Chaos to Clarity... Exposing Myself

[withinUverse]

`Ummm… something seems to be happening.  I’m getting excited about it.  So today I got a chance to share in a Bufo ceremony…again… I’ve mentioned him before being in the same graduating class and was reluctant to smoke the Bufo.  He gave me permission to talk about what went down in ceremony today.  Well shit, let’s just say I’ve never experienced a ceremony quite like this.  It’s still a little boggling to my mind right now,  because one part of me wanted to apologize but the deeper part was thinking this is what I’ve been wanting to see out of ceremony… hehe.  I’ll try to explain how excited I am about seeing these changes in ceremony lately.  So we’re both a dollop of fearlessness, splash of sass, and a lot a’bit of creativity and heart.  But there’s been times in our past where we’ve butt heads… lol… literally.  I think I’ve head butted him twice growing up. Once on accident and the other on purpose.  Now calm down, he’s the only one I’ve ever had to head butt by the way.  Hehe… it’s not like a regular thing I do… hehe.  This is who I’m dealing with…. I had to knock him in the head with my head to get his attention to really snap into focus… lol.. like we’re two neanderthals.  I guess that’s what I can try, is to explain our relationship.  He’s surprised that he got the bully label for our class, but dude he has to know he was a bit of a bully.  Right, there’s ways to show intimidation without pushing to the limits.  I’m not really sure if intimidation is the word I’m trying to use… but when I got serious like, hey listen to me… I gave the strict face and widen the eyes a bit to stare… shoot, maybe a slow cock with the head.  Or maybe actually an abrupt snap of the neck and dead stare… hehe.  I have memories doing this because I did it plenty of times.  And have seen that similar look from others too.  But I’m telling ya, it had to take an extreme step over the line to get me to respond in this manner.  And my line seems to be flexible with much allowance.. hehe in my opinion.  Good thing I’m working on not being the intimidator anymore… because I’m not wanting to attract any responses that would lead to that.  Well I have to admit I don’t think I was trying to manipulate but i guess it could be a possibility… I guess I have the memory in my bag so 

It’s tricky writing in here because I feel like I’m working things out in here… but misunderstandings are going to be a part of it anyway… lol.  Any who…

even playing sports there was a way I carried myself to show presence.  It’s a subtle form of intimidation which I think I can stretch, right.  But he should also know that he was one of the choices because his approach could lead to a possible fist fight.  But he’s been doing some spiritual shit… a lot of the real work.  It’s obvious to me, noticing subtleties seem to be coming to me easier.  But then I’m not filling in the background when I’m with people sometimes, I guess.  I’ve seen how much he’s been “doing the work” by mostly using extreme amounts of suffering.  He’s recognized he was being conditioned  by bullies.    He admitted to me the physical abuse and manipulation he was living with back then, which was unknown to me.  I mean I kind of thought that, but I didn’t really experience those extremes with a large span of my life to know what that would actually be like.  Well… if I’m honest… I got a taste of toxic manipulation for awhile and it was not easy to handle especially because I was pre-teen.  Sometimes I would fall for the subtle manipulation and had to snap myself out of it.  But again our degree of abuse were not equal, maybe?  I mean I had the opportunity to get out of that situation when I was younger.  Now, our relationship is having the capability to form into something deeper for sure.  This relationship has impacted me in amazing ways too.  My buddy, that’s all he was introduced to or at least impacted his trauma the most.  He’s still a bit in the trap of it to some extent.  But again he can also taste he’s working to break out of this ancestral trauma conditioning.        

lol… wait a minute… I’m telling you background on my buddy but I didn’t learn a lot of the details until ceremony.  Ok so let’s just go with the damn ceremony then before I start doing the backstory that I didn’t understand.  

So here I am… I’ve been sharing Bufo with quite a bit of folk now.  Hmmm… let me see maybe it’s best to give numbers to get a better understanding… how many people have I shared Bufo with?  I’m thinking around 22 people.. welp the goddess who gave it to me, would be 23.  The quantity of times we’ve shared has varied from once to the most maybe five times to one person.  I know they’re each different but damn… I didn’t realize it was going to be what went down.  So first of all… I knew he’s a tough shell to crack.  In my ways I’m trying to tell him that I’m noticing how tense and anxious he is but not saying that straight out.  He does have a degree of being the laid back guy and I think he even said he’s the most chill guy I’ll ever know.  Which makes me chuckle… but I do love this guy.  He’s “Braveheart” in his soul but he doesn’t really know how to convey that to people who judge him instantly.  If anyone wants to get to know him… it’s going to take awhile before he lets his guard down even though he’s approachable and funny.  He’s an enigma like us all.  After the first time sharing it with him, I was trying to tell him that I’d love to see if he can go deeper by trusting this more.  I mean I really wanted to send him with Bufo so he can share this with his father who is on hospice.  I thought maybe his dad was at a state to be able to possibly try Bufo.  I’m thinking it’s going to be pure bliss, because most of the time that’s my average… lol.  

Well… it was tough love time.  Again while I’m smoking the Bufo I feel I’ve been getting a bit of intuitive hints to what’s going on with the guest.  So I lit it for him while he inhaled.  Now he takes three to four times for inhalation in the same amount that usually takes me one without a break.  I’m not sure if that makes a difference.  And I’m not certain if it’s true, but normally when this happens it shows their hesitancy instead of how well they can inhale.  So he said he needed more Bufo and I already packed mine so I gave him some.  I tried to finish the last of it and I could see there wasn’t much change in me.  So I went ahead and packed a little more and finally I stopped short because again it just didn’t seem like my guest was actually in the experience because I wasn’t being allowed to go far.  So I’m trying to get him more relaxed.  I can see all his tension his body is storing.  And hanging out with him lately.. many times when he’s not in his own space he’s at the edge of the socializing and almost ready to have a straight line to the exit.  I was joking with him before we even started.  He told me he’s fine and there’s nothing to worry about.  He’s relaxed and he’s not on the verge of running away.  Well let’s just say the beginning of the ceremony he was threatening to leave.  

Geesh!  I was trying to get him to open up his body and relax...  Again I think I’ve just got so much history with him that it was easier for me to be absolutely real with him.  He didn’t want to do it but he was struggling with himself and telling me that he knows.  I said what do you know?  That you don’t know how to relax?  he said he knows… he kept repeating it.  And then I said oh right I guess the universe is interested in exploring itself to get to know it’s self.  It’s been doing this for all eternity but you know it all already.  That’s pretty crazy, isn’t it.  And then he starting saying that he doesn’t really know it all.  And I said thats how the universe sees it… it’s wanting to explore not to know.  Once we know the exploring is stunted.  The more we know the more we’re stuck and when changes are being orchestrated all around while we’re trying to remain permanently stuck… well that can cause a lot of suffering possibly.  

He’s got a history and granted I know it’s been challenging, but in our own unique way everyone does… and we’re working that toxicity out of us so we’re not carrying this pattern around… the universe is exploring itself to make changes not to stay cemented in one moment.  Isn’t that what we all say… change is inevitable.  Well I pretty much was telling him that there’s nothing that can be done if he’s going to be fighting this.  He admitted that he wasn’t ready for this.  He told me that he told me he wasn’t ready.  I asked him when did he say he wasn’t ready?  The first time we shared ceremony he asked me for more.  I even asked him why did he ask for more before we started.  I wanted to hear from him what his experience was like the first time.  

This is where I wasn’t observant and was hoping for a different result.  Again I feel amazing during Bufo… the ceremony was amazing last night and I wanted to experience that with him.  But when he said the first time he was getting messages bringing up his trauma.  He asked for more so he can see if there was more depth.  Well I didn’t share more with him that night because really I wanted to have a solo session with him where he can go deeper.  That group dynamic wasn’t quite right and definitely just an introduction.  This was our first attempt at going for it.  Honestly we did, but not in the way to be predicted.  I didn’t know the way to get him to purge about his trama was actually the way it played out in ceremony.  Again he was threatening to leave and also asking me to not get too close to him.  He has a history of violence and it was a warning for my safety.  I heard him and backed off and it was killing me that he got to that extent and I wanted to comfort him so much.  It took awhile to get the chance to comfort each other.  Once we settled down, we acknowledged we’re not here to argue and for the most part we are agreeing.  But we were definitely triggered.  I couldn’t believe this was how ceremony was going to go… and I even was saying that during and I was apologizing that it’s going down this way.  

We’ve been developing our maturity and communication, so we were able to redirect the conversation more constructively.  I kept repeating to him that this is the way I’d like to have conversations where we’re talking about real shit… the real work shit than how are conversations  have been going lately.  Majority of the time when we are together he’s is the talker 90% of the time.  It’s not like there’s much silence opportunities.  It’s one thought to the next to the next.  There’s not a whole lot of back and forth communication and responses.  I told him I’ve been trying to give him hints a few times to get him to allow some space for others to talk and maybe be more curious about others too. They would get opportunities to share.  Majority of the time he’s repeating stories and seems like there’s a resistance to silence or some word I’m trying to explain it.  I’ve ran into many people that are similar in a way.  Continuously I have to acknowledge I have these tendencies to a degree so I can relate.  But we have each other to learn from.  And he’s an amazing guy to be around, but also can be very tasking.  I wish it wasn’t so, but honestly it can be. There are things that are getting in his way.  Again I’m sure I have my own things that are getting in my way too.  I had to remind him that he is very wise, but we have to remember that what advice we’re giving to others we are talking to ourselves to learn more into this wisdom too.  

 We had a really deep and amazing ceremony even though it was in a tough love type of way… we started like a lion and ended like lambs.  I think he’s going to be heading to his dads here at the end of the week and I’m helping a little bit here and there so we’ll have more opportunities to have conversations which from now on should be a deeper base level.  

Not only was ceremony really impactful… I had went to frisbee golf and ran into some really cool guys.  There’s one guy who I really enjoy our conversations even though they’ve been very few and far between.  But we friended each other on FB, so we can go to other golf locations together sometime and hang.  I’m really interested in getting to know him more.  I ended up going to my neighbors fire to meet a couple he knew from Indy.  My neighbor thought we would mesh well with one another… and he was right and it was really cool! 

The guy happened to live in a very small town that most people wouldn’t know where it was located.  But I happened to have a college friend who is from there and one winter I went and spent the weekend in that same tiny town.  We shared a little bit about ourselves.  My neighbor and I are getting to know each other and he asked me when I was going back to Peru.  I told him I’m going, but I’m not exactly sure when.  I’ve been working it out so I have a ticket in and not having a ticket out.  I want to be able to feel my way around the area before making a decision who long I’m staying there or not.  I guess I’m supposed to be talking to people here in Indiana as of now and see where that goes.  I said the universe wants to show me things I’m not expecting so I’m trying to be patient.  I have a direction but that path isn’t a straight road.  No matter how much I think it should be a straight line… the honest reality it’s going to snake it’s way there and I’m going to be enjoying that much more.  I’m trying to not take for granted who and where I’m engaging.  I’m interested in them because for some reason we all attracted each other to experience what we are.  So I’m going to ask a bit of questions here so I can see if there’s conversations to be had.  I told them a bit about myself being a shaman and I found out the the girl has a brother who is a shaman too.  He works with native Americans and indigenous in the jungles of Mexico.  I mean her brother just bought an excavator for crying out loud… lol… she was getting a bit eerie about it but not in the too creepy way.  I guess in a few weeks he and his wife and kids will be driving to the Dakota’s for a moon festival.  Which I found really cool.  But I think everyone enjoyed themselves.  I didn’t friend them right then, but I’ll get the information when I see my neighbor next. 

Let’s say there’s more windows of opportunity that I see that are available possibly and it gets me excited.  I’ve been trying to doing the hunting or in the search for a fit and it seems when I make the first approach of asking… say learn how to operate an excavator it seems like I wasn’t finding the fit that seems to make feel like we’re aligned… but I don’t know about this girl’s brother… that actually seems a lot more appealing than anything I’ve ran into.  Her brother is located in North Carolina.  I think he’s about to do similar work and I guess the way I’m talking is similar.  So yeah… I think I definitely want to reach out and say hello. 

 

But yeah… there seems to be something happening right now.  I’m looking forward to tomorrow.  I plan on going to a new frisbee golf course to try out because I’m going to got to the drumming class.  I think the group that met up on Saturday may all join back together in Muncie tomorrow… so sweet!  

ok.. that’s good for tonight.  Until next time. 

 

[withinUverse]

Well… this might be a time to get back to Journaling because I feel like I’m processing in a way that I feel the Journal will be helpful tool.  Did I mention my dad is taking his wife and her sister to LA?  They drove out there and everything was going fine until they reached California.  He planned out the gas stops and ran into a little hiccup because higher prices than expected.  I guess there was a close call on a possible wreck once they got into the state.  I got him to rent an Airbnb… he chose one in West Hollywood because it looked really nice… which it is but I guess it was pretty complicated for them to figure out how to get to the spot.  He’s very good a road navigation but the host sent videos on how to find his apartment from the parking garage to his unit…. So he’s already aware that it’s challenging for his guests to find… well I could hear in my pop’s voice how tired he was… seemed like the energy is just deflated.  He has a tendency to easily complain about things.  When I went to Italy and found myself at times suffering, I knew it wasn’t the location I was at… I was taking myself with me.  How can I be suffering in these amazing locations.  Granted for the most part of was having a great time, but this is when my lover at the time and I were not having the romantic vacation we thought we were going to have together.  And a few months after this trip is when I went to drink Aya for the first time.  So yeah it was obvious to me that I was the problem, not Italy.  Well my dad has traveled with me to different spots and he can be taxing.  One thing goes out of what he expects it to be he gets a little huffy about it.  I tell him that’s not helping things out, but I also see its an automatic response in his words.  I don’t’ know his self-talk of being aware this is habitual for him and that he’s working on changing this habit… but from the outisde it’s a cycle he might not really be aware of.  So I have to remind him they got their safely and it’s supposed to be a vacation… enjoy himself with the ladies!  Rest, relax, and explore!  He chuckled at me because I know he knows he wants to do these things but his psyche has been jolted since reaching California and he couldn’t possibly see how to recover from that before he has to get back on the road and drive back by himself.  The kiddos have a play coming up on Sunday so he’s trying to make it back.  But I have to remind him that he comes first.  Don’t push it if he needs to rest more for his safety then do it.  There’s no pressure for him to get back on time.  There will be plenty of plays and if he pushes it and makes it there safely… he might end up falling asleep during the play and I guess that’s ok, but defeats the point… hehe

I wanted to address this thought about words of wisdom… I mentioned that my buddy I had ceremony has great words of wisdom, because he’s done some great work on himself.  I just wanted to remind him that when he’s speaking it to someone… we’ve done the work so we can recognize someone can hear it to help guide them to get their own direct understanding of it.  What we might not be conscious of is what is our state when we are aware we are sharing wisdom?  Do we think we already “know” this lesson fully, Ultimately?  Well if we aren’t aware of infinite depth then yes we might already think we know this lesson and there’s nothing more to explore.  But when we are developing into the depth of nature we understand that these words of wisdom isn’t just for the other… it’s for ourselves.  Yes we’ve working on this area, but it’s a reminder that it’s time for us to dig deeper into this area as well.  Seems like there’s always work to do, but it doesn’t feel like work… it’s just what it is

Ok… I’m going to be heading out for the day… I just wanted to jot my thoughts out before I go… chao  

[withinUverse]

Well what an amazing day I had.  I was looking forward to going to the drum troop practice and seeing what the center was all about.  Since I was driving an hour away… I asked a fellow disc golfer if he had suggestions around that area.  He said one and I went ahead and planned on going there before I had to meet at the center.  I found an all country route to get there which I love.  I love the country and while I’m in Indiana that’s one thing I just love doing is cruising in the country. But anywho I arrived to the course and the first thing I found was a long feather over a foot long and I thought it was pretty cool and there were about three of them close together.  Sometimes I pick up feathers, but not all the time… this time they stood out to me so I went ahead and snagged them up.  I hadn’t been to this course before and was really maintained.  I can’t help myself but of course I start thinking about how the design is setup and I start thinking of things for improvement.  Mostly how they located the tee spots and pins weren’t really an issue.  The signage could definitely help us out more.  Good thing this one had a large photo of the map of the course which I snapped a picture of.  Granted there’s an app that can be used for much more ease, but I’m not connected to the web when I’m out and about… so use instincts and then any assistance that’s available.  That’s where it was a bit tricky…. The locations weren’t as intuitive as I would like to design a course.  I’d try not to use the picture and follow the land and even some paths they have and it didn’t lead to the next hole… hehe… but honestly it was a lot of fun!  Much more open spaces then what I’m use to at my home course, but still some great little wooded areas to enjoy too.  After a few holes I ran across again to some more feathers… they seemed to be sticking out like a sore thumb and I kept snagging them out.  I’m not used to seeing so many at one setting to the point where I was looking for more and I kept finding a tone of them.  I probably grabbed too many but I couldn’t believe how many were there throughout the course.  I’m going to look them over and see which ones to keep or not.  I don’t really know what I’m going to be doing with them.  I’ve received feathers and kept them for periods of time but then I usually give them away to people who would enjoy them more than I was.  When I was picking up the feathers the girl’s brother who is joining the American Indiana moon dance came to mind.  I was enjoying picturing myself at the gathering.  I’d be getting introduced to another indigenous tradition that I know I’d find so satisfactory… lol… She told me there’s a large gathering that will paint themselves and dance from sundown to sunrise to show gratitude.  In my mind I can see music involved… drums maybe flutes?  I’m not sure what they will use.  I’m not sure if they’ll have a sweat hut involved… there’s some stories that I’ve heard but I haven’t experienced one for myself first hand.  Yes, once a sweat lodge and it was intense in a great way.  But it was me and my friend who was taught and shared with me since I hadn’t tried one before.  I love ceremonial experiences to connect deeper into spirituality so I know I’d love to see what that actually looks like.  If I go, I’d like to take the feathers with me in case they are making handcrafts to prepare for the dance.  Maybe I can use it a part of my clothing?… a fan? See how they use feathers because I’m sure they’ll have some… well that’s just an assumption… but I know I’m going to be attracting these types of experiences.  But I allowed myself two hours to play the course; I didn’t know how challenging it was going to be or not.  Well it didn’t take much more than an hour which is about normal for me when I play 18 on my home course… so I had some time to spare.  I had directions to get from the course to the center and it was taking country roads and I drove right by my uncle’s place.  I had only been there once and we just dropped him off.  He hasn’t lived there long.  I knew the course was close but it was only two blocks away and I happened to be taking the country roads that passed next to him.  So I decided to turn around and visit him.  I wasn’t sure if he and his wife were home.  His wife answered the door.  We’ve met a few times now, but not a lot of conversation though… until today.  She’s extremely sweet.  We both enjoy walking a lot.  She actually saw me on the course playing.  She didn’t know it was me when she saw me, but I was wearing my hat.  When I came to the door with the hat she asked if I was over there.  She was walking around too.  She goes twice a day.  I told her I do the same thing.  We agreed that when we go anywhere to visit one of the first things we like to do in the morning will be to walk and explore the surrounding areas.  She said the last time she went to Chicago she walked to all the thrift shops within a three mile radius.  We both chuckled because I’m a thrifter myself.  Yeah she was actually very personable and we didn’t have any issues having a conversation.  She hasn’t been married to my uncle long, and I wasn’t living here when they met and married.  I heard about her but not too many details.  When she comes to our gatherings she’s usually pretty quite.  She doesn’t play cards so she usually leaves early and sometimes we have to drop our uncle off at her place.  That’s why I knew where he lived.  Well a vague idea where he lived.  But again she was so sweet and said that when her grandson comes into town she would like to get a hold of me so I can teach him how to play disc golf… hehe… shoot she said she’d like to learn too.  I said that I might be taking a few trips to the center… I’ll just add this as part of the journey so we can play together.  She said her grandson and a few other family members went kayaking down White River which normally is fun but they had a bit of a disaster going last time.  She can chuckle about it now, but during the trip it was taxing on the group.  That is what I remember about her description.  She was really sweet and liked to be active… lol… I absolutely love my uncle but those would not be the words to describe him… hehe… but opposites attract, right?  I think she’s been rubbing off on him already.  I mean he’s extremely smart and business savvy… I feel my family mostly all have a great strategic sense to life.  I didn’t plan on stopping by, but I’m glad I did.  

I made it to the center and I was to meet my new friend at 3 and we’d have three hours to hang before the drumming.  I guess he thought the director of the center was going to be showing me around.  She’s out of state and wasn’t actually returning until tomorrow… so he showed me around.  He maintains the land and fixes equipment and buildings… he also is the man who builds the drums and teaches. I’m glad he was the one showing me around… not that I didn’t want to meet the director.  I guess she’s a motherly type who nurtures the center and it’s people… so I know I’ll love her.  But this guy… he’s noticeably been developing his consciousness and I wanted time to get to know him and have some interesting conversations.  And we did just that.  When I first arrived I came a few minutes early so I went to the community building and no one was there.  I started to drive the property looking for his van and couldn’t see it… lol.. well we just missed each other at the community building.  Finally I returned there and he was there waiting.  We got onto his motorcycle and he took me to the reservoir first.  I told him that I’m wanting to get my motorcycle license… riding with him makes me want it even more.  It is so much fun and the wind… how can I explain how much I love wind.  Theres’ many people who understand how much I love fire… so it’s something like that.  I’m a windows down and hands out the window and my hair blowing every which way type of gal.  A bike… is right up my alley.  We returned to the center to part of the 65 acres.  It’s the section they’ve given to a conservation organization where it’s not a public land that has a short trail.  He helped manicure and deign the path… shaped like an infinity sign.  I guess they used to host many sweat hut events but no longer doing it.  He said one winter he found himself riding pretty fast through the trail and almost ran into a deer.  He was stopped and when he looked around he said he was surrounded by over 60 deer… I can imagine how extremely breath taking that would be. Quite magical and he’s grateful to have gotten the opportunity to be able to experience and remember.  They have other trails at a different location so we went back to pick up the golf cart to drive through.  It was next to the river… I love the water.  When we were by the reservoir I mentioned that I wish I would have brought my swimsuit.  He said they have a pool to swim in or even the river.  I love rivers but being able to submerge my body fully sounded so great.  He showed me the pool as we were going to the river and I asked if it’s ok to go swimming.  It’s pretty private and I’d have to go skinny dipping.  He said that it would be fine.. we’d just need to go get a towel from his place.  After the river he took me to the ceremonies rock circle which really nice… i mean they had so many nice things there.. small community.. let’s say about 10 buildings and three barns maybe around that.  He showed me their sanctuary they build with an exterior and interior wall build out of the river stone that they found on the property.. it was absolutely gorgeous with large windows to view the woods.  I loved it!  At first he thought what can we do for three hours… and once we started hanging out he said… it’s going to go too fast isn’t it?  You’ll have to come back to be able to do everything… hehe… well it was about twenty minutes to practice when he dropped me off at the pool.  Yaaaaassss… when I don’t have acesss to running water… surrounding myself in water… geesh I descríbale how much pleasure and fulfillment from being in water.  It was refreshing a perfect!  I strolled back tot he community center a little before practice to get ready and say my hellos to their troop.  There were only three of them that showed.  He said his troop ranges usually around 6-9 people.  Two women and a man.  One of the guys from Indy from our small group came as well.  I guess he’d been on this property fifteen years ago.  He was getting nostalgic about it… he said it really kicked started his art back when he was there last.  He was there to do a drumming retreat.  Well I haven’t actually been to many drum circles.  Well the drum circles I’ve been to actually weren’t always drumming.  there was a lot of dancing.  It’s more been a freestyle at those circles with sometimes a little instruction.  Well… this was setup differently.  This troop does performances.  So they have around twenty songs they play so that’s what they practice.  So there’s a minimum of four different rhythms playing in harmony together and up to seven rhythms.  So there would be at least one of the rhythms that I would learn from each song we played.  I forget sometimes that people get surprised how quickly I pick things up.  I’m just used to being able to do it that I don’t feel like it’s a big deal.  The friend teaching said I have a very high aptitude in rhythm.  I know I haven’t been taught drumming much but I know I can get pretty good at it.  If I can watch and hear the rhythm then I’m golden.  It was structured and it really impacted me much more powerfully then the drum circles I’ve been to before.  My ears aren’t adapted to hearing all the intricacies of the different drums going all at one time that… I’m describing it dramatically but it’s more chaotic and I usually try to find my own chaos that mixes well.  this style I don’t find chaotic at all and we seemed united.  I mean there were times we were in the zone that I heard a woman or women singing or chanting with us.  The way the teacher was playing his drum… they seemed like there was a choir with us… it actually freaked me out a second because I was wondering who was singing.  It sounded so apparent to me that it was throwing me off because I’m expecting to look over and see women singing because they sounded so close.  The group laughed at me because that happens a lot in their space I guess.  There was one specific song that really did it… and i guess in that song I accidentally was increasing the pace maybe because of how the choir was increasing the intensity inseide me.  It was so crazy in the best way.  I laughed afterwards because I was jokingly tapping on his drum… and said I guess you’re the only one that can make the girls sing.  Because it was so apparent.  Our friend from Indy last weekend told me later that he couldn’t hear what I was hearing.  I was really surprised by it.  that was powerful… exactly that hasn’t happened at a drum circle I’ve been too.  One of the girls said I guess that means we’re playing well… hehe… I agree.  They are so great and I was able to keep up with the rhythm… I’d make mistakes but able to catch back fairly easily.  I could see absolutely loving this way of playing.  I mentioned the sa’sa dance of the Samoans… so I said I think it’s just there in me.  That’s what I think is so powerful there is everyone in unison playing the different rhythms and chants in unison… I really enjoy that.  But there’s usually variety into the mix too that dances through the main beat.  We were talking about the language they’ve created playing drums together that I cannot hear right now.  I know I’m mostly focusing on my rhythm and also the person I happened to be watching to help keep me in sync.  I can hear the others but I couldn’t really enjoy them like I would like.  Plus hearing the very subtle cues of when everyone stops the song simultaneously.  I cannot help to wonder how ceremony will transform when I start to get music incorporated into the mix.  I told them that I’ve had a little experience with piano and flute when I was younger because of my stepmom, but once they got a divorce I didn’t have the access to explore more.  I know I’d find a way to really find my way of speaking through the music.  I know I cannot regret anything because I get an understanding that I don’t necessarily learn in the general sense… I don’t know how to explain what I’m trying to say.  I do learn in the general sense but there’s another degree I learn too… differently when it’s more of a personal exploration.  I know when I do get opportunities to play with instruments I have an absolutely amazing time… and so so so extremely grateful.  I’ve been having a feeling music is going to be an Icaros I’ll have as part of my style of Icaros as well.  I had already started by doing sa’sa in ceremony from time to time.  I’m not sure if I’m going to just stick to my body… or if I’m going to be taking instruments in with me.  I’m hoping I’ll have some interments the next time I return.  I do that from time to time place items in ceremonial space and see if I’ll engage with them or not.  Many times no… but there’s been a few times where I will.  that’s how I would like to do with the instruments.  Lol… I can’t wait to et that chance to play and instrument on Aya… lol… I might even be able to sing my Icaros as the same time… which singing and drumming at the same time at this level of consciousness is tough.  but again I haven’t had much practice in it thought either.  In Aya… shoot I wouldn’t even have to practice… I’ll remember that they are an extension of myself and that we’re intimately in conversation with one another as if we’ve been together all along.  which we have but I don’t have the memories of that relationship.  

I love the degree of context and content of conversations lately.  I’ve been really looking forward meeting with people to hangout.  We’ve attracted to this moment to share together… let’s take our time and see what we can discover in this moment.  there were so many great conversations and also interesting stories from the people… but nothing is sticking out to me right now to discuss.  Well I guess there was one that I’m thinking of.  He has had spiritual teachers in his life and many have been American Indian.  He was telling me about rites of passage for their children to become adults… is when they are creating opportunities for the children to experience spirituality directly instead of focusing on the external environment… internal and spiritual is just as important if not more.  This is when a boy turns into a man.  I giggled and said… that rite can also be from human to eternal.  Of course there’s a lot I didn’t say to prepare for this but the conversation was just so effortless.  I know I found myself trying to tell him that I know he’s highly conscious… I recognize that in him and since I recognize his degree; I want to take advantage of the opportunities to really have meaningful and purposeful conversations without effort because that’s just what we’re inclined to do. It feels easy and effortless.  That’s what I’ve been wanting to attract into my life… and I’m starting feel that shift come into play more… especially lately.  It’s nice.. hehe… well I’m going to head to bed.  I’m pretty tired.  Have a good night, or day… whichever.  Until next time. 

[withinUverse]

Ok… so let’s see… I actually ran into a situation where I ended up taking a quarter of a hit of LSD this evening.  It’s probably been around two to three years since I’ve used LSD.  Time is getting entangled so it’s an estimate.  It wasn’t as impactful for me to remember, I guess.  But before then I had taken LSD when I was back in late teens and early twenties and it was far and in between.  So what I’m trying to express is my experience with LSD.  It’s actually pretty minor.  Now I’ve heard great things about it so it’s not something I’m opposed to trying.  And the friend who gave it to me is someone who seems to be on the more particular side of pure substances.  So… it’s not like I’m just randomly taking it from anyone.  He’s also someone who is wanting to share ceremony with me who happens to be a fellow psychonaut.  However, his definition through his experience of what a psychonaut is… is different from what I would define through my experience.  Anyway… I do have opportunities to introduce psychedelics into my experience to see how I’ll be responding to them now.  And so it’s been interesting to microdose LSD… I haven’t microdosed before.  But I’ve never taken more than a single dose of LSD either.  I’m enjoying it.  It’s definitely not visually distracting my attention that I’m commonly used to experiencing.  I’m not exactly sure how to describe it, because there seems to not be much difference in my conscious state.  When I was hanging out with these two friends whom I really don’t know in depth.  They grew up in my hometown.  And I know my experience of growing up here was different from them, but there’s still a sense of commonality of what life is like in this space.  So I’m not sure if I’m really wanting to go into the effects of what I’m experiencing.  In fact if there’s something that starts to be more apparent to me, then I’ll point it out.  But right now I’ve got something else on my mind I’ve been interested in and I’m trying to wrap my mind around it.  So why not see what happens if I use this tool of the Journal to see if something comes out.  There might not be a solution but I appreciate the process of Journaling so I’ll give it a try.  

I’m not sure how to explain it… but maybe this is going to be about context versus content… or maybe the mystery of language… or communication in a larger scale… at least this is what I think I might be pondering on, but maybe there’s something else that I’m blind to.  And I know many times I’ve written in this Journal, some of my blind spots have been shown to me.  I might not be able to catch it and explain it here, but I recognize it and then I’m able to incorporate into my daily life.  Anywho… let’s see where to start.  

So I didn’t have too many plans for today.  I did tell my buddy who had the metaphysical head butt ceremony with me the other day, that I would go over there today to help move any of his belongings.  He’s homeless but he’s in his hometown and so he still has belongings.  He even has a storage unit that is packed full.  I know that much of his identity is attached to these belongings.  But I’m not going there either, but he just has collected some stuff that literally can go into the trash or recycled or donated.  I’m hoping if he finds it valuable to do this, then I’ll be there to have the car ready to take those items off of his plate.  Well… so he’s a bit scattered so I know it takes him time to wrap his mind around things because his mind is running around all the time.  Example… when we’re hanging out somewhere and I have said I need to leave at a certain time.  Usually I’ll give him a ride, so I’ll start about 45 minutes before I need to leave to get him into the mind set… hey it’s getting time to head out soon… start wrapping up your thoughts you want to share with the people we are with.  Also he carries his art supplies with him, so… hey start finding a spot where you can take a break from this piece of art and then start putting away the supplies.  Now… I don’t have to really say that to him… but we know each other and so there’s a language that we didn’t have to say it out literally.  Now granted it’s been awhile since we’ve hung out… so we have to remind each other how we do things.  So there was one time that I had to give him more information that I’m allowing him time to wrap things up.  It’s not a rush… just a nudge to his awareness that if he wants a ride from me, then he needs to acknowledge my needs too.  So…. I went by his spot before I went to the disc golf with another buddy.  When I pulled up he wasn’t there.  I didn’t think much about it and returned after 18 holes and he still wasn’t there.  I thought it was odd that I missed him twice, but these guys I was hanging with this evening using LSD mentioned he was there earlier with him painting off to the side of place.  There was a little thought that came into my mind that I hope he’s not hiding from me… or avoiding me because of our metaphysical head butt.  I’ll give him some space, but I’m hoping to take my painting supplies and sit and just hang with him.  I really hope he understands that even though our experience in ceremony was intense… it was really amazing in the larger sense of our lives.  

So in our ceremonies again I wasn’t expecting it to go down like it did, but again I saw the beauty of it… but also another sense of me is like shit… am I going to call out people I know the shit they are trying to hide?  But are we really trying to hide it or do we not know how to communicate it.  We think language using content will explain everything, but falls short.  So that’s the thing am I trying to see how to communicate in a way that we who I’m sharing experiences with can actually hear or understand?  I’m very apparent at how much I’ve been missing in understanding… and also remember how much I took for granted when people spoke to me that I actually understood them.  We’ll hopefully dive deeper into this… let’s continue the day.

So I met up with another friend to go and play disc golf.  Again he’s from my hometown so that gives a shared bond, but we didn’t really have the same experiences here and we’re on our journey of trying to communicate and understand one another.  So the way I can explain us is a communication disaster… hehe… In fact I continue to come up with ways to see how I can get him to understand that it’s very difficult to communicate with him.  He is not the only person I’m running into this… so I have to ask myself… am I this way as well?  I know in a way I am, but I also know I have a little better awareness so I can start making changes to correct my tendencies.  So again… lol… I might come off as a dick I guess because I call people out.  So he and I have had times where I have to get a bit stern with him because he doesn’t listen when you’re just relaxed and meek.  I’m not being aggressive when I’m being stern… again I can emit a presence of focus and importance.  lol… i don’t know how to explain it.  And he’s not trying to hide from me, and he continues to say he respects that I do this for him.  but I still wish I didn’t have to do that.  He says that he understands me, but every time we hang it’s like he didn’t hear anything I was trying to tell him.  It’s like theres a short term memory loss or something.  Or literally he did not understand the words I was saying.  Because it was obvious to me today when we were playing a round together.  There was a moment where he apologized to me… again he’s a bit scattered in his speech and I could see he felt uncomfortable but he was trying to be respectful and wanted to apologize because he thought that would be the right thing to do.  At that moment I asked what are you apologizing for?  And he hesitated… he wasn’t really sure what he was apologizing for just the fact he thought that was the appropriate thing to do.  He ended up saying he’s apologizing if I’m getting annoyed with him.  I asked if he knows what annoys me?  Again he hesitated and you could see him trying to figure out what he was thinking but didn’t have any answers.  I just said I just want to have a conversation with you buddy.  It’s a one-sided conversation.  It seems there’s so much going on in your mind that you seem to be talking everything in your thoughts without a break or moment of silence.  I wish there were moments of time to allow me to share into the conversation.  And many times I’m trying to follow what he’s trying to tell me and I’m not wanting to interrupt.  He goes on and on that many of my questions don’t get asked.  Sometime I do have to break in to clarify or direct his attention so I can figure out what he’s really trying to say.  And when I get the opportunity to share and speak… he usually interrupts me.  It’s almost like he’s very uncomfortable being in a space with someone and not being the one speaking.  When he hangs out with me and my girlfriend who I’m quite close to.  They are neighbors now and so they are very close too… but when we’re hanging out… he’s always interrupting us… hehe… he is the most interesting person in the room.  I’m hoping he would get more interested in who all else is with us.  We did get an opportunity to see how he reacted in a social setting.  When we finished our round, a group of three fellow disc golfers who I speak with every time I see them… I like to get to know people.  So they waited for us because they saw my car.  So we sat down and just had a casual conversation.  I was hoping my buddy I was with could see how the structure of a conversation goes.  He sat a little away from us but not unusually away.  He didn’t know them but I did the introductions while we were walking up to them and I chose to sit at there table to join in on their conversation.  So my buddy saw that the four of us were just hanging out.  One person spoke and the three listened.  Then there was space and then someone kicked in and of course it continues… lol… it seems obvious things, but it’s not obvious to some.  I don’t think he was picking up the subtleties but I can recognize it in me… hehe… there was one time that i almost interrupted but I stopped myself because he wasn’t actually finished with his thought.  And I wanted him to recognize that too… lol… I’m directing this interactions in great detail hoping this is something he can observe and possibly learn from.  But shit he was possibly sitting there in his head thinking about what he wants to say and not really hearing what’s being said.  He did chime in from time to time and if was appropriate it just was a bit timidly expressed as if he wasn’t certain to say it or not.  I’d back him up on his direction, if we was struggling a bit on expressing himself I’d just say a line of clarification.  that’s what I guess I’m learning about myself too… yes I can be teaching in a love tough love manner, but ultimately I’m there right by them to help support them.  I’m telling you this comes from deep love.  I still find myself wanting to apologize for giving out tough love.  I want to be the feminine quality of nurturing mostly, but my masculine quality of no-shit comes out from time to time.  Lol… I’m a bit concerned that my masculine no-shit isn’t going to be balanced with the nurturing.  I’m not sure why I’m concerned about it because I’m being balanced with it.  It’s like the no-shit approach is to get their attention to focus… and then I’ll use the nurturing to explain.  With these two examples they are not comfortable in social settings and I’m trying to help them out with this.  Lol… I feel like I’ve been a good conversationalist… but I also know I can get deeper into my understanding.  Lol… I’m trying not to take it so personally when I’m dealing with these situations because I’m questioning myself… dude am I this bad?  Is that why its in my experience so much… maybe I just need to focus on getting better with it… there’s many who are having similar issues so if I can find a way to communicated it now with my familiar hometown friends… then it will be easier for me if I run into others I meet.  

So I returned back home and I ended up taking a short nap.  Once I woke up… I got a message from a buddy who was visiting my neighbor.  My neighbor wasn’t home so he was asking what I was up to.  My neighbors is kind of a gathering area… so I met him over there.  He and his dog were over there and we just started to hang out.  He told me right away that he was microdosing LSD.  I didn’t think much about it.  In fact I thought maybe I could talk a little deeper and maybe there would be a deeper understanding… lol… anyway we’re sitting there having a conversation and then two young Mormon missionaries come walking up.  They asked us if they could talk about versus.  Of course I was interested but I wasn’t sure about my friend and he seemed to be up for it too.  So we approached them and I asked them their names.  I asked them where they are from.  How long have them been in our town.  I established a setting that I’m familiar with the congress here in this church.  A very influential and amazing family were Mormon and highly respected in their church.  So I got them familiar with me and let them know they are welcome and ok to be relaxed.  I also was trying to show them a great way to obtain rapport with people they are meeting to speak about their beliefs.  I don’t know if they have a script to follow to approach new people, but I was showing them hey get to know your audience before coming right out.  Ultimately I know they are trying to show a way to help guide us to Truth so I respect the act they are involved with.  In fact I feel like I’m a missionary myself in a way.  Actually one of my closest brother-friends is a part of that family I mentioned.  And I know him, I guarantee that his approach was much different then these two kids, but there only two to four months into this… so they’ve got time to adapt approaches to be maybe better effective.  In fact I saw them playing basketball with some kids at the court, and I mentioned that I saw them playing.  so again letting them know we’re all cool right now.  I know I’m prepping them up so if we do get a bit deeper into our knowledge they would be a little more open to hearing.  And I knew there was a possibility that I could trigger something and wanted to be more friendly in my nature and not trying to be confrontational.  In my head I’m also thinking of possibly showing my buddy how to approach opposing beliefs or understandings.  

So they asked us if we are very religious?  We said we had some religion that influenced us but now we term ourselves spiritual not religious.  I took a little opportunity to tell them my history in religion to spirituality and yes I mentioned ceremonies using psychedelics.  My buddy also got the time to tell his background which is different from mine.  Now… I didn’t come right out and say this… there was dialogue that was happening and when they directly asked me what ceremonies indigenous perform was when I told them.  Again I used words which are commonly used but then spoke my definition.  I was trying to explain this approach gave me a tool to experience God directly instead of trying to interpret others’ words.  They started to ask us about Jesus Christ.  When it was my turn to answer I said I see him as a master teacher of Spirituality.  I also gave them an opportunity to understand that Jesus didn’t have a book or teacher for him to experience God.  Shamans in ceremonies are approaching their spirituality in a similar manner… they too are master teachers of Spirituality.  In my case it wasn’t their words, it was the tool they use that guides me.  They mentioned that the need to clarify that they see Jesus Christ as a God.  And I was excited about that because I said that’s what happens with you become a master of Spirituality is when we experience God directly and understand God is all of us and everything.  I think they were a little stunted but then one asks me if I know about the concept of atonement.  I told them my understanding of atonement is when someone feels guilty about an action they have committed or their peers judge their actions as evil that they have to show a display of shame to be worthy of forgiveness of God.  They agreed with my statement and didn’t go any further.  Around this time my neighbor arrived along with my buddy’s brother.  I didn’t really allow the opportunity for introductions because again I want this to continue to be amiable.  I don’t know if it was going to get sour, but I didn’t want that to be an option.  So I used their entrance into our bubble as a clue that maybe it’s time to wrap it up.  And they got that feeling intuitively as well and mentioned we are welcomed to join them this Sunday.  We thanked each other and wished one another well.  When they left the group of guys there kind of laughed and asked how it went.  They asked if we asked them to do psychedelics with us to get to know God… hehe… I said we didn’t, but i did briefly mention that I use them as a Spiritual tool.   I seemed to pick up they were surprised I would mention it, but then it seems like a realization that this is what I do so why wouldn’t I mention it.  As I look back at this conversation I wonder if I should have observed more than being so engaged?  I would have been able to observe how my buddy would’ve chosen to express.  I wonder if he would’ve admitted to using psychedelics… hehe… well setting an example is appropriate too, right.  

So after this we started settling into the hangout mode once my buddy’s brother left.  We weren’t in a hurry we were just open to hanging out and see where it goes.  That’s when the microdosing LSD was offered.  I didn’t respond at first.  I wanted to know what microdosing to him meant… lol… I’m aware his doses are not the same as mine.  So what does his microdosing mean really.  He showed me and that confirmed and he ended up cutting up the microdosing strip in half for me which I didn’t complain.  It’s been awhile and I’ve been more sensitive so the less the better.  He grabbed some oranges as well and that’s always good to have citrus with psychedelics for some reason.  In fact i wonder if I shouldn’t be taking advantage of that more in my ceremonies.  Geesh… I feel like there’s a lot of details but I can’t possibly go into everything or I won’t get any sleep tonight.. lol… it’s already 5:44 am right now.  Geesh… well I guess I’m going to skip to this language or communication thing I’m pondering on.  I’m going to go ahead and bring back my drumming troupe lesson.  Oh by the way, I spoke to the troupe’s leader, my buddy I was getting to know before class, he sent another invite for next week which I quickly accepted.  Should I go into that communication?  Might as well… so I’m not sure if the people who might be reading this is getting the picture that what I do on the daily is my work.  I am another master of Spirituality (relatively speaking to whom I’m usually engaged with) and so who I encounter is not taken for granted.  We’ve attracted this moment to share even a moment of exchanging a message.  So the drum leader was thanking me and saying how much he enjoyed meeting me.  He ended up sharing some of his class work in his energy healing course he’s taking.  He’s supposed to be creating words to help heal.  I read it and I enjoyed it, but I also saw where his development is.  So I couldn’t help myself and said I was moved by his words that I’d like to do a collaboration.  I told him I didn’t know where it was going to go but I’m going to use his words and intention and maybe be able to create an affirmation from it.  So let’s see… I won’t post his words since I haven’t gotten permission but I don’t mind posting my affirmation for him to review… again this was not thought out… I responded writhing five minutes of reading it.  I knew he was on the other line so I didn’t want to take too long to response.  So let’s see here’s my version: (I’ll go ahead and post a screenshot… I love that I’m listening to Leo while I’m writing this out… hehe.. love it!)  

Our expression of Great Love pours fourth from us because we recognize our woven connection with Great focus of Spirit.  Our Hearts and Minds are in Union with the Beauty, Wonder, and Blessings we share.  Glorify our Union moment to moment and we’ve found our Heavenly Home. 

So again… most of these words are words he wrote or had spoken to me in conversation.  So this is his tone he’s setting and so whoever he’s speaking to will be able to relate to these words he’s using.  So why was I changing up his words?  Lol… not because they weren’t beautiful or anything… it’s just he was sending undertones of separation that he might not be aware of.  At the beginning of his words he was talking to something other than himself (God, divinity, Great focus of Spirit) is in a space outside of where we exist (Heaven as something other than here and now).  There was a little bit of words using “others” who need to come to this understanding of this “other (Great focus of Spirit and Heaven).  I pretty much eliminated this sentence that he used because it’s not necessary really… Great focus of Spirit is not in doubt or in need… that’s how existence is whether we humans experience it that way or not.  So I tried to be more inclusive as much as I can without putting in my own words.  The next time I see him I wonder if we’re going to talk about this?  I wonder if he sees the difference in the undertones of our words… I know he recognized there was a difference but I wonder if he knows what that is.  We had some very deep and interesting conversations so I thought he would be able to accept or be open towards this approach to share where we are in our learning.  

Gosh I feel like I have to go into this too… so for some reason I happen to be working with majority men.  Yes I know I’m very comfortable in that setting but also there’s a dynamic our structure of communication which isn’t really being discussed.  So again it’s not like I wish this is what goes on but this is what is going on.  There’s a sexual undertone that starts our interactions.  I can admit that I’m not horrible looking but I know that my appearance helps men to open up to me.  Now in the beginning they are trying to portray themselves as a possible sexual partner.  They aren’t the brute men who are extremely obvious… they are implying.  So I’m trying to emit that my sexual energy is not a possibility in the physical.  There’s a lot of work into play in doing this because again I’m not trying to reject them… I’m trying to see that my focus never goes there unless we’re addressing something specific to our concern about sexuality.  In fact I try to interject fairly early on my views about sexual relationships as early as I can.  Not always do I need to be brute and extremely obvious, but yes some times if not most of the time I have to be this way… lol… it’s refreshing when I don’t have to.  Anyway… I realize there’s a lot of assumptions that men have about me and I’m finding ways to spotting them.  They don’t realize that I have no intention of sleeping with them and that our interaction has nothing to do with sex.  Also I really don’t mind not being the center of attention.  These are strong men who are leaders in their own circles… I want them to continue to be that leader I’m not trying to take over.  I’m just trying to help in areas they aren’t seeing for themselves.  I want to be able to support them without pushing them too hard.  There’s a few guys I’m working with… well many if not most who haven’t really recognized who I am for them.  They always joke around about I’m their spiritual shaman… but that’s the thing… they are joking.  They really don’t see me as this… until they actually are engaging with me in conversation.  Shit they were calling me this without a conversation so how serious can they be.  They might assume that I’m all femininity in my approach and so there’s a subtle undertone that I might be on the more submissive side… this is where they aren’t quite understanding yet.  Yes I love to be in my femininity, but I’m very much in touch with my masculinity as well.  And I have so much experience with the masculines that I understand some of the language that isn’t being said aloud.  

Language!!??!! This is what’s getting me… this language that I’m trying to use to communicate which isn’t a proper tool.  Or I haven’t understood what language is and I’ve taken for granted.  When I was in the drum circle I recognized there was a language the drum troupe was speaking that I couldn’t hear fully.  But I also know that I was picking up on it and they were noticing me noticing that I was trying… lol.  When it comes to my friend who leads the drummers… it felt like he wasn’t really getting to know me until we started playing drums.  It was as if he was seeing me for the first time when we were drumming because that was a language he knew very well.  He knew I was new to this language, but he saw how quickly I was picking up on it.  To the point I was aware when I was off and how I was trying to sync back up.  There’s a way as a teacher to see how aware the student is and I know he was picking up.  Now that I have one class under my belt… I feel like I can let go even more in the next class… It’s like I need a little time to get comfortable with the language and then I’m ready to really express even if there’s mistakes.  I just have a lot of confidence in myself… He was very surprised at how quickly I picked it up…he said he rarely sees anyone who has such high aptitude in rhythm.  I’m getting more confident that I just have a high aptitude in learning in general.  I stopped a worker who was using a backhoe today and he kind of was talking me through it a bit.  I realized I didn’t have to work a job doing this.  I know I’d be able to pick it up easily.  I’ve been trying to find job opportunities but I know it’s not like I want to do this as a job.. .hehe.. I’m already doing my job.  But I think I was intimidated by the size and power of the machine and so I thought I’d need some special training and many hours of experience.  But I’m getting the sense that I don’t think that’s necessary.  I’m going to be cautious but I’m going to figure it out too.  If i do run into a project where I can assist then great, but it’s  not something I need to make a big deal.  Literally… if I don’t get a chance, I’d still be able to get into a machine and figure it out.  That’s what I do… hehe.  I also officially made a decision with the guys working on these machines all agree… dig in dry season and not the wet season.  So that at least narrows down when to start the dig project.  I can also stop looking for work in this area.  There’s options that have ran across my discussions with people that seem very interesting… but I’m wondering if there’s more options available that is more fitting for me.  There’s been rejection when it comes to allowing me to learn on these machines… and there’s a saying I hear from the tarot community… I apologize I can’t remember who says it, but it goes like “rejection is for our protection”  and I love that because rejection means we’re not in alignment… something’s off and there’s an opportunity that will be in alignment; it’s just needs some divine timing to show itself.  Everything is in divine timing so I’ll just see when and what that will be.  Ok… this is good.. there were some things that were sparked in me… and I want time to digest and see what else brews up.  For now I’ll try to get some sleep.  Until next time.

      

 

[withinUverse]

Well good morning.  I guess I feel things weren’t really worked out last night.  I got a little bit of rest and I remembered a bit of my dream.  There was like a man who seemed to be a really close friend or long time coworker… I’m not sure.  He did not look familiar.  But really it was unusual with how he looked.  At times when I would see him he literally looked like he was flat as a board… from the side but when he was in that state that when I looked at him from the front he was really round and tall.  I wouldn’t say he would be physically attractive but still I was magnetize towards him.  I mean other times I saw him he was quite heavy when he was more of three dimensional state where he had excess skin that was sagging and heavy.  He was very quiet and maybe even shy and timid, but he was just as attracted to me.  It was a play with him trying to get him to know that I wanted something sexual between each other.  Lol.. it was as if I was telling him in so many ways but I was so wild and free he didn’t really believe me but he was wanting to be around to see how I would treat him.  It felt like I was really affectionate to him.  I was really obvious with wanting to be close to him and again it was as if he was surprised that I wasn’t repulsed by him.  It almost felt like a personality that was being displayed where I was figuring out what to do was to be a dancer with him.  That’s when I noticed this magnetism and even attraction when we danced together.  There was a lot of entangled moments where it seemed like I was at events and finding objects that people left behind… yes many times things were being left behind.  Almost as if maybe we were all really into partying.  I feel like possibly if we were in the roaring 20s… something like that.  I think I was waking up in the dream and finding signs of how wild we were the night before.  I feel like I had a really close girlfriend who we just lit up the party together.  When I started showing these affectionate and sometimes crude or even say vulgar gestures and comments towards this man… most people were chuckling as if it was a joke but then they started to realize I wasn’t joking at all.  I felt like I spoke this out line.  I am looking for a companionship.  And I do have to admit that I miss being affectionate.  the love language of touch has not been present in my experience for awhile now.  I’ve been trying to work out a balance with this.  

So I’m usually a hugger and when I talk I touch people.  I used to not really have a safety bubble.  Through my work I have been more aware of the misunderstandings and so instead of small adjustments I went more extreme.  I even notice that I’m more conscious when I touch someone.  Specifically when I touch a man.  Something that is popping up is when I went to visit the drum leader and he took me on a ride on his motorcycle.  It’s been awhile since I’ve been on a bike so instinctively I just thought it would be safe and appropriate to wrap my arms around him to have the opportunity to hold on if I needed it.  It wasn’t a hug or anything but I was able to wrap my arms and then lightly and softly place my hands together without being a bear hug.  Well after awhile I saw I have really good balance… hehe… so by the end I wasn’t using my hands and I was able to work the bottom half of my body to counter balance even if there was a sudden slow down.  The first time that happened my body went forward onto him.  And yes I was apparent thinking about not necessarily placing my breasts on his back.  Yes it’s not a big deal but I also know these are subtle moments of communication.  So I didn’t remember this aspect of being on the back of a bike.  And that’s what I’m saying… I didn’t want to do that so I was adjusting and being more aware of how he was driving to be able to counter that.  Now I’m not trying to be standoffish or prude, but also showing a boundary as well.  There was one time I wasn’t trying to hug him I found that I placed my hand on his shoulder instead.  Lol.. I was just trying to figure out what I was comfortable with.  Now when I said goodbyes at the end of the evening I didn’t hesitate to give everyone a hug.  That’s a little more conscious as well… I’m not singling any one out but yeah I love to have that touch so it’s great to share hugs.  I love the subtle communication of hugs.  

So I’m wondering if there’s some type of karma that I still need to burn.  I’ve been finding myself going back to Leo’s videos.  I’ve watched many several times and I’ve noticed how much I was getting out of the videos each time.  And nothing’s changed… there’s new understandings.  What’s interesting is listening to it and having an understanding through experience instead of theory.  I just wasn’t aware how words fall short in communication.  Or it’s the degrees of consciousness that makes it feel like it falls short.  I don’t want to think of it in that manner because I know this is important for communication as well.  Taking Leo’s videos as an example… I wasn’t ready to hear the deeper meanings he was expressing… At my state I needed to interpret it in the manner I did.  Each time I’d go back there would be more direction with my deepened growth. And so on.  So I know that I had a conversation with one of my ceremonial guests which was a strong memory because I think I had the opportunity to make sure he understood what I was really trying to express.  I was telling him different specific messages I was having in my own Aya ceremonies and he asked me… what if I’m wrong?  I said quickly that I don’t care to be right.  Now this was the opportunity to elaborate.  Saying it so casually can be taken differently then what I meant.  But to set this up I was trying to explain it seems like we are capable of running as a human experience but then we are also capable of running as universal experience.  He wasn’t aware that he has only experienced a human experience so the question of asking what if I’m wrong.. is a judgement statement as if the universe judges.  I responded with the understanding of the universe and my human in me understanding that universally there is no wrong… so if humans interpret it’s wrong I know ultimately I go deeper into the situation and understand this is complete perfection and my misinterpretation is part of my state of consciousness… infinite intelligence already figures this into the dynamics.  I feel like I want to be more aware of this as well.  In a sense I want to be more aware to be able to be more purposeful with my words, but in another sense I just want it to free flow and see what’s said with much effort.  I feel these two are combining where it’s easy flow of words with purpose and depth.  The other side was how much was actually understood.  That’s where I want to ask more questions.  But not being so abrasive… hehe I don’t know how to explain it but I know I’m getting better at understanding of being this artistic masterpiece of existence.  I’ve always been drawn to an internet name I’ve chosen years ago 2dance2art… I want to be a masterful dancer through the ultimate masterpiece of art which is existence.  I’m now able to be more aware of my being in this artistry.  And how my way to dance is evolving.  I shouldn’t be surprised but it’s still very fresh at this new state so I still am humbled and yet surprised and extremely grateful.  I’m leveling up in a more consistent manner it seems and I’m getting more comfortable with it.  I know it was a bit overwhelming at first but I’m starting to feel in the groove of it.  And it’s really empowering to continue to see how my process is being played out.  

Lol… to be honest it would be great to pick Leo’s mind on a one on one basis.  I get so much out of the videos, but I also know if he engages with me directly… he’ll be seeing things I’m blind to at this state.  In a similar way I can do with the minds I’m engaging with.  I’d love to have an engagement with a higher state of consciousness.  But right I know I’m pretty awesome too.. .hehe… so I’d like to see what I can see him that he might be blind to as well.  I’m sure we’re not too blind but that’s a way of saying it.  When or If it happens it’s meant to be, but until then I need to continue to observe my own lessons and integration.  I’m just so thankful we attracted our attention through YouTube… hehe… it has really changed me as much as ceremony.  But existence has probably been the best teacher but I had to learn to be the best student I could be in these tools I’ve been blessed to attract into my experience of a human figuring it out… hehe… it’s a blast!

[withinUverse]

Alright… Today I was messaging a friend I’m getting to know more who is interested in ceremony.  I’ve been speaking to him for awhile and I’m really wanting to get into deeper conversations with him but there’s a distance right now because I believe his wife is not comfortable with us being together… you know what I mean.  I’ve tried to suggest that we all three sit down together and talk, but that hasn’t been addressed.  So I’m not pushing it.  So this friend decided that maybe I should work with his brother as his way of getting his wife to see where we are going with all this.  So I’ve been working with his brother.  I enjoy both of them and the whole family actually.  The friend with his wife they have six children and I’ve been over to their place three times now and had time to spend with them.  The first time one of the younger daughter’s got me on their wrestling mat to do some stretching.. hehe it was awesome and they were just very curious and sweet.   The last time I went I played darts with the girls, they aimed and fired water balloons at me but I ran away when they tried to dump the entire cooler, and then ended up playing a game of 21 with the boys.  I was exhausted yet energized… I absolutely love it.  His brother has two boys who around town and I’ve been trying to get to know them a bit more when I get the chance.  So yes their sense of family is very inviting for me.  And I can’t help myself… I’m looking generations deep in consciousness so I’m trying to create a bit of an impression on the kids too… with all the kids I met I think the range in ages goes from probably eleven to twenty-two-ish.  I mean i met their mother and we enjoy talking, and today I met the grandmother. So generational goes in as many ways as I can.  So we briefly saw each other yesterday when we were finishing talking to the Mormon missionaries.  He was briefly trying to discuss about what he heard about a woman connecting bible verses with the physical body.  Today he ended up sending me one of her videos.  

So I’m going to be completely honest… I rarely ever watch a video that someone sends me.  Usually there is no context to why they are sending it to me.  They usually don’t have any commentary about why they are sending it to me either.  Just a random video.  If someone continues to send videos without talking… normally I’ll ask them to not continue.  Most of the time that works… hehe… unless she’s in her 70s and forgets I’ve told her about uhhh… five to six times now… hehe.  But I’m ok with it, but I still don’t watch them.  But in this case… I’m trying to figure out how to catch a way to bond with him.  I understand now that I’m trying to find a language to be able to relate and for a better understanding of where we can connect.  So he sends the video and I say thank you.  We continue the conversation but it’s a little rough.  

I’m not saying I’m interpreting this correctly but it seems the group of men that I’m working with whom also hangout together often enough.  There seems to be an undertone of out impressing each other…. And not in an overly obvious way, but the subtleties aren’t so subtle either.  Plus there are varying degrees of feeling like a visitor in their close circle.  So I feel this when I have conversations with them… not all the time but there are moments.  That’s actually why I like to hangout with people several times because the first time the best face is usually placed and wants to be perceived in the manner that will be acceptable to whom they think I am.  After time they start to take off that best face and they just become themselves and especially when they get a better idea where I’m coming from as well.  Right, I happen to hear and see things that they think aren’t being observed.  I’m not making it obvious that I’m observing them.  For the most part people underestimate me and I don’t mind that because I can observe more because of that.  There’s a group persona but then each one has their own persona… and I’m trying to figure out how to connect with him.  So ideally I want to have deeper conversations with him.  So why was it a bit rough? 

What I can assume is he thinks he has a video that he found some Truth in that is interesting.  When he found this video and watched it, he assumed he understood what he was listening to.  Which in a way he did, and in another he could’ve interpreted completely different.  He’s tried to talk about this woman and her video to me at least two times if not more, but it’s a struggle to understand.  He’s struggling to remember the vocabulary she was using.  But again… he finds it as a source of Truth and so he thinks I will want to listen to it as well.  

(I wanted to take a break.  I heard the thunder and so I figured it would start raining soon.  I got dressed and took a walk around the park and back.  It was perfect… it was mostly a mist.  It kicked up a little midway.  Three quarters it stopped, but then the last two blocks it was coming down hard enough to get my hair wet… perfect!  Just what I was hoping for… ok let’s get back to it)

So I told him I’m sure I’ll find some Truth in her video but I’d like to hear her words to describe what I think she had in the title Super Consciousness Awakening.  I mentioned something similar to what I first mentioned that I”m not really into watching videos sent to me, but I’m trying to get to know him better so I’ll listen to a video he finds interesting.  Maybe that will help me out… when in reality I know if we just take time to spend together… we’d get to know each other.  Earlier I was writing in this Journal so I mentioned I won’t know when I’ll watch it.  I also said I’d prefer to learn from engagements with him.  I guess I didn’t know how to tell him that direct experience is the way to learn the best for myself.  If I had this women in person so I can talk to her and ask questions and we go back and forth with each other.  That’s where I can find some more benefits.  But instead I’m listening and trying to interpret a topic I don’t understand in more than a general sense.  And then he has his own interpretation of her words… and then I guess we give our opinion about our interpretations.  I don’t know… I didn’t even make it half way through the video.  But I guess the last part is supposed to be good, he said.  So I’ll try to pick it up near the end.  Again it’s just a language I’m not familiar in and it’s interesting what she was saying but I’d prefer to attract the visionary scientist I will be working with who I can engage with directly.  When that time comes I’ll be ready to wrap my time and attention into it.  Right now… not so much.  

Again I’d prefer to just talk to him about his own experiences instead of other’s words of their experiences.  If we talk about our own experiences it’s much more natural and also more clarity.  If someone has questions to clarify what you’re trying to say… it will be easier for us to think about another way to respond.  When we’re talking about someone else or something we haven’t experienced it’s all speculation and no clarification.

Anyway I thought maybe i can send him one of Leo’s videos so he can see my style of videos I enjoy listening to.  At first I was going to send him the link “The Advanced Explanation of God-Realization.”  I was watching the video to see if that’s really what I wanted to send him.  And there was good stuff but then we got to the solipsism part and I thought there would be another one to choose from.  Now I’ve always had struggled with solipsism in the way I thought I was interpreting him in his explanations.  i was open to it and I of course experience solipsism but the no other consciousness.  I remembered he had one last year that might be better, “A New Kind of Awakening, Infinity of Gods.”  He had posted this last year in May and this would be the time I’m trying to get out of Peru and didn’t know exactly where to go… at that time I thought I needed an ashram… hehe.  But in June I went to Colorado for three months before heading to my dad’s place which became my ashram.  So I kind of knew I watched it but I didn’t remember it.  I was so frazzled that I couldn’t remember what I heard, but I just got finished watching it and decided to Journal some more.  Because this is what I was leaning towards from the beginning of my Aya experiences.  

Lol… in the God-Realization Leo goes on a bit of a rant on Aya entities and snakes and whatever… I totally agree with this!  When it comes to artist and the level of consciousness of the people telling their experiences is portraying Aya far less than its capabilities.  Mostly I’ve been starting to talk to the artist I’ve ran into. They are beautiful artists and many of their images are about beautiful animals in the jungle as if that’s what the visions are all about.  I’ve found out many of the artist haven’t even drank Aya.  They know people will buy this style of art and that’s a popular tourist destination item to purchase.  There’s a younger artist I’m talking to who says he drinks, but he doesn’t ever really give me details or elaborate.  Which honestly I don’t think he has but is afraid to admit it.  I told him it’s so powerful that I cannot stop thinking about it.  I also told him all the different imagery I have in my visions when I have them… which most of the time is not the case.  I also told him how much my art has changed since participating with Aya.  I have a feeling that once these artist actually gain a relationship with Aya they can start to transform the artwork to their personal visions which will show the real diversity that occurs in Aya.  I’ve mentioned the women in the villages I know who I”m trying to get to drink in ceremony too… they do designs without understanding why they do the designs.  So yes art gives the general public not familiar with Aya a very narrow avenue of the possibilities.  Im getting a better understanding on infinite possibilities.  

But I’ve been able to telepathically connect to five shamans… thats a way of communication during ceremony especially working with guests… I’ve had experiences with this with guests in the space and outside the space as well… yeah we’ve always been getting these connections so it’s been hard for me to understand Leo’s style of expressing solipsism… now I feel like it’s going to evolve with the more experience I gain and really I don’t know if telepathy is an accurate word for it.  I’m not hearing someone else’s voice speaking into my head.  But I do seem to feel the difference between two people.  But there’s time I reach out to specific people to see if they can connect or communicate… sometimes I send my energy out to see whoever can understand.  I did this a lot in the dieta… I felt myself asking the people who are ready to work with me to attract each other.  I asked them if they’re ready… I told them I’m ready and looking forward to meeting them.  I’m calling in my divine lover as well.  Lol… that’s the game I keep trying to explain to people.  When I listened to this video when I was relaxed and able to focus… I was like yes.. this is how I see it too.  The game that we are human so I have to talk to you like a human.  And hoping to find a way to get that human to trust me to help them become something nonhuman and universal… but able to go back and forth.  It’s been hard for me lately to humor people when they’re bashing on existence.  And I’m getting more comfortable of not wanting to humor them anymore.  But we’ll see… playing the human game is fun and dramatic… so we’ll see how it goes.  

[withinUverse]

So I thought maybe I’d go to the Forum and respond to some threads… but I didn’t see any threads that were sticking out to me to respond to… so I thought what threads can I start sharing?  So what things have I been learning lately with the people I’m engaging with that seem subtle but interesting.  

The first thing I thought of is words of wisdom.. or advice… I’ve been noticing more that when I’m engaging with someone I might have advice to share… and before it seems like I was responding and thinking that this is a lesson I knew and this is an area that they can develop… but I’m realizing if this is coming up in conversation then it’s something I need to look at as well, and an opportunity to look into deeper.  How many ways does the universe communicate?  Hehe… it’s boggling and exciting 

I’ve been running into the issue of the structure of conversation.  What’s the intention behind a conversation?  I’ve ran into one-sided conversations… so I’m guessing I still need to dig deeper in myself on how to balance a conversation out better.  When it comes to people I don’t know well in my human experience I find that I’m listening more than speaking, but say I’m talking to people I know really well then I become a rambler… hehe especially when I speak to my pops.  So what’s my approach to a thread?  

Giving and receiving advice… anyone noticing our advice we are giving is directed not only to whom we are speaking to but also ourselves?   

Having issues socializing?  Do we really want to connect or are we just desperate to have someone to talk to?  

Hmmm… I feel like I’m trying to get somewhere with this, but it’s not coming out as easily

Maybe I need to go to some examples and start working it out… see if I can find the juice I’m looking for.

Advice… one thing that is coming up to me is when I was having ceremony with my buddy and I noticed that he was on edge… not that he was necessarily being obvious that he was nervous but I could feel it and I’ve just been observing his mannerisms when we’re in social settings.  When he’s inside a space he sits off to the edge of the social circle with his body language faced towards an exit… just in case.  I thought he is on the verge of running away… am I on the verge of running away myself?  I’ve been trying to get to a point where I have one ticket in and no ticket out so I can take in the environment and judge for myself whether I want to continue to stay or not.  When I see him I can see the tension in his body as well… He definitely plays it off that he’s the most relaxed and chill guy there is but his body is solid and not pliable.  I know I’m much more stiffer than I’d like… there’s tension in my body that once in awhile I’m trying to work out.  What am I tense about?  Am I trying to run away from something?  

I’ve been having conversations with people and I know I’ve been saying that I have attracted myself back to Indiana because I’m supposed to be here.  There’s people I’m supposed to be talking to and things I’m working out.  But in the back of my mind I wish I could just get started already on making some steps towards getting back to the jungle.. hehe…. I’ve been trying to calm down and let things go with the flow… I’m trying a different approach to attract instead of pushing.  I’m excited to get back and see where ceremony goes.  I cannot help myself… This message of putting my intentions into the Ayahuasca to find my guidance to locate items in the ground… that’s fascinating for me.  I’ve heard about this about other shamans who have been guided to find plants or whatever in ceremony and now I get a chance to do this for myself.  I’m so curious what it’s going to be like.  I’m not there now so I kno wI”m not ready to do it or… I’d be there doing it hehe.  I’ve noticed that I’ve been drawn to a few things that I feel have been getting me prepared in a way… Disc golf… Here in my home town we’ve got a pretty wooded area to throw in… so I’m still throwing my discs into the woods less than I used to but still I have to go searching and hunting for them.  I’m getting pretty good at locating them… and there are times where it’s almost to the point that I give up…. And I think to myself… what if I get to that point in my upcoming adventures… I’m sure I’m going to pushed to the point where maybe I should just give up.  When I’m by myself I’m not in a hurry and so I don’t give up looking and I end up finding them.  I have lost one disc but that was when I was with someone.  We tried but also it felt like after a long while… we should just continue on.  I let the guys I know who take care of the course know that I lost it and so I know they’ll return it to me if they find it.  But that’s what I’m learning too right now… not to give up, right?  I’ve been playing a this two dots online game and sometimes they offer a seek and find game which I’m getting pretty good at… it seems like it’s elementary style but honestly it’s been helping me pick out the disc quicker it seems.  

I’ve been getting an idea that when I start to dig that it will be more in the dry season.  But I guess I also am getting when it comes to locating and figuring out what I’m supposed to do… I should be by myself.  If I’m by myself I won’t give up and feel a pressure that I’m taking too long for someone else.  So it’s on my shaman’s land… I feel like I can get to the point where I can ask him to allow me some time by myself to do those sessions.  I was in the maloca when I received that message.  I will start there and see if it eventually wants me to go to that part of the land to continue.  Maybe I should just start at the location of the land… it showed me that location for a reason, right?  So yeah if I go and do this myself I feel like I should prepare myself as much as I can before I go.  What I mean is to get more grounded before going solo again.  I already feel like I’m more grounded and I know that will help when I get there… but I still feel like I need to do more dieta before I go and do solo work.  I’m still up in the air about the dieta portion… I want to start of with mapacho.  There’s a master mapacho shaman who I’m very interested in learning from.  The only reason why I’m hesitant to go with him is because of the outrageous prices he charges.  If I didn’t worry about the price then I wouldn’t hesitate.  I want to get a better relationship with mapacho.  I found how extremely beneficial it’s been in ceremony space and if I diet it seriously I know it will be beneficial for me.  So Let’s just say it now… I’m going to be doing a full diet of mapacho with him.  I don’t know what that entails but I prefer not to go in rushing it.  He also uses others master plants and that’s what I’m hoping for are other plants for grounding.  I’ve been feeling around to other shamans as well, but really I know that he’s the one that’s intersting me the most.  I don’t even think he uses Aya… and there’s nothing wrong with that.  Whatever the structure is to dive deeper into mapacho is what I’m looking for.  So… I guess I’ll be starting out in Iquitos.  I haven’t been in Iquitos for four years now.  I have many connections there that I would like to go visit.  

Now I”m not trying to map it all out completely but I’m trying to narrow it down a little more.  I know I want to be open to spontaneous decisions when the Universe wants to introduce someone or something or a location or an experience for me… so I realize that.  I know I have options of two other shamans that I might be doing dieta with as well… I know how important dieta is for me and my growth in holding ceremony… so I’ll do as much dieta as necessary before I go into the solo session of placing my intention into Aya.  There’s so many people from Pucallpa that get a hold of me.  Lol… it’s almost exhausting to tell each one that I’m returning but I don’t know when.  There’s things I have to do in the US right now.  I think they’ve had so many people in and out of the jungle… with many that don’t return that they might be afraid I’m gong to do the same thing.  Yeah it’s tricky to communicated the expectations they have of me.  I want to help as much as I can but it’s definitely not in the way they think it’s going to be.  I had to tell a good friend of mine a little more about why I am going there to participate in Aya.  She’s not really understanding how seriously I take it and she’s gotten a hold of me three to four times for money since I’ve been gone.  I told her this last time that I’d appreciate it if she’s stops asking me.  When I’m with her and her family I give as much as I can but right now money isn’t what I can offer her.  If she wants advice in anything… then I can help with that.  Even just chatting about what’s going on with her and her kiddos would be great.  Right it’s gotten to the point that’s the only time she reaches out is to ask for money.  Lol… I was talking to another friend and we were getting lost in translation as well.  She is an amazing artist and so is her daughter. They sent pictures of some of their embroidery and Aya pipes they’ve made.  I saw the Aya pipes and said I had bought one off of their parents and I had trouble using them.  I asked her if they are just for decoration or to be used.  I couldn’t get her. To answer the question… hehe… I was hoping to see if she can find a way to have them usable because I would get one if they could be used.  But there’s like a varnish they put on the outide of the vine that smokes up when I go to light up the pipe… and someone said it’s really just for decoration.  I couldn’t get her to say if it was or not.  I don’t think she’s ever used the pipe to smoke out of.  I think she was trying to say she wants to have an online site that would be called the Tara’s factory… smh… I don’t want that type of website… lol… they think they want to work with me, but they don’t understand how picky I can be.  Lol… I’d be pushing them to make their own art through their own experiences… she’s on of the women I’ve been trying to get her into ceremony at least to be present in that space.  I’d love to help them out, but again it’s not how they think.  I’m also in this for the long haul so it’s not like I’m trying to rush into anything with them.  However long it takes, it will take.  

that’s another thing that I need to look at… I know I feel a little bit of a rush to get these things going because of one of my messages… “He will follow”. Lol… He… he… he… he… I cannot wait to see him.  And I know I want to get this all going because it will get me closer to seeing him again.  That’s the thing in my first messages I was looking for him and he wasn’t there… so I don’t think he’s going to be actually there in the mountains with us… I hope he is, but I don’t think he’ll at least start in the mountains with us.  But He is a big influence on me.  But we’re not attracted to each other right now for a reason.  We aren’t ready and me wanting to rush this process won’t be of any help either.  So I had a vision of this number four… it was all kinds of random fours rotating… and I didn’t know exactly what it meant… and I still dont but what went through my mind is that it’ll take four years to get this going.  In my mind I was hoping it will take four years to get to the mountains… shit hopefully it’s not going to take four years to get back to the jungle… lol… damn I don’t think that will be the case.  But shit it might be four years in the jungle.. I have no clue.. hehe… but I know it won’t matter how long it will take I’m not giving up.  

But I don’t think I”m ready to start a thread though either right now… I’ve got many strings I”m involved with here that I’m just going to keep adding them if I post a thread on here.  I just thought maybe I can direct some threads a little differently than what I’ve seen the topics are right now… but maybe I’m not the one to do that… hehe… this is good enough for tonight I think… it’s raining again and I might take another walk out in the rain… it was really windy earlier but I think it’s calmed down now.  I’ll go check it out.  

[withinUverse]

Good morning… So I thought I wanted to go ahead and Journal about the last few days… again I’m processing things that might seem like rambling,,, and maybe it is but I feel like doing this and seeing what comes out of it.  So Saturday I ended up going to Salamonie Lake to swim, emerge into Nature, get to understand where some of the guys I’ve been spending time with and see how I’m responding and see what I’m attracting.  So one of the guys I’ve been working with had offered to go camping with me on Wednesday.  And so Saturday we decided to go and by then he had invited another friend to go and while we were getting ready we asked another friend to join.  So it was the three guys that I shared ceremony or at least a version of it.  So originally I thought I would just ride with them but I was a little hesitant because I’m getting an idea of how relaxed they are and I’ve been waiting to go to my niece and nephew’s play on Sunday.  I had asked if we would be able to return back in time for me to get to the play on time.  He said that shouldn’t be a problem, but I still kept thinking maybe I should drive separately.  He picked me up and the car was already loaded down and we were supposed to pick a friend and his dog.  We went to pick him up and he was with another friend.  I ended up asking if he wanted to join us and we’d just take another vehicle.  It made me feel more confident to return when I wanted to and not having to rely on them.  They liked the fact that I was allowing them to take their time on Sunday when they want to return and I can leave whenever I wanted to.  So again when I say let’s go camping… I realize my intension differs from them.  I really want to connect with Nature… mostly I wanted to go swimming specifically.  There’s been a lot of heat lately and I’ve been trying to find times to go swimming…. I absolutely love to be submerged into water.  I thought possible this might be a good opportunity to share a deeper experience with ceremony.  I know one of them struggles to surrender in ceremony, but I thought having the two of his friends it would allow him to be more comfortable to surrender a little more.  The guy that I was originally talking about camping I’m still a bit hesitant to share ceremony alone with him because he feels there’s a sexual connection he wants to share with me.  I don’t know how this came about.  In my opinion I”ve been honest of where I am with sexuality and who I want to share my sexual experiences with but in my opinion… that made it a challenge for him and he wants me to have him as part of that experience.  After a few comments I started thinking that I have to literally be more direct with him so he knows that is not an option to share sexual energy with him but I didn’t get the chance to do this.  So when did I see the difference in our intentions?  Once they were together they started to ask each other what substances do they have to get high.  The guy whom thinks we have a sexual whatever is on probation and is not drinking or smoking weed at this time, but he’s open to psychedelics.  The two other guys are habitual weed smokers but they didn’t have any.  So they both were uncomfortable not having it with them.  My old class mate was ready struggling without having weed to take.  He was the one who I asked to come along at the last minute.  He was frazzled because he didn’t have much time to prepare.  He said that’s he was told he wasn’t going to be able to come because there wasn’t enough space.  If he thought he had a chance to go he would’ve been looking for smoke immediately.  In his mind he needs weed not just for his sanity but for everyone he’s with.  He says he behaves differently.  He says he’ll be more withdrawn and not social.  And that’s exactly how he was.  Most of the time he sat alone and barely engaged in conversation.  If I am completely honest, it was a breath of fresh air.  Normally he overpowers the conversations and when I’m camping I would like to enjoy listening to the woods then always listening to conversation… hehe… even though the guys I was with wanted to play their music instead of listening to the natural music that’s there.  Again just a different approach to camping.  I decided to wear shorts… I haven’t been wearing shorts lately because normally when I’m going out doors I’m heading to the woods to play disc golf so I cover my legs because there’s poison ivy that I’m trying to avoid catching.  Also with my scars I haven’t been wearing shorts either because I still have a little self conscious and not wanting people to have me explain what the scars are from.  It’s really not a big deal, but sometimes I make it a bigger deal than what it is.  Anywho the guy who thinks there’s a sexual thing going made a comment right away.  He said he hasn’t seen me in shorts and he really enjoys my thighs.  He thinks they are sexy.  I looked at him a bit surprised but I said thank you… it’s been hot lately and I really want to go swimming so it’s going to be more comfortable for me to wear shorts.  So I realize he has an attraction towards me, but there’s a bit of toxicity because he’s not aware of how I’m responding to his comments.  But I’m also not being as blunt as I want to be out of being courteous but also seeing how aware he is in this area of interaction.  There were a few other times he mentioned something about my thighs… but I didn’t even recognize what he was saying at first because most of the time I was focused on gathering wood for a fire and I didn’t expect him to be making those comments.  I am walking around the camp and the woods to search for wood so that was my focus and then I’d realize… wait was he trying to hit on me again?  I haven’t complimented him in return… I haven’t encouraged this talk so I keep thinking why does his conversation want to lead in that direction?  So that’s when I’m thinking this cannot continue… I’ve got to be more direct and possibly saying something in front of the guys so they understand that this interaction makes me uncomfortable and I hope to not have to continue to address this.  I’m not looking to hook up with any of them.  My class mate already knows this.  We’ve discussed this and he said he’s spoken to the guys that I’m not that type of woman, but we also know saying that doesn’t stop them from their attempts.  The other friend may be attracted to me but he’s not overtly obvious about it.  His approach was more subtle… it’s actually been interactions with his dog did he imply that he was attracted to me in a sexual way.  Lol… so I happen to be on my period right now and the day I started I was hanging out with him and my neighbor.  I waited too long to go to the store to pick up sanitation pads and they thought I was wanting a drink or snack so they were offering me things and I said it’s a feminine thing that I wanted to grab at the store.  Well my neighbor said he had an extra tampon he keeps around for such an occasion and I thanked him.  Well throughout that evening the dog was definitely curious about me and my scent.  He was getting excited and his owner was trying to get him away and curbing his behavior so he wasn’t getting aggressive towards me and not nagging me.  Lol… I wish he was that aware with his buddy because his buddy is acting like the dog but in a human form.  So that’s why I thought making a public comment might help… I don’t know if it will.  That evening with the dog was when we were microdosing the L and so when we were prepping to leave it was happening there were words being said under their breath… under the breath… are those words supposed to be heard.  I think it is… but he said that his dog is super smart and he knows I’m leaving so he’s getting as much of my scent before I leave.  He said he’ll allow him to run it off and work it out of him.  During the camping trip it was happening a little again and he told his dog that when he gets old enough he’ll find him a bitch to work on but he’s not there yet.  So yeah there’s an undertone of domination being there and the intensity of sexual desire is present but he can curb his approach.  I don’t think they have connected my behavior towards them is curbed because I’m aware of this… so I don’t hangout with them as regularly and if sexual conversations come up then I approach to respond in an exclusive way and give details about myself and my desires if its sexual… again not them but someone else… anyway I wish this wasn’t such a factor in our interactions but I also know this is pretty normal.  But I also have many engagements where its not so present and getting to know each other and building a connection is more apparent.  These are what I’m trying to attract more of.  

So while we were setting up the campsite I was hoping to build up a sweat so I can enjoy swimming more.  Fortunately for me a brother of the friend who has a dog was on his way with two of his daughters to go swimming.  So when they arrived and were about to head off I asked to see if I can join them.  And so I did end up swimming which was about five miles from where we were.  The other guys didn’t end up joining us except the brother so if they didn’t come… most likely I wouldn’t have got to swim or I’d have to go alone which wouldn’t be a problem because again that was the main intention to go camping in the first place.  And not having all the guys join us actually gave me a break from them which I enjoyed…hehe… The girls are two cute and a lot of fun.  One girl is in the third grade and the other is in sixth.  They like the whole youtube dance videos so I had them teaching me their dances they like and we found ourselves in the water making up our own dances.  It was refreshing to be with the young girls and having a different approach to what they have their attention on.  I also enjoy speaking to their father.  The father is who I want to share ceremony with but he suggested that I start with his brother.  But this was a good time to have a conversation.  One thing that I enjoy about the father is that he went into a deep experience with DMT before we came back to having conversations.  I think it’s been well over a year and he says that he’s still waiting to be ready to go back into it again.  He’s overcome addiction and it’s present in his awareness that what he experienced wasn’t to get high…. I see that in him and I respect that.  He also has visions he’s trying to manifest with his family and I cannot wait to see him actualized his visions.  But I also know that conversations are just as important as ceremony.  I would like to have a one on one conversation but I can settle with having his brother there with us because again is guard is down and he’s interacting more casually with his family around.  It’s nice to see there honest thoughts instead of trying to approach conversations with me by using complicated thoughts of people they enjoy listening to.  We spent close to four ours swimming and we had such a beautiful sun set over the water… pink and purple clouds with seagulls flying in the air… it was really enjoyable and pleasant.  We headed back to camp so he can drop us off and again I was pleasantly surprised to see that the sexual guy had one of his girlfriends there.  There was a little bit of a boundary that was present when she was there and that made me feel good.  I thought thankfully I won’t have to call him out in front of his friends and have to deal with him making crude comments for the rest of the night.  Also now that I got to know her more I can now have more conversations towards someone he shares sexual engagements with when these topics come up and that helps.  She was a bit distant to me at first… she was trying to figure out why I’m there… I”m not certain what’s been said about me but I wanted to show her a that I’m just a buddy there with friends.  After we ate two of the guys ended up microdosing L and the rest of us didn’t participate.  The classmate was still by himself and probably in his struggle bus but wasn’t involving us in his struggle and fell asleep first.  The girl and I were more on the quiet side and didn’t say much and mostly listening.  The two friends were talking and most of their conversations was about their past experiences of drug use and how extreme they were with it.  They would remind themselves that they are happy they aren’t in that place anymore, but again they couldn’t direct the conversation in a new direction.  Finally I wasn’t really wanting to listen to more of those stories… honestly I’m getting bored listening to these stories… I would like to see what they are wanting to create in their lives but the past is hovering and consuming their minds.  I went to bed trying to sleep on the ground in the tent and finally when everyone else decided to go to bed I got up and moved to the back seat of the car because I knew it was going to be much more comfortable and it really was.  So in the morning I went ahead and directed the conversation and my focus was to get to know the girl more.  I asked her what she’s in to.  She wasn’t sure how to respond but she said she spends most of her time with her grandkids.  So I jumped on to it because I enjoy kids and mentioned my family… and so she started to open up a bit more and started to tell stories about her family and the joy she gets spending time with them.  She started to say how she loves to work on wood… she words for a cabinetry shop and what types of arts and crafts she enjoys.  Yeah she definitely opened up and loosened up.  She actually gave me a little sign that she wasn’t trying to be standoffish when I woke up and found a little branch that was woven into a heart shape.  I loved it and she was smiling and said she thought I might enjoy that… and once that happened I knew she was open to connect a bit more.  It takes a little while for some to wake up and needs their coffee or whatever so yeah there was a moment to start a conversation with her.  So it was getting towards the time I was wanting to leave and so I parted ways and because she drove separately I didn’t feel responsible of trying to figure out how to get my classmate and all his belongings back.  I knew they would be slow moving in the morning and thankful I didn’t have to push him a little bit to get his stuff together so we could leave.  Because she was there I knew they would find out the way to get everyone and all the stuff back whenever they decided to head back.  

So I had an hour drive back and mostly country… I love that and I was getting excited to see to my kiddos again.  It’s been awhile since I’ve seen them because of a little disagreement but my dads been able to continue the relationship and since this was a public event… I wasn’t going to let the disagreement stop me from enjoying their performance.  My niece was in a play last year that I wasn’t here to attend and so I didn’t want to miss out this year and since i”m here I want to go and check her out.  It was the first performance for my nephew and I was excited to see how they would do.  I remember a few plays I was in when I was in elementary.  There was a video that I remember and how cute all the kids are and some unconscious habits that shows… any way I was looking forward to it and excited.  When I returned home my dad already got back from his trip from LA.  We thought we would be meeting at the play but he got in earlier then expected and he said he was getting loopy the last few hours when he got back to the comfortable area of Indiana.  He said he was in Lala land but knew he was almost home.  He got about five hours sleep before getting up and I arrived about a half hour.  So we were just relaxed the rest of the morning preparing to go to the play.  We had to drop off the van to his wife’s house and got to the play.  They were doing Willy Wonka Jr.  I thought they did an amazing job… I couldn’t help myself thinking about what I would do to the set.. hehe but I thought it was funny that my dad didn’t remember how dark the movie got.  I thought they did it well without focusing too much on the darkness but I couldn’t stop smiling when I saw the kiddos up there.  I found myself chuckling to myself a lot when I saw my nephew and niece.  They are adorable.  Because of this disagreement, I wasn’t sure how they would respond.  Well I knew my little nephew would be pretty normal… He probably forgot about it not that long after it happened but also when we’re together we get into our own little world and we just enjoy that world we share together.  But my niece she’s a little older and she will better understand what the disagreement was about and so she might not know how to react to me.  Yes the disagreement wasn’t between us but it was between adults that she admires and adores and didn’t know how to respond with them not agreeing and reacting in ways that made her feel uncomfortable.  So I noticed that she saw me and I saw her not know how to respond but she also kept her professional performance face on.  I just saw that she redirected her eyes immediately… hehe.. but not so obvious.  I also saw her eyes draw towards us from time to time when she was on stage.. she still enjoyed that we were there to watch them.  After the show they came out so people can talk to the actors/actresses… I could finally love on them and I was in heaven.  My niece was a bit more hesitant but my nephew wasn’t.  We were just drawn to each other and so I spent my focus on him.  I don’t know when I’ll get another opportunity so I’ll take advantage of it as much as I can.  I get into a little bubble when I’m with them and so we were playing zombie super power rivals… and yes there were quite a bit of people and kids but we were trying to not get over board but still being childlike.  I’ve been looking for an opportunity for awhile now and I’m super happy I got it.  I didn’t get to see the other kiddos or my brother, but I’ll accept what I had and extremely grateful.  Maybe it can be a turning point, but we’ll see how it unfolds.  

Yesterday evening I met up with another guy I’ve been working with.  He had worked in Ohio for the week and he said he’ll have more time to digest our ceremony and will be able to have a better conversation about the experience.  So we got together and he was laughing because he was still struggling where he normally doesn’t struggle with conversation but how to explain what happened to him in this experience he hasn’t found it natural.  I asked if it’s ok for us to visit a girl friend of mine who lived right around the corner.  She’s a close friend I share ceremony with and she understands how challenging to explain her experience as well.  I thought it might be good to introduce them.  They both are recovering addicts in their own poison of choice but again they are recovering and has gotten the huge struggle out of the way and now they are maintaining.  They also have both recently separated from their partners.  They both do fairly well in ceremony when it comes to opening up and surrendering.  And they’ve been through a Bufo ceremony and so I thought it would be good practice for them to try to discuss this.  Again it was nice to introduce people who are kind of in a similar place in their life.  They don’t feel so alone in their attempts when they see people in the same boat.  I can admit to them that I’ve been there and am still there in my own way but they don’t relate me in the same manner as they did with themselves.  I’m noticing the guy is starting to really click with his awareness.  We had a conversation about theory and direct experience and he admits that he seems to not be understanding, but when we were talking with her there were a few times he noticed when he went to give examples he wanted to give examples of what he heard from other people instead of his direct experiences and he was catching it.  He’s like I’m going to be approaching life completely differently aren’t i… I said hopefully you want to approach life more consciously… if that’s the case then yes we’re going to be changing.  we might be heading back to his land this weekend… not sure, but I might see if we can share a ceremony with the three of us and see where it goes.  

I’m excited for tomorrow drum circle and trying to plan a day where I go disc golfing with my uncle’s wife, swimming in the reservoir, and drumming.  I just got a message from the leader and so I’m going to respond.  I think theres a full moon in Aquarius tomorrow so I’m going to see if there might be an opportunity to play drums outside or not… maybe I’ll wait until tomorrow to see where everyone is at… but that might be cool!  Alright until next time.    

[withinUverse]

Alright… I feel a bit antsy or eager… lol.. I definitely want to switch things up.  I’ve been trying this patience thing out and I’ve done better than I’ve done in the past… hehe… but I’ve got a drive inside that wants to put things into gear.  I left a message for the mayor today to hopefully get an appointment to setup a job shadow with the street department to learn the basics to drive the machinery.  I’m getting to a point that if it takes me digging with a shovel then that’s where I’m going to be.  I want to get back to the jungle and at least get the experience of personal intention into Aya in solo ceremonies.  So again I know I had first impression interpretations of what would be required.  But I also have to be open to being wrong.  I know I wanted to do my dieta and dig the next time I return but hey if it takes a few times to break it down then that will be fine too.  The last time I wrote I ended up getting some messages from different people and I’m finding myself wanting to shut down my communications again… lol.. I don’t think I have to go to those extremes but it does go through my mind if it’s not best to disconnect a bit more to available energies.  Direct my attention to a few accesses… it’s not like I don’t enjoy catching up, but since I’m reevaluating my structure towards ceremony… I feel I have to deal with the consequences of what my approach was before.  Lol… so the more I speak to people the more I feel they aren’t really certain why they want to share ceremony with me.  And I’m wondering if I should be sharing with them as well.  I enjoy it, but are they actually ready to take the necessary steps psychologically to handle what is coming for them?  So just to give another history of the approach to ceremony.  I was extremely surprised to find that I have abilities in ceremonies.  It was hard for me to admit this to myself so mostly I would just be doing Aya and doing the integration.  I decided after the third round of Aya to start introducing DMT during the integration period.  Shortly after I was doing this solo I started to get messages of sharing it with others which I was reluctant to do because I didn’t think I would be ready.  But after sharing ceremony I understood why it was so beneficial.  Then it seemed that I swung the pendulum over to where I wanted to share it with whomever showed any interest in it.  And I was being vocal about it in social apps.  After this Awakening I was shook up to the core and needed time to ground and integrate and now I’m looking at sharing ceremony to sense where potential guests are at.  What are their intentions?  What’s they’re maturity level… trauma..etc… I feel like I have put this responsibility on myself.  And with this responsibility it isn’t lining up with their desires.  I’m running into psychonauts who are fairly careless with their usage and their approach isn’t showing much respect to the process.  On one hand I want to show them a different approach but on the other hand I’m wondering if I’m really the one to share ceremony with them?  Again when I started to be deliberate in shamanism I originally thought I was going to have to share with everyone who was interested but now I’m understanding that many things I’m drawn to do isn’t that style of shaman.  I’m not wanting to be at a center waiting for guests to come to share.  I’m exploring the messages I’m receiving and yes that includes sharing but it’s more of a particular crew not just everyone.  Maybe one day I’ll be there but right now… I don’t want to.  And I want to be ok with that.  There are people who want to share ceremony with and one hand I want to but the other is honestly we’re not in alignment.  I don’t want to share with them at this time.  If I continue to deal with the same people its going to want me to close myself up.  I’ve been getting out of town and meeting some new faces and I really enjoy that.  I want to add more of that into my life right now.  Because I’ve been closed up for a long time now and I don’t want to continue to close myself off… I want to have conversations where they’re not expecting anything from me.  

I’m entertaining the idea of getting back to work again.  Again I’ve rested and grounded so I feel I can handle engagement’s with people.  I’m not as sensitive to people’s energies lately either.  So adding this back into my life is my next step.  I’m not looking for 40+ hours a week… Start off part-time and see where I’m at.  I think I have an opportunity which isn’t exactly what I’m looking for but I think it will be interesting as well.  I hope there’s enough variety but that’s what I’ll have to check out.  I’ll be allowing opportunity for new conversations and also allow me to not be so available for the people I’m working with now…hehe… it sounds so bad to say this, but yeah I feel like there’s a little neediness even if subtle.  They will accept the excuse of me working other than I’m just not interested in hanging at the time… hehe… but I feel like I’ve got an abundance of energy that needs a place to have an outlet.  I really love the drum troop practice because I can see how much of my energy is booming and on the edge… and it’s been nice to have that outlet.  

Lol… my dad’s wondering if I want to watch a movie with him… so I’ll go ahead and watch one with him.  I’m sure I’ll return and ramble a little more.  

[withinUverse]

Alright… so I watched a show and a movie with my pops then I wanted to take my walk to the park and I ran into my neighbor.  I was talking to him about applying to a place he was involved with but he suggested a gig that’s a little closer and a little more laid back.  So he reached out and I can see how it is on Sunday… so that works out. Let’s look at Tuesday real quick… I was excited for the drum troupe practice.  It’s about an hour away so I made a day out of it.  I stopped by the Yorktown disc golf.  I checked to see if my uncle’s wife was wanting to give it a go, but they weren’t home so I went solo.  I keep on finding feathers there… and large ones which are pretty cool.  I keep picking them up even though I’m not sure what I’m going to be doing with them yet… usually if I don’t find something to do with them then I’ll find someone who will do something with them.  I’m curious to see if I can find out which bird these feathers are coming from.  I stopped by a local fruit and vegetable stand and picked up some peaches and a little stick of honey.  I cannot get enough of fruits and I can’t explain how much I enjoy the dripping juices when I bite into them… hehe… it’s one of the best sensations I enjoy so much.  I headed to the reservoir near the location of the drum practice and I had about four hours to spend so I went to their beach to check it out.  I’ve been loving getting into any water that I can lately and the beaches here in Indiana aren’t really a beach and they rope it off so it’s such a small section.  There were mostly families there and I enjoy watching all the kids playing but then you also get the parents yelling at the kiddos too.  I spent about an hour there but I saw there were some hiking trails along the south end so I went to check them out.  It was a bike trail as well and I could see it would be a really fun trail to go mountain biking but the walk was really nice as well.  Kept finding feathers… I think I found a blue jay feather which was cool.  One of the trails ended with a park bench and a fire pit along the bank of the reservoir and so I sat and enjoyed the view.  I wanted to go back into the water and I was debating if it would be appropriate to go skinny dipping or not.  I decided to just swim and good thing there were a few bikers who came by and a few distant boats.  I don’t think anyone would’ve noticed if I was in the nude or not, but I enjoyed swimming there much more than the beach.  Plus there were fish flopping out of the water and birds on the banks and in the water… it was just a little more to my liking.  So if I return I’ll skip the beach and just go hiking and swimming at this spot.  There was a large hiking trail… I didn’t even get through all of it because my time was running short to meet for practice.  But hell yeah that’s a great day for me and practice was cool too.  They let me record some of the songs so I can remember and practice a bit before I return.  They  are such a sweet group.  I didn’t get to meet anymore new people but the ones who were there last time returned and we all really mesh well together.  The leader said if I wanted to join them in their performances that I’m welcome to… they really are impressed how quickly I’m picking things up.  I didn’t know if I could join them but I’d love to watch and he said that they’ve had sit ins before and I didn’t have to know every part to participate.  So we’ll see.  For now I appreciate sharing this time with them.  And my hands are a little raw because I get into it so much.. hehe. 

The last few days there’s a weird animal thing going on at the house.  Normally there’s two stray cats that we see time to time… one of them comes all the time.  She’s the one that stayed with us last winter and she’s my dad’s little shadow when he’s working outside.  But then all of a sudden we see there’s two more stray cats.  We’re thinking she’s in heat and so these guys were drawn to her but we haven’t seen them before.  The next day we were going outside and there were two dogs on our porch.  They didn’t have any collars on but they looked very healthy and well taken care of so they must have gotten loose.  We have a container that catches rain water and the little pug was lapping up as much as she could.  It looked like they’ve been running the town… hehe… and now we have a possum that’s been getting inside the house.  It’s been like three nights in a row now… hehe… dad thought he had taken care of any holes where any critters can get in but somehow the possum has found it’s way in and he’s like Houdini making his way through the house when we think we’ve got him trapped somewhere he finds his way to another area of the house.  He’s fallen into a bag of kitty food so we’ve been able to take him outside but we’re hoping he’ll fall for it one more time and we’ve agreed that we’re going to have to take him to the woods now.  He’s not too old but I don’t think he has a mother but he’ll just keep getting bigger and I definitely don’t want Elvis to get in a fight with him.  I have no clue why my cat doesn’t seem to notice this little guy roaming around the house.  It’s like he’s oblivious to him.  I’m actually grateful for that.  He’s a smart little guy so I’m not sure he’ll fall for it again but I know my dad’s getting pretty annoyed with him.  So it will be the best for us all if he accidentally falls into the food bag again so we can safely put him into the woods.  

Been having a good conversation with one of the guys I’ve been working with.  He’s the one that I shared ceremony with… not the metaphysical head butt one.  The one that was giving me hope that maybe some people might actually be ready for the spiritual path.  But he messaged me saying that he started seeing visuals that were similar to what he saw during the Bufo ceremony and asked if that was normal.  I didn’t know all the details at that time but I said that normally it would be out of your system by now… it’s been a week ago but I’m not certain how his psyche is handling it.  He said there were some odd things going on and wanted to talk about it.  He was at work at the time and I was about to head out to do the day at the reservoir before drumming so I said tomorrow would be a better day to chat.  But I went ahead and sent him one of Leo’s videos… the dangers of Spiritual work… hehe… I told him I introduced something new to his psyche and I know we enjoyed it but I wanted to make sure he knew what he’s getting himself into.  I try to explain it to him, but I also know that Leo does an amazing job at this and I’ve spent hundred of hours with his video and it’s an amazing foundation to see if Spiritual work is something we’re ready to do or not.  I told him I had a good idea of what the consequences would be and I was willing to pay the price for it.  I’m enthusiastic about it but I also know the challenges I faced as well… many won’t want to go through these challenges.  The next day we chatted a bit and he mentioned the first time we met over the fall/winter months.  He remembered when he was telling me he wanted to focus on overcoming his addiction using Aya and I had said this will go much deeper than addiction.  He admitted when he heard this he was like… .meh… I don’t think she really knows what she’s talking about.  But now that he’s been having conversations with me and experienced Bufo he’s realizing what I meant by that statement.  He said that he’s been thinking a lot of things he hasn’t thought about before.  He had no clue how deep I was wanting to take our conversations.  And I told him that we’re taking our time.  I’m really impressed with how well he’s open to what’s been discussed and how well he opened up in ceremony, but I also wanted to make sure his intentions were pure.  As we hangout and get to know each other I’ve been getting a feeling that there’s a little of him that wants to continue to make me happy and I told him that cannot be the reason to proceed.  He admitted that he wants to purify his gut reactions he has towards women… and I said that’s a good insight to admit and I’m someone he can discuss these things with.  I’m a woman who does not want anything sexual from him… I’m someone who is literally wanting him to understand himself beyond a human surviving… hehe… which may sound cool, but the implications go deep and just because you might have a crush on me and talk about things that sound cool and introduce him to psychedelics which are cool… these are not the intentions to proceed forward.  He agreed that it wasn’t what he thought it was going to be.  He has a bit of him that wants to continue on, but another part of him is hesitant.  He’s back to work in Ohio this week so he said he’ll try to get his mind gathered to see if he’s actually ready to go on or not.  I said I’m here for the marathon.  He doesn’t have to be ready now… if it takes a few years… then that’s what it will take.  If he decides the spiritual path isn’t for him… he’ll be like most where it will be an unintentional path because he’s already on it before we met.  He was laughing at himself because he never thought he’d have these types of conversations with people who are looking at him weird and having personal conversations about women to a woman… lol… I’ve been calling him out on a few things that I’ve heard him do… nothing too crazy but I’m trying to give him a better idea of how my mind works and how much I’m observing and my interpretations of it.  He’s starting to get a better picture that I’m always working… hehe… 

Last night I had a pleasant surprise.  One of the original twelve messaged me.  He’s one of the twelve that I’ve gotten to know much better because we’ve hung out quite a bit since the first round of Aya ceremonies.  He’s the one I was finding myself synchronizing Icaros for him with the female shaman.   We’ve been back to Peru together to share ceremonies.  I went to visit him in Florida and he’s come to visit me in Colorado.  I didn’t get his permission to discuss what we talked about, but it was really good to hear from him.  It’s been over a year since we’ve spoke.  I saw his message and there was no way that I wasn’t going to call him instead of messaging him back.  There was too much excitement.  I’m just glad he’s alive and doing well… he was pretty down the last time we were together and yes we had an exchange that was challenging and it took him awhile to be able to reach out to me.  He looked at my social media and noticed I hadn’t been posting for over a year as well.  I told him I’ve been processing a lot and I needed a break myself and I knew he would understand this.  It was so good to hear from him.  I thought it was interesting that some times in our conversations our connection would fail and it seemed it happened when there was talk of possibly getting together soon.  As much as I would like to visit him, I feel there needs to be more time and space before we should connect again.  He’s feeling like he wants to clear some shit out so he’s trying to find ceremonies close to him.  I recommended a mutual friend of ours who said he was in the states temporarily and so possibly he’ll reach out.  He wasn’t sure he was wanting to go to Peru but if it comes to it and I’m not going I have another friend to recommend whom he hasn’t me yet.  But I think she would be great for him to share ceremony with.  She’s involved with a retreat that includes plant dieta along with Aya and that seems to be what I’m leaning towards for recommendations now.  Dieta is an amazing balance with Aya.  

Yeah it’s interesting like I said in my earlier post… my structure towards sharing ceremony is transforming… I”m trying not to swing the pendulum so drastically even though I’m much more hesitant than I was… Wont’ really know the balance until I try things out and not rush anything.  Most of the people who wants to share ceremony with me… I’m just not feeling it, but I also know how much I learn when I do share so it’s a tricky situation.  Ceremony really really kickstarted me on a deliberate Spiritual path… but that was through Aya.  Are these ceremonies I’m sharing going to be as impactful?  I’ll just keep feeling my way through it.  I do know I’m trying to create a little space from it right now, but who knows how long that will last… hehe.  Ok that’s good for tonight.  Until next time. 

[withinUverse]

Alright… so I tried out the new gig.  The gig is a stage hand at the local concert location now Ruoff… when I helped out for a summer in my high school age was Deer Creek.  This is out of my comfort zone because I have any knowledge in this area.  So it’s exciting and there might be possibility to learn.  So it was my neighbor who had setup this opportunity.  My neighbor is a friend of someone I’ve been working with towards ceremony.  The brother who has the dog.  Well I’ve been meeting his family and one of his sons also works here.  It was pretty sweet the morning of the first day the son came to my place.  My neighbor wanted it to be easy for me to get in and get acquainted to the position so he asked the son to help me out.  So I followed him to the location and it was easier to just follow him instead of trying to figure out what the manager gave me to follow her directions once we were at the location and to get in through security check points.  I met with the manager and she seems very sweet and motherly… she has been very helpful trying to make me feel welcomed and the first priority for them is safety.  Actually everyone I spoke with spoke about safety first because there’s such a big crew going here and there and working with equipment that can be heavy so fingers and toes can get smashed or run over fairly easily and being aware there can be sudden stops and starts and people around corners… it was pretty fast paced especially at the night shift when it was during load out.  So I had no clue what this position involved.  So in the morning we were there to load in.  So there were several employees who were stage hands.  And then there’s a crew of the actual band that work together.  Please this is only what nine hours of experience and a very vague understanding of what’s going on, but this is how I’m perceiving it as of now.  So the bands crew has the stage hands load and unload their equipment.  So during load in the stage hands we line up and when the crew removes the equipment off of their semi trucks they direct where to take their equipment.  So I didn’t even really understand stage direction… example stage right and left, down or up stage, pit area and front of the house.  During load in I was the son’s shadow.  I came in with him and they seem to like him and wanted to help show me the ropes.  They say there are waves… we move quickly when it’s our turn to move the equipment but then we wait in line.  Once we get the equipment unloaded we kind of break off into groups to help in certain areas such as audio, video… things like that.  The son and I were chosen to go to the VIP area to help set things up there.  So There was a truck parked next to this area and we unloaded and then helped the crew set up the furniture and space.  So this is actually a little more comfortable for me.  When it comes to assembling things that makes sense to me.  It doesn’t take long for me to figure it out and feel like I’m helping out.  Once we helped out in the VIP area we returned to the docks there was a lot of standing around.  Many of the current staff were just hanging out and socializing.  Again I was shadowing the son who is in his mid twenties.  So when I was listening to his conversations I felt like I couldn’t really put much input into the conversation.  

hehe so there’s a break in the day before we return and during this break I was thinking at first… hmmmm… there was quite a bit of standing around and waiting… I’m not sure if I like that.  Plus when we’re standing around there seems to be a lot of socializing… and i thought I’m not the best at casual conversations… hehe… I also thought well this is a good opportunity to learn how to do this better.  Also to relax during work… i know I’ve been working on that as well.  When I work I like to be involved in many areas to keep my mind active and engaged instead of monotony.  But as I distance myself in the work I’m engaged with the more I question whether what’s too far for me to be involved.  I have long term visions and there’s no way I can forget them.  In a sense I don’t want to commit to projects that I feel aren’t going to relate to these projects, but I also know that there’s connections that come into play that involve areas that I’m not directly focusing on either.  So I want to be open.  And most of what I find I do is seem to be drawn to work with certain people and I find they are from a huge diverse backgrounds so… I never know when I’m going to meet them and the more diverse I keep myself the more opportunity to run into these people.  There were some interesting people at this location.  For some reason many of the faces did seem familiar to me.  I did feel there could be opportunities for some unusual conversations.  I guess I’m open to whatever it can be.  After the load out… I feel much more open to giving this gig a try because it was fast paced and hardly any standing around.  It feels good to break a sweat.  

So during the break I was already half way to Indy and the cultural diversity drum circle meets on Sunday.  The leader has just returned from Africa and I was wanting to welcome her back and say hello to whomever joins us.  I had a little time to spare before the drum circle so I thought I would try out a new disc golf course nearby to the university we meet to drum at.  When I arrived to the course there was a private event going on so I was unable to play.  Looks like there was a jazz concert about to go down there… and I thought that would’ve been fun to be invited to the private event… hehe… a little jazz in the park sounds like a great time.  So I headed towards the university garden’s to take a stroll through the woods and listen to the birds and wind through the trees.  I absolutely love the opportunities for a peaceful stroll through the woods.  They have a pond with a water fountain that holds large koi fish which are just monstrous in size.. hehe.. I was able to chat with the leader when she arrived.  We decided to go ahead and drum outside.  A little chance of rain which worried the leader but all the ladies who showed was reassuring her that everything is all good.  So yes it was the first time that there was only women at the circle.  To be honest there were only two who seem to have enough experience with drumming to create and mesh together to play improve drumming.  The remaining four of us aren’t so experienced.  I was hoping this would be a good opportunity for the leader to help guide us or direct us to learn some of her rhythms she knows from her childhood.  She did start to want to teach us but she was teaching us more on how to sing.  So she had us just keep a steady beat and come in and sing at the proper time.  I would like to learn how to do this better too.  If you’ve ever tried to sing and drum at the same time… it gets a bit tricky and I’d like to get better at it as well.  I keep thinking about Aya ceremonies and how opportunities and can arise to grow deeper on ways to help guests connect during ceremony.  In my opinion Icaros can involve music with voice and instruments and rhythms.  Once I start to get a collection of instruments… I’m looking forward to having them in ceremony with me and see if I’m drawn to use them.  Lol.. shoot when it comes to ceremonies there’s a highly likely chance that I can pick up an instrument and start playing as if I’ve been doing this all my life.. hehe… ceremony is just so wild and I have a feeling that my style of Icaro will be leading to explore this more.  

I was able to make it back home to watch the final two episodes to a series with my pops we’ve been watching and grabbing something to eat before returning to Ruoff.  This time I came in about an hour early to my shift.  I came solo and so I was able to check if they needed any help before the shift but they already had staff to come in early so they didn’t need my help until I was scheduled.  So I went ahead and checked out the concert.  It was Zac Brown Band… I’ve heard of his group and I’m sure there’s some song they sing that I’ve heard, but I cannot recall what they are.  I thought this is part of the benefits to working here so I thought I’d check out how the stage looks, see how the crowd is and see what the feel of the atmosphere is.  It’s been a long minute since I’ve been on the lawn area of Deer Creek.  It was packed and it was fun to people watch for a bit.  I remember that was one thing I enjoyed when I worked here years ago was the diversity of fans that show up to the live concerts.  I watched a few songs and then headed back to the docks.  I checked in and at this show when we checked in they gave us a specific area to work on and gave us color coded shirts to keep us organized and to have the crew know who is working with them.  They put me on the audio team with blue shirts.  I sat next to these two guys and eventually I struck up a conversation with them.  They were wearing blue shirts too and asked if they knew a little bit of the expectations of being a part of the audio team.  They happened to be a father-son team.  The father helps setup audio and Vistula at the JW Marriot and he hires this team to help him setup events at times and he enjoys participating in these gigs when he has time.  His son just started this summer and I’m happy I spoke to them.  They were hard workers and were much more knowledgeable than most in this area… i presume.  They warned me its going to be chaotic for load out.  There’s going to be so much going on so again be safe.  It was a circus… hehe… and I felt an energy of rushing to get things packed up and shipped out.  So I have little experience with disconnecting microphones and wires so I felt like I was the least experienced on site… hehe… but I knew I’d pick it up and not afraid to ask for help.  Lol… there was a moment where a gentleman was asking me to help him out with his equipment.  And even when it came to locking up the case I wasn’t familiar of how the latch works.  I was chuckling to myself because I didn’t know how to do it… I felt like I was wasting his time but I figured it out… and he was so calm and collected and was going to explain it to me.  That’s what I felt was really good.  Most of the crew were really calm about explaining things to us.  It seemed that they first would ask us to do something and when they saw if we had hesitation then they would take the time to explain in a calm manner.  There was so much language that was being used that was going over my head but there were some things that were clicking into place… lol.. it was fun.  I found myself smiling and chuckling to myself and someone actually asked me what I’m laughing at.  I wasn’t expecting anyone to notice and I couldn’t even really respond.. I was enjoying all the little things I was noticing and just chuckling to myself how much I don’t know what’s going on but observing behavior that people aren’t seeing though either.  So I know there’s so much I’m missing as well.  Anyway it was fun.  I went ahead and signed up to join the staff coming up this Friday.  It’s another country band, Eric Church I believe.  I remember when I was teaching dance one of my students really loved his music.  I might try to come in early again to check out a few of his songs.  It would be crazy if I run into my past student… he was a bit shy so I don’t know if he’d go to a concert or not.  But who knows… 

I think I’m going to message the manager today.  I think there might be opportunities to have some training opportunities.  The son I was shadowing said there might be a rigging training coming up on the 14th.  I don’t even know what that involves.. hehe.. I guess I want to let her know I’m definitely interested in getting any training I can.  I know I’m learning a lot being thrown into the chaos but it would be nice to have a little more structured training as well.  Plus I’ve been seeding to her that I’m interested in learning… I’m used to being a hard worker and being noticed by management, but with so many people running around… I figure it might be best to speak up about opportunities then to randomly stand out of the crowd.  So we’ll see where it leads.  My life was getting pretty monotonous so I’m happy I’m looking to change things up a bit.  Oh one of my buddies also got a hold of me and wanted to see if I’m interested in an art project.  He’s working for a company where they have many scraps to possibly build things.  He was brainstorming with his girlfriend and they thought maybe of making playscapes for cats.  They actually have a girl that is interested.  He doesn’t have the time to do this, but he thought of me.  So I told him that I’d be interested in meeting the girl and see what she’s looking for.  I guess she likes to do pole dancing for fun and lol… I could find some fun conversations to have with her.  Again… I’m trying to open up to new conversations and experiences.  I’m heading back to the drum troupe practice tomorrow as well.  I’ve been practicing the rhythms I recorded… even though my little buddy Elvis is not sure he likes my drumming.  I’m using a five gallon water jug to practice on.  I hope he can get use to it more, because I definitely know I”ll be getting a drum sooner or later and I’ll enjoy practicing.  I’d love for him to get use to it so he doesn’t freak out about live music.  I feel we’re going to be attracting this into our lives.  He did so well with Aya ceremonies and Icaros and the energy going on.  Instruments might get added into them as well and just casual jam sessions are potentials… so just get him used to it and maybe it will translate to other noises that makes him uncomfortable too.  Hehe he’s been all over me today.  I was gone for most of the day yesterday so I’m going to go ahead and get off here and spend a chill day with him and my pops.  Ok until next time. 

[withinUverse]

I can’t help but notice that I’m finding I’m chuckling to myself a lot and finding myself smiling for just living with whatever I’m dealing with lately.  I don’t know if i can really explain this but I think I’ve been making it cleat that I’m very unexperienced in many “normal” things people handle on the daily.  I was having a conversation with one of the guys about stability.  I was trying to explain to him that this wasn’t necessarily a value I had in the past… only lately have i really noticed that having some stability does seem to help the human side of life, right.  Many who are grounded may be laughing at me, but that’s just not how I have developed in life.  So I know I”m not the only one having these experiences so I want to help people in similar situations as myself… that they’re not the only ones having to face things that make us feel uncomfortable.  So I got a check yesterday and so today I was hoping to get a bank account so I can cash my checks regularly.  Let’s go over my banking history.  It’s not the best history… so I didn’t even know if I’d be able to get an account.  Gosh let’s see I might’ve had an account when I was in high school but it was so brief that I cannot even remember it.  What I can remember was when I was in college.  I was living in Arizona at the time and I had a bank account and I had my first overdraft fee.  It was at the time when I was desperate but I know it was less than $60.  I hadn’t handled this account for decades so I know the interest continued to build up month after month and year after year.  I checked my credit report and I didn’t even see it on my account.  I’m sure it’ll come up but it took me close to a decade or more to even look for another bank account.  So I qualified for a credit union in Indy and I was doing well with it.  When I moved to Colorado to start working there… I got another credit union account.  When I started to travel to Peru more often I did find that I was over drafting in smaller amounts… like less than $10… smh… it would take me a long time to get back to the credit union especially the one in Indiana because I just wasn’t there often enough.  If you don’t remember I don’t have a phone line either so I’ve setup another challenge of communication.  When I moved back to Indiana last year I ran into a situation where I went to go cash my check… I was just going to payoff the balance I had, but they went ahead and closed my account.  They said that I’d have to setup another appointment to reinstate my account.  Well I wasn’t confident that i was going to be working at this location long… I went ahead and asked to see if I could get paid in cash.  They actually didn’t give me a problem doing this.  So I still have an account in Colorado.  Smh… I don’t have a debt card right now… it was eaten up at an atm in Peru.  Lol… I literally had to go through loops just to get that card to me.  It was going to be expiring while I was in Peru so I switched my mailing address and had my dad mail it to me there.  Most addresses in the jungle do not have mailboxes.  Mail men aren’t going house to house to deliver mail.  So I had to figure out how to receive a letter… and it took almost two months to get the letter…. But it only took like twice at the atm to get the wrong code and the machine to keep my card… hehe… anyway… I haven’t been reliant on it so much… so it hasn’t been a big deal.  Yes many people don’t deal with much cash anymore, but myself… I still highly depend on cash.  

Anywho I go to the credit union here to see if I can get an account.  I knew I would have a problem in different areas to get an account but I figured I’d go and see what I can do.  So proof of address… I have been so here and there… I don’t really have proof of residency.  Most companies want utility bills or your current address on your ID.  Well I still hold a Colorado driver’s license.  I can’t say that I’m not going to be returning to Colorado again.  I guess I can keep switching up my license everywhere I go, but it doesn’t really bother me.  I grabbed my credit union statements that are sent here to Indiana since it’s my current mailing address in their system.  So to my surprise they accepted those as proof of residency.  Lol… I even asked my pops to join me just in case to see if he could verify that I’m his daughter and I’m living with him… hehe… well things were going well but then they said that if I wanted a checking account they charge $5/month.  I stopped everything and said I’m not sure I’m wanting to commit to that right now.  I haven’t had to pay a fee to have a checking account before… it’s a small charge of $60 a year, but again when I’m traveling around… every dollar counts so I said I have to see if that charge will be ok or not.  Right now I’m going to see what other options I have.  Well I thought I could just put my check to my dad and he could cash it at his bank.  Which literally we did 9 months ago, but today… I am not on his account so he wouldn’t be able to cash it for me.  With them I needed to have a utility bill to be able to prove residency so I wouldn’t be able to apply for an account.  So what’s my options? 

Well… I went ahead and deposited my check through my credit union account in colorado.  I’m transferring money into my dad’s account so he can give me the cash… smh… I messaged them to see if I can get a replacement card but of course I need to call them to do this.  So I’ll have to wait to see when I can get access to a phone to call them and get a card sent so I can actually use the money I’m depositing.  I know.. i know… I’ve made things complicated, but I do find it funny and I’m going to get better at not making things so complicated.  Shoot I know I’m eventually going to be opening accounts internationally so getting a bit familiar with banks and proof of residency or proof of anything that involves stability will need to be developed.. lol… All I can say as of now… It will be easier to save when I’m depositing checks into an account that’s not so easy to get access of using the money being deposited.  I know my dad is used to my crazy and he’s got his own similar ways of crazy so he doesn’t mind giving me cash as I transfer money into his account, but I’m not wanting to rely on this for too long.  

What else was I running into today that I found funny… oh helping my dad out.  So he has a pool with gold fish in them.  I think he says he has 20 to 30 fish in it.  He has another pool he’s been filling up to capture rain water.  He was treating it with chlorine but he hasn’t been treating it for a month or so… so he’s noticed there’s been a lot of mosquitos.  He wanted to move some of the fish into this pool to help with the procreation process of the mosquitos.  This pool is near his hot tub area… hehe… so he had tried out but didn’t have any success.  He thinks that I’ll be able to help him out.  So I said I will help him.  I’m like what’s the equipment that we have to use?  Well we got a bucket to fill the pool water in so we can transport the fish to the new location.  He has two nets on poles but they are broken and taped together near the head so the resistance the water has on them makes them break frequently.. lol and then he had like a window screen that he thought we would be able to hold under the water and see if we can capture the fish IF they swim above the mesh.  Let’s just say I couldn’t stop laughing as we were trying things out.  I was like… dad these fish are pretty intelligent and fishing is an art.  I definitely don’t know this art but what we have is not going to work.  So I said the netting is probably the best idea but we need something bigger.  So he had something like chicken wire but plastic so it’s a netting and a larger piece.  He asked if I had any weights to help the net sink.  I remember cleaning out the garage there were some fishing gear and weights were there and so I grabbed them.  So we decided to place some weights on the edge of the net and then a few towards the center of the weights we placed to help keep the net lower in the water.  So we placed it in the water about half way across the pool and we were able to pick the net up easily and quickly.. so we grabbed the fish food again but I said instead of spreading it around everywhere lets just put it in the area where they have to swim across the netting to get to it.  And it worked.  We didn’t really want the fish to get caught under the netting so we didn’t want it to set in the pool for long.  But we got eight fish out and he said he wasn’t 100% sure about the chemical properties in the second pool he said let’s see how they respond before fishing out more.  We hope they are going to do well in the new location, but we’re only doing the best we can do at this time.  I’ve been killing some insects and it makes me feel bad but I also know this is the only thing I know what to do at this time and with what I have to use.  I know I’ll learn better ways but I also know I’ve got to do things now even though it’s not exactly the perfect scenario.  

That’s what I have to keep reminding myself… the human mind’s idea of the adj perfect scenario that would be an ideal to start something.  In fact it is not necessary to have that scenario to start something and learn from it.  So instead of making excuses of why I’m not starting something now… just do what I can do with what I have and just learn with what I have going on right now.  And I’m finding it fun in a weird and quirky way.  I’m not getting frustrated but it’s amusing.  I have a feeling this isn’t the way I’m always going to be approaching these situations but it will be fun to have memories of change in perceptions.  

I did reach out to my manager and she was happy to hear i’m looking to learn… she’s putting my name on the training list.  She actually hasn’t set a date but wants it sometime this month.  She also wants to talk to me about being a part of her corporate staff as well.  I spoke to two guys who are a part of the corporate team and it seems it’s very similar to what we are doing now at the concert but they go to other event locations to setup.  As an example many have heard of the Indy 500… so we’d go to the race track to help setup the live concert areas and who knows what else.  When I was talking to these guys I was hinting around about liking to learn how to setup and build the stages and they said that it seems more hands on with the corporate team.  The manager said the corporate season… so I’m uncertain what that means… so yeah I’m interested in speaking with her about it.  I’m chuckling to myself right now because I watch tarot readings and most of the time it’s like running in the background and there was a statement that I heard today was the viewer who is supposed to me is becoming less rigid.  I feel like I am conscious that that’s exactly what I feel like this position can help allow me to learn.  To stop being so rigid about things… or at least less rigid…. And I wouldn’t have described myself in this manner but I honestly see that I have those qualities that I want to adjust.  I feel like I want to use the word adjust more than change… i feel it’s a better explanation for people I work with so it doesn’t seem so drastic.  In a sense spirituality is drastic but to be more grounded it’s making adjustments so we’re not swinging the pendulum so drastically.  I just want to assure people who are here wanting to work on their spirituality… regardless of where we’re at… we’re able to adjust our consciousness to higher degrees.  It’s not going to look the same as everyone else doing this work or not consciously doing this work.  I know Leo has advised people to get their money handled before working on Enlightenment work… not exactly but sometimes it’s insinuated, but… we can Awaken and then be able to work on money from a higher consciousness state as well.  If we’re drawn to Spirituality… just work from where you are.  And when you’ve connected to universal consciousness… it’s going to give us a calm and confident approach to whatever we’re wanting to work with as we understand where we are as part of the collective.  I’ve enjoyed how my life’s been unfolding… it’s been amusing to see where I have placed myself and I’m looking forward to how I adjust to it now.  It’ll be interesting to see if I return to this Journal five years from now and see what adjustments I’ve been able to make and create in this life experience.  Alright… I just wanted to get this out of my mind at this time.  I feel like practicing a few rhythms for tomorrow’s practice.  I’ll talk later… until next time. 

[withinUverse]

Alright, hello… so… I’ve been waking up the last few days and I keep thinking about communication in different states interpreting the communication.  I’ve been more aware how much lost in translation occurs… at least in my opinion.  But in a greater sense it’s what it is and so if it’s supposed to be lost then that’s what it is.  Even though I notice this doesn’t stop me from wanting to find a way to communicate with more clarity.  I’ve been noticing when I’m lost and when other’s are as well.  I’ve also been aware that I’m trying to be more socially acceptable… hehe.. I’m not sure how to explain this because in a way I’ve always worked on this, but also in another sense I haven’t.  So let’s see what’s been happening to explore more of what I’m trying to say… hehe

So Tuesdays I’ve been driving to the drum troupe practice which is an hour away and so I like to make a day out of it.  Before I left I was messaging a few guys.  The first conversation was with the guy who has been doing well in conversations of whether he’s ready to continue consciously with his Spirituality and ceremony.  I had introduced him to Leo’s video the dangers of Spiritual work.  I received a message that he wants to continue… he says he keeps asking himself if this is something he wants to do even watching this video he feels like he’s ready.  He said he’d like to share ceremony and would like to invite my girl friend who I introduced him too.  Now in a sense I’d love for this to happen, but in another way I’m trying to figure out if he’s really ready.  I’m still very relaxed in sharing ceremony.  I’ve been finding that the more people are asking to share the ceremony the more I’m questioning their motives.  So I told him to not necessarily worry about ceremony at this time.  Ceremony will arise when it does and we don’t have to necessarily plan it out right now.  I admitted to him that communication has been getting lost in translation so I wanted to make sure that ceremony at this time is giving him glimpses of the potential of higher states of consciousness.  But it’s the daily life activities where he’s learning how to embody these higher states.  So most of the work is done outside of ceremony per se.  So again I was trying to emphasize that the work he’s going to be doing on himself and his Spirituality is going to be on the regular daily basis.  I know he’s excited about ceremony, he had a really great experience with Bufo and I think he’s just excited with such a new approach he perceives I lead in my life.  But I also find that he has a hastiness to him too.  I get it, but I’m trying to steer him to be more grounded than I was myself.  

I asked him if he could explain to me what his thoughts were of why he thinks he should be on this path and what did he think about Leo’s video… His response was the exact same from the last time we spoke.  When I was visiting him and his family he said this and his result was that he probably isn’t ready.  This time he used the same words to say he is ready… hehe… I was trying to encourage him to open up a bit more to better explain to me and himself why the change in mindset.  But there wasn’t anything new to his thoughts.  So as I’ve been getting to know him deeper… I do find that I want to use language that isn’t really in his vocabulary.  I’m definitely familiar with that myself… My vocabulary can use some help, but I also want him to get a better idea of levels of consciousness and introduce him to areas that I feel will help him get a better sense of the vocabulary and ideas I’d like to talk to him about.  So I suggest a few more videos of Leo’s to see again if he’s willing to open up his mind to Spiritual topics and I keep trying to tell him how much Leo has helped me along this path.  I keep telling him how much Leo has dedicated his life to help assist people to Awaken and if he’s serious I want to introduce him to tools that have helped me.  I don’t know if these will help him or if it’s his style, but if this is knew to him… I frankly don’t want to explain things that Leo has done in much more depth and the variety of content that I’m willing to do myself for him.  I’m asking him to do some work on his own time with guidance from someone who helped guided me.  I am finding that I’m wanting to create a distance to people so they don’t rely on me to hold their hands through this process.  And I’m telling him that his work is to find out what works for him, but since he’s new to this what I can suggest are things that worked for me.  I”ll help you right now, but eventually you won’t need my help and also I don’t want to do the work for him… it just won’t work anyway… hehe.  So with our conversations I went ahead and suggested the no—bullshit explanation to Spirituality, the introduction of the model of spiral dynamics, and what is authority.  This time I was more specific about our conversations over these videos.  First of all I sent him videos that are older… so I told him that these are a few years old… just to give him a better idea that I was watching these videos when they were originally posted.  I’ve been watching Leo’s videos for years now and I’ve been using these tools and I restated that I’ve watched hundreds of hours on these videos, but this was not something fleeting in my life.  I took it seriously and possibly if I can see he’s wanting to take it seriously than I’m more willing to spend more time with him as well.  I understand that I can help in conversation but I also know I’m very developed in ceremonies as well.  Not saying I’m the best but I have a natural knack in this space, but again I’m not so open right now to share it with everyone when they want me to.  If they want to share ceremony with me, I want to make sure they understand that my time and attention is going to be shared when I’m ready as well.  I want him to be able to have conversations about these videos I said.  I’m hoping he can see the value in Leo’s work so he can start getting interested in exploring the material that’s being given and easily available.  But again trying to let him know that most of his time is going to be with himself and not with me.  Now granted I do see the advantage he has to have me available to speak with.  I told him there’s not going to be many people he knows that are going down this path… so having me as a resource will be an advantage for him, that I was not able to have as I am in this process.   Well… hehe… I told him possibly using the forum might be of value to him… so I guess I did have the forum available to me that I didn’t use and which was in my opinion an advantage for me in my path because I know people on the forum like to point out things or debate things that I feel would have hinder my style of understanding.  But it could be a possible resource for him.  I’m again trying to show him tools and he’ll have to find out whether they resonate with him or not.  

So as I’ve been communicating with him… .not just in this conversation but in other conversations I’ve been trying to find a way to get him to understand what I’m trying to point to… but again I also know what he’s picking up is exactly what he’s supposed to be picking up.  I know at his stage he’s only going to be hearing and understanding what he’s supposed to be at this time.  I know I’ve been more blunt with him, but I also know I’ve been trying to ease it into conversation… I know I do this a lot with the ones I communicate with, but I also know that if it gets to the point of being blunt without ease… I’m getting more comfortable doing this as well.  Lol… I’m finding that being easy into situations seems to lead to lost in translation situations… so I’m getting more comfortable of not always being easy in my approach all the time.  I do feel a bit of frustration in conversation, but it’s not them… it’s me… why am i trying to making it easy and being fragile with the messages that are an apparent focus at this moment.  I know I’m still trying to find a balance in communication.  And I feel he’s a bit more receptive so I don’t have to be so aggressive like I find myself being with others.  Aggressive probably isn’t the vocabulary I’m wanting to use… it feels like when I communicate there are times that I use dramatic language when it’s not the case, but it’s the way I try to make a point… hehe… I’ll get better at this.  Anyway… it was a good conversation and I”m curious to see what results from this.  

So after this conversation I had another guy message me.  We hadn’t hung out since our camping trip.  This is the brother who has a dog.  He wanted to see if I was available to hangout… he was leaning towards playing some disc golf.  I thought about what I wanted to do this trip to the drum practice and I thought I didn’t have to go play disc golf in Yorktown this time and I could go ahead and get a game in before I left.  So I suggested that to him.  When I said this I told him that I was going to practice and I make a day out of this.  I believe he knew this, but possibly he didn’t remember… but then he said he’d love to join me on my day along with his dog if I’m looking for some company.  Lol… in fact I didn’t want company because I really enjoy my day to myself before practice.  I’ve really been liking my alone exploration time throughout the day and being very chill.  But that didn’t stop me from opening the opportunity to allow them to join me.  So I was thinking what am I going to be doing?  I’m stopping to get some spring water, get doughnuts for my pops, I was going to get a few groceries for myself, I wanted to do some hiking and swimming at the reservoir again, and then I’ll be in practice.  So we’ve got a dog that wants to join us… this is where I was thinking about being socially acceptable.  I know this friend really likes to clash with authority of society and I feel he assumes I’m the same way… again in a way yes, but not always in certain situations.  He mentioned that he and his dog can just hang somewhere while I was doing my thing… so I asked him if there’s a particular place he wants to go… but he didn’t.  So I said I’m not certain being with his dog will work… The drum practice is indoors for three hours… so I doubt he’d want to be alone outside for this time… and I don’t believe this reservoir trails and swimming allows dogs only in the camp areas.  As I was running this through along with my desire to just go by myself I ended up telling him that today will not be the best day.  I’m completely free tomorrow or Thursday… that will work best for me.   He did mention that he’d like to get some spring water too so I said I could swing by and pickup his containers.  When I said that he said ok cool… I’ve got to get some food and water for the dog before we go… and I knew something got lost in translation.  I said that I don’t think we’re on the same page… let’s see if he read what I was intending.  Today I’m going to stop by and pick up containers to get spring water for him… and tomorrow we’ll take the dog and go swim and hangout.  His response was funny… he said well. “I suppose that’s one way to read it”… and so I made it clear… that hanging out tomorrow will work for me.  And he said that he just likes to be in the Now and doesn’t really like to plan things out so much.  But said tomorrow will be cool too.  I’ll post this part of our texting…hehe.. it’s been humorous to see so many times where we’re not on the same page when I assumed we were while we were talking.  

Ok so I have to admit… my poor dad has to hear my reactions to these conversations… lol… I seem to not be able to stop myself… even though I”ve been more selective of what I share with him… but there’s time I am expressing the thoughts going through my mind.  This is when I’m telling him that I want to be, “AAAHhhh!” But on the other hand I’m like why am I wanting to be so “AAAHhhh!”  Lol… he understood… there’s a weird style of communication that I have especially with people I’ve had years and years of experience with that makes sense… hehe… well I don’t perceive any lost in translation going on.  So again this is my process of easing into communication.  Again it’s inside me… I knew that I wanted to go alone but I also am open to hanging out with him.  If I was just clear at the start it wouldn’t have gotten lost, but when it was brought up I didn’t really think it through too much.. so I was trying to work it through to make everything work… but then I was honest with myself and then trying to find my way to get to the clarity so everyone’s on the same page.  We did end up hanging out yesterday and enjoyed ourselves but I’ll go into that after I finish my Tuesday.

So he wasn’t ready for me to pick up the containers for the spring water… So I went ahead and headed out.  Again I’ll continue to say the small things I’m experiencing is so satisfying… like driving in the country… I absolutely love country cruises, once I get onto a nature trail it just does something to me.  I feel so calm and connected… I love the dancing leaves in the wind and the music from the wind, birds, and insects.  The large grasshoppers who are trying to fly away from me but we’re following the same gravel path.  I’m getting better at noticing the spider webs… because I love seeing the spiders but feel a little guilty when I walk through them because I wasn’t paying much attention.  The cooling sensation when walking into the shade of the trees.  Water!!! water… being submerged into water… floating… the sensation on my skin… so satisfying… the feeling of my hair and body floating and weightlessness… feeling the difference with allowing the flow with the currants but also the resistance to the flow is nice too.  I ran into some raspberries so I did a little forging too.  Yes these moments are really appreciated when I’m alone… I know I still have these moments when I’m spending time with others but I feel more open and available when I’m not with another human…hehe… when a human gets involved I start to adjust my focus.  And at times I’m good with that, but at other times… I’d rather not.

The drum practice was really fun!  There were four more drummers I hadn’t met yet.  Having more drums really added to the experience, but in another sense made it a bit more chaotic.  Now I know that this is where I’m getting lost in translation.  I’m not used to African drumming compared to this troupe so I’m still getting introduced.  Not always was it chaotic but there were a few moments where the sounds seemed to get so mashed up that I couldn’t hear the harmony of it but it still gave me an intense reaction that felt good too.  I’ve been practicing the rhythms so the woman I usually follow along with started introducing adding a few rhythms in the same song… to add diversity into the mix and add a bit of challenge and I loved it and she loved how quickly I was picking it up.  They are still asking if I want to do a solo, but I feel I haven’t really got the confidence to be free to do a solo yet… but I’m getting there. I’m trying to add the different tones and slaps and flams… hehe… I love the conversations with sounds during the practice too… I love that we are using the sounds we hear to help communicate things… i find myself giggling a lot and I feel it brings a good energy when people have been doing this awhile I can understand that sometimes the little moments of joy can be overlooked.  There was a song I’ve been learning sounded completely different when all of them were there and they played the entire composition and it went from a regular pace to a slowed down tempo and it was awesome and I couldn’t help but to display the joy I was feeling in that moment.  It’s been so fun to be able to share this with them.  I’m grateful I’ve got this opportunity right now.  I’m hoping to attract more music sessions into my experience.  It brings so much life and joy.  Lol… I even downloaded an app last night where I’m trying to develop my voice a bit more as well.  Music seems to be getting attracted right now.. even working at a concert venue too.  So music in different areas… I’m enjoying it!

So yesterday morning I got ahold of my friend to see if he still wanted to hang and go swim with his dog.  He was still interested but he had another friend of ours… the one who was my classmate and asked if he could join us.  I told him I didn’t mind, but he didn’t catch that I said that.  Because when I asked him if he’s gotten a hold of him to go he said he didn’t know if I was cool with that.  I didn’t address it because it’s not a big deal.  I just said that I’d like to spend time with him… by himself is cool, but if he wants to bring another buddy with us… I’m ok with that too.  During our conversation he had mentioned our buddy wasn’t having such a good start to the day… so I wasn’t sure I’d like his energy with us… but again I allowed whether it was going to happen or not.  Fortunately my buddy is pretty aware of himself and said that he wasn’t feeling up to hanging out with us.. so we went by ourselves along with pup.  So i felt calm and I had a free day so I was looking to enjoy myself and take my time.  I was hoping to see what our conversations were going to be.  I know lately I’ve been wondering if he has the ability to talk about things that aren’t about getting high… and mostly those conversations are because of who we’re with.  When we’re together… our conversations don’t lead that way.  I did feel like I was being more quiet and see where he wanted to lead the conversations… I got him to open up more about his history and his family.  I’ve been hearing so many different stories from the new people I’ve been introducing into my experience that I’m now able to remember more details about him specifically.  We went to a Miami tripe Nature preserve.  It’s called the Seven Pillars along the Mississinewa River next to the reservoir up there.  I know he wanted to swim but going there was going to be fairly shallow but I knew it wasn’t going to stop us from getting into the river.  That’s what I wanted him to notice was how much we really love nature.  Wading in the river but then getting into the cool water which had a pretty strong and steady current was even better.  Climbed on some of the rock structures that’s been carved out of the water and wind… it was really beautiful and fun… oh my goodness watching his dog’s joy jumping and prancing through the water and the grass was fun to witness… he’s so adorable this dog isn’t quite a year old but he’s a big boy… but I love observing how much their attention gets drawn from one sensation to another… they get so excited that it’s hard for them to even listen to what the humans are wanting from them…hehe… I really enjoy having animals with us.  I haven’t really spent a lot of time in this area.  It was a cloudy day and it was getting a bit chilly in the water so I suggested to find some trails around the area.  We drove a bit in the country and we found some trails and we took the Lost Sister Trail.  It was awesome with just how long it was… how much it was away from cars… yes a few times but most of the time was the amazing sounds of nature.  I loved watching my friend finding and questions all the fungi, plants, and flowers as we were going along.  I saw how excited and curious he was so I’d try to help find mushrooms for him.  We were smelling a lot of different things… hehe… we we’re finding seeds that looked like walnuts… I don’t remember ever smelling walnuts and when we smelled them they had a citrus scent like citronella-ish… some seeds that smelled similar to Juniper… yeah I really enjoy smelling things and we both admitted we’d like to know more about flora, fungi, and fauna.  We ran into a little rain at the end of the trail which really put a highlight to finish our day out together.  I really had an enjoyable day with him… it was nice. There were a few times he seemed he wanted to explore some of his fear and conspiracies he’s had on his mind for years.. but I didn’t encourage these conversations.  Even at times he was trying to speak about people he admires and explain their thoughts… again I found myself not wanting to encourage these conversations and bring it back to our own experiences and interested in his thoughts.  It was good to hear him admit that he has a thing about society… wanting to resist against the norm, but than he eventually admitted that there are some things he’d like to get better at which is social acceptable and be ok with wanting to be in alignment with these too.  Yeah… it was good… things that I was hoping to bring up to him actually found their way into conversation and it was easy and wasn’t having to use brute force… it just flowed in throughout the day.  I feel we’re getting better acquainted with each other when we just have time to share… not even in the discussions we’re having just the energy we’re sharing and enjoying together.  

When I went to pick him up I did have a cool discussion with his mom and his niece.  His niece is a missionary and had dedicated her life to her Spirituality and I found our conversation interesting.  I’m hoping to run into her more possibly to get a more in depth conversation.  She’s going to be in Indiana for a year before she goes out on her mission.  She just got back from training in Mexico a few weeks back.  She mentioned she learned different languages through the BEC program and I looked into it briefly when I got back home last night.  It’s similar to what I’ve been doing but in a more formal approach and possibly because there’s a structure to it people can be more aware of learning a language in a concise manner than my approach of just winging it and finding out how to make it work… hehe… but yeah… I’m getting hungry so I think I’ll go ahead and make some lunch.  I’ll talk at ya later then. 

[withinUverse]

Alright… so I went on a little camping trip to the Sand Dunes in Michigan with a guy I’m getting to better understand.  I wrote about him back in March… I met him through salsa dancing and we went on a small hike at Mounds State Park.  We haven’t really spoken until recently.  I did remember a few weeks back I was wondering what he was up to and then shortly after he reached out.  So we decided to go to the dunes and camp out.  I didn’t realize the park was also along the coast of Lake Michigan.  So after hiking and working up a sweat in the dunes we got to cool off and relax in the lake and on the beach.  I passed out on the beach and so I got a little more sun than I was expecting.  I got a little hint of redness but it’s tanned over now.  It was fun to go into a different space in nature I haven’t been before.  I’ve visited some sand banks that are decent size in Florida, but I haven’t been to dunes before.  Ran into some plant species that I haven’t seen before which was cool.  I wasn’t sure how it was going to go, but it went well.  He’s about ten years younger then I am.  I have a feeling that he might be curious to see if I might be interested in him in a manner romantically.  I have that in the back of my mind, and I wish it wasn’t so present in my mind when I’m meeting and hanging out with people.  But it’s there and I always have to figure out the appropriate time and manner to address my romantic mindset at this time.  But he’s very mature and it wasn’t needed to be addressed immediately.  I wasn’t sure how our conversations were going to go but I know I was finding an opportunity to see how much exploration into spirituality he has gone.  There were a few attempts where I was trying to seed his curiosity but most of the time he wasn’t taking the bait.  It wasn’t until we were driving back to Indiana that I took a more direct approach and asked him direct questions.  Right… I use words to see if he’ll ask questions or expand on his understanding in these areas.  So psychedelics and Enlightenment where key words I feel I started to seed him to see if he wanted to continue a deeper conversation or not.  By the way… most of our conversation is not these topics… I usually like to get to know the history and interests of whom I’m speaking with.  And I’m getting better at feeling that possibly I might be giving too much information to absorb so redirecting the conversation back to comfortable material subjects.  I know I’m trying to get better at socializing in a more general sense, but I also know there’s a desire to see how to explore someone’s curiosity towards spirituality as well.  I figure what’s attracting us to have this experience together?  Yes I’m getting better at being more comfortable in new energies and bringing up topics in a more casual way as well.  Having different conversations with different states of consciousness always increases my understanding in general ways, which is important for me.  

It was pretty funny when we went to the campground to setup our spot.  He brought the tent but it was the smallest tent that I had used before… hehe… it was a backpackers tent that could fit two bodies and unable to sit up without hitting the top of the tent.  So utilitarian tent to sleep in.  I was chuckling as we were putting it up… A part of me was like… I don’t mind sleeping in close quarters with him, but I don’t really know him too well… so depending on how this plays out… I made a comment that I won’t hesitate to just sleep in the car if necessary.  But again… this isn’t the way I say it, but I know he’s picking up what I’m saying without making him feel like I’m creeped out by him.  But I find myself chatting with some of the other campers who are walking by.  There were two couples who are retirement age walking by and I found myself asking them how they are and where they’re from.  They make a joke about the tent’s size… and they’re like I want to sleep very close to you…lol… he said he had a larger tent but he couldn’t find it… but he emphasized if we decide to do this again he’ll find the other tent to make it a bit more spacious and comfy for us.  One of the ladies was laughing because that was a similar situation that her girlfriend (the other lady) had with her now husband on their first date.  But her girlfriend said it wasn’t their first date… it was their first camping trip.  I laughed because that was what is happening here… I didn’t say it but I was like at least they were in a dating situation… hehe… but it really wasn’t a big deal.  Again he’s a gentleman and respectful so I didn’t feel uncomfortable at all.  But yes of course I made it clear to him that I’m not interested in him romantically.  But again not directly… I had been mentioning ceremonies… there’s many topics I would bring up but I did bring up what I said had been the trickiest messages I’ve had which is about the Aussie man.  I didn’t go into every detail but he caught on by the words I used.  I knew it was understood when the next day in a conversation he brought him back up… and I was thankful that he was listening and connecting the dots.  However, when I was speaking about enlightenment I knew the connection wasn’t as obvious or being understood.  I also found myself finding a way to stop the engagement and redirect the conversation.  Hoping something might encourage curiosity some time to come.  But maybe not.

He’s very intelligent and says he’s scientifically minded.  He’s a materialist and finds it hard to accept Christianities views about spirituality.  He mentioned at the camp that he feels what I focus on about spirituality and enlightenment is admirable.  And so I thought this would be a way to ask him a direct question when we were in the car the next day.  We had like three hours in the car so I thought it would be time to see how deep we could go into conversation.  So I asked him what his understanding of Enlightenment is.  He said that he used to think about it more when he was younger, but lately he doesn’t really think about it.  So I said.. in the past what was your concept of Enlightenment for him.  And he said he feels it’s a way to simplify his life.  He doesn’t want to have to go and travel or take any substances to explore his internal world.  I thought that was a good start but I wanted to see what he meant by the words he chose to use.  I first asked about his internal world… obviously I said this is crucial in spiritual work.  This internal conversation that plays out in our mind.  I asked if he had attempted to meditate… he said he had… I asked if he felt frustrated when he first attempted and he admitted that he had felt that.  I said when I began I noticed that I’d try to listen to sounds in my surrounding and then I’d notice that my thoughts started to drown out the sounds.  I remember we spoke a little about this the last time we spoke.  He had admitted at times he’s talking to himself in his head that he doesn’t necessarily always hear what’s being said.  But again… from time to time I knew he was listening from how our conversation was going and mentioned… so he was doing a pretty good job at being present.  I also mentioned how sometime I was frustrated why the certain thoughts were even being brought up and didn’t even know what was going to be thought next.  It was the observation of all this that is the internal work which is important.  So technically yes he doesn’t have to travel or take and substances to do this.  But we can be doing internal work anywhere and at anytime.  So he actually does travel a lot.. so I know that’s something he’ll continue to do and that shouldn’t stop him from doing the internal work, right.  Sounds obvious but sometimes we make criteria of what’s the perfect setting to do the spiritual work.  I didn’t address the extra substances at this time.  But I went into the simplification of his life.  I wanted to understand what he meant by this.  I was wondering if it’s material objects in his life?  Or is it distractions in his life to focus on what he finds valuable.  He said yes… that’s what he had meant.  I also said this seems to naturally come when we become more conscious in our spiritual growth.  So I liked what his understanding is.  So this is when I tried to see how open his mind was and to see if i was going to spook him by talking about enlightenment in a way that maybe he wasn’t familiar with.  I admitted to him that when I started this work more consciously I didn’t know that there was going to be a dimension to this work where enlightenment takes our understanding beyond human.  

I had to mention what I repeated in just general conversations that language is being interpreted differently… but I’m going to continue anyway and that it’s going to possibly sound crazy but again I wanted to continue this line of conversation.  He didn’t ask what beyond human means… he didn’t actually ask many questions which I hoped he would.  It give me a chance to explore his curiosities, but I just went ahead and said… when I said beyond human it’s experiencing life not only as a human.  I tried to give a little background that what most of us experience is being conditioned to believe we are humans living a fragile and limited life.  I was seeding a few things when I was explaining things… but again there were no questions.  And then I decided to use the word the realization of a deeper understanding of God.  So this was brought up briefly the day before on the beach but again… there wasn’t an in depth conversation about this.  I was trying to see if we could explore all the definitions of what God could be.  But I told him that I had a very rudimentary and crude definition of God when I was an atheist… it was such an absurd definition mostly to be able to debate and argue with people.  Obviously I do not consider God as a supreme being in the clouds of heaven watching and judging us.  My understanding as it continues to grow that God is absolutely everything.  We are God but not just humans but the Universe is God.  God is not separate from anything.  This is when he said it’s hard for him to consider that God is part of babies die from hands of murderers and things like this.  He cannot see how God would be involved with any of this.  I said what if… when we are only in human consciousness he tend to view God as another human personality… so we assume we judge things as good and evil… and that death is something we are trying to avoid at all cost.  He said if this is part of God, then I don’t want anything to do with God.  I said God is a part of that but is a part of all the things you love about reality as well.  I was trying to explain to him using the example Leo has used about gravity.  We have an idea of gravity being present on Earth and it has no biases to anything.  It doesn’t have a personality to judge people as evil and then just allow those people to not be affected by it’s gravitational pull and allows those people to float off into space and away from Earth.  In a way that could be a way to see God.  Instead of having a judging personality… God loves the babies but also the murderers the same.  In fact what if death is the realization we are God?  At this time he said well I don’t really agree with this statement.  That seems way too much like Christianity and I don’t agree with this.  He likes Christianity because they are trying to give a good sense of morality to people.  But in a sense he likes to view things scientifically and when we die we just don’t know.  I said… not knowing is a good place to start.  I didn’t continue the conversation.  I thought maybe it’s getting a bit heavy and a bit too much to discuss so I tried as smoothly to change the subject.  But in my mind I continue the conversation.  

I feel if he heard what I said… most Christians I know would think the statement I said would be almost blasphemous or heretical.  I’m not certain.. maybe he has more open-minded Christians he speaks with… so that’s great.  But many of the Christians I speak with seem to have a belief they are not worthy to be placed in an equal manner as Jesus let along God.  They are trying to be moral to gain worthiness into the gates in Heaven to meet and be in the presence of God.  To say when we die we become God… I don’t know of too many Christians who would agree to this.  And many would feel the same as his views of not being able to see God in what they consider evil acts.  I’m wondering when we meet again if this might be a conversation I might bring up.  I’d like to see what about Christianity he doesn’t agree with.  I know my opinion, but I wonder what his is.  By the way, I did get permission from him to discuss our experience together… but I wanted to get some things off my mind.  

I had babysat my cousin’s baby last week.  I thought I had written in the Journal about it, but I guess it’s been awhile since I’ve posted.  Any way it was a lot of fun and it’s getting me to wonder a different job potentially.  I had been looking into a company called Gymboree which teaches newborns to five year olds and their parents to play and learn together mostly through music and art.  I haven’t really taught this age group before and I feel I’d really enjoy it.  I believe there’s a position relatively close by that offers part-time opportunities.  I’m contemplating adding this along with the stage setup.  I’d really like to be able to have a better handle on my cravings for smoking.  I know I’d be able to not engage with it while I’m at work, but I also know the thoughts that arise when I’m resisting the urge.  I feel like I”m right there to be able to push myself to stop, but I’m also not trying to push myself too fast… I can feel my momentum shifting to being ready to be ready to not be a consistent smoker.  I’m getting there.  Well… that’s good for now… until next time.  

[withinUverse]

Ooohhh-weee!  Ok I’m excited… I was doing some online searching and I’m getting excited!  I found courses and clubs that I think are going to help me train for future projects I’m working towards.  So again I cannot seem to forget about my visions in the jungle so I find myself trying to figure out how to prepare for these expeditions.  So originally I’ve been looking into finding employment on a horse ranch so I can get experience on what it involves to caretake and ride horses.  But I also found there are packhorses for expeditions in the wilderness and there’s some employment opportunities usually for hunting excursions but there’s days-long to week-long camping trips using horses too.  Now, going through the employment side of things is tricky because… ding ding ding… I have no experience.  So it’s hard to get a response from the employers.  I thought well maybe I can ge a guest instead, but as a guest I wouldn’t necessarily be learning the skills I’m wanting to learn because everything will be catered to me as a guest as if it’s the easy way of exploring the wilderness.  But then I ran into National Outdoor Leadership School and then I saw there are courses that seems to be right up my alley.  Let’s see the language they used that caught my attention.  

 

 

“Vacations are great for a week or two. NOLS teaches real skills in wild places so you can adventure for a lifetime.”

“While learning to climb, sail, backpack, and more, you’re getting experience making decisions and mentorship from your instructors on managing risk with your group—meaning you’ll finish the course ready to lead friends and family on your own wilderness trips.”

“WE’RE MISSION-DRIVEN TO BE EDUCATORS, NOT GUIDES

That means you’re the one learning to set up your tent, cook full meals on a camp stove, and be a leader in your group. While your instructors will provide mentorship and support, by the end of your course, their goal is to be your sidekick rather than your boss.”

“CONNECT WITH OTHERS AND FULLY OWN YOUR EXPERIENCE

The benefits of a course like this go beyond paddling a kayak alongside ice-blue glaciers, or reading a map to navigate Alaska’s flower-studded valleys.

When you focus on learning, you gain trust in yourself, the communication skills to cultivate a group culture, and the confidence to take risks and attack challenges.”

• “Refining your personal leadership style
• Practicing Leave No Trace principles
• Connecting with and respecting local cultures
• Forming relationships with your peers
• Becoming a responsible, competent wilderness traveler

NOLS Adult Expeditions. https://www.nols.edu/en/adult-expeditions/. 28 August, 2023.

“DATA-DRIVEN CURRICULUM

The curriculum on your course has been tested in the wilderness and informed by the latest research and industry standards. 

Our staff are industry experts and experienced practitioners devoted to best practices.

• Curriculum for Expeditions
• Curriculum for Wilderness Medicine”

Why NOLS. https://www.nols.edu/en/professionals/why-nols/. 28 August, 2023. 

 

 

This is what I’m looking for!  The initial interest in is the Wilderness Horsepacking Expedition course.  I’m also interested in the Wilderness  Medicine curriculums. 

“GET CERTIFIED

Step forward on your next adventure with the preparation, confidence, and knowledge that comes with a wilderness medicine certification.

Wilderness First Aid

2-day course designed for outdoor recreationists like hikers, campers, and boaters to gain confidence in managing common injuries and illnesses in the outdoors.

Wilderness Advanced First Aid

4-day course designed for outdoor recreationists like hikers, campers, and boaters to gain confidence in managing common injuries and illnesses in the outdoors.

Wilderness First Responder

9- or 10-day course designed for outdoor professionals to respond to emergencies and make decisions in remote environments.

Hybrid Wilderness First Responder

3 modules of online learning and 5 days of in-person learning.

Wilderness EMT

1-month course offering EMT training and certification combined with skills for providing pre-hospital care in the wilderness.”

NOLS Wilderness Medicine Courses. https://www.nols.edu/en/wilderness-medicine/courses/. 28 August, 2023.

 

I’m not certain, but I might want to go all the way to the Wilderness EMT but definitely First Responder.  I know this would be geared to professionals but if there isn’t going to be a professional in our group then might as well get as much training as reasonably possible.  That also makes me want to say I’ve been looking into these courses to also train the group I’m going to be taking with me.  It’s nice to see there are options in Spanish-speaking locations as well.  I know at least there are going to be Peruvians joining me and I want them to be as prepared and confident as well.  

So lol… I didn’t look into courses at first I knew they were an option but I always seem to assume these courses would be out of my monetary range, but actually it doesn’t seem to be too bad.  The equipment doubles the cost, but I don’t see these costs as out of range.  And honestly this is the first website that I found and there are probably alternative schooling available that I’ll explore later.  

I was in the groove last night and so I started to see if there were any courses for scouting or cartography… actually I’ve looked into this a little without really finding any success of going several years to a school or something, but I did find “Orienteering” as  key word instead of scouting.  And there is actually Orienteering clubs and one that’s not far from where I am.  There seems to be several clubs throughout the country and possibly in other countries which is wonderful!  I went ahead and reached out to the local club and directed my inquiry to the Educational Director.  He quickly responded and we’ve started our conversation on how to begin this activity.  I thought this would be a great prerequisite before enrolling into a wilderness program.  I won’t feel so “newbie” if I can begin navigating and hopefully mapping unknown territory.  

Lol… of course when I get excited I want to talk about it and so of course I start telling my pops.  We laugh because he’s getting our routine down when I find things I’ve been looking for by switching up my approach from time to time.  I’m really excited to see what the educators of this club has to offer.  Again he’s been very responsive which is a wonderful sign.  Shoot I might start this week… yay!  Lol.. I don’t even have a compass yet but I think there are a few options to choose from so why don’t I get an experts advice on how to choose and just go from there.  Ok… I wanted to write this out for now… let’s see what comes up.. yay, until next time 

 

Edited August 28, 2023 by withinUverse
Accidentally posted early

[withinUverse]

So I have a little time before I head to work.  I met up with the educational director of the orienteering club this afternoon between my shifts.  I was really excited.  I knew we would be going over the basics but I have a feeling that this will lead to more of what I’m looking for.  I love maps and I’ve always been good at reading them so today’s task was relatively simple, but also because we didn’t go cross-country.  We pretty much followed the trails at the park we visited.  I hadn’t used a compass before so I thought that was cool and I’m going to be ordering an orienteering compass before I meet up with him again.  Near the end he was asking if I had any questions or any direction where I would like to continue the lessons.  I told him I was pretty open.  I know there’s this whole sport thing that is involved with orienteering so I don’t see why not trying to participate when I can.  I thought maybe I would be able to attend their next event which involves foot and boat navigation, but I saw that I was already signed up to work that day so unfortunately I will not to attend the next event, but they have a Halloween event going on in October that I’m sure I can work into my schedule.  He did mention one of the permanent courses that Indiana offers and I told him that I’m definitely interested.  He said it was an expert course so he didn’t recommend me going on my own, but he offered to take me… so I said yes right away.  He said that many he’s taught he just gets a hold of them and tells them that he’s heading to the forest and if we want to join him.  I said yes think of me when those opportunities comes up and is wanting to bring someone to teach.  So he got a better idea of my interest.  He also said if i was interested in how they create games in the forest that I could walk along and see the strategy of how it’s being created.  Obviously if I go to design the course or at least observe how the design is done that I wouldn’t be a participant.  Again when it comes to the sport version there are normally three classes from Class A where it’s more professional and strict rules and regulations to Class C where it’s more local and relaxed.  He said there were mostly two types of games played.  One is the point and the other score.  So with the point there are points on the map to go and claim that you were at that spot and then go to the next point.  I believe with this game there’s a designated sequence to follow.  With score games there’s a variety of points that are rated into difficulty or interest and we have a certain amount of time like 2 hours to get as many points and return before the time limit.  The other option was a route game, but he said no one plays this so he wasn’t really going to go into it.  I might ask him about it next time we’re out because we’ll have plenty of time to chat it up.  But yes I liked how simplified he made things.  Because I was able to try to use his vocabulary back to him while I was allowed to lead to the next point.  Again… I feel this will lead to more cross country which I feel I’m more interested in, but we’ll see how it will go.  There was some vocabulary that I hadn’t used before when describing the terrain, but I’m hoping to keep it in my head to remember.  I really liked when we were just sitting around and he started to mention how eventually when we look out on the terrain we’ll start to picture how that land would be mapped out and vice versa.  Three dimensional landscapes will start to shape in our mind when we look at a map.  I know exactly what he’s talking about when it comes to my history of drafting and drawing… being able to visual in 2D and 3D… I’d love to develop this skill when it comes to terrain.  Actually I might go ahead and check out compasses while I have it on my mind and allow time to deliver.  Honestly we didn’t use it often… just at the very start to orient ourselves and our map.  But again I’m hoping he’ll get me into more challenging situations where I’ll need it.  I’m really looking forward to where there aren’t really easy landmarks to tell exactly where we are on a map and able to figure it out.  I think that sounds really fun… hehe… ok

Just to mention I”m excited because when I returned to the drum troupe practice this past Tuesday they invited me to two events this week where we’re going to volunteer our time to play music for a cancer center on Tuesday… and I believe another hospital facility on Saturday.  So I’m excited to be a part of that.  I don’t know every part like they do but they’re confident how quickly I pick things up that they’re not worried having me as an addition to these events.  Ok… just wanted to release some energy I had.  

Oh just a side note I got to message the man in Australia… it’s his birthday and he’s now in his 40s… so I wanted to welcome him.  I didn’t really talk much as much as I want to, but just a little message makes my day as well.  It’s my buddy from Brazil’s birthday too and he’s celebrating in Italy… well in Venice right now and so I was able to message him and see how he’s doing.  Ok… until next time.  Have a good one 

[withinUverse]

I felt like writing a bit.  I’ve been really thinking about how to move forward to feel like I’m making forward progress.  I know that I needed this time to rest and clear up my mind but I also am ready to get going though too.  I just more aware how much I can get going and not take care of my wellness though too so I’m still a bit hesitant.  I’ve already mentioned that I’m not certain I’m wanting to spend another winter here in Indiana.  I’m thankful for what I’ve been experiencing here, but I also feel a bit stagnant.  So I’ve been looking for seasonal positions for the winter.  I’ve applied to a horse ranch, but I’ve been looking into other options since that position is a wait list and most likely unavailable.  But I did really like what I read and so I thought why not and reach out and apply.  I mentioned the NOLS wilderness classes and I noticed they are hiring for the winter as well so I went ahead and applied for the operations assistant.  I pretty much told them that I want to take classes with them but if I take classes then that might take a few years to start training in these areas, but if I can get chosen for a winter position then I can get start training in a few months.  I feel this would be a great fit for me in many ways.  I also wasn’t too late to apply… it looks like they are going to stop the application process mid-September.  They also have a kitchen staff position so I might go ahead and apply for that too just in case.  There are two other things I’m looking into is a volunteer or a work for stay opportunities in Patagonia.  The two I’m looking at are active in training volunteers on how to care and pack for horse trails in the mountains.  They range from a few hours to a few days… maybe opportunities to join weeks if I can learn how to ride efficiently enough by those journeys.  Even though these are not paid positions… I know I’ll feel really awesome again to start learning areas I’m wanting to learn.  But I’d have to save some money before I’d be able to make a trip down to Chile or Argentina.  I know I’ve been wanting to travel more in South America and riding in the Patagonia mountains on horseback sounds absolutely amazing.  These opportunities range from six weeks to three months… oh man… it’s going to be hard not to want to head to Buenas Aires to dance the tango… love, love, love… hehe… And hard not to want to go ahead and just head to Peru afterwards as well.  But anyway… it’s an option I’m considering.  So in case I’m unable to get a paid position in the two locations that I’m really wanting to get then I have been looking into alternative options similar to what I did in Grand Lake during the summer… anything to be able to save the money to do what I want to do… so I applied for a ski resort in Colorado as well.  I have only skied twice in this life and I know I’d enjoy actually getting an opportunity to learn how to ski on actual snow and possibly this powder that people talk about.  If I was a staff member I’d get free lessons, so that would be cool.  I’m also thinking I might just bite the bullet and work at a factory here in town for two months to help pay for traveling expenses and deposits for housing and to have a start to help the winter season to begin.  There’s a tomato factory here in my home town that’s almost taken over this small little town… I guess it wouldn’t be terrible to actually check out and participate in working here for a few months… I don’t know just to say I did it.  But honestly it’s the highest paying positions I’d be able to find working full-time around this area.  I know I mentioned about the Gymboree with the kiddos but I’m questioning whether the vehicles I have to use during the winter season and just driving so far each day.  And I’ll probably change my mind but I’m trying to get some of my thoughts out.  

I’m starting to feel more human lately and I’m also feeling like moving forward and I’ve gotten quite a bit of down time… shoot I didn’t know it would take this long to process this Awakening and I’m thankful I took this time, but I also want to get the show running.  As much as I want to jump the gun… I also know it’s not wise to do this… I know things are aligning and so I’m trying to balance patience and waiting for opportunities and seeing what will work out.  I feel like I’m ready for certain opportunities but Reality will help put my perspective into a better understanding when I see what actually aligns.  So I’m open to see what opportunities will arise.  I have been really enjoying playing the drums with the drum troupe.  They are really interesting crew and are involved in many cool things and it’s hard for me to not want to participate.  But I also know that I don’t want to get too involved because I know I want to be open to take advantage of opportunities I’m looking for though.  It’s been really nice to find this group.  I just found out there name the other week and I love it… it has the word Shaman in it and so I was pleasantly surprised.  It’s actually quite fitting… hehe.  The last practice the group leader kind tried to push me a little more and challenged me to hear the different rhythms that was playing… he had me playing a simple rhythm but I had to play at specific times with each one.  Then he got me to do some speedy drumming… lol.. I don’t know the term, but it’s common for people to do this when they are doing solos.  They ask me if I want to and I have not said yes yet… but with what he was doing I could see he was trying to get me more comfortable playing the drum in different ways.  I’m really good at watching and listening and then aping it back.  I’d like to build up the confidence to do a solo but I also want to feel a little more comfortable with the movement and rhythms… I’m getting a hell of a lot more confident already… I’m loving it.  That’s another thing if I do more of a full-time position I want to make sure I can still make my practices on Tuesdays.  I’d like to buy a drum before I head out as well.  

I was glancing back up briefly to my recent posts.  I don’t think I mentioned the disc golf tournament last Sunday.  If I did, I apologize, but it was a lot of fun.  I finished last in my category which was expected… hehe but it was really a social/ networking opportunity for me anyway.  I hadn’t even kept score before so I now know that my average is throwing a boogie over par for the round.  Plus I appreciate the guys who’ve helped me get started and I wanted to contribute back to the club in some way.  Plus I’ve got a disc now that’s from my hometown course which I wanted.  I ran into some interesting ladies.  One lady who is learning how to forage and create tinctures also has approached personal development in ways that I found helpful as well.  We exchanged information so hopefully we’ll get a chance to meetup and get to know each other a bit more and able to have interesting conversations.  I’ve scheduled my next orienteering training at a state forest on the 24th.  This is supposed to be expert level orienteering opportunities… so I’m hoping my teacher will step up the challenge.  I’m definitely looking forward to it.  If we end up staying on trails, I’ll still be able to enjoy myself.  I’m thinking of possibly camping that night as well… we’ll see when the time comes.  I’m going to keep September open to continue to see what options I find before committing to taking a full-time position right now.  Ok… I’ll finish it here… oh wait.  

I just want to mention I overheard an interesting comment when I was walking my regular route through the park one day.  There was a group of maybe four people walking and one of them said that we are all vessels of God.  They were walking behind me a ways but I wasn’t expecting the hear this comment.  And I continued on thinking I can get a bit more context on what was being said.  I guess I’m not at the point to approach them and say I’ve overheard your conversation can I join in… hehe… but I again I just continued walking and I thought I might have overheard them making comments about me moving quickly through the park.  They might have not been talking to me at all but it seemed like it.  I have to admit that I had taken a hit of marijuana without wanting to.  I wasn’t thinking I was talking to some of my buddies and they usually roll their own tobacco and so I just assumed that’s what they were smoking but when I took a hit I was like shit… this isn’t tobacco.  So any way I wanted to walk it off a bit and so maybe I was being a bit paranoid with overthinking their comment.  So I decided to go ahead and sit at the shelter house at the park and people watch.  I also was seeing if this group would allow an opportunity for me to strike up a conversation with them or not.  One of my buddies ended up finding me there and talking to me so I didn’t get a chance.  But that’s just one other reason why I’m not really enjoying spending so much time with these buddies.  They participate in activities that I’m not wanting to participate in let alone the conversations that end up arising about recreational use of drugs and psychedelics.  Anyway… I keep thinking about that comment I heard and wonder if there would be another opportunity to run into that group again.  Possibly?  Who knows.  Ok that’s where I’ll finish, until next time 

[withinUverse]

Alright… so I thought I could write a bit.  I wanted to say about the wonderful drum sessions I had this weekend but I did just run into a situation where I found myself a bit frustrated and so I guess I should explore this more.  There was an older gentleman who invited me to one of these drum circles and there were two other events going on in Indy which was going to be between my break at work so I thought why not.  After my first shift I felt good and once I went to the first event, the festival of faiths.  This same gentleman told me about the event and he implied that is was going to be an Asian Indian event.  I wasn’t sure but I told him I was just looking up some different Indian restaurants to go eat lunch.  So sweet I’ll be able to find a vendor at the festival.  Well I didn’t find a vendor but there did happen to be a drum circle to start the festival off… which was unexpected and very fun.  So there were several booths of different religions who are all trying to share their views and open to others views.  So I enjoyed this setting.  When it came to the drum circle all the different religions brought a few of their members and the guests who are visiting all sat around in a circle with two rows of drums.  There were all different levels and most were beginners.  I love that they still wanted to join and they were smiling as they were participating.  There were two leaders and the man was the one who was creating the heartbeat of the rhythm.  The one was the one who was creating the fun by stopping us and getting us involved in different ways… and we’d all say 1..2..3… let’s get back to the groove… and I cannot explain with any degree of justice but it was a great event and I really appreciated their approach.  Everyone left with smiles and I thought it was all quite brilliant.  There’s another drum circle that is involved with a university that involves drumming, dancing, and sometimes singing.  There was a large group there which was great because there were many cultures that were being introduced that aren’t necessarily being represented usually.  So we had African, Puerto Rico, Japan, American Indian, and Middle Eastern cultures being taught.  It was really fun.  Usually it’s only an hour long but we ended up going for two hours.  There are students who take this course for an extra curricular activity and there were around eight new students… and I could see they were really enjoying themselves.  Which of course is wonderful and they were willing to participate which again isn’t always the case.  I ended up going to Canal to visit with the gentleman who invited me and I brought some of the other crew from the university to join us at the canal.  And I was drumming with several new people.  This was more of a freestyle situation.  I found that when I was playing this day that I felt a bit more comfortable then when I used to attend years ago.  Practicing and learning from the drum troupe has really given me more confidence and I can feel myself more comfortable to try things out during these freestyle sessions.  I assumed this would be the case, but I actually experienced the difference and it was a pleasant surprise.  So… the gentleman who invited me turned 80 this year.  He’s in good health and I enjoy his company but he wanted me to come to his house to chat the following day.  I told him that I’ve been very extroverted during this weekend so I’d prefer to just stay at home tomorrow but let’s chat online and see where it goes.  

So Monday we had a brief conversation… and then yesterday he said that he just wants to get to know the real me.  And that he doesn’t even know much…. He said that once i mentioned Aya to him years ago… it was just apparent to him that he liked me without really knowing me.  So he wanted me to talk to him in person for a day.  He knows that I don’t visit Indy as often right now because of gas prices and I like to make a day full of events to make the trip for me.  I said if he continues to do the drum circles at the canal then that makes at least two drumming events and for me that makes it worth it for me to come to Indy for Sundays… cannot guarantee that I’ll come every time but it’s highly likely if I’m feeling up for it and I don’t have any other obligations.  But what he doesn’t realize also is I want to see where he’s at… so I figured why can we not go ahead and have a conversation online or over a video chat… things like this before coming to his place for the entire day.  He offered me gas money to do this… and I thanked him but let’s start here and see where it leads.  He’s been sending me videos lately and 99% of the time I’m not watching these videos.  Lol… mostly because there’s no conversation beforehand to why this video will be exciting to watch.  Is there going to be a conversation afterwards?  What I assume is people are bored and find something they find interesting and want to share.  I understand this but that’s what I would consider as good content to place on their social media because there friends have an opportunity to engage with the video if they find it interesting as well.  When they send it directly to my messages then I’m assuming this is something of importance to engage together with.  Well this isn’t the case.  I feel like I’ve already spoke about this but darn it I still have to handle these situations.  And I’m getting better at clearly letting people know how I feel when this happens in our relationship.  So this gentleman finally started texting questions that he was wanting to get deep into conversation with what’s being contemplated in his mind.  I thanked him for taking the time to express some real thought in an engaging conversation instead of just sending me videos and memes to my attention.  I haven’t actually asked his permission to discuss what we were talking about so I won’t go into detail.  I’m still a bit hesitant to discuss anything about this because I haven’t gotten his permission but I felt that I would just be very vague.  If we continue to have any deep conversations then I’ll ask him permission… after our conversation today I’m uncertain if it will continue at all anyway… hehe… geesh I got frustrated with him.  I didn’t go overboard but I was being blunt and tried to get him to understand a different way to approach conversations with me.  So I spoke with him a lot yesterday.  He was using two different accounts and was messaging me with both accounts.  I finally asked him which one of these accounts does he want me to engage with.  I’ll go ahead and remove the other account.  I don’t need two accounts to have discussions with him.  He was avoiding me question for awhile and finally I said that many people are scattered and I have enough issues myself at being scattered so to help myself out.  I’m going to go ahead and choose one and then I’ll remove the other.  So he said that would be fine.  

When I woke up I got a message from him… he was excited about something and wanted me to get a hold of him as soon as I could.  Well at that moment I didn’t want to talk… I wanted to do my yoga and I also wanted to do a round of disc golf before I reached out.  I went ahead and did a video chat.  So we’re saying our hellos and he starts going into wanting to send me a video that gave him a different perspective and connected dots for him.  He wanted to send me the video to watch.  Well I said… well before you send it can you please let me know what about the video is exciting you.  Well his response were giving a bit of red flags.  When he was describing the person who is talking he said he wasn’t fully sure to trust the gentleman.. which I understand but in another sense then why would this be a guy you want to share with me.  I asked what part of the content did he get a realization about… and when he was describing it… he wasn’t able to make a clear statement.  Again he seemed scattered in his thoughts.  So I was telling him… I thought you were excited to have a conversation with me about something.  It looks like you haven’t taken the time to actually think through what you want to have a conversation about.  He was telling me that there’s one way that I know how to have a conversation and he has a different interpretation of what a conversation is.  I said well I assumed when you wanted to have a conversation we’d be talking about something you’re excited about and then I’d response and then we’d feed off each other to have a conversation.  I assumed that’s what you thought a conversation is as well.  But when I got a hold of you what you wanted to do is give me a video for me to watch and then we’d have a conversation afterwards.  I didn’t realize this is what he wanted.  He said he wasn’t really wanting to talk about his thoughts about the video… he’d just like to talk about the video itself.  I was chuckling inside because this is exactly what I don’t want to do.  But I told him… he wants us to have a conversation about the theory we’re hearing from a man on a video.  That could be fun but is there something about the video that we’ve shared in our own direct experience where we can engage in conversation without theorizing about theory of someone else’s experience?  He didn’t really know how to respond to me and the way I was responding to this whole conversation.  I could tell at many times he just wanted to shut down and not talk and just hang up.  I could see this and I would say this is a good time to talk things out.  Figure out how to get on the same page.  I felt a little bad because I could see his image of me was shattering right in front of me.  Yesterday he was sending a song… I guess my song where he could get as much as me and continue to get more… well… at this moment he could see that maybe he actually couldn’t take all of me at all… hehe.  

I had to admit to my dad that I was frustrated.  Shoot I even went and bought some tobacco because I was welling up.  He chuckled at me and said that I seemed to be able to resolve it by the end of the conversation.  I said I did, but I’m frustrated that I had to go through that whole rollercoaster.  It is what it is at this time, but maybe it wasn’t really only about the conversation with the gentleman.  There were a few others things that were rubbing me the wrong way and because I wasn’t expressing this then it was easier for me to take it out on him.  Again I didn’t yell or get overboard, but I also feel I could’ve approached it differently.  

My girlfriend who I’ve been working with for awhile with has been bugging me a bit.  She’s the one who had ceremony with me and said that she received a message that she needs to learn how to love herself.  And to focus on herself and she doesn’t really know where to begin.  I told her I didn’t have the answers that’s something for her to find, but I can give here some new things to try to see if any techniques I’ve tried would help her.  She’s also having issues with her knee and her doctors have been telling her she needs to change her diet habits and working on building muscle.  I’ve already been trying to get her to walk with me.  She said she wants to go to the gym but hasn’t done this yet.  I’m not much of a gym person myself so I haven’t been active at getting her to the gym but trying alternatives.  I had ordered an ashtanga yoga manual that I used to have but got water damage so I ordered a new one.  I asked her if she would like to give yoga a try.  It will still build muscle but flexibility and ultimately connection with her being.  She said she wanted to and I’ve attempted a few times to do this.  Yesterday she said she was going to visit her dad and she’ll get a hold of me when she gets back.  Well I haven’t heard back from her still.  I’m the one who has to reach out to have a conversation together and it’s getting a bit tiring.  It’s not like I have sleepless nights over this but the more and more it adds up the more I’m like… why am I trying when it’s obvious it’s not time for her to be ready.  She was telling me that she wants to share another ceremony with me again.  I said your ready.. eh?  Well let’s see what happens.  It’s easy to have ceremony with her but another part of me is like… shoot we had a great ceremony last time… but with her message I’ve been trying to see how she’s going to take the first step towards her message.  I haven’t been able to hear anything… is she thinking that another ceremony will give her a direct message as to what she needs to do?  Maybe it will but maybe it won’t.  I know through my experience many times I just need to start or attempt things I’m drawn to… see if it works for me or not.  Just as an example I’ve been loving all this drumming and there was a Middle Eastern belly dancer and drummer at the event and I’ve met her a few times and I’ve really enjoyed what she shares and I’m interested in learning more.  She actually had this really small drum she was drumming and she was showing us how to dance and drum at the same time which really attracted me.  So I found her on FB and asked her how I could learn more.  She gave me her number… oh yeah I went ahead and ordered a SIM card to get service for a few months… mostly so any of these applications I’ve been sending out for the winter that they can actually get a hold of me more conveniently for them.  But I don’t know if I’m going to enjoy this… well I’m pretty sure I will but I’m going to give it a try… for some reason I feel like connecting with this woman more.  I’m trying to give my girlfriend opportunities to get out of her house so she can be introduced to things that might give her this feeling… something to explore that might bring her fulfillment.  

I don’t know maybe I”m just coming up with more excuses why I feel I’m wearing my time here in Indiana out.  There was something else that pushed my button that I was dealing with before I chatted with my older gentleman I was getting frustrated with.  It was a family thing… again I haven’t gotten any permissions about this but let’s just say it been going on for awhile now and it was just rubbing me wrong.  I feel like I want to do something about it… but I also know that I can be patient as well and wait for a better time to direct my feelings constructively.  The last time we were addressing this I was to wait for them to be ready to have a deep conversation.  My dad has also tried to help nudge my family members to talk about it but they aren’t ready.  So patience is where I’ll be.

So I have to ask myself why am I frustrated?  Am I frustrated with scattered-ness because I’m frustrated of not having as much clarity as I hope.  Am I noticing others scatteredness to see I might be blind to my tendencies of being scattered.  Am I frustrated with people not wanting to take steps towards messages received in ceremony because i feel like i”m not gaining any ground in my messages?  And I frustrated with people who aren’t ready to communicate because I myself aren’t ready either?  Geesh it feels like I’m more aware of these qualities I have but I have been making attempts to transform these qualities.  Just because I’ve been making efforts why am I getting frustrated… it’s not so simple.  Why am I enjoying being introverted more than being social?  I mean I enjoy social activities but I find I have to make sure I schedule to take days away and by myself to be able to do more social activities.  Ok ok… this isn’t going anywhere at this time.  I want to grab some dinner and make more time to start up my ashtanga a little more.  I really enjoy the connection between the breath and movement.  It feels so freaking good.  But I’ve noticed how out of practice I am and I’m excited to get back into the flow of this in my life.  Ok… until next time. 

[withinUverse]

Alright… I just wanted to come and write about about how I see why I haven’t been teaching the ashtanga yoga to my lady friend.  As I am introducing yoga back into my life experience I start to remember the sequences I had used and it seems like I’m ready to go deeper into these practices.  Again I found myself working on things so I can share it with her, but then realized that there is a desire to teach it to myself on a deeper level as well.  I can explain when it comes to the practice.  Ashtanga has many asanas and are connected to our breathing.  I remember how much I enjoy doing this.  When I was being taught Ashtanga in a group I remember that the breathing and movement were faster than I would have originally liked.  I felt like I wanted to go slower so I could breath fuller using breath that is closer to yogic breath.  Ujjayi is actually asked to be used during Ashtanga practice.  

“Ujjayi is a specialized breathing technique which means victorious.  This unique form of breathing is performed by creating a soft sound in the back of the throat while inhaling and exhaling through the nose.  It is helpful to gently smile while breathing to allow the air to swirl around the back of the throat before continuing its journey to the lungs.  The swirling action is what creates the uniques sound which has been described as wind in the trees, a distant ocean, a cobra snake or, for the less poetic, Darth Vader from “Star Wars”.  

Swenson, David.  “Ashtanga Yoga: ‘The Practice Manual’ An Illustrated Guide to Personal Practice.  The Primary and Intermediate Series plus Three Short Forms.  Ashtanga Yoga Productions.  Austin, Texas.  1999.  (Pg 8).

The main idea is to create a rhythm in the breath and ride it gracefully through the practice.  This sound becomes a mantra to set the mind in focus.  We must learn to listen to the breath.  It is the guide which will tell us the quality of our practice.  If we apply too much effort, the breath will become constricted or forced.  With too little focus, the Ujjayi breath may be drowned out by the sound of our own thoughts.  Maintain awareness upon your breath and every moment becomes a meditation.  (Pg. 8)

Vinyasa “The marriage of Breath and Movement”. Vinyasa is the unique linking of one asana to the next in a serpentine flow.  It is mare than a simple set of physical maneuvers.  It is a dynamic marriage of our internal and external worlds.  Vinyasa is an outward expression of the subtle movement of life force.  It is a manifestation of Praha.  Vinyasa orchestrates balance.  A balance of strength and flexibility, lightness and heaviness, movement and stillness.  Through vinyasa one may know the vibration of life.  This integration manifests when the act of breathing and movement cease to be separate entities.  The two actions converge to creat a symphony of seamless unity.  Each action encourages the other.  They exist as one.  The mind is then set free and the practice may become a rhythmic dance. (Pg. 11) 

Surya Namaskara Surya = Sun Namaskara = Greeting or Salutation “Sun Salutation”. The Foundation.  Surya means the sun and Namaskara is a greeting of honor and respect to the divinity present in each of us.  The entire foundation of Ashtanga Yoga is based upon the dynamic flow of Surya Namaskara A and B.  Surya Namaskara is the birth of your practice.  It is here that we may set the rhythm and mood for each session of yoga.  The entire series, whether it be Primary, Intermediate or Advanced, is an extension and refinement of the movement learned in the sun salutations.  This dynamic marriage of breath and movement into a serpentine flow is what sets this system of yoga apart from other methods.  It does not mean that one system is better than the other, it is simply that there are many approaches to achieve a similar goal.  Feel the relationship between movement and breath when practicing Surya Nmaskara or the vinyasa sequence.  Weaving these two actions together creates a tapestry of grace and stability both physically as well as within the subtle reals of our consciousness.  Find the rhythm in your breath and allow your body to respond to it.  Feel the inhales lift the body into the Upward Dog and the exhales propel the body into Downward Dog.  Identify breath as the source of movement and the very coree of our existence.  Ride it as you would a wave in the ocean or respond to it the way your body responds to music.  Use only the energy required to get you from point A to point B.  Relax areas that are not required to be engaged.  Feel the air move across your body as you move through space.  Be free.  Be light.  Be joyful in the experience and expression of your personal practice.  (Pg. 15)

I’ll insert attachments of Surya Namaskara A and B if anyone is curious to begin a practice of Ashtanga Yoga.  I remember this is why Ashtanga spoke to me when I was introduced because Surya Namaskara from my other manual drew my attention  and I was practicing Surya Namaskara already on the daily and Ashtanga yoga continued with much more elaboration on asanas to continue.  These Ashtanga have slight differences to them I noticed and I enjoy all the variations that I’ve been introduced to thus far.  

Surya Namaskara is a dynamic exercise.  It is neither an asana nor a part of traditional yoga.  But because it is such a wonderful practice we have incorporated it into the yoga techniques that we teach.  We always recommend practitioners to include it as an essential and integral part of their yoga program.  It revitalizes the whole body, removes all signs of sleep and is excellent for preparing the body and mind so that maximum benefits can be derived from the subsequent asanas, pranayama, meditation practices and so on… In short, it harmonizes the whole body-mind complex… it can be practiced at almost any time of the day and in any place.  No special preparations are necessary.

Saraswati.  Swami Satyananda.  “A Systematic Course in the Ancient Tantric Techniques of Yoga and Kriya”.  Yoga Publications Trust, Munger, Bihar, India.  2013. Pg. 133.

Symbolic and spiritual significance:  The sun has been adored since time immemorial.  The ancient people worshipped the sun with awe, knowing that the sun generates the heat and light necessary to sustain life.  They knew that without it there would be no life and no movement.  If the sun ceased to exist then life would be snuffed out like a flame of a candle. (Pg. 133)

Let us consider the Hindu trinity - Brahma the creator, Vishnu the sustainer and Shiva the destroyer.  These symbolize three aspects of life and directly related to the daily movement of the sun.  The passage of the sun can be divided into three phases - the rising, the midday and the setting phase.  In time these came to represent the three aspects of life - growth or creation, sustenance or maturity and death, destruction or decay.  Thus evolved Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva. Brahma, the creator, is symbolized by the dawn, the creator, is symbolized by the dawn, the time when things come alive and the daytime cycle starts again.  Vishnu the sustainer, is symbolized by the daytime sun which radiates energy into the world allowing things to grow and live.  Shiva, the destroyer, is symbolized by the setting sun, which takes with it the energy vibration of the sun.  Yet this disappearance of the sun is only a prelude to its resurrection the following morning.  Sunset is necessary for growth, replenishment and rejuvenation, in the same way as destruction of previous concepts is neccessary for spiritual growth.  (Pg. 133-134)

The sun was not only worshipped because of its material nature and power, though it might well have been by less informed persons.  The sun itself is a symbol.  It symbolizes spiritual illumination and knowledge, the light in the darkness of ignorance.  It represents the essence, the spirituality which exists in all material things.  It is the essence which is worshipped by the more enlightened people of the ancient cults and religions.  The material sun is the manifestation of the deeper, hidden background of substratum… The spiritual sun represents the spiritual aspects of existence, and from it the material sun of material aspects of life is derived.  Therefore, it is the spiritual sun that is regarded as the source of power and inner light but because the material sun can be seen by all, it is this aspect that is seemingly worshipped…. Many people still worship the sun in one form or another.  You can treat Surya Namaskara as an expression of your regard for the sun, whether it is the material aspect or that underlying spiritual aspect that the material sun symbolizes.  Or, if you are not inclined to worship, then do Surya Namaskara for the sake of maintains and inducing good health.  This is the stepping stone to spiritual awareness and peace.  (Pg. 134) 

In this manual Surya Namaskara has Asanas, Vinyasa (breath connected to movement), Awareness, and Relaxation like the Ashtanga manual but they also include Mantras.

A mantra is a combination of syllables, sounds or phrases, realized by ancient sages which have been widely known in India for thousands of years.  They are evocative sounds and through their power of vibration have subtle, yet powerful and penetrating effects on the mind and body.  While doing Surya Namaskara, a particular mantra is repeated either silently or uttered aloud with with each position.  When Surya Namaskara is combined with correct breathing and these bija mantras (seed sounds), the entire mind and intellect are energized.  These bija mantras create a vibration and it is this which creates the energy.  Mantras may or may not have specific meanings, but the vibrations which they create should reach every fiber of one’s being.  The mantras of Surya Namaskara are energized sound.  When repeated loudly, clearly and with devotion, these mantras give the greatest possible benefits to those who utter them, either in hastening the curing of an ailment, acquiring stability of mind and self-control, or dissolving tensions caused by modern living.  The bija or see mantras are: 1. Om hram 2. Om hrim 3. Om hrum 4. Om hraim 5. Om hraum 6. Om hrah.  The full mantras, one for each movement of the exercise are:  1. Om Hram Mitraya Namah (friend) 2. Om Hrim Ravaye Namah (shining) 3. Om Hrum Suryaya Namah (beautiful light) 4. Om Hraim Bhanave Namah (brilliant) 5. Om Hraum Khagaya Namah (who moves in the sky) 6. Om Hrah Pushne Namah (giver of strength) 7. Om Hrama Hiranyagarbhaya Namah (golden centered) 8. Om Hrim Marichaye Namah (lord of the dawn) 9. Om Hrum Adityaya Namah (son of Aditi) 10. Om Hraim Savitre Namah (beneficent) 11. Om Hraum Arkaya Namah (energy) 12. Om Hrah Bhaskaraya Namah (leading to enlightenment) However, before you attempt to integrate these mantras with each position we strongly advise that you first perfect the physical movement and synchronization of breath in surya Namaskara to gain the maximum benefits.  

Sequence for learning Surya Namaskara:  You should first familiarize yourself with the twelve postures.  In the initial stage only be concerned with mastering the sequence of the physical movements, paying little or no heed to the breathing or mantra repetition.  Eventually you will find that all the movements are performed automatically; little or no conscious thought or direction is required.  At this stage the movements have been programmed into the mind. Awareness of the physical movement is very important.  After this has been mastered ensure that the breath is correctly synchronized with the movement.  Awareness should be on both the physical movement and the breathing.  Later the mantras can be learnt and synchronized with each position.  In the final stage the awareness should be directed as much as possible on the movement, breathing and mantra repetition.  In its final form, Surya Namaskara consists of these different aspects welded together to give an integrated whole.  Therefore, to make sure that the final practice is correct it is essential to master this technique in the process I’ve manner described.  (Pg. 134-135) 

I’ll attach the Surya Namaskara from this manual which will give three approaches one can include into their yoga practice is so desired.  

 

Lol… it’s funny I didn’t think I was going to get into this much detail when I began to write in the journal.  I’ve actually been finding more benefits in the closing of the practice which is Yoga Nidra.  That’s where I’ve been seeing some changes in my practice.  So far I have mostly been doing the Surya Namaskara A and B… but when I’m doing these I remember my original Surya Namaskara which is the third one I introduced and I’m going to start adding this back into the beginning of my practice.  I did a little with mantras before but I feel I could be ready to include them in more consciously and with more practice.  That’s what I’m seeing is that I seem to be ready to go deeper into the practices.  So I haven’t really gone into the Ashtanga Yoga sequences yet.  Surya Namaskara is actually supposed to prep the body before going into the beginning Ashtanga sequence.  I introduced the standing sequence once so far.  I try to go slowly and not to push things too quickly when I’m bringing a practice into my life experience.  Yoga has been very fulfilling for me in the past and it is doing the same for me now but I have noticed once I get into a space that I share with others that I tend to not continue my practice for some reason.  I’m doing my practice in the bedroom I’m in at my dad’s place and he’s tried to talk to me while I was in practice.  He seemed to want to apologize for disturbing my practice but I just continued and try to answer him to the best of my abilities.  Once I finished I came and talked to him with my attention given to him only instead of my main focus during practice to my practice.  Since it’s been awhile since I’ve done any asana sequences Surya Namaskara has been the sequence and afterwards I go into Yoga Nidra.  When I was wanting to share this with my girl friend I knew I was going to have to create a sound clip for us to use and for her to use when I’m not around.  So I’ve been creating different versions.  I’ve been writing out what I want to say to guide through the practice of yoga nidra.  Then I record and try to go slow for the pace of guidance.  But then I have to practice it myself using the recordings and then during the practice I find I want to change up the pace and also adjust the words.  Also different things come up to my memory which I want to incorporate.  I have done a smaller version about 20 minutes long.  Then I have a longer version about 40 minutes long.  I’ve done the longer version a few times now and I know that I’m wanting to do a version specifically for myself that will be even longer and geared for my development and not have to think about what needs to be included for anyone else who might listen.  So I’ll continue to work on that later today.  I hope I’ll be recording it tonight.  Many times I’ve been working on this at night and I can hear the cicadas buzzing in the night and I really love that… so I want to go outside to record my session to have that in the background.  I think I’ll go ahead and finish my recording before I start laying out the details about yoga nidra.  If anyone wants to start the Surya Namaskara before my next entry in the Journal then I would just recommend after the rounds of Surya Namaskara whether its any or all of the different Surya Namaskara allow time to rest in Shavasana or the corpse pose.  Lay flat with the arms relaxed to the side and palms facing up and legs straight and slightly apart.  At this stage just lay down and rest until sufficient amount of time to unwind from the movement we did during Surya Namaskara.  Many people enjoy exercise and forget the importance of rest afterwards.  The resting period for me seems to almost triple in the amount of time it took to exert energy during the exercise.  So lie in Shavasana as long as time permits and hopefully there isn’t any urgent situation so we can really relax as much as we want.  Ok… this is a good time to pause and until next time… I hope someone enjoys the practice.  

Surya Namaskara - Tantra Techniques.pdf

Surya Namaskara - Ashtanga A and B .pdf

Edited September 18, 2023 by withinUverse
Inserted pdf files of Surya Namaskara

[withinUverse]

Alright… so to continue from the last entry… I did made the longer recording of the yoga nidra.  I’ve been using it and I enjoy it.  I’ll go ahead and try to download the short, medium and longer version in case anyone wants to participate.  I’m still mostly doing Surya Namaskara and yoga nidra… I haven’t gotten into the continuance of ashtanga yoga.  So when I start to proceed on I’ll probably start sharing this in case again someone wants to begin this as practice too.  

I’ve been looking into winter positions and I ran across another promising position as a wilderness therapy mentor.  They’ve been actually having back and forth conversations so I’m pretty confident they will give me a chance.  But honestly I don’t know if I’m as prepared as I can be to apply.  They have a training course that starts around the 11th of October and I’d have to relocate to Utah.  I don’t have the funds saved up to relocate at this time but the next session will be in January.  So that give me a few months to save up.  I’ve been doing some gigs near Indy and I’ve been spending about a hundred dollars a week in travel expenses… maybe not quite that much but $80+… So I’m not working full time so that’s definitely been taking a huge chunk of what I’m making along with a bit of groceries.  So I’ve mentioned the position in my hometown… I’m not sure if I’ll go this week, but most likely I’ll give it a go starting in October (so next week).  I’m dragging my feet just a little bit because it’s a full time position… but I’ve got a direction I’m starting to put together and this will help motivate me.  But I’m always looking for opportunities to arise that may align better with me.  

This last position working at the local concert music center is ending this Friday.  Last week we did the FarmAid event and I helped setup the three days before the show on Saturday.  They were scheduled for 14 to 15 hours a day… that wasn’t the case which I was thankful for.  But there were some interesting conversations that I shared in.  Mostly when it comes to Ayahuasca and DMT.  I’m not sure but there seemed to be some conversations that I wasn’t a part of that ended up getting me involved to further explain… or at least to let me know that they’d like to take some time in the near future to discuss.  It’s a bit odd but our last show is supposed to be this Friday like I said, but I haven’t heard back from the owner to have me be a part of the show.  I figured I’d get one more day to exchange contact information with some of the peeps that shared in interesting conversations.  I did get some friend requests which led to other profiles so I guess there’s still ways to be able to keep in contact with some of these people.  I figured the owner was a little bothered that I didn’t participate in the actual show date on Saturday.  I said I could do part of the day but I wouldn’t be available for the load out which is what they needed help with.  Unfortunately I have side activities that are more important to me than the money I’ll be receiving.  That money won’t replace the enjoyment of the experience I will have… and did have.  I had a dinner at a retreat where our drum troupe performed with the group which was female drummers.  It was wonderful!  It was the biggest drum circle that I’ve been a part of as well.  Close to 35 drummers and some where dancers so when there was a free style sessions… I got to get up and dance with them too.  I loved it and ended the night with a bonfire and even picked out three pears from the tree to snack on… hehe… yes wonderful people… wonderful event and I’m glad I was a part of it.  Also the following morning I already planned my next orienteering training about two hours south of my location.  If I was to work I wouldn’t have been getting off until 4am and I needed to leave between 8-8:30am to make the meeting at the M-M State Forest.  So another reason I didn’t want to take that shift.  Hehe…. It’s a bit odd but when I speak to the owner most of the time it’s very laid back and it’s presented that it’s ok if I don’t want to work shifts… that’s kind of the whole thing that I liked about the position.  It wasn’t a requirement.  But it seems when I did say no then there were repercussions.  Which isn’t a big deal but I didn’t think it would be a problem.  I was supposed to be getting corporate gigs outside of the concert venue.  The first time they asked me was two days before the event and I already had arrangements to go camping at the sand dunes along Lake Michigan with a buddy and so I apologized that I was unable to with such short notice… but I emphasized that I’m interested.  I haven’t been asked back to a corporate event.  They asked me to buy clothing for these events, which I did… good thing I’m good at thrifting because I didn’t spend much money on it.  But still I thought I’d have more opportunities.  And I guess since I didn’t work that night shift I’m not even being asked to return for the last shift?  Well again… I’ve seen how to get a hold of most of the people who are sticking out in my mind that I’d like to keep in contact with from my co-workers and bosses.  

This has been a good stepping stone for me.  I wanted to test out how well I’d respond in working mode again.  I didn’t want to rush into a 40+ hour work load, because when I was trying to go back into this style when I returned I wasn’t lasting long.  I needed time to integrate.  I felt like I was ready to get back into it again but I wanted to move slowly and check how I feel… and now I’m thinking I can possibly go ahead and step into a 40 hour work week again.  I’m hoping to save on money on gas by staying in town.  But also for this wilderness therapy mentor position not only am I not prepared financially yet but also most likely physically.  I’ve been doing a lot of walking and I can hike quite a bit, but none of this is done with equipment.  I take my little buddy Elvee with me sometimes but even then I’m adjusting the backpack so he sits a little more comfortably to be able to carry him in the front.  When I went to the State Forest… on the map we did 2 miles but it was a little longer because we weren’t walking on paths and on a straight line.  I had a little backpack which had a two liter water pack, fruits and nuts for snacks, and then a set of shoes.  I found pretty much a brand new pair of hiking boots at a second hand store and they weren’t broken in yet.  So I thought maybe I should take an extra pair of comfy shoes in case these boots started to hurt my feet.  Anywho… I didn’t have much weight on me but after the two hours I could feel the difference it took on my body.  It wasn’t crazy unbearable or painful or anything… just more sensitive of how much more work it took then just taking myself.  So as I’m talking to this new position things pop for my mind to consider, right? 

Well… let’s go over the position a bit more in detail.  There are things I like about it and some things I’m a bit concerned about.  I think it would be wise to take a deeper look into this… I’ve been applying for a few positions but this is the first one that’s been having dialogue back and forth which is definitely a positive.  

PROS:  

1. Training will be provided to get certified in basic CPR/ First Aid and also Wilderness First Response Certificate which I’ve already been lookin into.  The alternative is to pay for a course.  So… what might be a con is this position wants a year commitment.  That wasn’t really what I wanted originally but I also thought that the year experience might be beneficial.  

           A. The courses I would take is first a 2 day course, then a 4 day course, and finally a 10 day course.  Because it’s a course it would solely be focusing on wilderness medicine so it would be jammed pack with this for about a two week period.  We will also receive handouts, guide books, and handbooks by taking their course which I feel would be of value.  The cost for the three courses would be around $1200 which isn’t bad, but these courses are in different states and countries.  So there’s going to be these costs to consider.  There’s a Wilderness First Response course in Nepal that looks really interesting to me and I can go ahead and start getting a feel for the area.  

           B. The position I’m looking to apply for does have a three week training period.  They have an assistance program that directly relates to the certifications.  But then I’ll get 11 more months of actual real life experience.  I’ll be able to see how people behave and hopefully there aren’t any serious injuries… but maybe a knick here and there and possibly a twisted ankle possibly… again not that I want any of this to happen but there might be opportunities how I’ll respond and observe how others respond and how the recipient reacts as well.  I can see this as valuable too.  Shoot If I do get the experience through this position… this doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t be interested in the WFR course in Nepal too… it might have more details specifically for their region which would not be trained in the mountains of Utah.  But much should correlate.  

2.  It’s a wilderness position and the schedule would be working 8 days out on the field and then have six days off.  This would be a good opportunity to slowly acclimate spending significant amounts of time in the wilderness.  I mean eventually this expedition in the Himalayan mountains I’m assuming is going to be at least a month in the wilderness… if not up to three months at a time?  But this should be developed and I can see this schedule as a good start the training process. 

        Con:  Now the downside about this schedule involves my little buddy Elvis.  The wilderness position says they are used to dogs going along for the week but haven’t had any cats yet.  They needed to look into more to see if this would be possible.  I continued to asks questions and based on the answers I don’t think with this position he would be able to join us during the 8 days.  This position is a minimal rugged camping.  To reduce equipment being taken in they do not have tents.  We’d be using sleeping bags on the ground and share a tarp for coverage over the sleeping bags.  When it comes to Elvis he would need to have some time by himself.  If there was a tent then I’d be ok with having him with us because I know once we find our spot to camp I’d be able to get him inside and he’d be able to relax.  I’d really love to get him involved because I’d like him to get used to people and possibly dogs and traveling with groups in the wilderness.  I did actually buy him this… what’s it called… a cattasaurus cave.  Technically it could be enough space for him to find a space to feel secluded and safe from everything.  But I just got this yesterday so I have to see if he will warm up to it.  So far he’s got into it once and mostly using it to sharpen his claws… hehe.  I’m hoping he’ll warm up to it more… we’ll see.  But this could be a potential option though, instead of a tent.  LOL… I’ve been thinking about things I’d be taking camping and I feel it’s very unusual compared to the standard… hehe… but we’ll see… I just seem to lean on the unusual.  But yes if he cannot come then I need to find housing that will be willing to work with us.  If we have our own housing then being able to plan how to have enough food, water, and litter available for that span of time.  He’ll definitely have to get used to me not being there for that amount of time too.  He’s used to a few days, but gone for a week is something else.  But he did go three months when I went on vacation, but he had Mika at that time.  He just might first think that I wouldn’t be coming back, but after the routine he’ll understand that I didn’t abandon him when I return.  I don’t like the thought to be away from him so much but also it could do us good too.  I don’t really know if he’ll be doing the expedition with us anyway.  There’s a few situations where he might have to be in quarantine for over a week when we travel and so he can start getting used to me being away but returning consistently will help him get more comfortable with me not always being around.  If we find a roommate I hope they would actually enjoy cats and at least help feed him and a little time to pay attention to him while I’m away.  With a year commitment I’d only be seeing him half the year but it wold be spread out… this could all be doable. 

3.  It’s a therapy wilderness excursion.  I feel this will be interesting… what will be trained and what I’ll be able to observe with the therapists and guests.  

        A.  I’m interested in seeing their therapy modalities using wilderness.  This is similar to what I’m trying to create in the Himalayas.  It’s not specifically for therapy but Spiritual and Enlightenment work… so we can assume there’s a link to therapy.  Shoot we studied psychology for being a dance instructor… hehe… seeing what techniques they use I know will be valuable… even if it’s the case of what not to do.  Which i’m not assuming is the case but sometimes this is the case.  But I’m hoping it’s more of what to do in different situations with different people.  Again having a year’s worth of experience should give many applicable examples.  

      B.  Of course I have my own ideas of how to work with people.  I know I don’t have any degrees but I seem to be able to help out.  I’m interested in working with the guests… but honestly I know I’ll be working with the leaders and teachers… that’s just how it goes normally.  I’ll be observing them and I’ll usually find a way to casually approach and eventually get them to open up about their ideas of where they are and where they’re wanting to direct themselves towards.  I’ve been successful in others subtle areas and we all can learn from each other.  They say they are all about learning and support so I’d hope to think this is a group of similar minded community to meet.  

4.  There’s adventure programs that are included with the therapy.  I’d be really interested in learning these skills as well… I can enjoy a bit of adrenaline from time to time.  And I haven’t had the means to join in these activities before… but as a staff member… I can learn and join in on the fun!  These activities can include rock climbing, rappelling, canyoneering, fly fishing, stand-up paddle boarding, low ropes courses, mountain biking, rafting and cross-country skiing.  I’m not certain if these are included in all the trips but throughout the year I’d assume I’d be able to participate in these activities.  Shoot if I found a community that enjoys in these activities… I’m sure there would be opportunities to join in on these activities not involved through work but on our time off.  I guess there’s 16 days off paid vacation included for the full-time yearly agreement.  

5.  Gear Library and pro-deals for outdoor gear and apparel.  I’m not sure what kind of deals this will be but I’m assuming I can get better equipment spending reasonable amount for them.  I’m a thrifter though.. so I’ll still be keeping my options open for second hand… there’s seems to be treasure waiting to be found if we’re willing to look.  But I can see the Gear Library as beneficial though.  Throughout the training period we can borrow there supplies to see what equipment we enjoy using before purchasing big ticket items without a clue… which I fall into the have no clue category.  Hehe… I enjoy hiking… when I did in Colorado it seemed like there was a difference between the locals and the visitors.  We’d be in casual attire and the visitors would have all the name brand hiking attire on.  Hehe… I think it’s going to take a while before I’m fully fitted out with name brand stuff… half the time I don’t know what I’m wearing I just know it’s comfortable and I like it.  So if that’s the case with the name brand stuff… then I can work with that too hehe.

CONS: But I want to try to look at them from a perspective that will help challenge and teach me something. 

1.  Sleeping on the ground in a sleeping bag for half the year.  So I plan on bringing a yoga mat which can double as something like a sleeping pad.  I tried sleeping one night like this camping this summer and I ended up going to the car to sleep to be more comfortable.  There’s a lot of value that I can see in this position, but also know I prioritize my wellbeing and maybe this is just my mind playing tricks on me, but I can foresee this as a hurdle I’ll have to overcome.  Shoot when it comes to packing I can definitely see me wanting to skimp out on clothing just so I have more room to add padding to my sleeping bag.  I can also use the clothing as pads as well… I’ll have to see.  I think I’m going to have to bite the bullet and give it a shot.  Lol… in the expedition I’m wanting to plan sleeping is one of the main concerns that I’ve been looking into.  I already know there are so many factors that are going to be playing on everyone physically, psychologically, and emotionally… I want to make sure they have a sleeping haven to actually get rest.  I’m sure I’ll have to probably seriously consider having a hammock as an option to give myself a break from the ground.

2.  Housing is not included with this position.  The places I’ve been applying to includes housing and it just makes it easier.  They advertise it as a plus that they don’t have housing because of the six days off thing.  Many of their staff live the van life so they can travel anywhere on their days off.  Which does sound nice, but I don’t have a van… so I’ve been looking into housing options in Salt Lake and surrounding areas.  They seem to be pretty steep in monthly rates for even a shared living space… which I will only be there for half the year… but will be worth it to have my little buddy Elvis safe and sound in.  I’ve got a few connections and trying to think of other possibilities as well… shoot I just thought of a possible option that I might have to look into… hmmm… it’d be Lake Tahoe though and might involve a lot of flying… maybe not the best option but might be a guy I need to ask his web of connections that I haven’t asked yet.  Not only do I not have a van… I don’t plan on having a vehicle.  Which if I live in say the Salt Lake area shouldn’t be an issue.  This position has carpooling options from Salt Lake or Moab.  On my days off I’d assume there would be public transportation to get around…. Oh no… I hadn’t even thought of living in a city again…. Lol… this is kind of a bummer.  I like visiting cities but to live in one… I’ll only be there half the time… so that’s good there’s a balance there… ok… again this isn’t impossible just not as convenient to other positions I’ve applied for.  I found out that one of the original twelve has moved back to Salt Lake.  I don’t know if we’d spend much time together, but know she’s there will make a difference.  At least a few times to visit would almost make everything worth it.  

3.  This doesn’t involve horses… hehe… there are a few positions that works with horses and I was really wanting to start learning about them.  But this isn’t a deal breaker but if I do hear back from a position where horses are involved… well then that will start to make some difficult decisions.  Especially if it involves horses and housing is on site and I don’t have to make a year commitment… hehe… there’s a spot in no-man’s land Idaho whom I’m hoping to hear back from.  If I do… they’ll be high on the list.  Did I mention the Patagonia volunteer program?  Well I think I did… but this horse program is highly interesting to me… and this would be for three months.  Again another reason to start getting Elvis comfortable for leaving him for periods of time.  I’ve got to find someone who would actually enjoy watching him for that long.  I’d like to say my dad, but it would be much more of a burden for him… but I know Elvis is comfortable in the house.  We’ll get to that when we have to.  

So yeah this position seems to be up my alley… but again I’m open to new opportunities that come my way.  All I know is I’m ready to make some moves… so getting this full-time gig is becoming more apparent to me.  I’d love to say that I’d just be doing the shaman thing and be able to make enough money to do the training I’d like to take but there’s only a few hints here and there as possible opportunities.  Most people are just talking and not ready to take action.  And I’m ready to start taking action so I can feel like I’m making steps in the direction to creating my visions.  I know it’s already happening… but these will be more tangible and not so subtle.  I was just talking to my dad earlier about when I first received these visions in the jungle.  I was definitely overwhelmed and it felt like I needed to completely halt progress… maybe in the physical aspect of things but yeah I needed my mental aspect to ground to see these visions aren’t as overwhelming as originally thought.  I’m starting to see the steps now.  Now the details aren’t known but the direction is starting to become clearer.  

The two times doing my orienteering is starting to see these visions differently as well.  I just need to be placed in situations to get a different perspective for mind to look at things from different angles.  It’s still needing to do this but it’s reassuring that each time I’m getting things out of it.  The guy who is teaching me is also really good at asking me questions and giving me things to consider so it gives me direction on how to clarify what I’m trying to find.  It’s been amazing that he hasn’t gotten upset with me not knowing the language of orienteering and mapping.  I remind him that I have an idea of what I’m trying to do but I don’t know if I can explain it to him accurately…. And so far we’re doing really well going back and forth and he’s been very helpful and isn’t judging what I’m trying to accomplish.  He’s helping ground me in many ways… when I thought about orienteering and mapping my mind goes in so many ways and he’s been helping me narrow down what I really would need.  And the first project is in the jungle.  And I’m able to break it down into bite sized chunks now.  Just the basics of navigation, I’m already confident on the projects I want to construct here.  I’ve always been confident in navigation but I’ve always had things simplified down for me.  Now it’s my time to go and simplify it down for guests.  I’m really looking forward to returning to Peru.  I keep getting messages from my maestros… I’m so looking forward to dietas and then onto working personally with Aya to start finding what’s waiting for me to find.  It’s there waiting patiently… I just got to figure out how to get out of my way and go and find it.  It’s not as easy as I’d hope it to be… but it’s not too hard either.  Well… this seems like a good place to take a break…

 

I’ll download the yoga nidra recordings… reminder I’m not a professional speaker or yoga teacher.  Please use these responsibly.  I’ve got times where I fumble with my words and say the wrong pronunciation or word for that matter… give me a break… I’m sharing to share… I’ve done my critiques on them and they’re not major enough for me to not want to share them.  I hope someone will find it helpful.  

Welp… I guess the files are too large to download.  I’ll see if I can adjust them.  I’ll edit if necessary.  Until next time 

Edited September 27, 2023 by withinUverse
Well let’s see if this QR Code works… it’s the longer version of yoga nidra (1hour)