Chaos to Clarity... Exposing Myself

[withinUverse]

So I went back into the garage to see how I can condense the belongings in there now that I removed two car loads of electronics.  I was able to create a decent size of open space which feels nice, but I have to admit I got a bit caught up and a bit overwhelmed with it all.  I noticed as I was trying to organize I was still searching for more items to donate… still sorting out what I can recycle now and group the metals that can be scrapped and the plastics that I don’t know what to do with and even the plastic bags that can be recycled.. it was just getting a bit much for me.  Even though I know I”m making progress… everywhere I looked I was seeing more and more and more shit I could do… and it wasn’t just in the garage, it’s in the shed, it’s in the house.  I know I was getting irritated with my dad.  I was thinking I’ve cleared this space and organized it to where it should be helpful for him but I’m assuming he’ll just fill it up again.  I know that’s not fair, but again he’s not out there helping so he’s not changing any of his habits.  He’s a sensitive type so I want to let him know my thoughts but I feel like I got to get him into the receptive mode before approaching him about it.  I came in and he asked if I was done… and I said dad… it’s a lot to take in and I’m a bit overwhelmed… I’m not done, but I’m done for now, and maybe just done with it all.  I know I’m going to have to deal with it sooner or later, but maybe next time I can get some help.  So I decided to at least give it a break for now.  Lol… I can move back into the house and I know there are items in the house that can be stored in the garage, so there probably goes the empty space… lol… it’s just challenging and I keep telling myself I can just do enough until I feel like it’s enough… I’m just not sure when that will be.  I know today it got to me a bit.  that’s why I stopped and I even took a nap… lol… when I got up I started thinking what other stuff can I purge… and I thought about my google accounts… lol… I have so many unread messages… I had about 12,000 unread messages… it’s down to 10,000 now, but damn… most of these messages aren’t even interesting to me anymore.  Even some of the companies I enjoy but the amount of emails they send out wants me to unsubscribe.. so I’m doing that as much as I can.  I know I can go to their sites and look information up when I’m interested in doing it.  I love the sites who notice that I don’t look at their email and they stop sending it to me automatically… that’s.super nice.  But it’s not just my emails but my drive and photos… I just have so many unnecessary shit being stored everywhere.. lol.. I just want to clear space in as many ways as I can.  It makes me want to be more aware of my purchases, subscriptions, who I’m giving my email address to.. lol… Sometimes I’m in a rhythm of editing down my photos as I go, but there is so many years where I did not.  I like photography and I take many pictures and video of pretty much the same thing… so narrowing it down to one of the same thing would be great.  I ran into some pictures with my exes and I had thought about sending them cool pics of them before I delete them off my storage… one is with his daughter… I was laughing so loud… we all went to Italy and she and I were getting along before that trip.  I had made some videos of our trip and I’d say 80% of my pictures of her…she was looking at me like… I’m not going to smile for you… lol… and I loved it… how she can be so grumpy was funny to me.  I mean even her dad and I were pretty much splitting up during this trip… I couldn’t not enjoy myself to some extent.  It was just absolutely beautiful.  But again I love photography so I got some really good candid pictures of them together that again I’d love to give to them before I delete them form my storage.  There’s so many photos that I don’t need every little detail documented to remember what went on and how the vibe was during that time.  I had pictures of the kids art classes I use to teach and I picked three of them that I could still remember taking and that’s all i needed, but for the position we had to send in pictures of each classes so I had tons of them… which I don’t need anymore even though it was fun to see all the kids being messy, silly kids during our class.  But yeah again I’m not going to forget it… yes it’s not in the front of my memory, but when it does come up.. it’s easy to remember how much I enjoyed it and a few key moments that I enjoy recalling.  I just keep thinking is this how my mind is… Was I getting so congested with thoughts and ideas and memories it’s stopping me from visualizing new ones?  lol… not exactly but I think it kind of relates though too… I know I feel really good purging as many ways as I can think of.  It makes me feel lighter and open to new possibilities I hadn’t allowed before.  I know it’s helping even though it sublet for me… 

I wanted to go back to the expedition… I was talking about the horses I think that’s going to be involved…. What else can I think on… well… I mentioned I was getting messages from different sources so I’m uncertain if they are linking correctly, but again I feel it’s still helpful for me to flow with it and see what comes up.  So I did get a message in Aya solo ceremony where it’s going to take buckets of Aya.  I saw and heard, buckets of Ayahuasca.  At the time I didn’t know about the expedition so I thought it was just talking about me going to be using Aya for a long time… which I already knew, but I guess already know that at one point I wont need ceremony too.. so maybe i thought I was just letting myself know that I still have a while before that happens.. lol… but I remembered that message when I was thinking about the expedition.  And so when I was recalling this brief message… I already knew there was going to be a group of participating.  And that’s what got me thinking that maybe there’s a group of shamans who are going to be participating.  I don’t think all of them will know they have these abilities but then there will be a good team of shamans that I hope to already be building our relationship in partnership in ceremonies.  I also want all of us to share before we go.  That’s what I find I run into is shamans work alone or they have a partner they work with, but not necessarily in groups.  Now the newest shaman I have shared ceremony with… well that’s not exactly true.. I had one ceremony with a shaman who was the latest I shared with… he was the one who is the only one who drinks in ceremony and the guests don’t drink.. I found that interesting, but I also found that I didn’t want to continue working with him… at least not right now and I’m definitely open to not at all… I’m just open… but I did not like how he reacted to my messages in ceremony… I know they are unusual but he didn’t like the fact that I decided to go to the hospital to get my blood work tested instead of staying with him and his program.  After the ceremony we shared, he said that my blood was poisoned or sick because of everything I went through… I guess using antibiotics… which wasn’t working.  I told him I want to get proof to see what I’m working with and he was nice enough to recommend a doctor which was pretty much his neighbor.  The doctor helped me out and I was able to get the blood work and it actually came back normal… except one area was a little unusual and said I could have an allergic reaction or dealing with a parasite.  He didn’t know which but referred me to a hospital which specializes in testing for this.  Well that was an unusual time… again I’m not the best at speaking Spanish so figuring out where I needed to be and where I needed to go and who I needed to meet with and speak with took some getting used to… lol… It’s a lot more exclusive and I had to do most of the running around.  I’d have to get a slip to go see someone.  Then I’d have to return to get another slip to see another doctor… then I’d have to get a slip to get the proper materials to submit my bodily fluids.. which I didn’t realize at first… i had used items I had… lol… because I didn’t understand everything being said.  But this facility and especially this sector the doctors weren’t there every day… they didn’t even have a regular schedule… so for two weeks I had to go to the hospital and wait to see if the doctor I needed was going to be coming that day… and I’d return the next day to wait and see.  I remember when they looked at my legs they wanted to send me to the dermatologist only and not take any fecal samples.. I had to push a bit aggressively to have them tested.  I was saying the original doctor said possibly allergic, but possibly parasitic… I’d like to test for both.  The dermatologist recommended three medications before she got any results back.  A good think I had to do all the running that I didn’t go get the medication until I saw the results to see if I’m even allergic before I start taking medication I possibly don’t need.  Which I didn’t… test work came back negative.  But I did get positive results for the parasite.  I was thankful it wasn’t an exotic rare type of parasite.  It’s a common parasite Giardia.  I just didn’t have any of the symptoms that comes with this normally such as diarrhea.  I guess I’m going out of order.. it’s so hard to tell it linear though because I was getting messages in an unlinear fashion.  But by the time I went to get tested I had my three solo ceremonies and when I was getting suggestions on how to change my diet and going to Nepal.. I also had the feeling I was in danger… but I didn’t know from what… and still it boggles me… and maybe that’s why I need to go into it.. but I think I’ll work me way around this.  So anyway I thought maybe the bites and infection on my legs may be the cause of it.  I didn’t know if it was blood, or parasites, or what.. I didn’t know I had anything to be really concerned about.  I don’t know because I was doing solo ceremonies where I wasn’t grounded it just amplified it for me… but I ended up in the jungle in a tiny village not knowing anyone when I finished my final ceremony and as I was riding back to the main city I was able to calm down and try to piece everything together… I’m not certain how long but probably close to two to three hour boat ride back.  I already mentioned that when I was getting these messages… it was a natural approach to what I’m working with to heal my body.  So I decided not to take any medicine from the hospital.  I also read that a healthy adult can naturally pass this type of parasite.  Because this parasite is so common… I’d have to admit that I don’t even know when I got it.  And I don’t know if I still have it.  And I don’t know if this is why I was receiving the messages either.  To me it’s probably not… especially if the body can get rid of it fairly easy.  I’m not sure what all tests are our there.. I do not go to hospitals or talk with doctors much… I just never really had to deal with them.  Usually I’m forced to go by my family if that’s the case.  Usually to get stitched up… lol… but I’d like to do a full body checkup with all my fluids… lol… to see if there is something that I might have that I’m trying to treat.  This whole feeling of being in danger was new for me… and again looking back that feeling really drove me to do things I wouldn’t normally do, but I go with it when it involves ceremony.  What happens in ceremony is supposed to happen regardless if we judge it as good or bad… there’s lessons to be learned.  Geesh!  Here’s another hesitant spot I’m coming up against… those three ceremonies were intense… they are the biggest reason why I want to get more dietas into my system because I know I want to be more grounded in ceremony when I share with other people but also when I go in by myself.  I can’t explain but the other psychedelics I work with… I don’t have the same approach as I do with Aya… it just seems so much more involved and complicated then anything else I’ve worked with.  And when I go the message to put my own intention into the Aya before I drink to get answers… I knew it didn’t technically say… hey you can have solo ceremonies now… lol… but I ran into a guy who makes his own and drinks on his own… and I thought… why not give it a try?  I still have most of what I received from him… but lol… I’m not gung-ho to diving back into a solo ceremony soon… it’s been about a year now and I’ve microdosed… which is taking a sip of it… maybe only twice in that year.  Microdosing is still a possibility for me… well maybe I could be comfortable enough in my dad’s space, but honestly since he’s not really into ceremony I feel like I can wait until I’m alone.  I just would prefer to wait until after the dietas to think about doing solo sessions again… but who knows… I’m bit crazy and I never know if I’m going to get a feeling to give it another go.. that can happen any time…. Lol.  

Geesh… I’m not sure if I should continue about the buckets of Aya or go into my last three ceremonies… I think. I’m going to continue on the buckets of Aya… maybe I can go into ceremony next time… I know I’m wearing down a bit so I think I can process the buckets easier than the three ceremonies.  So yes as I was saying most of the group will be shamans… but i think 90%.. and hopefully 100% of the participants will be drinking Aya for ceremony in this expedition.  So… that leads to how can we get permission to transport Aya into Nepal.  Again.. I’d love for this to be documented so I want it to be legal.  I already know that one of the shamans has authorization paperwork where he can travel to specific countries with Aya for ceremonies in those countries.  I cannot remember if Nepal is one of the countries, but he’s been to the United States and I think somewhere in Europe to hold ceremonies.  So there is a way to get documentation to be able to fly with Aya, but I don’t know how much each of us would be able to take… if there is a limit to how much a person can take?  I’d love to be able to get a hold of the government in Nepal and discuss what we plan on doing.  I haven’t looked into this too deeply but I did a little.  I’d like to get permission to have a spiritual/religious sanctioned to participate in an expedition through the mountains where we bring our own spiritual techniques to practice as we are doing it.  If we bring something they don’t really want to be spread into the public, like Aya possibly… if there is some type of agreement or arrangement to be able to obtain the quantities and then transport the quantities through their government and then return it to us once we are setting out for our expedition.  I think that makes sense.. the government can have control when we are in the public areas, but once we go into the private expedition we can get it from the government so we can participate in our spiritual practices.  I really feel we’re going to be using Aya to guide us through the mountains.  that’s why we need buckets.  Oh my gosh… there’s so much coming up when I think about this… I’m thinking how can I possibly go through all the ideas that comes up?  And is that necessary?  It’s opening up my imagination and getting me prepared for dealing in areas I haven’t before… so it’s helpful in that manner… I guess if I start to get overwhelmed… it would be a sign for me to relax and move away from it for awhile… I guess I just want to continue to say… I hadn’t gotten these types of messages before… so it’s been challenging how to respond to them.  I’ll continue to mention that possibly one of the main advantages I have is everyone else’s skepticism… right?  This all seems really out there and not possible… so I go with what people are thinking… what if I am a crazy lady?  And then how confident I am about ceremony… and I want people to be introduced to ceremony… so I follow up by saying… but what if i am connecting to something beyond logic more intelligent than logic?  I’m still in my exploration of Aya… so it’s not like I know how to approach every message I received… in fact that’s where intuition plays a big role in the integration process.  We have to trust that we can figure it out.  I trust I can figure it out… but it doesn’t mean everything was given to me in a step by step manner.  I also know I wasn’t as conscious as I am now… so I’m still needing to question my initial thoughts of how I’m piecing the puzzle pieces together.  So I’m ok with approaching it loosely, but also there’s not much else I want to focus on but how to pursue this.  I was spacing off for a little bit as I was thinking about this project… and I want to be able to rest before I go into it… I guess I’ll have to get into the rollercoaster ride of the last three solo ceremonies I had.  And how much I need to look at it from a more grounded position even though my first responses was not in a grounded manner.  Hmmm… I feel the excavation project will get me a better idea of how to work in a state I’m hoping to obtain… maybe i don’t need to spend so much mental energy on speculations right now.  Maybe that might be the smart choice… I didn’t know what order I’m going to be proceeding but I feel the excavation would be the practical first step.  I just get messages about different areas in my life and I feel I usually keep things open and available… I usually allow things to play out and then respond on how they are going, but I feel I can help better direct it now?  Maybe?  I’m at least trying to attempt to and then I can see if I need to make adjustments or not.. lol… alright… it’s time to rest for me… until next time  

[withinUverse]

So i think I’ve got a lot to process still and I saw myself avoiding it yesterday and I feel that’s not what has been working for me.  When I’m being vulnerable and open is when I saw hidden insights that I wasn’t able to notice so I want to continue to stop avoiding my past experiences and even my responses at the time was what needed to happen for me to get messages and also for me to re contextualice my first impressions.  But I am going to start with the dream I had last night… lol… I know I’m more comfortable working my way through this process.  So I had a pretty vivid dream last night.  When I was dreaming I thought it was actually happening… and it wasn’t until I woke up did I realize I was dreaming.  It wasn’t long but I’m going to try to remember what I can… and what I was feeling… so I was in my bed.. but it seemed like I had sat up and I was waiting for something… almost like if I I was in ceremony and I’m patiently waiting for a message to come through… almost as if I was waiting for it to kick in.  It did seem like almost like a dmt experience I don’t know how to explain it but I started to look down onto the bed and the patterns were moving but not to extremes slowly moving and it also seemed like my body.. or at least from my view point it started to move upward is how I can describe it.  And it was as if I was adjusting back to the original point of focus and it continued to move upwards… I sat back up and my cat jumped onto my bed and was sitting next to me.  He wasn’t really interacting with me but he was just present with me.  All of a sudden I seemed to have laid down on my stomach as if I was hanging my head over the bed so I was upside down… my hair was falling to the ground… I was in this position for a little bit and then my body started to shake… that’s why i felt like I was awake because I could feel my body shaking which it might’ve been I don’t know but this happens when I’m in ceremony… this is something happens when I say I become the shamana… It’s like I’m waiting for my consciousness to connect and I tend to move my body and try to open up myself to allow the process to come in and allow the transformation… I don’t usually have this shaking happen in ceremonies but usually i do have a rocking that’s there until I just know that the transition has happened and then I automatically know I’m ready.. I’ve become the shamana… and that feeling happened in the dream…lol… I just didn’t know what I was going to do next or what the message I was going to be experiencing which again I’m familiar with when I’m in ceremony… lol… I seem to move differently when I’m in that state as well… it’s like I’m an acrobat… lol… I’m not sure how to give the picture of how unusual my movements gets but in the dream I found myself doing my…lol… my style of go to masturbation style… lol.. and I was rolling backwards and trying it in different positions… I was really consumed into it and I remember the rocking movement… and that’s when I found that the movement was being felt, but the actual pressure I place on myself that allows for pleasure.. that wasn’t being felt.. and that’s when I woke up in my bed and realized it was a dream.  I went ahead and did the masturbation rocking motion with the pressure and it felt good but it was quick and I was still tired but I thought it was interesting because I haven’t really had that happen before.  I feel back to sleep fairly quickly but when I was going back to sleep I noticed how much my breath was.. I was breathing heavier and my body was a little more electrified a bit.  But it didn’t take long until I was back to sleep… lol… it’s actually been a while since I’ve remembered one of my dreams.  I believe I’ve already said that for most of my life it was as if I couldn’t remember after I wake up.  I was going through long periods of remembrance when I started this isolation period.  I was recording almost daily and i know I was focusing on trying to remember and it seemed easier.  That’s when I was noticing images before I fell asleep.  I’m just wondering if I should go ahead and try to return to this technique to build it up more frequently.  So I decided to write earlier in the day today… so I can better prepare myself at night to be more conscious of remembering my dreams of even images before I fall to sleep.  I know I’d like to explore those states of consciousness more… I’m curious how I can learn from them too.  Another thing that comes to mind about this specific dream… I had thought about possibly doing some solo bufo ceremonies.  There has been several times where bufo gets me into a state of unconditional love for myself.  Sometimes it’s like I’m falling in love with myself and regardless of how I feel about my beauty I’d say physically in my waking state… when I’m in ceremony… none of that continues and I’m absolutely grateful and excited with the physical body I have. But I had thought possibly this could be a way to find more ways to feel more comfortable on how to masturbate.  It’s just been something I thought about, but I feel there’s a deeper part of me that’s like… give it a try… this might be something to explore.  i did try a ceremony during the holiday season with myself and it was more emotional and it was purging feelings about my spiritual lover.  It was more of me longing to be able to communicate with him on a direct style… I get so many messages about him and I also seem to communicate with him but I feel its more like his higher self or his spiritual self… it’s hard for me to explain… but they get really deep and intimate so much so in the past I’d reach out to him in this waking world… and I’d see that that’s not who I’m dealing with yet… lol… I believe that’s why I was introduced to tarot.  I didn’t realize many of this community has similar experiences.  I’ve always been curious because I get so many messages about him in ceremony and so I like to ask others who are part of the Aya community if they’ve received similar messages… involving their love partner… I felt I couldn’t be the only one who experiences ceremony this way.. lol… I was hoping… but there’s only been two shamans that have said they’ve gotten messages of who their love partner was.  I feel again because there is language difference that we weren’t able to go into details, but I did get the feeling that they weren’t talking about getting messages of somebody they didn’t know.. but it was that specific person.  Lol… when I was going through my dieta… I was telling my shaman how frequent and how intense I receive these messages about him.  In fact it felt like the shaman could sense when I was getting these messages, and it was as if he was getting jealous or annoyed when they happened.  Again we communicate differently in ceremony and there are subtleties that can’t be ignored while we sharing ceremonies together.   I noticed he would clear his throat to get my attention again… for me to focus on his Icaros which is his guidance.  And many times I’d snap back into focusing on what he’s trying to help me with… but then there were other times… that I just love bathing in my spiritual lovers essence that I just continue to involve myself in those moments longer… lol… there was one ceremony that is popping up.  I was abruptly refocusing back onto my shaman when I was communicating with my spiritual lover… i was giggling because I was telling him… we’ll have to wait until after the ceremony to reconnect.  And I was back to focusing on my shaman.. but a little while longer there was a moment of silence… maybe it was during a break between Icaros… there’s time to process and relax before proceeding on… and I started to hear noises that were being made around the malo a… I could hear dripping rain it seemed on the roof… at first it sounded random, but then I could hear a pattern starting… lol… i felt like it was like a morse code…lol… to me it felt like my partner was trying to get my attention and I continued to giggle because for awhile it was as if I was trying to be a diligent student with the shaman but I was distracted because he was trying to get my attention to focus on him too… it was who should I choose to put my focus on… lol… after awhile I gave into my spiritual lover again.  I don’t know how many times my spiritual lover and I have had this similar conversation.  It’s like he’s finally realizing who we are for each other.  And he’s always surprised it’s me…lol..I always have to explain that I know I’m not somebody you would choose, but for some reason we just fit… we work together in a really deep way.  When we’re having these conversation I’m always asking him who else can you can connect in this manner?  Lol.. I know he thinks I’m a looney tune most of the time… so I could see how hard it would be for him to see me other than that.  It’s not like he’s hateful to me, but it’s like he doesn’t know if he should trust me.  The shit that I receive and am able to admit to him… i know it sounds crazy to me so of course it’s obvious it’s crazy to him too…lol… but I cannot help myself from being as honest and vulnerable as I can with him.  I’ve definitely stopped expressing so much when we communicate.  I know how uncomfortable he gets.  I try to keep it more of a professional level… he is really involved with his spirituality and his process and he does podcasts which I find interesting… at first i couldn’t help but respond to his videos… lol… and most of the time it was pointing out things that wasn’t how my messages have been guiding me towards.  I’d try to find a balance of stating things I can relate to but also things I couldn’t relate to.  At first he didn’t really think I was into spirituality as deep as he is and especially because I use techniques that make him uncomfortable.  lol… it’s funny because we met in an Aya retreat, but he doesn’t find psychedelics as a valid approach to spirituality.  It doesn’t make sense to me how he could disregard it.  But I also know his experience wasn’t the same as mine though either.  So it’s ok if we don’t get the same value out of technique, but to completely disregard it was irksome to me… lol… i don’t respond anymore and when I’m curious I’ll listen to his podcast from time to time, but I’m noticing I’m trying to get space from him too.  I’ve been trying to get space while I integrate… and I feel like I’m doing a good job and then once I get back into ceremony it’s like… you can’t ignore this.. this is part of your lessons and I’m going to have to accept it.  In ceremony… I love get these moments to connect and receive, but I’m always tempted to reach out to him afterwards or even during… sometimes I can handle my communications in a manner that’s easier for him to receive, bu sometimes I lose my finesse…lol… dealing with messages about him has been far more complicated than I’d ever be able to explain.  And admittedly at times I felt it was more of a curse than a blessing.  Lol… I remember when I started getting the messages and when we were starting to connect… it all seemed like it was going to falling to place so perfectly and easily.  I was so certain… lol… but when we continued our communications there was so much baggage we were both dealing with that it was obvious it wasn’t going to be so easy or as quickly as I’d hoped.  And then the following year was all these patience messages… lol… not only with him but in my life in general… I need to learn more and more patience.  when I first heard them I thought… oh I can be patient that won’t be too hard… lol… but I didn’t realize it was going to be like a decade of patience they were talking about… lol… wow… it’s almost been six years and i don’t know if the messages would’ve said… hey… this is how it’s going to go.  If you want this spiritual lover and be able to experience and share this love with him… you’ll have to wait a decade… if you don’t want to put the work and time into this then you can settle for other romantic relationships and patience wouldn’t be needed… I don’t know what I would’ve chosen… lol… I’ve been battling these messages because I only get my truth in ceremony but in the physical interactions was showing proof that wasn’t being verified by my messages…. So I’d always question… is this even true?  Am I just deluding myself?  He doesn’t seem to even want to really give me a chance… and there’s qualities about him that I couldn’t ignore either… is this truly my match?  How can we work if he doesn’t value the same things I value?  It’s crazy because we have similar values in a broad sense, but how we approach these values are different… I find the differences interesting and he finds the differences as impossible to accept… at least that’s what I’m gathering logically… lol.. again he might just be my muse.  He might be one of the main catalysts for my growth, but he might not be the relationship I’m going to be able to attract in this physical experience.  It’s challenging because again…. I couldn’t really find anyone to relate to in this situation until I found the twin flame community of tarot… and I’m not really tied to this definition… I have my own opinion about the meaning I have gathered… but it’s close and I can relate… and of course we have so many degrees to each community.  Many of them will get frustrated in the waiting process and says go and find a soul mate… someone who will not challenge so much… someone who can be easier and who I can settle with.  I even tried to attempt it in my weird ways… but I cannot see how I can ignore this connection?  How could I respect myself and another partner when I have such deep emotions and curiosity about this spiritual lover?  I just feel like it’s fair to them or myself.  That’s why everyone is automatically friendzoned… lol.. literally I don’t entertain having romantic relationships, because if I’m completely honest with myself… I don’t have the desire to… there’s only one person who attracts that desire in me.  Even though we aren’t connected physically…. The connection we have spiritually is so satisfying…lol… and at once very frustrating… lol… but again… I caved when I thought I was going to die… and when I caved all I could think about is… I should’ve died without experiencing this… lol… I’d rather have my fantasies of my spiritual lover then to experience such an intimate experience with anyone else.  Just because we aren’t in the physical doesn’t mean I’m unhappy either.  I’m so excited about where I am and how far I’ve come and how driven I am to continue to explore deeper and deeper and learn deeper and deeper.  I don’t know but maybe I’ll receive a message in ceremonies that will break the ties between us… release me from my muse, because I’ve developed to the extent of not having to have a muse anymore.  Ok… this leading me into Bhakti yoga.  I have many guides leading me at times… and I want to express this and I think going back to my manual has a good way of putting it and so I’ll use this as a reference.  I want to take a walk and do some self attention today too.. so I’ll try to get through this so I can do that.. lol.. so I’m referencing the book, “A Systematic Course in the Ancient Tantric Techniques of Yoga and Kriya” by Swami Sayananda Sarawati again.  lol.. It’s one of the books that I kept and it’s fascinating how the words continue to be understood in deeper levels as I reread at different states of consciousness.  But I did entertain the idea that I was drawn to my spiritual lover as a source to use Bhakti practices… even though this was subtle it was still influencing me.  

Ok so what’s Bhakti yoga?  “Bhakti yoga is the yoga of love and devotion… Bhakti comes from the root bhaja, which means ‘to adore’, ‘serve’, ‘love’, ‘to be devoted’.  And this is exactly what Bhakti yoga is all about.  It is the path of devotion.  The word Bhakti comes from the same root and means ‘a person who practices Bhakti yoga, who feels devotion’. (Pg 445)” 

I didn’t know I was drawn to this style of practice.. this practice of devotion.  Honestly I hadn’t felt this type of devotion before towards someone.. and it was challenging to accept it but I was still drawn to it at the same time.  

I’m wanting to dig deeper, but I’m also feeling like I can use a break… so maybe I’ll just go ahead and at least take the walk that I wanted and see where that leads.  I might go ahead and do the other practices too while I’m at it… but I read a little of the manual and again.. I was seeing things I didn’t see before and I’m interested in exploring it a little deeper.  Lol… maybe I can continue without leading me to another 4 am sleep time… but I guess I don’t know… I’ll just let it flow how it’s going to go.  For now… let’s take a break.   

[withinUverse]

Alright… I feel refreshed and ready to explore more… I thought about addressing a comment I said before I left the last post.  I said “I didn’t know I was drawn to this style of practice… this practice of devotion.  Honestly I hadn’t felt this type of devotion before towards someone… and it was challenging to accept it but I was still drawn to it at the same time.”  I felt like I should elaborate a little bit on this thought.  I did know that I was devoted but it was easier to see within myself when I was devoted to my family… I know not everyone feels the same with their families, but it was apparent to me how devoted I am for my family… I’d say it’s reasonable for people and myself to see this as an appropriate devotion.  But there were two situations where it was challenging for me to understand my devotion.  I guess the first isn’t so unusual.  When I was in ceremony… I found that I was very devotional in ceremony.  I remember it was truly the first time when I was dedicating to my spiritual understanding.  I was behaving in ways that I’ve seen others show respect and affection towards their style of spirituality… I hadn’t really experienced that for myself… I would visit different religious locations and out of respect for the people I was sharing with I’d mimic their behaviors but it wasn’t felt deeply inside of me… I’d say especially when involved with Christianity… I know when I was practicing yoga for the first time… this sense of devotion to my spirituality was tugging at me, but again it wasn’t as powerful until I went into the Aya ceremonies.  That’s why I take these ceremonies so seriously for me.  I trust and respect ceremonies.. and I’m extremely grateful to have attracted this into my life.  I know it’s been challenging for me, but it’s been worth every moment regardless of my opinions when I was reactive, because… they were so intense for me.. and it’s allowed me to gain the confidence and patience to continue to respond to the messages and if it changes… I don’t feel guilty that it has changed… I enjoy the experience of growth with this style of spirituality.  Anyway… devotion to found spiritual practices that resonates personally and deeply… again can be considered acceptable and reasonable.  Because many of the majority doesn’t see it as a valid approach… it was challenging for me to not create doubt within myself.  But again… I was devoted and I see the more I integrated the messages… I’ve developed to a point where I’m ok with not being understood by the majority.  I can accept their own choices of what makes them more spiritual… because I can accept this is my choice and it works for me.  I knew if I continued to pursue this approach I’d gain an understanding of who I am, and who we are, and what we’re involved with is far deeper than I could’ve imagined… I followed my intuition and I’m grateful that I wasn’t easily swayed to stop trusting myself.  This approach has always encouraged me to trust myself and trust existence.  And I feel I hit the wall to breakthrough to the other side of what kind of life that will be able to create with this trust.  I’m sure it will continue to deepen but even to the point where I’m at… everything has been worth it… and I wouldn’t have changed a thing because everything has led to this moment… and I’m happy in this moment.  

Now when it comes to having a devotion towards a spiritual lover… that was not expected for me.  In ceremony when I started receiving these messages again I would battle with this and during integration… Regardless of what I experienced outside of ceremony… I continued to find myself devoted to him.  I thought how can this be possible?  I kept questioning myself… I knew I was growing my consciousness and I was growing in my wellness… how can ceremony possibly encourage me to continue a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to mutually share in return?  When I would observe him from a distance… I’d continue to question… why would I put myself into that relationship?  I can see that it wouldn’t be healthy for me.  I knew there was shadow work that wasn’t being looked at… I knew past relationships must have done a number on him… I knew I didn’t want to be part of the aftermath… I’d want to be involved once he was resolved… and that’s why I’m grateful that we were not attracting each other, because I needed more time and so did he.  But again I would ask myself… why? Why do I feel so strongly about this connection?  We’ll again in ceremony… I don’t have to question at all… it’s powerful and attractive and tíntense and humorous… and curious… and we love the anticipation of it all… I love the hard to get… lol…its when I am out of ceremony when all my doubts come rolling back in.  But year after year.. it was apparent that this connection for me… was not fleeting… it was something I couldn’t deny or ignore to myself.  Yes I’d get focused in my projects but then it hits me like a ton of bricks… I love this man… and I have developed a devotion to him.  I had read this Bhakti yoga and I realized this was happening without me deliberately creating it… it was happening whether I wanted to or not.  Let’s reference the manual again… 

“You can devote yourself to anything.  But it must be something  for which you spontaneously feel Bhakti, love or devotion… It should be something  for which devotion arises spontaneously… You can choose anything, for whatever you worship is a form of the supreme… The worship of the supreme can be directed towards anything.  Why not? All these different images act as a centre through which one can expand awareness.  But there must be compelling devotion.  There must be attraction towards a particular form.  Without this, there cannot be Bhakti.. The object of devotion should be something that attracts you as a lamp attracts moths.  It should be something that you cannot stop thinking about.  It should be something that you can relate to, identify with.  The aim is that the object of Bhakti overwhelms your whole attention.  If there is something or someone who actas as a magnet for your Bhakti, then adopt this as your object of devotion. (Pg449-450). But make sure that you are honest with yourself.  If you have to sit down and think what shall I be devoted to, then this is a sure sign that you don’t really have an object of devotion.  You should not need to sit down and ask yourself the question.  If you feel devotion for something, then you will know.  There will be no doubt - your heart will immediately tell you the object which captivates your Bhakti.  If you feel strong devotion to one thing, without doubt, Bhakti is the path for you.  If you don’t feel this overwhelming devotion for something, then at this stage Bhakti is not for you.  Under these circumstances, Bhakti yoga will probably lead to mere ritual and self-deception, rather than transcendence (447).”

I knew I was in deep and even though I knew it… I was still at the same time not trusting it.  With Bhakti there were two examples how people approach.. 

“1. If one is devotionally inclined, then one can follow the path of Bhakti yoga.  This involves intense concentration of one’s entire being on an object of devotion.  This method of Bhakti yoga can eventually lead to a transcendental experience of overwhelming Bhakti.  Associated with this Bhakti is transcendental knowledge.  This Bhakti will become stronger and stronger with time and more experience.  2. If one is not devotionally inclined, then the other paths of yoga can be followed instead.  These other paths will eventually lead to spiritual experience.  This in turn will automatically lead to Bhakti, for you will realize something that you did not know before.  Whichever method you adopt, the result is the same.  The paths of the devotional and the non-devotional individuals will eventually join (446).  Another thing to remember is that many great yogis, if not all, expressed Bhakti.  This was either their path or Bhakti came as a result of other paths.  Some of them could not stop talking about Bhakti.  were they misguided?  This is most unlikely, since these were the very people who were regarded by others as wise men.  If wisdom can lead to bhakti, or if bhakti can lead to wisdom, then there must be something behind the bath of bhakti that is not immediately obvious.  Furthermore, these great yogis were clear indicators and examples of what the path of bhakti brings: tolerance, peace, understanding, love of fellow man and many other attributes (445).  Bhakti is both the means and the expression of higher awareness. It is both the practice and the spontaneous expression of higher knowledge.  One leads to the other.  Until a certain point on the path of bhakti yoga, there is more faith than experience, but once one has had a definite experience then the whole situation changes.  One comes to know that there’s is indeed a direction to one’s aspirations and practices.  Bhakti becomes an experience.  From then onwards, one know that one is not chasing a mirage like a man in the desert.  This bhakti increases… increases… and goes on increasing (446).”

So the two things I was spontaneously led towards… I used the two different styles of bhakti.  When it came to Aya ceremonies… I put all my focus into the devotion to ceremony.  When it came to my spiritual lover… my Bhakti of ceremony led my Bhakti towards him.  And it was good thing that I was led this way… because I can’t express how challenging the spiritual lover is to my experience… well was to my experience.  There seemed to be two different entities I was experiencing.  How I can put it… is two states of consciousness I was involved with which really threw me on a rollercoaster ride.  Even though I developed Bhakti towards him… it was the higher state of consciousness that I was truly devoted to.  It wasn’t the physical state he presents to me… and I appreciate that…. Because if I was led into Bhakti with his physical form… I wouldn’t want to be my authentic self… I’d be acting in ways that would conform to what the physical form at a lower state of consciousness would want me to be.  And as I see it… different from who I am.  And thankfully my Bhakti in ceremony was my dominant force to receive messages… my spirituality encourages me to become my authentic self… regardless of the judgements of anyone else… whether family, my physical spiritual lover, or society.  Ceremony showed me that existence wants me to be me and not to conform to anyone else’s opinion of who I should be.  I’m amazing and I’ve got a lot to share and there are people who want me to share with them.  I don’t want to attract a lover who wants me to be different from who I am.  I knew I had a lot of changes I wanted to create in my life, but that’s because I wanted to change them… I knew I wasn’t fulfilling my own expectations of who I am… I wasn’t ready to express them fully, but damn it… I’m ready!  I’ll attract the collective who is ready to accept me for who I am.  If I don’t end up attracting my spiritual lover… than I can accept that because mutual attraction is important to me.    Hell… I don’t even know how I’d react if we meet again in the physical…lo… a part of me wants to jump into his arms and hold each other… and the other wants to keep him at a distance to observe him… that part of me wants to share ceremony with him because I would like to see what the messages say about him… and then another part of me is scared to share ceremony with him… because I don’t know how I’ll behave in his presence again… lol… it was hard to control the last time we shared ceremony.  I know I’m getting better but I also know how I get in ceremony when he’s not physically there and only spiritually… lol… this might seem complicated but I’ve been processing and managing this for awhile that it’s pretty normal to me.. lol… I’ll continue with a few more passages from the manual. 

“The intellect is a severely limited form of gaining knowledge yet it is the power of the intellect that the modern world seems to most admire.  There is nothing wrong with this, providing one can understand its limitations.  And it is this that  most people don’t appreciate.  In fact, this will never by appreciated until one experiences something way beyond the intellect, which clearly shows the insignificance of logical thinking as a means to knowledge.  Bhakti is an excellent method  of providing a balance to over-rigid attachment to the intellect.  It is a great help in removing intellectual constipation and is a means of giving direction and release to emotions and feelings.  One of the biggest problems in the modern world is the inability for intellectual people to express emotions.  These emotions become pent-up and suppressed.  People forget how to laugh and release their emotions in a positive and non-destructive manner.  Emotions are often expressed in outbursts and violence.  the path of Bhakti provides a perfect method of expressing these unruly emotions.  Furthermore, the emotions are not only release, they are channeled towards making the mind one-pointed.  This is a positive utilization of emotional forces.  The emotions are directed towards the goal of higher awareness and experience… If these emotions can be channeled and concentrated, then one’s whole being will also be channeled and concentrated… So it is with the emotions: harmonize them and one’s whole being will automatically follow suit.  This is the boon of Bhakti yoga (446-447).”

I know I had struggled with expressing my emotions too.  I kept them bottled up and yes I’d have outbursts… mostly to the people I cared about most.  I knew I wanted this to change.  And I knew I would terrify myself of how angry my outburst would be let alone the people who was receiving them.  Again ceremony showed me ways to express and channel my emotions… and it focused on my foundational emotions of love, support, and positivity… That’s who I am and that’s where ceremony wanted me to focus.  I’ve had moments where I cried and I’m not one who usually expresses in that manner, but I find it easier for me to cry… and not that I’m sad… but I’m moved or touched so deeply that I want to cry… it’s beautiful!  It’s so satisfying when I allow myself to purge in that manner.  I can already see that I’m going to look deeper into Bhakti yoga practices, because I feel I gain more value into the practices then I once thought.  I know my love and devotion is growing and I’m confident that I’m inclined in this way… so I’ll give it more focus… actually I’m already drawing myself in this manner… I just didn’t really have words to describe it but I feel this would be a good example of what I’m pointing towards… lol

”Deeper knowledge of existence does not arise separately from Bhakti or devotion.  They arise simultaneously.  As one gains more knowledge, so Bhakti increases.  As both knowledge and Bhakti increase, so actions become more incisive, powerful and efficient… They show that Bhakti (devotion) and Jnana (knowledge) are not really very different; various sages have cleverly defined them.  For example, in the Viveka Chudamani by Shankaracharya it says: ‘Among things conducive to liberation, Bhakti is most important.  Seeking after one’s real nature is one definition of Bhakti yoga.  Enquiry into the truth of one’s being is devotion…(verses 31,32)’ (449).  If the supreme, the absolute is everywhere and everything… It does not matter what form you choose.  Furthermore, this worship of Bhakti to a specific form, this personalization of the supreme, is a means for you to know the higher experience for yourself.  Everything and anything is simultaneously the absolute and not the absolute.  This seems a contradiction in logical terms, and it is.  But you must understand the implications behind this statement for yourself… It depends entirely on one’s level of awareness.  The important thing, however, is that anything for which you feel overwhelming, intense Bhakti can be the means to go beyond the normal, mundane levels of awareness and experience (451).  When one is in perfect tune with the infinite, whether for a second or a lifetime, then one spontaneously feels love for everything without exception or stipulation.  At the same time, it is a very useful practice in Bhakti yoga to superimpose divinity in any form that you conceive, whether tangible or intangible, on everything that you see in the world.  That is, you can try to worship everything, seeing all as a manifestation of divinity…  But with practice, bhakti will arise automatically in the light of personal experience.  Then you will truly see divinity in everything not through faith or belief, but through personal knowledge and experience.  One should try to see divinity in everyone no matter what their faults and propensities.  In the Uddhava Gita it says: ‘One should treat all others with respect and honour, in the same way that one shows devotion to the supreme (here in the form of Krishna).  this leads to freedom from hatred, envy, malice, self-conceit.’  This is not easy to put into practice without a definite transcendental experience.  But if you do this, even to a small degree, then your mind will become more and more relaxed.  Moreover, it will also be wide awake and alert because of the remembrance.  This is a rapid means to meditation… The aim is to see the supreme divinity in every face, to worship everyone and everything, because everything is indeed divine.  But you should feel bhakti towards things not because they are different, but because everything is in fact the essence of yourself (452).  But this state comes only when one has the grace of expanded awareness.  Once you have had a taste of the divine kiss from the lips of the beloved, then you will feel unquenchable thirst and aspiration for the supreme consciousness.  The Bhakti will chase and worship the supreme like a madman.  One will forget everything except the divine.  One divine kiss and one’s whole life is transformed (453).” 

Let’s just say… I have tasted the divine kiss in different levels of awareness… and my devotion continues to increase… I too maybe be a madman(woman), but I have been transformed.  I know it was easier for me to think something separate from me is giving me these lessons, but I also could honestly say I knew it was me as well.  So not only do I want to be more deliberate in Bhakti but there was a section where it can be combined with karma yoga… which I’m inclined to do too.  So let’s see what it says…

”But if you combine karma yoga with Bhakti yoga, then the whole process becomes intensified; it becomes supercharged.  Karma yoga alone is a powerful sadhana, but Bhakti simulates and accelerates the whole process.  this is the main teaching of the Bhagavad Gita.  The essence of karma yoga is awareness, detachment and renunciation of the fruits of actions.  When Bhakti and karma yoga are combined, it becomes almost easy to renounce attachment to the fruits or rewards of one’s actions… All rewards, prais and fruits of one’s work are dedicated to the object of devotion.  Though one may enjoy or use the fruits, they are not done specifically for oneself, but as an act of Bhakti… The more the surrender of one’s actions, the greater will be the detachment.  One will cease to be swayed or upset by the ups and downs of life.  One will do one’s best in work and life, but there will be less buffeting.  This is particularly powerful if you adopt the following attitude: ‘I do not serve… the Supreme alone serves.’  When you feel that you are not really acting but the tool, the instrument of something far greater, then you must become detached, and because of this you work much better and more effectively.  This feeling of non-doership has been summed up in the following quotations: ‘Think that you are not you; that you do not exist.  Think that it is that power which works in all things, also working through you.  Practice will eventually reveal this secret to you’… This attitude may be merely intellectual in the beginning, but eventually you will discover through experience that it is a sublime truth… One becomes detached in all situations of life.  This is the means to harmony, happiness, and higher experience…How does Bhakti relate to increasing awareness?  We have partly covered this in the subject of detachment, for the attitude of not being the doer automatically increases awareness.  But there is another factor in Bhakti yoga which intensifies awareness - this is remembrance.  Most people are unaware because of sleepiness or forgetfulness.  If you feel devotion towards something then you are more likely to remember.  You are more likely to be awake.  And certainly you are more likely to be aware…. The greater the devotion, the greater the awareness… There is an old saying: ‘It’s not what you do but the way that you do it.’  This applies exactly to Bhakti and karma yoga.  It does not matter whether a Bhakta is rich or poor.  A poor person can offer even the meanest object as devotion, yet if this is given with total feeling and sincerity, then it is far better than a rich man who gives vast wealth, but without the slightest devotion.  It is the same with all acts and work.  It is not the acts in themselves that are important, it is the feeling and sincerity behind them (447-448).”    

I know I can deeper this understanding.  I’m so grateful that I know what it’s like to be a vessel for infinite intelligence or the Supreme or the divine… when I’m the vessel it’s effortless and natural… I know that I’m working towards experiencing ceremony at all times… so I’m already preparing myself to learn deeper messages.  Lol… I haven’t even finished reading this manual… I’ve been taking it step by step as a practice manual.. there have been times where I’ll have periods of non practice… so when I’m drawn back to this book I start over.  There is a wealth I’ve gained from this manual… and now I feel I’m connecting to it deeper than before… funny thing is my connection wasn’t deepened by yogic practices but by psychedelic practices.. but I still want to practice more yoga too.  I’m just really curious what the text says… lol… read it without feeling guilty that I’m not doing the practices along with it.  It has a warning to not go too fast… and I understand why, but I don’t see how the theory will hurt if I read ahead… I know the practices should be built up.  Lol… I don’t know how this happens, but I knew I was going in this direction but being able to flow from one topic to another and allow myself to roam and flow… helps me clarify.  I’ve already been doing degrees of Bhakti and Karma yoga but it wasn’t really like I was being taught to do this… I was drawn to do it through my experiences.  I was getting these messages to work on which lead to these paths, but it wasn’t like I knew exactly where it was leading.  And it’s likely when I read more in depth into these paths… there might be some practices I try but I also just allowing my awareness to focus on them… it will be stored and I’ll just end up finding my own ways to gain the depth I’m looking for… lol… me or the infinite… it’s the same… lol

[withinUverse]

Alright… So I read the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th part of Bhakti Yoga in the manual.  I’d like to post some of the messages I found that helps me at this time.  In fact there were messages that I was happy to find that I’m already discovering for myself without the guidance, but then also other messages that I can use to help guide… I again didn’t know I was using this as part of my spiritual growth.  Since they have much more established foundation in this area… i feel it will be wise to keep in mind.  that’s how it seems to be with me… and maybe it will change as I’m changing… but I entertain thoughts without taking them in fully… I see if they apply to my situation.  I trust I find my way and sometimes… the guidance isn’t necessarily through everyone else’s ideas of what works for them… I truly find it more valuable to see what works for me and I’m open to suggestions… and I feel this will be something I can be more aware of if this is a path that will continue to benefit… Ok… I’m not sure if I need to continue to site the reference but I don’t see it harming anything… again some may be only reading a post or two and so if they happen to run into this one… I’l let them know what book I’m referencing at this time… so it’s “A Systematic Course in the Ancient Tantric Techniques of Yoga and Kriya” by Swami Satyananda Saraswati.  So I’ll try to continue with the order it is in the manual…. Well maybe… we’ll see… lol.. sometimes I tend to jump around so that might be the case.  I think it has great ways to explain things that I have experienced and learned and I try to express… so it starts off with a good introduction of a topic that should be addressed… I know many people may understand this in their mental theory, but it’s good to have a reminder, right?  

“You should remember when reading this topic that it is only words.  Words, no matter how cleverly woven and constructed can never convey the meaning of Bhakti.  Bhakti is an experience that you must know for yourself.  If you try to understand Bhakti through words and concepts then you will mis its essence and merely become lost in a whirlpool of verbal ideas.  You will delude yourself.  this discussion can only indicate the direction of the path… you must walk along the path and discover the destination for yourself.  Bhakti comes from the heart, not the mouth or the head.  Bhakti does not only depend on the outer expression.  It depends on the inner feeling.  A person who quietly does his daily work can just as easily be a Bhakti as a person who sings devotional songs through the night and day.  Only the bhakta can know that he is a bhakta (471).”

This doesn’t just apply to the meaning of Bhakti, but for everything right… words are symbols trying to expression a direction towards the experience that gained awareness and knowledge or wisdom… Everyone is interpreting the words differently from their history or memory and also from the state of consciousness and the quantities of experiences that one has experienced.  It all plays a factor into the interpretation.  That’s why so many spiritual books or common communication is misinterpreted.  Not everyone misinterpreted the message especially if they’ve had similar experiences and has established the states of consciousness from the one who is trying to express.  Once we’ve experienced returning to say literature or a speech and realized… it’s different from the first time one experienced it.  What’s different?  The words written or spoken hasn’t changed… it’s us… we the listener or reader has changed and so we can receive the messages differently or deeper then the first time.  That’s what we have to continue to keep in mind especially when we are dealing with our spirituality.  We have great references that’s trying to point us in a direction but we might think we understand what’s being said…intellectually… but intellectually isn’t as powerful as experiencing the message directly through our own experiences.  But what happens to me… is sometimes when I have the direct experiences… I feel it’s profound and it’s remembered, but then I return to my intellect to process the profundity.  Just as an example… I knew I experienced something that I’ve been working towards which hit me deeply and I just couldn’t put a finger to what was the difference.  It wasn’t until I restored my energy, eliminated distractions, did the action of Journaling and purging, did my intelligence start to tell me what the changes are that I’m dealing with now.  I feel many… well let’s say myself dealing with psychedelics… I might have just taken the experience for granted at first… I didn’t really question them… the powerful emotions and feelings that I had when experiencing was such a powerful message that I didn’t feel that I needed to take time to necessarily process them.  Even though I didn’t initially sit myself down to process it… existence still led me to recontextualize my experiences… it’s not that it totally destroys my original thoughts… actually sometimes it does… but not always… but when I take the time to use my intelligence to process it… that’s part of the integration process.  We are intelligent wildly intelligent but we need to prioritize experience just as much!  I’ve probably given this example before but it’s an obvious one that I use… I can read many books and listen to many videos on how to build a structure.  In the time I’m reading… I start to feel… yeah I can build this… ok I know what it takes to build this structure.  Let’s start.  Once we move from theory into experience is when the magic happens and true understanding develops.  We will find that actually the activity of building is not exactly as what it says in the books and videos.  There are many individual factors that takes place in our build, and we will have to adapt and adjust.  It make me challenging enough that we might have to reach out for people to ask to help… who do we ask?  Do we ask someone we are comfortable with?  Or do we ask someone who has a lot of experience in the activity… such in this example building.  Now either way or anyway that we decide is not the right or wrong answer, technically… doing a project with someone whom we are comfortable with but doesn’t really know how to build either… can be very rewarding and eventually we will be able to find our own solutions.  If we decide to ask the person with experience can be very rewarding as well… they may have several solutions to choose from which we might’ve not know was an option… and also the fact to be an apprentice to someone with so much experience I find very rewarding.  So when it comes to the magic of experience… it’s not the fact there is a right or wrong way to experience… everything can be rewarding depending on our perspective and state of consciousness.  If we can realize… there is not a right or wrong way to experience it may help people get past the fear of taking action to experience… lol.. maybe.. let’s continue.

“Bhakti yoga is often regarded as being very different from other forms of yoga, but this is not really true.  In hatha yoga, the mind is made one-pointed by awareness of the breath or different parts of the body.  In raja yoga the mind is made one-pointed by awareness of a fixed symbol or a psychic center.  In jnana yoga the mind is made one-pointed by total absorption in an enquiry.  In karma yoga the mind becomes concentrated by complete absorption in one’s work.  In Bhakti yoga the same result, namely one-pointedness of the mind, is achieved through love and devotion.  If there is devotion towards one thing, then all the energy of the mind will also flow in the same direction.  Love is probably the strongest force for concentrating the mind.  The greater the love then the greater the concentration… Remember, if you are not devotionally inclined then don’t force yourself to follow the path of Bhakti.  If you are a doubter, then please remain a doubter.  Don’t try to become a bhakta.  But if you are a doubter then let the doubt be so overwhelming that it forces you to make an effort to seek answers to life and your own nature.  If your doubt is strong enough then it will force you to practise some of the paths of yoga, though not Bhakti yoga.  Or your doubt will force you to find some other means to either confirm or remove your skepticism.  In this case your doubt can be positive.  But if you doubt and take not steps to find answers from personal experience, then nothing will be gained.  By all means doubt… doubt everything.  Accept nothing.  This is a good method of clearing away the cobwebs of false thinking from the mind.  Eventually you may be surprised to find that you have become a bhakta spontaneously (530).”

lol… that’s what seemed to happen to me.  I’ve mentioned that i was labeling myself as an atheist for majority of my life… so I doubted everything spiritually, but also at that time I thought there was a difference between spirituality and science and art and the environment and myself… I was separating everything out into categories… which didn’t really exist but in my mind they existed… lol… anyway… I had deep spiritual experience in Aya ceremonies that humbled me to the point I didn’t care to admit I was wrong… I had no clue what reality, spirituality, or who I am at this time… lol… before I was so adamant to defend my label.. lol.. It was the last thing to do was to admit I was wrong… lol… especially with something as grand as spirituality… lol… I didn’t know any better but I don’t hate myself for that… it’s just how I learned and how I was able to increase my awareness.  When you enter into a ceremony as an atheist and come out not know how to label my spiritual paradigm… it wasn’t easy!  I had many decades of building up belief system that shattered in days… lol… I didn’t know anyone who might relate except possibly the original group and I had access to the facilitator too.. so I tried to reach out and visit them and see how they were handling the experience… lol… and again at that time I didn’t realize people were experiencing a different reality that I was… lol.. and were at different states of consciousness… so I found out quickly… oh there isn’t really anyone else I can talk with… lol.. I’m going to have to figure this out on my own.. it was powerful and there was no way I could ignore it.  I still found it very helpful to continue watching the videos of Leo… I loved his approach of autonomy… I realized I was my authority of my experience, but with his experience and how he expressed it was valuable to me… and I’m very grateful to have attracted him into my experience.  He might not want to be labeled a guru, but I did see him as a guru figure in my life.  But again because his style it was easy not to just blindly accept everything and just take advantage of the hard work he has applied to his life to gain these insights… I knew I had to have these experiences myself to gain the insights and they have differed from his in ways… and then similar in ways… it’s been so satisfying.  Any way how this applies to the entry I mentioned above… I was surprised when I found myself as a devotee… lol… and how it came up spontaneously… without effort and without knowing it was happening.  Even when it was happening… I was battling with it… lol.. i still had my doubts but I also doubted my doubts… lol… and it worked for me and I’m thankful that it didn’t stop my progression.  And also it mentions different styles of yoga which I find I’m drawn towards at different times in my life.. not that I ever labeled myself doing this type of yoga or this type… honestly I would fail a word test about yoga… I don’t know the definitions and vocabulary, but I can tell you through my experiences… I know union is true… and I’m getting more confident that that’s where I’m leading…lol… It’s already starting to become me… but I know I can go deeper into this union and I’m absolutely devoted to continue.  The important thing for us to remember… be honest with ourselves what is attracting our attention… we aren’t drawn to learn and experience the same things as everyone… there’s an understanding of our personality that needed to help us go in directions we are led… and we don’t need anyone else telling us if it’s right or wrong… we know whether it is or not.  If we are lost then don’t worry… try suggestions and while we are experiencing new things… again trust we will know whether we want to continue or not.  

“Bhakti yoga is one of the most powerful methods of inducing meditation.  If you are swept away by a powerful current of Bhakti, then you will find that meditation will arise naturally.  It will come about as a natural consequence of having a concentrated mind.  So if you feel devotion whether it is tangible or intangible, let it be the supercharger that launches you into the realms of super consciousness.  It is said that there are two types of fools: the ignorant fool and the fool who is saturated with Bhakti.  But the happiness of the bhakta is infinitely greater that’s the ignorant fool, because it is based on love and knowledge.  So if you follow the path of Bhakti yoga, you may find that you have become a fool… but a wise, blissful one (530).”

lol… yes… that’s what I’ve been struggling with in this time of integration… I want to be a fool… I want to be devoted to my spirituality and regardless or how crazy it sounds… I still want to do it… and I know it’s not out of ignorance… and I’m ok if people want to judge me as being an ignorant fool.  Most people who will judge me doesn’t have the experiences I’ve had and hasn’t reached the states of consciousness I’ve had… I remember being that way and I know that’s not going to keep me back… I’m the only who will be able to hold me back… and I don’t want to hold myself back.  I’ve been finding some of these mindsets that have been holding me back and I’m purging them… I realize I’ve been purging them for a long time but again I guess I’ll continue until they aren’t affecting me…. Lol… ok… I want to continue but It’s almost time to leave for my cousin’s 50th birthday party.  She’s the oldest cousin on my dad’s side… so it should be fun… I’m sure it’s going to have a table of euchre… lol… i try to get as much euchre as I can, because I don’t get it often enough… I think I’ve looked euchre up online but the last I can remember everyone was doing the five handed euchre… which isn’t euchre for me… lol… maybe I’ll check it out… maybe now there are options for bid euchre.  I’ve been enjoying playing a few games here and there… I’m trying to be ok not being so strict and I want to allow more playfulness in my life… I love to play so allow myself to do that will help attract it.  Ok until next time.  

[withinUverse]

Alright… it was a good gathering… got to see family I hadn’t seen in awhile but I couldn’t believe we didn’t actually play euchre… lol… the old folks and I wanted to play but there wasn’t enough people who wanted to join… lol the other old folks wanted to go home and everyone else was wanting to play a different game…lol.. it’s all good… I spoke to some spouses that I usually don’t converse with much which was a change and it was good.  I came back and I tackled my emails… lol… i took the 10,000 to nil… woohoo!  It’s satisfying knowing that it’s been cleared out.  I still want to go back in and check what I kept to see if I can get rid of more things.. and I know I have my google drives I want to go through too… I have so many pictures and most are repetitive so I know I can reduce it down… lol… alright… so let’s get back to the Bhakti yoga, yeah?  Let me see where I left off… ok I guess it was talking about meditative states… I think it would be good to jump to the manuals words about meditation to try to have the same language in this context.  

“The aim of meditation practices is to induce the spontaneous state of meditation.  It is impossible to teach meditation, no matter what many people say.  If a person tells you that he will teach you meditation then he is not being strictly truthful.  Through it is probably no more than a play of words, the only thing that anyone can teach is a method that will lead you to the experience of meditation.  Remember this important point:  meditation is unteachable by the very fact that it is beyond words.  Because meditation is impossible to define in concrete terms, its meaning is widely abused and misunderstood.  Many people sit down, close their eyes for some time and consider that they have meditated.  Well, maybe they have- who are we to say otherwise?  But generally it is the case that one broods over problems and thinks of external happenings while in the so-called state of meditation.  This is definitely not meditation.  Though the eyes may be closed, there is no introspection if the mind is thinking about the outside world… or many other distractions.  This is merely living in the outside world with one’s eyes closed…  Meditation is beyond the inner or outer interaction with the world.  The state of experience of meditation is not only confined to those people who sit in a quiet place with their eyes closed and perform various practices to induce meditation.  This is merely one method of meditationg and is called raja yoga.  It is also possible to be in a state of meditation while performing everyday duties.  This is more in line with the practices of karma yoga and Bhakti yoga.  A person can perform the most trivial actions and yet simultaneously be in the highest stages of exultation (196)…In other words, we can continue to concern ourselves only with the external world to the exclusion of our inner being, or else we can realize our inner potential while still expressing ourselves in the outer environment.  This is the choice.  The first choice leads to chaos and unhappiness as is prevalent in the world today.  The alternative leads to knowledge, happiness, and a harmonious interaction not only with yourself but with others.  Furthermore, the first choice has limitations in its scope, whereas the second offers infinite possibilities, for it leads into new and higher planes of existence, new planes of consciousness, and to indescribable states of happiness.  The second choice is the spiritual path.  It does not lead to abandonment of the external world.  On the contrary, it leads to even more growth, enjoyment and accomplishment in day to day activities.  … It is not something new or recently discovered.  It is not a path that has been taught and practiced by a few deluded people with their ‘heads in the clouds’.  On the contrary they were very practical people.  They were the saints, prophets, mystics, sages and yogis who have existed in all places, eras and in all societies.  They all knew that the path each of us must tread lies in awakening our inner potential… It is possible for everyone to learn from their experiences and from the knowledge that they tried to pass on to other people.  Infinite dormant potential exists within each of us.  It is there waiting only to be discovered.  To find it, however, we must plunge into our inner being.  In a sense we must be like an explorer; but instead of exploring outer unknown territories we have to discover the inner uncharted environment….It is the same with meditation.  We cannot tell you the wonderful experiences that you will have on your inner journey; only that you will surely have them (197)… The aim of meditation is to dive deeper into this substratum so that we can intimately contact and be aware of its potential.  When we do so, it seems to whisper to us subtle answers to the seemingly unsolvable riddles of the universe.  This is perhaps why we can experience intuitive flashes; it is a time when we contact the basic substratum of existence.  In psychological terms we could say that it is a time when we connect our awareness with the collective unconscious.  With ink this storehouse is contained all the knowledge that we’ve has been and ever will be…. We have the gift, though rarely used, to look behind the scenes.  We have the potential to look behind the curtain of maya (usually translated as illusion, but better translated as misperception or misunderstanding of reality),.  Each of us is able to transcend our physical limitations and experience knowledge, bliss and timelessness, where beginning and end have no meaning and where there is no past, present or future.  This is the aim of meditation: to dissolve into the underlying essence of all things (221)… The collective unconscious: …It is a realm of unimaginable and immeasurable depth that contains the information and activities of our ancestral past… In short, it is an infinite blueprint of the inner and outer cosmos…. Further, there is an increasing tendency to understand that the collective unconscious (cosmic mind) not only contains the blueprint of the past but also the blueprint of the future.  Thus, each of us has the potential not only to be aware of our ancestral past, but of the future, of things to come.  We don’t ask you to believe this, but this easily explains the widely experienced phenomena of prophecy.  A person who tells future events is merely a person who manages to be aware of this particular part of the collective unconscious (223)… There are different types of knowledge.  The knowledge that most of us have is rational knowledge, derived from the logical region of the mind.  We nearly always act from this part of the mind and assume that the highest and only form of knowledge is rational.  In fact, intellectual knowledge is almost worshipped by people throughout the world, yet it is only relative knowledge derived from a limited number of facts and figures.  From this we deduce theories, concepts and other ideas (225)… There is another form of knowledge that arises in the form of a feeling or an emotional response.  We occasionally feel that something is true.  It is not tangible in a mental sense but is a vague sense of knowing something.  This is very often mistaken from intuitive knowledge.  The next type of knowledge is called transcendental knowledge, which is attained in states of meditation.  It is known in the form of intuition or illumination.  The difference in this type of knowledge is that it comes from a totality of a situation… In a sense it is like rational knowledge, but instead of a few facts, all the information is there to be used.  This intuitive form of knowledge apprehends the totality of a situation; it sees the whole picture, nothing is missing.  This comes from the super conscious realms of the mind during states of meditation.  Rational knowledge is ofter warped by personal preferences and prejudices.  Intuitive knowledge is independent of all personal traits and projections (226)… The Illuminated mind:  This is often known as the realm of superconsciousness or of genius.  It is from this part of the mind that we receive intuitive flashes or inspirations.  Without this region the great artists would not have been able to create their masterpieces nor scientists to receive insight into the phenomena of the universe.  It is from here that the great saints and yogis gain their revelations, deeper knowledge, bliss and trascendental experiences.  Very few people are aware of this part of the mind… The superconscious realm is that part of the collective unconscious from which we get our most sublime illuminations.  The rest of the collective unconscious contains the accumulated experience of existence: that which is beautiful and that which is ugly, that which seems relevant and that which seems irrelevant to our lives… for the collective unconscious is really neutral in its nature… it is the voice of the universe without personal preferences…The reader should be careful not to assume that the collective unconscious and the superconscious aspects of the mind are fenced in and situated in a certain location.  It is in a sense everywhere, under, above, within and without; it transcends the individualized mind (223)…  Most of us spend our lives totally extroverted failing to realize that an ocean of bliss and knowledge exists within each of us, merely waiting to be discovered.  It is always there and we are always in contact with these deeper aspects, but we don’t know it.  Our level of awareness is insufficient.”    

So… this is where I’m grateful that in my journey I was curious enough to try different methods.  I have practiced methods of meditations and I realized  many things about my  mind and body and breath.  I guess I can say I started with the raja yoga style of sitting with my eyes closed… It was apparent that my mind could focus on my breath or even sound at first… lol… and then I could observe my mind starting to think of random thoughts and I could begin to just observe, but then my observation got absorbed in thoughts and I lost track of my breath and of sounds… it was a little startling to see that happening and occurring.  Since I was practicing I could notice when that happened when I was in activity as well… I noticed in some techniques were I didn’t want to move a muscle… and how long and challenging that was… lol… I’d do really well and then when I dropped my focus for a moment I’d twitch or itch… lol… I used to live with a dog… I think I’ve mentioned it, but not moving even though he was propped on my chest licking my face… that was a challenge… pretty much a challenge to just accept and let it continue which I did for a while but then normally I’d break out laughing.  But I did practice and so I did find things I wasn’t aware of that I thought was helpful… especially because I was translating it while I was active as well as inactive.  But honestly, it was in ceremony with Aya that I really experienced meditation.  The meditation that cannot be explained.  At first I could compare it to the practices I was doing in the yogic sense.  But it went far beyond those practices.  It was occurring spontaneously… this idea spontaneity is clicking with me right now.  For some reason… in these psychedelic states for me… insights and downloads are spontaneous.  I don’t go in with a predeterminación.  This surrender approach and not knowing really helped to guide me deeper and I didn’t know what I was doing I was just intuitively drawn to work in the manner.  Because that’s the manner that works for me… so I’m not saying this is the approach or method for everyone.  But I do feel psychedelics is a valid method for spirituality.  It’s an easier method to connect with the collective unconscious and the superconsciousness.  Yes this approach is not structured like yogic practices… its normally a gradual approach to cleanse and reprogram the mind, but why is it not accepted to gain these higher states which in turn encourages us to cleanse and reprogram during the hightend peaks of awareness or even after… We can see how society has conditioned us… just like myself… I wanted to work towards enlightenment but I was also very skeptical that it exists or that I could do it.  Once I went into ceremony… I knew I was involved and experiencing something far beyond my imagination and it inspired me so much more and deeper than any other spiritual practices that I have entertained in my life.  I’m not sure what the difference is when someone is excited about their method of spirituality is helping them find truth to not want to share it with the collective.  Not forcing… but allowing people to know there are options out there.  I didn’t know I was on a spiritual path… but I was already doing the work and I didn’t have any definitions to what I was doing… I was just doing things that I knew was making me happier.  Again I went through shit when I was growing up and I saw I was reacting in ways I didn’t feel was right and so I had to look into myself to figure out how it wasn’t going to affect my happiness.  The thing is… many of the people I work in ceremony with that I feel have really been doing the internal work are the people who don’t know about spirituality really.  They don’t’ have vocabulary and references.. I guess because that’s how I was.  But I definitely have had ceremonies with people who say they are “spiritual” and when we go into ceremony they are resistant and fearful… to me… I’m wondering what kind of spiritual work have you been focusing on… lol… I even mention how fear and resistance isn’t a good combination to enter into a ceremony… lol… sometimes we cannot help but having them before we go in… but to be experiencing it the whole ceremony… let’s just say I don’t take peoples words for granted anymore.  I can listen and be respectful but I know I’ll know the truth when we share ceremony together… we can’t hide much in there… or it just doesn’t really happen..  I really love it when I’m in ceremony and I’m not actually drawn to assisting them in any way… lol… to me they have their own authority and relationship with their inner world that they are ready to continue to guide themselves.  I’ve been ceremonies where I have to try to hid my help too… lol… they would be offended to get help… and so I’ve been able to send my help nonchalantly and casually and subtly.  One thing I wanted to point out as well that I find in some psychonoauts or maybe spiritualists is the fact they want to disengage with the physical reality.  I cannot relate to that mentality at least not yet I guess… I can see me gaining this eventually… but that’s after I really explore what this physical reality has to offer.  Once we start realizing how powerful and amazing we are… how can that not translate to the physical as well.  It said something like the spiritual path doesn’t lead to abandonment of the physical reality on the contrary… we gain so much more with the engagement.. I’m not sure if that’s a sign for me to watch out for when I talk to the “spiritual” people I come across that has an abundance of vocabulary that sounds like they know what they are talking about.  I don’t know I cannot help myself from hearing certain I guess buzz topics and see how people respond or communicate them.. helps me see what they’re been able to experience compared to what they’re theorizing.  Right… once we’ve had experiences and gained knowledge through the experiences… it’s easier to find them in others or more often what’s not been found in others.  I guess I’ve been looking for these tell-tell signs because I’m a bit choosy with my energy right now… lol.. I don’t think that will be the case always or maybe it will… but if I can start seeing signs that tells me that they are not compatible with me in ceremony than I can wait for another time with.  Actually I’ve been thinking about this for awhile now… It’s still really hard for me to be selective… lol… it’s hard to see that I have sensitivities right now that is wanting me to limit my involvement… but i know I wasn’t being selective and I saw how much I was ignoring my own health and energy.  I just keep thinking if I’m swinging the pendulum too far maybe.  I’m getting the experiences of being aware when I’m getting too tired and I need to rest or take a break.  I just know if I have to tell people I need my time and space to myself right now… it’s easier to say it to a few people instead of the many… lol… I’m stilling saying this and these are too close friends and family… I don’t want to be doing this… but I feel like it’s what I need right now.  And that’s just it… I know the state I’m in will not be forever… I want to get out there and see who and what I run into… I just know I’m more aware of my wellness more to make sure that’s a priority.  So i know I won’t be falling into the same routine… and that’s were I just have to trust myself enough that I’m embodying the knowledge I’m conscious of.  And it’s’ not like I won’t get tested… so see how much I’m integrating… but again… I’m trying not to hold anything in right now.  I want to purge as much as I can.  I guess I can go back into the Bhakti yoga for awhile too… there’s still some good stuff I wanted to address as I was reading.     

“If you naturally feel some kind of Bhakti, no matter how small, then you are well on the way to cleaning out the mind of conflicts and phobias etc.  You should follow the path of Bhakti, for this is the means to calm he fluctuating mind, remove mental problems and make it more one-pointed.  You will transmute a cloudy, murky personality into one that is as clear and sparkling as a crystal… Everything that you are thinking now is incorrect and in time all your misconceptions and fears will disappear… Bhakti purifies the mind (500)…. This is indeed the process that each bhakta and in fact any person on the spiritual path must go through.  The whole body and mind must be transformed and purified… Most of this mental debris is usually unrecognized.  It is only when one becomes more sensitive and aware that these mental aberrations and impurities are seen.  At this point they can be slowly whittled away.  Without removing the mental disturbances it is not possible to become consumed with expanded awareness… This process of purging the mind is not constant, but rather it fluctuates.  One experiences peak periods of awareness and of Bhakti, after which one is again subjected to purging…  This drop back into a state of anguish and mental disturbance is absolutely necessary, so that the aspirant can be further purified.  More and more mental dross of a subtle nature is purged in the course of time.  One feels more and more Bhakti… The aim of Bhakti yoga is to channel all one’s desires, ambitions, all one’s emotional responses into the feeling of Bhakti.  This will eradicate the fluctuations of the mind and induce one-pointedness…the fit receiver for the grace of illumination and bliss.  But first of all the heart and the mind should flow in one direction.  Bhakti transforms, transmutes one’s individual being from the gross to the more refined.  It changes tramas (inertia and ignorance) into rajas (intense activity).  Then it changes this rajas into sattwa, the purified state of calmness and receptivity.  One becomes progressively sensitive in perception and feelings.  In fact the state of sattwa is closely associated with Bhakti.  Shankaracharya points out: ‘the characteristics of pure sattwa are cheerfulness, realization of one’s self, peace, contentment, bliss, and steady Bhakti towards the atman, by which the aspirant enjoys eternal bliss (Vivekachudamani v.119)’.  So there is a direct relationship between the clarity of the mind and Bhakti, and here we mean spontaneous Bhakti, not artificial Bhakti.  The cleaner the mind the greater the flow of Bhakti and the mind becomes intensely one-pointed (501)… The conducive certainty of one’s own personal experience of transcendental awareness… through devotion overcomes all contradictions and differences in life and religious sects.  Through the alchemy of Bhakti, life is transmuted from a whirlpool of dissatisfaction into a magical blissful experience (502)… Who wants liberation or perfect spiritual freedom?  If one is liberated then to whom or what does one surrender?  It is better to remain a bhakta, for one can know the bliss of surrender.  What is the point of liberation if this is taken away?  If the jivanmukta (liberated being) is perfectly united, then who is there to feel Bhakti towards?  For the bhakta each second is an adventure, each second of time is the eternal moment of the cosmic play - the rasalila.  Each moment is lived and experienced with an intensity that makes the heart pound with excitement.  If one is really no longer part of this play, this adventure, then where is all the fun?  This is the way a bhakta should think… Everything that happens, whether pleasure or pain, is seen as the divine law.  The bhakta is a mere puppet.  He owes his existence to the cosmic will… All work, actions and experiences are regarded as tests and trials of the divine process, as a means to remove imperfections.  At this point, the supreme can do nothing but help his bhakta…. Such is the power of total surrender.  One becomes receptive to divine grace: the grace of knowledge and bliss.  This arises automatically when there is surrender and effacement of ego.  But this surrender is not easy… This receptive state of mind cannot be created merely by thinking about it or willing it (503)…. The emotions heighten all experience.  They intensify power in thought and action… On the path of Bhakti yoga the emotions are concentrated on one thing.  Emotions are transmuted into devotion.  This concentrated emotion leads to heightened sensitivity.  One’s whole mind and body becomes highly tuned, like a radio antenna.  This leads to heightened sensitivity to other people, their thoughts, feelings, and so forth.  Even one peak experience is enough to transform one’s whole attitude and understanding of life.  It moves through an angle of one hundred and eighty degrees.  One realizes that what seemed so obvious, true, and acceptable before was totally wrong.  One’s relationship with life undergoes a total change.  It is completely reoriented.  These peak experiences are on the route to perfection (504).”

This right here… lol… this is what i’ve been doing and what I’m doing right now.  This is an example where I was guided to do spiritual techniques without having to be guided by another authority.  Does that make sense?  I had not read these words before… I found the answers and I felt it was the right path for me… and I was starting this public Journal not know what it was going to do or where it was going to lead exactly… and I found myself wanting to question everything I had thought before… I realized I was wrong and I’m not afraid of sharing my behaviors and thoughts that were not conscious.  I knew once I started purging that it felt right for me… I know I’ve had baggage that I was holding on to that…  I didn’t really have to keep many of the thoughts that I had… I don’t need them as I continue.  I know I want to live my spiritual life… I want to devote my entire life to my spirituality and I thought I had to convince myself that wanting to do that is not crazy… not only do I want to convince myself but convince others that this is not crazy… lol…  again… I didn’t know I was going to automatically be drawn to be a bhakta… it was happening spontaneously.  But now I can clearly state this to myself and I can be more of a deliberate devotee to my spirituality…lol… not that I wasn’t already… but I was easily distracted to spend my attention and energy carelessly at times too.  I don’t have to have a label of bhakta but it might be helpful in communication in certain circles… lol… I was attracted to work with this to help with my clarity and inspire me to continue with my intuition.  I am going to be working on projects that I want to give my full attention towards.  I want to be one-pointed… I am grateful, honored, excited about my Awakening to existence… I get to dive deeper and explore more and adventure more and I want to do it in a manner which I was guided to as a devotee.  This will only be a trait I carry with me along with other traits…. I’m still learning and this will deepen.  There was a little more I wanted to look at still… there’s a section about ceaseless remembrance… that’s been so powerful for me… I kept questioning myself… how can I possibly ignore this… I cannot forget these experiences or messages… and if I cannot focus on this… how can I do anything else… lol.. anyway lets take a look at this section next.  

“Sleepiness is one main reason for low awareness.  During or after yoga practices many people experience a feeling of joy, whether slight or intense.. This comes because of the wakefulness, calmness and awareness which the practices give them.  But this feeling is quickly lost when one continues on with one’s daily duties.  One becomes ensnared again in the ups and downs of everyday life, but this need not be the case.  Through Bhakti and continuous efforts to remember the object of devotion this awareness and joy can be maintained.  Remember ace helps to prevent the relapse into automated living patterns and thought.  This ceaseless remembrance is a powerful practice for expanding awareness but it is not easy without devotion.  Love and Bhakti make a person remember.  There has to be a natural attraction to the sweetness of the name (mantra) of one’s deity…this rememberance must be spontaneity’s.  A man who is in love with his girlfriend or his wife cannot stop thinking about her.  He does not need to try, he automatically thinks of his beloved.  He has no choice but to remember… this remembrance must permeate one’s whole being twenty-four hours a day.  There are many cases of great bhakta who mere unable to stop remembering even when they were killed… Many of the great poets have beautifully illustrated this continual remembrance.  For them the supreme is a helper, a dearest and nearest friend, nearer than breath, nearer that their own mind… When a person has this intensity of feeling, how is it possibly not to remember?  And this is the express train to expanded awareness… One is less influenced by the ups and downs of the tumultuous world.  One becomes more aware.  The whole mind becomes concentrated and powerful…. With intensities, aspiration and Bhakti the remembrance will become natural and spontaneous.  You will want to remember… It is the focal point of all your emotions and feelings.  One becomes intoxicated wit the very thought of the Ishta devata (personal deity).  You must try to hear and feel divinity everywhere… You must try to see divinity in every part of the world around you without exception.  You must try to feel this in your heart.  This is the way to union with the inner world of knowledge…. Love intensifyis this remembrance.  Love means constant awareness.  And this devotion means that there will be unceasing thirst, unforgettable rememberance and unswerving aspiration to unite with one’s ishta.  This practice should not be done occasionally during prayers, but twenty-four hours a day.  You should remember each and every moment, with every heartbeat, with every breath and with every action.  This is the path of Bhakti yoga (506-508).”

This is what I’m working towards… with every moment, with every breath, with every action… I’m already starting this.. and I’ll continue.  Final thoughts from the manual…

”This integration of mind and body, of action and thought, has been the main theme of this book so far.  Yet very little is ever said about harmonizing the emotions and integrating them with one’s action and thoughts.  These emotions are very powerful forces.  It is very difficult, if not impossible, to achieve mental and physical stability if the emotions are rampant… The subject of stabilizing the emotions in man is usually forgotten or treated lightly as if emotions are non-existent.  The attitude seems to be if the emotions cannot be tamed then pretend they don’t exist, like the ostrich that buries its head in the ground when it senses danger.  This may make it feel safer, but it does not prevent it being eaten by a lion.  So if you want to harmonize your life, then it is a useless being like the ostrich, and pretending that the emotions are non-existent.  This attitude will lead nowhere, for the emotions are ever present.  You may gain mental peace for short spells of time, but this tranquility will be disturbed by the monsters of emotions when they show their ominous heads from the depths.  Suppressed emotions eventually bubble to the surface and create disruptions.  To gain lasting peace in life it is not sufficient to attain perfect physical health and some control over the thoughts.  The emotions must also be transformed so that they are in accord with every action and thought.  Without gaining emotional harmony and one-pointedness it is impossible to gain mental and physical harmony.  You will now perhaps understand why we are spending so much time in explaining Bhakti yoga.  It is the most powerful means of harmonizing the emotions so that they work with the individual and not against him, so that they are used for constructive purposes (523).”

Beautiful… lol.. ceremony is absolutely brilliant… it created emotions that were felt so deeply that I couldn’t forget and inspired me to make changes… The intensity of the emotions that I felt were so powerful… but my mind would question my emotions when I was out of ceremony… and yet the emotions again were so deep it wanted me to question my mind… lol… I already knew that my physical body could use some work so I didn’t question that much… but I have to admit… my spiritual lover has created so much intensity my emotional body radiated through my physical, mental, and spiritual bodies… it was/is so powerful… ceremony knew what I would responde to in a deeply intimate level…I continually see myself on a chess board playing myself and putting myself in check… lol… and it’s like I wanted to be in check this entire time without knowing it… lol… I thought I could’ve made different moves… but ultimately my higher self knew exactly what needed to be done to get me here.  I know I have/am devoted to this spiritual lover… it’s not truly only the spiritual lover but also the physical lover too.  He’s absolutely incredible and fascinating.  When I devote myself into my spirituality I don’t necessarily have to have one name to use as a mantra.  I do realize through experience that we are all divine and so if I have to use different names of divinity in different situations to help my spontaneous Bhakti.. and so I will do that.  If it changes to using only one word then that’s fine too.  But right now… I’m devoted to my spirituality, myself, and my spiritual lover… I cannot deny what I’m spontaneously devoted to… it will do me no favors.  In different situations I’m drawn to use different symbolisms that makes sense to me at the time.  Again.. I’ve already been starting this approach but I realize I’m sorting out my mixed emotions… well because I’m clearing out my thoughts that aren’t necessary anymore.  As I continue experiencing peak experiences… I’ll have to take the time to re-evaluate my thoughts again.  But I’m ok to work with where I’m at now… and open to change as i progress.  Ok… that’s a good point to stop for the night (morning)… lol… until next time.

[withinUverse]

Lol… ok… well today I still see that I’m still struggling a little bit… being conscious with my actions and thoughts as much as possible with moment to moment with devotion is much more powerful but also not as easy as I thought.  I see that it takes even more honesty than I thought I had been living.  It’s hard to explain and process and I want to be able to communicate what I’m understanding.  I’m not certain if I’m able to at this time but I still think the attempt will be beneficial.  I cannot convince anyone how seriously I take my spirituality… but I know in myself how seriously I take it… and so when I see that I’m on a precipice into new territory with my spirituality… i want to be able to take the leap of faith, but it seems I still have that hesitation.  Is the hesitation there because I’m still lacking trust in myself and the universe?  I’m not sure if that’s the case but why is there hesitation… still… lol… how is it that what I have experienced how can I possibly be feeling this way?  I know existence isn’t pressuring me but I feel like there is still a pressure I put on myself.  

Again I keep trying to explain what I mean when I’m playing a chess game with myself… who I am now with my memories of my past behaviors and also with my higher self who has the knowledge of my past, future, and the totality of existence.  The me who I am experiencing loves to play the game and my higher self does too… my higher self loves and is me and so it knows how to play along.  My higher self knows if it completely dominates me in this game that I won’t learn as much as I would when it just keeps a head of me just enough to guide me… and it will be as patient with me as much as I need… in fact it will continue this game of strategy with me until forever if I choose to… but what it’s waiting for is for me the one who is experiencing right now to place myself in a check-mate position.  Originally the one who is experiencing would say, but I don’t want to be defeated… I don’t want to be put in a check-mate… I’m going to keep battling… I can find a way to get out of this position.  That’s the thing.. the one who is experiencing is realizing that this is not really the game being played.  It’s not a game of win or lose really.  Maybe it could be said to be but none of the choices I’m making is ever losing… that’s how I am seeing it now.  It could be more of a game of delay… maybe that’s a way I can look at it.  The more I delay placing myself in a check-mate situation the more I delay from merging with my higher self.  That’s how I see the check-mate situation.  When I surrender to my higher self… then I’m going to officially stop playing the game of being the lower self.  Lol… I’d think that I should be ready and giddy to get rid of my lower self and surrender immediately, right… that’s what I have been working towards in growing my spirituality.  So why the hesitation?

whew… that’s tough… why am I hesitating?  Honestly… why do I not want to accept the inevitable… I want to be living and experiencing through the lens of my higher self… this is the win I’ve been working towards.  I’ve been purging and purifying to have clarity… I see what my higher self has been patiently and lovingly has been doing and I’m grateful… I the one who is experiencing cannot wait to embrace just like my higher self is ready and anticipating the embrace of union… but I’m still a steps distance away.  I’d first assume that I would be frustrated with myself, but I’m not.  Frustration i guess I feel comes from ignorance somehow… I don’t feel like I’m ignorant to the fact of becoming my higher self… is it because I’m complacent with who I am right now?  Is it because I feel I’ve worked so hard to be who I am…and yet I know there is yet more?  Haven’t I been building up a work ethic to be ready to do more work… lol… especially when it comes to my self?  that’s probably what I’m not fully understanding.  I’m assuming it will continue to be work.  For my self who has been trying to strategize against my higher self… it was working hard to be clever…. Lol.. but it was working hard and struggling… but I want to surrender that now… I am ready to stop fighting and working so hard.. I’ve already admitted that I’m ready for it to be easy and effortless.   

If I can become my higher self… and as my higher self playing this game… i can assume it has been easy and effortlessly playing along.  She hasn’t been working as hard and wasting any energy and has been patiently waiting… her approach has not been the same as me the one who has been experiencing… she cannot force me to stop wanting to play such a game of drudgery.  She has to wait until I want to stop this approach to my existence.  And damn it… lol.. I want to… I really want to… this hesitation I have isn’t a negative thing.  It’s a time for me to understand that what I am about to do… to merge with my higher self… Is going to be a different approach and that’s not a bad thing… not that my approach has been a bad thing either but a part of me wants to say how silly I’ve been this entire time… lol… 

Today I was attempting to be conscious of devotion and I saw areas of my existence that I’ve been delaying to be more deliberate towards… how can I continue to delay these changes anymore… especially if I’m a devotee?  I will not be able to… I know better… and I”m just being silly to hold onto behaviors I want to change in myself… lol… how many more excuses can I continue to make when I know they are just excuses to delay what I really want… lol… I’ll give one example.  When it came to smoking today… I woke up knowing I was going to be more conscious about being devoted to my spirituality, myself, and my spiritual lover.  So smoking… if I choose to smoke who can I devote this actions towards?  At this time… smoking grounds me from my mental battle… so I could see that when I’m mentally battling and I cannot consciously think of any other way to ground than I can devote this action of smoking to my spirituality and to myself… but only in this situation.  If I choose to not smoke who can I devote this no action towards?  At this time… nonsmoking is a devotional nonaction for myself and for my spiritual partner.. and my spirituality.  For myself… I know I do not want to be smoking unless I need extra grounding… I don’t feel attractive when I’m smoking and I know smelling good is something I want to be and not having to struggle with the negative effects it has to my teeth and smile… lol… I’ve been dealing with this long enough.  For my spiritual lover… I know I do not want to be smoking because this habit is not attractive… I don’t want to put up any barriers for him to move closer towards me with acceptance.  For my spirituality… I don’t want to promote to the world especially my nieces and nephews that smoking is acceptable in a casual sense.  I know I might be wrong in most people’s opinion about smoking… I don’t see it as a devil… I see it as a medicine… and I’m not one who thinks medication to be taken at all times especially when it’s not needed mostly.  So it’s not that I want them to think I’m not smoking because smoking is a bad habit.  But I want to show them that this medication isn’t being used mostly because it’s not needed.  But if one day they decide to join me in ceremony… I’ll be able to share smoking as a medicine… not as a casual habit that’s being used carelessly.  

So… I chose to devote my nonaction of smoking today… I didn’t smoke in the morning like my usual habit.  I didn’t smoke when I was driving which happens habitually… I usually don’t know how I’m going to respond to my sister-in-law so I usually smoke to help ground myself before being in her presence, but we had a soccer game today… and I didn’t smoke before I gathered on the lawn with the kids.  When I’m with the kiddos I usually don’t think about smoking so that was pretty normal.  I feel the only times when I want to smoke with the kiddos is when I’m hearing topics they are dealing with that makes me feel uncomfortable because I know they are being challenged by these topics… I also had times where I’ve been overwhelmed with so much activity too… lol.. Four children running around usually doesn’t bother me… but I found on at least two occasions since I’ve returned that I felt a sense of being overwhelmed by their energies I wanted to smoke… lol… I carry around my toothpaste and toothbrush so I can brush my teeth before I return to them and I wash my hands… they’ve asked me if I smoke, and I cannot lie to them… but I wish I could elaborate more on how I’ve become to be a smoker… but I haven’t yet had the chance to explain myself.  I know I’ll get the chance… my brother smokes a vape pen, and they have a different connotation between a vape and a pipe.  I know they’ve been told that tobacco is bad… and I know when I admit to them that I smoke tobacco… they think I’m doing something bad.  It might be best for them to think that at this moment.  I don’t want them to pick up the habit of smoking habitually.  I know they love me and it can even be a positive that they realize that someone they love can even do “bad” things.  When they mature I’d love to have conversations about good and bad.  I’ve been able to find a way to touch on that with the oldest.  He started reading the book we all have read and as he was explaining how he was processing it… there was a great opportunity to show that the collective had an opinion about the label of one of the heroes.  They were convincing this label was a “bad” thing… but while we continue to read about the hero and how we can relate to the hero… the hero is not what the collective assumes.  He hasn’t read too much of the story… lol.. he’s on the first book of fifteen.  But we hinted that we cannot always assume the collective has the right perspective on everything… it’s best to listen but we don’t have to accept automatically.  It’s best to get to know the situation or the person on a personal level before coming to conclusions.  Anyway… I noticed that I wasn’t smoking and I was trying to observe how I was responding mentally and physically.  It wasn’t as challenging as I thought it would be.  I’ve quit before actually… lol… so I know I can do it… I didn’t start smoking again until ceremony… lol.. It was shown to me as a medicine and I found it helpful during ceremony.  But because I had a history of habitual use of smoking… it was easy for me to take it back up.  But again I’ve reached a point… and actually many shamans that I work with has this approach… they don’t smoke tobacco habitually… their relationship with tobacco is in ceremony only.  That’s where I want to be as well… and if that changes in the future… I’m ok with that too.  If I can find other sources of grounding that’s more effective then I’m up for it.

Now… as I was being more conscious of devotion through out the day… that’s when my mental mind started battling… it started to understand the changes that will arise from this approach of deliberation… and it started to hesitate… lol… and so I did smoke today… but when I was smoking it was an action of devotion to my spirituality and myself.  I didn’t just smoke like I would as a habit.  I did the practices I go though in ceremony when I’m working with tobacco as a grounder and protector.  I sent intention into the pouch to help me ground into the knowing of the changes that I’m stepping into… calm myself down because there’s nothing to fear… it’s something I want but I also know my mental reaction to the changes… but placing my intention to help guide me and guide me.  When I prepare for ceremony I don’t just puff on the pipe and inhale into my lungs and expel it out.  After I place my intention, I then puff the pipe to ignite the flame to create a lot of smoke… I then blow the smoke all over my body… onto my chest, onto my arms, onto my legs, onto my head and my crown.. many times I’ll walk through the smoke to try to get every inch of my body bathed into the smoke.  And then I’ll take deep inhalations and I swallow the smoke to center it into my stomach to bring the grounding down and root it into my system.  This is how I use tobacco in ceremony and this is how I respect and honor it as a medicine.  So I already know that this possible ritual approach to tobacco is the way I want to continue my relationship with it.  It’s not going to be a casual approach… it’s a deliberate approach with takes my focus and time.. which it deserves and this is my relationship I want to continue.  

So why is this even giving me any mental instability?  It’s exactly what I want to be with this one example of tobacco.  With one day of conscious devotion I saw the relationship of tobacco transform into what I’ve been wanting to create for years now… lol… and it took one day for me to realize what that actually looks like and how I’d be able to experience a new relationship with it.  It was actually easy and effortless… and was that what got me?  Again how complicated I was making it… how silly I was being of delaying the inevitable… lol… is that what I noticed… was really how much challenge I was making all these changes I’ve been wanting to create in my life… that’s it’s really my silliness that’s been stopping me this entire time… lol… and this hesitation is really me looking at myself and asking… are you ready to stop being so silly… lol… and myself saying… I don’t know maybe silly isn’t that bad… lol… I guess I really do like playing games with myself, but I don’t want to work tirelessly anymore.  And I’ve already been making those changes… and I should be aware that I’m more likely not to put myself in those situations anymore.  I can be more conscious.  And if I’m conscious of my devotion… that won’t happen again.  Yeah… I really saw how powerful this will be for me…. I think a part of me might already be ashamed if I decide to continue an act of unconsciousness action or nonaction.  I think that’s where I was pressuring myself.  I knew moving towards become more conscious and devoted that it’s apparent that I cannot bullshit myself anymore… at least to the extent that I was allowing.  I’m ready to not allow it.  But who would be shaming me?  If I become in union with my higher self… I won’t want to shame myself… that only brought shit I had to purge out… lol… patience and love… unconditional love is what I know to be true… so if I know I’m not doing something out of devotion… it’s just going to be harder to ignore and it won’t take me long to change that behavior.  But I don’t have to be perfect right now… I can get used to this approach.  It’s going to become easier… I didn’t really want it to be easy before so that will take time to readjust to this approach.  It’s going to become effortless… again I wanted to work hard before… it will take some time to readjust and reprogram.  But it’s already happening… I don’t have to have doubt that this isn’t exactly what I want for myself.  I’ve been trying to eliminate doubt… I want to trust… give myself some more time to experience this approach of conscious and devotional moments to moments and I can see how my trust will continue to grow.  

Yeah… I feel better… I knew I was going to be able to work my feelings out a bit with this processing…. I had different things that I thought I was going to be talking about but there was and elephant in my head that said… address this… this is what I need to explore tonight… or this morning… whatever… lol…. Ok this is a good point to break.  going to be taking my grandma to church in a few hours… I’ve already taken a nap after the day with the kiddos… I was struggling a bit and I wanted to stop my mind from going too far so a nap helps me give it a break… lol.. ok until next time. 

[withinUverse]

Alright.. what to say about today… well this whole thing about remembering every moment… wait let me find it… lol.. make sure I was reading it right because I thought to try to remember each moment… and that was tricky… I have to say… if that’s the case then that will take some time.. lol.. I guess before I try to find it.. I’ll go with my original thought.  I went to take my grandma to church today.. and I was listening to the preacher… and for the most part I was paying attention but then I guess I can say I was getting distracted by the children.  I’m not sure if they were really a distraction though.. lol.. I know my attention gets drawn to them.  So there’s about maybe twenty adults and then close to thirty children.  Many of the children are from Congo.  There’s a family of seven children that sit near me… and they are just too adorable.  There’s a baby who is almost 1 to possibly a ten year old as the eldest.  You can tell the older children are parental figures for the young ones.  But I know I don’t go often enough, but I still like to get to know them in my way and the baby… oh my goodness she’s got these chubby cheeks that’s so precious.  But anyway.. I was listening to the sermon.  The preacher is still progressing with the story of Easter and the resurrection and they are at the part where he was talking to his disciples about teaching the people they meet to make them disciples too.  How the preacher started was asking that when we get an expectation before we start a project is helpful.  He mentioned if we were a student and the teacher starts the semester by saying I expect we know this, this, and that.  When we are at work if the boss starts a project then the expectations are this, this, and that.  He was saying how helpful it is to know what the expectations are.  He was relating this to Jesus speaking with his disciples but also to his followers… Jesus has an expectation for his followers to make more disciples until they reach all.  Now I was being open-minded and was trying to hear him out on what his point was… I knew I was initially listening to him I was wondering what the real message the preacher was saying that Jesus was trying to spread.. and it took awhile for him to get there… but first he was saying that the followers are to preach or teach from the Bible and words of Jesus… which was expected, but what was the real message?  And he finally got there.. the message of Love.  And so I knew if I was patient he was going to mention this.  And it’s a message that I resonate with as well… lol… I don’t know what I’d do if he didn’t at least get to that message… lol… because I know more then half the congregation are children who are going to become disciples so it’s good to see that they use the Bible and the words of Jesus as a guide to share and spread love.  This group of Congo families is relatively new to this church and I get the feeling that it’s really starting to change the approach of how they sermon the words.  Which is great… everyone seems to be in love with these families and accepts them and they all seem to be asking their congregation to continue to open their minds to people who may be different but to still share and spread love to them.  At times I have to admit that it seems they focus on how tough life is too much… lol… because it’s so tough… they are waiting for the return of Jesus to recreate the world in his image.  They bring up how challenging it is to live in this life and to deal with relationships… they are grateful to have church services to connect them to spirituality.  I continue to wait… to see what else is benign said… and I’m thankful he mentioned that we don’t have to wait to until service to connect.  I guess why it kind of rubs me the wrong way is just how much they separate themselves from Jesus.  Again I know they are trying to be humble, but again it’s as if they’re not worthy to become Jesus-like… even though he mentions that’s what they want to do when they take in communion.  The body and the blood of Jesus… to allow Jesus’s wisdom and love to enter into them and to become one so they can teach like Jesus who was the best teacher.  I just wonder if any of them will ever realize they have the same opportunities to become Jesus-like than Jesus himself.  Is that too much to ask?  Lol… I’ve been going to churches and listening but most of the messages are based on Jesus and not of God’s words… at least that how it sounds to me.  Jesus was a vessel of God’s words, but instead of teaching God’s message… it’s Jesus’s message.  It’s really not different but I’m just wondering from a teacher perspective… what can be said to help people understand they too are vessels of God’s message.  I know I hear them say the evil one… they are not powerful enough to conquer or protect themselves from the evil one.  Woo… there’s just so much I’d like to say… I think maybe that’s what is a little disturbing for me when I’m being preached to.  There’s no feed back or engagement or interaction.  How I see it the priests they get together and they interact and have conversations about how to preach… but when do the congregation get their time for feedback?  Again… I haven’t been intimately involved in a church setting… only a visitor from time to time.  In this particular church it does seem that when they have their youth lessons there’s more feedback but I haven’t attended any of those.  Just by the conversation I’ve heard from the youth teacher.  Make them disciples?  Can we become disciples without a particular label to whom?  Lol… I know I”ve ran into several spiritual groups who accept all religions and creeds so I know that’s the way it’s evolving… and even from when I was younger and visiting churches it seems to be getting more acceptable and encompassing as well… lol… I don’t feel drawn to dive myself deep into this church, right?  Yes I’m spiritual but I don’t want to go around to every church and put my two cents… lol… but I do like to see how spirituality is progressing.  I also try to use my experiences as opportunities to learn.  I cannot tell you how much I’ve changed to be able to a participant in a church again.  It’s satisfying to see I’m not getting triggered left and right.  I’m also glad to see that I want to connect with them instead of trying to be the outsider visiting.  I met the preacher’s dad and mom for the first time today… and the father said how much joy he felt when he saw me this morning… I had a smile that just radiated the room.  I thanked him… and he spoke a little about his and his wife’s time in Florida.. which is where they go for the winters.  She had additional health issues that came up which wasn’t the easiest to handle, but they’re happy to return to Indiana.  I’m trying to figure out how to communicate a little more with the families of the Congo… I believe the word for hello is Jamba… I’d like to learn some more Swahili… I have a feeling I’ll be traveling to Tanzania sooner or later.  But there’s ways to communicate without language… but not to be able to speak with depth… but maybe that’s how I try to convert people to love disciples… lol.. just by being me and not having to preach to them or have deep conversations.  I remember I went to a Dali lama event years ago… but I remember it felt different when he arrived… just his presence was powerful enough to bring joy, happiness, and love… That will be nice to develop that presence.  I’m working on it already.  I’d love to have everyone walking around with that type of presence… right?  I’d assume so… lol… I guess I could see possibly at one time I’d think that might be odd… even cult like… lol… i guess when I was in that mindset… I really didn’t trust… and I really didn’t see the connection between myself and any other… I also really didn’t understand as well… I may have theory thinking I understood but I didn’t have the experience to back it up, but I also didn’t have the desire to have the experience either.  I remember I was doing live videos when I was in Peru last.  I was doing videos to get to know some of the guests I was working with before we went into ceremony.  I didn’t have many but I thought it would be a good time to share with people I knew that happened to be curious on FB.  I encourage people to comment and ask questions… I really don’t have much experience with this setup but I enjoyed it.  One of my friends said that it looks like we are part of a cult.  From me I thought it might be an opportunity to explain some of the dynamics of how cults are structured that might not be known to the general public.  I know many people label things cults mostly because they’re uncomfortable with something that’s nontraditional… needless to say… it didn’t bother me that the comment was said.  In fact when I read it… it was kind of exciting to see a message that challenges us and to see how we respond.  Well my guest didn’t get really reactive but he did get a bit of defensiveness in him.  I tried to get him to relax before becoming reactionary… so I might’ve even cut him off a bit.. i don’t know… probably… but I said that all comments are welcomed… And then I started asking general questions about cults… and why I don’t consider what we are doing a cult.  After my spiel… my guest was settled and he said you just won’t understand unless you were down here experiencing it.  

And that’s exactly the right answer I wanted from him… no one will understand until they go through the experience of it.  Especially with any spiritual approach… it takes multiple times to understand a spiritual approach… I can use meditation as an example.  Some may assume doing it five times might give you the idea that you know what meditation will do for you and for your spirituality… hell they may even assume they are meditating.  Some people might even say… oh I tried meditation… it doesn’t work… and people who haven’t attempted might hear these words and then assume… well why waist my time trying something that doesn’t work.  People who know the benefits of meditation.. know that it took well over five times of practice to get a better idea of how meditation will help grow your spirituality.  And for an avid meditator… ask them if they’ve experienced spontaneous meditation yet?  Or are they still practicing?  If they haven’t… might be a good question to ask them why do they still practice?  Well… because it has benefits and value to them personally and they want to continue this approach in their spirituality.  There are many approaches to spirituality that gets a bad reputation from people who really don’t have the experience to speak as if they know.  Again… primarily speaking about spiritual practices… spiritual practices takes time to build the relationship so a person who has only five attempts will not be a person who should be an expert about the practice… right?

How do I get people to not be so defensive about their style of spirituality?  How can I get them to see there is many many styles that are valid… they are valid if they work for someone… even if it’s not their own style… why demonize other styles that we haven’t really given enough time and respect to see if they can work or not?  Lol… of course I”m talking about psychedelics, specifically Ayahuasca in my case.  To answer how to get people to not be so defensive or how to be accepting of any style of spirituality approaches… I’d like to say… join me in ceremony… lol… it may take several ceremonies… but I might be a bit biased and maybe oversimplifying but… give me 30 ceremonies and let’s see how we feel afterwards… lol… I’d say more acceptance, more open-mindedness, more loving, more curious, more creative, more inspired to make the changes in your life that you’ve been wanting to do for years… lol… it’s obviously not for everyone… but I think there is a large amount that would gain benefits and value.. if they give it enough time and focus.  Actually I’m trying to design an approach that hopefully won’t have to take that many ceremonies actually.  I believe that’s why I’m so interested in working with several shamans with each having different specialties… I’ve heard of some retreats that have several shamans working together… and I’d actually be interested in attending, because I think that’s the direction I’m leaning towards myself.  I figure off the top of my head right now… but if there are four shamans… working on four guests… that could be extremely powerful.  It would almost… in theory reduce sessions by at least half… maybe.  And maybe there’s a space that has maybe twelve shamans available… instead of a one to one ratio… three to one ration of shaman to guest… that again can probably reduce the sessions down even more.  I guess this is where my mind is leading me right now…lol

Ok… so how could I set this up?  What could be an approach to set this up?  First of all… I know many shamans or people who work with shamans have a tendency to want to work alone.  For me its a little challenging to let shamans know up front that I’m not committing to them solely when I work… They say there’s a possibility for energies to cross… which I interpret as they can go against each other… how is that?  Now… I did have one session where a shaman I was working with said I had residue from a former shaman… their energy was attached to me… again how I interpreted the situation… that they were able to use my energy to help assist them.  This shaman cleared this attachment… at least that was what it was said.  I can see this as a possibility… I know I clear out other’s energies that are in me while I’m in ceremony… I want to keep my own energy… I’ve never had the thought of putting my energy as an attachment into the guests so I can use their energy… who would want to do that?  Maybe someone who feels like they have lack possibly… someone who wants more control maybe?  Someone who has shadows that haven’t been resolved.  How can I assume the behavior of someone who might have these tendencies?  Honestly… the shaman who supposedly did this to me… I can in theory sense that he is possible to want to do this… and using his behavior as an example then it seems pretty possible to have a good idea of what to look for.  But it’s not that I don’t want to continue with this shaman… I just want to work with his shadows.  He has so much to share but he has shadows that he’s not wanting to face… but as I was in ceremony with him… it was obvious that he was battling these messages to change… and people are powerful so if it’s not wanted to be changed or learned… if they’re not ready then they can refuse the lesson or ignore them.  Hmmm… I’d think I’d try to get them to start sharing ceremonies with another shaman… maybe with one at first.  Would we have to schedule who would lead each ceremony so that each one has the opportunity to lead?  Most likely… but what if they reject that idea?  So this is something I know I’m going to be setting up even before it would be open to the public… lol… again this expedition seems to be the opportunity to put this into play.  But before the expedition I”d like for the shamans to start working together to get used to sharing ceremony space.  Ok… maybe if I give more details instead of abstraction will give me better direction.

Ok.. lol… I’ll label the two shamans who have the most experience in leading ceremonies… so they will be labeled the love shaman and the power shaman.  I feel these two will be apart of this journey.  So there are a few of us that have been developing our skills which doesn’t have the experience to lead but starting to get confidence in our approach to our shaman style.  Well.. there’s two of us… and possibly a third, but I haven’t really seen the confidence in the third one yet… but I don’t think it will take much longer for him to gain that confidence.  I actually know these two are both working right now to gain more experience and hopefully… lol… since I made it a point in the ceremony I lead and shared with them… that it’s important for them to not try to become their dad… power shaman… they need to find their own style of shamanism and their dad seemed to understand what I was saying.  It was unusual to remember that the power shaman was giving me a lot of respect and honor when I was leading… this is how I feel when I’m working with him as the lead… He didn’t act this way the first time I lead and it was only he and i… in fact that was when he said he couldn’t remember.  well when there was six of us… he remembered and he was grateful and so I think he understood I was coming out of love and he has amazing sons but because they have the power shaman as their dad… it was like they were afraid of stepping on his toes.  We can share the power… lol… we are all power shamans and that was the message was to allow them to gain that confidence… the sons occasionally contact me to let me know they are working… lol… i told them that I trust they know how to do the work… I told them I’m going to be doing the work and when we meet again… we should be able to go forward not being stuck because we didn’t do the work… lol… so what I’m saying is… there is three of us that I would categorize in this bracket.  So… lol… maybe I can label the two sons… power son A & B shaman… and I’ll just say me for me.. lol… ok so we’ve got love shaman, power shaman, power son A shaman, power son B shaman, and me so far… ok… man do I need to balance this out a bit more?  There is a friend or a guest who is working with love shaman… actually he would be more in our category too… he might not say he’s an Aya shaman… I”m sure he would say he’s a Kambo shaman… Kambo works with a frog and its a physical cleanse.. huge purging opportunities for the physical… ohhh… its hard for me because I’ve worked with him in Aya and in Kambo… and I really like him, but I know he wouldn’t be in the strength that I would like at least the last time I was with him.  I’ve tried Kambo a few times… lets see I think six times… the first time was the best.  I absolutely am confident with the jungle man to be a Kambo shaman.. he’s effective and I purged completely and utterly in his session.  The second time was with my girl friends from the first Aya ceremonies when I went to visit them at their home… I did not purge.  The third was with love shamans’ student tried to help my infection of my legs and it did not work.  Once we got to know each more he finally said if he can really work on me more to help clear up the infection more seriously.  I told him that I wish he would have taken it seriously the first time… but he said he needed to get to know me better.  In my mind I figured… if someone is coming for help… do your best to help… don’t have to wait to become friends before getting serious… lol… but I did three intense sessions with him… it was a suggestion he had which seemed way more intense then I had ever heard.  I even reached out to my original kambo shaman the jungle man to see what he said about the suggested sessions.  The jungle man said that seems like it’s too much in a short time.  He said if I don’t feel good about it at any time to quit and not to continue.  So if I remember he wanted me to do five kambo sessions in five days.  He was also trying to get a few other guys to do it too.. I think there were two others that were trying this approach… well…first of all none of us was able to finish the sessions… it was so tough on our bodies that none of us wanted to finish.  What did I do.. I did the first day… again I purged a little but nothing compared to my first time… this was extra effort… like literally putting fingers down my throat to purge… when you participate in kambo there’s swelling that happens on your face… so I was swollen like usual.  I went ahead and tried the second day in a row… again not much natural purging but the swelling came, but this time… It didn’t go down like normal.  I woke up the next day and I was still swollen.  I told him I’m going to take a day off because I don’t feel comfortable doing another session while I’m still so swollen… I cannot really remember right now if I even did it again… I just know that I told him I don’t feel comfortable and lets see how my body responds with those two sessions.  I said I wasn’t really purging anything either which is the goal of a session.  I’m not sure but I have a feeling that Aya purges me more then Kambo… that maybe Kambo isn’t necessarily a medicine I need to use anymore.  Now the first time I did Kambo… I had a lot of gut issues with my stool and bad eating habits…so yes I feel Kambo was successful and needed at that time.  But since then I had mad changes and so maybe I just don’t’ need that much of an intense approach to purge my physical body.  And again.. Aya was more successful for me to purge.  I’m not sure if I need to do one more attempt with the first Kambo shaman who was successful… to see if it’s just been the people who tried to give me the medicine that affected the effectiveness of the sessions with me.  i know I’ve heard the practitioner is important.  So again I know he’s great but if I do not have another session like we did the first time… would tell me that this medicine isn’t necessary or at least at this time.  Oh… wait a minute.. there was another time I did kambo… it was my second year of Aya.. I actually go an image of the Kambo frog in ceremony… I was getting many messages of how to help my bowls to move better… bananas and beets… and the female shaman also gave me cacao drink to help too.  So yeah… maybe it’s just a medicine that I will get messages to use… lets just say it too is not for everyone… but I know many people who gets a lot of value from kambo.  I find I don’t work with it too much because I’ve been working on changing my behavior of eliminating toxins out of my system naturally.  Oh man… thinking back at this… I don’t think I would have the love shamans’ student join us for now… I”m not sure how I’ll know if he’s ready.. maybe just to see how we share ceremony in Aya to see.  We had a few sessions and even in those sessions he was resisting guidance… lol… the love shaman and I worked really well together from the beginning… well… lol.. he said it took me awhile to allow him to collaborate together… I don’t remember really resisting him… I could remember how quickly we meshed and it was amazing.  But yeah… he’s an option but might not be a part of the category I was talking about.. so yeah the third group would be guests.  

Now there are two of them that I’ve shared ceremony with and I know they have the potential to be shamans, but in their minds they don’t agree or hasn’t really taken the steps to be deliberate in that area of their lives… so I’ll go ahead and call them guests.  I also have two friends who I have a feeling would be involved.  One I’ve had Aya ceremonies with and the other we’ve had the starter ceremonies to prep for Aya but not Aya yet.  Another guest… he doesn’t know, but I’d love for my brother to join us… but I’m going to have to take my time with him and see how it unfolds… well there’s another gentleman who’s in the same boat.  So it would be great if they join, but if not.. then it was meant to be that way.  So I’ll keep them out for the moment.  I guess I want to mention why I think this is the start to the group who’s going with me.  It was in the ceremony I was leading with the six.  Everyone there was able to connect and it was powerful.  In that ceremony I knew I was connecting with others who were not present and one I know who it was but the others I didn’t have the direct download… it wasn’t until later when I was processing this that I had a feeling of who they might be.  Lol… I hope to get more definite answers from ceremonies to come to confirm this… but we’ll see how it goes.  So.. i can label these guests by where they live… UK, Peru, Florida, and Indiana… lol… ok… so that’s nine of us right now.  There’s a lot to process… lol.. and I know I’m getting a little tired.. so maybe I cannot go as far in depth that I wanted to…

I know the first thing I would like to try to get into play would be for the love shaman and the power shaman to share ceremony together.  Now the love shaman already shares ceremonies with other shamans… I wasn’t allowed to participate in the ceremony that was happening while I was there, but I did meet two of them and they seemed very pleasant.  I’m not sure but i believe the love shaman leads these ceremonies… at least I”m assuming because it was held at his place.  I”m not sure but if this will be a little tricky for everyone to be on board.. maybe I can get the son’s to start working with the love shaman before their dad?  I feel they would be receptive to share with alternative shamans.  I know one works with others from his dad… but the other son I don’t know as well… this was the first time we met so i”m not sure how his approach goes.  He might only work with his dad… but maybe that will have to be setup before I can get their dad, power shaman to join.  Hmmm… I’d like to look into this more.. I know this is going to be a part of the next trip when I return to Peru… lol.. that’s what I’m saying I know that I cannot just focus on one thing at a time… I know I’ll be working on both projects at the same time… because the expedition project is going to take years to setup and develop… there’s going to be a lot of training in several areas.  But honestly while I’m there… I’d love to start getting them connected and theoretically speaking… when I’m not there they would be available to continue the work together to build a strong bond…. Lol… we’ll see how it goes…. Alright… I’m good for tonight.  Good time to break.

ohh.. I forgot to mention… I saw a dear and coyote today while I was driving… and they were seen during the day… it was pleasant surprise… i figured if I get to see more animals if I’m tryin to be devoted and conscious more then that will be awesome!!  In fact… I feel like I might be trying to be devoted to existence but existence seems to be devoted to me too… lol… i love finding more and more situations to be thankful for… ok… until next time.  

Edited May 1, 2023 by withinUverse
Forgot to mention something… so wanted to add

[withinUverse]

Alright… so last night my dreams were kind of funny…. It started off like almost in an orgy situation… lol.. I felt like there were many women and men and large beds… it wasn’t like everyone was just going at it… it was more like there was a person who we focused on.  It could’ve been anyone and I feel like I was watching at first I think I was watching men pleasing men and men pleasing women but again it seemed like two people at a time with everyone else watching… I’m not sure if we were waiting for our turn or when we were called to participate.  I found that it was my time to please the person and I actually was pleasing women.  The first person I didn’t know and I didn’t even really remember what I did to please her, but then there was a woman who started talking to me afterwards and asked me to join her… she was ready and I was willing.. but I could feel that I wasn’t really into it much… I”m not sure but she thought we were going to give them a show maybe… lol.. but as I was trying to please her… I wasn’t really wanting to participate and she felt that I wasn’t into it and so she slid off the bed and I saw her crying.  I went to look around to see if anyone else would help her and then I can’t remember anything else from that dream.  Ok.. then there was another dream where we were standing in line and a lady I know was talking to me.  I felt like she was a friend of mine who I told some of my visions from the last time and she was saying that it’s most likely everything I was receiving were just symbolisms… and she’s friendly but she can be pessimistic too… and as she was talking she started to become pessimistic again… I didn’t notice at first and then I realized what she was saying and where she was leading and I told her that’s enough… lol… I said I don’t need your opinion right now… lol… I remember she was startled that I spoke to her in that manner… and I even said I don’t need your help right now… why don’t you just leave me alone… she didn’t want to leave and I said I’m serious… can you just give me space?  I ended up going to the ground and picking up small rocks and she got scared that I was going to throw them at her… lol.. and I was putting them in my hand and putting them over my head as if I was going to throw it at her.  So she started to run away… I was following a little bit and it seemed that there were yards that had fences up… and she wanted to run away into the fences but she didn’t want to get caught in the yard… she hesitated to enter and that’s when I threw the first stone… she got hit and so she went ahead and entered the yard… I was keeping a distance away and throwing the rocks to show her that I was going to continue to throw until I didn’t see her anymore….  She was trying to get out of the fence on the other side but there wasn’t a clear exit and then the owner came out into the yard because possibly wondering what the commotion was about.  He didn’t see her at first and… lol… I said hey… there’s a woman intruding into your yard… he asked where?  And I said she’s behind you over there trying to hide… lol… I said why don’t you ask her why she’s in your yard without permission… lol… and then I turned around and left and that dream was over.  The other dreams I had was a little hit and miss on the visuals of what was going on… all I know is it was as if I was trying to tell someone or a group of people my plans… lol… I remember there was a time where I was telling a man who was packing a suitcase and I said… when you’re going to the jungle of Peru… you don’t really have to worry about packing all your clothes… we can buy clothes at a fraction of the price.  If we get muddy or get tore up then it won’t be any of your clothes you’d like to keep nice.  When we go to leave… if you have clothes you don’t need anymore we can always give them away or donate them… lol… he chuckled at me and said… I’d rather take my own clothes and I smiled and said ok… it’s up to you.. there was another time I was talking to a man and we were looking at a large helicopter… lol… it looked like maybe a double decker helicopter if they even exist or not, but there was a man who lived inside there… and it looked like there were large picture windows everywhere so we could see inside but it seemed like it was well locked up and so we just looked and he was talking to us through the windows.  For some reason I think it was a sewing helicopter… lol… as if that was his job and he was advertising his skills in sewing… I thought it was really cool.  And the guy I was talking to he asked me… so you want to get a helicopter?  I said yes eventually I’d love to have a helicopter but for now I’m thinking about getting a SUV and a small camper.  The camper I’m looking at is only going to be around 1500 lbs… and so I don’t need to get a huge SUV.. and he was listening but a little surprised by my answers… and again that’s all I remember from the dream.  I don’t remember what else was being said… but it felt like I was laying down talking about plans… trying to tell people and I also found myself chuckling to myself because of all the reactions… lol… let’s say I woke up in a good mood but I was shaking my head… dreams can be pretty funny.  I thought maybe I should go straight to the Journal and start typing but I found myself relaxing a bit and I ended up chatting with my dad… and then I started thinking of things I wanted to do today to help around the house.  I thought I would go and separate the metal from ferrous and nonferrous metals using magnets… but it was rainy and cold today so I did things around the house.  I had an early dinner and afterwards I thought… it’s a good time to get Journaling… and I wanted to kind of continue with what I was doing yesterday, but I think I can do something similar but a little bit different approach.  

Let’s imagine together… many people I know are uncomfortable to imagine or day dream about any possibilities.  Many think it’s silly because it’s not a practical thing to do with our minds… and I say.. it’s not supposed to be practical… it’s supposed to help expand attraction and creativity.  I had thought at one time to do a podcast with specifically getting people to imagine together.  I thought about doing silly things together to loosen up and get relaxed… I remember when I was thinking about this I brought it up to a few of my girlfriends and I had them do the prep activities with me… and it was hilarious and we couldn’t stop laughing… and it’s extremely goofy but that’s the point… we didn’t want to start off the session on a serious note.  I thought many people maybe be nervous to talk in front of people and worried about being judged by their thoughts… so I thought… literally start off by being as goofy as possible to get them to not be in their heads too much and also to allow playfulness be present when they imagine.  I figure this is a great first step to encourage visionaries who think they’re not visionaries… the first step is to get them to be comfortable in dreaming or imagining.  I’ve tried this on a few people and it was tricky to get anyone to participate… I didn’t try it too much… I can really think I asked three people… and I was trying so hard for them to be open to imagine together but they refused… and so I let it go… but i thought if there was a podcast then people who would join the conversation would know that’s the point of our conversation.  I’d like to get people who are comfortable and who are uncomfortable.  I’d like to have them start our conversation of imagination, but I also know I might have to have options for them to choose from… even if that’s a beginning point… and once they get into the flow they can lead into the imaginations they are drawn to dream about.  Lol… this was maybe six to seven years ago when I thought about this… and to loosen people up I was thinking not only will it be heard but an option for it to be seen too… so I love making weird noises or noises in general… lol… The things I said and did when I was teaching ballroom dance took my by surprise but then it felt like the natural approach to teaching this way… lol.. any who… making the most unusual noises and trying to copy cat them… and then doing silly copy cat movements that goes with them… yes… it sounds like a kid game… well… that’s a good way to get us in a playful mindset… any way I hadn’t thought about this in a long time… but I did think of… why don’t we imagine together… that’s still something I’d like to continue to try with the people I meet.  

So I’m going to imagine… and what’s coming up to my mind is instead of me wanting to have a business where I pay people to work on themselves… I thought what if I paid myself to work on myself.  What would that look like?  What would I do?  And since I”m imagining… I have no limits when it comes to monetary funding… I’ll pay myself whatever it takes to get my imaginations to become reality.  Honestly my first thought… is I”d like to give some of my money to my family and few close friends.. but I’m going to approach this a bit differently.  Let’s say… well let’s bring it back to my chess match with my higher self.  Let’s say I put me who is experiencing into checkmate and my higher self wins.  And my higher self… says… let’s focus on us for now.  If we had the opportunity to do whatever we want right now… what would we do… we can help others eventually but what do we want right now?  So I’d say… ok… there are a few personal things I’d like to do for myself to get them out of the way or at least to get started.  I have some debt that I would like to pay off.  I’m not sure if I’d just pay them off right up front… or make it in payments.  I guess in the future… I’d like to purchase big items so establishing credit would be the best approach… so I’d make payment plans.  I actually got my three credit reports at the end of the year last year… and all that I had on them was my student loans.  So I would make arrangements to pay them off… could I just do it for one or two years so it doesn’t have to accumulate too much interest… probably.  I know I owe money to the IRS as well… I was considered a self-employment when I was teaching art classes so I know I have to pay that off too.  It wasn’t on my credit report so I think I would just pay this off at a one time payment… it doesn’t record anything towards my credit.  I have a little debt to my dad and a friend who both helped me with some funds last year.  I can definitely pay them off with a one time payment.  That’s actually what I normally do… I don’t ask for much and so when I work in the summer.. I usually pay off the small loans and have enough saved to go travel and do my ceremonies.  So that would be something I’d like to take care of at the beginning.  I also think I’d like to have another bank account.  I have an account in Colorado but since I’m starting in Indiana… I’d like to get an account here too.  I’ve looked into a few options to participate in saving certificates and money market options… I won’t go into detail in which ones.. but I would like to participate into these.  I usually only use credit unions but I may be open to a larger bank possibly.  Because I deal with smaller credit unions… I have run into the problem of sending money to foreign countries… and also when I lose my debt cards, they are unable to ship replacement cards to foreign addresses.  If I go with a larger bank then they have more experience dealing with foreign entities so they may have more options to help me if I need any assistance while I’m out of the country.  Maybe I can briefly look into this real quick… maybe a general search real quick… lol… I am rather clueless in this area… I saw there was an option with HSBC International Banking- tailored for global citizens… it looked good it looked like they’d be able to setup bank accounts in foreign countries, but I know specifically Peru would be a priority and they are not on the list.  But I can look later.. I’m sure there are options when I have more time and interest.  I’m uncertain this would be important right off the back… I would like to possibly setup a bank account when I’m there in Peru… I tried to look into it.. and it seemed I’d be able to using my passport number but many of the details were in Spanish and I just didn’t find it easier than just getting my money from western union.  But I’d like to see what options I have… well… just briefly let me take a look… Ok… it looks as if I can only open a bank account if I have a passport and also a foreign residence card… if I’m in Peru as a tourist then I’d be unable to open an account.  What is a foreign residence card?  Ok…lol.. I got lost in the website, but honestly I don’t really want to apply for a foreign residence card… not at least at this time.  I was trying to see how I can get the 183 day tourist visa compared to the 90 day…lol.. last time I was there was during the pandemic and so they gave me 90 day visa but I stayed for 8 months… I just had to pay the overstay fee.  I’m thinking I’ll probably be doing the similar amount of time this next time… so I was hoping to get the 180 days but I think I have to go to the Immigracions office to get it extended.  So I guess I will not be opening a bank account at this time.  So I’ll be working with western union again or even carry more cash with me to start.  I think I’ve said but it is cheaper to pay the western union fee by withdrawing larger amounts then to have limited low amounts to withdraw from an ATM.  Most of the locations I stay in Peru does not deal with cards… they deal with cash.. so again Western Union seems to work out best for me.  I did look into maybe applying for a religious worker visa but it says that this isn’t recommended to apply abroad and I know with my Spanish skills… it would be best to apply say here in the US with a Peruvian consulate instead of inside Peru.  That’s definitely something I want to engage in more as well… I want to learn Spanish more… lol… I had a video chat with one of my shamans today and I was laughing because it’s the first time in a year that I was trying to have a conversation with a Spanish only speaker.  I did alright.. but many words weren’t popping up into my head as easily or at all.. lol… ok.  So I think that covers this part for now.  What’s next? 

So… lol… I think I would go ahead and mention there are some aesthetics I would love to address… lol… mostly it would be my teeth.  I love my smile and I know I’d like to see if I can get the stains off my teeth… most people seem to not notice, because I continue to get compliments about my smile, but I know it’s something that if I had the extra money to partake in.. I would.  Let me see if I can find what I was looking into that looked interesting.  That’s it.. Primal Life Organics… They have a mouth makeover package. https://www.primallifeorganics.com/products/mouth-makeover-package It has a Dental Detox Kit it has two toothpowders for morning and nighttime brushing, gum drops, activated charcoal toothbrush, bamboo charcoal floors, copper tongue scraper, and a natural deodorant for a bonus… lol.. I love the charcoal tabs or gel from Lush and so I can see me liking their products too.  The package also includes the real white sonic toothbrush included it has “five brushing modes at up to 35,000 pulses per minute, providing a gentle but powerful plaque-busting and cleaning solution (including one for whitening and one specifically for sensitive gums).”  I’m not sure if this is necessary, but there does seem to be a stain on the top of a tooth near the gum line that seems hard for me to remove and so maybe it can help me remove it… lol.. and then the last item in the kit is the V4 LED Whitening System.. it has the red and blue light system to soothe gums, whiten teeth, and support mouth microbiome.  It says it’s “Free from peroxide, bleach, and chemicals, our whitening gel contains: hydroxyapatite - naturally occurring minerals in your teeth to make your teeth stronger.  PAP, a strong stain remover that won’t damage the enamel.  Soothing, whitening, and vitamin-rich olive oil.  Mineral-rich bentonite and diatomaceous earth clays strengthen your teeth and keep your gums healthy.  Cleansing and whitening essential oils help remove bacteria on gums and teeth, promote fresh breath, and whiten teeth.”  So yeah… this helps the overall health of my mouth along with whitening teeth… so I thought this might be something to invest in for myself.  There was actually something else I ran into but I don’t know if I can find it now…. Lol… I love natural as much as possible and I ran into an option that looked at an African tribe which has gorgeous teeth and awesome mouth health as the foundation in the research of creating this oral solution.  Let me see if I can find it real quick.  Ok… its the Wodaabe tribe.  I found it interesting looking into this before they have a festival where the men are trying to show their potential partners how beautiful and healthy they are especially by the mouth health but also they decorate themselves and even use makeup to look as attractive to the single women of the tribe… I think I looked up the person who wrote the article to see how I could witness this festival at one time…. I think that would be awesome.  But let me see if I can find that solution… well the plant that they use is called Miswak or the natural toothbrush.  I guess it’s more popular than I thought… lol.. I couldn’t find what I found before, but that’s something I might look into… but honestly… I’d rather go and visit the tribe and have them show me… lol… that sounds much more fun.  So I also would look into looking into my scalp too.  I’m not sure when it started but late twenties or thirties I started to get dandruff consistently.  I’ve actually had a few ceremonies where I addressed it briefly but I would like to see if I can visit a professional dealing with scalp help.  That would be a trichologist.  From WebMD https://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/what-is-a-trichologist, A trichologist is a specialist who focuses on trichologist - the study of diseases or problems related to the hair and scalp. As well as their treatments.  I saw they may want a urine sample from primary care specialist.  Which reminds me… I’d like to get a complete physical.  Again… with these messages I don t know if these messages I’m receiving is because I have an issue that I don’t know about.  This one right here is tricky for me.  I don’t have a primary care doctor… I don’t know if I could request lab results for myself… lol… well I took a look and there are options but I don’t know if this is necessary… at least not yet.  I’m not sure what the message was saying… but I think I can hope to have more ceremonies and dietas to continue to receive more messages for clarity.  When I did blood, urine, and stool samples in Peru… they were normal except for the common parasite.  So I feel there isn’t anything obvious or serious… so I can keep this in mind, but I think I can wait to determine if this would be necessary anyway.  I did see there were vitamins and nutritional test which would be interesting to look at and also the heavy metals and toxins testing might be interesting too.  But ok… going back to the aesthetics again… I know I’d like to work on my oral health and my scalp help.  I have the scars going on with my legs, but that doesn’t bother me really… not at this time.. I know with time this will fade.. lol.. I usually like my scars.. I always say these are my tattoos my natural tattoos… so maybe these could be my leopard leg tattoo… lol… I have thought about possibly looking into maybe skin care routine.  I haven’t had a skin routine and I’ve lucked out so far… but now that I’m in my forties maybe I should look into the future prevention… I just find it daunting to figure out what would work best for me at this time.  I feel eating healthy, getting enough sleep, keeping active can contribute to natural beauty while I age gracefully.  So that wouldn’t be something I would focus on unless I run into people who can recommend this to me.  When I look online there’s so much information and mostly they have these large routines with many steps… lol… and that just doesn’t look appealing to me… at least not yet.  So the last thing would possibly just getting a hair care routine to help my curls maybe.  I’d like to focus on my scalp primarily, but I think I could maybe look into a hair care routine focusing on bringing my curls to life.  I’d love for there to be more volume at my roots… I mentioned possibly entertaining a partial perm focusing on my roots.  I have a cousin who is a hair stylist I spoke with at the birthday party and she hasn’t done it.  She knows she’s heard of it, but she didn’t know how to make it really successful in her experience.  She said I can buy a small crimper and focus on my roots.  I figure it’s really not that big of deal… so maybe getting a little something something to maybe enhance my curls would be cool to give a try… again there is so many options… I might just have to ask women who has similar hair types as mine and ask them what they do.  Again it seems everything promotes so much lengthy time to take on doing hair… I can do a little I guess because I usually leave it alone for two to three days anyway… so it’s not like I’d be doing it everyday.  But ok… that would be what I’d like to do aesthetically.  What’s next? 

So… I feel for the next five years I’m going to be more nomadic then I’ve been before.  I feel that when I was trying to see if this is something I could live with… I found finding my own space has been the missing piece for my happiness and health.  I enjoy sharing space and the community style, but I also know… I love to have my privacy too.  And I know my little buddy, Elvis would love that as well.  So I’ve been thinking… I’ve gotten messages to return to Peru and visit Nepal… now I’ve gotten other messages that I’m going to be traveling around to find teachers… lol.. I believe I mentioned this before… but I was getting visions of different types of people in the time before going to sleep.  Geesh I’m not even sure if I kept that notebook… I was writing my visions and recording my dreams for two months… give or take.. but when I was purging I got rid of ton of stuff… I’m not sure if I still have it.. lol.. let me check real quick.  Hey! Yay.. I do still have it… it’s been awhile since I used it.. I had several journals that I got rid of all these years… it feels so good to purge that I get in the mode of get rid of it all… lol.. but I do have it.  In case we don’t know what I’m talking about… I’ll briefly talk about it again… well maybe briefly… lol.. but I started seeing images of people’s faces well.. mostly sometimes I would see there whole bodies… well actually now that I have this dream/vision journal maybe I can list what I have… may be interesting… They are just brief images… so the notes were brief.. so it starts with a man with long hair and glasses… looked over his shoulder talking about consciousness… a young girl with a braid in her hair… she’s maybe 8 years old… hmmm… there’s other little insights I was getting that I might mention too… I received, answer their questions… how do you meet these people?  Healing is your attitude… someone drinking water… feels like, stop worrying about what others think of you… it got an image where if a have more questions… I can possibly use tarot cards to get answers… a man pouring water over himself as he lowers himself in an ocean or a large body of water… how much does it cost? Some numbers like a chart…invisible movement… an older woman who is a little heavier set wearing a floral top and a sweater and black pants she has silver hair… I asked myself is the one of my grandmas… have you talked to my brother yet?  Speak with the teachers even if they’re hiding… I saw a man or a figure that was black and had stars all over him/her… who hid to the ground of a farm field.  I felt like there was a red barn in the background…. Do I need a car?  A man with long hair and tattoos on his face, he’s saying its not funny as he chuckles… a lady going up stairs… I woke up saying Tanzania… a man with long beard, mustache and longer hair, he might’ve been on a newspaper… there was a group sitting on a bench in front of a fire and one guy with a tobogán waved at me…. A female with a curly or wavy bob hair cut with silver hair, she gestured as if she was bowling but pointed at me instead… a man looks indigenous who’s is smoking a pipe but it looked like it was like a two tiered pipe and he was smoking… a naked woman with a petite body, she had black hair and was sitting on a couch and she was in the middle of a yawn… while we are family, doesn’t mean we won’t have our tiffs… seemed like an Asian squatting and looking to the left maybe… a video connected to a motion sensor and I’m’ drawing really fast, be detailed to understand… challenge yourself? To draw faster? A woman with pale skin and thin, she’s wearing a red halter dress, she’s sitting crossed legged, she has straight black hair little passed her shoulders with bangs… wearing a headband, her hair is full volumes and her face has sharp features…. Property I was looking up that was in Colorado which used to be a church camp… man with a toll, large wagon full of cans, he has a hat on and I think has a short beard… I said the word (EE-bee-ee-gee)… a little boy three or four years old, he’s possibly Asian or Hispanic descent, he has a round face felt like he was sitting between fabric… I’m open for guidance, I’m open to receive, I’m open to learn, and I’m open to remember… a two year old child with a headdress layer her head down she’s wearing blue clothing… man with a cowboy had and glasses turned his head to look towards me, maybe he had a bandana over his mouth… crying woman wiping her tears.. a medium sized man sitting on a stool with a buzzed hair cut maybe dishwater blonde with his mouth open showing his tongue and food, he was wearing a striped shirt with a collar and jeans… like I’m at a concert and a man is pumping his fist to the rhythm…expectar es muy importante (to expect or expectations are very important)… invisible friends… yes, I trust me… I’ve got bigger fish to catch… just let it go and let it flow… “Millen” as a tropenghar? An older woman with a teal sweater holding a golden retriever puppy, she was kissing it and holding him worried while I was approaching… ok that’s what I got… and these visions I was seeing from November 15th to January 29th.  So I don’t know whether these mean anything or not… lol.. if I received them in ceremony it would be a different story… lol… and I’m sure I’d have more time to digest the images as well and probably more hints to what they mean… but I feel possibly these are people I’m going to be looking for or meeting them casually… to me I feel they are going to be teachers for me in some way and I feel they are at a level of higher consciousness whom I’m interested in meeting and learning from… I can only assume they’ve been in this state longer than myself so maybe they can help guide me… I’m not sure but this is something i remember and I have in the back of my mind… so it’s something I want to explore.  So…how does this apply to a nomadic lifestyle and having privacy at times? 

I assume that I might have to have more freedom to be driving through countries.  I didn’t get any images of where these people live but I’m assuming they can be anywhere and because of how I am where I like to be on the scenic paths… where it’s not so well known and traveled.. that in this style of how I like to approach traveling will allow me to fall into amazing places, situations, and people… so I think it would be time to look for a vehicle. It’s something in my mind that similar to my cat… lol… I found out that I didn’t want to leave him behind anymore… and that’s the reason why I feel I haven’t been looking for a vehicle either… I’m not in one place for long periods of time so I thought it would be best to not invest into a car if I’m not using it most of the time.  I know I could let other people use it, but again… it just didn’t seem like the right step until now.  But I still uncertain because I haven’t traveled across country borders having a vehicle.  I know people do it, so it’s not like it’s impossible but I’m sure there is more planning to make this change.  I had once thought about driving to Peru before and I knew that I couldn’t drive all the way there… Between Panama and Colombia we’d have to go by boat… so that has discouraged before.  I know again that many people do it.. so it shouldn’t be too complicated… it’s just the whole Spanish thing that makes me worry a little.  I can always try to pay a friend to be my translator so it can go smoother, but again I know I want to be independent and able to communicate more in Spanish so I want to make that a priority.  Actually I’m going to jump around again… How to learn Spanish… so I hardly knew any words of Spanish before I left to Peru for the first time… lol.. I remember and probably still do.. I try to say good morning, good afternoon, and good evening.. but I would mix them up… lol… I wouldn’t realize I did it until after the people passed… let’s say I laugh at myself a lot because i know how crazy I sound when I try to talk to Spanish local speakers… lol.. I hope they realize if we were talking in English we’d be able to have a conversation, but since they don’t know English… I’m extremely limited in my communications… mostly it’s a lot of smiling and sign language or physical gestures to help communicate what I’m saying.. lol… and a lot of laughing… I try to use my phone translator but I realize that doesn’t do an accurate of job as I think it does… lol.. even the way I type in English doesn’t translate accurately to Spanish.  So most of my learning is throwing myself into enculturation by visiting without any priory study… lol.. it’s exciting and its frustrating… and I know I want to be better.  I’ve downloaded free language apps and through different library memberships I’ve tried programs like Rosetta Stone, but it’s not exactly what I’m looking for… but it has helped out a little.  I have a friend who gave my a Spanish workbook which I have now… I was diving deep into it but then I found myself getting to a point where I didn’t know if I was pronouncing it correctly… but I do find the workbook more helpful because it has several ways of approaching learning and I know I’m getting better but it still doesn’t help me have conversations.  So yeah… I ran into a new way to learn which I find interesting and maybe a good option would be virtual reality.  With a quick search there are two that looks like I would like to explore more… https://www.fluentu.com/blog/virtual-reality-language-learning/… Mondly or EmmerseMe… I need to look more into Mondly but I did like the fact it has around 30 languages and I watched a YT video on EmmerseMe and I liked the fact that I could learn with VR equipment but also with a computer and phone too… so yeah ideally I feel this could be a good supplementary option.  I have friends who speak both languages but we don’t have the same schedule and also they might really know how to teach language… so it would be nice to not only practice reading and writing, but hearing and speaking the language would be beneficial.  I’d like to look at the 30 different languages on Mondly because I know I’d like to learn Spanish, but I would also like to get some experience with Nepalese, Indian, Swahili, Portuguese, Japanese, and many more… because I’d love to travel and be able to communicate at least to some degree as I visit.  Ok let’s get back to vehicles…

I have been thinking about what type of vehicle I would like to have.  Now just to go ahead and mention that I’m thinking of a camper too.  Again depending where I go.. I can know that I’d like to visit natural landscapes and instead of camping in a tent… I’d like to have a camper.  I thought maybe driving a van, but I think it’s more appealing to be able to set a camper somewhere and have the freedom to drive without a kitchen and bed etc. with me.  Also when it comes to my little buddy.. I know I’ll be exploring when he just wants to chill so I want those options as we travel.  But let’s try starting with vehicles… by the way… lol.. I’ve driven a few of the newer cars out nowadays and I’m not used to all the bells and whistles.  I’ve had a car that was a 2001 and earlier.  I haven’t owned a vehicle any newer than that.  Now the car that my dad has is I think a 2008… which isn’t far off from what I’m used to.  But honestly… I didn’t have much money and when I needed to do repairs… I wanted to be able to actually afford to fix it on my own.  So my go to were older Toyota models.  I’ve actually replaced an engine with one of my cars… lol… I had a buddy who was into racing so he knew quite a bit about car engines but he was a bit older and large and so having me do most of the labor worked out great.  I thought I was going to have to label every piece we took apart but realized everything was color-coded and individually shaped that it wasn’t hard to place things back into place.  But with my size of hands and relative strength it was easy to take things apart and reassemble… lol… it only took a few hours in a few days to get her replaced.  I literally took an engine out a junk yard… she was a junk yard dog he called it.. so we didn’t even know if it was going to work, but it looked like it was crashed and trashed because of physical damage not because of it’s age… so we didn’t have any power tools… I was able to borrow a cherry picker, an engine hoist from my cousin and then we had to rent a large wrench from a car store but other then that… everything was done by hand.  Needless to say.. she purred when we got her back together again… so any who I really preferred engines that weren’t connected to a computer system so I could do the labor to get it back and running.  If my higher self wants to take care of me…I feel confident that if I have issues where I couldn’t do the work myself.. I’ll be able to take it into a shop to get the work done… so having a new vehicle would be cool.  So again I was thinking about not just traveling around the US… logically I can think where would I drive this vehicle… I can drive it up to Canada which I can assume has similar vehicle brands but again I know I’m going to be heading to the jungle in Peru… what do they drive there?  Mostly they drive tuk-tuks but I’ve seen cars there and I see a lot of Toyotas…. So I figured if I go with another Toyota… if I happen to run into any issues again… I should be able to get the parts and a mechanic in those areas.  I kind of like the styles of Jeeps, but one of my best girlfriends had a Jeep wrangler and she had so many issues with it and it was expensive repairs… she said she wouldn’t recommend a jeep.  I like the style but yeah I think Toyota is what I’ll start with… I’ve had success with them even though they were smaller cars… I’m looking for a SUV this time.  What I did like when I was looking at Jeeps was the fact that they had an option to have a solar charge option when in remote areas… I haven’t seen that advertised so far with a Toyota, but I can look into that more later.  So there are two that I’m leaning towards.. the RAV4 and the 4Runner.  The RAV4 has so much better gas mileage that I’d really try to work with it, but the trailer packages are limited in weight.  Now the camper that I’ve been looking into is small and lightweight so it should work, but I feel I need to do a little more research.  I like the size and the concept but I’m not sure if it’s exactly what I’m looking for.  The camper I’m eyeing is the Happier Camper… I don’t think it’s really designed for long stays of being remote so I’m sure there can be modifications to add to it.  I also liked the Armadillo up in Canada.  They both are similar in size… I’d be able to park them in one park spot… the weight of the Happier camper is around 1100 lbs and they said all loaded up would be around 1500 lbs… which is pretty light weight considering, I guess… lol… when it comes to the Armadillo… I can’t remember what the weight is… wait a second… ok is’t approximately 1800 lbs… so not much difference but that looks like it’s dry weight.  There’s benefits for the both of them… in my opinion… when it comes to the Happier Camper HC1  https://happiercamper.com/pages/hc1-travel-trailer, so not only is it super light weight and can be towed with most standard cars.  But it’s really flexible when it comes to the interior which peaks my interests.  It’s a small space and so when I want to sleep there are times that I’d love to have almost the entire interior transform into a huge bed.  If I am wanting to eat or even work on projects I can make a table and benches.  I can move everything around if I wish to.  It’s called the Adaptiv system. ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES ADAPTIV® COMPONENTS Change up your layout at any moment by pairing our unique Adaptiv floor grid with our system of modular components. With Adaptiv, you can instantly adjust the interior of your travel trailers to suit your needs. The modular components are made from durable materials and can be easily rearranged, stacked, and used outdoors.  It’s indoor and outdoor materials… so I can arrange outdoor seating and indoor seating depending what I need at the time.  Plus I like the fiberglass construction… QUALITY CONSTRUCTION The HC1 is made with 100% fiberglass double hull handcrafted shells, honeycomb fiberglass floor grid, custom hardware, and custom durable components. Fiberglass exhibits less expansion and contraction due to heat or cold than alternative materials, it's flexible, and has a remarkably high strength-to-weight ratio. This means our fiberglass lightweight campers are designed and built to last generations.  So if I get it really messy… say dirt of paint or whatever… I can remove the cubes and hose it down… it already has a drain to help with this…lol… So in theory I think I would enjoy this.  The things that are not as convenient which is why there’s a difference in the Armadillo to this option is.  There’s a nesting sink with the capabilities to have a refrigerator drawer at the bottom, there’s like a compost toilet, and then no bathing area… again for me… I think that would be ok except the bathing area… I know I can grab a shower head or hose to bathe… but my damn soak in the tub that I am dying for… lol… how can I do that.. actually I couldn’t do that with either option.  I know I’d still be willing to rent rooms from hotels and airbnb’s still so I can always get ones with bathtubs.. lol.. but i have looked into portable tubs.  I was thinking possibly I can get a water storage and place it on top of the vehicle maybe and then use gravity to fill up the portable tub.  how to heat it… I can always prepare a fire and tote pots back and forth… I don’t need all the water to be boiled… and I’d probably like to do it maybe once a week if I can… lol… but I was thinking trying to store most of my stuff in the vehicle or on the vehicle to help with the weight of the camper… I don’t really want to take too much with me anyway.  But let’s go back to the Armadillo now.. to be honest… there’s one feature on the Armadillo that I love… and I wonder if I can pay someone to custom make one for the HTC1… I bet I could find someone.  I wish I knew how to weld… ohhh… i know a friend in Indiana who’s a welder… i bet she would do it for me too… hmmm… that is very possible actually… but anyway there’s this underneath storage drawer they have… it looks really handy, maybe that’s not necessary but I could at least look into it to see if it’s possible of not.  With the Armadillo it’s more like a standard camper with kitchen and bathroom and fixed furniture… it looks really similar to the HC1 actually… I think I’d go ahead a check out the HC1s that are for sale right now.  Many are found on FB marketplace… I could go and visit the owners and ask questions… shoot they may even let me take her for a spin for the night to see if we make a fit or not.  There’s a little larger Happier Campier but I just don’t think the extra space is necessary… I think if I need extra space then I would use the outdoors or literally rent another space… especially when it comes to my little buddy… many places aren’t cat friendly and if he can stay in the camper for a few days… it’s not like I won’t visit with him, but it would open up more options for me to rent.  Lol… I could literally design him his little apartment when I’m not staying with him… there’s a lot of windows and I can set it up so he can look out of them..lol… I could get a little baby monitor if he stars crying for attention… lol… who knows…he’s my baby so I might just have to do that… lol.. but yeah I think that would be a good start to have more freedom to have more privacy for myself and Elvis.  But there’s the whole boat thing in Panama… let’s take a look at that real quick.  

So there’s options… Ideally I would love to take my vehicle and camper with me, right… and honestly I have been thinking about explore the Americas more than I have thus far.  So taking  my time to go through Mexico and Central America… I know there are a few friends I’d like to visit in South America too.  I’ve got a buddy in Brazil and a girlfriend in Argentina… lol.. there’s actually a chef in Chile I believe I would love to visit too… just to see if I can find his information… it’s been so long that maybe I’m making it up by now… lol… hell yeah… I didn’t make it up… but he’s not in Chile… he’s in Patagonia, Argentina… everyone might know of him… lol.. I live in my little bubble so I remember someone showing me how he cooks over a fire and I wanted to learn.  I keep thinking how to incorporate my experiences with skills I’ll need to learn for an expedition.  I should be sleeping in a tent… lol… but I’ll wait for that for now… I know the tent I want to get is huge and it would be tricky for one person to setup… well the tent would be larger than my camper and vehicle together… lol… but anyway… we’ll be cooking over the fire mostly and I like to treat the people I’m with… I’m sure I’ll restrict the diet a bit.. but maybe we can have special dinners where we have a feast over an open-fire.. that will be entertaining and scrumptious… https://satopiatravel.com/experience/hosted-experience-by-francis-mallmann-patagonia/  Let’s see what it says: 

“You don’t grow on a secure path. All of us should conquer something in life and it needs a lot of work and it needs a lot of risk. In order to grow and to improve, you have to be there a bit at the edge of uncertainty”

— FRANCIS MALLMANN — 

A few times a year, Francis Mallmann opens his treasured Patagonian island home to host guests for a magical stay at “La Isla”. This is an unforgettable culinary journey with the ultimate Fire-Cooking experience. A journey led by Latin America’s top chef, in one of the most remote corners of Patagonia will guarantee to be a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

La Isla is a tiny snowy island that you could walk around in less than an hour and it is where Mallmann filmed his Netflix episode of Chef’s Table. The island is remote, lending to the idea to come here mainly to disconnect from today’s busy lives and have magical dining experiences of open-fire cooking, designed and executed personally by your host Francis Mallmann.

Whether on a frozen lake, a forest or a shore surrounded by the magical landscapes of Patagonia, chef Mallmann creates unique outdoor dining experiences for his guests. Experience daily open-fire cooking lessons, over custom made fire pits for 5 days with Francis personally.

It is here in Patagonia where Francis Mallmann connected with his roots and mastered the traditional Gaucho outdoors open-fire cooking, surrounded by the great outdoors and the majestic Andes Mountains.

Francis describes: “There are so many details because it’s such a fragile thing to cook with fires. People think it’s a beastly thing, it’s a manly thing… But it’s not! it’s extremely fragile.”

I saw five days of cooking lessons with the chef present.  There’s a private group option too… This might be a possibility for group training for the expedition… I know several who would love to go and learn… lol.. this could be incentives for the two I want to go who I’m going to have to work a little harder and more patiently to get on board… my brother is one… lol… The website Satopia travel… was interesting there were different opportunities and they are very interesting… I would love how to cook better and I kind of looking for different approaches especially for this expedition… we’ll have limited means and I want it to still be delicious and beautiful… lol… I love presentation if I can help it.  I remembered I’d only make beautiful presentations mostly for guests I’d have for dinner… and then I thought… I love beautiful food… why do I have to wait for guests… lol..  I can do that for myself too.  Not that it’s beautiful every time but I do make attempt to present it in an appetizing way… I know my knowledge in the kitchen is limited and I love food… so traveling and eating and dancing has always been top of my list.  

Ok to get back to the my point if I do decide to take the vehicle and camper with me across to say Colombia or somewhere in South America then I’d be able to continue to explore before Peru and after if I wanted to.  I don’t know if I saw a ship from Peru to Panaman, but I’m sure there’s options Lima’s along the coast so I’m sure they could be something to look into.  Hell I don’t mind using my imagination.. I even thought if I should buy a boat.  It would have to be big enough to haul my stuff, but I would love to learn how to be on the ocean… I feel probably not in the near future but sometime in the future I’ll be on a sail boat maybe traveling to islands for maybe a year would be pretty awesome… but yeah I’d love to learn more about the ways of the waters and how to drive a boat.  The thing about getting a boat in Panama I’d have to go around the north eastern part of South America to enter the mouth of the Amazon River… granted it would be really cool, but I feel that trip would probably take longer than I’d want… I know traveling down from Iquitos to Pucallpa will already take awhile… I’m not sure I’d be ready to do a month trip or longer yet… lol… But I want to start in Iquitos when I return to Peru.  I’m going to have to look at it again, but I believe I have to enter by air or water… I don’t think I can drive into the city… let me double check but I remember people telling me that and I tell others.. so hopefully it’s true… lol… let’s check.  So yes that is the case… let me double check if I’d even be allowed to take a car to Iquitos…. Lol.. ok so it seems I would be able to… but I forgot there was so details about the rules on how to import vehicles into Peru… I was looking at a shipping company and it started listing things required to import a car into Peru which would be a good reminder for me.  https://www.a1autotransport.com/ship-car-to-iquitos/  it says: 

Documentation Needed to Import to Peru.

Before you begin importing, you will need to provide some documentation first. This is important for the verification of the vehicle and the owner at the National Customs Superintendency of Peru . You will need to fill out a Unique Customs Declaration form and provide the following documentation:

Proof of vehicle identification number, Bill of Lading, Registration of the vehicle, Type - Approved Number, Invoice of purchase, Insurance policy.

There are a few rules and regulations you should also know about that could restrict your import:

No cars older than 5-years old can be imported or with more than 50,000 miles, You will be required to pay 10% tax on new vehicles and 30% tax on older vehicles, You will be required to pay 0% to 11% import duty to Peru ( 5.78% is average), VAT is levied on all imports with the standard rate of 16% on the value of the vehicle, the duty paid, and the excise and tariff charges, Excise is only charged on some products at a rate of 0% to 50% of the value of the vehicle and the duty paid, Cannot be damaged or in any major accident, Must have the right-hand drive, The car has to pass the emission test before it can be shipped.

Since it's not possible to drive from the United States to Peru, importing it through sea-faring cargo ships may be the only way to get your vehicle there. A1 Auto Transport can put their 25 years of expertise to work for you in shipping your vehicle to Peru.

You will need to prepare your vehicle for importing. In order to do that, you need to steam clean your vehicle first. This will prevent it from being quarantined and keep your import process on time. If you don't, your vehicle will most likely go into quarantine and then be sent to a cleaning facility so they can steam clean it. Not only will these extra steps take more time but you will be charged for the cleaning as well. You can view the procedure for importing before you begin. You will also need to drain the air conditioning gasses from your vehicle. You can refer to Title 19 of the U.S. Code of Federal Regulations for further information.

This isn’t impossible but it does make me question if I’m technically importing or not… lol… I’m just traveling through.. Ok… this makes more sense… I’m not importing the car to sell or anything I just want to use it so I found on a site what it takes to travel through Peru.  It’s not a government site but this makes much more sense… I know I met people visiting from neighboring countries and they drove their own vehicles… I’m sure none of them had to fill out importing paperwork… vocabulary I’m not really familiar with… I don’t have to deal with import/export thingies… lol… https://amazingtripideas.com/can-you-drive-to-peru/#:~:text=Can you Drive in Peru,ownership and proof of insurance. It says: 

Can you Drive in Peru?

You can drive in Peru as long as you’re 18 years old, hold a valid driving licence in your home country and have an international driving permit. If you’re bringing your own vehicle, you’ll also need to have your vehicle registration documents / proof of ownership and proof of insurance. 

It is possible to drive to Peru from the U.S. via Central America and Colombia and Ecuador. However there is a caveat; you can only cross between Panama and Colombia by shipping your car on a freight ship. The border region between the two countries is known as the Darién Gap and is an impenetrable area of jungle with no through roads. There’s more information in our driving to South America blog post. Aside from this one break, you can follow the Trans-American Highway all the way from Alaska to the southern tip of South America. 

Ok that makes me feel better, but I still don’t know how to get my vehicle to Iquitos… I thought maybe since Iquitos is the northern point of my trip in Peru… that’s where I’d be coming in by land or boat… I think no to the boat at this time… When I’m in Panama I’d take a shipment to Colombia, Brazil, or Peru… I think the Colombian route is the most common.  I have to go ahead and have the proper documents needed for each country I might or might not drive through and have them handy and available.  I knew that’s what I’ll have to do for bring my little buddy Elvis with me.  Each country has their requirements with pets and so I’ll have to be ready to provide those documents as we travel.  Ok… so… would I need my car and camper with me in Iquitos?  No not really, it would be really nice again to have the privacy and freedom, but I could see me traveling normally with my buddy and I together… but where would I store my vehicle and camper?  Ideally I would store it with my buddy in Brazil… I trust him completely to take care of my stuff… the only problem I can see with that is the whole entry and re-entry into Peru right now.  The tourist visas are expecting a single entry per year… not like Australia… so… if I enter Peru through Iquitos with my stuff in Brazil… I’d like to use my stuff everywhere else in Peru but it would be tricky to get permission to re-enter into Peru… so I would need to find a place to store my vehicle and camper in Peru instead of Brazil… hmmm…. I have a buddy I trust too… he’s staying with his family at the outskirts of Lima… so at least it’s not downtown or anything.  they have kiddos who would probably enjoy using the camper while it’s there….and my friend and his family could use the vehicle too while I’m gone.  There would be also the friends I have in Yarinacocha I would trust to take care of my stuff.  I could probably park my camper inside the restaurant and they could use it for kids to play around in… and might even use the furniture for extra seating.  My vehicle I could give to them to use too… actually the owner can use it, but I also know there are many travelers who visit and they might be interested in using the car to get around the city.  Hmmm…. Either would work really, but I think to start it off… let me look at the map again.  Ok actually if I take it to Lima… that would take me further south than I want to be.  It would be best to get it shipped to Colombia and then I can drive through Ecuador and into Peru… I actually have a few friends in Tarapoto who I trust who would watch my stuff… he doesn’t need my vehicle though.. he rides his motorbike… hmmm…  I’ve got shamans who I’ve worked with who might be able to use the car while I’m gone… This is the city I’d like my dad to visit… there was a great group of retirees from the States I found here who were thriving in their retirement… I really thought he should meet them.  So I do want to visit them, but I don’t know if this is the time… I think I would drive to Pucallpa right off the back then.  I would go ahead and drop it off there and I know a few options but I know they would appreciate it and that would be probably the most use it can get.  There might be other times that I might have to leave it there… if I don’t get a boat… then when I travel to the village and also if I want to go to Contamana for a visit.   Technically if I buy a boat I’d like to leave it for the village to use anyway… so if I purchase on it would be around Pucallpa where I would want to purchase it.  Hmm… could I purchase a boat and travel up the river with everything to Iquitos?  Hmm… I think that is an option still… lol… i wouldn’t need to leave it anywhere and take it with us… lol.. I would love to have the camper for Elvis honestly… I know we can deal with it, but we’re using our imagination here… and ideally I want my little guy to be a little kitty king… lol.. I know exactly where I’d park the boat… my buddy again who I trust has a retreat that’s in a village out in the middle of nowhere… the kids can enjoy the camper… if I do the mapacho diet… I’d have to see if I can set it up to bring my camper to the shamans location for my buddy… and actually my friend who was the facilitator who referred me to the shaman I can allow him to use my vehicle while I’m in dieta… I have a few friends actually… man I could let them know I would have a vehicle coming and setup maybe a schedule so they can share it?  Shoot the dieta would be only a week or two long… the only thing is I do think Iquitos’ drivers are more wild… so maybe that wouldn’t be ideal.. just trying to take care of it and protect it in the city would be tough… most of my friends I really would prefer to keep it at would be in the villages not in the city.  Honestly my gut would like to use the vehicle to drop of the camper at the dieta location so Elvis and I can use it… but then store the vehicle and boat at my friends place in the village.  They wouldn’t be used during that time… I’d have to secure a cover over it and pay someone to watch it for me… lol… but… hmmm…. Actually there’s someone I trust in the neighboring village… lol… that village is in a cove and not along the main Amazon River… maybe that would be the safest place to store it.  Most of the village is looking at the beach so we won’t get anyone trying to steal anything in that community and I’m sure they could use some extra money to help store and watch for me.  Hmmm… I’ll have to see… my buddy who has the retreat is actually here in the States visiting… I don’t even know when he’ll return to Peru… he has his employees looking after things while he’s gone.  Ok… there’s definitely options.  Even if I decide to fly into Iquitos… that’s still on the table too.  I also want to do a second dieta while I’m in Iquitos… there’s a shaman outside in a village who I would like to do dieta with, but after the mapacho.  I would actually try to see if his son could join us too.  His son works in Chile right now but he comes to do his dietas… and so maybe we can work it out to work together with his dad.  I still don’t know who I’m going to be working with… and I’d be interested to see how they are in ceremony together.  I know the style of his dad wasn’t necessary the style I liked.. only because I actually felt like I was a sick patient which normally isn’t the case.  It might not be his father’s fault.. it was probably all me.  I know he was the one who sucked out the negative energy and I found myself doing the same thing in others… So I can give him another chance.  I’ve done double the ceremonies and a lot of integration since we shared ceremony last… what I did three ceremonies with him… he would’ve been 14, 15, 16th ceremony… so yeah he’s had time to progress too.  Again ideally I’d love to have my little camper with me to stay in and Elvis has a comfortable spot too.  I know I’d love to get the experience with a boat… and taking a five day trip to get there… maybe staying maybe six weeks to ten weeks… and then coming back stopping in Contamana… that would awesome… the only thing is I don’t really know anyone in Contamana except that college student who referred me to visit.  We don’t really know each other… I could see if we’d be able to find people to help, but I’d also be willing to fly there too… again I know I’d like to share this with my friend who wanted to join me last time in ceremony.  That reminds me… we can use the vehicle to get to Sacred Valley and to be able to really travel around would be ideal… there’s so many ruins and locations that aren’t the easiest to get to.  I’ll have to look it up again, but I’d like our central base to be Urubamba… well… maybe we wouldn’t need a central base… ohhh… lol… there’s a lot of good people I’ve met in Peru as I traveled.  The family that owns their business of making wool and knitting and selling their goods… I cannot think of their town right now… but that would be a great location to have our setup…and in case we need to store our vehicle or camper that would be the spot.  The only reason why I say that is to get into Aguas Calientes to visit Machu Pichu we have to either hike or go by train… we wouldn’t be able to drive in.  Oh man I remember this couple I stayed with too who would be an ideal candidate to stay with too… and honestly there’s going to be plenty of options.  I know people in Cusco but again I don’t really want to stay in city… I’m ok with visiting but to stay the night… I don’t know I’ll have to accommodate my guests.. lol… the streets are narrow and a lot of them brick.. and if I’m hauling a camper… would not be my first choice to stay there.  There’s just too many other towns which are just as pretty but way more laid back and peaceful.  Ohhh my goodness… I just remembered Arequipa… lol… and that reminded me of little Charlie… oh my goodness… could I pick him up?  I wonder how he and Elvis would do together… they eventually got along… I don’t know if it’s time for Charlie yet… but I can at least stop and say hello to friends and especially Charlie… lol… I’d love to have this cat as my little buddy too.  But honestly I thought it would be when I had a more permanent home setting.  I don’t know… I could probably pull it off… lol.. i know there’s restriction on how many pets I can bring when I’m flying, but if I’m not flying I don’t think there’s a restriction for having two… as long as i have the proper paper work… hmmm…. Just entertaining the thought… they’d get a lot of up close and personal time together right off the bat… lol… we’d be living on the road.  he would be picked up after all the dietas.

There’s a lot of gaps but I did get a few of my questions answered in my head and this will help me ponder a little more on options… but I’m not sure how traveling this much will take on me.  I feel I’ll be staying long periods of time that it won’t be that bad.  I didn’t know if I should just go ahead and go around South America if I have a vehicle.  There’s so much to see… and I can finally go to Buenas Aires… I’ve got a friend who lives right outside the city… I’m sure I can arrange staying at her place or somewhere… I think she has quite a bit of family around.  I actually met her on my ceremonies 14, 15, and 16th with the shaman outside of Iquitos.  She wasn’t drinking Aya with us in ceremony… she was doing dieta and i think she was with him for at least a month if not more.  The crazy thing about her is we became FB friends… and we noticed we had a mutual friend who lives in Italy.  We both was telling him happy birthday and noticed we both knew him… I was shaking my head.. and I asked her how do you know him?  She was laughing and said he’s a really close family friend… I’ve known him all my life… she asked how I knew him?  And I said he was my airbnb host when I was visiting Florence… small world… lol… actually if I return to Italy… I would stay with him again.. he was fascinating.. he was a storyteller.. have I mentioned I met two professional story tellers… I feel like I might’ve mentioned that already…lol… geesh it feels like I’m telling my whole life story in here.. lol.. but I have more to imagine, but I think it’s a good time to break… get some rest and see what kind of dreams if any I run into tonight… ok until next time.  

[withinUverse]

Ok… so there was something triggering in the back of my mind when it came to a vehicle.  I automatically thought to get something that I would normally be comfortable with… I thought midsize SUV… but then I was thinking possibly I’m missing something.  I don’t think I was thinking too far ahead.  First it came up when I was thinking about how to not haul a small camper, but how to haul excavating equipment and also if I’m going to have a horse… I’ll need to be able to haul a horse trailer right.  So the SUV probably won’t be what I should be looking at right now.  I’m thinking possibly a truck would be more of what I’m looking for.  Ok… I was checking it out and of course there are options… when I was looking at the toy hauler campers… I didn’t look too long, but of course I’m wondering if I should customize… but really I’d just like to get a basic toy hauler with windows maybe possible a pop-out bed on the side… but I don’t really care about the built in kitchen… I’d rather get the adaptive system like the happier campier.  I’m sure they sell the system packages without purchasing the camper.  If I wanted extra pieces then I’d just purchase more, correct… lol… yeah I’d think so.. goodness I’m coming with different ideas… hmmm… maybe I do work with the equipment that I’ve been looking at for the expedition too… lol.. so I’ve got many ideas of what’s needed but maybe there is some that I can try to incorporate into this, because I really don’t know what would be comfortable and portable… again I cannot tell you how unknown all this is to me… that’s why I was overwhelmed… lol.. I wish I knew more but I want to try different items that I think would work… lol.. i can imagine so let’s see where it goes.  Geesh do I start listing things i was looking at?  Maybe that’s a direction I can do right now… and see if this helps me.  When I’m looking at the options that are already out there is good, but I don’t know if it’s beneficial to the larger picture of what I want to accomplish.. not sure if that makes sense, but let’s go ahead and see what I had looked at.  

First thing I was thinking is the sleeping quarters in the expedition… I know there’s a group that’s going and I also know that ceremonies are involved so I thought of a large tent.  Let me see if I can find the one I was looking at.  I was originally looking at a large bell tent.  And I remember the first choice was the Avalon Bell tent 20 feet  https://whiteduckoutdoors.com/products/avalon-bell-tent-20?variant=26429664034916&currency=USD&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&gad=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw6cKiBhD5ARIsAKXUdyZLfmtC_NMTQ0WQlRMzJ4ENARIFa28zhVXSAAdskQ-3ZB-DDNHm-vEaAi8pEALw_wcB… this said the capacity would be ten.  I saw some sleeping options that might be able to condense down the floor space that might even be able to allow more people too.  But let’s stay on the tent first… for some reason I don’t think this is the one I was looking at because i remember the one I was looking at had two entrances which I thought would be beneficial… let’s see if I can find it.. there’s an Avalon bell tent at 23 feet which might be better, but again it’s only one entry.. let me see if i can find alternative options.. so there a Sibley 800 https://www.canvascamp.com/en_us/sibley-800-protech-double-door?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic which is 26 feet and the capacity is now 20 people.  It has two doors.  When it comes to ceremonies… I figured having two doors would be ideal if people want to exit for the restroom or to get some air.  I didn’t see if they had any stove jacks.  Ok they do not and the Avalon 23’ has two… so I’d still be leaning towards the Avalon… living in the mountains in Colorado… it gets chilly at night so I’m sure that’s just a mountain thing… lol… so I planned on dealing with stove jacks and honestly I feel adding a fire into ceremony will be really nice.  I know I’ve done smaller ceremonies outside by the fire and it’s awesome… so I think that would add to the experience of ceremony actually.  Hmmm… let me look at the Avalon a little more… for some reason I thought they had an option with two doors… I’m not sure where I found it before… but I like the water proof and fire proofing they offered… I did see the Sibley had some nice awnings to look at though too.  Ok it’s time to get out of that search for now… lol… I sent an email to the White Duck Outdoors… I really do remember the two door bell tent and I wanted to see if that was an outdated design or something… lol… it doesn’t hurt to ask.  So I’ve already looked this stuff up before but I thought maybe I can give a little information about White Duck Outdoors… their why choose us section is a brief statement that helps give why I’m looking to work with them:

We’re consistently investing in our people, customers, product research and sustainability efforts to transform the way you experience the outdoors. We don’t hold back on functionality when developing our extensive range of outdoor gear, while ensuring that our processes are environmentally conscious and products are built to last.

At White Duck Outdoors, we use our proprietary DYNADUCK fabric across our entire tent range. DYNADUCK is 100% double-fill army duck cotton canvas, treated with a PFC-free, fire water repellent, mold & UV resistant finish. This makes our tent range the most durable and comfortable canvas tents in the industry.

And I checked out the file tents… they seem pretty interesting I’ll keep them in mind too.  So different areas I was thinking is what we started with.. the sleeping quarters.. and so just to continue with that real quick I say these bunk bed style cots… let’s see if I can find them again… lol.. got ‘em… ok the Disc-O-Bed system… http://www.discobed.com/adults/ again I wanted to maximize the space but also I wanted to use an alternative solution to air mattresses.  If were out in the mountains and someone pops a leak… I’d hate for that to happen… and this solution seems really great.  Let’s see what it says: 

Disc-O-Bed’s patented modular disc system is built for durability and comfort and real world-tested by the Red Cross, U.S. Army and FEMA.

Modular in design, the tool-free assembly of the Disc-O-Bed is a breeze. Pack up is easy, the cots can be quickly disassembled and stored in the included compact carry bag.

Compared to other cots on the market today, you’ve got room to move with a longer and wider (35”) sleeping surface and an impressive 500 lbs weight tolerance (per single cot).

With no center bar, the Disc-O-Bed is more convenient than an air mattress and less expensive than an uncomfortable pull out sofa.

Use as a bunk, or two single cots at night and when the sun comes up, convert the bunk into a sitting bench. Ideal for both indoor and outdoor use.

I know when I found this I really thought it would be an option to really look into.  For now it seems most of the participants on this expedition are going to be males the 2XL option would be ideal to make it as comfortable as possible for everyone.  I’m hoping most are willing to bunk up, but it can be separated to two separate cots just in case… and we can used it as couches outside too… yeah I like they come flat with carrying cases.  They have storage included and there’s space under the cots to put shoes or more storage if necessary.  

Now I can see me getting at least this bunk cot to give it a go… and I also can see how people fit into it and see if it’s really something to use.  I was looking into possible getting mats to put on them too… they’re not really for sleeping primarily they would be for ceremonies.  It’s not necessary, but I do enjoy being comfortable for ceremony.  Maybe we could use the cots but not in bunk layout… single layout… I’m just not sure everyone would be able to fit that way.  And when it’s time for bed it would be nice to just easily go and get to sleep.  hmmm… we won’t be doing ceremony like every night or anything… so we wouldn’t need to worry about using the mats that often… in fact I feel if we don’t use them much maybe I can just forget about it… maybe even just like a yoga mat?  I’m not sure how the terrain is going to be but maybe having that little layer might be a little more desirable then nothing… not a huge deal, but I do think about the details.. 

So what are the other areas… well wait I did mention the fire jacks in the tents.  So yes I’m planning on bring some type of wood burning stove or maybe two since the 23 foot has two… that can help distribute heat more evenly.  This always gets me tho think about fire proofing the floors not only around the stoves, but I again know in ceremony many will want to engage in smoking mapacho so having a mat or carpet or something underneath the area where we will be sharing ceremony will be needed.  

I haven’t hiked in the mountains in Nepal and I really don’t know what the terrain I’d be dealing with… I can only assume from what I deal with in the Rockies… oh goodness.. lol… I think I need a break… I’m getting a bit overwhelmed thinking of every little detail, but I think I can grab a hold of some basics that I know I’ll be working with and incorporate them slowly into the process… again I feel the more I experience especially ceremony the more I can get a better grasp onto finding answers.  I know I’ll want to visit Nepal well before the expedition and I know I’ll get a better understanding.  I’m getting hungry so I’ll take a break to eat supper.  Most likely I’ll be back again.. but I’m not sure where I’ll begin my focus.  

[withinUverse]

Lol… I can really get into this and do a lot of research because I just really don’t know what available options are out there.  So I did look some things up before coming back to the Journal… I went into questioning if I’d really want to tow a trailer or not… since I hadn’t really thought about getting a truck yet I started to look up truck bed options.  So there are actual bed truck campers and they look really nice… there was one which I thought looked really nice, but it might be too much for me.  That’s another thing that is sticking out to me… is really being able to use what is being purchased… I’d want to make sure it’s not a purchase that will be a one and done type of purchase… and also making sure to purchase quality.  But I’ll go ahead and share the link in case people are interested… there were two that drew my eye… the Cirrus 820 truck camper or the Kimbo.  I realize if I start traveling in this way.. I will travel around the US, through Mexico, into Central America and at least the northwest of South America.  I’m open to continue traveling the entire continent of South America, but I also feel I’ll have to feel it out after ceremonies.  I know I want to continue having these messages being my direction and focus, but it’s not what people may think it’s going to come into play.. it just never seems to be that way for me… again… I can say I’m going to work on the excavation first but… I know I’m going to be working at all the visions at once and then some really… I’ll be learning and meeting people to build relationships decades away at any moment… lol… it just doesn’t happen linear at least in my experience.  So again.. I have a feeling that it might take five years to get to the expedition… shoot there’s been so much that I’ve changed in the last five years… and where I am now… I can see there is every opportunity to set this up and more… lol… but the fact is… it really doesn’t matter what I think the timing will be… it may be sooner or it may be later… This is a big vision and I am attracting people and people are attracting me… and that in my mind should take some time to align… So I like to plan but it’s very loosely planned… I definitely allow for surprises and unexpected events… it happens to me all the time and I welcome them.  Again… going back to the chess game.. I may be able to say the me who is experiencing can look at say five moves ahead… while my higher self… already knew when I was going to put myself into checkmate… and already knew what plays were needed to be played to set myself up… not in a bad way but in a good way… lol… but anyway I also looked into possibly to pitch a tent in the back of the truck bed too.  I know I don’t need much but I am kind of curious how it would be like to live a life towards luxury… lol… there are things that I might do from time to time that I would consider luxury items.. like for me buying this IPad and my IPhones were definitely luxury items.  There was an adventure I did in the Sacred Valley which was an over-night trip where we rock-climbed up into these mostly clear pods mounted on the side of the mountain where we had a wonderful meal… slept and woke up to the sunrise in the aerial view.. it was really breath-taking and it was so cool to see how they constructed it… that’s what I’d love to do is work on projects were people will show me how to build.. lol… but the next morning we had breakfast and then we zip-lined down to the ground again.  It was Skylodge.  And actually when I travelled to Italy I thought that was a luxurious step for me too… but anyway… I love to imagine but when I really start to think about it… It’s really just a safe way to say possible desires… I keep distance from it.  I don’t want to keep distance from it… but I also know I’m speaking to myself and others maybe listening or reading… whatever… and again I want to make them feel comfortable too.  If I say I’m looking for things i want to manifest into my experience… might not be taken as well as let’s imagine the possibilities.  When I say let’s imagine… I can see it’s allowing me space or distance to doubt.  And if I say that I’m looking for things to manifest in my experience… then I step closer to being honest with my desires… yeah.. makes sense.  And again I’m ok if the things I manifest aren’t exactly these things, but my feelings and emotions towards these things are being observed and recorded and I know I’m going to continue experiencing these emotions in whatever form they choose to show itself.  Right I’ve looked into doing this before with a sense of lack… and I just feel like I don’t want to have that anymore.  Even though I don’t want it doesn’t mean I cannot observe the tendency still fluttering in my mind… and I guess the first thing is to notice it’s there and know that I’m creating a different mindset… When I travel… I want reliable vehicles and I’d like to be comfortable when I’m sleeping and hanging out.  I know I can live and deal with less then those requirements, but I don’t have to continue to do that forever.  I already know I like to challenge myself… so I know I want to start planning the expedition so I’ll see how to prepare for it.  I guess since I really don’t know the options available.. and I also don’t know exactly when… there’s new technology being designed and created.. so maybe trying to plan too soon might not be the best approach.  There are already things I know I want to start practicing on now that doesn’t involve material things… increasing my spiritual practices.  I keep thinking about the large tent… lol.. and really I’d love to learn how to design and make my own… or collaborate with someone who knows and is familiar with tent design.  It might not be what happens… but darn it… that’s how I think… I’d love to learn how to do it… or even learn how to modify so the modifications continue to be quality and safe modifications.  That’s why I would like to travel to who knows where… because I love to learn so much and I know I can find people who can teach me… of course we’ll be teaching each other in our own ways… but again… when I’m learning it all connects to different areas.  So what am I feeling right now.  I feel when I do my roadtrip… That I would like to have the truck… I’d like to have a truck bed camper… and I’d like to get a pocket motorcycle to ride… lol… yes I looked up a beginner’s bike… lol.. now a part of me is like… it’s not going to be that hard to pickup riding a motorcycle… but another part of me… is why don’t I just make it easy for myself for now… especially if I’m traveling in places I’m not familiar with… the easier I can help myself then the better.  Once I get the hang of it I can upgrade to a large one.  So I found two that I liked as a starter… and again.. I feel I would put a lot of use into them… and I know I’d be able to finde people who would want to use it when I upgrade… lol… or if I upgrade.. I just might like these… lol.. but one is yeah considered a pocket motorcycle I think they called it… it’s the Honda Navi… it only goes up to 50 mph and I don’t know if that’s enough for me… lol.. but I think it should be until I get used to it.. but what does it say: 

NAVI-GATE YOUR WORLD: Just about everyone who scores a ride on a Honda Navi can’t stop smiling. And it’s easy to see why. We’ve designed the Navi to be easy to ride, with a no-shift automatic CVT transmission. That helps make it easy to learn on too, even if you’ve never ridden a motorcycle before. Then there’s the small overall size and light weight, which makes it way less intimidating. Plus, it offers some pretty awesome fuel efficiency. And finally, because it’s so small it’s easy to park. And speaking of saving money, the Navi is the most affordable Honda streetbike in our entire line! Isn’t it time you started Navi-gating your world?   

And the other I thought was a cool options it was actually a scooter but with a motor that would make me have to get a motorcycle license and register it… so similar to the first option but this has two wheels in the front which I think give me more confidence especially on gravel.. where is it… it’s the Piaggio MP3 530 HPE Exclusive… and I think it cruises at around 60-65 mph and could got to upper 70’s… that actually would be more like it… at least I’d feel comfortable driving it on highways.  It’s a little larger body too for comfort and there’s a big windshield guard… it’s pretty cool… yeah I didn’t look at every other option, but I did like this… and what does it say: 

The new MP3 530 HPE Exclusive lives up to its name. The most advanced three-wheeler ever produced by Piaggio, it features a 530-cc Euro 5 High Performance Engine, cruise control, reverse gear, rear camera function and Blind Spot Information System. The definitive mobility solution for urban travel and further afield, it delivers an ideal mix of comfort and performance, making it a breeze to get around town and beyond in safety.

An article by Cycle World  says many good reviews, but here’s one: 

The MP3 Resets the Standards:  From the start, the MP3 inspired great confidence, even for totally inexperienced riders. Simply put, it radically reset scooter safety standards, opening up the svelte urban commuter class even to chronic soft-seat motorists who would never think of riding anything that needed to be leaned around corners.

So as I’m looking at the bikes… I have to think how I’m going to take my little buddy with me… lol… So yes I looked into pet carriers… and I think that scooter would have the more comfortable option for him.  But I also like having possibly a sling for him too… I don’t know…. I feel like I’ve been wanting to design and sew a carrier for him too… I was trying to see if I can find a carrier that mounts easily onto a bike but then converts into a backpack when we’ve reached the destination… and since I have a smaller animal… why don’t we make it airline compliant too… lol.. I’m thinking the sling just because I think if i can get him closer to me with the noise going one it would help him get used to it.  But I think I would switch up the sling too… I love the whole wrap around close to my chest… where did I see that the one I was looking at seemed like a man bought it or even designed it for his dog who was very anxious… it’s similar to what we see carrying a baby around… but with a cat?  With my cat… lol… I’d like to add a few extras… first of all some type of scratch barrier between my skin and the wrap… lol… his claws automatically go out when I pick him up to place him into whatever carrier I have.. and I also like the bags I’ve had that has the extra security of a small leash connected to him… anyway there’s a few slings that I saw… and I’d like to combine them… lol… I think they were Amazon.com .. here’s a Yudodo  option and then here’s the wrap option.. here’s the Pet K’tan version.  

Oh I almost forgot… there is a way to mount the bike to the hitch of the truck… now I’m not sure it can work with the style of the truck bed camper I’m leaning towards, but I watched a video of the guy who started this company… and I liked his attitude and I know he’d be able to make it work with the options he has… I’d probably just need to reach out and make sure the style I think will work will actually work… but let’s see I remember his name was Joe… here’s the one that might work for that scooter… ohh… I don’t know if he’d have one for the scooter actually, but I’d definitely pay extra to get one that would work… lol… I’d even love to go to his shop and watch or learn… lol.. I can say that to about everyone… lol… ok where is he… welp it’s Joehauler.com and he does Custom Haulers, perfect! 

Lol… I was just thinking if I could use this as something to tangle in front of my dad… lol.. I think he would enjoy having one… but I’d have to give him  the chance to clear out the garage first… lol.. because I think he’d want to store it in the garage especially during the winter… he’d need to have space for it… lol… while I get ready for the driving test he can learn too.. lol… I could see him loving the… plus he couldn’t be such a speedster on the road at times… lol… well we’ll see.

So I do think about technology as well… I know when I was thinking of the expedition I was going into satélite options and even maritime options.. many options for communication and possible access to internet while we’re traveling… I thought of maybe trying some of these out now, but I don’t really think it’s time.. lol.. I think I really need to get out there and talk to people and see what they know.  Shoot I don’t stop and hesitate to ask people what they’re interested in… if it’s something I’m not familiar with I usually try to ask questions to get a better idea… and if I think it connects to this or that… I’ll ask… so I usually find interesting conversation to say the least… lol… but yeah I was gettin into the tendency I was getting to when I first was thinking about the expedition and i was getting overwhelmed… trying to figure it all out at one time and before I really knew anything… I was guessing with everything and trying to find all the options to check out.. it’s best to run into people who are more experienced.  I had thought about emailing professional expeditioners… lol.. I just thought it might be too soon and most of the time I would be saying I’m not sure but maybe this or that… lol… maybe if they were friends I could get a way with that but even then… it doesn’t normally work…lol. But yeah I’m feeling so much better… I was going through a lot earlier and yesterday trying to think of everything that I was thinking about before.. but there was probably a very good reason why I threw all of that into recycling… all the things I was writing in isolation when I first arrived in my personal journaling… I didn’t keep it… I wanted to purge and I wanted to start fresh as I could and for some reason… I didn’t want to keep that journal… and man I was obsessed with it for at least a month… like how I once got… not eating and sleeping… lol… but I guess I’m learning to relax a little more too… I get so excited that I just want to go, go, go… lol… but I see the value of just taking my time and allowing time to help give me clarity before jumping the gun.  I’m sure there’s a balance that I’m trying to find… I know I don’t want to wait forever and then I get too comfortable to not make any changes.  There’s a balance I’m learning.  So yeah I don’t think I have to worry about testing out those types of communications quite yet… but there’s some goodies that I’d like to start gaining experience with.  

This is funny because i say that the people who I meeting currently, they see who I am.. like say the people I know in Colorado.. specially when I speaking of my approaches to spirituality… they think I’m a saint.. lol.. not really but my behavior and thought is different to what they’re used to, but I find I have to convince them that I haven’t always been this way.. lol.. again if I’m talking about ceremony with them and they’re interested… I deal with all types but some who are say addicted to drinking or recreationally doing drugs… or any issues they think I wouldn’t understand where they are and I have to tell them all the things I’ve been saying here… I did shit… I was living unconsciously too, but I decided to make changes.  But say I’m speaking to people I’ve known all my life.. they see me as who I was before… and again I feel like I have to convince them that I’ve changed… lol… so it just reminded me when I say I usually want to go, go, go… people who are reading this will know that I’ve been in isolation for so long that they might feel… what do you mean you go, go, go… you haven’t been doing anything for a long time now… lol… I can only say I’m changing… and it seems its only a few months it takes me to realize the changes instead of taking years… and i feel that’s a good thing… lol..

But I consider myself a creative and artist… and when I was in school I had access to many materials, tools, and programs and I really caught on quickly, but when I stopped going… I was limited in my involvement with the abundance of tools to continue learning in those areas… I’d like to get a chance to dive into them again… I loved computer aided drafting and also art… I haven’t been in that world for decades now.. so a lot has changed, but I still think if I can put myself into the position to have access… I’d find my way again, but I think I would like to start off with a decent computer setup and get some programs to dive deeper into creativity in art.. such as computer design and even musical programs and video editing… things of this kind.  i want to work on my drawing faster… i feel this is going to be helpful for me in receiving clues… lol… i know this doesn’t involve computers… but I wrote some of the messages i was getting in the time before sleep and when I was seeing visions… I got the idea that it would be helpful to develop this skill.. not only because of the people I was seeing, but possibly during the expedition too.  I was wondering how I would know where to go… when I go the message about the excavation… I was given an area I knew… so I didn’t have to draw it out.. I know where to go… but if I’m exploring terrain I don’t know… I was wondering how would I be guided… I thought possibly I could be getting visions of the terrain, and since I don’t know where it is… if I can draw it out clearly then they would give guidance.  I thought I’d probably need a drone to be able to fly a good distance away from the camp… or even go on scouting trips with the drone to see if it can see these locations and then while scouting can get a better idea how to move the camp closer to the location.  I don’t know it’s a thought… and so I know that I can at least start practicing this skill and I’d always wanted a drone… I love photography and videos and I think it would be cool to learn how to use a drone… I wouldn’t just use it for the expedition.. but as I travel.  I even said if I hired myself what would i do… well I wanted people I work with to record themselves… well I’d like to do the same thing.  Similar to what I’m doing now… but using video footage and who knows what else… but I’d like to find a pretty heavy duty drone to be tough enough for the changing weather conditions I can assume will be in the mountains.  I’d like some video editing programs… again maybe meet someone who can teach me… so maybe not get the program fist.. talk to someone and have them recommend… i don’t know… but something like that.  I want to work on music… I’ve really been interested in exploring more on learning different types of instruments.  I know I’ve been trying to build confidence in my singing… I sing Icaros in ceremony and I knew I needed to gain more confidence, but… lol… I feel when I’m in ceremony it just comes out of me anyway… lol… it’s obvious to me that I’m still searching for styles to resonate with… I’m sure I’ve already mentioned it before but I can go from an opera singer, to a beat boxer tribal chanter… lol… but I think I can continue to build confidence.  I think that’s why I’m drawn to musical instruments too… I know some of the people I work with are already musically inclined… in fact I’d suggest to them to bring their instruments of choice when they join me in Aya ceremonies… I’d love to see if they’re drawn to using them… I’ve already seen people try to sing in their own attempts… it’s really exciting and interesting to me.  Again I’ve worked with a shaman who had so many unusual instruments and it was awesome to have that in ceremony… but I’ve also been with shamans who think that instruments shouldn’t be involved with ceremony only voice… but I know I’m drawn to the Sa’sa… using the body as an instrument… so I have nothing against instruments and voice together… and I know a few people who know how to make their own instruments of choice… and yet again… I’d love to learn and maybe that’s how I’ll get some of my instruments… my making them… how sweet that would be.  I’m not sure how people view hearing singing Icaros in ceremonies… I know I wasn’t expecting it as part of the process of ceremony, but I didn’t have any background in it.  But that does remind me of the sedition in the yoga manual that I wanted to touch base in… ways to show Bhakti… and they gave some good examples… hmmm… yeah maybe I’ll go into that for a little bit… there’s something going on with my internet.. I know I can hear the wind being aggressive outside… so I’m going to copy and paste everything real quick so hopefully I don’t loose my progress so far.  Ok… and it looks like I wasn’t logged into my dad’s WiFi.. so now it should be stronger.  Ok… the manual… 

So I’ll start by referencing the book again, “A Systematic Course in the Ancient Tantric Techniques of Yoga and Kriya” by Swami Satyananda Saraswati.  Let’s begin: 

“Bhakti and Music:  Thoughts are the language of the mind.  But music is the language of the heart.  Wherever there is Bhakti there must also be music.  They are inseparable.  There is no more exhilarating way of expressing Bhakti than through music.  Music implies rhythm and harmony.  And in this sense everything in the universe can be considered to be music… You should try, or at least aspire, to conduct your life as though it is a perfect piece of music… For a bhakta life should be a continuous symphony whether he is high or low, whether he is working or sleeping, whether he is happy or angry.  All the ups and downs of life are mere ripples on the river or ocean of bliss… And in fact vast numbers of bhakta have expressed this inner bliss with their internal singing and music…. But for the bhakta, music does not only mean music or singing - it means the whole flow of life.  Life is one continuous song.  There is an inner music of the heart which is functioning ceaselessly, no matter what the outside events… This inner music should guide your life.  It should decide your actions.  But it can only come when you are receptive, when your mind and heart become sufficiently tuned… This inner music is the music of knowledge, the music of bliss. People of modern times have been seduced into always being in the audience… This is a great pity, for the most enjoyable part of life is participation.  It is the same with music - people tend to listen rather than take part.  And in this way the  exhilarating experience of involvement is lost… generates an upsurge of group feeling.  It is wonderful for removing stress and inducing relaxation.  It helps to purify the mind and gives an outlet to emotions.  It helps to unfold Bhakti.  One’s feelings (bhava) are heightened.  This leads to heightened bhava on a more permanent basis.  Devotional music is powerful (509).”

”Expressions of Bhakti: What does a bhakta do?  Many people think that Bhakti has to be expressed by wild singing or emotional prayers or utterances.  And indeed this can be the case; many great bhakta have sung the most beautiful poems in order to express their joy, devotion and realization.  Others have been famous for their joyful dancing.  The Sufi dervishes are good examples.  Every movement, every action is an expression of bliss and devotion.  But this is not necessarily so.  Many great bhakta were less dramatic.  They continued to live their lives in a state of calmness.  Each action and each thought however is permeated with awareness of the divine… He looks into the mirror of the world and sees the image of himself.  Actions become perfect… Bhakti need not necessarily be associated with wild, abandoned singing.  It can be felt in many people without obvious outward expression.  It depends on the dharma or personality of the bhakta… Actually, every saint, yogi, tantric or sage is a bhakta… They must be bhakta, for the knowledge, the realization that they have in higher states of awareness must automatically lead to Bhakti… In the Srimad Bhagavatam it says: ‘… the devotee loses all sense of etiquette.  He moves around the world without attachment.  He always chants the name and his heart melts through love.  he is like someone possessed, sometimes laughing wildly, sometimes weeping; and then he sings aloud and dances…’(2:2).  This description of the expressions and actions of bhakta is as good as any.  But a bhakta need not conform to this pattern.  He will express himself according to the dictates of his personality, dharma and the given situation (504-505).”     

“The methods of unfolding Bhakti: There are many methods which the aspirant will find out for himself through his own experiences.  In the Srimad Bhagavatam nine modes of unfolding Bhakti are given as follows:  1. Shravanam (hearing stories about the divine incarnations such as Rama, Krishna, Christ, Buddha and so forth).  2.  Kirtanam (chanting the names of divinity).  3.  Smaranam (continual remembrance of divinity in any form).  4.  Padasevanam (service of the guru or service done in the name of the divine).  5.  Archanam (ritualistic worship and offerings).  6.  Vandanam (mental worship of everyone and everything as being the form of divinity).  7.  Dasyam (the feeling of being the servant of the divine).  8.  Sakhyam (the attitude of friendship… He treats the supreme as a close friend who is always in his company).  9.  Atma nivedanam (total surrender… This leads to perfect union where the lover, loving and the loved become one)… A few important aspects of unfolding Bhakti are not clearly indicated in the list.  Meeting great yogis and saints is an important way of intensifying Bhakti… Also important is constant reflection on one’s nature and study of the scriptures.  This is called swadhyaya (505).”

This again.. just help confirm to me… that I’ve been discovering how I awakened my bhakti and why I want to develop into a bhakta.  Alright… I think this is a good time to take a break.  

[withinUverse]

Well shit… shit hit the fan between —— and I… and it was not good.  Not sure how to start it… I’m relaxed now, but man… I couldn’t stop myself… even in the middle of the argument I was thinking to myself having devotion and it wasn’t stopping me… well.. let’s process this a little further…

I came back to mention this at the beginning… this is my Journal and I find it beneficial to purge… my purging is not intended to demonize anyone… no one is right or wrong… we are where we are… I find purging helps me think things out in a different way then just observing my responses during times of stress… I love —— but we do have our ups and downs… when I find myself purging it’s usually when it’s the times of the downs… but the main parties involved… me specifically, can say for myself I’m not proud of what happened… and I don’t want to continue doing it in this manner… so I’m hoping the purging process helps me see different options possibly.  Please realize the parties involved will have our own interpretation of why this happened.  So if we find at anytime where we might say this person is right and that person is wrong… just remind ourself from a different perspective.. this person is wrong and that person is right… I can only try to emphasize… I’m really trying to call out my own bullshit in this Journal then calling out others… I’m still trying to see all the bullshit that is in me… so again… —— all of them are amazing people and we are just trying to figure out for ourselves what works for us and what we want to continue to work on.

I’ve already been purging to —— who was able to purge out himself which was good.  So first of all we decided to go out to dinner.  We were all good… ordered our food… and —— was showing an instagram story when she and her —— went to Walt Disney world and the Star Wars area… well the governor of Florida and Walt Disney corporation became the topic.  People were saying their opinions about Disney… and then this movie came up… I’m not even sure what it’s called… let me find it… called Strange World was brought up.  They didn’t like that one of the main characters was gay. ——admitted that the story wasn’t even about that, but when it was one of the first things that was mentioned… —— was worried that was what the movie was going to be about… they didn’t expect Disney to have a movie dealing with that… well it wasn’t about that… and they said they were nervous throughout the movie and thought if it comes up again or if looks like that’s what the storyline’s going to move towards then they’ll probably go ahead and pick up and leave… they didn’t have to leave because again that wasn’t the point of the movie.  Nothing happened that time… I just laughed at ——because that’s a psychological move for the creators for people who are uncomfortable about homosexuality… they’d be focusing more on that fact then being able to watch what the real message was… but nothing went far into conversation.  I have to say I like animated movies/cartoons.. there was a time I was trying to create flip books to create animation at a time… I thought that might be something cool to do… but anyway I still watch animated movies…. So one day my dad asked if there’s anything I want to watch.  I asked if we can check out the Disney channel and see what movies I haven’t watched yet.  My dad watches the Star Wars stuff so he has the channel… but I saw Strange World and I thought well let’s give it a go… let’s see what they were talking about.  And yes it was mentioned but it wasn’t a big deal… but personally I liked the message of the movie.  Spoiler alert if anyone wants to see it… but in my opinion… it was about how many worlds are interconnected… the people on this planet found this neon electric green plant and found a way to create energy with it.  So the planet transformed with all this abundance of electricity to where they had flying cars and just more technological advances because of this discovery.  The boy who is one of the main characters who they were mentioning.. but his dad and his grandad were also main characters.  His grandfather was an explorer… grandfather took his son (the dad) who was young on his adventures.  They were trying to cross I cannot remember but it was like the mountain which could not be crossed… it was like the end of their world… the grandfather wanted to make it to the other side, but when they got close is when the son and the other explorers found the plant.  The son who is now the dad was asking the grandfather if it’s necessary to make it to the other side or not?  Why don’t we just take our discovery back to the city and see what we can do with it.  The grandfather couldn’t stop… so he continued to try to get to the other side… while his son and the other explores took some of the plants back to the city… years later that young son is now a farmer who farms this new electric plant and he has a son now… The whole city idealizes the grandfather for being an amazing explorer and has a statue made of him… but after the dad’s discovery of the plant… they made a statue out of him too.  Now the son who is younger… seems to have more traits like his grandfather the explorer.  The dad started noticing something going wrong with the electric plants… as if something was destroying it or at least the power wasn’t maintaining… and they needed to find out why that’s happening… they built this world dedicated to this technology and no one wanted to adjust their lifestyles so they had a group to go back to the edge of the world which the dad and the son was part of… plus more.  They got to the other side of the mountain and found themselves in a completely different world with new plants and new animals… when they were looking around they noticed there were a few creatures who seemed to not like their presence and they considered them the bad guys, these creatures.  And they also noticed that these creatures seems to be attacking the electric plants, so the people were looking at the creatures as bad guys… near the end of the movie it was getting dramatic because it was like the electric green plants had a central location and it was forming around a large form and the people thought that’s where they would have to have their last stand against the bad creatures who were focusing their attention to get rid of the green plants there.  The young son had an argument with his father and so he went out on his own… the son seem to be realizing that something doesn’t feel right… so he continued to again the edge of this world and when he got to the other side… he came across a huge eye… it clicked then to him… that the strange world and his world was just a small part of a huge world… in this instance an entity… again he realized… that what they used for their technology these green electric plants were actually killing the huge entity… it was like a cancer.. and the bad creatures… were like the white blood cells battling the infection.. and when they first arrived the bad creatures saw them as an unknown source which might cause harm so they wanted to get rid of the source before it caused a threat.  So the end… the father had to choose whether he wanted to continue his legacy with being a farmer of the green electric plants and only live a short existence… or would he choose to protect the huge entity who is dying from those same plants… which allows everyone whichever world they live in to continue living… so their emergency and dyer situation to save their technology wasn’t as a large concern than the bigger picture of destroying all of the worlds… which in my opinion why they had the brief moment of introducing a hero who happens to be gay.  It wasn’t really a large concern than the bigger picture.  Honestly I didn’t even see it as a concern, but I knew they did… but in my mind I was like… if you watched the movie you could literally put yourself in a similar comparison with the heroes.  None of them were bad people… they were just doing what they were drawn to do, but sometimes their decisions to do what they feel is right… isn’t the best decision for the whole.  Again I know my opinion is not the only one and I’m just purging in my Journal… but in my opinion… they missed the point of the movie.  In fact they said they didn’t like it tonight… and I don’t care really if they like it… it wasn’t the best movie I’ve ever seen or anything, but I did like the psychology that was being shown.  Lol… actually I’ve used this analogy several times through the years… I’ve always tried to tell people it’s like we are organisms living inside a body.. we might not know what all other organisms are out there.. and what they’re doing to support the body to function, but we could be the cancer that’s going to destroy everything around it not knowing it’s going to destroy us along with it too… if we don’t be conscious of it. Mostly that comes up with environmental issues.  But my opinion is changing a little bit… at least out of desperation… lol… I know in my experience the realization of everything working out exactly as it should… it’s actually a very perfectly imperfect reality… lol… that’s when I’m talking to humans or the egos of us… but honestly its just a perfectly perfect reality… lol… we already continue to make changes that’s best for the whole… regardless of what we think as an ego separate from the whole, but anyway let’s get back to it.  

Ok… I thought I was going to post this, but I think I’m going to adjust it a little.. instead of stating who I’m talking with I”m going to use random — to label one character to the other… I’m going to start from the beginning and I can keep myself in here… but I technically didn’t ask permission from anyone else to discuss this topic.  So sorry I’m not sorry that is might get confusing… it’s a purging process and to help eliminate and judgements except for myself… i think this will be better.  Shoot I”m going to edit quite a bit out… I needed to purge and so I went on and on, but again… I don’t have permission to air all of this out.. so I”m going to see what I can remove so it’s not so personal for them.

 

—— was getting upset because he feels like Disney doesn’t have to shove it into the public face about homosexuality.  He said that not everything needs to be addressed in cartoons and it doesn’t need to be Disney’s choice to share this and it also led to the schools and their approach either.  I said… sometimes people who aren’t accepted or understood likes to be represented for the public to see us… because we are here and we can be accepted too.  Well… he started going deeper into homosexuality… he said he finds it everywhere…. He continued to mention how it’s everywhere… and I asked him what he means?  Are you saying you watch it on the news or something?  And he said no… it’s mostly in their schools.  His oldest son used to have a really good friend and this year she wanted to change her name and wants to be addressed as the masculine.  I asked him… are they still friends?  I asked do you still talk to the friend?  He responded by saying no… she’s not anything anymore to him… he said if she wants to be weird, then she can continue to be weird over there… I did find myself chuckling because I just couldn’t believe —— felt that way.  He has been so open-minded growing up… but I’m realizing who he was is not exactly who he really was and who he is now.  But i did say.. she’s still the same friend… she’s still cool and fun… she just doesn’t want to be a she anymore… can that be ok to allow her to do that?  And the answer was… was she making those decisions based on her own feelings?  Or was she making those decisions based on society influencing her?  I’d say it’s both really… but again… do I feel if she goes with the changes to become a he… then that’s the change one is making… it’s a serious decision… he’s young and he wants to explore the masculine side of who he is… and I feel and hope that he doesn’t lose the feminine side of who he is either.  That’s the thing I enjoy… is understanding that Society in the first place makes a distinction of what’s a Man and what’s a Woman… I’ve mentioned this myself… I wanted to be androgynous… because I just wanted to be me… and if people labeled me being too boyish then I let them… it wasn’t going to stop me from doing things I enjoyed doing.  I also mentioned to him… that there’s a pendulum always swinging… and the pendulum is mostly making drastic shifts as it swings back and forth and eventually it’s slowing down and to where it doesn’t have to be so drastic… and that’s in our personal and collective level.  I said you think it’s in your face all the time and it’s everywhere… well eventually if it’s there long enough… it will be normalized to where it’s not affecting your reality so much.  And that’s when he said… this shouldn’t be normal… we can have disagreements and not be hateful about it… to me… I’m ok with our differences… i might be shocked to hear his honesty just because i thought he would be more accepting of others but I don’t hate him for having that opinion.  I told him… it’s what happens from generation to generation… older generation mostly didn’t talk about their feelings or emotions… they were conditioned to a degree where they don’t exist… lol.. I’m being very black and white because I’m using language and that’s how we can easy-ish-ly communicate and understand… with our generation… we know the existence of feelings and emotions, but how do we express them or process them?  I can say that I would bottle up my emotions… first of all it wasn’t like that was the thing to do was to talk about these things… I knew they were there but I didn’t want to share it but then I couldn’t ignore they were there and affecting my behaviors.  I started to share but it was easier-ish to express happier ones… when it came to ones that were uncomfortable or say negative ones… then they weren’t expressed until I snap under pressure… not healthy and I know this… and I’ve been finding my way to understand healthier ways to do this.  But the younger generations like his children… they have been taught earlier on to not ignore or suppress emotions… but to voice them… Now they are voicing them… our generation and older generations are out of our comfort zones now.. oh hell… how do I respond to their feelings and emotions?  I’m not used to sharing especially at their ages… thankfully I have been working on them.. so yes I’m one who supports them to express… I’ve done some of that work and I’d like them to not be struggling as long as I struggled… and they are teaching me to grow. his oldest son was the one to make the decision whether he wanted to continue a relationship with him or not… but because he is being influenced by the opinion of his parents… was it really —— decision?  Or now does he feel like he has to make a decision to make sure it conforms to his parent’s wishes?  That’s a tough decision.. and there’s not a right or wrong answer… but I’d hope —— would make the decision based upon how they treat each other and whether they reciprocate mutual friendship towards one another… not making a decision because he doesn’t want to look bad to his parents.  Which is happening to the friend and every child and mostly everybody.  

So this was already triggering me… I’ve been struggling with ——… to be accepted.  Right… she doesn’t approve of my choices in life.. she won’t have a conversation about what choices those are… because I cannot get her to actually have a deep conversation with me.  She just has her opinion about me and that’s good enough… I’ve been reaching out to her to not ignore the elephant in the room… and in my opinion it’s our differences in the approach to our spirituality.  I do not hate her choices… in fact… I haven’t even heard what her spirituality is… She can say she’s Christian, but many of the people I know are Christian.. and they have different approaches and understanding of what that is for them.  I can only assume what her definition of God is… just by the few pieces she shares or showing her frustration out on FB about it.  But those few instances doesn’t really give me what she really feels and knows.  When we were arguing she was saying I’m hateful… Of course I was reactive and said how am I the hateful one?  I’m the one trying to see that maybe we can be accepting of people’s differences… I’m trying to include people not exclude people because we have different lifestyle choices… just because we accept doesn’t mean we have to become the people… we just be us and let them be too… we all just want to be… and I asked her what does your God feel?  Do you think your God would hate homosexuals?  I think we agree that God is everything.. so how are homosexuals not God too?  God creates everything… do you think he made a mistake creating homosexuals?  I asked her… what if I’m a homosexual?  lol.. which really isn’t a good point… she doesn’t need any more reason to dislike me.. and one of —— came out and she literally doesn’t want to do anything with him anymore.  So I know what she would do… but in my mind is I’d hate to see what happens if one of their children finds they are interested in their own gender… geesh… that’s why it’s such a big issue now.. people don’t want to go through all the negative shit they put themselves through and what others put themselves through either.  That’s the fucking point… lol… it’s gotten to a point where the pendulum has drastic swung to show us… this is something to look at.. the collective hasn’t had the healthiest approach to dealing with these challenges.. and so the collective tries to do the complete opposite…. If it didn’t work this way then we have to do something completely different… well… eventually it will normalize and balance out… lol… right by the time our generation is gone in the physical… there will be more of the collective that was used to expressing.. well… because we’ve influenced so much.. it may be more accurate to say by the time his son’s generation is gone in the physical… that there will be a better collective to express themselves.  I’d hope by then no one feels they have to defend themselves with whatever their personal decisions are… especially sexual… in my opinion how is someone’s choice to be attracted, to love, or take someone to the bedroom my business?  Lol.. well… lol… i might be interested if I can learn so fun stuff to try myself with my partner… but really I feel I’d just like to explore with my partner unabashed.  If we want to try things out… we’ll see if we want to continue or not… lol.. anyway

This was going on in the restaurant… we definitely were raising our voices to each other… —— wanted to leave.. so she got up and none of us was expecting it to escalate to where it did and she was apologizing to the other patrons as she was leaving.  The waitress said that she’s gong to leave so she will remove her dinner.. but we said to make it and we’ll take it to go.  By that time it was only ——, ——, and I sitting on one side of the long table… and everyone else had moved to the other side of the table… —— and I continued the conversation… and he said… it is getting to the point where he wants to fight too… He feels like his kids and himself doesn’t need to have issues being forced down their throats.  And it’s not only sexuality he doesn’t feel comfortable with when it comes to his school, but also how the teachers are building their relationships with the kids now.  He said they ask the children how they’re feeling and wants to know more about what’s going on in their homes…. It’s getting to a point where he feels the schools are trying to get the children to go against their parents and he doesn’t feel this is right.  I told him… he doesn’t have to take this personally… if you’re relationship is open with his children then they won’t be as easily influenced by their teachers… can there be a chance that there are some kids that aren’t living in a stable home environment and wants to find safety somewhere.. and wants an adult to know there is something wrong in their home environment… again.. I’m not saying what they are doing is right or wrong but I can understand that some kids may benefit for someone reaching out to help… when they don’t have anyone in their family who wants to help them.  I told them… schools psychology has been changing… the examples —— had given about the way it was when we were in school that teacher-student relationship wasn’t that way… I said mostly because they thought to make a good citizen is to focus on making us worker bees… learn what you’re going to do as a job for society..even if we don’t enjoy it… and even if it makes us mentally or physically ill.  We know how much mental illness is running amuck… so they are trying to figure away to help… they are trying what they know how to do.. and honestly it’s new to address this issue.. relatively new… and so the pendulum is drastically swinging… if we want changes we start somewhere and what we get stuck doing is going too long in that direction even when we see that the solution could be adjusted… to possibly be better, but we don’t know unless we make adjustments again… we don’t have to be fixed to a one solution fits all… at all times of time… lol

I feel that’s what’s happening with my relationship with ——… I felt with our history I try different approaches… and then I try something else and now there’s got to be another switch.  Let’s give more details… well.. let’s continue with the night real quick… eventually the restaurant just asked us to take it all to go..  I said aloud that I was sorry but I know there’s got to be a larger conversation that needs to take place… I’m just trying to figure out how we can come to a reasonable agreement.  I know what she wants is for me to just behave… do and think the way she wants me to… but I cannot accept that… believe me… that was my approach to just ignore my feelings and restrict my behavior and conversations when it comes to her… and really everything would be the same except when spirituality comes up… do I watch myself… its like a big warning siren going on in my head… ok this is something I cannot address.. this is something we do not agree on… change the subject… address briefly to respond to them but bring up an interesting topic that’s more fun to talk about.  But as I was leaving… I was already feeling bad that it got that far out of hand… and I did want to apologize to her.  She was sitting in the vehicle and I knocked on the window… I knew she was upset and I could’ve guessed her reaction, but I told her through the window that I’m sorry we let this get this far… I don’t hate you and I really wish we can have a conversation.  She obviously didn’t want to engage with me and was yelling at me to get out of there.  To be honest I don’t know what she said to trigger me again… i feel it was just the fact she was yelling that got me to react in a yelling match back at her.  She got out of the car and we were face to face with each other… and yes we were aggressive with our language.. there were times where I’d back away and then I’d find myself stepping right back up to her… we are both very strong women and we don’t cower away and we defend ourselves… well she got to the point where she pushed me… and I was like really?  You want to fight me?  And she was ready to… —— had to step in between us… I told her go ahead and fight me.. I have no desire to physically fight you… I don’t hate you and i don’t want to harm you… but don’t get it wrong… I was definitely up in her face.. by that time she was calling me the devil… I said that’s not why I’m mad because I think you’re my enemy… I want for you to accept me even if we don’t agree..  i don’t see this as the worst thing to happen… it’s showing us there’s unresolved issues that needs to be addressed.  I don’t want the solution to be oh… let’s just ignore it happened… I want to have a conversation… not this style of conversation… but where we are both calm and know when we’re going to get together and talk we’re going to be emotional but it’s not to attack and separate but to get a better understanding of where we are coming from to better accept to eventually be united.  And I remember she brought up a conversation about prayer.  She said I asked them why do they pray to Jesus when they don’t know him?  I emphatically told her that that would not be something I would say to them… first of all… I don’t like talking to spirituality with them because i know you don’t want me to… I wish it could be out in the open with all the differences of opinions of what spirituality can be with people, but I know that’s your sore spot and so I don’t stay on the topic long and try to change it.  I said yes, I have a different opinion about prayer… not that they shouldn’t be praying to Jesus at all, but that there really doesn’t have to be specific times to pray… we’re actually praying at all times… God doesn’t wait for you to specifically pray and ignore every moment until you specifically pray to listen… God is present at all times… listening at all times and it’s not just words spoken out loud, but thoughts being thought, and what’s being spoken from our bodies and hearts and everything… God is always present.  I laughed because… right now… I told her we are talking to God right now… I don’t see God not being present at this moment… lol.. that’s probably the moment where I started thinking about being a bhakta and devotion, but again.. I just was deeply into the moment to be able to back away… I asked do you think God is listening right now?  And she said she would never talk to God this way… but she did pray when she got into the car… I asked her if God is always present?  And she said yes I know I am a part of God and he’s with me always… and that’s when I looked at her… he’s always listening.. this is why I say that prayer is happening always.  And that’s when I mentioned to her about her reaction to when I messaged that to her the last time we got into an argument over text.  I told her I try to express my spiritual views and the way she responded was she laughed at me with an emoji.  So yeah when I saw that was her response… I stopped the communication.  But then she said oh you want to bring up our last text conversation… She said I was being rude… and I said about what?  But again… we have to instigate each other… and she finally said that she cannot stand that all I want to do is teach… that stunted me for a few moments.  There were many ways I wanted to respond… and I know she knows that I look at her as a teacher which she truly is one of my greatest teachers… and she doesn’t really know what I’m saying… that’s what I try to explain to her if she’d give me any time… she triggers me the most and she shows me how much I’m able to embody messages of love and acceptance or not and bullshitting myself… she’s the one that showed me that there was something still wanting to be accepted… which I consider her to be… I really would like to just be accepted… I don’t want to have to pretend I’m someone because who I am in not acceptable.  

She brought up our last text saying that I’m trying to cause drama… I said I’m not trying to bring up drama.. I’m trying to bring up unresolved issues that needs to be addressed to continue healthier and stronger relationships.  This conversation led me to looking at ——… and I was like.. you know —— this would be a good time to voice your opinion… she literally thinks all I do is hate on her when we talk… is that the case?  Or am I trying to get you to understand that there doesn’t have to be a problem communicating… and of course —— couldn’t say anything and I already didn’t like putting him on the spot and so we continued…but I did address it when we were by ourselves… I said that would’ve been a good opportunity because she keeps telling everyone that I’m trying to separate and cause drama… I wasn’t saying you had to go into your feelings at that time.. because it obviously wasn’t a good time for any of us to be sharing at that state… just would’ve been nice to not have to tell her how much I’m working behind the scenes for you and her to like each other… trying to convince ——really not our enemy.  But then she said that we never liked her… she didn’t know why I didn’t like her in the first place.  And I shouldn’t have went there, but i did. 

I said I thought at the time you weren’t good enough for ——.. I thought you had mental issues you were going through that I thought you’d affect —— in a negative way.  And she wanted details… I feel like I’m not enforcing enough… that this is a Journal that I purge my thoughts in… I’m not trying to get anyone to demonize anyone… if you want to demonize anyone… demonize me… I’m ok with that… I’ve already mentioned that if I’m the trigger then that’s who I am at the time… triggering for me is helpful… and it was what happened so that’s what is supposed to happen… so again… anything I’m discussing here is not to say I’m right and they are wrong.. I’m just trying to process out what I’m not seeing correctly and how to make different decisions so we can break this cycle… this is something I don’t want to continue.. in fact I’m glad that I mentioned this because I think everyone is getting the point as we can all see… it’s still a work in progress.  And so I feel like I’m going to stop purging… and start processing a different approach.

So at first I just plain didn’t like her, and so there was only a few times where we engaged.  throughout this time we’d still have clashes and disrupt in this manner.  When I came back from the first round of ceremonies.. so let’s just say that stupid approach I started with , just plain not liking her, was for 10 years… again I didn’t realize at that time I was just completely unconscious.  After the first round let’s say I started to increase my consciousness a smidgen… and I approached her saying I don’t want to continue to have this style of relationship… I’d like for us to actually get to know each other… as if we have a clean slate… lol… I keep using that as an example, but as we can see… it’s never been a clean slate…lol.. but make our judgements from here on out.  And we did better for years we did better, but I also knew that I had to be someone different to be accepted and I was thinking at the time that I’m going to swallow my pride and take it up the butt, because however the rules are going to be on me… ultimately I want to have time and build a relationship.  I came back after my last round of ceremonies and let’s say i increased my consciousness a smidgen more.. and I remember when I was driving back with my dad we were having a conversation about being excited to see everyone.  I really didn’t care about visiting with everyone else.. I wanted to spend time with my family… I really miss everyone. … and just an example that she wants me to work at a coffee shop she likes.  I started laughing… I said I didn’t come back to work at a coffee shop… lol.. I don’t even drink coffee… I don’t know the differences in coffee… when i drank, i drank it black…  and I don’t usually promote daily caffeine intake… that’s like asking me to work as a bartender… I was like that’s very unlikely, but I didn’t think that would really be a big deal.  We went to the coffee shop together and I couldn’t find anything to drink.. and asked for a fruit drink which they fortunately had.  I told her that I’m not really interested in working here… plus I don’t really want to commute back and forth especially for this position… I did already find a construction-ish job in Indy that seems to be more my style and I’ll learn things that I find interesting and could help me out eventually.  Well again.. I wasn’t going to meet their expectations of what they wanted me to do because they thought it was going to make me happy.  I appreciate that, but I’m pretty good at finding happiness in my own way.  I wasn’t coming back for them to tell me what’s good for me… as if I’m unhappy… I’m coming back to integrate and spend time with my family.  That’s my focus.  And during the integration process did I become honest with myself.  I’m tired of not being accepted for who I am… to anyone family included… I’m not a bad person… I’m a person learning and I’m learning to be… and that’s more important for me… is to stop thinking about what others think of me to decide who I have to be for that person.  I just really want to be me.  Also in the integrations process I started to really get a grasp of different levels of consciousness… again through my understanding of the spiritual development of the psyche… is I’m trying to get away from survival mode… I don’t want to separate myself from my surrounding because I think the my surroundings are going to harm me or out to get me.  I used Maslow’s Pyramid of Hierachy of Needs when I first started self-help even when I didn’t realize I was on a spiritual path… I tried several approaches… that’s why I was desperate enough to go to Aya for the first time… I didn’t know what else to try and I knew this was a completely different approach and I was drawn to give it a try.  So anyway… I see that —— is not approaching her spirituality in this manner… which is fine… she has her own way.. but in my understanding she’s deeply involved with being in the survival mode… she and her family is fighting the world because the world is trying to influence them to do bad things and she needs to protect her family from everyone.  It was only a few months ago that I was thinking that maybe her walls are completely up and built from brick and mortar… there’s no way to have a deep conversation with her.  She’s not interested at all… and again… I can apply this to many other people.. at least more aware that when those walls are up.. there’s no use to try because I was just going to waste all my energy and time trying… keep your energy and time and wait to see when the walls come down a little or at least made of sticks instead… that allows a little peek hole of possibly considering to hear one another.  And have a more likely opportunity for deeper conversations.  but again… I have mentioned that maybe I should distance myself more again… not that I want to, but because I feel like it would be healthier for my mental health.  Right now it’s very fresh for me to tell people I apologize but I just want to continue to be in isolation and process and integrate… I’m not wanting to be around too many people for long periods of time… I’m learning how to be comfortable saying it and also comfortable with the responses I receive and watching my response to their response… I want to continue to observe how I am responding… in fact I”m going to go back and remind readers… that I’m using the Journal to purge and this happens to be a purge I’m doing now… but it’s not to demonize anyone… or for people to choose sides… no one is right or wrong here… it’s just the style of purging that I’m doing not only to help myself… but also might give insights for others who want them.   But I don’t know if literally am going to remove myself right now.  Especially after this night… I’d hate to leave it like that.  I know I was trying to emphasize to —— that I hope we can find time to have a conversation… he didn’t even know what to talk about… and I told him the issue I see is spirituality.  There’s a misunderstanding of our definitions of spirituality… which I don’t think will be too crazy far off, but because it’s not exact it’s causing an issue.  He seemed to understand what I was trying to address… and he nodded as if he agreed.  That’s pretty much how I ended it… I don’t want to continue ignoring unresolved issues… I want to address them.  If we’re not ready to address them.. then it’s not time to resolve or heal… it’ll just be a fresh wound… I know they don’t want to continue to be like this together… all I got to say… this should actually grown them together… even if I’m the enemy at least their bonds will strengthen by having a shared enemy.. so that’s what I’m saying… me triggering is helping in ways for us all. … and I’m not helping in the way I thought I was helping… goodness… I keep seeing the pendulum… I’m trying not to swing too drastically…lol… I know I want to only in one manner… the other manner is there is a smaller move that I’m not seeing right now.  I’m like why don’t I just suck it up and be who they want me to be… that would be a solution… but who is it benefiting?  Well… after tonight there is so much more damage control and I don’t know how everyone is going to respond… I cannot guess… and a part of me is like… am I doing this on purpose?  Am I trying to distance myself?  Hell couldn’t I have done that in a different manner… why did it have to go down soooo drastically?  I desire to tie up loose ends… that’s just seeing what unresolved issues are there and address them.  I keep thinking that a solution can be done, but maybe there doesn’t have to be a solution at this time?  I hope that’s not the case.  I already messaged —— to apologize how disrespectful I was and I directly asked and will continue to ask (not now, but in the future)… is there a way to have a conversation to heal… at least start the healing process.  I messaged —— to apologize and also —— too.  I know even though we are frustrated and shocked from what went down… but they will continue to work from where we are.  Ok… i’m getting tired… I can feel a little drained and I just want to relax… until next time 

 

So just in case this was a little confusing… I had originally wrote this all out with much details and names… I noticed that I was purely purging every detail out, but those details were not only mine… there was information about the parties involved which I felt didn’t need to be published… I did need to purge for myself, but the world doesn’t need to know all those details about the parties involved… the ones I left I felt could be applicable to many people… so I went back up and started editing out the information.  While I was editing… I was reading it without the names and all the personal details.. it was quite obvious to me how I would respond in this situation with most people… I definitely would see it’s time to create that space and distance.  That will accomplish more than the battle.  I want to continue these relationships, but different relationships mature differently and at different rates… when it’s in a battling situation… we’re not likely to find solutions… we’ll always be looking for reasons to continue the battle.  Time will heal this wound.  And we’ve got plenty of it… I”m unable to find a solution right now… not because I want to give up and avoid it… it’s because I’m not ready to find a healthy solution that would be successful.  And I’m obviously not ready.  And if I can give my mind some space from it… it’s not like I don’t think about stuff… lol… but eventually another chance for a different approach will come.  So good… I thought I didn’t know what the healthiest choice was right now… but going back and editing it and created a non attachment manner by removing names and personal details… it just felt like holy shit… what is there to question about… this isn’t working in the conscious state we are in… so ok… maybe my higher self was setting me up, but for the good… even though some may questions how I can consider this good… well… it just is… lol… ok… it’s light out and I still want to sleep.  Again… until next time.   

That reminds me… I tried to write last night but I was struggling to figure out where the direction of thought was going and I went to another site to paste and everything was deleted.  So instead of trying to attempt a second time… I just said it’s a good night to rest… lol.. ok

[withinUverse]

Alright… I wasn’t sure if I was going to write tonight, but I wanted to see where it would go.  Even though I know to distance myself doesn’t mean that I can make my mind not think about it and to distance… lol… physically distancing is far more easier than mental distance.  I feel like I need to purge a little more and then try to focus on something else… I believe what I’ve been bitching about over and over in my head today… was my opinion on their approach of what they are teaching the children.  That continue to circulate in my mind.  When I hear them being emphatic that they know what’s right and wrong… 

Oh cool… just had two buddies reach out that i haven’t talked to in awhile.. they both are living in Peru but they’re from the UK… there not buddies I met them different spots… but one is thinking of coming to Colorado this summer to make some cash  and enjoy the mountains for awhile and then maybe see what’s up in the States.. that was a good headspace change for me.  Hmmm… I wonder if I should just keep the switch in attitude up… I don’t really want to continue to mull over the thoughts of frustration… lol.. ok 

So I can continue on my imagination… I also listened to a tarot reading that I found interesting.. I might try to find it and write the message… hmm… I might just do that… let’s see if i can find it … let’s see if I can transcribe while she’s talking… this reader is ________…

LOL… so i was writing it out… I totally forgot there was part of the message that said this is not to be shared… lol… so I’m not going to share it like I wanted to… I’ve been erasing more than typing the last two nights… lol…  

I guess what’s coming up to mention was a conversation I had with my dad while we were eating at the local Mexican restaurant.  It’s Cinco de Mayo… and it was like the whole town was rotating in and out… very drastic speech but there was many people.. lol… I normally don’t run into people I know even though it’s a small town… granted it was winter and I’m now just getting out and about… but I ran into a few people I knew from school.  I get sucked into my own little world… lol.. so i didn’t recognize them at first and it’s been so long since I’ve seen them that it was a struggle to get their names at the tip of my tongue… some I knew but as I was driving away the other names started coming back too… there was one older guy who seemed to know me and my pops but both of us was like… who was he?  Lol… we can change in appearance after time.. lol.. I feel bad when I don’t remember peoples name.  I know I’d like to work on my memory more.. we’ll see how that can be trained.. but I know I’m trying to do that with my dreams so maybe that will help.  But anyway the conversation with my pops… I‘ve been telling him different things I’m thinking about when it comes to the expedition and he’s getting a lot better to give his feedback and suggestions… but I threw him when I started telling him that I had a dream about a double decker helicopter… he laughed and said he couldn’t imagine how much a helicopter would be.  I laughed back and said I’m not thinking about the price.  I apologized to him but I said I am trying to change that type of mindset.  I don’t want to focus on the money… if I did that then I”m not really imagining… when I’m doing this process it’s for creativity and inspiration… if I keep it open as much as possible… I have as much room to roam.. I’ve been telling him how I find if i let my mind wonder from one thing to the next to the next freely it always me to notice something I didn’t notice before or think about before and it inspires me to investigate at a new angle.  If I try to worry about the money then I’m going to narrow my playing field to a very small pin point and then I don’t have any room to explore the possibilities just what I know… that’s not the point of my approach right now… lol.. I’ve tried this imagine together a few years back with him… and he wasn’t really inspired to share his dreams with me… or at least didn’t have any confidence to explore them at that time.  I know he’s very imaginative but I also know he limits himself.. and I feel with us talking it cannot help to rub off on each other… so yeah…. I still enjoy exploring the different options of my imagination towards these areas I know I’m going to be working towards.  I don’t know how it’s all going to play out, but I love to see what may be possible… I did this about six months ago and some things are similar and somethings are new.. so i like that… I didn’t have the wider angle before.. and honestly i know my vision is still more limited then it will be in another six months from now… that’s why it’s fun to continue to explore my imagination… geesh!  I don’t even know what I left off on with this subject.. let me see where I was so I don’t repeat myself too much.. lol… 

Oh my goodness… this is crazy… I lost most of my post… shit… that was some good shit that going down.. lol.. well.. I’ve been at this for hours… and I thought I was going to be finishing up soon… I cannot rewrite all that information… but I’m not sure what’s been going on lately with this Journal… lol.. it seems that most of the information I’m typing is really for me to process and I guess it doesn’t necessarily have to be shared.  Maybe… I’m coming to an end of this process style.  I’m excited what comes out by doing this… I’d highly recommend for people to try this out.  Journaling is really good, but to public journal without filters as much as possible… has really creates a situation that can help us level up… lol… alright well this is a sign for me to go to bed… I want to rest.  I still cannot believe I lost all that content… lol.. oh well what is.. is… aright until next time then. 

[withinUverse]

Lol… well shit… it just seems like the learning is not stop i guess.. lol.. it’s a good thing but wow I didn’t expect this… how could I?  Let’s just say leveling up is a lot more… just more… than I knew… lol… I knew there would be a leveling up but now I know that I had no clue what that meant…lol… So this Journal has really opened up my awareness… but it’s just happening all the time.. I definitely feel like a vessel for infinite intelligence… just like as if I’m in ceremony.  I can’t explain it.. but when I channel in ceremony it’s a message for whom I’m with, but it’s also a deeper message for myself.  Yesterday I felt like taking a longer walk… I didn’t know if I’d just take some pics of this town as I walked to make it longer… and before I left I got the feeling to go visit a friend of mine.  Just popped up in my head… sent them a message I’ll be heading over there… it’ll take me about an hour to arrive… I don’t have access to WiFi so I’ll just see if they’re home when I arrive… regardless they’re on the other side of town and that was about the length of time I wanted to walk anyway.  She was home and so was a friend.  But I saw her the day I arrived… my dad and I stopped in but she was busy and we just got done driving from Colorado so it was a brief chat to let her know I’m around.  Well we haven’t seen each other or reached out since.  She’s one of the closest friends I have.  Actually she’s the first person that I told ceremony to who didn’t question me at all… she literally trusts me and it never occurred to her to doubt me… lol.. I’m not sure if that’s healthy… lol… but that’s our relationship… we don’t lie to each other and we’ve been through shit in life and we know we’re not going to bullshit each other.  Anyways the friend who was there… quickly knew that we were just going to be nonstop talking.. lol.. he headed out shortly after I arrived… lol… i felt for maybe two seconds bad, but then I was like… good I didn’t have to try to engage or encourage him to talk… like some males.. they just like to sit there.. and it looked like he was wanting to watch tv instead of talk… so anyway… she and I just gabbed catching up and seeing what’s been going on.  As I’m talking to her I start to realize that I’m unable to stop myself from just spilling out my heart.. lol… about not being able to bullshit myself or take bullshit from others either.. lol.. I could see how Leo was responding to people in that manner… but I also feel like I can ground this energy and respond better, but yeah it’s tough not to just point shit out… lol.. words being said are beacons.  I knew this, but I didn’t know exactly to what extent.  It was easier for me to notice people’s words and it gives me an idea of where they’re at.  Right, how they talk about themselves, or others, or society.. gives me a little bit about their current mindset…. Sometimes you can hear them repeat their routine stored memories and sometimes you’ll hear after that a desire to change that… so just have to be patient and allow them to say what’s in their minds.  When I was having a conversation to her… and how I was responding again because I’m completely comfortable and theirs trust their… I could see I was channeling… to the point where I almost felt bad that I was telling myself more information then i was telling her.  She wasn’t getting everything I was saying, but she’s bright and getting the intention out of it… but there was at least one funny insight that I gained while I was talking to her…

I was telling her about Awakening… at least what it felt like for me… not every detail just the point where I had no memory of words or thoughts… and the first time observing this whatever this was… lol… and it wasn’t scary, it wasn’t happy, it wasn’t really curious even though i found myself looking around.. i didn’t have any emotion either… i was just new.  But then I started to tell her about what I’m finding out about the changes and the newness of who I am now.  I was laughing because as I was talking to her my realization of the changes just keep coming up.. like it’s a nonstop thing that’s developing all the time.  So when I’m writing and I’m sure others do the same thing.. i use words to talk to a group of people, but then there’s the read between the lines messages that I’m sending too.. lol.. and I was thinking of two specific guys who I’d be talking to… and mostly I”ve been directing my message to one of them, but then I realized the other guy… ummm…. He’s been at my level and beyond… if I’m able to do what i can do… in theory he can do it too and who knows what else… and yes I’ve been communicated indirectly to him, but only on occasions.. well that’s what I thought when I was writing, but then I realized I was talking to him directly.. and to him… and eventually to you all… lol… because we are literally all connected.  I don’t know if I’m completely accurate but we’re playing games that we are all alone out here… and no other can understand us or hear us or whatever we tell each other, but there exist no other.. so we play the game to connect.. how to connect?  We are already… lol… but again… some of us already know this too… and I’m thinking these somebodies that know are experiencing something similar to what I’m experiencing… so those someone’s… hello!  And yes I’m talking to you.. directly… lol… and it doesn’t matter when you read this… you’ll know who you are… and again.. i hope it will be all of us that realize this… lol… but anyway… it’s really fucking cool… and there was a little part of me today thinking maybe I should just give myself another night to rest from Journaling.. and I’m trying to occupy my time… and I can’t stop thinking that I want to address this… and so I will… lol

I keep on wanting to plan… or as i say imagine so it’s comfortable for people to hear my plans… because to some this might seem I’m in Lala land.. and so I play the game to make everyone somewhat comfortable.  The thing is plans don’t really always work out as I plan them… and i even tell people I have a direction, but I still found myself wanting to plan… lol.. and where to start and where to focus.  And what usually happens is I’ll be guided… lol.. once I’m guided then that’s what I do anyway regardless of my plans… lol.. because ultimately I know I have a direction and how it gets there and how long it takes doesn’t really matter as long as I trust it’s going in that direction.. and I do trust that it perfectly works out just the way it does.. lol… and so I got a message while I was sleeping to take everything with me.. lol.. and again I feel like something is going to happen that’s going to ignite me into the direction I’m focused on and so I’m getting ready to be ready.  So… today I took another walk around the town… and went to locations i haven’t visited yet… this little town is really pretty awesome.  I was telling my girlfriend how lucky we really were to experience growing up here.  I was trying to give an analogy of environmental differences from here to Peru… and she thought wow we’re really different… but I said, but are we really?  And so I started to explain more how we are very similar but we experienced an easier environment.  She’s lived in this town her whole life and she’s the same age as I am… and she’s getting to the point where she’s bored with this town.  I laughed because I can understand her, but I told her… if you happen to take a chance to experience something new… I bet you might see this place differently… I haven’t lived here for twenty years and while I was here I was dying to get out and now that I’m back… it’s not like I want to live here for the rest of my remaining years… but damn… I love this place and how lucky we were to have a little town like this with the community we had and the environment we had… it’s really an awesome place.  I’m not trying to tell her she’ll be happier somewhere else… she would have to decide that for herself, but I’d hope when she returns here she’ll not take for granted where she actually lives… I don’t get bored anymore.. lol.. I enjoy where I am, until I want to change it up and enjoy wherever that might be… lol… but if she’s getting bored… that’s a sign to change it up.  I’d love to tell details, but we were gabbing so much that I didn’t even think about getting her permission to talk about our conversation… so I’ll wait.  But I can say because I appreciate her trust in my words and my character… I want to shower her with some extra love… lol… I know she’s got to do her own work, but she’s going to get a little more tlc from me… and obviously my pops… I didn’t realize this until I was talking to her in this state.  I know I get excited inside.. and I wanted to tell her more deep shit, but I also knew it was saying a lot to absorb so opted to give her a break.. and really I don’t know if she’s ready for all the love i want to shower on her.. lol.. i don’t think anyone I know is ready… lol… anyone I know… that just sounds different to me now.  Especially when I know we are all connected and in so many ceremonies it could feel like we just met outside of ceremony but during ceremony we’re ancient and timeless friends… I used to be surprised by that message.. but it happens so often that it’s not surprising at all now.  And even when I meet people… it’s like I’m waiting to see if they want to connect like we’re ancient and timeless friends… or if i have to play the game with them or not… lol.. I don’t mind playing the game… at times I get carried away… lol.. and I am stil surprised.. I’m not sure why I am, but how everything went down last Thursday with the escalated argument.  But I love that woman.  And I guess… she’s not ready to share that connection we all have yet.  And I’m going to be ok with that.  I’m not going to forget her, but I do need to keep some distance… I’m still struggling over bitching in my head about what we were saying.. lol.. and I’m hopefully purging it out so it doesn’t have to be baggage I continue to carry with me… so I’m letting myself even though another part of me is like… still?  You still needing to bitch about this… lol.. how long do you need?  Lol… that’s how quickly the pace of change is happening… it’s been four days and I’m wondering why it’s still lingering… lol… it’ll take as long as it takes, and I”m ok with that.  I’ve known her for 13 years or more now.. and I’ve held on to all those feelings that long… so it takes me longer than four days to purge that pent up energy then that’s acceptable to me… lol… because that’s how long it’s taking… lol

So… because I feel things are about to change and I get the message to take it all… I start to look around again at my stuff.  Instead of keeping them out… I’m packing them now.  Plus I’m bringing some more personal material items that has significance to me which I was going to keep at my pops for him to enjoy… and I figured when I find my own place I’d take it with me at that time.  Well… I’m going to be having my own space soon and I’d like to have these items with me.  I don’t have much, so why not take them with me.  But I had to go back and purge through the items… and yet again… there was more I was willing and wanting to get rid of.  Lol… I felt like I had narrowed everything down already, but nope.. theres’ more… and who knows I might do it again… lol… I’m getting ready to be ready.. and when will I be ready?  There’s a message I’ve been receiving actually for years now.  And I always seem to want to jump the gun… lol.. I’m like it has to be time… let’s check.  Nope…not time yet… ok a year goes by or just months.. is it time?  Nope…not yet… I thought about it today… Is it time?  And i was like… am I just wanting to jump the gun?  Yes because when I know I get the message… I’ll know and I won’t have to guess… lol… I just need to be patient enough to get the message.  Again if that’s tomorrow or a year from now.  I’ve struggled a little about free will… I still do… I’m not sure I’m going to go into it right now… but there is a struggle that I have.  And damn it… because I’m using struggle I know it’s stopping me though too… lol… when I use the word struggle it’s really that there’s something I haven’t found clarity in.  I’ve been getting use to questioning my assumptions and even my interpretations of my experiences… I’m pretty ok with being wrong, and then switching again.. but if there’s something I say I’m struggling with then.. i just need to look at it more.. gain a clarity that satisfies my struggle… and I’ll continue to learn deeper anyway… so it’s not a problem unless I just continue to tell myself I”m struggling.  So why do I say I struggle with free will?  I guess when I say free will it’s like a synonym of control… my will controls my behavior and actions… before I would observe this to not be true for a long time observing it… again I found that I surrender and not control then I felt so much better… Everything was out of my control and I knew how to roll with the waves that I was swimming in.  But who’s will does seem to be in control?  Control?  What is my definition of control?  A force dominating the experiences upon itself and others… maybe?  Right now I feel like the word control is a negative thing, but I know that’s not true… so control over my emotions… that’s a good thing.. and I’ve been experiencing gain better control in this area… and then yet again… I got into an arguement where I lose my voice for a few days afterwards…. That wasn’t control.  before I would feel really bad… I don’t feel so bad this time.. why?  Because I felt in the past that I was hurting someone when I lost control of my emotions… but how do I feel now?  I feel like I was teaching them something was needing to be addressed and unfortunately for this particular situation it had to be in a manner leaning towards aggression… I’m not sure if it was really aggressive… but it was clearly letting the party know that I do not agree with the leadership… The leadership is power hungry and was encouraging judgments and hatefulness.  I couldn’t just allow it to happen over and over and over and over and over again… I snapped.  It took me awhile to snap… but I did eventually… actually I can’t even say I did.. I don’t think I felt my heart racing or beating quickly.. I was breathing normally… so my body wasn’t in a state of tension… it was still relaxed but my voice and body language was in a state to be heard and not walked over by a power hungry toxic consciousness.  I can see how this was developed and I know this harsh mental environment she had to survive in would be hard on any of us that would experience it.  I would have loved to continue to use patience and docile approach but that just wasn’t working… most of us approach her that way and she just grew more power hungry… so I wanted to demonstrate that being patient and docile isn’t a sign a weakness… it was a sign of respect.  And I felt like I had to approach in a manner to get the message across… but again then I felt like I showed a lack of respect… and technically I did.  Who’s will was in control?  The egos will was not in control… neither of us wanted that to happen… but we couldn’t stop ourselves.  So it happened… so it was… so it was in accordance of perfection… and for us we can view it how we will… and I know I learned that I want to continue giving respect regardless of how unconscious the words I hear are.  I know I can address it in a manner that can be received when I don’t yell… lol… that doesn’t usually help.  The will is universal will that seems to be in control… but I’m not sure if control is the right way to think about this.  Maybe it’s similar to me and this plan that I was discussing earlier.  My plans don’t usually go as planned… but there’s a direction… and that might be a way for me to approach universal will has a direction it goes towards… how it manifest… continues in that direction… for me when I find myself in situations that shows me I don’t want to continue this behavior I’m grateful because if I wasn’t shown or experienced it… I’d just continue behaving in the same manner.  Universal will directs.  I am the Universe too… I direct… however that manifests… I’ll know it’s in the direction of universal direction too.  So yeah.. this whole separation thing again.. i tried to distinguish my will with universal will as if there’s two different wills working either together or battling each other.  It’s directing in the same direction… but I might now see that truth at the moment… but I feel like I’m getting at recognizing it fairly quickly.  I wish I could go into detail.. but it’s personal and wasn’t given permission… but I see the parties involved that saw me react in that manner.. will have to work out their understanding of what they witnessed.  They most likely don’t have a positive understanding right now… but I know that Universal direction isn’t perceived as intelligent… but obviously it’s the ultimate intelligence… it’s what all the parties involved had to experience becasue where ever we are say in our state of consciousness and how we interpret the stipulation… is going to learn in the manner and that will lead to growth… which will lead to love and acceptance… but how and when is going to be different.  I feel like that’s a side of me that I have labeled bad when I raise my voice… but I know it’s necessary at times.  I wish it to not be the case.  I feel like I’ve been observing this in myself to learn that this is not the most effective way.  Yes it can be effective, but to what extent is it effective… and how much time does it talk to repair and recover?  I know I’ll continue to direct my intentions to continue to the respect that all deserves… it’s a direction towards love and acceptance… But when the parties I’m dealing with doesn’t find value in love and acceptance?  Then it’s time to not address it… even though I know they are leaders???  Why can I not call them out for their bullshit?  Because they’re going to continue to teach bullshit…   I can still call them out i guess i can say that, but also giving them the respect they deserve.  I wasn’t showing love and acceptance.  I cannot teach love and acceptance if I make excuses to do it at particular times as if it was valid.  There is not a valid time to do this.  Again… it was perfect for me to experience it because at my state I can find the lessons to address to change in myself in a deliberate manner with more focus.  But I also know I’ll learn at my perfect pace.  We all learn at our perfect pace and the perfect environment we find ourselves in.  Free will… the freedom to will to learn or not learn… to continue the same lessons or to try different ways to learn the lessons… Freedom to direct universal will toward love and acceptance however that unfolds.  

My friend said she can’t believe we’re 41… what did she do all those years?  I looked at her and said… you’ve been preparing to be the happiest version of yourself… to love yourself fully… to accept yourself completely… we might not thinking we’re doing anything with ourselves… but regardless if we’re conscious of it or not… we have been getting ready  to be ready… to be ready to be unconditional love.    Love without conditions… I saw my conditional love spewing out of my mouth… I know how powerful words are and I was careless with them… I will be more care-Full… That’s the thing is I know I saw this engagement completely different then she did… I know we’re going to be in a loving relationship… but since she doesn’t see that as part of her reality… i have to play the game until she’s ready to play a different game.  I just don’t have to wait around for her to be ready.  I want to be around ready ones… lol… I”m one of the ready ones, right?  Lol.. I keep thinking I’m ready…and then I get shown that my ready isn’t ready yet… lol… how much more do I need to purify and process… do I have to be in complete integration before I’m ready… lol… pressuring myself to know when doesn’t do any good… but dwell on uncertainty… the think is I’ve experienced certainty… and when I’m ready… I’ll know with certainty… oh that feels good for tonight.  Good time to break

[withinUverse]

Where to go… where will it flow?  I don’t know but if feels like I’m not certain what to share right now… lol… I’ve been doing a little of my own journaling but mostly recording my dreams… they’ve been starting back up a little bit.  So I’ve placed my notebook and pencil next to me when I lay down.  But yeah I was trying to express when I’m on here and there was some issues with it posting or erasing… I don’t know it just seemed like I needed to be a little bit more picky at what I discuss.  I felt like when I get in the flow it was really helping me out though so I’ve been struggling whether to write or not to write here publically… lol..  But I guess I’ll just go ahead and try and then see where it goes.  There was a few days ago when I was waking up thinking about my values again… maybe it’s time to readdress my values.  I had taken the purpose class from Leo and I had found my values and I wrote them down on several little note cards and I would place them different places so I could see them often and remind myself what my values are.  So I think I’m going to start there tonight and see where it leads.  So I’ll go ahead and write down what I had… it was over six years ago when I had written these… 

Consciousness: Quiet mind, sensory body, witnessing, reality with acceptance

Learning: Curious to discover and persistent to find application towards growth

Passion: Intense, energetic engagements to motivate beneficial desires in others

Courage: Overcoming internal threats with confidence, strategy, and perseverance 

Freedom: Authentic choice to do a spontaneous act to discover life fully

Creativity: Solving conceptual problems in a new way to bring joy

Connection: Harmony with the universe through recognition, acceptance, and respect to all organic energies

Playfulness: Ability to bring spontaneous joy just to laugh, smile, and feel alive

Contribution: Optimal growth from sharing myself to benefit all life

Wellness: Ability to recover to optimal levels in holistic way 

And here was my strengths assessment too..

Creativity, ingenuity, and originality: Thinking in new ways to do things is a crucial part of who you are. You are never content we’re doing something to conventional way if a better way as possible.

Zest, enthusiasm, and energy: Regardless of what you do, you approach with excitement and energy. You never do anything halfway or half hearted. For your lives and adventure. 

Hope optimism and future minded: You expect the best in the future and you work to achieve it. You believe that the future is something that you can control. 

Curiosity and interest in the world: You are curious about everything you are always asking questions and you find all subjects and topics fascinating. You like exploring and discovery. 

Appreciation of beauty and excellence: You notice and appreciate beauty, excellence, and or skilled performance in all domains in life from nature to art to mathematics to science to every day experiences. 

So I think it would be nice to look at this right now… I just went and watched the introductory video off the course and it seems there’s a good reason why I’m looking at this right now… I feel like there’s a tough decision that I have on my mind and I want to look at it from a value point of view to see if it’s in alignment or if I’m in-integrity of my values with this decision.  I like the quote Leo had put on this intro video.. 

“The story of the human race is the story of men and women selling themselves short.” Abraham Maslow

It’s almost as if I don’t have to do this… lol… is because I rally don’t want to do this decision that I’m facing… but I also feel like it’s an option that I know will work for the time being to eventually get me to where I want to be.  I’ve done it before and so I know it works… in ways but not in all ways… lol… 

So I’ve mentioned that for the last few summers I had moved to the Colorado mountain town to work all summer and save money to go to mostly Peru for ceremony.  And that time is now… I actually know of one room that is available to rent, and it’s at my buddies place.  It’s really hard to find a place to sleep in this town for workers… that’s the trickiest part is to find a location to sleep.  If we can find a place to sleep… then whatever I’m willing to do for work and how many hours I’m willing to work is there… and there’s a lot of opportunities to save money.  I know in the back of my mind that when I go… yes I can save money… but damn it drains me soooo much… and the positions I work arent’ that challenging or creative… that’s why I usually work several positions so I can add variety into the summer.  So let’s run this through my past values… I’ll find my current values but I think it’s best to run through the exercises on my own and then come back with the edited version.  So for now… the values I listed is still valid and I’ll use that as an example.  

So Consciousness…. Choosing to go back to for the summer position will this align me with this value… fortunately… having this as a top value… I can always be conscious of Consicousness… that’s always running in the back of my mind anyway.. so I know that this will help me see whether I’m at consciously… lol… last time I was just getting back from my eight months in Peru and I was so extremely sensitive and drained… not grounded… so I was getting pretty triggered easily… when I went to work I knew it was too early for me to be working with others.. especially with a new crew that I hadn’t worked with before.  They didn’t know me, and I didn’t know them… and it didn’t take long before I left and returned shortly back to Indiana to get the rest I needed and the time to integrate.  I know I’ve given myself a ton of rest and I am better grounded and I feel like I’d be better prepared to put myself back into the situation of working with others… but honestly I know it’s been tricky for me still to do that currently.  Currently it’s easy for me to just say… I can spend a few hours with them, but I can choose to wait weeks before I have to engage with them again or if it would be longer even.  If I go I know I can find many available positions… the thing is.. I know I’m a good worker… it’s finding positions that will keep my attention.. lol… plus leadership is huge for me… it’s pretty much impossible for me to work for leaders who aren’t up to my standards… lol.. they have to have respect for the staff and our guests first of all… if I see disrespect… it’s almost an instant no… depends on how desperate I get… lol… and the whole time I see the warning signs… and then it’s just the the battle of how long am I going to put up with the bullshit.  And then it’s the energy that I have to waste trying to convince myself that the money is going to be worth it because I’ll be able to do what I need to get done after summer is over.  This location is always desperate for workers so it’s very easy to find other positions… but really I have worked so many positions there… nothing is screaming out to me as … hey go back there and do this one… that one is beneficial.   I don’t mind getting triggered… it keeps my humble and it shows me what I need to work on.  I also know that this location does have people who would like to share in ceremony with me.  But right now I’m struggling with sharing ceremony with the people here… I’m going back and forth whether I”m ready or not.  I want to… I love it but I also feel like I’m more picky with whom I share my energy and time with.  I’m interested in seeing the differences I will be in ceremony and how ceremony continues to develop.  So I potentially have those opportunities… but those opportunities are potentially anywhere I happen to be.  

Ok next value is Learning… again this happens to be a value that I can apply generally in any location.  I know that there is so much for me to learn and everyone is a teacher.  But if I look at it in a job… is there a position where I can learn new skills?  Especially skills that I know I want to learn for my future endeavors that I cannot stop thinking about… lol… well I tried to do that a bit last summer…. I helped a guy with his horses… so I did get time to learn a little… but it wasn’t really a full on training session.  I helped only a little and he couldn’t hire full-time.  There are a few other locations there that might have opportunities to learn horsemanship there… and that would be valuable to me.  I also did some construction work which I think could be valuable as well… the boss though… outside of work… I can handle him… but during work his negativity and constant bitching was a lot to handle… and it wasn’t like a weekly thing… it was an every three hour thing… lol… now he’s been divorced for a year now close to two.. so maybe he’d have a different mindset, but I’ve been asking around and it still seems he’s having issues keeping staff because of his attitude.  I know he loved me as a worker and damn it… I know we could do well together if he could calm his temper… I do love the position because we would be doing different stuff and I was learning left and right… so that could be an option honestly.  I don’t think he’s changed as much as I hope he will, but I also know that we could find a middle ground… most of the time when we worked by ourselves he’d let me just do my thing… he’d come back to check on me and then tell me where to go for the next duties.  It really didn’t work well when he had other workers with us… he’d go off the handle with them and again.. respect is huge for me when it comes to working under leadership.  I also know he was in Mexico for the winter and so that should’ve given him some time to relax and unwind… so maybe he’ll be in a better mood and ready for a good summer season.  So actually when it comes to learning… I could see possibly seeing if he can use my help with construction and I can look into a few location about the horses… only thing about the horses is I’d need to have a vehicle to help out with them.  Some have housing on-site but I’d think they would have those positions filled already.. but it’s not too hard to look into it to see if there’s something available still.  

Next value Passion… I’m a passionate person, but I’d honestly have to say that I don’t have a lot of passion or enthusiasm to return to the same location.  That’s why I’m so hesitant.  Honestly I’d like to do something different, but I haven’t been able to figure out what that new thing will be.  I know I start off passionate in jobs but many times that gets me into trouble.. lol.. I usually have ideas that aren’t always appreciated… lol.. I know many employers are set in there ways… and it’s not my place to give advice or new ideas… lol.. I know spirituality I’m very passionate about… and ti’s a small town.. many people know what I’m about…. And honestly it makes them uncomfortable…lol.. they think its cool and some might even try to chat to me about it… but that’s not what they’re used to talking about and when I’ve changed my behaviors to not involve the party scene… lol.. that’s what most of them like to do, especially in the summer time.  But again… I know if I have the money.. I’d only have to give my energy and time for the summer… and when fall comes around then I can use that money to pursue my passions… I know with whatever money I have at the end of the summer.. I’ll be able to organize my trips to get things rolling.  That excavation is in my mind… and I’d assume I’d have to save quite a bit of money for that… and I guess if I have to go for another dieta run first and then get a better idea of how much to save for next time… then I’ll have to do it that way then that’s just how it will have to be.  I’d love to be able to do dieta and digging the next trip… but i also know however it falls it the way it is.

Courage is my next value… In one way I wouldn’t think this is courageous… in this way… I’m choosing to go somewhere that I know and I’m comfortable in this small town… It hasn’t changed much in the last five-six years I’ve been going there..and so things can be pretty predictable.  But I know this was the location where it was my courageous step to move out there not knowing anyone… not having a place to live… not having places to work… I’d have to really go and talk to almost every local there to find my way into this spot… this was also the place where I started sharing ceremonies and I remember having to start to talk to people more about what I did and what I shared and that took a lot of courage.  Because this is a summer vacation spot this was a good spot for me to work on being around parties but just enjoying myself and not engaging in activities… it can be fun.. but not that much fun because they were out of it so much… lol.. at one time this was where I proved my courage… but now… it’s comfortable and predictable… which isn’t a bad thing though either.  I didn’t know how much I’d appreciate returning back to my dad’s place… it’s pretty comfortable and predictable it’s been appreciated greatly… but honestly I’m getting antsy again because of it… lol

Freedom… Again… while I’m there I won’t feel like I’ll have much freedom, but with what I save I’ll have the freedom afterwards.  I’ll probably be able to sneak away a few days to hike and camp with friends… but while I’m working there… I’ll feel obligated… lol… but it would only be temporary.  It’s just whether I want to give these things up for a five months… it’s tricky for me to say oh yeah that’s not a problem… but that’s challenging for me to agree to that right now… but I know the sacrifice would eventually lead to that freedom

Creativity… I usually find ways to be creative in what I’m doing… I usually don’t have any energy to do any personal creative activities unless I get fed up with my position… lol.. and there are other artists there which sometimes have collaborative projects… there’s a small group that is interesting.. a few of them have shared in ceremony with me… but most of their crew entertain and indulge recreationally and so I keep my distance from them too… lol… that’s the thing… I keep my distance from many who live there… but it seems like I keep my distance from most I know… lol.. I can take them for short periods of time.. but definitely not on a consistent basis… lol.. that would be nice to find energies who just happy… lol… i was just talking to one of my girl friends how much I think I want to be social… but majority of the people I speak with are depressed… well shit it’s hard to enjoy myself when everyone is moping around complaining about things… lol… it might be hard to think that that’s not what I do… that’s why i think if I continue working on this public Journal… I might try to see if it’s not a space where I purge all the time… because really I don’t want to be purging all the time… I’d love to talk to people who are passionate… lol… those are the best conversations I have I feel… I ran into one of the guys who wants to share ceremony here as I was walking one day.  He invited me to his house and I met his wife, his brothers, and his six children… it was so nice… they had great energy.  And he was full of passion about what excites him and what he’s trying to create in his life… that was so refreshing to engage in a conversation with him.  He actually has me thinking about sharing ceremony with him soon.  He’s going to be leaving for the summer with his family and so I know I don’t have much time left if I do want to share with him.  But out of the ones I’ve been talking to… he seems to be the one I’m drawn to share with.  But creativity is something I carry with me wherever I am.  And it’s not hard for me to find ways to be creative even if its my own way of applying creativity into my life. 

Connection… this is kind of funny for me… there is a connection I have with the locals here… it’s a small community and we all seem to know each other in a way.. i don’t know most of them too personally or deeply… but there is a connection  and there is even support regardless of our differences… lol… but right it seems like it’s a surface connection… but I also know I have several passes at people to make deeper connections… and I know that’s what I do when I go around and visit or even reach out in communication… I see where we are at and see how deep we can go and see if our connection can deepen… so i know I’d try to continue making my passes to deepen the connections there… it’s just a little trying if I go and just bust my ass off to work and save money… that’s pretty much what all the workers do and so we work, sleep, and eat… if we get a day off we’ll try to connect with nature and then go to the live music and maybe out to the bar… i like to go and socialize at times… well try to like to go socialize but it’s not like there’s great conversations when everyone is just trying to get lit up… lol… but there’s music normally… a little dancing… some pool games… and it’s not like I go every week… but every now and then I try… lol… i try to be somewhat normal… lol… but the locals kind of picked up on that too… lol

Playfulness… now this seems to be on me.  I feel like I can be intense or aloof and it’s probably hard for people to ignite my playfulness… lol… this is something I’d rather place on myself… I’m a lot more chill about things… and actually another reason why I’m looking into this decision because… I’m just not as motivated to go and work jobs that really don’t interest me… but damn it I know there are still benefits … there are a lot of playful locals there and I know I have a good time with them when I allow myself to be playful too.  There are just some times where that’s just what’s in my mind.. lol… when I’m with kiddos… all i think about is how to be fun and make them laugh.. when I’m teaching anything creative same thing… my silly side comes out because I’m entertaining too not just teaching.  I know this is something I want to be more aware of… but playfulness is something I take with me and is a potential in me to bring out.. if I’m conscious of it… lol… actually if I do go back.. this might help me not get so drained so easily

Contribution…  woo… this one right here… lol… I took this one too seriously before… I have been struck in the face with the necessity for balance in my contribution… lol… I know I still value this, but not as highly as I did before… or maybe just not in the same manner.  I wanted to contribute to everything and everyone… and that’s just not healthy for me.  I’d much rather focus on myself honestly… it’s not like I am going to completely be someone different so I know I’m going to do my best with whom I’m with or where I’m working… but I don’t have to go out in every place and every person though… this goes hand-in-hand with my next value… Wellness… this is a higher value for me right now.  My wellness has also been slapping me in the face saying hey… I’m important too… take care of myself as much as I’d like to take care of others… I can only help others if I’m taken care of too… lol… and that’s why I’m struggling going back… because I just know how I usually treat myself there… but I also know I’ve been slowly getting away from overworking and pushing myself to the limits… 

So… really all of these values I carry with me anywhere I go… lol.. right it doesn’t really matter what I choose as long as I know my values I can approach situations appropriately to my values… if that makes sense.  Honestly I just really don’t feel like going back to that same town this summer… I want something different.  I love Colorado and I’d like to explore others areas when I return… but I know I’d really like to return to Peru.. that’s always in my mind… I cannot wait to do more dietas… and I’m really curious how ceremonies are going to go once I return… but do I need to go in the Fall?  That’s usually what I do… and that’s why I would be going back to the small mountain town… so I can have the money for Fall trip to Peru… it’s already crazy to think that this Fall will be a year and a half since I returned… so yeah I can’t believe a year has passed since I returned to the States… this year has been highly unusual for me.. lol.. i never would’ve imagined needing this much isolation time… but I’m grateful that I game myself this time… but again I feel myself getting antsy now.  I want to change things up… but maybe just starting with some little changes here and there… instead of swinging the pendulum drastically might be an approach… lol… but really i feel like I’m waiting for a sign maybe… everyone here wants me to tell them my plans.. and it’s hard for me to answer because i know if I get the sign… or a feeling to go and do and move… then I’ll know… but right now… i feel like waiting.  Waiting to see what new opportunities are out there… I have to say I didn’t make any official decisions writing this out.. but I got a few places to explore into a little further… I enjoy writing in this journal.. so maybe I’ll try to find a balance with it… lol… balance is what I seem to always be working on

[withinUverse]

Alright… so i went through the values assessment again… I’d have to admit that it went quicker than the first time, but also I had a better idea of how valuable this process is and I know there has been big changes since the last time I went through the life purpose course, but it was very helpful and I can see that I have deeper understanding to the labels… its a little funny that I my definitions got longer… lol… still working on being concise lol… but I’m ok with it so here’s my new list:  

1. Spirituality:  Personal transformation of consciousness by deepening understanding of unconditional Love and infinite possibilities to be in unison of Universal authenticity

2. Freedom: Personal authority to be instinctively myself at any given moment and available for Infinite Intelligence’s spontaneous attractions. 

3. Consciousness: Intuitive acceptance and patient observation of personal and collective phenomena of the awe-inspiring perfection of Existence.

4. Wellness: Optimal discerning open mind, sensuous fit body, and trustful spirit to be capable to engage completely and harmoniously with Consciousness.

5. Nature: Sensuous stimulation experience from various energies when aware of symbiotic relationships of the Universe which is beautiful, powerful, and fulfilling. 

6. Learning: Process for curiosity to explore, discover, and significantly integrate new or deeper insights and experiences to contribute towards inclusive applications.

7. Playfulness: Aspiration to attract ecstatic experiences where the emphasis is on laughter, easygoingness, quirkiness, and cooperation. 

8. Creativity: Courageous attempts to expand imagination with multiple innovative solutions by combining intelligence, memory, emotions, intuition, and Source. 

9. Communication: Amalgamation of sharing authentic expressions of emotions and thoughts, observing subtleties, and active reciprocal engagement to connect in shared experiences. 

10. Family: Inspirational desire to connect intimately by receptivity, honesty, acceptance, and devotion to create supportive energies and synergetic experiences.  

I’m going to go ahead and list my top five strengths again so I have things updated.  I did not do another pass with this because this usually is constant and I still find these are true for me personally.. 

1. Creativity, ingenuity, and originality: Thinking in new ways to do things is a crucial part of who you are. You are never content we’re doing something to conventional way if a better way is possible.

2.  Zest, enthusiasm, and energy: Regardless of what you do, you approach with excitement and energy. You never do anything halfway or half hearted. For you life is an adventure. 

3. Hope optimism and future minded: You expect the best in the future and you work to achieve it. You believe that the future is something that you can control. 

4. Curiosity and interest in the world: You are curious about everything you are always asking questions and you find all subjects and topics fascinating. You like exploring and discovery. 

5. Appreciation of beauty and excellence: You notice and appreciate beauty, excellence, and or skilled performance in all domains in life from nature to art to mathematics to science to every day experiences. 

 

I did find it interesting when I was prioritizing the values list… I know I was wanting to logically place them but when I went through the passes to see where they really rank from me.. the biggest switch was the “playfulness”  Originally I had thought this would be the last on my list… but when I really thought about it and used my gut… I jumped it up to 7 which was a pretty significant change.  For the last few years I had a focus on Awakening and I took it very seriously.  But the manner I was doing it was a contradiction… lol… I’m learning how to be happier in any given moment, but I placed seriousness higher then laughter… and that just doesn’t seem like it’s the right approach for me now.  Even when I am thinking about sharing ceremony… I absolutely love sharing but I also find myself taking it seriously with who I share ceremony with… I know it’s beneficial to be discerning, but I also need to lighten up a bit about it… lol… and even though it’s important in my opinion doesn’t mean that we can’t be playful with it too… not careless or destructive, but playful… I’ve had so many times of ecstatic experiences in ceremony… also so much love and patience… I’d prefer to embody that more… ceremony hasn’t been so serious and strict with me and I don’t need to be that way to myself or anyone I share with.  I think I’m going to go ahead and reach out to one of the guys I’ve been talking with to see if he’s available for this weekend.  I’m not sure what will be most comfortable for him on the location.  I can definitely offer my space but honestly I haven’t been able to really visit with his wife yet who is apprehensive for him to participate.  It’s odd for me, because it seems like he already chooses to participate in psychedelics at times… definitely not on a regular. Basis… he has taken DMT before but only twice with a year between… so I guess I’m not sure what the difference would be to introduce a ceremonial setting to this process.  We briefly met and she seemed very sweet and the children were sweet and funny… actually a few of them noticed how much they enjoyed my energy and wanted me to continue to visit and hangout… lol… i do enjoy youthful energy and so it’s easy for me to connect to them.  But anyway… tomorrow I’ll reach out to start planning on getting this rolling.  I did have another Bufo ceremony when I took time away from Journaling.  It was beautiful like it normally is… and it’s fun to see where it goes.  This time was another focus on my little buddy Elvis.  It’s really amazing to see how he responds and how I responde to him in ceremony… I can see he wants badly to relax and trust me, but then I can see the struggle that he goes through too… but when we share ceremony together… we really able to spend that time deepening our connection together.  In this time here at my dad’s place… I can see a lot of improvement when it comes to him trusting and wanting to receive love more… which makes me happy.  I’m not sure how I feel about the whole protectiveness towards the other cats… I know it’s healthy for him not being scared or cower to the cat, but it’s unusual to see him being so aggressive at times.  I know we’re going to work more on getting him to the point to be more comfortable around other animals… he’s already getting better with my dad too… lol… he really seems to want my dad to give him attention and affection… it’s really funny because he talking in an unusual manner and i think it makes my dad uncomfortable… lol… I think my dad thinks Elvis could hurt him at any moment… lol.. and it’s not like he’ll be able to hurt him too much… but I’m used to getting a few scratches… he doesn’t like to be held so he jumps away which causes scratches… i grew up with dogs and I liked to get them playing and being a little rowdy… and so I tend to do that with my cats too… and so there’s some scratches from there too… but just like dogs.. I let them know what’s acceptable which is playful and when it goes too far… but again it’s a work in progress.    

There’s another guy who wants ceremony but I’d like to have another opportunity to chat with him… he’s got a lot of moving parts in his schedule so we’re trying to find a time together… he said he’d like to invite me to dinner and I said that’s fine… I’ve been taking long walks lately… maybe we can just do that too… but we’ll see how that falls into play.  ANd there was a third guy who I’m still interested in sharing ceremony with… but I think there’s going to be another time to hangout again… there’s a little residue that seems sexual and I’m trying to get that taken care of before we go into ceremony.  He’s suggested going on a hike somewhere and so I might try to find out what can be done this weekend… I’d like to either have ceremony or go hiking or camping… really… if we went camping then I can see sharing ceremony because it’s just hard to not take advantage of sharing Nature’s energy especially during ceremony when it seems to appreciation is amplified.  

I’m not sure what’s going on with my schedule of sleep right now… it just seems to get pushed back later and later… lol… literally maybe the last five days I haven’t been going to sleep until noon… that’s pretty crazy… I haven’t had this schedule before…and honestly I don’t really want to continue this… but I have to admit that I do like all this alone time if that makes any sense.  I have a lot of alone time, but it feels like it’s different when everything around is silent.  Ok… this is good for now… until next time. 

[withinUverse]

Well hello again… I’m not forgetting my Journal, but I am trying to just be a little more.  It’s been quite nice actually… I guess I can thank my dad again for this.  I have been able to just be whom I want to be with him… he already does this as well… and I know I’ve said this but I thought he was looking to be happier, but he is already as happy as he wants to be… mostly because of his freedom.  I’m still reviewing over my values each day… in fact I’ve already written out the definitions mostly by memory…. So I’m getting there.  But this has helped me relax and just enjoy myself more in everything I’m involved in.  I think I’m going to go ahead and write them again… using my memory of the definition.  

Spirituality:  Personal transformation of consciousness to deepen understanding of unconditional love and infinite possibilities to be in unison with Universal authenticity.  

Right now this is more of a background system in my experience… this is constantly being a factor and mostly on the basis of unconditional love… As I watch my decisions I’m not judging myself but seeing how there is a part of me that wants to judge my actions or more of my inactions of expectations that i had placed on myself before.  Just in general I’ve been very strict on myself the last five years and I’m finding that I want to break this habit of strictness…. The other value of playfulness is also assisting me at this time.  

Freedom:  Personal authority to be instinctively myself at any given moment and available for Infinite Intelligence’s spontaneous attractions.  

This is more consciously in my for front lately… just really deciding almost moment by moment my actions depending on how I feel.  And I’ve been allowing spontaneity in… I‘ve been more involved with my dad’s daily existence in his environment… so I’ve been taking the rounds with him to notice the progress of his fruit trees and plants.  Help mow and found a ton of wild strawberries… and his strawberry patch is producing mature strawberries which are delicious.  Unfortunately his bees did not make it through the winter… he had it out still to try to draw in possibly a new colony of bees, but it was attracting a large group of ants… so he wanted to go ahead and process the honey and the beeswax and pretty much start from scratch… he’s not going to move forward this summer but he’s preparing for another family of bees to come for next year.  So we’ve never processed honey or beeswax before… lol.. without running water it’s been interesting and sticky… lol… but we’ve figured it out.  I know he wants to ask me what to do as if I’ve had experience… i told him we can use Youtube and then just adjust as we see fit.  

I also found myself walking around town… I’ve been looking for some woods… the value of Nature has definitely been pulling to me and I knew I was going to find something I’m looking for and I finally found it.  I had a friend ask if I wanted to play frisbee golf with him… and I had played once before years ago… but I joined him and it was the perfect spot that I’ve been looking for… it’s in the woods and there is 27 holes… it’s really been fun!  I’ve been going almost everyday for a week now… sometimes twice a day… i just really enjoy being in the woods… we have a little creek that runs through town and through the course…so the noise of everything really satisfies me.  I’ve been running into some old friends who also play and new people of interest… so it’s been nice.. I’ve been promoting to people as I visit different stores to see if the general public of the town knows this forest exists for the public to enjoy since there aren’t any other spots like this unless they have it on their private land.  

Consciousness:  Intuitive acceptance and patient observing of personal and collective phenomena of the awe-inspiring perfection of Existence.  

These are all just working seamlessly together right now… having these in my awareness…a new hopefully programmed into my subconsciousness… I can really see a different approach to experiencing and this is definitely what I’ve been looking to change… I just didn’t know what it was exactly.  But just like how I enjoy village life of people just enjoying themselves alone and with the community without having to feel an obligation to external pressures… I’ve been finding that here in my small hometown too.  I’ve found people who are leading towards this style of living too which makes sense to me… and I also am speaking to people who are struggling with the external pressure…which I can definitely relate to.. and so it’s been beneficial for both of us to attract each other to have these conversation.

Wellness:  Optimal discerning open mind, sensuous fit body, and trustful spirit to be capable to engage completely and harmoniously with Consciousness.

Keeping an open mind for me… has me think and explore different opportunities to share with others and even by myself… but the discernment comes to play almost spontaneously in a moment of decision… so the ideas float there as options…. Let’s say specifically with socializing… and then the discernment usually has me approaching differently based upon my current conversations with them.  And then there are other times… where I think I’m not going to be expressing as much as I end up sharing because of the receptivity of some which I didn’t expect.  This frisbee golf course is pretty hilly and it’s been giving me a really good work out.  So I was sore after the first day but I just continue to go and walk it out and stretch a bit at home before and after… until my soreness works itself out… there’s been about two days now that I didn’t wake up sore so that’s a good sign.  The trustful spirit is also trying to push itself into the forefront as well… I have to say I still am thinking of options I have… and really there’s no right or wrong option… so I just keep being patient with myself and allowing my spirit to be lead where it wants to right now… if that means just staying still or getting ready to move… either way… it’s what it is and I’ll be looking forward to what comes out of each day.

Nature:  sensuous stimulating experiences with various energies when aware of symbiotic relationships of the Universe which is beautiful, powerful and fulfilling.  

Oh man the woods have been huge for me.  Again the sounds in the woods just really seem healing or enjoyable… the sounds of the wind blowing the leaves and plants… the dancing of the plants and trees with the wind… the sounds of the water… and sight of cottonwood floating and hovering in the wind and landing on the water and have it’s rhythm change now flowing with the current.  The birds, squirrels and the bunnies everywhere… and actually not just in the forest I’ve been spotting them in different locations as I’m walking around town.  But I love spotting them.  I spotted a little frog and got a video of him… I’ve heard a few of them around the creek but only see there after ripple of them jumping in… but this little guy was away from the water and I happen to see his movement when playing.  I explore a bit to see what it was… and there was this little frog covered in cottonwood so blended right in to the ground.  I took a video of him and he wiped off the cottonwood on his face so i could get a better look at his beauty… hehe… he was pretty cute.  The course was actually built on the old landfill… so if there wasn’t so many shattered glass everywhere… it would be nice to walk around barefoot but I do that a little around the house.  

But I have been noticing just the interactions with human nature too.  It’s been very fulfilling to find conversations with people who are really close to my definition of the value of Family.  Again everything is flowing quite nicely together… And I’m thankful I took the time to review my Values to change my mindset or upgrade it really to where I’m at now and what I’m attracting into my experience.  

Learning:  Process for curiosity to explore, discover, and significantly integrate new or deepening insights and experiences to contribute to inclusive applications.  

Lol… learning to accept how much my self wants to relax, rest and have meaningful conversations… I’m not even sure if meaningful conversations is accurate… but just the joy of having more relaxed conversations and wherever that leads has been enjoyable.  I know I’ve always enjoyed talking to most of the people I spend time with here in Indiana… and it’s funny when I hear someone say or refer to themselves as from this small town or from this state as if its unexpected to be spiritually progressive… and it’s makes me chuckle because I have found that to be true for awhile now… but honestly we’re found everywhere… and I’m loving the opportunities to attract them into my experience.  

I’m also still having running conversations about ceremony with guests… they’ve been vastly different in approach… well all I know I”m vastly different with it comes to patience and discernment… so I’m continue to prepare myself.  I know that when I was sharing ceremony in the past I usually had to evolve from people and environment… so I know that’s the case this time around too… and so I”m trying to stay open to approach in ways that I’m not used to doing.. but also I know I’ve tried many things already and found things that just don’t work as well as others… so being honest with my recommendations but also having people collaborate in how to setup the ceremony.  

Playfulness:  Aspiring to attract ecstatic experiences where the focus is on laughter, easygoingness, quirkiness, and cooperation. 

This has been more in my awareness and it’s been helping me a lot to relax and not be so intense… lol… I say that and I think in general I have a good equilibrium in this.. but i also know that there will be these sudden moments where it’s off the hook… lol… at least in my opinion of it.. and the easygoingness has really helped which does lead to more laughter and allowing my quirkiness to be shared and everyone enjoying each other.  I mean it all started with downloading the Boggle game… I’ve downloaded more… and it’s been years since I’ve allowed myself to play games online… and even watching more tv with my dad to bond.  Again I’ve just been strict and right now… I just want to play a lot more and not take things so seriously.  It’s been nice.

Creativity:  Courageous attempts to expand imagination by combing intelligence, memory, insight, and Source.  

This surprisingly enough to me is probably where I’m not as focused on… creativity usually is something that drives me… I’ve packed most of my arts and crafts away so I haven’t been creating in that manner.  There are things I’m trying to manifest which is attempts of expanding my imagination… yeah that has probably been the trickiest as of late… but I’m patient to see where it leads and I’m confident that things float and exist but once it manifests… it’s only the beginning to another manifestation being created.

Communication:  Amalgamation of authentic expressions of emotions and thoughts, observing subtleties, and active reciprocal engagements to connect in shared experience.  

Communication has been easier it seems… and I really believe it’s because I’m attracting people who want to communicate well too.  It’s always nice when at the end of the conversation there’s a mutual agreement that the communication and time shared was beneficial and rewarding to all parties involved.  

Family:  Inspirational desire to connect intimately by receptivity, honesty, acceptance, and devotion to creating supportive energies and synergetic experiences.  

This right here has been really great.  There’s family everywhere… even though we might not share the same definition or label… to be able to find family in any form is very very satisfying… and being able to open myself more to the possibilities and the blood family I absolutely adore are not ready to actually be this type of definition of family… that it’s ok… I find family and I’m patient for family to realize what family means… lol…

 

But yes… resetting and reviewing and reprogramming my values has really been useful.  And I just wanted to come back and check in… I”m not trying to completely dismiss this Journalling process… I’m just being more discerning as to what I’m sharing right now.  When I was purging… it was necessary, but it’s not necessary at this point… and I’m just wanting to free to be.   

[withinUverse]

Alright… man it’s been awhile.  Again I remember this online Journal and I know it was very beneficial for me.  I’ve actually been getting some people to start writing their own journals… not online but personally.  I have been enjoying myself lately.  Nothing big and exciting, but damn it’s so nice to just relax and chill and just see what differences I’m experiencing now.  And it’s been amazing.  Lol… if anyone sees or hears what I’ve been doing lately they don’t really know how I could be loving whaat I’ve been doing… but that’s the whole thing right… being able to find joy anywhere at anytime doing or just being whatever I choose to be at any moment.  I feel readjusting my values helps me see where I’m focused and it’s been rewarding.  I also try to mention values to people, but no one’s bit on that concept yet… hehe.  So yeah my conversations are changing up a bit.  I’m definitely feeling like I’m getting better at being patient and listening to where they are at and give a little bit of wisdom in words that i feel they understand.  It’s great to find people who are opening up more on our conversations.  It’s really nice.  Granted not everyone but that’s where my discernment is kicking in.  I”m just not spending much time or effort when people aren’t being receptive.  It’s like I’m noticing when they’re not really listening.. hehe.  I can see when they’re just in their heads and their listening to their thoughts instead of engaging in conversation.  And how I’m not getting frustrated as much.  So… there are people who are interested in sharing ceremony with me.  I love ceremony so i know I’d like to share with others, but I know many aren’t really ready and so having conversations there’s a lot that can be gained by spending time and attention with them.  I did end up sharing ceremony with one of the close friends I had growing up.  I believe I’ve mentioned her before.  I also asked if I could share our experiences together and she said it’s ok with her.  She has been the first person where I could see that she was open to what I’m learning.  I find myself chatting with her and I’ll even be saying out loud that I’m surprised at what I’m telling her.  Sometimes I know I go too far and it’s over her head, but I think it’s good to plant seeds.  She’s got serious curiosity.  She thinks what she’s asking makes her sound stupid… and i have to reaffirm her that her questions don’t make her look stupid… they’re great questions even if they sound simple.  Simple really goes deeper if she’s wanting to go deeper.  But we shared a Bufo ceremony together.  I had mentioned the trifecta and last time i was here… I wasn’t adding the third element in ceremony… so she started to get nervous.  She knows she doesn’t need to be anxious, but she can’t help herself.  I told her it’s normal and healthy… but I know in the middle of ceremony we’ll laugh out loud that we had to talk about possibly having a challenging time.  Because she’s pretty natural in this state.  She’s one of the ones who actually hasn’t gone into too much research with what I’m sharing her.  I’m confident that she trusts me, and I continue to tell her that she wants me to share about my experiences, but her experiences are going to be different.  But I feel it’s best to not have too much expectations going in.  We didn’t even do the trifecta and I told her that is always the case as well.  I don’t know how far we take each ceremony anyway…. Lol… but after ceremony a few days later… I finally got her full attention to ask how ceremony went for her.  I mean I know what I experienced and she stayed the night with me.  But the next morning was Father’s Day so she had her errands to run and then her daughter had her 21st birthday the following day.  So she had some busy days… I tried to stop by the next day but she was taking a nap and so I waited.  But she’s like how in the world can we explain it?  I laughed with her… it’s not really anything we can explain.  But we do enjoy expressing our experiences so we just have to have practice… this is a good time to start.  I know we spoke during ceremony, but how would you describe your experience?

She gets so excited when she tries to explain.  Her hands shake and she feels her body vibrates… at first it was so powerful and intense… in fact she pulled the trash can closer to her as if she felt like she was going to throw up.  I saw her doing this… I was finishing up my hit and as I was placing it down… I just whispered to her to relax…. Breathe… and she started to breathe and she went to sitting and then laid down.  I remember smiling and saying… this is what life really is.  In my mind I’m getting more hopeful that the people I’m sharing ceremony can experience nonduality.  But also in a general sense I expect them to start laughing at themselves and at me and at all the people we know… everything as in fear, doubt, worries, and pain melts away…. And for this moment I anticipate people will just start laughing at all the bullshit we put ourselves in… lol… but that’s not what happened… but she was closing her eyes and breathing deliberately and slowly.  To her at this time and other moments we’ve shared in ceremony she says…. It’s everywhere… it’s everywhere… I don’t know how to explain it but it’s everything.  I chuckle and so do she… She realizes that doesn’t really explain anything but she doesn’t know how to describe it.  She looks at me and asks me… do you know what I’m trying to say?  Well… with my experience and knowing you…. I’m not sure but when I hear you say that and how you say it is that you are realizing that everything is a part of you.  It’s going from being a spectator and looking at things that are separate from you which is over there… but then you realize… oh it’s not over there… it’s here and it’s a part of me and I’m a part of it…. Lol… am I close?  And she’s like yeah… that’s how it feels.  Now I want to go deeper with her about this… this is a very important insight but I want things to settle in for her… and also finding a time that we can be by ourselves again to really chat.  But as I was thinking about this… this is a good way to explain to people the difference between recreational to intentional psychedelics.  One of many but this one… intentional psychedelics can give you the experience of oneness which has many degrees.  Yes she seemed to understand that there’s something connecting everything together.  When she looks around the room she doesn’t see a space where it doesn’t exist.  But I’m not sure she really connected that it’s too as well… I think she did but I want to make sure see gets planted with this fact… even if she doesn’t see it in herself.. I’m sure she can feel it.  I might try I to go more into the fact that she is intimately involved with what she’s experiencing.  And the more conscious part of her is creating this experience.  That’s a good way to possibly explain Aya ceremonies too… she’s ultimately creating the experience so that’s why her experience is very personal.  And so it’s easy to digest that she possibly could be creating a psychedelic experience, but ultimately that’s what’s going on at all times… but she won’t realize it at first but having that run in her mind in the background… it might get her to be more open.  I’ve already been emphasizing the trick is to not know rather than to know.  It’s easy to reference a friend of ours that we hangout with… its one of her neighbors.  She confesses to me that it annoys her when he acts like he knows it all and it’s obvious to us that many of the things he says he knows.. he really doesn’t.  And so it was an easy example to explain that he wants to know it all… since he knows it all then he’s not really as open to learn knew things.  Granted we know things… but we can always know things at a deeper level… so if we’re more open to know we don’t know it all, then our learning can be accelerated.  She’s got a good handle on what I’m trying to tell her, but I know she can only understand by what she’s experienced and reflected on.  But again I’m around to help trigger her memory when she gets distracted… lol.  

There was a long moment in ceremony where we just stared into each others eyes… it was as if we were locked in… and I asked her if she remembers this and she said yes… I said that a way to explain this is we’re able to look at ourselves at a soul level we could say.  I asked her if she was trying to describe who she was looking at?  When I was looking at her… I wasn’t thinking of this is Desiree and this is the girl I’ve been close friends with since sixth grade.  She has a daughter and on and on… I was looking at you who is me being able to observe ourselves in a really deep manner without all the backstory playing in our heads.  She agreed and said there has been many points in ceremony where she seems to be able to look at me at the soul level.  I tried to explain to her that not all the people I share ceremony can see each other at that level.  I tried to explain that I have a rememberance of the soul level when I speak to people.  Again… lol… sometimes I’m waiting for everyone to start breaking down laughing realizing that we are playing out this story we don’t know each other… but we are ancient and infinite friends… lol… so do we really have to play this game out?  But it’s not like it’s not fun to play this game out.. but really… really we know each other at a soul level…. Lol.. anyway I told her… even though I’m aware of this… I have to play out the game to see where they are in the game, right.  If they’re on the level of strangers and having all these problems they have to get a handle on… I’ll play it out.  And honestly I’m getting better at playing this game out.  I think I’m better at playing along but also seeding a few things for things to get their minds curious enough to explore more.  She knows that I like to give examples… and she also knows that many times I’m giving examples to explain what I’m seeing in her experience… but also it’s helping me learn at a deeper level for myself too.  She’s very observant and bright… she just doesn’t have that confidence in her and that was her main message.  

First of all she asked… what do you actually mean when you say you get messages.  I said… do you have any moments when you’re in ceremony and your mind tells you something to notice or understand?  She said well I think my message was “to focus on myself”… and i chuckled again… that’s an amazing message and I was getting that for you too.  I remember telling you that in ceremony and I remember when she said yes… focus on me… it wasn’t as if she heard me saying it… but she was saying as if… yeah that’s what I was just getting it and you were able to say it out loud and it helped me understand this is important for me to remember and feel.  I told her during ceremony that she just needs to relax and be patient… her mind needs to slowly adjust to the changes.  But there’s not a manual to tell her what she needs to do to focus on herself.  She said she understood… I told her spiritual work is challenging because she’s got to try many new things and there’s no guarantee that it’s going to be a fit for us… but going through that process we get more discerning… and also as we mature… our process will mature with us.  The thing with her… she is a recovering addict… so she knows the tough choices she had to make to get her out of her addiction.  And I told her… there’s going to be tough choices ahead of her still… if she really wants to focus on her spirituality.  She’s a people pleaser and I know exactly how that is and the challenges I’ve had to face and overcome to see where I am wholistically before I go to help people right now.  I know a few suggestions I have for her, but I’m not sure if I’m going to tell her… maybe in passing if she wants some suggestions.  I have already told her she’s the authority of her life… so i might keep it that way unless she wants some specific suggestions.   That’s another thing I want to mention… when she asked me what I meant by receiving messages… I though that was a great question… because to me it’s very obvious… but after she asked me… I realized how someone won’t understand unless they’ve had it themselves.  So yes… in my experience I’m not having someone else coming to me in ceremony and telling me messages… again it’s always felt like it was myself but I guess my higher consciousness self giving me messages… and I know now that my state of consciousness will interpret and understand it in the way and manner I could at that point.  And I know when I go back to my messages I can see something that I missed the first time.  But it was good for me to get better at explaining to people when I know the areas that aren’t really clear.  I can put it a bit clearer for people… the best I can… hehe.  There has been a few times where I’ve heard an actual voice that did seem it was something “other” than me… so again… in these states I’m interpreting them as other… I still seem to enjoy feeling there’s an alternate version of me who wants to guide me.  Because… when I heard these voices… it was shocking and jarred me… because again it was as if I heard them through the ears not through the mind like as if I’m having conversations in my dreams lets say… they hearing is mental hearing but not filtering through my ears mostly.. but when they filtered through my ears… it really does seem more significant and strange.  I don’t think I’ve told her all the ways I’ve received messages… so yeah I guess this is helping me figure out opportunities to go deeper with her if we can find the time.d. Of course… once we get together it’s much better to go with the flow and natural… so maybe it’s not just for her and me why I’m writing it out.  

But yeah… in my hometown I’m running into some interesting characters… and i”m really enjoying myself.  I’m finding myself more open for spontaneous attractions as well… so I knew I wanted to get out and explore more.  I went to the wastewater plant in town and I thought it was cool… I had already heard about the process but to see it and get it explained by an enthusiastic employee was very awesome.  I know that triggers community designs and gets me wanting to ask more questions and see the other styles of how other communities do it.  Just one example our little town the sewer and rainwater is combined.  He mentioned this so then I figured there’s other systems where they are separate…so I’d like to see what the differences are.  It was pretty funny too because they updated their system about seven years ago… so there were plants and trees growing in their older buildings and since I studied a bit about Earthships and I love the way the recycle water… I asked if they’re using the plants to help filter too… and he laughed… no we just aren’t clearing out the older spaces as often as we should.  That’s when we used sand to filter out… and so I asked him what the differences to the update and the changes they made.  That was near the final when they used to put chemicals into the water and then used the sand to do the final filteration… they use the ultraviolet lights now as the final step to sterilize the water before placed back into the creek.  I also would like to know more about the activated sludge that’s created…. we went into the lab, but he’s not part of the lab so he just explained the basics and we saw a chart of the microorganisms that can be or is part of the activated sludge.  But I believe they have farmers come and pick it up to make fertilizer.  I wonder if I can get the company name again… he named a specific company that’s not too far from our town who takes the majority of the sludge… if I could do a little field trip there too… it would be fun… there’s a few things popping up all over the place that’s drawing my attention…. So I’m not sure who and what I’m going to bump into… but yeah… life is good… until next time 

[withinUverse]

Ok Ive been contemplating and I think this would be good to write it out in the Journal.  So I’ve been talking to these guys for awhile about ceremony.  I know how seriously I have taken psychedelics but also how Ive been more on the conservative side with them.  Even when I was younger participating in a recreational sense… I never had the inclination to try to dose large amounts… so some of the people ive been working with our friends and they tend to be that type to try to push psychedelics.  So originally I was questioning if they’re actually ready to experience a different approach to psychedelics and ceremony.  I thought that maybe they actually arent ready… but I also was thinking I am being very picky because I know that most arent approaching it the way I do… so why not at least give them a taste… so more casually then what i would do before.  So I happened to be talking with one of the guys and took him to play disc golf for the first time.  We were having good conversations and when we finished we walked out of the woods and found another guy ive been working with hanging out with his dog.  He was about to take the dog out into the woods.  Well it was mentioned that he and another guy who ive been working with would stop by later at the guy i was with later.  At that moment I didn’t know if i was going to go.  But I dropped him off and grabbed some dinner and I was thinking… well… maybe since they’ll all be together… maybe I can introduce them to Bufo.  lol… actually Ive been playing this online game called Two Dots and been really enjoying it.  There’s a few sections with different game categories… but it was the first time that I cleared an entire level and the trophy I was awarded was the Bufo Trophy… lol… that was just the night before meeting up with the guys… so there was already a seed planted about Bufo.  So I thought… stop being so picky… when its a group its going to be more casual so go ahead and bring the supplies with me and see if the opportunity comes up.  Well.. eventually it did… one of the guys had recently got changa and was asking about it.  I told him honestly that changa can be made up of many combinations so I dont know what his experience will be with his.  He seemed to be a little nervous about it and one of the guys asked him to go ahead and lets give it a try.  Well that’s when I interjected and asked if its ok if I show them a little taste of how I do ceremony.  I brought some supplies… now they already know about the trifecta… so I also reminded them that trifecta isn’t always guaranteed… but we can start with Bufo and see where it goes.  I asked them if they were on anything.  Two of them them had been smoking weed a little throughout the day and one of them has been trying to stop his addiction to opioids by using an alternative… sorry I cant remember what its called but I knew he would have that in his system but making sure nothing harsh was being used… and again I mention to them that ideally being clean of any other substance would be the way to approach ceremony, but I also told them what was going on in my mind about thinking that they only approach psychedelics in a more recreational way… and the combination of contemplation can really bring about a new approach to a familiar tool… eventhough it was there first time with Bufo.  They were all hanging out and I started preparing.  Normally when its a one on one I explain everything I’m doing, but I got up and started clearing out the space with some Paolo santos all over the room.  I started to get the supplies for clearing out the sinuses.  I asked them if they’ve used “hape” or actually “ra-pe”.  They had not, but one said he’s seen people use it online.  So I had to restate that actually I’m prepping people to get an idea of how to prepare for Aya.  So when they go, this would be common practices… so I had them blow their nose… I saw them prep in three ways… one was really following my instruction.  One was more hesitant and was questioning what I was asking for.  And one in the middle.  When it came to sniffing it in the nostrils two of them were pretty good… and the one who was hesitant ended up not placing the kuripe inside the nostril and blew it into his eye instead… lol… and believe me I gave him a demonstration and he was the last one to do it so he saw three people do it before he went.  So I ended up helping him blow it into his system.  Explaining that we want things to drain through the system and we’re going to go ahead and spit out the mucus.  When you start spitting up brown then its gone through the system but continue to let it drain… we want to not have to worry about spitting when we go in.  Now I also normally have Sananga for clearing out our eyes, but mine has expired because normally theres an intense to semi-intense experience.  when I was doing my solo sessions I couldn’t feel it working.  I still put it in my eyes, but I didn’t bring it for them because they weren’t going to fully get the benefits, but I explained that is part of the preparation.  Trying to prepare the body as much as possible to receive ceremony.  I go through the process of how to burn and also inhale.  I know they are experienced in this type of process, but I also know I’ve seen people rush the process too.  Actually during the ceremony I had to explain it again because when I watched them light it up… they could do it a little more effectively… hehe… I was explaining to them that this could be a very sensual process for ceremony.  Think of this as your lover… you want to get a very deep connection together so take our time.  I asked if they happen to see how I was taking it and only the one who was hesitant said he noticed… he wasn’t fully getting a hit.. hehe… which was obvious to me that he wasn’t going to because of how he was hitting it.  Anyway I told them them that you want every piece of her to be enjoyed… so there’s no rush.  I told them also that what I have are more chunks instead of thin sheets so it’s going to burn differently.  When it’s pieces that are thin sheets then it lights up quickly… instantly… but when it’s chunks it takes some time to get it to burn… not like a whole lot of time but in comparison.  So I light the Bufo and I’m not instantly inhaling…. I’m watching her getting hot and smoking up and then I’ll take a sip of her… and I’ll continue to light her fire and she’ll continue to smoke and I’ll continue to sip.  Now I love her essence so I’m holding in her essence through the whole process… and I want to savor it as long as I can before I exhale.  For me… I am trying to get every piece of her essence into me so at the end when I’m running out of air and also getting to the end of her substance that’s when I really activate my extra reserve of inhalation to get it all in.  I told them… by the end of the building up the burn experience we will be in.  There will be no doubt that you are in.  While they were lighting up I could tell there was questions in their faces and I said you haven’t taken enough… I even had to load two of them again… I believe they were trying to burn and inhale too hard and I think a lot of it was wasted.  But when I share again… I’m hoping it’s going to be more of a one on one experience… I know they’ll want to take their time and now they saw there was nothing to be concerned with.  They’ll just be more willing to go in deeper in our next sharing.  

The guy who was more hesitant I’ve actually known the longest in the human sense… hehe… he was in my same class and graduated with me.  And I know he’s on the stubborn side which is fine but I also know he wasn’t going to get the full experience like I hoped.  There’s more of a trust issue… it’s not necessarily that he doesn’t trust me, right… he doesn’t know if he can truly trust his decisions.  He’s the one getting himself out of the addiction to opioids…. And he’s a recreational user… so I know if I was smoking something he’s done before… he knows he’d go all in, but with this he wasn’t sure.  And I deal with this a lot when I’m with guests… hehe… I even lighted Bufo for him to try to assist him on the way to do it.. but he wasn’t really wanting to inhale it fully and did things that I asked him not to do… hehe… right we don’t want to inhale quickly but taking some sips when we see the smoke so we have a slower inhale or draw.  He took it quickly which ended up not being held long and started to come out as soon as it went in… hehe… which is fine again it happens a lot.  And I told him he needs more try to hold in what he still has and relax and we’ll try to go more… and I continued to try to get him to take it more fully but I could see that he didn’t want to.  It’s not that he didn’t get a taste, but he didn’t get the full experience because after we were in and coming down… he was the first to come down and wanted more.  I spoke to him that I’m not going to give him more this time…. In my mind I want him to hear how we were experiencing it compared to himself…. Not that it wasn’t great what he had experienced but he knows he could’ve gone deeper and fully and when he gets the next opportunity to share with me.  He’ll be more ready and hopefully we can go in fully together.   The middle man also admitted that he wasn’t as fully confident into going in and the next time he’ll be ready to go slower and I think they really liked the analogy of thinking Bufo as like a lover… and wanting t o get the most out of her but also taking our time.  That’s all that I shared with them and again I’m trying to show them my approach.  I’ve also tried to explain when its a one on one… I can focus on our shared energy and if I feel we can go deeper there can be opportunities to continue with each step.  When its a group people are responding differently and I want us to be a shared experience as much as possible.  In actuality… going to one on one ceremonies will get them more familiar and get their nervousness out that later we can do a group experience and then the shared experience will go deeper.  Again Aya is where I want them to be able to be as receptive as possible and I know if we can trust and relax into these experiences… it will help to go deeper with Aya which we’ll share one day.  

So I allowed a day away from it… well actually my buddy who was the most hesitant needed a ride the next day….so I helped him with a ride and it was funny that he didn’t even bring it up.  Something else I want to mention he’s a fellow artist… well all of them are, but he brought his watercolors to the ceremony and he ended up painting a Bufo toad during the ceremony and I have it now.  I love it!  The frog is so calm and peaceful and blissful!  It is beautiful!  But yesterday I got a hold of the buddy who I took disc golfing the other day for the first time.  I asked him if he wanted to join me again for another round of the game so we can discuss his experience.  So it was very hopeful when I heard him trying to explain his experience.  What was really good was he had questions at some of the comments I had made during ceremony that he wanted clarification.  He’s getting a better idea of language and words being subjective and to get a better understanding there needs to be a deeper conversation.  There was a time I was telling them I have to play their games… but I will because I know that’s what I have to do to get you to experience something you don’t know exists.  He was asking what I meant.  And I understand if I say I have to play your games… it can be taken in many ways.  Ultimately I told him what I’m trying to say is when I’m getting to know you and where you’re at… mostly I have to listen to all the trouble and shit that’s going on in your life.  And the game I play in a way is allowing you to think that Reality is such a tough and hard thing…. Lol… when literally I do not think Reality is that way at all… hehe… I continued to get him to explain how he felt while Bufo was a part of his consciousness… how did you feel… did you think Reality was shit?  Or did you feel blissful?  And of course he said he loved it and while we were in ceremony I looked at him and said this is how you can feel at anytime… its to inspire us to grow our consciousness to feel this way.  I am trying to explain that what he thinks is trouble and shit is judged at a level of consciousness which doesn’t see the beauty and intelligence that’s actually being experienced… when our level of consciousness increases… the trouble and shit may still be going on but its not a negative experience.  It’s not effecting us in a negative manner.  We will get a better understanding that it’s actually Universal perfection.  But at every level of consciousness; its perfection… which is quite magical… but the more conscious we are the more we are perfection at whatever state we are in.  I try to explain discernment but also whatever decisions we make there’s not a wrong choice…. That choice is all that we can make at our current state but something other consciousness is telling us we can make different choices… but that’s where the work comes into play.  Are you hearing what to change but are we aware of how much we don’t want to do it even though that’s what’s the higher conscious level we’re working towards. I was telling him about “backsliding” and base levels of consciousness… I know he doesn’t understand everything I’m telling him, but I’m still going to plant seeds.. and I did suggest Actualized.org again to him… because he has many questions and Leo has done a brilliant job in his work so I know I dont really want to explain everything to him… if he’s really curious then he’ll do this on his own time.  This guy I think… thinks he has a chance to share in a sexual experience with me.  He said when he was in the ceremony he wanted to touch me and he said it would be dangerous for us to be alone together.  I addressed it but I did it in an implied way and a bit subtle.  I know if we share solo ceremonies we’ll have a much deeper conversation.  He doesn’t realize that I don’t have the same feelings… lol… I’ve told him about the man I love but I haven’t gone into the details that he needs to hear.  But I also know I’m more confident in myself that I actually want to put myself in that situation so I can see where I am truly at.  I don’t want to be an unconscious or toxic healer of sexuality… it’s hard to explain, because I know if something happened between us it’s not toxic… but I’m not wanting to share those experiences with him.  He thinks he can help me with my orgasm issue…hehe… and he doesn’t realize it’s not been the guys I’ve been with that was the issue… the issue was my mental issues.  So i have an idea how I’d respond but in actuality I won’t really know my conscious base line until I get into that situation.  Outside of ceremony I know my baseline… but when I’m in ceremony… I can be a less grounded and allow things to happen that I wouldn’t consider outside of ceremony.  

That’s another thing I had to explain was I am trying to explain not being grounded in ceremony.  I admitted to him that there was a moment in ceremony where our shared experience became an eternal moment and it almost came to a point that this was what I was going to be experiencing from now on… but I am noticing I’m getting better at grounding because I had to remind myself and them that our outside Reality is going to be coming back and we’re back into our base line but hopefully there will be a memory of the potential.  I know in ceremony I was almost to the point to just accept that the four of us were the only ones in existence and everything outside of our perception was not our experience… And yes there was a moment where I thought this is where I’ll be for eternity… but shortly after I was like… but I don’t want to spend eternity with them… lol… not that they aren’t great people but I want variety and honestly at this moment… there’s someone else I’d like to have there instead of them.  But I was thinking if I would have a different opinion if I was with him for an eternal moment… and right now… I think variety would still be my choice but I think I could want to stay in our eternal moment longer and savor it more… lol… the first time I tried Bufo he was the first person I thought to share this with… hehe.  I don’t even know if he’d entertain sharing Bufo with me, but damn… I think it would be absolutely phenomenal… lol… but anyway I also want to work on the point I don’t need Bufo to absolutely have a phenomenal time with him.  But anyway… that’s what I’ll say for today.  I think I’m going to get ahold of the middle man today to see what his experience was like in more detail.  

Oh I about forgot… I might’ve had an opportunity to attract a learning opportunity.  I want to learn how to run an excavating equipment to do the dig in Peru… and another guy I’m working with happens to run an excavator with his job.  I’m going to be setting up an interview with the bosses… lol… I haven’t had a formal interview in many many years… I usually talk to them casually and not in a formal setting… but I laugh because I know I’m going to be an unusual candidate.  I’m going to be interviewing them as much as they will me.. if not more because I’m picky… lol.  In fact because I know they’re involved with the industry I’m wanting to learn I’m going to be asking if they have personal side projects they’re working on… or network if they know anyone who would be a fit for how and who I am and what I’m trying to learn.  Normally I’m sure they get people who are wanting to work 40 hours if not overtime to get money…. And that’s just not what I’m looking for.  Now if the opportunity is exactly what I’m looking for then I’m willing to give those hours and attention… but I also know and they will know that its for a temporary period of time… and I’m trying to ground myself more so I don’t have to give all the details but they’re going to know that I have building projects in the jungle that I’m working on and that’s why I would love the opportunity to learn from them.  Ok… that’s good enough for now.  Until next time

[withinUverse]

Wow… so my confidence is almost restored in sharing ceremony.. hehe… I finally had a guest over where we were able to go quite deep into the essence of the Bufo ceremony that we can hold.  So… I’ve been talking to a few people this time round returning to Indiana… last time I was here I was all about sharing ceremony.  This time I was a bit more reluctant for many reasons.  I have been I guess screening people more before entering into ceremony with them.  This morning I went to play frisbee golf with this gentleman along with his son.  His son is diagnosed on the spectrum of autism.  He was adorable even though he was getting impatient on us playing the game.  He thought he wasn’t good at the game, so he stopped trying and was strolling along while we were throwing.  Anyway we threw a few holes and I enjoyed myself.  I was planning on going to a drum circle with a new friend but it was cancelled last minute.  But the friend I was playing golf with ended up admitting in a text that he really wants to experience ceremony with me.  I told him I’m looking forward to it as well.  He has to go to Ohio to work for the week so I knew he would have to get up and leave by 3am… so I offered him to join my today but late afternoon early evening instead of at night which I usually enjoy more.  I had already been thinking about introducing my style of ceremony during the day with the different substances to try to create the environment as a bit more easy to experience with less fear.  I’ve been learning that I’m not going to find someone who approaches this style of spirituality in the manner I have chosen… So trying to figure out what’s going to be the more approachable way to introduce others to ceremony.  So I said lets share Bufo… so he dropped off his kids and arrived at my place.  

I welcomed him in and lead him into my bedroom where I’ve setup for ceremony.  I’ve got like two queen sized mattresses butted next to each other to create a very large and comfy space and I have ton of pillows to again help make them comfortable.  He started to nervously chuckle and said… ok so how does this go?  I’m actually getting nervous now.  I chuckled and said there is nothing to be nervous about, but I know you won’t understand until he experiences it.  So I started with how I love Bufo and why I feel it’s a great introduction into ceremony.  He knows I’m trying to prepare guests for Aya.  That’s why he came to me in the first place is to go to an Aya retreat.  I’ve been talking with him since around November.  He was referred by a mutual friend who I knew when I was going to school.  The mutual friend and I haven’t actually spoken in many years… he just happened to run across some of my videos I was posting when I was in Peru last.  So he knew what I’m trying to share to this group of people who happen to be connected to me.  I said Bufo for me… and how I’m hoping guests can experience is the taste of Enlightenment.  At least get a glimpse and hopefully gets them motivated to be aspiring towards Awakening.  Now I’ve already been talking to him about this… but I said its not a normal psychedelic that he’s had before but maybe he can understand that those cool and unusual experiences in those psychedelic states can be deciphered to obtain this state as the base consciousness level.  I know there’s a little bit of a lost in translation thing going on, but I feel he knows how to read between the lines… or at least there’s something I’m unable to tell him.  And after our Bufo ceremony he absolutely understands what I was trying to say… I cannot tell you what and how you’re going to experience… but it’s amazing and I’m excited to share it with him.  There was a lot more that I went into… some questions he asked I answered.  I started to show him how to prepare space and our vessels before going in.  I explained everything that popped into the experience to talk about.  The most important part was to explain how to take in the hit.  Hehe… he admitted after our first round that one of his thoughts was… I hope I do this right so she doesn’t get upset… lol… he also mentioned that it was getting hard for him to continue to light while he was trying to inhale.  So I went ahead and lit it the second time so he didn’t have to worry about it.  Any who…  the first attempt…

I watched him taking it in… I did notice that he wasn’t really rotating the flame to try to hit the Bufo chunks at different angles… I didn’t see the swirling smoke inside the pipe when he was lighting it.  I just observed though and didn’t mention it to him.  I went ahead and went afterwards and I noticed that I didn’t actually take the full amount I normally do… that’s happened before and usually that’s a sign someone hasn’t actually gone deep.  So I was observing him and seeing how he was responding.  He did automatically laid down… he was quiet but there was a little bit of movement in his body… as if he was adjusting the weight more evenly as he was laying down.  He started busting out laughing…again I was just watching… I wasn’t really called to do too much.  His first experience he was trying to talk about the experience very quickly maybe less than 10 minutes… and as he was talking it was great what he was saying but there was something in me saying… he can go deeper… he didn’t go all the way in.  I did eventually tell him that and we both agreed that mostly because this was the first time so he was a bit hesitant.  He also admitted that there was a darkness that surrounded him and he felt himself wanting to resist or even fight it… but he said he could hear me coaching him to relax and breathe… he focused on his breath and started hearing the music and he stopped wanting to fight and he said it started to finally fill him up.  So he said he could see how someone could fight and get a different experience.  He could feel an intensity rising in him when he was in that moment of struggle and he said if he allowed to go into that darkness how someone can experience a nightmare.  I told him different stories of guests I’ve shared this with.  I try to give him a wide spectrum of possibilities.  What he mentioned a lot from both sessions was how all the stress from his kids, his separation with his wife, his parents… all of it disappeared.  I asked him if he knew what that meant to him.  He couldn’t put it into words and said he wasn’t sure but at the same time he had clarity but it didn’t seem to be in word form… which was great.  I was trying to get him into the introspection and integration… so asking questions after the ceremony but not much time after the essence is fading… even when it’s there and fading.  Trying to get him used to the process.  Yes these experiences are amazing… but what about it felt so powerful… we don’t have to know right now… but hopefully it’s giving a memory of something we are becoming.  And what you’re working towards.  He laughed and said he’s all in now… hehe.  

There was a moment where I was close to him and he cradled me into a hug and his hands were roaming a bit… He had apologized for doing so and he said I think I even caressed your breast and he continued to apologize.  I told him that everything is fine.  He might not be getting messages in this atmosphere yet, but he will… but when he was doing that I was getting my own messages.  I had to tell him my reservations into sharing ceremony right now because of what i went through last time with my shaman and in the dieta.  I’ve already went into detail here in the Journal so I’m not going to do it again… but anyway… I wanted to be more grounded and confident that I didn’t want to engage in those activities with my guest.  There’s really only one person I want to share that type of experience with.  To me he wasn’t being aggressive and I know the feeling Bufo has on many of us and so I didn’t find it unusual… but I had no intention on letting it go far… a little caressing wasn’t a big deal and I didn’t want to turn the session into something sexual and it wasn’t… maybe a little for him, but I felt myself more grounded in my intentions that nothing went through my mind that I was going to give into his energy.  Plus I’m not offended but reminded him that I’m not interested in sharing that type of experience with him.  Lol… after the second session and as we were talking he mentioned again that if I ever want to share sex while using Bufo that he’s up for it.  I laughed again and said there is one man that I think of to share that experience with.  In fact the first time I tried Bufo almost three years ago… he popped into my mind because I thought holy shit he would be the one I’d love to share Bufo with… lol… and i told him… I don’t even know if I can get that man to share Bufo with me… he’s very stubborn.  I said I enjoy a challenge, but damn… i didn’t know I was attracting this much of a challenge… hehe…. Anyway… hopefully our spark can reach these levels and beyond without Bufo… but that time is not now.  

So after our first session and talking I said to him he can go in deeper.  He has a better idea of what to expect and to surrender even more.  Hopefully he doesn’t have any hesitation or feeling of fight or resistance.  And after the second ceremony he said that it was completely different going in with complete surrender.  He thought he enjoyed the first time but didn’t know it could feel and go in this direction.  He definitely knew that he went in deeper the second time, and I knew that as well.  I’m not sure what it is, but even the way we inhale I can get an idea if we’ve gone in deeper.  Again when I was lighting it for him I was rotating the flame and there was the rolling and billowing smoke and it was more consistent.  If it’s just thin sheets of Bufo, that’s not necessary, but when they’re in chunks it seems to help heat the outside until we break into the inside.  I knew with the amount of smoke and how much he was able to hold that he had a very good hit.  I also was able to take a deeper hit, but honestly I stopped myself short than I usually do… I went in deep with him, but maybe I don’t need larger amounts anymore… I’m not sure just an observation.  The second time he laid down instantly again… he was much more still… I laid down and was observing him as well… eventually he was moving around and I found myself telling him everything is alright…. He’s alright… relax everything is just fine… in my head I was afraid he was getting overwhelmed with the sensation and the extreme shift in consciousness… I had already talked to him getting into spiritual work and enlightenment…. Is not necessarily easy… there’s a base line that we’re trying to creep up and introduce us to knowledge or understanding… in ceremony it jumps… so I wasn’t sure if he was getting a bit overwhelmed by it.  He cradled me in again and I rolled on top of him and we were holding each other and hugging him.  It was a point of merging is how I can describe it… right things of the ousted world seems to be melting and our physical bodies are melting together too.  I started working on him but also cradling him… in between a few of my messages to him I’d remind him he’s doing so well and everything is fine.  I realized how deep he allowed the session to go and I thanked him, because this is how I would love for ceremonies to be.  He got a first hand experience to what I try to explain to him.  He wondered why it had taken me so long to share with him… and then why I wasn’t just sharing it with everyone who is interested.  He’s a recovering addict and he’s now helping addicts to recover now.  And I was trying to explain that not everyone is ready… and I don’t really want to spend my time and energy and effort on people who aren’t really ready.  I’ve got aspiration of my own.  I know I”m going to be working with people in ceremony, but I know I’m not going to be working with everyone… in a human sense… hehe… any way… he saw what I meant just by the difference we had in his two sessions.  I told him… most sessions are like what he had the first time… many people have a barrier up and we can only go so far.  The second time he let the barrier down and there was a different outcome and I was able to work on his consciousness a little bit myself because he was more open to it.  I told him I’m always hoping sessions go this deep… most of them aren’t.  I’m not sure if this is accurate or makes sense… but I was trying to explain to him… that as a shaman sharing ceremony I’m there for my guests.  I can go as far as you let me go.  I told you… I knew you didn’t completely surrender and suggested we go again.  This time was different… the only difference… was him… and his ability to trust in this process.  He also was talking about groups and something came up for me to tell him another comparison… I try to explain the collective influence.  Again it’s not this black and white but I’m trying to express in a dramatic way to get a better idea.  So when I’m in a group session…. As a group we’re going as far as the least conscious member of our group.  Granted its more elevated then their base level… but I explained to him… most likely we wouldn’t have gone as deep as we would have if there was someone else with us in ceremony.  When it’s a one on one situation… I’m not trying to inflate my abilities… but in most situations… I’m not going to be the one resisting the process… in fact I’m learning to ground so there’s more balance… but when I go I want to go and it’s a bit more challenging for me to return.  But I can feel the difference in me because I am getting better at grounding myself while in ceremony.  

The most thing I wanted him to understand…. I asked him, what words could I have used to explain this experience?  He laughed and said there was no way to explain it and prepare him… he said I did a good job but still my explanations were nothing to the actual experience.  And I wanted him to really digest that… that is a crucial key to remember.  Even when I’m saying this is a taste of what Enlightenment and Awakening is… but honestly… it’s not what you think it is until we actually go through it.  So even though I say this shows you what that state is… it is in a way, but it isn’t though too.  Plus the base line at an Awaken state isn’t as intense… it becomes your norm… which I think he gets in theory… but what I say today… I’m excited for him.  He’s really anxious to try Aya out…. He’s asked me when I plan on going back and I’m trying to explain to him that I’m trying to attract things into my life and I’m not putting a timeline on that.  There’s a lot more to my life then going back to drink Aya… even though it’s phenomenal and I want to return… integration and manifestation and attraction is important to me… and I’m a lot more relaxed in my approach.  Now I had to remind him that I wasn’t like that when I got my glimpses… I had a fire under me and I was wanting to go… and so if that’s where he’s at then I understand, but that’s just now where I’m at right now… but I also know that’s in me… so when I get that fire under me again… I’m going to go, but in a more clam and grounded manner.  So I’m going to be looking into a retreat that a friend of mine is involved with right now.  He has been a facilitator for ten of my ceremonies… right when I was beginning and I feel confident he would be an asset for anyone getting introduced into Aya.  Now of course I’d love for him to just wait until I return but I also know I’m not going to be rushing out into the center to host guests for ceremony… hehe…. I’ve got dietas planned… I’ve got messages I want to explore and I’d like to be able to focus on my work a bit before I’m responsible for guests to join.  Now I’m not sure how all the details will play out when it plays out, but that’s my thinking as of now.  I might not be aligned with his pace… and to be honest… when I knew I was ready… I was ready and nothing was going to stop me.  I still think he can do some more preparation before going… but again I don’t truly know what’s best for him… he’s the only authority who will know.  And it’s not that he will know that what he’s trying out is what he’s supposed to do, but it’s the response to what he tries will tell him.  As far as he knows… Bufo is something he would like to explore more into.  I think I’ll be showing him DMT soon maybe.  I mentioned that I might go ahead and introduce him to it during the daytime again… it’s quite different in the day in nature…. Much more approachable.  I had to laugh because I told him the personality I had when I first did Aya… we were supposed to do the first two sessions in a maloca where light was allowed to come into space to get people more comfortable instead pitch black.  Well after the first ceremony I asked to go to the pitch black because I could see how the blackness allowed for depth.  Not everyone thinks this way… and I can understand that and why not approach it where they’re more comfortable… and then… when they’re ready to step it up a little more… let’s do it!

 

 

So yeah wanted to come and write about it a bit… there were messages I were getting but this is a good chunk of it.  Yesterday I went to a friend’s place for a drum circle.  There were five of us… the host thought there were going to be closer to twenty… but honestly it was perfect!  We were meshing well with our beats and ended up having amazing conversations.  I’m going to a retreat on Tuesday where one of the guys lives and works.  He builds drums and on Tuesday he hosts lessons for his drum troop.  They had around seven shows last month… and I might have the opportunity to learn a bit of drumming in a structured way… not that structured… lol… just more than winging it.  I might get a chance to do some freestyle dancing too… not sure how I’ll feel when I get there… I’m looking forward to it.  I really enjoyed talking with this gentleman…. Very insightful!  Ok… this is good for tonight.  Until next time then  

[withinUverse]

Hey wait!!!  I just noticed that I now have the option to upload a file… lol… sweet!  I guess… I’m going to post a few pieces of art I’ve been working on.  I have these visions that I cannot stop thinking about and so I’ve started drawing and painting… so there’s a process I’m going through… I guess I’m in works of creating my next shamanic yantra.  It’s not finished yet, but I can still post what I’ve got so far.  I guess I want to explain that I’m trying to approach my style of art in a new way… I’m not sure if I’m explaining this well… but I’ve been doing art for a minute and I’ve got kind of a routine or structure that I’m comfortable with… mostly planning it out and using visual guides… I’m trying to break away from that.  I’m trying to figure out how to draw visions I have from memory… I’m not sure exactly what my process will be to do that, but I am trying to start deliberately working it out… and I guess this is a start to it.  

 

(EDITED: I decided to just post the third and fourth instead of all four because limitations)

Ummmm… I guess I’ll start out with what I started drawing first.  I’ve purging my material possessions and that includes many of the art supplies I had.  One day I was in the garage going through things and I ended up salvaging paper from an older photo album.  I didn’t keep a lot of art paper so I thought well these are nice large blank sheets… maybe I can draw something… hehe… and that what I did… this one actually isn’t finished either… almost but I’m not going to finish it… it was like the first step in my process.  So here’s the sketch I started with.  (Oh I haven’t been able to upload my stuff… I thought maybe it would insert into the text… Any way I think it will be in the order of how I upload it.  

The next is a painting I started because I ran into a buddy of mine who’s been homeless for a minute now.  He’s back in our hometown but he still prefers to live outside without walls now… but anyway he paints all the time and so I grabbed a canvas that I thought I could paint over and went to hangout.  I didn’t know where it was going to go… but eventually once I got started… i knew where it was going… but it’s a part of my visions that I don’t talk about as much… just because it’s more unusual than my others… so I’m still feeling my way on the appropriate time to talk about it… when people are more open to the ideo of it.  Anyway… I am not forgetting about it… well in a way I was forgetting about it… but when I was in creative mode… I was reminding myself to not forget… hehe… so that’s the second piece 

The third piece started pounding in my mind to try… kind of another drawing i was doing for my friend last year… what came first the chicken or the egg…. But anyway consciousness creating form into existence and then the created form being conscious of the ability to create (lol… oops… ok there’s a limit of MB to be able to upload to the post itself.  I thought maybe each photo… lol). So I’ll go ahead and post the last two pics on the next post.

The final one is again a work in progress… this will most likely become my shamanic yantra… honestly it might still be part of the process… this is a larger piece and I’ve got another canvas the same size that I’m willing to paint over too… so maybe I still have something I haven’t clicked into place where I’m trying to take this… this is a collaboration of the first three.  

 

(Edited:  I tried to upload the last two on the next post and wasn’t successful… so actually came back to remove the first two photos to insert the third and forth pieces.) 

 

 

Edited July 24, 2023 by withinUverse
Switched the photos to post