Chaos to Clarity... Exposing Myself

[withinUverse]

Alright… it’s been a good break and I’m starting to have things happening in my life that I feel would be beneficial to share… to see if I can gain any insights through the journaling process.  So where to begin… well… I guess I can write about the things that are coming up within a month.  So the grant proposal that I’m working on is going to be due a little over a month and I’m getting excited as I’m clarifying the vision for the next two years.  And I’m trying to hint what will come after.  But I also have started preparing my little buddy to travel to Hawaii… we’ll go in next week for his titer blood withdraw so he will be allowed to enter Hawaii again.  I have a friend who is from Sweden who is coming to the States for the first time and it’s getting me excited yet there are things that are coming up that I think I want to address first.  Yeah… I’ll start here and see where it goes.  So I met him in Peru during a Couchsurfing situation.  He owned a home that he used as a hotel and when there were empty rooms he would allow Couchsurfer come and enjoy the area and that’s how I met him.  I feel like I’ve mentioned this before.  I remember when I was there and the night I was going to go and meet him… I was finishing up ceremonies and I remember how excited I was to meet him… there was a weird occurrence which seemed similar to a ceremonial feeling and I didn’t really understand why I was so excited to meet him.  I just want to be frank but I had a feeling that he was a potential romantic partner.  Even though I am extremely drawn to the Australian man… I still have tendencies to be open to polyamorous situations… so at the time I was wondering if he was connect to the Aussie in some way.  It didn’t turn out to be that but still we had a great time together but was very brief.  We’ve been communicating off and on ever since and he’s decided that he wanted to meet me in person again this year.  And last week we pretty much officially started making plans for him to come here for the first time.  This is the first time hosting someone where I am not in my own location.  Usually when people come to visit and I host I can take time off and show them around and spend majority of my time to share with them.  In the situation I’m in.. I don’t know if I will be able to make that happen.  I’m already getting on the ball and talking to people and seeing what options we might have.  So right now he is working remotely and so he would be working during the mornings. If he decides to stay with me at the temple as a volunteer then he would need to work hours in the evening to stay here on property.  So it doesn’t sound like the ideal situation for him on his first visit here.  So we’re going to be talking again in the next few days to see if we can find different arrangements… but I’m starting to see if there is anyone here who could host him for short periods of time so he won’t have to be working all the time and will have options to be able to explore this beautiful state while he’s here to visit.  I’ve been seeing myself getting protective of his comfort level.  I was talking to a friend here and he asked me if I feel like I need to protect him?  And I find that I do find myself feeling this way for some reason.  What really am I feeling?  So… when I’m in situations that aren’t necessarily ideal… it doesn’t really bother me.  Putting myself in uncomfortable situations helps me grow and see where the areas I can work on.  And I have been building skills of detachment and acceptance that uncomfortable environments aren’t an issue for me.  BUT when I have someone I care about who wants to come into the same situations is when I really start to questions whether this is a space that is really a place I’d like them to experience.  So I am very appreciative of the temple experience I have here… there are many positive aspects, but also there are some aspects that aren’t ideal and I feel like if I can find alternative options than… that would be best to have options.  So yes I’m going to go ahead and address this as well.  Now again I’m grateful and respect what I’ve been able to gain in this experience; however, there are aspects that aren’t ideal.  When visiting this temple the initial impression can be very impressive and status and reputation is important for the owners here.  So they have high expectations on how they are being perceived from guests… but there are things that seem to be missing.  So maybe it’s not missing but what I would be able to bring into a situation is probably what I look for when I visit locations.  So I guess the first thing is there is lacking warmth here.  I come into situations wanting to be warm and friendly and open to conversations and that isn’t necessarily what guests get here when they visit.  Many of the regulars who are here have been here on this property almost on their own little island and very comfortable to allowing people to come and go as they please… but not really taking the time to get to know the people who do become attracted to come and visit.  I have a personality who wants to give quality personal service and hospitality… I also really appreciate the people who come into my awareness in this life… so I want all to be welcome and I am curious who is interested in coming at this time.  So in my perception I feel that I was judged when I first came here.  I had to give referrals to be able to even volunteer here on a weekly basis.  Many volunteers come and go here and referrals were not needed for anyone else that I know of… at least not since I’ve been here on property.  I’ve been enjoying my time to get to know the volunteers who have decided to live here for a few weeks… and many regulars seem to not want to get to know them to personal degrees and it makes me wonder why that is?  I seem to want to build relationships beyond the near future… I guess many of the people I meet develop deeper the longer we allow our relationships grow.  Yes there are many times that many people I meet I don’t build relationships with but many do evolve… so that’s why I try my best to give the opportunity for the relationship to develop.  

 

What is it that I really don’t want my friend to experience here?  Dismissiveness and disrespect…. This is probably my concern for him to feel this way from the people he would meet here.  I’m sure he’s had experiences like this in his life, but I guess when it comes to me recommending and introducing a location and community that this wouldn’t be a part of the experience.  But again this isn’t my temple so it’s not that I’ve built this mentality and brand so I shouldn’t feel like I am responsible for how this has been developing here.  But I have met people who are attentive and respectful and curious about people’s ideas and interests… that’s where I’m trying to find ways for him to be able to spend time with these people.  Geesh… I wonder if he really should be visiting me at this time.  I am getting so excited to have him here, but also I wish I was a bit more prepared to host someone at this time.  

 

There’s an area that I’m avoiding… there’s a few aspects that I’m avoiding which I’m noticing that I’m doing and I’m wondering why I’m doing this?  Why am I being hesitant to saying what is really going on in my mind at this time?  I know I love to use journaling to purge out my thoughts but I also feel like many will not understand this process if they haven’t done it for themselves.  I want to purge and it’s so beneficial… but when I get into the purging process it sounds so unbalanced and so it’s a one sided story and many will not be able to intuit that there is more than what I’m purging about that is going on here.  But damn it… that’s why I got on here was to purge…so.. it is what it is, right?  

 

So I’ve been here at the temple… again I cannot explain how grateful I have been to be here for the last few months and I plan on continuing the help here until the festival at the end of the month and even the clean up through mid April…. By then I’ll be preparing to head to Hawaii to visit my family but also explore Hawaii in a the way I haven’t been able to do but I’m ready this time.  So… I was hesitant to come here because I knew that my style of Spirituality isn’t necessarily accepted here.  I am trying my best to be respectful, but I do find that I’m finding more people who come to visit and we start talking about Spirituality and my story comes out.  I’m also writing my grant proposal which also involves Awakening practices and so it’s just so very present in my awareness… and I really don’t know if it will not be there.  I don’t know if I ever want to lose this connection anyway… i don’t think it’s possible.  But anyway… I’ve been getting challenged to speak my truth.  I have been holding in a lot of expression to the regulars and owners of this temple.  I’ve been able to express with guests, but for some reason this isn’t as fulfilling as wanting to address this to the owners.  Why? Friends of mind are saying they are older and set in their ways… there’s nothing you can say which will make them change their minds and ways… so stop dwelling over it.  I’m trying my best to not dwell but the more I hear their teachings the more things well up inside and thankfully I’ve had friends able to allow me space to purge but I also wonder if I’m really going to be here for three months and not saying my truth?  I share a similar purpose of raising consciousness towards liberation or Awakening or whatever it means when we develop our consciousness to be in direct communication with the divine through everyday life.  I know we all are working our way to this but is it really up to me to address this to them at this time?  Do they really think of me as someone they want to build a relationship with and work together in the future as well?  I would definitely be open for this… but the relationship wouldn’t be how it’s here at the moment.  It’s very one-sided and I’d like to build a mutual relationship and more reciprocal.  If reciprocation is not present… do I really need to be patient with the relationship until it’s ready to be?  Geesh…. As I’m writing about this… this is bringing up romantic relationships as well… 

 

I feel like I’ve been noticing how much I’ve been wanting to run away and avoid… with my friend from Sweden coming to visit… it’s been exciting but challenging.  I’m afraid what might happen when he comes to visit.   What I’m afraid of is actually if anything starts to become romantic.  I haven’t allowed myself to experience this in many years and it really seems that I’ve been transforming so much that it was an entirely different person who used to have romantic relationships.  There have been times when romance and actually sexual aspects are introduced into my life… and it can be challenging and exciting.  It’s exciting when there is a mutual curiosity and challenging when it’s not mutual.  My friend and I are mutually curious about each other… and I’m trying to be open to see where are relationship can go.  I deeply feel we’ll have a great friendship bond…. But is there any romantic feelings?  I feel like I don’t really know him deeply enough.. but because I’ve kept myself away from romantic relationships I wonder what I will do if this is introduced to who I am right now.  I tried to flirt with the Aussie a few weeks ago and it seemed like it went right over his head.  And really I felt like I was being quite crude with my attempt to flirt and I’m laughing at myself about how out of practice I am for attracting romantic conversations.  It’s so weird when we message each other… it seems like we’re both trying to be casual and cool yet ultimately awkward… lol… but I also feel he’s going through a lot of introspection work on his business aspects.  He is not happy and I know he wants to make changes… it’s just so tricky to actually make changes.  So I’m sure this is not the appropriate time to cheer him up or let him know that he’s got so much going on for him then his work.  Especially when he’s in a space of brooding.  

Run away and avoid??  There seems like there are changes coming up and I feel like I’m trying to give excuses to keep distance from people.  A part of me wants to give opportunities for him to not come and visit with me.  I asked him if he really knows how unusual I am… and how challenging it can be to be around me.  I know how to seem normal, but normal isn’t really who I am.  He chuckled and said that he’s well aware of this and that’s why he wants to get to know me more and is interested in hanging out with me.  I haven’t really let him know what I’m planning for the next few years… so he thinks that I’m just really going with the flow and so he’s been entertaining ideas to have us go to Argentina or go traveling through Europe in a camper van.  As I am writing this grant… again clarity has been increasing and I am not interested in doing this at this time.  I have visions that cannot come out of my mind… and I’m getting more and more confident that I’m starting to see the path to getting these visions into manifestation.  It’s been weird… I’ve been sewing some new clothes to wear in Hawaii and as I’ve been sitting here the last few days I’ve been getting dejavú.  There something I’m trying to remember in this moment…. There are feeling that seem similar to when I was in Peru last time.  At first it seems like my paranoia that came over me when I was in solo sessions.  Is this why I’m being so critical of the temple?  I was laughing at myself because I thought maybe they might be wanting to sabotage me in some way… I’m wondering why would they even care to do this?  But it came into my thoughts.  When I remember my paranoia in the solo sessions it lead me to where I needed to learn, but also I saw how extremely dramatic I took it and had to take time to relax and not go to so many extremes. I tried to remember when I leave this temple if we are happy… dejavú is a working process with me… and it felt like I remember at least two people here that are regulars who seem to be so similar that I knew I would meet them… but I was trying to see if I could remember if we end this time together was a happy situation and not something crazy… hehe… There is another time in Peru that is coming up at this time as well… I went to Cusco and I was at a hostel and I knew that my cat and I were not going to be there long and that they were going to ask us to leave soon… and that’s a feeling I have right now as well.  And I keep wondering if this is a future vision of what’s going to happen… or is it something that happens because I’m thinking it’s going to happen?  I remember when I was in Peru as much as I was trying to relax and not think about this going to happen… it was still in my thought and yes… it happened.  And I’ve been getting thoughts literally today during service as if some people walk up to me and escort me to leave.  I kept looking at the people who were entering to see if they were gong to approach me.  Again this paranoia feeling is happening and it’s something I”m dealing with which isn’t something I’d like to have in my experience, but I feel I’m going to be learning what this is and how I respond and why I respond this way.  I think that’s why I came on here to write about it.  My mind is going in ways that seems to be quite unrealistic.  But honestly it’s not too unbelievable either.  

 

Escort me out of the building?  Why?  What have I done or will do to have someone want to escort me?  It’s crazy because I have been entertaining the idea to stop living here on property and just volunteer on Saturdays for the llamas and help with the festival, but allow more time for me to focus on the grant and spend time with my friend.  But this week during my volunteer hours went so well… I loved spending the time with the guests that came to visit.  We all were having a great time sharing our energies with one another… and many stayed hours with me… and it was hard to want to leave these opportunities to connect with amazing people.  There were children and pet connections that happened this week which I loved.  The first was with an eleven month year old boy who I found us crawling and rolling around the floor together while his parents got the time to enjoy their meal together.  They were taking video and pictures of us because they said that he usually doesn’t act this way with people… and they loved watching how we are interacting with one another.  Well… I was in heaven loving on this little one.  There was a four year girl who came with her mother on another day… it seemed like the mother wanted to be able to talk with the priest at our temple… so I was able to entertain the daughter to give mom some personal time… but we all sat down and played and talked and again it was very enjoyable.  There were two guys who I love talking with and it was a very slow evening so I got to spend a long conversation with them… and I’m really looking forward to get to know them more… I’m hoping we might all get the chance to hangout this Tuesday on my day off.  And then the last day there was a couple who came in with one of their pet bunnies.  They said it was a mix of a dwarf Netherland and lion head… I think that’s what it’s called…and his name is Babycakes… too cute!  Yeah… I really enjoy being with the guests and it seems like they enjoy me as well… so I’m not sure why anyone would like to escort me out of this situation?  Why would I think someone is trying to get me?  Might not get me, but want to do harm to me?  And what’s weird it’s not like I”m really feeling afraid or paranoid… how do I explain this.  I just am getting a feeling that there might be something that might happen…. But I feel like I’m calm and be able to experience this is a very relaxed manner.  I haven’t done anything wrong.. so why get upset?  lol… why is this going on in my mind?  It is so I’ll express it…. I guess these are areas of shadow work that I will be addressing at this time.  

 

I don’t feel the flow that comes when I’d be getting some answers from journaling so… I’ll wrap this up.  But we’ll see if I can get back into the flow in a few days… see how I can get back in to the journaling flow.  For now… I’m getting a bit sleepy and looking forward to getting some rest.  Oh the two guys who I hope to hang out with on Tuesday… they have given me some tea to help get some rest.  My mind seems to be more active right now.. so it should assist.  I’m not sure I see any benefits, but I still appreciate them sharing this with me… and I’ll see how affective with more usage.  But ok… until next time.  

[withinUverse]

“Through all of my lives
I never thought I'd wait so long for you
The timing is right
The stars are aligned

So save that heart for me
Cause girl (boy) you know that you're my destiny
Swear to the moon, the stars
The sons, and the daughters
Our love is deeper than the oceans of water

Hey, I need you now
I've waited oh so long yeah
Baby love, I need you now
I've waited oh so long”

This song “Past Lives” by Borns is going over and over in my head.  If you want to check it out you can listen to it  Here  on Youtube… enjoy!

 

So… I’ve got this festival coming up at the end of the month… and I’ve been inviting friends to come and volunteer.  I don’t know if anyone will be able to make it for the actual festival but my friend from Sweden will be arriving a few days after.  We spoke a few days ago and showed me the location where he’s staying at in Columbia.  It’s a really sweet little village… well not so little but still a beautiful location.  He was trying to rub it in how he’s in paradise… paradise for me can look many ways, but seeing all the fruit trees did trigger a desire to eat some sweet fruits… Hawaii will have many opportunities for some fresh fruits… sounds amazing.  I was trying to let him know what the rules are for being a volunteer at the temple and he seemed to feel like there wouldn’t be an issue.  Eating vegetarian and no caffeine and volunteering 24 hours during the week wasn’t a problem for him.  I was saying that I was trying to find people to host him so it’s like recruiting Couchsurfing hosts without them actually being involved with Couchsurfing before.  I told him how I’m at the guest house but most volunteers will stay at the cabin with the owners.  The guest house is usually reserved for the performers for the festival, guests who are willing to pay around fifty bucks per night, or if the cabin of volunteers is full.

I spoke to an older gentleman who I find I chat with every Sunday.  He came over Sunday after service to hangout and I mentioned it to him and he’s going to think about it.  He said he has an older home and probably won’t be the ideal location.  I said it’s not a big deal if he doesn’t feel comfortable to host… I just said that he likes to go on short hikes in the mountains in the surrounding area which would might be nice to join him with some good companions with interesting conversations.  He was more interested in going on some little adventures more than anything.  He use to travel all over the desert while he was young and more nibble.  We were talking about navigation and he mentioned that he really never needed to use a map and compass because somehow he just never would get lost.  It didn’t matter if he tried to because he would just be able to see the landscape and remember how to get in and out regardless of how many twists and turns.

I hung out with two friends who I’ve really been enjoying our conversations when they come to eat on Saturdays.  I went over to their house and met their two sweet rescue dogs.  Pippa and Perry… oh my goodness they’re so adorable!  Pippa wants all the attention and loving while Perry is timid and wants love but is very hesitant with a lot of attention.  Perry has a perfectly marked heart on his body which I guess most people notice right away like myself.  These guys are really comfortable for me.  They say they’re more on the introverted side but I haven’t had any issue having deep conversations with them.  They took me on a walk along the river walk which was really nice.  I was asking them more about their histories growing up in a Mormon community.  It was interesting what they have to say while they were growing up and going to school in this type of community.  We discussed the positive and negative effects being involved with this history.  They invited me for tea afterwards… they’ve started a selection of teas to enjoy.  I had a combination of Hibiscus, Lemon balm, and Comfrey.  They love plants and know quite a bit of information about them.  I’ve always thought it was cool how they forage for “mountain salad”.  Yes… I’m looking forward to building relationships with them.  

The current volunteers have been asking to hangout and play uno… normally I say yes, but lately I’ve been wanting to have more own space or maybe distancing myself with specific people.  I’ve been enjoying challenging my mind with sewing projects and allowing my mind to ruminate over the grant.  So I’m still trying to find the words to describe what I’m trying to create that is professional and organized while not being so airy-fairy and all over the place… hehe.  I’ve been reaching out to the people I know that is going to be involved whether I get their consent to list their names or if I should list them as anonymous.  Most of them have given me their consent; however, there are a few on the list that I haven’t asked them for consent but I know I want to involve them… but listing them as anonymous is rewarding as well because I know they’ll come on board eventually but whenever they choose is the right time for them will be the right time for us.  It seems like the most cherished in my life are on that anonymous list…and are still my significant teachers and supporters… and I have the most patience with to allow them the space and time to see if they can find themselves and their visions would be able to be weaved into the projects I’m creating.  

I’m just really excited but very calm at the same time… I’ve got my sewing machine calling my name… so I’m going to get off here and finish up my projects.  Until next time… enjoy yourself! 

[withinUverse]

 Well… it’s been awhile since I’ve written and there seems like there’s things that have happened that could be highlights… I guess I”ll just mention a few, but there’s something on my mind that I think journaling on here would be great to get down my thoughts.  Let’s see… the last time I wrote was March 7th… so I did get an invitation to sing backup for a band at the festival of colors here at the temple.  It was my first time singing on stage with a band and there were around 5,000 people so that was cool and it was quite fun!  It was like a swing rock band and yes I really enjoyed that.  It was the last weekend of March.  It’s the main event of the year here at the temple and it was fun for a one time thing, but it’s not really my style of festival.  Yes everyone loves the whole color aspect of it… throwing dyed cornstarch, but wow the cleanup is something else and all the plastic that is till being found on property from time to time because there’s so much trash that gets left behind… and combing the grass!?! Not sure if that’s the healthiest for the grass… but the guests seems to really enjoy it.  And the temple has four llcs that I know of and it all seems to revolve around the festival.  They have one for the admittance for the festival, they sell the colored power as another llc because they sell and ship the colors for other events that happen throughout the year, they have the third llc with the food they make and sell at the festival… I’m not sure if it’s also the same llc when it comes to the daily buffet… the last one they have is selling llamas which isn’t part of the festival… but I understand this is the one event that pretty much funds the temple monetarily I guess.  But when it comes to this festival there is so much storage that is taken up for the event.  There’s such a huge building which loooks like it would be a really cool space to use but it’s now just storage.  I’m guessing it wasn’t built to be a storage space, but that’s what they talk about a lot… and they seem very proud of the results of how the event has taken them thus far.  I’m not really sure if I feel it’s that successful because they don’t really have much of a “congress” i guess or their definition of devotees from this festival.  People just come for the one day to enjoy but it doesn’t necessarily get them to want to explore what the temple is actually for.

A week after the festival my buddy from Sweden came to visit me here at the ashram for two weeks.  I really enjoyed having him around.  We hadn’t seen each other in person in like 5-6 years, but it was easy to be around each other.  He didn’t know what he was getting into while he was here… I tried to explain, but words just don’t give an encompassing ideas of what the actual experience can relay.  But I think for the most part he enjoyed himself.  The favorite thing he enjoyed was when we went camping on the full moon night in the desert with another friend.  He has never done any psychedelics before and I wanted to do a Bufo ceremony for myself since it had been awhile, but I did invite them to join if they wanted to.  It was not planned out, but they both said yes and they were both very timid especially since it was being smoked.  My Swedish friend hasn’t really smoked before… he said he had done hooks maybe a hand full of times but not really.  I didn’t get their permission about writing about their experience.  But it went well for first timers.  They definitely understand what I keep trying to explain that conversation will never grasp what ceremony is until they actually do it.  I wouldn’t say they went in as deep as I would like… lol… I had to give them both shotguns of smoke for the first round.  And I gave them a second round later by the fires and they did it on their own and it looked like they were giving their best effort.  So it went exactly how it should’ve gone… just like it always does. I had my own issue I was working through during our camping trip that I knew I was going to face and observe to see how I responded to it.  I was trying to not sleep on the same mattress as my Swedish buddy in the tent.  I was saying how I’ll just sleep outside watching the stars, but I also ended up just giving in because I was making it much more of a bigger deal than it should have been… mostly in my mind… he is a very sweet man… and I trust him and goodness… it’s been a lifetime since I’ve cuddled with a man at night.  So we did cuddle that night and I enjoy being held and touching another body… nothing intimate just companionship type.  And I enjoyed it.  In fact I had to tell him before he left that it has been a very long time since I’ve had that type of closeness… yes it wasn’t any kissing or sensual situations… but hugging and holding seems very intimate nowadays.. and so I told him this is why it might have felt like I was being a bit awkward… When he was done packing and we were about to head to the bus stop together I went ahead and jumped in his lap and held each other… because damn it…. It feels good to embrace.  I use to be such a touchy feely person and I’ve noticed that I rarely touch anyone anymore… but I have been getting back to hugging people more.  I love to hug and I feel like its become more natural again.  

We actually spoke to each other for the first time since he left today over video chat.  It’s very easy to speak with him… because of our conversation is why I figured I can do some journaling tonight.  I have found a neighborhood horse that is by itself in a smaller-ish pen that I’ve been visiting and while I was walking back I was like… yeah maybe we can write this stuff down… some of the insights I’ve been thinking about since I’ve been at this ashram for six months.  I’ve been wondering what all I can be gaining and learning as I’ve been here… and there’s been a lot of rest and purging… but ideas have also been intriguing me a bit more so I think I’ll go ahead and write it out.  

Ok.. how do I start this?  So… since my transition I’ve been observing the changes that have been going on in my reality now.  Most of the messages I was receiving last time I was in my Aya and master plant dieta which now involves working with people… like collaborating with people.  Prior to the Awakening most of my messages were very personal on what changes I can do to elevate my consciousness… but now I’m moving into a new direction… it’s not necessarily new since I’ve always wanted to better my skills in collaboration.. but it seems like the dynamics is much more connected into a web that continues to form in the back of my mind.  And also understanding more of how the collective is part of who I am… the approach so far is far more passive.  lol… I’m not sure if it makes sense but when I was working on my personal lessons it seemed like it was easier for me to make decisions in a more assertive way.  Even though I still have assertive qualities, but when I’m searching for collaborators I feel most of my time is being passive and observant and curious to the people who are in my reality at this time.  So… I’ve been trying to see why I was drawn to stay in this ashram at this time?  

First of all…. This has been the first actual ashram that I’ve ever stayed in.  I’ve been looking to be involved in an ashram for six-ish years now… since I’ve consciously started my Spiritual journey.  Wanting to have a space where I can focus on integration with the messages I’ve received and before I found this space… I assumed that I would have to be identified or label to a specific Eastern tradition to be able to be allowed to stay at an ashram.  I remember when I was in Peru after my dieta thinking I’m going to have to go to India or something to find an ashram… my body was yelling at me to go and figure out what the hell just happened to me.. lol.  I even did Sadhguru’s inner engineering program to be able to go and be a volunteer while I was at my dad’s before I decided to just stay there… because in a way it was a type of ashram as well.  He allowed me so much space to just explore myself.  And I’m so grateful to have him as a father who can allow me a year to digest what happened to me.  I again thought it was time for me to start earning the bucks to get onto my journey with my visions hence I moved to Utah for the wilderness therapy gig… but shortly into the move I found an ashram that allowed me to stay.  Again I’m extremely grateful to be able to find a place to continue my rest and understanding.  I’m not certain this is a typical ashram though… lol… but it was the ashram I was supposed to find because there’s been so much I’ve been able to gain value as I’ve been here.  I was very hesitant moving onto property because of the owners here.  I’m going to try my best to portray my feelings without disrespecting them.  But the personalities they have formed for themselves is typically not my cup of tea.  And normally I wouldn’t have even given it a chance… but putting myself into uncomfortable situations has always been beneficial in my growth.  I too wanted to see if or how I would be able to engage in this environment.  

I can say that I’m proud of how well I’ve been handling myself with such domineering personalities.  It’s definitely similar to a my way or the high way type of thing here.  They were told right off the back briefly about my Aya shamanism practices which has guided my spiritual practices along with yoga techniques.  But not much detail went into this conversations because they aren’t really interested in getting to know what that actually means.  I might be a broken record but they are more of the preaching way instead of the conversational way.  They only want to tell their views of the “right” spiritual practices and have no interest in practices that aren’t their way.  So I respected this and I did not go into details with them.  I’ve been patient and I did actually get a chance to discuss this further on Thursday with one of them when we had a round trip of 3 hours in the car together.  I was surprised she even asked more about it.  It has only taken six months of time together for her to be curious enough to ask about my spiritual practices.  It was nice to see that she was curious… I’ve been trying to demonstrate the difference between preaching and embodiment.  And eventhough it’s a longer process to observe behavior… being patient and just being myself… I figured some day their might be conversations about how my approach to spirituality is eventhough it differs from their personal choice.  Let’s just say… they’ve been looking for someone to take over and manage their property for around ten years now.  There has been several devotees that have come and tried, but it doesn’t take long for them to give up on pursuit because of the owners personalities.  I’ve heard that if the owners decide to actually leave for their retirement that most of the devotees who were interested in managing would return in a heart beat… but they aren’t going anywhere.  That’s actually what I joined her in the car ride.  She and her husband are finally going to build a separate cabin specifically and mostly for them to enjoy their remaining time in their bodies.  They’ve been living in the basement of the shared cabin where all the volunteers stay while they are here.  She finally said that it would be nice for them to have privacy.  I agree and have the opportunity to rest in a deeper manner without having to engage with volunteers 24 hours a day.  I know part of it is that they think they are living a selfless and simplified manner by living with the volunteers, but I also know that part of them doesn’t trust anyone so they didn’t trust having volunteers at the cabin without supervision.  But they both turned 78 this year and they have decided that it’s time to be more in solitude when they aren’t active in temple activities.  I’m glad they are going to do this for themselves.  It’s not selfish to want this for themselves.  Regardless of what I might say next, they have dedicated their lives to their spiritual practices to the best of their capabilities and they do deserve and be worthy of doing this for themselves.  

Now even though I’m proud of how I’ve done so far in this dynamic… I do have to admit that it’s been extremely challenging.  There’s a lot of negativity and disrespect when it comes to conversations dealing with them… and I’ve been finding that there has been many months of being passive and not reactive to how much I dislike this behavior.  It’s really uncalled for and their is far more effective ways to communicate, but again they are only doing the best of their abilities… I understand this, but in another way… the leaders are the example and to talk like a human a bit more… if I was a devotee of these leaders… I’d be a bit embarrassed or ashamed that they are the example to follow.  It might be harsh but it is true.  They definitely aren’t up to the standards I hold myself and that’s fine.  That’s why it’s challenging for me to work anymore because the leaders I’m supposed to being working under just aren’t up to par.  But that’s here nor there at the moment.  Welp… Friday I showed a little bit of attitude when I was dealing with her as we were working with the llamas and a few volunteers.  Granted… i do not mind at all helping her with chores she wants to do… but I’m at the limit it seems of how she communicates her wants.  It is going to seem very picky because I’m only going to be giving one example which isn’t really going to explain the actual daily way of the communication we live with.  But it seems like there has been buyers who are interested in purchasing some llamas right now.  I might have my own personal issues of dealing with this along with how she barks instead of talks to us…. That led me to push at her buttons a bit.  So the first buyer was coming and we had prepared around eight llamas by grooming them before they showed up to view and select.  We were finishing up and she said she’d like to go ahead and take pictures of four alternative llamas that will be available for the second buyer in a month or so.  We are short handed on the farm right now and with this being spring fever season… we usually don’t have the males and females together in the same area.  And we definitely saw why… they haven’t had time in each others space and they get completely excited and don’t care what we have for them to do… hehe… I’m not sure why they haven’t been able to “play” together yet either… but this is not my call.  Anyway the plan was to grab the four boys and quickly walk them through the barn where some of the ladies were and get them to an area on property where we’ll groom them and then take pictures.  Well… as we are trying to get the boys out of the barn onto the property she was yelling at us to grab the brushes so we can groom them… we were just trying to get them out without any direct interactions but when we had to grab the brushes the male and females started to engage and of course they started to go nuts… not in a bad way… they were just all very excited to be around one another… and even though they get trained doesn’t mean they want to listen when they finally get a chance to be around the girls… hehe… so they are cheering and they are very strong so getting them away from the girls is not any easy task.    We finally get them onto property and we start to groom them and a minute into brushing… which means we didn’t even really get a start she starts to yell at us to let’s go ahead and take pictures.  I asked her… did you not want us to groom them for the pictures?  She said never mind that just take pictures now.  And for some reason it triggered me… hehe… i tossed my brush in the air and said well ok… this is bullshit but whatever she wants we better follow her demands.  I led my llama to her and said llama… you better stand right here and don’t move because this is what she wants from you.  Someone passed me a piece of straw grass and I said llama you better eat this grass right now because she told you, you have to eat it right now.  She didn’t like the side view shot and wanted a different angle and I said man llama… why don’t you read her mind and do exactly what she wants the first time. She hasn’t had me respond this way to her before and she actually chuckled when she saw that she got under my skin a bit.  Plenty of volunteers and devotees lash out back and forth but I’ve been able to stay calm until that day…hehe.  And its just again holding in all these thoughts which isn’t healthy but I think it’s the respectful thing to do… to not feed her negativity, but i guess my reaction was fire with fire… of course it wasn’t that crazy disrespectful or anything, but again when it never happens it does create a response of woah… something just happened that doesn’t happen… of course my hope is for her to evaluate what might have gone down for me to react in this manner… but I already know she just told everyone I was in a bad mood.  I said just because I’m trying to train her that I’m not going to continue to respond nicely if she chooses to only bark and not talk.  And just because I’m not appreciating how she treats us doesn’t mena that my whole day is going to go sour and I’m upset with the whole world now.  There just seems like there is always a state of emergency and importance to everything she wants done when she speaks her desires to the volunteers.  Granted its not all the time… but I’d definitely give it a 60% of the time this is how she speaks to everyone.  Taking pictures of the llamas is not an emergency and it wasn’t really of importance either.  She even mentioned that she’ll have to probably take new pictures after they are groomed… ummmm…. Exactly… she couldn’t wait what 15 minutes for us to groom them before taking pictures… since there was three of us for four llamas… it might have taken possibly 30 minutes to do them all… but we had the time… and why in the hell was all the yelling about grabbing brushes if we weren’t going to even use them?  This is one of the ways… which I’m sure she’s not fully aware of… of how she drains energy from the people who are involved with the volunteer work.  She sits on her throne and bosses everyone around to do her bidding.  Again mostly there’s not a conversation in a civil voice and attitude of respect when asking us to do chores for her, but a demanding and yes I’m going to continue to say a disrespectful manner to how she communicates.  Again she is the owner and she’s an elder…so majority of us want to respect her… but there’s not reciprocal respect and so our energy gets drained.  Goodness I would absolutely not want to hear her internal conversation with herself.  The way we treat and speak to people demonstrates a part of how we treat and speak to ourselves.  I’ve been trying to give a little heads up to the new coming volunteers to not take how they communicate personally… however, it does show us things to work on ourselves by our reactions or our responses… observe how we feel when we are engaged in these types of conversations.  Most of the people here to volunteer are more then happy to help out around the temple, but instead of being grateful to have people to help out… it’s as if we’re incompetent laymen who should be grateful to have the chance to help at this temple.  Ok… I’ve been going on this rant… seems like I needed to purge this out… but I’m going to gather myself and redirect my initial intention of this entry.    

So the Ashram aspect…. This is definitely something I can see integrating into my future… especially an ashram farm.  In theory I knew this would be something I could find beneficial but again…. I had to live it to see whether it was true or not.  So my entire life is about raising our consciousness… and I’ve been interested in a global community in some fashion… and while I was speaking with my buddy today… I could actually start to see how it could work.  Now just because I can see how it can work doesn’t mean it’s going to go exactly as planned… but yes… I’m starting to see how things can play out even in the rules of society at this time.  Again how to explain the ideas that’s going on in my thoughts?  There seems to be so many legs to this that the sequence could probably be better planned out as a discussion but… again this is my journaling style which seems chaotic because I just allow my thoughts to flow as they come… But maybe this is a lesson of patience for us all who happen to read these entries… hehe… I’ll get there!

I know I’m going to be help and building communities… around the world.  I already know of a community in a village in the Amazonas.  In an intimate way I’ll be helping with the Aya retreat center to focus on ceremonies and master plant jungle farming… not to mention whatever’s going to happen with my vision of digging… but besides this the village itself is something I’d like to help assist with getting them to live a bit more comfortably than what it is now.  A bit more comfortable so they can start using their energies in ways more than survival.  So to try to just get it out briefly… a few things I’d like to suggest is the homes having more guards against insects… the build of the home a bit more sustainable with the materials we use.  It would possibly be nice to also include bedding… many I know sleep on the wood floor or on hammocks… I’m trying to not suggest outrageous changes… but having better options to rest and relax is beneficial for everyone.  Water… water seems like a primary focus for me lately when it comes to design… not saying that I have the answers yet but it seems like something that is important… the quality of water that is in the village can be looked at but also hydroelectricity for the village using the Ucayali river but the extreme seasons of rainy to dry is vast… how to harvest, store, redirect, and purify water is something I want the community and a team of experts and creatives to look at.  The roads are dirt roads and not in the best of shape… again finding more sustainable materials would be preferable in my opinion… but also grading the land to help filter the water away or around the roads I feel is important which isn’t happening now.  There’s a ton of rain during the raining season… I mean the village looks almost like a different village because there’s a lake or a large river actually through a good part of the town which isn’t there during the dry season.  They know this and use to it… but instead of the rain washing away the roads and collecting and standing on the roads… grading the roads and landscape to divert the water… I don’t know if this is something they might be interested in… but using hydro agriculture at the side of the roads so when the water is being diverted into storage possibly plants can be hovering above the water so the roots are gaining it’s necessary benefits to grow.  Again this is not something I’ve actually done… just saw some resources and dabbled into exploring… hence why I’d love to work with professionals and creatives who actually done this process to help steer designs that possibly might be effective.  From one village to the next is quite a bit of distance… I thought it would be cool to be able to have edible healthy local foods along the roads for everyone to enjoy but also take care of.  I’m not sure but I’m thinking there could even be a revolving crops where these roadside plants can be replanted into locations agreed upon… I mean not all of the plants have to be edible either… if there are certain wild flowers or grasses to transplant to locations again to assist in the initial phases.  I’ve been dabbling in the gardens here… and thinking about the approach my shaman wants to do with the master dieta plants.  I got the impression with the master plants we don’t do a standard farming in rows… we plant them in the jungle because the diversity and energy of the jungle plays a part in the healthy and potency of the effectiveness of the benefits the master plants get from growing in its natural environment instead of in rows where we are pulling out the so called weeds.  “Weeds” and undesired plant… who decides this?  With the revolving volunteers coming in and out… it’s interesting to see one group view what are weeds…. And then as a new group arrives… they weed almost everything except what we planted because their thoughts of an undesirable plants is far different from the original group.  Again I don’t know which is more preferable since I’m a newbie to this… but it is interesting to observe.  My initial thought is to allow more diversity into the soil but I also see in the general areas there’s an abundance of “foxtails” in the landscape… not talking about the gardens anymore.  I hear these are not good for the llamas.  I do seem them in some of the hay we purchased… so is the foxtail so abundant that it’s invasive?  Again these ideas of what’s desirable or not… and to what extent of our decisions plays a role to the “health” of the ecosystem…. Interesting?  I”m sure this is going to be more illuminated the more I dive into these areas.  But back to the village… one more thing I feel like I’d like to address is trash.  There’s already a small landfill starting in the village.  They are starting to consume more and buy more “things” and there’s not a system setup to dispose of waste.  Of course I’d like to promote Reduce and Reuse before recycle… but consumerism is newer to them… and trying to get them to not buy things that they see the people on the internet have… is probably asking too much from them… hehe… I’ll try to explain that there are many foundational issues that weren’t important until it was a slap in the face issue… so maybe we can look at the issues that has arrived from consumerism to countries of possibly the first-world countries and see if we can address them far earlier than the slap in the face.  It’s already obvious in the cities in Peru, but it’s coming for the villages as well… we can see it as we’re floating down the river… I’d love to inspire this village to be one of the examples for villages around them… but I’ll soon connect this village with the larger picture to be able to be example globally not just locally.  Now I have not been to the European countries for long periods of time.  I know there are several countries who are leading a far more conscious manner towards sustainability responsibilities.  In fact my buddy from Sweden is highly interested in these areas… it seems its very common for folks to be aware and conscious of their consumerism and have a head start in innovative design concepts.  Which again plays a role in this global community I seem to be drawn to.  I hope I get that far with this entry.  But again… in a more direct manner to raising consciousness in a direct conscious manner is the Aya ceremonies.  This seems to be more of a primary area of my attention before the village… I still feel like Awakening more of us so when we approach these community designs… we’re thinking more expansively and broader than before the transition.  

So… again this is something that I’m drawn to focus on… so when I have gone through my own spiritual practices before and after ceremonies… I would have loved an ashram to be able to actually rest and observe myself and how my perspective is changing due to ceremonies.  So… another piece to the puzzle of helping in the Awakening process is also having my selected guest have access to an ashram.  many will have to do much work to even be able to take time off from their societal expectations to go to ceremonies in the first place… I tell people a minimum of one month in the jungle… minimum… the more the better, but a month is a good start or introduction.  lol… now… I’m also going to see who can give more time away from societal expectations to go to an ashram before to prepare for ceremonies… and then after to start to ground and guidance on how to integrate and embody lessons from ceremonies.  So… again… geesh at least a month to prepare doesn’t seem crazy for me… but maybe even two weeks would probably be the minimum to prepare our psyche for ceremonies… really focusing on trust and surrender to fully be present in ceremonies… again wherever we are at is exactly where we should be… but sometimes I can be an idealistic type… so the longer to prepare would be ideal.  So that’s six weeks already I’m asking for my selected guests.  And this doesn’t even include the grounding and integration… I’d love to say two weeks, but this I feel should be minimum of one month.  I”m already preparing the Aya ceremonies to integrate master plants and reducing the amount of Aya ceremonies and more time to integrate and prepare for the next ceremony… but I still feel it would be so beneficial to have a buffer at the end of ceremonies to allow time and space to grip the messages before one decides to get back into the swing of things before they left in the first place.  So again I’d say a minimum of two months I’d be asking guests to take off for their spiritual growth… I mean many that I have been running into could do two months and more… we’ve already found the importance to have space and freedom to prioritize our spirituality… but I’m going to assume not all will have this from the start.    

Ok… the ashram… so as I’m here I’m asking why I’m here… I have an understanding now that an ashram is something I want to be involved with.  Of course my first thought of assumption is…. Is this the ashram I’m supposed to be teaming up with?  I still don’t know this answer but where I can go is looking at what I’ve observed at this ashram… what have I been able to learn to be able to apply.  This has been established and it has its own momentum… and what if I was to be directly involved… what would change if anything and why?  lol… this is a bit funny to me because I feel that it is obvious by now that change is where I lead towards… I feel there could be alternatives that can work better than the system that is here already.  Why?  Well… again this is a temple and I’m assuming that there is a desire for a community that will be involved in nurturing and building the temple for the future generations.  This temple is not currently the best at building community.  So… of course I’d like to change this… hehe.  But let’s see if we can look at things I wouldln’t change… and as much as I’d like to be idealistic and look and imagine the future… I’ll try to keep it more practical and present to start with.  This temple attracts interesting volunteers and guests to experience the temple life.  I have met amazing people in the past six months living here and I feel this temple being a bit misplaced one might say and unusual seems to bring in curious minds.  There’s a Hindu temple in the middle of Mormon land…. Curious minds are like… hmmmm… I want to check it out.  So the design of the temple is beautiful and unusual for the landscape… that many locals love to come and take photoshoots just because of this.  But again.. the volunteers have a minimum of a two week commitment if they want to be involved.  Now a few of the volunteers haven’t made it to the two weeks… but more than average people decide to stay a bit longer though.  So a temple that stands out and that is open to the public is something that I feel works.  Now with this temple it also has been establishing a farm as well which I feel is another positive aspect.  The owners have been establishing two organic gardens and a llama and peacock farm with two cows.  It’s actually a sanctuary for a few llamas and parrots as well.  As an animal lover I absolutely dig the fact that animals are integrated into this system already.  Caring for the animals is very rewarding and just being around them brings peace and comfort and a ton of laughter.  Watching the quirky behaviors of animals is quite humorous… and it’s very satisfying.  The space energetically provides huge amounts of tranquility just being on the land which i love and would love to encourage the stewardship of the land itself.  I mean… the wilderness and natural environments are more of my type of temple than a building is anyway… but the space inside the temple is beneficial as well.  The location is pretty phenominal because we are surrounded by the mountains and when each evening at sunset they color in hues of pink and purples is pretty satisfying as well.  So the foundation of this temple is positive… but I’m going to go ahead and move into the changes.  This is just my opinion… and it’s my space to envision and contemplate… I haven’t even brought any of these ideas to the owners…. Again it took six months before they put down their walls to get to know a little more about me… originally I was just someone who can work on their projects and wouldn’t cause harm to them or their property.  Now I’m starting to take steps into maybe a friendship relationship.  But let’s see… So as a volunteer I feel like I’d like to start here.  I realize there are many projects that need up keep at this location, but my opinion is that volunteers are desired here to work on the projects and to listen to them preach about their spiritual beliefs.  I cannot help but be blunt about my opinion… but they are energetic bodies that are getting drained once they arrive unless they are aware of the energy resources.  I’ve been trying to remind the newer volunteers to rest and rejuvenate… that this is an ashram as well… and not only does manual work take a lot of energy out of us… but again who our current leaders are… will also not hesitate to drain our energy as well… again I don’t think it’s intentional… but regardless.. it’s happening.  The wife barks orders and demands attention and importance which takes energy.  The husband preaches and is a one way conversationalist who demands attention and importance which takes energy too.  I don’t really mention the owners being like energy vampires to most people… and I definitely don’t straight out say it but I try to remind everyone that our responsibility is 24 hours a week… the rest of the time we can rest.  And honestly I put in more than 24 hours but 24 hours is set aside to do whatever specific tasks they ask of me… and I’ll do it willingly because I am a guest in their community and I respect what they are trying to provide.  But I also like many of the chores… so the additional hours I Help with is… because I like to help and I see things that need to be done in areas that I enjoy.  It doesn’t take a lot of my energy to do things that I’m not being told to do and I enjoy… but I also see… that if I try to do too many hours… I get depleted and also a bit more easily irritable.  When I had the whole llama tiss with the wife on Friday… I worked two weeks straight without a full day of rest… so I’m not able to do this at this time or maybe ever… I’m uncertain.. but I’m taking my days off this week.  She asked me if I wanted to help catch the koi fish this morning and I told her I wanted to rest… I got a hiking and swimming date tomorrow with two girls and a guy to get off property and enjoy Utah summer afternoon and evening in the mountains.  So yes this would be something I would prioritize for the volunteers.  I’d prioritize the ashram aspect of solitude and rest to disconnect from the societal conditioning of responsibilities to connect to our higher selves and giving space to communicate deeper to recontextualize our conditioning.. to purge and transmute… and then able to receive guidance from our intuition on the direction to go forward.  Again… I’d be more about opening the doors to building a community instead of using people for a short period of time.  I don’t have the same ideas of thinking this temple is the only “right” and ‘responsible” way to connect deeper in our spirituality either… many of the devotees primarily only stay at the ashram because there is a bit of a concept that the world is crazy and delusional and it’s best to stay away.  I’d definitely be encouraging to have a bubble here at the temple temporarily but to also burst the bubble and get out.  Utah has amazing landscapes so actually encouraging volunteers and devotees to go on a hike or camping… explore the landscape would be ideal.  Many volunteers do not have vehicles when they arrive.  Many of the international volunteers don’t have a valid international license either.  So public transportation stays in the civilized areas of city life… but not to go out into the wilderness.  There are vehicles here on property, but they are not easily accessible for the volunteers.  So opening up this accessibility would be something I’d like to encourage.  Housing options… ideally it would be great to have more housing options just to have more availability for more people to come and join but for now… there are seven rooms in the cabin available for volunteers.  I happen to stay at the guest house only because I have a cat which wouldn’t get along with the cabin cat or who knows what could happen with the sanctuary parrots in the house… so I got lucky to have a little distance from the temple.  Most of the time I’m here by myself.  There aren’t too many guests who pay to stay here for a few days.  In the six months there have been two families that have stayed here about a week each.  There was one single lady who stayed one night.  And then when we had festivals we’ve had devotee performers who stayed three nights.  So not even a month worth of guest “rentals”. So without having to build extra buildings… I’d open up the guest house to volunteers as well.  This guest house does not have a kitchen… and I’d update this somehow to give some type of opportunity to cook meals that we’d like.  I’ve been primarily eating the same food for every meal for six months… Being away from a kitchen makes me want to savor having a kitchen again… hehe.  I cannot wait to cook whatever I’d like to… hehe. 

Alright… going to the temple.  So first of all to admit that I’m not really the commercializing thing… so I realize there is an expense to maintaining and growing this temple… but in my opinion how they are doing it wouldn’t be my approach.  Again I’m thinking how to build community.  So currently there is a gift shop and a buffet in the temple at the ground floor.  The second floor is the temple space for meditation and worship.  More than half of the gift shop is donated Indian clothes mostly like bridal or special occasion clothing… which isn’t necessarily the most popular option for people in Utah or people in general wear.  Even Asian Indians I assume don’t always wear formal attire.  So needless to say… not a lot of clothes are being bought.  I was in the gift shop mostly through the winter and there were several comments about how it’s the same clothes year after year for the past ten years.  They always hope there are new options but its the same things.  They did actually find new things because We were receiving donations during the early spring so I was replacing the clothes to switch up the selection that I also saw wasn’t selling.  So yeah half of the bottom of the temple is dedicated to items that aren’t even popular… so I’d get rid of the clothing and jewelry… now I have ideas of what to do with the fabric and notions but I’ll wait on that for now.  To begin with I would still probably like to keep items to build an altar and the literature… oh… actually the llama section also sells so keep that if not expand it which could happen if we remove all the clothing and jewelry that hardly sells.  So the other half is the buffet.  Again in my opinion… I would not have this everyday open to the public.  Most of the people who come to eat are here on the weekends.  So Friday through Sunday… why?  Well… There is a lot of expense that goes into the groceries… and because of the responsibility of having it everyday and having dishes ready to exchange on the buffet… it seems like the simple solution is to just keep buying in bulk and making the same things over and over again…which could change if we reduce the days.  We could go to a more of a weekly grocery budget and literally have new items on the buffet for say Friday when the public can come and eat… so by Monday when the devotees and volunteers can eat.. we can still eat leftovers but also continue to have variety of choices and more of us to have the opportunity to cook and show the variety of dishes we can share with the community.  The volunteers are a small group and we don’t need an entire buffet to eat each day… for five days we don’t need all the options and just cook normal meals again using up what wasn’t eaten during the weekend.  We have a vegan chef volunteering here now and she’s been making a few different dishes and everyone i mean everyone is appreciating it!  The Sunday service regulars who attend I would think would appreciate some variety even if they only come once a week… at least throughout the month they can get different options when they come too worship instead of the same thing over and over again… I might be making it a bigger deal but I very much value variety… and just like I cannot wait to have access to a kitchen… I cannot wait to buy a variety of ingredients as well… ha.  Now… for the future… I have much more changes… but to start to put the toe into the water… this would be a good start.  

The clutter… this is huge and would be one of the first things I’d encourage to make the change to remove anything that is not being used off of property.  Whether donation or selling… there is so much clutter of unnecessary stuff or junk wasting up good space.  But there’s no organization to the tools and supplies for the temple of the farm.  

Ok… it’s very late… hehe… I think this is a lot and I’ve got so much more to express as well but I think I’ll go ahead and wait until next time.  Good night!   

[withinUverse]

Alright… good morning!  So where was I?  Organization and clutter… so there hasn’t been an established group of what we could call permanent staff or devotees because community isn’t the strongest suit that has been built here.  And there’s a revolving door of volunteers that pass through here… geesh can I remember how many volunteers that have been here in the past six months?  Let’s see if I can get a pretty accurate number here… I’d say between 15 to 20 volunteers… where 2 left before the 2 week mark which is supposed to be the minimum requirement.  When it comes to the devotees and their families… there are 10 which includes the owners… where three are rarely seen on property of the temple or farm.  So these are the ones who live on property but this temple also has a large amount of community service helpers and Mormon service missionaries that filter in and out on the regular basis.  What I’m trying to get to is… when a volunteer comes to the property… since there is not much organization… half of the time we’re looking for supplies and tools to be able to accomplish what’s asked from us.  Now general statement here… but because this is the majority of the “staff” to maintain and grow the property… the mindset isn’t necessarily sustainability.. its a very temporary get this done attitude.  And there is lack of accurate and suitable tools and supplies available and not much direction or instruction to accomplish tasks… things are just slapped together.  So efficiency isn’t a focus here… sometimes I feel its because it just gives people something to do..hehe.  Tasks are being done repeatedly over and over again… I feel the leader who wants tasks done are also not as forward thinking about sustainability.  Everything seems like an emergency so people just try to get projects done quickly… and maybe that’s because we just don’t know if anyone will be here the next day… so trying to get people to finish the project they started might be more important than taking our time and require the proper supplies and tools and instruction to accomplish projects that works and lasts so we aren’t constantly band-aiding projects all over the property.  This is something I’d like to tackle as soon as possible.  Being able to organize the tools but also removing and clearing out spaces.  This might go ahead and lead to an app I would like to be able to create some organization to the volunteers and service members.  But I also want to address the mindset of our leader to help projects build and be successful, not sure if that’s the right word… but let’s see how to explain my thoughts.  

So the owners have built and maintained this property… this is their baby and so I realize there is a different attachment to the property than anyone else.  But it also shows the mentality of the development of how forward thinking we are dealing with at the same time.  So generally the wife is responsible for the temple “staff” and projects to maintain the farm and temple.  While the husband is the “preacher” and festival, radio, promoter of the property.  So I’ve drawn closer to the wife.  Again I do respect her but I continue to let people know that spiritual work… majority of the time it’s experience what we “don’t” want to continue to do… people show and demonstrate behavior we want to avoid.  And also because I’ve been able to really develop self observation and contemplation I’ve been able to see this in myself and see how it’s evolved.  So she’s the top of the pyramid here when it comes to the “workers”. She is what we would call a workaholic… which again I can relate to because I was there myself at a time in my life.  She has a mindset that doesn’t trust the people who come in and and help… if she’s not doing it… well now out her age… if she’s not a bit of a micromanager than it’s not going to get done properly… which really this is far more nuanced than what I can explain as I type this out.  Because in some situations she’s right there and other she allows us to do it without her.. so micromananger might not be the appropriate word.  But we’ll just focus on the when the temple was opened in 2001… she’s pretty much worked every day without a break.  I’ve tried to get a real example of what types if any vacations she’s been able to have in this time period.  I guess the most recent was a few years back they went to an animal sanctuary for a weekend here in Utah.  I think earlier on prior to opening the temple there was much more traveling in her history.  But since the opening of the temple.. 23 years ago… I’m going to generally say which isn’t accurate but I’d say a couple of years she might take a weekend or possibly a week off.  So out of 276 months of opening she literally might have taken off 2 or 3 months… now even if she has taken 10 months out of 276… I feel this is crazy… hehe… definitely what I would call a workaholic… Now I don’t want to go into why she has done this… I want to go into what I don’t want to do.  I would not like to be at the top of a pyramid.  With this big of project there would be a team of leaders who help maintain and create visionary future projects to come… and I’m assuming this team will morph and grow with new members and different numbers as reality ebbs and flows.  But I highly value rest and relaxation so people are at 100% of energy or as close to it… 75% might be acceptable… but anything below this isn’t really effective work results… again in my opinion and just giving the idea that…. People should have the ability to have time off to relax and explore.  Many creatives get inspiration from diversity… so the team members are going to be encouraged to get off property and explore and vacation… so instead of having to talk to one person to see what is supposed to be done on a daily basis… we all have an understanding where the direction of the projects are going… and are familiar with how we’d like to get these projects accomplished at the time.. so when someone wants a day off or a heck a month off… they can.  No one will feel like everything will collapse without their presence.  The team will trust one another and the process… which might not be present at first, but we are gong to be working on raising consciousness which means observing our emotional reactions and self talk… and putting ourselves in uncomfortable situations to our own personal extents.  So again I would not have this property attachment as my own child or baby… but that doesn’t imply that I wouldn’t feel responsible for being a steward of the space or land.  I would take this seriously… however… I trust the perfection of reality and have the perspective that my bodies responsibilities will not last as long as the temple farm land will last in this reality… so I’d do my best but realize future generations will be coming in and evolving with the times so constantly teaching and encouraging for everyone to teach what they are doing so we aren’t the specialist in a specific area… so again building skills in everyone and dropping the sole responsibility and the creation of the only one who can get it done right mindset.  So…. I’ve been thinking about an app being used at the temple.  

Now technology isn’t the wife’s best friend… hehe… of course she uses it but not to degrees say my generation is and definitely not to the youth… so yes… I’d start moving the encourage technology far more than what is happening currently.  So we can start with the app for the volunteers and service members who come on property… it would be a map to locate the buildings and areas on the property… where tools can be found and where it should be returned.  It’s kind of a joke but I was speaking to a computer programmer about possibly having the app be playful to encourage us to clean up after ourselves with the projects.. tools get placed anywhere and everywhere on project so somehow be able to track where the objects are placed and who had the tool so there’s a target area to return it to and it can be rated of how well our organizational skills are but truly being mindful that someone after your tools use will want this tool and would love to be able to go to the location and get it without spending unnecessary time to try to find it.  But to actually have a set location in the first place to find it would be a start.  And the tools we have would need to be looked at… I mean we use brooms, rakes, and shovels often on this property and they are not in the best of shape and very few of them available to use.  Again I understand that many of us volunteers don’t respect the tools that have been given to us because we personally don’t spend expenses to purchase them… so some can be more careless with tools… but also people purchasing the tools want to save on expenses instead of paying more to have more quality… so of course this is something to create balance in and will be maleable.  But there will be a big picture of what projects that are actually going on at the property.  When we first arrive many don’t realize the organic farm or animals, or building projects… again most of this information is inside a single leaders head… so we’d like to share the common daily and seasonal tasks that maintains the activities of the property… and also future visions of where projects are leading to.  Everyone that arrives have different personalities and experience they are bringing with them.  So if someone is coming onto property because they need to do 5 hours of community service… then we’d have options for them to choose from… ideally if they want to be alone doing this… or work in a group project… this would be organized for them to do this.  Jobs can be rated by difficulty levels as well… but volunteers say who want to be here for six months can have a better idea of not only the daily duties but start to look at the seasonal duties… and depending on their history of knowledge… step up to give advise and feedback in areas where we might not have direct experience and assist in tangible steps to take because of experience… i think that makes sense… I’ve met so many amazing people come through here which have passions in permaculture or animals… or many things… and instead of trying to hear what they’ve found successful in their experience… there’s a traditional way of doing things here so we just keep playing the same old record over and over again… I feel if we can have both of these playing along side would be nice especially when it comes to gardening and permaculture… we can continue some practices that have been found to work in this location… but also have space to try and research alternative options that might be successful or not… so I’m all for exploring and not afraid of making mistakes… this is where creativity really kicks in… so encouraging people to try ideas out… and again at a personal and group levels.  I don’t want this pyramid… I’d like everyone to be comfortable being leaders and sharing leadership roles… able to lead in one project we have the most experience and inspiration while at a different project allow someon else to step up because they have the most experience and inspiration in this particular project… so encouraging to build and empower ourselves… not a hierarchy model.  Now it might look like this at first but it will be a deliberate attempt to teach, but also have the students start teaching fairly quickly to newcomers while the original teacher observes and assists when needed… if anyone has taught anything… we learn far quicker and deeper when we teach… we start to break it down differently when trying to explain to someone else than just automatically doing something… so we become more mindful.  And the original teacher has had more time to be mindful in this particular areas so again… be able to assist in areas that are missed but also have constructive feedback for the student.  Communication is key… but anyway this can be the basics of the app…. But I’d like to have it be able to have links to instruction videos as well… if say someone isn’t around and they want to be introverted at the time so they can pop up a video that demonstrates how to accomplish the duty.  Things continue to pop up like possibly being able to help assist the international volunteers with possible international licenses, phone service assistance.. things to make it easier for them to be welcomed and comfortable as they arrive to a new country.  I’ll get to the larger picture of a global community later but I’m trying to stay local at this time with the ashram idea… specifically if this Utah property is something I’d like to really engage with.  

So I guess I’m going to tackle the devotees for a second now… there seems to be a hierarchy that is being encouraged from my observation.  I’ve been learning about their philosophies and I know I’m not going to do this justice but there are different classes to the human race.  Which works together to create a whole… simply what I’ve been seeing is their are priests here and for some reason the responsibilities seems to only pray and do offerings and not necessarily contribute to the community.  There are four whom I’ve been observing where it looks like when we are struggling in an area there’s not a willingness to step in and assist.  It’s as if this assistance is below them.  I’m not certain I agree with this… their mindset has a specific way of what is considered spiritual practices… so again serving at a temple has priority over say helping organizations that might be involved with community service… and also down to just helping someone who is not a part of this community isn’t favored… what I’m tying to say is the mindset is not very expansive… its very narrow and specific.  I’d like to encourage a broader view of what is spiritual practices… hehe.  Again the changes I would like to develop further and not right away just because I think such drastic changes will shock people… and of course I have no authority to place this but again I get to use this space for imagination… ideally this wouldn’t be a specific temple to a set belief system… it would just be a temple open to everyone and anyone… so say this is set into place… what would the priests do?  If they are not encouraged to sit in the spotlight to preach… but placed an any of us equal to share our practices and beliefs and experiences… but also being the listener and listen to anyone who wants to share their practices.  Let’s even take it a step farther… I’d like the altar with the deities and the statue of the guru placed outside of the temple and possibly into the homes of the devotees… so their rituals can continue and be much more intimate… and they have the opportunity to share this intimacy to ones who are interested in participating… so if this is removed from the temple… what will the priests do to contribute to the community?  Will they start to realize the system behind the temple that allows and affords them to practice their spiritual practices so freely?  Will they start to see how much work and effort it takes to maintain this property and would they be inspired to actually be a participant to help in the maintaining this space instead of expected everyone else to do this and this isn’t their responsibility?  To be honest this is why I deeply respect the wife say in comparison with the husband…. She is the foundation to allow this entire property to exist… and since she’s taken on this responsibility in possibly a degree of extreme intensity without caring about her own wellbeing… has allowed her husband to have much more time to relax and travel to be able to “preach”… everyone comments on how she’s negative or rude or whatever, but anyone working this much on such a large project without rest would presumably be the same.  I’ve tried to encourage her to rest and relax and release the reigns of responsibility to others to hopefully have her be more aware of how much better she feels when resting… and how the property doesn’t collapse when she’s resting.  And also in these past six months… I’ve seen a change… granted a very subtle small change on how she communicates… but I observe it.. so I know the rest is helping her out.  Just because I’m promoting rest… it’s just there seems to be an unbalance in our societies mindset… People like to work as well… I’d just like to be inspired to work or help because we want to not that we feel obligation to.  And again if we’re talking black and white… our help will be far more effective when helping at 100% compared to 10% energy levels.  There are three devotees that I see who are actively involved in maintaining the property to function… is there a correlation going on here… possibly because of the hierarchy that has been programmed into them?  The three who are making sure the system is moving forward are all females.  And the priests are all males… hmmm… I’m about equality in gender roles, but yes we can see when there seems to be an imbalance in our mindsets.  I mean I experienced for myself as being a female who’s passion is spirituality and Enlightenment… and where some do not take me seriously just because of my gender.  I mean there aren’t too many examples of Enlightened females in history.. I think it’s pretty cool when I found about the Buddhist Enlightened Goddess Tara with all her different shades of colors to represents a complex personality we all have… we actually share the same name… love that!  I’m around more Asian Indians being here and how I pronounce my name is the same way their word for star is… so it’s cool to hear people be able to remember how to pronounce my name… when most of my life people wouldn’t remember because a different way to pronounce it here in the states is more common than when my dad read the word Tara and had his own way of pronouncing it.  Many will ask if I was named after the goddess or the stars?  I laugh and say nope… I was named after the warrior princess in the warlord comic book series.  Anywho… straying away from the topic… But yes if the removal of the specific spiritual practices are removed to allow everyone to enjoy this space in our own way… three of them would still be able to continue without a glitch because they already have an understanding how this community lives without these material symbols of spiritual practices.  I’m not certain if their service they are already devoted to is considered devotional service in their minds… I would definitely consider them to be… and it’s funny when I explain this to guests that I’m explaining a more ideal approach to what devotional service is than what actually happens to most of our approaches, but that’s just how it is at times.  Anyway… the remaining three devotees are two teenagers and a wife who works off property to make an income outside of her husband’s volunteering.  That would be something to look at too… allowing volunteers to also have jobs if they choose to.  It would be nice to have them remove themselves away for a temporary period of time… but some also would like to stay in this environment but also not feel like they solely reliant on the temple as well…which is healthy.  Right now this is frowned upon… possibly because again they aren’t really trying to build long term community… if most are here for a very short period of time.. then they’d like the energy to be focused on assisting the community… however, if anyone wants to stay for months if not years… these rules should not apply..  Geesh I feel like there’s so much to continue and it feels like I’m only scratching the surface.. but let’s just keep moving on to get to the larger picture.  

So say the temple get’s transformed to where the primary focus isn’t to make money and to preach… then what would the space be used for?  Well the temple upstairs should just be sacred space for majority of the time for personal connection… I also feel having some group sharing opportunities in the space is also very beneficial.  We would have to get a new elevator because there are mobile restrictions to some of our guests who are not able to actually see the temple because it’s upstairs.  Some have asked if there are pictures to see what it looks like.  I took my IPad upstairs and did a video of the space for her to view to get a sense of what’s up there… but again this is a theory approach and not an experiential approach… she would gain much more value if she could get upstairs herself and take her time to explore and observe how her body, mind, and spirit responds to the space.  And so if we remove the clothing and jewelry in the gift shop area… I’d also move the desk office area in the nook out of the temple which again just collects clutter… this can be in a personal location… but it does have some intimate qualities to this nook so this could be the library section where people can come and read literature if they wish.  Like a library they would be able to take it for a period of time and return it once they are finished.  For guests who don’t live here locally can have the opportunity to donate to take the literature with them.  But there will be empty space which sounds wonderful to me… but upstairs in the temple will allow this… empty space is so satisfying… but since there are still going to be some more of an active activities here such as the dinner area.  So I figured we’d have a conversational lounge for the visitors and community to share with the visitors too.  Again we’d be encouraging sharing are diverse backgrounds so having spaces to encourage conversations will be designed in the layout.  There are tables setup up for the buffet and since we’ll reduce the buffet to the weekends.. during the week the tables can be used for conversations as well but we could possibly use it for classes as well.  So I like the increasing of a vegetarian diet for us.  I’m much more flexible in my personal diet, but I feel changing my awareness to my diet has been crucial for my spiritual expansion.  So I’m on board with promoting more awareness to our diets.  So helping the public learn delicious vegetarian dishes would be helpful for our local community outside of the property.  There are vegans who visit and we could also have classes with this as well.  Now I’d keep it vegetarian like it is currently… “ish”…. There are some items that aren’t included on the property now that I would allow in these classes and into the buffet dishes too… the first thing is mushrooms… they do not allow mushrooms because they are a fungus and not a vegetable or fruit… with all the benefits mushrooms allows for our digestive health let alone how huge they are for our natural landscapes… mushrooms are going to be our friends here.  Now we are all about consent so it’s not like we’re going to force anyone to eat them who wish not to participate… but this is not going to be a forbidden ingredient… hehe.. same as onion and garlic… I’m not knowledgeable about Ayurvedic diets; however, again I’d like to encourage this as a personal choice…  especially if we are getting taught to cook.. if one decides to flavor the dishes with onions and garlic that is their choice.  but I would have to say that  not promoting cooking meat in the temple is still very much encouraged.  Appetizing dishes without meat and ease of preparation and cooking will help encourage us to add more dishes of this manner is beneficial.  Another thing is there is so much sugar being used in the dishes right now… For some reason our cooks feel like our vegetables should be sweet as well… maybe because its frowned about by the owners to use spices… hehe this might have Indian food but it’s not what people think of Indian food when it comes to the spice levels… again which is absolutely fine but teaching about the spice pallet flavors and then allow us to adjust to our own desires is wonderful.  Just like sugar… I had reduced sugar in grand amounts before arriving here on property.. and now I see myself needing a sugar kick every other day.. hehe… so teaching alternative sweeteners and again if someone wants to add sugar to their dishes… they can do this personally but not assume everyone wants to taste sweetness especially when vegetable are delicious just by themselves… some of us enjoy our veggies taste.  Also there is no recycling system here.. now they do reduce their food waste by feeding the llamas with the scraps from preparation which is great… but in a kitchen there are a lot of waste from can goods, plastic and glass bottles, cardboard…etc. and being able to develop and maintain and grow this awareness is something I’d like to encourage.  What I’ve heard this isn’t necessarily in the mindset of Utah government or residents… so it would be nice to try to encourage this… and again not because I’m an expert… I just know increasing our awareness for future generation is healthy for our society.  I’ve personally been gaining awareness in reducing and reusing, but recycling is something I’m getting my toe wet with… so I could get more help in this area as well.  But anyway… having cooking classes throughout the week is what I’d like to encourage.  People who are attending the class can prepare, cook, and eat together… I can’t explain how much I enjoy this.  This is one of the favorite activities I share with my family members… we have Sunday dinners and being able to help make the homemade egg noodles and chopping up the chicken… possibly helping with the deviled eggs with family members preparing their own dishes to share is so satisfying.  And I wish for every holiday especially Christmas time… waking up and preparing and cooking a brunch together and eating in it with each other again is so desirable… so yes we can have classes but also just having community building time to prepare, cook and eat with the members of the community is a good thing.  

Now yesterday I mentioned the clothing and what to do with this… So again most of these items are donated… so actually allow people who want these items to give a donation for the items… we place these price tags on the items and some can be hundreds of dollars… I don’t agree with this approach… of course I’m not rolling in the dough either… but value of an item is personal… we dont’ want to be a storage of nice clothes… we want people to enjoy the clothes we have and take it away from the temple and wear it wherever they go and possibly returning to the temple with the outfit they got here… but literally use the word donation as something the buyer decides not the seller… we say the buffet is a $10 donation… there’s been a few times where people are unable to pay the $10 dollars… I allow them to eat and give what they can.  I’d be doing this for the clothes as well.. Some may think $20 for a top is nothing to their expenses while someone doesn’t have the budget for that top… why not just allow people to donate what they feel is the value they can give?  We are getting these clothes for free anyway.  And why not allow volunteer hours stack up to use the facility in different ways such as getting clothes or participating in classes?  Any way I want classes everywhere…. Hehe… I’ve wanted to create nonprofit about learning…but also a community design that focuses around learning… it’s so valuable… but let’s get to this at another time… it’s lunch and I’m getting hungry.  Also we’ll be leaving in the afternoon to go swimming and hiking so I might come back after lunch but most likely it will be late tonight or tomorrow… again I just have a lot on my mind that I’d like to share and get out of my mind.  Ok.. until next time… have a good one

[withinUverse]

Oh my goodness… what a wonderful afternoon and evening in the mountains by a river and a small walk up to have a picnic while the sun was setting… this was very much needed for all of us… three of us are volunteers and getting time away from the property was very necessary for our wellbeing.  But anyway…. Let’s see where we left off and continue the thoughts… ok… I see where I left off.. the nonprofit idea and also classes on learning… so yes this would be a possible way to earn some funds for the property, but honestly the value of having classes available and learning from whomever and whatever is around at the time would seem beneficial for anyone… but let’s try to make it more tangible.  So already mentioned the cooking classes… but there is a large space that is being used for storage currently… again ideally in my opinion this would be an amazing space for more activity areas and doesn’t have to be on the quiet side of spiritual practices.  Using this space for possibly obvious activities as asanas, but many spiritual practices have included dance, music, and singing… so I’d highly encourage this space to do this as well… but of course I’m not going to exclude physical activities where we can get into the flow state… any time we get into the flow state is a spiritual practice regardless of what that is… but I’d love to install a floating floor to help cushion our joints and everything… but we can add activities such as acro yoga, capoeira, the list can go on forever… but also we cannot exclude artistic activities… I get so many messages in this type of flow state.. so it might be in the activities pavilion or inside where the kitchen tables are.. but anyway there are going to be classes.  And of course for beginners the flow state doesn’t automatically start when learning… but there are glimpses and if we find something we are enjoying we build up the desire to continue multiple experiences to eventually getting into the flow and truly seeing the value in this state.  I’m not certain if there is going to be set classes all the time… of course I feel like some would be staples but I really like the idea of how many interesting people that have come by the temple that have unusual or cool hobbies and passions… so allowing pop up classes to occur just because there’s someone who specializes in an area and would be willing to share.  I can really go on and on about classes and examples but haven’t I already done this when I was talking about my nonprofit before?  I believe so… if not I feel we get the picture.  And I just have to mention that of course there will be kids classes… and empowering children to teach classes as well… children teaching adults I know from experience was extremely beneficial for my growth and understanding.  I started teaching adults around 9 to 10 years of age… and that’s been huge for my confidence and ability to understand that regardless of age… we can enhance in skills that adults might not have wanted to so… the multiple experiences in areas doesn’t depend on our age… it depends on our desire and time we’ve put into understanding a specific area.  So this helped out definitely not to blindly follow supposed authority figures… even though this did not stop me from giving respect.  I don’t think I”m going into this right now… again I feel like I’ve already touched on this in past journal entries.

Spiritual practices are not a narrow set of practices that are labeled spiritual… these practices expand far greater than societies definition of what’s spiritual or not… everything is spiritual and so our practices will be diverse… because introducing up to a variety helps us grasp and create in a more expansive way.  But also many people haven’t given themselves time to explore what really interests them… but also cost could definitely stop people from trying something out for the first time when we don’t even know if we’d enjoy it or not.  So having classes available for people to at least give new activities a try would be beneficial for a community.  Classes will also expand into the farm of the ashram too.  There are so many people I’ve met here that is interested in permaculture and plants and herbs… on and on.. and why not have a facility to again allow people to explore their ideas and get the chance to get our hands dirty… it’s amazing to get our hands dirty people… haha… but not only for food purposes… but how to regrow plants for reforesting the land… so there’s a scrap yard right next to the property and I was asking a few guys interested in plants… and I asked them… you know… what would be the steps to take to remove any toxic waste that vehicles sitting in a location for years would inevitable leak fluids into the earth… how would we bring the land back to life?  And I was happy to hear without hesitation what their ideas are… I don’t know the exact terms they used but there’s companies that can drop of wood chips and scrap branches and trees directly onto property… there’s bacteria or even mushroom species they would use on this location which works miracles in creating healthy soil… and they listed plants that also know how to pull toxins out of the soil… they were projecting a maximum of two years… but they would also suggest to go ahead and plant while this process is happening shortly after they start.  They were talking about making forest quickly by consistently chopping off the tops of trees and plants to help them want to grow faster.  I asked about different processes I’ve heard about one example about burning the land and using activated charcoal… they suggested that the land known around this areas doesn’t necessarily need more alkaline in it and they would suggest something different.. but they said honestly they don’t know since nature brings in fires around the surround landscape more often than not… so any way… they don’t have the space to do this for themselves… but what if this property could allow them to try these practices out?  Again by sharing with the community and also open to have the community share their experience and ideas to implement.  I’d assume there will be some areas where it doesn’t go as planned and not being afraid of these moments… because we can actually see what works and what doesn’t so we can continue down the list of alternative solutions… I’d encourage a green house that is functional… there is one but no one uses it through the fall and winter months… only in the spring to prepare for the planting season… I feel like I can go on and on in all these areas.. but I am trying to get to the idea that’s opening up a window to a global community… and there’s just so much I can say about the current location… I’ll just quickly try to finish up this temple so I can get to an insight that I would have never had thought to approach until a few weeks ago… so let’s go to the animals quickly.

The main thing that I’d first change is the water quality and storage for the animals.  I do not like the containers with standing water… it just too ripe for the wrong bacteria and whatever grows in standing water that we don’t want around our property or inside the animals.  This would be a little trickier because ideally I’d like to have station setup to where not only we humans can have wash areas and bathrooms… but installing a pipe system to circulate the water so there’s not any standing water.  I’m sure there are solutions already out there… I’m just not familiar with it… this goes more into if I was building a community from scratch and prioritizing how to filter, harvest, store water from rain and snow and integrating it to the system to help water plants, animals, and the entire landscape… but yes I’ve been putting smaller buckets around for them and I just change the water more often then these large vats holding water just because it looks like much cleaner and healthier water for the animals to drink specifically the llamas and cows… the birds have little dishes already for water… and the koi pond already has fountains and waterfalls to circulate the water and as we use gravity fed lines to water the gardens we can pump the well water into topping the water back up again… but specific to this location… there’s definitely opportunities to store water from rain and snow especiallly… I’d think we’d can find was to effectively use it to nurture the property in many ways.  But animals themselves are amazing to care for and again if you’re an animal lover we already know all the benefits they afford to be around them.  I’m still not certain about the whole separating the herd male to female… I understand regulating the population… but watching these poor guys suffering this spring… I’m like why can’t we allow them to have a little fun… hehe… I know one main reason is not having llamas being born during the winter… I’d suggest for a future project to redesign the barn to have a structure where it can be a shelter from the elements as well.  Shelter from the winter and the sun here in Utah… suggesting some type of earthen structure to help regulate temperatures and the use of thermal mass… I’d like that for part of the green house too… but that’s details that I don’t want to get into.  Now the birds… hehe.. this is the first time dealing with domesticated birds for me.  I”m not certain how I feel about this…hehe… there’s an African Grey who is super sweet but the three Macaws seem grumpy and miserable.  Now.. if I was put into their position I wouldn’t be happy either living indoors and cooped up in cages or even aviaries… they have been domesticated to the point that they are capable to fly but they don’t know how or they don’t remember or what’s the use when they don’t have much space.  Also I hear having a bird extends their life span to around 80 years old… the oldest bird here is 20… so all of these birds potentially will be here for another 60 years plus… that’s a long time to not live in a more natural setting.  Yes we are a sanctuary of sorts… but are we really give them a habitat that allows them to flourish… can domesticated birds be rehabilitated to return to the wild?  Or can we train them to fly again?  I don’t know but I feel this is a step towards the direction to give them more happiness in their lives.  Also wow… I know everything uses the restroom… but it’s messy and it’s everywhere… so I don’t know how beneficial their feces is as a fertilizer… but I thought instead of aviaries in the cabin… what about the green house?  Possibly?  They are cool but I’d like to really see if the best steps would be a sanctuary or rehabilitation?  I don’t know but I’ve been thinking what actually would be best for the animals.  This is tricky for me… because I absolutely love them and want to treat them as pets in a way… but what is the more conscious approach?  I’d love to brainstorm with people to see what solutions can be brought to the table.  

I did mention housing already correct?  Again probably something not right away… but having more housing options to grow a community ashram would be recommended… obviously the sooner the better.  But the community I’d encourage here isn’t so everyone permanently stays on property… I’d still encourage the temporary living still… generally housing available for people sho want to stay two days to two weeks to two months up to two years consecutively… once they hit the two year mark we’d encourage them to get out of the bubble and explore and see what opportunities to gain in this world.  If there’s a case they want to return… I’d think they’d have to have a minimum of six months before returning.  Details that aren’t official just in a random thoughts sort of way.  I could go into the housing deigns as well, but again tonight it feels like I want to not dwell on the details of this property as much… as we can see there are ideas I’d like to introduce… only if the owners were open and willing to see a transformation to their baby… which I”m not certain they would be for or against.  Haven’t brought it up so I don’t know.  But what I’ve been trying to get to and I think I want to explore more… is this nonprofit idea…. It’s not new to think about a nonprofit, but I’m seeing a window of how I can use a nonprofit to open up to a global community.  (Ok… where to begin… I’m going to take a quick break and smoke my pipe for a little bit before I tackle this idea) 

Ok… after taking the break I feel like I’m going to backtrack a little bit because there one detail I didn’t mention to what has happened when I took a break from journaling which seems to apply because it started to get me into  this new idea… I did submit my storytelling application to National Geographic Society.  It was by the hair of my teeth to submit it on time because factors played a part on submitting the information online that i didn’t know i was going to run into… anyway… i think I had 9 minutes to spare for the deadline.  I still would absolutely love work within their network, but I”m also confident that it’s going to play out with or without their support.  The results are supposed to be announced sometime in August… so what is the underlying goal that I was trying to get at in this proposal?  I wanted to expand the definition of spirituality and how we define spiritual practices.  I wanted to present my approach to show an approach that might not look like it has structure but ultimately it’s not a human way of structure but a structure trusting the universe’s mind beyond human thoughts.  I guess I haven’t been able to find a good way of explaining this… but anyway… I was hoping to partner with an organization that has established itself in reputation and sharing diversity and future sustainability for this planet we find ourselves involved with.  So again I see this as a spiritual organization even though society or governments wouldn’t label it a spiritual organization… because they value transparency and exploration… I thought this would be an ideal partnership to help show this universal approach to spirituality to expand our mindsets but also possible laws that are currently placed which seem to be limiting exploration into our spirituality.  I think I’ve been trying to find a way to work with a system that has so many labels and rules to narrow our definition of what spirituality is and what religion means and what it has to look like in specific areas… as if our human desire isn’t to expand beyond human survival mode into a universal harmony and gratitude of what this reality really is.  I feel like there are windows of opportunity to follow these rules but the content that can be shared actually helps assist in expanding these rules to not be so rigid.  Geesh writing this out I can see so many people assuming that I’m promoting some type of anarchy… it’s not exactly this but by definition it might seem like that’s what I’m going for… but I’ll try to continue my explanation and we can see if anarchy is what I’m trying to encourage or not.  So in a way… finding a way to stay in the parameters of the rules but to demonstrate or show example why the parameters can be expanded.  So I’ve been thinking about this ashram.. and there’s so much that flies in and out of my mind… but I thought there’s no way I can be involved with this temple because first of all I’m not a Krishna devotee and this is a ISKON temple.  I”m not willing to be a devotee just to help be a steward of this temple and land… but I’d really like to see this place flourish regardless of whatever the label people want to place on things.  But since I’ve been here I’ve been noticing some benefits of having a religious organization… of course I’ve been observing for years now and so it’s been seeded way before I came to this location.  I mean… when I look at visiting new countries and looking at the visa options… I wish I could come as religious visa but again I’d have to have an established relationship with a specific religion.  Again which is something I wasn’t even entertaining before… another seed is having a friend who has been currently trying to create a new religion and listening to the steps he’s having to take to get this religion approved.  I love the idea of a nonprofit but I hadn’t considered having a religious nonprofit… because in my conditioning religion had a bad taste in my mouth… because of the examples of religions I’ve been experiencing.  But what if participating in a religious nonprofit can open opportunities to be an example of what I feel is more on the lines of spirituality growth and not necessarily through the structure of religions?  Now I can wait for our collective to realize that spirituality is just as important as religions… and wait for policies to expand and update… or is there a way to go forward using their definitions to have the opportunity to show a new example?  I saw there are many benefits religions seem to have over nonreligious organizations even in the nonprofit sector.  In the States by law there is supposed to be a separation of church and state.  Where there are still many rules to follow to qualify as a religion; however, there does seem to be room to play because there is somewhat a perceived idea of separation.  There’s an extent to too many questions that’s appropriate to ask about religious practices… there’s somehow a line that shouldn’t be crossed…so is that wiggle room?  Ok… I’ve briefly started looking into how to submit a 501c nonprofit religious organization and one example I saw this wiggle room is having a doctrine of the history… geesh… let me see if I can get actual wording instead of trying to recall everything accurately… where is that… one moment… 

So I was looking it up and I found that I was reading about exemption for a church on form 1023 a formal code of doctrine and discipline… for me ideally I’d not want that to be a requirement because literally from my own spiritual growth towards Awakening… i barely ever touched a scripture to be able to elevate spiritually… so I feel this could be a way but for me it was just tangling our minds in theory which is far different from direct spiritual experiences and ultimately spiritual embodiment.  I read somewhere that the government couldn’t technically ask to read the doctrine since the separation law thing.  But… honestly I was reading a bit and navigating through the IRS… and even noticing that 501c exemption is not the only way to proceed forward… there are religious organizations out here that aren’t exempt status I’m sure.  But yes it feels like there’s more to explore.  But maybe I can go into my idealistic view yes before I search for the tangible way of approaching this.  

So since this doctrine thing isn’t really my thing I was thinking about nondenominational and interdenominational.  I tend to prefer the term nondenominational but interdenominational applies really well too… hehe… I want to include anyone and everyone… so if I steer towards interdenominational this implies inclusion of multiple religious beliefs… granted it seems that it implies multiple Christian denominations… but what if it includes every religion around the world down to shamanism… and the doctrines are already there and there’s no need to create one which I don’t want to do in the first place.. hehe…

wait… how am I going to approach this?  There is still research that I want to do to get more direction on how to guide this process… but what has been motivating me to explore further into this option?  I find it valuable in my spiritual approach to learn from everyone.  When I started to travel to countries outside of the States… I found a spiritual practice that completely amplified and exponentially expanded my consciousness into levels I thought would take decades to achieve.  So… yes the ability to travel and get introduced to different spiritual practices around the world I would highly encourage.  Even though I found spiritual practices that is highly effective… I’m still getting messages to continue my travels around the world and learn about spiritual practices because there’s always more to elevate into this existence… so variety is healthy.  I know I’ve said this before but having the concept of biodiversity in our spiritual practices I feel is super healthy just like nature’s biodiversity nurtures a natural setting to thrive.  So there are two examples of religions where I am currently that allows this opportunity to travel around the world specifically for spiritual reasons.  In Utah we have the Mormons.. they’ve created this gigantic network of sending their members all over the world for spiritual practices.  That’s what I would encourage as well… now the ones who are missionaries that travel are trained to preach and hopefully convert… which obviously isn’t what I would be promoting… hehe… I’m not much of a one way spiritual communicator… I’ve found the word preach hasn’t been giving me a good taste in my mouth as well… hehe.  But they also have service missionaries which this approach isn’t necessarily to preach, but to serve in their local communities.  I really love this idea.  I find myself looking for opportunities to serve wherever I find myself.  I’ve joked around with the service missionaries that come to the temple… that I’d love to have the resources that has been given to them… all of these locations that are open to having people volunteer at their locations.  So combining the two concepts sounds more in alignment of what I could see as something beneficial to spiritual growth… service missionaries that travel the world and volunteer with the local communities.  Not to go and change the new cultures beliefs systems but to be introduced to their practices to see if it can be beneficial or not to include in our personal practices.  But again… yes we can use the typical definition of what spiritual practices are… but again through my personal journey I’ve been able to expand past the typical definitions so also encouraging opportunities to immerse ourselves into this new environment as a curious explorers… not with an agenda to accomplish but just allowing expansion opportunities to arise just through pure curious exploration of the culture and the land.  Now ideally our intention is to expand into a global community… so going to diverse locations again not to change anyone to become what we are… but to be able to have the diversity exist and actually experience the benefits of community even when we have differences.  Differences doesn’t automatically apply as negative or bad… at least it creates interest since its a different approach of viewing reality.  At least I’d hope it creates interest… hehe… it would be great if we already had a community established which could be a base where we can get our feet wet… when their our challenges that arise again a community to where we can rest and regroup before giving it another go.  But its pretty impressive how the Mormons have been able to build this system… I think I saw there is about 88,000 current missionaries at any given time serving missions in over 400 mission locations… an entire system that helps gets passports and visas… preparation through language education and culture… its pretty cool in my opinion.  When looking at the types of  visas I always thought it would be cool to have a visa for spiritual purposes because the amount of time that can be spent in this country is far greater than a regular visitors visa.  I know the Mormons primarily focus these missions for people under the age of 25, and throughout their lifetime they may participate in possibly two missions.  Well… this would be a practice I’d like to implement for all ages… and to do it as many times as we are called to personally.  Hmmm… i was just thinking that it’s fairly easy for American Mormons to travel for their missions around the world…. But I don’t know if this applies to Mormons outside of America… is it just as easy for them to travel for missions?  I have a Mormon buddy in Peru… I wonder if the access is similar or not?  Hmmm… this could be technically be part of the discipline, correct?  I know I read things about distinct from existing religions… it’s definitely similar but yet it’s different as well… that’s what I feel like I’m doing is taking traditional religious practices but putting a twist on them and collaborating them together… there’s a lot about global community ideas I was having… but I feel like I’m winding down for the night.  It’s getting late again and so we’ll just continue this next time.  Good night! 

[withinUverse]

Woohoo!  I didn’t realize Leo posted some videos again… that was a happy surprise.  Plus of course I support his content and really appreciated the vulnerability in the second half of the psychology of being wrong.  So glad he took time for himself… again we want him at his full energetic potential as much as possible.  I thought I might do his exercise about all the areas I’ve been wrong… but I feel like I’m pretty vulnerable here… so I’ve done this in a long drawn out manner..hehe.. and this is something that stands out to me when I speak with people… spiritual work.. true higher consciousness training one will be able to admit how wrong our thoughts can be… and become quite humbled from this.. and more cautious moving forward… not sure that’s the correct word, but if we’ve seen how many mistakes we’ve done we understand more will come and so understanding and communicating this honestly makes it easier and easier to try things out regardless if we are “wrong” or not… hehe… what specific traps does my personality might be susceptible to sounds like a good exercise to do on here though… Because I keep finding myself running a few programs that are engrained just being here in an ashram for the past six months that I can share… and I’m sure there’s more insight I gain from it too.  In fact I feel myself… pulling myself out of a few of them and trying to ground myself to what really calls to me.  Let’s give it a go… I’ve only been on this online Journaling thing for a year… so I actually haven’t had the opportunity to do any of his exercises on here while the videos are being posted… so this seems like a good entry to try out.  And the saying that there are some who love to learn… I liked to express what I’m learning from these traps I’ve found so far… so let’s see what happens and where it goes… 

So let’s see…. The first thing that might have thought to be a trap and I was cautious when I first arrived was observing a very powerful lady who can be on the negative and demanding side.  I was cautious because I’ve dealt with this style of personality in fact we had a conversation pretty much the first few visits to her about it’s hard to work for leaders because my high standards of leadership.  She wanted to have examples… and I told her some and giving examples that I thought might be the case I’d run into working with her, but not saying it in that manner.  Not only was there a trap of working under this leadership style… I also know of my history of being extremely involved with my work environments.  I find that I go and observe and see what I can do to help the system work “better”… hehe… which I know I just went through all these changes I’d do to this temple… but again this wasn’t my original goal here.  I was here to relax in an ashram setting… but this is where it came to, but this is because I’m debating whether I’m going to step in to a position where i”m more engaged for future partnerships… this hasn’t been determined… I still am allowing time and space to see where or if this partnership will continue.  So the first trap was judging the lady to be at the same consciousness level as my past bosses.  I’ve been able to observe her and sympathize why she might be in this state.  I was also falling into the trap thinking my consciousness levels haven’t increased to be able to navigate these types of situations like I hadn’t grown from my past.   And this isn’t true… my navigating has matured; however, still so much room to grow.  I mentioned that I got snippy at her last Friday… and in fact I got snippy with her again today.  But we were able to talk it through… it seems to be getting triggered when she starts yelling at me and me getting all snippety back… again I’d hope this wasn’t my reaction, but I see this is still happening.. but I feel when this happens its almost being a mirror to whom I’m speaking with for them to see how it feels to be treated the way we are treating everyone around us.  I notice when I get upset with her; she doesn’t like it… not because we have differences of opinions… because we’re not arguing about differences of opinion… but the fact that my demeanor of communication has changed in these instances where it’s agitated and irritable… Again… usually I’ve very calm and she has liked that about me.  When she is getting in fights with devotees or her husband… usually I’m not involved but try to calm people’s temper and she points out that I never get mad at her.  Well… it seems like I’m getting mad at her now and I think that’s making her uncomfortable.  Now, I’ve been able to express to her is she’s initiating these outbursts which triggers in me the same reaction.  Again I hope to continue to develop to not mirror, but I feel she’s starting to understand that I only respond in this manner when she’s in an outburst state with me.  Now… I hope she will one day not only to not approach me in this manner but to start redirecting her communication with everyone with more respect and calm nature… I”ve already seen this happening… but conditioning takes time to change so it’s not an overnight thing.  And I am not expecting her to change overnight, but do I see effort and improvement… yes and I can appreciate this and work with this as well.  I know I’m falling into a trap with her about not expressing myself fully.  I know there’s things that are building up and I know it’s not healthy to keep this bottle up… that’s probably why these outburst reactions are coming out right now.  I was able to mention a few things… but we did not have a deep discussion which is needed.  I’ve been trying to be patient and allow time for her to observe my personality and demeanor and been waiting for her to put down the walls to actually get to know one another.  I faced that wall within the first few visits and I’m not going to try to waste my energy breaking this wall down… so I’ve been patient. 

This trap I find myself in by getting very involved with my work environments… I’ve been noticing for years about this… so I’ve been more aware of my habit to do this… so this isn’t the first time working on this, but honestly I knew I was going to be able to help but on what I would say my capabilities are on a very low standard.  Well… high standard with minimal energy.  So I haven’t been stepping in doing as many projects to show how well rounded I can be… because I have been building a mindset… this is not my project… this helps me keep some distance… I say high standard with minimal energy because I am who I am.. so whatever assignment she asks of me I do to my best of my abilities… but I’m also trying not to go above and beyond.. because I haven’t had the acceptance of who I am fully here.  This is something that I again continue to remind myself… while I’m here I am stunted in my communication but with only a very select few on the property.  I still get very personal and transparent with majority of my relationships here… but when it comes to the actual Krishna devotees… there’s a gap… they’ve all assumed I’d be like past volunteers coming to try to convert them as my main mission… so stopping me from having conversations about this.. has created a bit of suppression in communication within me… I’ve been trying to express my spiritual understandings in passive ways by having conversations with people in public so what’s being said can be heard if anyone is curious enough to listen… and I feel not much conversations go without notice with her.  So again I feel like I’m playing a chess game with her.. which really I wish wouldn’t be the case… but it is where we are.  And the chess game is just for us to be grateful to have one another in each other’s lives at this time.  We’re getting there… even on my end… like I said I had jumped to judgements without getting to know her… just like she was doing to me.  We’ve been observing each other and we’re both getting more comfortable working together.  Again I sympathize with all of her responsibilities she’s placed on her plate… but that’s it… she made her own dish to consume herself… and there seems to be much more drama on her plate that I don’t really want to be involved with.  But also maybe I’m calling in drama as well… lol… I’ve been known to be quite dramatic as well.  But I’ve been seeing where there’s this atmosphere of urgency and importance in all the tasks around the temple… that just isn’t necessary.  If we need to brush the llamas for a picture it has to be now!  If we have to fix the hose to the sprinklers for the birds it has to be now!  If someone who was talking to me decides to go and grab some tape thinking it will help the project… it’s the assumption that I’m bossing people around as if I’m the authority of the person’s action… when in reality I’m not going to stop someone from doing something they want to help with.. especially when the tape can be used for many projects on property. lol… these are not life and death situations and placing everyone in this state is just unnecessary and just waste too much energy.  I’m trying to think if there has been anything of an emergency that has happened on this property in the six months I’ve been here?  In my opinion… no… I wasn’t on property when we lost a baby llama… I was still living in the neighboring town… I came to volunteer right after this lady had fallen and broken her wrist and bruised her rib by trying to carry a baby llama to shelter… again I could see being able to make this situation a priority and to move quickly to get assistance.. but I wasn’t here in these moments.  Mostly what we do is very standard duties but yet there’s so much urgency and importance into everything mostly because our leader is yelling all the time and flustering everyone which leads to reactions that aren’t necessarily the responses we’d be getting if everyone is just calm about it… hehe… so before i moved in I was also able to get a room that wasn’t on property.. I thought there would be no way I could last here if I had to sleep in the same cabin as the owners.  Placing myself in these unnecessary heightened and negative situations I knew was going to be a lot of draining of energy… so having that around me for everyday seems like a trap… hehe.. so I was able to get that lined up.. plus I got my schedule to help give her rest from the temple during the evenings a bit… by working 4 evening shifts but having 3 days off… many do not do this… there’s another devotee and staff members who don’t live on property that shares these same shifts… again I knew I wanted to focus on resting… which comes to another trap I placed myself into.  

Before I moved in here I was looking for a job… having money allows more freedom, but I knew if I was to move onto property… this would be a trap…. I would not have any income coming and this means I would be more reliant on the housing and food and activities that are allowed at this ashram.  I kind of ok with delayed gratification.. and again being uncomfortable is a good thing for temporary periods of time… so I was willing to see how I would responde to this trap I placed myself in.  It’s obvious that I’m working on my conditioning to money… but my conclusions have been this supposed lack of money has given me so much benefits… which again leads to another trap of being comfortable of just thinking this is the only way to gain benefits… I know I’ll continue to learn with money as well.  But what have I been learning in this situation for putting myself in this trap?  Well first of all… I’m super grateful there’s a space that allows this to even be possible for me to experience.  I absolutely love the opportunity to reflect without having to occupy my energy to worry about survival needs.  I have a room with my cat Elvis where we mostly have solitude which is a blessing.  I really love the fact I have access to a bath tub… hehe.. sounds trivial but this is a ritual that gives so many benefits to my energy and peace levels and the ability to feel like I’m nurturing my wellbeing.  Again this is my first ashram experience and I’ve been able to not run away for six months to get a real appreciation of what this environment can provide not only for myself but for anyone.  And I guess this is why I have gotten to the point of what changes I would make, because I understand that I’d like to be building or assisting in community design and I can live pretty simply and be satisfied with this, but I also can see subtle improvements… I’m not sure if this is a trap inherent in me as well… is looking for solutions… hehe… possibly… but I feel this is where I am currently.  Again might be trivial to some, but not having the freedom money can afford in this setting does not give me freedom to eat what I’d like to eat.  So again for me this is a delayed gratification technique… I’ve gone so long eating the same things over and over again… that I can see how this is going to give me much more appreciation to have a kitchen and choosing ingredients that I enjoy but adding variety to it.  Now there are some dishes that I enjoy but having them over and over again the dishes don’t become as appetizing anymore.  I feel I also have observed how much I enjoy having more raw food options… they serve veggies here but it seems like they are overcooked and have to have some type of sauce or syrup of all things on them… why?  lol… we have a vegan chef here and I feel like we’re missing out on a huge opportunity to not really learn more of the different options she can share with us.  Now she has been doing some dishes which my body has absolutely loved and now craves for the diversity… hehe… but we don’t have to be a chef to be able to share our dishes… I like to cook as well but there hasn’t been room to share.  I don’t have a kitchen at my spot so I’m looking forward to having a kitchen again.  I can just see how much more I’ll appreciate having this again.  I feel like I’ve fallen into this trap myself when I feel like I have a limited budget to work with same as the temple… it’s just safer to buy the same things over and over again because you can get the bang for the buck… but wow… having the choice of the ingredients still is far more desired than not having the option.  I still find ways to get out to restaurants from time to time just to get a break… but my body is craving it and so it feels like my desired is really yelling at me lately… hehe.. but I also see the diversity in people’s diets since I’ve been here and again allowing these diversities would be something I’d encourage.  I’m not saying that we have to have an open menu with meat included… I like the vegetarian option in an ashram… but even this we can have so much more variety.  And i mentioned this whole syrup in the veggies thing and why?  Why is it decided for anyone to eat this dish that it has to have syrup in it?  I’m sure it’s just as easy to not have it in there and when someone wants to add this they can, but that decision can be personalized.  That’s just one example… but we get what I’m saying… everyone who comes to eat assumes this food is healthy food… the temple implies it’s healthy because it’s vegetarian… but there’s so much sugar and let’s just say unnecessary ingredients that doesn’t have to be in the dishes and could be a choices for someone to choose if desired, but also not have to if one wishes.  Not having access to a kitchen is not ideal either.  I don’t believe many volunteers at the cabin use the kitchen there either.  I’m uncertain anyone feels comfortable using the facilities… it seems some access isn’t available there as well, but I’m thinking there’s a cleanliness thing going on there as well with the birds and just a bunch of clutter.  But right to have a property setting to setup a community… food is something important to consider.  We also talk about this farm as an organic farm, but most of our food is store bought.  I’ve been here for the winter and spring… and yes we just had summer solstice but what has been from the garden that I’ve been eating?  We’ve had butternut squash dishes that were about to be frozen and eaten in this season… we’ve got zucchini which has also been frozen and stored… we had a few apricot cobblers that came out of the freezers.  That’s it that I know of.  I might be able to see what get’s produced from the gardens but honestly I don’t see a ton of produce that’s going to come out of it.  We have a green house that doesn’t get used either… so… how do farms work this out?  Farmsteads I guess… I’m guessing what we have in gardens could do well with a small family, but when it comes to a community… we’d have to have them larger and also use the green house effectively.  Grocery shopping isn’t out of the picture of course… but it’s challenging for me to promote organic vegetables and fruit for the buffet when one dish if we’re lucky has our organic produce.  Even though this is the season for gardens… should we be setting up the greenhouse as well?  Getting produce started for the fall and winter months?  This is what I’d assume, but again I’m not a gardener and just thinking out loud.  

Because I’m not making any money… which by the way I don’t know if this is a practical rule here too… not being able to work while at the ashram… it feels like a trap all over it… not having the opportunity for people to make money while living in this community.. it seems more like a control power play.  But again it’s possible because they’re not really wanting long term volunteers here.  I mean I’ve been able to do it and feel ok, but I’ve seen a few volunteers who would’ve loved to stay on property but they wanted jobs to make money which had to move off property because of it.  I’m not sure why there isn’t a system where rent can be paid in supplement of the time not volunteering that is required.  Maybe even offering pay after the volunteer hours have been done.  But again… this defeats the purpose of resting at an ashram though too… hehe… tricky!  

I just got back from my evening walk to give snacks to the neighborhood horse… she’s a dancing horse and she’s wonderful… but it does seem like I don’t mind placing myself in traps… it really helps me observe my maturation process… each time i find myself in similar situations, I observe where I’m growing and where I’m still a bit short in i guess… but let’s continue the process

First of all this whole money thing… If I had a bank account that affords me the freedom… at this point in my life… I wouldn’t have allowed the time of day to see any of the benefits that I found here.  I know for sure I wouldn’t have gained as much trust in humans and get better at communicating…. Which I’m going to continue growing in… but I also know there’s a part of me that thinks that money is going to corrupt me in some way… that I won’t still approach my life in the same manner and damn it… I love my life and my approach… so there are things that are going to differ, but many of my attributes with stay in tacked but ultimately I would assume it would open doors further to experience and learn from.    I’ve already been establishing minimizing material belongings and again I’ve been living a full life without much monetary means… I just don’t see how I’d just forget the wisdom I’ve gained already… I feel like I’ve been living several lives in this current one I find myself… and I understand that money is going to increase… but I see this life as always learning lessons to benefit my conscious level… and if money isn’t a part of it yet… I’m still going to appreciate life where I am… that’s not going to change if money is a part of it as well.  I’m confident when it comes… I’ll be for more conscious about it than I would have any time before it.  So let’s move past money for now and see if it comes back… 

I’ve been finding myself in a trap when it comes to animals… hehe… I absolutely love and adore all types of animals and insects… but I do see this as a trap.  It’s so easy for me to want to be responsible for them… I was just telling a buddy of mine that I know this about myself and so it’s easy for me to assume to love them partially because I don’t want to feel the loss of attachment when I leave.  I know that I’m working to actually love them fully and not feel the attachment when I leave.  It’s easier for me to leave people… mostly because it’s easy to continue a communication and developing a connection with them by exchange contact information… but when it comes to an animal… it’s usually just a clean break understanding it’s highly unlikely to see them again.  I noticed this more when I knew that the llamas were going to get rented out for hikes and camping trips.  I realized a part of me started to get protective and possessive over their wellbeing… I was like how much history do we know of any of these people who are going to take the llamas?  How do we know they’ll take care of them?  One of the volunteers were helping me out and saying that they’ll be so happy to get off property and sightsee new land and a new atmosphere… I agreed they would enjoy this… and it wasn’t anything too serious, but then when I started hearing about the selling of the llamas… again… I was being possessive and even saw how selective I was to whatever llamase would be sold… I was looking at their personalities and figuring out who would be ok being alone.  I feel like there’s only maybe three who might be up to that task… but I also feel even though they like to be by themselves.. I feel they feel much better to be in a herd and choosing when they can get their alone time.  But once she gave me the list of llamas who were up for sale… I started to get them ready and groom them… spend more time with them and walking them… the first llama is going to a sheep farm to guard them… and when I saw the list I had a good idea of who would be chosen… I even took a last video with him before he left since I figured he’d be the one chosen out of the options.  But again in my head of was wondering why some of them were chosen over other ones.  I lucked out during the day the buyers came… I prepped the llamas, but then I guided a tour of visitors when it came to the final decision and taking him off property. I’m not certain if he would be the one I would have had as an option… the only reason why is because he’s still fairly young and he doesn’t feel comfortable being alone.  I couldn’t get him to be comfortable to take a walk around the property on his own… he always wanted a second llama with him.  But he’s sweet and he’s been in smaller sections pinned up since I’ve moved onto property so I love the fact that I think he’ll share I think it was 12 acres of land with the sheep.  And even though he doesn’t have any llamas… i think he’s going to have a big herd of sheep that he’ll have as company.  And since he’s young.. he should be able to adapt fairly easier than most.  I met and spoke with the family and they were all very sweet.  The owner was trying to encourage them not to use the llama as a pet, but I could see some of the daughters leaning towards giving him quite a bit of love though… hehe… so I’m happy for him.  Now we have another buyer who wanted six llamas and she was thinking about doing that but then decided that three would be her max.  There are only six llamas males to choose from.  The oldest, cloud wouldn’t be for sale because of his age and this is his home until he passes.  And technically there’s only five because she wouldn’t be giving away the alpha either… oh my goodness how miserable he would be to leave his herd… I couldn’t even imagine how we would have to deal with that.  But out of the five remaining.. I see them in two pairs and a solo… I thought one of the pairs wouldn’t be a consideration because most of the herd has the same bloodline as the alpha so the one who doesn’t would stay… but that’s actually not her approach.  She said that it’s fairly easy to connect with other llama breeders and exchange alphas to introduce new blood.  So she’ll try breeding him before he leaves so we’ll have babies with his blood line.  He’s a pretty sweet and handsome llama… he’s the second alpha… and he’s much more of a lover to humans than any of them.  His buddy partner will be going with him… and then the solo guy will join him.  So I’m trying to get them all to get along before they leave.  The solo llama picks fights and gets beat up.  He’s trying to challenge all the older llamas, but he’s not strong enough to make it up the ladder.  He’s actually a very sweet llama… I’ve been spending quite a bit of time with him because he seemed to always be the outsider of the male crew.  I’ve been allowing him to spend time outside of the ladies quarters and he’s loving that.  He’s in his own little section right now and I’d love for him to get larger land to enjoy… right now I just don’t know how to have him get along with the second alpha.  The third is a gelded llama so he doesn’t get into fights really… hehe… so I’m glad she told me the llamas… because again I can get my time with them before they go.  I’ve been thinking about these animals a lot lately… I feel like there’s an abundance of animals to take care of in comparison to the people who are willing to care for them.  So reducing the numbers is not a bad thing.  But that also got me thinking whether domesticated animals is the more conscious move for the animals themselves… I can obviously see the benefits we humans get to have the animals but what’s best for them?  Did I already talk about the parrots?  I think so… should we be rehabilitating them instead of sanctioning them for the next sixty years?  If we do sanction them… shouldn’t we be making a larger effort for them to be more concerned in creating a habitat for them to feel more like a parrot by helping them fly again and having trees and fruits for them to pick off the trees… not having to put them in cages… so much do i enjoy animals… and I definitely see a future having animals in my life… but I feel like there’s more to understand before assuming domesticated animals are the thing to do.  When they’ve already been domesticated… do we continue this?  Or do we try to rehabilitate?  Many questions I ask myself aren’t answered right away…and many times it’s very situational.  But we’re figuring this out… and I’m trying to figure this out in my involvement with animals too.  I mean I just got back from this neighborhood horse… the dancing horse.  I found her a few weeks ago and I’ve been back every evening since except when I went swimming and hiking a few days back.  I see myself getting attached… I had written a letter to leave on the gate to ask the owners if I can have permission to clean her area and if I had a chance to groom her and get to know her name… I didn’t say all of this… but that’’s what I wanted.. to establish a deeper relationship.  But I haven’t left the letter yet.  The reason I am drawn to her is because again she’s alone and in a smaller area than what I would deem comfortable for a large horse.  I see that hay is getting dropped off maybe every 10 days and I have to keep checking her water levels because it’s been so hot and it gets so low… good thing there’s a pump right there and I just fill it up.  But I start to think that if I establish a relationship with her… she can get more attention and not have to be lonely by herself.  But it can definitely be a trap getting attached to her.  I noticed once they dropped off the second bale of hay she’s not eating eating it as much.  I’m wondering if I’m getting her to think she can rely on my feeding her a bag full of alfalfa and grasses… instead of eating her hay?  Goodness.. I’d definitely not want her owners to think they can go longer periods of not feeding her too… so am I really helping?  If these animals aren’t really my responsibility… how much interference should I be doing?  As much as I’d love to care for these animals… I also know that I’m not in a position to want to be settled into a location.  That’s why I keep thinking about a shared community… many great people like to have the stability of staying primarily in one place… if I can visit from time to time to love on them… it would be awesome because I feel like I can love them but not lose them… hehe… I’d like to love them even if I lose them.  And I do… but not have this attachment… I don’t think I’m going to go into attachment at this time… I feel like I’ve addressed this already a couple times in this Journal.  

So… there’s another trap that I found myself in while I’ve been here and I’d like to go into it but I’m going to go to the grocery store to grab a snack before getting into it.  It’s getting late and I feel like I might be up a while longer and it would be nice to have a snack… hehe

what nice walk… yeah I think I’m good at the traps I”ve been noticing… and I don’t see them as traps anymore… I have tendencies and again… im gaining benefits from them… and i had been getting messages about possibly over sharing… ha!  So maybe it’s best that I take a while to get to the point mostly because I’m still just laying out possibilities in my mind… I‘ll leave it here for the night…. Good night

[withinUverse]

Ok… some interesting shifts are and have been happening around here… mostly there’s a family of three that moved into the guest house with me and Elvis.  They are devotees from Seattle and there are moving here pretty much permanently.  I guess there was supposed to be an apartment that was going to vacate to allow them to move in… which I don’t see the vacancy happening any time soon hehe… I heard some suggest they don’t have to unpack everything right now because we’ll get them moved into the alternative location.  Hehe… smh… ok so there’s not a whole lot of communication that goes on here at property.  Usually like for myself… I get the notice that someone is coming to the guest house usually the day of, and sometimes the day before.  So there’s no calendar that lets anyone know what’s going on.  Which if fine, we just always have to be flexible to shift things at any given moment.  Which again is fine… but i could see how things could actually be a bit more organized to help everyone involved.  So… this gentleman who is being asked to vacate… is the son of the previous owner of the house… who is still living in the house… Anyway without getting into too much detail… there’s a lot of belongings the son has, plus I think he might have a substance abuse issue which doesn’t allow him to fully want to be as cooperative as one might hope.  So there’s a maintenance man whose been here for over ten years who is not a devotee or live on property… but he likes to help to some extent and he’s the one saying not to have to unpack everything… I understand his wishful thinking of having the vacancy sooner than later… but I asked realistically do you think the son will move out before a month’s time?  Most likely not… so maybe it won’t be a bad idea for them to start unpacking and figuring out where their belongings are is not a bad thing.  Now this family has a lot of belongings.  They pulled in with a 26 foot U-Haul truck filled to the top completely… I helped unload their belongings into garage the morning after they arrived.  Not only were they moving their home belongings but the mother has an Ayurvedic medicine business and her oldest son has a EBay business… so anywho…many things.  We haven’t been able to close the garage door the last two nights because it’s overflowing… hehe… but they also needed some rest.  They’d been packing for five days before arriving here… so it looks like today they’re starting to make decisions and unpacking a bit.  But this has been interesting to have roommates and I’m curious how it goes.  So far I enjoy them… Elvis doesn’t know exactly what to do right now… but I think once it calms down, it’ll be good.  

There was a few days where the owner wife was not feeling good last week… so I was able to help manage the days when she actually rested which I’m glad she didn’t try to push it and just relax… we are not in life and death situations here… but it went smoothly… I found myself wanting to do many of the projects but instead getting people from one project split them and continue different projects to get things mostly done.  Just a few observations that I saw was an elder who’s been helping as long as I’ve been here; he comes on Fridays to volunteer.  I had set him on a project to power wash the main deck of the temple.  I was in a middle of a tour and he came to let me know that there’s another project that the owner wife wants from us.  We had to get three llamas brushed and ready for possible sale.  He also said that a devotee inside the temple would love to do the temple tour.  I said great… I told the tour that he will be assisting them.  We’re finishing up the outside tour and so we’ll get inside and tag-team so the tour can get the temple tour.  He wanted to help by saying the three people that would be needed to brush and grab the llamas.  I told him that’s not necessary right now.  It doesn’t take that many people and I asked him to continue finishing the power washing… He and his partner for the day had gotten half of the area done… so I said by the time you finish the other half your shift is done and go enjoy your lunch.  I have just been noticing some quirkiness that happens when people start to think you have some authority now… even though just a hair of some type of authority… there was another devotee who saw I was trying to repair a hose… which I think I already mentioned because the owner wife and I got into our second tiss because she started to raise her voice to me saying that I shouldn’t tell people to go buy things.  I said I didn’t tell her to do anything.  She decided on her own that she was going to do this.  I figured we could always use some more electric tape anyway.  We, the wife and I, fixed the hose together… and when the devotee returned she asked her to return the tape and get a refund.  And it almost seemed like the devotee was expecting that to happen… as if this was a weird “thing” they do… and that’s the thing the wife said that this devotee likes to use the credit card to buy frivolous items… and that’s what I explained to her… how am I supposed to know your history together…. I didn’t know this… how was I supposed to suggest to her that she shouldn’t go buy tape … it didn’t seem like a big deal and again this devotee has been living here for ten years… who am I to tell her what she can and cannot do… but yes… quirkiness and subtle dramas that’s been developing with the “staff”.  I ran into this when I wanted to talk to the maintenance man.  

So the day before I was helping manage the day shift and the final last hour after the tour I went ahead and wanted to start tackling the thistles that are overtaking a specific area.  The wife said that the thistle don’t grow every year but they are going to seed which just creates more to deal with the next year.. so it was just good to go ahead and cut them down and we’ll throw them in the dumpster which for us is a horse trailer so we can take it to the dump to dispose of trash.  There was the vegan chef there to help me and so we started looking for tools.. We grabbed the big lawn shears and we were looking for gloves.  As we were looking I saw the maintenance man and I figured he’d know where some good pair of gloves might be.  He told me and asked me what tools I was going to use to tackle the thistles… I told him I found three big shears…. I hear they’re not the sharpest so I have a file to sharpen them if needed.  He said well he just uses a shovel to knock them down and then just stab at the base to break the stems.  At first I thought he wanted us to dig the roots and I said she said it wasn’t necessary but then he mentioned the whole stabbing thing.  Well I told him I’ll take a shovel to see what works best.  So we drove the truck to the area and started… the shovel was not successful.. but again it wasn’t really the proper shovel to use… so I just started using the shears.  They weren’t super sharp but if I got the stems near the wedge of the shears I could cut them down… so I just started doing that.  I noticed the chef was trying to dig up the roots and I told her that it wasn’t necessary… and I just showed her where I was cutting the stems at.  Again the shears are dull and she wasn’t having any success at cutting down any of the stems so we just started the system where I would cut down the stems and she would take the stacks of thistles and load them into the back of the truck.  We dropped off two loads off at the dumpster and by that time it was time for her to finish for the day.  So I was just going to go back out and continue but she said to wait til tomorrow and she’ll help because it’s really a two person job… so I said ok… I can do that.  There’s plenty of projects to work on so for the remaining two hours for my shift I did something else.  So the next day I wanted to tackle the thistles… she got called into kitchen duty so I found someone else to help but the work truck wasn’t there… the maintenance man was using it… so again… other projects… fine.  The next day we were going to have supposedly two large groups who are going to be volunteers and so I was speaking to the wife of the different projects we can have them do… again one being to tackle the thistles… so I saw the maintenance man while I was taking my lunch and I said I had a question for him.  He sat down and said that there’s probably more than one question I have for him… so what are they?  I said if I could use the truck tomorrow between 11am to 1pm… he asked why and I said we’re supposed to have a crew here to help and we’d like to continue on the thistles.  He said any time I need the truck I just need to ask him because he can use other vehicles… i mean he has his own truck that he drives to property with.  I said ok… well normally I don’t need the truck and I know you’re busy and use the truck more often than any of us.  But I figured I’d go ahead and make arrangements with you… so we’re on the same page.  Well I thought that seemed reasonable… but for him it seemed that he just wanted me to wait until tomorrow and when I needed the truck to just tell him and then we’d get it done.  I said ok… that’s fine.  But then he started asking about our technique of cutting the thistles… I told him that I took a shovel but it was easier for us to just use the shears.  Which again wasn’t what he wanted to hear because that’s not the way he does it.  And then he said well… why don’t we just cut down all the thistles and leave them in piles and in a few days he’ll just go with the truck and pick them up.  I told him… that it seems better to just go ahead and load them instead of leaving them in a pile… once they’re cut they might want to seed which is what we’re trying to prevent.  Which again… this was a long drawn out battle… I just said if we don’t have the truck we can just do other things but if we can have the truck then I’ll have people help out.  And I said… we started the thistles… we’d like to get it done.. and then he said yeah… you guys started but you didn’t finish.  I said well we had other priorities in the morning so once we got to that project they only had an hour left before their shift ended… so we did what we could and we got a lot done in the hour.  He said well why wouldn’t you just finish.  I said if that was the only project of the day… it would’ve been but that’s not how it works.  I don’t care if it gets done the same day because right now it’s not a priority but we need projects for volunteers to do and this seems like a good one… and the more they can get done, the less we have to do… which seems good in my book.  Well… then he continued about using the trailer instead of the truck.  I have to mention that he thought of this while he was grilling me… he said why don’t I just hook up the trailer to the truck and load the thistles inside of it?  I said that does seem like a good idea… but I don’t have much experience hauling a trailer… yes it’s easy going forwards… but the area we are at I have to back up to make it useful to have the trailer there… plus she already warned us not to get the truck stuck because we’ve been dumping our llama maneuver in this areas so there are soft spots… so I wasn’t even thinking of bringing the trailer… I was walking the land to make sure where it was safe to drive the truck in without getting stuck… adding a trailer to deal with didn’t cross my mind, but again it would be safer and easier for me to just use the truck.  It wasn’t hard for us to load the back and then unload into the trailer.  Well I ended up finding out that he doesn’t like going into the trailer to unload at the dump and that he would prefer the thistles just stay in the back of the truck.  I said well we can do that, but what’s in the trailer now was two truck loads… and we’ve got about three more and so it seems like we can get more done by filling up the trailer.  In the middle of our discussion or debate maybe… another devotee was outside doing her flower arrangements and started laughing at us and said to the maintenance man to stop giving me a hard time… I’m just starting to take on more responsibilities.  I said that I didn’t ask for these responsibilities… but I figured I’d get things lined up tomorrow to make it easier when the groups show up.  I mean… the only thing I wanted was to see if I can get the truck for a few hours… then it became something else… I mean he’s been working here for ten years and all of a sudden using a shovel and a trailer is the best way to do the thistles and we should’ve known that in the first hour of doing this.  I spoke to him before we started and he only mentioned the shovel which we tried and it was harder than just using shears… and he hadn’t thought within the ten years of working the land to use the trailer.. but we were supposed to think of it.  And we don’t usually drive trailers… so why would be think to do that?  But anyway… I told him we appreciate what he does… and I respect his opinions and his time and that’s why I wanted to see if two hours without the truck was going to be a big deal or not… and I guess it’s not?  I’m not sure… hehe… but this whole conversation got me thinking about the “staff” that has been on this property for years how they are going to transition when new management comes in to play.  

So normally the maintenance man and I get along very well… I feel like I’m one of the few that just talks to him without wanting something from him.  And I know he prefers to work alone, but I offer my help when I’m available and rarely will he accept my help.  But he’s been wrapped up in this drama that happens around here with the “staff”. I remember his opinions about the wife when I first got on property, and I’m glad that I don’t just take people’s opinions as truth… I listen but I have to feel out for myself what’s going on.  But anyway there has only been one time in the past six months where he seemed to get upset with me and held a grudge over me… hehe… he didn’t now that I already had a schedule for the day and I was about to take my lunch break and a longer break before returning for another two hours after most of the staff left.  He had five helpers already.. and I gave him my helper but he wanted me to come and help…and I said… this isn’t going to be done in five minutes and I’m taking my break right now.  I’m sure the six of you guys can take down the inflatable jumping cage thing just fine without me.  Again… I didn’t think it was a big deal until he refused to speak to me for a few weeks after this incident.  So what I’m actually getting at is… there’s been management that has established it’s core staff and how they relate to each other has been developing and it’s now become their “thing”.  I might hear the staff complaining about the bossiness of the wife; however, it seems that they actually prefer it this way.  Not just the maintenance man… but many devotee staff again… likes the banter back and forth and look forward to having these little bouts of drama… maybe their life in the bubble needs a bit of excitement so they like this drama from time to time.  So how would a new manager approach this?  I mean… if I put myself in this position… I wouldn’t promote continuing the drama… I wouldn’t promote bossing everyone around… but the solution wouldn’t be to just start fresh with a new staff would it?  It would be really trying to establish communication as the priority to start a new relationship… every one here that has been established as the staff… again likes this drama and they’ve been trying to rope me into gossip about people here… which I just don’t get involved with.  I make it short and sweet and pretty much say… this is not my area to talk about… best to talk to the source instead.  It’s tricky… of course I can pick out things that I feel could change, but how habitual have these dramatic tendencies been engrained into the mindsets?  Taking people’s words not on face value but actually seeing the repetition that continue as their behavior as the truth instead of the words being spoken.  Again so many complaints.. but it’s comfortable and even though they might not agree with everything… it’s a system they’ve been able to learn to deal with.  So if there were changes… would they just continue to complain because it’s just what they really want to be is unhappy… even if everything was changed to their recommendations.. would that allow them to be happy?  Or again… this is something internal for them to work on… of course this is the case.  That’s why I have been thinking specifically about this maintenance man.  He’s a good old boy and he’s set in his ways… he’s got a lot of experience and knowledge to share… but… could I try convince him to actually work with people so he can share his knowledge?  Maybe people might want to keep this knowledge to themselves so they can still have significance in a particular situation?  He knows that the owners are near the age of having to pass the reigns to the next generation… is he not seeing this happen in his position as well?  He’s one of the few staff members that actually gets paid… what would happen if that was going to be taken away?  Would he still care about the property?  Would he still be as opinionated about the activities that continues to be done here?  He’s got a bit of a hoarder mentality as well and so I know I’d recommend getting rid of the trash… I mean that’s being asked now, but there are still things he stashes away… and it just sits there waiting to be used.  I’m all for cross-training.. and I’d love for him to actually work all the different areas that goes on here and so he can see that what he does is important, but there are many important positions that goes on too.  I also promote duties that are more of a solitude position, but again balancing it out by doing group projects.  He’s been there a long time and it seems like it’s a very similar mindset that I find the wife gets into as well… they’ve been doing the same things over and over again.. that they forget that most people who walk onto property to volunteer is their first time at the property.. they have no clue what they’re getting themselves into.  And many of the duties asked of them is their first time… but also we have to figure out how to do these first time projects with janky and limited tools… and then get yelled out for not doing it right… or made to feel insignificant because they don’t now what they’re doing… but they’ve got many odds against them and not a whole lot of opportunity to set them up for success.   Yeah it’s been interesting the thoughts that have been going on in my mind lately… but let’s see if we can shift gears real quick.  

So… I’ve been thinking about this over sharing message that I get, but then I also feel like transparency is important… so finding a balance in this is continuous.  So… I’ve been learning that the collective consciousness is strong and so if I choose to share my thoughts on particular subjects to particular groups… the level of the collective can either shift to promote or hinder these thoughts… so I’ve been trying to be more selective on what topics I share.  Again it’s challenging because I just want to continue as I do and just allow my tongue to be loosey goosey on the online Journal… but that’s what’s different about my personal journal to an online one who is subject to the collectives interpretations and also the shifts that can happen.  Do we realize everything is allowing for everything to exist, right?  I think we might have an idea of what I’m saying.  Everything that has happened in my life so far has led to this moment.  But not just everything I have done.. but everything that anyone has done since the moment of birth… and before the moment of birth… everything had to play out exactly as it did for this moment currently to exist.  So let’s just say we are complaining about all the “bad” things that have happened in this reality… all of these bad things had to be played out for anything to exist.  Now of course these bad things might have been repetitious enough until we were conscious enough and creative enough to try new courses to adjust or replace these bad things… so again… the bad things had to exist to realize we wanted a change from them… yes?  But not just human happenings makes existence exist…. I mean every little thing has to happen just the way it does for this moment to exist.  So every plant, insect, animal, microbial activities that has been happening since my birth and prior has allowed this moment for me to exist.  I’ve been listening to people to about how insignificant our lives are…and I just don’t have that same understanding.  Of course in an existential way we can say it’s insignificant but it’s just the other side of the coin of saying how significant our lives are.  But all depends on the development of our consciousness to how we perceive the seeming difference of insignificant to significant… many people just assume what the person is saying without getting any additional information…. And I guess I fall in the same trap as well… assuming most people will need a word that is more positive for them to focus on so I’d like to encourage the significant life…. I mean not only the actions… but the thoughts we have in each moment has to exist for existence to be at all… we are so intertwined… I feel it’s quite significant… what maybe insignificant is that we don’t have to make it happen… it just already happens without our control of it.  Many of us our paralyzed by doing the right thing or not… and in a human sense I can understand this.. but in a universal sense… every minute little thing is the right things… the universe doesn’t make mistakes… what seems like a mistake is just looking at a short term existence… but the universe is geared for eternity.  Our existence is lining up existence that we’ll not be able to perceive in these bodies… but in my understanding…. It’s the human who thinks there is a wrong or right way of doing things… which again many I know seem to feel like they don’t know how to do anything or try new things…. Hehe… which in reality is the perfect way for them to be at this moment… we are where we are and this is the perfection of reality.  

So this goes hand in hand with the recent video about the psychology of being wrong.  I whole heartedly agree that these are one of the tell tale signs for me to see how much someone has delved deep into their spiritual work… true humbleness because of the many realizations of how mistaken we’ve been and how much mystery continues to build in this reality.  This reminds me of conversations I’ve had when people I’m speaking with about ceremonies and visions with Ayahuasca.  They already know how passionate I am about this process…it’s pretty evident when I start to communicate… but any who.. what if my visions and guidance is wrong?  This does not stop me in anyway from learning.  What would stop me from learning is over analyzing and over thinking whether I should trust myself or my visions or my guidance.  There has to be a huge capacity to trust in the first place to receive benefits in Aya ceremonies… and again a factor that I observe in people of their capacity to trust in general.  But with my understanding of reality as perfection… is when I’m in ceremony… my conscious levels are being elevated to be able to receive and perceive in magnitudes greater than waking state.  However, ceremony or reality knows exactly what motivates me and inspires me and it speaks to me in several layers… It already knows where I am and speaks to me in the manner that kind of makes sense in this realm of communication.  I love to solve problems… so again it’s not going to give me every detail because that just isn’t much of a fun life to live in my opinion.  But again… I might be mistaken of all the reasons of why I’m getting theses messages… because in my human state there something inside that wants to figure out the resolution…. The destination of why I have received this message… but I’ve been observing for a while now that the destination is not what fills me up with joy… it’s the journey… so again… it speaks to me in a manner and knows where I am and how completely crazy and curious I am… that I’m going to go ahead and explore these visions and guidance… and not to get to a final destination but what I’m going to be learning all along the way!  I’ve had many things I’ve been guided towards… and of course the human in me wants to say it’s because of one thing or another… but that’s really to satisfy the other humans I’m communicating with… this is something that is common in our lives and so I”ve appeased the humans to try to give them a logical answer… but in reality inside my own mind… I don’t need any logic to have me want to explore… because even though i don’t know the entirety of what I”m going to be learning…. I know I’ll be learning regardless and my observation skills and contemplation is increasing that… there’s far more that I”ll get out of what I think I’ll get out of it…. I understand this to be true for me.  I”ve been thinking about Leo’s last videos and there was a part where we can put ourselves in so many traps because we’ve been great at learning in this manner… I feel like that has been me most of my life.  Again… I feel like I’ve gained so much skills in resourcefulness and confidence and trust… that regardless of what I get my crazy self into… I’m going to be exactly where I need to be to learn something even if I don’t know exactly what I’m learning until I’m in the thick of it… and most of the time it was until after the fact… but my skills are increasing to be able to see growth as it’s happening now too.  But so yes… I’m so comfortable at being wrong or mistaken… because again…this is something the humans care about… but that’s just a conditioning of intelligence is knowing things and being right… which I’d like to question… I mean really… how intelligent is it to stand our ground on everything as truth and not be open to explore alternative options to our stance?  Reality has been trying to teach us through example all the time… if we can observe it… what do we say… change is inevitable… for this to be true do we have to be wrong?  Or is this just stepping stones… infinite amount of stepping stones… hehe… but again language wants to distinguish one thing to another so if one thing doesn’t work out like we thought it would be think this is wrong… and so the right thing has to be something completely different… if we think of things as stepping stones and then maybe we’ll just make those small corrections as many times as we need to find solutions we accept and enjoy… until the next generation comes with something else… hehe…. 

Well… we’ve got four llamas being rented out tomorrow to go hiking and camping for a few days… I’d like to get them ready a bit more and damn it… maybe I’ll even tackle some more thistles… hehe… we’ll see how things go… but I want to take a break so until next time… chao    

[withinUverse]

Ok…. So I’m back in Colorado… in the small mountain town I’ve been visiting for the past six years minus last year when I stayed in Indiana.  So how did this happen… signs… yes I receive signs and I cannot help but get moved by them.  It’s very interesting how these signs speak to me.  Because I was getting signs on staying there in the Temple and then all of a sudden… it was time to move on.  It only took me a week to get things together and head out.  Without going into crazy detail I’ll just say the main sign that got me moving I read on IG… I find him… I’ll find you. #osprey #Iseeeverythingyoudoandyousee #shellybeachsunshinecoast #caloundra which was posted on July 20th and I was getting dropped off in Colorado in a couchsurfer’s spot on the 28th.  I found a very sweet spot by the river and the host was an interesting character.  It was just an interesting time… hehe… so there was supposed to be a festival going on.  My friend who drove me took me to the festival so we can do an exchange I guess.  We listened to some music and chatted for about an hour but the host was no where to be found and wasn’t responding anymore to the texts we were sending.  Reading the other messages you could kind of tell the host started engaging in substances… i assumed alcohol and I was mostly right.  But anyway my friend didn’t feel comfortable leaving me at the festival alone so he dropped me off at the spot where the host lived.  It was a gorgeous spot next to the river so I didn’t mind at all.  The host lives with his father and they have a third home for airbnb guests.  But the backyard was ver enchanting and I loved hanging out there.  The host came back pretty late and he was pretty lit up… but we ended up having a great conversation.  I was really looking forward to hanging out with him more the next morning.  But it was like a light switched turned off.  So it was night and day the following morning.  The host and his dad were doing some remodeling to the airbnb house and I thought I’d be able to give them a helping hand.  But he didn’t want any help but he said if I wanted to mow the lawn that would be really helpful.  So I did… I mowed and weed-eated the backyard and I really enjoyed myself.  He wasn’t being overly rude or anything but finally he admitted that he was concerned that my cat was going to injure his pet bird in the bird cage.  I was telling him that he doesn’t have to worry… I don’t even think my cat knows the bird exists… he’s trying to understand this new space himself.  But he asked me to go ahead and leave the next day because of his anxiety.  I totally understood… and booked my train ticket for the next morning.  During the night he said that I was being very sweet and patient with him… he sees that my cat wasn’t going to do anything but it was going to make him feel better to not have to think about all the things that could’ve happened.  I just said I wish he would have communicated his concerns before I arrived because I let him know up front that I’m traveling with my cat.  He said that he hoped he wouldn’t wig out about it… but he did anyway.  But Elvis and I took the Zephyr tot he mountain town for our first time.  It was running along the Colorado River and it was really comfortable trip with great views.  My buddy picked me up from the station, went to the grocery store, and headed to his place.  I was so excited to cook in his large kitchen.  It was interesting how it felt like it was forever since I’ve been able to cook.  But taking my time cutting up the ingredients and touching the food… cooking it in the pan with the fire… it was just really nice to be back in this opportunity again.  I made myself a veggie specifically mushroom omelette and was a very happy girl… things I was craving was the eggs, mushrooms, onions, and garlic that I had eaten rarely in the eight months at the temple.  I added more veggies but these ingredients were a must for me as the first thing I wanted to cook and enjoy and savor.  

 

I’ve been here for 16 days now… and I have to continue to remind myself to slow down while I”m here… I’m on the go, go, go… and this location has such a remarkable beauty and energy that unfortunately can be easily taken for granted while I’m here.  I’m use to working and the more I come the more I limit my time working.  But literally tomorrow will by two weeks into working a construction job with my old boss buddy.  I didn’t want to deal with the public right now and I like to problem solve and this boss buddy of mine is like the most ultimate problem solver because all of his jobs are the jobs no one else wants to take on… and no matter what he’ll figure it out… even though he’s frustrated the entire time.  The first week I already told him that I’m going to just work until lunch for this week.  And damn… it’s been kicking my ass.  I love it but my body is just not ready for all of this… we’ve been building stone retaining walls, redirect the water drainage system… crawling under the crawl spaces to dig footer holes 30 inches down in the Rockies… so yes there’s rocks everywhere… one of the holes I just dug a second large hole to roll a 200 pound rock into it so I could get the footer hole where it needed to be and just bury the big rock again next to where it was… hehe… my buddy boss thought we’d be able to pull it out… but we couldn’t get the chain to stay… so he said what I did was fine… hehe… but we’ve started pouring the footers to half of them… I think we’ll be finishing pouring tomorrow.  The previous builders had some pour design decisions which has collapsed the decks and the foundation was failing and the guest house connected to main house was sinking.  I was super happy to find an excavator on site.. but when I started looking around with the tight and narrow spot we were in along with the steepness of the mountain we are on… it was much more beneficial to watch my buddy boss do his thing and see what was the capabilities of excavator.  I’d love to get a chance to learn, but not in this setting.  He’s trying to get the foundation rebuilt by September 5th… so I might be able to get this taken care of with him before then.  And then I’ll probably not continue… I like to learn but I just want some extra cash for groceries right now.  Plus… working in the mud with the boss buddy got me thinking of trying an event here.  

 

I’m not sure how this came really to play.. but I feel like I want to explore or allow my wild side to let loose for awhile.  I have been thinking about setting up an exclusive event that will sprinkle a bit of kink into the mix.  As I continue to think about this it started to get political and so I’ve already slowed down… and asking myself if this was a squirrel moment… hehe… for some reason I don’t know but I think this might be a good-bye party.  It feels like it would be a forever good-bye, but I’m not really sure that’s the case.  But I don’t think I’ll be returning for at least a few years.  There has been a few deaths that have happened this year in this community.. and there are more and more that seem to be getting sicker and it just seems like it might be the last time I see some.  There’s just some weird feelings that I’m having.  Because I have been doing some tough labor… I’ve been sleeping most of the time… hehe… I wasn’t expecting to come back here and do this… but I think I need stabilize my energy and see where it leads.  This community is a work hard, play hard community… and much of it has been conditioned in us and I’d like to look at it to see actually how healthily this is for future generations and sustainability.  The politics here has affected the direction of this community and of course it’s hard not to notice.  I wish I could address this… but just saying a little bit to some… they understand… and a few others got offended.. and so I wonder if that’s really something that I should be addressing at this time.  It’s a cliche story of have and have nots… many of the locals who are the workers struggle to even find a room to rent let alone establishing a home here.  Most of the homes are airbnb… so it’s pretty frustrating when majority of the homes sit empty and we’re trying to find a room to place an air mattress to sleep on.  And still have to pay $700/month if we find that… hehe… there’s ton of work and we’re expected to work two to three jobs… where we’ll use all our energy for the owners so of course we’ll be able to pay this… but to what cost and to what extent?  Also the older established owners who have lead this direction has all the “correct” ideas… so catering to the visitors instead of the community that has to maintain this place is the “better” way… geesh… I don’t know if I’m going to get into this right now.  I at one time thought I could try to establish myself here.. but the system was a bit too toxic and unsustainable… which was fortunate for myself because I’ve been able to see a different life.. but I also see people who would love to stay here and still struggle.  What am I really trying to do while I’m here?  Is there anything I can really influence here in a larger perspective?  Or is it more the individuals here that I can help.  I’ve been doing  this already… why do I want to make it a larger community thing right now?  Do I even have enough time to try to address this?  I’m going back to Indiana the first of October because my cousin’s wedding.  Yes… there’s more grounding that I need to do right now.  I’m not sure how I got so out of wack… For some reason… I feel this month isn’t going to have any resolutions that I’m looking for… I’m curious what September is going to bring.  Maybe I can just continue to lay low here.  I keep thinking that it’s time for me to go, but I keep finding that slowing down and laying low is much more where I’m supposed to be at this time…. Hehe… alright.. I just wanted to get this out… let’s see where things go from here. 

[withinUverse]

Alright good morning…. I feel like there are things that I’d like to explore a bit more… I cleaned out and moved into the airstream two days ago… it looks like I still need a buffer zone around people.  Not only formyself but also for my cat, Elvis.  We’ve been staying in a room in the house where there are two housemates and a dog and also my buddy who owns the house.  The dog hasn’t really been around cats before and he’s a border collie who was asked to leave the farm because he wasn’t helping herd the farm animals… he was actually scarring them.  He’s super cute but yes you can see the bit of the aggressive side… I’m not sure it’s even aggression in a way but it’s more the pushiness or adamant he gets.  So Elvis and I’ve been here four summers?  Time is skewed and it’s hard for me to keep it all straight and really it doesn’t make a difference… hehe… at least right now.  But this might just be our third summer at this location.  Regardless… he feels comfortable here and normally we have dogs here but everyone just lets one another have it’s own space and he can still roam around the house and even go in and out of the house.  We’ll that wasn’t the case this time.  The fire ban was set in place last week and so my buddy pulled his airstream back from the campsite onto his property.  I started to think that maybe it will be best if we just move out there so I don’t have to keep Elvis shut up in the room and it will allow him opportunities to go in and out… spend some time outside… he especially loves the mornings because there’s not much human activity going on outside so he can explore a bit.  He seems to be super happy… and I’m happy as well having our own space.

So… this is just warming me up a bit.. because this isn’t what I wanted to address… but it is helping me clear out my energy and allowing space for me to think about what’s happening with me right now.  So… it looks like i’m working on sexual healing within myself right now.  Anytime I get this guidance to address… I get nervous… but I also get excited… so how did this even come about?  So I’ve been working a construction job with my old boss buddy and it’s been pretty rainy for a couple of weeks.  There was one day that I just kept on working and it was muddy.  My boss wasn’t wanting to get all dirty and said that I didn’t have to keep working.  I told him that I didn’t mind getting muddy… in fact I should have been a mud wrestler because I love the mud.  And I do… hehe… he said so if I make a mud pit you’ll let him rub all over me… i chuckled and said yeah in a way, but this mud here is super rocky so I would prefer just mud and I’d have to see if I can find any girls who would like to join me in the mud… wrestling maybe but more like dancing.  So these words… are what triggered me into a consuming mind warp for like a week.  Well… it was also a combination of looking a someone’s particular story posts… he had been posting quite a bit and one of the posts was a beautiful natural scene that had a large river and waterfalls and three beautiful naked women bathing in it.  I started to chuckle because I was like finally… he’s interested in naked woman again…hehe… there was a long period of time that I was questioning how his connection to communities who were female bashing was going to hinder his ability to find a lover?  I started thinking of planning an event that would have kink mixed into it.   And more of his posts started showing party scenes with beautiful men and women engaging in flirtation and sexual tones… so the mind warp consumption kickstarted. 

I started thinking… ok… am I going to be doing adult entertainment here?  I’ve been slowly building a reputation here… and mostly one of the few who do not engage in alcohol or weed… they’re all getting the idea of how serious I take my spirituality… but many continue to assume that this also leads to a stale lifestyle… but they follow my travels and also of course once the music is playing I allow my body to express itself and I have to admit that it excites both genders… and it’s not because it’s overly sexually abrasive… but it’s more in the way how confident I am in my own skin and yes I like to move in seductive ways at times… but also how well I move with my dance partners… I love to compliment… and it all combines for people to notice and are attracted to this.  In my mind… it was immediate and obvious that people were attracted to me when they first met me… but I wanted them to see more than just my appearance… just like I was talking to my buddy I’m living with… it’s taken over five years for even him to see me more than a pretty face.  I think i was exaggerating a bit, but it was to make a point.  It’s been challenging for people to take me seriously or want to get to know who I am deeper than looks… when someone works with me, they definitely get a different perspective but that’s also seems to be a label I’ve been wearing that I didn’t intend… is being serious.  I take my life seriously because there were states of consciousness that I wanted to obtain and become so it took me to be serious about it to be able to achieve it… but I love to be playful as well… but its not coming as easy as it once was.  And most people who want to be playful around me it steers towards the sexual… and damn it I’m just like another pervert too.. but it’s not as fun for me when it’s taken so literally… it can’t just be shooting the shit with a buddy… If i start to make fun comments it’s as if I have to be stating what I’m going to be doing with the people I’m speaking with or something… I hope that makes sense.  But anyway… sexuality is all over the place here… it’s always been here and so I thought maybe it’s time I can give some adult entertainment to this community.  I remember how much fun I had when I was briefly doing some exotic dancing for a few months a few years back… I thought well… I enjoyed expressing myself sexually while also giving pleasure to the people I was with.  I thought maybe I can do this here as well.  In fact there has been a few deaths… more people getting sick and having to move to a lower altitude… I feel like I might not be returning here for a few more years once I leave… so I thought… geesh there might be many of in this community that I might not get a chance to see again.  I usually run into them and get time to share together… but maybe what they can benefit from is having some sexually infused experience… many are single and let them remember the good ole days… days when they were young and full of virility.  I mean even if they’re not single and happily married… again allowing them to share in some fun where its possible to set up a setting for them to let loose… and again I know I’d enjoy myself because I love to give people pleasure.  

So here I am thinking about this event… and I have my buddy who I’m talking to about this and both of us are on the perverted side… I’m not sure if i am… it’s not like I think about this all the time… but when I do get into this mindset… both of us found it challenging trying to focus on anything else… lol… we were trying to figure out a location, the entertainers, the guest list… games and entertainment… when I was thinking about the schedule of events I could only think of sexual activities… and I started to notice that I couldn’t get my head out of the gutter… I knew of people who would be down for this event… but I also wanted to invite everyone… people who are more shy and some more on the conservative side… I wanted this to not be so taboo… but then I was like how can I make it a great event with creativity and talent that is being showcased in the next generation to our established generation… have an event where it was full of theater, music, comedy which is readily available here and then sprinkle in the kink so it doesn’t frighten anyone.  I thought about having three acts…and so it can lead to a build up of kink where it can be poured on by the third act… and everyone could have a window for them to leave if where it was leading was going to make them uncomfortable.. but if I could get them there in the first place and treated everyone with respect and professionalism that just maybe they would be so curious enough that they’d just stick around to observe to be curious enough to see how things go down.  I was thinking that the entertainers would give the guests a menu to choose from… we’d have appeteasers where it would be a small adult entertainment open to the guests for a short period of time and can limit the amount per guest and also state the boundaries and preferences the entertainers have… to have a diverse group to show that it’s healthy for everyone to have their own ideas of what is sexually appealing.  The entertainers would also have the “main dishes” to offer to the guests… but these would be bigger items that would be auctioned off.  The guests would bid against one another to get the opportunity for the special adult entertainment…. I thought a few would be on the private side but then half of them would be public… I wanted plenty of opportunities for people to learn.  I mean that’s really why I would love to do this… because I know how much I”d be learning from this experience…. From setting and planning… to recruiting… to hiring staff… properly managing the events and activities as I also attend the guests with top notch service…and to listen to my own conversations throughout the entire time.  I mean… for me this would be awesome.  

But I also am part of this community who isn’t here full time.  I’m here and there but not committed here like many are.  So when I started to talk to people specifically the ladies… they have been much more hesitant to be involved as an entertainer because they aren’t certain how people would treat them after the party… so they were more interested in being a part of the supportive staff… they think it sounds like fun and they’d like to be there… but to be part of the adult entertainment… that was a bit too much to ask for.  The guys I have spoken with seem much more ready to jump all in and participate… I’ve had to emphasize this would be a professional event and that we can have an after party once the guests have been given the time of their lives.  I mean I was writing out a contract for everyone who is involved was going to sign as the RSVP to the event.  I wanted to address consent, privacy, anti-harassment, adult entertainment, release of liability, and property damage liability… it sounds like a lot for an event but I figured if everyone knew these ground rules it would actually allow more freedom to be expressed.  There’s a lot to this… but I’m still feeling like I’m avoiding what I’m really trying to explore right now.  

I also started to get on the political side of the subliminal messages I was trying to also say… this underlying ideologies of the established generation which has been conditioning and setup the ground work to the following generations.  There are some great things that have been established… however honestly there’s a lot of toxicity as well.  I’ll just briefly mention some keywords that pop into mind without going into detail at this time… exhaustive work, no rest, play hard… alcohol(ism)… visitor’s monetary gains is far more important than building a foundation for hopeful locals in the next generation to establish themselves… limiting housing… limited groceries…. A split in political participation… ok that’s good enough for now.  But anyway… I mentioned just a little bit to a woman who is a housemate… she’s only a few years younger than I am but she’s been building her reputation here as well since childhood.  I tried to address this a little and she actually got offended and said she knew people who would be as well.  She said that not everything I was reading was offensive, but there were specific topics that I stated which are a sore spot.  Everyone knows its an issue and the party sounds fun but once you start to mention things that is on people’s mind in a negative way… because they’re not sure how to turn it around… mentioning this is going to turn everyone off from wanting to go and have fun if it seems like it’s going to be another political event.  I thought I had addressed that we aren’t going to be preaching or having any formal discussions… I was trying to present an experience that is unforgettable by the next generation who is going to be taking the ropes… creative brilliance everywhere, but of course because I feel like it’s taken a while to be seen… that I feel the established generation might be a bit blind to the actual creative brilliance here.  I was hoping to see if we could get networking and funding to help support the next generation of hopeful locals… Here most of the homes are Airbnbs… people have lovely homes but are only here in the summers and rent it out to visitors… this town hasn’t allowed corporate food chains to come in and place a shop in town… however corporations are coming in and buying up the land and housing… so it is getting more and more difficult for the people who work at any establishments to find a location to live.  Three are getting to be fewer and fewer locals who stay to rent out their rooms for workers… hotels allow you to stay during the winter affordable.. but once summer comes everyone has to figure out arrangements for five months before they can return.. most will just camp out.  She was wondering who I was warrioring for?  And it got me thinking… yes not everyone here has been in a similar situation… and yes I’ve met many who have… but is this something to address?  I mean… my buddy here is trying to sell his house… once he does, I don’t see myself returning to this town… I mean Iguess once I’ve established myself financially that I could return, but do I really want to come back to support a town that doesn’t really prioritize the working community?  It’s so strange because many of the established generation are super hard workers… but the way they approach their staff… of course not all of them but many are cutthroat.  Ok… I feel like I’m veering off course again.  Hmmm… maybe because I’m not really ready to address what I thought I was going to address this morning.  We’ve got a parade today… so I think I’m just going to go into the hot tub and relax, bathe, and get ready to watch the parade… Let’s see if next time I’m better ready to dive deeper into my sexual healing

[withinUverse]

Ok… I’m ready to explore what I’ve been thinking on my sexual healing at this time.  I’ve been trying to go to sleep but my thoughts kept on going and finally I got up and smoked and wanted to go ahead and write out my feelings.  I can get impulsive at times and I know patience is such a key attribute that I’ve been working on so I’ve been able to work things out a bit more in my mind.  When I knew it’s time for me to address this automatically I thought this was going to be a lesson for the community that I’m involved with at the time, but I don’t think that’s the case anymore.  Who knows where this is leading but after some more thought… this isn’t what I actually want.  I originally thought that if I work on this in a public manner as in being an adult entertainer it will keep me from actually getting too close to anyone.  I know there’s plenty of people here that would like to share that kind of activity with me, but I had to really ask if that’s what I want?  I again have been practicing celibacy for over six years and so when I thought about having these activities back into my life… I got excited… I’m always wanting to learn more in this area… well all areas hehe… but I feel like this has been a huge struggle for me.  I’ve mentioned that many of my ideas aren’t always direct messages… there more like cryptic codes I’m trying to decipher and many times I have to just put it on the back burner and wait until I can address them with more experience to address it from a different angle.  And so I should already be understanding that my first instinct isn’t really the solution off the back… it might be something I’m working towards… but there might be a more appropriate approach that I’m actually ready for.  So if anyone has been reading this Journal I’ve been writing… there’s been a heavy presence of a certain gentleman who has been in my ceremonies… it’s so strong that it’s hard to deny and I’m to the point that I cannot deny it from myself, from him, but to anyone else.  I’ve been in a 13 year relationship but after the separation I had a period of polyamorous… in fact because I started having ceremonies consistently about him… I thought I was going to go back to being monogamous.  But because we do not live in the same country… I mean we barely share the same day we’re on opposite sides of the globe… I’ve chosen the celibacy path.  And holy shit I cannot say how much I’ve appreciated all the benefits I’ve been able to gain by doing so… but just like I’ve been learning with everything… most of the time this is for a period of time… continue the path until something better arises and replaces this.  And I’ll have to continue to remember… that this too has the possibility to pass and so not be attached because if it no longer benefits and something else arises… I’ll be flexible enough to be ok to make those changes.  I think I’m preparing myself for an alternative to celibacy completely.  

Because I was in this phase for six years.. it’s hard to explain how time goes by in my life… but it really does seem like a lifetime ago when I was a lover… in person… flesh and blood… I have been literally trying to avoid any type of intimacy in a sexual manner… I’ve mentioned that I thought not even taking care of my physical appearance would help keep guys away from me and not want to see me as a sexual partner. I know now that isn’t what I want.. I enjoy being attractive and I’m attractive more than my physicality… I just learned to state my boundaries clearly and and also be more upfront of who I am and what I’m trying to create in life… and many times this interests guys but also scares the shit out of them… hehe… so why do I think I’m needing to look at my sexual healing now?  Because I feel like I’m starting from step one on the romance scale again… I’m so nervous to be this way and I really thought that I was just going to wait until finally this certain gentleman and I would reconnect… but it seems like… in my mind… that I need to start practicing again.  What does it feel like to be a romantic partner?  To be honest I don’t know if I’m really ready to have intercourse… just because I’m horny doesn’t mean I want a penis to penetrate my vagina… I’m much more missing touching.  I’ve realized how much I haven’t had that in my life and how much I miss this.  I haven’t been touching much even though it’s platonic but an intimate touch… that hasn‘t been happening… and I’d like to have more of that in my life.  I want to start becoming a lover again.  I’ve been traveling around and meeting amazing men and women wherever I go.. but there seems to be four guys that has this intriguing attraction that makes me uncomfortable… and I just don’t know why I have to make it so difficult.  It’s perfectly fine to be romantically attracted to these men even though they are not that certain man.  Ive gotten so many messages about this certain man, but that’s not excluding other messages that involves men that is not him.  And yes they’ve been on a sexual tone… and in ceremony… I”m all about it but when I get back to my regulated consciousness… I talk myself out of it and remind myself that I want to be monogamous.now… and I continue to get the message that its worth the wait… but I think I’m misinterpreting that message… I don’t think its to completely deprive myself from sexual contact until we return together… which is what I was doing.  I mean… it doesn’t bother me at all thinking and knowing he’s been dating other woman.  I mean… it doesn’t stop me from my desire for him and my curiosities… but I also feel like whatever he has to go through before we return together is exactly what needs to happen.  So why can I not be able to apply that to myself?  Well I guess that blockage has opened up because there are a few amazing men that I’m attracted to.  One does happen to live in this little village in the mountains.  

He’s attractive in many ways… creatively, spiritually, physically, and his curiosity and drive… he hasn’t been a part of this community long but everyone… I mean everyone respects him and looks up to him.  He’s an amazing man!  Secretly when I was making up this event I was waiting for the chance to get to play with him… but also make it seem like it wasn’t going to be a big deal because we’re going to be open to playing with any or all guests… but honestly… he’s the only one I’d really be interested in playing with.  So I guess more honestly is that I would be curious to see how everyone approaches adult entertainment… but again there’s so much more I feel like we can benefit one another far more than sexual entertainment.  There is a kicker though… he’s not single anymore… so that’s a thing… I hear they’re pretty open in their relationship but I really don’t know if that’s true or what that actually means.  I was supposed to meet up with him today to have lunch but it didn’t work out.. which is great because I got more time to think through what’s going on with me… and so we are trying to reschedule it for Friday.  So we’ll see how it goes.  But he’s got a brilliant creative mind… he use to sing and act for Broadway… that’s how he found this little town through the connection to the theater here.  And for some reason he decided to stay.  But we’ve shared ceremonies together and he does so well in them… he’s very powerful and its so satisfying to see such a strength and comfort in a ceremonial setting.  It’s like how I feel when I’m in ceremony.  I didn’t return last summer so I haven’t seen him for a while but he’ went to an Aya retreat while I was gone… around the Spring time… and I’m so damn curious to see how it went for him.  I wonder if he felt like he was home in that setting as well?  I’d love to hear his thoughts and messages.  He’s very communicative which is a huge turn on… and I’d like to tell him more about what’s been going on in my head.  

So this leads me to this path that I’m on… traveling to Hawaii, Japan, Mongolia, possibly Taiwan, Vietnam, and Cambodia, to Nepal, Tanzania, and back to Peru… with who knows where in between… I cannot get my visions out of my head… but as I was thinking this out I had the idea that many of these locations in my head seem to have more of a conservative culture when it comes to spiritually and that maybe it would be best to have a man traveling with me at times instead of being by myself.  I started thinking of these select four gentleman that I have an attraction towards and I thought… why don’t I ask them to come along?  I figured most of them cannot take off two years of their lives to travel all these destinations with me… but maybe they can take off a few weeks to months?  I’m going to need all the help I can get creating a documentary about this initial vision quest I’m on… but I definitely see them coming to the Aya ceremonies I’m going to be hosting when I return and after my dietas.  And they’re definitely on the list of the ones I’d like to select to come and share in the spiritual expedition in the Himalayas.  I’d like to participate in spiritual learning that I’m interested in but I’d also like to see what they’d like to continue their learning based upon the location they come to visit… I know if I expand my learning to their interests it will only benefit me… this isn’t a solo journey.  I have a feeling which hasn’t been confirmed because I haven’t really talked about this to any of them yet… but I have a feeling they have this mutual attraction that I feel for them.  And I’d like it to be professional as in I’d like for them to gain so many benefits out our time together, but I also would like to see if they’d like to be a companion for me too.  I mean… we already enjoy one another’s company… but maybe instead of me having my wall up to keep them out… maybe I can put my wall down for them and just see how much we can enjoy each other’s company.  Geesh my buddy from Sweden who came to the US for the first time… only when he was leaving was I being more affectionate with him and hugging him… it has been such a long time and I just felt so uncomfortable not because he was making me feel that way… it’s because I was making it difficult for myself to enjoy myself.  Why the hell am I doing this?  This does not seem like a healthy behavior to have… and I don’t know the answer to correct this.. but I need to start doing something different than what I’m doing right now because what I”m doing right now is not working properly.  It worked for awhile but blindly sticking to it is not going to continue to work… I already see how it’s not.  

So why do I still feel hesitant about this idea?  The word selfish is ringing in my head.  Am I just being selfish?  Am I really wanting this all for myself?  

No… of course I”m going to gain benefits from sharing this with them… Again it will have to be mutual and consensual but again… there’s more to the story.  We’ll all be learning from this.  I’ve got to admit when I’m about to share ceremony with someone I have a hesitation because I know sexual messages come up and in my head I”m hoping it doesn’t because I don’t know how it will go.  I’ve had to tell many people that I don’t want to share a sexual experience with them… and a few times I’ve kissed a few just because I feel bad and I also know it’s teaching me to better teach anyone I share with.  And it doesn’t mean I have to kiss everyone… I can literally just talk about these things… hehe… but I know sharing ceremony is going to be a big part of my future…and I want to be the healthiest I can be when I share them… and I’m ready to be healthier sexually.  Even though sexually healing is what I”m focusing my discussion tonight about but there’s so much more that’s going to be gained.  Three of the four I feel like I”m ready to address… I know them personally and I’ve spent time building a relationship with them.  The fourth one… not so much… he’s something similar to that certain one I’ve been talking about all the time.  At one point I thought he would be untouchable… so impossible that I’d even be noticed from all he’s dealing with.  But for some reason I still have a shred of hope and almost a confidence that eventually…. We’ll meet and find out why there’s been an attraction forming.  But again I’m patient and the big fish… they take much more time and effort and patience and strategy… hehe… and if it isn’t meant to be, so be it…. But…. If it is, then everything we do will just allow it to happen in its perfect timing.  

I feel much better expressing what I did… there’s small details that I didn’t mention but it’s not necessary to share at this time.  And this is what I needed to get off my chest for now.    Ok then… until next time… good night!