.  So it went exactly how it should’ve gone… just like it always does. I had my own issue I was working through during our camping trip that I knew I was going to face and observe to see how I responded to it.  I was trying to not sleep on the same mattress as my Swedish buddy in the tent.  I was saying how I’ll just sleep outside watching the stars, but I also ended up just giving in because I was making it much more of a bigger deal than it should have been… mostly in my mind… he is a very sweet man… and I trust him and goodness… it’s been a lifetime since I’ve cuddled with a man at night.  So we did cuddle that night and I enjoy being held and touching another body… nothing intimate just companionship type.  And I enjoyed it.  In fact I had to tell him before he left that it has been a very long time since I’ve had that type of closeness… yes it wasn’t any kissing or sensual situations… but hugging and holding seems very intimate nowadays.. and so I told him this is why it might have felt like I was being a bit awkward… When he was done packing and we were about to head to the bus stop together I went ahead and jumped in his lap and held each other… because damn it…. It feels good to embrace.  I use to be such a touchy feely person and I’ve noticed that I rarely touch anyone anymore… but I have been getting back to hugging people more.  I love to hug and I feel like its become more natural again.  

We actually spoke to each other for the first time since he left today over video chat.  It’s very easy to speak with him… because of our conversation is why I figured I can do some journaling tonight.  I have found a neighborhood horse that is by itself in a smaller-ish pen that I’ve been visiting and while I was walking back I was like… yeah maybe we can write this stuff down… some of the insights I’ve been thinking about since I’ve been at this ashram for six months.  I’ve been wondering what all I can be gaining and learning as I’ve been here… and there’s been a lot of rest and purging… but ideas have also been intriguing me a bit more so I think I’ll go ahead and write it out.  

Ok.. how do I start this?  So… since my transition I’ve been observing the changes that have been going on in my reality now.  Most of the messages I was receiving last time I was in my Aya and master plant dieta which now involves working with people… like collaborating with people.  Prior to the Awakening most of my messages were very personal on what changes I can do to elevate my consciousness… but now I’m moving into a new direction… it’s not necessarily new since I’ve always wanted to better my skills in collaboration.. but it seems like the dynamics is much more connected into a web that continues to form in the back of my mind.  And also understanding more of how the collective is part of who I am… the approach so far is far more passive.  lol… I’m not sure if it makes sense but when I was working on my personal lessons it seemed like it was easier for me to make decisions in a more assertive way.  Even though I still have assertive qualities, but when I’m searching for collaborators I feel most of my time is being passive and observant and curious to the people who are in my reality at this time.  So… I’ve been trying to see why I was drawn to stay in this ashram at this time?  

First of all…. This has been the first actual ashram that I’ve ever stayed in.  I’ve been looking to be involved in an ashram for six-ish years now… since I’ve consciously started my Spiritual journey.  Wanting to have a space where I can focus on integration with the messages I’ve received and before I found this space… I assumed that I would have to be identified or label to a specific Eastern tradition to be able to be allowed to stay at an ashram.  I remember when I was in Peru after my dieta thinking I’m going to have to go to India or something to find an ashram… my body was yelling at me to go and figure out what the hell just happened to me.. lol.  I even did Sadhguru’s inner engineering program to be able to go and be a volunteer while I was at my dad’s before I decided to just stay there… because in a way it was a type of ashram as well.  He allowed me so much space to just explore myself.  And I’m so grateful to have him as a father who can allow me a year to digest what happened to me.  I again thought it was time for me to start earning the bucks to get onto my journey with my visions hence I moved to Utah for the wilderness therapy gig… but shortly into the move I found an ashram that allowed me to stay.  Again I’m extremely grateful to be able to find a place to continue my rest and understanding.  I’m not certain this is a typical ashram though… lol… but it was the ashram I was supposed to find because there’s been so much I’ve been able to gain value as I’ve been here.  I was very hesitant moving onto property because of the owners here.  I’m going to try my best to portray my feelings without disrespecting them.  But the personalities they have formed for themselves is typically not my cup of tea.  And normally I wouldn’t have even given it a chance… but putting myself into uncomfortable situations has always been beneficial in my growth.  I too wanted to see if or how I would be able to engage in this environment.  

I can say that I’m proud of how well I’ve been handling myself with such domineering personalities.  It’s definitely similar to a my way or the high way type of thing here.  They were told right off the back briefly about my Aya shamanism practices which has guided my spiritual practices along with yoga techniques.  But not much detail went into this conversations because they aren’t really interested in getting to know what that actually means.  I might be a broken record but they are more of the preaching way instead of the conversational way.  They only want to tell their views of the “right” spiritual practices and have no interest in practices that aren’t their way.  So I respected this and I did not go into details with them.  I’ve been patient and I did actually get a chance to discuss this further on Thursday with one of them when we had a round trip of 3 hours in the car together.  I was surprised she even asked more about it.  It has only taken six months of time together for her to be curious enough to ask about my spiritual practices.  It was nice to see that she was curious… I’ve been trying to demonstrate the difference between preaching and embodiment.  And eventhough it’s a longer process to observe behavior… being patient and just being myself… I figured some day their might be conversations about how my approach to spirituality is eventhough it differs from their personal choice.  Let’s just say… they’ve been looking for someone to take over and manage their property for around ten years now.  There has been several devotees that have come and tried, but it doesn’t take long for them to give up on pursuit because of the owners personalities.  I’ve heard that if the owners decide to actually leave for their retirement that most of the devotees who were interested in managing would return in a heart beat… but they aren’t going anywhere.  That’s actually what I joined her in the car ride.  She and her husband are finally going to build a separate cabin specifically and mostly for them to enjoy their remaining time in their bodies.  They’ve been living in the basement of the shared cabin where all the volunteers stay while they are here.  She finally said that it would be nice for them to have privacy.  I agree and have the opportunity to rest in a deeper manner without having to engage with volunteers 24 hours a day.  I know part of it is that they think they are living a selfless and simplified manner by living with the volunteers, but I also know that part of them doesn’t trust anyone so they didn’t trust having volunteers at the cabin without supervision.  But they both turned 78 this year and they have decided that it’s time to be more in solitude when they aren’t active in temple activities.  I’m glad they are going to do this for themselves.  It’s not selfish to want this for themselves.  Regardless of what I might say next, they have dedicated their lives to their spiritual practices to the best of their capabilities and they do deserve and be worthy of doing this for themselves.  

Now even though I’m proud of how I’ve done so far in this dynamic… I do have to admit that it’s been extremely challenging.  There’s a lot of negativity and disrespect when it comes to conversations dealing with them… and I’ve been finding that there has been many months of being passive and not reactive to how much I dislike this behavior.  It’s really uncalled for and their is far more effective ways to communicate, but again they are only doing the best of their abilities… I understand this, but in another way… the leaders are the example and to talk like a human a bit more… if I was a devotee of these leaders… I’d be a bit embarrassed or ashamed that they are the example to follow.  It might be harsh but it is true.  They definitely aren’t up to the standards I hold myself and that’s fine.  That’s why it’s challenging for me to work anymore because the leaders I’m supposed to being working under just aren’t up to par.  But that’s here nor there at the moment.  Welp… Friday I showed a little bit of attitude when I was dealing with her as we were working with the llamas and a few volunteers.  Granted… i do not mind at all helping her with chores she wants to do… but I’m at the limit it seems of how she communicates her wants.  It is going to seem very picky because I’m only going to be giving one example which isn’t really going to explain the actual daily way of the communication we live with.  But it seems like there has been buyers who are interested in purchasing some llamas right now.  I might have my own personal issues of dealing with this along with how she barks instead of talks to us…. That led me to push at her buttons a bit.  So the first buyer was coming and we had prepared around eight llamas by grooming them before they showed up to view and select.  We were finishing up and she said she’d like to go ahead and take pictures of four alternative llamas that will be available for the second buyer in a month or so.  We are short handed on the farm right now and with this being spring fever season… we usually don’t have the males and females together in the same area.  And we definitely saw why… they haven’t had time in each others space and they get completely excited and don’t care what we have for them to do… hehe… I’m not sure why they haven’t been able to “play” together yet either… but this is not my call.  Anyway the plan was to grab the four boys and quickly walk them through the barn where some of the ladies were and get them to an area on property where we’ll groom them and then take pictures.  Well… as we are trying to get the boys out of the barn onto the property she was yelling at us to grab the brushes so we can groom them… we were just trying to get them out without any direct interactions but when we had to grab the brushes the male and females started to engage and of course they started to go nuts… not in a bad way… they were just all very excited to be around one another… and even though they get trained doesn’t mean they want to listen when they finally get a chance to be around the girls… hehe… so they are cheering and they are very strong so getting them away from the girls is not any easy task.    We finally get them onto property and we start to groom them and a minute into brushing… which means we didn’t even really get a start she starts to yell at us to let’s go ahead and take pictures.  I asked her… did you not want us to groom them for the pictures?  She said never mind that just take pictures now.  And for some reason it triggered me… hehe… i tossed my brush in the air and said well ok… this is bullshit but whatever she wants we better follow her demands.  I led my llama to her and said llama… you better stand right here and don’t move because this is what she wants from you.  Someone passed me a piece of straw grass and I said llama you better eat this grass right now because she told you, you have to eat it right now.  She didn’t like the side view shot and wanted a different angle and I said man llama… why don’t you read her mind and do exactly what she wants the first time. She hasn’t had me respond this way to her before and she actually chuckled when she saw that she got under my skin a bit.  Plenty of volunteers and devotees lash out back and forth but I’ve been able to stay calm until that day…hehe.  And its just again holding in all these thoughts which isn’t healthy but I think it’s the respectful thing to do… to not feed her negativity, but i guess my reaction was fire with fire… of course it wasn’t that crazy disrespectful or anything, but again when it never happens it does create a response of woah… something just happened that doesn’t happen… of course my hope is for her to evaluate what might have gone down for me to react in this manner… but I already know she just told everyone I was in a bad mood.  I said just because I’m trying to train her that I’m not going to continue to respond nicely if she chooses to only bark and not talk.  And just because I’m not appreciating how she treats us doesn’t mena that my whole day is going to go sour and I’m upset with the whole world now.  There just seems like there is always a state of emergency and importance to everything she wants done when she speaks her desires to the volunteers.  Granted its not all the time… but I’d definitely give it a 60% of the time this is how she speaks to everyone.  Taking pictures of the llamas is not an emergency and it wasn’t really of importance either.  She even mentioned that she’ll have to probably take new pictures after they are groomed… ummmm…. Exactly… she couldn’t wait what 15 minutes for us to groom them before taking pictures… since there was three of us for four llamas… it might have taken possibly 30 minutes to do them all… but we had the time… and why in the hell was all the yelling about grabbing brushes if we weren’t going to even use them?  This is one of the ways… which I’m sure she’s not fully aware of… of how she drains energy from the people who are involved with the volunteer work.  She sits on her throne and bosses everyone around to do her bidding.  Again mostly there’s not a conversation in a civil voice and attitude of respect when asking us to do chores for her, but a demanding and yes I’m going to continue to say a disrespectful manner to how she communicates.  Again she is the owner and she’s an elder…so majority of us want to respect her… but there’s not reciprocal respect and so our energy gets drained.  Goodness I would absolutely not want to hear her internal conversation with herself.  The way we treat and speak to people demonstrates a part of how we treat and speak to ourselves.  I’ve been trying to give a little heads up to the new coming volunteers to not take how they communicate personally… however, it does show us things to work on ourselves by our reactions or our responses… observe how we feel when we are engaged in these types of conversations.  Most of the people here to volunteer are more then happy to help out around the temple, but instead of being grateful to have people to help out… it’s as if we’re incompetent laymen who should be grateful to have the chance to help at this temple.  Ok… I’ve been going on this rant… seems like I needed to purge this out… but I’m going to gather myself and redirect my initial intention of this entry.    

So the Ashram aspect…. This is definitely something I can see integrating into my future… especially an ashram farm.  In theory I knew this would be something I could find beneficial but again…. I had to live it to see whether it was true or not.  So my entire life is about raising our consciousness… and I’ve been interested in a global community in some fashion… and while I was speaking with my buddy today… I could actually start to see how it could work.  Now just because I can see how it can work doesn’t mean it’s going to go exactly as planned… but yes… I’m starting to see how things can play out even in the rules of society at this time.  Again how to explain the ideas that’s going on in my thoughts?  There seems to be so many legs to this that the sequence could probably be better planned out as a discussion but… again this is my journaling style which seems chaotic because I just allow my thoughts to flow as they come… But maybe this is a lesson of patience for us all who happen to read these entries… hehe… I’ll get there!

I know I’m going to be help and building communities… around the world.  I already know of a community in a village in the Amazonas.  In an intimate way I’ll be helping with the Aya retreat center to focus on ceremonies and master plant jungle farming… not to mention whatever’s going to happen with my vision of digging… but besides this the village itself is something I’d like to help assist with getting them to live a bit more comfortably than what it is now.  A bit more comfortable so they can start using their energies in ways more than survival.  So to try to just get it out briefly… a few things I’d like to suggest is the homes having more guards against insects… the build of the home a bit more sustainable with the materials we use.  It would possibly be nice to also include bedding… many I know sleep on the wood floor or on hammocks… I’m trying to not suggest outrageous changes… but having better options to rest and relax is beneficial for everyone.  Water… water seems like a primary focus for me lately when it comes to design… not saying that I have the answers yet but it seems like something that is important… the quality of water that is in the village can be looked at but also hydroelectricity for the village using the Ucayali river but the extreme seasons of rainy to dry is vast… how to harvest, store, redirect, and purify water is something I want the community and a team of experts and creatives to look at.  The roads are dirt roads and not in the best of shape… again finding more sustainable materials would be preferable in my opinion… but also grading the land to help filter the water away or around the roads I feel is important which isn’t happening now.  There’s a ton of rain during the raining season… I mean the village looks almost like a different village because there’s a lake or a large river actually through a good part of the town which isn’t there during the dry season.  They know this and use to it… but instead of the rain washing away the roads and collecting and standing on the roads… grading the roads and landscape to divert the water… I don’t know if this is something they might be interested in… but using hydro agriculture at the side of the roads so when the water is being diverted into storage possibly plants can be hovering above the water so the roots are gaining it’s necessary benefits to grow.  Again this is not something I’ve actually done… just saw some resources and dabbled into exploring… hence why I’d love to work with professionals and creatives who actually done this process to help steer designs that possibly might be effective.  From one village to the next is quite a bit of distance… I thought it would be cool to be able to have edible healthy local foods along the roads for everyone to enjoy but also take care of.  I’m not sure but I’m thinking there could even be a revolving crops where these roadside plants can be replanted into locations agreed upon… I mean not all of the plants have to be edible either… if there are certain wild flowers or grasses to transplant to locations again to assist in the initial phases.  I’ve been dabbling in the gardens here… and thinking about the approach my shaman wants to do with the master dieta plants.  I got the impression with the master plants we don’t do a standard farming in rows… we plant them in the jungle because the diversity and energy of the jungle plays a part in the healthy and potency of the effectiveness of the benefits the master plants get from growing in its natural environment instead of in rows where we are pulling out the so called weeds.  “Weeds” and undesired plant… who decides this?  With the revolving volunteers coming in and out… it’s interesting to see one group view what are weeds…. And then as a new group arrives… they weed almost everything except what we planted because their thoughts of an undesirable plants is far different from the original group.  Again I don’t know which is more preferable since I’m a newbie to this… but it is interesting to observe.  My initial thought is to allow more diversity into the soil but I also see in the general areas there’s an abundance of “foxtails” in the landscape… not talking about the gardens anymore.  I hear these are not good for the llamas.  I do seem them in some of the hay we purchased… so is the foxtail so abundant that it’s invasive?  Again these ideas of what’s desirable or not… and to what extent of our decisions plays a role to the “health” of the ecosystem…. Interesting?  I”m sure this is going to be more illuminated the more I dive into these areas.  But back to the village… one more thing I feel like I’d like to address is trash.  There’s already a small landfill starting in the village.  They are starting to consume more and buy more “things” and there’s not a system setup to dispose of waste.  Of course I’d like to promote Reduce and Reuse before recycle… but consumerism is newer to them… and trying to get them to not buy things that they see the people on the internet have… is probably asking too much from them… hehe… I’ll try to explain that there are many foundational issues that weren’t important until it was a slap in the face issue… so maybe we can look at the issues that has arrived from consumerism to countries of possibly the first-world countries and see if we can address them far earlier than the slap in the face.  It’s already obvious in the cities in Peru, but it’s coming for the villages as well… we can see it as we’re floating down the river… I’d love to inspire this village to be one of the examples for villages around them… but I’ll soon connect this village with the larger picture to be able to be example globally not just locally.  Now I have not been to the European countries for long periods of time.  I know there are several countries who are leading a far more conscious manner towards sustainability responsibilities.  In fact my buddy from Sweden is highly interested in these areas… it seems its very common for folks to be aware and conscious of their consumerism and have a head start in innovative design concepts.  Which again plays a role in this global community I seem to be drawn to.  I hope I get that far with this entry.  But again… in a more direct manner to raising consciousness in a direct conscious manner is the Aya ceremonies.  This seems to be more of a primary area of my attention before the village… I still feel like Awakening more of us so when we approach these community designs… we’re thinking more expansively and broader than before the transition.  

So… again this is something that I’m drawn to focus on… so when I have gone through my own spiritual practices before and after ceremonies… I would have loved an ashram to be able to actually rest and observe myself and how my perspective is changing due to ceremonies.  So… another piece to the puzzle of helping in the Awakening process is also having my selected guest have access to an ashram.  many will have to do much work to even be able to take time off from their societal expectations to go to ceremonies in the first place… I tell people a minimum of one month in the jungle… minimum… the more the better, but a month is a good start or introduction.  lol… now… I’m also going to see who can give more time away from societal expectations to go to an ashram before to prepare for ceremonies… and then after to start to ground and guidance on how to integrate and embody lessons from ceremonies.  So… again… geesh at least a month to prepare doesn’t seem crazy for me… but maybe even two weeks would probably be the minimum to prepare our psyche for ceremonies… really focusing on trust and surrender to fully be present in ceremonies… again wherever we are at is exactly where we should be… but sometimes I can be an idealistic type… so the longer to prepare would be ideal.  So that’s six weeks already I’m asking for my selected guests.  And this doesn’t even include the grounding and integration… I’d love to say two weeks, but this I feel should be minimum of one month.  I”m already preparing the Aya ceremonies to integrate master plants and reducing the amount of Aya ceremonies and more time to integrate and prepare for the next ceremony… but I still feel it would be so beneficial to have a buffer at the end of ceremonies to allow time and space to grip the messages before one decides to get back into the swing of things before they left in the first place.  So again I’d say a minimum of two months I’d be asking guests to take off for their spiritual growth… I mean many that I have been running into could do two months and more… we’ve already found the importance to have space and freedom to prioritize our spirituality… but I’m going to assume not all will have this from the start.    

Ok… the ashram… so as I’m here I’m asking why I’m here… I have an understanding now that an ashram is something I want to be involved with.  Of course my first thought of assumption is…. Is this the ashram I’m supposed to be teaming up with?  I still don’t know this answer but where I can go is looking at what I’ve observed at this ashram… what have I been able to learn to be able to apply.  This has been established and it has its own momentum… and what if I was to be directly involved… what would change if anything and why?  lol… this is a bit funny to me because I feel that it is obvious by now that change is where I lead towards… I feel there could be alternatives that can work better than the system that is here already.  Why?  Well… again this is a temple and I’m assuming that there is a desire for a community that will be involved in nurturing and building the temple for the future generations.  This temple is not currently the best at building community.  So… of course I’d like to change this… hehe.  But let’s see if we can look at things I wouldln’t change… and as much as I’d like to be idealistic and look and imagine the future… I’ll try to keep it more practical and present to start with.  This temple attracts interesting volunteers and guests to experience the temple life.  I have met amazing people in the past six months living here and I feel this temple being a bit misplaced one might say and unusual seems to bring in curious minds.  There’s a Hindu temple in the middle of Mormon land…. Curious minds are like… hmmmm… I want to check it out.  So the design of the temple is beautiful and unusual for the landscape… that many locals love to come and take photoshoots just because of this.  But again.. the volunteers have a minimum of a two week commitment if they want to be involved.  Now a few of the volunteers haven’t made it to the two weeks… but more than average people decide to stay a bit longer though.  So a temple that stands out and that is open to the public is something that I feel works.  Now with this temple it also has been establishing a farm as well which I feel is another positive aspect.  The owners have been establishing two organic gardens and a llama and peacock farm with two cows.  It’s actually a sanctuary for a few llamas and parrots as well.  As an animal lover I absolutely dig the fact that animals are integrated into this system already.  Caring for the animals is very rewarding and just being around them brings peace and comfort and a ton of laughter.  Watching the quirky behaviors of animals is quite humorous… and it’s very satisfying.  The space energetically provides huge amounts of tranquility just being on the land which i love and would love to encourage the stewardship of the land itself.  I mean… the wilderness and natural environments are more of my type of temple than a building is anyway… but the space inside the temple is beneficial as well.  The location is pretty phenominal because we are surrounded by the mountains and when each evening at sunset they color in hues of pink and purples is pretty satisfying as well.  So the foundation of this temple is positive… but I’m going to go ahead and move into the changes.  This is just my opinion… and it’s my space to envision and contemplate… I haven’t even brought any of these ideas to the owners…. Again it took six months before they put down their walls to get to know a little more about me… originally I was just someone who can work on their projects and wouldn’t cause harm to them or their property.  Now I’m starting to take steps into maybe a friendship relationship.  But let’s see… So as a volunteer I feel like I’d like to start here.  I realize there are many projects that need up keep at this location, but my opinion is that volunteers are desired here to work on the projects and to listen to them preach about their spiritual beliefs.  I cannot help but be blunt about my opinion… but they are energetic bodies that are getting drained once they arrive unless they are aware of the energy resources.  I’ve been trying to remind the newer volunteers to rest and rejuvenate… that this is an ashram as well… and not only does manual work take a lot of energy out of us… but again who our current leaders are… will also not hesitate to drain our energy as well… again I don’t think it’s intentional… but regardless.. it’s happening.  The wife barks orders and demands attention and importance which takes energy.  The husband preaches and is a one way conversationalist who demands attention and importance which takes energy too.  I don’t really mention the owners being like energy vampires to most people… and I definitely don’t straight out say it but I try to remind everyone that our responsibility is 24 hours a week… the rest of the time we can rest.  And honestly I put in more than 24 hours but 24 hours is set aside to do whatever specific tasks they ask of me… and I’ll do it willingly because I am a guest in their community and I respect what they are trying to provide.  But I also like many of the chores… so the additional hours I Help with is… because I like to help and I see things that need to be done in areas that I enjoy.  It doesn’t take a lot of my energy to do things that I’m not being told to do and I enjoy… but I also see… that if I try to do too many hours… I get depleted and also a bit more easily irritable.  When I had the whole llama tiss with the wife on Friday… I worked two weeks straight without a full day of rest… so I’m not able to do this at this time or maybe ever… I’m uncertain.. but I’m taking my days off this week.  She asked me if I wanted to help catch the koi fish this morning and I told her I wanted to rest… I got a hiking and swimming date tomorrow with two girls and a guy to get off property and enjoy Utah summer afternoon and evening in the mountains.  So yes this would be something I would prioritize for the volunteers.  I’d prioritize the ashram aspect of solitude and rest to disconnect from the societal conditioning of responsibilities to connect to our higher selves and giving space to communicate deeper to recontextualize our conditioning.. to purge and transmute… and then able to receive guidance from our intuition on the direction to go forward.  Again… I’d be more about opening the doors to building a community instead of using people for a short period of time.  I don’t have the same ideas of thinking this temple is the only “right” and ‘responsible” way to connect deeper in our spirituality either… many of the devotees primarily only stay at the ashram because there is a bit of a concept that the world is crazy and delusional and it’s best to stay away.  I’d definitely be encouraging to have a bubble here at the temple temporarily but to also burst the bubble and get out.  Utah has amazing landscapes so actually encouraging volunteers and devotees to go on a hike or camping… explore the landscape would be ideal.  Many volunteers do not have vehicles when they arrive.  Many of the international volunteers don’t have a valid international license either.  So public transportation stays in the civilized areas of city life… but not to go out into the wilderness.  There are vehicles here on property, but they are not easily accessible for the volunteers.  So opening up this accessibility would be something I’d like to encourage.  Housing options… ideally it would be great to have more housing options just to have more availability for more people to come and join but for now… there are seven rooms in the cabin available for volunteers.  I happen to stay at the guest house only because I have a cat which wouldn’t get along with the cabin cat or who knows what could happen with the sanctuary parrots in the house… so I got lucky to have a little distance from the temple.  Most of the time I’m here by myself.  There aren’t too many guests who pay to stay here for a few days.  In the six months there have been two families that have stayed here about a week each.  There was one single lady who stayed one night.  And then when we had festivals we’ve had devotee performers who stayed three nights.  So not even a month worth of guest “rentals”. So without having to build extra buildings… I’d open up the guest house to volunteers as well.  This guest house does not have a kitchen… and I’d update this somehow to give some type of opportunity to cook meals that we’d like.  I’ve been primarily eating the same food for every meal for six months… Being away from a kitchen makes me want to savor having a kitchen again… hehe.  I cannot wait to cook whatever I’d like to… hehe. 

Alright… going to the temple.  So first of all to admit that I’m not really the commercializing thing… so I realize there is an expense to maintaining and growing this temple… but in my opinion how they are doing it wouldn’t be my approach.  Again I’m thinking how to build community.  So currently there is a gift shop and a buffet in the temple at the ground floor.  The second floor is the temple space for meditation and worship.  More than half of the gift shop is donated Indian clothes mostly like bridal or special occasion clothing… which isn’t necessarily the most popular option for people in Utah or people in general wear.  Even Asian Indians I assume don’t always wear formal attire.  So needless to say… not a lot of clothes are being bought.  I was in the gift shop mostly through the winter and there were several comments about how it’s the same clothes year after year for the past ten years.  They always hope there are new options but its the same things.  They did actually find new things because We were receiving donations during the early spring so I was replacing the clothes to switch up the selection that I also saw wasn’t selling.  So yeah half of the bottom of the temple is dedicated to items that aren’t even popular… so I’d get rid of the clothing and jewelry… now I have ideas of what to do with the fabric and notions but I’ll wait on that for now.  To begin with I would still probably like to keep items to build an altar and the literature… oh… actually the llama section also sells so keep that if not expand it which could happen if we remove all the clothing and jewelry that hardly sells.  So the other half is the buffet.  Again in my opinion… I would not have this everyday open to the public.  Most of the people who come to eat are here on the weekends.  So Friday through Sunday… why?  Well… There is a lot of expense that goes into the groceries… and because of the responsibility of having it everyday and having dishes ready to exchange on the buffet… it seems like the simple solution is to just keep buying in bulk and making the same things over and over again…which could change if we reduce the days.  We could go to a more of a weekly grocery budget and literally have new items on the buffet for say Friday when the public can come and eat… so by Monday when the devotees and volunteers can eat.. we can still eat leftovers but also continue to have variety of choices and more of us to have the opportunity to cook and show the variety of dishes we can share with the community.  The volunteers are a small group and we don’t need an entire buffet to eat each day… for five days we don’t need all the options and just cook normal meals again using up what wasn’t eaten during the weekend.  We have a vegan chef volunteering here now and she’s been making a few different dishes and everyone i mean everyone is appreciating it!  The Sunday service regulars who attend I would think would appreciate some variety even if they only come once a week… at least throughout the month they can get different options when they come too worship instead of the same thing over and over again… I might be making it a bigger deal but I very much value variety… and just like I cannot wait to have access to a kitchen… I cannot wait to buy a variety of ingredients as well… ha.  Now… for the future… I have much more changes… but to start to put the toe into the water… this would be a good start.  

The clutter… this is huge and would be one of the first things I’d encourage to make the change to remove anything that is not being used off of property.  Whether donation or selling… there is so much clutter of unnecessary stuff or junk wasting up good space.  But there’s no organization to the tools and supplies for the temple of the farm.  

Ok… it’s very late… hehe… I think this is a lot and I’ve got so much more to express as well but I think I’ll go ahead and wait until next time.  Good night!   

[withinUverse]

Alright… good morning!  So where was I?  Organization and clutter… so there hasn’t been an established group of what we could call permanent staff or devotees because community isn’t the strongest suit that has been built here.  And there’s a revolving door of volunteers that pass through here… geesh can I remember how many volunteers that have been here in the past six months?  Let’s see if I can get a pretty accurate number here… I’d say between 15 to 20 volunteers… where 2 left before the 2 week mark which is supposed to be the minimum requirement.  When it comes to the devotees and their families… there are 10 which includes the owners… where three are rarely seen on property of the temple or farm.  So these are the ones who live on property but this temple also has a large amount of community service helpers and Mormon service missionaries that filter in and out on the regular basis.  What I’m trying to get to is… when a volunteer comes to the property… since there is not much organization… half of the time we’re looking for supplies and tools to be able to accomplish what’s asked from us.  Now general statement here… but because this is the majority of the “staff” to maintain and grow the property… the mindset isn’t necessarily sustainability.. its a very temporary get this done attitude.  And there is lack of accurate and suitable tools and supplies available and not much direction or instruction to accomplish tasks… things are just slapped together.  So efficiency isn’t a focus here… sometimes I feel its because it just gives people something to do..hehe.  Tasks are being done repeatedly over and over again… I feel the leader who wants tasks done are also not as forward thinking about sustainability.  Everything seems like an emergency so people just try to get projects done quickly… and maybe that’s because we just don’t know if anyone will be here the next day… so trying to get people to finish the project they started might be more important than taking our time and require the proper supplies and tools and instruction to accomplish projects that works and lasts so we aren’t constantly band-aiding projects all over the property.  This is something I’d like to tackle as soon as possible.  Being able to organize the tools but also removing and clearing out spaces.  This might go ahead and lead to an app I would like to be able to create some organization to the volunteers and service members.  But I also want to address the mindset of our leader to help projects build and be successful, not sure if that’s the right word… but let’s see how to explain my thoughts.  

So the owners have built and maintained this property… this is their baby and so I realize there is a different attachment to the property than anyone else.  But it also shows the mentality of the development of how forward thinking we are dealing with at the same time.  So generally the wife is responsible for the temple “staff” and projects to maintain the farm and temple.  While the husband is the “preacher” and festival, radio, promoter of the property.  So I’ve drawn closer to the wife.  Again I do respect her but I continue to let people know that spiritual work… majority of the time it’s experience what we “don’t” want to continue to do… people show and demonstrate behavior we want to avoid.  And also because I’ve been able to really develop self observation and contemplation I’ve been able to see this in myself and see how it’s evolved.  So she’s the top of the pyramid here when it comes to the “workers”. She is what we would call a workaholic… which again I can relate to because I was there myself at a time in my life.  She has a mindset that doesn’t trust the people who come in and and help… if she’s not doing it… well now out her age… if she’s not a bit of a micromanager than it’s not going to get done properly… which really this is far more nuanced than what I can explain as I type this out.  Because in some situations she’s right there and other she allows us to do it without her.. so micromananger might not be the appropriate word.  But we’ll just focus on the when the temple was opened in 2001… she’s pretty much worked every day without a break.  I’ve tried to get a real example of what types if any vacations she’s been able to have in this time period.  I guess the most recent was a few years back they went to an animal sanctuary for a weekend here in Utah.  I think earlier on prior to opening the temple there was much more traveling in her history.  But since the opening of the temple.. 23 years ago… I’m going to generally say which isn’t accurate but I’d say a couple of years she might take a weekend or possibly a week off.  So out of 276 months of opening she literally might have taken off 2 or 3 months… now even if she has taken 10 months out of 276… I feel this is crazy… hehe… definitely what I would call a workaholic… Now I don’t want to go into why she has done this… I want to go into what I don’t want to do.  I would not like to be at the top of a pyramid.  With this big of project there would be a team of leaders who help maintain and create visionary future projects to come… and I’m assuming this team will morph and grow with new members and different numbers as reality ebbs and flows.  But I highly value rest and relaxation so people are at 100% of energy or as close to it… 75% might be acceptable… but anything below this isn’t really effective work results… again in my opinion and just giving the idea that…. People should have the ability to have time off to relax and explore.  Many creatives get inspiration from diversity… so the team members are going to be encouraged to get off property and explore and vacation… so instead of having to talk to one person to see what is supposed to be done on a daily basis… we all have an understanding where the direction of the projects are going… and are familiar with how we’d like to get these projects accomplished at the time.. so when someone wants a day off or a heck a month off… they can.  No one will feel like everything will collapse without their presence.  The team will trust one another and the process… which might not be present at first, but we are gong to be working on raising consciousness which means observing our emotional reactions and self talk… and putting ourselves in uncomfortable situations to our own personal extents.  So again I would not have this property attachment as my own child or baby… but that doesn’t imply that I wouldn’t feel responsible for being a steward of the space or land.  I would take this seriously… however… I trust the perfection of reality and have the perspective that my bodies responsibilities will not last as long as the temple farm land will last in this reality… so I’d do my best but realize future generations will be coming in and evolving with the times so constantly teaching and encouraging for everyone to teach what they are doing so we aren’t the specialist in a specific area… so again building skills in everyone and dropping the sole responsibility and the creation of the only one who can get it done right mindset.  So…. I’ve been thinking about an app being used at the temple.  

Now technology isn’t the wife’s best friend… hehe… of course she uses it but not to degrees say my generation is and definitely not to the youth… so yes… I’d start moving the encourage technology far more than what is happening currently.  So we can start with the app for the volunteers and service members who come on property… it would be a map to locate the buildings and areas on the property… where tools can be found and where it should be returned.  It’s kind of a joke but I was speaking to a computer programmer about possibly having the app be playful to encourage us to clean up after ourselves with the projects.. tools get placed anywhere and everywhere on project so somehow be able to track where the objects are placed and who had the tool so there’s a target area to return it to and it can be rated of how well our organizational skills are but truly being mindful that someone after your tools use will want this tool and would love to be able to go to the location and get it without spending unnecessary time to try to find it.  But to actually have a set location in the first place to find it would be a start.  And the tools we have would need to be looked at… I mean we use brooms, rakes, and shovels often on this property and they are not in the best of shape and very few of them available to use.  Again I understand that many of us volunteers don’t respect the tools that have been given to us because we personally don’t spend expenses to purchase them… so some can be more careless with tools… but also people purchasing the tools want to save on expenses instead of paying more to have more quality… so of course this is something to create balance in and will be maleable.  But there will be a big picture of what projects that are actually going on at the property.  When we first arrive many don’t realize the organic farm or animals, or building projects… again most of this information is inside a single leaders head… so we’d like to share the common daily and seasonal tasks that maintains the activities of the property… and also future visions of where projects are leading to.  Everyone that arrives have different personalities and experience they are bringing with them.  So if someone is coming onto property because they need to do 5 hours of community service… then we’d have options for them to choose from… ideally if they want to be alone doing this… or work in a group project… this would be organized for them to do this.  Jobs can be rated by difficulty levels as well… but volunteers say who want to be here for six months can have a better idea of not only the daily duties but start to look at the seasonal duties… and depending on their history of knowledge… step up to give advise and feedback in areas where we might not have direct experience and assist in tangible steps to take because of experience… i think that makes sense… I’ve met so many amazing people come through here which have passions in permaculture or animals… or many things… and instead of trying to hear what they’ve found successful in their experience… there’s a traditional way of doing things here so we just keep playing the same old record over and over again… I feel if we can have both of these playing along side would be nice especially when it comes to gardening and permaculture… we can continue some practices that have been found to work in this location… but also have space to try and research alternative options that might be successful or not… so I’m all for exploring and not afraid of making mistakes… this is where creativity really kicks in… so encouraging people to try ideas out… and again at a personal and group levels.  I don’t want this pyramid… I’d like everyone to be comfortable being leaders and sharing leadership roles… able to lead in one project we have the most experience and inspiration while at a different project allow someon else to step up because they have the most experience and inspiration in this particular project… so encouraging to build and empower ourselves… not a hierarchy model.  Now it might look like this at first but it will be a deliberate attempt to teach, but also have the students start teaching fairly quickly to newcomers while the original teacher observes and assists when needed… if anyone has taught anything… we learn far quicker and deeper when we teach… we start to break it down differently when trying to explain to someone else than just automatically doing something… so we become more mindful.  And the original teacher has had more time to be mindful in this particular areas so again… be able to assist in areas that are missed but also have constructive feedback for the student.  Communication is key… but anyway this can be the basics of the app…. But I’d like to have it be able to have links to instruction videos as well… if say someone isn’t around and they want to be introverted at the time so they can pop up a video that demonstrates how to accomplish the duty.  Things continue to pop up like possibly being able to help assist the international volunteers with possible international licenses, phone service assistance.. things to make it easier for them to be welcomed and comfortable as they arrive to a new country.  I’ll get to the larger picture of a global community later but I’m trying to stay local at this time with the ashram idea… specifically if this Utah property is something I’d like to really engage with.  

So I guess I’m going to tackle the devotees for a second now… there seems to be a hierarchy that is being encouraged from my observation.  I’ve been learning about their philosophies and I know I’m not going to do this justice but there are different classes to the human race.  Which works together to create a whole… simply what I’ve been seeing is their are priests here and for some reason the responsibilities seems to only pray and do offerings and not necessarily contribute to the community.  There are four whom I’ve been observing where it looks like when we are struggling in an area there’s not a willingness to step in and assist.  It’s as if this assistance is below them.  I’m not certain I agree with this… their mindset has a specific way of what is considered spiritual practices… so again serving at a temple has priority over say helping organizations that might be involved with community service… and also down to just helping someone who is not a part of this community isn’t favored… what I’m tying to say is the mindset is not very expansive… its very narrow and specific.  I’d like to encourage a broader view of what is spiritual practices… hehe.  Again the changes I would like to develop further and not right away just because I think such drastic changes will shock people… and of course I have no authority to place this but again I get to use this space for imagination… ideally this wouldn’t be a specific temple to a set belief system… it would just be a temple open to everyone and anyone… so say this is set into place… what would the priests do?  If they are not encouraged to sit in the spotlight to preach… but placed an any of us equal to share our practices and beliefs and experiences… but also being the listener and listen to anyone who wants to share their practices.  Let’s even take it a step farther… I’d like the altar with the deities and the statue of the guru placed outside of the temple and possibly into the homes of the devotees… so their rituals can continue and be much more intimate… and they have the opportunity to share this intimacy to ones who are interested in participating… so if this is removed from the temple… what will the priests do to contribute to the community?  Will they start to realize the system behind the temple that allows and affords them to practice their spiritual practices so freely?  Will they start to see how much work and effort it takes to maintain this property and would they be inspired to actually be a participant to help in the maintaining this space instead of expected everyone else to do this and this isn’t their responsibility?  To be honest this is why I deeply respect the wife say in comparison with the husband…. She is the foundation to allow this entire property to exist… and since she’s taken on this responsibility in possibly a degree of extreme intensity without caring about her own wellbeing… has allowed her husband to have much more time to relax and travel to be able to “preach”… everyone comments on how she’s negative or rude or whatever, but anyone working this much on such a large project without rest would presumably be the same.  I’ve tried to encourage her to rest and relax and release the reigns of responsibility to others to hopefully have her be more aware of how much better she feels when resting… and how the property doesn’t collapse when she’s resting.  And also in these past six months… I’ve seen a change… granted a very subtle small change on how she communicates… but I observe it.. so I know the rest is helping her out.  Just because I’m promoting rest… it’s just there seems to be an unbalance in our societies mindset… People like to work as well… I’d just like to be inspired to work or help because we want to not that we feel obligation to.  And again if we’re talking black and white… our help will be far more effective when helping at 100% compared to 10% energy levels.  There are three devotees that I see who are actively involved in maintaining the property to function… is there a correlation going on here… possibly because of the hierarchy that has been programmed into them?  The three who are making sure the system is moving forward are all females.  And the priests are all males… hmmm… I’m about equality in gender roles, but yes we can see when there seems to be an imbalance in our mindsets.  I mean I experienced for myself as being a female who’s passion is spirituality and Enlightenment… and where some do not take me seriously just because of my gender.  I mean there aren’t too many examples of Enlightened females in history.. I think it’s pretty cool when I found about the Buddhist Enlightened Goddess Tara with all her different shades of colors to represents a complex personality we all have… we actually share the same name… love that!  I’m around more Asian Indians being here and how I pronounce my name is the same way their word for star is… so it’s cool to hear people be able to remember how to pronounce my name… when most of my life people wouldn’t remember because a different way to pronounce it here in the states is more common than when my dad read the word Tara and had his own way of pronouncing it.  Many will ask if I was named after the goddess or the stars?  I laugh and say nope… I was named after the warrior princess in the warlord comic book series.  Anywho… straying away from the topic… But yes if the removal of the specific spiritual practices are removed to allow everyone to enjoy this space in our own way… three of them would still be able to continue without a glitch because they already have an understanding how this community lives without these material symbols of spiritual practices.  I’m not certain if their service they are already devoted to is considered devotional service in their minds… I would definitely consider them to be… and it’s funny when I explain this to guests that I’m explaining a more ideal approach to what devotional service is than what actually happens to most of our approaches, but that’s just how it is at times.  Anyway… the remaining three devotees are two teenagers and a wife who works off property to make an income outside of her husband’s volunteering.  That would be something to look at too… allowing volunteers to also have jobs if they choose to.  It would be nice to have them remove themselves away for a temporary period of time… but some also would like to stay in this environment but also not feel like they solely reliant on the temple as well…which is healthy.  Right now this is frowned upon… possibly because again they aren’t really trying to build long term community… if most are here for a very short period of time.. then they’d like the energy to be focused on assisting the community… however, if anyone wants to stay for months if not years… these rules should not apply..  Geesh I feel like there’s so much to continue and it feels like I’m only scratching the surface.. but let’s just keep moving on to get to the larger picture.  

So say the temple get’s transformed to where the primary focus isn’t to make money and to preach… then what would the space be used for?  Well the temple upstairs should just be sacred space for majority of the time for personal connection… I also feel having some group sharing opportunities in the space is also very beneficial.  We would have to get a new elevator because there are mobile restrictions to some of our guests who are not able to actually see the temple because it’s upstairs.  Some have asked if there are pictures to see what it looks like.  I took my IPad upstairs and did a video of the space for her to view to get a sense of what’s up there… but again this is a theory approach and not an experiential approach… she would gain much more value if she could get upstairs herself and take her time to explore and observe how her body, mind, and spirit responds to the space.  And so if we remove the clothing and jewelry in the gift shop area… I’d also move the desk office area in the nook out of the temple which again just collects clutter… this can be in a personal location… but it does have some intimate qualities to this nook so this could be the library section where people can come and read literature if they wish.  Like a library they would be able to take it for a period of time and return it once they are finished.  For guests who don’t live here locally can have the opportunity to donate to take the literature with them.  But there will be empty space which sounds wonderful to me… but upstairs in the temple will allow this… empty space is so satisfying… but since there are still going to be some more of an active activities here such as the dinner area.  So I figured we’d have a conversational lounge for the visitors and community to share with the visitors too.  Again we’d be encouraging sharing are diverse backgrounds so having spaces to encourage conversations will be designed in the layout.  There are tables setup up for the buffet and since we’ll reduce the buffet to the weekends.. during the week the tables can be used for conversations as well but we could possibly use it for classes as well.  So I like the increasing of a vegetarian diet for us.  I’m much more flexible in my personal diet, but I feel changing my awareness to my diet has been crucial for my spiritual expansion.  So I’m on board with promoting more awareness to our diets.  So helping the public learn delicious vegetarian dishes would be helpful for our local community outside of the property.  There are vegans who visit and we could also have classes with this as well.  Now I’d keep it vegetarian like it is currently… “ish”…. There are some items that aren’t included on the property now that I would allow in these classes and into the buffet dishes too… the first thing is mushrooms… they do not allow mushrooms because they are a fungus and not a vegetable or fruit… with all the benefits mushrooms allows for our digestive health let alone how huge they are for our natural landscapes… mushrooms are going to be our friends here.  Now we are all about consent so it’s not like we’re going to force anyone to eat them who wish not to participate… but this is not going to be a forbidden ingredient… hehe.. same as onion and garlic… I’m not knowledgeable about Ayurvedic diets; however, again I’d like to encourage this as a personal choice…  especially if we are getting taught to cook.. if one decides to flavor the dishes with onions and garlic that is their choice.  but I would have to say that  not promoting cooking meat in the temple is still very much encouraged.  Appetizing dishes without meat and ease of preparation and cooking will help encourage us to add more dishes of this manner is beneficial.  Another thing is there is so much sugar being used in the dishes right now… For some reason our cooks feel like our vegetables should be sweet as well… maybe because its frowned about by the owners to use spices… hehe this might have Indian food but it’s not what people think of Indian food when it comes to the spice levels… again which is absolutely fine but teaching about the spice pallet flavors and then allow us to adjust to our own desires is wonderful.  Just like sugar… I had reduced sugar in grand amounts before arriving here on property.. and now I see myself needing a sugar kick every other day.. hehe… so teaching alternative sweeteners and again if someone wants to add sugar to their dishes… they can do this personally but not assume everyone wants to taste sweetness especially when vegetable are delicious just by themselves… some of us enjoy our veggies taste.  Also there is no recycling system here.. now they do reduce their food waste by feeding the llamas with the scraps from preparation which is great… but in a kitchen there are a lot of waste from can goods, plastic and glass bottles, cardboard…etc. and being able to develop and maintain and grow this awareness is something I’d like to encourage.  What I’ve heard this isn’t necessarily in the mindset of Utah government or residents… so it would be nice to try to encourage this… and again not because I’m an expert… I just know increasing our awareness for future generation is healthy for our society.  I’ve personally been gaining awareness in reducing and reusing, but recycling is something I’m getting my toe wet with… so I could get more help in this area as well.  But anyway… having cooking classes throughout the week is what I’d like to encourage.  People who are attending the class can prepare, cook, and eat together… I can’t explain how much I enjoy this.  This is one of the favorite activities I share with my family members… we have Sunday dinners and being able to help make the homemade egg noodles and chopping up the chicken… possibly helping with the deviled eggs with family members preparing their own dishes to share is so satisfying.  And I wish for every holiday especially Christmas time… waking up and preparing and cooking a brunch together and eating in it with each other again is so desirable… so yes we can have classes but also just having community building time to prepare, cook and eat with the members of the community is a good thing.  

Now yesterday I mentioned the clothing and what to do with this… So again most of these items are donated… so actually allow people who want these items to give a donation for the items… we place these price tags on the items and some can be hundreds of dollars… I don’t agree with this approach… of course I’m not rolling in the dough either… but value of an item is personal… we dont’ want to be a storage of nice clothes… we want people to enjoy the clothes we have and take it away from the temple and wear it wherever they go and possibly returning to the temple with the outfit they got here… but literally use the word donation as something the buyer decides not the seller… we say the buffet is a $10 donation… there’s been a few times where people are unable to pay the $10 dollars… I allow them to eat and give what they can.  I’d be doing this for the clothes as well.. Some may think $20 for a top is nothing to their expenses while someone doesn’t have the budget for that top… why not just allow people to donate what they feel is the value they can give?  We are getting these clothes for free anyway.  And why not allow volunteer hours stack up to use the facility in different ways such as getting clothes or participating in classes?  Any way I want classes everywhere…. Hehe… I’ve wanted to create nonprofit about learning…but also a community design that focuses around learning… it’s so valuable… but let’s get to this at another time… it’s lunch and I’m getting hungry.  Also we’ll be leaving in the afternoon to go swimming and hiking so I might come back after lunch but most likely it will be late tonight or tomorrow… again I just have a lot on my mind that I’d like to share and get out of my mind.  Ok.. until next time… have a good one

[withinUverse]

Oh my goodness… what a wonderful afternoon and evening in the mountains by a river and a small walk up to have a picnic while the sun was setting… this was very much needed for all of us… three of us are volunteers and getting time away from the property was very necessary for our wellbeing.  But anyway…. Let’s see where we left off and continue the thoughts… ok… I see where I left off.. the nonprofit idea and also classes on learning… so yes this would be a possible way to earn some funds for the property, but honestly the value of having classes available and learning from whomever and whatever is around at the time would seem beneficial for anyone… but let’s try to make it more tangible.  So already mentioned the cooking classes… but there is a large space that is being used for storage currently… again ideally in my opinion this would be an amazing space for more activity areas and doesn’t have to be on the quiet side of spiritual practices.  Using this space for possibly obvious activities as asanas, but many spiritual practices have included dance, music, and singing… so I’d highly encourage this space to do this as well… but of course I’m not going to exclude physical activities where we can get into the flow state… any time we get into the flow state is a spiritual practice regardless of what that is… but I’d love to install a floating floor to help cushion our joints and everything… but we can add activities such as acro yoga, capoeira, the list can go on forever… but also we cannot exclude artistic activities… I get so many messages in this type of flow state.. so it might be in the activities pavilion or inside where the kitchen tables are.. but anyway there are going to be classes.  And of course for beginners the flow state doesn’t automatically start when learning… but there are glimpses and if we find something we are enjoying we build up the desire to continue multiple experiences to eventually getting into the flow and truly seeing the value in this state.  I’m not certain if there is going to be set classes all the time… of course I feel like some would be staples but I really like the idea of how many interesting people that have come by the temple that have unusual or cool hobbies and passions… so allowing pop up classes to occur just because there’s someone who specializes in an area and would be willing to share.  I can really go on and on about classes and examples but haven’t I already done this when I was talking about my nonprofit before?  I believe so… if not I feel we get the picture.  And I just have to mention that of course there will be kids classes… and empowering children to teach classes as well… children teaching adults I know from experience was extremely beneficial for my growth and understanding.  I started teaching adults around 9 to 10 years of age… and that’s been huge for my confidence and ability to understand that regardless of age… we can enhance in skills that adults might not have wanted to so… the multiple experiences in areas doesn’t depend on our age… it depends on our desire and time we’ve put into understanding a specific area.  So this helped out definitely not to blindly follow supposed authority figures… even though this did not stop me from giving respect.  I don’t think I”m going into this right now… again I feel like I’ve already touched on this in past journal entries.

Spiritual practices are not a narrow set of practices that are labeled spiritual… these practices expand far greater than societies definition of what’s spiritual or not… everything is spiritual and so our practices will be diverse… because introducing up to a variety helps us grasp and create in a more expansive way.  But also many people haven’t given themselves time to explore what really interests them… but also cost could definitely stop people from trying something out for the first time when we don’t even know if we’d enjoy it or not.  So having classes available for people to at least give new activities a try would be beneficial for a community.  Classes will also expand into the farm of the ashram too.  There are so many people I’ve met here that is interested in permaculture and plants and herbs… on and on.. and why not have a facility to again allow people to explore their ideas and get the chance to get our hands dirty… it’s amazing to get our hands dirty people… haha… but not only for food purposes… but how to regrow plants for reforesting the land… so there’s a scrap yard right next to the property and I was asking a few guys interested in plants… and I asked them… you know… what would be the steps to take to remove any toxic waste that vehicles sitting in a location for years would inevitable leak fluids into the earth… how would we bring the land back to life?  And I was happy to hear without hesitation what their ideas are… I don’t know the exact terms they used but there’s companies that can drop of wood chips and scrap branches and trees directly onto property… there’s bacteria or even mushroom species they would use on this location which works miracles in creating healthy soil… and they listed plants that also know how to pull toxins out of the soil… they were projecting a maximum of two years… but they would also suggest to go ahead and plant while this process is happening shortly after they start.  They were talking about making forest quickly by consistently chopping off the tops of trees and plants to help them want to grow faster.  I asked about different processes I’ve heard about one example about burning the land and using activated charcoal… they suggested that the land known around this areas doesn’t necessarily need more alkaline in it and they would suggest something different.. but they said honestly they don’t know since nature brings in fires around the surround landscape more often than not… so any way… they don’t have the space to do this for themselves… but what if this property could allow them to try these practices out?  Again by sharing with the community and also open to have the community share their experience and ideas to implement.  I’d assume there will be some areas where it doesn’t go as planned and not being afraid of these moments… because we can actually see what works and what doesn’t so we can continue down the list of alternative solutions… I’d encourage a green house that is functional… there is one but no one uses it through the fall and winter months… only in the spring to prepare for the planting season… I feel like I can go on and on in all these areas.. but I am trying to get to the idea that’s opening up a window to a global community… and there’s just so much I can say about the current location… I’ll just quickly try to finish up this temple so I can get to an insight that I would have never had thought to approach until a few weeks ago… so let’s go to the animals quickly.

The main thing that I’d first change is the water quality and storage for the animals.  I do not like the containers with standing water… it just too ripe for the wrong bacteria and whatever grows in standing water that we don’t want around our property or inside the animals.  This would be a little trickier because ideally I’d like to have station setup to where not only we humans can have wash areas and bathrooms… but installing a pipe system to circulate the water so there’s not any standing water.  I’m sure there are solutions already out there… I’m just not familiar with it… this goes more into if I was building a community from scratch and prioritizing how to filter, harvest, store water from rain and snow and integrating it to the system to help water plants, animals, and the entire landscape… but yes I’ve been putting smaller buckets around for them and I just change the water more often then these large vats holding water just because it looks like much cleaner and healthier water for the animals to drink specifically the llamas and cows… the birds have little dishes already for water… and the koi pond already has fountains and waterfalls to circulate the water and as we use gravity fed lines to water the gardens we can pump the well water into topping the water back up again… but specific to this location… there’s definitely opportunities to store water from rain and snow especiallly… I’d think we’d can find was to effectively use it to nurture the property in many ways.  But animals themselves are amazing to care for and again if you’re an animal lover we already know all the benefits they afford to be around them.  I’m still not certain about the whole separating the herd male to female… I understand regulating the population… but watching these poor guys suffering this spring… I’m like why can’t we allow them to have a little fun… hehe… I know one main reason is not having llamas being born during the winter… I’d suggest for a future project to redesign the barn to have a structure where it can be a shelter from the elements as well.  Shelter from the winter and the sun here in Utah… suggesting some type of earthen structure to help regulate temperatures and the use of thermal mass… I’d like that for part of the green house too… but that’s details that I don’t want to get into.  Now the birds… hehe.. this is the first time dealing with domesticated birds for me.  I”m not certain how I feel about this…hehe… there’s an African Grey who is super sweet but the three Macaws seem grumpy and miserable.  Now.. if I was put into their position I wouldn’t be happy either living indoors and cooped up in cages or even aviaries… they have been domesticated to the point that they are capable to fly but they don’t know how or they don’t remember or what’s the use when they don’t have much space.  Also I hear having a bird extends their life span to around 80 years old… the oldest bird here is 20… so all of these birds potentially will be here for another 60 years plus… that’s a long time to not live in a more natural setting.  Yes we are a sanctuary of sorts… but are we really give them a habitat that allows them to flourish… can domesticated birds be rehabilitated to return to the wild?  Or can we train them to fly again?  I don’t know but I feel this is a step towards the direction to give them more happiness in their lives.  Also wow… I know everything uses the restroom… but it’s messy and it’s everywhere… so I don’t know how beneficial their feces is as a fertilizer… but I thought instead of aviaries in the cabin… what about the green house?  Possibly?  They are cool but I’d like to really see if the best steps would be a sanctuary or rehabilitation?  I don’t know but I’ve been thinking what actually would be best for the animals.  This is tricky for me… because I absolutely love them and want to treat them as pets in a way… but what is the more conscious approach?  I’d love to brainstorm with people to see what solutions can be brought to the table.  

I did mention housing already correct?  Again probably something not right away… but having more housing options to grow a community ashram would be recommended… obviously the sooner the better.  But the community I’d encourage here isn’t so everyone permanently stays on property… I’d still encourage the temporary living still… generally housing available for people sho want to stay two days to two weeks to two months up to two years consecutively… once they hit the two year mark we’d encourage them to get out of the bubble and explore and see what opportunities to gain in this world.  If there’s a case they want to return… I’d think they’d have to have a minimum of six months before returning.  Details that aren’t official just in a random thoughts sort of way.  I could go into the housing deigns as well, but again tonight it feels like I want to not dwell on the details of this property as much… as we can see there are ideas I’d like to introduce… only if the owners were open and willing to see a transformation to their baby… which I”m not certain they would be for or against.  Haven’t brought it up so I don’t know.  But what I’ve been trying to get to and I think I want to explore more… is this nonprofit idea…. It’s not new to think about a nonprofit, but I’m seeing a window of how I can use a nonprofit to open up to a global community.  (Ok… where to begin… I’m going to take a quick break and smoke my pipe for a little bit before I tackle this idea) 

Ok… after taking the break I feel like I’m going to backtrack a little bit because there one detail I didn’t mention to what has happened when I took a break from journaling which seems to apply because it started to get me into  this new idea… I did submit my storytelling application to National Geographic Society.  It was by the hair of my teeth to submit it on time because factors played a part on submitting the information online that i didn’t know i was going to run into… anyway… i think I had 9 minutes to spare for the deadline.  I still would absolutely love work within their network, but I”m also confident that it’s going to play out with or without their support.  The results are supposed to be announced sometime in August… so what is the underlying goal that I was trying to get at in this proposal?  I wanted to expand the definition of spirituality and how we define spiritual practices.  I wanted to present my approach to show an approach that might not look like it has structure but ultimately it’s not a human way of structure but a structure trusting the universe’s mind beyond human thoughts.  I guess I haven’t been able to find a good way of explaining this… but anyway… I was hoping to partner with an organization that has established itself in reputation and sharing diversity and future sustainability for this planet we find ourselves involved with.  So again I see this as a spiritual organization even though society or governments wouldn’t label it a spiritual organization… because they value transparency and exploration… I thought this would be an ideal partnership to help show this universal approach to spirituality to expand our mindsets but also possible laws that are currently placed which seem to be limiting exploration into our spirituality.  I think I’ve been trying to find a way to work with a system that has so many labels and rules to narrow our definition of what spirituality is and what religion means and what it has to look like in specific areas… as if our human desire isn’t to expand beyond human survival mode into a universal harmony and gratitude of what this reality really is.  I feel like there are windows of opportunity to follow these rules but the content that can be shared actually helps assist in expanding these rules to not be so rigid.  Geesh writing this out I can see so many people assuming that I’m promoting some type of anarchy… it’s not exactly this but by definition it might seem like that’s what I’m going for… but I’ll try to continue my explanation and we can see if anarchy is what I’m trying to encourage or not.  So in a way… finding a way to stay in the parameters of the rules but to demonstrate or show example why the parameters can be expanded.  So I’ve been thinking about this ashram.. and there’s so much that flies in and out of my mind… but I thought there’s no way I can be involved with this temple because first of all I’m not a Krishna devotee and this is a ISKON temple.  I”m not willing to be a devotee just to help be a steward of this temple and land… but I’d really like to see this place flourish regardless of whatever the label people want to place on things.  But since I’ve been here I’ve been noticing some benefits of having a religious organization… of course I’ve been observing for years now and so it’s been seeded way before I came to this location.  I mean… when I look at visiting new countries and looking at the visa options… I wish I could come as religious visa but again I’d have to have an established relationship with a specific religion.  Again which is something I wasn’t even entertaining before… another seed is having a friend who has been currently trying to create a new religion and listening to the steps he’s having to take to get this religion approved.  I love the idea of a nonprofit but I hadn’t considered having a religious nonprofit… because in my conditioning religion had a bad taste in my mouth… because of the examples of religions I’ve been experiencing.  But what if participating in a religious nonprofit can open opportunities to be an example of what I feel is more on the lines of spirituality growth and not necessarily through the structure of religions?  Now I can wait for our collective to realize that spirituality is just as important as religions… and wait for policies to expand and update… or is there a way to go forward using their definitions to have the opportunity to show a new example?  I saw there are many benefits religions seem to have over nonreligious organizations even in the nonprofit sector.  In the States by law there is supposed to be a separation of church and state.  Where there are still many rules to follow to qualify as a religion; however, there does seem to be room to play because there is somewhat a perceived idea of separation.  There’s an extent to too many questions that’s appropriate to ask about religious practices… there’s somehow a line that shouldn’t be crossed…so is that wiggle room?  Ok… I’ve briefly started looking into how to submit a 501c nonprofit religious organization and one example I saw this wiggle room is having a doctrine of the history… geesh… let me see if I can get actual wording instead of trying to recall everything accurately… where is that… one moment… 

So I was looking it up and I found that I was reading about exemption for a church on form 1023 a formal code of doctrine and discipline… for me ideally I’d not want that to be a requirement because literally from my own spiritual growth towards Awakening… i barely ever touched a scripture to be able to elevate spiritually… so I feel this could be a way but for me it was just tangling our minds in theory which is far different from direct spiritual experiences and ultimately spiritual embodiment.  I read somewhere that the government couldn’t technically ask to read the doctrine since the separation law thing.  But… honestly I was reading a bit and navigating through the IRS… and even noticing that 501c exemption is not the only way to proceed forward… there are religious organizations out here that aren’t exempt status I’m sure.  But yes it feels like there’s more to explore.  But maybe I can go into my idealistic view yes before I search for the tangible way of approaching this.  

So since this doctrine thing isn’t really my thing I was thinking about nondenominational and interdenominational.  I tend to prefer the term nondenominational but interdenominational applies really well too… hehe… I want to include anyone and everyone… so if I steer towards interdenominational this implies inclusion of multiple religious beliefs… granted it seems that it implies multiple Christian denominations… but what if it includes every religion around the world down to shamanism… and the doctrines are already there and there’s no need to create one which I don’t want to do in the first place.. hehe…

wait… how am I going to approach this?  There is still research that I want to do to get more direction on how to guide this process… but what has been motivating me to explore further into this option?  I find it valuable in my spiritual approach to learn from everyone.  When I started to travel to countries outside of the States… I found a spiritual practice that completely amplified and exponentially expanded my consciousness into levels I thought would take decades to achieve.  So… yes the ability to travel and get introduced to different spiritual practices around the world I would highly encourage.  Even though I found spiritual practices that is highly effective… I’m still getting messages to continue my travels around the world and learn about spiritual practices because there’s always more to elevate into this existence… so variety is healthy.  I know I’ve said this before but having the concept of biodiversity in our spiritual practices I feel is super healthy just like nature’s biodiversity nurtures a natural setting to thrive.  So there are two examples of religions where I am currently that allows this opportunity to travel around the world specifically for spiritual reasons.  In Utah we have the Mormons.. they’ve created this gigantic network of sending their members all over the world for spiritual practices.  That’s what I would encourage as well… now the ones who are missionaries that travel are trained to preach and hopefully convert… which obviously isn’t what I would be promoting… hehe… I’m not much of a one way spiritual communicator… I’ve found the word preach hasn’t been giving me a good taste in my mouth as well… hehe.  But they also have service missionaries which this approach isn’t necessarily to preach, but to serve in their local communities.  I really love this idea.  I find myself looking for opportunities to serve wherever I find myself.  I’ve joked around with the service missionaries that come to the temple… that I’d love to have the resources that has been given to them… all of these locations that are open to having people volunteer at their locations.  So combining the two concepts sounds more in alignment of what I could see as something beneficial to spiritual growth… service missionaries that travel the world and volunteer with the local communities.  Not to go and change the new cultures beliefs systems but to be introduced to their practices to see if it can be beneficial or not to include in our personal practices.  But again… yes we can use the typical definition of what spiritual practices are… but again through my personal journey I’ve been able to expand past the typical definitions so also encouraging opportunities to immerse ourselves into this new environment as a curious explorers… not with an agenda to accomplish but just allowing expansion opportunities to arise just through pure curious exploration of the culture and the land.  Now ideally our intention is to expand into a global community… so going to diverse locations again not to change anyone to become what we are… but to be able to have the diversity exist and actually experience the benefits of community even when we have differences.  Differences doesn’t automatically apply as negative or bad… at least it creates interest since its a different approach of viewing reality.  At least I’d hope it creates interest… hehe… it would be great if we already had a community established which could be a base where we can get our feet wet… when their our challenges that arise again a community to where we can rest and regroup before giving it another go.  But its pretty impressive how the Mormons have been able to build this system… I think I saw there is about 88,000 current missionaries at any given time serving missions in over 400 mission locations… an entire system that helps gets passports and visas… preparation through language education and culture… its pretty cool in my opinion.  When looking at the types of  visas I always thought it would be cool to have a visa for spiritual purposes because the amount of time that can be spent in this country is far greater than a regular visitors visa.  I know the Mormons primarily focus these missions for people under the age of 25, and throughout their lifetime they may participate in possibly two missions.  Well… this would be a practice I’d like to implement for all ages… and to do it as many times as we are called to personally.  Hmmm… i was just thinking that it’s fairly easy for American Mormons to travel for their missions around the world…. But I don’t know if this applies to Mormons outside of America… is it just as easy for them to travel for missions?  I have a Mormon buddy in Peru… I wonder if the access is similar or not?  Hmmm… this could be technically be part of the discipline, correct?  I know I read things about distinct from existing religions… it’s definitely similar but yet it’s different as well… that’s what I feel like I’m doing is taking traditional religious practices but putting a twist on them and collaborating them together… there’s a lot about global community ideas I was having… but I feel like I’m winding down for the night.  It’s getting late again and so we’ll just continue this next time.  Good night! 

[withinUverse]

Woohoo!  I didn’t realize Leo posted some videos again… that was a happy surprise.  Plus of course I support his content and really appreciated the vulnerability in the second half of the psychology of being wrong.  So glad he took time for himself… again we want him at his full energetic potential as much as possible.  I thought I might do his exercise about all the areas I’ve been wrong… but I feel like I’m pretty vulnerable here… so I’ve done this in a long drawn out manner..hehe.. and this is something that stands out to me when I speak with people… spiritual work.. true higher consciousness training one will be able to admit how wrong our thoughts can be… and become quite humbled from this.. and more cautious moving forward… not sure that’s the correct word, but if we’ve seen how many mistakes we’ve done we understand more will come and so understanding and communicating this honestly makes it easier and easier to try things out regardless if we are “wrong” or not… hehe… what specific traps does my personality might be susceptible to sounds like a good exercise to do on here though… Because I keep finding myself running a few programs that are engrained just being here in an ashram for the past six months that I can share… and I’m sure there’s more insight I gain from it too.  In fact I feel myself… pulling myself out of a few of them and trying to ground myself to what really calls to me.  Let’s give it a go… I’ve only been on this online Journaling thing for a year… so I actually haven’t had the opportunity to do any of his exercises on here while the videos are being posted… so this seems like a good entry to try out.  And the saying that there are some who love to learn… I liked to express what I’m learning from these traps I’ve found so far… so let’s see what happens and where it goes… 

So let’s see…. The first thing that might have thought to be a trap and I was cautious when I first arrived was observing a very powerful lady who can be on the negative and demanding side.  I was cautious because I’ve dealt with this style of personality in fact we had a conversation pretty much the first few visits to her about it’s hard to work for leaders because my high standards of leadership.  She wanted to have examples… and I told her some and giving examples that I thought might be the case I’d run into working with her, but not saying it in that manner.  Not only was there a trap of working under this leadership style… I also know of my history of being extremely involved with my work environments.  I find that I go and observe and see what I can do to help the system work “better”… hehe… which I know I just went through all these changes I’d do to this temple… but again this wasn’t my original goal here.  I was here to relax in an ashram setting… but this is where it came to, but this is because I’m debating whether I’m going to step in to a position where i”m more engaged for future partnerships… this hasn’t been determined… I still am allowing time and space to see where or if this partnership will continue.  So the first trap was judging the lady to be at the same consciousness level as my past bosses.  I’ve been able to observe her and sympathize why she might be in this state.  I was also falling into the trap thinking my consciousness levels haven’t increased to be able to navigate these types of situations like I hadn’t grown from my past.   And this isn’t true… my navigating has matured; however, still so much room to grow.  I mentioned that I got snippy at her last Friday… and in fact I got snippy with her again today.  But we were able to talk it through… it seems to be getting triggered when she starts yelling at me and me getting all snippety back… again I’d hope this wasn’t my reaction, but I see this is still happening.. but I feel when this happens its almost being a mirror to whom I’m speaking with for them to see how it feels to be treated the way we are treating everyone around us.  I notice when I get upset with her; she doesn’t like it… not because we have differences of opinions… because we’re not arguing about differences of opinion… but the fact that my demeanor of communication has changed in these instances where it’s agitated and irritable… Again… usually I’ve very calm and she has liked that about me.  When she is getting in fights with devotees or her husband… usually I’m not involved but try to calm people’s temper and she points out that I never get mad at her.  Well… it seems like I’m getting mad at her now and I think that’s making her uncomfortable.  Now, I’ve been able to express to her is she’s initiating these outbursts which triggers in me the same reaction.  Again I hope to continue to develop to not mirror, but I feel she’s starting to understand that I only respond in this manner when she’s in an outburst state with me.  Now… I hope she will one day not only to not approach me in this manner but to start redirecting her communication with everyone with more respect and calm nature… I”ve already seen this happening… but conditioning takes time to change so it’s not an overnight thing.  And I am not expecting her to change overnight, but do I see effort and improvement… yes and I can appreciate this and work with this as well.  I know I’m falling into a trap with her about not expressing myself fully.  I know there’s things that are building up and I know it’s not healthy to keep this bottle up… that’s probably why these outburst reactions are coming out right now.  I was able to mention a few things… but we did not have a deep discussion which is needed.  I’ve been trying to be patient and allow time for her to observe my personality and demeanor and been waiting for her to put down the walls to actually get to know one another.  I faced that wall within the first few visits and I’m not going to try to waste my energy breaking this wall down… so I’ve been patient. 

This trap I find myself in by getting very involved with my work environments… I’ve been noticing for years about this… so I’ve been more aware of my habit to do this… so this isn’t the first time working on this, but honestly I knew I was going to be able to help but on what I would say my capabilities are on a very low standard.  Well… high standard with minimal energy.  So I haven’t been stepping in doing as many projects to show how well rounded I can be… because I have been building a mindset… this is not my project… this helps me keep some distance… I say high standard with minimal energy because I am who I am.. so whatever assignment she asks of me I do to my best of my abilities… but I’m also trying not to go above and beyond.. because I haven’t had the acceptance of who I am fully here.  This is something that I again continue to remind myself… while I’m here I am stunted in my communication but with only a very select few on the property.  I still get very personal and transparent with majority of my relationships here… but when it comes to the actual Krishna devotees… there’s a gap… they’ve all assumed I’d be like past volunteers coming to try to convert them as my main mission… so stopping me from having conversations about this.. has created a bit of suppression in communication within me… I’ve been trying to express my spiritual understandings in passive ways by having conversations with people in public so what’s being said can be heard if anyone is curious enough to listen… and I feel not much conversations go without notice with her.  So again I feel like I’m playing a chess game with her.. which really I wish wouldn’t be the case… but it is where we are.  And the chess game is just for us to be grateful to have one another in each other’s lives at this time.  We’re getting there… even on my end… like I said I had jumped to judgements without getting to know her… just like she was doing to me.  We’ve been observing each other and we’re both getting more comfortable working together.  Again I sympathize with all of her responsibilities she’s placed on her plate… but that’s it… she made her own dish to consume herself… and there seems to be much more drama on her plate that I don’t really want to be involved with.  But also maybe I’m calling in drama as well… lol… I’ve been known to be quite dramatic as well.  But I’ve been seeing where there’s this atmosphere of urgency and importance in all the tasks around the temple… that just isn’t necessary.  If we need to brush the llamas for a picture it has to be now!  If we have to fix the hose to the sprinklers for the birds it has to be now!  If someone who was talking to me decides to go and grab some tape thinking it will help the project… it’s the assumption that I’m bossing people around as if I’m the authority of the person’s action… when in reality I’m not going to stop someone from doing something they want to help with.. especially when the tape can be used for many projects on property. lol… these are not life and death situations and placing everyone in this state is just unnecessary and just waste too much energy.  I’m trying to think if there has been anything of an emergency that has happened on this property in the six months I’ve been here?  In my opinion… no… I wasn’t on property when we lost a baby llama… I was still living in the neighboring town… I came to volunteer right after this lady had fallen and broken her wrist and bruised her rib by trying to carry a baby llama to shelter… again I could see being able to make this situation a priority and to move quickly to get assistance.. but I wasn’t here in these moments.  Mostly what we do is very standard duties but yet there’s so much urgency and importance into everything mostly because our leader is yelling all the time and flustering everyone which leads to reactions that aren’t necessarily the responses we’d be getting if everyone is just calm about it… hehe… so before i moved in I was also able to get a room that wasn’t on property.. I thought there would be no way I could last here if I had to sleep in the same cabin as the owners.  Placing myself in these unnecessary heightened and negative situations I knew was going to be a lot of draining of energy… so having that around me for everyday seems like a trap… hehe.. so I was able to get that lined up.. plus I got my schedule to help give her rest from the temple during the evenings a bit… by working 4 evening shifts but having 3 days off… many do not do this… there’s another devotee and staff members who don’t live on property that shares these same shifts… again I knew I wanted to focus on resting… which comes to another trap I placed myself into.  

Before I moved in here I was looking for a job… having money allows more freedom, but I knew if I was to move onto property… this would be a trap…. I would not have any income coming and this means I would be more reliant on the housing and food and activities that are allowed at this ashram.  I kind of ok with delayed gratification.. and again being uncomfortable is a good thing for temporary periods of time… so I was willing to see how I would responde to this trap I placed myself in.  It’s obvious that I’m working on my conditioning to money… but my conclusions have been this supposed lack of money has given me so much benefits… which again leads to another trap of being comfortable of just thinking this is the only way to gain benefits… I know I’ll continue to learn with money as well.  But what have I been learning in this situation for putting myself in this trap?  Well first of all… I’m super grateful there’s a space that allows this to even be possible for me to experience.  I absolutely love the opportunity to reflect without having to occupy my energy to worry about survival needs.  I have a room with my cat Elvis where we mostly have solitude which is a blessing.  I really love the fact I have access to a bath tub… hehe.. sounds trivial but this is a ritual that gives so many benefits to my energy and peace levels and the ability to feel like I’m nurturing my wellbeing.  Again this is my first ashram experience and I’ve been able to not run away for six months to get a real appreciation of what this environment can provide not only for myself but for anyone.  And I guess this is why I have gotten to the point of what changes I would make, because I understand that I’d like to be building or assisting in community design and I can live pretty simply and be satisfied with this, but I also can see subtle improvements… I’m not sure if this is a trap inherent in me as well… is looking for solutions… hehe… possibly… but I feel this is where I am currently.  Again might be trivial to some, but not having the freedom money can afford in this setting does not give me freedom to eat what I’d like to eat.  So again for me this is a delayed gratification technique… I’ve gone so long eating the same things over and over again… that I can see how this is going to give me much more appreciation to have a kitchen and choosing ingredients that I enjoy but adding variety to it.  Now there are some dishes that I enjoy but having them over and over again the dishes don’t become as appetizing anymore.  I feel I also have observed how much I enjoy having more raw food options… they serve veggies here but it seems like they are overcooked and have to have some type of sauce or syrup of all things on them… why?  lol… we have a vegan chef here and I feel like we’re missing out on a huge opportunity to not really learn more of the different options she can share with us.  Now she has been doing some dishes which my body has absolutely loved and now craves for the diversity… hehe… but we don’t have to be a chef to be able to share our dishes… I like to cook as well but there hasn’t been room to share.  I don’t have a kitchen at my spot so I’m looking forward to having a kitchen again.  I can just see how much more I’ll appreciate having this again.  I feel like I’ve fallen into this trap myself when I feel like I have a limited budget to work with same as the temple… it’s just safer to buy the same things over and over again because you can get the bang for the buck… but wow… having the choice of the ingredients still is far more desired than not having the option.  I still find ways to get out to restaurants from time to time just to get a break… but my body is craving it and so it feels like my desired is really yelling at me lately… hehe.. but I also see the diversity in people’s diets since I’ve been here and again allowing these diversities would be something I’d encourage.  I’m not saying that we have to have an open menu with meat included… I like the vegetarian option in an ashram… but even this we can have so much more variety.  And i mentioned this whole syrup in the veggies thing and why?  Why is it decided for anyone to eat this dish that it has to have syrup in it?  I’m sure it’s just as easy to not have it in there and when someone wants to add this they can, but that decision can be personalized.  That’s just one example… but we get what I’m saying… everyone who comes to eat assumes this food is healthy food… the temple implies it’s healthy because it’s vegetarian… but there’s so much sugar and let’s just say unnecessary ingredients that doesn’t have to be in the dishes and could be a choices for someone to choose if desired, but also not have to if one wishes.  Not having access to a kitchen is not ideal either.  I don’t believe many volunteers at the cabin use the kitchen there either.  I’m uncertain anyone feels comfortable using the facilities… it seems some access isn’t available there as well, but I’m thinking there’s a cleanliness thing going on there as well with the birds and just a bunch of clutter.  But right to have a property setting to setup a community… food is something important to consider.  We also talk about this farm as an organic farm, but most of our food is store bought.  I’ve been here for the winter and spring… and yes we just had summer solstice but what has been from the garden that I’ve been eating?  We’ve had butternut squash dishes that were about to be frozen and eaten in this season… we’ve got zucchini which has also been frozen and stored… we had a few apricot cobblers that came out of the freezers.  That’s it that I know of.  I might be able to see what get’s produced from the gardens but honestly I don’t see a ton of produce that’s going to come out of it.  We have a green house that doesn’t get used either… so… how do farms work this out?  Farmsteads I guess… I’m guessing what we have in gardens could do well with a small family, but when it comes to a community… we’d have to have them larger and also use the green house effectively.  Grocery shopping isn’t out of the picture of course… but it’s challenging for me to promote organic vegetables and fruit for the buffet when one dish if we’re lucky has our organic produce.  Even though this is the season for gardens… should we be setting up the greenhouse as well?  Getting produce started for the fall and winter months?  This is what I’d assume, but again I’m not a gardener and just thinking out loud.  

Because I’m not making any money… which by the way I don’t know if this is a practical rule here too… not being able to work while at the ashram… it feels like a trap all over it… not having the opportunity for people to make money while living in this community.. it seems more like a control power play.  But again it’s possible because they’re not really wanting long term volunteers here.  I mean I’ve been able to do it and feel ok, but I’ve seen a few volunteers who would’ve loved to stay on property but they wanted jobs to make money which had to move off property because of it.  I’m not sure why there isn’t a system where rent can be paid in supplement of the time not volunteering that is required.  Maybe even offering pay after the volunteer hours have been done.  But again… this defeats the purpose of resting at an ashram though too… hehe… tricky!  

I just got back from my evening walk to give snacks to the neighborhood horse… she’s a dancing horse and she’s wonderful… but it does seem like I don’t mind placing myself in traps… it really helps me observe my maturation process… each time i find myself in similar situations, I observe where I’m growing and where I’m still a bit short in i guess… but let’s continue the process

First of all this whole money thing… If I had a bank account that affords me the freedom… at this point in my life… I wouldn’t have allowed the time of day to see any of the benefits that I found here.  I know for sure I wouldn’t have gained as much trust in humans and get better at communicating…. Which I’m going to continue growing in… but I also know there’s a part of me that thinks that money is going to corrupt me in some way… that I won’t still approach my life in the same manner and damn it… I love my life and my approach… so there are things that are going to differ, but many of my attributes with stay in tacked but ultimately I would assume it would open doors further to experience and learn from.    I’ve already been establishing minimizing material belongings and again I’ve been living a full life without much monetary means… I just don’t see how I’d just forget the wisdom I’ve gained already… I feel like I’ve been living several lives in this current one I find myself… and I understand that money is going to increase… but I see this life as always learning lessons to benefit my conscious level… and if money isn’t a part of it yet… I’m still going to appreciate life where I am… that’s not going to change if money is a part of it as well.  I’m confident when it comes… I’ll be for more conscious about it than I would have any time before it.  So let’s move past money for now and see if it comes back… 

I’ve been finding myself in a trap when it comes to animals… hehe… I absolutely love and adore all types of animals and insects… but I do see this as a trap.  It’s so easy for me to want to be responsible for them… I was just telling a buddy of mine that I know this about myself and so it’s easy for me to assume to love them partially because I don’t want to feel the loss of attachment when I leave.  I know that I’m working to actually love them fully and not feel the attachment when I leave.  It’s easier for me to leave people… mostly because it’s easy to continue a communication and developing a connection with them by exchange contact information… but when it comes to an animal… it’s usually just a clean break understanding it’s highly unlikely to see them again.  I noticed this more when I knew that the llamas were going to get rented out for hikes and camping trips.  I realized a part of me started to get protective and possessive over their wellbeing… I was like how much history do we know of any of these people who are going to take the llamas?  How do we know they’ll take care of them?  One of the volunteers were helping me out and saying that they’ll be so happy to get off property and sightsee new land and a new atmosphere… I agreed they would enjoy this… and it wasn’t anything too serious, but then when I started hearing about the selling of the llamas… again… I was being possessive and even saw how selective I was to whatever llamase would be sold… I was looking at their personalities and figuring out who would be ok being alone.  I feel like there’s only maybe three who might be up to that task… but I also feel even though they like to be by themselves.. I feel they feel much better to be in a herd and choosing when they can get their alone time.  But once she gave me the list of llamas who were up for sale… I started to get them ready and groom them… spend more time with them and walking them… the first llama is going to a sheep farm to guard them… and when I saw the list I had a good idea of who would be chosen… I even took a last video with him before he left since I figured he’d be the one chosen out of the options.  But again in my head of was wondering why some of them were chosen over other ones.  I lucked out during the day the buyers came… I prepped the llamas, but then I guided a tour of visitors when it came to the final decision and taking him off property. I’m not certain if he would be the one I would have had as an option… the only reason why is because he’s still fairly young and he doesn’t feel comfortable being alone.  I couldn’t get him to be comfortable to take a walk around the property on his own… he always wanted a second llama with him.  But he’s sweet and he’s been in smaller sections pinned up since I’ve moved onto property so I love the fact that I think he’ll share I think it was 12 acres of land with the sheep.  And even though he doesn’t have any llamas… i think he’s going to have a big herd of sheep that he’ll have as company.  And since he’s young.. he should be able to adapt fairly easier than most.  I met and spoke with the family and they were all very sweet.  The owner was trying to encourage them not to use the llama as a pet, but I could see some of the daughters leaning towards giving him quite a bit of love though… hehe… so I’m happy for him.  Now we have another buyer who wanted six llamas and she was thinking about doing that but then decided that three would be her max.  There are only six llamas males to choose from.  The oldest, cloud wouldn’t be for sale because of his age and this is his home until he passes.  And technically there’s only five because she wouldn’t be giving away the alpha either… oh my goodness how miserable he would be to leave his herd… I couldn’t even imagine how we would have to deal with that.  But out of the five remaining.. I see them in two pairs and a solo… I thought one of the pairs wouldn’t be a consideration because most of the herd has the same bloodline as the alpha so the one who doesn’t would stay… but that’s actually not her approach.  She said that it’s fairly easy to connect with other llama breeders and exchange alphas to introduce new blood.  So she’ll try breeding him before he leaves so we’ll have babies with his blood line.  He’s a pretty sweet and handsome llama… he’s the second alpha… and he’s much more of a lover to humans than any of them.  His buddy partner will be going with him… and then the solo guy will join him.  So I’m trying to get them all to get along before they leave.  The solo llama picks fights and gets beat up.  He’s trying to challenge all the older llamas, but he’s not strong enough to make it up the ladder.  He’s actually a very sweet llama… I’ve been spending quite a bit of time with him because he seemed to always be the outsider of the male crew.  I’ve been allowing him to spend time outside of the ladies quarters and he’s loving that.  He’s in his own little section right now and I’d love for him to get larger land to enjoy… right now I just don’t know how to have him get along with the second alpha.  The third is a gelded llama so he doesn’t get into fights really… hehe… so I’m glad she told me the llamas… because again I can get my time with them before they go.  I’ve been thinking about these animals a lot lately… I feel like there’s an abundance of animals to take care of in comparison to the people who are willing to care for them.  So reducing the numbers is not a bad thing.  But that also got me thinking whether domesticated animals is the more conscious move for the animals themselves… I can obviously see the benefits we humans get to have the animals but what’s best for them?  Did I already talk about the parrots?  I think so… should we be rehabilitating them instead of sanctioning them for the next sixty years?  If we do sanction them… shouldn’t we be making a larger effort for them to be more concerned in creating a habitat for them to feel more like a parrot by helping them fly again and having trees and fruits for them to pick off the trees… not having to put them in cages… so much do i enjoy animals… and I definitely see a future having animals in my life… but I feel like there’s more to understand before assuming domesticated animals are the thing to do.  When they’ve already been domesticated… do we continue this?  Or do we try to rehabilitate?  Many questions I ask myself aren’t answered right away…and many times it’s very situational.  But we’re figuring this out… and I’m trying to figure this out in my involvement with animals too.  I mean I just got back from this neighborhood horse… the dancing horse.  I found her a few weeks ago and I’ve been back every evening since except when I went swimming and hiking a few days back.  I see myself getting attached… I had written a letter to leave on the gate to ask the owners if I can have permission to clean her area and if I had a chance to groom her and get to know her name… I didn’t say all of this… but that’’s what I wanted.. to establish a deeper relationship.  But I haven’t left the letter yet.  The reason I am drawn to her is because again she’s alone and in a smaller area than what I would deem comfortable for a large horse.  I see that hay is getting dropped off maybe every 10 days and I have to keep checking her water levels because it’s been so hot and it gets so low… good thing there’s a pump right there and I just fill it up.  But I start to think that if I establish a relationship with her… she can get more attention and not have to be lonely by herself.  But it can definitely be a trap getting attached to her.  I noticed once they dropped off the second bale of hay she’s not eating eating it as much.  I’m wondering if I’m getting her to think she can rely on my feeding her a bag full of alfalfa and grasses… instead of eating her hay?  Goodness.. I’d definitely not want her owners to think they can go longer periods of not feeding her too… so am I really helping?  If these animals aren’t really my responsibility… how much interference should I be doing?  As much as I’d love to care for these animals… I also know that I’m not in a position to want to be settled into a location.  That’s why I keep thinking about a shared community… many great people like to have the stability of staying primarily in one place… if I can visit from time to time to love on them… it would be awesome because I feel like I can love them but not lose them… hehe… I’d like to love them even if I lose them.  And I do… but not have this attachment… I don’t think I’m going to go into attachment at this time… I feel like I’ve addressed this already a couple times in this Journal.  

So… there’s another trap that I found myself in while I’ve been here and I’d like to go into it but I’m going to go to the grocery store to grab a snack before getting into it.  It’s getting late and I feel like I might be up a while longer and it would be nice to have a snack… hehe

what nice walk… yeah I think I’m good at the traps I”ve been noticing… and I don’t see them as traps anymore… I have tendencies and again… im gaining benefits from them… and i had been getting messages about possibly over sharing… ha!  So maybe it’s best that I take a while to get to the point mostly because I’m still just laying out possibilities in my mind… I‘ll leave it here for the night…. Good night

[withinUverse]

Ok… some interesting shifts are and have been happening around here… mostly there’s a family of three that moved into the guest house with me and Elvis.  They are devotees from Seattle and there are moving here pretty much permanently.  I guess there was supposed to be an apartment that was going to vacate to allow them to move in… which I don’t see the vacancy happening any time soon hehe… I heard some suggest they don’t have to unpack everything right now because we’ll get them moved into the alternative location.  Hehe… smh… ok so there’s not a whole lot of communication that goes on here at property.  Usually like for myself… I get the notice that someone is coming to the guest house usually the day of, and sometimes the day before.  So there’s no calendar that lets anyone know what’s going on.  Which if fine, we just always have to be flexible to shift things at any given moment.  Which again is fine… but i could see how things could actually be a bit more organized to help everyone involved.  So… this gentleman who is being asked to vacate… is the son of the previous owner of the house… who is still living in the house… Anyway without getting into too much detail… there’s a lot of belongings the son has, plus I think he might have a substance abuse issue which doesn’t allow him to fully want to be as cooperative as one might hope.  So there’s a maintenance man whose been here for over ten years who is not a devotee or live on property… but he likes to help to some extent and he’s the one saying not to have to unpack everything… I understand his wishful thinking of having the vacancy sooner than later… but I asked realistically do you think the son will move out before a month’s time?  Most likely not… so maybe it won’t be a bad idea for them to start unpacking and figuring out where their belongings are is not a bad thing.  Now this family has a lot of belongings.  They pulled in with a 26 foot U-Haul truck filled to the top completely… I helped unload their belongings into garage the morning after they arrived.  Not only were they moving their home belongings but the mother has an Ayurvedic medicine business and her oldest son has a EBay business… so anywho…many things.  We haven’t been able to close the garage door the last two nights because it’s overflowing… hehe… but they also needed some rest.  They’d been packing for five days before arriving here… so it looks like today they’re starting to make decisions and unpacking a bit.  But this has been interesting to have roommates and I’m curious how it goes.  So far I enjoy them… Elvis doesn’t know exactly what to do right now… but I think once it calms down, it’ll be good.  

There was a few days where the owner wife was not feeling good last week… so I was able to help manage the days when she actually rested which I’m glad she didn’t try to push it and just relax… we are not in life and death situations here… but it went smoothly… I found myself wanting to do many of the projects but instead getting people from one project split them and continue different projects to get things mostly done.  Just a few observations that I saw was an elder who’s been helping as long as I’ve been here; he comes on Fridays to volunteer.  I had set him on a project to power wash the main deck of the temple.  I was in a middle of a tour and he came to let me know that there’s another project that the owner wife wants from us.  We had to get three llamas brushed and ready for possible sale.  He also said that a devotee inside the temple would love to do the temple tour.  I said great… I told the tour that he will be assisting them.  We’re finishing up the outside tour and so we’ll get inside and tag-team so the tour can get the temple tour.  He wanted to help by saying the three people that would be needed to brush and grab the llamas.  I told him that’s not necessary right now.  It doesn’t take that many people and I asked him to continue finishing the power washing… He and his partner for the day had gotten half of the area done… so I said by the time you finish the other half your shift is done and go enjoy your lunch.  I have just been noticing some quirkiness that happens when people start to think you have some authority now… even though just a hair of some type of authority… there was another devotee who saw I was trying to repair a hose… which I think I already mentioned because the owner wife and I got into our second tiss because she started to raise her voice to me saying that I shouldn’t tell people to go buy things.  I said I didn’t tell her to do anything.  She decided on her own that she was going to do this.  I figured we could always use some more electric tape anyway.  We, the wife and I, fixed the hose together… and when the devotee returned she asked her to return the tape and get a refund.  And it almost seemed like the devotee was expecting that to happen… as if this was a weird “thing” they do… and that’s the thing the wife said that this devotee likes to use the credit card to buy frivolous items… and that’s what I explained to her… how am I supposed to know your history together…. I didn’t know this… how was I supposed to suggest to her that she shouldn’t go buy tape … it didn’t seem like a big deal and again this devotee has been living here for ten years… who am I to tell her what she can and cannot do… but yes… quirkiness and subtle dramas that’s been developing with the “staff”.  I ran into this when I wanted to talk to the maintenance man.  

So the day before I was helping manage the day shift and the final last hour after the tour I went ahead and wanted to start tackling the thistles that are overtaking a specific area.  The wife said that the thistle don’t grow every year but they are going to seed which just creates more to deal with the next year.. so it was just good to go ahead and cut them down and we’ll throw them in the dumpster which for us is a horse trailer so we can take it to the dump to dispose of trash.  There was the vegan chef there to help me and so we started looking for tools.. We grabbed the big lawn shears and we were looking for gloves.  As we were looking I saw the maintenance man and I figured he’d know where some good pair of gloves might be.  He told me and asked me what tools I was going to use to tackle the thistles… I told him I found three big shears…. I hear they’re not the sharpest so I have a file to sharpen them if needed.  He said well he just uses a shovel to knock them down and then just stab at the base to break the stems.  At first I thought he wanted us to dig the roots and I said she said it wasn’t necessary but then he mentioned the whole stabbing thing.  Well I told him I’ll take a shovel to see what works best.  So we drove the truck to the area and started… the shovel was not successful.. but again it wasn’t really the proper shovel to use… so I just started using the shears.  They weren’t super sharp but if I got the stems near the wedge of the shears I could cut them down… so I just started doing that.  I noticed the chef was trying to dig up the roots and I told her that it wasn’t necessary… and I just showed her where I was cutting the stems at.  Again the shears are dull and she wasn’t having any success at cutting down any of the stems so we just started the system where I would cut down the stems and she would take the stacks of thistles and load them into the back of the truck.  We dropped off two loads off at the dumpster and by that time it was time for her to finish for the day.  So I was just going to go back out and continue but she said to wait til tomorrow and she’ll help because it’s really a two person job… so I said ok… I can do that.  There’s plenty of projects to work on so for the remaining two hours for my shift I did something else.  So the next day I wanted to tackle the thistles… she got called into kitchen duty so I found someone else to help but the work truck wasn’t there… the maintenance man was using it… so again… other projects… fine.  The next day we were going to have supposedly two large groups who are going to be volunteers and so I was speaking to the wife of the different projects we can have them do… again one being to tackle the thistles… so I saw the maintenance man while I was taking my lunch and I said I had a question for him.  He sat down and said that there’s probably more than one question I have for him… so what are they?  I said if I could use the truck tomorrow between 11am to 1pm… he asked why and I said we’re supposed to have a crew here to help and we’d like to continue on the thistles.  He said any time I need the truck I just need to ask him because he can use other vehicles… i mean he has his own truck that he drives to property with.  I said ok… well normally I don’t need the truck and I know you’re busy and use the truck more often than any of us.  But I figured I’d go ahead and make arrangements with you… so we’re on the same page.  Well I thought that seemed reasonable… but for him it seemed that he just wanted me to wait until tomorrow and when I needed the truck to just tell him and then we’d get it done.  I said ok… that’s fine.  But then he started asking about our technique of cutting the thistles… I told him that I took a shovel but it was easier for us to just use the shears.  Which again wasn’t what he wanted to hear because that’s not the way he does it.  And then he said well… why don’t we just cut down all the thistles and leave them in piles and in a few days he’ll just go with the truck and pick them up.  I told him… that it seems better to just go ahead and load them instead of leaving them in a pile… once they’re cut they might want to seed which is what we’re trying to prevent.  Which again… this was a long drawn out battle… I just said if we don’t have the truck we can just do other things but if we can have the truck then I’ll have people help out.  And I said… we started the thistles… we’d like to get it done.. and then he said yeah… you guys started but you didn’t finish.  I said well we had other priorities in the morning so once we got to that project they only had an hour left before their shift ended… so we did what we could and we got a lot done in the hour.  He said well why wouldn’t you just finish.  I said if that was the only project of the day… it would’ve been but that’s not how it works.  I don’t care if it gets done the same day because right now it’s not a priority but we need projects for volunteers to do and this seems like a good one… and the more they can get done, the less we have to do… which seems good in my book.  Well… then he continued about using the trailer instead of the truck.  I have to mention that he thought of this while he was grilling me… he said why don’t I just hook up the trailer to the truck and load the thistles inside of it?  I said that does seem like a good idea… but I don’t have much experience hauling a trailer… yes it’s easy going forwards… but the area we are at I have to back up to make it useful to have the trailer there… plus she already warned us not to get the truck stuck because we’ve been dumping our llama maneuver in this areas so there are soft spots… so I wasn’t even thinking of bringing the trailer… I was walking the land to make sure where it was safe to drive the truck in without getting stuck… adding a trailer to deal with didn’t cross my mind, but again it would be safer and easier for me to just use the truck.  It wasn’t hard for us to load the back and then unload into the trailer.  Well I ended up finding out that he doesn’t like going into the trailer to unload at the dump and that he would prefer the thistles just stay in the back of the truck.  I said well we can do that, but what’s in the trailer now was two truck loads… and we’ve got about three more and so it seems like we can get more done by filling up the trailer.  In the middle of our discussion or debate maybe… another devotee was outside doing her flower arrangements and started laughing at us and said to the maintenance man to stop giving me a hard time… I’m just starting to take on more responsibilities.  I said that I didn’t ask for these responsibilities… but I figured I’d get things lined up tomorrow to make it easier when the groups show up.  I mean… the only thing I wanted was to see if I can get the truck for a few hours… then it became something else… I mean he’s been working here for ten years and all of a sudden using a shovel and a trailer is the best way to do the thistles and we should’ve known that in the first hour of doing this.  I spoke to him before we started and he only mentioned the shovel which we tried and it was harder than just using shears… and he hadn’t thought within the ten years of working the land to use the trailer.. but we were supposed to think of it.  And we don’t usually drive trailers… so why would be think to do that?  But anyway… I told him we appreciate what he does… and I respect his opinions and his time and that’s why I wanted to see if two hours without the truck was going to be a big deal or not… and I guess it’s not?  I’m not sure… hehe… but this whole conversation got me thinking about the “staff” that has been on this property for years how they are going to transition when new management comes in to play.  

So normally the maintenance man and I get along very well… I feel like I’m one of the few that just talks to him without wanting something from him.  And I know he prefers to work alone, but I offer my help when I’m available and rarely will he accept my help.  But he’s been wrapped up in this drama that happens around here with the “staff”. I remember his opinions about the wife when I first got on property, and I’m glad that I don’t just take people’s opinions as truth… I listen but I have to feel out for myself what’s going on.  But anyway there has only been one time in the past six months where he seemed to get upset with me and held a grudge over me… hehe… he didn’t now that I already had a schedule for the day and I was about to take my lunch break and a longer break before returning for another two hours after most of the staff left.  He had five helpers already.. and I gave him my helper but he wanted me to come and help…and I said… this isn’t going to be done in five minutes and I’m taking my break right now.  I’m sure the six of you guys can take down the inflatable jumping cage thing just fine without me.  Again… I didn’t think it was a big deal until he refused to speak to me for a few weeks after this incident.  So what I’m actually getting at is… there’s been management that has established it’s core staff and how they relate to each other has been developing and it’s now become their “thing”.  I might hear the staff complaining about the bossiness of the wife; however, it seems that they actually prefer it this way.  Not just the maintenance man… but many devotee staff again… likes the banter back and forth and look forward to having these little bouts of drama… maybe their life in the bubble needs a bit of excitement so they like this drama from time to time.  So how would a new manager approach this?  I mean… if I put myself in this position… I wouldn’t promote continuing the drama… I wouldn’t promote bossing everyone around… but the solution wouldn’t be to just start fresh with a new staff would it?  It would be really trying to establish communication as the priority to start a new relationship… every one here that has been established as the staff… again likes this drama and they’ve been trying to rope me into gossip about people here… which I just don’t get involved with.  I make it short and sweet and pretty much say… this is not my area to talk about… best to talk to the source instead.  It’s tricky… of course I can pick out things that I feel could change, but how habitual have these dramatic tendencies been engrained into the mindsets?  Taking people’s words not on face value but actually seeing the repetition that continue as their behavior as the truth instead of the words being spoken.  Again so many complaints.. but it’s comfortable and even though they might not agree with everything… it’s a system they’ve been able to learn to deal with.  So if there were changes… would they just continue to complain because it’s just what they really want to be is unhappy… even if everything was changed to their recommendations.. would that allow them to be happy?  Or again… this is something internal for them to work on… of course this is the case.  That’s why I have been thinking specifically about this maintenance man.  He’s a good old boy and he’s set in his ways… he’s got a lot of experience and knowledge to share… but… could I try convince him to actually work with people so he can share his knowledge?  Maybe people might want to keep this knowledge to themselves so they can still have significance in a particular situation?  He knows that the owners are near the age of having to pass the reigns to the next generation… is he not seeing this happen in his position as well?  He’s one of the few staff members that actually gets paid… what would happen if that was going to be taken away?  Would he still care about the property?  Would he still be as opinionated about the activities that continues to be done here?  He’s got a bit of a hoarder mentality as well and so I know I’d recommend getting rid of the trash… I mean that’s being asked now, but there are still things he stashes away… and it just sits there waiting to be used.  I’m all for cross-training.. and I’d love for him to actually work all the different areas that goes on here and so he can see that what he does is important, but there are many important positions that goes on too.  I also promote duties that are more of a solitude position, but again balancing it out by doing group projects.  He’s been there a long time and it seems like it’s a very similar mindset that I find the wife gets into as well… they’ve been doing the same things over and over again.. that they forget that most people who walk onto property to volunteer is their first time at the property.. they have no clue what they’re getting themselves into.  And many of the duties asked of them is their first time… but also we have to figure out how to do these first time projects with janky and limited tools… and then get yelled out for not doing it right… or made to feel insignificant because they don’t now what they’re doing… but they’ve got many odds against them and not a whole lot of opportunity to set them up for success.   Yeah it’s been interesting the thoughts that have been going on in my mind lately… but let’s see if we can shift gears real quick.  

So… I’ve been thinking about this over sharing message that I get, but then I also feel like transparency is important… so finding a balance in this is continuous.  So… I’ve been learning that the collective consciousness is strong and so if I choose to share my thoughts on particular subjects to particular groups… the level of the collective can either shift to promote or hinder these thoughts… so I’ve been trying to be more selective on what topics I share.  Again it’s challenging because I just want to continue as I do and just allow my tongue to be loosey goosey on the online Journal… but that’s what’s different about my personal journal to an online one who is subject to the collectives interpretations and also the shifts that can happen.  Do we realize everything is allowing for everything to exist, right?  I think we might have an idea of what I’m saying.  Everything that has happened in my life so far has led to this moment.  But not just everything I have done.. but everything that anyone has done since the moment of birth… and before the moment of birth… everything had to play out exactly as it did for this moment currently to exist.  So let’s just say we are complaining about all the “bad” things that have happened in this reality… all of these bad things had to be played out for anything to exist.  Now of course these bad things might have been repetitious enough until we were conscious enough and creative enough to try new courses to adjust or replace these bad things… so again… the bad things had to exist to realize we wanted a change from them… yes?  But not just human happenings makes existence exist…. I mean every little thing has to happen just the way it does for this moment to exist.  So every plant, insect, animal, microbial activities that has been happening since my birth and prior has allowed this moment for me to exist.  I’ve been listening to people to about how insignificant our lives are…and I just don’t have that same understanding.  Of course in an existential way we can say it’s insignificant but it’s just the other side of the coin of saying how significant our lives are.  But all depends on the development of our consciousness to how we perceive the seeming difference of insignificant to significant… many people just assume what the person is saying without getting any additional information…. And I guess I fall in the same trap as well… assuming most people will need a word that is more positive for them to focus on so I’d like to encourage the significant life…. I mean not only the actions… but the thoughts we have in each moment has to exist for existence to be at all… we are so intertwined… I feel it’s quite significant… what maybe insignificant is that we don’t have to make it happen… it just already happens without our control of it.  Many of us our paralyzed by doing the right thing or not… and in a human sense I can understand this.. but in a universal sense… every minute little thing is the right things… the universe doesn’t make mistakes… what seems like a mistake is just looking at a short term existence… but the universe is geared for eternity.  Our existence is lining up existence that we’ll not be able to perceive in these bodies… but in my understanding…. It’s the human who thinks there is a wrong or right way of doing things… which again many I know seem to feel like they don’t know how to do anything or try new things…. Hehe… which in reality is the perfect way for them to be at this moment… we are where we are and this is the perfection of reality.  

So this goes hand in hand with the recent video about the psychology of being wrong.  I whole heartedly agree that these are one of the tell tale signs for me to see how much someone has delved deep into their spiritual work… true humbleness because of the many realizations of how mistaken we’ve been and how much mystery continues to build in this reality.  This reminds me of conversations I’ve had when people I’m speaking with about ceremonies and visions with Ayahuasca.  They already know how passionate I am about this process…it’s pretty evident when I start to communicate… but any who.. what if my visions and guidance is wrong?  This does not stop me in anyway from learning.  What would stop me from learning is over analyzing and over thinking whether I should trust myself or my visions or my guidance.  There has to be a huge capacity to trust in the first place to receive benefits in Aya ceremonies… and again a factor that I observe in people of their capacity to trust in general.  But with my understanding of reality as perfection… is when I’m in ceremony… my conscious levels are being elevated to be able to receive and perceive in magnitudes greater than waking state.  However, ceremony or reality knows exactly what motivates me and inspires me and it speaks to me in several layers… It already knows where I am and speaks to me in the manner that kind of makes sense in this realm of communication.  I love to solve problems… so again it’s not going to give me every detail because that just isn’t much of a fun life to live in my opinion.  But again… I might be mistaken of all the reasons of why I’m getting theses messages… because in my human state there something inside that wants to figure out the resolution…. The destination of why I have received this message… but I’ve been observing for a while now that the destination is not what fills me up with joy… it’s the journey… so again… it speaks to me in a manner and knows where I am and how completely crazy and curious I am… that I’m going to go ahead and explore these visions and guidance… and not to get to a final destination but what I’m going to be learning all along the way!  I’ve had many things I’ve been guided towards… and of course the human in me wants to say it’s because of one thing or another… but that’s really to satisfy the other humans I’m communicating with… this is something that is common in our lives and so I”ve appeased the humans to try to give them a logical answer… but in reality inside my own mind… I don’t need any logic to have me want to explore… because even though i don’t know the entirety of what I”m going to be learning…. I know I’ll be learning regardless and my observation skills and contemplation is increasing that… there’s far more that I”ll get out of what I think I’ll get out of it…. I understand this to be true for me.  I”ve been thinking about Leo’s last videos and there was a part where we can put ourselves in so many traps because we’ve been great at learning in this manner… I feel like that has been me most of my life.  Again… I feel like I’ve gained so much skills in resourcefulness and confidence and trust… that regardless of what I get my crazy self into… I’m going to be exactly where I need to be to learn something even if I don’t know exactly what I’m learning until I’m in the thick of it… and most of the time it was until after the fact… but my skills are increasing to be able to see growth as it’s happening now too.  But so yes… I’m so comfortable at being wrong or mistaken… because again…this is something the humans care about… but that’s just a conditioning of intelligence is knowing things and being right… which I’d like to question… I mean really… how intelligent is it to stand our ground on everything as truth and not be open to explore alternative options to our stance?  Reality has been trying to teach us through example all the time… if we can observe it… what do we say… change is inevitable… for this to be true do we have to be wrong?  Or is this just stepping stones… infinite amount of stepping stones… hehe… but again language wants to distinguish one thing to another so if one thing doesn’t work out like we thought it would be think this is wrong… and so the right thing has to be something completely different… if we think of things as stepping stones and then maybe we’ll just make those small corrections as many times as we need to find solutions we accept and enjoy… until the next generation comes with something else… hehe…. 

Well… we’ve got four llamas being rented out tomorrow to go hiking and camping for a few days… I’d like to get them ready a bit more and damn it… maybe I’ll even tackle some more thistles… hehe… we’ll see how things go… but I want to take a break so until next time… chao    

[withinUverse]

Ok…. So I’m back in Colorado… in the small mountain town I’ve been visiting for the past six years minus last year when I stayed in Indiana.  So how did this happen… signs… yes I receive signs and I cannot help but get moved by them.  It’s very interesting how these signs speak to me.  Because I was getting signs on staying there in the Temple and then all of a sudden… it was time to move on.  It only took me a week to get things together and head out.  Without going into crazy detail I’ll just say the main sign that got me moving I read on IG… I find him… I’ll find you. #osprey #Iseeeverythingyoudoandyousee #shellybeachsunshinecoast #caloundra which was posted on July 20th and I was getting dropped off in Colorado in a couchsurfer’s spot on the 28th.  I found a very sweet spot by the river and the host was an interesting character.  It was just an interesting time… hehe… so there was supposed to be a festival going on.  My friend who drove me took me to the festival so we can do an exchange I guess.  We listened to some music and chatted for about an hour but the host was no where to be found and wasn’t responding anymore to the texts we were sending.  Reading the other messages you could kind of tell the host started engaging in substances… i assumed alcohol and I was mostly right.  But anyway my friend didn’t feel comfortable leaving me at the festival alone so he dropped me off at the spot where the host lived.  It was a gorgeous spot next to the river so I didn’t mind at all.  The host lives with his father and they have a third home for airbnb guests.  But the backyard was ver enchanting and I loved hanging out there.  The host came back pretty late and he was pretty lit up… but we ended up having a great conversation.  I was really looking forward to hanging out with him more the next morning.  But it was like a light switched turned off.  So it was night and day the following morning.  The host and his dad were doing some remodeling to the airbnb house and I thought I’d be able to give them a helping hand.  But he didn’t want any help but he said if I wanted to mow the lawn that would be really helpful.  So I did… I mowed and weed-eated the backyard and I really enjoyed myself.  He wasn’t being overly rude or anything but finally he admitted that he was concerned that my cat was going to injure his pet bird in the bird cage.  I was telling him that he doesn’t have to worry… I don’t even think my cat knows the bird exists… he’s trying to understand this new space himself.  But he asked me to go ahead and leave the next day because of his anxiety.  I totally understood… and booked my train ticket for the next morning.  During the night he said that I was being very sweet and patient with him… he sees that my cat wasn’t going to do anything but it was going to make him feel better to not have to think about all the things that could’ve happened.  I just said I wish he would have communicated his concerns before I arrived because I let him know up front that I’m traveling with my cat.  He said that he hoped he wouldn’t wig out about it… but he did anyway.  But Elvis and I took the Zephyr tot he mountain town for our first time.  It was running along the Colorado River and it was really comfortable trip with great views.  My buddy picked me up from the station, went to the grocery store, and headed to his place.  I was so excited to cook in his large kitchen.  It was interesting how it felt like it was forever since I’ve been able to cook.  But taking my time cutting up the ingredients and touching the food… cooking it in the pan with the fire… it was just really nice to be back in this opportunity again.  I made myself a veggie specifically mushroom omelette and was a very happy girl… things I was craving was the eggs, mushrooms, onions, and garlic that I had eaten rarely in the eight months at the temple.  I added more veggies but these ingredients were a must for me as the first thing I wanted to cook and enjoy and savor.  

 

I’ve been here for 16 days now… and I have to continue to remind myself to slow down while I”m here… I’m on the go, go, go… and this location has such a remarkable beauty and energy that unfortunately can be easily taken for granted while I’m here.  I’m use to working and the more I come the more I limit my time working.  But literally tomorrow will by two weeks into working a construction job with my old boss buddy.  I didn’t want to deal with the public right now and I like to problem solve and this boss buddy of mine is like the most ultimate problem solver because all of his jobs are the jobs no one else wants to take on… and no matter what he’ll figure it out… even though he’s frustrated the entire time.  The first week I already told him that I’m going to just work until lunch for this week.  And damn… it’s been kicking my ass.  I love it but my body is just not ready for all of this… we’ve been building stone retaining walls, redirect the water drainage system… crawling under the crawl spaces to dig footer holes 30 inches down in the Rockies… so yes there’s rocks everywhere… one of the holes I just dug a second large hole to roll a 200 pound rock into it so I could get the footer hole where it needed to be and just bury the big rock again next to where it was… hehe… my buddy boss thought we’d be able to pull it out… but we couldn’t get the chain to stay… so he said what I did was fine… hehe… but we’ve started pouring the footers to half of them… I think we’ll be finishing pouring tomorrow.  The previous builders had some pour design decisions which has collapsed the decks and the foundation was failing and the guest house connected to main house was sinking.  I was super happy to find an excavator on site.. but when I started looking around with the tight and narrow spot we were in along with the steepness of the mountain we are on… it was much more beneficial to watch my buddy boss do his thing and see what was the capabilities of excavator.  I’d love to get a chance to learn, but not in this setting.  He’s trying to get the foundation rebuilt by September 5th… so I might be able to get this taken care of with him before then.  And then I’ll probably not continue… I like to learn but I just want some extra cash for groceries right now.  Plus… working in the mud with the boss buddy got me thinking of trying an event here.  

 

I’m not sure how this came really to play.. but I feel like I want to explore or allow my wild side to let loose for awhile.  I have been thinking about setting up an exclusive event that will sprinkle a bit of kink into the mix.  As I continue to think about this it started to get political and so I’ve already slowed down… and asking myself if this was a squirrel moment… hehe… for some reason I don’t know but I think this might be a good-bye party.  It feels like it would be a forever good-bye, but I’m not really sure that’s the case.  But I don’t think I’ll be returning for at least a few years.  There has been a few deaths that have happened this year in this community.. and there are more and more that seem to be getting sicker and it just seems like it might be the last time I see some.  There’s just some weird feelings that I’m having.  Because I have been doing some tough labor… I’ve been sleeping most of the time… hehe… I wasn’t expecting to come back here and do this… but I think I need stabilize my energy and see where it leads.  This community is a work hard, play hard community… and much of it has been conditioned in us and I’d like to look at it to see actually how healthily this is for future generations and sustainability.  The politics here has affected the direction of this community and of course it’s hard not to notice.  I wish I could address this… but just saying a little bit to some… they understand… and a few others got offended.. and so I wonder if that’s really something that I should be addressing at this time.  It’s a cliche story of have and have nots… many of the locals who are the workers struggle to even find a room to rent let alone establishing a home here.  Most of the homes are airbnb… so it’s pretty frustrating when majority of the homes sit empty and we’re trying to find a room to place an air mattress to sleep on.  And still have to pay $700/month if we find that… hehe… there’s ton of work and we’re expected to work two to three jobs… where we’ll use all our energy for the owners so of course we’ll be able to pay this… but to what cost and to what extent?  Also the older established owners who have lead this direction has all the “correct” ideas… so catering to the visitors instead of the community that has to maintain this place is the “better” way… geesh… I don’t know if I’m going to get into this right now.  I at one time thought I could try to establish myself here.. but the system was a bit too toxic and unsustainable… which was fortunate for myself because I’ve been able to see a different life.. but I also see people who would love to stay here and still struggle.  What am I really trying to do while I’m here?  Is there anything I can really influence here in a larger perspective?  Or is it more the individuals here that I can help.  I’ve been doing  this already… why do I want to make it a larger community thing right now?  Do I even have enough time to try to address this?  I’m going back to Indiana the first of October because my cousin’s wedding.  Yes… there’s more grounding that I need to do right now.  I’m not sure how I got so out of wack… For some reason… I feel this month isn’t going to have any resolutions that I’m looking for… I’m curious what September is going to bring.  Maybe I can just continue to lay low here.  I keep thinking that it’s time for me to go, but I keep finding that slowing down and laying low is much more where I’m supposed to be at this time…. Hehe… alright.. I just wanted to get this out… let’s see where things go from here. 

[withinUverse]

Alright good morning…. I feel like there are things that I’d like to explore a bit more… I cleaned out and moved into the airstream two days ago… it looks like I still need a buffer zone around people.  Not only formyself but also for my cat, Elvis.  We’ve been staying in a room in the house where there are two housemates and a dog and also my buddy who owns the house.  The dog hasn’t really been around cats before and he’s a border collie who was asked to leave the farm because he wasn’t helping herd the farm animals… he was actually scarring them.  He’s super cute but yes you can see the bit of the aggressive side… I’m not sure it’s even aggression in a way but it’s more the pushiness or adamant he gets.  So Elvis and I’ve been here four summers?  Time is skewed and it’s hard for me to keep it all straight and really it doesn’t make a difference… hehe… at least right now.  But this might just be our third summer at this location.  Regardless… he feels comfortable here and normally we have dogs here but everyone just lets one another have it’s own space and he can still roam around the house and even go in and out of the house.  We’ll that wasn’t the case this time.  The fire ban was set in place last week and so my buddy pulled his airstream back from the campsite onto his property.  I started to think that maybe it will be best if we just move out there so I don’t have to keep Elvis shut up in the room and it will allow him opportunities to go in and out… spend some time outside… he especially loves the mornings because there’s not much human activity going on outside so he can explore a bit.  He seems to be super happy… and I’m happy as well having our own space.

So… this is just warming me up a bit.. because this isn’t what I wanted to address… but it is helping me clear out my energy and allowing space for me to think about what’s happening with me right now.  So… it looks like i’m working on sexual healing within myself right now.  Anytime I get this guidance to address… I get nervous… but I also get excited… so how did this even come about?  So I’ve been working a construction job with my old boss buddy and it’s been pretty rainy for a couple of weeks.  There was one day that I just kept on working and it was muddy.  My boss wasn’t wanting to get all dirty and said that I didn’t have to keep working.  I told him that I didn’t mind getting muddy… in fact I should have been a mud wrestler because I love the mud.  And I do… hehe… he said so if I make a mud pit you’ll let him rub all over me… i chuckled and said yeah in a way, but this mud here is super rocky so I would prefer just mud and I’d have to see if I can find any girls who would like to join me in the mud… wrestling maybe but more like dancing.  So these words… are what triggered me into a consuming mind warp for like a week.  Well… it was also a combination of looking a someone’s particular story posts… he had been posting quite a bit and one of the posts was a beautiful natural scene that had a large river and waterfalls and three beautiful naked women bathing in it.  I started to chuckle because I was like finally… he’s interested in naked woman again…hehe… there was a long period of time that I was questioning how his connection to communities who were female bashing was going to hinder his ability to find a lover?  I started thinking of planning an event that would have kink mixed into it.   And more of his posts started showing party scenes with beautiful men and women engaging in flirtation and sexual tones… so the mind warp consumption kickstarted. 

I started thinking… ok… am I going to be doing adult entertainment here?  I’ve been slowly building a reputation here… and mostly one of the few who do not engage in alcohol or weed… they’re all getting the idea of how serious I take my spirituality… but many continue to assume that this also leads to a stale lifestyle… but they follow my travels and also of course once the music is playing I allow my body to express itself and I have to admit that it excites both genders… and it’s not because it’s overly sexually abrasive… but it’s more in the way how confident I am in my own skin and yes I like to move in seductive ways at times… but also how well I move with my dance partners… I love to compliment… and it all combines for people to notice and are attracted to this.  In my mind… it was immediate and obvious that people were attracted to me when they first met me… but I wanted them to see more than just my appearance… just like I was talking to my buddy I’m living with… it’s taken over five years for even him to see me more than a pretty face.  I think i was exaggerating a bit, but it was to make a point.  It’s been challenging for people to take me seriously or want to get to know who I am deeper than looks… when someone works with me, they definitely get a different perspective but that’s also seems to be a label I’ve been wearing that I didn’t intend… is being serious.  I take my life seriously because there were states of consciousness that I wanted to obtain and become so it took me to be serious about it to be able to achieve it… but I love to be playful as well… but its not coming as easy as it once was.  And most people who want to be playful around me it steers towards the sexual… and damn it I’m just like another pervert too.. but it’s not as fun for me when it’s taken so literally… it can’t just be shooting the shit with a buddy… If i start to make fun comments it’s as if I have to be stating what I’m going to be doing with the people I’m speaking with or something… I hope that makes sense.  But anyway… sexuality is all over the place here… it’s always been here and so I thought maybe it’s time I can give some adult entertainment to this community.  I remember how much fun I had when I was briefly doing some exotic dancing for a few months a few years back… I thought well… I enjoyed expressing myself sexually while also giving pleasure to the people I was with.  I thought maybe I can do this here as well.  In fact there has been a few deaths… more people getting sick and having to move to a lower altitude… I feel like I might not be returning here for a few more years once I leave… so I thought… geesh there might be many of in this community that I might not get a chance to see again.  I usually run into them and get time to share together… but maybe what they can benefit from is having some sexually infused experience… many are single and let them remember the good ole days… days when they were young and full of virility.  I mean even if they’re not single and happily married… again allowing them to share in some fun where its possible to set up a setting for them to let loose… and again I know I’d enjoy myself because I love to give people pleasure.  

So here I am thinking about this event… and I have my buddy who I’m talking to about this and both of us are on the perverted side… I’m not sure if i am… it’s not like I think about this all the time… but when I do get into this mindset… both of us found it challenging trying to focus on anything else… lol… we were trying to figure out a location, the entertainers, the guest list… games and entertainment… when I was thinking about the schedule of events I could only think of sexual activities… and I started to notice that I couldn’t get my head out of the gutter… I knew of people who would be down for this event… but I also wanted to invite everyone… people who are more shy and some more on the conservative side… I wanted this to not be so taboo… but then I was like how can I make it a great event with creativity and talent that is being showcased in the next generation to our established generation… have an event where it was full of theater, music, comedy which is readily available here and then sprinkle in the kink so it doesn’t frighten anyone.  I thought about having three acts…and so it can lead to a build up of kink where it can be poured on by the third act… and everyone could have a window for them to leave if where it was leading was going to make them uncomfortable.. but if I could get them there in the first place and treated everyone with respect and professionalism that just maybe they would be so curious enough that they’d just stick around to observe to be curious enough to see how things go down.  I was thinking that the entertainers would give the guests a menu to choose from… we’d have appeteasers where it would be a small adult entertainment open to the guests for a short period of time and can limit the amount per guest and also state the boundaries and preferences the entertainers have… to have a diverse group to show that it’s healthy for everyone to have their own ideas of what is sexually appealing.  The entertainers would also have the “main dishes” to offer to the guests… but these would be bigger items that would be auctioned off.  The guests would bid against one another to get the opportunity for the special adult entertainment…. I thought a few would be on the private side but then half of them would be public… I wanted plenty of opportunities for people to learn.  I mean that’s really why I would love to do this… because I know how much I”d be learning from this experience…. From setting and planning… to recruiting… to hiring staff… properly managing the events and activities as I also attend the guests with top notch service…and to listen to my own conversations throughout the entire time.  I mean… for me this would be awesome.  

But I also am part of this community who isn’t here full time.  I’m here and there but not committed here like many are.  So when I started to talk to people specifically the ladies… they have been much more hesitant to be involved as an entertainer because they aren’t certain how people would treat them after the party… so they were more interested in being a part of the supportive staff… they think it sounds like fun and they’d like to be there… but to be part of the adult entertainment… that was a bit too much to ask for.  The guys I have spoken with seem much more ready to jump all in and participate… I’ve had to emphasize this would be a professional event and that we can have an after party once the guests have been given the time of their lives.  I mean I was writing out a contract for everyone who is involved was going to sign as the RSVP to the event.  I wanted to address consent, privacy, anti-harassment, adult entertainment, release of liability, and property damage liability… it sounds like a lot for an event but I figured if everyone knew these ground rules it would actually allow more freedom to be expressed.  There’s a lot to this… but I’m still feeling like I’m avoiding what I’m really trying to explore right now.  

I also started to get on the political side of the subliminal messages I was trying to also say… this underlying ideologies of the established generation which has been conditioning and setup the ground work to the following generations.  There are some great things that have been established… however honestly there’s a lot of toxicity as well.  I’ll just briefly mention some keywords that pop into mind without going into detail at this time… exhaustive work, no rest, play hard… alcohol(ism)… visitor’s monetary gains is far more important than building a foundation for hopeful locals in the next generation to establish themselves… limiting housing… limited groceries…. A split in political participation… ok that’s good enough for now.  But anyway… I mentioned just a little bit to a woman who is a housemate… she’s only a few years younger than I am but she’s been building her reputation here as well since childhood.  I tried to address this a little and she actually got offended and said she knew people who would be as well.  She said that not everything I was reading was offensive, but there were specific topics that I stated which are a sore spot.  Everyone knows its an issue and the party sounds fun but once you start to mention things that is on people’s mind in a negative way… because they’re not sure how to turn it around… mentioning this is going to turn everyone off from wanting to go and have fun if it seems like it’s going to be another political event.  I thought I had addressed that we aren’t going to be preaching or having any formal discussions… I was trying to present an experience that is unforgettable by the next generation who is going to be taking the ropes… creative brilliance everywhere, but of course because I feel like it’s taken a while to be seen… that I feel the established generation might be a bit blind to the actual creative brilliance here.  I was hoping to see if we could get networking and funding to help support the next generation of hopeful locals… Here most of the homes are Airbnbs… people have lovely homes but are only here in the summers and rent it out to visitors… this town hasn’t allowed corporate food chains to come in and place a shop in town… however corporations are coming in and buying up the land and housing… so it is getting more and more difficult for the people who work at any establishments to find a location to live.  Three are getting to be fewer and fewer locals who stay to rent out their rooms for workers… hotels allow you to stay during the winter affordable.. but once summer comes everyone has to figure out arrangements for five months before they can return.. most will just camp out.  She was wondering who I was warrioring for?  And it got me thinking… yes not everyone here has been in a similar situation… and yes I’ve met many who have… but is this something to address?  I mean… my buddy here is trying to sell his house… once he does, I don’t see myself returning to this town… I mean Iguess once I’ve established myself financially that I could return, but do I really want to come back to support a town that doesn’t really prioritize the working community?  It’s so strange because many of the established generation are super hard workers… but the way they approach their staff… of course not all of them but many are cutthroat.  Ok… I feel like I’m veering off course again.  Hmmm… maybe because I’m not really ready to address what I thought I was going to address this morning.  We’ve got a parade today… so I think I’m just going to go into the hot tub and relax, bathe, and get ready to watch the parade… Let’s see if next time I’m better ready to dive deeper into my sexual healing

[withinUverse]

Ok… I’m ready to explore what I’ve been thinking on my sexual healing at this time.  I’ve been trying to go to sleep but my thoughts kept on going and finally I got up and smoked and wanted to go ahead and write out my feelings.  I can get impulsive at times and I know patience is such a key attribute that I’ve been working on so I’ve been able to work things out a bit more in my mind.  When I knew it’s time for me to address this automatically I thought this was going to be a lesson for the community that I’m involved with at the time, but I don’t think that’s the case anymore.  Who knows where this is leading but after some more thought… this isn’t what I actually want.  I originally thought that if I work on this in a public manner as in being an adult entertainer it will keep me from actually getting too close to anyone.  I know there’s plenty of people here that would like to share that kind of activity with me, but I had to really ask if that’s what I want?  I again have been practicing celibacy for over six years and so when I thought about having these activities back into my life… I got excited… I’m always wanting to learn more in this area… well all areas hehe… but I feel like this has been a huge struggle for me.  I’ve mentioned that many of my ideas aren’t always direct messages… there more like cryptic codes I’m trying to decipher and many times I have to just put it on the back burner and wait until I can address them with more experience to address it from a different angle.  And so I should already be understanding that my first instinct isn’t really the solution off the back… it might be something I’m working towards… but there might be a more appropriate approach that I’m actually ready for.  So if anyone has been reading this Journal I’ve been writing… there’s been a heavy presence of a certain gentleman who has been in my ceremonies… it’s so strong that it’s hard to deny and I’m to the point that I cannot deny it from myself, from him, but to anyone else.  I’ve been in a 13 year relationship but after the separation I had a period of polyamorous… in fact because I started having ceremonies consistently about him… I thought I was going to go back to being monogamous.  But because we do not live in the same country… I mean we barely share the same day we’re on opposite sides of the globe… I’ve chosen the celibacy path.  And holy shit I cannot say how much I’ve appreciated all the benefits I’ve been able to gain by doing so… but just like I’ve been learning with everything… most of the time this is for a period of time… continue the path until something better arises and replaces this.  And I’ll have to continue to remember… that this too has the possibility to pass and so not be attached because if it no longer benefits and something else arises… I’ll be flexible enough to be ok to make those changes.  I think I’m preparing myself for an alternative to celibacy completely.  

Because I was in this phase for six years.. it’s hard to explain how time goes by in my life… but it really does seem like a lifetime ago when I was a lover… in person… flesh and blood… I have been literally trying to avoid any type of intimacy in a sexual manner… I’ve mentioned that I thought not even taking care of my physical appearance would help keep guys away from me and not want to see me as a sexual partner. I know now that isn’t what I want.. I enjoy being attractive and I’m attractive more than my physicality… I just learned to state my boundaries clearly and and also be more upfront of who I am and what I’m trying to create in life… and many times this interests guys but also scares the shit out of them… hehe… so why do I think I’m needing to look at my sexual healing now?  Because I feel like I’m starting from step one on the romance scale again… I’m so nervous to be this way and I really thought that I was just going to wait until finally this certain gentleman and I would reconnect… but it seems like… in my mind… that I need to start practicing again.  What does it feel like to be a romantic partner?  To be honest I don’t know if I’m really ready to have intercourse… just because I’m horny doesn’t mean I want a penis to penetrate my vagina… I’m much more missing touching.  I’ve realized how much I haven’t had that in my life and how much I miss this.  I haven’t been touching much even though it’s platonic but an intimate touch… that hasn‘t been happening… and I’d like to have more of that in my life.  I want to start becoming a lover again.  I’ve been traveling around and meeting amazing men and women wherever I go.. but there seems to be four guys that has this intriguing attraction that makes me uncomfortable… and I just don’t know why I have to make it so difficult.  It’s perfectly fine to be romantically attracted to these men even though they are not that certain man.  Ive gotten so many messages about this certain man, but that’s not excluding other messages that involves men that is not him.  And yes they’ve been on a sexual tone… and in ceremony… I”m all about it but when I get back to my regulated consciousness… I talk myself out of it and remind myself that I want to be monogamous.now… and I continue to get the message that its worth the wait… but I think I’m misinterpreting that message… I don’t think its to completely deprive myself from sexual contact until we return together… which is what I was doing.  I mean… it doesn’t bother me at all thinking and knowing he’s been dating other woman.  I mean… it doesn’t stop me from my desire for him and my curiosities… but I also feel like whatever he has to go through before we return together is exactly what needs to happen.  So why can I not be able to apply that to myself?  Well I guess that blockage has opened up because there are a few amazing men that I’m attracted to.  One does happen to live in this little village in the mountains.  

He’s attractive in many ways… creatively, spiritually, physically, and his curiosity and drive… he hasn’t been a part of this community long but everyone… I mean everyone respects him and looks up to him.  He’s an amazing man!  Secretly when I was making up this event I was waiting for the chance to get to play with him… but also make it seem like it wasn’t going to be a big deal because we’re going to be open to playing with any or all guests… but honestly… he’s the only one I’d really be interested in playing with.  So I guess more honestly is that I would be curious to see how everyone approaches adult entertainment… but again there’s so much more I feel like we can benefit one another far more than sexual entertainment.  There is a kicker though… he’s not single anymore… so that’s a thing… I hear they’re pretty open in their relationship but I really don’t know if that’s true or what that actually means.  I was supposed to meet up with him today to have lunch but it didn’t work out.. which is great because I got more time to think through what’s going on with me… and so we are trying to reschedule it for Friday.  So we’ll see how it goes.  But he’s got a brilliant creative mind… he use to sing and act for Broadway… that’s how he found this little town through the connection to the theater here.  And for some reason he decided to stay.  But we’ve shared ceremonies together and he does so well in them… he’s very powerful and its so satisfying to see such a strength and comfort in a ceremonial setting.  It’s like how I feel when I’m in ceremony.  I didn’t return last summer so I haven’t seen him for a while but he’ went to an Aya retreat while I was gone… around the Spring time… and I’m so damn curious to see how it went for him.  I wonder if he felt like he was home in that setting as well?  I’d love to hear his thoughts and messages.  He’s very communicative which is a huge turn on… and I’d like to tell him more about what’s been going on in my head.  

So this leads me to this path that I’m on… traveling to Hawaii, Japan, Mongolia, possibly Taiwan, Vietnam, and Cambodia, to Nepal, Tanzania, and back to Peru… with who knows where in between… I cannot get my visions out of my head… but as I was thinking this out I had the idea that many of these locations in my head seem to have more of a conservative culture when it comes to spiritually and that maybe it would be best to have a man traveling with me at times instead of being by myself.  I started thinking of these select four gentleman that I have an attraction towards and I thought… why don’t I ask them to come along?  I figured most of them cannot take off two years of their lives to travel all these destinations with me… but maybe they can take off a few weeks to months?  I’m going to need all the help I can get creating a documentary about this initial vision quest I’m on… but I definitely see them coming to the Aya ceremonies I’m going to be hosting when I return and after my dietas.  And they’re definitely on the list of the ones I’d like to select to come and share in the spiritual expedition in the Himalayas.  I’d like to participate in spiritual learning that I’m interested in but I’d also like to see what they’d like to continue their learning based upon the location they come to visit… I know if I expand my learning to their interests it will only benefit me… this isn’t a solo journey.  I have a feeling which hasn’t been confirmed because I haven’t really talked about this to any of them yet… but I have a feeling they have this mutual attraction that I feel for them.  And I’d like it to be professional as in I’d like for them to gain so many benefits out our time together, but I also would like to see if they’d like to be a companion for me too.  I mean… we already enjoy one another’s company… but maybe instead of me having my wall up to keep them out… maybe I can put my wall down for them and just see how much we can enjoy each other’s company.  Geesh my buddy from Sweden who came to the US for the first time… only when he was leaving was I being more affectionate with him and hugging him… it has been such a long time and I just felt so uncomfortable not because he was making me feel that way… it’s because I was making it difficult for myself to enjoy myself.  Why the hell am I doing this?  This does not seem like a healthy behavior to have… and I don’t know the answer to correct this.. but I need to start doing something different than what I’m doing right now because what I”m doing right now is not working properly.  It worked for awhile but blindly sticking to it is not going to continue to work… I already see how it’s not.  

So why do I still feel hesitant about this idea?  The word selfish is ringing in my head.  Am I just being selfish?  Am I really wanting this all for myself?  

No… of course I”m going to gain benefits from sharing this with them… Again it will have to be mutual and consensual but again… there’s more to the story.  We’ll all be learning from this.  I’ve got to admit when I’m about to share ceremony with someone I have a hesitation because I know sexual messages come up and in my head I”m hoping it doesn’t because I don’t know how it will go.  I’ve had to tell many people that I don’t want to share a sexual experience with them… and a few times I’ve kissed a few just because I feel bad and I also know it’s teaching me to better teach anyone I share with.  And it doesn’t mean I have to kiss everyone… I can literally just talk about these things… hehe… but I know sharing ceremony is going to be a big part of my future…and I want to be the healthiest I can be when I share them… and I’m ready to be healthier sexually.  Even though sexually healing is what I”m focusing my discussion tonight about but there’s so much more that’s going to be gained.  Three of the four I feel like I”m ready to address… I know them personally and I’ve spent time building a relationship with them.  The fourth one… not so much… he’s something similar to that certain one I’ve been talking about all the time.  At one point I thought he would be untouchable… so impossible that I’d even be noticed from all he’s dealing with.  But for some reason I still have a shred of hope and almost a confidence that eventually…. We’ll meet and find out why there’s been an attraction forming.  But again I’m patient and the big fish… they take much more time and effort and patience and strategy… hehe… and if it isn’t meant to be, so be it…. But…. If it is, then everything we do will just allow it to happen in its perfect timing.  

I feel much better expressing what I did… there’s small details that I didn’t mention but it’s not necessary to share at this time.  And this is what I needed to get off my chest for now.    Ok then… until next time… good night! 

[withinUverse]

Oh my goodness… who am I kidding… hehe… I’m absolutely smitten with the Australian… I guess I still had residual curiosities about being open to be sexual intimate with others, but it’s even more obvious that it really doesn’t interest me anymore.  I’ve been more aware that the memories of who I was… isn't who I am now.  Regardless of how time works with my romantic relationship… I’m going to trust it’s exactly what is necessary to be in complete bliss in our union.  It’s going to be worth the wait, and I’m patient now… I continue to accept and understand myself more to who I am now.  
 

I started to work on my visions after I stopped working construction.  I found myself drawn to drawing out visions now.  I was drawing with a pad and pencil going through equipment I’d like to have to continue what I’d like to share and express in this journey that is drawing me.  But as I was doing this I started to ask if there is a program on my iPad that I could draw using my finger instead of a stylus… hehe I’m not sure why I didn’t look at this before, but yes indeed there are and I’ve gotten swept away drawing on the pad now.  It came about because in this documentary I’d like to create I was looking at even the clothes I’d like to wear that represents how I integrate and gain more insights… one way is drawing… I had works of art that I thought I’d just place on Tshirts to wear… as I was placing them onto the program… I started to realize I can continue to extend the visions further or with more clarity.  The first design my buddy wanted a shirt as well… so yesterday we spoke to a local who can print it for us.  We ordered some shirts… it will be arriving the day I fly out to Indiana, but he’ll get it printed and mail out my shirt to me.  I’m working on a second design now and possibly if I get this done before he heads out to Mexico… I’ll go ahead and get this printed out too from the same guy here.  
 

I shared a Bufo ceremony with my buddy and it was quite beautiful… he realized just how strong our friendship is… I’m a true friend and it’s was very satisfying him release his emotions and tensions during ceremony.  It was again showing me how my normal state seems to be the case even when I’m in the Bufo state.  I’ve shared several ceremonies with him so I decided to go first instead of last to see if I can demonstrate how to smoke it better than just describing.  I saw that it was easy for me to still assist in him lighting his dose for him and again it was very beautiful.  I love him so much and so excited for him as he realizes that he’s wanting to make changes and explore who he is now.  We talked about how I wish I could tell him what he needs to do, but that’s his responsibility… and he’s finally realizing he’s more confident into figuring it out for himself.  He’s already a confident man… he’s had three successful businesses since he was in his late twenties… and he knows he can figure it out but admits he’s not been as motivated to make changes and that’s just fine… keep at his own pace.  He’s also on the verge of selling his home here in this little mountain town… this winter will determine whether he’ll keep his condo on the shores of Mexico… he feels like many opportunities are beckoning him… and he’s aware that his anxiety levels are minimum.  I know we’ll be working together in future projects.  Maybe he’ll be a part of our “Houston” control center for the awakening spiritual expeditions… maybe who knows for now.  The first thing is to get him ready to join us in Aya ceremonies… since he’s back to drinking, he’s back on his blood pressure medicine which doesn’t mix with ceremony.  So he went two years without the medication went he stopped drinking… he can figure out how to do it again… if he truly wants to.  But if not, I still love him and figure we’ll still find ways to share time together.  
 

last weekend we were celebrating Constitution week in our little village.  A girl friend of mine asked to help her take pictures of the parade.  She gave me her backup camera, a Cannon 60d… and I’m not use to using this type of equipment.  I tried practicing at my buddies 71st birthday party as he was singing in a bar, but wow did I suck at adjusting the settings… and the automatic wasn’t that good either hehe… but the parade was in sunny light and I just told her automatic is where I’ll go and hope for the best.  Having that camera around my neck did something to me… I started looking at the surrounding area much differently… framing shots to be more creative and harmonious composition wise.  It felt like I could be a bit more confident in stepping into locations to “get the shot” that I don’t usually do recording with my iPad… it felt like people posed more for the shot too… not that I really liked posed shots… but with this camera many more we’re open to getting their picture taken.  I loved it and it’s funny because I didn’t have it on my equipment list for my upcoming project… but it does have me questioning whether I should add one or not.  I’m not good at it now, but I know I will get better with practice.  We’ll see how it goes… 

it’s beautiful right now with the leaves changing colors…. The air has a brisk chill in the morning, but the sun still comes through with its warmth in the morning.  My little Elvis is in heaven, but he’s not aware that we’ll be moving along to our next destination.  He’s unlikely to be able to go outside since there are neighborhood cats that have already marked my dads house as their territory.  But it’s been extremely obvious how much happiness he’s living right now as he has his freedom to roam.  He’s such a good cat… comes back when it gets dark… asking to get back out in the mornings when the sun starts to lighten up our little space.  I hope to find him a space he’ll continue to enjoy his freedom… we’ll see how it goes.  There’s an ideal spot for him, but I’m uncertain it’s timing is now or not… so I’m keeping alternative options open of course.  Four days left up here in the mountains… and then back to farmlands of Indiana.  The first weekend will be my cousins wedding in the state park… and thinking about going to a meditative cave exploration the second weekend but it’s not set in stone… looking forward to spending time with family again.  It’s rocky, but I’m still looking forward to it… going in hopeful.

i’ll attach the front photos of my shirt designs I’m working on 😊

[withinUverse]

Alright… so wow… there’s been some clarity in this past week or so that has been deepening my Bhakti yoga understanding… in the manner of my personal interpretation I had listened to some of the scripture in the Gita at the Krishna temple that I heard and had an understanding but now I see myself going through this process personally… there were moments where it was implying that service might require to remove the attachments from family, friends, teachers, any who are not on the current trajectory at this time.  I see where I’m removing cords of attachment and feeling more free and weightless as I continue this purification process.  Again there are many things that I’ve been working on but there seems to be loose ends that still remain and I gain more awareness that these do not need to be there any more.  And even though I see these degrees as of now doesn’t mean that there will be more to be aware of but Reality has patience to allow the time and space for realizations.  

I’ve already been noticing that I feel like I”m saying my goodbyes to a certain degree to people and communities.  I’m not saying that this will be finales forever but I’m also not saying that this isn’t the finale either… but in a state of trusting whatever comes is the way and not having extreme emotional attachments to it.  It’s been challenging for me to determine what I should say aloud in this Journal and what I should keep to myself and write in my personal journal… and I know that I’ll continue to discern but I feel like I’m going to spill out a bit right now because its really helpful to be able to express my craziness without shame… I really don’t care right now what anyone thinks or feels about my interpretations… all I know is how helpful it is for me to go through the process of purging… and I feel this is a great way for me to do this.  So…. What’s happened in the last week that seems to strengthen my trust in Union to the Divine?  

Well the first would be me reaching out to that certain Ozzie mate… I took the brave step to open up my craziness to him and said how I wished we could see one another in person.  The craziness goes even deeper because I said I could imagine asking him to join me at my cousin’s wedding to get a chance to have new beginnings with the electrified energy of new love… I didn’t really invite him but I told him how I would fantasize of the different ways we’d be able to meet again.  There was a lot that I expressed and this isn’t the first time but within seven years of knowing each other… I think this might have been the third or fourth time clearly stating my desire to have the chance to get to know him deeper.  Honestly he’s been wonderful at expressing himself truthfully at his state and he was able to do so this time again… and currently he has no desire to build a romantic relationship with me at this time.  He still thinks my confessions of Awakening is something that is insane and still whole heartedly recommends I go to a therapist to talk about it.  Haha… I understand his concern… most would assume my possible insanity as well… but I don’t have that doubt within me… not that I hadn’t in the past… but not to degrees that I thought I should see a therapist… just to degrees to wonder how in the hell I didn’t realize what I’ve been realizing as I deepen my spirituality and how so many of us are not digging as deep to find this truth out for ourselves.  I”m getting over that too… There’s good reason why most aren’t this way… there’s a “physical” reality that has to be embedded in our psyche to have existence and experiences… which for some reason ultimately the perfection of reality to have us be for now.  Anyway I told him that if we’re still not on the same page then I’ll have to do what I need to do that will be necessary for my growth and move on.  So after his reply I told him I understand and thanked him.  And I unfollowed him so I don’t continue to monitor his posts and stories.  After I returned from the weekend wedding… I noticed he stopped following me as well… so we’ve finally cut this style of cord… and again it doesn’t make me sad… I feel more liberated.  Just like I mentioned before it’s not that I’m saying goodbye to him forever, but I’m also not saying that this might be the finale… it doesn’t matter right now… I just want to move forward with my journey without this attachment and I keep wanting to include him and more in and its been obvious for awhile that many are not on the same page.  It’s kind of funny, because I had a vision that he wasn’t even going to be a part of my journey until I reached Nepal area… not that he was going to be on the way towards Nepal… but that was the funny part that I was ok with this… I thought.. but then I started to hope that it was sooner and so I started to try to make that happen.. .haha… and what I really needed to find out that I’m ready to stop making moves thinking he is right around the corner.  Again… he may or may not, but honestly right now I’m ok with whatever happens.  This doesn’t mean that I stopped having feelings for him, I can just feel like the attachment of having him now and a part of my journey is not necessary.  And regardless of what happens… I want to enjoy it to the fullest and look forward to how things play out without having to expend energy of what would be appropriate to his liking.  I also mentioned to him that if our crosses path in the future… my attention won’t be so easily given.  And that’s exactly how I feel right now.  I don’t want to continue to have a seed of desperation to have particular people in my life.  

This leads me to two of my siblings…. My brother and sister have been also on the same boat of trying to win over my acceptance to be who I am and to love me for that for itself sake.  We all attended this weekend wedding for our cousin and as much as I would have liked to spend time with them… it was obvious that my presence with them was not desired so I kept my distance and did this to make sure that everyone continued to enjoy themselves.  It’s a bit comical to observe how our family behaves… haha… from different generations and degrees there is separation going on.  My aunt and uncle were talking about some trivial family drama and asked my opinion and I said that I just am not that bored to fuel drama.  I’m not here all the time and I just want to enjoy the time I spend with the people I”m around.  I don’t really wish to talk about people who aren’t around to engage in the conversation.  And I don’t know details of the story so my opinion won’t be accurate anyway.  As much as I love my family… I can see again that most are not on the same page.  But many aren’t as influential as the acceptance of my sister and especially my brother.  But then again… it was more apparent in my awareness that I”m tired and have no desire to have a hint of desperation for affection or acceptance or attention for who doesn’t want to offer it to me freely.  And I find there are many that are… and I’d like to reciprocate that energy.  Oh!  I did hear back from National Geographic… I received an email to say unfortunately they did not want to back up the proposal that I submitted.  And as much as it would be great to work with them… I also know that there was a part of me that wanted it to just get a step toward respect from my family.  And why am I still wanting that from them?  Well… I did want this but right now in my state… I’m just over it… hehe… it can be quite exhausting and how much energy do I have to give to these walls… 

[withinUverse]

So as I was typing last night in this Journal the entry went ahead and submitted itself but I wasn’t quite done but it was getting late so I just went with it without editing… but I’m going to go ahead and continue my line of thoughts at this time.  Let’s see… let’s go ahead and address National Geographic proposal for a little bit.  I’m glad that I took the time and energy to apply and to try to break down the equipment list… it has gotten me to think about areas that I hadn’t before and open my mind to opportunities that are out there that I had not thought to approach.  I admit that my proposal wasn’t as thought out or as clear as a submission would have been preferred.. but that’s the thing I continued to gain clarity as I continued the exploration of what would be involved in this style of endeavor.  I really cannot remember how much I have spoken about the proposal but again I’ve been going back and forth as to what to share and what not to share and I”m still thinking about it so I’ll go ahead and share again if I kept it back these past six months.  It was a storytelling grant… they have few different categories and as much as I’d like to have applied to the research proposal… my style of research isn’t something that has been really refined.  I am trying to propose an Enlightenment research that isn’t clinical.  As I’m writing this I feel like I might have mentioned this but we’ll repeat if we have to.  But I had been looking into what kind of research has been done in this area, and there isn’t much to find.  There was one paper which kind of narrowed down my thoughts about enlightenment research… that there really isn’t any existing research on to why ones pursue Enlightenment… primarily only focused on a small group of Buddhist monks as to where they would collect their data.  In doing so they found it challenging because most of their information was based off of reports of personal stories about their experiences to enlightening and some to Enlightenment… and then the peers with their own experiences would determine whether the personal stories were valid proof or not to actually having these degrees or not.  Which I can see how the scientific mind doesn’t know exactly how to quantify the results.  This paper was saying they would like to continue to find a system to research this subject but understands that the personal stories will have to be an integral part of it.  So… this is what I’d like to explore.  It’s part experiment and part research but mostly opening up a way to view Enlightenment in a manner that isn’t idealized.  I definitely had an idealistic view of what Enlightenment was and now I see it far more mysterious than before.. however, it’s far more normalized as well now… lol. I’m getting more comfortable and more grounded and getting the hang of it.  There is far more that I don’t understand than what I am understanding while life is playing out but I’m also gaining much more clarity and understanding after contemplating groupings of time.  All I know is that the current state of consciousness is only capable of understanding certain degrees of understanding… but when we’re on the consistent path of deepening the understanding than our capacity is stretched and open to continue the path with increased awareness so it doesn’t take as long to make adjustments.  

So there is so much that my current state of consciousness that is curious to explore.  I have an understanding that what I think is possible may not be the same as what reality will unfold… however, I just want to continue on the path and continue to increase my awareness and see how this all progresses.  So again here comes some more crazy but again I don’t really give any fucks to what people judge about this… possibly we’re not making bold moves because we care too much of what others think and so I’m looking to just be as trusting that regardless I’m going to be gaining from my experiences and will be able to admit when I was in states of delusion but just because there is a capacity to be delusional won’t stop me from exploring what my mind has to go through and process.  So I have a deep calling and draw to travel and it seems like there are certain areas I’ll be going.  Along the way I’ve been getting the visions of people I’ll be meeting.  Obviously I’ll be meeting people but these are specific people and for some reason I feel like these ones are ones who have been able to transition over to Enlightenment.  When I saw them it wasn’t apparent at first but eventually it seemed like they were acknowledging that they have recognized me as well.  So I’m curious if this is accurate or a delusion, but again how would i know unless I continue the path and see where it leads.  I know I had written the details of what I had seen in these visions… there were I cannot remember the exact numbers but around 10 beings that I had seen… we would label them as women and men of all ages… I think the youngest would be around the age of five and the oldest could have been in there late sixties to seventies… the color of their skin varied and the situations that I saw them were diverse as well.  Because of this… I feel like I’ll be attracting them as they will be attracting me too.  I don’t know if I’ll start to recognize the meetings before they happen… I have a feeling it won’t be until I see them in the setting of my visions to have it click like… holy shit.. this is the deja vu moment that I saw before it happened.  And who knows maybe none of them will be experienced but again I know that not doing anything isn’t going to stop this force pulling me to explore.  And it quite possibly be that my state of consciousness just wants to explore and the desire to find these people are just what I need to get out and enjoy the greater part of this world we can have an opportunity to explore.  And I already know getting myself out of my comfort zone exploring is going to do a wealth of growth opportunities so there’s nothing that will be lost by going forward any way.  But I am thinking about integration before I return to ceremonies.  

I know that I have been finding my Icaros when I’m in ceremony.  And normally I seem to make progress inside ceremonies with it, but I also have an inkling that if I continue to build confidence in musicality would only amplify my growth into developing my Icaros inside of ceremony.  I’ve known that I’ve been wanting to develop this but it seemed like it just wasn’t falling into place as easily as I’d like.. but I feel more confident to just jump into situations and put my voice out there.  I can do better, and I know I will continue to get better at this… but this is what I’d like to include in my travels.  First adding more singing onto the to do lists as I travel.  And with good reason I want to pick up more instruments and start to accompany musicians.  I’d love to find places where I can build instruments as well… so of course I assume this would be more indigenous instruments that are being handmade.. but I’m definitely open for any opportunity.  There are so many instruments that I don’t even know exist and I’m excited to see what I can find.  And certainly this isn’t on a timeline so even if more of this starts to get included will be satisfying… but again this gives a little more direction when going into a new country or area to look for these types of opportunities.   I love different types of artwork as well… even when it comes to fashion, crafts, construction, cooking, dancing… there is a plethora of creative activities to draw my attention again to help steer direction of focus and attention.  And Natural settings and wildlife would be another draw as well… I’m not certain there isn’t a terrain I wouldn’t be down to explore… or opportunities to volunteer caring for animals… especially for temporary periods of time.  And opening myself up to far more social opportunities that I haven’t been doing so much these past few years… but traveling in unknown places… opening up to locals will bring me to people and places that would be a bit more challenging to find by myself.  I just have to remember how much privacy or solo time is required for my wellbeing too.  So there is a specific destination that came out in a dream of mine that I cannot forget.  

Nepal… When I get to Nepal I’d like to be open to spend as much time as I can with my visa.  I’ve looked into the reciprocal visitors visa which can allow up to six months each year for the next five years which might be the option I’ll opt for.  This again is not definite that this is the exact location to be honest… in my dream it was what I said but then I did ask if that’s correct and there was not a definite answer.  But I have a feeling it’s around this area so possibly Tibet, Bhutan, India… around the Himalayas I think now… but again I’d like to go and explore and see.  So I started to get visions of land and when I first got this style of vision… it showed me pieces of the land that I had my dieta for three months.  I had been there and walked around and paid enough attention that when I got a vision in my ceremony that it wasn’t just a bunch of trees that looked just like one another… it stood out to me and knew exactly where that tree cluster was… the exact area it was on the property… so again because I got a taste of that and the name Nepal… I’d like to include this in my integration process before I return to the jungle… I’d like to explore the area just in case if I continue to get messages about this land that I’ll have data to have ceremony communicate to me specifically.  Ha, normally I’d just be returning to Aya ceremonies before Awakening… but since this happened messages changed the way it communicated and because it knows how much I take integration seriously… is that there is no desire for me to return without this data.  Yes I’ll get more information and wisdom, but I feel like I’d cut myself short of the potential of what I’d receive by being better prepared and patient.  

And I didn’t address why I’m trying to build skills as a shaman for ceremony.  Many might not understand that each shaman or person has their own skills and focus.  I’ve worked with a few shamans and they all were different but I now have a better understanding that my focus is Awakening and how to build after the Awakening.  Some may focus on say healing and I guess it can be perceived this way but I haven’t had to do much healing for my own body so I don’t see how I can help any who has these desires.  But I can say… my shaman I was working with helped me get to the point of Awakening during ceremony.  Now it wasn’t successful because I misinterpreted and didn’t understand what was happening… but it was still very apparent he was able to get me there.  And I have a feeling that if he can do this… and I was able to figure out how to get myself there in around four ceremonies later… I might just have a skill to be able to do this with others who are wanting to consciously create their experience to this too.  So again by witnessing how I work inside ceremony these are areas I can work on outside of ceremony as well.  And I’ve already have a list of guests that I’d like to invite to ceremonies when I return to the jungle.  I feel like I haven’t even began with this list either… as I continue on this path… more will be added.  And I also understand that even though I have this long list only a fraction will actually make it there and be present to share ceremony which will be a significant step to feel more of where people are at.  So getting them to ceremony will only be a step… observing their energies during ceremonies will be another step.  I at this time feel like I’m going to be creating these spiritual walkabouts or vision quests to focus on Enlightenment.  I have a feeling this won’t be taking place only in the jungle but taking Aya to the mountains as well.  Again all of this is through exploring the messages I’ve received and it could definitely change as it goes along but again it doesn’t matter what Reality might show… I have to go with what I’m drawn to at this time to get me going into the direction to increase my awareness.  

Because I have a feeling there is going to be spiritual expeditions this also leads me to explore land, animals, and skills that I feel would help assist in future expeditions.  Just as an example I have been having visions of horses and I’m still not certain what it really means but I seem to be running into a line of thinking that I’d like to take animals such as horses with us in the expeditions.  During the expeditions I can see us staying out there for months at a time and so there will be base camp setups as we travel and we can stay at locations for possibly weeks before receiving messages to go to the next location.  And so I had some time with llama packers and I loved the fact that they are pretty self sufficient.  We wouldn’t have to carry extra food for them… they are capable of finding their own food in the mountains.  And when I hear about the horses around the States… all I hear is how expensive it is to feed these horses… do I really want to have to pack so much food for them?  I will if that’s what needs to be done, but I have a feeling there are horses that are just as self sufficient as the llamas.  That’s why I’m wanting to go to Mongolia.  In my mind and to some research and talking to people who have already visited… there’s still a bit of nomadic blood there and they travel with generations of family members, sheep, yaks, and horses… along with their belongings.  Logically I feel this would be a great location to go and visit and see how this works for them.  I have a feeling these horses don’t need to have loads and loads of food that needs to be taken from one location to the next… they find their food and that food can sustain them.  Also when it comes to llamas to horses… horses have the capabilities to hold humans while llamas would only be for supplies.  I love animals and I’d love to learn more about them and at this time including them as part of the expeditions would be ideal.  And yes I’ve been seeing different healers using horses to assist in the healing and so of course this draws my attention as well.  I ran into a woman and her husband who heard about shamans in Mongolia used horses to heal a young boy of autism in around five to six weeks… it was quite remarkable but believable… but I’d like to see what the capacities for myself.  When it comes to them being able to break down their homes and transport it to the next location I’d like to see their construction as well.  

So needless to say… there was a lot of moving parts to my proposal…. Because I know that what I’m seeing will come into fruition in the future starts now.  It’s not a check list one by one… I’m working on all of it at the same time. And so I know i”ve already been starting to discuss these global communities bridges opening up borders with a possible nonprofit organization… this also is something that is in the back of my mind… and the more locations I can go… the sooner I can start to build relationships and add to the list of potential communities that can open doors for people to come and share their skills and themselves to benefit communities.  When it came to this specific proposal, they said I wouldn’t be able to submit the same proposal again.  And so this puts a better perspective of how far I’ll have to progress on this path before I can reapply.  And I also have a better idea of what I’d like to get better at and gain more experience in before I submit again.  I keep saying that the real proposal that I’d like to have assistance from National Geographic is during the spiritual expeditions.  This was not part of the proposal that I submitted so this would be a key spot to get myself better prepared and gain more experience to demonstrate competence before that time arises.  I also hope to already get support from different avenues to where there partnership would be an added bonus but it wouldn’t make or break anything… just like now… hehe… but in a different degree.  

Alright.. I’ve been able to give a bit more clarity without going overboard I feel… and currently I’ve been in Indiana for a week now… I’ve gotten a hold of a gentleman whom I’ve been watching for the past five years… I’ve been impressed as to how he’s been building his community and his interests he shares with us through FB.  He’s going to be at his community this weekend leading meditative caving trips which I’m going to go check out.  I feel like I mentioned that I had a snippet of a vision in ceremony where having ceremony inside a cave will be extremely powerful.  I’ve also had friends who enjoy spelunking and how there is an experience of sensory deprivation which intrigues me.  Activities like this would be included in the spiritual expeditions and yes most likely adding elements of Aya ceremonies to see how this effects our group… hopefully in a powerful and beneficial manner but finding ones who are willing to give it a go instead of allowing the mind to talk us out of it.  But I don’t know how long I’ll be in Indiana… my brother in Hawaii and I have already been talking.  He is currently in the hospital because of shooting pains in his heart and last year he admitted himself for the first time but not a whole lot of change has happened other then they have moved to a single floor location.  His habits haven’t changed for him to help his obesity.  He said he’s over 600 pounds right now and he didn’t imagine that he’d let it go this far, but now that he has… he sees how much he manipulates mom and sis to get what his “fat guy” inside wants.  He’s asking if I come to visit and want to help that I can’t allow him to guilt me… I told him that if he’s not really ready to change; it doesn’t matter what I do to help… it won’t be sustainable… he said he wants to try.  There’s a lot of baggage that comes with me returning to Hawaii and we have been talking about it for the past two days.  I agreed that I’ll be coming but I’m not certain when it will be or how long I’ll be staying with them.  But again I feel like I’ve been getting better a purifying my energy and residual holdups… and I feel there is a lot to work on with my mom and so i’m wanting to go and address this… not really knowing how these understandings will reveal itself.  But for now… there are people here in Indiana that I’d like to go visit and see where they’re at and see how open they are to meeting back again in Peru for ceremony.  It might not even get that far in conversation based upon what is being observed… but there are a few I’ve been watching and thinking about so I’d like to spend time with them while I’m here.  

Oh goodness… my buddy Elvis is always in the back of my mind as well.  When I thought I’d have a timeline with National Geographic… I was willing to keep him behind with say my dad while I traveled… but now that I have freedom to spend as much time as I’d like then that gets me to look at my buddy again.  Could I just take him with me?  If we’ll be staying at locations saying an average of three months at a time… I don’t want to leave him behind for years… months felt doable, but years… I’m not certain I’m willing to do that to him or myself.  He’s been here a week and I feel like he’s been trying to find a way to get outside… he really loved his freedom in Colorado… we’ve got neighborhood cats that run this block and I saw how they treated him last time… and so I’m hesitant to give it a go again… but we’ll see how it plays out.  Cats aren’t allowed at my buddies retreat center for the caving… so Elvis and my pops will be alone together for a few days… and I’d like to hear how that goes.  We were gone for three nights for the wedding and he was crying for awhile when I returned because he was so lonely… it does break my heart to have him feel like I abandoned him or something.  I know this is another attachment that I’m working with… but he’s still a fur baby of mine and so I’m not sure what the best way to proceed will be.  I’m staying open… or trying to at least.. hehe.. ok… this seems like a good amount of processing for tonight…. Until next time… 

[withinUverse]

Good morning… alright things seem to be lining up and it’s getting me excited… which seems to be a regular thing for me… but I need to get some thoughts out and see if I can clarify my thoughts a bit more…so I thought it’s time to Journal again.  But where to begin?  Hmmm…. Well I’ve been having some amazing experiences since I’ve returned back to my home state of Indiana.  Last time I wrote was after my cousin’s wedding and the following weekend I went to my buddy’s hostel for the inaugural caving invent.  I had such a fun time.  

So I knew I was going to enjoy myself… I wanted to talk to the founder, my buddy whom I’ve been watching for the past six years.  He’s been very impressive when seeing what he’s building in his community and his creativity… so he’s been standing out and his two events on caving and intentional communities were on my radar before arriving to Indiana.  The last time I was there was six years ago but it was impressionable on my subconscious… I’m not sure if I said how I met him but to my memory we met through a mutual friend who is a shaman from Mexico who specializes in sound healing with his sound bowls.  I feel like we were talking as we were there and as he was talking about his hostel we left our friend’s place to go visit his community that next day.  Not only did I enjoy his property, but the community he was attracting was very impressive.  So I knew I was excited to see whom I would meet at this event.  Again another Mecca of amazing and creative minds draw here… and needless to say my expectations for conversations were far more than I could’ve imagined.  But the caving experience itself was also far more than I could’ve imagined.  Caving has been something I’ve been wanting to explore.  I feel like this setting would be amazing for meditation and hopefully ceremony in the future.  But I wanted to see how it went.  I was oddly extremely comfortable in this space.  I felt like a child playing in the subterranean world of the unknown… and I felt like I could do much much more of this.  So the setup was to choose from beginner, intermediate, advanced, or meditative.  Originally I thought my friend was leading the meditative trip so I signed up for this…. But also I thought I wanted to be more intentional on the first adventure before I would be more explorative on the second day.  Of course it’s hard to not have a little expectation on what a meditative trip in the caving world would be… but I tried my best to just keep it open since meditation is subjective.  There were only four guests that had chosen this style and I think it was assumed that the ones who chose this were beginners who were a bit hesitant or even scared to be inside caves.  I guess in a way that makes sense, but of course that wasn’t the case for myself.  I guess it’s easier to explain that when I go hiking… I don’t normally enjoy going with people whom just want to get to a destination and back.  I’m much more wanting to enjoy and immerse myself into the environment and take my time to allow the environment to speak to me and feel my way through.  So that’s how I wanted to approach the caving situation as well.  I also brought my flute and drum with me… so I thought it would be nice to bring with me for the meditation.  I had mentioned this to the group leader and it was interesting to see how seemingly uncomfortable she was to have me to my belongings with me.  I could see it in her face but she didn’t address it right away.  It wasn’t until we were at the location in the parking lot that she said she was thinking and asked her management about it… and it’s recommended to not bring it.  They also recommended to not bring any phones or things to record because of safety and obviously they didn’t want anything to happen to our property.  But the thing is… it is our property and I’d definitely take responsibility if any damages came to them without blaming them for my choices.  I briefly asked her of what I had heard about the trips.  I had heard our trip was going to be shorter than any other trip.  And everyone car pooled so we were going to have to wait for the other groups to return before we would be able to leave.  So I asked if I took full responsibility for my belongings… I wanted to have the opportunity to play my instruments in a meditative way once our trip was done and we have to wait for others to return.  I told her that I don’t ’want to disturb anyone with my music, but there should be a way I can do this alone for myself.  And she said that was up to me, but she doesn’t recommend it.  It didn’t take much thought for me… I was taking it… I knew it was going to be extremely easy trek for the meditative trip and I was confident I wouldn’t have any issues with my iPad or my instruments…. So they came with me.  

To begin our trip we sat in a circle outside of the entry to the cave to relax and regain focus and connection.  We were asked to explain why we had chosen the meditative trip instead of another.  I was explaining a little bit of my background as an Enlightenment shaman, intentional spaces of exploration before trying to get to a destination, but also this was a weekend of caving so why not start with a meditative trip and then step it up a notch for the following day.  I listened to the other three guests and one had stood out to me was a guy who was with his friend who emphasized that spirituality comes first in his life and that triggered me to want to find a chance to see what he means by this…. And it was easy to discuss because they were curious about my background… so we all had great conversations throughout our time inside and out of the cave, especially when we were waiting for the other groups for an hour.  

So we were walking to the entrance using the restroom before we entered… I heard a few times from different staff that some basic rules of caving is to not go number two inside and also try your best not to touch anything as much as possible so our oils don’t deconstruct that natural formations that’s been creating themselves for centuries.  That all made complete sense… this was the first time I had a helmet and light to go exploring inside a cave.  And I knew how important a helmet would be for me because I know I’d get pretty excited in there so bumping my head would definitely be expected… hehe

 

 

 

Ok… a little unexpected interruption to the train of thought… I am trying to arrange this weekend with my friend and he and I had a great conversation that I’d like to write about real quick.  But… I actually have to call my girl friend to discuss… so I’ll be right back.  

 

alright… I’m back… so where to go… so I saw a post from my friend who founded the hostel who is hosting his first intentional community event at his property.  He mentioned that if anyone is interested in joining to contact him.  It was late… so I waited til this morning to remind him that I’m very interested in attending, but I also was wanting to take a friend with me and also hoping to arrange a time for us to talk one on one for a possibility to partner up for his next season.  So originally he was open for us to join and said that he would like to send some information for my friend to get more details of what a work trade program would be like for his community and asked for her email.  So I got her email and sent it over to him.  After awhile he ended up sending me another message to the roundabouts of he’s not sure how I’ll respond to his inquiry but how well do I know this friend of mine?  Is it an enthusiastic yes I know them and would be able to be confident in their participation or am I kind of a crossing my fingers that it goes well.   I was chuckling at this message… because it was very intentional and insightful… and pretty much something I’ve been working through as well.  So I responded to him by saying that both applies… hehe… Yes I enthusiastically know and adore my friend I’ve known since sixth grade… she’s super sweet and inquisitive and would add value IF she’s comfortable… so I do have my fingers crossed as well because I wasn’t sure if this was the event to take her to meet my friend and visit the community.  In fact I had given her an assignment to see if she was really ready to go to this event or not.  I asked her if she could think about what intentional community means to her, and if she was wanting to be a part of one… what would her expectations be to be or how would she think it would be like.  I didn’t really give her much more information than this to see how she interpreted the questions… in fact the first thing she said is she’s like to talk to me about it first… and I said I’d like for her to see where her thoughts go before we discuss.  We plan on making cream puffs together this week  and we’ll discuss it then… giving her a few days to think about it.  And I told him about it… I too was uncertain that this event was going to be the correct time to bring her and since I’m so close to her and want to introduce her to experience the hostel and my friend its hard not to want to invite her to everything.  I would have loved to have her go with me to the caving event there but she’s currently struggling with an ailment with her leg and has to where a brace when she walks long distance and recently got a cane which seems to be embarrassing for her.  We’re trying to convince her mind that this doesn’t have to stop her from having a fulfilling life.  She’s strong and she’s been able to overcome obstacles specifically her addiction to drugs that is very impressive.  But since she has come to the other side… she hasn’t found how to be the new person she’s become.  She’s trying to figure that out but doesn’t have much direction to find that out.  So socially she’s getting challenged for years now.  She continues to live in our small town from childhood and so there are the same people that have helped in her addiction and she’s removed most out of her life.  But a few still linger around whom respect her changes… but also doesn’t want her to change to an extent that makes them comfortable.  Needless to say… I’m trying to motivate her to meet new people.  With her circumstances with her drug addiction it has put some challenges in her path that is now what she’s trying to overcome.  At the time she was engaging in drugs this led her to having seizures.  I was there when she had her first seizure and I remember how everyone reacted when it went down.  We were at her current boyfriend’s house and he had roommates… and we were there having a good time partying… and we flipped on the lights to a room we were entering and all of a sudden she went collapsing down and shaking.  I have a cousin who has seizures and the first thought was to call the hospital and make sure she’s not biting or trying to swallow her tongue.  So yes I was asking everyone there to call 911 and get the ambulance there while I was trying to get a spoon to place into her mouth.  And the response from the people there was they were too afraid of getting into any trouble because they’re partying with underage people and if the police comes they thought they would go to jail or get into trouble.  I remember being so upset that no one was willing to call  911… I mean that was the time that we used home phones… I didn’t have a cell phone and all I know is that I need to get her help and I need to get it as soon as possible.  It’s not my house and they don’t want the ambulance at their house.  I said well I’m going to take her to the emergency room then.  And there was only one other person who was there that was willing to help… and no it wasn’t her boyfriend.  It was our classmate friend and he helped me pick her up, put her into the car, and got her into the emergency room to help.  Fast forward… because her drug use continued and amplified I had to make a decision to not have as much contact in fact we went several years not talking.  I believe I might’ve discussed this last year when I was starting this Journal… but I reached out a few years back and saw a difference.  I told her that she’s not stoned or wasted right now.. and that’s when she told me she’s been sober from drugs for about two years now.  And that’s when our relationship continued.  To bring it back to the thoughts I was talking about… .because of her seizures they continued and got worse.  When we were not in communication she was working somewhere where her seizures were often enough that the company she was working for recommended she goes onto disability.  And without knowing the consequences or options… she went through with it.  And I admit at this time… I would say she was definitely at a state that would be considered fully disabled to function a normal life at that time.  But now that she’s off of her abdications…. Being on the fully disabled list doesn’t apply.  With this on her record… she’s unable to work unless it’s getting paid under the table, she’s unable to drive, she’s unable to even have her own bank account… so even though she wants to move forward with her life…she doesn’t even know where to begin to get out of this hole.  I continue to encourage her that there are options to find out there… and steps to take… but I’m not the one to take these steps… she’s going to want to do it for herself… and she’s at the point of wanting to but again the actions steps aren’t known and so it’s prolonging the progression… but of course this is the period of time that is getting her to be ready… there’s progression but it’s not obvious because it’s not manifesting physically but mentally it’s progressing forward… and again when I’m around I’m looking for opportunities to help her… in some way I can give her a bit more confidence and I’m not afraid of making steps or mistakes.. so I suggest things that might help her out in many avenues in her life.  But we will focus on is this specific event.  So I was telling my friend that she has situational confidence and this will be perceived as something that is going to be out of her comfort zone by going to a new place… meeting new people… nervous about being socially awkward…. Nervous she’s going to be a burden because she’s having issues with her leg… and the fact she’s not even aware of intentional communities… that I’m not sure that this would be the right time… but I told him that in the next few days I’ll get a better idea if she would be an asset or not.  I also had to admit to him that I’m not sure of what her degree of neediness would be while we’re there.  When we’re out of our comfort zone, we tend to be a bit more needy to the ones you know and trust… so I’m afraid that I wouldn’t be as fully engaged in conversation because I’ll be concerned of her comfort ability.  If she gets there and relaxes and enjoys herself… she won’t be needy, but if that’s not the case… then neediness will be there and since I adore her… and introducing her to this new situation I’d feel responsible to help her through that.  Just to mention… I did not say all of this to my friend… but in a shorter version… but definitely not as concise as one would normally… that’s not my communication at this time.  

But his response was a relief… in fact this entire conversation was very intuitive and I love that!  he said that if it’s not an absolute yes at this time… why don’t we arrange a different time for us to visit together… is that good for me?  And admittedly… it was a relief and thankful for his communication and curiosity to our situation… he said that this is a different event… most of what he hosts are fun and social but this Intention Convention is another animal… it’s more intense and professional and serious.. the group that’s going to be there are fun and social people… but when we find people who shares in the same passions… we can geek out on it… and we want participants to all want to geek out on it… he assumes it’s going to be a bit chaotic and if he removes any wildcard variables it would make much more sense… and honestly I’m grateful that my friend is letting me join too because I don’t own or manage an intentional community but I’m looking to connect a network of intentional communities globally.  I’ve been able to gather information from my observations from the communities I’ve been involved with and I feel like I’d have insights to contribute to the conversation.  Most recently at the ashram temple in Utah… they wanted me to manage their community but by doing this there were implications that I’d have to be something I am not and have a thumb on top of me not allowing the freedom and creativity that is the main asset I bring to situations.  In fact one of the reasons I’d like to address here during this Journal entry.. but there’s other moving parts I’d like to address as well while I’m here today.  I responded simply that we will arrange another time that we can come and visit together… I’ll be there and super excited… and that is quite an understatement… hehe… this is a huge part of my purpose and I’m looking forward to meeting other passionate people in intentional communities… I had confessed to my friend and his staff during a staff discussion where I briefly mentioned that some may see easily that I”m a community minded individual, but what they don’t see easily.. is that I’m a global communities minded… I didn’t get into much detail because of brevity but I hope to discuss with him when we get time to share with one another.  

 

 

 

Hehe… a little interruption… I was hanging out with another girl friend this weekend and she’s been curious about cyber security specifically with ICAC and I have two contacts that I met with connections to different types of cyber security and I reached out to one and waiting for the next one… but he’s monitoring voter fraud in Colorado elections… so yes he’s swamped… but I’m going to get to this weekend which was very insightful and fully of clarity especially after talking to this friend in particular… 

 

 

hehe… many moving parts in my head right now… and I’m trying to figure out how to write it all out in a not so chaotic manner… but I guess that’s not what’s going to happen right now… but I want to just say… the caving event went extremely well.  I know I’m going to dive deeper into meditation  and ceremony in caving situations… It was fun to go in a group setting but I also had the desire to find a way to go by myself… the way I approach space and my intention doesn’t have to be compromised when I’m solo.  My friend who is the founder actually drew out a cave that he recommends going to if we want to go alone… it’s one of his meditation areas… and after going I can see why.  He shared this with a few of us… one girl went the day before I did and she ended up in a field and a bit lost… so I was wondering how the directions would be for me too.  But honestly she didn’t even take a picture of the map he drew out… she said she would remember it… and we chuckled knowing that wouldn’t help find the cave entrance… but the map worked well… I found myself taking notes and videos as I was following the map becuase I absolutely love map making.. and I can already see a map I can draw to make it easier for people to find.  But sometimes that’s part of it… it’s not supposed to be that easy for everyone… it takes courage and effort to get the results.. but I had an amazing time going alone and exploring this area.  I didn’t have much time… I spent a few hours but I was heading back home which is three hours away and I needed to stop at my cousin’s house too while I headed back home.  She accidentally broke our grandmother’s pearl necklace and I fixed it for her and needed to drop it off.  But there was a beautiful green pond that looked inviting but I didn’t take a dip at this time… but as i like orienteering it was fun to not know what I’m looking for and just follow the map.  I thought it was fairly easy to follow… except there was something that I questioned… there were marking to cave entrances and I know he probably said things specifically to the one we enter but I couldn’t recall and when I looked at the map I was questioning whether the third entrance was it?  Or did I have to go around and find another entrance on the other side?  So the third entrance looked like what he described by going down at a 45 degree angle to enter and leads to the underground river…. Which is what it was… but again if I just looked at the map I questioned and so I took a look around to make sure I’m not missing another entry point… after looking for awhile I decided that the third entrance has to be it… and it was!  I didn’t have a helmet with me this time… just a head lamp.  I had to climb down rocks before I found the cavern dome where the beginning of the river was seen.  I sat down and I could hear the rushing water in the distant tunnel ahead… it was calling to me… begging me to explore… I didn’t know at this time whether I was going to go or not… in fact I thought I was going to but I sat first… I especially enjoy lights out in a cave and so I wanted to do this here.  When I first heard of a friend who enjoyed caving he described moments of sensory deprivation… I feel like I have a memory where he was wedged into a crack and it seemed liked he was suspended in space, but I also feel like if I was submerged into water with lights out could really get the feeling of sensory deprivation.  I had mentioned this during our initial meditative introduction of why I chose this… sensory deprivation opportunities to see what can be observed or possibly awakened… excites me!  I’ve had messages about ceremonies in caves… so this weekend was my next steps into exploring this.  

But I chose to lay in silence and pitch blackness on some rocks next to the river… I love it!  In the silence except for the music coming from the running water what I could assume is rushing down the rocks dropping in elevation… I found that I decided this would not be the time to explore… I don’t have a helmet and I definitely will need a helmet… hehe… also I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get wet at this time either… this was like my last pair of clean clothes and I need to drive still so I was just going to spend time here in the cave at the entrance of the unknown… ok with it being the unknown until I return.  So I was curious to see what I would see in the darkness.  At few interesting things happened the days ahead when I was in the caves with the groups… the meditative group trip we went to a place to do our guided meditation… again it’s always interesting to experience everyone’s take on what they think meditation is and how to approach it.  So our guide decided she was to guid us in a meditation… which seemed that there was a projection that we might have stresses in our life that we are trying to be ok with and at this time if we notice any troublesome thoughts to notice it but also be open to have it dissolve… which again is all well intentioned and helpful but specifically if we are all in this state… which I was not.  I love meditation in silence for me to be able to observe myself internally I usually do not opt for guided meditation… for me that’s more like visualization practices at least the whole thing about a person talking the entire time and asking you questions and just talking…which again isn’t as helpful for me to get into a deep internal state of connection with the All that we find ourselves in…. But I witnessed my response to the talking… I saw that I wasn’t as irritable as I might’ve been in the past being opinionated that meditative practices in my experience is best in silence but this wasn’t my guided tour… this was hers and so I respect that and she did a great job… but I did attempt to mute her out… and connect to the surroundings and see what I could discover for myself.  So I took off my helmet and everyone had their lights off and I laid on the dirt with direct contact with the earth.  It was cool but I didn’t get cold… I was warned to take extra layers of clothes because once you stop in a cave most people get cold… I’m glad that I didn’t need this at the time… and I just relaxed into the moment and connected… it was funny to me that even though I was in complete darkness I decided to close my eyes still.. maybe it’s just a habit I’ve learned… but this is what I found myself doing and I allowed it and waited and watched… shortly after I started to see a very faint light almost as if it was a flashlight that was running out of batteries… this light seemed to cross the ceiling of the cave very very slowly and it continued to the point I started to think and question… did someone turn their flashlight on?  And so I opened up my eyes and saw that no one had.. and so I went to closing my eyes and observing… It continued… this slow roaming dim light as if looking at the details of the rock texture of the ceiling.  The details couldn’t be seen but that seemed to be what I was trying to do.  I wasn’t able to continue doing this because the guided meditation was over and I think people were getting cold… but I remember the guide saying to take as much time to become aware of the present moment and to move slowly from our positions until we’re ready to turn on the lights and continue the trip.  I definitely took my time… hehe… but also aware that I”m not alone and to respect the other parties involved… but again a longing to just be slower in my experience was desired… again hinting at wanting to be there alone without having to go with the crowd.  On the second cave adventure which our guide classified as an intermediate to beginner trip there was another opportunity for lights out.  I didn’t bring it up but of course I was excited about it.  And it was funny this time because I assumed when it’s lights out that also meant to imply no talking… this wasn’t a meditative trip so there wasn’t going to be a guided meditation so I was hoping for silence in the darkness…and for a few brief moments there was no talking… again easy to here any water echoing off the cave walls and as if water is plunging on top of itself falling from rocks that are higher then the stream the water fell onto…and awwww…. It was very pleasant… but again I understand these moments I wait to be in but most will feel impatient or uncomfortable… so two people started talking… they started talking about the tales of cave monsters that people tell… again I observed my response to their conversation not really caring what they were talking about… just the fact theirs conversation going on in a brilliant moment to connect to our surroundings in a different manner… a deeper manner in my opinion… a respectful manner to the environment we find ourselves in.  The inhabitants and the earth, rocks, water… whatever is normally in this space does not usually have humans there… and humans seem to appreciate their environments but to what degrees?  It would’ve been nice to experience how this space is in it’s normal circumstances… because they were talking more people started talking after they told their monster story… and someone mentioned they could hear the bats… we found a single bat over the area we were in which was cool… but I was thinking to myself… darn it… I didn’t hear the bat with those few moments of silence before the talking came into play… I was thinking so much about how I wished they’d stop talking that I didn’t hear the bats… so at this moment I didn’t want to not say something… I apologized but I asked if there was anyway that we could stop talking and sit in silence with the lights out for at least a minute… I just want to be able to see what I can observe at this time and be with the environment.  I didn’t want to be rude or bossy but it did feel that way just to ask if there could be a minute of silence with lights out…and I felt like some were like why do we have to sit in silence… but others thanked me for voicing my requests because they wanted to ask the same thing… these others were a newly wed couple who joined us who were not directly involved with the caving event from the hostel.. they were naturalists and I was absolutely thrilled to have them join our adventure and found myself relating more to them then the few individuals I came with from the hostel.  I observed that they were wanting to explore the cave as I’d like to… take their time… looking at all the details… it was fascinating hearing them talk about all the rock and animal life we ran into.  And as I am recording… because they took their time… I got the best footage recording them… and I was grateful to capture their footage.  And I was able to thank them as well after the wife found me on facebook… they just got married the night before and this caving adventure was part of their honeymoon… which I was so delighted to here and again after experiencing this with them… so thankful to have met…and who knows if our paths will meet again in the future… I hope so.  But in those maybe 90 seconds of silence in the darkness… I did focus enough to hear a little chitter that could be a bat… I heard the water again… and it allowed for a brief light show similar to the one I saw the first day in the meditative trip.  I was enjoying myself and it seemed like everyone was waiting for me to be ready to say that it’s ok to talk again… hehe… as much as I could’ve sat there longer I said that I was thankful they allowed that time because I enjoyed there cooperation and appreciate it.  We continued as we did afterwards… but so that night when I went to bed and as I watched the darkness behind my closed eye lids I found those lights returning to my vision.  Instead of it being a small circle of lights that were dim slowly moving across the ceiling… it was a little different… it seemed like the light was far larger… I’m think eight times larger than in the caves… it still moved very slowly as if looking at all the details that were hard to see but it also seemed like it wasn’t scanning over the ceiling anymore… it was as if I was walking or most likely crawling it seemed to go over a hump of clay into a hole of darkness and the light got swallowed up in the darkness and the dim light disappeared.  All of this is interesting to me and I look forward to see what happens when I’m alone and have the freedom to literally sit in the darkness and semi-silence for as long as I want.  So I was sitting at the entrance of the river in the darkness wondering if I was going to see any lights this time… At this time… there was nothing… and I just continued to lie in peace for awhile.  Eventually the thought of playing my instruments in this space came to me…and so I turned on my head lamp to get my flute and drum out to play.  I grabbed my flute first… I played the sequence that I seem to be finding myself playing when I grab the flute… it varies each time but it’s very similar to what I play… this instrument is still new to me but I loved it bellowing into the dome… there are times where it gets hard to play the flute because of moisture… mostly from what I assume is my spit… but I also think in this case because of the dampness of the cave as well which wasn’t as helpful for flute play.  But I played it until it didn’t want to play anymore… and so I moved to my drum.  I remember a few rhythms from last summer being a part of the drum troupe… and so I find myself practicing and tying to remember these patterns and so I usually start off slow and then pick up the pace as I relax into the rhythm… I decided that I’ll go ahead and record some of the music I’m playing and placed the light and camera onto the ceiling and continued playing.  Drumming is so satisfying… again taking steps to be more confident in my play… After time passed I placed the drum and flute back into my bag and pulled out my pipe… ground my experience with tobacco and how much pleasure I get when I’m conscious with my smoking… I decided to go into pitch blackness again for awhile… this time I didn’t close my eyes… I kept them open and watched and waited to see if I could see anything… this time I did.. but it wasn’t like my times before… there was very subtle moments that I started to see… let’s say everything was black well the color was a dark grayish i guess… it didn’t stand out… but there seemed to be movement similar to what I would see actually if I have my eyes closed.  I guess I could try to describe seeing the reflection off the water onto plants and rocks that capture the lights reflection?  I understand but not certain the words to describe it now, but again… i was enjoying this movement aware that this wasn’t behind my eye lids but with my eyes open observing the space.  All of a sudden in the corner of my eye there was a glow that started to become in my awareness… I looked at it and it looked as if there was something glowing underneath something… so it wasn’t all over and super bright.. but definitely stood out… I looked away to see if I would still see it when I looked back and it was still glowing and this time there was no movement… it was one specific spot that was glowing… after a few moments I noticed another area where I saw glowing but it was a bit different and after observing and thinking about the layout of the room… these were lights of daylight reflecting off the rocks near the entrance.  I wasn’t far from the entrance but there’s a descension and a turn to the left so at first I didn’t notice that there was any daylight anywhere… at first it was black… the glowing I was first describing wasn’t anywhere near the other lights… the glow wasn’t far from me which couldn’t have been daylight… I didn’t know what it meant but I thought… I’m going to see where this spot is… and so I looked at the glow and turned on my head lamp to see where it was… it seemed to be a single rock in the water… I located it and I made my way there and placed my left hand on it… I turned the lights off again and observed the environment to see what would happen… and after a few minutes of acclamation the space was no longer black… it was light gray and similar movements that I saw as if reflections off the water but the brightness was increasing in size and took over my entire vision… it was a bit overwhelming and unusual that I didn’t see any blackness right now… but it also didn’t look like a cave anymore… I closed my eyes to breathe in slowly and opened them again… and it seemed like it was the same thing going on… and so I decided to turn on my lights.  It was crazy to think that being in this space for this amount of time that I didn’t even see the darkness anymore, but I also didn’t see any details of the space either… so I didn’t know where the water or rocks were.  But my vision is different even when I’m in Aya ceremonies.. and so I was curious to see what my vision would be like in a cave… again all of this helps excite me for integration steps to help assist my performance with Ayahuasca.  I felt amazing when I climbed out of the cave back into the light of the sun and surrounded by the woods… almost a bit dizzy once I started to retrace my steps back to the pond.  I looked at the time knowing that I probably didn’t have time to go to the second cave he put on the map… but I thought I’d walk around the area to see if I could spot the area he had mapped out… but I think there might be a little flaw in the hand drawn map… but I enjoyed taking my time leaving the space… I saw about three blue jays flying around from one tree to the other going back and forth… and once I got back to the van to head out… I knew caving is something I’d like to attract more of in my future… but specifically intentional caving

Ok.. I think that might be where I’ll switch away from the caving and head into the next focal I wanted to share today… the unexpected chicken game at the hostel… hehe… so I’ve already been talking about preparing myself to having more possible romantic or sexual encounters for the past six months… it’s been apparent that I’m trying to get myself ready for opportunities to explore this.  This is an area I need to work on and I guess this is a time that I can be more deliberate on my practice to explore my relationship to sexuality.  When I was in Colorado and I was trying to create the event with sexual adult play… I found out that the community I was in wasn’t quite ready for this event and also I didn’t have the time either.  I realized when it comes to large gatherings of sexuality it doesn’t make me uncomfortable… but thinking about being completely vulnerable and sexually intimate and expressive is the area I am out of my comfort zone… which again is the area I need to work on and so I wait to see how it will introduce itself to me.  I’ve been talking to friends and I’ve kind of found a way to explain it a little… I started getting messages that sexuality was going to be addressed in my reality and so I know I’ve kept that door closed for years now, but for six months I’ve cracked the door open… but I was going to kick it wide open when it came to the sexual entertainment party I was going to host… but I wasn’t able to kick the door open… and so it was still cracked waiting to see how things play out… when I finally spoke and verified with the Australian that we are not mutually wanting the same things that door I had closed wasn’t going to be closed any longer… I know I’m feeling I’m looking for affection and intimacy again… but how was reality going to introduce this back into my Reality and how was going to handle it?  lol… well I guess it introduced it back with a little game of Chicken.  So… the founder is absolutely brilliant man who is very creative and comfortable in his sexuality.  This board game is something he offers to guests that he thinks will be open and curious to play and there were ten of us in this group which were down to see what it was about.  Let’s explain the rules which again I think is interpretive depending who is leading the group to how it’s played.  So the guy leading explains… there are eight levels with it’s own designation of cards… it starts out at level one which has a single chicken on it and moves up to level eight which is called extreme I believe.  And so as we choose the cards, we can choose to stay in the lower range which could just be answering questions as what’s your favorite color or to give a simple kiss a peck on the cheek or the mouth… more of the tame activities while if we continue to go higher the cards start to ask for more daring encounters with the participants involved which I hear can get pretty damn extreme.. hehe.  Well…. The group dynamic determines who wild it gets and how quickly the wildness will come… but in reality it can stay pretty tame if the group wants it… and so I found it interesting to be there with this particular group… I had a fun time.  But anyway… another part of the rules is that we try to get an equal amount of genders to play… we had six girls and four boys… but one boy and one girl was nonbinary… and what I’m trying to say is that it was pretty even.  One of the die had curved corners for the females and the sharp corners for the males.  There can be up to twelve players and everyone gets designated a number.  I was number two on the curved die.  So.. when we play if the person who is choosing the card gets an activity card not a question card then they role the dies to see who the choices are to participants of said activity.  So again this group leader said that consent is of utmost importance and so if you who chooses the card doesn’t want to do the activity or answer the question then you can choose to drink alcoholic or not or choose two cards from lower levels.  If you are chosen as the participant for activity, you can too decide to say no and use your words to express this in a nonjudgemental manner… everyone should be expressing if it’s a mutual exchange of experience.  So… I won’t go into details of what all was being done.. but I want to focus on was my thoughts and observations of myself while I was playing this game… and I might go into some personal ones that the game asked from me.  So first of all… most should know by now if following any of my Journal… I’ve been practicing celibacy for seven years now and the last time I kissed someone was about four years ago.  At that time there was still a bit of the pandemic I was dealing with and my stepdad had passed and I wanted to get a ticket to Hawaii to attend his funeral.  I didn’t have much time or options when it came to work… so I decided to become an exotic dancer for a few months.  All my life people have asked if I was an exotic dancer… hehe… and now I can say yes for a few months I was.  But I ended up kissing a girl for the first time while I was in the club.  I hadn’t had any sexual encounters directly with females before this… the only thing was my girl friend back in middle/ high school days would make out with our partners in the same room together.  But I didn’t even notice them since I was in my own world at the time… but once we played with her boyfriend which was just running our hands and fingers along his body… nothing too crazy I’d say… but that’s not what I”m going to go on a tangent about right now… hehe… but I first got to experience a girl in a sexual manner was a man asked me to dance with friend who was a girl.  She was attracted to women and she found me attractive and would like a lap dance.  I said that would be fun and so i did… while I was dancing he interrupted and said that he’d like to watch me dance with her and his girlfriend at the same time… and so I went with it… and goodness… it was fun!  Women are so soft and ooey gooey… hehe I remember thinking I can understand why men enjoy snuggling up on us.  Girls also seem to be more expressive of their enjoyment then I found men to be which added to the excitement.  And so eventually working here I started to get the opportunities to work with couples… I didn’t know how well I’d enjoy working with couples in fact that was far more fun for me personally then just men I think.. I guess it depends on each situation.. but it was new and I liked it.  Well… I’m just as honest as an exotic dancer as I am anywhere so the first couple I danced with in privacy I admitted that I had never kissed a girl before.  They were surprised because I seemed quite confident and good at pleasure the girl but the girl asked me if she could be my first… and I was enjoying myself with them and so I did… I ended up kissing one more girl while I was a dancer but yes… that has been four years ago… and I finally got an opportunity to possibly kiss again in this game… hehe… so what did I observe in myself during the game.  First of all, I felt very comfortable… when it comes to games and groups… I see it all as entertainment and I’m confident in being a good performer.  So I was looking forward to entertain and please.  What I also found out is that it took more than half of the game to go by without my number being rolled… hehe… I found that I was kind of a little disappointed that I wasn’t an option for anyone to play with me directly… hehe… people were choosing me to participate with others… but curved number two wasn’t showing itself and I thought that I’m too willing and this game is tame… so just relax and enjoy it… which I was able to…but when someone finally rolled my number I had to let everyone know that I had been waiting there patiently enjoying myself watching but we’re about over and I finally get a chance to be a choice to choose from… lol… so of course the person who rolled said well would you like to participate in the activity, then… and I said of course… and so I got to make out for the first time in a long time and for me it was fun because I felt like this game was more performance than anything else.  Another interesting point I’d like to share for myself in this game is that I got the questions… who are you most attractive to who is playing the game with you right now?  And I had to laugh because I did have to answer the favorite color card too… and I said remember how I answered that questions… I said probably shades of green… hehe… I should’ve said rainbow… so yeah picking out favorites is not my thing… so everyone agreed that I could pick my top two instead of one.  So again I couldn’t just answer because looking around I didn’t know who to choose at first… so I was delaying my decision and was confessing that I find almost everyone attractive… and I know I’ve disclosed this information before… but its true attraction for me isn’t just physical… everyone I meet I seem to find an attractiveness for in one way or more… so I was telling everyone this and I was specifically looking at everyone’s eyes… so I was saying that I find them all attractive and it’s true but to be able to pick the top two of this group I thought… to be honest I have spoken to two of you more then the others in the group and so right now I find you guys more attractive… I said and touched one girl that we have been having great conversation to and from the caves… and then I said and touched the one guy who shared the meditative trip with me and with an hour of waiting on the groups to return we were really able to dive much deeper in our spirituality which is attractive.  I believe because of this one card… it led to an engagement this past weekend which I’ll be discussing I guess next… hehe… so after this game I was buzzing a bit… and curious to see how different my life is going to be by having this door cracked open a bit.  And I started to definitely see a difference in myself and my thoughts.  They’ll come out but I’m going through the steps of how I understood them more than I did just two weeks ago at this event.  

So how does this unfold?  Well… I stayed after a few days from the weekend event to volunteer… I love community and helping out and I have time to see how things run on the daily… I’m curious.  I’ve been watching my friend the founder for six years now through social media and he’s been standing out in my attention and I’ve been impressed again already wanting to attend his two events of caving and intentional communities.  But I also was offline when I was there.  So as I was exchanging my information I’d mention that I wanted to be offline while I was there so I can immerse myself fully and to just get a break from online activity.  I believe it was late Monday that I finally got connected and I was getting several messages.  When I got back home I felt like I had much more time to give my full attention and that’s when the guy I chose as one of the most attractive during the game asked if we can meet up.  We thought the following weekend but I told him that I’d like to stay home for a weekend because I’ve only been back two weeks and I’d just like to adjust a bit more and honestly wanted to spend time with my cat who is freaking out right now because I’ve been gone so many days since we arrived back to Indiana… he’s doing fine, but he’s also not leaving my side when I’m back at my dad’s place where we are staying at the moment.  I also told him if I go to Indy area that I’d like to spend a few days there and so I want to make plans with friends… this will give me a week to do this and he was fine with it.  So I was able to reach a few friends that I wanted to see first and spend time with… and so we decided that Friday night will be our night to hang… when we were deciding what to do I didn’t originally think of this as a date… but as it continued… I was like is this a date?  I guess this could be considered a date… hehe… I just haven’t thought about hanging out with people as an opportunity for something sexual or romantic to be involved in such a long time… when I started to question if this was a date that’s when my mind became weird… hehe… I was like holy shit… I’m awkward as hell when I think of being romantic or sexual with someone… and I’m telling you this is something new to me… before my shamanism journey I felt like I was confident in this area of my life… I’m realizing that all of those memories and moments in the past I was just really good at performing or acting… even so much so that I didn’t even know I was performing for myself.  I wasn’t really ever ready to give myself fully to a relationship even though I thought I was… I’m sure more insights will come out.. but anyway how did our conversation go setting up this ”date”.  He sent over some ideas to do together and mostly involving haunted houses… and so I told him that it sounded like fun but really I just want to talk to him and get to know him better… in my mind at first I’m still thinking he might be someone I’d like to invite to join in Ayahuasca ceremonies… hehe… I told him let me look around and see if there’s anything that doesn’t involve so much money that we can enjoy together… I haven’t looked for a gig since I’ve been back and so money is tight right now… and as I was looking… which it wasn’t as successful in the option I was seeing since everything I wanted to do also costed money and not much difference than the haunted house… and while I was searching he said it would not be a problem for him to pay for it… in fact to not worry about cost… he just wanted to have time to share and get to know me better as well… and so I said if it’s ok with him then it’ll be ok with me too.  He said that with his kids and his parents spending the weekend at his place… we can meet at his place but after the haunted house we could go to one of his friend’s house or go to a hotel or find something to do to talk.  I told him I’m open and all of the above would work for me.  If nothing else I’ll be taking blankets and pillows with me and I’ll sleep in the van if I have to.  He laughed and said there’s no way I’m going to be sleeping in the van, but a girl does what she has to… and it would be great to not sleep in the van, but if I have to I will and it wouldn’t bother me… there’s ton of space in there… hehe.   So we said let’s get a hotel… he found a bed and breakfast which looked gorgeous and one of the pictures showed a large jacuzzi tub and of course I had to mention how a bath would be awesome.  He called to book it and I guess they had a two night minimum… I told him I could look for spots on Airbnb… maybe there’s options there… which I wasn’t successful at finding but as I was looking he said he found a hotel that had a whirlpool tub in the space… and if he should book it… I told him that we don’t have to have a tub… but I love soaking in them and I figured we could maybe have some fun enjoying it together… there I go this is when I was like is this a date?  But he immediately said… yessss booking it now… lol… unfortunately there wasn’t a tub in the room… the people he was talking to wasn’t actually onsite and there was a pool and hot tub but none in a room… so I was hoping to have some fun with him in the tub… I was going to pick up some oils and see if he’d like a nuru massage… oiling each other up and using all of my body to massage his without focusing on using my hands… I love to slip and slide… this would probably be the closest thing to a fetish that I might have even though I haven't actually had many sexually experiences with this involved.  But afterwards I was going to get some bath salts and suds with some candles and we could bathe each other while we soaked.  I guess bath time and shower time has been the closest things I’ve done a bit to my slippery fantasizes… I’ve done nuru twice but again for professional activities not personal pleasure.  I was running late to meet him and so I didn’t stop and get the supplies I went straight to the hotel and only being five minutes late I found him talking to the front desk asking if there’s a room that has a tub in it.. but they didn’t have such things at this location.  So I found out I didn’t need to go buy these items anyway… and again it wasn’t necessary to enjoy ourselves.  In my mind it was going to be an easier way for me to relax and enjoy myself in sexual play… as if I needed something to help me into this zone.  We had fun at the haunted house and we went to visit his friend which I had a good time… I guess I was bringing up conversations that he didn’t know about his buddy… we had top notch conversations about spirituality and he doesn’t find anyone to talk this way with. He’s a philosophical theologian.  And throughly enjoyed our talks in fact I told him I’m glad I wasn’t the driver because I would have pulled over to talk than to try to drive… hehe… he missed a few exits too while we were talking because it was noticeable we enjoyed our conversations.  Also I noted his friend is pretty cool… he designs apps and is into psychedelics both recreationally and spiritually… these things I noticed because maybe I can see how intentional he’d like psychedelics to be… but no rush… I’ll see if it comes up in the future.  But then we returned to the hotel… and it was a lovely room with a king sized bed which also came with a king sized television… lol… he was watching the goonies when I arrived back from the bathroom.  I didn’t care what we were watching… I was to much engaged with talking more if he was up to it.  I had things I had to talk to him about especially if we were going to go where we anticipated it to be leading to… I told him how seriously I’ve taken my spiritual practice specifically when it came to my sexuality… celibacy has given me so much insight but that game we played might have given him the wrong impression… one on one I feel like I’m going to be more scared and awkward… and that I didn’t know where my boundaries are at this time.  Admittedly I didn’t tell him that I figured I wasn’t going to have sexual intercourse with him… I think I was challenging myself and seeing how I was going to respond in this situation… if I was going to cave in or not…but I just wanted to see how it went and again respond in the moment.

So I don’t think I’m going to go into all the details of what we did… in fact I haven’t gotten his consent to discuss much details on what we talked about and activities we mutually shared together… so I’ll try to keep it as brief as possible but enough information to get my thoughts out.  First of all… I wasn’t as scared or awkward in this position… just like it was a surprise for the guy I made out with during the game that he was the first person I’ve kissed in years… he probably wouldn’t have known I hadn’t been in this situation for closer to six years when I attempted a sexual encounter with a friend I met in the Florida airport and met up with wile traveling in Peru and met up again in Colorado… but I think I went through those details before and not relevant for this conversation… well.. actually it is relevant because I remember how crazy I did feel in those moments… I was so new to practicing celibacy and it was a huge internal battle of wanting to and not wanting to… that battle was intense and I felt a bit crazy while I was in it.. but that wasn’t the case this time… I wasn’t battling much… I did notice how responsive my body was to this encounter… like holy shit girl finally… you know you enjoy this… but I did have thoughts going on asking are you actually wanting to have sex with him?  If you’re not going to have sex with him… how are you going to tell him?  Are you going to voice your thoughts?  And so I found myself telling him that I’m down for pretty much anything but I am not ready to actually have intercourse with penetration by his member into me… lol… I probably chose the wrong time to state my boundaries but I know for next time when I find myself in this situation again.  He definitely wanted to penetrate and I was allowing his fingers to and he loved how wet and tight I was… I started chuckling and was like yeah… I’m not lying to you…. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in this position.  But I wasn’t going to let him go unsatisfied… I do love to please… and so I think I might have introduced to him a new position for going down on him that seemed to give him enjoyment.  Again the next morning I was buzzing… my body was tingling and it almost felt like I had sex the night before… I can see how much my body and mind enjoy being in this unknown territory… but once we parted I was better able to contemplate what all went down and what all I observed in myself.  I didn’t realize all of this until I was talking to my girl friend I went to visit on Saturday night.  But there’s a few encounters before this so I’ll continue and express insights while talking with her.  

So I was meeting with my friend whom I also visit when I’m back in Indiana… we actually met each other in the salsa dancing scene… and he met me when I was in my polyamorous phase and there was a short stent of sexual encounters we shared… but this has been nine years ago now… very close to it at least… but our relationship has gotten stronger and more depth because of course I’ve become more spiritual and intentional and so this deepens our bonds.  But right…. Going to meetup with him… i didn’t see this as a date… this is my friend and I care for him deeply but I haven’t been looking at him in this manner for years now… but of course we are catching up… talking about what’s has happened this past year when I went to Utah and what insights and direction I’ve been able to find there… so I went into that but of course I told the most confusing thing going on in my life is my relationship to sex.  So again… I haven’t gotten permission or consent so I’ll try to keep it mostly to my thoughts as much as possible.  Let’s just say I’ve been blunt and open to all the things that go on in my thoughts as I was leading up to the date the night before.  I got to the point where I thought I was going to be awkward and scared… and how I don’t feel like I’m good at one to one engagements anymore but when it comes to sexual entertainment in groups that I’m fine… we both laughed because we both remember our past sexual encounters and said I know it might sound crazy but that’s how I feel now… he was laughing and said he can’t believe what I’m saying because there’s no way he’d believe I wasn’t confident in this area.  He had a blast… I told him about the game I found myself in at the hostel which really got him going.  He found a walking trail alongside a community with beautiful neon colored fall trees… loved it!  We sat on the bench as we were heading out and he said… tell me more about you kissing girls… lol… I laughed and said well… I haven’t kissed many girls… told him how I started and some details about the game but I told him that kissing a girl does seem to have differences to the men I’ve kissed.  I mean there’s nuances but in general there seems to be a difference.  And so he wanted to know.  I said that when I’m kissing a guy… there seems to be an expectation that this kiss is leading to a destination… and honestly maybe that’s a projection I have on myself but that’s how I explained it… and when I kiss a girl that expectation of a destination isn’t there…. It’s as if we’re ok if the destination is just to being kissing and enjoying the kiss we’re sharing in the moment.  This subtlety makes a difference.  And honestly I don’t really know if this is a gender thing… I’m sure to guarantee that it’s an individual thing… but I was talking with my buddy and was just having a conversation casually and not thinking about being political correct or something.  I just was expressing my opinion at the time.  I told him that I’d like to be a master of foreplay… where the destination isn’t the point… almost similar to the idea I get from people who I know who talk about the kink scene… to have mutual pleasure in as many ways other than intercourse… intercourse isn’t there intention going into a sexual sharing.  He laughed at me and said that he’s definitely down to be a partner if I’m looking for one.  We have a history and he enjoys foreplay as well.  I looked at him and asked how his girlfriend would feel about this?  Is she open to this?  Are these things you’ve talked to her about?  And he said that he’s brought things up like this to her before… he implied that she doesn’t seem to be interested in sharing sexual experiences with girls but might consider sexual experiences with other partners… he didn’t go into much detail and I figured we’d be talking more and so maybe I’ll get more out of him the more we talk.  And so I said that I don’t want anything I do to be a secret or hidden.  I respect you but I also respect your girlfriend… I’m not going to be doing anything behind her back.  He said he’d love to watch me and his girl together… he said that he doesn’t know of any guy who doesn’t fantasize about this.  I told him that I’m not really sexually attracted to women.  I tried to explain that I find women beautiful and attractive yes… but when it comes to sex… kissing on their lips and maybe neck and shoulders… massaging and running my fingers on their skin… this seems fine with me yet not something I’m going to go seek out… but if I find myself in this situation I can engage with it and enjoy myself… but I don’t actually want to get dirty with women… I want to get dirty with guys…hehe… I don’t see myself wanting to go down on a girl or sucking on her nipples… or fingering a girl… I mean things can change but that doesn’t seem to be where I’m at and again I don’t have an interest in going to find that experience.  We were able to get away from this topic and go more in depth in spiritual matters which I’m usually pretty at steering towards… but he said that he’d like to see if he can set something up with his girl or someone else when he left… oh my goodness… I’m literally kicking the door open and seeing what the hell I’l respond too… but is that really what I want?  

Oh…. At the beginning of the weekend I didn’t plan on meeting another gentleman I met at the caving event.  He messaged me right before I was leaving on my date Friday.  He said that he had work in Ohio and he was driving through Indy to get back home.  Would I be available to hangout this weekend.  I told him that I was planning on being in Indy this weekend but I have made plans so I’d be available Sunday… we jumped back and forth of possibly doing a group activity on Saturday night but we finalized eating lunch Sunday before he headed out and I needed to be at a drum cicle.  So yeah I just wanted to add to the dynamics of holy shit… I met this man at the hostel… and we had some deep conversations as well the first night there… at the end he was asking if I wanted to join him in his rental spot because it was going to be a cold night.  I told him that I want to sleep alone tonight… but let’s see how tomorrow night goes… and that’s when we played chicken and he wasn’t a participant and I don’t think we finished until 4am… so it didn’t work out.. but I thought there was a possible attraction there… and I was like wow… when I had this door closed to my sexuality… it seemed like I was so easy to keep my boundaries and state clearly where I’m at.  And now that I’ve cracked the door open… I wonder if I”m literally sending out vibes like I’m single and ready to mingle or something… because I feel like I’m not really doing that but something is going on… and since I’m ready to face this challenge in my life I want to observe myself in these situations… but also these are fascinating people and i know I’ll enjoy my time with them.   So why wouldn’t I want to meet up with them.  But we’ll get to our encounter after I move to my girl friend I went to see after I left my salsa friend.  

She lives with three dogs… two boxer terriers and a little chihuahua…. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen them and oh how excited we all were to be together… hehe… the big boys don’t know how big they are and want to be lap dogs… hehe… but I love them so much and they’re like the cherry on top when I go to visit my girl friend.  Now… once again I haven’t gotten her consent to talk about all the things we were discussing but when we talk to one another… it’s absolutely phenomenal of what we can release and process together.  Since we are still in the sexual sides of things I’ll probably continue this string of thought… but we were able to engage in far more and specifically a particular gentleman and intentional communities… but those will be in the next chapter to today’s entry… lol… I knew I needed to express myself in this Journal today…. I just didn’t know how long it was going to take…hehe… it’s good for me though… and honestly most of this had been worked out after speaking with her… but they’re still lingering and so I wanted to purge it out… so what was I able to express to her that I was only thinking about and hadn’t had the contemplation time to digest until I was with her?  Back to the date night… so it seemed like I wasn’t as scared or awkward in this encounter… but definitely expressing where my boundaries are at this time before we start is definitely the most appropriate time instead of in the middle of the engagement… but I found out that I was able to do this but to be respectful and intentional with my partner… being able to make informed decisions without unknown expectations would be appreciated for everyone.  I’d like to know where the boundaries are for my partner too if any.  I also found out that it was a bit too fast and too casual for me.  I admitted that I felt like it was still a performance in a way… while I was kissing him I was thinking a lot of what I should do next?  Where should I touch him? How far will this go and how far do I want compared to how far he wants?  So to please I wanted to do the things that I think are pleasurable for him… how I can describe it is as if I am performing sexually… I really don’t know if I can remember not performing during sexual activities.  When I’ve been engaged in meditative intentional sex without expectations and truly engaged in unknown possibilities and with no time restriction or no destination.  I know I’ve spoken many times about not having an easy time having orgasms… and I know it was very mental block.. but I placed an expectation and destination on myself and partners too… I expected it was going to be hard for me to orgasm and my destination is to fucking have an orgasm… hehe… and when it came to my expectation and destination for my partner… I expect that I’m going to do my best to please my partner and the destination is for them to have an orgasm.  How many destinations have I placed on myself when it comes to having sex?  Sexual intercourse, mutual orgasm, intuitive pleaser and expressive communicator.  I can see this could be accomplished but if I remove this destination idea maybe some of these things might start to naturally occur?  How do I not be a performer?  I was talking to my girl friend about this… I think the first thing that I notice to not be a performer that was obvious when I was playing the game or on my date… is the depth of getting to know the people involved.  I hadn’t known them long I don’t know much about their history or their purpose or dreams for the future… and it wasn’t like a natural sexual attraction I’d say.  I wasn’t really looking at my haunted house buddy as a sexual partner until we started to take things to a sexual play date… and I wasn’t going to engage in sexual play date with any of the participants of the game before they asked if I wanted to join in on the adventure.  So I would say that yeah it wasn’t a natural sexual attraction.  And specifically even though I find the haunted house buddy to be physically attractive… I found myself not really responding naturally while we were making out because… I don’t know him… i wanted to perform and make sure it was a fun time for him… but honestly it’s not how I want to continue my sexual exploration.  I told my salsa buddy the next morning as well that i”m not interested in having a three way engagement with me and another girl… it would be so much pressure and expectation… if the three of us are alone in a space and we are to start something… I feel like what I’d like to do with the girl wouldn’t be all the satisfying for all the parties and I’d feel like I’d have to go to places I didn’t want to go.  I also told him that I’m not ready to reignite a sexual relationship with him either.  Talking with my girl friend… I did realize and admit to her and specifically to myself that there is a partner that I’m attracted to.  

I started to express how I self sabotage in the past when I liked someone starting all the way back in high school… I had tendencies to like someone but I’d try to get my girl friend to date them instead… because they’re both amazing and I want them to be happy… I just didn’t think I’d deserve that happiness.  Now this varies in degrees and I’ve been happy with partners and was attracted to my partners… but I do remember occasions where I would do this.  I remember when I started to want to have sex I was dating a guy whom I really liked who already had sex before and I was a virgin… I broke up with him because I didn’t think it was fair for him to be dating someone who wasn’t experienced… I had a one night stand with a friend for my first time… and I dated someone my senior year where we were rabbits… it wasn’t until my freshman year in college did I reach back out to the guy I broke up with because I felt like I could give him a good time now that I have some sexual experience.  I mean we stayed together for 13 years… but even then I didn’t have a clue what I was doing… and in a way I still don’t… it feels like I’m starting over as a virgin… but in a way… my muscle memory in my body is still there… it knows what its doing… but I’ve noticed how I was trying to self sabotage myself in just these past few weeks.  I noticed it but I hadn’t really admitted to myself that I wanted to pursue a potential romantic relationship with him though either to myself.  I guess it wasn’t really apparent until I saw him and was observing how he was engaging with people and when he expressed himself so openly and clearly.  I mean… this is where I saw my conditioning of toxicity from my past become aware to me.  So… I’ve been observing him and he’s been attracting my attention… he’s gotten many similar attributes that I share but of course the difference intrigue me.  He’s extremely creative… I’ve enjoyed looking at his photography and his paintings and his digital art… he possibly produced, shot, and scored an indie film… I haven’t asked the details but I wouldn’t be surprised.  What I’ve seen him be able to build within the last six years has been awesome… what can be obvious on social media is how many structures that have been built but also able to see how the structure of his staff’s interactions and daily implementations shows just how much he cares for his community.  And just his commitment to building communities of course rings all the right bells because I find myself loving this passion as well.  He’s openly polyamorous which also makes me attracted to him at this time too.  I don’t think I’m going to be labeling myself at this time… but having experience in polyamory and monogamy and celibacy… I find them all to be valuable… for me at different times in my life.  It looks as if he has had a steady partner that is his foundation.  I don’t much about her or their relationship but I don’t know much about him either… just what I can gather and interpret.  But I’m definitely interested in getting to know him more.  When I originally saw these qualities in him… I was yes… he’s someone I want to get to know more and partner up with… I want to ask him more about his spirituality and how open he is for spiritual practices because I want to invite him to join the team of Aya ceremonies to Enlightenment expeditions, to linking communities, and possibly the nonprofit… I mean absolute checks all the boxes… and so confident I go into his environment and have all the intention to find time to speak with him about these things… lol… but when I get there I see just how much attention he’s trying to share with everyone.  Everyone is attracted to him and wants his guidance.  He’s good at what he does… I figured I’d get time to spend with him after the event and so I didn’t really engage with him much directly.  But again I’m always in observation mode and he’s hard not to notice.  I found myself a bit shy I would say… I know no one would think that this would describe me… but for me.. I know when I tend to get shy because it stands out to me as well… I seemed to be shy around him.  But before I left I was trying to figure out when to return… I knew I wanted to come back and I thought as soon as possible so his next event was an art event.  So I asked more about the art event… I was thinking multiple art mediums… music, dance, painting, sewing, sculpture… to call it an art event… but I found it was a single mural painter who was teaching… for the price she wanted I didn’t think I’d like to participate… but the intentional convention was already in my radar so I can wait a few weeks and go back then.  So what has seemed to change from then to now?  Well… first of all when I was watching him through social media I was watching him with my door closed phase.  I saw him as someone I have to talk with because he’d be perfect for future partnerships… and so I was confident to go and chat… then it moved to holy cow… my door is not closed anymore… it’s been creaked open to get me ready to address changes I”m going to be working on… hehe… it’s already been kicked open to see how I responded… but now I find my door is half way at this moment.  I want to not kick the door open but intentionally push the door open slowly most likely but feeling my way on the pace not predicting it. This is what I was able to admit to myself when I speaking with my girl friend.  My confidence was strong when I thought of him with my door closed… and now that the door is opening my confidence started to waiver… I mean once I started to actually experience that I am available for romantic/sexual intimacy into my life it’s like i don’t know what to do right now…. lol… I know I’ll figure it out quickly I’ve already done a ton in just one weekend to gain clarity… but I didn’t realize how I was questioning my confidence… I was assuming that I was going to be my past self with my past memories… and since I’ve gone this long shouldn’t I be scared?  Shouldn’t I be awkward?  But after this weekend… this is not the case… I saw tendencies of thinking of different dear girl friends of mine who would find him amazing and thinking of possibly getting them down there to meet him to see if they could have a spark together… at the time I also wasn’t sure how long I was going to be staying in Indiana too… I spoke with my girl friend earlier before I arrived to Indiana about how I want to have a romantic relationship…and she was asking if I’m ready to change my traveling decisions?  I told her at the time that I’d need to attract someone who understands passion and purpose.  I’m not just traveling to be traveling… there’s strategy even though it’s not a specific planned out strategy… but there’s a bigger purpose to my travels.  And I’ll find someone who would understand this and would not want to keep me put for selfish reasons… I don’t see how I could attract anyone who would want that for me… I love myself too much to want to settle for less than I deserve… and I deserve to follow my spiritual path… but as I was talking to her I did start clicking into place that… well.. I have a ticket in to Indiana but I don’t have a ticket out… everyone wants and expects me to tell them my exact plan how long I’m staying where I’m going… details and details… I try to explain this is not the way I’ve been taught through my spiritual understanding.  I listen for intuitive conversations and nudges to direct my choices.  I do have a vision but the details aren’t given and I love spontaneity so I honestly don’t want all of that information most of the time.  We discussed how my brother in Hawaii wants to buy my ticket back to help him build willpower for his obesity but it’s something I don’t want to do at this time because he’s not ready to make the changes and steps yet… in a physical manner… I can see the steps playing out in his mental body… but his physical body is not ready and he thinks I can go there and be a militant guru for him but that doesn’t sound like anything I’d like to do really.  And he still lives with my mom and there’s not an ounce of me that wants to live with her again.  I’ll go and visit and enjoy myself but I don’t want to obligated to live with her because I’m short on financial resources at this time.  Hawaii is definitely in my future but it’s not only to share time with family… but I’ve got my own explorations to discover there… I want to go to the outer islands and volunteer and see whom I find and what communities I’ll find… I’d like to go on my own terms… and as much as I don’t want to spend another winter in my dad’s house… I don’t want to go to Hawaii right now.  With the ideas I’ve been thinking… I. Can make some money here in Indiana for a year and when I return to Hawaii I can do just that… visit with family and spend time and share love… but then continue on my purpose and explorations… before I go to Japan…etc. until Nepal.  

But anyway… she said about not traveling… I told her I’m willing to spend time to see if a relationship can grow, but I’m not going to stay in one spot forever… at least not right now.  I agree that time spent together to get to know one another and building a relationship and a bond needs time… I can give a year to this but I’ve got a calling.  And I don’t want to just stay for a romantic relationship either.  There are too many opportunities for me to develop skills that I want to build to better prepare me for my future endeavors that would be easily found here too.  The first thing is to find time…some one on one time with him and see where he’s at and if there can be an agreement.  Regardless if it’s not a romantic relationship… I’m completely down for a professional relationship and we’ll both get value from that as well.  I found myself at the temple in Utah and I didn’t know where I was going to fit in but it became apparent to me that I was there to help the leader of the temple… to give her confidence in someone she can trust to help run the temple to give her rest.  I feel like she saw the value of rest and how much it’s just as important as progression and actions.  I found ways to help which wasn’t part of her agenda she usually has for volunteers… she’s so close to the situation that having a outsider who is intelligent and aware and creative come in and see the gaps that aren’t noticed but extremely effective was appreciated by the time I left.  I will continue to observe them… but I know I’ll be returning as well to check the status and help when I’m there in the areas needed.  I didn’t give her my 100%… i was using the space as an ashram so I gave 50 to her and 50 to myself.  She wanted me to be different to who I am… I became an exception for her… I didn’t come to her in the normal terms she’s used to… I came out of no where… she didn’t allow pets but she made an exception… she didn’t allow smoking, but we made agreements… I showed her my potential before we spoke about me moving in…and because what she saw… she was willing to take the chance to make me an exceptions… and she doesn’t regret a thing and got so much more than she expected.  Next time… I’d love to give her my 100… I’m taking the steps to better understand to sustain my energies the more I know myself the better I can help the ones I’m engaged with when I see the tendencies I found myself doing.  I’m going to go much deeper into the intentional communities to prepare myself for the weekend… but man… I’ve been on here a long time and I’ve been able to express quite a bit and I feel satisfied leaving it here for now.  I hope to continue tomorrow… I’ll be helping my dad pick up supplies for his cellar/shelter… I’ll be making cream puffs with my girl friend on Wednesday… I’m thinking that I might ask if there’s a Halloween party maybe going on at the hostel for Thursday… maybe I’ll go a day early?  We’ll see… I don’t have any outfit or anything but maybe that’s not really necessary.  Ok.. until next time… thank you  

[withinUverse]

Alright… good morning… so where am I going to start… well the first thing that’s sticking out in my mind is I heard from the reading yesterday was “what are you waiting for?”  So… I was asking myself that as well… so I got a hold of the founder to see if I can come a day early for the weekend… I wanted to see if he’d need help setting up and also just be available to help during the event as well… so I could get a break down about the structure that’s being played out during the intentional convention.  And he said he’d love that.  It’s going to be Halloween and so I asked if I should wear a costume… hehe.. I don’t actually have anything really but he said there will be some type of fuckery going on but nothing has been planned out or discussed yet.  When I was staying with my girl friend over the weekend I accidentally left my shampoo so I was going to pick it up from her on my way down and she also mentioned she might have a basic witch outfit and she’ll leave that out for me too and so I’ll swing by and grab that just in case.  I did think I could possibly go as Bob Ross though because my childhood girl friend has a daughter who went to a party with her boyfriend and they were the “stepbrothers”… and they got those wigs with a fro… and I thought maybe that could be something else I could do.  It’s been awhile since I’ve dressed up… when I was here in Indiana I made homemade costumes for my nieces and nephews it was a Moana theme… but we were also celebrating the passing of their great grandma who when I was younger she would make all our Halloween costumes through elementary school and to celebrate her memory we did this but also I found a wig of the hair cut she use to wear… so actually dressing up dressing up… been probably four to five years… and why not have a bit more fun right now… I know I’d like to add more play into my life because it’s something I value and I don’t find myself doing this as much as I’d like.  I mean I have fun but I’m thinking goofy fun… I love to be goofy and I guess I don’t let that side of me show as much as I’d like.  Just a side note… I guess my nieces and nephews aren’t going to be celebrating Halloween anymore… I guess this holiday is now considered a devilish holiday… geesh… but I’m not going to go into family life right now but it was interesting to hear… I’m glad we had our time last time I was here because all of us were enjoying doing this together.  But anyway… I’m going to redirect… what am I waiting for?  

So during the weekend especially talking with my girl friend I started to click together that maybe I’ll go ahead and stay here in Indiana for a year.  I was saying that I could see so much potential if I help out with the hostel for the next season around April to October… I can see benefits for knowing a time frame of how long I’ll be here.    I feel like I’d be able to settle in and relax into my space knowing this.  I spent eight months at the temple in Utah, but I didn’t know I was going to be there for that long and it felt like I was wondering if I was going to be leaving each month… and I think that assisted in me not giving my 100% as well… if I join this community here in Indiana and I know I’ll be here for the entire season… I’d be much more likely to give much more.  I hear that he has two positions that he’s hiring for… one is the manager and the other is the executive director.  I’m really not certain what the duties are involved, but I don’t think I’d be interested in either position… why?  We’ll the executive director position is what I hear is going to be a minimum of a four to six years commitment and I’m not willing to commit to that timing so that’s an automatic no in my mind.  But when it comes to the manager… I thought maybe this is something I can do and it’s only for a season which I know I’m ok with this timing… I feel like I could be good at this position, but really I had to look at what I think this position involves.  In my head most of the time the manager is going to be managing people… specifically the volunteer staff or work trade visitors… of course when there are events there will be guests…and it’s a hostel so any guests that arrive.  So… I love people and I do well with people… but I also know being around people constantly and managing energies would absolutely drain my energy.  I don’t even know how the time schedule works out here… when I volunteered it seemed like there was one day off and then each day we’d wake up and have head and heart sharing together say at 9 am… we’d let everyone know where we are currently in our head and heart state.  We would also put a personal goal we’d like to accomplish for the day that isn’t related to working on the property… examples people said they’d like to take a nap, or do yoga, or painting… reading… this type of thing… so each morning everyone would observe where they’re out at before starting the day together and become more aware of what self care wants to be done for the day… which I can see as beneficial.  Also in this meeting they’d let us know the gist of what work activities need to be done for the day… usually seems that we all work together the fist half of the day and the second half of the day they’re more of a solo task and can be done at our own timing before dinner is served.  After the gathering we’d have like an hour break to eat breakfast or really wake up and then we would go to the first half of work.  So when I was there we were continuing the remodeling of the manager’s house… well I guess eventually this house will be the executive director’s house and there’s a thought to build a hut/cabin for the manager on property in the woods… it’s a fairly big space… I wouldn’t see why not both positions could share the space… but I understand having personal space as well.  Any who… it was construction and cleaning jobs.  I’m not sure how long this shift is… I don’t have a phone to carry around and monitor time… I have my iPad usually to see if there are any opportunities to make a video but yeah I rarely think to look at the time.  But I’m thinking it was a max of three hours?  I’m guessing 10-1pm again we’d have another break where we can get lunch… so the second half we have more daily duties to get done say… laundry, supper, turning compost in the garden and bathrooms… but then there might be tasks that came up that need to take care of such as solar light box was damaged and needs repaired… a brick on the well wall fell off and needs to be secured… so again it’s more free for the timing… some may do it right away while others wait and find the time later.  The first day I helped I was a little surprised that I wasn’t going to go back to the construction house to finish my project I was working on the morning… I was able to go back the next day in the morning…but I’m pretty good at construction and it’s something I enjoy and they noticed and added going back to the house on the second day on the second half of the day so I did this and I was able to get quite a bit done having a full day over there.  I was only there for two volunteer days and I’m guessing there’s people who visit that also would have a temporary time visiting.  I wonder if there could be a master list of projects that need to be done… and if someone visits who has a specialty or interest in a specific area they could do these tasks as there main focus to help out with since they don’t have much time with them and it won’t be left for someone else to come and finish who might not know what to do.  I dealt with volunteers at the temple as well and it was definitely tricky to organize and maybe that’ where I’ll look at right now.  

So what type of volunteers came to the temple?  Let’s start with long term first… these are the devotees who want to stay for months to years… the longest devotee other than the founders, builders, owners the husband and wife was a lady who had lived there close to twelve years.  That was not the norm but I feel most want to stay two to ten years possibly.  I guess I’ll go ahead and address that if I was to assist in this property I would reduce the amount of time and give it a limit for a long term volunteer to stay probably up to two years… what I noticed with the 12 year volunteer and honestly the owners… they created a bubble inside the temple grounds and was a bit disconnected to the outside world. I don’t think two years is the only time allowed at the temple… but two years at a time… so say a devotee does devotional work for two years at this temple… we’d ask them to create space from this location… go get some more diverse experience for at least a year maybe before they can return.  I don’t know all the details but yes I’d encourage this community to feel like they have time to share their gifts but also know that their projects are going to continue beyond their presence so encouraging other volunteers being involved so when your time is up the vision will continue.  That was a huge noticeable issue that I saw at the temple was how the founders built their baby, the temple and grounds, and didn’t trust anyone to be able to take care of it as well as they did… and so they’ve been trying to find a manager for at least a decade and hasn’t had any success because they have so many rules and people don’t feel like they have any space to grow.  The founders are now in their early 70s and wanting to rest after 40 dedicated years building this ashram temple… possessiveness and distrust was apparent… which also seems ironic to me since these are key areas of spiritual growth that should be addressed… we hear about nonattachment vs. possessiveness… and we’ve spoken about this in the past but possibly a simple way I can explain this in enlightenment terms which I’ll say human vs the universe… the human wants possessions while the universe wants nonattachment because it doesn’t have a lack mentality that they are the only ones to know what to do to take care of a project… it also knows that it will eventually go through changes and that’s growth as time goes by… so again it just allows space.  And when it comes to trust vs. distrust… the human can distrust while the universe would trust because it understands that this reality is perfection… there’s nothing it needs to be scared of… everything is the Divine and so these seemingly untrustful people we may encounter actually is there to give lessons for us to learn which is a good thing… hehe… any way again…. Doing spiritual work and observing ourselves through this process things start to stick out when dealing with people… again I respect the owners but I also knew that they haven’t traversed through to the Enlightenment phase because much of their embodiment concerns were very human which isn’t Universal which is what happens with we traverse.  I can possibly theorize why I think this is the case… well maybe I’ll go that they hadn’t set up system in their ashram structure that promoted them to stop and take time to develop themselves so they can continue to grow their teachings and again they would be able to see a different structure that could benefit them and the future stewards.    

 

 

Ok… I left to pick up supplies with my pops, but I’m back now… and when I was talking on the road I think I’ve got to narrow down a little more about what I know about this location… there is a few similarities from the ashram temple then this community.  And I know I’ll have some feedback that will help from Utah, but I’d like to wrap my mind with the community I”d like to engage with.  So I went to their website to take a look of what they publicize to the public. So… Lost River Hostel is the entity that I’m familiar with but it is also the under the umbrella of the Lost River Foundation … So right now I feel like I’m going to assume that I can help the founder and the creative of these since this is what I did for the founder at the ashram temple… there were two of them but mainly it was the wife who ran the show and knew what needed to be done and made sure things did get done.  I was able to make it easier for her so she could find time to relax and be more energized and also allow herself to realize the importance of rest… now I couldn’t help myself and imagine the changes I would implement into the community but this is something I did not tell her because she wasn’t looking for suggestions.  So I’m definitely in the unknown zone about this community but again I’m going to be assuming that I’ll help try to troubleshoot to help the founder here too.  So… I’ve already seen a difference between the founders… the founder here in Indiana is all about growth and community… play, rest, creativity is something that comes naturally it seems… so this isn’t where I’ll need to assist.  Where the temple founder only realized at 60 that she wanted to start giving away some of the responsibilities for the temple farm so she can find rest and this space will continue beyond her life in this body… I already see that Indiana founder is taking the steps to share his responsibilities and allow more time for him to focus on other areas of life.  I believe next season will be the first time he’s going to be hiring an executive director.  This position is to hopefully relieve duties he has to do… he wants to enjoy his community more… and I haven’t really discussed anything with him but I’m trying to brainstorm and I’ve got assumptions right now.. but clarity will increase when I actually have that time to share.  But in my head I feel like he’s got a larger vision of community beyond the hostel.  He has a foundation that is building but if he’s so hands on at the property… he has less energy for his creativity to flourish in broader areas… so of course this is his passion and his babies… so it’s not like he wants to remove himself completely… he just wants to find ways to continue to be passionate and creative in these areas.  So how I assume when you’re constantly involved in a project or community… eventually we notice that we might have to get a break and remove ourselves from it so we can regroup and recharge… and that space away seems to have value when returning there’s a bit more of skip in our steps… so that’s what he’s wanting to find.  I mean his hostel is designed for this… when he invites his staff, work traders, and guests to come… it’s to do just this… they’re taking a break from their routine to unwind and regroup and reconnect… well this space has become his routine and so even though it has amazing qualities to support these values… when it becomes a routine then the opposite applies.  Creating space to be able to be energized while at the hostel… not being tied to it which unfortunately can get draining even though its a space you hold so dear.  So I’m sure he’s got many ideas of how to do this… and I’m very interested to hear what he has already.  In fact if he knows then I can just help implement them…but I think I might be able to brainstorm if he’s open to them.  

So I feel something I am going to be looking at would be how to have the hostel be self-sustaining…. Right?  To the point where there doesn't need to be a permanent fixture to have it run and maintain smoothly.  What are the areas the hostel offers?  So there is the (1) staff… it looks like he has a rotating staff that stays at the hostel for three months at a time.  The manager is part of the staff but is assumed to be there for the entire season which is eight months and so their involvement will be more inclusive and broad say compared to the staff that’s there for a third of a season.  The new position of executive director again is part of the staff but increased responsibilities and more of a commitment for now years of building this community.  The next group would be (2) hotel and event guests… they would be staying a night or two to enjoy themselves in the natural landscape in unique housing options… and opportunities for socializing and joining activities with amazing people who draw here.   The last group would be (3) work trade people who can stay up to one week and volunteer in trade of room and board.  

So… where do these people sleep when they are here?  I don’t know the exact numbers but I’m going to do an estimate.  The manager and executive director will have their own space off property but close… I feel like this is a good idea and something I wanted to implement on the temple farm… the longer the commitment to stay the farther from the activities areas to feel like there can be a way to disconnect from “work” and feel like they can rest.  The (1) staff has rooms that they share at the localized and primary farm house.  This is where I do not know how many rooms are available here… I think there are six to seven rooms at the farm house.  This is definitely centrally located… this is the space where everyone goes to eat together… the fire area, the art room, and where we gather to have meetings… this is where most things happen and where things are stored so ideally having them in this area helps secure safety of any items that are shared with the community.  (2) the guests have options and again I don’t have all the exact numbers but I’ve got a round about idea of the numbers… there is two private nests and there seemed to be around six possibly at the nest village (eight), there’s a pop top tree house (nine), the tower… its a two story space that has what… possible three rooms on each floor?  So we’re up to fifteen and then there is one room at the library so there’s about sixteen rental rooms.  (3) work traders… I do not know where they stay… there’s a lot of space for camping so it that where they stay?  I know during the event I went to and even the event I’m going to I opted for the camping option and stayed in my van… but on the map there looks to be large areas of camping available.  So yeah maybe it depends on availability most likely… maybe they allow work traders to stay in rentals if they’re free?  I’m not sure how the system goes… but I could see this as part of the program.  I’m not sure if there are rooms available in the house for work traders or not… I was there six years ago and there were hardly any rooms to rent.. I can only remember the tower being built so… I stayed in the hobbit hole which I had to crawl into at the top of the stairs in the farm house… but I saw that the upstairs was designated to the staff only so I don’t believe this area would be open for work traders.  So I remember hearing that more tree top rentals are wanting to be built and I think the manager’s hut is also wanting to be built.  I’m not sure if there’s going to be more nests or not but I’m assuming so…. There’s around 30 acres and I know that they want to keep a lot of the land, but available housing opportunities I’m assuming is wanted.  So that might be one area that might be missing and could be addressed is the (3) work traders housing… maybe it might be a good idea to offer housing maybe even closer to the camping area to have for the work traders… in my opinion this is a group that could really help build the property.  They’re only allowed to come up to a week but if they’re there to work then that can help get things done around the hostel.  Most of the people that are here are to relax and connect… but possibly we can attract a group that wants to get things done and that could definitely create a balance.  I’m wondering if he has any groups that he’s tied to that draws in volunteers for work?  At the temple farm she used  Workaway International  and WWOOFing to have a steady flow of volunteers who I believed had to have a six week commitment to come and work at the farm for free room and board.  I absolutely love the people I met and of course I loved all the international travelers that came through to be able share with one another about their cultures and I’m keeping in communication with them so hopefully we’ll reconnect somewhere and possibly their home country.  I’m not sure if this is something he would consider since he’s only wanting this group to stay for up to a week.  I wonder if they came through these avenues if he’d allow them to stay up to say a month so they could get some good experience here in the US and actually be able to finish some projects while they are here.  They expect to be working through these avenues and I always seems to talk to the international travelers to try locations that aren’t necessarily the huge cities… to me the magic can be found in rural areas and especially the beauty… not that I’m hating on big cities… this is just an opinion and just a brief one anyway… but this spot here in southern indiana is gorgeous… I mean I’m going to spend two weekends out of four down there because it’s breathtakingly beautiful especially in the fall.  But this is something to talk to him about… I mean I’m always an advocate for Couchsurfers but I’m not sure they would be applicable in this scenario… I mean if I saw this as an opportunity I”d like to do it because I love to volunteer… it has opportunities for great conversations… and when traveling it’d be great to find a spot that will allow you to stay for a week before finding the next location… so yeah… If he’d consider looking at his work trad section maybe this could be adjusted.  I mean… this would be the area I’d be most likely wanting to be a part of.  I don’t want to commit four years… I don’t want to manage people… I don’t want to live in the farm house… but I do want to work and help establish a system to make the property grow and maintained but yeah currently I’d only be available to stay for a week.  And what could I really accomplish in a week?  not much… and to me it looks like there could be several projects that could be looked at to have better structure and have volunteers who would love to share their knowledge and talents.  I mean an example would be their garden… I guess there wasn’t much interest in it so they didn’t have much to yield this season.  I feel like adding wwoofing into the mix there would be opportunity to really get it going and have willing volunteers to make sure it is sustained.  So yeah… what areas of focus will be allocated to each group?  

well…. (2) guests… there focus is to absolutely enjoy their experience so they can spread the word to the friends and family about how special this location is and keep the rentals booked.  (1) the staff excluding the managers could focus on daily tasks that mostly involve maintain the property for exception guest experience.  They are here to connect but also as the hostel is a business… having them focus on say making sure the rental rooms are top notch cleaned up… paths cleared… restrooms cleaned… bathtub and shower areas spotless and working optimally… trash, laundry.. these areas… and (3) work traders can focus on the behind the scenes of building structures and maintaining the farming and land?  I heard of a few projects that might be in the works… remodeling the manager’s house, building more tree top rentals, there’s a cave under the property and at the entrance there’s a large boulder so they’re going to find people for dynamite and an excavator, there’s a billiard space going up in the woods, and I saw there was a theater somewhere… but when I was walking around I didn’t see it… I’ll have to take a look again, but possibly it isn’t completed either.  And just in case he’d go for my idea of being a part of these groups to get more volunteers who are involved with the working background stuff then we might also add in building housing options for these people.  Hmmm… maybe they wouldn’t be in the camping area…. I feel like they would need to be offered WiFi especially when it comes to international travelers because changing sims can be a little troublesome but being closer to possibly the central farm house might be a bit more reasonable so even if they have to walk for WiFi it would be relatively close for them.  Anyway… I could see helping in this area… and possibly finding people who would like to come and specifically build next season… i know I love to build but I haven’t had too much of actually building any of my designs… and I’d love that opportunity.  I’d be able to find people who could be more practical in execution.  I loved being the master carpenter’s assistant… because they had the experience and I just was able to get it done for him while he could rest more as he’s aging.  

lol… so I originally thought I could help out with the events too… maybe that’s what the executive director is supposed to do… but in my gathering I believe the founder is the one who gets and organizes the events and the staff assists on getting them accomplished.  Again…. Possibly something trainable so this is off the founder’s plate… but could open up his creativity to different event options… I mean I feel like there would be so many people who would be attracted to this space and I don’t know what events are held on the calendar but I’ve got many ideas that would be probably out of the norm and I’m also concerned that it might draw larger groups then the space can handle… but they host festivals where most would be camping… but yeah i can help in this area and I have things I’d love to teach if he’s interested… i feel like that was part of what I liked when I was first visiting… It seemed like the staff that was there also had a time where people taught talents they wanted to share… I remember doing a little bit of capoeira in the house…. That was a lot of fun!  Maybe that’s something else that can be offered to the longer term volunteers… assigning them classes to share with the community… and allow the longer term work traders to share as well… there’s so many talented people with diverse interests… it might just spark a new interest in us… but also getting people to try different and new things is always going to assist in growth in all areas of life.  

lol… ok… so I’m going to go back into a little bit of the romantic or maybe more accurately possibly it’s the nurturing side of myself… I remember talking with the founder’s new partner that came to visit.  I really enjoyed meeting her and I remember I thanked her for coming and she didn’t know why because she didn’t think she was doing anything… she thought she should be helping out more… and I said that your big help is just by being here and letting him feel like a man instead of the boss… this can be huge for his and his staff’s moral.  Funny at the temple farm… the founder was a no touching person and I think I was the only one that got a hug from her… they threw a going away party which was super sweet but I had to ask, but she still said yes and allowed me to give her a hug… touching can be healing when appropriate.  And I’d love to be available to do that for him… I don’t know… full body massage each week… oooh maybe a nuru massage… hehe… something to pamper him a bit… I mean… I’d love all of us to get pampered and possibly adding that as part of a thing we all do could be nice to have but yeah… anyway give him opportunities to feel like a man instead of the boss I’m sure could help out… and that’s even being able to take some responsibilities off his plate so he has time to get space away from the hostel to share with his lover’s would have a wonderful impact.  And again… I don’t know the dynamics this was literally observing through what five days of being there…so I’m assuming these things and again… I should get a better idea soon I hope.. and I about forgot to mention that he might also enjoy helping me feel like a woman instead of a shaman as well… If he’s anything like me he enjoys touch, quality attention, and service… and maybe this would be something he’d consider and hopefully enjoy with me

So I’m not sure what he thinks about having some automation going on but I know how much I thought having a temple farm app for the property would be extremely beneficial.  And possibly it might be something that can be implemented here as well… I feel having an area where the work traders go so they can see the projection of what is the vision for the future and current projects that are being executed so they know what they can be doing as they stay… to the point of what equipment should be used and where to find them… I think I mentioned having a game type version so when they return equipment they can get points for returning it to the accurate place… like a bullseye… because no one at the temple farm cleaned up after themselves and then it was wasting time trying to find things.  But inserting videos of how to do things.. and so yeah it doesn’t always have to be someone there watching and getting things for them… empowering them to figure things out on their own… and rate the tasks and some will need more than one person while other tasks could be a solo job.  But this could also let people know who is coming from said groups to volunteer for work they can possibly reserve their spot especially if they’re coming from out of the country… it would be reassuring to guarantee a stay before they arrive.  I meet it could definitely be a place to get to know the upcoming volunteers as well.. it can be a space where people can show the activities going on to past volunteers or current/ past guests… right there was a group page that went on FB for caving.. well I’m sure this could be included in the app for that type of involvement.  I was already thinking of having a community board where people can leave their information but people can setup a profile and say someone happens to be looking to talk to an Ayahuasca shaman… they literally could find me in the data base and know how to get a hold of me… The people are amazing here and so I’d love to chat more and network… open it up to networking without having to always be the middle man… have it easily accessible.  But if we have special classes each day that the staff wants to share with willing participants have a calendar and possibly a sign up so everyone knows how to prepare for them.. and when guests are there they have opportunities to be social, solitary, learning mode… whatever… it allows them more options and gets a better idea of the people who happen to be hosting them… I know I see all the time on the Lost River websites… it’s the people here that really makes this place magical… so giving opportunities for their lights to shine!  I guess more opportunities… having this along with booking might get a few folks to book on specific days… or even get the locals involved to attend these unique classes that continuously revolve… Have people purchase monthly passes or something i don’t know but there’s a new space in the library that they want for concert areas but it could be a great space for classes… I’m not sure how they feel about hosting children classes… but again the opportunities are boundless and constantly changing… and if there’s talent again for people offsite in the local areas maybe offering rental space to host their classes could be something?  Ok… I’m going into my brainstorming phase and I can just keep going but let’s try to arrange a bit more of the broader picture again… 

So what’s the broader picture I’m wanting to share with him?  First of all he’s just attractive… he’s attracted my attention and I want to explore this.  Again I originally thought about asking him to join my interests as well… that takes time to get to know him and feel where he’s at and if he’s open to it or not.  So I’m still in my observation phase… I have a really strong feeling about him and I can observe him from online… and even go and visit for a few days at a time with possibly leaving in a short stent here in Indiana… or I can really get the chance to observe him by partnering up and see what we can discover in a year together… normally it takes time for people to get to know me and my potential as well… I mean I can make a great first impression but the depth starts to show through time.  I know many of the devotees and the founders would’ve loved for me to stay and manage… but their requirements on me wasn’t things I was willing to change.  So I figure it’s just not the time to take those steps yet… they need more time to see the larger vision I have by connecting the globe… hehe… which is already connected but in a more tangible way… but that takes time for me to discover as well… but many don’t understand what the effects of Enlightenment are and these are things that are hard to explain… but through observation through time… things start to stand out that seems quite different then using just our human mind… we tap into Universal… but actually once you’ve crossed over… you are in Universal mind most of the time… and increasing this awareness is learned quite quickly.  People enjoy my company and they also seem to enjoy how they make them feel but they just assume I’m just a nice person with loving energy to share… but I think there’s more to it and it’s the authenticity and ease of life I live regardless if people might say the hardships the challenges… it just doesn’t affect in the same manner… and being in this state is not designated to a select few… it’s available for us all… I know I’m going around finding the few… hehe…but that’s because some are ready now… and so I’d like to focus majority of energy for these few… but doesn’t mean I don’t support everyone else… I just don’t have much of lack of time going on right now… when the time is ready…we’ll meet up.. and it feels like he’s ready, but I’m always hopeful and so spending time with me will give me a deeper understanding and he happens to have already established interested that I share and so I know I gain more opportunities to develop my skills further in a short amount of time.  I seem to be quite a quick learner… and I’m looking forward to how different my world will be after a year in this partnership.  But hopefully in that year he might better understand what I’m also trying to create.  And possibly it would be up his alley as well… but he also might not have the desire to expand globally… and that’s what we can find out.  

So I feel like I’m going to be getting off here soon… but I’ll go back to my original questions… what am I waiting for?  So I figured since the hostel only has one month left before it closes for the winter and that I’d just have to wait until the spring to assist… but really I could see I can start right away… I’m not sure what that looks like at this point but I feel like I can get a better idea once we chat.    Ok that’s good for me… until next time… thank you

[withinUverse]

Okie dokie now… lol… so I’m here at the hostel and let’s just say I didn’t start off so smooth liked I”d hope, but it was good… but I’ll go ahead and start from before I got here… so what happened… I did all the packing of clothes and the van to head on out… it takes about three hours and I needed to stop by my aunt’s place to pick up a pineapple cookie recipe that my dad has been wanting.. it’s their mother’s recipe and he’s been talking about them forever and I reached out to get it since I’ve been in the baking mood.  My childhood girlfriend wanted me to message here before I left to give me encouragement… hehe… and what did I say… let’s see. “I’ll be heading out soon… I’m really calm and collected and confident ❤️ I’ll get ahold of you when I get back.  Tell (her daughter) and (daughter’s boyfriend) thanks again for the wigs and I hope everyone enjoys Halloween.  Love you!”  So yes that’s how I felt when I left and through the drive.  I arrived and it was pretty quiet here with no active bodies I could see… so I wanted to walk around the property.  Last time I was here I didn’t walk the labyrinth, check out the theater, or walk the arrow path… and so I took a few pictures and some video footage… I felt like I was thinking of ideas already for storytelling artwork and it was nice to get different angles that I didn’t capture from last time.  The scenery is different as well… the ground is covered in all the wonderful colors of fall and it has been raining off and on today so was trying to capture the moisture and the changes of colors from the last time here.  It started to rain when I was on the arrow path and when it started to pick up heavier… I decided to go back to the farmhouse and see where people are at.  I had been thinking about playing the piano again.. I love they have an instrument area that’s open for anyone to use… so last  time I was here when I was about to leave I started playing the piano.  At first I saw the manager was on there practicing and I noticed he wasn’t reading music… he was using Youtube and it was something similar to like a game… what is it called… oh guitar hero… and I thought well that seems like fun.  I wouldn’t have to try to remember sheet music which is always the case when I run into a piano that’s open to play.  And also the night before I left a young man arrived who is an absolutely amazing pianist so it was easy to be inspired to go ahead and jump onto the keys and give it a try.  So it was the sound of silence that I ended up playing it’s the easy version however it does use both hands which is what i wanted.  In 24 hours I got pretty comfortable with it.. and so I wanted to see if I could remember any of the sequences since it’s been two weeks ago… it was rough the first go at it, but then I started picking up again.  But I didn’t want to be here alone playing the piano if everyone was somewhere working and so I messaged the founder and asked if everyone’s working or is it relaxation time… he said it’s very slow at the moment but he’s at the manager’s house which is where the remodel is taking place… so I went over to help.  He was the only one working.. and everything was fine… it was good to see him and there is a little storage area or possibly the once utility closet.. I’m not sure what exactly when on or what’s going on currently but I did some of the installation of the walls and now they are laying down flooring.  So I didn’t do much because I was literally babbling most of the time and that’s where I’m leading to was what I had witnessed in myself which again wasn’t as smooth as I liked… but I was able to sweep up some of the dirt and dust and use cleaner to pick up the dust so the floor adhesive would hold better.  And so… our conversation began… of course these should be simple questions and simple answers… but maybe because I was a bit uncertain how anything is going to play out I felt like I just jumped into the questions and they didn’t end up being simple at all… hehe… ok I can admit that I was a bit nervous?  I also wanted him to get a better idea of who I am and so i didn’t want to answer the question how are you as… ohh… I’m good… you?  So I was telling him that I”m excited about my life and find myself very passionate about it… seems like things are lining up for me to understand what I can be working on right now.  He encouraged me to continue and go deeper if I would like but if it’s a secret than it’s not a problem… and transparency is the ongoing practice and so I led in that I had applied for a proposal with National Geographic’s for their storytelling grant.  So I’m already learning how to be a better storytelling through writing in the Journal, and I create short videos, and now I’m working on storytelling through art because I would like to add art into my life more often than it has been and so it’s been fun learning how to use the digital art program I found I can use my finger instead of a stylus.  So… he asked what’s the story that I’m trying to tell and I said well I have an interesting life and it’s my story and I primarily work with Enlightenment and hoping to find research into this.  And so he replied with two points from his understanding…   People who are drawn to this area of study begin to understand that they know nothing and that there’s is not an authority over their understanding.  Which was brilliant in my opinion which makes me happy that he has this understanding.  I said that I felt like I was the only one talking so it’s his turn… what’s going on in his world at the moment.  He said he’s super happy with all the things… he said that there’s a million things that has equal priority in his life that he wants to do, but he only has time to do half a million… he needs to do some gardening but he hasn’t been good at it… so he plans to disappear for a week and not talk to anyone so he can get his thought aligned.  With the season about to close.. of course that would be beneficial for him and highly recommend he should do just that… hehe.  And so far… things are good… he asked what about Enlightenment have I experienced that would shock him.  And I said that it will sound unusual and maybe a bit absurd but it’s something that cannot be explained unless we’ve gone through it to get an understanding… but I said that I have experienced not being human.  He automatically said something to the sorts of… oh ok yeah.  At this time the manager came out of the house and was saying hello and making sure we didn’t need to use the restroom any time soon because he’s going to take a bath… and we said that we’re both fine.  And so I turned back to the founder and chuckled… what do you mean ok yeah… what does this mean to you?  And he said that he’s never really identified as human but hasn’t identified as anything else either.. but these bodies are just temporary.  He sees us returning back to where we came and that we would have a karmic cycle whatever that looks like… and my response was when it comes to something that I haven’t experienced then it’s just thoughts and I can think and imagine many thoughts and many scenarios… but I prefer to understand what I’ve been able to experience because that’s where I learn more of what we are.  By the way there are moments of silence going on while we’re doing this… and again he’s mostly doing the work at this time I did grab the flooring so he can cut and install but after I cleaned and grabbed the boards… I wasn’t doing much help.  But I was definitely engaged in the conversation fully.  So I was trying to see what his definition of human was but he wasn’t sure what I was trying to ask.  And so it wasn’t a good questions but what I can say when I say I have experienced human how I try to explain it is… the human comes with this body..and with this body we experience thought, emotions, using our senses with these bodies…and memories and context.  In this experience all of this was gone.. during the experience I didn’t even realize any of this it wasn’t until the human condition came back to me that I realized all of that was missing… and he asked if this is something that happens multiple times while in Aya ceremonies and I said it’s only been the one.  And then he said if Aya is the only thing that will get us to experience it and I said no… it’s said that the practice of Buddhism and Hinduism can also achieve these results but I’m pretty sure there are many ways to get there.  It was such a profound experience that I’ve been spending the last three years observing myself to understand the transformation that has happened.  I said that no one tells you what happens…and if they did I didn’t read any scripture to know.. but I forget his words but what’s the fun in that I think is what he said… and precisely… it wouldn’t be fun at all and I much rather learn through my experience to gain the benefits of depth that I’ve been understanding.  

 

So again… this is shamana mode and I’m very comfortable in this position and this is what I do with anyone willing to have conversation with me.  It might not look exactly like this… but again… very good and loved how receptive he was but also understood a bit more of what he’s been learning as well… so what made me start to squirm?  He asked a direct and simple answer… I could have had a direct and simple answer but again fluffing it off and being secretive isn’t how I roll these days.  So he asked what am I currently learning now?  And I admitted that I learn frequently lately while in the back of my mind I’m like holy shit… I know exactly what I”m learning but I was trying to figure out other areas that I’m learning about but it’s obvious my relationship to sexuality is what I”m working on right now.  And as I’m saying this.. was like holy shit am I going to be confessing everything I’ve been thinking of right now… the first conversation we have together… and of course I cannot keep this inside of my head… I’m speaking this out loud to him… and he’s trying to make it a safe space and adding humor to get me to relax and I see this but I also am feeling how I’m responding in the moment.  So I knew I was going to tell him most of what’s going on… but if there’s room for me to keep a little back specifically when it came to him… then I’ll attempt to do this… spoiler alert… I failed at keeping it to myself but it did take to the end of the conversation before I just let him know… and couldn’t believe how semi-resistant I was of getting to the point.. lol 

 

 

ok… I’m going to take a little break.. I already went out to take a smoke break and loved on one of the cats here.. and when I got back in a sweet young girl who is a staff member used the inside of the pumpkin and asked if I’m feel creative and if I would like to carve a pumpkin since it’s the last chance to do it… it’s Halloween today after all… so I’m going to go ahead and do that.  So I’m going to go ahead and finish this for now and see if I get back on afterwards… until next time 

[withinUverse]

Good morning… it’s still a dark sky out and the stars are out.  I got up to use the restroom and I grabbed a. Smoke and when I was taking a break I saw a shooting star… it’s been awhile since I’ve noticed one.  I was sleeping and it’s a bit cool out and so Ididn’t want to get out of the bed in the back of the van but I was thinking about the community app… so before I forget I wanted to record the few thoughts that I was thinking about.  So this app that I”m thinking about is going to help each individual property however, I can see that it can be linked to a larger data base so the content from one property is recorders and seen in essence on all platforms.  

So as an example last night I was carving the pumpkin and of course I start to think about making it all fancy but it’s a tiny pumpkin and I was getting tired so I just made a face and the mouth had a part of the logo of the property here… but when she used the inside of the pumpkin she placed it in her vegetarian curry… and wanted to give it a twist and also more aligned with the season… it was delicious and we had a great conversation together.  In fact last time I was here it was hard for me to find a connection with her… we spoke briefly and we did a little volunteer work at the manager’s house together alone and so there was some connection that started but it’s obvious this time that she’s more open to conversation even though she does admit she’s a woman of few words and doesn’t necessarily talk a lot about herself.  Well she was able to share and it was nice to get more than three words out of her.  But there are a few things that I can gather from our conversations which I’m thinking I’d like to find a way to apply to the app.  So we were talking about not having the best time making resumes and that we are both better at in person conversation and that many times the resume doesn’t really focus on what our skills are many times its years of experience… but sometimes that doesn’t always look impressive in a resume style format… of course this was our opinion.. and many can probably do this for themselves in a resume format but this is something we found to be true with each other.  And also when I was speaking to her about her exploration in cooking it was fun to hear her express herself how she’s not afraid to experiment with spices and feeling her way into the ingredients she ends up using for the dish.  I feel this would be great information to be able to share with people in this app possibly.  So we’re about to start this intention convention and intentional having conversations where we find snippets of who someone is would be great to record… I as the person that is giving say a recommendation have to find the words that would express my experience that I feel would be good for the collective to know about someone… and the someone who is receiving these comments also gets a better idea of what people find valuable in them.  Now I know we don’t need validation but sometimes in our lives its nice to hear confirmations… and I”m guessing it would be a mix of what we can say are positive and negative comments but isn’t that helpful to know.  Sometimes we’re so close to ourselves that people may perceive something that we’re blind to.  And constructive criticism isn’t a bad thing… but it could possibly give an opportunity for feedback as well. Hmmm… in the van I was thinking about their gratitude circle.  Each night they try their best to get together and give gratitude… yesterday was more on the unusual side because everyone was more of like on a restful osolitary state.  But when the founder and I got back he was telling me again it’s going to be a slow and quiet night so most likely we won’t have a group gratitude circle or dinner together.  But he said we can have our own little circle.  Of course I’m grateful for many things but specifically after having the conversation I had… I was grateful that he was inquisitive enough to ask penetrating questions that allowed me to be more transparent of where I am and what I”m working with and how he has an intuitive nature of curiosity which I’m grateful for… and I also said I was grateful for myself for not being too shy and avoiding an opportunity to express myself even though I wasn’t comfortable in sharing at first.  So I thought maybe thee could be an opportunity for people to give out gratitude points to people they meet in these communities.  So yesterday because most of my engagement were with these two individuals I”d be able to give out two gratitude points to them and also get the chance to explain why I”m grateful to have shared this experience with them.  Not only will we be able to see how the current community finds value in sharing their company for a period of time but maybe we can also have general categories that also can be linked to each individual where again maybe there are icons or just a list of qualities that are repetitive in interactions that can be seen on a persons profile without having to dig deep into their profile to find.   

 

I took a break because I’m sitting in the art room which is in sun room patio area enclosed in windows and it’s nice to see the change of darkness to the morning sunrise.  there’s a fog surrounding the property and I can hear the birds chirping and it was a nice moment to share… but let’s continue on 

 

So in this app… again when I was thinking about specific properties I thought it could be a way to record volunteer hours.  So I’m not certain what the required hours of work here at this property but for the ashram temple farm she required 24 hours of work for the week.  Most of the time volunteers would work for four hours in the morning and have the afternoon off for themselves and they would work for six days with one day off.  Before I moved onto property I wanted to figure out where I could help the founder of the temple with her schedule.  It was winter when I arrived there and I had heard she would love more time in her art room and she’s an amazing painter who was taught classical Indian painting and her artwork is everywhere in the temple and they’re remarkable.  I know how valuable art is in my life and how many benefits I get from having more time to dedicate to this part of me and so I wanted to allow her more time for this, but again it’s up to her what she does with this time.  I also knew that the ashram aspect of the temple was calling to me as well and I wanted much more solitary time and so we agreed that I could put in longer hours in fewer days so I could get more days of rest away from everyone.  And I needed that especially when I first arrived this is how i found out about the National Geographic’s grant and was able to apply.  I was also very well rested and able to take on social and physical activities in a much more receptive manner.  And when I found that I had more energy to share I would work a few hours on my days off too… because I enjoyed contributing… I did a lot of tours while I was there and this also fell under her responsibilities and as she saw I was more involved and had more energy it wasn’t a problem for her to ask me specific times to come on my days off to assist with these areas.  I’ve also been looking into the requirements of hosting on workaway.  They too had a similar structure of expectation for the host and it’s guests and possibly how the temple came to it’s arrangements for the time requirement.  So… maybe that can be implemented into the structure of the app… some of us enjoy contributing in different ways.. and allowing us to record the hours of volunteer work would allow the founders or managers to see that they are in fact not taking advantage of the property’s hospitality but also I’m not sure recording hours really tells the value of their presence.  I’m not sure if I’m going to be wording this properly but yeah when I was talking about the resume keeping a record of time to show some type of experience gained in areas… but it doesn’t relay the quality of work… but I do know you’re supposed to express rewards and such but I’ve worked in many diverse positions encountering many diverse people.. and the range is huge.  I guess a way I can explain it is… say when I was a dance instructor… many people would ask my how long I had been dancing… first of all that was hard to answer because I had been dancing since I learned how to move…hehe… it was quite natural but I knew they were asking more specifically about ballroom dancing since that was what I was teaching.  I would let them know and I really wondered what the amount of years would let them know?  There were instructors who started the same time as I did… but the degree of competence in dance wasn’t evident by the amount of time we could say we shared.  There was context of history that couldn’t be determined from these numbers and in fact many students wouldn’t believe that I hadn’t had many more years than what I expressed.  Some had been dancing far longe that myself and they couldn’t understand why ther was a difference in ability level.  The easiest answer I would explain is that the years didn’t disclose the hours of dedication.  Students would range from dancing from three hours a week to 20 hours a week… but as a teacher we were putting in close to 40 if not 60 hours of dance a week because we absolutely immerse ourselves into it and deeply want to learn and better understand our passion of say dance in this example.  So let’s use some extremes numbers here so someone could have a year worth of dance but only danced 3 hours a week of 52 weeks of the year so 150 hours of dedication compared to say someone who dedicated 40 hours in 52 weeks… 2080 hours in the same year.  Technically they’ve only danced a year but there’s a drastic difference in the amount of intention that went into to learning this craft.  In fact how many weeks did it take the second person to hit the 150 hours?  Hehe… In one month they had already put in 160 hours… so in their mind they could technically say that the first person only put in a month of dedication in the year they’ve danced… right?  Well… I’m trying to use that as an example with recording hours of experience… the degree of intentionality should have some type of measure as well.  I’m not sure at this time what or how to do this but I’ve also noticed when I’m working a 40 hour work week at a location… my 40 hours don’t have the same results as someone else.  And working with more attention and intention and desire can have the same results in a shorter amount of time than someone else.  I know we understand this but again I”m trying to figure out how to record this in the app so again people and communities can gain a better understanding of who we are and if we are going to share time together that we have a better idea even though experience in sharing will reveal far more than the theory of who someone is before they arrive on property.  There’s many factors in play here and how to collect data to give a bigger picture would be something I’d like to work on.  I was just thinking of my childhood girl friend and her dealing with her disabilities at this time.  She’s not confident in say walking right now.  Because she’s in this state I could imagine that she feels like she wouldn’t be able t o contribute much to volunteering because of physical restraints… but I find so much value when sharing time with her and it doesn’t involve her being physically capable.  A value of a person isn’t necessarily determined by the hours of work that’s being recorded.  

 

Ok food for thought to dive into deeper.  I’m wanting to get ready for the day and possibly get in a little piano time before the day starts.  We’re going to get a better idea of how the weekend is going to be structured.  I think tomorrow we have dedicated workshops that is going to be more structured while other times it’s more sporadic and possibly perceived as chaotic.  The founder is getting prepared to manage powerful personalities and energies and so allowing us to better know what he plans on doing will help us see where we can help out in areas.  So yeah… I think that’s good for now… so… until next time… enjoy! 

[withinUverse]

Wowzers… ok… so I had an amazing time at the event this weekend and there seems to be so much that’s running through my mind at this time.  Hehe… I have some work to do but I felt like I should start writing before I dive back into it.  So how do I begin?  I guess I’ll start with the moment of bliss that I had during the event… not that the entire time was fabulous.. but there was a break through moment and I’ll start with that.  So there’s some context that I’ll give to set things up.  This hostel that I’ve been going to the events seems to have an energy that allows for a safe space which is pretty normal for a location, but what’s really special is the people who are here.  I am noticing myself letting loose a bit more.  I seem to enter a space and observe to see how far I can open up with the people I’m with.  I understand there are different levels of consciousness we could say and so some environments are a bit more open compared to others.  So I have been noticing myself feeling out this space.  I guess a good example of this… is I went a few days earlier to help out and so technically I was a staff member at this time… and I was doing jobs and such like laying floor tiles and cleaning out the compost toilets.. so I was technically working as a staff member however… it didn’t really dawn on me until Saturday night… my awareness noticed a shift in me where… holy shit.. I am a team member for this hostel… hehe.. I’m trying to explain something that is subtle.  But again during the event I was doing the duties asked from me… I was one of the note takers for the meetings, cooking and cleaning for our guests.  But after we had a drum circle where I’ll get to in awhile which was my break through moment… but there were guests who needed assistance with their rooms and questions… and I started to see myself actually shifting into team mode without anyone asking me to do so.  There actually were two staff members inside that I could’ve asked to help… but I just started to do it myself and most things I didn’t know how to do.. like looking at the computer system to check people in and see what rooms are available.. yes… I just hadn’t got to these types of positions yet because there’s normally staff who is there doing it… but I started to get into the nurturing mode.. and felt like these guests aren’t just the hostel’s guest, but they became my guest and I wanted to help them to the best of my ability… and I also noticed since I didn’t know too many details about the procedures and where all the rooms are and their names… so I felt like I was doing my best but I can definitely learn more to do better next time.  But yes… I could see areas where I was still wanting to be an outside observer with this space.  I feel like I was really trying to see who really am I working with… do their values align with my values?  And so again… it felt like I started to notice and allow myself to get in deeper with this community.  It’s really interesting also because I usually can express myself openly and honestly; however… I’ve been noticing moments where I still have hesitancy and this place will help me with this.  Everyone seems to be very receptive without initial judgements and just a safe space… I don’t want to have to decipher if each space is ok to express openly and I can see me gaining more experience while I’m here.  And I can see this becoming a part of who I am… and I understand that I’ve been working on this already and I’ve seen improvements.. I just notice the potential to expand in this area will definitely increase here.  There is a shift of not playing small any longer.  I can feel myself not wanting to play this game any longer.  And I’m ready to embody this in a much deeper and consistent way.  

So… I’ve been playing instruments since I came to the hostel and I absolutely adore the fact there are available instruments to play with.  We have head and heart morning meetings and part of this is saying our daily personal ambitions.. and on Saturday I said I wanted drumming to be my personal ambition.  The communities that came to this event actually are very familiar with drum circles around the fire… and I was hoping to get one going that night.  I started to seed this idea during our break where I needed my own space since it’s a very social event.  But I grabbed a djembe went to a picnic table away from the group to just practice drum beats I’ve learned.  I wish I could remember more of the rhythms but there seems to be three that stand out and the others I’d have to look up the recording to remember… but anyway… I wanted to seed the drum… Before dinner I was asking questions about events with drum circles and said it would be nice to get one started tonight… one participant said that her husband will be more then likely will want to participate.  He had arrived later and I hadn’t had anytime to share any time with him.  He actually cooked all the guests an Indian dinner which was delicious… I was talking with one of the staff members about possibly grabbing some instruments and bringing them to the fire circle… but I think we got shy and decided to not do it at that moment.  It started to get late and many were already heading back to their space to rest… and then the husband came outside to the fire with a steel drum.. I was like Yesss, finally… he played in the background as people shared conversations.. and finally I approached him and asked if I could play along with him?  He was very open to it and so I grabbed another steel drum and sat next to him.  Now I have played this style of drum before, but still very new.  So I asked if he could give me a few tips… and he said that I can just focus on the heart beat… always remember the heart beat.  And so we had a steady slow heart beat and I was hitting the other tones to hear the sounds to compliment the bass heart beat… and he was playing easily next to me.. and I had to remember the heart beat… as I started to experiment more… hehe… I had to keep remember the heart beat… and for the most part I was doing well but missed the beat too..hehe… but then there was marijuana that was being passed around the circle.  Normally it’s an automatic no for me since I passed out four times last time I tried and slept for six hours in the middle of the day because it just didn’t mix well with my chemistry… but there is a specific situation that I seem to find that I do enjoy participating.  I said… ok… one… I am staying where I’m smoking… so if I need to sleep or pass out… then I can just walk to my bed and I can sleep.. so the setting was here.  And the second requirement would be having an instrument in my hands.  I don’t smoke marijuana anymore but from time to time I try to see if I can still do it because in the past I was an avid smoker and thought I wasn’t normal without it… but that was different substance then it is now… but when I’m playing instruments… my mind stops over thinking and it seems like I start to play music very naturally and as if I’ve been practicing with the instrument that’s in my hands at the time.  I remember I found Shwag in Cusco and I found a guitar in my hands… which again I’ve had opportunities to play but nothing extensively… and normally playing rhythm on the guitar is challenging only when I’m not smoking shwag… when I smoked it… it seems like I’m just very comfortable and it comes very natural and I sound harmonious with the instrument… even though it’s not complex.. the simplicity I can find at these moments are quite blissful.  Last time I was in Indiana I found myself drumming at a friend’s place and again I smoke with him… and by the way I want to let you know what smoke means to me… I take a hit… and mostly a half a hit…lol.. I don’t take much in because it doesn’t take much for me to feel it and also I’m not trying to numb out so yes a half a hit is what I enjoy if I can sleep and create music… but while together we had an amazing drums session together… I mean even his high school son ended up coming out of his room to join us on his drum kit… and it was so awesome!  The only thing about this past occasion I had to drive back home and I remember getting lost and driving extremely under the influence and I hated it.  But back to the story… I went ahead and took the half hit and it did just that… allowed me to surrender to the experience without doubt but filled with curiosity.  

So yes… I just started to get far more into the drumming… it seemed like I found a rhythm and then everyone started to sync around that… at first it was just the husband and I …. And then we had someone come in with a smaller djembe… and then more and more grabbed instruments and joined in… and it was wonderful… once people got the beat and was able to keep with it… I started to experiment and  explore and it felt effortless to do this… and that heart beat was there in my mind but I didn’t have to keep it with the drum at all times… I could hear all of the space to play and then return back to it.  I could feel everyone really getting into the same zone… I started to notice people dancing along to the music… I have played in drum circles before and it doesn’t seem that everyone’s on the same page.  To me many times it seems like there are people who are tying to play with one another but then we’ll also get the ones that don’t hear the community drummers and they just start playing their own thing which isn’t as harmonious then trying to compliment everyone around them.  That’s actually why I joined a drum troupe last time I was here… because I wanted to be harmonious with a team of drummers… and this was more structured where each song has around six different rhythms created to work together… and so it was easy to feel like you’re a part of the team… and it felt really good to be working together with everyone in the drum circle… but this night… this was the first time i was sitting with a group of drummers and players who I hadn’t met before this event… and everyone was trying to cooperate with one another… and not only was it harmonious… I mean it really could’ve been a song… it felt so good to be a part of this.  I started to get excited and I felt everyone else was getting excited as well… and so we continued.  The second round I was listening to the new beat that was being created… it didn’t start right away… but yeah you could feel everyone trying to find how they were going to be a part of the new song… and then all of a sudden… I started to hear the connecting music in my mind… I started to hummm… and I tried to play the music I was hearing with the drum but it wasn’t coming out the way I was hearing it.. and so I stopped drumming and started to sing the rhythm instead… it was absolutely fucking amazing… I didn’t have lyrics.. but just sounds of rhythms that seemed to bond the drum beats together… I hadn’t have that happen to me before… I mean when I’m in Aya ceremonies… I have had this experience where I just know how to sing… I feel Ike it comes out so naturally that I don’t notice any steps to get to that comfort level.. I guess there are times where I’m more exploring with my voice and so I do see playing with the sounds… but in these past situations… it was just my song… i guess I have tried to sync with my shamans Icaros as well but not as successful as it was this Saturday night… It was just different… I hadn’t experienced it before but it just came out of nowhere and I do want to thank for the safe space for me to participate in smoking which is rare thing… but this substance helps me to stop overthinking when playing music and I loved it… and a little after I was singing the rhythms… the husband’s wife said she has a chant that she could teach me…and I told her that I’m already in my zone.. if you want to join us, please feel free to do so… and shortly after… she started to sing with us… oh my god!  We were making a song and it was so satisfying and blissful… I’m getting goosebumps just by thinking of it… She has a beautiful voice and I cannot wait to be able to get together again and see how this harmony develops.

I was buzzing and continued to buzz until the next morning… however it was after the drum circle that I started to feel like I was a hostel family member.  I noticed checking in with people before I went to bed… and when I woke I was checking on the ones I ran into to see how their experience is going.  I took a soak in the tub and I was trying to do this quickly because I was trying to make our morning head and heart meeting.  People wanted to visit with me and I wanted to enjoy a moment and finally I was afraid I was going to be late… and I was a few minutes late… we happened to have the meeting out on the roof this morning… I’m buzzing and filled with bliss and gratitude and curiosity to what the near future is going to bring… and I sit down and start to listen to what is being discussed… the founder was sharing and he seemed to be cumbersome… he’s going through a separation with his core partner… his nest partner… and I was like holy hell… what did I just walk into?  There was a heaviness in his posture and voice… it seemed like he wasn’t prepared for this extent of exchanging their belongings back from one another… He was telling us that he planned on taking a week off once the hostel closes for the winter, but he’s going to take a few days off now so he can handle the exchange and emotional work that goes into situations like this and time to process this gravity on him.  He finished with hope and positivity but it hadn’t reached his heart yet… it felt like his mind knows things will work out eventually but his heart hurts and wasn’t ready to get over it.. but feeling the need to express and digest and process and however long that will take… I’m not certain a few days will be enough time to go through this weight… I’m sure it will be lighter to some degree… but definitely not floating.  A few other family members weren’t feeling the best either… and it made me think maybe I shouldn’t be so happy then… again.. maybe I should dim my light just in case it’s not easy to handle when feeling down.  I decided I wasn’t going to not be grateful and express how much the drum circle did a breakthrough for me somehow… it was expressed in a more calm and collected manner instead of overflowing with excessive energy. The founder was able to get a little time to talk with us personally before he left and we had a good conversation… but yes… I’m just happy I was able to give him a comforting hug… he admitted that he’s a delayed processor… right now he cannot get out of the need to be the collected boss and director… he can wait to allow himself that time to process… and I understand this… I think I’m going to switch into my observations when it comes to my romantic feelings that have been bubbling up when I’m with him.  I’ve been able to process quite a bit, but I feel like I’d like to see if there is something I’m missing as well because there’s just so much activity I’m processing and so many spotlights on growth that I’d like to focus in this area right now… because I know this is something I’ve been wanting to work on and I”m finally get that change to observe myself to see what messages I can gain to guide me.  

So… how do I start?  Well… the last time I wrote I mentioned how much I was squirming… I mean that was a huge indicator of something new in my awareness that I’m not comfortable with because it just doesn’t happen… hehe… ok… so this has given me an understanding of the true attraction level I have for him.  I don’t find myself talking with other people.. I might even be talking about my sexuality with others and I don’t squirm… it’s as if it’s quite normal to talk about my sexuality because its something that might seem like an intimate situation talking about it… but there isn’t a potential to have an experience to dig deeper into my relationship to sexuality.  I can recall when I was on that date night… I told him about this and I remember I wasn’t squirming when I was with the date.  I feel in my subconscious it knew I wasn’t wanting to build something deep with this encounter… it was more of like an experiment to see how I was going to behave instead of approaching it as if it was something I was going to be committing to depth.  I already stated that it felt like it was a performance and it wasn’t a natural curiosity of not caring where it leads just pure exploration… I was in my head trying to figure out how I should be performing for this person.  I also had another conversation with a participant at the event which led to talking about working on my sexual relationship and he had asked me if I wanted to join him in a sensual meditation together that night.  I immediately asked him what that would involve?  He attempted to explain and all of a sudden I interrupted him and said… wait… I don’t want to know?  I’ve been saying recently that I don’t want expectations or a destination when it comes to learning about my sexuality… I would much prefer to go in without having to hear expectations.  I apologized for interrupting but I’m trying to make changes and I just caught myself going in a repeated pattern.  He looked at me and said this is not the first time you’ve corrected yourself in front of me… it’s so refreshing to actually witness you doing active work in the middle of a sentence.  It’s really aspirational.  We continued our conversation and we didn’t have a sensual meditation together.  It was in the back of my mind as a possibility which I am curious to see where it would have led.. but I’m understanding that my body didn’t react in a manner of depthness that I’m looking for.  It was only when I was with my potential romantic partner… when I was talking with him… that’s where I saw my body and mind squirming to try to be confident in the conversation which wasn’t as easy as it usually is when I’m talking to people.  Again this doesn’t happen to me… and so it was quite obvious that this was different.  Observing myself I was in a bit of shock of wondering why it’s so challenging for me to talk about topics that doesn’t seem to be challenging to talk about… why with him?  It’s because we have an actual possibility to build depth with one another.  This is out of my comfort zone… and it’s hard to explain because this is what I do with everyone I meet… but this vulnerableness that I’m trying to express is far deeper then the degrees I’ve already been able to develop… I’m excited but also hesitant… hehe… at least I thought I would be hesitant but I’ve been finding I cannot sugar coat or avoid or distract when I’m speaking with him.  We started our conversation with Enlightenment work and found reassured of the measure of Spiritual work he’s been able to reach thus far… and in this situation it was more on the lines of professional work… this is what I do and I talk about and gaining more confidence in speaking this way with everyone regardless of whom I’m speaking with.  This is what I do and I take it seriously and I understand that this is a way to allow people to understand who I am and what I’m all about.  But then he asked me what am I working on right now?

And then the hesitation came… and the overthinking came..and the squirming came… Integrity is what I’m becoming and I could see myself asking if I should just do a roundabout way of answering the question… because I was uncertain how far I would express myself… I didn’t expect to tell him that I’m attracted to him within the first few hours of arrival.  I figured I needed more time to observe him to validate to myself that he is someone I’m attracted to and make more calculated steps to approach this with him.  Again… if I wasn’t really interested in building a deeper relationship with him… I wouldn’t have had the hesitation and just express my relationship to sex is a huge lesson I’m working on right now.  But there’s something about him that my soul is recognizing and so the squirming about was quite present.  I see that I don’t want to have mundane conversations where growth is not happening… so I can say that I could’ve brought up areas that aren’t deep... just mention easy topics to talk about… but it was quite obvious that I couldn’t do this and no matter how much that my thought that this is an option… there was nothing in my mind except to talk about my sexuality… there was no room in my mind to come up with any other idea… because this is the profound lesson that is strongest in my reality at this time… and damn it… reality likes to push me into areas of uncomfortableness to communicate where I am and is confident that I can process and make the necessary changes to allow myself to stop getting in my own way.  If I continue to delay and observe with him… is just getting in the way… let him know there’s an attraction that is present… I let him know far better through the squirming by not being able to look at him.. I was looking at the trees and talking to them.. I was a mess… which demonstrated more communication then I did with my words.. but yes I was able to get it out without grace present… hehe… and he could see me blushing the entire time… Honestly I think he really enjoyed me in this squirmish state… it was honest and raw… i think he appreciated to see how I approach conversations with him.  I appreciate it too but didn’t think or guess this was how it was going to unfold.  So… I guess he’s going to know that I’m attracted to him from the start… so there’s no way for me to be smooth after this display… hehe

So… what else did I notice being around him?  Well… I noticed that we don’t get times alone together which actually stopped me from be squirmish around him the whole time.  In fact i could definitely see the potential of how well we can work together in a professional manner… I like trying to explain how I like to be the surgeon’s assistant when I’m working with bosses… anticipating their needs and getting it for them to be successful and efficient… I enjoy being the right hand man… so far work wise… I seem encouraged.  But let’s explore this a little more… because there are definitely rules set in place that doesn’t seem so easy for me to be in alignment with right off the back… I know most of this will stem from me not being a part of this community for a period of time… I’ve got a lot of freedom from my day to day and so there’s adjustments to make to be able to work in his system.  So what am I talking about?  So… I didn’t demonstrate punctuality well during this event… which is funny because I feel like I’m fairly decent with this… but again this might be in part that I wasn’t knowing that I was allowing space to be separate from the hostel family… but I feel like I had to apologize three times for being late… and two of them was due to taking a soak in the tub.  Soaking in a tub gives me so much benefits and I will continue to do this for my self-care, but scheduling it better so I have time to make it on time.  I hardly use a watch.  I don’t have a phone and I carry around my iPad but time doesn’t usually play a huge role in my life.  The system uses FB chat where they are communicating often to one another… I mean all of the time to me it seems because I rarely have that much engagement in this style.  Right when I’m working at a location of with someone… I’m there with them and I try to remove as many distractions as possible to be present with Reality.  I enjoy being intentional and focused… I can give quality contribution in this manner and I understand that I won’t lose this quality… I just understand that I’m going to have to make adjustments to be in this system.  I already told a fam member that it looks like I’m going to have to get a phone again with a chuckle… this seems like a more obvious way for me to get a phone because normally I lose my phones within six months of having one and so I stop trying to get one because I guess the Unvierse implies it’s not necessary and I guess I haven’t gained enough experience to balance my attention when having one.  So now… I’ll be needing a phone… the last time I had one I saw benefits of convenience when I’m in search of convenience however I didn’t like how convenient I am to everyone wanting my attention.  It’s nice to tell people that I don’t have a phone.. I don’t have to feel pressure of answering someone right away because they understand that I’m not fully accessible at times… I’ve been able to respond when I have the time and desire… I don’t know why I wouldn’t still be able to do this even when I have a phone… removing distractions is an effective and easy solution… but I also understand when you introduce that distraction back into our lives… we really see our relationship to that distraction and not have a delusion of what the relationship is by our thoughts.  So sweet… I’ll see how my relationship to a phone is going to go and how well I balance my relationship to it.  I’ve also been noticing how much energy goes into being a community member too… right…. It’s far more social then what i’ve been accustomed to lately.  I was at the temple farm for eight months… but thankfully for my cat we we’re able to stay pretty much to ourselves.  It was ashram time for me… so I knew I wanted equal if not more time to myself than with the community.  I was transitioning to more community than alone time by the time I left… but again I see this is something I’ll need to be aware of.  So… again their schedule is everyday with one day off… this seems daunting for me… spreading my energy out instead of having it focused and then allowing enough time to process and relax for a few days… I mean in the meeting founders understand the importance of intentional volunteers… few number of intentional volunteers can out preform a bus load of unintentional volunteers.  The same applies in hours of work as well… When there’s an intentional worker… working on the same project as an unintentional worker… things get done quicker and with better quality… for me this applies however… without rest and processing time the quality starts to diminish.  I understood this at the temple and was able to get the six hours for four days having three days off… and I was able to find progress for work but also myself personally.  I mean having only one day off I don’t even know if I could process anything… I mean I have to be relaxed to process and it might take an entire day to get relaxed enough to process.  Yesterday I wanted to do more revising and deciphering of the notes from the meeting but I ended up finalizing designs from the caving event and so I was drawing on the iPad all day and messing with editing videos… I mean I was communicating with people from the event.. but I didn’t do the notes which I thought I should be doing… and even today I think I should be doing it as well….but also intuitively I knew I have things I want to process and I was able to find relaxation yesterday… and so now it’s the day of processing… after i get this information purged and out of my mind… I’ll be better ready to get back to deciphering notes and sending them to the communities for feedback and revision.  So they have a schedule in the morning to meet, usually an hour to break before working for two hours together… we’ll take maybe a three hour break before we reconvene on what chore we are doing for the evening, then a gratitude circle before dinner we eat together sometimes…. Definitely if there’s a guest onsite.  So… I’ve been able to find moments to myself on these breaks and they help… but I also found that there’s so many opportunities to have conversations and there’s such sweet and interesting people that I just want to spend as much time with them as possible… but I feel like my mind is flooding over with information for me to process… and because I’m excited a part of me is like wanting to go on this crazy rollercoaster but another part is saying slow down and process… and so right at this moment… I have to process when I’m alone with many many hours needed and most likely days.  I arrived back at my dads late Tuesday… and had to babysit my cousin’s two year old and people were asking me if I want to hangout with them… and I just said no… I’ve been in social mode a lot lately… Thursday will be my first day alone… and damn it… I need this time… in fact… with what I want to get done at this time… I want to spend the whole weekend alone too… I mean it sounds good to me… in my head right now it seems like I’m placing a timeline on getting the things I have on my plate done soon… which would be nice because I feel like there’s more I want to put my energy into… but as a note taker I have this pressure that people from the event are waiting to see the notes… hehe… I’ve sent out rough drafts to two properties to revise and I haven’t seen any changes in the rough draft yet… hehe… it doesn’t seem like they’re not in a state of urgency…hehe… so why am I?  I think because I want to work with these people I want to show them my professionalism… but I’m not sure if I’m able to show my values through flaming away… hehe… I guess I just need to release this perceived deadline I have in my head… I know I’ll find moments of inspiration and get a shit ton done… but be patient to have it come into my Reality when I’m ready… I also want to create storytelling artwork for this intention convention event… I’m enjoying doing this but I also felt this pressure yesterday when I was making the caving designs… I started to add tasks so I wanted to get this off my plate…and I feel like normally if I was doing this for myself… I’d enjoy exploring more with different ideas.  I felt like I wanted to make sure I got their attention through the honeymoon phase, right… most likely a month after the event the excitement weens and I thought they wuoldn’t care to have artwork from the event anymore… but this stops being enjoyable for me and I want to remove this pressure. I thought making artwork will be building skills I’m wanting to build but I also thought it could be a way to make a little side cash too… but yeah… this is why I don’t usually like to make art for profit… I start to think what do they want instead of what do I want… I’m thinking they want something right now for the honeymoon phase…and I’d just rather not have a time limit and explore ideas and whenever it comes out it’ll come out and I can share it at that time regardless if they want to buy it.  Ok… good… I’m feeling much better and more relaxed… I’ll get it done but I don’t have to get it done now… and getting it done now won’t be as quality as I would like to present.  that happened to me when. Was laying the floor down… I was absent minded that day… it was hard for me to focus… Honestly I felt there was a bit of tension going on  with team members and it was hard for me to not feel the tension… it was effecting my attention… I was cutting and measuring and wasn’t getting the results I wanted and so did it again… by the time I was getting into the groove it was time to put things away and leave… so again I felt like I was pressuring myself to just get it done… and in the middle of picking up I was like.. no… I’m not going to leave this undone… I want to finish it and I’ll walk back when I’m done… of course everyone was like no we’ll wait… and I’m like please don’t… I’m not afraid of walking alone… working alone… in fact in carpentry situations it’s really nice to be able to do this… I know they were being nice… but what I really wanted was to be alone with my own energy and just slow down and refocus… but they continued to clean up and so I’m sitting there debating whether i should recut the flooring because I wasn’t satisfied with its quality but the table saw was put up and things put away… should I just submit a half-assed submission?  Yeah… I don’t see how I can do much carpentry work or any detailed focused work done in two hours… maybe if I’m in the middle of a project that I’ve been involved with for a period of time… but to come into a space with new heys and not understanding the direction of where things are leading… two hours won’t be the desired time for me.  If I have to… I will but I’d like to show how much quality goes up with working in time needed to create quality… and after the rustiness wears off the speed of time will increase.  Ok… I think I have processed enough to be able to address the romantic partnership I am wanting to process through… 

So what did I notice are areas of uncomfortableness that I found myself in?  I noticed how uncomfortable I was with touch and watching displays of affection come so easily to most who were present.  lol… in my mind touch has been a main love language that I crave in the past but it seems celibacy has removed my desire to touch or more like my hesitancy and limited my touch being nonchalant.  I’m a hugger and I’ve found that hugging is still something I can do easily but I remember a time where I’ve stopped myself from hugging people.  But yeah touch has been a way for me to express myself and I felt myself being uncomfortable touching… and I guess it again wasn’t in general touching.. it was touching my romantic interest when I saw my hesitancy and foreignness.  And I mentioned that I was uncomfortable watching displays of affection which also makes me curious as to why?  The only thing that comes to mind at the moment is because I’ve lost the consistency of having touch as a part of my life that now it’s become odd?  Again.. it seems like it really depends on my mindset whether I’m comfortable or not.. because I do not hesitate to touch or help someone and using touch to assist in the situation… not anything to think about because it becomes me and quite comfortable but what are the moments of touch that is standing out right now… it was the moment I was sitting on the couch… we were about to have our morning meeting Saturday morning before all the big meetings… we were waiting for one of the fam staff to finish up his breakfast to join us, but he was very engaged in the conversation and didn’t notice us waiting for him… but three of us were early and we were sitting on the couch… nothing odd there… my romantic interest came in and asked if there’s room for him to sit in between us as so the two girls moved over to give him space to join us on the couch.  We were sitting like three ducks in a row and when he came in he wanted to be more in a lounging position… hehe.. so he was trying to get himself comfortable so he leaned on the girl who was next to me and so his posture was facing me and I felt myself wanting to relax and get comfortable but I felt a bit stiff and rigid.  The girl and him have no reservations of touching one another affectionately and they seemed to have a bond where they were easily open to share affectionate… I’m not even sure what they were doing because of my stiffness I wasn’t even able to turn my head much because of my awkwardness…. Hehe… I glanced a bit and I think she was using her fingers to play with his hair and bit of a massage for him… and maybe she was only doing this with one hand because I saw his other hand was playing with her fingers in her other hand… and he placed his other hand on my knee and asked if I’m ok with him doing this… and I said yes, but then I started to watch how I was behaving in this moment.  I didn’t really know what to do… hehe… I feel like I moved my hand out of the way and I eventually slowly placed my hand on top of his… it wasn’t in an affectionate way… it was as if I was a corpse that placed my hand on top of another and it was just laying there motionless… hehe… it’s funny because we haven’t really shared moments of affection before and my first opportunity was sitting on the couch the four of us and then there’s about twenty people sitting at the dining table eating their breakfast deep in conversations… so of course I’m glad that I’m getting the opportunity but again surprised by when and how it was unfolding… hehe… I’m a mess but I know I’m going to work through this but it’s funny to see things play out.  We were chatting all of us together and we decided to go on with the meeting without the one at the table… he’s in the zone and I’m just trying to act like this is normal to be in this situation… but again I know through observation that this was an act of normalcy… .in reality I was in a moment of fear… not drastic degree or anything but I’m not sure what word to call it right now… it’s not fear but I was reluctant… I’m super happy we were all talking because it made me feel like this isn’t such a big deal and just fucking relax… and slowly I started to make some subtle movements with my fingers which he reciprocated back.  I eventually had held his hand in between mine and was enjoying the slow movements of my fingers along his skin and my skin enjoying the touch not knowing where they’d be touch or how because it was a touch from someone other than myself.  The sensation of my fingers sliding through his fingers again ever so slowly was very sensual to me however I was a bit distracted with all the moving parts and conversations that were surrounding the situation.  I was sandwiched between two guys and I felt like I was holding myself back in a way because I thought and asked if I should be sharing this with both of them… but that was a fleeting thought because I didn’t want to do that.. I was enjoying but also wanting to get away at the same time…hehe… I was happy to get a chance, but this is not my ideal situation to exchange affection at this time.  So I saw an opportunity to find the excuse to get up to help a guest in the kitchen and as I was getting up I was able to touch his calf and slide my fingers up his skin… ummm… I do want to touch all over him but with this setting and most likely because we haven’t had much quality time together… I’m not ready yet to openly explore this with him.  Later I was thinking about how flexibly dexterous he was in between us… hehe.. I remembered how I enjoyed dancing and playing with couples where my hands and feet and body had all their own minds working together… I was chuckling how well he did splitting up the conversation in two manners… one was having a conversation with someone he’s built a relationship with and was at a state of comfortableness and affection… while his other conversation was with me… hehe.. first the stiff as a board silent treatment intro… to I’d like to try this… how does this work?  To ok… yes I feel like there’s reciprocity and patience… to slow sensual sensations… which led to ok.. this is enough for now but I enjoyed my time and open for more.  Yes… holy cow… I am open and ready to actually explore this… again… there’s a difference for me to prepare myself to be ready and then realizing when I’m actually ready… I’m literally starting to tear up right now… I cannot believe I’ve been able to get here… I’m ready to be open to a romantically intimate relationship.  Holy shit… this is something I’ve wanted but I haven’t been allowing to experience.  I had this expectation that if I was going to do this it was only going to be with a specific person from my visions… but there was not reciprocation… and I understand that I seem to in the past want to create buffer room to even attempt a romantic relationship… not at all times of my life, but yeah… buffer room seems to be the way I allow myself to even take steps forward.  I think that’s the case with my romantically intimate interest too… I knew he was polyamorous and that he had a staple foundational partner established… and me hearing this I think I felt like this was the buffer space that I needed to be able to attempt… of course not the only reasons but I cannot explain but will attempt.. but once I started to tear up My body has gone stiff as a board… it’s like I’m holding my breath right now as if I’m searching through dark corners that I’m uncertain I want to reveal about myself.  and I don’t know if I’m going to but I’m going to have to take a smoke break to relax at little because yes my body is acting strange… and even signs of being in a fear state… which again is obvious because this doesn’t happen anymore until right now and it’s happening… so I’m going to smoke real quick

Alright… smoked, used the restroom, and helped my dad take some nets off his raspberry bushes… oh and took a look at the progress of his underground bunker/cellar… So it seems like I’m hitting a cord right now.. and earlier when I said it wasn’t fear it was reluctance.  After being in my own space and witnessing my bodies reaction to this… it was a moment of fear and I’m going to continue but I think my pops wants me to go pick up a pizza… so I’m going to go ahead and allow myself some grace and time before I dive in again… so I’ll go ahead and post this and come back to it… until next time… enjoy

[withinUverse]

Alright… so let’s see what can be brought out… I got back with dinner with my pops and I’m in a more relaxed state and I’m curious to see what’s going on… so I did want to mention that these moments of fear again aren’t scary for me… in fact I haven’t been aware of these moments for awhile now… that’s been a strategy of mine to do so many activities which is out of my comfort zone so I can live a life without fear… so just as I saw this squirmish thing happening.. I now see that there’s a fear I’m going to be working on as well.  I tell people that I look forward when I’m in situations and I get triggered because its a flag for me to see that there’s something to work on and so this is another flag that I want to address.  It wasn’t extremes amount of fear but even the subltlest of fears seems to be noticed which is a great thing.  So… let’s see how to approach this.  When I was in this state earlier there were some thoughts that were bring brought up that I noticed… deserving of love and worthiness… so I’m guessing this is the area that I’ll need to explore more into.  Again it’s not that I don’t work on this but specifically when it comes to romantic situations…. I’ll have to address this.  Another thing I want to mention at this time is there’s so much inspiration I have from the intentional community event… but I feel like this is something that is occupying my mind and I’d like to purge for a little while so I can free up space to address community networking opportunities.  So… where was I before I noticed my body’s reaction… I was talking about my romantic interest having a foundational partner which allowed a buffer for me to approach this.  It’s funny all of this is… because I had an idea I’d be working on this in my life and been getting messages to help prepare me, but living through it… doesn’t seem to be anything I could have prepared for but I do see that it’s not hard to walk myself through these challenges.. and it also feels like it’s not really challenging… it’s just something that needs to be addressed and I’m actually looking forward to remove any blockages that remain.  

So… why does my mind want to make this something completely different than my original thoughts?  When I heard he was going through a separation there were thoughts and emotions about this.  Let’s see if I can express them… so like I said it was heavy energy and I want to be someone who can hold that space but I also realize I haven’t built that trust to be that space for him.  He did mention that it’s hard for him to trust people and that was something said in passing and not directly towards me, but there’s ways of communicating in a group setting that still allows people to get a better understanding of where we are right now.  I also remember that there was an approach in that morning meeting to speak with him in a way that was directed towards him but also in a casual way that most won’t really get all the information I’m eluding towards.  He was expressing himself and how it’s going to get messy… and I guess I felt to express myself as I’ve literally in front of him address and express issues I’m working on and it was definitely messy and not as smooth as I hoped but it was necessary to see how I authentically feel at the time so I can get a better understanding where I’m at.  I was telling him that in a short time he’s been able to get me to express messy emotions and thoughts and not only did I observe all the mess and squirminess… he did too… and he was brilliant at holding the space for me to do this.  And I didn’t go into too much detail of what our conversation was because that was personal and it’s not time to talk about this with fam staff or guests.  We have no clue what this is and we don’t either… so yes just hinting that messy is going to be so worth it because of the growth that’s going to be gained from it… we’re both passionate about growth and we’ve found this in our own ways but it seems like we’ve been successful at approaching growth and apparent that it’s going to be something we’ll be able to hold the space for growth to happen.  He responded that he loved to be part of watching the squirming thing I was going through etcétera etcetera… in the moment I was like what is happening and why are you reacting this way… but I also see how brilliant it was to be as transparent as I could be at that moment.  So again what’s the difference between him being involved with his partner or not?  

Well… I guess if he had a tight bond with a partner… I assumed that maybe that would allow buffering to where his attention wouldn’t be focused on me… I obviously don’t know exactly how he approaches his life or relationships but I figured that there could be an attraction and bonding but again the intensity wouldn’t be there because he already has someone he has built a bond with.  So I’m not sure who else he might be talking with or dating or has relationship with… we haven’t spoken about this with him… I only knew of his nesting partner and the girl he brought to visit the hostel.. and so I don’t know what’s going on there either.  Hell I don’t know what’s going on with us either… that’s the thing this has come out of nowhere.. and hasn’t slowly built up.. I mean the slow build up would be only noticeable with myself.. I knew his posts were attracting my attention which was making sense that he’s an amazing man… but I didn’t think about having this amazing man as a potential romantic partner.  I thought he’s a potential for Enlightenment work that I do… and usually even with these people it’s a long term slow relationship… many are not ready to dive deep and allow themselves the time to work on spiritual work… so I guess I’m always assuming that I’ll spend my time with them as much as I can while I’m around but I’ll need to continue moving on to find more people to network with and to add to my list of potential Enlightenment workers.  So yes it came as a surprise that I was finding him more attractive once I was in his presence.  He’s handsome, yes, but his magnetism has to be felt.  And observing how he manages his attention with all the people involved in his hostel.. is remarkable… however yeah it seems like there so many attentive people… hehe… its’ not a bad thing but to me when I watch this.. it was tiring just vicariously living through him through observation and I’ve only been observing for what 8 to ten days now… it’s not much time and he does this for eight months out of the year… again I’m exhausted just imagining it… but he’s found his way of moving in this and he might be more on the extroverted side where he gets energy from all of these interactions… I’m not sure but I hope to find out.  So… there’s hesitation in me right now because in my mind… he’s going to need time to process this breakup… She was important in his life and if she’s being removed there will need to be attention to understanding and processing where we are at without them in our lives.  I mean I’ve been going through this myself just weeks ago I have cutoff the Australian man in my life… and I’m super surprised at how quickly I’m able to entertain romance… I know I want to share intimacy and vulnerability in a romantic relationship but I have been getting more grounded in my relationship with the Universe and we’ve been communicating that this present moment I’m only keeping myself back from trying to pursue someone who doesn’t reciprocate or have mutual feelings, limited communication, and literally half way across the world.  So again.. was I clinging onto something I couldn’t have to keep myself in a forever land of buffering?  The visions in ceremony are strong so that wasn’t wrong… but it’s always had messages for me to be patient and as my communication deepens with the Universe the more trust and confidence I have to make changes and it does seem like it’s not taking me long to make those changes…. In fact every time I make changes the more I appreciate that the Universe has always had my back and continues to show unconditional love for me.  And I feel when I was tearing up earlier was just that… I’ve been wanting this opportunity and I’m grateful that this has been getting addressed in my experience.     It allows me to see that I’ve been doing the work to understand I do deserve happiness in all ways… romance is not something I have to live without anymore.  I’m a bit bewildered because it’s been noticeable of who I’m actually attracted in this manner.. I was debating if I was to start dating again that it would be persons that I’ve already been building a relationship with … not someone I spent a brief few days with six years ago.  I guess with the people I was thinking about was just that… I was almost thinking that certain people I already knew which one would be a good pick… but that was all it was… me thinking I should do it and I should just think about who that someone is… and when I’m around these persons… my body didn’t show any signs of recognition of deeper feelings or a deeper connection… right now… even though I’ve been asking my body what’s wrong with it… but it’s been clearly acting in a behavior that is not regular and yes there seems to be a recognition of the potential for something far deeper then I’ve been willing to allow myself to experience.  But again… he’s going through a break up… and so I don’t want him to think I could be a good rebound for him to get over his feelings.  I told him I was attracted to him before I knew he was going through a separation… I’m not looking for a short term fun hookup… I didn’t know originally what I was looking for but it’s again becoming more and more obvious that a deep connection for the long term is what I’m looking for… and what I’ll be attracting into my life… and quite possibly is what’s happening right now.  

So… I’m also stepping softly right now because I’m not certain how he sees me right now.  He’s only had a few days to gain any opinion of me as a person.  I mean I can find myself being eager to get more time with him because I’d love to get to know him better, but again as a buffer I can use the hostel as an excuse to spend time with him.  And I do like to help and most owners of any business that meets me usually would love me around to assist in their business professionally… and so that is keeping me in check as well… he asked if I have anything going on to where I don’t spend more time here at the hostel… and I told him that the biggest thing that is stopping me from sticking around for longer is that I am unable to bring my cat with me.  I’ll leave him with my pops for up to five days or so… but not much longer than this… I’ve already been out and about a lot since we returned to Indiana and he’s been freaking out and seems to be laying on me almost the entire time we are together because he’s missing me and also afraid that I’ll be leaving him.  So he said if he could find a solution for my cat… I’d consider helping out for the last month before they close down for the winter… and I said yes that’s the main thing that’s preventing me from staying longer.  As much as I’d like to think he wants me around to get to know me, but a more realistic part of me is also thinking that he really wants me help remodel the manager’s house… and I enjoy doing this… but I’m not sure how I can get to know him in a deeper manner as a staff member persona… right… first of all there are not many opportunities to have privacy together… he’s who everyone wants attention from… if I’m there as a staff member will I just be working to only get a few moments a week to get some quality alone time with him?  That’s what I really want is to actually date him… I feel like spending a day with him would be so much more satisfying then then twenty minutes here and there throughout a week.  I don’t need his attention everyday… but I could definitely give him a day of full attention… hehe… I’m thinking of getting him out into the middle of nowhere where we cannot get a signal and we’re completely cut off from getting distracted.  I wonder if he’d be interesting in trying that out with me.  I have a feeling we wouldn’t be bored together… I’m thinking if wee go camping or something like that where we are present in the immediate space around us… we aren’t talking to the people on the phone.. but talking with the people who are there and sharing the experience with us.. they could be strangers but getting to know the strangers and getting to know each other… exploring the surroundings and also allowing time for us to do our own thing… I could see him enjoying reading a book… hmmm… he’s an artist… I don’t know carry some art supplies to allow him the opportunity for him to create.  This is reminding me what I said to him when we had a conversation before he left.  I was telling him how much I’d love to spoil him… I feel like he deserves this… caretaking for so many people… I want to take care of the caretakers… and I’d love to have the opportunity to spoil him… and I’m not sure if he’d be able to trust me enough to allow that to happen… I also don’t know him well so I wouldn’t even know how to spoil him… my first gut feeling is to remove distractions and clearing out his energies… so he can just be with his own energy and help him relax into getting spoiled…. So yes I tend to think of soaking in baths or hot springs and a lot of massaging… I love giving massages but I also realized while I”m doing this that not everyone is as receptive with massages as I’d hope.  Maybe there’s an expectation of what a massage would be like.. and maybe that’s something I should ask but I just go with whatever I’m feeling at the moment.  I do ask… but most just leave it up to me without direction… and honestly that’s how I am too.  I haven’t had many massages in my life and so yeah i don’t have experience to give direction… i feel like it’s better to communicate while I’m in the middle of it… hehe… and I also try to enjoy myself regardless.  He’s a photographer and he captures beauty which seems effortlessly and so finding a setting that inspires him to shoot as long as he’d like to… hmmm… bringin his hello out into the dessert.. hehe… there seems like there’s a lot of creativity he’s been developing and maybe he does find the time to do this already in season, but just in case they get set to the wayside… I’d highly encourage him to allow time for creative self-care.  Hehe… removing distractions… I told him that I haven’t used a phone consistently for seven years now… it’s been very healing to not be as easily accessible to everyone… I’d at least would like to suggest to keep the phone at home at times… Enjoying moments where there aren’t bings and chimes of someone who wants your time, energy, and attention… allowing himself to give his time, energy,and attention to himself… hehe… so yeah… maybe as much as I’d like to do this with him… maybe he just needs to do this alone.  He said he was taking a few days off.. but he’s still active in the hostel chat… so he didn’t completely remove himself away from work.  I’m still trying to see what I can observe with his approach to work. 

It’s been interesting watching his relationship with his staff… it’s been evident that there’s mutual respect but I’ve also seen a bit of tension in one of the staff members… they’re respectful with one another but there’s friction… because of the frequency in chatting in the FB chat, the admittance of having a hard time to trust people… I wonder if he has challenges in control issues or micromanaging… which could be present slightly but I don’t think tha’s what’s going on at least the only thing that’s going on… so yes right I’m not interviewing anyone to get details of what’s going on… I just gather bits and pieces that I hear to put a picture together… i have far more opportunities to talk with the staff and I’m able to get more details.. so the person with a tendency to have friction has mentioned some puzzle pieces… he mentioned that there was a second manager he worked with but I don’t know if it was supposed to be originally a two manager situation for this season or not.  I feel like there’s movement in this hostel and so flexibility has to be developed in this environment.  This person also admitted that they don’t have experience in hospitality and social settings isn’t their forte and so grateful to have this opportunity but also sees how it’s worn on them.  It sounds like he’s been giving great effort through the season… but I’m coming at the end of the season and I understand that a lot of energy has been used for managing people which can be challenging and I feel for them.  But I’ve also noticed how detail oriented they are as well when it comes to direction… it seems like the directions have to have a step one to step two before going to step three… and it seems like there’s also a lot of asking for permission to have confidence to trust they can do what’s asked of them.  Not that I see them as needy… but there are tendencies there and as much as I think they want to be independent their approach seems like they’re not there yet and there’s a struggle to want it one way but not able or comfortable enough to work in the desired way of the mind.  Because the confidence is not there.  So yes… Ican see why he’s so hands on… He’s so intuitive that’s extremely sexy to me.. there’s been so many times that I see how intuitive he is so I’m sure he has to be flexible with the staff that happens to be there at the time.  He’s been saying how he’s wanting to hand over responsibilities to his staff, but I think because of the current staff structure he has to be more of the leader for them to be confident to make decisions for action.  I love the conversation that I’ve been sharing with everyone there.  I can see how I approach conversation changes whenI ’m dealing diverse individuals… which also will apply to diverse teams that most likely shifts throughout the season… ok I feel like I’m on a tangent again and want to reel it back but I’m also feeling quite tired as well… my eyes are barely open… hehe… I want to dive in deep but I also feel like I don’t actually have the energy to do this at this time.  My mind is wandering as well… so yeah… I’m going to go ahead and stop for tonight and rest.  I feel good with the processing I allowed myself to do today… alright… until next time… enjoy!    

[withinUverse]

Good morning… so interesting I was just finding myself doing a physical purge is something minor but it’s a sign for me and I”ve found myself doing this quite often lately… it sounds maybe a bit odd.. but it’s belching or burping… I wasn’t going to start this session with this but literally when I was signing in and scrolling to get to this session to write I was doing this and this is something subtle but it does communicate to me… and for me by participating in Aya ceremonies… I’ve noticed the many ways of purging and this is one of them… to me it’s allowing space and room for me to release the old and open to experience the new… so I guess I wanted to mention this.  So when I started with so interesting at the start of this… I wasn’t going to say anything about burping but that’s what I wrote… what I was going to say was interesting is that I fell asleep shortly after my post last night which was fairly early in the night and I slept until I woke up at 2:22am in the morning… I used the restroom and my dad was getting ready for bed… and I thought maybe I was just wanting time to be awake and be the only one to be awake in the house for some solitude in an essence… I thought maybe this is the time I can dive into deciphering the notes from the weekend… but I found myself coming to this forum and I started to read my first entries when I began this Journal.  Gosh I didn’t remember who quickly I got into exposing myself with areas of trauma that I had when I was younger… but I was reading and I felt like I was getting tired again… so I went back to sleep and while I was sleeping I started to get some insights of where I can explore my attempt to express why my body is recognizing something.. my body is recognizing safe space… and trust is something to look into more as well.  So.. how do I begin?  

So I was reading about the events I had when I was a child and there were inappropriate engagements that I shared with older relatives… there was one who restrained me and overpowered me when I didn’t want to be with him.  I’m sure this is something that has been subconsciously assisting me of not fully trusting people.  However much I have a desire to find safe spaces… I have so many stipulations that mind has that doubts or suspects foul play behind people’s intention.. Geesh when I write this out it sounds like it’s so extreme but that’s not how I perceive it… for the most time I do not feel like this but I think specifically when it comes to exploring and expressing my sexuality… this is where I haven’t felt a safe space before.  Again wanting to have this was always a mind chatter of wondering if this is a safe opportunity… but if feels right now… that my mind wasn’t really ready to understand what a safe space is… it’s my body who seems to feel like it has more understanding… these are not separate and they work together… but to explain this it makes more sense to split it up… my body seems to be stepping up with clear communication that is more evident to notice… while if I kept it as a mind masturbation… it would be the same old thing… so yes Realities communication seems to be clearer and I’m so grateful I’ve become open enough to receive these communications.  Not only was I feeling like there’s an opportunity for a safe space for my sexuality… but at the fire circle… again… there was a safe space for me to surrender and express myself through the drum and voice… I’ve been looking for safe space… and I’ve found it.  And I’m excited to see what my potential will be when I have a safe space… holy shit I feel like I’m going to transform drastically and exponentially right onto my path with a much deeper confidence and trust in myself not only the Universe… again which isn’t separated but there’s a humanness that seems to be addressed.  There’s a human side to me that needs deeper understanding before it can transition in these areas as Universal love.  Hehe… if anyone starts to read this Journal near the end there’s a lot of context that is missing when I’m typing… Enlightenment exploration is what I do and how I try to explain the benefits of transitioning from human to Universal mindsets… when our identity switches… we communicate with the Universe in a manner where messages are being given in massively diverse ways… but once it clicks that this is guidance… there’s no hesitation of oh… when am I going to start working on this?  It’s like ok… thank you there is something I’m going to work on now.. and the benefits of working on what’s stopping us from moving forward with authenticity is far more desirable then waiting… I no this is challenging for me to explain… but that’s why my rambling goes through this process… there’s in between the lines that communicates as much as direct words that are coming out.  We’ve got to be using our intuition and intelligence to gather the data and gain the understanding.  I’m working on figuring out how to speak with clarity and conciseness that I’m heading towards… but this is the process and I’m learning through the process.  And even though I said that it seems like we don’t want to wait to go through the lessons but I’ve been getting messages to prepare me to work in this area… so it wasn’t quite immediate… but I guess it’s been patient for me to prepare myself to make these changes… and it’s clearing up room to allow me to be ready to be ready… and I guess once I realize all of the factors that are in alignment… and then I realize… ok I’m ready to do this.  So… yes it excites me to see what has challenged me in the past… I’m so much more confident that it’s not going to be as challenging as I think it is… I’m ok with challenge because it’s so worth it to get into it and see the benefits of the results of facing the challenge and embodying the results that are gained through facing… so yes… I enjoy the communication and relationship with the Universe… I’m so blessed to have reached this state of union… it’s what I’ve always desired but didn’t know until I was in it. We’re in it folks… we just don’t realize it until we do… and to do so we have to make commitments to be more intentional in all areas of our life.  Ok… let’s get back to safe space and trust.  

Let’s go into trust real quick… it’s a bit funny but I’ve always been on the side of trusting in my life however I didn’t realize the balance of finding a safe space to really be able to trust.  What am I saying?  Let’s just bring up the Australian man again… I had gotten so many messages about him and I cannot express how much I trust the Universe and when I was receiving these messages I’ve been demonstrating to the Universe just how much I trust it by overcoming fears.. and when I notice areas of fear I want to explore and discover so the fear can dissolve.. or at least reduced… so we shared intimacy when we met and we met through Aya ceremonies where safe space was present… we were able to be vulnerable and explore and express in this safe space… but when we found ourselves out of the safe space… things changed.  I wanted to continue the vulnerability and exploration to continue… my communication didn’t change, but for him… it was different when he returned back to the real world… his communication changed and his opinion of me changed as well.  When I went to visit him there were details that he was expressing that he’s not ready to be vulnerable right now.. he was going through a divorce and even though we wanted to see and visit with one another… there was a wall up… and yes safe space wasn’t present but I wanted to trust and still went through the motions that I needed to to get the experience to learn from.  But holy shit… I continued to trust because I continued to receive messages… and I’d try to reach out and express with my heart and I didn’t really realize he wasn’t able to create safe space for me.  I know I felt this but I wanted to trust that the Universe is wanting me to engage with him… but the Universe was also telling me to be patient and wait… and I felt like I was doing this… but I’ve gain so many insights while I was dealing with him.  And it’s to the point where his energy is not needed in my energy right now… I’m moving forward towards growth and if I continue to try to hold on.. that’s going to prevent me from growth… and I desire growth far more than a human.  Finally the Universe was able to communicate to my thick skull that it’s time to cut the cord between us.  Getting to a point of understanding that I trust the Universe completely and trust it will guide me through the unknown… and I trust myself to be able to walk the steps necessary for my human to learn through experience.  I rarely opened up to expressing my romantic side to him… I knew he was not ready for that however we’ve been in our relationship for seven years.. so I thought we’d be able to get to a point where we could talk more deeply… but that wasn’t the case… and I’m not going to wait for him to be ready… in fact I’m ok to remove him and see who and what the Universe wants me to experience.  That’s why I think again I was tearing up… tearing up and crying doesn’t come easy but it’s starting to flow much easier than the past… but the Universe knows my deepest desires.. and even though I know this is a deep desire I have… I get in the way and the Universe wants me to allow myself to experience the best and I’m just so thankful that it’s never given up on me… The Universe never gives up on us and knows our deepest desires and wants us to experience these desires… but it also understands the complexity we’ve woven around our hearts to be able to be ready to allow this bliss to enter our lives… I trust the Universe… I’ve been able to trust myself which in turn allows me to trust “others” which again in a way doesn’t exist.. but most people I’m speaking with right now are humans so the concept of others is a thing… so I was thinking about my current romantic interest now…

He has been a safe space right from the get go… but of course my mind was not certain… it’s doing it’s thing of observing and contemplating… again.. there’s a desire for safe space to open up freely but again… my mind thinks it’s going to take time for observation before determining through thought to discern whether its a safe space or not… and just to let you know… it’s not like I knew I was looking for a safe space… hehe.. I’m satisfied being with my own energy and even though I want to find “other’ energies to connect and bond with… I’m not desperate and very picky and more patient.  I’m noticing that I too have one foot out the door to escape if I feel the need to… and that’s what I’m understanding again by noticing that my body is speaking louder than my thought right now.  It’s recognizing something that it wants the mind to understand… when I speak with the man I see that I want to be as honestly expressive than most… it’s hard to explain because I do this on the regular but I also know see there’s a deeper degree that can be embodied and its drawing me into a deep desire to explore right here and right now.  My body recognized he is a safe space… I wonder how similar we are to each other when it comes to this… I wonder if he also found himself wanting to trust and find safe space to move into deeper levels of expression.  To me from the brief observation that he seems to be well on his way of doing this comfortably and easily… like I was say might be something people perceive of me… but he admits that there is a messiness that he knows he wants to address and so maybe he hasn’t felt that safe space to explore depths to these degrees that we intuitive know exists but finding the combination of divine timing of preparing ourselves to be ready to be ready to open and surrender deeper.  I want to be that safe space for him.  But he says it’s hard for him to trust and so I understand there’s going to be a process of building this trust.  And again… maybe he hasn’t had the loud communication of his body speaking to him like I have… and so maybe I can assume his mind and thoughts are what is speaking to him which makes him want to question everything and as hopefully he wants to be… doubt creeps in and it speaks strongly to carefully maneuver in the Reality in these areas… if this is the case then I completely understand.  I’ve been slowly trying to interject to him that I’m not wanting to have a foot out the door right now.  I want to keep both doors in… I’m wanting to completely surrender to getting to know one another and see how much growth we can find by committing to explore and surrender depths to allow benefits we don’t understand at this point but intuitively want to experience.  I want to have both feet in but there’s also a side of me that is wanting him to know that there is a purpose that I’m involved in that involves universal connections… global connections is how I explain for a human to understand… I’m telling him I can give him a year which might be interpreted differently than what I’m trying to say.  I am motivated to move in my purpose that’s universal… there’s something quite profound and grand that I’m involved with and I want this to be understood.  Why I am saying a year I can give right now is because… I have a calling that will take me away from Indiana… from the States… into lands I haven’t known as this human body.  But the quality of intention isn’t understood right away.  I continue to walk with intention at all times.  An example from the weekend would be when one of the guests gives readings using his crystals… I noticed people were sitting in the same room and when it was my turn I didn’t want to be difficult or rude.. I like everyone who was present.. but I didn’t want this experience to be public.  I wanted it to be far more intimate… I wanted to remove ourselves from possible distractions… I wanted to focus and get myself to ground and receive… we moved into an area where no one present…and he commented on how he loves to see how intentional I am with this reading.. and it makes me chuckle because yes… I understand that the Universe communicates in many ways and if the Universe intentionally becomes intentional then clarity of communication arises… and sometimes not.. but again this is something subtle but sharing time together its understood… removing distractions allows intention as well… declutterring activities that surround the situation… I’m moving back to the moments we shared on the couch… even though I know I gained understanding by sharing this with him and everyone else in the space… but I also gained an understanding that where I am right now… I desire privacy and not a public display.  And it wasn’t like anyone was watching us as if they were the audience to see what our interaction was going to lead to… but again I didn’t want to express myself in this environment.  As much as I enjoyed enjoying the touching we shared… I was distracted with activities and I felt I couldn’t explore my  intentions as deeply as I would like to.  I mean this doesn’t automatically assume that when we are alone that I’ll be open either.. hehe… I just don’t know how things are going to play out.  But I also don’t know if he has a desire to spend quality alone time with me either… but again I don’t think he knows whether he wants to either.  We don’t know one another… and there’s a woman who came into his life expressing at surprised attraction towards him… he maybe wondering why? Maybe he’s wondering if I have alternative reasons?  But I also noticed that he didn’t automatically close the door on me either.  And I think being able to be around each other’s energy he was communicating that he’s willing to take some baby steps to see if there is a connection or attraction between us.  But yes… he’s got a lot on his plate not only all the hostel stuff but his heart is occupied in dealing heavy feelings.  I’m not in a rush… there’s nowhere I want to be right now except right here and right now.  What I desire is to be intentionally present with him to build strength in trust.  I feel there’s something far deeper than just romantic depths… that’s just the cherry on top… and if we find romantically isn’t where we connect or bond… then that’s fine as well… I see us partnering up far longer than the year I am committing to.  I feel this year will allow an honest and realistic understanding of where we are and how we work together in multiple aspects of our lives.  Many may think that a year isn’t that long of time…but holy shit it can be a life time of experience when living with intention.  There’s been transformation from the year I spent in Utah and Colorado which was a year… but again there was an element of missing the feeling of a safe space… I can imagine that having a year of intent, trust, and safe space will again be the perfect combination from tangible growth that won’t be as subtle as in the past.  

When I say I want to be here for a year… doesn’t mean thats where it will end… in fact I want it to be the beginning of our journey together… allowing us the time and space to get to understand one another… if it goes even a hint of what I’m feeling and intuiting… we’ll want to choose to spend time together outside of Indiana to help support one another.  I feel I can gain so many benefits to support him and his empire he’s been creating and it’s amazing and impressive… I’d love to dive deeper into his creative mind and be an assistant to allow him to remember to self-care and clear energies that linger and unnecessary… Even though I would love to support him, I’m also not wanting to lose my empire I am wanting as well… I know this is unshakable and I won’t forget but also communicating that I’m not wishy-washy about my purpose… but people want me to explain it through words and that’s challenging but hopefully I’ll find the words soon… or really when it comes it will come and until then I can express my passion for purpose can be understood by spending time with me.  I don’t really know at this point but I have an intuitive nudge that this man has been working towards transitioning from human mind to Universal mind… and that’s where my line of work comes into play… I hope that through my support with his visions for a year will allow him to understand why he might want to support my vision as well… which isn’t excluding him… it’s going to be showing him the potentials that he might not have imagined quite yet… he’s brilliant and creative and has been manifesting larger than what an average human thinks is possible…and I have a feeling he’s confident to give back more to the larger community collective… I’ve made commitments in my purpose that has allowed me to move freely between communities learning about detachment which is not void of unconditional love.. but in my understanding that I’m willing to make sacrifices to create a connected whole ultimately… but my idea of sacrifice continues to mature and I don’t need to sacrifice to degrees where I don’t allow myself to enjoy opportunities I want to explore.  I’m over whipping myself to be motivated and disciplined… these are things I am and graceful to the degrees I allow at different times when I fluctuate.  Learning to dance to the art of Reality is becoming more masterful… and strategy is looking for that point of a degree of impetuous… I do care but I want to go all in because I recognize the potential results.  And I have a feeling it’s far more that what I can imagine at this time but what I’m imagining it’s going to be worth it!  And damn it I’m worth it too!  I’ve been working to get to this point and I’m grateful how much doubt is clearing away… 

So again it seems like sex is a main focus right now and I don’t want it to be such a focal point but it’s an area that I’ve been setting on the side so yeah it’s now become important for me to address.. it’s been waiting to be addressed and now I see an opportunity.  So in this environment there seems to be many who are involved who are open to sexual play.  And they are not shy in their expression but very respectful.  I’m sure they can smell it on me… that curiosity of exploration… I think they witnessed moments of raw honesty of bliss with ones that I’ve found to surrender and express…usually when it was in smaller groups that’s where I’m comfortable right now.   This is reminding me of a message exchange with one of the guests during the weekend.. she was so sweet and expressive of how she appreciated meeting me and sharing time together… I’ll share the screenshot of part of the conversation.  But I bond with people in smaller groups and with time to bond and express… that’s something I’ve noticed with this man the founder… I was able to build bonds with the guests and staff more than I could with him because of time shared… as much as I would like to go right now and share time with him… his attention is on work related issues… and again I’m wondering if he’s more attracted to dealing with me because of what I can help with his work?  And I know I can help with him in his work… but I want to get to know him personally outside of work context.  I don’t want to piece together who this man is through other peoples interpretations and stories of him… I want to go directly to the source and have my own experiences to create the picture through our shared time together.  I feel he wants this balance and is taking tangible steps to create the opportunities to find the balance.  I trust he’s already doing what he needs to to realize it for himself.  And I also realize that there’s a part of me who wants to prove my worthiness.   What have I been doing to make me think this?  So… I’m very excited to be meeting the people I’ve been getting introduced to specifically at the hostel.  I mean I’ve spent half my time there so they are the ones I’m getting interested in and I enjoyed myself.  I notice that in a group setting I’m not as expressive but I also found amazing in depth conversations and bonding when it was one to one and smaller groups.. and those few have a better understanding of who I am because it was the space and time I needed to share myself openly.  But again I didn’t get to everyone.. it was only over the weekend which didn’t allow time for me to get to everyone and I know people are attracted to one another and so I’ve been wanting to keep in touch with these people.   So how do I show them a part of me that I wasn’t able to express through words?  I love to make these video clips of a story I lived and I do this already but it was one way to demonstrate that hey… I’m worthy to get to know better… see… I’m creative and I don’t actually put a lot of effort into these videos… but I’m going to be more intentional in the quality but there is still a degree of intention at play but this will mature… and then I was inspired to create storytelling artwork to capture the event through digital art.. which again is something I haven’t really had the time to explore much but I have a degree of confidence in art that it can be presented with some degree of approval… another subtle way of worthiness through creativity… but then there was another event with more people who I want to get to know and also the case I didn’t get to everyone personally but desire to make arrangements to have that alone time to understand one another more… but I was a note taker… and I placed the timeline of getting the information out in a timely manner that again was a way to demonstrate my worthiness as an allí for this next year and also wanting to get a piece of art out during the honeymoon phase… but I’m rushing the process… I mean I like the artwork but it’s not really at the point that I’m like ok.. .this is why I’m trying this out… and I am concerned that this honeymoon phase is a short lived time period… why?  I feel like I’m half assing things because of this perceived timeline I’ve place us on.  I’m worthy and damn it if no one wants to find that out then why am I giving so much effort to prove my worthiness?  And how many people am I trying to prove to?  Again… it’s like what I dealt with in art in general… I hated when i was doing art when I was thinking what does the audience want from me?  Let me brainstorm what they want… when I transitioned to not caring what they want and focus on what i want… it’s much more satisfying and fulfilling to approach art this way… and that applies now… and it also applies to showing my worthiness to the people I’ve met.  It applies to my romantic interest as well… what does he want so I can prove my worthiness to get to know me better?  I mean it’s easy to have the enthusiasm to help with projects around the hostel which can show my worthiness to be a part of the hostel… but there’s far more that I can help with than labor.  I’m just used to showing worthiness through labor and results and efficiency.   But I’m more sensitive now and I’ve found myself exhausted.  And I’m getting messages that my role is changing.. and I’m not sure exactly what that means… but I have a degree of understanding that labor isn’t all that I’m good at… and labor is a very tangible degree to determine worthiness and a blunt way to notice… but I work in the subtleties… and I’d much rather follow what I want to do at each moment without pressuring myself of what i should do to show my worthiness… I’m trying to figure out how to weed out people who are not aligned with me at this time.  I’m trying to maintain my energies and wanting to focus energy towards my purpose which encompasses many facets… but I’ve been thinking about temples… I thought that staying in one place limits the potential of ready people to find one another… but that isn’t the case.  I found many amazing people by being at a temple… it was attracting the people together and we were recognizing one another… and so my original thoughts of me having to go and travel to find the people… that’s not always the case… many people I’m looking for are in areas that don’t allow the opportunity and freedom for international travel so I know I’ll be going to them… but right now I’m feeling of grounding my roots for awhile… and allowing the opportunity for people to find me.  when I come to Indiana especially there are so many amazing people that I hope are ready to move forward to Universal mind… so I have lists of people I want to go and visit and spend time with… but I want to focus my energies… and I don’t know when people are ready… I just know I”m ready to expand.. and why don’t I see who gets attracted to the location I’m at?  I mean I’ve always been impressed with the people I’ve met at the hostel… and it was clear it attracts amazing people just like the temple… the founder has built this vortex of attraction… and why not be able to work with this magnetism?  He’s extremely magnetic however I feel like I am too… so why not increase the magnetism?  I do enjoy labor admittedly… I’m so excited there’s a wood shop here at the hostel… and I haven’t had an opportunity to enjoy a wood shop before except for brief moments in college… the wood shop calls to me and the professors were noticing my affinity to wood and was trying to pull me into their department… I have some experience with carpentry and construction but to not great degrees… I studied architecture and interior design.. so building is something I want to build experience in… and I’m hoping this could allow opportunities… but when I was laying the floor I felt this pressure of getting the thing done in two hours… i felt tension in team members and I found it very challenging to be satisfied with my results… I was distracted with all the factors… and I’m not satisfied with the quality I settled with… but this is a skill I can foresee to build if I was able to be a part of this community for a year… but again skewing the schedule a bit… two hours of construction and woodworking isn’t much time for me to process and create comfortableness.  

Yeah… that’s something I noticed in the temple when it came to duties of labor… she had a long list of items on the labor list but it wasn’t available for everyone to know what was on the list.  I’m not sure why but I could see having a vision of where the community is going is something I’d find valuable and motivating to contribute to that vision.  But she also looked at her volunteers as laborers … I’m not saying she’s bad by any means… but she has a lot on her plate that she wants done and so she had a tendency to see laborers for items on her list.  She wasn’t really getting to know the volunteers who came onto property… she didn’t really understand what value they have in this environment… she just knew they were there for a temporary period of time and then they’ll move on.. so she’s going to get as much labor as she can even if it’s half assed because at least it’s getting done even though we’ll have to rebuild shortly after… I started to see that if people had specific skills in building she would have projects for them to work on which again wasn’t on a list anyone knew about only herself… so I’d ask the volunteers who came to the temple by court for community hours to give if they have a skill relating to building and so she was able to get specific tasks done by specialized volunteers you know like electrical issues and such… again labor seems to be an easy qualifier of value of someone’s worth… but we all understand that life and communities are so much more nuanced than that.  I’d like to look at the nuisance more in this community.  I feel like I want to find a recruiting system in the pool of volunteers.  I’d like to see what all websites that are out there for people prone to volunteer work… I know there were a few that I learned from the LDS which I browsed through… but I’d like to personally do some outreach to the local population too… geesh I’ve got so many ideas of how I would like to approach this community… but I literally don’t know who I’m working with at this moment.  I just have a strong desire to get the chance to know him more.  Let’s just stop right here and understand that I have not spoken to him about his visions and goals in a deep manner… I heard what people shared during the meetings but I want to read between the lines… they are so immersed in the community that sometimes it takes an outsider to observe something about the community that it cannot see for themselves… that applies to individuals as well… so thankful for the people I meet who are honest about what they see in me that I couldn’t see for myself.. it’s helpful.  But I’m going to stop entertaining visions of what I’d like to help the property with until I actually get the quality time I need for understanding.  I do like hearing what they’re sharing but we didn’t get to a point of steps to move forward… some questions seemed easy to answer… but again I like to work with subtleties and nuance… and observing and feeling out a community will give me far more understanding then listening to the words that were shared.  And even though I love the people I met.. I also know there is so many lovely people I’ve met and have been building a relationship here in Indiana… again… maybe I’l be more patient to who I’m drawn and attracted to work with instead of just thinking about everyone and narrowing my focus to the ones who are magnetic and attractive.  My communication with the Universe is expanding and I’ve realized an example of what that communication looks like with this hostel for example and it’s founder.  I felt the draw and wanted to visit these events before i came here… so the lines of communication are open and there just expanding the ways of communication and I willing to expand my communication as well. Music is calling to me… nature is calling to me.. deep bonds are calling to me… transformation is calling to me… building is calling to me… safe space is calling to me… I feel like safe space is becoming more apparent and the different ways that can be applied to my life right now… in a physical manner… no matter how much I love and respect my father… his house is not a safe space to feel comfortable in.  It’s again challenging to explain because he is a safe space… he’s been a safe space for me all my life and why we’ve become so close… but his actual home is not a safe space.  It’s cluttered and dirty which is distracting and time consuming and tedious especially when I know the efforts and energy I place into it will only last a limited period of time since this isn’t a concern for him right now… but it’s been really challenging for me to cook and even clean myself while I’m here… there’s no running water… which again shouldn’t be that big of deal… this isn’t the only place I’ve stayed in that doesn’t have running water… but the care for cleanliness isn’t present right now… only in very specific areas… but I went eight months without a kitchen at the temple… when I spent two months with my buddy in Colorado we were having the best of time cooking together… how much i underestimated the value of having access to a kitchen will not be taken for granted… just like spending a year here with my pops with out a bathtub… I only took two to three showers when I was in Utah… I took baths.. I find it so beneficial and healing for my soul and so I didn’t want to take it for granted and when I knew I was coming back to Indiana… I knew I wasn’t going to have baths often and I also knew the condition of the kitchen I’d be working with… and I feel myself more resistant to stay in the place… I was able to create a degree of cleanliness when I was here last but it took over a year to accomplish this.. and when I returned.. it was back to where it was… i mean not exactly I see steps of improvements… but I just see so much energy to get it back to where I feel comfortable to be in this space.  In fact maybe that’s what I’ll be doing today… just start cleaning again… I’m not sure how long I’ll be here and I cannot assume that I’ll attract somewhere different… so work with what I have and get it to a point where I’ll be able to maneuver easier.  I seem to be working with my relationship with the cold a little more too… when I was in Colorado in the airstream I wasn’t as cold as one would assume… it took a little bit of adjustments but I found I was able to sleep and be comfortable in the cold… my dad is also concerned about me being cold because there’s no central heating but he has portable heaters and he keeps wanting me to use them and has given me a heated blanket… and i’m grateful for the concern and tools to keep warm.. but I also feel like the cold isn’t affecting me in the same manner. There time for adjustments and then I’m comfortable.  I know I do appreciate him holding on to all of his clothes though…hehe… I’ve gotten rid of most of my belongings and I raided one of his closets to find some sweaters to wear since fall is ending shortly and winter will be upon us.  I’ve got plenty to choose from… and I’m grateful… I do enjoy being with my pops… he said last year that he doesn’t want to spend the whole winter here at the house because it’s challenging and we aren’t really invited to the holidays with my brother and the grand kiddos… so it’s just not worth toughing it out the winter and wants to go to New Orleans to visit a cousin who recently moved there.  He wants to go for the food…he loves to cook Cajun and wants to enjoy authentic Cajun… he asked me to go… but I said I’d go for the food but I don’t want to go to New Orleans.. I’d want to go to the bayou… in the boondocks… no man’s land… hehe… I can do both but I wouldn’t want to spend much time in the city… i know I’ll find enjoyment there… but I’d like to focus my time in the country… also I’m not certain I’m too thrilled to visit with the cousin… again something in small doses would be good but not a heaping helping…hehe… love her but energy is pretty intense… I know it will help me see where I’m at with dealing with this style of energy but I’ve already had that with someone who lives in my hometown… he’s got intense energy that’s also needy… and the result is I’ve told him to stop reaching out to me at this time… he’s going to have to wait until I reach out to him.. he’s repelling me with that type of energy… it’s really the neediness and desperation of attention… it’s not something I have the energy to share with this person.   and subtlety and nuance just goes right over his head so I have to be straightforward and firm.  He does the same thing to my childhood girl friend and that’s how he was introduced to him again he’s a neighbor of hers… but she hasn’t made it clear to him where her boundaries are and was complaining about the frequency of his communication and asked if I’m still dealing with it… and I was happy to say no I’m not dealing with it… I was clear in my communication for him to not reach out and I’ll reach out to him instead.  I’ll probably go and play a round of disc golf one day with him… but not at this moment… however… hmmm… maybe that’s something I’d like to do right now and then come back to cleaning… yes… nature calls to me and I love the woods here where I play disc golf… yeah… that’s what I feel like doing right now.  Ok.. cool… I think this was a good session again… until next time… enjoy