Chaos to Clarity... Exposing Myself

withinUverse · September 30, 2023

So I might be jumping the gun, but when I said I’ve been stagnant for awhile… that means when I see an opportunity that looks very promising… then I’m ready to go, go, go… hehe… So I’m talking about this position in Utah. I was thinking that I’d be applying and moving in January and getting a gig for a few months to save. Well… I went to my hometown gig and unfortunately the position I was going to apply for was filled. I went back online to check to see if there were other positions that interested me and there really wasn’t… hehe… they were 2nd and 3rd shifts running machines at other locations outside of town. I wasn’t really thrilled about taking these positions honestly so it might have been easy to not really push to get these positions. There was the other job that I had thought about applying for out of town with the babies to toddlers at Gymboree. They said they had positions available in Indiana but when I called they said they’re not looking for anyone at this time… so…. Why not go ahead and see if I can swing this opportunity in Utah now rather than January?

So I’ve been enjoying the communication that’s been going on with the recruitment department. And I just went ahead and filled out the online application and let her know that I applied. She automatically pushed me through for a phone interview which is setup for Monday. If the 30 minute interview goes well, then I’d go to the training/interview between October 12th to the 19th to actually get the real feel of what I’d be doing and who I’m going to be working with. See if they’re a fit for me and I for them. Again… why not see if this really is something I’ve been looking for instead of waiting for the new year?

So originally I thought I wouldn’t have the funds to swing this, but I have to remember that I did something very similar six years ago when I moved out to Colorado. When I moved to Colorado I had a part-time job and no housing and didn’t know any locals… I had $200 in my pocket and two cats in our van… hehe… so what should be stopping me from taking another risk? I have a little money saved up to at least get me a flight there and back with a bit extra for probably most of my move-in cost. There wouldn’t be much I’ll have to borrow and even though it’s not ideal to borrow the money… it’s not the end of the world and I know I’ll be able to pay it back on my first check. So they’d have to wait two to three weeks… not a big deal. So I don’t need to make money an excuse. Also I am going to keep my cat here in Indiana while I figure these arrangements out.

Housing seems like it would be great to have lined up before going, but in honesty I don’t know if this position is what I’m thinking it’s going to be.. and who knows maybe I’m not in the physical shape they’re looking for either. So I started positing some ISO ads online trying to see what kind of options that might be available. Also the company seems to feel that I can also wait to talk to fellow staff members and see if I could find housing along with them. Also they’ll give me three days of temporary housing in the town the position is in… so I’ll have a chance to see if I can talk to locals. I’ll need to check out what’s in the town and see where there are locations that I can socialize. Shoot again in Colorado… I literally started a job on the weekend and that Monday I moved into a locals home to help him out and of course for him to help us out too. When I found my own spot I was working at the grocery store and I just spoke to all the locals if they knew of anyone wanting to rent out a space or at least consider it. And that’s how I got a spot in the backyard in a grandma’s cabin in a beautiful garden… hehe… so I’ll try to see what I can do online… coworkers… but then go in for the locals… something will fall through even temporary until I can get some paychecks saved up in the bank. I even saw this mobile home which isn’t fully finished and a bit run down… shoot… I might be able to talk about working on the place for them… I just never know until I start chatting with people.

So I called my buddy in Colorado who is going to be heading out to his Cabo condo at the beginning of October. He’s looking forward to the change of scenery and friends. I was excited about this position and he starts laughing at me and said that sounds terrible… lmao… I’m like I don’t really care if you’re trying to talk me out of this…this really sounds like something I want to try out. But I love the honesty so that’s why I wanted to chat. Really he was saying that sleeping in a sleeping bag with a tarp as coverage would be not fun…which I agree with. But when I applied they sent more information about the program and I saw the youth who are the guests of this program have to be in the wilderness for 10-14 weeks. That kind of put things a little in perspective… these 13-17 year old guys are sleeping like this for close to three months in the wilderness. This company has been doing this for about twenty-two years… and it seems they found this isn’t an issue. So I need to keep an open mind. I’m debating about asking them if I can bring a hammock with me in case I need to take a break from the ground. Will they consider this? I’m in my 40s… there’s a bit of a difference in our bodies… I’ll try my best to do as the group is doing, but hopefully they might be open for me to bring it “just in case.” I’m also wanting to bring my yoga mat to use as a pad as well.. hehe. We’ll see what they say.

But they gave me more detail about this program; it’s a therapeutic facility which chose to work in the wilderness without walls. This is what seems like an added bonus for what I was looking for. I was looking for wilderness training but to get the training and also having it geared towards therapy sounds awesome. There was another PRO that I didn’t really think of right away, but the quality of conversations we’ll be sharing. This is where I’ve been challenged with lately and trying to develop my social chit chat… hehe. It will be nice to have a community that’s going to be more intentional with their conversations. Even if there might be som intense and uncomfortable moments… I’d be much more interested in this than conversations about nothing much… hehe. Right… ceremonies and prepare for ceremonies brings up conversations that aren’t always being discussed in a casual manner. I know I should balance out my conversations… but honestly I’ve had so many chatty-chat that it’s been very skewed and some needed intentional conversation would be appreciated… hehe… that would create the balance.

So the primary modality they use is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). I really love that the main concepts involved will be mindfulness, acceptance, and open mindedness. I’m looking forward to see how they apply these concepts.

DBT is sometimes considered a part of the "third wave" of cognitive-behavioral therapy, as DBT adapts CBT to assist patients in dealing with stress. [14][15] This approach was developed by Marsha M. Linehan, a psychology researcher at the University of Washington. She defines it as "a synthesis or integration of opposites".[3] DBT was designed to help people increase their emotional and cognitive regulation by learning about the triggers that lead to reactive states and by helping to assess which coping skills to apply in the sequence of events, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to help avoid undesired reactions. DBT combines standard cognitive-behavioral techniques for emotion regulation and reality-testing with concepts of distress tolerance, acceptance, and mindful awareness largely derived from contemplative meditative practice. (Wikipedia)

‘Dialectical Behavioral Therapy’ (2023) Wikipedia. Available at: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy. Accessed on: 29 September 2023.

I was speaking with my pops and was kind of comparing their program to what I’m wanting to create. I know that there are some things I’m going to want to do differently but with so many similarities it’s really got me interested.

SIMILARITIES:

1. Wilderness setting and training. I can see we both agree that the beauty of the wilderness is beautiful and can be appreciated when there’s not so much conflict in the mind. The wilderness narrows down distractions and unplug from the daily grind. Being in a group in the wilderness will build team and communication skills.

Differences: Our group is going to be of a maturing age. Comfort is going to more of a concern than theirs. Like I said I’m concerned about sleeping on the ground. In our expedition I’m thinking of how to bring cots, hammocks, pads, and pillows to help with option for everyone to get peaceful rest. Because of the extra weight we are not going to be focusing on backpacking… we’ll be doing horse packing to help with our equipment. I’m still banking on having helicopter access as well to assist in this but also maybe some other comforts or items to lessen the weight being carried by the animals and in our packs.

2. Purification of conditioned mindsets and openly exploring our ideas. I’m assuming we both are aware that our mind is maturing… so being able to question what we think we know right now and open for alternative ways to look at our thoughts.

Differences: Their group is I’m assuming a little more clinical in their approach. Which isn’t a bad thing… actually I’m looking forward to learning more and able to find ways to incorporate approaches. Our group will be on the mindset of spiritual and enlightenment work. No ones going to be looking for someone else to give them answers, but exploring their answers they derive from the level of consciousness they’re at… and open to re-examine their decisions in the future as their levels elevate.

3. Extra adventure activities. Both of our groups like to be adventurous and participate in activities that can be done in the wilderness. Activity examples can be rock climbing, rappelling, spelunking, canyoneering things along those lines.

Differences: Honestly there wouldn’t be much differences here except we’ll be adventurous by participating in ceremonies in the wilderness. I’ve gotten messages about doing ceremonies in caves… who knows maybe we’ll find an opportunity in this expedition, maybe not… but we’ll be open to it as a possibility. We’ll also be involved with horses or possibly other animals so there will be training and activities that might involve them other than just having them work for us. If we get everyone good and comfortable with navigation we can possibly allow the horses to roam and graze wherever they want. Make sure they’re enjoying their experience too.

So yeah… I’m hoping I’m not building this up too much, but I’m getting more and more excited. Looking forward to how the phone interview goes. That’s good for now… until next time.

withinUverse · October 2, 2023

Haha… oh my goodness… I haven’t been this lit up in awhile. I have to laugh at myself because I’ve been so stagnant and resting that it’s been awhile since I’ve got my attention attracted to something and how I get when this happens… hehe… I’ve been trying to find housing and I’m posting and reaching out to quite a bit of people to see if I can get a lead. I have two so far and a possible third one. They’re all good prospects and the two I’ve spoken to actually I’d like to go and visit them if I don’t choose to room with them. The first one is a young single mom with a six year old daughter. She sent some really sweet pictures of her apartment. I’d be moving into her office. She’s from Uruguay and she said she’d love to find more opportunities to speak Spanish to help me learn… hehe… but we had a good conversation. This year in Indiana I had noticed there more in counters with the Mormon community and I didn’t know if I mentioned it here on the journal… I know I mention a few things but I remember asking myself what’s going on here? I grew up with a Mormon family that I absolutely adore but it seemed like they were coming up more often and now I feel it was trying to maybe prepare me for moving to Utah… there’s a large population of Mormons who live there. And many that I’ve met and spoke to our very open to other beliefs… it’s really refreshing. The second person I spoke with is around my age and has two children one son and one female. They would be visiting every other weekend. He doesn’t have a lease right now and suggested for us to go in on a place together. He’s from El Salvador and also was talking about learning Spanish and his experience learning English. He actually seemed he had an interest and a knack for learning languages… and the nuance between them and the connections as well. We had a good conversation and he had a pretty funny comment at the end of our conversation. I was telling him that I spoke to the young mom and also waiting to hear back from a lady who owns a horse maybe horses? And he said so right now I have a decision to speak with the Cho voy (there’s a tendency for Uruguayans to have a che in their Spanish) or speak Neeeeeehhhh (horse sound)… I laughed out loud because I wasn’t expecting him to make that noise, but I loved it too… And I told him the horse language is something I’m really interesting in learning. He actually grew up around horses when he was younger and said there is a language that can be learned by being around them. But these two option are both in the city. I’ll live in the city, but I’d much prefer to be in a small town instead. So I’m holding out and seeing what options may come up.

So this third option I happened to find looking at housing groups in Utah. I saw her post on someone’s ad that she has a quiet place for the right person. I clicked on her image and she happened to share four friends from Colorado. I reached out to one of our mutual friend to see if they knew her directly. Unfortunately she only knew her on FB, but she says she looks like good people. So I went ahead and messaged her. I received a message from her saying to give her my phone number because she doesn’t read her messages often. So I replied and with more information. So she’s the one who owns the horse. I’m getting so hopeful but trying to keep grounded… but dude…. Dude!!!! If I can work out in the wilderness helping and learning therapeutic practices for 8 days and then spend time with a horse or horses for 6 days… I would have found the jackpot! Lol… but I’m also a bit concerned about not having a vehicle so I’m really trying to hit the different groups in the town and surrounding towns where the company’s base location is.

The ads have been interesting. I’ve been talking to a few people who have responded to my ad. Mostly running into the issue of having Elvis with me. But one wanted me to be fully vaccinated to be able to move-in and right now I’m not interested in getting fully vaccinated so it wasn’t going to work out. They actually had some political ideological questions for me which I found interesting… hehe… asked if I was liberal? If I believe in Covid? How I feel about Trump? Stance on Black Lives Matter? Let’s just say I gave a thorough response to each question and he appreciated the thoughtfulness in my response. But I did find it interesting. They didn’t offer their opinion on the questions but I figured it’s ok to let that conversation go. But then I got a comment about Utah is full… which I laughed at… but also thought… hmm… maybe I’m too liberal for many people here? But I’m conservative in many ways as well. Two ladies in the actual town’s group posted that my ad was a scam… I clicked the surprised icon… I was like what? How is my ad considered a scam? Well I might have been overly lengthy in my response… maybe I’ll add a picture if I remember at the end of the journal, but I was trying to convenience them I wasn’t… hehe… and that’s when I started writing on here… I need to relax a bit. Maybe this is giving me an idea of the mentality of the people who live in town.. but I know I can’t assume that to be for everyone who lives there. And I was a little blunt at first but gave more details… hopefully other locals who read this will reach out to see if I’m a real person looking to rent a place… hehe… but I’m trying to see if I can set something up before I arrive… but I know honestly that’s not going to stop me from going and checking out this opportunity in person. I have a feeling this is exactly what I’ve been looking for.

I’m trying to look at this in many directions and trying different approaches. I’ve even contacted a leasing company because they’re looking for a part-time leasing agent. I have the experience and actually one of the top marketers in the corporation. So I was going to see if I can work some days on my days off and see if I could live on site possibly. It’s in the city though and I haven’t actually heard back but that was one way I was trying to approach it. I thought well maybe I can try to convenience my step mom to sell her van to me and allow me to pay it off in four to five months. She said she’s needing the large lump sum right now so she would rather get someone to fix the issues and then sell it for a larger amount. She has a brand new vehicle which has been a struggle for her to keep up with payments. Her payments are around $1000/month and I told her if she allows me to pay it off I’d be able to give her $1000 or actually more a month to pay it off. But she thinks she’ll get the lump sum and just pay it up front when she gets it. I was hoping to be able to be more mobile but also if I have to sleep in the van then that would be a temporary solution. There’s a RV resort in the small town and it has one more tent spot vacant that I can rent for $200 a month… and that might be my option if I can’t really find what I’m looking for before I go to training. It’s tricky because you just never know when someone will book it before I need it. But Im just not at that desperate spot quite yet… hehe… with it being that low, I’d be able to purchase a tent to stay in and be able to make some rounds around town for a month or two to see if I can find opportunities. I saw a listing for a trailer in that town where they are trying to sell their trailer for $8000… the pictures show that they started the demolition in the interior and wanted to remodel it but gave up on it. So let’s say it’s pretty rough, but I messaged them and asked if Elvis and I could rent it for cheap for a month or two and while I’m there I can do some cleanup and light construction to get the place a little more completely look to be able to sell it easier… only if he’s open to the idea of it. I did that when I was in Colorado… I do whatever I gotta do… to some extent but I’m pretty open hehe… I keep remembering that with the communications with this position that I could also wait until the training and speak with the staff there and see if they are looking for roommates and I might be able to find something with them. So I still have that in mind…

Again…I’d prefer to have something lined up even for a month before getting there…. So maybe that tent spot because that will give me a month to see what I can attract and find. I’ve done it before, but do I want to do it again? I’m going to be asking whether there is a carpooling opportunity for the training program. They do for staff, but if Im not technically staff yet will there be any opportunities? This will help determine whether I’m going to fly or drive. My stepmom will let me use the van to get dropped off if I need it. She wants to help me, but she’s really concerned about her payments. Flying would be much more cost efficient but I’d have to have a ride to the training from Salt Lake. If I have to get dropped off it goes from $200 for a ticket to $800 in gas.. which I’ll bite the bullet if I have to. Shoot that RV resort has really amazing reviews about the family who owns and runs it and I’ve been even thinking about buying a used camper and parking it there. If I stay in the tent for a few months I could buy one I saw in two months… I might go and check the camper out again…it was more like I spotted it while I was searching but was primarily looking for apartments or home or roommates… but that’s an option I’ll explore too just in case. The real thing is I’m putting a lot of urgency into this and I just need to relax… I’m hoping the lady with the horse calls in the next few days… that will give me more peace of mind whether it’s an option or not… because I feel that’s what I would really want. I’m assuming she’ll have some land I think I might remember seeing a dog… I don’t know my mind is repetitively thinking about horses so it’s hard not to get excited about almost having the chance.

I’ve been telling a few people about what’s going on… I’ve been getting a lot of mixed feelings… many are very happy for me but they also are bummed I’m going to be moving. Oh my goodness one of the guys I’ve been working in ceremony with confessed his love for me. I told him that I’m not looking… I’ve already have my eye on the one I want to share that type of relationship with. He said that he’s thankful for me being upfront with him. I laughed to myself because I thought I was already being upfront with him about this… a few times… especially when I am considering sharing ceremonies the Australian man always comes up and how much these messages might be considered the most challenging that I’ve received. But I told him that I’m happy he understands (finally). But again I hope I’m not jumping the gun and building this up more then what it is so I’m really looking forward to the interview… my concern is it’s only going to be 30 minutes… to me… that’s not a lot of time… hehe… So I have to keep reminding myself to keep it concise as much as possible, but on the other hand I feel I won’t be as authentic and I’ll just see how it goes and hopefully flows. But I know the training will really be what I want to experience to test out what it’s actually involved with this program and whether I’m ready for this style of work. It’s definitely going to be tough. I feel like there’s going to be a select few who would be able to thrive in this position. I feel I might be one of those few who would genuinely thrive in this atmosphere. I feel I won’t have to have a shell… they say they’re open but can I speak about my spiritual practices? I probably not bringing it up to the young men, but the staff? I’d hope I’d be able to express this… I don’t usually have any reservations… or maybe I’m not good at filtering anymore.. hehe

Well… I should get some rest before tomorrow.. wish me luck until next time

withinUverse · October 3, 2023

Ok… The phone interview went well… they are higher consciousness when it comes to communication. The interviewer was awesome and let me know up front that there isn’t a time limit… it was just a slot and so we spoke for about an hour. I asked quite a bit of questions answered through email. I received and email later for the invitation to join the training program next week!!! YAY!!! Ok I haven’t jumped the gun, and so now it’s trying to narrow things really down. I thought this would be a unique situation that I feel I can share, especially since I’ve seen some people here on the Forum has concerns with finances. Well.. I’ve already mentioned that I don’t technically have a lot of income myself for most of my life, but when I get something in my mind my determination just jumps in and tries to find solutions. So why not express this in more detail while I’m trying to figure things out. So… I have only $940 in my bank. I did a little work on vehicles and I’m going to be receiving another $300 in a few days. So this is what I have and I’m going to relocate to Utah for this wilderness position. Now granted… I’m going to try to take advantage of the 8 day shifts at the beginning. If I’m training and working I will not have to pay for room or board… this is included with the position. So again I’m going to use this to my advantage. I am not able to take the van with me and but Im able to use it to drive out there. I am looking whether I should drive or fly. Well… cost efficiently flying will save me around $200, but not having a vehicle does cause a little hardship of getting around. During my interview I did get a confirmation that there’s opportunities for me to contact other trainees and staff members about carpooling from Salt Lake so I’m feeling more comfortable to do this. As of now I’m thinking I’m going to go ahead and fly Frontier from IND to SLC for around $75. I’ll be able to have a carry-on and personal item. I’ll be taking two bags with me so I won’t have to check a bag… at least I’m hoping I’m still figuring out what I will have with me to take but I think I can keep things minimized. I have met those two prospective roommates so I’m going to reach out to them to see if there would be a chance for me to stay on their couch for one night. It’ll give us time to get to know each other better and they’re located in locations which will work for the carpooling. I’ll have to take the public transit to these locations and the farthest location from the airport would be two hours and only cost $5 for a day pass. I’ll give them a little money for the night stay… The flight I’m looking at looks like I’ll be making it to their home around lunch time. Now this will be arriving on Tuesday so they may be working.. so technically I don’t know if this will work. I think one actuallly works from home, but I’ll know when I reach out. And if I happen to be able to talk to any of the carpooling coworkers I could see if they wouldn’t mind if I spend the night with them as well. I don’t mind asking and I don’t mind if it doesn’t work. I do have a friend in Salt Lake (one of the original 12) I might need to ask her and the last resort will be an airbnb… ohh… I haven’t looked this up yet. So it looks like there’s two options that run for $55 for the night. So the next day many will leave to head to work because they allow us to stay at a bunk house the night before so we’re there and ready for our 9am shift. So I’ll have to pitch in for gas. I’m thinking $20 or less. I will probably be eating out or already prepared meals at the grocery during this 24 hour period because I’m not allowed to take any personal food into training. Let’s say $50 but I’m sure it will be less. So I’ll be in my training for 8 days… nothing needs to be paid at this time. They are giving us three days usage of the shared housing to get things figured out for housing they said. Well… I’m thinking that I’ll stay there but I’ll need to stay one more day somewhere before the first available shift for me to work starts again. So there’s only 4 days in between this shift because the training is Thursday to Thursday while the shifts are Tuesday to Tuesday. So there’s that RV park who rents out tent sites. Right now it has two sites which are available for this day. Now I’ll still need a ride to get there so technically it will dependent on people who have cars… how long are they going to stay in the shared employee housing. If someone stays the three days then great, but if they all decide to leave early then I’ll have to stay longer in the tent. Renting the tent site is $25/day. So it can range from $25-$100 depending on how things play out. But the RV park is at the local place of work so it should be hard to have somebody drop me off and then pick me up to get out to work. The location for work is closer to the mountains so about a half hour drive from town. Technically depending on how I’m feeling I could just hike it or give a try at hitch hiking… hehe… I have tried that once before in Australia and it worked out really well. Had great conversation and he happened to own an Indian restaurant so we had dinner together as well. So… let’s go on the high end of things… from the flight to the days after training how much would it cost me? 75 (flight) + 5 (bus) + 55 (airbnb) + 20 (gas) + 50 (food) + 100 (tent) = $305 So let’s go ahead and remove that from the money I have $940 (bank) + $300 (extra work) = $1240 - $305 (expense before first shift) = $935

So by this time I’ll start my first 8 day shift, again no expenses at this time. The last day of this shift I’ll be getting my first pay check ( I asked the dates of the pay periods for the month of October). Now I’m uncertain which day they cut off for the pay period but it’s going to be around $2,650 for the monthly pay for this position. Now OBVIOUSLY I’m not wanting this position because of the pay… it’s the quality of the position I’m drawn towards and motivated doing all of this. Lol… many workers in Colorado if they saw this they would laugh at me because we make a little more then double over there, but again… this position isn’t working in a restaurant or hotel… this isn’t saying that these positions are bad, but what I’m saying is money is not my motivating factor when it comes to work for me. I also have the opportunity to get a part-time job on my days off to supplement my income… but I might just want to have those days off too.. so I’ll see how I feel when I return from the field. I’ll say for now that I’m not going to get a part time for this projection. But I’ll go ahead and divide the monthly income by half to get a rough estimate of what the first pay will be. $2650/2= $1325. Now training is not paid; however, after we work our first shift our first paycheck will include a $500 stipend. So we can add that onto this. $1825. So now how much would I have in my bank? $935 + $1825. $2,760. Now that probably will give me enough money to move into a place, BUT with this scenario I’m going to be dragging a small tent around with me. And I don’t want to drag it around to just use it for four days… so I’m going to go back to the RV park and rent a tent site for six days this time for $150. This time I’ll be in town and I’ll be able to get to a grocery store and grab a few groceries for the week. And I’ll be at a RV park… there’s other people there. I’m going to be talking to people and at first I thought I could probably get by with Peanut butter and fruit sandwiches mostly, but I’m sure I’ll have an opportunity to use a stove or hell… I might be able to join a pitch in and throw them a little money for being so kind for sharing for me. I’m going to say at the high end which I feel again is a lot higher then what it actually will be, but I’ll say it’s $60 for the week for food. So I’ll want to be hitting up locals and see if there is any possible housing opportunities. Yes I want that horse opportunity, but it hasn’t been confirmed. I’d much rather be living in a small town then the city so I’m going to give a good effort to see if I run into an opportunity for housing there. I did actually see there was a 3bd/1bth apartment available in this town for $650/mo including utilities. And I’ve messaged to see if it’s still available and see whether they are cat friendly… So technically I could pay it after my first check but I don’t want to be too hasty either. I don’t think it will be that bad to stay in a tent for a month… it’s worth it to be able to have enough money to get a decent place and allowing time for opportunities to show itself. So I forgot that when it comes to the shifts for work, the company again offers the coworker shared house the day before and the day after our 8 days… so I could take advantage of sleeping on a bed at this time.. which honestly I will do… hehe. But I won’t need to make the corrections with the tent area it would be $100 not $150 but when I project I’d much rather be on the higher side of expenses because things come up. So after my second shift, the last day I’ll have my next pay check = $1325 So what would I have then? Expenses are $150 (tent) + $60 (food) = $210 and we can go ahead and combine my savings at this time $2,760 + $1325 = $4085 and take away the expenses $3875 and actually I’ve got this phone service now so another $35 needs to be taken out as well. So I’ll have $3,840 and at this time the date will be November 14th.

This is where I’ll have to make a decision and hopefully by then I’ll have a housing option available. And really I think this is going to determine what I have to do. If I have something, then I’ll probably fly back to Indiana so I can pick up Elvis and my other belongings. Or if I don’t have anything then I’ll have to do the same thing… rent a tent for another week = $150 plus food $60 = $210 expenses before my third shift and at the end of this shift I’ll be getting another $1325. I’d have… $3840 + $1325 = $5165 - $210 (expenses) = $4,955 and that date will be November 28th. Now honestly it doesn’t sound awesome to be sleeping on the ground during all this time with only what with 8 days of sleeping on a bed. But again I’ll do what needs to be done and depending on how this falls into place… I’ll have had 16 days of trying to get housing setup. When I was in Colorado it took me only 2 days to get a place but I was in a more desperate situation and took whatever I could take. I’m more patient and more conscious who I’m going to be sharing space with so I’d much rather see what options are. I’m going to go ahead and do the figures when I return to get my little buddy and belongings. I’d be purchasing either a round trip ticket or I might drive on the way back to Salt Lake if I bring too many things… hehe. I’m pretty good at minimizing, but sometimes I still find a way to want to bring things… probably depends on what type of housing I was able to find and agree to. Well… let’s take a look at both. We’ll look at flights going out before my third shift of work… there’s limited flights so I’d be leaving on Thursday the 16th arriving on the Friday 17th. I’d have to return on the Monday the 24th. Wait that won’t work it would arrive on Tuesday around 1:34am and I’d have to be at work at 9 am. I don’t know if any coworkers would wait for the morning to drive to the location… maybe but where am I going to stay to wait for four hours with my cat? I can’t find myself paying for an airbnb for 4 hours. And these 4 hours would be from 2am-6am so I wouldn’t want to go to someone’s place. And shit I wouldn’t even have time to take my cat to the spot. And I’d like to spend a day or two at minimum before I leave him for 8 days… I would’ve already left him for a month with my dad… and don’t worry I’m going to be video messaging my dad and Elvis so he can try to figure out that I didn’t abandon him. But having a few days to get him ok… well maybe that whole driving back might be the better option. My dad would be driving with me to take the vehicle back and maybe he could stay a few days or even two weeks so he can stay with Elvis for the days I’m working and then when I’ve got my days off we can go exploring together. So hmmm… I’m going to check the other dates and see if I’m going to run into the same situation. I didn’t run into an issue of blackout dates when I was looking earlier. Let’s see if I want to purchase a round trip after the 3rd shift… Ok wow! There aren’t any flights after my third shift… hmmm… Let’s jump back up to the price if I go after the first shift? I had to go back and read how much money I would have at that time; I’ll have $2700 Ok.. this actually was the date I was looking at earlier because I really would hate to be away from Elvis for too long. So what does that look like for flights? This is what I thought… It will be $320 for a round trip ticket adding in the pet fee and a checked bag. I’d be leaving the 1st of November arriving on Thursday the 2nd. I’d leave Indiana on Sunday the 5th arriving on the 6th. This would leave me with $2380. With this amount then what would I have to do… I’ll have to have housing so I’d probably have to pay first months rent and deposit. My quarter of income would be $700 so I’m thinking move-in cost would be $1400 so let’s take that away. $2380 (bank) - $1400 (move-in) = $980 remaining. That also means I’d have to find something in those four days in between the training and first shift… owww… I’m not certain if that would be good. Ok… I’m thinking the round trip ticket isn’t my option. My option would be to fly back and drive back… now this also assumes that the van that I couldn’t take with me will still be available to use to drive me back. It might be sold by this time… hmmm… interesting… what other options would I have? That would be either a train or a greyhound… of course not ideal when traveling with a cat but…. We do what needs to be done. So…. Let’s think about this…

This might take a lot more time to get back to Salt Lake and I still feel like brining my dad with me to help me ease Elvis but also show him where I moved to… So I’ll be seeing what the difference in cost would be… hehe… so this is what’s going on in my head and much more but when we don’t have the convenience of having a good chunk of money to relocate… then this is how some people with less means has to plan things out. Takes a little more work, but there are solutions to be found. Realistically I don’t think I’ll find anything in those 4 days… I might if other co-workers decide to go in on a place, but I don’t know about a local moving that quickly. I might have to give them time to prepare unless I can get an apartment. Hmmm… so many factors to consider. Well… it’s 4:30am and I’m tired… so I’ll take a look at this tomorrow. Ok… until next time

withinUverse · October 3, 2023

Hehe… I couldn’t go to sleep. This is how I get when I am this determined. I laid down and thought about it. I really didn’t like the fact that Elvis wouldn’t really have any days with me in the space before I would leave for work. And I kept thinking that I’d want to have the money I have now and then start saving before move-in and wait for more options. But really there was an option that I really like and it’s ready to move-in except for bedding. She uses it as an office right now, and I honestly don’t mind if she keeps it in there… she’s got multiple screens so I figured she might work from home… at least a good chance. But she was sweet and the housing looks really nice and it’s in my price range. I don’t think she has a lease that I will be signing. I thought maybe I can just grab a futon. I’ll get her approval on which one I’ll get, but there seems to be one for $85 in Utah a little north of Salt Lake. I was wondering how I would get it to her place and I started thinking about the driving option again. I’ll be able to pay for gas, futon, and first month’s rent and still have around $300 which all I’ll need is food until I have to leave for work and the six days between. And that’s doable and I might ask my pops for maybe $500 and I’ll be able to pay him and her for next month’s rent on my first check. The $500 will be the gas he’ll need to pay to get back to Indiana and then around $200 for just in case something comes up… hehe… we’ll see I probably won’t need that extra money, but I’m sure I can get a little extra if I need to. But I’m hoping that if I do find a location that is better suited like maybe the horse location… I’d be able to keep the futon in her office. I’m waiting a little longer before I give her a call and see what she says. Wish me luck… hehe. I’m going to try to get my physical done today.. there’s two spots in my hometown which should be able to do this for a reasonable price. Ok… I’ve got more searching and responding to the people I’ve messaged. Enjoy your day!

withinUverse · October 5, 2023

Good morning…. I’ve been really going since the last time I wrote. I ended up falling asleep fairly early last night… around 9:30 and so I’m up now at 4:45. My dad is still sleeping so I thought this would be a great time to write in the Journal. So where did I leave off. Yes, I have made some decisions since. There was the young mother and her six year old daughter whom I really enjoyed speaking with. I had thought I wanted to see what other options are available but honestly it was just going to make it more difficult that way. So I reached out to her to see if she’d still be interested in me sharing her home together and she was excited that I wanted to join her little family. So I’ve gathered that she just moved into her place only a few weeks ago and she has separated with her ex. So this location is new to her and that’s why she’s still getting her rooms situated. She’s so sweet… she had wallpaper that she wanted to put into the space before I got there so she’s been busy doing that. I told her she’s more than welcome to wait for me so I can give her a hand. Since I decided to move-in with her now I’m able to drive out there and bring more of my belongings and Elvis with me. My dad will be joining us because he’ll have to return the van for me. He’s not to thrilled to have to do this; he’d much prefer to have me take the van. He talked to his wife to see if he could help convence her to just allow me to take it, but she really feels that she’d rather have the money from the van in a large lump sum instead of having it paid off through February. He said he’s never said no to her once about anything, and she constantly says no. I told him it’s not a problem when people say no… I wish he could start to feel more comfortable in saying no a little more than he does… hehe… but he’ll have to figure that out for himself. So my new roomie said she’s looking for a futon for my dad and has extra linens for him to use and wanted to see what he enjoys so she can make recommendations for him to enjoy himself while he’s here. I chuckled and said that it’s not necessary. I’m going to be brining a mattress with me and I had to tell my dad that he should sleep at least one night before he left. If it was up to him he would just help me unload and return as soon as possible. I told him stay the night and take advantage of a nice shower. I said that should be motivation enough to stay a little longer… he’s been living without running water for two years… take a shower or even a bath… hehe. I told him that it seems like my roomie would spoil him, if he would accept it. There’s no rush for him to have to leave. I was hoping to maybe pick up some items from around the city like tables and lamps and then drop me off the morning of my training. I thought I’d be able to get my physical done in town but the locations here do not have a physician to perform physicals. They’re mostly for dental work. If it’s not obvious by now I do not use a family doctor. I haven’t been to a doctor for decades. I’m going to have to see expense wise if I should go ahead and go to like a CVS or go to the Emery Health Center which is recommended by the company. Emery is familiar with the program and it’s seems it would be easier. With the documents I received it seemed like they would like to have this done before training, but when I spoke to them through email; they said I needed these before my first shift. I said I’m anticipating to start my shift within four days after the training is over so it’s going to be a little tricky. So the First Aid/CPR card… the lady I’ve been speaking with for about month with helped me out by signing me up to take the online course and said there are options of the classroom training available on the 21st which will be on my break and before my first shift. I really appreciated her making it easy because It felt like I had so many things to take care of I started to feel scattered, but she made it easier. So I’ve been doing the online training. Since I hadn’t rested it was actually hard for me to concentrate and not want to fall asleep while I was doing it… that’s why I went to bed early last night. My body and mind was like… hey girl… this is important. Even though this is a refresher of things you’ve been introduced to… it’s best to be taking this course with a fresh mind. I haven’t had to perform CPR on anyone before, but I have had to do the heimlech on my pops before. I started that section on the course and it brought memories of me having to do this for him. It was at a holiday gathering. This was many of us sitting around eating but we were sitting on a sectional. People were laughing and making jokes and I happened to turn to look at my dad and was laughing along with us but then very suddenly he was choking. I quickly moved behind everyone to get behind him and did the heimlech and was able to help the food blockage get out of his airways. This was a while ago… I was in high school maybe early college… it’s a bit of a challenge for me to remember exact dates, but since then he’s actually had to count how many times he chews his food to make sure the food is easier to digest. The course said that many people are scared to act when someone needs to perform CPR or don’t know what to do. There were some technical details that I had forgotten but for the most part I did remember. And I’m confident that I wouldn’t hesitate to act if I was found in this position. Now my physical… I called Emery and they would be able to schedule an appointment for me at 8 that Thursday morning. They said it usually takes about a half hour for the results but it’s not an exact timing. Now that I know I don’t actually need the results for that day… I wanted to see how early my dad and I would have to wake to get there. And also get a hold of them and just see if they’d just email me the results or if I can come back at a later date to pickup the results. Let’s just check it out. It might be easier to just go to a CVS to do this so I don’t have to wake up my dad unnecessarily. I heard it shouldn’t be an issue to get a ride from another staff member to go down on Wednesday so we can sleep the night before and wake up and go. But I actually missed the first meetup meeting… yeah I felt bad. They sent three invites to meetings using meetup instead of like a zoom where we can meet the fellow trainees and also the recruiters we’ve been dealing with. This was the day after I hadn’t slept and I saw that two of them I could join but one I was going to be drumming at an art fair. So this was when I first started the first aid online course and I felt myself getting tired. I had mixed up the times and I thought I would be able to take a two hour nap and wake up in time for the zoom. Well I did mix up the time so when I tried to get on they were already in session. I messaged to see if I could join on the feedback section, but there wasn’t an answer and so I wasn’t wanting to interrupt more that I was already. I messaged my recruiter and told her what happened. She already knew I hadn’t slept that’s why she sent me the link to the first aid for me because she’s trying to help me out as much as possible. They would have like me to join two out of three, but said I have to at least attend one. So that will be tonight at 1am my time 11pm their time. I’m going to confirm that but if my memory services me right.. that should be it. I have the drum performance tonight and I’m going over to my cousin’s to pick up one of her backpacks to use. I was telling her about the position and she knew right away this is something that I’ve been looking for. First of all she’s like where is it… I said Utah and she said well that’s somewhere new for you… you’ll love it. When I started to tell her about the therapy part it was obvious to her that this was better then just learning about wilderness training… let’s just say… it was nice to see someone who gets me… hehe. I hadn’t told anyone really because I wanted to wait until I confirmed that I got the invitation to join the training before I had an announcement. So I received a list of gear that I will need. At first I was told that I would need like my own backpack, sleeping back, hiking boots, and clothes. Well I had that but when I got the list there were other items that I needed that I didn’t have. So the company has a lending library, but not all of the items do they have to lend out. So they suggest going to thrift shops and borrowing from friends and family. If I get it from their lending library then I’ll be able to use them for the training and first three shifts for apprenticeship, but after that I’d have to purchase. So I figured if nothing else I’ll do this. Well at first I didn’t know they wouldn’t have everything on the list to borrow but I felt like there was a buffer I had and I’d have a few checks by that time so I shouldn’t have a problem affording to get the equipment. I decided why don’t I see if anyone I know in Indiana would have any of the gear I needed. When I posted this I didn’t think I was taking my cat with me and said I can borrow and return by Thanksgiving. I really wanted to post that I had to take a year for my mind to rebuild. I’ve been patiently waiting for the call to move forward, and this is it! And I’ll be leaving in a week and posted my job listing to give people more information about it if they’re curious so I don’t have to repeat myself… because many people I know would like to hear what my next adventure is. Sending a link many people got to read it and then be able to respond. But I listed a few items to see if anyone could help. And people responded. Actually a coworker from my concert gig… someone who worked with the riggers and I hardly spoke with ended up sending me $200 through PayPal. It was sweet and very unexpected. He wrote me if I had paypal and I didn’t know how to respond at first. I said I do actually have paypal and i gave the emoticon of smile, smile with a piece of sweat coming down, and a heart. I didn’t really know if I should assume that he was wanting to send me money, because I didn’t think this would be available to me. Later on he wrote… can you send me the information please. And again I had to check myself. I thought… well maybe he doesn’t have the gear I”m wanting and he’s just trying to give me help. Should I just message him my information? Well I said it’s not going to be a big deal just give it to him. And so I created a little image with my picture, email, and QR code to send me payments. And right away he sent me two hundred bucks. I immediately thanked him and he said he wanted to help me to be safe and comfortable… so sweet! So he just helped me pay for my physical. I told him it’s much appreciated. This has been an abrupt decision so I wasn’t as prepared as I would’ve hoped but I’m going to move forward anyway. I ended up getting the $300 from my stepmom for the vehicle work I did to two of her cars and she sent it to my dad’s account. I told him to just keep it and we’ll use it on gas on our trip out to Utah. So I asked my roomie if it’s alright if I just pay the prorated rent for October and I’ll be getting a check on the 31st so I can be on time to pay the full month’s rent for November. She said she was going to suggest that to me because she gets it when it comes to moving suddenly. So I sent her money through Venmo.. which I had to setup.. I usually just use PayPal. I have a pay bill option through my bank and asked her if she wanted she can fill out her personal information when I arrived so she didn’t have to give me her account information, but she said she’d much rather use Venmo and so I signed up. Usually it’s challenging for me to do this because I normally don’t have a phone and there’s always codes and verifications that need to be sent and many times this isn’t an easy option for me, but I bit the bullet and got my phone. I went ahead and set up direct pay so I’ll be spending $35 each month for phone, text, and 15Gb of data. It’s a prepaid monthly plan so I can deactivate it anytime as I wish, but for now it works for me.

Now that my friends know what I’m going for now they started reaching out and sending me best of luck and congratulations and some had the items on the list I gave. Well I was thinking I was going to just ask my Indiana friends because that’s where I am. But my buddy in Aurora reached out to me and said he had plenty of gear for me and I should stop by on my way out. I didn’t even think of that and he is the perfect person to receive assistance from. I asked him if he happens to have wool socks and he said yes, and I said it’ll be worth it to go for those because those are pricey items and I really wanted to have some good socks. I bought hiking boots but they were pretty much new even though I got them from a thrift store. I’ve been wearing them to break them in and also stuffing the high tops inside the shoe to loosen them up. I got them to do my orienteering a while ago before I knew I was going earlier to Utah and thought I’d be waiting until January. But they worked well on our two mile hike and they seem broken in enough for me to not get blisters but if I had some thick woolen socks it would make me feel better to help prevent blistering. Well I ended up direct messaging my friend because there was a lot we were going to discuss that didn’t need to be posted on my public post. So he’s retired and he’s done many things in life mostly building in remote locations in the world. He was part of the crew who originally build camp one at the Himalayas and he’s also one of the rare people who have been to Antártica to build there… I think he’s been there twice now. Since his retirement he continues to teach Boy Scouts survival skills in the Rockies during the winter time. So yeah I’m just learning about wilderness training. He’s been doing this pretty much all his life since he was a child in boys scout. So does he have gear? Yes he’s collected a lot of them. I’ve been to his place and has helped him try to organize his mother’s home. She was bit of a hoarder and he moved in there when she passed, so I went to go help him out. So he said anything I needed he’d be happy to help and he doesn’t need any compensation for it because he just doesn’t need it. He’s set financially. So I did go ahead and send him the pdf file of the list of gear they are wanting me to bring. He came back and said he could give me half of what’s on the list. Holy cow I was so happy. The main ones is he said he has many 70-100L backpacks to choose from which is a huge ticket item. Even if I had to use the lending library when it came time to purchase it… it would’ve been a big chunk of savings, but now… I won’t have to worry about it. They will be nice and broken in and I’ll be able to use if for at least a year and I”m sure longer. So yes! Plus he has a sleeping pad which again I know he’s older and wants to be comfortable sleeping so I”m sure this will help ease my mind to be better comfortable to sleep on the ground for half the year. Let’s just say he’s hooking a sister up and I’m so thankful. I keep telling him that I’d like to give him some compensation once I start getting paid but he refuses to accept it. He’s bit of a talker and I told him that I apologize but I won’t be able to stay long while I’m driving through. My roomie has a six year old and I don’t want to push the bedtime hours so I don’t affect her rest. I think he understands… I hope I don’t have to tell him when I arrive… hehe… I do think I’ll be able to have lunch with him though… if our timing is right. So yeah I went to eat with my ex-stepmom. The mother of my sister and she ended up giving me gift cards to McDonalds, Dairy Queen, Taco Bell, and Subway. I chuckled because I know she knows I don’t eat at these locations but she said they should help out in case of emergencies. And she also thought I’d be able to take out my roomie and daughter to get ice cream and stuff. I said actually that does sound great! As I think more about it I think I will be able to use them more than I think. I can help pay for meals for my pops and I while we’re taking this trip and I could give him one as he returns so he doesn’t have to spend a lot of extra money. Since I’m not tent camping and everything I’m going to be spending almost all the money I have and so for the weeks before my first paycheck I’ll be able to get meals with them. She gave me like $250 worth of food. And I can’t not accept them. And she knew I’d be using the Subway more and gave me a hundred on that one. So thank you so much!

I’ve got a buddy here who is homeless and we’ve been talking about things while I’ve been home. He’s the one I shared ceremony with and had a metaphysical head butt that occurred during ceremony. He wants to help as much as he can and wants to offer some of his stuff. He already gave me a hammock with insect netting. I feel hesitant to take anything from him but I also don’t want him to feel bad. I was talking to him and said that actually if he could get his anger issues under control… then he would be great at this position too. He said that he actually thought the same thing. So that’s another reason why I wanted to post the link because I feel this position calls to some select few and I happen to know quite a bit of them. And so I wanted to indirectly show them a potential opportunity. He wants to give me more but he’s very scattered and disorganized… hehe… so I told him its not necessary because I’m getting hooked up by my Aurora buddy but he doesn’t want to take no for an answer either. I told him to accept me to pay for some of these items and he’s like me and said that he’s giving it to me because he wants to help not to get money from me. I told him we’ll play it by ear. He can always get more gear with the money I send him to help him be more comfortable too. We’ll see how our stories unfold, but I hope he sees that changing our habits could be a good thing…. Oh and that brings me to the things I know I’m going to have to struggle with while taking this position. So I’ve been wanting to quit smoking and when I am just thinking of myself unfortunately it’s easy for me to make excuses, because it’s not that I think tobacco is bad. In fact I want to learn more about it. I just don’t want to be using it habitually like I am. Well… I’m not able to bring tobacco with me on my eight day shifts… so perfect! I know I want this position so much that I’d be happy to struggle through symptoms of withdraw to have this opportunity. So yeah this will also give me good examples for the kids to show them my thoughts about not being able to smoke. So this program is an open-minded program. Some of them have started to use drugs and they will be struggling with withdraw too. So I’ll be able to relate to them. I’m going to be an example where I’m not just a person who doesn’t have issues. I have issues but I’ve matured to a state to handle them easier and I’m ok with the struggle now. I’m not someone who is exempt of struggle, but I don’t see it as a negative thing. For me its necessary to transform into someone I’m creating. Also on my days off if I have to I can smoke, but I also wanted to choose living with a child because they too help me to not smoke. I’m not going to smoke at my place and the more I put myself in situations where I don’t want to smoke the easier and quicker I can stop the habitual nature I have with tobacco. So yeah I”m excited to get through the struggle… hehe. And now that I’m going to be driving and able to take more things with me… I’m thinking I can set myself up to share ceremonies out there if the situation comes up. First of all I know my girl from the original twelve does ceremonies and I’d love to share again with her. But I’ve already been talking with the other potential roommate about it too.

So it seems clear to me now that this guy is interested in me romantically. He called again and we talked and he’s not overly apparent about his attraction but in subtle ways he’s showing me he’s interested. We did end up talking about Ayahuasca and the ceremonies I hold while I’m in the states to prepare people. He’s eager to do it with me, but I told him that’s not how it works. I’ll have to have conversations with him and see where he really is before I share. I told him there’s people I’ve been working with here in Indiana where it’s taken 6 months and we haven’t shared ceremony yet. I told him I’m not in a hurry. I’d like to prepare people before going in. And to do this is to have deep conversations and allow me to observe their behaviors and communications. But I did think about the gear I’ll be getting I could take people into the wilderness to share ceremony together. I have two sleeping bags and if I had to take the plane I’d have to choose one, but now I’m taking both.. so I’ll be able to have gear not only for myself but for someone else to join me. And I know I run into many personalities… in case they aren’t hiking people they wouldn’t have to get gear just to go with me. I’d have things lined up to just go out together. I don’t know if this is what I’m going to do, but they are thoughts that are running through my mind. I didn’t know if this would come up in my interview as well. Ive been thinking about not wanting to mask anything. So she knew I have done all this international traveling… how did it start for me. And so I told her about the struggle I had in Italy with my ex and I wanted to go to the Amazon jungle to try ceremonies that have been done for many family generations. I didn’t go into every detail about Ayahuasca but I did let her know more of my approach to spirituality and it made her more curious about me and it didn’t stop them from wanting me to join the training session. When I talk to her she seems excited to have me on board… and I make it known how excited I am to meet her and the staff and the guests. So… what am I really wanting to discuss at this time? I feel I have to go back to my financials… there are so many things I’d like to purchase for my space but I need to be more realistic of what I actually have to work with and how much I have to spend. I know I needed a bed and I found a double thick full mattress and box spring here in Indiana for $40 bucks. The woman I was speaking with is really nice and at one time we thought her husband sold it to another person, but fortunately their truck fell through and so I was back open to take it. So I said yes I’ll take it and I can be there Friday morning to pick it up with my pops. We took my dad’s full bed to the back of the van and it fit snug as a bug back there and so the mattress will be in the back so we can also have a place to rotate sleep while we’re driving out there and place my belongings on half of it. We do have to strap the box spring to the top of the van which my dad’s not too happy about because it’s going to take more gas to go, but I told him it’s going to be fine.. hehe. If I have a box spring and double thick mattress then I don’t have to worry about a bed frame right away and anyway I like things closer to the floor so I think it’s going to be worth it. He said the gas might tell us differently that it’s not just going to be a $40 mattress set… I told him the prices I was seeing in Utah were more in the one hundred dollar range so it shouldn’t add another $60 to our gas, but if it does it’s still exalts out and this is a double thick mattress not a single one… so I would like to get the more comfortable option. Plus I just enjoyed talking with the woman seller. We were chuckling that she’d much rather give it to me because she knows I”m an actual person… hehe. So I’d like to get a few side tables because I’ve got a few decorations that I’ll be brining to make it feel like my space. I know I want to get some new things but brining gifts I’ve received from friends and family that I still enjoy will be helpful and pleasing for me and again I’ve got the space to take now. I’ve got most of everything packed up. It is more than I’d like to take so I’ll go through it again and see if I can minimize them more. I feel like I”m stepping into a newer version of myself and so I could just reduce more of my belongings and be patient with my savings and get things that relay who I’m becoming or am now. Actually I’m not taking my artwork. I’m going to keep it here for my dad. Most of them represent our family and so I think he’ll still enjoy them. There’s a few canvases that I was painting on the summer… I will take them and use them as an outlet. I can continue to paint over them just to get my creative juices going. I’ve got mirrors here I’ll take with me too… makes my room feel larger and I just enjoy mirrors. I have one which is big enough for a headboard for the bed and three longer mirrors like the basic mirrors to check how your clothes fit and look. I put three of them together because I do enjoy dancing and it’s nice to watch how my body moves as an example doing my Tahitian… see if I’m moving my upper body… how much I’m extending out my hips and how my rotational circles are and how fast I can move them without getting sloppy… hehe… I”m bringing the mirrors I love seeing the patterns from across the room in the mirrors and I just love the dynamics its a highlight for me in my spaces. But…. What can I actually afford at this time if anything.

What do I still need to buy? I have the mattress/box spring $40. I’m also going to buy a portable drum. There’s my buddy from the drum troupe that found three options and I chose the smallest one but it has authentic raw hide as the head which is what I want for $25 but he and our other buddy thinks the one that is a little bigger should be the one I should take because it has a synthetic head and if I’m camping out and it starts to rain then it will hold better for $35. I asked if I could just take both then… hehe… The smaller one is something i”d like to dance with it’s a great size it’s what I used when I was learning middle eastern style. It was hard for me to find online… actually I couldn’t find it so I’d really like to have it and I won’t have to take it camping with me. I can use it indoors. Plus I feel I’ll like the sound a bit better. And even though it’s short it looks like the head is a good size like the circumference of the head is larger then someone would expect for that size. That also interests me. So I’m not sure if he’s wanting to get rid of both of them. He said let’s just discuss it when I go to the drum performance. But let’s say I do get both of them… that would be $60 and if I find that I need to cut back on expenses I can just get one for now. Technically the company doesn’t want us taking personal items with us… at least for training. I saw a photo with someone having a guitar but they specifically said not to bring instruments for training. So I might not even be able to take it to work anyway. If I have to choose i”m going for the smallest one with the authentic hide. Of course I’d like to play them first because the sound will also affect my decision making. But if I go with one then I’ll pay $25. I’ll need to pay for the physical which I saw is around $200 for a CVS one. Let me make sure I’ve been looking around at so many things tha’ts why I was late for the meeting. I just didn’t keep things straight. So let me verify the cost on their website. So yeah I’m glad I checked because it’s only $99 with takes let’s say $105 ish. So… $40 + $60 + $105 = $205. I don’t think I’ll need to pay anything for the CPR/First Aid because my company set me up for this. I didn’t have to put any card information into the system to start doing my online course. So I’m assuming the classroom training will be the same. And I saw when I read the documents they were able to give us a code to do this for free. So that won’t cost anything. So what do I have as my balance now? So I have $675 - $205 = $475… what’s the gas prices going to estimate to? Now I’ve already talked to my dad and he said I could pay him back for his return trip gas when I get paid so I’ll be looking at the one way trip with the money I have to use for it now. He just went to California on a roadtrip with his wife and her sister and he said it’s about $80 to fill and it should take about 4 fills to get to Utah = $320 now my dad thinks there’s going to be more since we’re strapping on the box spring on top so I’ll go ahead and round it up to $400 in gas. He has three hundred in his account that I told him to keep for gas and then I’ll have to pay another extra $100 from my stash. So $475 - $100 = $375. For food I can use the gift cards and I know my dad if he starts to get picky he can eat wherever he wants but can also pay for it if he doesn’t want to eat at the locations I can pay for him. What am I missing? Gas money to get to my training? If I go to CVS then I don’t need my dad to take me early and I’ll just go ahead and hitch a ride. If that’s the case around $20 for round trip? Well it’ll take two hours one way so maybe I’ll double it for $40 bucks round trip. $375-$40= $335. There’s a credenza, coffee table, and night stand for $70 which I’d like to get if they are still available when I arrive. $335 - $70 = $265. Elvis is good on food for a month or so.. but I could grab him another bag of kitty litter but that’s like $10… = $255.. So it looks like I’m good really. Even if I have… oh wait…I’ll have to go to my first work position with this money so that will be another $40 bucks. = $215… Yeah I think I’m good. I’d like to pay for my dad’s gas for him to return but I think he’ll be ok to wait until the first of November to get it. On the first I’ll have $650 (rent) + $320 (gas for dad) + $80 (gas for work) + $35 (phone) = $1085 and from my first check… what is my estimate pay? $1825 + reimbursed for my physical exam so an extra $105 = $1925 - $1085 = $840 sweet! I’ll have enough to actually get groceries and maybe a few other housing items… I’m wanting to make more of a haven for Elvis in the room since he’ll be alone more and want him to know I love him.. hehe… we’ll see how it reacts… if he gets along with the ladies then I won’t have to buy him so much material things because he’ll be getting attention and that’s what he really wants… hehe. So we’ll see. I’d like to start saving as much as possible. But maybe that will be more for the November paychecks. I usually like to start paying rent in advance just so I can get a better since of what my sailing are but I can get to that when it comes. But yeah… I think what I’m wanting to do should just be fine! Since I’m going to pick up the mattress on Friday then I’ll go ahead and see which CVS that has the minute clinic around the area I’m going to be at and I wanted to go to Walmart… oh yeah there’s a few items I wanted to pick up there like I need a watch with an alarm. I found a basic watch for like $10 at Walmart. But I think I’ve got enough money to have room to buy a few things here and there. I was going to go back to the Goodwill Outlet to look for a puffy coat. I have a vest which should be fine because I have many layers I can take… actually I’ll probably just wait on the puffy coat.. I’ve got enough to make it work. There’s actually an outlet in Salt Lake I saw and I’m thinking there will be more options on hiking and camping clothes and maybe gear there then here in Indiana. So yeah… Things are working out. I’ll go ahead and continue my online class while my dad is still sleeping. I’ll setup an appointment at CVS for Friday, I’ll do another run through with my stuff to see if I can condense it down more. I’ll take what I’m not taking with me to the Goodwill in Muncie. Do my drum performance with the troupe and head to my cousins afterwards and return in time to do the 1am meeting with the trainees and recruiters. So not too bad of a day ahead. It’s so exciting! until next time

withinUverse · October 11, 2023

Alright… coming live from Utah, now. Elvis, my dad, and I arrived around 7:30pm yesterday… after 28 hours in the van. Wasn’t bad timing. So… there’s been things that I’ve been thinking about writing but I was just running one day to the next… tomorrow I was hoping there wasn’t going to be anything to do for a day before I start training on Thursday. But… there’s usually some type of vehicle issues that follow us when we travel and this trip is not excluded either. The driver side back tire had issues with the internal brakes. The bottom metal bracket got dislodged and so the brake pad slid down and something is preventing the wheel to turn properly. Since we’ve arrived to Utah there seems to be friendly folks to chat with. The neighbor across the hall actually is from the same county we live in in Indiana. He actually knew a few families from our hometown. It was pretty surprising. And he’s a mechanic. He was supposed to help us out today with the brakes issue but he was swamped at work. I’m hoping he’ll be able to give us the materials and tools for us to replace it tomorrow… so my dad can head back and also I don’t have to worry about it while I’m at training. We’ll see how it goes. So Elvis is loving our new location. It’s been really odd but he’s warmed up to my roommate and somewhat her daughter already within 24 hours. I never know how he’s going to respond when we enter into new space. When we were on the roadtrip I tried to setup the ride a little different than the past. I had the mattress down and placed my belongings on the back half and had half of it where we could sit and read or lay down and rest while he had his areas to rest too. So instead of my dad and I sitting in the front seat and have him at the back by himself. We were either driving or relaxing in the back with him. It made a huge difference with his temperament. He didn’t ever want to shoot out of the van when we opened doors. He ended up laying on my dad’s lap which I’m glad my dad got to see his sweet side. He’s a sweet boy but normally it takes him a bit of time to warm up to people. Well it seemed to translate once we got into the new place, because he’s been visiting my roommate today while she was working from home. He was in the window sill when the daughter came home and had three of her friends over playing in the same room. That really surprised me… hehe… I went in and pet him and to check if he was feeling ok… hehe… but he wasn’t bothered until they all started to want to hold him so he ran out of the room, but to stay as long as he did was really good. It’s making me feel easier to leave him for training for the eight days. I know it’ll be a little struggle for him, but I’m hoping that he’ll be able to ease into fairly smoothly. Oh before I left I did go ahead and made him a cardboard scratcher… he loves it… he’s sleeping in it as we speak. I spent some money on this fancy cat cave thing and I have to try to bribe him to get into it, but once I started to make this cardboard scratcher; he was in love… hehe. But the cat cave he’s slowly opening up to as well.. in the van and also already in the room he’s found some peace inside it. So again its making me feel better. So I’ve gotten everything pretty much ready to go for the training. I

(Ok… so he came with the parts and the tools and was going to go ahead and change it for us tonight… so I grabbed some lights for him which was good his light he was using ended up going out. But there were four different versions for this van so he had the wrong size so he has to get the correct parts tomorrow and finish it up. I didn’t expect him to work on it this late. That’s very kind of him.. I wish he could just get done so he didn’t have to continue messing with it, because it seems he has a full schedule. He said this is an early night for him.)

So yes training I feel I’m pretty much ready. I finished the online course for the First Aid/ CPR.. it brought up different times where I responded to the best of my knowledge in moments of emergency when I was in high school. I believe I mentioned when my dad was choking but also I was with my girl friend at a home and it was a small party and we were drinking underage. I remember there was a flash of light from just turning on a switch and my girl friend triggered a seizure. I remember hearing from my aunt and cousin who has seizures at times is to not touch the one who’s having a seizure. I was making sure she wasn’t going to hit her head or anything while she was in it. I was yelling for someone to call 911 and I remember all the older guys who were of age refused to call because they were afraid of getting into trouble. I remember how pissed I was because I said there’s no way I’m going to let her die here because they’re afraid of possibly getting into trouble. I probably shouldn’t have done this but I didn’t feel like I had a choice. I didn’t own a cellphone back in high school. I ended up picking her up over my shoulder and putting her into my car and drove her to the emergency room. Good thing we lived in a small town so it didn’t take me long to get her there and get her help. I was able to answer the questions and stayed until they said there’s nothing more to do at this time. I can’t really remember about the aftermath just that moment of when it happened and then the response of the majority of the people who were present in this situation. I happened to bring that up to her and she said that’s the first one she had and that’s when she found out she was epileptic. It feels good to be taking this course and getting the certificate. I know I don’t need this to be able to respond but now that I’m a bit mature I feel I can make better decisions if I happen to run into an emergency situation again. I also learned more about children and infants and other allergic or poison related emergencies as well. I’ll be finishing up the certificate on the Saturday between my shifts. It should take me two and a half hours to get to the appointment by public transportation. Oh… yeah that brings up the location that I’m staying at right now. It’s a suburb and there’s quite a bit of city around, but we’re kind of secluded from it as well. The complex we’re in there’s corn fields around it and there’s a Tech University being built across the way. I’ll have to walk about 20 minutes to get to the bus stop, but to me it’s worth it because I prefer to be a bit away from the city hehe. This condominium complex has a lot of children running around and dogs and cats… it just seems like a very relaxed and family oriented location which I enjoy. This is the first time that I’m really living with a child and it’s been interesting so far. She’s a sweet heart but she’s full of energy. She reminds me of my nephew who’s about six months older than her. I’m really looking forward how this all falls into place. I like that I’m going to be doing one extreme to another in a way. So I’ll be able to get a break from one thing to another and I usually prefer the diversity of attention.

My physical at CVS went well. I haven’t been to a family doctor since I was in high school… actually it was closer to middle school. So I didn’t have any records of my history. I told the nurse practitioner that I went to public school so I had to have the vaccinations but I’m uncertain how I would prove it. She told me to get a hold of my school. They should have these records, and I reached out and got the proof of vaccinations. There was also a part where they wanted me to have a current tetanus and TB, but I admitted that I’m uncertain if this is a requirement for work. I’m already pushing my budget on this move… is it ok if I decline at this time until I see if it’s a requirement. I wouldn’t be able to do the TB anyway because I wouldn’t be able to return to get the test results because I’ll be in Utah. She was reluctant but agreed and good thing because when I submitted the physical exam results to my employer they said everything looks good. So I did happen to see that my BMI was like 24.3 and I saw the range of healthy range is 24.9 and 25 would be considered obese. This makes me laugh because I feel this has always been the case for me even though I feel I’m far from obese but in this test I’m right on the verge. Well I can definitely see this position will most likely get me into the best shape I’ve ever been. I’m looking forward to getting fit. I know it’s going to be a challenge to change my habits but I also know that I can do it. And it’s in my life and I have every opportunity to be ready to make these changes. I’m looking forward to the struggle because change is on the other side of this struggle.

If people are wondering about the money portion of my move… I can go ahead and update where I am right now. So when it comes to my bank account I’m at $172, and my cash right now is $180… so $350. Which isn’t so bad right now actually. So I’m trying to figure out how much to pay for carpooling. I need to find the address of the base camp we are meeting at… where is that? There’s so many communications from different people and either email or text so… where is it? Ok found it in an email. So I’m 96 miles away. There’s only two of us carpooling together because the size of her car can hold us and our packs only. So I’ll need a ride there and back and I’ll be splitting the cost from that distance. Online it says the average car gets 25.4 miles a gallon so that would be about 3.75 gallons. The average price per gallon in Utah is $4.16. So… I should be giving around $15.60… So I’ll be giving $20… I’ll have $40 just in case but it shouldn’t be more than $30 even for a truck. So I’ll need to pay this for two times before my next check so I’ll keep $60 in cash to pay towards carpooling to work. I’ll need to go to that in class course for Firsst Aid/CPR. I’ll be taking the day pass for $5 but also I think there’s an express train I’ll be taking which isn’t a part of the day pass. Let’s see what the cost of it will be. Round trip would be $5. I saw there was a vanpooling. I went ahead and sent them an email asking if going to our location of work is too far for vanpooling because there could be a potential of 7 people per ride going down and coming back. I’m not sure it’s really an option but there is a need for this especially in our training group where most of us are needing rides. I was lucky to jump on the first opportunity and she lives on the south end of Provo and I’m even farther south so I’d be on the way out towards work. I saw there was a Utah carpooling FB group but they unfortunately haven’t responded to my inquiry into joining the group. I’ve even tried to plant seeds into the trainees minds that in a month or two we could even pitch in to buy a van as our commuter to share to go to work. We’ll figure it out one way or another. Just trying to search and ask as much as I can to see if any opportunity pops up.

So back to expenses. I’ll be paying say $60 in gas and $10 in public transit… $70 from the $350 I have leaves me with $280 and really all I need would be groceries for a week. So I should definitely be fine with this amount. So yeah I feel like I’m in good shape… hehe… I’m getting tired and so I”m going to crash for tonight, but I wanted to touch base with things. I’m not certain I’ll be writing tomorrow before training or not… but definitely when I return I want to make time to share my experience. Ok.. until next time.

withinUverse · October 22, 2023

Alright… so I”m sitting on Utah’s public bus 821. I’m heading to my in-class First Aid/ CPR to complete requirement for hire. I had to leave at 6:30 this morning so I can make my 10 am class. I’ll be getting there a bit early but the location I’m at doesn’t have many bus options and run about an hour apart… at least at this time. So I thought the bus was going to drive right by me… well in fact that is what happened… hehe… I was out in the road trying to get it to stop. It I guess did a keep around the block to start it’s shift. I tried to jog and follow it and was like, really? I’m going to have to bribe my roommate to take me to my class or at least my next transportation spot. I was heading back to the original bus stop and then I see the bus coming around the corner… so I ran waving my hands and she stopped. I apologized to her because this is my first attempt for Utah’s public transportation. I didn’t realized she was going to be taking a loop around the block.. hehe.. anyway… I have time so I thought this would be a great time to catch up on what’s been happening.

So I traveled to Utah with my pops. We did pretty good at switching off and on and getting rest. I found when we were resting if we went to the back with Elvis that he took the whole ride very well too. Hmmm… it seems like I might’ve written about this already. I’m going to go ahead and jump to the training. So I got a ride from one of the girls who were training with me. She picked me up and it was a 2 hour ride to work. We had a really good vibe off each other right away. She’s 46 and has six children. They all are college age and beyond. She’s got experience with adolescent’s in therapy. She was working at a boarding school which would be an option to go to after a wilderness program. She thought she was moving to Utah for another position but it ended up falling through and someone had referred her to take a look at this program. She actually didn’t end up finishing the training. After the first night she decided this wouldn’t be the time to proceed. She’s recovering from a back injury and sleeping on the ground and feeling claustrophobic in the sleeping bag… wasn’t going to work for her. She was really amazing though and I’d assume if she wanted to return… everyone would benefit from having her as part of the team. I’ve got her contact information and I’ve reached out already, but I want to reach out either tonight or tomorrow to actually get a deeper conversation. I’ve been trying to figure things out still so some things are priority. Once I get this course done, I’ll feel much better. I’m hoping to confirm my carpooling for either Monday or Tuesday will also get me to relax a bit more.

I’ve got to remember to check my phone to see where I am on the route. This bus doesn’t have the stops posted or the driver’s not saying the locations so I’m trying to make sure I get off at the correct location. I believe where I’m getting off is going to be possible the last stop of this run, maybe? There’s a Forerunner Train I believe it’s called which is one of the main commuter trains to take north towards Salt Lake City. I purchased a Day Pass, but the Forerunner is an additional charge. If I didn’t use the forerunner it would have added two additional hours to get to the location of the class. So yes paying another $5.50 is going to be worth it and also I wouldn’t have made it on time with the alternative route.

So… how do I want to start to discuss the training and the position? I guess I’ll say that there was a good part of me that knew that I wanted this job; however, I was feeling uncertain when I was in training. At least moments of uncertainty. I try to go in to situations without expectations, but some things creep in and I try to keep an open mind. I really was looking forward to conscious conversations. I assumed that the people who are drawn to this type of work would be people like myself. I figured they would be younger but we’d have stories to share and relate to. I was going in knowing that I’d have a few challenges I’d have to face right away. I knew physically when it comes to backpacking with gear and equipment for a few miles… I’d be on the struggle bus a bit. I also knew that I have no formal education in therapeutic practices, and even though I have experience… I’m not a technical person as in using lingo and language. We have intellectuals who are part of this staff which is wonderful, but also a bit challenging because I remember when I used to care about the language, influencers, etc of a subject that I assumed I knew a lot about it mostly because I read about it and knew the key words to say for people to think I knew what I was saying. Well… I’m not that way. The program uses some key words such as mindfulness, acceptance, and open-mindedness. I was curious to see how much development has been working in these areas in the staff to be able to embody and teach to the adolescents. I had the opportunity to meet a few of the partners who own this company and I’m still asking myself… who is actually tying to go deep into these concepts? I met two therapist and one is getting a certificate in yoga… and maybe he’s one to try to discus more in depth of what yoga actually leads to. What does the practice of yoga lead to? And I’m sure most have a Western view but does he have the Eastern view? If so… are they prepared for clients and/or staff who dive deep into the techniques of mindfulness, acceptance, and open-mindfulness? They say they are interested in ideas of trying to make this program the best it can… and change is the promotion they are wanting from the clients and the staff… so I feel change could be entertained for the program as well. I cannot help myself but of course I’d like to present a creative healing section to this program. Oooh… I”m about to my next stop to transfer. I’ll get back on here in a bit.

Ok.. that was easy enough… I’m on the FRONTRunner I guess is what’s it called… hehe… I was close. And also the fee was $3 because I have purchased the Day Pass with it. So… ok.. I’ll be on here approximately an hour… I think a little less. Public transportation is a little different from location to location and country to country, but I thought it was interesting that there’s a knocking mechanism to enter onto the train. And yes this has the names of the stations posted. I’m going to Murray Central so I’ll keep an eye out for South Jordan which is the station before it. I saw a gentleman who looked like he might be a staff and confirmed this was the train heading north… even though I pointed in the wrong direction… hehe.. I told him I haven’t gotten my bearings yet.. hehe but he asked where I was going and he said this would be the correct train and I’ll have about ten minutes before it departs. So… I’ll continue on my accounts of the training session.

I didn’t know how I was going to discuss and I guess I’m not going to be going in chronological order. I mentioned that I would love to possibly propose a creative healing to this program. I think I want to explore this more… why do I want to propose this as part of the program? Well… I knew this was not going to be exactly my forte of therapy and I’m not familiar with clinical approaches and so I’m open to see what they are working with already. There’s a lot of confidentiality agreements I had to sign and so I’m going to be cautious as to how I discuss my thoughts on what I’ve understood the program to be thus far. So the clients we are working with are adolescent or adults who don’t have an off switch. So many of us can maybe relate in engaging or have engaged in activities where it could be said are not socially acceptable. Example could be using or trying substances say marijuana or alcohol. Many may participate but there is a part of us that regulates the usage and has moments where we can stop ourselves so we can continue our lives in a manner that helps us still live lives which is social accepted. I’ve been told these clients don’t have this regulation developed yet… they go balls to the wall and are unaware of the consequences of living in a manner where there’s no self regulations. Because of this the clients involved in the program is introduced to our program and our number one concern is their safety. They don’t prioritize their own safety which in turn tends to lead them not being concerned with the safety of the community involved in their lives. So in my opinion the program has a lot of masculine love set in play. Majority of the clients and staff are in fact born and identify as males. If people who haven’t read any of my journaling yet… I tend to be more comfortable around males but I did find my femininity wanting to be expressed in this environment. I heard for safety reasons… toughing isn’t allowed. My gut reaction is… wow… how can these clients go into this type of situation for 10 to 14 weeks and not have the opportunity to engage in physical contact as a healing modality? I realize that there could be concerns about fighting or even sexual inappropriateness they are trying to avoid, but to have an absoluteness to this rule seems like it could steer towards unhealthiness. I know when I mention this most people swing their thoughts all the way to assume that I just want to be coddling and hugging these clients all the time, but that is not my intention. I observed the trainees and even the owners had moments where they physically touched the people they were engaged with. Now to be honest I’m not sure if I’m looking at this rule as black and white as well… so I’m open to the idea that I’m not looking at this rule as grey as it might possibly be… but during training this black and white approach is more of what the program likes to stick to. So in the training session there were five of us who made it through the training and our trainers were giving us pendants of accomplishment. I’ll go ahead and mention that I received the “Empathy” pendant which has the symbol of two salamanders. They did a really great job of creating a ceremony to give me this pendent. They knew I was making a picture journal of the experience and so they had us sit in a circle and draw our emotions. I thought wow.. this is pretty cool… I didn’t expect them to do this. So I was drawing my emotions of having a vision in the distance which is my focus… but I was at the opposite end of the page looking towards this vision with some chaotic feelings of uncertainty of how to accomplish the goal… I was questioning if this program would help gain clarity in my journey towards my goal. When they gave us ample time to draw they ended up saying that I was the only one who was drawing my emotions. Everyone else was drawing moments they witnessed or shared with me during the training where I showed my tendency towards empathy. It was really amazing and I was touched by the images I was given. One of the trainers actually recalled a moment where we were engaging in a moment of connection and it stood out to her when I touched her shoulder that she really could see how much I care about people and want to show that I want to share in the emotions being expressed in that moment. Yes… I remember this moment, and I also remember questioning myself if this would be appropriate to actually reach out and place my hand on her shoulder. I found myself questioning many of my actions and conversations because I felt there were so many rules that I didn’t know how to appropriately engage with everyone. But it was interesting that it was the moment of touch that was impactful. When I noticed the owners and therapist who came to talk with us out in the field… they obviously know each other and has established rapport and a relationships with each other and they too found themselves touching each other even if it was in a joking manner. It’s just something that’s natural to our nature. We all know that touching is inherent to the healthiness of conscious beings to develop. I feel if we’re going to be wanting to guide these minds to healthy relationships the idea or rules of touch can be looked at. Again… I know when I brought this up they jumped to the fact that I want to touch all the time but again this isn’t the case.

So there were cases where touch seemed to be allowed and not really questioned. There’s a hacky sack game called Dawgs. We played this with our training group, but also when we went to visit an adolescent group, we played again. The majority of the time we were not touching, but there were moments where the competitive nature in some had us touching the people who happened to be in our vicinity. No one seemed to mind and really in this moment of play really got me to feel a bit on the normal side of interacting with everyone. I know I was out of my comfort zone and I felt a little bit uptight because I had a belief that rules and structure is uptight… hehe. Also we found ourselves giving hugs to the trainee who left early… I didn’t hesitate because I was gaining rapport with her in the hours of driving and the day she shared with us. I did feel that some might have felt as if they were uncomfortable giving hugs away so casually… and I thought this would be common, but for me… I felt comfortable. In reality there was one person out of the group that I didn’t really feel we built rapport well enough to share hugs together. But for most of the group… I did to an extent where giving a hug didn’t feel awkward. Again though… there was a moment when we were visiting the adolescents in their camp and I found myself wanting to give a high five to one of them but also being aware whether this is an acceptable move. Out in the wilderness staff and clients are busting. We’re trying to make fires by bow-drilling. One of them has been struggling a bit to get one on his own and he actually did it. And I was excited for him… I didn’t get one on my own yet either.. and I automatically wanted to give him a high five. That little gesture of connection felt important even though we may think it’s such an insignificant gesture. In the wilderness every little detail seems significant.

Ok… we’re leaving the South Jordan station. I want to double check where I have to walk to get to my next bus… so I’ll take a break to organize myself. I’m going to be getting fairly close to my destination… so I might be taking a longer break to take my class… was hoping to look for some gear and meet for the witch fest too… so I’ll be back later.

Alright… I’m heading to the Goodwill Outlet in SLC. I just finished my in class training and received my card online. The instructor said usually his classes are only two to three people and we had seven which filled up the room. Our 30 minute class took an hour. But I’m glad I was in it because they had medical staff there and so we went ahead and did infant training as a bonus. I took the online class in the info at training as well just because. So… the other trainee who is supposed to be starting on Tuesday with me wasn’t there. I’m almost positive that this was going to be the only in-person class available before we start on Tuesday… but hopefully he’s found an alternative option. I was trying to help him out by sending him information to get signed up, but I got the feeling I was the odd ball of the group so they were being nice but not necessarily wanting my opinion on things. So we’ll see… so I was going to be all this way up in Salt Lake I thought I’d check out their outlet. I score on some good items when I’m in Indy so I wanted to see what’s offered here. I”m assuming its setup in a similar fashion. Since it’s Utah I thought there might be more outdoorsy gear and apparel possibly.. so I’ll see if I can find some hiking pants maybe a puff jacket and looking for a -20 degree sleeping bag or quilt. If there are bonuses such as sleeping pads and such that would be great as well. I’m also looking for a full size bed sheets. I’m borrowing a set from my roommate and normally this is easy to find at an outlet… and also some hangers for my clothes in the closet. So I’ll browse around a little there and then I’ll take the public transit to meet with my roommate’s family at the festival in West Jordan. She was wanting to pick me up from SLC, but I didn’t want to feel rushed and said I’d just meet her when I finish up. She planned on staying a while at the witch fest so I should be able to meet them there and enjoy in some of the festivities. Let’s get back to the training a little more.

So we were talking about the touch aspect of the program. I believe I heard that at times they do allow the adolescents hug when someone leaves. When it comes to them crying however, this is where it’s going to be a case by case situation. This program is for the clients to feel through their emotions and learn how to cope with how they feel in a manner that doesn’t endanger themselves or others. So the struggle… the struggle is not masked by say substances or angry outbursts or running way… it’s facing them and hopefully allowing the opportunity to express the emotions that are being felt. Trying to separate our beliefs to the objective situation being felt upon. We’re trying to get them to not assume that the objective situation doesn’t automatically assume the emotion they are feeling. It’s their belief systems which is involved that ignites or triggers their emotions. People can be experiencing the same objective situation with different emotional responses because there are different beliefs systems at play. This program wants to empower the clients and again not want to save them. I understand that I”ve been working my way to realizing this in my own experiences with people in my life. We who want to help has to realize that the ones we’re helping will ultimately have to help themselves. And knowing that they can do it is crucial for someone to not be dependent on others… start to gain autonomy… hopefully in a more conscious manner. So I realize this… but…. If there is a situation where the healthiest choice is to give someone a hug or a touch on the shoulder is there… shouldn’t that be ok? We are not allowed to be alone with the adolescents. There has to be at least two staff members with a single client. Again safety being the primary concern…. We don’t want any situation where something unhealthy or unfavorable to the clients or staff to be allowed to the best of our intention.

Ok… well I was typing and scooting along and I about missed my stop, but everything’s all good. I went to the outlet and I’ll have to admit I think Indy has better outlets but I still found some things I was looking for. I found two sets of sheets and some warm weather gear preparing for the winter. I found a puffy jacket which is smaller than the one I have so it’ll pack easier and I can use it before I really need to bundle up. Got two bags for $13 so not bad in my book. Where was I? I have about an hour before I depart to my destination Gardner Village. My roommate, her daughter, sister, and mother are already there and I’ll find them once I get there. That also reminds me to admit having phone service has been making things easier. Not that it’s impossible without it, but it has been making things easier and that’s what I’m looking for. I did end up talking to my neighbor originally from Indiana. Have a said anything about him? Well I met him the first evening we arrived and he lives across the hall from us with his family. He’s literally from the same county as I am in Indiana and he actually knows the family I’m close with who are Mormons and are half Tongan… that helps when in Indiana… there aren’t too many Polynesians and so it was pretty crazy he knows them. He hasn’t lived in Indiana for awhile but he’s a car mechanic. When my dad and I arrived to Utah… one of our break pads on the driver side back fell off and was obstructing the tire movement. My dad and I were joking saying that that’s exactly who we’d be needing tomorrow. We told him and then he took a look at it. It took a few days but he ended up hooking my pops up on repairs and parts. I ended up leaving the apartment before my dad did because of the brakes situation but he made it back safely and I’m hoping to call my pops tomorrow to catch him up on things. But the Indiana mechanic I’ve been speaking with to see if he knows anyone who might be selling a cheap vehicle. He happens to have a buyers license and has a partner who goes to the auction to scout out cars to fix and sell. He told me this after he mentioned a buddy who has a car dealership. I told him I’m really just looking for something around $3500 and make some payments. He said let’s check out the auctions. I told him I’ll be saving some money through November but whomever I’m dealing with… if they’re flexible I can make payment arrangements with them. It’s not looking so easy to be able to carpool… we’ll see… I’ll still be doing it for the next month and I’m hoping it’ll all work out. The other trainee who I was talking about with the first aid class… he too is looking for a ride to work so maybe we can go in on a work vehicle maybe? I haven’t asked him… like I said I was bit of the odd ball of the group. A few times felt like the outcast but generally I’m ok with this even though it doesn’t happen often. Let’s just say I don’t know anything about pop culture or celebrities… so it’s not easy to strike up a casual conversation if that’s the go to way to chat it up with someone. Geesh… I feel the bus goes faster than expected… I’m already half way to my stop. I think I’m going to go ahead and take another break and wait until I get back to the house to continue. I’d like to checkout the scenery.

ok… I just copied and pasted my notes while I rode the public transit today. It’s getting late so I’m going to head to bed, but I wanted to post before I did. Until next time

withinUverse · October 22, 2023

Alright… so I’m going to have a bit of time this morning. My roommate and her daughter is going to be going to church and I’ll have some time to have some privacy for a little while. I’d been living with my pops for a year but we really enjoy our privacy so there’s a lot of space to think and enjoy… now that I’m sharing a space with a six year old… it’s a little different… hehe… she’s so adorable and sweet but at this age they want all the attention on them. I’m trying to get to know her better but also trying to figure out how I can let her know that she can do things she enjoys which mostly is watching her videos on her phone. She sits there and sings and dances and repeats all the words from the shows she watches. She would love for me to sit there and do the same thing, but I tell her that I’ll check out a few of them to get to know what she likes but I don’t want to watch everything with her. I’d like to have time to do things I want to do as well. My roommate is interesting… I’m not sure how to describe it right now… she has a lot of boss energy I feel. She likes to dominate the conversations and there’s hardly any moments where we just sit with each other. The space has to be filled with conversation. Any time I try to talk about any subject… there’s always an opinion about it and usually a suggestion on how to look at it her way and things I could do better or if I’m talking about someone else… what they could be doing better. I know I’m needing more time to get used to this type of exchange, but it can get a bit draining. Lol… I thought the draining of energy would be from working in the wilderness and working on therapy, but maybe I have this backwards… hehe… maybe I’ll be getting a bit more drained from my days off and I’ll need the wilderness to help rejuvenate my energies. Of course I’m working on how to not get so drained wherever I am… and I’m watching my responses so I know I’m getting triggered in a few situations, but not to the point of explosion or anything… but is that where I’m going towards if I don’t address it early? We’ll see how it plays out. For now I’m really enjoying my time here with them. But something in the back of my mind is also being a bit hesitant whether this situation is going to be the best scenario for me and my little buddy. I know my little buddy really enjoys the space and the attention when I’m away. When I’m here…hehe.. I’m wishing I don’t have as much attention that I’m getting and wanting to find some privacy… hehe… but I am going to be keeping an eye out for possible alternatives that might align a bit better. But I also want to allow time to actually see how our relationships develop and we just started so it’s going to take time to adjust and compromise with one another.

Oh wait… I need to do a load of laundry… I got some things at the goodwill outlet that I wanted to wash. I found a ride to work and we’ll be leaving midday tomorrow so I’m not going to have much time.

interesting… so I ended up loading my keyboard into the laundry…lol… I’m assuming I was distracted talking with the daughter that I didn’t realize I wrapped it in the bedding. I heard it in the dryer and was like what in the world is that sound? Well… my keyboard was rolling around and I tried to use it and it wasn’t working properly… so I might be looking for another option to use a keyboard. I started looking at my finances right now. I have $77 in my bank and I have $55 in cash… this is tempting I can get it delivered by tomorrow for $50 but I don’t think I need this right away. So I’ll wait until I get my check and see what I’m working with. I might want more time to check my options anyway. It’s not going to be that bad to use the screen at this time. I want to take my iPad out in the field but I cannot allow the clients to see me using it… so it’s going to be a bit tricky but I’d love to be able to log my thoughts down within the morning or at night during sleep time. I’d love to take photos of the desert as well… I’m trying to draw but it’s not doing it any justice which the photos won’t either… but definitely better than my five minute sketches… hehe.

well darn it… I was hoping to write a bit but honestly it’s going to take longer than expected and I still have to figure out my packing and studying so… I’m going to post my little video of the picture journal I started during training. I’ve been looking forward to trying to track my adventures in the wilderness through drawing sketches. Haven’t done this style of journaling before and it’s promising. If I was just out by myself I could really get more into it but since it’s my job… my attention is focused elsewhere. Let’s see if I can get the video to post. Ok… until next time

,

out_2023-10-22-12-38-38_1.mp4

withinUverse · October 23, 2023

So I want to write a little more today… I won’t really have the time to write as much and there’s just going to be more to journal about so I’ll just go ahead and do what I can now. So… the first thing that keeps coming up in my head is my desire to want to go all in. This is usually my tendency but I’m trying to reign myself in. I have to continue to remind myself that this is not my company… as much as I want to see if there are opportunities to make something that is working well… to work even better… hehe. I guess I cannot help myself. First of all there is a lot that I really love about this program and I know there’s a lot that’s already going to help me learn in areas I’d like to build. I’d like to be more assertive and concise. A lot of this program is to feel our feelings and learn how to express them. The ones listening aren’t trying to fix the emotions we’re feeling but they are confirming that they hear what we’re thinking and feeling… and it’s up to us to work out what these feelings are doing for us. I love this concept and I also know I have the tendency to try to fix it though too. If we have a suggestion we have to approach it in a manner to ask questions to steer the thought as a potential idea that was created by the person expressing. Does that make sense? Especially with one’s who have limited life experience.

hehe… it’s a bit funny because I’m thinking that I write in this journal more than I actually write… I seem to want to write in here more than I have been. I feel this position will encourage me to express a bit more. Well we’ll see if that will be the case.

There seems to be an idea that comes to mind and I don’t really know if it’s the case or not. I don’t know why I feel like I’m out of place with the coworkers. Not all of the time with everyone… but for some reason I feel like I might not be allowing these people to get to know me. There’s things in play where I feel I should be treading lightly. I know we are not supposed to disclose personal information to the clients, but does that have to apply to the staff? I’ve already met two coworkers in passing who are connected to shamans. One I was having a conversation and he mentioned he does sweat lodges. Of course my ears perk up and I start asking whether it’s open for the public but it’s by invitation only. He gave me the contact information to the shaman he works with who would be the one to make those decisions. I wrote to the shaman today just saying hello and I’m interested in the sweat lodges but I found myself mentioning I’m a shaman in training who works with the Shipibo in the Ucayali region of the Amazonas. I said I moved here for work and so I’ll be focusing on that and that I’ll be working my way to getting a vehicle so I’ll be more available and free to meet, greet, and potentially attend these gatherings. Another coworker who is from Indiana originally and has ties to Colorado as well has a history working with Mayan shamans. I didn’t get the chance to clarify whether she’s been in the Central American region to participate in ceremonies. I know she has found a shaman in Colorado who does have this experience and she said she’d love to share her contact information. She admitted that when she was working in this style of spirituality she found it hard to balance the spiritual practices with the living daily life of an North American resident too. I told her I knew how she felt. She is currently in the field and so I wrote her saying I hope she finds rest after her shift and I’d like to learn more about her experiences and appreciate her sharing her contact’s information. I continue to find myself looking for connections and opening myself to learn new modalities in a variety of spiritual practices. I’ve been interested in what a Mayan shaman would be like. I’m curious what their style of approach to spirituality work looks like. I’m just afraid I’m not really ready to reach out to them because I’m giving a commitment to this position. For some reason I feel like I’m not fully committed yet… I’ve got some skepticism and reservations… is there a reason why? I want to take my time and feel things out, but darn it… I’m also ready to find situations where I really connect as well… so I feel like I’m open to change things up.. hehe. We’ll see how it goes. There seems to be some interesting people involved in this position.

I mentioned that there was a few hours in training when some of the owners and therapists came to visit us. So there were three of them. Two were therapist and one was part owner. He has been studying and researching wilderness therapy for twenty years now. The other therapist is the one who is getting his certifications in yoga training… which doesn’t really explain what he works on and what he understands. The third is another owner. He seemed to be the one I was first curious about… in a good way. Not that I’m not interested in picking the minds of the therapists as well.. there just seems to be something about him. There was a curious first encounter when we shook hands and introduced ourselves he seemed to be observing me in a way that made him curious and hesitate to look at me when I said my name… he kind of gave me a look that he might recognize me? Or I thought that maybe they were forwarded the communications the recruiters and trainees were having and maybe he was placing my face and name to the words I had expressed. Of course I have no clue just thoughts that came through. When they were speaking with us. This guy seemed to have a presence as the lead. And I did enjoy the way he carried his conversation, and I noticed there was a bit of a tendency to be more on the masculine side… not exactly toxic that’s not how I’d describe it but… maybe a bit macho, maybe? Again nothing overtly disturbing but in a subtle way it was present. It wasn’t his confidence even though that was obvious but something I cannot put a word to describe it. I’m hoping my vocabulary will develop more in the different emotions I feel. They seem to imply that they are looking for ideas to improve this program, but why do I feel like if anyone presents new ideas that they’re going to want it presented in a manner which will be fact based and I guess in a masculine manner… hehe. There are several part owners and I wonder if I’ll get the chance to meet and speak with them. Hmmm… is there an essence of arrogance in the staff? Is that what I’m getting a whiff of? There does seem to be this essence in the staff that I’ve met. Again not all of them but a fair amount I’d have to admit. Granted I haven’t given any ample time to really get to know anyone in this company… and I’m not necessarily saying this is a bad thing… but I just seem to be getting vibes and I’m trying to figure out what this means to me.

I cannot not notice people’s behavior… it’s noticeable… and again the program emphasizing mindfulness, acceptance, and open-mindedness… I’m looking to see how the staff embodies these qualities. I shouldn’t be looking at how the staff embodies these… my focus will be on the way I embody these qualities. I’m bringing myself with me and I understand that I’m going to be setting myself up to really evaluate myself. I’m really looking forward to this.

There were a few situations where I found myself laughing at my behavior and response. Again I was struggling to go all in on this program and questioning if the benefits are going to outweigh the challenges. There were the pendants that were being awarded to the attendees. There was only two of us left. I knew that the “empathy” (salamanders) and the “self-control” (shaman) were the two pendants left to give. Originally I thought that it would be cool if they gave me the shaman pendant, but as I thought about it… I figured out of the two of us remaining, I could see they would give me the empathy one instead. I was correct in this line of thought. Many times in my journey it’s easy to see that only people who are on the shamanic path consciously will see who I am and what work I’ve done. People who don’t understand what the word shaman may mean will not be conscious of who a shaman may be like or look like. Even when I read their definition of shaman they were focusing on the thin line of a shaman who will use their power to help heal or help harm; hence the “self-control” association. I haven’t gotten permission from the trainee who got awarded the shaman pendant but I think I can say a little bit because he’s very vocal about his spiritual beliefs. There was a tendency for him to mention it quite often and he was actively working on reigning himself in… in fact I’m curious even more to get to know him.

There was a training practice where we were to teach a tool to the training group. The comments I received was how they liked how personal I was with the teaching. I was teaching yogic breath… the shaman trainee I mentioned that in fact he has practiced yoga before because we were working intentionally with our breath from another trainee the day before. Pranayama is a facet of yoga and not just the asanas or body movement or postures which could be linked with our breath. The trainee who taught breath was teaching diaphragm breathing for full breath… his background was in music playing the tuba. I was explaining how amazing it is to get deep exhalations starting with the stomach region but we can also expand the ribs I feel in my back to continue a fuller breath and finish with a little swirling air in our throats. Also trying to get the process even slower than expected. There was a trainee and an instructor who admitted about their anxious nature and suggested to try yogic breath in these moments to relax back into the moment where the anxious thoughts don’t have to be present. Same was implied to the trainee who was having issues with falling asleep. She also was having issues in her bowls but I addressed this to the other instructor who was having obvious issues with his bowl movement and so I demonstrated squatting down puts are body into an instinctual position for the body to be in a position to go number two. While in this position we can practice yogic breath will help massage our internal organs to help promote effective functioning to assist in healthy bowls. So in a short period of time I was trying to demonstrate that my teachings are intentional and personal to help us heal ourselves… it’s subtle and it wasn’t obvious to the instructors that they have a shaman on board who is trying to find a way to connect and help in a subtle manner… hehe… this brings up a conversation with the instructor who was my lead who brought up the constructive suggestion to work on being concise. I appreciated this observation which I felt this position will assist me to develop intentionally and applicable training. He brought up the way I spoke with the group. He wondered why I spoke to everyone individually? Was it because I didn’t know how to be concise with my conversation? I said I wanted to start connecting with the people I’ll be meeting in the training. I could’ve ignored the fact that we’re all reading the conversation without acknowledging anyone. I wanted to acknowledge everyone and start to relate and build rapport and find opportunities to express my curiosities for this position as well. It’s all very interesting, but… I’m getting tired and I’m going to leave it at that for now. Until next time…

,

withinUverse · October 23, 2023

good morning… got some good sleep and feel good to head out today. I wanted to continue a little more about the breath work… I used a form of yogic breath while I was hiking. I know I’m not in the shape I’d like to be physically and I don’t have much experience hiking with gear and equipment. So when we were hiking especially up hills I would start focusing on my breath… this would help me not focus on the struggle I could be feeling of carrying my weight and my bags weight up climbs. I also just trying to keep up. I had people mention they didn’t realize I was struggling while we were hiking and I was keeping up with everyone, but the reason they didn’t realize this because the struggle wasn’t as present when I was focusing on my breath. There were a few times where we were in the canyons… granted we had only day packs on but in these exciting environments I didn’t have to do any breath work because I was more interested in exploring and embracing the moment. I wanted to mention that the hiking boots I had purchased was from a second hand store; however, they seemed pretty new and not as broken in as desired. I knew this going in. It wasn’t surprised when I started to get blisters on my feet. Mainly on both feet they were forming under my big toes and slightly on the outside of the feet. My left foot also had a blister forming on the pad. We would do medical checks and when people noticed these blisters they were concerned and asked if these were hurting. They were not and even though they were growing I was confident they would be ok. And they were… now that I’ve had a few days off during my break the liquid has disappeared and nothing popped. They’re back to normal and I’ll see how they do this week.

I wanted to address the smoking situation as well. It was surprising that I didn’t have any issues. While I was in the wilderness I was so focused in being in the moment that I didn’t have a desire to smoke. Once in awhile I’d check in with myself to see if there was any desire to smoke, and no the desire did not exist out there. Now when we returned back to base and I’ve had days off… I do find that I still smoke at times. I’m glad at my relationship right now. It’s good to know I won’t be struggling without it and I feel eventually on my days off I’ll find I don’t continue to have that desire, but however long that takes I’m ok with that. Again my goal is to be more conscious with my relationship with tobacco. There was a trainee who brought up the desire to smoke and I happened to mention how I want to diet tobacco and it has helped me in different situations in ceremony. She admitted that tobacco has helped her as well. So… yeah wanted to address that.

There was a situation where it was a bit odd… I found myself telling a fib… hehe… we were playing a game of Dogs and there was a time I was running from the hacky sack being thrown at me. I thought it went through my legs and didn’t make contact, but everyone said that they heard it… and so I said ok… I’ll go into voltereta mode. Then the instructor said that it’s up to me whether I feel it hit me of not. I said well… I didn’t really feel like it hit me so I’ll continue to play. And I feel that some of the trainees thought I was lieing. And for some reason I was ok with the fact they thought I was… it did get me to question whether I was as well.. but it didn’t really bother me regardless if I am or not… lol… it wasn’t a big deal but I overheard a few comments after that interaction that implied they were uncomfortable for me to continue playing. The next day we were all playing again and this is when I started to actually play… lol… they were like holy shit where did this come from. They’re like she’s a sleeper she’s been playing us the whole time… I chuckled and said that I enjoy having people take me for granted… I said it under my breath but it true. And I’m not a hacky sack player but when I get some time and repetition I pick it up and it’s not just hacky it’s throwing and catching as well… which I have a lot of muscle memory with… hehe. We had the last play before we were heading back to camp and the last play I ended up faking everyone out and got the instructor who’s really good. He was laughing because he said he was so shocked that I faked the throw that he didn’t expect me to throw it at him… we all were chuckling. I’m hoping there are other games to learn and play while we are out there.

I’ve sent emails to different staff such as HR, manager, and events coordinator… I was trying to see if I could just email pdf for all the certificates and pics of my identification instead of bringing hard copies. I’ll be leaving here soon so I guess I’ll just bring them with me. The manager I was wondering if I could just join the group with the carpooling gentleman who is taking and hopefully bringing me back so it would be easier to coordinate transportation. There’s supposed to be an app to use to update hours worked which I haven’t gotten the link or name. I’m hoping to include four days of work to be included with this first check even though im out in the field. I’ve heard there are staff who keep their phones on them, so I’m thinking I’ll be doing the same thing for submitting days worked. I probably won’t need to after this, but this first check will be helpful to get as much as I can since I’m down to a very small amount. Help establish a base to work with. And the events coordinator I saw there’s a free family climb day coming up on the 11th of November. I was wondering if I could bring my roommate and her daughter since I don’t have I’m educate family here in Utah and I’m trying to build a family connection with them. I’m scheduled to work that day but I also wanted to see if we could arrange a few hours away to join or at least allow me to invite my roommate and daughter to give as a gift for helping me with my buddy, Elvis. I like to see how the company will respond to different requests. There’s an organized chaos that seems to be going on at base… I’m trying to get my bearings. It actually won’t be bad to have a half day there today to see what I can figure out. I’m thinking I can do quite a bit of studying while I’m there as well… we’ll see. Ok.. the daughter is trying to get my attention and I’ll give her some before I head out. Until next time…

,

Edited October 23, 2023 by withinUverse
Forgot something I wanted to mention

withinUverse · November 4, 2023

Alright good morning. So I had another week out in the wilderness with the therapy position. It was my first week as an apprentice so I was with a group the entire time to get a feel of what the position is about. It started out with five field mentors, but one of the mentors got sick so he went home and there were four of us left. There were four of us for half the time. When it was four there were three ladies and one gentleman. It was the gentleman’s first week as a primary lead mentor. He’s knowledgeable and seems good at this position but there were areas of concern when it came to building a team. I definitely didn’t feel like I was part of the team for half the time. I know I’m an unusual character though as well. I assumed that I’ll be observing mostly what the structure of how things worked and it was a lot for me to digest. I was definitely the weakest link when it came to the physical hiking aspect. I am not used to carrying 50-60 lbs on my back and hiking around 2 miles. I had been wanting assistance on how to pack the backpack so it doesn’t hurt so much. I tried to ask during the training and I got assistance on how to put the waist band high on my waist to help carry most of the weight but not any help on how to organize the bag and how to pack it. I tried to ask one of the girls and she verbally was telling me that keeping the heaviest part of the bag to be in the middle. So I thought maybe that could work, but it was still hurting my back. I asked the lead gentleman and he tried to do a verbal explanation as well. Well one of the hikes I had to stop because there was just too much pain in between my shoulder blades and I said something has to be adjusted because this just doesn’t seem to be the proper way to carry this load. Finally the lead gentleman said ok… let’s take everything out of the bag and let’s start from the beginning with all the different gear and equipment you have. I thought to myself finally someone’s going to really take the time to help me out. He and the other girl that I asked said that the way I packed it didn’t seem like it would be comfortable but they assumed that I wanted it that way… i chuckled and said that I’m not experienced in hiking like this and carrying so much gear with me… I asked for help but there wasn’t much desire to help me but now it’s getting so painful that something has to be addressed. So I had placed things in organizational bags to keep things together. He suggested to take them out of the organizational bags because we’ve got to pack into the gaps on the bag. There are pockets of space that can be filled easier if they’re not in a block and just loose. So I had to call my backup sleeping bag because there was frost forming on the sleeping bags and I brought another one just in case and I’m glad I did. So that’s where he started I stuffed both sleeping bags at the bottom of my backpack. It filled up half of the bag. Then I started stuffing my extra clothes and socks into the gaps around the sleeping bags. I already had the tarps on the sides of my pack and I still had a sleeping pad which he suggested to put it higher on my bag instead of placing it on the bottom. He said to try to stay away from the bottom of the bag even though there are loops to place things there. So I had equipment for making fire from found objects and I had placed that next into the pack and also higiene stuff. There was enough room to place the food bag at the top. I mentioned that the food bag seems to be the heaviest should I place it closer to the center and he said for convenience place it on the top for easy access. So that’s all I could fit in my back pack it’s around 70 liters. On the outside I mentioned I strapped the tarps on the sides and placing the bed pad and then we had camping chairs where I could place pieces of wood and water inside to strap also on the outside. He started with the waist strap again high above the bellybutton…. He then loosened up all the other straps and went to the straps that went from the shoulder to the waist and said this helps keep your load on the back closer to your back and so tighten them as much as possible. Now there’s a little strap that goes across the chest. We want to strap this but not too tightly… breathe in really deep and fill our chest with as much breath as we can and then strap with this full capacity so as we’re hiking there’s room for deep breaths and not restrained. The final straps to tighten would be up above the shoulders. If I wanted to walk straight and have the load kind of pull your body backwards then don’t tighten it, but to make it a bit more comfortable and easier to hike with this much weight he said pull the top of the load onto your shoulders where we end up leaning a bit forward instead of straight up and down. At the end I had to strap the first aid kit up and around the brain of the backpack. Whew! It felt a lot better to adjust my pack… but again I wasn’t used to the pace of the hike or the strategy behind them either… hehe.

So I’m used to being out in the wilderness to actually explore and enjoy myself in these environments. I’ve been hiking with some people who actually just want to finish the hike as soon as possible… that the hike is more of an exercise rather than for enjoyment. Usually it doesn’t bother me much because I’m carrying myself and minimal gear. And for this position… hiking is to get to the next place to sleep and not for enjoyment either. Let’s just state the obvious… I’m 41 and the two people who were the next closest in age were 23 years old. The youngest was 16 years old. After the first few hikes I was letting them know that they could’ve waited for me to start the hike together and there was a time where they were about to throw away a meal before I was served when I was taking an hour break. We were all supposed to get an hour break each day and the other two ladies always seemed to get that break but I didn’t and a few times I was told to just take a half hour instead of the full hour when again the ladies especially one would take longer than an hour for herself to help rejuvenate her energy. Anyway I told them that it was had to feel like I was part of the team. They were trying to teach the adolescents about unity but I couldn’t see them being able to display unity in the staff so how can they help with the group? I’m sure theoretically they knew what they should be doing, but for application purposes it wasn’t something they’ve embodied yet. So when it came to the last hike… there was a quite a bit of gap between me and the rest of the group. It did make me feel like what’s the hurry… and they ended up saying that I should’ve told them to slow down… hehe… I said well it didn’t scare me to have them so far ahead and also I could take a few breaks to enjoy the scenery as well. We were hiking close to this mountain called chimney rock and it was soooo cool to be so close to it and I really enjoyed being so close to it. When I told them about this they thought I was upset and not liking the hike but I told them that wasn’t the case. I enjoy hiking in the wilderness… and I was enjoying myself… the part that i didn’t like was the fact that the group wasn’t including me as part of the team. I thought well this is ok for me as an adult, but what would they do differently if I was an adolescent? Is this how they would be treating them? There was one of the guys who seemed to be a little bit segregated from the rest of the group and I was asking myself how are they trying to get the group to include him and also give the opportunities for him to want to be part of the group. Honestly with what I was dealing with there was a mental block that came up for me too… I’m like hell if they don’t give two shits about me why should I care anymore. But it was hard not to want to be involved with keeping up the safety and monitoring of the group. So I did my part but I definitely didn’t go out of my way to do more.

So what am I getting at… this is not the position I was hoping for. I’m already looking for alternative job opportunities. At the end of my shift… well actually during my shift I was telling myself to just finish out the week and hopefully I’ll be able to get paid for my training week. Which I’m uncertain if I’m going to get paid for it or not. Originally the recruiter said I’d be able to get paid on the 31st but when I spoke to the HR they said that I wouldn’t be getting paid that soon. I’ll be getting paid on the 7th. And they said that I’d get paid $500 for training after the first week of work but since I”m not going to continue in this position then I don’t think I’ll be getting paid for the training… and I’ve already let go of getting reimbursed with any of the physicals and training that I had to have completed before the first shift isn’t going to be reimbursed. But I still be able to get a thousand dollars for the first week of work which I can pay for October’s rent and enough extra to get groceries and travel expenses to get a job. Now after my shift there was a manager who wanted to talk to me about the first week. It isn’t an easy position and it felt very normal for people to not make it through the training or apprenticeship program so they were trying to see where my mental state was after the first week. Lol… I told them that I’m doubting whether I’m going to continue. I think that I’ll have to take a few days to relax and give more mindful thought over the program and whether it’s something I’d like to continue. Well… after a few days I’ve decided that I’m not going to continue. The most important thing that’s having me want to discontinue this position is the walls that are up with the adolescents. I literally have scars on my legs to help remind myself to what happens when I focus on trying to help people and not focus on my own health. I have learned that when people have walls up and don’t want help at first I thought I was patient and smart enough to find a way around the walls and it was just exhausting and didn’t resolve in anything beneficial for any party involved. This is what the program is designed around. These adolescents didn’t choose to join this program… they’re being forced to join this program. So it’s hard to get their walls to break down but that’s our job to help with this barrier, but honestly I don’t want to do that. The program seemed a bit more militant than what I feel comfortable with. These adolescents don’t have time for privacy or freedom. Wilderness is supposed to be more of a punishment instead of something to enjoy. So it’s not like boys scout, right… where they are curious about the wilderness and wanting to learn more of how to survive and thrive in this environment. These scouts are open to suggestions and learning.. while these adolescents are like I’m in hell and you who is part of this program are the devils keeping me from being happy. Lol.. I know I’m being dramatic but in all honesty this is not something I’d like to be involved with. I felt like they were prisoners and we were watching them 24/7 to make sure they don’t endanger themselves. Let’s move on from this… because I’m already looking at the next opportunities.

So… i was speaking to a buddy and I was laughing because last winter spending my time at my dad was something like the wilderness…. Not having heat or running water was tough and where I am it’s been sooo nice to have these conveniences. I’ve been taking advantage of the tub and taking baths… I love baths and it’s been so nice to be able to have them. There isn’t much water pressure so the bath is a natural choice. It isn’t as warm as I’d like but I’m not complaining because it’s so much better to have a warm bath than not having it an option at all. And yes it’s nice to have heat. I really enjoy being able to cook and clean up with conviene with running water. My roommate is really busy with her job and so she has dishes in the sink that she doesn’t have time to clean up for a few days. I’ve been enjoying taking this obligation away from her. I know I’m not going to be doing this all the time, but I enjoy cleaning up and putting the dishes away for her so it’s one less thing for her to have to worry about. For some reason she feels like when I do this… this is something negative about her character. I told her she shouldn’t worry about it. I enjoy helping out around the house especially because she’s been helping pay attention to Elvis while I’ve been away and this is something small that I can do to thank her. So… I’ve been looking into different work opportunities. At first I was looking for positions that I’d like to do more like creative positions… and there are options but they are like two hours away on the public transportation which isn’t so bad, but I thought maybe I’ll just stick around to the location I’m at first. So there’s positions that are around a half hour away by walking or on the bus line. So I’ve applied to different positions. I used to work in an office and it was kind of nice to use my mind in that manner so I’ve applied to office positions at a psychology and veterinarian office. There’s a cannabis position down the road where I applied because I thought maybe I’d be able to find people who might be open and wiling to talk about entheogens. I’m not much of an advocate of cannabis but I think I can open my mind to it’s benefits… but I thought the employees and employers might have some interesting conversations. When it came to the psychology office they have another position which could possibly be an avenue I can look into but I figured I can check out the environment as a receptionist to see if it’s something to further explore. There’s a diy/video crafting position that I applied for which is a distance away that might be an option… but there are more labor positions that are available within walking distance which I’m going to wait to see if I hear back from these first positions. These positions are like UPS store and a cook position at IHOP. I feel I could literally walk-in and pick up a position but I’d like to see if I can hear back from these other positions first. Eventually I’d like to get a vehicle. Once I get a car then I’d be more willing to apply for the more creative positions. There are dance studios which is geared for late night and the public transportation isn’t set up for these type of hours… and there’s an art studio but again it’s far away and also geared to later in the night and without a vehicle it would be a challenge to use the public transportation to get around. So… I’m looking to see what I can find here.

Tomorrow I think I’m going to go and do something fun for myself and see who I can meet. I’ll have to double check the locations but there’s an Argentine Tango coffee event where it’s a practica for three hours and then afterwards I’ll head over tot he Harí Krishna temple I was referred to go check out… where they have a celebration of chants and dancing… a feast and open conversations about spirituality. I think that sounds pretty interesting and seeing if there are any people who I’d enjoy hanging with. I’m definitely low on funds since I have to wait until Tuesday to get my direct deposit… so I have to make sure I’ve got enough money to be able to attend these events. I think I have $50 until Tuesday… hehe… but it might be worth it for me to get out and see what I can find to enjoy. I’ve already been looking up Polynesian dance classes which are available here… not so close but I’ve got my eye out. Today I was going to see if there are any drum circles too. I got ahold of one of the original twelve who lives in Salt Lake… We’re going to try to meetup sometime next week to hopefully share ceremony together… but we’ll see… she’s pretty busy as well with her own things and we’ll see how it unfolds. I’ve got a buddy traveling in Thailand right now. We met in Arequipa, Peru and we’ve been chitchatting once in awhile and he’s looking for ceremonial supplies… and I’ve got some extra supplies that I can send him. I gave him a DMT pen last time we met and now he’s looking for Bufo… I thought maybe I can share the supplies for the trifecta so we’re trying to get all of the arrangements to get his package to him. That will give me an extra hundred bucks… lol… I usually give my ceremonial supplies away for free, but he said that i should charge him this time… so i thought maybe I can give it to him for $150? We’ll see… it’s hard to charge for these supplies. I’ll give him some Bufo, DMT, and changa along with a oil burner bong, a regular oil burner, and I”m thinking about getting him a small tobacco pipe with some tobacco for the changa. So yeah get him completely setup for success to try the trifecta. I can give away half of my supplies. It usually last me a long time because I don’t share a lot… but it’s a lot easier for me to get supplies than it is for him traveling in Thailand… hehe… so I’ll see if I can get a few more supplies before I send him a “bill”… hehe… ok… well I wanted to update the Journal with where I’m at right now. I did write a little bit when I was out on the wilderness position. I think I’ll go ahead and finish this post with copying and pasting what i wrote out there… there’s probably going to be a lot of repetition but oh well… it’s just a more accurate account of where I was at and that current moment questioning the wilderness therapy position. Ok… until next time…

Journal Thursday @5:52pm

Alright so I’m on my TO (Time Off) which is usually an hour long. I went walking and exploring for half of it and now I’m sitting under the tarp on my sleeping bag wanting to checkin with myself. So man… I don’t think I’m wanting to continue this program. I see there can be many benefits but I also just seem to not fit in. I’m half the age if not more than the staff let alone the adolescent. There was a parent visit for one of the kids and I was two years older than both parents. That doesn’t bother me as much as just again this feeling that there’s a bit of arrogance in the leadership… I don’t think there means to be… so I can see they’re not intending to be, but when things get comfortable and what are actions and responses are what happens then? So my group has four field mentors and then myself as the only apprentice. There are two gentlemen and two ladies who are field mentors. The two gentlemen are the leads in the group because they have the most experience in this program. These four has worked with the group of adolescents who we are with and one of the main themes for them to focus on is unity. It sounds good but I haven’t actually heard any of them pointing out to the group that this is their main theme. And I’ve seen moments where our field mentors aren’t so aware of creating unity in the mentorship department so I’m not exactly sure how well they’re going to be able to demonstrate or teach it. Again in a formal lesson ok, but if it’s not an embodied teaching then we’re just going to be teaching contradiction. I know this isn’t about me… but it’s the best way I can set examples. Right I’m the new chick so I haven’t been in this setting before… I’m trying to not only get to know the staff but also the adolescent. I’m hoping there’s opportunities for me to open up and be able to relate with everyone. He first thing is we were about to start playing games the first evening together. I had went to use the restroom and when I got back they were already started so I asked if I can participate and they said no I’d have to sit out. Well it wasn’t a fast game where we played multiple rounds. The game was to eliminate people down to one left which took awhile. I understand they were eager to play but it could’ve been an easy way to let me join to build rapport with everyone. We also had an adventure program where we went to visit the instructor who was going to be teaching them how to rock climb and boley. A field mentor and I were assisting one of the adolescents to find his belongings and so the group was waiting for us to hike out. I had grabbed my helmet and harness and as I was putting it my bag our leads went ahead and left without me being there with the group. I wasn’t brewing over it but then when we were hiking on our way back they definitely made it a point to wait for the field mentors who were not with the group… something like the ducklings wait for their own before heading out. I know these are minor things but it’s obvious to me because I’m on the other end of it. I have to honestly say that the ladies are making efforts to help me feel like I’m included more then the gents… but it does seem like they want to satisfy the gents as well… so there’s a dynamic that I really don’t care to be involved with. We had some issues with the adolescents on playing a game yesterday and it wasn’t going well because they were more competitive than they were to just be cooperative and enjoying hanging out and doing something different then just sitting around at camp eating out of boredom.

A little part of me is bummed that I’m wanting to quit this position, but another part of me is wanting to see what else I can find out here. I’ve got some days off coming up and I’ll see what I can find. I thought maybe I can see if there’s a concert event location I can work at part time like I was in Indy and there seems to be possible horse opportunities.. I figured I can at least seeing what I can find and I’ll stay here until I find something else. I’d much rather be able to take public transportation somewhere and be able to be with Elvis on a more consistent basis. If I can get a vehicle then that will open opportunities for me to travel and camp… camp the way I’d like to camp enjoying the environment and exploring and taking my cat with me. There’s classes I still want to take and I’ll just work and save money to do those classes and also save to get back to Peru. I’m hoping I can get back next Fall like I usually do. We’ll see but that sounds good to me. I’m not sure I’m going to do another shift or not… we’ll see. I thought I was going to be getting paid on my last day of my shift, but I’ll actually be getting paid on the second shift when I go. So maybe I’ll work one more shift… or finish my apprenticeship shifts? I don’t know but I’m definitely going to me looking for alternative opportunities. I’m glad I’m out here in Utah and I do want to explore what I can while I’m here. So yeah I’ve been wanting to do something different and so I’m not wanting to head back to Indiana at this time. Alright… my TO is finishing up so I’ll get off here and see if I have a chance at another time to journal. Ok… until next time

October 29th @12:36pm

Wow… yesterday was a challenge big time when it came to weather. It was really cold for me and I’m glad I called out my second sleeping bag because since then I’ve been warm to sleep… but dang it was tough to get warmed up before then. Everyone seemed to be struggling. I’ve pretty much convinced myself that this is not what I wan to be doing for the winter… I’m going to look for different opportunities. I, hoping to reach out to some of the higher ups to see if they have suggestions of positions that’s not therapeutic in nature but more geared towards the wilderness. I mean if I was just out here chilling and enjoying myself in the wilderness this would be completely a different situation. The more I’m in this environment the more it reminds me of what I’m trying to move away from. I’ve been overwhelmed and depleted of energy when I’ve found myself trying to help people who aren’t fully open to help. I remember my approach was I’m going to figure out how to get around the barriers and walls people put up so I can help…, but that didn’t work for me… it broke me down and I lost track of my health. And yes… I’m not in my teens or early twenties and this style of backpacking for these amounts of times isn’t going to be best for me physically. I mean I can do but damn I don’t want to do it. I feel there’s going to be alternative options for me. I’m looking for things to be a bit easier… and I know it’s not supposed to be easy or whatever but we’ve got choices and if I wanted to torture myself a bit then I’d be happy doing this… but I’m not wanting to torture myself. Carrying 60lbs I. The backpack and hiking for 2-3 miles has been hurting my back. I mean sleeping on the ground isn’t that bad compared to the hiking with that weight. Yeah I can get stronger, but I can also set myself up for injury. My clothes are starting to fall apart with just two weeks of wilderness. My shoes are starting to pull away from the soles… my sunglasses broke, my favorite scarf has burn marks… hehe… I feel like things are falling apart and all I want to do is get through this week so I can get paid for my training as well. I feel like I might even have to be secretive so they done jip me out of money. They said if I work a week I’ll get $500 for training and reimbursed for my medical exams etc that I had to take before my first shift. We’ll see how it goes but I think my roommate will understand… I hope but yeah this is not what I was looking for to put myself in this position. Lol… I don’t want to be talking about pissing and pooping every hour and shit like that…. I’d much rather enjoy my time with people who enjoy the wilderness and enjoy company… people who are being forced into a situation… that just isn’t jiving with me. I’m learning a lot but yeah my buddy was right… I wasn’t going to last that long out here… lol… there’s just too many other opportunities to try out instead of roughing and toughening it out here. I’d really like it if people were just doing a group camp out instead of yeah be surpivision of teenage guys who don’t want to be here. These adolescent are actually pretty cool be they said they’re probably the best behaved, but that’s not the point with me… I’m not trying to use all my energy trying to gain trust and have them open up when I’m using a ton of energy just trying to survive and not get sick… yeah lol… I rarely get sick but since the second night I’ve been feeling it creeping in.,. I can barely breathe out of my nose. Ok battery is about to go. Talk to you guys next time.

withinUverse · November 8, 2023

So… life is interesting, isn’t it… hehe… well… today I heard back from my neighbor who was from the same county as I was in Indiana. I had messaged him a few days ago about hearing from my pops that he might be looking for some help. I told him the position i moved here for is not going to work out. Well he messaged me today after lunch saying that for now if I want to make some money while I’m looking for a job… that he has work for me at his shop. So… I’m thinking cool it’s an auto body and glass shop and I was thinking there was going to be mechanical work… hehe.. well that’s not what it was. First of all there are two ladies doing the front of the house… answering calls and customers coming inside. And there were two guys in the back installing windows into vehicles. The ladies didn’t know I was going to be showing up… and didn’t know what I should be doing. I asked them if I can walk around and check out the place. Well… they needed desperate help in cleaning and organization. Finally I asked if I could start in the kitchen cleaning. They chuckled and said yes that would be awesome. My neighbor was at a meeting so he wasn’t there when I arrived but he came later. He saw I was cleaning and just let me continue. I was there for only three and a half hours before they closed the shop. I had to leave it pretty bad, but I’ll start at 8am tomorrow. Lol… I’m looking forward to tackling the mess… hehe. Why I say life is interesting is because… somehow I run into people who seem to be on the hoarder side of material items. And I seem to find them and start to help clean it up. Now granted this isn’t what I want to do all the time, but I don’t mind doing it for awhile. The only thing is.. just like all the ones I’ve worked with before… their behaviors and habits haven’t changed so it’s not really going to change much, but I’m hopeful that they may take a little more effort to help keep it clean and organized better than they did before. We’ll see… my neighbor does seem to be busy with different things so I think he’ll have me do other projects other than cleaning… but I’d have to say the place really needs someone to give it some TLC because it’s pretty cluttered. I feel my neighbor might not be running around so much and always being busy if he had a bit more organization going on in his systems. I think I’ve also mentioned he is looking for a car for me at the auctions as well… so hopefully I can score on a car sooner than later. So as I’m cleaning I’m trying to appreciate what I’m doing. There’s many times cleaning reminds me of purging and cleansing Reality in this little manner at that moment. But as I was cleaning my neighbor’s children started getting there from school. It made a little more sense on why things were so dismantled… hehe… My neighbor has three children… 10, 12, and 15. There was some bickering going on and pouting. I’ve been noticing well many times I notice or at least observe how parents respond and interact with their children. I’ve been doing that with my roommate as well. I feel like I’m getting two different perspectives and if I start my family trying to find the balance between both opposites.

But yes I feel like I’m in more of a domesticated mindset as of late. I feel like I’m getting a preview of family life and what that entails. I know I’ve seen this in many ways in my life but it’s more apparent to me now. And I find it interesting. I have a job interview on Friday with a boarding school for autistic girls located on a horse farm for therapeutic reasons. It sounds really great but it’s on a farm… hehe… not on the public transit line. So I’ll have to take an hour bus ride to the closes stop and then hike another hour to get to the farm. I actually got picked up today to go to the shop… so I’m hoping maybe I’ll run into some more friendly Utah drivers on Friday. But they want to meet me and I them. Everyone is concerned about the public transportation since both shifts have times that don’t coincide with the bus’s time tables. BUT… maybe I can find some friendly coworkers, maybe? I’m only 20 minutes down the road if I was to drive or get picked up. I’m looking into renting a car for a few days a week as well just to get this position. And if I rent a car then I”ll try to work it out to apply to this Western club looking for a swing dance instructor on Wednesday nights. So yeah I’ll see what I can put into these days while I have the car… just trying to look at options. If I was to walk to the farm from our place it would take three hours. So if I don’t find any rides, I’ll have to start walking at 3:30 in the morning on one shift… or I’d be walking home when I finish my shift at 11pm. Life is interesting… I’ve finally found a position that is around horses… and I really have to work hard to be able to get the chance… hehe… but I also more chances will come up as well. Lol… like I was thinking earlier today… if I’m cleaning like this… I’ll need these jobs that I want for the passion of it to keep sane… hehe… But also I’ve got to think about my little buddy too… he’s been having anxiety with me leaving now.

Those two weeks in the wilderness has him freaking out a bit. I guess today he was crying a lot when I left. He was scaring the child’s friend who came over to visit. They ended up shutting him in our room until I got back. He was fine just sleeping on my pillow… but I felt bad because I know he’s been really all over me since I’ve gotten back. If I go outside he’s waiting at the door for me to return. I know he’ll get back to normal, but I didn’t realize how leaving for eight days straight would send him to anxiety. I feel as long as I’m coming back to him in the evening or mornings or whatever day I’ll be home… we’ll spend our time together. He has been super sweet because he missed me so much. He’s such an amazing little guy and I’m so thankful he’s sharing his life with me. He really brightens up my life! Hehe… I can imagine the way I’ll be with my kiddos.. hehe… it will be hard for me to not spoil them. But I know I’ll find a balance and I’ll have a partner to help keep each other in check.

I got paid today… so woohoo… I was down to $44 in the bank and $5 in cash. I paid my rent and so I’ve got $1782 now in the bank. Still have the $5 in cash too. I need to pick up more groceries and if I continue to work with my neighbor I’ll have to start preparing my meals early to take with me. So in the back of my mind I know I’ve go enough money for December’s rent… I’ve got a cushion until I find a job that I think will be a stable fit for me. Maybe it’s where I’m at but I don’t know that yet… we’ll continue to see how it goes.

So… on my other side of life as a shaman… hehe… I’ve got that buddy who is traveling in Thailand right now. He wants me to send him some ceremonial supplies. He’s the only person I’ve given supplies to and I haven’t shared ceremony with him. It’s pretty wild because I’m pretty strict. I can’t explain this guy’s personality but I knew he would not share ceremony with me… in the time we had shared together in Peru. He happened to ask me about DMT and so after a few days of debating I gave him a DMT pen that I was traveling with. I wasn’t using it and why not. I just tried to explain as much as I can. I usually really go into it when I’m sharing ceremony with people. I get them very prepared… and maybe a little too over prepared… but I feel comfortable this way for now. So… I have some supplies that I’m sharing with him. We’ve been talking quite a bit lately, but usually we hit each other up every three to six months. He’s very unusual and I’d really like to get to know him better. Anywho… I’m sending him supplies and since we don’t really chat it up like I do with guests of mine… I had to think about how to tell him how to use the supplies… hehe… I was laying down to sleep last night and then I thought about making a sketch journal explaining things to him. I loved the idea so much I didn’t go to sleep I turned on the light and started sketching. Now I know I can go overboard with details so I tried my best to keep it brief but thorough. I took a little video of it to share again online. I think he’ll really love it! I know I enjoyed making it for him. Actually when I was making it… it kind of triggered me a bit… romantically. I was thinking how I’d love to do things like this for my partners… I started thinking how long it’s been since I’ve shared that type of intimacy with someone. I even thought that I hope my friend doesn’t take it wrong either. He’s handsome and quirky… he’s great… but my heart is focused on one person… even though my mind questions and wonders at times. One of those times was when I was making this Sketch Journal. I had a dream about the Ozzy the other night… I read a recent blog of his and listened to a recent podcast… not all the way through… just to hear his voice really. I don’t think of him as often as I once did… I’ve been trying to deliberately take a break from his online stuff. Like I said before… we rarely actually write to each other. Normally for his birthday and when I’m in ceremonial spaces… usually during the times of Aya, but I’ve messaged him during times of Bufo as well… hehe… But I”m trying to create more space and distance. And since I am… I feel like this whole domestication thing that I’m noticing… kicks in and then I start to think about him more again. Geesh… alright I’m not going to get into this right now. I’m actually getting tired and I’m getting up early to pick a ride from my neighbor and his kids. I’ll download the sketch journal too. Ok until next time…

,

out_2023-11-07-20-05-45_1 2.mp4

withinUverse · November 11, 2023

Alright… so I’ve been putting in some days at this autobody and glass shop. I’ve been working on the cars now and it’s been pretty fun because I absolutely love learning new skills and there’s variety to it and there seems like there’s a lot of different areas. BUT man… again it’s pretty challenging to work in an environment which is unorganized and dirty. Now some people are like well… what do you expect from a shop… no… I’ve been in shops and I understand there’s a degree of dirtiness and the appearance of looking unorganized… I’m not a clean freak by any means… but this shop is definitely unorganized and when I say dirty it’s just got so many unnecessary items in the shop that’s not even related to shop work. I’ve been working and helping people who have hoarder tendencies and that’s what this place is but in an autobody shop. The thing is… I think I can still work with that but now it’s the question… what is he willing to pay me for me time? That hasn’t been discussed yet. He gave me $300 in cash for around 24 hours of work. So… $12.50/hour…. So again we didn’t discuss anything about pay… he was helping me out with some cash until I can find another opportunity so we were both thinking it was going to be temporary work. I really knew my dad wanted to thank him for his generosity in helping him get his brakes done for a very reasonable price so he could return to Indiana in the van safely… So i know my dad was having me look into helping him out because he knew I’d work hard for the guy. Well… I think what I’ve done so far at $12.50 is the thanks that my dad needed to feel better… hehe… But I’m not going to continue working there for that wage… BUT there’s another factor in play here as well… the DRAMA is not something I’m used to. The police was called yesterday because the boys were fighting and then there’s this mother/father divorce thing going on which I won’t get into because I really don’t want to be involved with it. But I spoke with the other newer technician and he said this happens all the time. He said that the police has been there at least eight times now and he hasn’t worked here for a year yet. I was really surprised by that. I was like I’m not used to dealing with this type of crazy… hehe… so I don’t think I’m going to much longer… lol… but I think I could work he for a few days maybe two or three? That’s what I need to talk to my neighbor about. Again… he happens to have a business that will excite my mind to learn and there’s so many detail oriented jobs in there that I feel would be really satisfying. So I play on going in and learning how to pain the parts…. I feel I’m going to be pretty decent at this. Maybe I can see if he’ll let me come in a few times a week to do the painting and then while I’m there I can always give a helping hand at whatever else needs done that day. But I really can’t see me dealing with that all the time. And honestly I might be able to look around and see if there are other shops hiring…. BUT I’m not really trying to get a full-time position though either.

So what was great when I was working in Colorado was because it was a seasonal position. The employers knew and wanted us to work temporarily. With this position… they’re looking for employees who are going to be there for years if not decades… especially if they’re training us to learn how to do the specialized skills. So I have that in the back of my mind. I’ve ran into potential opportunities. The first one is when I was working at the shop. There’s a retired chef who works there for extra hours and i guess there’s a grill he uses in the back of the shop to cook at times. This gentleman has eleven children with his youngest the same age as my neighbors which is around 10 years old. Anyway as a known chef around here… he does events and he said since it’s the holiday season… he could use some help if I wanted to do some catering for him. Of course I’m interested because I’m pretty familiar around the kitchen and when it comes to hospitality and service… I’m spot on… so I told him I’ll help him on his next event which is on the 16th and see how it’s like. Again we didn’t discuss pay, but I like to see how things play out. I’m always curious to see how much they think I’ve earned… so yeah… I’ll try it out on Thursday and if it goes well… then I’d be happy to help him out on some random events doing some catering. And then I went to my interview at the horse farm where there’s an academy and boarding school for autistic girls who, by the way, did not volunteer to participate in this program. So how did this go?

Well… I had to take the public transit… so I took the bus and anticipated that I’ll have to walk. So I missed the first bus I wanted to take… I had issues I guess with the phone app and my iPad apps information… anyway the bus wasn’t there when it said it was supposed to be there so I had to wait another half hour for the next one. Well… it’s suppose to take an hour and twenty to walk from the bus stop to the farm. So missing the bus meant I was going to be late if I had to walk. Now in the back of my mind I already thought that hitch hiking might be an option. Now that I wasn’t going to make it on time… it was something I really had to consider. So I walked to a place where if anyone driving by me would most likely be driving next to the road I needed for the interview. So I finally said fuck it and put my thumb out… lol… I had success with the second vehicle I stuck my thumb out to…. Yippee! I was very thankful! It’s crazy that a five minute ride down the road saved me an hour walk. And that’s how I kind of put it. I asked the older gentleman if he happens to plan on going down this road for at least five minutes. If so he can just drop me off at 2400 West… I’ve got an interview and explained a little while we were driving down the road. He said he knew where I was talking about and it’s not a problem to drop me off at the place. Well we only had a little time to chat mostly about me moving from Indiana… and he’s been living in Utah for most his life. And then I was there… and I was there early… hehe… about 25 minutes early. The gentleman who was interviewing me wasn’t even there yet. The location is really nicely landscaped and it’s a large home converted into this group home. I entered the front door and the girl I knew who referred me to apply was actually right there. We hugged and said our hellos… she took me to check if the interviewer was there yet but wasn’t and so there was a little sitting area in this loft where the offices are. So I asked my friend if it’s ok if I just wait up here in the loft where nobody was and I can just wait and watch the horses outside. As we were walking through the home to get to the office there were staff and girls around and I just thought it would be best for me to wait patiently until a lady came out of her office and asked why I was there. She said it’s state law that I have to be attended with so she sat down on another couch and before we could introduce ourselves the man who was doing the interview showed up. So he ended up escorting me into an area where it normally is the waiting room but it wasn’t open on Fridays to the public because the receptionist was off. Anyway I waited there until the time of the interview.

The residential director who was interviewing me was very nice and I really enjoyed talking with him. He actually had worked for the company I originally came out here for and he really loved it. Of course it came up in conversation, and I had to admit to him that I didn’t find the program something I felt comfortable to be involved with. I think that concerned him at first because he said that this program is also similar in the way that the children who come here are not voluntarily asking for help. It was chosen for them to come here. I said that I can have an understanding that parents can choose for their children programs they want them to try for behavioral reasons. I asked him more about privacy… hehe… I asked what the similarities of the rules from the wilderness program applied to there. And of course there are similarities but there were so many differences as well. This is a home where only a maximum of 15 girls can reside at a time. Currently they have 13 young ladies. Their stay is a year or two years long. So they are assisting in changing behavior and understand that this process will take years to address changes. They are a school as well so they are taking classes and receiving credits while they’re housed there. They’re allowed to go back to their families for holidays. They have time in the evenings to “personal privacy” time in their rooms… and a half an hour before bed to read or something like that. So… to me this doesn’t really seem like it’s all that similar. He was saying that they are expected to do chores but no actual labor which is understandable. When I was getting toured around the facility I could see that some of the girls were just walking around or hanging out with one another without supervision. So again I feel like there wasn’t a facility feel to it or an inmate feel to it… hehe… It sounded interesting and again has a structure that I’m curious how it plays out. I cannot go without mentioning my spirituality and I knew it would bring up a conversation…. He wanted to make sure they I understood that religion or spirituality is something we don’t discuss with the ladies… and again we’re not trying to reveal our personal lives with the young ladies either. He asked how I feel about that. I said I expected as much… I’d be more interested in speaking with mature minds about spirituality like staff if the subject ever comes up. In my mind is… after talking with this man… he’d be a prime person to speak with… hehe… he’s got a wilderness guide background and he seemed like he generally thought I was interesting to speak with… and i was generally curious about him. He mentioned that his phone number was on his email communications and I said I had already placed it in my phone if I had issues getting to the interview. So lol… if nothing comes from this interview but to meet this man… then that’s what needed to happen for me to find him. So today I’m going to text him to thank him for his time and see if he still has any connections to people who look to do wilderness excursions in Utah on the weekends or something like that. I’ll see if I can hook him into an adventure… or see if I can start networking for people who are interested in teaching me wilderness skills or whatever… there’s things to explore in this avenue I feel. So anyway we decided that right now wouldn’t be the time for me to start because I don’t have a vehicle. The morning shift starts at 6:45am before the buses run… and the night shift gets off at 11pm after the buses run. But we’re both interested in giving it a try when I get my car lined up. We also agreed that I’d best be a part of the on-call staff instead of the full-time staff. He said he’d love to get me a 4 or 8 hour consistent shift for me for the week so I can get my feet wet into the program. Things were great but there wasn’t much mention of the horses. I was curious why there wasn’t much mention of them. They have a huge facility for the girls to learn how to ride the horses. But when our interview was over… I went ahead and walked towards the “horse” staff to ask some questions. They weren’t as friendly or talkative but I did find out they have ten horses there for the girls. They are usually chosen by the temperament so they don’t get spooked by the young ladies and sometimes clumsiness of unfamiliar riders. They mentioned that sometimes the horses get bored doing this over time and they rotate the horses out from time to time. I was asking if they had an additional farm where they rotate out the horses and they said they get them from multiple sources. I would’ve like to talk more but again I felt they weren’t really that comfortable talking to me about things so I left it at that. And I started walking back into town.

I stuck out my thumb this time without so much reservations like I did going to the interview. It took me more times this round… I think maybe five to six cars passed me before an older woman asked how far I needed to go. I said only about five minutes down the road to the main drag of town. I plan on going to Subway to eat lunch and then I’ll take the bus back to Payson. She said she has no problem taking me to Subway. And I thanked her and we started to have our short conversation… she has been a horse owner since she was 16 years old. She recently lost her mare who was 30 when she passed a few months back. So technically she said these last few months has been the first time she hasn’t had a horse in 16 years… I asked how long will she go without a horse and she said not long… she misses the companionship of horses so much… it was just tough on her to lose her mare. She was meeting her daughter for lunch and we spoke about her friend who has many horses out in Payson. I said I’d love to learn more about horses and I’d like to find someone who wouldn’t mind teaching me. I didn’t really push it but I like to put it out there. She was dropping me off at Subway and said that she’ll probably just eat a salad with her daughter but if she sees me walking around here… she has no problem talking me to Payson either. I thanked her, but said this is the first time I’ve been here in Spanish Fork so I would like to check it out a little. I planned on going to the smoke shop to get supplies for my buddy in Thailand but of course I didn’t want to tell her that.. hehe… but it was a cute town for what I saw of it and did want to walk around a bit. As I was leaving I ran into a couple opening up a food stand at a corner of a gas station. They moved here from Texas and they were fun to talk with for a little bit. I forget how much fun it is to just randomly wander around and see who and what can be found. As I was walking around I saw hiring signs up and about and so that gets me thinking that I can find opportunities out there. I’ve been trying these online websites that’s more annoying because of all the emails they send then they are useful. I haven’t had any responses from any that I’ve applied online with… so I’m not sure how successful they are for me who doesn’t have an impressive resume. But it was a briskly and beautiful fall day and I really did enjoy walking around a bit in the country and then downtown with their little shops. Here is a really pretty location in my opinion. I asked my neighbor and his boys if they remember how beautiful it is around here… I know people forget this, but I like to remind them of the beauty they can notice by looking at the mountains that surround us and the trees turning colors and the snow at the tops and the sky… it’s really really nice.

But yeah so there’s opportunities here soon that has flexibility and also ways to get some extra income… so I’m looking forward to hopefully finding something more involved with horses… but again I feel I’ll have to get the first piece to the puzzle… the vehicle. But yes… so my friend in Thailand who I’m sending ceremonial supplies to and also a sketch journal on how to use the supplies… I told him I’ll send out his package today so I went to a smoke shop to pick up a few more supplies and the post office to send it out to him. I did end up going to the shop and working for a few hours since I was walking around and passing the shop. So… yeah that’s what’s going on right now. I think I’m going to continue my sketch book journal… I enjoyed it when I was trying it out in the wilderness and I feel like I’ll continue to enjoy it. Okie dokie… that’s good for now. I want to grab some breakfast before I head into the shop. Until next time… enjoy

withinUverse · November 19, 2023

So it’s been a week since I wrote… and most of the time has been at the auto body and glass shop. I’m really surprised how much I’m enjoying this position. I was using the vacuum hand sander on a camper shell to prepare it for painting and during the process of removing the shine and orange peel… I was using the light to see what needed to be done and I was using my hand to run over the surface and feeling the curve I really could see how much people could enjoy doing for pleasure. I can see this as a really cool hobby for people. Shoot it could possibly turn into a hobby of mine one day… who knows? But doing this work is pretty detailed oriented and meticulous and I enjoy it! It’s funny because I really don’t know much about cars in general. The majority of my life I’ve had very old vehicles and I’ve only purchased them at a very low price so I can get from one location to the next… as long as it could do this, I was happy with it. And when it comes to these vehicles also comes with issues that need to be fixed and I’d go in and fix them… but I’d use YouTube or ask friends who knew more about mechanical work and then yeah… I’d use hand tools and get it done. I am not a stranger to the junk yard and so I’d find parts there many times to fix issues. I’ve already mentioned, I believe, that I’ve replaced an engine to one of my cars from a “junkyard dog” (engine) and it worked and didn’t actually take long even though we weren’t using power tools. Anyway… now that I’m working on cars with actual proper equipment and tools… it’s pretty fun. We don’t have to do a lot of mechanical stuff even though at times we do… I haven’t really had a chance to learn that yet and maybe I won’t… but there’s so many things I’m learning that it’s keeping my attention and curious to continue learning. I’ve been helping with removing and replacing windshields which is pretty tricky to remove from the vehicles. Lol… all these vehicles are a lot more new to what I’m accustomed to so they have the push starts and some don’t have normal shifters they could be just buttons… lol.. anyway it’s different. And when it comes to windshields there’s things that I didn’t think about when to remove and replace that would need to be done. So many of them have to be recalibrated because there’s sensors and cameras that have to be detached so when we unplug them… they need to be recalibrated. I’ve been really liking the process of painting as well. Now I did try to go and learn how to spray paint last Sunday but I chickened out pretty quickly because I started to get self conscious about doing it properly and I thought it’s best that I don’t paint and give that to my boss. But I did tell him that I do want to learn more about it and do it more, but we have to wait for projects that are more forgiving for beginners to paint. So we’ll see if I get another chance soon. But… to get the parts prepped to paint takes quite a bit of time and has a process. Once we go through the sanding process then we have the masking process to make sure most of the vehicle is protected from overspray. And after the painting we have another process of fixing the paint and preparing to polish it. There’s a lot that goes into it. Again as a hobby I can really see how I would enjoy it. I enjoy it now, but I also know that my pace will have to increase, because this business is more about turning the car to get to the next car. I think we have about seven cars we’re always working on and we might have four cars going in an out quickly with windshield replacements. And even more cars that will come in less than a half hour because we’re fixing rock chips in the windshields. We’re a small shop but there is still a lot to work on.. and different projects gets it interesting. Since I’m still new and these aren’t my vehicles I’m very hesitant on removing parts off the car. I’m always concerned I’m going to break something and then add more issues to fix which I don’t want to do. We remove a lot of parts all the time. And sometimes we have to be a bit aggressive and I’m just not comfortable yet to do it… hehe… I try to be gentle and I see it’s not working and then I’ll try a little harder… and if it’s too hard I ask for help because I don’t want to be the one who breaks something… hehe. I know it sounds like I’m not really being helpful but I know I’ll get more used to the process and I won’t be asking for help so much… but I think for now people are appreciating me admitting when I’m not comfortable with something. I’ve also noticed how many little pieces go into this and trying to keep it organized and even remembering where everything goes… hehe… there’s a lot to it but I am enjoying myself. I chickened out about asking how much I’m getting paid as well. I had a brief conversation with one of the office girls about not knowing how he’s going to pay me. If he puts me on payroll then we’ll have paperwork to fill out. She said she’ll try to get it figured out by Friday, but that didn’t happen. So yeah I haven’t filled out a W2 yet and I’m not sure I’m going to. We’re supposed to be getting paid on the 20th… so I guess I’ll find out then… hehe… I just hope they show how many hours I’ve worked and the pay rate but without filling out paperwork I don’t know if that will happen. I’m going in tomorrow to help out a bit so maybe I’ll get a chance to talk to my neighbor a bit more. It’s challenging because he’s always so preoccupied with other thoughts and then he’ll be dealing with his children many times so it’s hard to get a quiet time to just talk one on one.

Originally my neighbor was going to help me find a car. Now that I see how busy he is I’ve been trying to be more active on finding one myself or asking others if they know of anything. Now I’ve been mostly at the shop so my conversations have been limited; however, I was speaking with one of the volunteers at the Krishna temple today and she has two vehicles that she’s trying to sell. So yes today I took a day off and I wanted to go to the temple. I’d like to go on Sunday but the bus doesn’t run on Sundays so I thought Saturday would be the day to go. The bus driver actually dropped me off closer to the temple which wasn’t a scheduled stop but he was super nice and I appreciated it. The temple is gorgeous but it’s really extravagant. I guess “temples” are supposed to be but I’m not really sure the significance of all the “show” but I did enjoy the architecture and the artwork and so maybe that’s why.. hehe. It just seems more gaudy than necessary. This temple has llamas and peacocks on property along with an African parrot and four macaws. So I started out there with the animals. There are white peacocks as well who were really pretty and looked like younger males who didn’t have the whole blue on their bodies. I didn’t have anyone to talk to so I’m not certain how to tell the difference but it was still cool to see them wandering around. I was being quiet and moving slow so they weren’t running away from me too much but definitely kept their distance. I didn’t count the llamas but I’d estimate about ten of them. There was one who was sitting closest to the fence who had a curious and goofy smile… at least to me. Half of his teeth were showing on one side but it really made him look even cuter. It started to sprinkle and the animals started to get shelter so I went ahead and went inside. There’s a gift shop and vegetarian buffet in the entrance. The temple was at the top level and there was a group taking a tour so I ended up talking with the young lady who volunteers and happened to be working at the gift shop today. She actually had been living there while her husband is living a little farther north and working there. They just found out they are pregnant so they are moving to Bolivia in a month. We were having a good conversation and I found out she was having issues with one of her cars not being able to start. I asked her if she’d like any help with it. I wouldn’t be able to diagnose any issues but my boss should be. I’m also looking for a vehicle so maybe if there isn’t a crazy amount of issues I might be interested in buying it. That’s when she said she’s going to be selling her other vehicle too. It’s a little SUV and of course that’s the one I’d rather have, but when it comes to price… I’ll be able to purchase the one that’s not working right now. She and her husband is guessing that it’s the starter but we’ll see. She’s also selling her saris so… I might get one from her. Through out the week I’ve been really debating on getting to Nepal this coming year. I was chatting with the young technician at work about usually trying to go somewhere on my birthday and I started to think about it… I’d really like to go to Nepal. We’ll have to see how things fall into place, but it’s going to be hard to not want to go to Nepal for at least a month… if not more.. hehe… if I go in February that might be too soon to save the money I’d like to have. But I really want to get back to Peru next year as well… so again… we’ll see how things work out. I continue to find myself trying to plan things out but Reality likes to show me a different approach to how I want to experience what I’m asking for… so… trying to continue to get better with going with the flow… hehe. So I messaged my boss to see if he’d need help tomorrow at the shop. And if he had time in his schedule maybe we can check out the vehicles at the temple to see if they’re worth purchasing or not during our lunch time. He’s going to see how he feels in the morning and then we’ll go from there. I’m going to offer paying for his lunch at the vegetarian buffet at the temple… I thought it was delicious. I asked if there was a way to volunteer in the kitchen to learn how to make the recipes, but the lady who used to teach no longer works there anymore. I am looking to see if there are any volunteer opportunities at the temple but the wife who designed the temple and painted the artwork also manages the volunteers seemed a bit hesitant with me not being a member. So we’ll see how it goes. I really enjoyed speaking with the young lady and I hope to continue our conversations even after she returns to Bolivia. She was telling me that Bolivia is even more beautiful than Peru… hehe… and I said I was at Lake Titicaca but I didn’t cross the border. She said if I visit the Krishna temple in Bolivia then she bets… I’ll run into her again. Her mother and stepdad are in higher ranks in the ISKCON so she’s active as well.

So…. I continue to hear and read the name St. George… hehe… I’ve actually looked for rooms/roommates and jobs there… I’ve actually got a young man who wants to room with me if I happen to make my way down there. But I’m curious if I’m going to be going there soon. I thought maybe it would be more reasonable for me to go there for my birthday instead. Everyone is implying it’s kind of the tourist place of Utah. It’s gorgeous and many people go to St. George for the winter because it doesn’t snow as much as it does up here. I felt like I’d have opportunities in the creative side down there… but there might be opportunities here as well.. but I wanted to mention that it keeps coming to my attention. Yesterday morning I was watching like a migration of birds flying south out of my window… and I chuckled that I thought about heading to St. George to miss the winter weather… hehe… but again we’ll see how things go.

And… this week I did end up buying so things for myself for personal care. I wasn’t going to do it at first… well it didn’t even come up to mind but then one day I was just like… I’d like to get some things to kind of care for myself more than I usually do. I’d love to try to create a habit but I’m not certain these would be my supplies to create a routine but I thought I’d like to give it a try. So I had my period and I thought I’ve been wanting to try out these period cups… so I ordered a kit. I knew it wasn’t going to be delivered before I was done but I wanted to have it ready for next month so I can give it a try. I got it off of Amazon so I went ahead and purchased a gift for Elvis. I wanted to get him so pet grass so I got a grow kit. I should be seeing sprouts tomorrow… I hope and within a week I guess I should be able to feed him the grass. The grass only last a few weeks so hopefully if it works I can purchase a kit to replenish his grass…. If it works! But I also go a body lotion. Honestly I’m not a lotion person… hehe… but ever since I was in the wilderness I’ve felt like my hands have been really dry and thirsty. Also being in the wilderness my senses were heightened about how I take care of myself and I wanted to get a better routine or habits to better take care of myself. So what… there were good reviews for Curel daily healing lotion unscented… so I’m giving it a try. I’m trying to do it daily so I’ve done it three days now and yeah at first I don’t like the feel of having lotion on my skin but it’s not taking long for it to penetrate my skin and then it feels fine. We’ll see if I feel like its getting more moisture and not so dry then it might be something to continue, right? And I guess if I’m in the jungle I won’t need it but in the winter… I could do this.. hehe.. right? Anyway… when it comes to deodorant it’s been tricky for me to find something I like. So I’ve been looking into Lume because they had this lotion option for deodorant and also it’s for the entire body. It says it’s supposed to last up to 72 hours of odor protection. So I had thought about the expedition when I’m guessing there isn’t going to be a daily bath going on. So I was going to see if it works and this could be an alternative to help for the wilderness, but also I’ve been finding that I’m going two to three days before bathing and I’m working at the shop. So I thought this might be a good time to try Lume and see if works. So I just got this and I ran a really amazing bath today. I boiled extra water to get a really hot bath… and now I know again and reaffirmed why a hot bath is just complete bliss. I mentioned it’s been luke warm water and it wasn’t cutting it. My muscles were craving a hot bath so yep I boiled three pots of water and one which was hot but not quite boiling yet and it was exactly what I was wanting. But anyway I used the Lume bar soap… and the lotion suggests to apply at night.. so I’m going to use it tonight and then see how it works. I’ve been looking into Prose as well… advertising seems to be attracting me and I’m giving in and giving them a try. So I got a hair care routine and also their skin care routine. I’ll see how I feel about it and the results but I’m open to giving this a try for a few months to see if the results are what I’d be looking for. There’s also a product that I spray on my roots to help boost scalp care and I guess boost hair growth… so I’m giving this a try too. And the final thing is this lip product which is supposed to really moisturize my lips. I’ve had dry lips for a loooong time now and I have moments where I’ll use chap lip stuff but I’m not consistent with it… but again since the wilderness… I’ve just noticed how dry my body is and how much I want to give it attention. So I should be receiving all of these items this week and I’ll get started in trying to take better care of the body. They say to be consistent with it.. and I’m going to give it my best effort to be as consistent as I can be. And it takes patience so to give it a few months before determining whether the products are working with my body or not. So we’ll see how things go… I’m hopeful.

So I’ve tried to continue the sketch journal again. So I’ll try to attach a video of the pages I’ve got done this week. I’ve been tracking the package to my buddy in Thailand and so the last update on tracking says it’s going through Customs Clearance in Thailand… so once it gets past this step… it shouldn’t be long for it to get to my buddy…. As long as the address is understandable… hehe… I didn’t know what was the province or which was the city… and I think there’s an island name “moo”… well I wrote down what my friend wrote so hopefully it’s understandable to them. Ok.. it’s getting late and I’m getting tired. I’ll go ahead and finish for tonight… until next time.

videoSpeed 2.mp4

withinUverse · November 24, 2023

Busy Holy hell… so Reality is interesting is such an understatement… and what the hell? How do I attract the experiences I attract into my life? Lol… i love exploration and learning… so I’m very open to what comes in for me to experience, but really? I’m not sure why certain things seem to be drawn. I’ve been working on my radical open-mindedness… but I’ve also been working on my discernment. Sometimes they feel like they are truly testing and challenging to where I’m like… what the hell am I supposed to do, now? So…. I’ve been dealing with my neighbor and his crew for the last few weeks. I’ve been mentioning this on my Journal. And I have to be completely honest that I have not gotten their permission to discuss this but… this is my Journal about what goes on and they are what’s going on right now. I want to respect their privacy so I’m not going to mention their names… and I actually have to go back and double check that I haven’t mentioned too much details to were they can be tracked down by observant readers. So I’m going to double check real quick before I move forward with my rant to figure out if there are solutions that will come to me as I explode my thoughts out there. I’ll be back in a minute after I read…

Ok… I think I’ve been vague enough to not point a finger to who I’m dealing with to protect their privacy, but man oh man… what did I just get myself into? I went into a Thanksgiving gathering with my neighbor and his crew and I didn’t realize where things were going to lead. I’ve already spoke to one of my close friends about it and I found it difficult to give her all the details because maybe I’m a bit embarrassed that I’m attracting these situations into my experience and also a bit embarrassed for the family I’m dealing with. I’m not sure if embarrassed is the correct word I’m looking for but let’s see how this plays out. I just need to purge into the Journal and see what I can find that I’m not seeing as a solution to the predicament I’m facing. I’ve messaged my dad and I got a message from my buddy in Thailand and so I was going to talk to him about it but he happened to have received his supplies I’ve sent him so he’s doing ceremony right now and I didn’t want to mess with his vibe before going into session. I hope I didn’t unintentionally. But yeah even things there… I want to explore more into.

So where do I begin? I guess I’m going to write out the details of my observation of the people I’ve been dealing with these past two months. So… I had been looking for other jobs in place of the wilderness therapy position I was intending to do and why I moved out to Utah. I was applying online and I wasn’t getting any return communications. I have had one interview so far and we came to the conclusion that I’d need to have a vehicle to be able to work there. So… I’m in a new location… I’m looking for work… I don’t have a car… and my neighbor has work for me at the auto body shop. The technical work of learning how to fix wrecked vehicles and replacing windshields is very interesting to me… and I had never thought I’d enjoy the technical work as much as I have been… BUT the drama that comes with it has been sending red flags everywhere… I see them… but I’m also curious to see where it leads… and possibly the big fat red flag I got yesterday is challenging my curiosity.

And there are many conversations going in my mind of why this might be happening. I’m a shamana and with my work I’ve gained an understanding of being connected to everything and how we influence our surroundings and vice versa. I feel like I’m still running into the situation where I want to be effective in people’s lives to help them see areas of concern to make their lives better and in turn helps the lives they’re influencing… etcetera etcetera. I have so much confidence in myself that it’s like it doesn’t matter who comes along… if we’re supposed to spend time together then…. We can make a difference in each other’s lives. So… am I allowing my curiosity an excuse to get me into situations where I know I’ll not want to be in? It’s actually getting similar to what I was facing with my shaman during our dieta. I was really hoping that he would be making higher conscious decisions than what actually happened. I think that this might be a similar situation. I want so much for the people I’m around to make higher conscious decisions but it’s obvious that their level of consciousness is not going to have a result that isn’t toxic. And I supposed to continue with them because I can be a vessel of non-judgement and be able to communicate with them of things that might not be a s obvious to them? Is it ok to continue without addressing the situation? When it comes to personal revelations… I’d like to really work through them and understand why my decisions can be more conscious then what I actually did. It’s many times an after thought. It’s this desire to want to help the collective. And the desire to have people interested in leveling up their consciousness… but I’m learning most people aren’t ready for that. As much as I’d like it to be true… actuality is showing where they are and I need to not ignore signs that are obvious to me… just because I could be exactly the person to help… but the amount of energy and effort that is required to do this would it really be something I could use in my life at this time? Discernment… well… I know I’ve been approaching things a bit differently since I’ve been in Utah and I feel more confident by changing my initial thoughts. I don’t have to be stuck in situations that are lining up to what I’m trying to build. I wanted that wilderness position but I also knew I wouldn’t know if its what I’m looking for unless I tried it… I tried it and found that it wasn’t what I wanted. I feel it’s the same way here with this family… I’m trying it out and I also found out this is not what I’m looking for either. And now when it comes to this neighbor… money is involved and it’s playing a roll on my decision. And again I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and there’s something inside me that wants to show people who I am and how I like to work and then see what they value me in their lives. So I haven’t discussed payroll with my neighbor yet. I’ve been working over two weeks and everyone who is on payroll got paid on Monday. I thought I would be as well. So the first three days he did end up paying me $300 in cash… so there’s 12 days I haven’t gotten paid for. I’ve messaged him about it today to see if he has time to discuss this with me. I’ve been working hard learning the technical skills and I know he’s seen my potential but I’ve also been able to show them how quickly things can get cleaned up and organized when there’s dedicated focus. In my mind I was trying to show the value of having me as a team member and hoping to help qualify my pay rate when we discuss it. As I’m doing this I’m also observing them to see whether they’re a team I’d like to be associated with. And in all complete honesty they are obviously not who I’d like to be associated with. It’s so challenging for me and I’m not sure why.. I continue to see the potential of the people I get introduced to but, their potential is not who they are now. And if they’re obviously set in their ways and not interested in addressing them…. It’s not my place to convince them. No matter how much I’d like them to be ready. And when it comes to the money factor. I’m going to try to see if I can get paid for the work I’ve done, but in reality if I’m unable to get compensated… then it’s obvious that I’m not going to continue to communicate. I’m even thinking if he can at least pay me the minimum wage for that time that will help me out. So on average I’ve been working 10 hours a day so if I can get him to pay me minimum wage it’ll be around $850 which is just fine for me to get out of there… hehe… I feel like my whole body and mind is screaming at me to just get the hell out of there to the point where I’ll give a little time and effort to get the money but I’m not going to go on for days trying to get it because I’d just rather not be involved anymore.

Should I go into the situation I found myself in? Is this important to express to everyone on why I’m wanting to leave so abruptly and pretty desperately… hehe… well… let’s just say there’s something sexually deviant going on here. Now again I’m very open and I’m not judging their decisions but I’m quite surprised and to the little I observed it looks like any party that’s involved are consensual with the situation. NOW the really unnerving part of this is they may be consensual but they’re not all adults. Now I know I deal with sexual concerns when it comes to ceremonies and I know sexuality needs to be addressed and elevated to higher levels of consciousness and I’d like for adults and young adults to be able to communicate our thoughts about sexuality but… when it comes to a hive of people who are practicing and engaged and possibly obsessed with the sexual games they’re into… is this really the time to have them try to see a different approach? Hell no… and I’m completely out numbered. And thinking about how much manipulation has been being played out and how their minds are working at this time is quite disturbing yet fascinating. That’s the thing these are intelligent people but how they choose to use their intelligence is quite geesh… disgusting really. But damn it I know they can evolve out of this phase but those damn kids are being engrained into this lifestyle and it makes me want to help them. Makes me want to get a hold of authorities to assist but I also don’t want to get involved in all of that either. Geesh am I just going to run away from this situation? What resources do I have to be able to do something about it? Again I’m outnumbered so its my word against what how many people were there one to twelve I think. And I feel right now would not be the time to address it because it would be obvious that I would be the one contacting the authorities. And geesh the children are as consensual than the adults so what really will be accomplished if the authorities get involved in this part of their lives as well? Geesh why am I getting introduced to this at this time? It has to be how much shit am I going to continue to allow in my life i guess… And right now I don’t want shit in my life. Yes I love to explore and be curious but this isn’t what I’m looking for. Ok it affirms just how far people can go with their freedom but damn… I’m not in the position to be effective in their lives. I can see maybe in the future but right now… there’s no chance. And I’m not in the position to be effective and geesh I wish I could reach out to authorities to help but again… the children are ok with how things are going and so they’ve been taught how to manipulate situations and people and the system… so what really could be done at this time? Reality works in mysterious ways and I know they are living their experience to eventually gain more consciousness but I am going to wash my hands of this situation.

Oh ok… my dad just got back to me and I was able to talk to him about everything. It was funny because I was in shock and I needed a bit of comfort from someone who cares about me… so it helped out. I apologized having to talk it out with him and how weird the situation but it definitely helped me out. I didn’t realize how much in shock I was in… I felt like a little girl not knowing how to move forward and a bit scared to be alone in an apartment with my neighbors so close. But I’m resilient and I know there are things I can work with and move forward to see how to get out of the predicament I found myself in. I’ve messaged the Krishna temple to see if they could use any volunteers today or tomorrow. I got the number for one of my buddies at work who has a dad who does building side jobs and reached out to let them know I’d be interested in helping out. And I’m almost to the point to walk over to the restaurants or even Walmart to see if they could use a helping hand over the weekend. I guess I’m wanting to be a bit distracted and doing so I can hopefully find a company who will pay me for my time without having to convince them to pay me… hehe… it’s Black Friday so I don’t know how successful that will be, but I don’t mind giving it a chance. If not I’ll come back and boil some water and soak for awhile and then try to relax and possibly it’s time to do ceremony again. Today would be the day to do so. But do I go into ceremony in this state? I don’t know if that would be appropriate either. i was messaging my friend in Thailand and when I heard he was in ceremony I deleted the message trying to explain what I went through so it doesn’t affect his session… maybe that should be a suggestion for myself as well. I think I need to get out of the apartment and see what I can run into hopefully some opportunity to start work over the weekend.

I’ll go over what’s going on in my mind when it comes to the financials. So I have $955.52 which is enough to pay for another month’s rent here and the $350 left can probably get the meals I need for the month as well. So I’ve got a cushion on finding a position and getting paid throughout the next month to have more options and figure out where to go from here. If I can get my foot into the door of the Krishna temple… I’d assume I can find some higher consciousness people there. It’s odd that the couple who are running the temple seem completely opposite of each other. I listened to the man speaking with a group and I enjoyed what he was saying and knew there’s been work being experienced in him. But in the brief amount of time I listened I could see he had a warm personality. But when it comes to his wife she has a cold personality. lol… even the lovely young lady I met there last weekend described her by being cold. She said it takes time to get used to her, but the wife is the one I’d have to deal with for volunteer opportunities. I’ve messaged the lady last week and she hasn’t responded to my message but I went ahead and messaged her again to see if she’ll respond. I hope I got her number accurate, but I’d assume if it wasn’t the right number whom ever receives the messages would let me know that I’ve got the wrong number. But yeah… I think I’m going to head out within the next few hours to see if I can find a temporary work opportunity.

Do I want to go into my friend in Thailand? Well… why not because shit is hitting the fan and so I can let it fly around everywhere because damn it I feel like this is the space and time to do so… so why the hell not. So this friend of mine… how do I explain our relationship. Let’s just say it’s strange as well. I met him at a hostile and I love to observe people and what I was noticing with him at the beginning was he was a loner. When he spoke to people he was really gregarious and funny but I could see most of the time he would be looking for opportunities to be alone. We kept running into each other on the roof of the hostile because it was a nice place to be alone and of course I like to be a loner as well so I’d seem to interrupt his alone time. He’d joke about it but I also knew he was telling me he wanted his own space too. Well we finally started talking and he’s really into the dark room experiences. Since I knew the staff they would talk about his behaviors since he’s been there. They loved him but also he was a strange character. Now I don’t think the dark room is strange and I’ve been interested in seeing how this practice would affect me too… so that wasn’t too strange, but another thing I noticed was that people were calling him different names. That was one of the first things I joked to him about… I was like what’s your actual name? Is it….. or is it… or… do you not want people to know? He laughed and said most of these people he will not see again so he likes to play around with them. He told me his name, but I was hesitant to believe him but that was the name I called him. He had been living in the hostile for what I remember for months. And was able to do whatever he wanted. He would like to make jokes with people by starting out saying… well if we had a million dollars we’d be able to… he said it so often and so nonchalantly that I started to get a hunch that he’s a person who has no struggle financially. There’s a few times we hung out by ourselves and he would through that line out and finally I looked at him and said… it’s funny you say this… but I feel you might be the person who has a million dollars at your finger tips. He didn’t know how to respond and I laughed at him and said why is he going around trying to act like he doesn’t have access to money? He said what I’m supposed to go around advertising it? I said no you don’t have to advertise it but if someone is to actually observe you they’d notice what you’re trying to do… just like I did. At that time I was telling him that I’ll be in his position one day, and I don’t think I’ll be hiding the fact but I also won’t be advertising it either… but I probably wouldn’t be saying if we had a million dollars all the time too… because it starts to get curious by over saying it. We enjoyed our time with each other and he started to get more comfortable being around my space. And now that his secret was out of the bag with me it felt like it was like a burden was lifted from his shoulders. I didn’t treat him any differently then how I treated anyone else. He’s just a being experiencing Realilty as well. So we started to talk about Spirituality…. He’s spiritual as well and that’s why he really liked to do the dark room experiences and recommends it highly… in fact he’s mentioned it to me again to try out. And he said to start off with 24 hours… I asked how am I to use the restroom and eat… he said prepare that before you go into it. Shoot… now that I’m writing it out… I have a few days where I can do just that. He sent me a link through Amazon to purchase these blinders to where to help with the black out experience. I could possibly purchase that? Could I get it tomorrow? Is there something at Walmart that can be a similar situation? Should I be using these few days away from my roommate and daughter so I can try it out? Maybe that is an option? Hmmm… well anyway I loved talking to him about his ideas about Spirituality… his thoughts are a little more cosmic more than my experiences but that’s what makes it so interesting to listen to. And he’s so dynamic when he talks… he speaks as if he’s telling tales of ‘ol very rhythmic and wants to entice his audience into his words. He’s very playful and it’s nice to be in that energy. Our engagements weren’t really flirty in nature. We were just enjoying our conversations which it seems rare to find opportunities to have similar conversations. He was the one who helped me out with my phone. I had lost my phone on the journey to Arequipa and I had no way to communicate and he had an extra old phone with him and he gave it to me so I can have a way to communicate. I had been talking to him about psychedelics and he asked if I had an DMT and at that time I had a pen that I wasn’t using and so I gave him the pen in exchange for the phone. We exchanged numbers and when I left Arequipa we would briefly message each other from time to time. He had been back to the UK for a little while and then now has found his way to Thailand. Recently we’ve been messaging back and forth quite often. I feel like I’ve mentioned that hopefully he’s not getting the wrong impression of our relationship. And I got confirmation this morning that in fact his impression is not just a friendly relationship. I mean its friendly but he implied he’s open to developing it a bit more from friendship. That’s what I’m afraid of… geesh… how to explain this.

I am afraid of this… why am I afraid of this? Honestly what am I afraid of? Am I afraid that i might be a little interested how it would be to be in a relationship with someone again? This has been by far the most challenging of messages I received in ceremony. This Australian man… this man who continues to hover in my energy in my ceremonies… over and over and over again… Messages so intense yet always teaching about patience… it’s all worth the wait. And I remember how my sexual experiences have gone since these messages began. I also have my mind thinking that I can possibly give things a chance but when I do.. I regret the choice and confirm that my heart isn’t into it. And I know that’s the case with my Thailand friend too. Even though he’s interesting and exciting and handsome… ultimately he’s not the one I”m wanting to explore in a sexually intimate way. But man… I do miss having that as part of my life. I feel like that’s what I’m working towards right now. Preparing myself for this life’s life partner. But so many factors play out in my mind. Ha, I remember when I fist was thinking about being sexually active in high school that the person I really was into liked me but I felt like I had to get practice before we could get together. So I went out and played around before returning to him. I enjoy sex like many do. Geesh it’ll be six years in February since I’ve had a sexual partner. Yes I ran into that situation during my dieta but was a lesson for me to be aware of the dysfunction I have of not reading peoples current state of sexual consciousness and wanting them to be able to make decisions that aren’t in their awareness state at the time. Shoot I thought I was going to physically die so what did I think to do… allow my body to have sex for the last time… even though it was with someone whom I wouldn’t want to share that experience with… but did I find myself doing it… absolutely regretting it and disturbed that I chose that myself. But an actual sexual partner…. I haven’t had that for a time now… but do I wish I had one… yes… and I know who I want to share it with but… our time is not now obviously. I ask myself what’s so wrong with dating someone other than the Australian… would it be so bad to give it a try? I feel if we both had a complete understanding of where we are at our lives and our relationship to what we can share was open and honest it could possibly work. But again I know I wouldn’t be able to completely free myself to explore because I know things I want to explore with the Oz mate and I don’t want to have that exploration with anyone else… do I? I mean most of the people I meet are obvious no gos… they are very unconscious and don’t treat themselves well… lets just say I see red flags for most of the men I meet to where the entertainment to share anything sexually with them hasn’t been an issue. So… am I entertaining something with my friend in Thailand? I think I actually am because first of all I know he takes care of his vessel. And it seems he’s been purifying and purging Spiritually and that’s attractive to me. He’s funny and relaxed and entertaining… but there seems to be something stopping me other than my Australian dream lover…. I feel he would want something more exclusive and long-term… and I know that’s not what I’d like to share with him. I would be interested in experimenting with how we could enjoy ourselves for a period of time and just be playful. I’m not sure if I even want him to penetrate me with his penis… but there are so many other ways to play and have fun and be mutually satisfied… I’d think. But why do I feel guilty by entertaining the thought? I know my whole heart and soul wouldn’t be into it and that doesn’t seem fair to anyone him or myself. But then another part of me is like when I first was entertaining having a partner. I wanted to be good at it. So I found people to practice with. Lol… am I at a stage where I want to find practice partners? Maybe I am… but I’m so picky and I’d actually be looking for someone who is picky as well. That’s maybe why I’m interested in my Thailand friend… he’s very self sufficient too hehe… he called himself my boyfriend or lover boy in his voice message to me this morning… I replayed it and was like… did he just call himself that? Lol… I know I’ve been doing a bit of flirting with him back though. For some reason when I was talking about an interview I used the term we were mutually interested in each other… he thought I was talking about a date and he mentioned that he was happy for me to find soulmate. To myself I was thinking… well I have found the Australian man but I haven’t mentioned him to my friend… at least not that I remember… again we didn’t share ceremony and that’s when I usually have my opening to discuss him to my guests so they know where I am with any funny stuff… I’m not interested in going there with them. Even though I tell my guests this… it doesn’t stop them from trying to get a chance with me. And then I have to be more direct and sometimes in ways I’d wish it wouldn’t have to come to. But anyway… what am I wanting to do with my friend? This is the time to make things clear with him. And maybe I need more clarification on to what he’s thinking. He likes to beat around the bush and be subtle and imply meaning into our conversations without just saying what he wants to say. I can relate to this but I feel we need a conversation where we’re just straight forward with him… i think we’ve been having fun playing around with each other… but now let’s see what we really want. So yeah… we message each other mostly and sometimes he sends voice messages… but I think we can use a face to face conversation. Have a heart to heart.. He has now done Bufo and who knows if he went further but I can see how it went and then see if we can get to the opportunity to discuss this underlay of emotions and curiosity we have with one another. I feel like he’s a romantic… I can really relate with him a lot and that’s why I don’t think we’re going to be compatible because I know ultimately I’m waiting for the one and I know he deserves to have the one for him as well… and I’m not that. But can I be a temporary experience?

Holy shit… has all this sexual shit been coming into my experience because it’s something I’m trying to ignore as not an issue? I didn’t know how far it would slap me in my face of addressing it… but geesh… I thought I’ve been working through it fairly well. I’ve been trying to work on it slow and steady and it’s not like it’s the only thing I’m working on either… hehe… but yeah I feel this is something to address. And as I’m writing this more memories of my ceremonies continue to play in my head. Do you guys remember me talking about spiritual healing semen… hehe… well again… since I don’t have access to the “choice” semen I’m wanting… can I find alternatives? I know I can transmute from my last craziness during a ceremony with the jungle guy I met who triggered this message of healing semen… hehe… it’s so funny writing this out because I know how crazy it sounds to many who will read this… but I don’t care how crazy it sounds… it’s what’s going on in my mind and i’m trying to process through it. Did I go into all the experiments I was thinking I was going to have to do to figure out what semen I would allow into my digestion.. hehe… I wanted the healthiest I could find… and is that also something subliminally speaking to me? I painted those pictures a while back… I feel like one of my paintings I shared had semen swimming around in a subtle way until I mention what it is and then it’s obvious. Maybe I didn’t share that painting because I have issues uploading files that are too large for this forum. But I did find it funny that it was still reminding me of this message and is it now time to address it in a more direct manner? Maybe so… wowzers… what a rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions I’ve just experienced from the start of this Journal entry to now. I know I’m not so concerned with my incident yesterday. I know I’m getting myself out of that mess and I’m not overly concerned about helping them out at this time. I’m ok with moving away as peacefully as possible. And now I’m ready to see how to have a heart to heart with my friend in Thailand. I’m not really sure where I am but it’ll be nice to hear where he might be… which he probably doesn’t know either.. but maybe we can talk it out and see where it leads. I can’t believe I”m really entertaining this.

I had been thinking about visiting him while I head to Nepal, but I was also planning on visiting a few other friends on my way there too. I want to get to Nepal in the upcoming year and as I was looking at flights.. being in Utah I can go either Pacific Ocean or Atlantic.. there’s not much difference. But if I went Atlantic way there seemed to be longer flights and I think about taking my buddy Elvis with me and trying to figure out how to travel to make him as comfortable as possible. When I looked at flights Pacific way I noticed I was looking into areas where there are friends I’d go and visit. I’ve got one of the original twelve who is on the big island of Hawaii who I want to visit. I have another friend in Kyoto, Japan. Another friend who is around Taiwan. My friend in Thailand and then head over to Nepal from there. It seems like it would be tricky taking Elvis with me so I thought maybe I’ll have to figure something else out instead. I guess I entertain many possibilities often and so I like to give my mind a chance to explore and see how things play out. It would be really nice to make that trip and share ceremony with my friends with Elvis with me regardless of how challenging it is to find flights and ways of transportation to allow cats to accompany… but there are ways… and I’ll find them when the times comes. Now whether they’re the best way or not.. I usually find that out after the fact… hehe… but yeah I think this is a good time to take a break. I’m not sure how this weekend will play out. But I think I’ll start off by making lunch and I’ll go ahead a run the bath to soak and just be in my own space for awhile and see where it guides me from there. Ok… until next time…

withinUverse · November 26, 2023

Alright… so I got a response from the Krishna temple saying they have a million things to do, and if I’d want to come and help they’ll be grateful for it. Not in these words but the implication. So I did end up getting out of the condo and went to volunteer my time. When I walked in there were two volunteers there and I asked if the wife was there, and they said she was resting. Which I understand because she had a fall a week ago and is trying to rest. So I said alright she told me there are a million things to do and I came to work. What can I help with? They looked at each other as if they were surprised to hear that. One said well she doesn’t know of anything, but she’ll call the wife and see what she says. After she got off the phone she said well you can cut the squash. I started to chuckle and said well I like to cook so that would not be a problem. So the other volunteer showed me into the kitchen and started to get me ready to help cut the squash. I spoke to him a bit more because we were in the same space and so we got a little acquainted. It wasn’t long before I said I am a shaman in training (which gets misinterpreted, but any way) and I work with Ayahuasca. He actually said that he was interested in exploring that avenue as well. We had a few comments where he noticed I had been doing some spiritual work… and I mentioned things that maybe he hasn’t had direct experience with by the words he said. Darn it… I didn’t get permission but I’m not going to say anything to point a finger at him… so anyway he was telling me his interpretation of what they believe and he was focusing on us as humans are souls. We reincarnate over and over again until we become better to where we don’t have to return here to the physical world. At least that was what the interpretation of what I heard him say. He asked if this is something similar to what I’ve received. And I said there are some similarities. I’ll take the stance of my working knowledge of infinite existence. Which I can see how reincarnation can relate to this but my understanding of the physical world may differ since our perception of physicality isn’t so black and white to what most assume. We continued chatting and he happened to mention how we have to bare the physical world and hope to one day make it better. I said or… we are already living perfection but we have to gain more awareness to realize this. He gave a curious look but he shortly left after this. And I knew we enjoyed our time together. He came back for a second to the kitchen to grab something and said. Ok well you didn’t get rid of me quite yet… I said… I never wanted to get rid of you… you are leaving. I was implying that we were having a good conversation and we continue to get to know each other, but he has planned it out to when he was going to leave instead of open and flexible to stay a little longer. But of course it was not our time to continue. So I finished cutting up the butternut squash. I ended up getting a little bit of an allergic reaction? Maybe not really but it had an orange film on my hand and it was drying my hands out and I tried to get it off and use lotion but it wasn’t helping. Later that night I took a bath and got most of it off but it wasn’t until I woke up this morning that it was officially gone. But I hadn’t had that happen to me before and I found out that happens to people from time to time… to next time just use gloves and there’s nothing wrong with the squash itself… hehe… I just hadn’t had that reaction before. But anywho. I took my tools to the sink and went ahead and cleaned all the dishes that were already in the sink. I went back out and spoke to the first volunteer. She was sitting at a table with a lot of flowers. I asked her if there is anything I can help her with? And she said no. I asked her what she’s making. She said she’s making a garland. I asked if they were for Sunday? and she said no just to make them… I restated that I received a message from the wife saying there are a million things to do. It takes me close to an hour to get here by bus and walking… I was hoping to stay here for hours to work to make it worth my time. She said, well the wife will be here but she’s coming in an hour. I thanked her and I started to think well… I’ll text the wife. I was joking with her that there’s only nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred ninety-eight things for me to do… but she seems to be the only one who knows what those are. I said I’m going to wait around until she returns to the temple in an hour. So I went outside to say hello to the llamas and the peacocks. We had our first snow so I was walking around checking out the beauty from the snow on the mountains and all the shrubs and trees… and it was fluffy and packable. Perfect for snowball fights. I happened to notice a gentleman working in the garden by himself… so I went ahead and made my way to him and asked if he could use an extra hand. He asked if I was a devotee and I said I am not but I’m hoping to help out. He said… so you’re looking for something to do right now? And I said yes, do you have anything for me and he said… well yeah I think I can have you start clearing out the string that are tied to the posts in the garden which was helping support the height of the plants. He plans on tilling and we need to get the garden cleared. He asked if I had a knife, I didn’t but I said I can have one next time. He grabbed one and I started to go to work. He is not a devotee either. The husband actually hired him and he does get paid but he usually only works about 20 hours a week. He’s really sweet but I can tell he’s not too comfortable socially but I’m usually pretty good in these situations because I don’t have to be social. Being quiet especially working in a garden is very enjoyable. He has Native American heritage and he has a big family who have pretty much all left the reservations because there’s not much there for them to live really. I chuckled to myself because he tries to steer clear of the wife… he definitely likes engaging with the husband on matters. He believes the wife likes control and likes to get mad at everyone. He usually gets yelled at once or twice a week by her… so he likes to have less interaction with her as possible. So I finished helping him and he was able to pick up the posts behind me and we put everything into the truck and took it back to the temple. I asked if he wanted to exchange numbers so when he hasn’t something I can help with he can let me know. He didn’t want to do that. He said are you coming tomorrow. I said if they have something for me to do, then yes I’ll be back. but if not I’ll just stay home and relax. He said well you coming on Sunday? I said that’s the only day I cannot come because the buses don’t run. and he said oh… and I said… well I’ll be back and we’ll go from there. So I headed back into the temple. I noticed I got a message from the wife because I wasn’t there when she first arrived and thought I left. I texted her that I was helping the husband’s worker and I’m heading inside to chat. And when I entered we actually got time to chat one on one. Well first I had to get the television working and I was chuckling because I said I don’t watch tv much so maybe I can help… I think I can, but it’s not a guarantee… hehe… but we got it working and she was happy. And then we started talking. She wanted to know why I’m there and wanting to volunteer. There’s a lot into our conversation, but I was telling her I’m spiritual and I’m a shaman who work with indigenous in the Amazon. There aren’t many locations for me to look for fellow shamans. Unlike this Krishna organization where they can travel around the world and visit their temples they know where to find their community. I figured since raising consciousness is their mission, I figured I’d find fellow spiritualist who I can commune with.

As we are talking I noticed that I can see why people might seem she’s cold just because she doesn’t have the smiley and laughing personality. She’s got the all business personality going on. But it’s not really cold… I can see she has high expectations and expects we also share in her high expectations. She’s very observant and there are times she chuckles but it’s not something she does unless she’s really enjoying the conversation. But yes… I like her. So I understand why she is hesitant of having a non devotee coming into the temple asking to volunteer… I”m not quite sure she’s hearing me say shaman, but I know I’ve said it… and I know I’ll continue to say it until it sinks in. But she wanted to hear about me. And so I was telling her things I used to do and what I do now.. and just a bit of why I found myself here in Utah. I told her I’m not a traditional spiritualist, but she heard that I’m not structured… which makes me chuckle, but I definitely understand why she assumes that since I’m living a life with more freedom than what she’s accustomed to. So she said she’d like me to come to a Sunday service. She knows about my public transportation so she said that she can offer a place for me to stay for Saturday and join them on Sunday and then stay Sunday night to leave on the bus on Monday. But she gets really weird people coming in there and so she wants to run a criminal background check on me. And she wants me to get character referrals before she lets me stay the night on property. I said I think that’s smart and that it wouldn’t be a problem. During our conversation she made a point that she does not tolerate lies. If it’s found that I have told a lie then she will ask me to leave. I respected that, BUT… it was funny becasue when I woke up this morning I thought… well she told a lie… or a fib… I know she was speaking quickly through the part of them being a non-profit organization and so no one gets paid. First of all I already met a gentleman who does get paid… but honestly I don’t know if she knows the husband pays him. But I also thought when I was looking into creating a non-profit that staff members absolutely can get paid… especially the president and vice president who the husband and wife are. Now they might not get a salary… I’m not sure, but I feel that’s their choice and their choice not to pay for stay and only have volunteers. But I decided not to bring this up… at least not yet… hehe… but what does she consider a lie. But truthfully after today doing some more volunteer work… I got to like her even more. She has been working very hard to run this temple and I’m sure its tasking working with volunteers who are not there for consistent amounts of time and not necessarily wanting to work. She’s probably found that if something has to be done, she’ll have to do it herself. But she now has injuries. I got the story of why she fell. They have llamas on the property that I’ve already mentioned. They usually keep the males and females separated so they manage their breeding. Because it gets so cold and snowy in the winter here… they prefer not to have any babies born right before or during the winter for safety and the wellness of the llamas. Well I guess sometime last year a volunteer didn’t close the gates behind themselves and the males ended up in the female quarters and they now have two baby llamas. She saw all the females gathering together huddling around each other and so she knew something was up and that’s what they do when there’s a birth. So she went over to see and saw there were two newborns. They were on top of the hill and it was raining.. so she picked up one of the babies to carry it to shelter and she ended up tripping and falling. The baby actually helped prevent her from even more severe injuries but it just got right up and ran away. She however couldn’t. She had broken ribs and couldn’t breathe. Thankfully there was someone with her and they helped her back but for a week now it’s hard for her to breathe but she wants to breathe deeply so she doesn’t get pneumonia. Her energy is low because it’s focusing on healing her.. but it hurts to cough and laugh. She was using her arms and hands more often since she couldn’t really use her core and she ended up fracturing her wrist which was injured but increase with the excessive use. So she’s not in the best of shape right now. I was joking with her that maybe it’s a sign she can use some rest. She said no one will let her. And I was hoping to show her… that if she wants something done, I’ll do it. And hopefully she’ll see I can be very efficient with it as well. She really enjoyed my background with what I studied in college. I was telling her interior design and art with a bit of architecture. She actually designed the temple and she does amazing portrait paintings for the temple herself. So there was a little bit of something in common that was obvious to her. Anyway… she told me that there are projects for me to do if I want to return tomorrow. But to get there early… people will start arriving between 9 and 9:30. I said I can be here around that time it will just depend on the bus schedule. So I went home and relaxed in the tub with a soak. I didn’t feel like I wanted to do any ceremony. I did message a little with my Thailand friend… I said maybe it’s time to actually chat?

So I woke up and as I was heading out of the apartment… my neighbor and I opened our doors at the same time to leave. He didn’t really want to look me in the eyes and I just said in a joyful voice… well hello there. He said hello and walked quickly on. I was heading to the bus stop and while I was walking I saw he drove by. Later he messaged me to see if I needed a ride back from Walmart? I said I actually went to volunteer at the temple again and I didn’t know how long I was going to be there, but thanks anyway. So I noticed I wasn’t afraid of him. I also noticed that I’m not really disgusted with him. That’s just the level of consciousness he’s at. Now do I feel this is high conscious action? No… I feel there are far more healthier ways for him to be handling his and his families fetishes.. but I cannot demonize him. He doesn’t know any better or he’d be doing it. I’m still trying to get paid as well… so hopefully he’ll see that I’m not judging them and I’m not scared of them.. and I’ll still treat them with respect and kindness. So hopefully there’s somewhere in his heart he can realize that I do deserve to get paid for the hours I’ve worked for him. So I’m still hopeful. But I have already asked about two different positions. One will be a cook and server at IHOP. And then another one came up while I was volunteering. There was a group there were they live in a group home and there’s a therapeutic company who helps them and they’re hiring. She said they have locations everywhere even in Payson. I looked it up and they’re not hiring in Payson, but its an option. But I’ll see how it plays out actually. Today went really well with the volunteering so I kind of want to see how tomorrow goes. Let’s get back to the morning of volunteer work. Oh I did want to mention how extremely nice these Utah bus drivers are. I’ve had two of them drop me off right at the road of the temple so I don’t have to walk along the highway. And this morning I was trying to use the transit app and it wasn’t taking my payment and I noticed I didn’t bring my wallet so I was like crap. I don’t have time to walk back and make it on time to the temple. On Saturdays they run every hour not half hour. So I went ahead and showed the bus driver my issue and said I’m trying to go and volunteer at the temple and she said that it’s fine for me to ride. She even gave me a transfer until 5:15pm. I was very thankful and she dropped me closer to the temple too. But anyway I’ve really enjoyed my experience with the public transportation here. Ok.. now let’s go back to the morning…

So I got there around 9:15am. The WOOFER who arrived the night before was there. She’s from DC and has Filipino decent but grew up in Guam. She’s been in the US for six years now… Four for college and two working for nonprofits. She finished with a political major. We ate lunch together and I got some of these details. I can see she’s a sweetheart and definitely doesn’t know how to handle the wife… hehe… but she was left with me most of the time she was working so she’s in safe hands. And the wife will get what she wants done to be done… so everyone wins. The wife took us outside and was telling us what she wanted done. I went ahead and grabbed my phone to write things down. But I ended up remembering everything. We had to change out the water for the babies and the parents. they are separated from the groups and so they don’t have heated water. There area also needed a bit of mucking out. We went to the garden and we had to wrap up the irrigation hoses that were flushed out last weekend. We needed to make sure there wasn’t any trash, metal, or large rocks in the garden so it’s safe to till the land. There were piles of sunflowers which were pulled. And we were to take it to the side of the property that neighbors a junkyard with ugly fences and she’s hoping to lay the sunflowers along the fence so the seeds can grow and hopefully disguise the fence. She was looking at our clothing and was questionable if we had proper attire. The WOOFER is living on property so I went with her to the place so she can grab warmer clothes and shoes and gloves. I thought I would be fine, and I was. Once I got moving I was going to get warm anyway. But the house was pretty cool. All the exotic birds are inside for the winter and many of them are just roaming around the home. A cat I met the first day was in there and he so super chill… so I loved on him again. I’m not used to birds still and looks like they could be a bit messy to keep around. But they are really cool, and I ran into the grey African parrot again. I was told by one of the volunteers that maybe his name is Ram… hehe. But anyway the WOOFER asked what should be do first? Well I said I was thinking after we muck we’re supposed to put it in the garden to fertilize… so let’s clearing out the garden first and then finish with the llamas and maybe we can spend some extra time loving on them if we keep it for the end. She said that would be fine. I didn’t know at that time that she had agreed to only work for four hours… so she was wanting to work until one o’clock. So we started in the garden. Oh so… even though we were told what to do… we didn’t really get told exactly how to do it and where the tools exactly are… we were told the buildings and hopefully volunteers have returned them. But we both are new to everything the location and the chores given to us… hehe but we figured it all out. We spoke a bit while we were working in the garden. I was asking her about WOOFER and what she’s done with it. This is the first time for her to try it. Normally WOOFERs don’t come for the winter but she spoke to the husband of possibly trying to grow lettuce and possibly cabbage or spinach in the green house. The wife said if she wants to she can give it a try, but she’s not going to have anyone next to her telling her how to do it. She’ll have to figure it out. I told her about the husband’s worker who is familiar with the green house so maybe he’ll help set her up? I did ask him about it and by the end of the conversation he said that maybe he will talk to her… hehe. But again… she asked about me and I told her my spiritual path and she tooo has heard about Ayahuasca. I asked how did she hear about it… it’s not that common even though it’s starting to gain some popularity in some circles. She knows a friend of a friend who has done it. And she also has another friend who studies psychedelic studies. Her friend hasn’t ever tried psychedelics which she finds unusual for her to be interested in studying therapeutic purposes for psychedelics. I kind of explained that there’s a term of entheogen I like to use to help promote the intention of using psychedelics for spiritual purposes. We didn’t get into too much detail but she did say that it’s cool to hear my spiritual journey so far. I mentioned that I’m not sure if my way of traveling down the spiritual path will mesh well with this traditional style of this community. But I also said… I’m in observation mode to see if this is a location I’d like to continue to spend time with yet. We worked well with each other. And I wasn’t completely aware of how the agreement of working were and the wife was a little annoyed that we took lunch during her four hours and so she didn’t actually put in four hours she was suppose to. I understood after the fact and I understood her concern. Of course this doesn’t involve me directly as of now. I’m just here volunteering and see if I can see myself continue helping here. During lunch the wife said there is going to be a group coming in for about an hour. She’d like for us to join them. I said that’s fine I’ll meet them there. The WOOFER and I at the time didn’t think she was talking to her because we had it that she was leaving at one and that the group is coming after that. So I went outside to continue to finish the projects before the group came. I didn’t have a lot of time but I thought I could at least get a large pile of sunflowers loaded into the truck. The wife said that she wants me to supervise the group. I can stop working on the current project and just have this group finish with you. I said ok that sounds good. We were waiting for the group and they were running late which i guess is very common… hehe. But they did arrive and the wife said she was going to greet them and then hand them over to me. It actually went really well working together. She was joking around with the group and I was able to compliment her actions and mannerisms. I noticed the husband was watching us working together from the desk. I notice the wife looking at him… so I know they are seeing how well we’re meshing together. I can be very observant as well… I enjoy being around awareness and they do too. As the group and I were heading out the wife said that I should show them the babies… and so I did and told them the story of how the wife got injured. I split them into groups. A few came with me and the truck to lay the sunflowers along the fence… while the others pulled the rest of the sunflowers out. Everyone in the group was very helpful and efficient. It didn’t take us long to finish the job, and so we went back to the temple so they can get a quick tour. Another volunteer that I briefly met the day before gave them the tour. He wanted to give me a tour earlier when I was eating lunch but I told him I’d rather get my work done before the tour. I had already toured myself and I’ve been listening to him… and he’s a good guy but many of his knowledge is theoretical and not be actualized through direct experience. So I know he was going to tell me all he knows when I know that he doesn’t know as much as he thinks he knows… hehe… so I really wasn’t interested but since I was with the group and we did finish everything up.. so I went ahead and joined them. After the group left I knew I was going to have to find something else to do… I forgot to put everything away… I remembered before I left… but the husband’s worker came in to let me know that I left my purse in the truck. I knew I did, but because I didn’t put things up I thought I’d be returning after the group left, but he came in shortly after. I went ahead and asked him again if he could use a hand. He said he could but was worried I wouldn’t make the bus on time. He said it would at least take an hour… I had two hours and we should be fine. If he’d like some help… I’ve got the time. So he said ok come on then. He was heading to the dump. He goes about every ten days… mostly trash from the buffet. I hadn’t been in that area before and having two people take the trash out… it went quickly. It was set up similarly to how the little Colorado town had it. They seemed to have areas where recycling was separated which wasn’t present in the Colorado station we went to. But we had to fill up a portable gas container for machines on the property. We went to the area where I had went the first time to look at the Bolivian girl’s car which is broken down in the garage. well.. I guess all the houses there are part of the property and they rent them out. Many are vacant or has open rooms available. There was one were a young lady is leaving and had extra stuff she didn’t need anymore so we placed it in the horse trailer we were using. He went ahead and took me inside so I can see how they look. It’s vintage for sure, but spacious. It would actually be cool to have my own place with Elvis… even if we have to share space… even though the birds are cool and also the cat… I’d much rather have our own space. But I didn’t know they had so many options.

It gets my mind going… hehe… we returned to the temple and I asked him about the project of removing the sludge from the koi pond. He was surprised I knew about it but I said I was there when they brought it up. So I didn’t know if they decided which day they were going to do it. He said he didn’t know. If he said a day then most likely it’ll change so he’d be telling me something wrong. I asked again if he wanted to exchange numbers and he can just message me and I’ll make my way to help. He said that I can come and help. the more the easier… but he said I’ll be around and I’ll find out when it’s going to happen… i told him I don’t know if I’m going to be returning this week. I’m still trying to figure out my work situation. I said things will work out… I’ll see him again soon. I had about 45 minutes left before I needed to be at the bus stop. I spoke to the tour volunteer for a little bit as I waited. i then remembered I forgot to clean up after myself… so I went outside to do so and the wife was walking into the temple. She knew I’d be leaving shortly for the bus. She said… can you write down your address… she’s going to have one of the volunteers come and get me tomorrow so I can participate in Sunday service. I said that would be wonderful. So I wrote it down and left. She happened to mention that she’ll send a volunteer to go check out Walmart… i told her that I live close to the Walmart in the town I’m staying at. She said well maybe you can just go there for me. I said that wouldn’t be a problem. She said to call her when I get there. She was looking for warmer sweaters to put on the baby llamas. Kids sweaters can be altered to fit them. So I said I can do that as I was walking out the door to get to the bus stop. Well… by the time I got to the stop I checked the app again and it was telling me I had to wait another hour…. So I missed it. So I turned around and stuck my finger out. And it didn’t work yesterday, but today… it did. It didn’t take long for a truck with a father, son, and son’s friend pulled over to give me a ride. I asked if I could be dropped off at the Walmart and he said he’ll take me wherever I need to go. He’s done some hitchhiking himself so he has a soft spot for people who still do it. Well I thanked him and had really good conversation with him. Oh he also had his little Yorkie, Cloey in the car too… sooooo sweet and let me pet her belly most of the ride. He dropped off the friend and started to talk kind of about hobbies. He and his son loves to learn and so they love starting new projects. They are working on cars right now. His son got a “kit” and building it. He’s been painting lately and it’s not as easy as he thought it would be to get it to look right. They also have been learning how to sail. They got an old one so they can practice, but maybe in the future they’ll sail it from Washington state to Alaska. Of course I’m encouraging them. When he was dropping me off he said he’s like a kindred brother from another mother… because there were many similarities we have about creativity and building. I almost asked him for his number… but I don’t know how people will respond to being so forward. I mean I don’t know many here, but I know I’d enjoy hanging out with those two. Shoot even helping them with their vehicles would be cool… and they said I should learn how to sail… and said I’ve already been looking into it. One day… it’s coming.

So I went in and sent pictures and videos to the wife. She ended up looking up for herself on the Walmart app and found something she liked but wasn’t at the store. So she’s going to have it mailed to the property. I came home loved on Elvis and cooked my dinner… and shortly after my roommate and her daughter returned. My roommate was coughing and I thought it sounded like she caught a cold over at her parents but she said it’s because of my pipe smoke. Which I have no clue how it could be detected… lol… but it just makes me want to get my own place even more. I feel like I’m making her sick and I don’t want to do that. And I’m in progress of being more conscious with my smoking behavior but to completely stop is not now. Yeah the wife at the temple said she could smell smoke on me. I told her that I’m working on my relationship but I’m hoping to learn from the tobacco plant in ceremony. Again I don’t think she’s really hearing what I’m saying. There are things that I don’t follow in their ways… that’s the unstructured she says and thinks that could do me good. I’m sure some structure could… but losing my freedom to decide whether it’s true or not will not be taken away from me. As long as they’re not trying to convert me… we should all work well together. I hope to learn from them… and hopefully they’re open to learn from me as well. Shoot… I’d love to be able to connect with Spiritual leaders. I’d like to show how shamanism can be effective for spiritual practices as well. So we’ll see how it goes… but I’m curious to see how this all plays out. I think this is good for tonight. I got the sleep mask that my Thailand friend recommended delivered today. I’ll start to try it out for sleeping and see when I’ll be able to do the 24 hour blackout in the future. But I’m getting tired. So until next time…

withinUverse · November 27, 2023

Well, well… very interesting. So today I was supposed to be picked up so I can go to the Sunday service which starts at 5pm. In the morning I received a call from the wife at the temple and she asked when I was planning on coming. I said that I think it starts at 5, correct? I plan on cleaning up my space, taking a soak in the tub, and having some time with my cat and then I’ll be able to come. I asked her what time did she want me to go? And she said I’m welcome to come at anytime. So I got the number of the volunteer who was going to be picking me up. I was messaging him but I was also running my bath water and I don’t know I went right in when it was ready and I missed his text where he was going to pick me up at 1. By the time I finished my soak and getting ready it was ten til 1 and so I apologized and asked if he was on his way. I also got a message from my neighbor the autobody owner asking if I needed a ride to the temple today. He was planning on going that direction and if I wanted to go, then he’ll take me. I told him that someone is already planning on picking me up, but thank you. So… it seems like my neighbor isn’t that uncomfortable with me. He didn’t mention anything about paying me, but we’ll see what happens in the morning because usually I go to work with them. And… I’m not going to be going until we address the hours I haven’t been paid for yet. But I got picked up and headed towards the temple.

I started to have a conversation with the volunteer. I’m not sure if I clearly stated that this gentleman is very kind and loves to tell tales of Krishna and recite the stories. It’s really nice and possibly interesting if one hasn’t actually done any spiritual work. That’s honestly why I didn’t want a tour with him because I knew how he was going to be the day before. But I didn’t want to entertain it either on the ride to the temple. I found a time to go ahead and tell him that I’m a shaman who’s been working on Spirituality and have gain many insights and understanding by primarily using Ayahuasca. He kind of was shocked about that. He said he has actually looked into Aya but what do I think about him not thinking Aya will work for him. That he won’t need to do it. I said… listen to yourself. You’ll know better than anyone else. He said thank you, that’s what he thought. I also mentioned that Aya is intense and powerful… it’s not a game to play so trying it out isn’t the best approach. As we mature in our practice maybe later we find that we can be ready to share space with Aya then do it… but maybe that will never come and that’s just fine too. He asked if it can be scary? I said some do get scared… but many who try don’t really study spirituality before going in… so they might not understand where spirituality leads. If we find out we’re not human… it’s hard to manage our sanity if we’re not prepared. He asked if I’ve had direct experience of the body not being us. I said yes I have, but I don’t use those terms. He was surprised and didn’t know what to say and we arrived to temple. He confirmed that Ayahuasca wouldn’t be for people who aren’t mature in spiritual practices… I said that’s fair to say that and if they intuitively know they’re not ready… then listen to that. There’s no need to force anything.

Now, I knew since I went there early I was going to be helping out. But I figured it would be inside the temple most likely the kitchen to prepare for the dinner after service. But that was not the case.. the wife asked me to go outside and help clear the leaves from the rocks so it doesn’t start to create soil under the rocks and weeds and plants won’t have the chance to pop through. She also wanted to get the llama areas mucked out. I was a little surprised she wanted me to do this, but really I’m not too surprised, but I definitely see that she really wants me to work for her. There was a Hispanic guy I met the first time I was there who has to put in a specific amount of hours for community service. So we were working together. We started out with the leaves but the blower I had ran out of gas, and there wasn’t any left so I said I’ll let him finish the leaves and I’ll go and start mucking out the llama area. I really love being around the llamas and the peacocks. The peacocks roam but many will be in the area with the llamas as well because it has shelter. But I love being around the animals. I talk to them quite a bit… I’m getting them use to my presence and my voice. The two baby llamas were up and walking around too. They opened up the area so they could roam and it was too cute to see one of them following mama. The other one was trying to get milk from a female who wasn’t his mother… hehe… so I helped him get to his mom. Momma saw me with her baby and was running towards us humming loud. I told her I’m not doing anything I’m just bringing the baby to her. So I stepped away and cleared a space for her to get to the baby. And then they were happy. There was quite a bit of mucking to do. Yesterday we only mucked out the area where the babies were being kept. And today it was the whole female area. I used a wheel barrel, a rake, and a shovel. I don’t know if anyone has tried to muck llama dung… but using a shovel alone doesn’t work to well. We found that out yesterday but there were two of us so we scooped it into each others shovels. Since I was by myself I grabbed the rake to move it onto the shovel and then dump it out in the wheel barrel. After it’s full we take it to the garden and spread it around for fertilizer. I got three full wheel barrels full. Since I had to go back and forth a few times… I like noticing the more I did it the less scared the females were with me. It seemed like they knew there was no reason to run and if I just kept doing my business without fussing with them. They just let me move around them fairly easily. A few of them came pretty close to me. I just continue to talk to them. I love hearing there humming and the variety of sounds but I think I can get an idea of what they’re saying. The ones I’ve noticed is… is hey I don’t feel comfortable with you right now. And another was the mom letting her baby know where she was. I finally understand which section are females and which are the males. I was talking to the handsome males… they’re right next to the ladies and asked them if it’s challenging being so close yet so far away… hehe… I’m really enjoying being around their presence. There’s a two month old llama and it was getting pretty curious with me, but didn’t get too close… but…. Maybe I can get a little closer the more I’m around them. I’d love to be able to pet them easier. If I had carrots they’d come right up to me, but I don’t usually have anything to give to them. I’m hoping they’ll let me love on them a little bit. I’d love that. While I was working the volunteer who brought me to the temple was walking by and asked me why I don’t just move in there. I said I’m thinking about it. But I’m making sure I have a job to have money before I decide. He was happy to hear this… But once I finished the mucking for the females. The guy also working was finished with the leaves. We spoke a bit. He told me where he was from in Mexico. He and his brother have been in the states for about three years now. We got into a conversation about ourselves a little bit and yes he asked if I was a member of the temple and said I am not… my spiritual path led me to shamanism. He thought that was good. We didn’t get into to too many details but we got a chance to get to know each other a little better. He was heading to the male area to muck and said hopefully we’ll see each other next weekend. I had about an hour before the service so I took a smoke break and was observing the stunning scenery. There were random rays of the sun shooting through the clouds covering the snow capped mountains. It’s really beautiful even if it’s mostly grays and whites. The snow is melting and I think we’ll have a few days of warm weather and next weekend we’re supposed to get more snow. I saw a small group looking at the llamas and so I went up and asked if they noticed the babies yet. They hadn’t and so I pointed them out and told them they’re only a week old. I chatted a little bit with them and asked if they were going to the service or not. They were just passing through.

I went back into the temple to wait and there was a new guy there who was selling spiritual books. I started to have a conversation with him and yes I mentioned the shamanism and he mentioned he had experiences with shamans where they were sacrificing a llama. I affirmed that I have never sacrificed an animal for ceremony. We work with plant medicine and specifically Ayahuasca. The husband was walking into our space at the time and the new guy mentioned to the husband that I work for an Ayahuasca retreat. I corrected him that I’m a shaman in training to hold space for Aya ceremonies. We’re in the works of building a retreat. He apologized because he assumed when I mentioned Aya that was what I meant. I guess there were was a volunteer who did a few ceremonies. He didn’t know much about it. It didn’t seem like he wanted to hear about it so I left it like that. He seemed like he had scripted some of the lines to start conversations with people. He was saying how he believes that everything in the physical world belongs to Krishna or God. I said do you mean that everything is God? He said no it belongs to God. He then said well I’m not sure what you call it… God or Pachamama? I said I say Infinite Intelligence. He just looked at me and then asked me if I had read any of the spiritual books and I said no. I have a basic understanding. I have a manual that I’ve been working through for years but I find I start over from the beginning many times now. He didn’t really go into it because he was trying to sell me three of them but thankfully a lady came up to the table and distracted him. He was in selling mode so I crept away. Took off my shoes and made my way up to the temple. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do… this is the first time experiencing a service so I wasn’t sure what to expect. They did have a program of the sequence so that helped prepare me. There were different areas for people to choose to sit and options to sit on the floor on the mats. I first started along the side… then moved to the seats facing the sermon area, but by the time we started… I ended up sitting on the floor between the new guy and a father and daughter. I’d say there were around twenty people there… so it was an intimate setting. The husband started his introduction. I was listening and then he started talking about psychedelics. And what he said surprised me… actually it’s not that surprising but darn it… my first reaction is surprised, but when I think it about it for a second then ‘m like… I guess this would be the common reaction. He was saying that of course they can show us the “high”. But it also drops up in the deep depths into the darkness. It has holes in the foundation. Krishna wants us to use tools from natural sources only…. Lol… I definitely want to have a conversation with him about his beliefs. First I’d like to know where he came up with his opinion. Definitely not from experience, but possibly he has tried it and found this to be true in his experience… I’m not sure. But I also want to know his meaning about natural sources only.

There was a lot of chanting which I expected but I didn’t know how repetitive it was going to be… which isn’t bad just didn’t know what to expect. I was observing my response to this singing and chanting and I noticed I wasn’t fully engaged. I was a bit hesitant but I also was trying to participate in a small capacity. So I was singing but not every time they repeated it. I liked watching the musicians and the singers though. Some of the congregation were also clapping along. There was a section where the husband had his sermon… I know this isn’t the proper terms they would use but this is what I know to call things. I was listening and for the most part I agreed with its intention mostly. He really wanted to focus on not focusing on the negativity and frustration of how far along in our development. We are masterpieces in progress. Krishna is the maker and is controlling everything. So if we just realize we are a work in progress until Krishna is finished with us. I wasn’t sure what finished meant, but later I heard him say that eventually we’ll reincarnate onto a spiritual planet where we’ll be graced by Krishna’s presence at all times. That’s where we’re working for. I know they use the term infinity, but it seems like they haven’t connected infinity doesn’t allow finality or death. I wonder how conversations will go when I speak with the husband and wife about spirituality? I’d feel like they might be open to speak about it, but I’m also wondering if they’d get offended? But there was something a bit peculiar that went on though too. So as the husband was speaking there was a little young girl who was kind of making noise… not really but kind of. And he was making it quite obvious that she is disrupting his talk. It wasn’t really even noticeable but his actions… really made it apparent it was going on. It wasn’t a one and done thing… I think he did this three different time and making it a “thing” each time… like staring at her in a stern look as if… how and why would you be speaking while I’m speaking? I mean… the little girl was whispering to herself and playing with the carpet and her feet. I mean she was pretty adorable. And I thought it was more distracting noticing his reaction than this three year olds behavior. I thought maybe I was the only one who was like.. what’s his problem? But I was talking to someone later who brought it up and said that he was embarrassed that the husband acts that way. And it’s a common occurrence. He said that the summers are more crowded which means more children and every Sunday he makes a big deal if a child makes noises while he is talking. He sees it as a very egotistical statement that he hates to watch. It makes him want to walk out because it disturbs him that much. He said there’s a beautiful little child being a child… that shouldn’t be a reason for my leader to be upset by that. I agreed that it was a bit disturbing… I kept thinking to myself… she’s not even being loud… why is he making it such a big deal? But we ended up standing up and chanting again with a bit of dance. I was trying to move a bit but again I wasn’t too inspired to do so. They came around with the candle where in the program said we can wave our right hand over it and touch our foreheads… so I did this. Then they came around and sprinkled water on heads. After the chant there was a closing song where we can get up and get our tika and sip the holy water. This is similar to communion so I wanted to participate in it. The service was finished and the evening closes with dinner. Now that I think about it… the wife was there before the service but wasn’t there through or after service. I know she’s resting but I thought she might want to commune with the community who came, but to each their own. I got in line to eat and a guy who overheard my conversation with the book guy said to meet this young lady. We would have good conversations. I introduced myself but I also forgot to put away my phone so I did that real quick. By the time I came back the young lady and the sweet Filipino girl were chatting through the line. I spoke to the Filipino girl coming down the steps. It was the first time for both of us to participate in this and both found it interesting. I knew I was going to be sitting with them and so I sat and started to observe the conversation. The young lady was a bit domineering with the conversation and was very forward with how she is. She was mentioning she has a strong mind and when she was growing up she would tell her parents what to do. They grew up Mormon but she knew it wasn’t for her and there was nothing her parents could do about it. The sweet Filipino was trying to ask leading questions but didn’t realize how much the young lady liked to talk about herself. I was overhearing a conversation with the Filipino and the Indian guy about religions and asked her if she had different definitions of religion to spirituality. She said that religions are organized and structured… is that what I meant… I said yes but sometimes I make a difference between religion is some spiritual leader who is talking about scripture for us learn which isn’t from their direct experience. And spirituality is more personal discernment? The young lady interrupted and wanted to be heard, but it was natural for me to be a bit dismissive of her comment. She continued to talk and she kept using the word belief a lot. And I asked her if she knew when belief becomes truth? She didn’t know how to answer it but said by memory. If I don’t remember it then it’s not truth. I asked what her definition of belief is… and she still didn’t want to answer and so I said is it when you hope something is true and wish to know it to be true at a later time? She said well that just sounds like semantics. And I said… no not really it’s something to really think about. But I let it slide. The Indian guy became clear in my hearing and he was discussing about dreams being all you. You create an avatar and the setting and the characters to interact with, but when we wake up we realize all of that is you the whole time. And I wanted him to continue but the young lady interrupted him. Which was getting to be rude a bit… I could hear her trying to talk over him and he was like I thought I’d be able to speak my mind and then I said… I would like to hear your thoughts if everyone gave you space and time to do so. He knew I was sticking up for him but he also wanted to comfort that young lady and said she was a friend. I said well I hope all of us here are friendly. Discussions went on… and the young lady started taking about being clear cognizant and said something like… I believe this through my experience and then I said… ahhh ha! That’s what I’ve been waiting for. you believe this through your experience. I asked when does belief become truth… through your experience. She wanted to say that that didn’t matter but I continued to explain. When I hear you use the word belief I’m assuming you have faith that it’s true but you don’t have an understanding of it through your experience. But if you have a direct experience its no longer a belief. So when I hear you talking about being clear cognizant. If you have direct experience of it there’s no reason to say belief. You can say… in my experience or in my understanding…. Blah blah… not I believe because it’s true in your experience. And she finally was like… ahh… I hear what you’re trying to tell me know… ok… I want to think about that more. There was the gentleman who came up to me to recommend speaking with the young lady and he was sitting across from me. He found himself chuckling with watching our conversation. There was a time the young lady was saying how she’s Pisces and this is why she’s the way she is. I asked her what that meant… and she went into it. Something about the visionary and I said well isn’t Aquarius described like that too… she said there was a difference and when I tried to get a difference there really wasn’t a difference. I then asked her if she found that the labels she places on herself… if it’s difficult to create change she wants? She said that she’ll only change when she wants to and if she doesn’t or has trouble she doesn’t really care. She’ll get to it another time. I told her that I knew a little about Astrology and got my chart and I agreed with the characteristics… but I use it to see areas where I can grow and change. She said she does that too…. And I said well you’ve used that you are a Pisces and that’s just the way you are… so I was wondering by labeling yourself a Pisces if it’s hindering growth and change? Woo… it was pretty active in conversation her energy was very fast paced and seemed like she really wanted to be heard and wanted the chance to say it. I was giving it to her but I also made sure I was going to respond and inquire about the words she was choosing to say. I got another plate to break it up and the sweet Filipino girl was going to leave. I asked her her schedule and we both don’t have cars and I said it would be fun to go dancing together. We were both looking forward to seeing each other again. when I came back to the table I wanted to get to know the gentleman sitting across the way who was amused by the conversation. I wanted him to participate a little bit and share a bit. I knew he wasn’t going to be the talkative type so I started off with some safe questions of where he’s from and how long he’s been coming to the temple. Those types of things. He’s not too close to his family and was trying to relate with him because we both were raised by our fathers and knew getting to know our mothers can have it’s own challenges and takes time. I didn’t directly talk to him about Ayahuasca earlier but I knew he heard me and so I was asking him how open the husband is to discussion. They have classes and what does that involve. He said they are very against psychedelics and I said I could tell since that was pretty much the first thing he addressed. I wonder if the husband has had a direct experience to make comments that comes out so factual. He said he believes the husband has not taken part of any direct experiences. And then I said well he was implying people who do go down a hole of darkness… I wonder if he’s spent time with anyone who has had direct experiences… the gentleman said that he believes he would’ve. The husband is quite the traveler. And I said… well I wonder how open he would be to spiritual discussion because I’m curious about his comments. He said that the husband normally would teach a scripture and then open it up to discussion afterwards… he doesn’t think there are too many people who attend so he’s guessing if someone wants to discuss he’d love that. I did ask about the attendance and if there are usual people who come or if most the people who attend are visitors. He said there’s about ten of them that come all the time. Interesting… this Krishna Consciousness group isn’t a religion he said… it’s just a devotion to Krishna or God and everyone is welcomed. I said well that’s what I’m hoping but I’ll see if that’s the case with a chuckle. At that time one of the volunteers asked me if I needed a ride home. I said yes because the bus doesn’t run… I assumed I’d be getting a ride back. She started hinting around and the guys caught on and two of them volunteered to take me home. The gentleman who sat across from me and then the Indian guy. I said I don’t mind whomever wants to take me home I’d appreciate it. So the Indian guy said he would like to. And I thanked him.

We got into the car and he said that he really enjoyed the way I was speaking at the table especially my questions and comments I was directing to the young lady. He nervously laughed because he said that she kind of made him say yes to doing a meditation with her tomorrow and he really doesn’t want to go. She asked if he was busy tomorrow and he said he didn’t want to lie and said he wasn’t busy. But he also knew he didn’t want to go… I said it should be fine if you let her know that. I’m sure there may be another time where you will want to go. We both were laughing at how a meditation session would go with her leading it. Well… again the conversation came back to Ayahuasca and he was very curious about it. We were getting closer to my place and asked him if he’d like to come in and continue the conversation. If not, we can find another time to continue our conversation. He said he’s available and so he sat outside with me as I smoked and he told me that he’s tried Aya twice now back in 2014. It was a very impactful session and he enjoyed it a lot. I was curious to what his experiences were and he mentioned that there was a shaman who grew Aya in Hawaii…and brought it to Utah and had about thirty participants around a fire while he sang and played the drums. He found himself dancing around the fire with Krishna. It was very joyful for him and he was extremely grateful that Krishna would join him. He also said he found himself in the center of eternity there were waves starting at his root chakra rolling upwards to his third eye where the OM symbol emerged from his forehead in Turquoise and started floating upwards into the sky. When it disappeared that’s when he realized he was in the center of eternity. I asked him if he gained any insights from his experience… did he have any integration to work on… and he said that before he went into ceremony he was afraid of death…and just afraid of many things but that fear seemed to disappear for a long time. A year and a half ago he went through a divorce which was rough on him because he really loved her. She ended up cheating on him with another woman and it was hard to handle. I guess she was stealing money from him so she can breakup. I asked him if there is anything he’s learned from that experience. His response was… not to love anyone more than I love myself. I said yessss… very nice! That’s a very big lesson to learn. Many spiritual people think that by being spiritual, people are more important than ourselves and it’s misleading. We have to learn how to love ourselves to even begin to learn how to love people. In my experience the more I love myself the selection of potential partners are dwindling down fast. If I know how to create peace and joy in my life without a partner… many supposed options shows me fairly quickly who much drama and suffering will come along as part of the package… I’ve learned quickly to say we can be friends but a lover… there’s no way… hehe not in those terms but essentially. He said he’s always been picky but he fell for her pretty hard after resisting her for a time. I was trying to encourage him that everything is fine and working out fine. He said it was a mistake to be with her. And I said it wasn’t a mistake. You wouldn’t have gained this insight without this happening. Plus you wouldn’t be who you are where you are if this “mistake” didn’t happen. Who knows were you’d be. He laughed and said that’s true. I started asking him more about this temple. He said that he’s not there for any other reason than to love and worship Krishna. He’s not there for the politics which he doesn’t agree with at this temple. He respects and really cares for the husband and wife… but some of their actions do not resonate with him… and feels they don’t practice what they preach. I felt myself agreeing with him but also defending the husband and wife from time to time too. I’m curious how conversations will go… I feel like they’ll be coming up but… I wonder. He was about to leave and somehow I mentioned I was a ballroom dance teacher and he said he had taken ballroom dance in college. He asked if I knew Country and I said a little but I’ll pick it up quickly. He asked for my hands and started dancing with me. He lit up with joy… he said this is what he really misses with his ex. They use to dance all the time at home together. I said I’ve been wanting to go dancing… if he wants to go, let me know. He’s heading out to Seattle for a little over a week… that we can go when he gets back. I said that sounds great.. I just thought about the sweet Filipino girl… I’ll see if she wants to go. Shoot.. I’ll see if the group wants to go and if they need lessons beforehand… maybe we can get that started, maybe?

So… what am I thinking about this situation right now? I really love the farm and I know I’ll be learning things I want to learn. I have a feeling I’ll be having a farm in some way and so it’s cool to get a taste of it. I know when I was mucking I was thinking… maybe I shouldn’t have my animals contained in one area? Or maybe it’s because it’s the amount of animals in that one area? I’m not sure yet. The dung the llamas make isn’t really disgusting or dirty… when I was raking it up.. it really seemed like it could just be dirt and hay… hehe… but mucking… it wasn’t terrible but I could see that doing this often probably will be necessary. I did the area yesterday and it was almost to where it was today… but anyway. The animals and the organic farming… pretty cool! I really do like the people I’m running into… guests and volunteers. For the most part they are warm and able to be present in our conversations and are thoughtful. There seems to be a small group that’s curious about Ayahuasca and that’s interesting. I do like the access to possibly renting my own space not too far from the temple. The only thing about that is I feel like I’m going to have to set boundaries with the wife about my time. She’s got a strong presence. And I can see most people are intimidated by that. She’s used to people being intimidated as well… so I have to make sure that I’m not looking to be bullied or pushed around. That’s why I’m going to have to pay for the rental and not exchange it for work. I am interested in learning but I’ll have to narrow it down and create a balance for opportunities to make an income… to pay for the place but ultimately get me to my goals next year of Nepal and Peru. But… will they have the same requirements as their devotees? Will they be ok if I don’t want to be a devotee? i got my first character referral from a friend. There’s a few more going to be showing up this week. I thought maybe I can move in at the beginning of December, but I also have a feeling that I need to see how my relationship goes between the husband and wife before committing myself into a rental on property. If they can accept my freedom, we’d be able to work everything out. It is a little annoying that everyone is trying to sell you into the group. I understand why but it doesn’t have to feel so desperate at times. And then the assumption I’m there because I want to be a devotee isn’t sitting well with me. I want to learn from them, but I also want the opportunity to teach as well. So… I guess we’ll see how this week goes. I’m still trying to figure out what’s going to happen tomorrow. Well I’m just curious actually. I might just spend the day chilling and relaxing with Elvis. I’ve been leaving everyday for a week now and I don’t want to get into the habit of not being home and also not having full days off to ourselves. But.. yeah let’s see… until next time…

withinUverse · November 28, 2023

Alright… so how did today go? It went well… I did some surprising things but the changes I’m making is becoming apparent to me. So I didn’t get a hold of my neighbor to go to work, and he didn’t get a hold of me either. So I started to decide well… let’s see if I can get the staff to help me out. They’ve been with him for years now and they’ll have more pull than I do. So I messaged first the retired man who mostly helps out with the windshields and also does some cooking. He doesn’t work full time there but I know he has noticed my work ethic and has mentioned he loves my style. I’m going to be doing an event with him this coming month. I messaged him saying that I’m not going to be there this morning. I can’t get the neighbor to talk to me about the hours I haven’t been paid for so I’m not going to be working for free. If he knows anyone who is looking for a worker with my caliber and willing to pay me for it… then please let me know. He ended up calling me a little later to talk about this. He asked what’s up? He doesn’t want to lose me in his life. He really likes me. I told him that I tried to talk about compensation this weekend and my neighbor boss hasn’t addressed it. He said well he won’t pay me over the weekend. I told him I wasn’t asking to be paid over the weekend. I wanted him to let me know how we were going to be moving forward with compensation because there’s been around 80 hours of unpaid work. But really it’s probably closer to 100 hours, but once they started having me clock in and out… I didn’t record myself. He told me that he’ll pay me. I said well I don’t know why he’s avoiding talking to me about it. I figured he’d want me around the shop. And he said yes we want you around the shop. He said he’ll try to mention something about making sure he’s taken care of me (financially) so he can help getting me paid at least. He said he might know of someone who might be looking for help. I told him thank you and any help would be appreciated.

The next person I got a hold of is one of the girls in the front office area. The best friend of the girlfriend of my neighbor. So i know they are close and that her loyalties will be more towards my neighbor, but she’s the one I’ve been talking to about payroll from the beginning. When I first started using the time card equipment, she said she’ll let me know when I need to fill out the paperwork. After they got paid on Monday, I went by and I asked her if she knew anything and she said she’s asked my neighbor but he said he hasn’t talked to me yet. He wants to talk to me first before paperwork is filed. So I told her I’ll let her know. She empathized with me because she knows how busy and all over he is and doesn’t make it easy to just have a one on one conversation. I told her I’ll talk to him then. So I messaged her. I asked her if there was a way to get my hours that are recorded in the system. I told her he wasn’t responding to my inquiry about getting paid… so I’m not going to be coming into work for free. It took her awhile to respond but she said that she’s going to wait until the neighbor returns so he can show her how to do that. He wasn’t there at the time, but she’ll get a hold of me. I told her thank you but all I’d need would be a photo of the hours. I knew she wasn’t going to do it, but I was hoping maybe I could get some type of documentation of the hours I had worked so far. I started thinking that I’m going to have to file a wage claim against my neighbor. So… I’m thinking what kind of proof can I get? She didn’t respond until the end of the work day and said that I’d have to bring in my license and social security card to fill out paperwork. I’ll be able to receive a check and then the next one will be on the 5th. Will I still be planning on working? I responded by saying that I was planning on working but as long as I get paid. I wasn’t sure he was intending to pay me for those hours so I’m a bit uncertain right now. I don’t even know how much I’m getting paid. So… I’m wanting to know that before anything else. I told her I can be in there tomorrow with that information so I can get paid. She said perfect, and I said thank you for all your help.

So I’m getting more texts to confirm that I was working there and that I should be receiving a check. So if it doesn’t go as planned tomorrow I can continue my claim. I have already filed it and emailed it to the Utah Labor Commission. I had questions about how much it would cost if we have to go through an investigation and hearing. I also wanted to know if I get paid if I am able to close my case. She confirmed that if I get paid or if they receive the check for payment, then the claim will be closed. And when it comes to cost… this would not be coming out of my pocket as the employee. So I thanked her. She said someone will be contacting me within the next ten days to further discuss the case. Which is expected when I read this on the website. So… yes I’ve got it filed and I’m going to keep it on file until I actually get a check in my hand. I’m dealing with shady people and I have never thought I would file a legal claim on somebody. that is just something I don’t think of and definitely would assume it’s too much hassle and since I haven’t done it before I would just be extremely reluctant and eventually not think it’s worth the effort. Well damn it… now I’m like… um my time is valuable and I’m going to get compensated one way or another. I’d much prefer to not have to go through legal means, but if that’s the only way my neighbor will have to address this issue then that’s what I’m going to have to do. I know once they pay me… then I can close the claim.

I also messaged the young technician that I hope that it’s easier to work today because I did a lot of cleaning and cleared out some extra space to work which was full of crap and junk. I said I wasn’t coming in until I know I’m going to get paid for the hours I’ve worked. He responded and was very complimentary of my work ethic and how much help I’ve been doing and is confident that I’ll be able to find other opportunities. I said he’s very bright as well. If the chaos gets too far out there… he should trust and be confident enough to know he too has the potential to find other opportunities as well. He has been the first one to verify through text that I have been working and some appreciate the work I was doing while I was there. I’ve mentioned again that I’d be available to help out with his pops or anyone else who might need a helping hand.

So yeah… I kind of was giving my neighbor a push… and it looked like it worked. Before I really got into this my roommate was asking me if I was going to work today. She didn’t know all the details about not getting paid yet so I gave her the details. At that time I was in the middle of making my first text message. She is a paralegal but for immigration laws and practices and she thought it might not be a good idea to bring a third party into it. But I said they know each other and I think they’ll be able to help convince him to pay me. I also told her I’m thinking about filing a claim. I sent the forms to her to print and she of course was willing to help out. She said she’s frustrated for me. I told her one way or another… things will get worked out. So… I did end up messaging another neighbor who works in the restaurant business to see if he had any leads. He is part of public speaking group which sounds interesting but he thought December wouldn’t be the month to join the meeting because it’s a holiday get-together… but maybe January would be the month for me to join him during a meeting. He also said on the side he does life coaching. So yeah he’s interesting and I’m hoping to get to know him a bit better. We exchanged numbers but I’m getting a hunch he’s on the needy side… and possibly a slight attraction? Nothing too serious but maybe he’s attractive to me but he’s married and has two daughters and a dog that I met. He’s been here for two years and has liked it so far. He had someone hit his vehicle and he was seeing if I had any suggestions on how to find the culprit. I mentioned a few things about asking the HOA, check if there’s camera, physically checking if there’s visible signs in the parking lot, and see if he’s checked with the insurance company for suggestions on steps he can take. He reported it to the police but they said there’s not much else they could do except to file a report. But I did mention that I might go to IHOP to be a part-time cook and part-time server. He knew an employee and asked if I wanted his number. I told him I spoke to the female manager already and I just need to go online to apply and then call them to push my application through. I tried to apply but the website was freezing up… so that’s a sign to me that it’s not worth my time to apply… at least right now.

I started thinking more about this autobody shop… can I work there a little longer? I think I can… I’m going to be making some changes and establishing boundaries. I was hoping my neighbor and his family could be friendly, but as I’ve already mentioned what happened to us on Thanksgiving… I’m not wanting to get too friendly and especially not there type of friendly. So I’m going to play nice… especially if that’s going to get the compensation I’m owed already. I mentioned I’m going to get things in writing now so that will help me if I have to file another claim against this guy. But I can continue to build my skills in this field. I know my roommate wasn’t wanting me to continue working there. She suggested I go to a retail store since the holidays… and I mentioned the cook position since I can literally walk there and whatever my schedule… I’ll know I can get there and back. But yeah… I think I can get paid more at this shop, hopefully… but also if i can get more training then it’s a position I can be looking for in the future as well. So I think it would benefit me in the long run to have a professional relationship with them. I cannot promise how long I’ll stay with them, but since this running around I was able to read more into the laws of labor here in Utah and I now haven a better idea what I can be looking for to help back myself on if it has to go through the legal process. Again… if it can be smooth sailing… then great! That’s what I’d expect to happen. But the conscious level of whom I’m dealing with is fairly low… so I can prepare just in case. I figured I’d have to put a two-week notice in writing. And then there’s a 24 hour law for the last paycheck. Here’s a link to an attorney that explains in Laymans terms https://www.clydesnow.com/media/blogs/labor-employment-law-blog/the-utah-final-paycheck-law-guide/#:~:text=For resignations in Utah%2C final,allow time for an audit.

If I give a written notice of resignation then I should get my check on the next payday. If I get fired or laid off then I’ll get the check within 24 hours during the work week not weekends. If I do not get the final payment in these terms then compensation can continue to accrue for the maximum of 60 days until it’s paid. I kind of feel bad knowing this, but I kind of don’t either. I’m dealing with shadiness and low consciousness… if there wasn’t an opportunity to gain skills that can possibly help me get better work opportunities in the future… I’d be like hasta la vista. But I’m always hoping for the best and hoping we all make conscious decisions. I’m not sure if the gentleman that the retired employee was mentioning deals with automotives… but I’m going to be talking to him about it soon to find out. Because if I can find a shop willing to give me a chance without the experience… then I’ll just take my merry ass out of there instead and again c’est la vie.

But I have also been receiving my character referrals for the volunteering. I’ve been thanking them because I’m very thankful they’ve taken the time to do this for me. And it’s sweet to hear what they have to say. I’m debating if I’m going to be sharing them on here or not. I’m still waiting on some more… so maybe when I have them all? We’ll see, but I also thought these might be good if I have to go into a hearing lol… I’m not sure if they’d help but possibly. And they’re recent. But it was getting me to think about the temple a little more. What I was thinking is that I think I’ll be able to get the behind the scenes look into how a nonprofit would work and what’s required legally to maintain the status. I’m sure I went through this before on the Journal. I was planning on creating WithinUverse Awakens Foundation or Nonprofit… well it’s been in my mind but I also find that the times I think it’s time… it’s not really time… lol.. and there’s a potential for me to learn more into the background of it all but… we’ll see if it’s time yet. I’m still not sure I’d want to begin a nonprofit here in the United States, but I also don’t know if I want it to be a company either. It just maybe what I do as a living… as a philanthropist kind of but instead of donation… through service. The reason is I love my freedom. If there’s a company then there will be a consistent pressure of keeping on top of things when it comes to just going with the flow and moving forward with a project I’d like to help in then I feel like I’d have more freedom. I look at this husband and wife duo at the temple… I’m wondering how much time they have to take vacations? Do they go off on romantic weekend trips? I’m not sure that happens… and I don’t want to live that life… I’d want to be able to spend private time with my lover and family… for as long as we want. We’ll balance out and want to get back into service, but we wont feel the pressure and obligation to be doing it all the time…. We’ll value rest and filling up our energies with private time. But I am being cautious here as well with this temple. Again I’m always hoping people are making higher consciousness decisions. I still don’t like the fib about the wife saying nonprofits don’t get paid. And I still don’t like the comment the husband said about psychedelics either. And to be honest… they just aren’t really brimming with joy and love…. Lol… they’re a bit arrogant and I’m not sure how I feel about that yet. I’d like to have my own place to stay but with all this legal stuff happening with my work… I feel like I’ll have to put things in writing with them as well. If I end up renting from them… we’ll have to fill out a lease. I’m pretty comfortable with leases from my history way back in the day where I dealt with that often. A basic agreement is all that’s needed. Again I’ll want to pay something for the rent, but I’m also thinking I can get a discount on the rental by volunteering a set amount of hours. Our maybe I can record my hours with them and have a kind of amount set with each hour to reduce my rent each month. What I was thinking is the young WOOFER girl has an agreement to work 4 hours a day for six days a week. In return she receives free room and board. I’ll verify that she gets her meals included… I’m just guessing. But what? 24 hours a week for normally 4 weeks a month… 96 hours a month would essentially give me free room and board… right? Hmmm… I want to see how that translates to my current rental rate. I pay $650 month and if I had to volunteer 96 hours to pay for that what does that come out to be? That would be working $6.77/hour… less than minimum wage… huh? But if food is included… that might help the hourly rate though too… so let’s see. The “donation” for the buffet is $10… it’s funny because they call it donation but we have to pay that amount… is that really considered a donation? But anyway I’d say twice a day going to the buffet. So $20 for 28 days (7 days X 4 weeks) would be $560 so yeah that should bump things up. So for 96 hours can get you room $650 and meals $560… so $1,210 divide by 96 would be getting compensated at $12.60/ hour. Which sounds much better and more reasonable in my opinion. Well see how it goes.

There was a comment that the Indian guy said last night that I forgot to mention, but I remembered it today. We were talking about the wife and her personality. He looked at me and said well that’s probably why there aren’t many devotees or followers who come to this temple. He said can you imagine how many people would come if I had a temple. I laughed at it, and he said well… if you’d be even interested in anything like that. I dismissed it, but then I remembered one of the original twelve’s vision with her and I. We were building a green temple she said. I found it interesting remembering this… I feel in a way I’ll be building a temple but not what we’d think about when we say temple. This temple is fancy in my opinion which is beautiful… I’m looking forward to seeing the intricate architecture around the world… i love it, but I’m not certain that would be my style… I’m not sure yet. But simplicity is just as beautiful. And temples don’t have to be buildings… Our bodies are temples which people can possibly relate to. But I feel nature is a temple as well. Our homes, our communities, our Universe can be temples… But it was getting me to think about it a bit. Not too deeply but how would I convey my understanding? Well there doesn’t actually have to be a certain location to travel to to be connected… however, I have experienced spaces that are amplified. I feel like there are locations I’m going to be visiting that will have amplified energy… so I could see finding amplified space to create a type of temple possibly. I thought this was interesting to experience yesterday with an attitude that every religion is welcome but when it came to the service we recited Krishna possibly a hundred times. I’m not sure I’m exaggerating. Maybe 60 times? I don’t know but it felt like majority of the time we are calling out these mantra that includes Krishna several times. I was chatting with a friend in Indiana who is a librarian who I met at the drum circle. I was trying to explain my reservations I’m running into with meeting the temple and it’s community. I didn’t say this, but it really felt like many of the main players were trying to prove to others they are the most devoted one. It felt showy, it felt inauthentic. Maybe that’s why when I see the contrast of the husband and wife… they’re a bit more real with their energy. Yeah… i’m curious to see how this is going to all play out… hehe. I feel like an adventure awaits. Let’s see how this next month goes… hehe.

I’ve gotten most of my packages I’ve ordered to take care of my body and so I’ve been working on creating a routine. I’ve been enjoying pampering myself. Again I feel like I can remind myself about the body being a temple. I hope that will help me keep the behaviors going. Oh… my Thailand friend… so he had the Bufo ceremony and I messaged him about maybe this would be a good opportunity to chat. He did respond by saying his guides are telling him that now is not the time to chat. And I’m glad that was the case… because I was getting all excited but that excitement was flighty. The more time I have to think about things… I’m not really wanting to have that relationship with him. I just get urges but I know who I want to share these urges with but patience is the lesson.. and worth the wait is the message. Anticipation is very pleasurable if I remember this. I did get that blackout mask though. I tried it two nights now. I must roll around too much because it hasn’t stayed on my head yet. But I haven’t been doing any set mediations, or asanas, or yoga nidra… I know I’ve mentioned when I’m in shared space somehow I find that I don’t do these practices. Another reason I’d like to have my own space. But also another excuse. But I’m aware and open to see how long it takes me to pick it back up again… and how ready I am to include this into my routine… just like pampering my skin, hair, and teeth. Well… today I had a full day at home and Elvis has been on my lap for the majority of the day… hehe… he’s laying on my legs now and his ear twitched a bit and now his whiskers… he’s passed out hehe… but I’m glad I got a full day to spend with him. I need to remember to have a least one day to ourselves. I’ve been wondering if I really want to continue to go to Sunday services… I think I really want to see if some of the devotees would like to come before or after service to have discussions and get to know one another. But that might be the day to stay home… I’m not sure yet but I’ve got things on the back burner churning and we’ll see how things play out. Ok… I still need to start writing the written agreement for employment so it’s easy to fill out tomorrow. And I have to double check the bus schedule, because it’s best not to get rides with my neighbor for now. Plus I feel like I want to keep introducing new people into my life even if it’s a small conversation on a bus or at a stop. I like engaging with new people. Ok… I’m going to get off here. Until next time then…

wait… i forgot to mention that I listen to tarot readings, right… it’s like the background music I hear when I’m doing things in my space. Now I listen to music as well, but tarot I find enjoyable. I’m also feeling out how to work with it as well. It’s like I was just saying when I hear tarot reading after tarot reading… it’s like I’m getting data but it’s subtly holding space to help guide me. Now not every single word that I hear applies, at least not yet… but there’s quite a bit that sticks and from different sources. If I would go back and listen to all these readings… in a weird way I’d be able to link those messages to the rollercoaster I’ve been going through since I’ve arrived in Utah. Now most of this is after the fact, but that’s what I’m saying I feel like I’m starting to get an understanding of how it communicates. I wanted to give a shoutout to my tarot readers. I appreciate them in my life. I thank them when I’m listening, but I’d like to thank them publicly as well. Even if one doesn’t “believe” in tarot… there’s a lot of positivity, motivation, and insight that can be heard. If a reader doesn’t give these qualities… then continue to search for ones who do. There are really amazing readers out there… ones who’ve developed to higher levels of consciousness and have been doing the work. Give it a try if it’s a new thing… it doesn’t hurt. And listen to it as if it’s background music. Many times you’re not concentrating on every word… but sometimes messages seem to jump out to you to listen and you will. And now that doesn’t mean this is exactly happening now… i guess it may, but really… they seem to plant seeds of intention. I’m not sure how to explain it but maybe if it’s tried… it might make a little sense. I’m also flexible with Astrological signs… hehe… ok I’m getting off… over and out

withinUverse · November 29, 2023

Well… this morning went like I thought it might. And I’m actually thankful to not have to continue to deal with my neighbor. So I got up early and was walking towards the bus stop when a middle school teacher pulled over to give me a ride a little closer than where I was. She was afraid she might be late so she dropped me off at the grocery store at the intersection where she wanted to turn right and I wanted to go left. I told her thank you and it’s fine because it’ll only be a five-ten minute walk and I’ll have to wait until someone arrives anyway. She said well maybe it would’ve been better off to let me do my thing. I said no… I appreciate it and she helps encourage me that there are friendly folks here in Utah. So I got to the shop before people arrived, but they arrived shortly after I did. We all seemed to be friendly. The two office girls came together, my neighbor and his oldest son who comes to work since he got expelled the day before I started here… and even the retired gentleman was there with us. I feel like he wanted to protect me for some reason. We had a brief chat while I was taking off my coat and pulling out my notebook. He asked if I was working today? I said well we’ll see how it goes. I need to talk to my neighbor so we’ll see if we can come up with an agreement. I had to grab my neighbors attention and asked him if he had time to discuss payment. He asked… didn’t the girls talk to me about it? I said they said for me to bring in my identification, but I don’t know what my pay rate is yet. I started to pull out my employment agreement. I said there are a few things I want to know so we know how things are gong to move forward. I actually had the wage claim sticking out the top but not too noticeable. I was going to see if he’d notice it. But he didn’t. He said well he starts apprentices at $12/hour. So I wrote that on the agreement. I said I heard we get paid on the 5th and the 20th, is that correct? He said yes unless it falls on a weekend then the next business day. Alright… do you pay overtime hours. He said no all the hours are at $12/hour. I wrote no overtime pay. And I asked if there is any holidays which would be asked to work. He said no but he’s usually there if we want the extra hours. So I wrote that down as well. I said I have room on here to put any other information. Do you have any requirements for me as an employee? He was saying how he expects us to be working. If we aren’t working then he wants us to clock out. He was implying that he and the young technician are really the only ones who are always working. And the office girls too. I helped him out and asked that any cleaning or organization wouldn’t be considered work that you’d like to pay for. He said yes. He said it’s nice to have it clean but it’s not necessary. I said, I understand… is there anything else? He didn’t really have anything else to say. I signed and dated the agreement and I gave it to him for him to sign. I aske him if he’s willing to sign this agreement. He said I don’t sign agreements. In Utah it’s not required to have an agreement. I said well it’s not required but it still can be done. Is there something on here that you want to change. Well he said you were the one that wrote this. I said do you want to write it out? And he said the girls probably have something in the office. He said but yeah signing this doesn’t help him and I said yes that might be correct, but this agreement is going to help me out. It’s taken over two weeks to get you to agree to pay me and the details about it. He said he’s not going to sign it. And that’s when I said, Neighbor, I don’t trust you’re willing to pay me and so I’m making sure the hours I work I’ll get compensated. I have filed a wage claim with Utah’s Labor Department. And oh my… he was like… what the hell? You filed this already? Get out of here… he yelled to the girls in the front… pay her and get her out of here. He started walking towards the office. I said , neighbor, I just want to make sure I get paid. I already asked if I get my compensation, it’s not hard to close the claim. I followed him into the office. I said I’m friendly, but I’m not an idiot. He was a bit heightened in intensity and I could feel my body was mirroring but I consciously breathing slowly and stayed calm. He was saying he couldn’t believe I filed so quickly. I said I tried to get you to acknowledge that you were going to talk to me about payment, and you didn’t. He said well it was a holiday weekend… it was only a few days of not responding. I said it’s been over two weeks of working you where you haven’t addressed it, and then the weekend you still didn’t respond. Everyone got paid last Monday, except for me. He started saying how busy he was with his kids and I should know how much it is for him to handle. I interrupted him by saying, sorry neighbor, but you have many excuses regarding your family. All I needed was a brief message letting me know you were going to discuss this with me.. He started saying… well there is no way that I wouldn’t pay someone who has worked for me. I looked at him and said I do not know this about you. And that actually stopped our conversation. He walked away back into the shop. I sat down on the stool at the counter and one of the girls handed me the W4 and I-9 forms for me to fill out. I filled them out and gave them my identifications. It was taking a little while to enter the information in the computer. A customer came in… I had spoken with him on my last day there… he walked in with a smile and said Talofa! I smiled back and said Talofa Lava! He spent time in Hawaii and learned some Samoan words. He’s a very nice gentleman and so we sat together and talked while I was waiting to get my check. He’s in the construction industry but he hires subcontractors and they’re looking for experienced workers. I had to give it a try… you never know who can give you the lead for the next opportunity. The office girl had a paper for me to sign that I got paid $300 already and it has been deducted from my check. I didn’t hesitate to sign, because that’s not a problem and it was true. I already said that in my wage claim as well. It shouldn’t be a big issue to sign agreements and statements if we aren’t hiding anything or looking to do something shady. I said my goodbyes to the customer and the office ladies. And I walked out feeling like a huge weight off my shoulders. I went ahead and walked all the way back to the our place, but I stopped to pick up some toilet paper…. I walked by this gas station which is really close to where I live and the owner was the first person to give me a ride. He said I should stop by to say hi sometime. So I wanted to see if he was there. The manager said he works the graveyard shift. So he actually should be there now until 6 am. I almost forgot that I wanted to go and visit him. But I thought I’d go ahead and write in the Journal before I head off.

I didn’t do much today… mostly relaxed. I did speak with the retired gentleman… he said he was going to give me a ride. I said I wanted to walk and it was ok. I guess he has meeting in the morning with business owners and he’s going to see if anyone is looking for help. So I guess he’s going to let me know if there’s something there. But ultimately we’ll have a gig together on the 16th at a catering gig in a library. I soaked for maybe two hours… hehe… I love soaking and it really releases any tension in my body that I’m not aware is tensing up.

My family in Hawaii called me again today. I forgot to mention that I spoke with them yesterday. They are wanting me to move to Hawaii with them. My mom has been having issues… she had a hard fall about a month ago. I spoke with her when I found out through a facebook post. But my younger brother is also in the hospital. He’s on the extreme side of obesity and he’s finally ready to start getting help to see if he can get in shape to breathe easier and able to move easier. I think he wants me to come more than anyone else, and damn it.. if it was easier to live in Hawaii… I’d like to spend time with him because… I know we’d work together well. But the first thing is… my cat is not allowed to stay at their place. My mom doesn’t like animals or pets. When I went last time for my stepdad’s funeral.. I was hoping to move there for awhile to help out, but she pretty much wanted my to get rid of Elvis and there was no way I was going to do that. And I know there’s no change of heart now either. She said I can get a nice outside house for him… and i chuckled and said he’s an indoor cat who sometimes spends time outside. And Elvis is a very close family member of mine and I’m not going to leave him behind. So if I don’t live with them… I’ll have to find a place myself in Hawaii with a cat. Again last time I was trying to move there and it was not easy at all to find things. Now granted I had my dad who showed up which seemed to make things harder. And it’s been almost three years since the last time I was there… so I know I’m a different person and I’ve gained more confidence. But I told them I was planning on visiting on my way to Nepal… I wasn’t planning on moving there. I just moved to Utah and I’m trying to see if I can get things figured out here. I didn’t tell them, but it’ll take a few months for me to even get Elvis ready to be flying to Hawaii… and mostly I wanted to visit my buddy on the big island more than visiting them… hehe… sounds bad, but I haven’t really explored Hawaii the way I’d like to. I’d go absolutely crazy if I lived with my mom. Love her, but no way will I move in with her at this time. The only thing in my mind is one message I received when I first got back to the States. I was sleeping and I woke up saying Hawaii. so I know it’s been in my radar… that’s probably why it was on my route out to Nepal as well. I had looked into moving while I was in my year ashram time with my pops… so it’s not like I haven’t thought about it. I told them I’ll have to have time to think about it. They are wanting to move quickly. I tried to get them to figure out how they need to break the lease responsibly and also not move in too quickly that they have to pay all these costs all at once. But they are all pretty stubborn… and I know they’re going to do whatever they want. Their current location has steps going up to the house plus the bedrooms are upstairs. They want to find a ranch style home on the ground level. They want to make it easier for my little bro. He’s feeling better now that he’s in the hospital. He said that he’s breathing better and feeling more awake during the day. He’s been speaking with a psychologist, nutritionist, and physical therapist. It’s really great news and he seems like he’s willing to listen to them. We believe he’ll be in there for awhile so they can get him started in a consistent manner to give him direction of the changes he’s going to be making. I’m so thankful he’s done the first step… he’s asked for help! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell my mom for years… there’s no way to force him to change if he doesn’t want to. She would think trying to guilt him or embarrass him would motivate him to want to change… she definitely means well but doesn’t know any other options. She doesn’t know how to express herself but she’s been improving over the years. My brother and sister in Hawaii want me to move in…they know that I’m just as strong as she is but I’m still very different than what they’re used to as well. So it’s a back and forth whether I should be there or not. Man… I’m not sure… hmmm… Does Hawaii have a Krishna temple? I just thought of that… maybe they do. So, yes, they do in Honolulu. Hmm… that could be a way for me to find a place to stay and work possibly? I’ll have to stay here for awhile anyway because of Elvis and his shots to get proof of strong rabies vaccine before admitted into Hawaii. Maybe if I can get some type of agreement with this temple and let them know I’d be interested in possibly visiting the Hawaiian one as well to start getting communications with them? I don’t know… it’s something to explore. I was going to go ahead and visit the temple tomorrow and volunteer. I don’t know when they’re going to suck up the sludge at the bottom of the pond, but I’m sure there’s plenty other options once I get there. I have four character referrals now and I might go ahead and show them to the wife. I think I’ll try to find an agreement for the rental. My roommate is planning on getting her cat back at the end of December… I’m uncertain how well Elvis and Snow will get along. They both are not friendly to other cats. Maybe I can talk to my roommate that I might just stay another two weeks and try to move-in to the temple rentals. Things are open and up in the air. Let’s see how things play out. Ok… I think I’m going to go ahead and get off of here and walk to chat with the gas station owner. I’m thinking he might have references. Shoot even if I work there for a little while will be good enough for me. I know the location he lives he would be driving right by the temple too. Hmm… never thought about working at a gas station before… hehe… who knows… we’ll see. Alright have a good one. Until next time…

withinUverse · December 1, 2023

So the past few days were pretty laid back… well yesterday was.. today was volunteering at the Temple. So… what am I thinking right now? I’m wondering what the next steps are to take. Yesterday I was leaning towards trying to get a rental at the Temple and see if I can go through WWOOF program to do this. I was a member of WWOOF international, but around August or something like that my subscription expired. I didn’t think to renew it, but I thought of the sweet Filipino WWOOFer at the Temple so I looked at the Temple’s profile for WWOOFers. There were a few things that I didn’t want to agree with. First of all they said they don’t allow pets to come. They will provide room and board when someone volunteers four hours a day for six days a week. They said if anyone wants to have two days off then working more hours for five days that can be arranged. They said they do not want WWOOFers to have part-time jobs while they are there… mainly I believe because they want them to participate in the classes held throughout the week. Plus Sunday service is mandatory. So approaching it as a WWOOFer isn’t the move I want to take. I’m still uncertain if renting with them Is the correct move at this time. I went today to see kind of how things seemed to fall and I gave four character references for the wife to review. She said she would not have time today to look at it, but she will. I understand we had a big project to accomplish today and I said I have a few more that I’m waiting for. One mainly is for my rental history which he just got a hold of me today and asked where to mail it. So I’ll be submitting this one most likely this weekend. It was definitely hard work today and that’s why I would like to rent there thinking I can make arrangements to where I’ll get at least a discount on rent with some type of agreement with volunteer hours. I’m wanting to make money so I’m applying to positions and I’m trying to talk to anyone who might be interested in helping out. Oh that reminds me last time I was on here I was going to visit the owner of the gas station. We had a good conversation but it didn’t lead to any questions about a job. What I thought was interesting is that he attends a Sikh temple up in the city. He didn’t really answer whether they speak English or Hindi. But of course… I’m interested to see how the differences are. He said there are many similarities but he isn’t too involved with the actual spiritual side of it and mostly goes for cultural reasons. His parent live with him and he takes them because they want to go but since it’s in the city they go about once a month. But yesterday I reached out to an auto body shop in the neighboring town which is on the bus line. Seeing if they might be hiring at this time. They did not have a listing out searching, but I didn’t think it would hurt to try. I did find a position open for a automotive glass technician trainee. It’ll be a little over an hour to commute to this position, but it’s a corporate position and has locations throughout the States… one specifically in Honolulu. How it works for them they said trainees start at about $20 some an hour to start for the three month training and certification process. Afterwards it’s almost a $2 hour raise after certification. As I was leaning towards yesterday was maybe I can go to Hawaii and instead of visiting for a month. I could maybe spend abou three months. If I stay here in Utah for four months… I can gain some experience with this company and possibly get help to transfer to the Honolulu location. Plus I should be able to continue the pay if not a little more since it’s Hawaii and usually it’s a bit higher wages because of the cost of living. I do have to say that I loved their application process. There was a section where I was getting tested with pattern recognition… and it was challenging ones. But I love these tests. Another section was personality traits that are more characteristics of how we would describe ourselves. I laugh because many of what I selected seem to be contradictory just because it can’t help itself making it seem like things are black and white. Just an example is “I enjoy time alone”… I agreed… and then “I enjoy spending time with groups of people”… again I agreed. So there were close to 50 of these photo selections where it seemed like I was agreeing to things that may seem different but it applies. I was hoping to get some type of communication from them today. I might go ahead and call them tomorrow to check on my application. The position was posted 7 days ago… so they should be still looking for candidates. Now… I would like to find something where I can get into the collision repair, but I figured… if I have to start in the windshield only at first, then that’s what I’ll do. I did run into a new volunteer at the Temple today. He dropped me off at the condo and while we were talking he said he has a friend who works at a dealership and he does the detailing. They usually have a collision department as well. I didn’t even think about working at a dealership, but I’d think they’d do the services by the book which would be a way I’d be looking for to train into these skills. I guess his buddy gets paid $25 an hour being a detailer. I’d be interested in checking it out if it lines up. Yesterday I was entertaining a plan that would have me working and volunteering until the end of March. It’s going to take awhile to get my cat Elvis prepared to travel to Hawaii again. It’s a rabies free island so there’s extra paperwork and tests needed. It’ll take two to three months to just get that all done. And if that’s the case I was thinking if I continue to volunteer with the Temple, they have a large festival in March. I guess they hold the largest Holi Color Festival in the States. I thought I can help get this festival going and as the finale I can celebrate Holi with everyone and then prepare to head to Hawaii. Again if I can give some beneficial help with this Temple, there is one also in Honolulu… so maybe again I can get a referral to be able to help the Temple in Hawaii too. I’m not sure but it’s going on in my head. With this all in mind I was thinking… that I have to start thinking about lower my expenses even more. That’s why I thought possibly relocating onto the Temples property because it might be cheaper then what I’m paying for this room.

Yesterday I felt like getting out a bit. I was trying to get a hold of the local vet’s office who have several USDA certified veterinarians. Again there’s more specific requirements to visit a rabies-free location. The online appointment setter wasn’t working and I wanted to get to the library. I thought oh I’ll just walk on over and talk to them in person. So I headed to the library first. Instead of using the bus I went ahead and walked. There was a route that I hadn’t taken yet. It was about two miles away and took about an hour. I enjoy walking and there are a few locations that I saw were hiring. There was a cabinetry place that sounds interesting. I did some cabinetry for only about a month or so when I was visiting family in Hawaii one time when I was visiting. It was fun… there wasn’t much carpentry which I would’ve enjoyed more but mostly assembly. That’s something I had forgotten but the couple I was working for said they are getting an apartment ready for staff. They said if I ever wanted to come back and work for them… I could stay at their apartments. Hmmm…. I think I could actually get their contact information. My family owns the staffing agency which connected us together. I’d think they might have records of where I’ve worked and I’d be able to find their contact information. So that is a possibility. But the local city library is quaint and downtown strip which I hadn’t walked down yet. I tried to email them like a week ago to see how I can get a library card, but I never received a return email. I thought I’d have to try to charm them to get one… so I gave it a try. I didn’t have a lease or any utility bills to confirm my address. They asked if my license had my current address or if my bank has an updated address… I did not. I brought two of my labels of the deliveries I’ve been receiving with my care products. I said I’m a traveler and so it’s hard to verify my address. I’m just renting a room and the owner has everything in her name. I haven’t changed any of my bank addresses because I use my father’s permanent address because as I travel… things can always be sent to him and I’ll receive it. I told them honestly I’m probably only going to be here through the end of March so I can help volunteer for the Holli festival and then I’ll be heading out to Hawaii afterwards. That helped the situation out. I also said that I saw I could pay a $30 fee a six month membership. Is it ok if I just go ahead and do that? Well they said… people who pay those fees are people who aren’t living in the city limits. You do actually live in the city limits so you shouldn’t be charged. They agreed they’d give me a membership but they’ll have it expire at the end of March. I said thank you so much… I appreciate it. So… did I write why I want a library card specifically? Maybe I did but maybe not. Anyway I was recommended a Spanish language tool and there’s subscriptions involved. They have I think 70 or 90+ languages they offer. One can choose a single language subscription for around $9/ month… or unlimited languages for around $19/month. So I thought if I can get four months access to this program I’d save money by paying the 6month membership to the library which happens to be partnered with this language learning app. And possibly be able to have all 6 months access when I go to Hawaii. Now they gave me the temporary membership… I can get access for free for awhile and that sounds a bit better especially since I don’t know if I’m going to connect with the program yet. So far I’ve been on there for two nights and I think I will be enjoying it. We’ll see how it goes. I was going to the vet to setup an appointment and also I knew I was going to be volunteering today so I wanted to print out my character references to give to the wife. And I have old paperwork for Elvis to give the new office to update his shot information. Not it’s not a complete list… I have no clue where all of his original paperwork went. We lost it when we relocated from Colorado to Indiana last year. But it’s nice to show them that this isn’t our first rodeo. And again… we aren’t going to be long-term either. I had a little opportunity to speak with one of the girls in the library office about her and her families travels to Hawaii. She mostly goes to the outer islands… I’d love to go this next time I visit. I wanted to last time but things didn’t line up. But she’s a sweetheart and very bright. It was a joy to meet her. I also saw some family programs offered there that I brought the flyers home to see if the ladies here in the condo would like to do together. I haven’t said it to them yet, but I’m more of let’s do a fun experience as gifts instead of actual physical gifts. But we’ll see… I spoke to my roommate, the mom, and she kind of seemed dismissive about it all… so … I don’t think she’s interested. The first event is tomorrow; it’s a sing-a-long Muppet’s Christmas movie. I feel like I’ve seen it before but it’s not well in my memory to really confirm if I have or have not. But I thought that the six year old would love it… plus give both of them an opportunities to get out of the house together and meet some locals. Well… after I printed out the documents… I started walking to the vet’s office.

I was getting a little hungry. I thought that most of the time there are some food trucks on the main drag road leading out of town… so I walked by to see if there is something to eat. There weren’t many options and I went ahead and tried savory crepes. I had a good conversation going with the owner’s husband who was dropping off dinner to his son who was working the truck. It was ok.. food wise but the conversation made it worth it. That’s really why I love food trucks.. normally home-cooked meals and the atmosphere leads to conversation with other guests if they’re around but also with the employees and get an idea of how they came to own a food truck and how well it works for them. They started this year so they’re fresh. They’re starting to have a steadier schedule. As I was finishing the savory crepe… I said my farewells and made it to the vet’s office. I spoke with one of the ladies and she asked what I was there for. I said my cat and I would be new clients. We are planning a return trip back to Hawaii. She made a face and apologized… she said they can do health certificates everywhere in the States that landlocked. They stopped doing Hawaiian health certificates because of the drawn out process. I understood, but I was wondering if they knew of a location close that I can go to. They didn’t know but said I could try the State Veterinarian. I haven’t heard of this… and when I looked it up the first thing that came up was Utah State University… and I don’t think that’s what she was trying to say. I looked up information at the USDA website and I believe I found the contact that might be able to help locate a vet who would be able to help us. I emailed three offices to see if they offer services for Hawaiian health certificates. One has responded today and said they are not taking on new clients. They referred another location. I haven’t contacted them. I’m waiting to see what the other two say. Right, I have to think about how to get to these appointments coming up. Already I’ll have to be taking the bus to get Elvis to the appointment. It’ll be over an hour on the bus and then we’ll have some walking involved as well. Right now it’s not too crazy snowy but it’s coming in this weekend whether it’ll stay or not. But anyway… it’s going to be tricky anyway. But since I haven’t been having a smooth interaction getting him an appointment… it feels like a red flag is becoming aware… why is there rejections going on with this? Rejection is our protection… but protection from the experience with the veterinarians? Or Hawaii? Yeah… today I feel like I’m rushing these plans a bit… so I’m trying to not make quick decisions about anything.

Rent is due tomorrow and Elvis and I are going to stay here for another month. I’ve already planted seeds that we might be heading towards Hawaii soon… let her know I’m going to be leaving soon. Her ex-husband is coming for Christmas to visit their daughter and he’s bringing their cat too. So I guess the cat will be with us at the end of the month and possibly stay with them indefinitely… she was saying that she hopes Elvis and Snow get along together… but I know both of us have our own concerns. I thought maybe I should be relocated by mid month just to make it easier for everyone. But we’ll see. I’m getting tired so I want to get to the volunteer work today at the Temple.

So we were filtering the bottom of the pond with a vacuum and sending it to the gardens. Before I started the wife was explaining to me why they do this. She first said they do this only once a year. There are 200 koi fish in the pond and they are in their hibernation phase until around March time. So they’re very slow moving and kind of sleeping at the bottom of the pond. During the year the pond collects sediment at the bottom. They have a fountain and a bubbler not necessarily to oxygenate the water but to help release the gases being created in the sediment. So for the overall health of their organic farming techniques the want to fertilize the gardens but also remove some of the sludge at the bottom so there’s less gas being created and stored in the water for months when the pond starts to freeze over. They continue the fountain and bubbler so it helps to allow opportunities for the gases to continue to release and makes it a safer and healthier environment for the koi. So… what’s there system of doing this? lol… its not a well oiled machine but it is what it is. First of all… we the volunteers could’ve used more communication of the attire that would have helped us be less wet and cold while doing this. I can’t say anything because I brought rain gear and didn’t even put it on because I thought I’d have time to do it before we really got started. They are in a hurry… lol.. there’s things to do and they do it and figure it out while they’re doing it.. hehe.. so it was entertaining how things played out. Not that anyone else was laughing… actually many were stressed and I felt I could’ve gotten that way myself but it was comical as well… so I tried to relax about it all. Three of us had experience with this and three of us did not. Five of us were doing the work while the wife supervised. So… they use a little canoe to place in the pond. There was ice except where the moving waters were. We tie rope to both ends of the canoe and we have people at the ropes moving the canoe around. We have oars but many have damaged them by breaking the ice. Instead of using the handle people would use the oar itself. We were breaking the ice and the our supervisor would suggest not to do this so we don’t disturb the fish. So we were trying to break the ice with people at the ropes pushing us through which worked for a little time but then our supervisor finally said that if we have to break the ice with our oars and shovel then that’s just what we’ll have to do… which we did. The hose from the pump down into the garden was short about three links so we had to go get more. We thought maybe we could try to put the pump on another little boat to gain some length for the actual nozzle of the filter to reach the center of the pond. Everyone remembers different things about each year. They thought the filter hose was longer and since it’s not that long what maybe eight feet… it wouldn’t reach the center. But if we could get the pump out closer to the center then we could. I thought why wouldn’t we just put the pump in the middle of the larger canoe? They thought it was too heavy and it would sink the canoe. The pump actually wasn’t too heavy I don’t even think a hundred and fifty pounds really. I mean it wasn’t too terribly large and when two of us were lifting and moving it… it wasn’t crazy heavy as well. But that was turned down. The supervisor thought maybe to use the smaller flotation device. I didn’t know but I thought maybe. The main helper who’s hired by the husband said there’s no way… hehe… he was right but the supervisor wanted to give it a try. We tied a wooden pallet and tried to center the pump. When we placed it into the water it was obviously not centered but since everyone was talking over each other and panicking we decided to just have it still on the bank and slightly on the flotation so it has maybe a foot extension then where it was originally… hehe… but again I was pretty entertained by it all. I started in the boat with the new volunteer who started doing community service about five days ago. He’s not the one who is originally from Mexico but another one. He has a bit of fear about water and so he did good at facing his fear and testing his comfort zone. Once he found out that the pond is only six feet tall in the center, then he felt much better. But even being on the canoe made him a bit squirmy. He thought the boat would be a metal boat with higher sides on it. We attached a used pole to the filter nozzle to be able to get it to the bottom and move it around but almost right when we got in to do it the pole bent. I said we’re going to have to use another pole but no… they’re busy and have to get things done. They said if it breaks it breaks… we’ll find something else to replace it. And so yes not long the pole broke. We did tie some rope to the nozzle so we could pull it from the bottom. The replacement was a metal pipe… which would’ve been great from the start… hehe.. and also again not much communication of the expectations of what we should be doing. We two newbies at this were trying to help and do our best, but when we did something they didn’t approve of we where then told what we should’ve done differently instead of guiding us on how to do it in the first place. So there’s a lot at the bottom and so it would get clogged fairly quickly so we have to use a wire brush to scrape it off. Water and sludge was everywhere. From almost the beginning my hands and feet were soaked and now my pants were getting wet pulling the nozzle in and out of the water. After awhile my feet and hands were hurting and so I asked to take a break… I said to use the restroom but really to warm up a bit. It was about 12:30pm and a lunch break would be nice. The husband’s worker wanted to continue but he thought it would only take another hour… but I’m glad we took a break because it took a little while over two hours and my appendages needed some tlc. I wasn’t the one who decided to take lunch.. the supervisor confirmed when I went inside to use the restroom. I didn’t think the guys knew what we were doing so I went out there to tell them to come and join us. I brought an extra set of gloves and shoes so I switched into them and I already mentioned that we can switch up positions when we return. Originally they said we were going to switch every 10 minutes, but that wasn’t happening. So I thought I was going to be a rope person… hehe.. but I got sent down to the garden where all the sludge was going. Again not knowing this position I’d be getting four times as wet as being inside the canoe… hehe… so my feet were warm for lunch only. So there were four quadrants of the garden. We did the top left one and the hose was situated for the top right one. We were to move to the bottom right and then to the last bottom left one. The top right where I started wasn’t bad. I had to watch the water to make sure it was muddy because that’s the good stuff. If it started running clear I was to call the supervisor to let them know to move the nozzle. Well… I snuck in a quick smoke break before the water started coming. For the most part things were fine. When I saw the first quadrant finished it looked like the mud was pretty much everywhere on the garden and so I was trying to do the same. But the hose wasn’t reaching all the areas. Again… I’m a newbie at this and so I thought I had to get it everywhere… hehe… that’s why I probably got much more wetter than the one before me doing this who’s done this before. It was time to move to the bottom right and so I was calling to have them turn the pump off and I can deal with the hose. Again… time seems to be pressing and the supervisor said… well you‘re going to have to move it while it going. These hoses are not light… even without water pumping through them. I chuckled and thought ok well let’s see. I started to move it and of course it wasn’t easy but there began to be a kink and holes started forming and water spraying out. Not drastically but they were not there before. I called again and said I’ll need the hose to be off or we’re going to break the equipment. They finally did but she was going to send the first one who was there to help me out. He’s priming and running the on/off switch for the pump. So yes, the pump was finally off. This hose is heavy… there’s still plants that stops the hose from sliding. It’s too long for the bottom right quadrant but it’s needed for the bottom left. I tried to move it but I also know they were going to get impatient so I decided I’ll just disconnect two links. As I was getting the links apart the water started rushing out of the hose and of course I got soaked… hehe… I tried to get out of the way and not too long after that the guy showed up. I told him what was being asked and said there’s no way I’d be able to do that with the water still pumping. He ok’d things and went back up. As we were doing the third section they called to say that it’s time for me to move to the last section. Again in my head I feel like I’ve got to get everything in that section. And finally I hear… it’s not necessary to get everything. We’re running out of time and if we can just get it in the center is fine. We’ll be tilling it anyway and everything gets mixed together … lol… well why in the hell are we going to all four sections then? Originally what I heard when we were setting it up was to get the hose into the center… and now I’m like… well why didn’t we just keep it in the center? It would be much easier to just let it flood it all there which will spread to each section, but it’s all going to get spread around anyway… hehe… but that’s what was asked and that’s what I did… however, I was doing too much.

I’m getting a little more time with the wife and starting to get a better understanding of her management style… hehe… and I’m starting to understand why some of the regulars act the way they do around her. I’m not sure what to think about it all right now. She says things about what their beliefs are and most of the time I’m just listening and not responding. There are things I can agree with but then there are subtle things that I don’t. I wonder if I’ll be able to get the time to sit down and really have a conversation with her about spirituality? Again there’s a lot of upkeep at this property and so there’s a lot she feels responsible for. But I’m not certain there’s an interest to get to know each other on a deeper intimate level… mostly volunteer and boss relationship. She did ask me to remind her to not hurry. She’s injured herself because she’s hurrying around the property. That would be a great conversation to have is not to hurry… not just physically walking around in a hurry… but just the mentality of not hurrying. That’s why I notice that I’m trying to make plans that feel rushed. I notice this and I want to calm down and ground and ease into things a bit more. Again with looking for another job for income… that kind of puts a bit of pressure on my chest… which shouldn’t really be there anymore. But I notice it. I’ve got enough money to pay for at least two months rent and groceries. That’s pretty decent and I don’t have to feel so crazy rushed to find a position. That’s the thing I know it’s going to be hard to find a position that I’m going to be happy with… hehe… it’s challenging for me to work for anyone. They have to be pretty special I guess.. hehe… Ideally I’d be doing what I want…getting to know people.. planting seeds… paying to learn interesting skills… volunteering with projects which interests me… and travel as I want. I feel like I’m going through financial hurdles a bit here is to remind me how much I enjoy the random conversation and situations I run into say riding the bus. If I had my own car… it would be easy to be more disconnected with the location I’m at and not much exploration going on… well in a different way of exploring the people. I’d like to think more about this… This is probably what I should do next time… instead of the account of the day… see if I can purge my random thoughts to see if there’s something right in front of me that I’m missing.

Well I’ll go ahead and get off here. I’ll attach my character references… I loved my employer’s one… he kept it casual, a bit of humor, and straight to the point. I asked my pops to do one since he’s my soundboard. I know we’re not supposed to ask family but who cares… it’s volunteer character reference… I think hearing what my dad thinks about me isn’t a bad thing. I can actually go into detail about each one and the people who wrote them, but I’m getting pretty tired. I’ll go ahead an attach them though. I also wanted to attach the email I sent to the Utah labor unit. My check did clear and so I wanted to let them know I got paid mostly. I was a bit implicit trying to see their opinion of how things went down. Curious how Reality wants to play this out. Is it going to easily close? Or is there going to be more to the story?

Alright this is good for now… until next time

Chaos to Clarity... Exposing Myself

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