Chaos to Clarity... Exposing Myself

[withinUverse]

Alright... so I got to spend some time with my dad's family... we were celebrating Easter... my little second cousin I was babysitting on Wednesday was the only child there... He was so handsome... he had seafoam shorts with suspenders with a white button up shirt with little bunny outline shapes in gray... he also had a matching hat with bunny ears... too cute!  There was a good turnout... my dad, his brother, and one of his sisters were there and mostly his brother's kids and grandkids which the youngest except for the one-year-old is a senior in high school.  We always have chicken and noodles on our Sunday lunches.  We handmake the egg noodles... that's a big deal for our family... and of course we had a few games of six handed euchre... yay!  I spent some more time to really look through some of my personal items to see what I can still get rid of right now.  I think I can really narrow it down quite a bit.  Before winter and before I created a studio inside... I did make a studio in the garage.  Once I knew I was going to be sticking around for the winter I decided to switch things up for indoor studio use.  But I did leave some projects out there.  I was working at a place where I was doing some interior design work and I would be repurposing furniture at the site and in the studio I was creating artwork and decorations for the space.  We hardly had a budget so of course repurposing was the option for the design.  So I still have some projects and supplies I was working on and I want to go ahead and make sure to clear and clean up that space.  I had organized most of the garage to some extent of recyclables and also scrap metal.  I had read that the summer is the best time to scrap because locations need them more then winter... so I was waiting until it got warmer before scrapping.  I haven't actually scrapped before but one of my brother's friends had worked at a scrap yard so I might ask his help on how to do it in a more proper way... lol.  If I'm not here for the entire process I can at least help my dad ready to tackle it... but I'm not certain he'll do it without me.. but we'll see what happens.  

I did end up looking online to see if there's a mastermind game out there and I found one... lol... I played a few games now and i forgot how much I enjoy playing games.  Especially what seems challenging for me.  After the first random guess... each guess after that there is a strategy I use to figure the solution... it's rewarding... lol

I also finished watching a Halo series with my pops today.  He rented it from the library and he knew how much I used to obsess over Halo... lol... in high school and college... man I was online playing Halo a lot... I was so into the game I wouldn't even notice if anyone came into the room I was in... even if they spoke to me most of the time it took me awhile that someone was talking to me... lol... When I left my 13 year relationship... I gave him all my video games, gaming systems, and the tv... i knew I wanted to make a lot of changes at that time and I knew how much of my time was into playing games.  He still enjoyed playing so it worked out for both of us.  lol... I usually ended up giving away a lot of my items when I breakup with my exes... one exe I had given him my queen sized bed and my car... he needed it more than me at the time and I'm pretty good at saving up money so it's just something I do at times.  So that's what I keep on reminding myself.  I don't need these material items to have more freedom and when I want something... I'll get it... lol

I did find myself looking up healthier perm options... lol... it's weird... well to me at least but I've heard other people have heard about it too.  But I used to have stick straight and thin hair growing up.  Now it's thicker and naturally curly.  I had looked back to see how that can be, but I think it got a bit thicker was actually when my first stepmom would make me cut my hair.  At the time I was devastated... I was crying so much that the hairdresser was asking her if he should go ahead and do it or not.  He felt bad, but my hair was cut from almost as long as my mid back to above my ears.  She said it's going to be easier for her to take care of my hair, and she said she loved Dorothy Hamill's hair.  I had this haircut from around 2nd grade until 6th grade while they were married.  I started growing out my hair in 6th grade once we left.  That's what created my first nickname... "mushroom head"... lol... one of many but I was a tomboy playing sports with the guys and hanging out with guys that people thought I was a little boy growing up.  She would put large earrings on me to help people take a closer look that i was a little girl instead... lol... so not only was I growing up in a little town where there were hardly any minorities but then I was the only girl with that hair cut too... lol... Our little town was known for tomatoes... Red Gold a national supplier... we're known for Wendell L. Willkie who gave Frank D. Roosevelt a run for his money for presidency in the 40s.  In fact I had a news reporter reference us together when I was a student athlete award my senior year.  I was our class president and since i was raised in this small town they mentioned WL Willkie with me... lol... I haven't seen that in such a long time... I don't even know if there's a copy anywhere around probably if i know my dad and even my stepmom... they don't like to get rid of things... lol... I also remember they recorded student, teachers and the principal trying to pronounce my middle name... lol... it's a Samoan name and I've mentioned it before... but I remember having a hard time spelling it right and I thought I was saying it right until I returned to visit with my mom before my freshman year and everyone corrected me... lol... but yeah i'd try to figure out how to help people say it far easier then with the accent... lo... but anyway the last thing we were known for was high involvement with the KKK.  They still were doing public rallies while I was in elementary school... lol... I remember I hear they were going to be marching down Main Street and my dad having to hold my shoulders and look into my eyes and tell me that there's no way he's letting his little girl go to the rally... I was so fired up... I knew I was telling him something like... I'm not going to fight them... I just want them to see I'm a nice young kid... show them I'm just like all the other kids here... he said no way!  But anywho... I think cutting my hair short for so long actually help thicken my hair?  I don't know... but my eighth-grade year I convinced my dad to let me get a perm.  I had virgin hair and went for a perm... let's say it worked really well and I loved the curl.  I even remember going back in high school to relax my hair because it was so curly.  It just was never straight after that... lol... my new hair growth was still curly.  Any way it can straighten pretty easily though too.  My hair is fairly long and it weighs down my roots... so I was looking to see if I can do a root perm or a spot perm... I definitely have to look this stuff up.  I'm not a go to a salon to get my hair done type of gal... lol... i'm a do it myself type.  Once in a while I journal about what I would do if I had an abundance of money.  And yeah I think I would treat myself a little bit more than I do now... lol... I actually love my hair but I want it to be more fro-like at the roots... lol... it flattens and straightens at my roots after the first day... so i thought i'd try a perm maybe one day.  Even if doesn't last that long... i'd like to give it a try since I guess there's a lot more options to have perms that are a lot less damaging now.  

Hmmmm.... should I mention some things I wrote last time I thought about using my money for if it was in abundance?  So I've done this three times now throughout the last five years.  It's interesting how different it changes... A part of it would always involve becoming an entrepreneur.  The first time was creating a business for profit.  Then the second time I was researching how to create a non-for-profit... well technically a private operating foundation.  And the last time I was trying to figure out how to hire people for this foundation without the foundation setup yet... lol... So to even apply I'd have to know who is going to be on the board of trustees.  Well... lol... I'm pretty picky with this type of stuff... I want them to be Awake and conscious... lol... So before I can decide who the trustees are... I'd like to hire people to learn how to heal and love themselves... lol... I don't know if I'd have to have a "business" so we can pay taxes... which I would not mind doing.  But then I wasn't sure if I can just have a business setup to pay people to become happy, healthy, and fully jacked up with energy wanting to spread their talents and love for whatever they're interested in doing or just give them "gift money".  Many won't be on the board... but that's just what I want to create in this world.  I wanted to offer them a very decent wage so they don't want to do any other work except focus on themselves and families... maybe give them a year contract so if they aren't really wanting to take it seriously than I can cancel the contract.... and if they don't like to do the work than they can release themselves.  I'd have assignments to include... I'd like them to record themselves consistently in a variety of mediums... I'd have team building events for them to join... I'd suggest things that are out of their comfort zone too... I thought maybe I'd even supply them with all the equipment and depending on their interests I'd specialize for them too.  I know I can't make it too easy for them... but I know it's challenging to do the work, because people don't understand what the work is unless they're being told... but I think I have a better idea on how to guide them.  I'd make them go on solo vacations... and other vacations with groups...lol... i'd be trying to get everyone passports to travel around the world for these events.  Oh yeah my staff that I would hire for this are not just here in the US... many will be in Peru... and that really brings in another level of caution into the mix... maybe i won't go into it now, but it would have to be approached differently.  But I'd definitely want to setup a employee situation with them so I can pay taxes and setup bank accounts... just to try to help money flow in the country.  Possibly even get some influence with government bodies there because... I'd like to be able to help protect the Amazon as much as I can.  There are already groups on the front lines I'd like to help support and possibly try to get them together to see if they can be more effective working together.  There's pages and pages of journaling about this.  We can already see that I think a lot.... LOL.. essentially most people I know say over and over they work to survive not to thrive... and if I can remove the burden of daily expenses maybe they will be ok to focus on themselves.  I know many will have a challenge just to do that... focus on themselves... it's not as easy as it sounds.  what I think I have a list of about 100 people I would start with... lol

But I also know I have a tendency to just give whatever money I have freely and I also know that's not the healthiest either.  I've been learning that for many many years.  And it's been a slow process for me to change my mindset about it.  I'm the type that would give away everything until I'm left without a dime to spare... Yeah I thought others were more important than myself.  But when I see what they choose to use their money for... I question maybe I can be more deliberate... it was easier to see when I was dealing with the Peruvians... and the last time I was there instead of just giving them money all the time when they asked... I would pay for specific things that would help them in the longer run.  I'd even spend more on those items instead of a little bit here and there.  I know I'm going to continue to give because damn it it feels good... I can be moved to tears literally of how amazing it feels... but i want to use money more consciously than before.  So I'm not going to be giving away money to everyone who asks... at least I'm not just going to listen to what they say they want it for... well it might go directly for what they say instead of giving them the money and then have other temptations come in to distract them.  I'd like to actually get to know them because sometimes I just see things they don't see for themselves and maybe I'd have ideas to help that they might not think to ask for help in those areas.  Maybe that's why I changed from year to year on this style of journaling by donating to other nonprofits to actually getting involved and see where I can focus the donation towards or create a project to include... i'm not sure really until I'd be involved... lol

I've been looking into buying land more now... at first I was looking for a home but I don't know where I want to settle right now.  So I'm not really interested in finding a home... I'd probably want to design my home but i want to build a community as well... so that would all be part of the decision making and that land... I don't know where that land is going to be.  But buying land in different locations in the world seems to be a high investment for me... and i'm not sure if it's going to be more for land preservation... but i'm really interested in creating habitats too... so who knows... i'm sure it's going to depend on each individual project.  I know if I do have several homes at one point I want them to be active homes... lol... I don't want anything just sitting around not being used.. so i'd like to setup a system of possibly people I'm working with or the public to use these homes... again it's not to make a profit from others but for people to have places to visit and enjoy and explore the area.... i don't know... I even thought maybe I can build a mini pull camper right now possibly.  I feel like i'm going to be searching for people... lol... i've been getting visions of possible people who are Awake... they're different ages and different ethnicities and live in different countries... so I thought maybe i'll need to take my home with me.  I think it would be fun... I'd want it to be detached from the vehicle so using the vehicle on its own would be much more convenient.  But really I just want the freedom to have my own space when I need it.  Most of the time I travel I share space with others... I've used Airbnb in Italy, Peru and the States.  I've used Couchsurfing in the States. Mexico, New Zealand, Australia, Peru, and Tasmania.  In Peru I also would visit friends I already met before and also I just asked people I enjoyed speaking with... I've also used hostels and hotels.  But with an abundance of money I'd have the freedom to do whatever I want to really... I think I'd still enjoy doing what I've been doing, but I know that I like to have my own space to recharge and just have privacy... that's why I'm not sure if the whole camper thing isn't the better option?  If it's small then I can park it easier in the locations I'm going.  I've thought about traveling through the States into Mexico and into Central America.  I'd have to jump onto a ship to get to South America... but I'd be more likely to travel other places than Peru too... I've always dreamed of going to Buenos Aires, Argentina... I want to learn how to dance the Argentine Tango there... lol... I hope my fantasy doesn't burst when I get there... lol... but I know a little know but my following skills are drastically improving since I learned and I feel I can learn so much more with the local dancers there.  There were videos of an older man dancing with beautiful women on the streets and restaurants in Buenos Aires... and if I don't find him... I'll find similar men... lol... I even used to enjoy Malbec when I drank... I thought i'd at least be open to possibly having a drink of Malbec while I was in Argentina.  Just like Belgium beers... I'm open to possibly drink a beer if I was visiting Belgium too.  Yeah I don't drink but I'm not so closed minded to not allow any opportunities to be available.  I just haven't had the desire to these past few years.  Lol.. the last time I drank I was in Australia (I hadn't drank for almost two years by then)... I met a great group of friends and when we'd go out dancing they'd always try to get me to drink... and I just didn't want to and they gave up on asking... until... the last night.  It was a going away party and we played laser tag, ate, and out dancing... they twisted my arm... they're like it's the last night... it was a celebration to remember... because I still stay in contact with a few of them... they're absolutely amazing people and I don't regret sharing a few drinks with them... lol.. I only had two drinks because I was getting tipsy from those... and I just don't like that state of consciousness that much anymore.  I don't need it to dance or be social... I was thankful my body wasn't hurting the next day.. lol.  

This reminds me of my relationship towards marijuana.  That's been a huge change from when I first introduced myself.  Oh my goodness so I was in middle school and I think if I remember correctly my older brother was the one who smoke my first joint with... there was one of his friends and one of mine with us in the car... taking a country cruise... lol... Well to not take too long of a story about it I used to smoke quite a bit and oftern... lol... I remember two teachers approaching me in middle school that they were concerned with the crowd I was hanging out with.  They didn't outright say what they thought we were doing, but I understood.  Well let's just say it didn't stop me from continuing... and in high school most adults wouldn't assume I'd be a partier.  lol... I had pretty good high school years honestly... I remember I wrote down some goals I wanted to achieve by graduation and I accomplished them fairly easy and more.  I mentioned I was class president... I tried it out my sophomore year because the current one selected was competitive with me in many areas and I thought why not give it a shot... I was competitive too... lol... since than I didn't have any challengers... so I stayed until Senior year... we didn't really get a chance to make too many changes... the only thing that we did was get our graduation to be outside on the football field instead of the gymnasium... which it was really pretty cool!  I have the decision on when to have reunions too... and what it's been 23 years now since graduation and we've only had one reunion... lol... which isn't normal either especially for this small town, but I thought a five or ten year reunion just wasn't enough time to pass to have a whole lot of changes... so I did a 15 year reunion.  I was trying to do something unique... rent a boys scount camp area where we'd have activities setup to enjoy and have a pitch-in dinner and maybe even have the option for people to cook there and there's ponds and outdoor stuff to do.. I was teaching painting at the time so I wanted to setup a kids art class of the graduation classes kids... get to meet them that way... but I did wanted to be diplomatic and give them a choice and majority ruled to go to the elk's club which is a bar and eat there with music at the end.  Not a whole lot of our class even attended... lol... I was trying to make another year book to update people on what everyone's interests are now... i started a year before the date of the reunion but again no one really responded with information and pictures... so that didn't go.  I'm guessing here in two years maybe it'll be time again... do our 25 year reunion.  After that I don't know if i'm really going to be living in the States so maybe i'll let the vice president who still lives in town to take over.  I'd like to plan one more at least... at least right now I think so... lol... But I also was seventh in class academically which came pretty easy for me.  I was a student aid for algebra.  I was actually the type of student who would create other assignments for myself to push myself further then required... above and beyond type... lol.. not all the time by the way... I was pretty active.  I played on four athletic teams and was team captain by sophomore year too.  Always was on varsity and soon starter as freshman.  The fourth activity I didn't even really have to go to practice and I only went to the big events... I just did track and field... the field events I'd usually rank pretty high... that was during softball season so that's where most of my time was... but I could go to track practice afterwards when needed.  I hadn't actually played softball until my freshman year.  I was a boy's baseball player through peewee league through 8th grade.  Of course it wasn't too different but then again it was.. lol.  Have to mention in middle school I would join the wrestling practice after my basketball practice.  My dad was one of the coaches and it was fun to wrestle with the guys... at that age I was similar in size and strength.  I even got to wrestle in one match because there was another girl on their team.. lol... that was intense and satisfying... lol.. I had to borrow a friend's singlet and head gear... it didn't really seem fair... lol... i felt like I was handling her too easily, but I used the three quarter nelson for the pin... lol... good times.  But yeah in school... teachers and staff would consider me an ideal student example... again I had family who were coaches and teachers, and I respect education.  But most didn't know that I loved to be wild and party also.  Geesh I tried twice to "party" at school and I should've stopped after the first time.  I had never done pills before and I took xanax for the first time right before a math test... it hit me so hard and strong... i couldn't even write my name on the paper... I went to the teacher and asked to go to the nurses office which has probably been the only time i've been there.  I love math and I talked to my teacher about retaking the test which she allowed but she showed me my paper and all the scribbles I had trying to write something... anything on that page before I gave up.  The other time I took acid on a half day... and lucky it was a half day because what I was experiencing was freaking me out... lol.. not in a "bad trip" scary type of way... just once in a lifetime weird things that just happened to be going on all at the same time... It wasn't my first time having acid at least.  And I just want to mention pills were not my thing.  I'd give it a chance and knew to only take a half a pill but I didn't like how I felt regardless of what i took and I just knew early on i didn't want to continue with it.  I say I liked to party but to be honest I wasn't an overboard partier... lol... It was after high school did I become a habitual marijuana user and at times would get completely hammered drinking... I have actually blacked out three times and that was terrifying.  I was definitely a recreational psychedelic user when I was younger.  I don't regret it because I think having those experiences allowed me the courage to try Ayahuasca and I haven't looked back since.  I continue with my learning and I promote it as well.  But yes I remember I'd always say that I didn't feel "normal" unless I was high on marijuana.  In college years I transferred out of state and returned... sometimes I would have problems affording to continue... actually I didn't finish because during a spring break by car broke down and i was commuting an hour to class.  I tried to apply for more help to get my car fixed so I could return to class after break and was denied.  So I technically don't even know what those classes say... if I failed or if they're incomplete.  I was in a double major of Interior Design and Art and if I would've finished that semester I only had three more classes in the summer to finish my degree.  I haven't returned and I don't think i'm going to now.  I'm doing quite well without the degree in my opinion.  Anyway I was a creative and I thought if I stopped using marijuana I wasn't going to be creative anymore... lol... It wasn't until I separated from my 13 year relationship did I stop getting high.  In fact there was a period of about five years I didn't do much of any "drugs" but a little drinking... even then that was starting to slow down because I was dancing at the time... when you go out dancing as a follower... you don't want to be drinking because it's hard to follow in that state.  But after my first round of ceremonies after six months I ended up in the little mountain village in the Colorado... well... a lot of people assume when you move to Colorado is because you like to get high... lol... it's one of the first states to legalize marijuana.  And you'd get locals who asked for you to join them... since I was trying to stop drinking I thought well maybe I could smoke... but it is not the same stuff I used to smoke... lol.. in that time many things were changing with marijuana.  And after one hit I could feel it and most of the time it's like I'm going to pass out.  I did the first-time smoking in Colorado.  The person I was staying with grew his own and I warned him that I don't think I should... I don't know how I'm going to respond... he thought it wasn't going to be a big deal.  I told him I'm only going to take two hits... well i started to feel ill and so I told him I'm going to go inside and lay down.  I stood up and got dizzy and passed out on the ground... I woke up and saw how worried he was... he was saying how sorry he was... I said it's fine I just want to go lay down... I got to the door and once he opened the door i took a step and passed out again... he had to escort me up into the loft area where my bed was.  I found out there are different types of weed now... and I'd go long periods just refusing, but I ran into a woman who said she has a very mild pen and so I took a hit and again... it's just too strong for me.  It's not enjoyable.  But for some reason maybe what three or four times a year I'll try to share in that experience with friends... because it's pretty normal now i guess and I also feel like I don't want to be that much of a weirdo... lol.. There's only been two times where I can see it as beneficial.  Both times were the actual plant and not the oil or whatever... but first was in Cusco when a friend I met in the jungle recommended me to meet his cousin who is a musician in Cusco while I was there.  So I had been hanging out and enjoying myself.  I would watch him drum at the salsa nights... I stayed at the same hostel for a while and saw he has many instruments that he's amazing with.  I really enjoyed the Columbian kuizis flutes especially the macho (male flute) which you play with your right hand and then play the maraca with the left...so fun but man he was sooo good.  But anyway, he's a habitual smoker and asked me often but I said no... one night he got a few instruments out for us to play and I was trying to remember what I knew about playing a guitar.  I finally took a hit maybe two... and by the way... this is what I remember marijuana tasting like and also how it affected me.  I wasn't completely out of it... instead... I get so relaxed and so in the zone that I started playing the guitar very easily and started to challenge myself into the different rhythms... yeah i felt like I could be pretty decent without much effort... lol... i think i tried to smoke another time with him and one of his friends... and then that's what happens too sometimes... I cannot stop talking and even filter myself... i feel like i'm telling myself to stop and yet I still keep rambling on... lol but I also know i'm not fully as conscious as i normally am... i can just tell the difference and it doesn't make me feel comfortable.  The other time is actually when I first arrived back to Indiana back in September.  I really want to play instruments... I know I will pick it up easier than before... I don't know why but I'm just confident I can pick it up... but I have a friend who builds drums and I have a drum circle I like to go to but they aren't drumming much anymore.  It's part of the university now and so they are doing more dancing than drumming which is fun, but I want to drum... so I reached out to him to see if he'd give me a lesson.  Well... again he's a habitual user and he offered it to me.  I always have to go through the full disclosure of the possibilities of how I can respond if I choose to join... lol... but he said he grows this himself and this isn't as intense as others he has and i saw it was green... so i took a hit or two and of course i was talking a lot and so was he, but I told him let's start drumming... and he started teaching me the three ways to use my hands to create different sounds on the djembe.  His son who's a senior came home after practice and we were all talking but he went to his room when he was teaching me the basics.... well... all of a sudden it just clicked for me and i was just in the zone... enough so that my friend called to his son to join us and so he got these other drums... not sure what they're called... but there are three of them different sizes to create different tones and he uses sticks instead of his hands... and all three of us were just jamming out together.  His son and I would keep the steady beats and my friend would just go to town on his djembe... i'd want to complement him with a different beat but I started thinking too much and go back to the steady beat... lol... it was great!  But... I had to drive an hour to get back home... and that was tough... i felt like I was getting lost to get out of the city... yeah...so i feel like there is a very specific setup for me to try to smoke again.  If I could just relax and get in the zone without getting into my way then I won't need to smoke at all... I'm going to get there... but if I smoke again... it has to be weak and green... it has to be around an instrument maybe at least an art project and I have to be sleeping at the place i'm playing... lol.. but i'm definitely searching for these experiences but if i find myself in those situations then I know I've got to be strict... because majority of the time it's not working with my chemistry anymore.  

lol... i sit down to write and i think i know what i'm going to be writing about and then when it starts to flow.... it just goes... lol... i thought this was going to be a short entry for some reason... welp i guess not, but it is getting late and i can feel i want to lay down.  But i did want to mention the poem I'm working on.  So I ran into a poem I wrote when I was around eighteen years old... I like it and I remember I redid it for an art project in college... I don't have that one, but I have my original.  And it seems to be fitting for this poem I'm trying now.  It might be the last poem I wrote actually.  But I thought maybe it can be an extension.  So we'll see that I'm questioning life.. and how I was feeling when I was starting to really trying to figure out how to create a life I wanted at the time.  But there are some good lines in there that I wanted to include in this poem so it becomes an extension maybe.  It's been 20 so years since this original poem and that actually became my life... was this searching and questioning and finding answers.  So I thought it would be fitting...lol... we'll see if that changes but that's what i'm trying right now.  So here's that original poem twenty some years ago.  

Ever-Changing Mystery

Alone I walk this beach beginning to feel a need

To ponder on this life I'm intended to lead

Glancing back at footprints left behind

Impressions seem so clear and guided, not hard to find

Initially peaceful memories arise from smooth shores

But sounds from distant crashing of the ocean, roars

This intensifies a doubt that turns within me

Like the sea: deep, dark ever-changing mystery

Unpredictability drives my uncertainty

So I slowly step away from the questionable waters

Thinking it will engulf me if I go any farther

But an internal precedent feeling tells me to stay

Because the calls from the ocean intrigues me in a way

I can challenge this vast enigma of the ocean blue

I'll need a sailboat to split the waves through

With this boat, security will increase as I sail away

Anticipating even encouraging what the waters will relay

I'll drift away with the warm breeze in my hair

Content while cruising alone without a care

Floating far away from the coast I'll be

Identifying even minor creatures survive the deep mystery

Pleasant it seems at first when absorbing the scenery

But in the distance, dark clouds approach towards me

The sky was dim and the waves turning rough

Being tossed about trying to steer clear will be tough

The closer the storm came the more my fear grew

Disoriented and panicked, what should I do

I'm anxious, there's no clear direction to go

If drawn to deep, will it swallow me in the shadows below

When my confidence was nearly completely tarnished

An essential moment, a glimpse of a dolphin responded to my wish

Not alone now, I focused on my friend's behavior

Directing me away I follow my unexpecting savior

Somehow trusting it will guide me to a safe place

This friend of mine brought strength to my faith

Simply I was overcome with the occurrences that were at hand

But a realization I was just starting to understand

When the ever-changing mystery presents a difficult assignment

I'll remember that I can allow room for others before I went

But for now, it looks as though there is smooth, sweet sailing ahead

To experience is my urging feeling until my taste for curiosity is fed

Its pretty funny because there's so much I can comment about this poem... but I'm wanting to wrap up so maybe next time.  I had written a few lines to sum up the connection between this poem into the next... I'm definitely still working on it of course... I took maybe a half hour before bed last night to write something.  That's when I remembered finding this poem and locating it to share.  

Alone the desire fires with intensity

Unaware the need is to learn to dance with Spirituality

Alone the wonder ponders on life's intended lead 

This taste for curiosity hungers to feed 

Alone the roaming seemed so aimlessly

Unaware the need is to learn to dance with Spirituality

Alone the sound hounded like a Siren at sea

Lured into darkness oblivious of the depths of infinity 

Alright... that's a good break time

[withinUverse]

I'm not sure what it is... but there's something different about purging right now.  I've been doing a lot of work through issues of feeling embarrassed, ashamed, or guilty of my unconscious decisions... and I've also very honest with people I speak with especially if they're open to going deep into conversations... but right now... now it feels like I'm trying to search what else I want to purge out on this Journal because I feel soooooo much lighter... I realize where I am and how I am processing is at an elevated state so that's possibly why it feels like I'm finally purging them out... really we all have stories of the past that we are going to be purifying our self-judgement to be able to create new conscious stories.  There are still stories I know i've been holding back because they involve others and I haven't gotten their permission to disclose the details... I'm trying to see how I can focus on my part of it to be able to purge it without having to disclose too much... we'll see how it goes.  I know I'm not technically naming names, but how I describe the situation could lead people to pretty darn close guesses if you knew me.  But again... I'm purging the embarrassment, the shame, and guilt of carrying these in and I'm not blaming anyone involved.  That's the thing... none of us need to be embarrassed, ashamed, or guilty.... but I don't know where they are in this healing so I can see some who might be upset because they aren't ready to move past our decisions when we are unconscious.  So I want to continue to remind anyone reading this... this is my views and I don't want to demonize myself or others for our actions.  It's the best we could do at the time and at our levels of consciousness.  In the past I didn't realize I was looking back at my decisions and judging myself negatively because I had more experience to understand more and my level of conscious decision making was increasing... looking back at a less developed version of myself.  Less developed is not a bad thing... it's just the case of living a life of growth.

So there was an area of my life that I know I would still like to purge more.  My personal intimate relationships... especially what I chose to do to end my thirteen-year relationship.  The thing was I thought I was trying everything to avoid that choice, but I couldn't see any alternative working... I felt desperate... and I chose to do it and I knew how hard it was going to be for him and myself (actually I didn't know because I hadn't done it before... but I guessed the worst)... but I did it anyway... because at that time I didn't know of another option that would be effective.  

I want to continue with from what I already been sharing.  I had those situations with my family members and when I was in middle school I found out how much I was allowing me to feel embarrassed about it and also I felt even more angry about it all too with how society viewed me and those situations.  I think it was even hindering me from exploring myself sexually... i didn't know how to masturbate and it felt like I shouldn't be doing it either.  I can't remember all the details of how I was feeling but I know at had to be at one point that it felt pleasurable to have pressure around my vagina.  Again I'm sure I didn't realize exactly why it felt pleasurable I just wanted to do it more because of the sensations.  But i know I also wanted to do it secretively.  I'm sure it began in elementary... but middle school it seemed more maybe... maybe because of puberty and also having sexual education classes and also just being around friends who were curious about it all too.  Lol... I was being raised mostly by my father and brother.  I remember when I first started my period I didn't really know what to do and I was embarrassed I started... lol... my brother was saying how I'm acting weird and my dad was trying to get him to stop picking on me... and he said... what are you on the rag or something... lol... I'm not sure why it's called that but anyway... i just burst into tears and ran into the bathroom to get away from the conversation.... yes I was on the rag and it was my first time.  I put toilet paper wadded up in my underwear and I already had a girlfriend that I hung out with and I felt comfortable talking with her and her mom and they helped me out.  She had already started and they showed me how to use a tampon and pads.  They already had some at their house and so I didn't have to ask my dad to buy me any supplies... lol... anyway I knew I was attracted to guys... and I knew I was curious what sharing a kiss and touching each other would feel like.  I remember a boyfriend who I had known for a long time as friends and we were at his house and it was obvious he wanted to kiss me, but I wasn't ready and I think I was just scared.  He was trying to scoot closer to me and finally I told him to stop being a pervert.  Geesh!  I know that wasn't the right thing to say but again I didn't know any better.  I remember when I first saw my exe of thirteen years... he didn't know i existed but he stood out to me.  I was the wrestling coaches daughter and when I would go to practice and meets... I'd gawk at him thinking he was the best looking guy I'd ever seen... lol... there were two coaches and he was dating the other coaches daughter... they were the same age and I thought she was the luckiest girl alive.  His brother was one of my friends who I considered a "brother"... he was friends with my friends since childhood and we all just clicked together.  when his older brother (my exe) moved into town... how I felt about him was definitely different than anyone else.  He started to hang out with us from time to time so I got to know him a bit more.  And he noticed off the back how I looked at him that I was interested and we actually dated for a short time.  I put so much pressure on myself though... He was older and I assumed he had been a lot more sexually experienced than I was... that it wasn't fair for him to be with me... lol... I figured I'd need to get more experience before I tried to date him again.  So that's what I did... lol.  When I was with my girlfriend it was easy for us to find dates... she had more experience than me too but I still had raging hormones going on so I started my make out stages with guys.  A lot of the time in the same room together.  I think one of my first ones when I drank for the first time.  We ended up outside rolling in the snow kissing each other... but I ended up getting sick on myself and one of my brother-friends literally had to change my top for me so I wasn't going to be sleeping in my vomit... geesh!  for some reason after middle school I didn't really date anyone in the same grade as I was.  I'd date guys a little older but again I kept feeling like they knew more and wanted more than I was ready for.  My senior year something inside of me was like... ok you've got to figure out what all this talk is about having sex is all about.  But I didn't know how to approach it.  How was I going to loose my virginity... lol... I decided I didn't know anyone in town that I wanted to loose my virginity too.  I had a friend who moved to a neighboring town and he was handsome and an amazing artist and athlete... he was cool so I thought ok... i'll just ask him.  If it's someone out of town maybe the whole school won't have to find out about it.  So yeah that's what I did... I called him up and asked him if he had any plans for the night.  I said i'd like to hangout and maybe I could even spend the night if it's alright.  He said yeah come on over.  I can't remember all the details but I'm pretty sure I just told him that i didn't want to be a virgin anymore and I'd like him to be my first.  I wasn't trying to date him or act like we were in love.  Yes he's attractive but I just wanted to get over the suspense of what sex felt like.  He was actually very gentle with me and patient... I know he was on top and I wanted to get on top to see the difference.  But he let me sleep over and we hugged before I left.  And there it was... I left not being a virgin anymore... and now I felt like I could see why everyone talks about it.  A few months later I attracted a younger guy who I thought would be a fun partner... we've known each other since little league baseball... lol.. and once we started dating we were like bunnies.  We'd find as many times we could to have sex with each other.  Oh my I even remember my brother walking in on us once and I freaked out grabbing all the sheets to run behind my door so my boyfriend at the time was just laying there covering his junk with my brother shocked and just shut the door... lol... before I left for college my boyfriend wanted to not have to deal with a long distance relationship and I honestly agreed because I was going to be meeting new guys that I might be interested in. 

But I would return to hangout with my brother-friends on some of the weekends and there my exe came back into my sites again.  He was fooling around with another girl at the time and so I didn't think to make a move, but I wanted to... I thought I had enough relationship experience to have a more equal balance... and he is a great guy not only attractive... he has a huge heart, so kind, and so relaxed... we had so many great memories.  So probably mid-semester of my freshman year in college we started dating again.  He was the first person I said I love you to... and he said he returned the love.  lol... I remember it slipped out when I was on the phone with him and freaked out and hung up on him... lol... I was just clueless but it's fun to look back at it.  We moved in together my sophomore year, and we even moved to Arizona together so I can take some Interior Architecture classes for three semesters.  We were inseparable.  People didn't mention one of our names without saying both our names together.  It just felt like this was the one... and because I saw my dad's history of relationships... I wanted mine to be different.  If I love him, then I'm going to do whatever it takes to make it work.  So I was 18 when we started, and I was 31 when we ended.  We had a ton of maturing to go through and so there was a ton of ups and downs.  There was many factors at play... I didn't know how needy we were to have someone to love even if it wasn't lovely most of the time... especially towards the end.  I felt like I didn't want to continue for years actually.  I was struggling because I was needy but also another part wanted to find something different.  I would mention what I was disturbed about.  I thought he wasn't as ambitious as I was.  I loved learning and exploring what my interests were.  I'd always ask him what he's passionate about... and what does he want for his future.  At the time he only wanted to be a father.  I found pregnant women attractive and he wants to be a father.  This was really good for him to express that because at the time I already told him I didn't want to have a family.  Yes when I was younger I did, but I knew how toxic we could be and I did not want to bring children into our relationship to make them toxic too.  It's not like we didn't have a ton of love to share with them either, but that toxicity terrified me.  So that actually came a really poignant aspect that I didn't want to share that experience with him.  All he wants is to be a dad, and at the time... I did not want to be a mother.  I told him... how can this continue to work?  I also blamed him for me not going after dreams I wanted to go after.  I know it wasn't his fault, but I still blamed him... he never stopped me from going to college but when I dropped out I just focused on working for money.  And I knew that wasn't satisfactory for me... I didn't care about money that much to do whatever... I anticipated that most of my life is going to be at work... I wanted better job opportunities but I didn't apply myself when I was with him.  There were times where I could see he was uncomfortable in things I liked and so I thought it best to make him comfortable.  Also I felt we were more like best friends than lovers.  I remember trying to suggest trying new things in the bedroom... which I wasn't comfortable asking because I didn't want him to feel bad, but I thought there could be more in the bedroom.  It's hard to say this but I never had a full-blown body and emotional orgasm.  The orgasm became this thing people talked about and I wanted to know what they were experiencing.  I mean we had fun and I'm excited but the finale for me wasn't an orgasm.  I think I was getting obsessed with it too... I was almost thirty and i felt like it was maybe something impossible for me to do.  I didn't know how much pressure I was putting on myself and also how much tension i was carrying in my body.  I was forcing to get it to come and that wasn't working but I didn't know what else to do.  We had a brief separation period and i bought my first vibrator.  I liked it but i still sucked at masturbation too... i don't want to take my time or something... i just want to get it over with... lol... so I didn't really use it much because I thought i just wasn't capable of having an orgasm.  We reunited for a year... year and a half.. and I eventually showed him I got a vibrator.  He decided to use it with me one night and literally my cum shot across the room I was getting so excited with him using it on me.  That never happened when I was by myself plus I get excited when my partner gets excited and yeah I wasn't expecting that but it did give me encouragement... lol But even though our bedroom time was spicy up... I wasn't happy with myself and I knew I didn't want to continue a romantic relationship with him any longer.  It was really hard because I knew he was a great guy, but I also knew he was no longer my guy.  I'd try to point out why we shouldn't be together and that wasn't reason enough.  I thought if I was a complete bitch to him.. there would be no way he'd want to continue to be with me... and that didn't work.  I knew there was only one thing I could do that he would never forgive me for... I was loyal when we were together.  But to be able to get out of this relationship I'd have to break my loyalty... which again I knew was going to crush him... but I also knew it was going to crush me too... but again I was desperate.  I wasn't strong enough to just leave... I wanted him to agree that we weren't good for each other.  And if I cheated on him... he'll finally see that I'm not good for him.  And that's what I decided to do because that's where I was at the time.  It was the first night I didn't return home.  I didn't call him and I went to my families the next day... I allowed time for everything to sink in.  I called him and told him what I did and that we've got to breakup.  We can't continue this relationship anymore.  Of course he was furious and pretty much everyone I knew was upset with my decision... even the ones I've been trying to get help on how to leave.  No one could believe I would do that to him.  I felt like shit and I knew it was going to take a long time to recover from this.  In fact I went through a time where I just was having casual sexual encounters because I just didn't give a fuck anymore.  I felt really unworthy to have a relationship... so I'll just keep it physical.  But I knew that's not what I really wanted.  I really wanted to find the one who I can share my soul, my intelligence, my emotions, my whole world with.  That was 10 years ago and I know I've been trying and trying to heal that decision I made.  I've definitely looked back and had judged my decision.  I reached out a few times to apologize.  Actually, when I was traveling Peru last year I noticed that he started to watch some of my IG stories.  I felt so excited, because I thought maybe he'll actually read my apology now... maybe he's ready to listen to me now.  He has married and he met her not too long after we separated.  We're from a small town so I can still keep track of him through social media... I was excited for him and I hoped he found someone who could really love him for him.  I noticed his sisters and brother having children... and I keep looking from time to time to see if they have a bundle of joy coming... but nothing.  While I was in Peru I wrote to him again... and explained myself and how much I still love him... not as a lover but as a sister-friend... I really care about his happiness and I mentioned how I still wait to hear the good news you guys will be pregnant... I know that's all you really want in life and I know you're going to get your wish.  I'm not sure but maybe two months after I messaged him I saw his wife post that they were pregnant.  I can't explain how happy and excited I was for them especially him.  Finally.... it's finally going to happen for him.  I was back in Indiana when his son was born.  So he's still an infant and it's really satisfying knowing that our separation worked out the best for both of us.  

I can admit that now I've gained enough experience and consciousness and purified a shit ton of my toxicity out that I am open to raise a family.  It crept up on me during the second round of ceremonies.  I was given a gift to get a feeling of having a child growing in my womb.  It was phenomenal and I remember just crying with joy and relief... it was like a signal that the work I'm doing on myself is working... infinite intelligence has known my love for children.  Growing up I thought I was going to have so many children that I'd just name them one, two, three... but using different languages as their names... lol... it was a joke but I really thought I'd be an amazing mother... but when I saw how my behavior was so unhealthy and my mental state... it did terrify me and I gave up hope for ever becoming a mother and that was just something I assumed would be the case for me.  But when I was in that ceremony... my true desire to have and raise a child came out so strongly inside of me out of nowhere... it was like i was unconscious that this was a desire that was hidden to me.  And ceremonies are so powerful!  I've had quite a few by now but still for awhile I think these messages are just going to happen quickly... but each time I know it doesn't work like that.  It gives me insights and inspiration, but I have to change my conditioning, integrate more of my authenticity, and continue the work to be able to manifest... but again it's so hard for me to ground after ceremonies sessions... i get so excited and I can't control myself reaching out and expressing my feeling and desires... with this example I'd reach out to my spiritual lover to see how he's doing.  I stopped trying to give him all the details I get about him, but I still have a little hope that maybe he'd be ready to get to know me on a deeper level.  And I'd always get the conformation that he's not.  He's patient with me though... I think he knows that I'm going to be reaching out when I'm doing ceremonies... again it's just so powerful and i'm so hopeful that i just can't stop myself.  These last rounds of ceremonies were the most intense especially the ones when I was alone with Aya... and they were crazy to me so of course I sound crazy to anyone I speak about with.  He was worried about me and wanted me to get psychiatric help... lol... which would be something I could expect from him, but when I heard his opinion it really triggered me.  I would react to my trigger and of course regret it.  When I returned to Indiana and I was in isolation I wanted to reach out and apologize for my unconscious reaction... but i thought maybe i'm just making it a bigger deal than what he took it for.  He means more to me and so when I say things because i'm upset I regret it.  It doesn't happen often but because it still happens... I'm still not ready for the relationship I'm wanting to create.  I want to be conscious when I'm feeling upset.  I'm sure those moments will come up, but I want to respond consciously not reactionary.  There's a difference.  I know that and I know I'll continue to get better.  I see signs with other relationships I'm invested in.  I'll continue to be more conscious.  

Well... I guess I can continue with my development with my sexuality.  I receive many messages in ceremony of all aspects of my life personally and universally, but sexually... it comes up too!  If you've ever looked up how to prepare for Aya ceremonies many will suggest that you should abstain from sex and masturbation before ceremony.  So I did that before my first sessions.  At the end of the last ceremony I found myself more open to explore myself in a different way than I've tried before.  lol... literally sex is something I'm trying to heal and ceremony knows this... and so it was getting me into a state to be comfortable exploring myself and it wasn't trying to reach orgasm... just enjoying the act of creating pleasure for myself without guilt, embarrassment, or shame.  I felt so loved and I felt like I'm on a journey to be able to be healthier.  It's not like I masturbate often... lol... it's still a rare occassion but sometimes near the end of a ceremony I feel able to explore more and I feel so safe when I get those opportunities.  It's a pleasant surprise because again I've just got use to surrendering and whatever I'm supposed to be learning I allow it to come to me without prior expectations.  I've even gotten messages of group sexual healing... like society's perspective on sex hasn't just affected me, but many people.  I'm not the only one who is trying to heal this part of them.  I ran into that when I was leading ceremonies in the States and in Peru.  These ceremonies aren't with Aya, but I found a combination of psychedelics which I feel can help people get a better understanding of how an Aya ceremony would be like.  Just a taste really because these are for shorter durations compared to an Aya session.  And it's not exactly but similar.  I thought I'd be able to convince people to go to the jungle with me, but that's not an easy task at all... lol... not even for people who are Shipibo... lol... most of their culture revolves around Aya but majority of the people I've met don't participate in ceremony... many are scared of it... which is really surprising to me.  But anyway in these ceremonies I start off with Bufo... I deal with a lot of people who haven't used psychedelics before.  So I love introducing them to psychedelics with Bufo.  We might get a little visuals, but that's not how Bufo communicates usually during my ceremonies.  It's an emotional experience felt through the body and the mind calms the chatter down.  It's very powerful!  For me these experiences that we can meet are glimpses of what Awakening feels like.  It's getting to a point where I don't really feel like I'm taking anything anymore with Bufo... that's just how I'm becoming.  But also Bufo seems to allow us to feel unconditional love for ourselves.  We see the beauty of ourselves.  and sometimes that expression can come out in a sexual manner.  It doesn't happen all the time... when it came during Bufo sessions only two men I was working with did it come to a sexual direction.  And with both of them I was enjoying the experience and I just do my thing like normal... I'm usually pretty active when I'm using psychedelics... but with both I knew there was a message that involved their sexual healing.  I would talk to them like a channel and they would stop me to ask me to kiss them.  I knew I didn't want to kiss them and I would remind them that this is not why we share ceremony... we can continue the session without having to come to that.  But they're being so open and honest with me and how much they've wondered what it would be like to kiss me that I would have to disclose if we continue with actually kissing this does not mean we are going to continue after this session.  This is not where I want our relationship to lead.  I make sure they agree they understand and then we share a very intimate kiss together... and i'll channel in some helpful suggestions for them with their partners... that's the funny part... it's still teaching... but as I'm saying it to them I also know the message is for me too.  Usually it's to slow down.  take our time... there's no rush regardless of the intense excitement... taking it slow and really enjoying every nuance of what a kiss can be... and how intimate a kiss can be.  I've already mentioned working with a couple who had sexual lessons during Bufo too... It happened to be a very close girlfriend of mine...the one I mentioned earlier when we were younger, we'd date together and experiment while in the same room at times growing up.  We never experimented with each other or in group sessions, but during our Bufo session... I know how comfortable I am with her and with her husband and they trust and are comfortable with me.  This wasn't our first Bufo together either... in fact i'm so comfortable I'm open to do more with them... but yeah there was a teaching moment at the beginning... I would give her suggestions to do for him and I'd give him suggestions to do for her... we'd be able to wrap around each other and I learned for myself and for my future partner too.  But as I said it got to a point where I knew I can leave and let them play with each other while I leave the room.  It's really beautiful!  lol... I guess I'll go ahead and say the more flexible everyone is the more possibilities are available.  

So in case you didn't hear I setup my guests as thoroughly as possible before they share ceremony with me.  I know whatever happens in ceremony is supposed to happen whatever the ego's interpretation as good or bad.  Every ceremony is unique and so I always say we cannot know beforehand what's going to happen, but I'll list the possibilities I've experienced so far.  I'm not sure if that's the proper way to do it, but that's how I seem to be comfortable with.  I take my time... in fact there are two couples and two gentlemen who has approached me since I've been back in Indiana about ceremony.  I told them I'm not certain if I or them are ready but lets just start the conversations and see where they go.  Most of our talks were around the Christmas and new year time.  They all say they are ready, but I had to admit I wasn't ready to share with them.  And I'm not certain whether I'll be ready this time round or not, but I'll let them know if anything changes.  If they have any questions still, please don't hesitate to ask... and I'm available to have more conversations... just not ceremonies at this time.  I get this from time to time where they ask if I could just give them the supplies for ceremonies so they can do it on their own.  I tell them I'm not a dealer... I'm not a recreational user... I'm very serious and intentional... I use my full attention, time, and energy in ceremonies... I don't half-ass it... in the past I was just looking for people to share because not many people were even interested.  Now it seems there's a lot of people interested, but i'm getting more selective with whom I share ceremony with.  I also find myself giving the supplies for guests to do solo sessions after I've done enough ceremonies with them and see how they are responding and comfortable for them to do more self-exploration.  I honestly have supplies now that I don't know what to do with because I'm not particularly drawn to share right now.  But I feel that might change... I'm not sure.  But I want to mention because of those occurrences with a sexual note to ceremony and where I found I was actually participating made me scared.  I know I respect people deeply but I want to respect myself too.  I felt bad when those guys asked me to join them more than words and Bufo... I know I felt that I didn't want that to continue... I don't want to kiss on guys who want me to kiss them.  It doesn't matter that I make sure they know that's not what I want to continue to do and it's just a lesson... I just don't want to be involved with my guests in that manner.  Sex of course can come up for healing but I want to be more conscious of other options of helping without doing something I don't want to participate in.  And again I know what happens in ceremony is supposed to happen and even if my reaction was I don't want to do that... it's a message for me.  And the message wasn't as clear until I had my Awakening experience with my shaman during my dieta... it showed me how I continue to underestimate the degrees of development in people and that I blindly trust situations even when a part of me is wanting to be cautious.  

Awakening or enlightening isn't what we "think" it is.  Again it's impossible to imagine unless we go through the experience, but it doesn't stop us from trying to explain what we went through.  Again each of us will be unique.  I've been working on this deliberately for five years and I finally got to that point I was working towards... but it wasn't a fairytale story... yes parts of it was... and I know it's perfect, but people get that misinterpreted as well.  While I was experiencing it I, the ego would not describe it as perfect because I was still learning and healing because my experience was during Aya ceremonies.  Which I'm grateful for the lessons I receive but again I can look back and judge myself if I didn't know I wasn't conscious enough to make other decisions than what I did.  Through this Journal process I was able to organize my thoughts for clarity even though it may not be the same as your experience of my words.  I am able to recontextualize my ceremonies... Who we share ceremony with be lessons for us to share.  Because we don't know what Awakening is before we Awaken... the mind comes up with stories that we've heard from other's who've been through it.  We may not understand the words are an interpretation and not your truth because you haven't experienced your truth of Awakening yet.  Once you do.. you'll know you're truth.  For me I didn't become what an ego would say a perfect person.  But let's see if I can set it up a little bit more... what lead up to the moments of Awakening.  And just to continue to try to connect what I had mentioned earlier... During ceremony it feels instantly, but I have to change my conditioning, integrate more of my authenticity, and continue the work to be able to manifest Awakening.  So I'm more Awake now than the moment I'm going to describe.  This Journal is one part of the integration process.  I became truly aware of my conditioning of being embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty and why the conditioning occurred.  I'm aware that the more I purge this out of my system the spiritual purification will open me up to my authentic self without embarrassment, shame, or guilt.  It's now apparent I'm creating counterconditioning.  Conscious to replace the conditioning with my authentic self's direction instead.  Awakening is not the apex for me now... it's honestly like the real beginning of my authentic self to be expressed... authenticity without the embarrassment, shame, or guilt I was carrying before... with this removal process it allows possibilities I couldn't imagine before when i was still carrying my conditioning around.  Well I could imagine but I was blocking myself from those visions, and I'm getting ready to unblock myself.  I know my imagination will continue to mature and blossom... so I'm open to see how the magic really works.  Our consciousness will continue to mature as well... that's just the nature of who we are.

So this is challenging for me, because again this involves someone who has been paramount in my spiritual development... my shaman i've shared the most ceremonies with.  Just like most of my spiritual influencers it's not necessarily the words and actions that teach me, but what my response is to what they are saying and doing.  Ultimately my consciousness is influencing my spirituality.  What I want to share about my experience I realize is going to be interpreted from some of us who are less conscious and will judge and label his and my actions as "wrong" or "bad".  I wouldn't blame you because I was saying the same thing while it was happening.  Even afterwards, but again I'm recontextualizing in my integration process to have a larger perspective of the events.  But whatever happens in ceremony is supposed to be... I had lessons to learn other than Awakening... Awakening is not a destination point!  I'm going to help us Awaken too and I have a better understanding how to approach it in a more conscious way than the way I approached it for myself.  That's what I do at times... jump off the cliff... put myself on the frontline... I know I'm going to learn from all of my experiences, and I want to figure out ways to make it a bit easier for us, the collective I'm drawn to share with.  We'll attract each other and I'm excited for it too!   I wish I had the words to explain how much love I have for us all... and how excited i am for us... we are so beautiful... the universe is so beautiful and intelligent... we can help each other experience this truth.  It's already happening if we are conscious.

So my first ceremony with this shaman and also his female partner.  From the beginning I knew they were family.  Based upon my experience of my family I knew that there's going to be ups and downs but ultimately I'm ready to trust we're going to figure things out in the long run.  He is exceptional in his ceremonial development.  His ceremonies are extremely powerful and effective.  But I also knew that he needs more work in his heart space at least in his identity outside of ceremony.  So it was easy for me to look for other shamans to learn from as well... and it showed me a variety of styles of how shamans in Peru hold ceremonies... and it's still a very limited sample.  But enough for me to get a sense that the idea that shamans can be simply defined is not possible... and we're not without our own spiritual work ourselves.  We might have an ability that seems to connect easier in ceremony and strong degrees of desire to help, but this ability I feel could be developed with anyone who wants to put the energy, focus, and time into it.  So this shaman was working for western retreats the first ten ceremonies I shared with him.  He knew what the owners were able to charge for these retreats and so he wanted to create that opportunity for himself as well.  He started building his own center on his land outside of his village.  There were three to four people building the maloka which took them three years to build.  They're still in progress of building in the center, and I hope to assist when I can.  When I asked him about the dieta I got the basics and asked what would be the charge.  To me his first suggestion was too much for me to accept.  I had asked another shaman and his price was even higher.  So I returned to this shaman and said ok... let's go forward.  I'll send over the payment and determined what was all going to be included with the price.  Of course he agreed and was looking forward to my return to the center.  I arrived with my little buddy and he was there to greet us and we headed to the city to stay the night at a hotel and to take the public boat in the morning to his village.  It's pretty common working with shamans outside of a retreat setting... where they assume you're going to pretty much pay for everything.  I was a little hesitant in situations to see if he would offer to pay at any time, but at first there was no hint of offering to pay.  It was expected for me to pay.  And at the beginning I was willing to pay for our hotel, food, and transportation.  The cost of that for the States would be less than $20 for all of it... so technically that's not that bad to pay for it.  We also needed to stop and buy a bed for me.  I already agreed I'd pay for a bed since the dorms were not built and staying in the maloka for three months. I'll want a bed instead of just a hammock.  That's what we slept on last time I visited but only for a few days so that wasn't too much for me.  He did purchase some water, gas, and some food before we left the city.  We arrived and I started setting up my little area.  He setup his area next to me.  This was my first dieta and I heard that there was going to be a lot of solo time so I wasn't sure if he'd actually be sleeping in the same area as I was.  Well he was with me most of the time... he was building and would visit the village but I even got to the point where I thought I could use more privacy than what I got, but at first I didn't think anything about it.  The first night I did not participate in ceremony.  Traveling six hours by boat and then setting up our areas wouldn't give us enough time to prepare for ceremony.  The second night was going to be our first Aya ceremony.  During my fist night I had vivid dreams that disturbed me.  While I was having them my mind started thinking possibly we were going to have trouble with other shamans who didn't like I'm there with him.  lol... I even entertained the idea there might be a "brujo" which has a negative connotation... a bad shaman or witch might be involved.  I don't really believe in brujos... I already know it depends on their conscious level and not dealing with their shadow side, but I remember waking up in the middle of the night trying to cleanse my space and his space and even chuckling to myself how shook up I was getting about the dream... I just need to relax.  So what happened in the dream?  There were two dreams. the first one I was inside the maloka and it seemed like I was practicing magic.  At first it seemed like I was by myself and then someone joined me and tried to push me to do more.  All of a sudden it was like I was being attacked and I was trying to defend myself.  My magic wasn't as strong as what I was going against and I knew I wouldn't be able to stop from losing.  The second dream I was in the maloka and I was laying on my bed with the mosquito net around me.  I was sleeping and then the mosquito net started to move and started to almost feel like it was suffocating me.  It started wrapping around me and I felt like it was arms and hands grabbing me and even groping me inappropriately and sexually... I tried to scream out to my shaman, but I couldn't get my screams out.  I woke up after I couldn't scream.  I already told my initial thoughts of what I assumed the dream was telling me.  But I ended up recontextualizing this dream a few weeks into the dieta.  I was warning myself to what I was going to have to deal with during my dieta.  These were areas I was going to have to deal with him.  He knows he's powerful and he's going to test me.  He also has a sexual shadow, and I'm going to be involved in addressing it.  What's odd is I kind of knew that these could be issues I could deal with... with this particular shaman, but I didn't come to that conclusion when I had those dreams.  I assumed it was someone else.  I wanted to trust him and i was overthinking possible negativity that probably doesn't exist except in my mind.  After our first ceremony there's a coming down time... it's like Aya is wearing off and we just settling before we go to our beds to sleep.  After the very first ceremony... we were coming down he started lay next to me.  He asked for a hug and honestly that's not unusual for me... I can be affectionate towards my shamans because i'm so thankful for their guidance and for sharing the experience together.  As I gave him a hug he started to ask if he could kiss me.  I said no, I apologized and said no I don't want to kiss you.  He then continued to ask to have sex with him.  He said we can ignore the no sex rule for dieta until tomorrow.  I was getting upset now... and I said no sex... no sexo!  I told him I'm going to go to sleep and left but technically it's only a few steps away from where we did ceremony.  And his space was right next to mine... so I was uncomfortable.  The next morning I used my phone to translate to him that I didn't like what he was asking me.  I told him I thought of him like a grandfather to me.  And that I'm in love with someone already.  I'm not interested in having sex with him.  I'm here for learning ceremony and I don't want to have this conversation again.  He would say that he understood, but it didn't stop there.  He wouldn't do it every ceremony, but it was consistent, and I continue to get angry with him when he asked and I go further into the elaboration of my feelings for my spiritual lover and how he's, my heart.  I told him I was celibate and I'm waiting to share with my heart.  My shaman would explain that he has been celibate since he lost his partner two years earlier.  He said that he was attracted to me and since I'm so friendly he thought I liked him back.  He said that he thought I was his heart.  I told him I'm sorry he lost his partner and he will find another partner, but that partner is not going to be me.  Again I'd mention I saw him as a grandfather figure, and he wouldn't want to have sex with any of his family... so look at me as if I was a family member too.  I was getting frustrated because he wasn't giving up and if he would just stop the experience would be really good.  His family would come and visit with us and I loved that.  We were building different projects and make trips into the city to buy supplies.  I brought art supplies and was hand sewing a ceremonial blanket.  I was designing furniture to make for the two story house we were building.  At this time I knew I ran into this situation where my friendliness gets misinterpreted into something more than friendly.  To some it only takes a smile... in others it's how comfortable touching people I am... whether it is patting them on a shoulder, or nudging them with my elbow, or a hug.  I see it as harmless... especially with him since I do that with every single member of his family males and females alike.  I love them and I want to be friendly... I'm not trying to have sex with everyone I'm friendly with. 

As I'm telling this story... I'm only choosing the part that is focusing on the struggle of the Awakening point but also the lesson that was wrapped into it I was learning.  So the entire time... like not every waking moment did I have to deal with him asking me for sex.  But I did start being more careful how I was around him.  I told him I want to stop hugging him because he's going to take it wrong.  And yeah I just had to keep distance that would be interpreted as more than friendly.  But again I was there to learn and help so there was a ton of that going on.  And I was getting amazing messages in my ceremonies with the master plants and with Aya.  Those messages are all leading up to the Awakening and my future, but those messages aren't what I need to purge.  This is my purging process, so I don't continue to hold embarrassment, shame and guilt.  Again I have to remind everybody... because I went through this I'm going to be better prepared to prevent this from happening again with any of our guests.  In fact I told him I'm not going to be sending someone alone to share ceremony with him.  I'm going to be with them if someone comes.  He's not responsible enough to be alone with guests.  He said he wouldn't treat guests like this... he doesn't find them attractive, but I told him there's no way i'm going to send anyone alone to him, especially women.  I'm testing where he is at and how he treats me and what i'd like him to work on before I return.  I'm still working with this shaman... he's more aware of the areas he needs to work on... and I'm going to test him the next time I see him to see where he's at.  I'm going to hope he's doing his work, but I'll find out when I'm back with him.  We are going to be sharing ceremony with the world.  He will be joining me but he's not ready yet... I'm not either but he really does want to share ceremony with the world.  I've heard his beautiful and powerful Icaros he wants to share with the world and it is beautiful, but when he works on his shadow areas... his Icaros are going to intensify and purify even to higher degrees.  These are different from his normal Icaros.  He's encouraging me to find my own as well... and I'm working on how to create those too.  But he's going to be even more amazing as a guide in ceremonies, but again... we still need to heal our shadows... this is what he's learning and myself.  He and I have sexual healing work to do... it's different for both of us but it's still something we're working on.  Honestly infinite intelligent used him as a vessel to help me understand more to my blindness in sexual situations.  I was also used as a vessel so he can understand his blindness too.  He's powerful and so am I.  We were the perfect pair to work together through this shadow work.  It was not a subtle lesson... it's very blunt and very uncomfortable.  All of this I would do all over again and again to be at the conscious level i'm at right now.  If it wasn't this aggressive with me... I wouldn't stop being so blind.  In so many areas... I want to be conscious and sometimes I was so dense that there needed to be some drastic lessons.  I didn't choose Aya to Awaken because it was going to be a slow easy ride... hell no... I wanted the quick challenging rollercoaster ride because I knew that was the style I knew would be best for me.  But again what i put myself through is not the same I want to put others through.  I have extremely high standards in my quality and value in my work... I know most are not like me and I'm designing ceremonies with others in mind, but I'm learning my style and guess what... i'm sure there's going to be a lot of sexual healing that's going to be going on.  I cannot be fragile or easily swayed by other's words.  I need to heal this within me so I can be a highly conscious guide in ceremony without a shadow in my sexuality... to be an effective healer.  That's not my only focus in ceremony but if it comes up i'll be prepared.  It's challenging to explain the work and what it takes, but the rewards are absolutely worth it.  Most of my ceremonies aren't as challenging as these were, but I'm strong enough to face even the challenging ones.  I'm preparing myself to be the best as my potential will allow, and I'm telling you I hit a breakthrough and I cannot imagine how much more my ceremonies are going to be now.  I didn't imagine how much more this physical reality is now.

 

wooo... ok... i think this will be a good breaking point.  I want to get some rest before running some errands with my pops tomorrow.  

[withinUverse]

Alright… so somehow many of my devices that i thought were not working are all of a sudden working now.  It’s really wild… my Ipadpro is back alive and I can use this now to continue my Journal.  Now that I see how the format looks on a mobile device… I think I’ll just go ahead an type normally.  I thought maybe I would have the opportunity to upload images since I’m on a different device, but it’s still unavailable for my account, but it’s ok.  I found an older phone of mine that’s resurrected itself too… so this is all good news… lol… I haven’t really wanted to post anything for a year now on my social media accounts, but also I didn’t really have the equipment too either.  I’m excited to have an Apple device because of the picture quality… lol… I lost my mini in Peru last year and since I haven’t been up to working for other people I haven’t looked into getting a replacement.  I also want to mention a little about my buddy Elvis and the newbie one-eyed Jack.  They’ve been interacting more now.  I’ve been watching Jack and loving on him and he seems to want to be my shadow lately.  Which Elvis is not comfortable with.  Elvis doesn’t want to be my shadow, but when he wants my attention… i’m usually there for him.  Elvis hisses at Jack to warn him he’s uncomfortable with him around his space, but it doesn’t seem like Jack can hear the hissing.  If he’s looking at Elvis then you can see he notices Elvis is not happy and he’s cautious.  I noticed while I would approach Jack… I’d get really close to him before he knew I was there and would get startled as if he really can’t hear well or at all.  So this little guy is pretty rough and ragged.  But as I’m here typing I can see them.  There only about three feet from each other and nobody seems to be upset.  Jack seems a little dazed most of the time and Elvis is sitting there watching him, but not in an aggressive manner.  Yesterday Elvis was on the bed with me and he knew this newbie was right outside the room and he didn’t like it.  One time he jumped off the bed and looked as if he was going to approach Jack aggressively and I sternly told Elvis hey there… no… and he stopped… I said Elvis?  What are you doing?  Come on back here.  Jack isn’t doing anything wrong.  And it was nice to see he didn’t continue on his pursuit and returned to the bed.  My little guy is a scaredy cat and thinks everything is out to get him.  But I want him to be more friendly to other cats and dogs than what he is now.  I don’t know if he remembers Mika or not, but they were together for five years.  I figured he’d be a little normal towards other cats, but that just doesn’t seem to be the case.  I’m not sure if it’s because Mika was my girl before he came into the family… and now he’s been my only fur-baby these last few years… he’s just jealous?  But I like how mellow Jack is to show Elvis that not all cats are going to be aggressive with him like Sissy was (the gray cat).  My exe stepmom stopped by the other day and she’s a cat lady herself and we were joking with my dad how he doesn’t really understand how to deal with cats yet… but the cats don’t see it as a problem… they love him.  Anyway… I don’t think my dad really wants to take care of Jack… so I might see if I can find a home for him.  I wish he’d give him more of a chance, but I don’t think my dad wants to give him as much attention as Jack would like.  He’s fine if they’re outside and more independent.  So maybe we can get him to be outside… but I think he has issues with his hearing and sight that just makes him scared to be out there surviving.  

So I wanted to continue on my entries yesterday.  I feel like I have to continue repeating myself but I don’t know when or if people are reading this they are reading any entry before or just the last one.  So I’m trying to explain how my Awakening happened initially but also how I am integrating the transformation.  It’s not what I expected or thought… but in a way it is, but it’s hard to explain.  I guess I didn’t mention that I didn’t know I was going to be experiencing this breakthrough moment.  I thought there would be a chance and I wanted to, but I didn’t actually know it was going to happen before it did.  usually I would do ceremonies in the Fall… return to integrate in the States… again in the Fall I’ll return to Peru for ceremony… repeat the cycle.  Now when I started preparing for my dieta I was drawn to draw again.  I love to draw but since my deliberation into my spiritual journey I had placed it to the side to focus on other issues I needed to address from the messages I received in ceremony.  I drew what I call a shamanic yantra.  A power source to help visualize what I want to create on my spiritual journey.  I was working construction at the time and so I wasn’t able to put a lot of time in except after work so it took a few months for me to finish.  During ceremonies I learned how to activate the piece and I remember when I was finished I would keep it near me in ceremony… again to see if i could activate it at all, but all to see what would happen if i was drawn to engage with it.  There was one ceremony after it finished I did find myself almost thinking there were so many more messages in this shamanic yantra that i wasn’t conscious I was doing.  I do create with a lot of symbolism in mind but there was another layer I was understanding that I wasn’t conscious of until ceremony.  When I was drawing my shamanic yantra I saw them as temporary activated spiritual vision boards in a sense.  This was not my final vision of where my spirituality is going to be but what I’m working towards.  I figure once I’ve reached this first vision, then I’ll be drawn to create a new shamanic yantra with my new visions and aspirations.  I new I was preparing for dieta so I wanted to encourage openness, vulnerability and transparency.  I wanted to be ready for my messages and ready to receive them.  I drew myself in the nude.  My spiritual lover said he noticed one ceremony I had the White Tara dancing above me.  I hadn’t heard of who White Tara, a Buddhist goddess, was but what I’ve read there are 21 aspects of the goddess Tara… the White symbolizes maternal compassion, healing, health, and long life.  I found images of her and I decided to create myself in her image.  White Tara has two regular eyes, a third eye in the center of the forehead, eyes on each of her hands, and eyes on both of her feet.  They say this helps her see the suffering and is able to use her power to help.  Honestly I could relate to this as I learn my style of healing.  I’ve used my hands and feet well many parts of my body to scan the bodies of who I’m sharing ceremony… it does feel like my body parts becomes vessels to detect where to focus my attention that is not detectable from the visible sight of eyes.  There area specific areas I’m drawn to work on it might be one place it might be several and again most of the time I don’t know why… I just know that’s what I’m supposed to do for them at that time.  Sometimes my guests tell me why they think i focused in certain spots.  Sometimes I get channeled messages but I feel I don’t really have to know why I’m healing someone… all I want to be is my fullest potential to help in whatever I can be for that guest.  I’ve been building a working knowledge in tantric yoga mostly hatha and a little kriya.  At times I’m really in the zone with it and then other times I’m focused elsewhere, but I have a systematic course manual that’s been a jewel to have.  The first place i was introduced to Yoga was exactly what I needed.  When I went to other yoga studios… it just wasn’t the way I enjoyed Yoga… they moved to much and too fast for my taste… lol… I really like breathe-work… slow deep full breathes and synchronizing my movements with the inhalation, exhalation, and retention is very satisfying.  Plus meditation doesn’t seem to be a big part of the yoga I tried… except my introductory classes.  That’s where I got the course manual from… I knew I wasn’t going to be able to go often and they were encouraging me to become a teacher, but I knew the book would be valuable.  I continue to get deeper meanings in the words I read.  It’s amazing how much meaning could be in words.  How the interpretation deepens with the same words being read at a different state and with more experience under your belt.   So yes I want to continue to encourage myself to practice tantric techniques.  I placed myself into two positions overlapping each other.  One I was sitting in Padmasana (Full lotus pose)… there’s only been a short period of time where I could do this pose, but I know if I allow myself the time and attention I can get there again and more consistently… in that pose my hands were placed in Mahayoni Mudra.  “This is a mudra that is widely practiced in tantric circles.  The word maha means ‘great’ or perhaps even better in this context ‘supreme’.  The word yoni means ‘womb’, ‘source” or ‘origin’.  Therefore, this mudra can be called the ‘supreme source mudra’.  This is such an important mudra for it symbolizes the unity between the individual and consciousness.  It symbolizes the return of the individual to his source, his origin.  It is not only a symbol, for this mudra is used to help invoke this realization and experience.  It is such a simple looking practice, but it possesses vast power of invocation, if it is done under the correct circumstances.” 

Saraswati, Swami Satyananda.  “A Systematic Course in the Ancient Tantric Techniques of Yoga and Kriya”.Munger, Bihar, India. Yoga Publications Trust.  Binary School of Yoga 1981-reprinted 2004,2006,2007,2009,2013. Pg 378.

I was around second grade when I was introduced to this mudra, but I had no clue it was a mudra or a part of yoga.  Someone taught it to me and it looked like a lizard or a frog… I would tuck my pinky inside the cavity it creates and then when I would open it’s mouth and have the pinky as a tongue to surprise other kids… get some laughs.  I used to do this all the time and so when I was reading through this manual I ran into this mudra I thought it was very interesting.  I was wanting to Awaken or reach Enlightenment during my dieta so I thought this mudra was very appropriate.  I also want to continue to balance my femininity and masculinity.  I used the “Shatkona” from Hindu yantra which represents the union of both the feminine and masculine form.  Simply the upward triangle represents the masculine.  The downward triangle represents the feminine.  They are overlapping to be in union having all qualities.  In the second position I created both triangles with my legs and arms to promote unity in a romantic manner as well.  In between the apex of the hands I placed a diamond to symbolize faithfulness, innocence, purity, and love.  The diamond has brilliance to illuminate the clarity of mind overcoming mental uncertainty.  There are 11 rays on the left and 11 rays on the right.  1111 came into my experience after the first round of ceremonies along with the term twin flame.  One and one means union… for a 11 to couple with another 11 we each need to be in union with ourselves before we are in union with our twin star or twin flame.  Also I was introduced to numerology after the first ceremonies and I ran into master numbers.  11 represents the inspirational teacher.  22 represents the master builder.  33 represents the cosmic parent.  These numbers are represented in the shamanic yantra.  In the background I have 33 chakra points being lit up and I want to open as many as I can… lol… I also wanted to represent Enlightenment again by adding a glowing halo-ish which many cultures use.  I knew I wanted to encourage my growth in my healing Icaros style.  It was going to be my first dieta with master plants and I didn’t know if it was going to be plants or trees I was going to be dieting.  So I decided to choose a tree.. instead of me being a tree-hugger, the tree is hugging me.  I want them to comfort me as I learn.  I want them to assist me to enlightenment with their arms hovering around the halo glow.  And I’m open to assistance beyond enlightenment with their arms raised in the air.  I wanted to not forget the plants that have already been present in ceremonies and i wanted to continue to learn and be thankful for what they’ve already shown me.  Ayahuasca root, Chacruna leaves, and Mapacho leaves.  I wanted to continue my respect for the king master plant, Mapacho by creating a ring of smoke with some of the spirit animals that I’ve already learned from in ceremony.  And I’m open to more.  

During this time was when we were in the pandemic.  I was waiting for the international borders to reopen, but that fall it did not.  I guess I needed more time before dieta and so I returned the falling fall.  It allowed me to experience more and also more ceremonies to share with others.  It was the first time visiting Peru where I was supposed to be limited to three months.  I knew I was going to stay longer than the three months… I even went to the immigration office to see what happens if i stay longer.  They said I would have to pay a penalty.  turns out the charge would be a dollar a day after the three months.  I said well ok then… I can handle that charge.  So I wasn’t in a hurry to leave… lol… During the dieta with the awakening and also there was a moment where I thought I was designing a logo for my shaman and his retreat, but as I was in the creative process I realized I was using symbolism that represents me and what I want to build.  During the delay to return in Peru, I got a chance to think about my entrepreneur ideas… I’ve already mentioned in an earlier post.  This was when I was really asking myself do I want to choose profit or nonprofit.  I hadn’t thought about a nonprofit… I’m not sure why but I hadn’t.  I did a lot of research on how to start a nonprofit, but the concept came as an extension from a business idea I had with holistic centers and retreats I wanted to create.  

Hmmm…. This is interesting… again I have an idea I thought I was going to talk about but I just let it flow and go… it starts in a direction I wasn’t expecting.  Well… I guess I can go into my ideas about the centers and retreats I was thinking about.  I’m going to take a quick break and I’ll be ready to see how to explain… lol 

So grabbed a bite to eat and I guess this is a process to look deeper into what I want to create.  How I am experiencing Journaling is I can recall my past and my recent current… lol… but I’m transforming through the process.  I happen to be purging a lot with my material possessions.  I’m hoping to purge 90% and I’m at 75% probably now.  The last part seems to be the challenging because those are the items I really enjoy so I start to come up with reasons on why I should keep it.  But most of my reasoning isn’t really applicable anymore.  So maybe that’s what I need to do more with these centers and retreats… I feel like I’m trying to create a clean slate because when I was making these decisions in the past I was less conscious then where I am now.  So maybe I’ll have a new perspective and approach?  I’m uncertain until I go through the process but it seems like it’s a good chance.  

When I moved out to Colorado I actually had a cousin who had a summer home there.  That’s how I learned of the location.  She’s a teacher and so am I but she wanted to see if I wanted to partner up on a business together.  She had been trying for years to get me to go visit Colorado.  She would have my uncle mention it to me and even my dad.  It wasn’t until I returned from the first round of Aya ceremonies that they mentioned it again during the holidays and I was ready to check it out because I knew I was looking to change things up.  I went to this little village after New Years and it took my breath away.  This village is nestled in the Rockies with the largest and deepest natural lake of Colorado and two large reservoirs connected to it.  The village well like the downtown strip is only about a mile long.  During the winter there is not a ton of tourists.  So when I visited it was like a ghost town.  I saw all the shows and restaurants, but most of them were closed for the winter.  So the appearance of a secluded mountain town started the appeal.  The snow covering the mountain tops and the trees and the lakes… it felt like a postcard or a fairytale.  There’s a few times while I lived there and was driving or walking around did I start to tear up because I get overwhelmed with the beauty there.  She took me to the building she wanted to rent out and it was the oldest business building in the village.  The business which was there was a souvenir shop… most shops are souvenir shops.  When I visit somewhere I might grab a small souvenir but that’s not really what I like to do to remember my time there.  But I could see why shop owners would like to sell those items and it seems it’s been successful for a while, but I just don’t see that being sustainable much longer.  There are more people wanting to minimize their material possessions and they want experiences to remember not necessarily a trinket to store.  My cousin thought we could just create a business similar to what I was doing in Indy which was popular.  I told her that that would be good, but I think we could do more.  I rode my first snowmobile during this visit.  I’ve ridden on the back a few times, but never drove one.  It was so much fun… yes my face was literally frozen with a smile while i was hanging out with my cousin’s husband on the snowmobiles.  I ended up by myself in the middle of a pasture surrounded by mountains and I decided to call my dad.  I was showing him what I was looking at and I remember pulling out one of my cigars and told him… well I guess it’s official… I’m going to be moving out of Indiana.  This place is amazing and I want to give it a shot.  My cousin was excited.  I told her I wouldn’t be able to move until summer to be able to get rid of my belongings and finalize arrangements.  At that time I visited some of my Aya familia in Colorado and also in Australia.  Once I returned to Indiana to prepare for the move… I started to dive deeper into what we could do with the space.  I knew the concept she wanted would be good, but that’s not all I know how to teach and I like variety so I don’t get bored… lol.  So fist I was looking more towards what I could teach so mostly art, dance, and yoga was what I was telling her.  I had designed floor plans on what we could do with the space where we’d keep existing walls… and then what could happen if we remodeled.  About a month and a half of leaving for Colorado my cousin called me up and said that she’s not ready to make that step yet.  She was working for an elementary school and even though she wants to start a business one day… she’s sorry she’s not ready to do it now.  I told her it was fine, but I’ve got everything lined up to leave and I’m still going to go and give it a chance.   Plus my dad and I planned out our road trip to visit some of the brother-friends from our hometown and visit with their families they been creating.  It was soooo good to see the guys…we stopped in Illinois, then Kansas City, up to Montana, and finally Idaho before Colorado.  We also had a family wedding there.  The family spent a few days together and then I had the weekend to stay and be out by Monday.  She knew about my two cats, but I didn’t know a few of her family members were allergic or very sensitive.  I did a deep clean and sweep of the house.  My dad didn’t know how I was going to do it but I remember I went to visit a hotel near where she lived which had a restaurant and bar.  I thought I’ll try there first.  I’m confident in employment if I get to talk to the boss.  And that’s what happened.  As we’re talking they said they could use help and when could I start.  I said right now… lol… so I started at the front desk and bar assistant.  In that weekend I had my feelers out of who I could possibly approach to stay with.  I didn’t have money to pay up front, but I already knew I had a job… actually I had a part-time job setup with the owners of the building we were looking to buy too.  So I knew I’d have money soon.  In those two days I was drawn to the local who was a daily regular at the bar.  He was older and somehow someone mentioned he was living alone and he was a bit of a hoarder.  He was friendly and so I just got up enough courage to ask him if I could stay at his place and I’d be able to help clean and organize his place.  At first I just needed a place to park my van and I said my cats and i can just sleep there, but maybe I’d be able to use his restroom.  For some reason the gentleman said yes… so I began my initial experiences in Colorado…. Lol.. now when I was coming up with ideas to partner with my cousin… the thought of making a profit was the option I had and I had some ideas but I also was thinking small scale.  The time I was delayed before going to my dieta… I was staying with a friend and her two dogs.  We had a great time together, but she saw parts of me she had seen before… lol… She saw my obsessive mode I get into at times.  A lot of times it’s when I’m doing my art.  Sometimes it’s hard for me to sleep or eat because all I want to do is work on the art until it’s finished… lol… well I got into that mode when I started looking into how to create a nonprofit.  It was new so it was really interesting to read about the different aspects of how to setup and run one here in the States.  In fact I felt it was a little to specific for me… lol… that’s when I looked into foundations and then even a operating foundation.  But I started getting into what I’d like to create.  I found the name and at the time I thought I was going to help people in the Awakening process.  Different degrees of the awakening process and try to get a variety of ways to attract different people with different interests and different levels of consciousness.  I came up with a little slogan A to G to Infinity… where there were pillars I would have as the umbrellas where everything would fall under.  Part of the name is my name for this forum… withinUverse… So that would be included as the pillar titles.

(Geesh apologizes but something I was remembering in my dream last night… there was something about changing my name… I wonder if that means this nonprofit?  Interesting… anywho) 

The pillars are withinuverse “A”wakens, “B”ecome withinuverse, withinuverse “C”reates, “D”iscover withinuverse, withinuverse “E”ducates, “F”orm withinuverse, and withinuverse “G”rows.  

(I already know that I liked this name, but now with the emphasis on You or U is not accurate anymore… lol… you is exclusive and I don’t want to put an emphasis on something I’m going to help promote to change.  I had the U like that because I was switching up the spelling of universe… into inuverse, but the name for the last business I was wanting to use was withinnergy… so it ended up withinUverse).

Briefly I’ll try to explain the big picture of the pillar… Awakens uses mystical and shamanic techniques to inspire us to discover our Truth of Awakening.  Become uses spiritual purification, integration work, tantric practices, and reprogramming  to embodying our Truth.  Creates uses huge list of arts to connect to universal flow to express ourselves as individuals and as a collective.  Discover uses investigation in ancient civilizations and modern technologies to serve together to reach dynamic solutions.  Educates is for everyone, but this will be more geared towards the youth.  Yes there is theory, but training is paramount… and the focus is for them to learn how to think not what to think.  Form uses the sustainable and conscious focus understanding all the symbiotic relationships which should be included when design Universal communities.  Grows was going to be a subsidiary corporation for possible philanthropy and investments in individuals and organizations to promote the elevation of consciousness in their field of expertise.  

So to make it easier to understand I’ll try to use a general example.  Let’s say we are setting up a retreat for guests to participate… wait before then I feel like I have to give a little more background… lol… so to be involved with these retreats people are pretty much committing to making a huge effort into understanding where they are and where they want to grow.  I want things to be documented so people can see their progress.  I’m not really interested in a one time visitor.  I’m looking to build relationships which will take commitment.  Obviously I cannot force anyone to continue but there maybe a way to weed out people who aren’t really that serious.  But i don’t want to be exlusive so maybe just let things be because regardless they’ll be learning what they can when they can at the pace they can.  But yes… this isn’t set in stone just ideas i have.  I would like people to write or make a video of where they are and what they’re looking forward to experiencing before they arrive.  I’d say a minimum of a two week retreat.  As they are there they continue the documenting of their progress until they have a final response of the retreat… how do they feel now and what’s the same and what’s different.  I know I want to be effective and so the more data I receive the more I’ll understand if the process is working or if it needs to be adjusted.  I love flexibility because I know being stubborn and stuck is not growth or elevation.  I’m going to be making mistakes as much as I want to start out as perfectly as I can… once it really starts going we’ll see where areas need more work and maybe drop other areas completely.  At the end I also want them to give their reviews on the retreat and on their teachers.  Again there are many factors into play and I know reviews are just one way, but if I could get feedback on 90% of guests that would be valuable to have to know how to continue to build.  The teachers I want to hire are going to have responsibilities as well.  They will have the similar documented personal progress like the guests, but I also want to ask more from them too.  They aren’t going to be just coming to teach their classes at their specific time slots or whatever… but I want them to be students of each teacher that is there.  I know how versatile teachers are and the more experience of the different techniques there are out there to learn the more beneficial for each teacher.  And as a teacher the desire to learn is important as well… so they will be writing reviews on each teacher there.  Constructive, conscious reviews to help each other see each other from different perspectives.  I’d like them to review the retreat as well.  I’d like a 100% rate from teachers… almost mandatory… lol… I would like the retreat to have staff that is also observing the classes and teachers and be able to give feedback.  Maybe we will have a group who’s filming the process and has lists of the students in which class and able to begin in visual video journeys using our and the individual’s documentation.  As the retreat or withinuverse… I’d like to be able to have a session or sessions afterwards to discuss the data they found for themselves and also what we observed too… guests and teachers.  Be able to give them a video documenting their retreat experience.  The members of withinuverse will be able to discuss all that was learned from that one retreat to better organize and run the next one.  I’m obsessed with learning so in all aspects that I can’t even think of I’d like to learn more.  If I’m able to have two weeks I could organize it that the staff will be not only observing but participating in the classes too.  Also we’d be able to get permission from guests and teachers if we want to use their footage of their experience to have a overview of what that particular retreat was like for promotional material for our website or social media too.  Of course I’m hoping the most powerful way to promote is positive word of mouth.  

So what are these retreats… now I’ll say to keep it simple we can each of the pillars has many options under that umbrella.  If we choose one or two specific areas from each pillar that can create a retreat.  Or another way to put it too is the Wellness Wheel.  I used to use this technique to help me focus on areas I needed to work on to create more balance in my life.  This isn’t exactly what I’m saying but maybe it can give an idea of what I’m trying to say…. There are several areas in life people experience.  We can choose on or two teachers from each area… as an example if you don’t know the wellness wheel… I created my own wheel but a general one on line might have financial, environmental, emotional, physical, occupational, social, intellectual and spiritual areas… so having a teacher from each category to create a retreat.  The idea is to have classes that people are going to find enjoyable… at least a few if not half of them which would be great, but then the other half would be areas they don’t know about or are uncomfortable with which is also great.  It’s not easy to put yourself in uncomfortable situations but to change and learn… that’s what we have to do, but we don’t have to be doing it the whole time.  But that’s what they are going to be observing within themselves.  What the same between a class I’m comfortable with and a class I’m uncomfortable with.  If we focus on the uncomfortable class… how did I feel the first class to when I finished that class two weeks later?  Was there a difference or not?  I cannot help myself but I’m sure each retreat will have creative art classes, dance classes, yogic classes, music classes and outdoor classes… I absolutely love them and find them so valuable in so many ways.  There are so many different classes that can come from these areas too…  but the retreat won’t be limited to these only… just these will be included in each retreat to start with a number of other classes.  If data and responses shows to switch it up then we can make those decisions.  but my gut says to at least start that way. 

Also when it comes to the retreat… guests, staff, and teachers are going to be helping in service of the collective.  I don’t think I want to hire staff just to clean and cook.  I’d like to setup a rotation for everyone there to be involved in these tasks.  Different groups will be responsible for cooking for the group, maybe a different group will help with cleaning the dishes… after each class we clean up after ourselves.  If there’s laundry to do maybe we can wash our clothes, our bedsheets and towels together.  The staff maybe be responsible for the initial setup and the official breakdown, but during the retreat we’re all going to pitch in and help.

If we can build centers in amazing locations throughout the world would be great.  But maybe we want to be more portable and visit amazing locations for the retreat but then leave afterwards.  Actually if we go and visit locations a part of the retreat might be designed to get to know the locals… maybe find opportunities to volunteer somehow.  Possibly our outdoor classes can involve local guides through their homeland.  

I want to allow time for privacy and time to socialize.  I’d like some events to be open to children and fur-babies.  Have teachers that have different and yet conscious ways to approach youth and animal development.  I’d love to have maybe child teachers too.  I gained huge benefits by teaching at a young age.  I was in elementary when I first started teaching origami in the library and calligraphy at a hospital… lol… certain children when it comes to art are fabulous teachers and if they led a dance class… lol… we might be all trying to move like animals or something… see what ideas they have and encourage them at a young age they can be an example for adults too.  

I thought maybe part of the design would have a way to do a performance I’m not sure of what kind… it’ll depend on the classes but to put on a demonstration that’s choreographed to show the public what we learned together.  Or maybe a one day festival near the end to demonstrate to the public what’s being taught?  There are so many possibilities.  

With foundations they can hold scholarship programs… maybe have the public be able to attend, but then have selected scholarship guests that has added bonuses complimentary to them, but maybe ask them to push themselves a little more then other guests… i don’t know there’s so many options.  Maybe people can only get one week paid vacation but if they apply for the scholarship we can pay for the following week so they have an extended vacation that’s not going to hurt their financial situation if they want to participate.  Maybe have scholarships to help with passport and visa applications and approvals.  Or scholarships to help with travel costs?  

So that’s what I was leading towards when I was thinking of creating a nonprofit.  But I think the first thing to do is find staff.  And I already mentioned trying to hire them to be on a more deliberate path to self-mastery.  When I hire staff and teachers I want them to be overflowing with energy, focus, and enthusiasm.  I want our guests to be surrounded by supporters and influencers.  I want everyone to gain value out of our experiences.  I’d like to offer a wage that they are able to have ample time to prepare for the retreats and recover.  I want my staff to be thriving and exploring their desires in life, but when it’s time to support in an event… that they are ready to give their all to create an unforgettable experience for themselves and everyone involved and hopefully to the public that we share with so they can be a part of the next event.  I know I’m still steering in this direction but I’m always up to changing it.  I also know the way I thought about shamanism is changing which I hadn’t thought possible.  That’s the thing i think is great, but I feel I’m more focused on working on these messages too… lol.. there’s actually a lot more that I’d like to do when I find my abundance.  This makes me excited!

I’m going to jump back to the community design… I always see the grocery store as the heart of the community… how we serve food to the community is important and what we offer to serve is important.  I thought maybe to have a grocery store that is connected to a seasonal garden or greenhouse so people can see what the veggie and plants look like and teach how to grow them.  But have it also setup like a home economics class with a ton or cooktops and ovens… where we’d have cooks come in and teach specialty dishes from their families or cultures.  We don’t throw away food if it’s getting to a point before it spoils of coming up with creative recipes for people to make with these items and have them at a discount or something.  Plus working at a small grocery store I loved how much variety they had, but also if I ran my own grocery I’d be teaching techniques so people can specialize at ther homes.  An example would be pickles… lol… We’d have dill, bead and butter, sweet pickles that were just cut differently as options.  We can have easy and fun ways to prep food… how to cut pickles in all the different standard ways and maybe even artful ways.  But then how to do we make them different flavors?  Have classes and different spices so people can learn how to make their own pickles at home if they wanted to.  Just similar ideas like that.

Another thing I thought about doing for a community design is equipment libraries… lol… yes we can have a standard library but what if we had well selected group of equipment that one family or person doesn’t necessarily use all the time.  Most of the time it’s just sitting around in the garage not being used.  Could we pitch in to purchase these items and then have a schedule to be able to use this equipment when we need to and the equipment will be in more use because several people are sharing it instead of everyone having their own.  If there needs to be repairs to the equipment we can have classes on how to fix it… lol… or if we need to replace it… it’s doesn’t have to come out of one person or one families pocket.  Equipment is a very broad term but again depending on the community can determine what kind of equipment that people would like to have available to use that we might not think to purchase ourselves but if a group pitched in then we’d definitely put it to use.  

I’d love to bring more attention to apprenticeship opportunities for the youth to be involved with.  Even somehow providing more opportunities for them to learn outside of a book and in application.

lol… ok…. I’m just rambling now different thoughts all over the place… lol.. you might be thinking that’s what you do all the time, but i can tell a difference when I’m grasping the air and when I’m in a flow state.  I’m getting tired… so this will be a good time to break

[withinUverse]

Lol… as I’m waking up I have more to add to this.  I was thinking about not only would there be a scholarship program but there can be a recruitment program too.  The reason I say this is these retreats can be effective to grow individuals but maybe we can unite the collective as well in a deliberate way.  I’m not sure but in theory I know many people see themselves as separate from others mostly because they are not willing to get to know the other side(s) views.  Maybe I need to walk my way through this line of thoughts.  I had mentioned there are nonprofit organizations that I’m interested in donating to but I also wanting to get to know them and see what I can do to be more effective in my assistance.  One area is increasing consciousness with the Amazon rainforest for example.  I found many nonprofits who are approaching in similar ways but maybe more effective in specific areas that might help the other groups.  When we recruit these organizations who else would we want to recruit to join to be a more wholistic approach.  The groups that these organizations feel aren’t as conscious of their actions who might not value the Amazon in a larger scale.  So I have to ask myself what makes me uncomfortable when it comes to the Amazon.  In my direct experience which is limited but I’ve run into plastics and waste being dumped into the rivers and cities.  There are not programs deliberately in place to make locals aware of options other than throwing trash anywhere that’s convenient at the time.  Yes we can think about recycling centers but how do we reduce the consumption?  The States has ran into this issue of overconsumption and where to put the waste before we had to start making a more deliberate effort to do something about it… lol… Right we are known to send our waste to other countries so they can manage it instead of ourselves.  When we are sending it away we aren’t addressing the reduction of waste but it was more out of site, out of mind instead.  But of course we’re getting better and really the conditioning is stronger here than other countries like Peru specifically in the jungle regions.  They don’t have as much experience with what to do with say excess plastics… just an example all the portable bottles people purchase for drinking.  Yes it’s convenient to transport drinks in easy little bottles.  But when I’m in a village where do I put that bottle afterwards?  Lol… honestly I don’t have to worry about this because most things to buy out of bottles are full of refined sugars and I’d prefer to get my sweets from fruits.  In a jungle village the children already know how crazy i am for fruits and I had a few new fruits introduced to my diet last time.  But once I get into the village they’d ask if i wanted fruit and they would know the answer.  They’d be climbing up trees and grabbing long sticks to hit the fruit down.  I’d prefer adding the juices of fruits into water for a fruit-ade instead of say soda.  Mostly I drink water.  I’ve been slowly introducing their water into my system and have been having success but when I’m in the village i do buy bottled water myself.  But again where do I put the bottle afterwards?  There is not any waste processing centers there.  We can bag our waste and take it to the cities who face waste more because of population.  While we’re floating down the river we can grab the floating plastic to add to our waste which helps but only to the extent of out of site, out of mind… lol… what are the cities doing with the waste?  Are they recycling to use again or are they creating landfills like the most of the world?  I also drink non-caffeinated tea… so really steamed herbal drinks… lol.  But what do I see the locals drinking… yes they drink the fruit-ades but they also are drinking soda from bottles and alcohol from bottles and coffee.  They don’t leave the village often so they have their own mini landfills being created.  

I’ve ran into the Mennonite colonies clearing out large spaces of the jungle for farming.  I’m not sure if you’ve ever ran into a situation where you see that a tree has been cut down and the diameter is between six to ten feet… I am completely sad… I don’t understand why the farming cannot avoid these trees?  Does it have to be setup in a grid?  why can’t the land and existing plants help determine how the plot looks like.  I know it’s because the ease of harvesting and planting, but is there value for selecting existing trees or plants to remain?  What’s happening to the trees being cut down?These are huge trees and it’s not easy to transport.  Are they milling the trees for their colonies?  When they used the necessary wood are their excess trees not being used?  could the villages use those trees since they’ve already been cut down?  I do not have direct experience of the Mennonite life, but I was curious and looked a little into it online.  First I found the news about the deforestation battle against the Mennonites.  In their religion farming is the way they connect and serve God.  They search for large areas of land where they can be isolated from others to have their colonies.  Many are finding the Amazon as their solution because it’s already isolated and land ownership is not clear.  Some Mennonites aren’t getting permits to clear the land before they do it and think they have to clear it first then ask… they want to feed their colonies so they don’t know why they would have to ask for a permit to farm first.  So to be able to continue my thoughts I’d like to have the Mennonites join us so we can have better education on what they are wanting but also give them a better idea of what others are wanting and why they are asking them to approach the land differently.  

So even if i don’t really dig any deeper but if I was to have a retreat and want to create a less sense of division in addressing diverse communities involved who and what would I initially come up with?  So I’ve been to the city of Pucallpa and villages along the Ucayali River.  First we’d invite the indigenous villages, the Mennonite colonies, and the city’s governing bodies to begin.  I’d also invite the conservationist and researchers of the ecosystem of the jungle.  I might want to invite groups from biodynamic farming too… if sustainability, regenerative, and spirituality is a desire for an understanding.  So how do I make it inviting for them to join the retreat?  Let’s start with my gut feeling with retreats art, dance, yogic, music, and outdoor classes.  

Art we can have indigenous share or teach their styles of art while the Mennonites do the same.  Again I haven’t been to a Mennonite colony so I’m not sure of their practices but I’d be curious to see what that would be.  I’d assume it’s not ornamental, but functional. Their style or art would be more like sewing and building I’d assume.  The indigenous with their art they express their spirituality to give to visitors.  In specific I’ve gathered seeds from different plants, dried them, sting them up to make jewelry.  Nature is part of their spirituality and a way to share that with others.  I’ve also made clay pottery and saw different shades of dirt to decorate and paint the pottery.  Again mostly to be able to give to visitors to share their culture.  Many visitors come because the landscape is fascinating but also their unique style of spiritual ceremonies.  Ayahuasca is a dominating force of attracting visitors to explore.  Again I’ve embroidered with indigenous and their designs come from nature but also geometrical visions in ceremony.  It’s a little odd for me to see some of the artwork from indigenous because I’m an artist and I participate in ceremonies.  I see why these designs are being used to express an Ayahuasca experience.  But when I speak to some of these indigenous artist many if not most haven’t drank in a ceremony before.  So they aren’t using their direct experience to create they are using designs that’s been passed down from generations but they haven’t had those direct experiences to connect with the symbols.  I’ve seen amazing work and some of the ladies in the village I would tell them which ones of their patterns I could relate to in ceremony and which ones I don’t.  But I try to encourage them to participate in ceremony because I know how much my creativity has deepened from them… so I’d be curious how their art would develop as well.  Maybe they wouldn’t just duplicate from their past ancestors expression of art but evolve it with their own experiences.  Just like painters of Ayahuasca.  They are very talented and their stuff is beautiful but it seems a bit repetitive in my opinion.  I’ve met amazing artists and i started asking if they’ve drank in ceremonies… one young gentleman I’ll focus on.  We don’t know each other well but he says he’s drank.  He also has developed a large vocabulary in English so its a little easier to have an in-depth conversation.  I’d compliment his work because it’s breathtaking but I would ask him his inspiration or insights from ceremony that led him to paint these ideas.  He didn’t really know how to respond.  So I told him to forget his artwork for now… what do you get out of ceremonies?  Again it felt like he didn’t really know what to say and when he said something it was hesitant and very general.  i didn’t want to pressure him so I’d express my experiences and insights and how I am inspired to create… to give him my understanding of ceremony and art.  Many of these artists uses the animals that are known in the jungle and I have to admit some of these animals have been present but those are such a small fraction in my experiences.  So I ask him because it’s highly used in Ayahuasca art…what his ceremonies are like… does he see these animals as spirit guides?  What does he feel like when he’s around these spirit guides and are they inspiring him to make any changes in his life?  I’ve even asked how his purging process was like…again not really a clear response.  So regardless of if he’s drank or not I was challenging him to see if there are other areas in ceremony he would like to explore to expand his topics in paintings.  Would he challenge himself on messages that are challenging and how would he paint them?  So I know how much Ayahuasca art paints the picture of what Aya ceremonies are thought to be like.  And yes we want to acknowledge the unique landscapes and wildlife in the Amazon where these Aya ceremonies originated from… but focusing mostly on this is misleading to the general public who might be interested in ceremony.  Many people assume you’re going to be having visions of anacondas and jaguars the entire time.  Fortunately or unfortunately westerners are drawn to participate in ceremonies and many have money to spend on art.  Talented artist see an opportunity to make money by selling Aya themed art.  If they haven’t really dove deep into ceremony then they can see what is selling and do their own versions from others interpretations… they see what visitors like to buy.  But it gets over saturated with a narrow perspective.  In fact many females I know that haven’t drank is afraid of this right here… they don’t want to see anacondas and jaguars… I’m close to them and I feel comfortable kidding around with them… but i chuckle at them… I told them i don’t know and they don’t know if they are going to see these things in ceremony.  Ceremony is not designed to scare you the entire time.  What I’ve found is ceremony is loving and patient but it also want to help heal in deep ways not surface level.  It’s spoken to me very specifically to how and what I can understand at the time.  I asked them why they think there are so many visitors who travel from around the world to participate in ceremony.  Why I come so often to drink… I let them know it’s not because I like to be frightened by anacondas and jaguars… lol… there’s something I cannot explain to them, but they can understand if they join ceremony.  I know of a woman who would sit in on ceremonies where he husband would be the shaman.  She would not drink in ceremony but she still got visions.  I recommended to the ladies to at least sit in on ceremonies to get a better idea of what it involves.  You don’t have to drink until you’re ready to drink.  I told them the next time I come I’d like for them to join us… at least to see what ceremony is like.. it won’t be so scary if they can at least dip their toes into it.  They trust me outside of ceremony… they can trust me inside of ceremony too.  I’ve been in ceremony where the shaman is the only one who drinks and he went around and did his thing and none of the guests drank.  They found value in that style of ceremony and I liked it because I’m curious if I can do the same thing or what’s different.  In fact I did get a brief experience with this when I was doing my solo Aya ceremonies.  Briefly I will say I was in the city but quickly found myself in a village I had never been before.  That last ceremony early in the morning I was waiting for the public boat to come and take me back to the city.  There was a few locals that would sit with me for a short time and they did not drink with me but I found myself working on them… I had already explained being a shaman and none of them was offended or weirded out for me wanting to help… they accepted and was grateful.  So I know there’s more potential to grow from this.  I know my dad is one person I’d want to share ceremony with but he hasn’t done drugs before.  I don’t know… he took a lady friend to Jamaica on vacation and he had invited my brother to go.  My dad asked my brother while he was there if he knew how to get marijuana for his lady friend…lol… my dad again is anti-social so he didn’t realize he could probably ask anyone at the hotel and they’d be able to help him, but my brother was on it.  Now I know my dad got it for her to make her happy, but i honestly don’t know if he actually participated or not.  My gut says no but I haven’t really asked maybe I will… lol… but anyway he took a few drags of a cigarette when he was very young and got sick so he wasn’t a smoker and he drinks but he’s a lightweight and loves fru-fru drinks… lol… fruit is amazing and very tasty why not enjoy them… lol… but anyway I’ve called him like Captain America growing up because he’s been straight laced… he doesn’t cuss… the closest thing of him cussing was saying “Jesus Christ!” Lol… but even stopped saying that…lol.. but again he’s never told me how to live my life and again I share almost everything with him and he knows I’d love to share ceremony with him.  But if i could maybe at least get him to sit in on a ceremony that can be a start… I’d love to see if i can help him deeper if he sat in… i wouldn’t know until it happens and I’m working my way to have that opportunity.  Lol… ok I’ll get back to the focus. 

Dance classes would be included so I’d suggest for both Indigenous and Mennonites to share their dancing.  The dancing I’ve participate in the jungle has been like a group style of dance.  You are dancing with yourself but with others around you doing similar movements.  I did not get to see a dancers group in jungle but i know they exist… and it seemed like they would choreograph there moments though.  I’m only assuming when it comes to the Mennonite side but I feel comfortable assuming they would be a little on the old-fashioned and formal side.  Having events to meet potential partners so maybe more geared to share partners something like I would assume as a like a country hoedown.  They are hard workers and they’d have to get the people to put their hoes down and enjoy themselves too… maybe a little dancing will help energize them and connect to the community.  I don’t know maybe Mennonites don’t dance… let me see what I can find online… lol… well it depends but dancing and instruments are not necessarily promoted in their colonies… BUT they do sing.  So depending on the group I’m working with I’d have to see if they would entertain dancing or music or if it’s completely out of the question.  I would like to build relationships and this will not be accomplished over one retreat.  So maybe we start with singing.  I’ll give details of singing into the music section.  Dancing I would love to get to the point of partner dancing.  There’s just a fabulous phenomenon that arises when two people try to connect through a dance.  Not only would it be great for Indigenous to dance with one another and the Mennonites to dance with one another… but would could happen if we get them intermingling and dancing with everyone?  Psychologically we can understand people run on survival mode… we can see why the first opinion is to isolate… but as the world starts to encroach on each others boundaries.. we find isolation isn’t really possible as much.  We can try to help people get to know these others and maybe even build a sense of trust.  Again in a setting that’s looking for everyone’s wellbeing but also respecting and observing the interactions to allow privacy and separation if it’s getting too overwhelming for the guests.  I know how deep dancing can be but I also love the research into partner dancing too.  Some studies started partner dancing in schools and the decrease of bullying happened because when you dance with each other these boundaries start to disappear… they begin to have relationships of respect for the people they are dancing with.  It doesn’t stop children from getting angry but they are looking for alternative outlets to express and release their anger without directing it to the other children.  Even studies of aging adults can help their intellectual activity to help prevent cognitive decline.  Yes they can learn patterns which helps with memory and attention, but when you actually start to dance and people get into it they’ll find out the dancing patterns isn’t all that is involved.  It’s being sensitive and reciprocal with that partner.  Can you feel a disconnect… what can you do differently to connect clearer… what kind of energy are they sending me and how does that make me feel and how do i want to respond?  It’s a very dynamic experience and there’s adjustments and decisions that are being made spontaneously… this is great stuff… lol ok I can dive deeper but I also want to get back to the point… lol

Yogic practices… now I’d assume these communities aren’t familiar with yoga but maybe we can focus on breathe work and meditation… but we don’t have to use these terms if it puts a wall up for further exploration.  I know I didn’t know how to breathe and it’s bee an effort to change my breathing… and it’s still in progress.  But just the basics of what my body should be doing to full benefit a breath was not clear to me until I started practicing.  And I just want to mention almost every ceremony I get messages about breathe… messages for myself and channeled messages for my guests.  It happened so often that I try to do a small session before we start of basics of yogic breathing because… a lot of time I’ll have to remind them to breath and relax… slow their rate of breathing.  Again to keep it simple Inhalation we can fill up the cavities of the stomach, lungs, and throat with air through our nostrils.  On the exhalation we expel  the air slowly from the throat, lung, and stomach with even a contraction in our abdomen to release as much excess air out of the body so we allow space for the new air to fill us up on the next inhalation.  For me personally I was doing the opposite… lol… when I took a deep breath I would suck in my stomach which helped fill my lungs fill and then when i release my air my stomach would expand.  I also noticed I didn’t have slow breathing rate and I can get to a point where I’m anxious I can automatically start slowing down my breathe to calm myself down.  And I could intellectualize to myself that if i dont do the contraction of my abdomen on my exhalation I would hold stagnant air which isn’t nurturing my body.  The more stagnant air I have the less new air can enter… so we are training to not have shallow breaths but deep breaths.  When it comes to meditation in the beginning it can be more towards observing how the mind talks and what the mind wants to focus on.  To make it simple and maybe to make it more approachable maybe suggest writing journals.  Guide them to focus on what the mind wants to focus on and just write it… allow plenty of time for them to observe and then write.  Or maybe a voice recording session… as they are sitting there what is their mind observing… I just closed my mind for a few seconds and I can see at first my mind focused on my breathing… what’s the rate and the depth of breath, but then my mind started hearing sounds… for me at this time I could hear the chirping of the birds outside and the low voices coming from my dad’s television and a subtle wind moving the blinds creating a noise.  So maybe allowing them to say what the mind is observing.  For people who study breathework and meditation I know we can dive deeper, but can we find a starting point to introduce people with allowing these experiences to evolve with them as they did for us.  I’m not even sure how to offer this as classes to benefit them because I know how beneficial it is but I don’t know what they find as valuable… they are both spiritual and so they may have techniques that are similar… so maybe offer these classes and then after we can ask them if they know alternative spiritual techniques they think others can benefit from.  

Here’s the music portion where we can start off by sharing their singing with everyone.  Just to give an example Mennonites can teach a spiritual hymn and indigenous can teach a spiritual Icaro possibly.  I’ve been a participate in several churches in my life and if I don’t try to process the words… I enjoy the act of singing together with the congregation.  I feel it’s very powerful and rewarding.  I might’ve mentioned I’d been labeling myself as an atheist for most of my life and I was very combative to defend this label.  It maybe odd but being an atheist didn’t stop me from being curious about religions and even study religions.  There was a spiritual side to me that I was unaware was trying to find a connection.  But there were words specifically the word God that would trigger me… lol.. I was assuming a very shallow definition of what God meant.  I wasn’t aware of the subjective nature of words until much later.  I notice I’m a hundred times better, but I still don’t use the word God a lot because that shallow definition still exists and I don’t want others to assume that that’s what I’m implying when I say that word.  A lot of my spiritual conversations are me trying to find out what words mean to that individual and I share what it means to me… so God is a common word and the Ego is a common word… but I don’t know what that means to someone else… so I ask questions.  I’ve been attending a few sermons since I’ve been taking my stepmom’s mom to church.  I find I want to sing with them but I also find that when I’m reading the words I don’t agree with the words but even so I’m trying to connect with the congregation.  I’m sure I can go into many aspects of why i don’t agree, but the one that’s sticking out to me is the “unworthiness” that is being indoctrinated.  My spiritual practice is helping me remove this feeling of unworthiness… why is there spirituality seem to accept it as a fact and is this why I feel they’re getting stuck?  Anyway I still want to sing.  I go to church when i visit my family and they are a Samoan Gospel Pentecostal church.  I don’t know the language well but again… I want to sing with them and connect.  The difference I find is it’s easier for me to sing their hymns without judgement because I don’t know what the words mean.  I’ll find myself understand a word or two and then try to see if I can put the puzzle together to see what we’re singing about… but what do I actually enjoy… participating in a synchronized expression of love together with them.  Lol… if i don’t care about what the words mean then I’m happy… lol… it’s when i understand the words is there uncomfortableness because I question is that how they really feel about that subject?  They all are bilingual and the younger generation is more likely to speak English than Samoan so parts of the sermons are in English.  Again if I just hear the Samoan version I’m happy because I’m happy around them and I feel great while I’m there.  But once I hear the English version and I understand what they are saying is when I used to get frustrated.  I would question my mother when we returned home.  She would get very defensive for me to even ask questions, but I told her I’m trying to understand what you are teaching and how this affects the choices you make in life.  

(I took a break to eat and decided to watch a show with my pops to get a break) Well… let’s say were still a work in progress.  Maybe if they share their songs they don’t have to get wrapped up in the meaning of the words, but the sense of community?  And maybe the words for us to interpret isn’t as important as the intention we’re trying to communicate.

The last classes will be outdoor classes.  The Mennonites might want to share their way of farming techniques, and the Indigenous may want to share their knowledge of the plants and what they mean to them.  Again they see their involvement with their Nature is way to express their spirituality and getting the perspective of the others views might better understand where they are coming from.  I’ve spoken with my shaman about planting master plants and how he wants to do it.  To him master plants are grown in the jungle… the entire ecosystem develops the plants and this evolution created their label master plants because they find the plants as teachers.  Planting them like a field or farm does not work the same way.  Now they do have fields they grown for agricultural purposes.  Both sides seem to grown to feed their village or colony, but also the extra would be a source of income too.  There’s already some sharing going on because I’ve seen the trucks from the Mennonites come and drop off food like rice in the village and the village pays them.  So there’s already a relationship being built.  I know I’m not getting the full picture because my lack of coherence because of language.  But I had thought of this relationship before and I knew earlier that I wanted to figure out how to get to know the Mennonites more because I felt like they were almost an invader to the jungle… lol… I don’t know how to put it, but regardless… Going through this process I see similarities to their cultures.  I know there are ways to find solutions to help everyone mature in a conscious way.  It’s slowly happening now, but I think it can be guided too.  

I know this is oversimplifying this but maybe we can look at this from a spiral dynamic point of view.  We could group the Indigenous and Mennonites into the range of purple, red, blue, orange, and green.  Can we introduce yellow and turquoise teachers into the mix?  If we are familiar with Leo’s take on the Spiral these stages know that psychological development is occurring on the individual and the collective level.  Just like I’ve mentioned about teaching kids… we don’t want to tell them what to think… we don’t have to come up with the solutions for them, but cane we guide them to make conscious decisions that are separate from their survival mode.  That will get addressed but while that’s getting addressed we can also address universal concerns as well.  Majority of the population is unaware of this development occurring.  I can add this to a possible class to have as almost mandatory for retreats…. Lol… i had already included them before but I did not mention it yesterday… Right I’ve been thinking about different areas over a process of years but trying to give a taste to others in a span of a few hours… things get missed.  But again as having a relationship being built over time… we don’t have to bombard them with everything at once.  I mentioned the nonprofit organizations who are conserving the rainforest and working to stop the deforestation and businesses trying to use the natural resources for capital gains… there’s a lot.  But even adding biodynamic farming into the mix where regenerative agriculture can be addressed.  Eventually adding waste management organizations to tackle that issue.  Creating schools to have the locals use their intelligence to create innovative solutions towards issues they face.  Asking artists around the world who has focused on repurposing waste products… share their ideas and attempts in their artwork… maybe along with builders who are familiar using Earthship designs… with promotes using local natural resources and also upcycling or repurposing material people may want to place in landfills.  And it can go on and on… lol

This is just one example but many examples comes up in my mind, but that’s the thing… I can see organizing but not participating the entire time through each process… lol… not that I don’t want to but because I’m not the expert in all of these areas.  I want to find the experts… lol… So again I wanted to hire people for them to find their true passions in life.  People are drawn to their interests and some have spent many years specializing in their field of interest.  If they enjoy it… let’s see how we can get them doing what they love in projects that can elevate universal consciousness.  I’m more of a visionary type who likes to dream and look at projects from different angles.  I’ve also learned how to do the details, but I wouldn’t say that’s my specialty… lol… but I know I need to learn and I like to learn… well even saying that I feel like that’s not quite accurate either.  I love the details too…lol… I just don’t want to do it alone i guess… lol. As a piece of a puzzle I feel like I try my best to try to see the entire picture, but I know the more puzzle pieces that I’m involved with the clearer the picture.  I also know we’re not flat puzzle pieces looking at one picture… lol we have infinite dimensions creating infinite possibilities.  As I was typing I was thinking… things are already working themselves out… that’s just what existence is and does.  Thinking the way I do… is this trying to interfere somehow?  Thinking like this is it saying that I don’t trust the perfection that already exists?  Again it just brings me back to what I feel right now I want to do is just focus on myself and what I’m drawn to do.  Existence will guide me perfectly through it all… it has been and I recognize it now but not then… lol… but I feel like I can recognize it now.  So I want to stop trying to plan everything out… lol… At times I think to do that is easy, but again I deal with people who want to know my plans… lol… I get better letting them know I want to just feel it out and see where it leads but they just really don’t know how to respond to this… lol… I know right now I want to continue to purge and take my time doing it.  I have a feeling there’s big changes about to happen or actually happening already and I just want to be ready when I feel guided to take action in whatever that is… lol

alright… I switched up the timing today for Journaling… since I’ve got my IPad up and going I can type whenever I want because I can be in my room where it’s easy to focus.  When I was using my pops computer I’d pretty much have to wait until around 1am to start… so I wasn’t going to sleep until 6-7am.  I’m not really wanting to keep that schedule up right now.  So now I have more opportunities to make that work.   

[withinUverse]

Alright so I’m here in the laundry mat doing a load… I’ve been here quite a bit since I’ve been at my pops… it reminds me of what I do while I’m waiting here… lol… when I first started coming I was taking Polynesian dance and I was practicing my Hawaiian routines and also my Tahitian practices… Most of the time I would be by myself, but there was a Hispanic family that would be there from time to time… I’m not sure if we just had the same schedule but I think they were here three times as I was… I’d always be dancing when they arrive… sometimes I would take a break and other times I’d just keep on dancing… They would make a comment how they like my style of dancing.  Right now there’s a group of kids who are walking around enjoying the weather… they’re in here to grab some snacks.  I took a little walk after I loaded the washer to pick up some more pipe tobacco because it’s only about three blocks down.  I love walking… and it’s been such a long time here… I’d like to take more walks especially since the weather is so nice… it’s in the low 70s.  

One other memorable moment I had in a laundry mat was when I was visiting American Samoa with my mom.  We’re from a village at the very end of island but she needed to run into Pago-Pago.  

(Lol… what a sweetie… one of the little boys got a treat and said he’s going to be short money to grab a drink.  I told him I had 50 cents to spare him.  Well he came back and gave me the change because he didn’t need all of it.)

But while we were in Pago-Pago we ended up doing laundry… I remember we had a lot of it… so I’m pretty sure we grabbed loads from the family too.  But there was a woman in there with us.  I can’t remember my age but I was still in high school.  She’s Caucasian and you don’t run into other Caucasians much on the island.  She probably didn’t think I was Caucasian but when I started talking she put things together.  Anyway, She lived on a sailboat with her husband.  And they would travel around to different Polynesian islands and spend time on them.  I wish I would meet her again because I’d have better questions to ask her… lol… but that did always stay in my memory and perked my curiousity… what would that be like to mostly live on a boat in the ocean without land?  I’m not sure if I’d like to live that way permanently or anything… but I could see being able to try if for 6 months up to a year probably.  I’ve never sailed before but I’d learn just to try it out.  I did meet a cool guy who sails between the Asian islands.  His heritage is Taiwanese.  I told him that I’d love to hang out with him for a month or two to help him out and learn.  We met through Couchsurfer and I believe he has many friends that’s joined him on his boat.  I’ve met the most interesting people through Couchsurfer… since the pandemic it’s a little strange to use Couchsurfer but i hope it normalizes enough through the world that it comes back strong… because they are great people to have conversations with and to explore the area with.  I met the guy traveling in Sydney and I asked him how can I get a sailboat ride around the harbor… he told me of a dock to go and just ask around… lol… surprisingly enough I didn’t give it a try.  There was another Couchsurfer I was meeting up with who also lives on a sailboat.  We had been communicating for months before I arrived to Australia to get to know each other more before we met face to face… but before I arrived his boat was wrecked, so we still hung out but I didn’t get a chance to sail.  My exe-stepmom actually had thought about having a family building vacation where I guess the family learns how to work as a team sailing for a week or two… I thought it would be a great idea but it didn’t follow through.  Even the little mountain village has classes to learn on a solo sailboat and I didn’t take advantage of it.  But it’s still in the back of my mind of things I’m going to do.  I try to line it up but I can’t force it… I know when I get the opportunity it will be the perfect situation for me and most likely the perfect person to teach me how to sail.  I think because of my Samoan heritage I have a deep seed that this will be something I’ll love to do and be maybe even a natural at it in a way… i don’t know.  My family does a lot of long boat races… I’ve seen videos but I haven’t actually watched it myself, but our little village is pretty tough competitors out the island.  Many on the island are very competitive…. Lol… I remember joining a picnic or some type of gathering where there were tons of Samoans in Hawaii… I went to go play a little bit of volleyball.  There were all age ranges and so I thought it was just going to be a casual game… lol… hell no!  There was an older lady who couldn’t move to far but when the ball came to her which I mean they would set her up and she would rocket that ball across the net… lol… I was like damn… this is no joke… and of course I love that.  It hard for me to find games of volleyball… I love it so much!  I love that the villages in Peru play volleyball too, but they have people pay to play.  I get they want to be competitive but really do they have the extra money to be betting on volleyball.. lol… I’d definitely just play for fun and it can still be competitive… and of course I’d like to have them play by more organized rules… there’s hardly anyone rotating around so really the good players are the ones who are active and the players who need more experience isn’t get the chance…. Lol… anyway… I’ve got three minutes left on the dryer.  I’m going to go outside and take a break.  This will be a good spot to break until I return home and continue again.  Oh… I woke up around 8am which was good… I was going through my clothes trying to decide what I’m keeping… I ended up taking a nap… lol… so I’m uncertain if I’ll be able to sleep at the same time I went to bed last night… lol… I’ve been thinking about what I want to write about the ceremonies… there was a lot I was holding on to and I’m thankful I’ve been given this opportunity to have a better understanding why I was holding onto it and why i was feeling uncomfortable, but why I’m ready to purge it out as well. 

So I got back to the house and went outside to see what my dad was doing.  I can see he’s happy with the weather changing.  He’s been trying to create a garden and fruit orchard-ish… I think he might’ve started about six years ago… slowly but surely he started planting more fruit trees and building areas to plant vegetables.  I noticed one of the trees were really blooming when I drove up so I asked him about it.  I’ts his “bad” peach tree he said… i laughed and asked why is it “bad”. He said because last year the fruits didn’t mature… they wouldn’t grow and they wouldn’t rippen… it wasn’t until late in the season did they finally rippen but they were still small.  He had a crazy amount of peaches last year from his other trees.  So much he was having to give a lot of them away and he puréed a ton and froze them.  He’s too funny with his trees… he’s had kids come and pick fruit in the past.  They left a trail of uneaten or a few bites of the fruit, but it left a trail to their home which is only two houses downs… lol.. my dad was trying to see what he should do about it.  He doesn’t mind if they take a few but the took the entire remaining fruit.  So he said he’s going to hire them to guard the tree… lol… He said he’ll give them fruit but maybe they won’t take them all next time.  There’s been people who drove up and taken a lot of his cherries one year… he’s trying to figure out how to stop the birds and squirrels and even the ants in his strawberries.  When he told me about the ants and strawberries I said I’d love to make a kid’s book maybe a pop up where my dad would actually be the bad guy.. lol.. I was joking with him, but i told him he’s got a lot of fruit.. it’s ok if they take some.  He said it’s not consistent yet… one year he’ll have one fruit do well and the next year a different one.  But it’s still funny to hear how he talks about them.  I was here last year when he caught the squirrel taking his last few apples.  He thought is was someone coming and picking them… he said how in the world do they have the nerve to come into the yard and take fruit when there’s hardly any on the tree… it’s obvious I’m waiting for them to mature more before picking them.  He was sitting outside reading… and there he saw the squirrel come from a tree and climb right up and pluck one to start eating.  He complained they don’t even wait until they’re ripe… lol… last year he ordered some bees to help the pollination process.  He was excited but he was watching them through the yard and he said he doesn’t think they even care about his fruit trees… lol… he said there’s other bees but they’re not his bees.  He did share a little honey he poured out the back when I arrived and it was very tasty.  But he was worried about them through the winter.  I told him they should know what to do, but he was still worried.  Now that it’s starting to be spring weather… we’ve noticed bees a little bit.  I actually helped two bees today to get back outside… we’ve been going in and out of the house today and so they come in through the doors.  But we havn’t seen any activity from his bees.  We’re afraid they didn’t make it.  I’m not sure how it all goes, but I told him give it another week maybe they’re still in hibernation.  I went ahead and looked up how to pollinate fruit trees by hand… and so he’s going to do it himself if he doesn’t see any bees or flies out there soon.  The one peach tree is the only one really blooming… a few cherry blossoms are coming on his bing cherry tree… but there’s buds on everything.  I hope it goes well for him this year, but I have to admit when he complains it’s usually pretty funny.  I’ve been talking to him about his relationship and I can see and he has admitted that he’s much happier here in his little world then living with her and her family where he felt like he was out of place.  He’s got his projects he’s working on that keeps him busy and I think I can get him a bit organized and clean up the house and he’ll be fine.  I ask him if he’s happy and he responds… well I’m not unhappy… lol… that used to bug me, but my dad is happy for him… he’s happy and I’m glad I’ve got to spend this time with him. 

So I was going through my clothes and I think I’ve got it narrowed down as far as I can for now.  I grabbed a suitcase to see if I can fit everything in it and I can.  I know when I leave next I’ll go back and weed through a few more items.  It’s the whole warm weather and cold… I don’t always know where I’m going so I like to have both available… lol… I also have fun outfits to wear to nice events and then I have scrubby clothes to work in… lol… so when I decide what’s going down I’ll finish it then.  Oh my goodness… my cat got out the window last night.  I usually talk to him in the mornings.. usually he’s not too far away, but this morning I couldn’t find him.  I’ve actually traveled enough with him and we’ve run into situations where he doesn’t seem to be in the house anymore.. lol… he’s a curious George… so I don’t freak out like I once did.  I went outside to yell for him and he was there hiding on the porch.. there’s a couch out there and he was hiding there… lol… i brought him inside but I left the door open to see if he wanted to go back out again.  I told him I don’t mind if he goes out during the day, but at night I’m not going to hear him when he wants to come back in… lol.. Animals have been great at showing me triggers to work on… lol… when I first started meditating I thought I’d have to sit there with my eyes closed and I had a roommate who had a little Jack Russell dog, Rico… he was awesome, unfortunately he’s passed now, but he would take advantage of when I was meditating.  He would put his paws on my chest and just lick my face.  There were several techniques I would use but one was to just accept and not move… don’t move a muscle… lol… and so he’d just continue to lick because I didn’t stop him… lol… but yes this Elvis boy while we’re traveling oh my goodness… So I started training him to go outside and that was funny watching myself hovering over him being so protective.  And slowly getting myself to just let him go without me watching him.  At first Elvis would come back to me when I called his name… it was too cute because he’d be hopping out of the tall grass coming to get some lovin from me.  But now he doesn’t do that…lol… of course when we’re at places we aren’t supposed to stay long at.  There’s been several locations where we extended the stay because he got out and then hid until I found him.  It’s always worked out… usually I’d do something not expected or meet people unexpectedly if we left I wouldn’t have those opportunities, but still… it would be nice for him to come hopping to me like he once did when I called his name… lol… he’s been so happy to just relax all this time without moving so much.  When I took him to Peru he did well at the center because we were there for three months.  We stayed at the restaurant for a month, but then we did a roadtrip down the coast into Arequipa, to Cusco, and then Limatambo and back to Lima… lol… we were moving around a lot and that was tough.  Of course I want him to continue traveling with me… and I’m trying to figure out how to make it easier for him and myself… so I keep thinking of how to do that.  Again thinking about that camper still… It’s a challenge to find cat-friendly places… they may say pet-friendly but they’re really saying dog-friendly.  If he had the camper then it won’t feel like he’s always switching places and trying to find new hiding spots at each location… lol… he’d have his own place and the outside would change on him.  When we’re by ourselves camping he loves to go explore and I don’t mind when there’s not traffic around.  Now that I’ve been taking him with me… it’s hard for me to even think of not taking him with me.  I’ve only found a few cat lovers like myself… lol… there’s a dieta I would like to do but it’s pretty hard core, and I’m uncertain if he’d allow my cat to join me.  That’s actually why I’ve looked for alternatives but I’d really like to do dieta there.. it’s the mapacho dieta… he takes it seriously compared to other mapacho dietas I’ve looked into.  He even gives you the supplies to make your own pipe which I love that!  It’s hard core because I’d be pretty much locked up in my own space… what I understood he’ll slide my food in through a gap… I’m not sure how to use the bathroom… lol… but I would like to try it out, but I’d like to have Elvis with me too… lol… when I’ve left for the weekend he’s so relieved to see me.  He’s the kind that stops eating because I’m not around… Maybe I’m getting him too dependent on me?  We’re still trying to figure it out… lol 

So… again I’ve been thinking about what and where I’m heading with this Journal… i did wake up this morning and I had those questions going on in my head from last night… where is it? (Not having success quoting this on the IPad, but it’s me words anyway, right… lol)

Thinking the way I do… is this trying to interfere somehow?  Thinking like this is it saying that I don’t trust the perfection that already exists?  

I woke up telling myself, I just want to Love… I’m not interfering… it’s not that I don’t trust existence… isn’t perfect for existence to allow these ideas.  I think I just want to try to do it all but I don’t need to… I just need to follow my heart and whatever that leads to is perfect… I know there’s not a time limit…. Lol… is always is so I’ve got plenty of time to do what I want to…lol

So my thoughts I’m processing at this time is all this frustration I had about myself not learning quickly enough and I didn’t know my frustration was tied to my own embarrassment, shame, and guilt that I carry because I didn’t know better.  And it seems like I’m processing a lot but there’s this sexual side to me that I haven’t been working through enough… I know I need a lot of work and I’ve been doing a lot of work on it.  And when it came through ceremonies I was comfortable when it was just me dealing with it, but when others were involved I’d feel like I wasn’t prepared or ready to deal with it.  I’d almost wish I wasn’t being put in those situations, but again technically I get placed into those situations to learn and so I’m going to keep going through the process because that’s where I am and this process has been really helping me out.  I keep jumping around but I guess this well help with deteriorating a linear view of a perspective of time… lol… early my second round of ceremony came up… so this would be almost four years ago.  It would be a year after my first rounds.  Geesh!  I don’t know what I’ve all shared by now… I know I’ve been vomiting all over this Journal… lol.. but this is my process so let’s keep it up… I think I have to start from the flight going to Peru

So I hadn’t really been traveling much at this time… but I did have a long layover in Florida so I thought why don’t I leave the airport for the lay-over… so I checked to see if I could get to the ocean… there were bus routes that could get me there.  So I decided I’ll go ahead and try it out.  Now I did notice that one of the guys on my flight got onto the same bus as I did, but when he got off at the same spot as I did… did we start talking.  It was really early and hardly anyone was out at this time.  So we asked each other if we planned on going to the beach and we were.  We found out that we both started in Denver flew to Florida, both decided to go hangout at the beach before our flight to Lima… so we were both going to Lima.  I was heading to the jungle for ceremonies and he was heading to Cusco to run extreme hiking and climbing adventures.  I told him I plan on going to Cusco later and maybe we can meet up.  Well we didn’t make that decision right then… but after we hung out did we decide to do that because he was so much fun.  We were not the only ones at the beach we found a gentleman there all suited up in a wetsuit coming out of the water.  He stopped to chat with us.. He noticed we were traveling and we were there on our layover.  He asked us where we were going and we both said Peru…he said no way… my son is traveling Peru right now… which city?  I said Iquitos and the man said that’s where my son is… I asked if his son planned on participating in Ayahuasca ceremonies or not.  He said he’s been volunteering at little villages and hadn’t planned on it, but since he’s been there… there so much talk about it that he was thinking about trying it.  The father asked me if it would be possible for his son to join my retreat.  I said I don’t know I’d have to start asking but I can definitely meet him when I arrive.. talk to the facilitators and his son and see what we can do.  Well.. his son joined us and there were seven of us this time going out on the retreat not including the retreat’s staff.  The staff was almost the same except a new cook, and one of the facilitators was new to me, but I guess she’s usually the one that does the retreat.. the girl who was with us last year was filling in that one and only time.  Since I’m really comfortable with the staff and they knew how close I got to the shamans last year they let me ride with them this year… it was great!  We all had different fruits on us and were sharing with one another.. lol… but I’m going into this second round wide-eyed and bushy tailed because I was expecting a similar situation as last year.  Last year was absolutely phenomenal and was a huge peak in my life’s journey.  Well…lol.. I’ll just go ahead and say it… it wasn’t alike at all… lol… I was pretty much the black sheep.  This was really the first time I can remember where most of the people I am spending time with me did not want me to be there… lol… it was very tough, but it was a great opportunity to learn… lol… I can laugh now because looking back at it… there’s a lot of distance and I’ve been through so many ceremonies and experiences since then that it’s going to be a little challenging to remember everything… in fact it was a time I was trying to forget…so we’ll see how it goes.  It was everyone’s first time except for me.  Again I knew the staff and had established a good rapport with them.  At that time I was in a group chat with our first group which included the male facilitator which was at both of my retreats.  But the family that was there had two children was there, but the daughter was in school this time.  But anyway.. I felt like it’s my Aya familia…. And very confident.. but maybe I was too confident I don’t know, but thankful they had met me before because throughout the retreat they really helped support me because again I was the black sheep of the group.  How did I become the black sheep we many wonder… well there was a couple there along with singles.  When the facilitators go through the spiel they warn people that people get naked sometimes… but they also mention all kinds of stuff.  They asked me if I had anything else to add… and I did notice that they were assuming that most people would have a hard time in ceremony, and I said with my last experiences I didn’t have a hard time so just be open to whatever comes because we just don’t know.  That reminded me of why I probably go into a huge spiel myself with my guests now because I’ve had the entire gambit being thrown at me during ceremony so try not to have any expectations before going in.  I’m not sure if I said it to them, but I knew at that time whatever happens in ceremony is suppose to happen… lol… well I definitely did not expect that I’d be the one getting naked on the first ceremony… lol… again funny now but then… not so funny.  Oh and I had suggested doing all the ceremonies in the back maloka instead of the front one where there’s light that comes through.  The staff and the guests seemed to not have a problem with that and so we went.  

So what can I remember of the first ceremony?  I remember I had a spot where I always went to  last time.  They had let people paint on the floors and there was a spot that had a simple sun painted there and so that’s where I’d place my mat and that was my spot for ceremony.  So when ceremony began… I felt myself wanting to help like I did the first rounds, but not as strong.  If I can look at it in retrospect most of these guests were walled up… I mean they were not as trusting as the first group.  Again I had seven come to my visions on the first ceremony… so there was a large size there to receive and not have their walls up.  But again…. I didn’t realize this going into ceremony.  The husband was lying next to me and he was before me in the shamans rotation.  I found myself getting up and sending more energy towards the male shaman as he was working on him.  I could see the shaman a little nervous with me standing up beside him… so I made my way back to my mat and continued.  I was ready for him when it was my turn.  Again I don’t know if I just tried to forget these ceremonies but I’m having trouble remembering as much as I did for the first round.. but I remember it was right away addressing my spiritual lover… I felt like there might be even a chance he would magically appear there… lol… I knew I was getting excited… I remember hearing his laughter… there are moments where ceremony is waiting for you to notice something and i’m sitting here thinking… holy shit is he here?  Lol… I remember the female shaman coming to me and it continued with more messages about him… this time my thoughts turned more sexual… oh yeah… I remembered for the first ceremony I had worn clothes that i bought from the shamans last year and also wore some jewelry from them.  I was with her and I was getting a message of me not having to prove myself to them… they already know how grateful I am to have their guidance.  I felt like I was being fake for some reason having these jewelry items on… that I didn’t need to have this display… i was ripping off my bracelet and necklace… I think i was trying to unlatch the necklace and couldn’t and I literally broke it while i was tearing it off of me.  That’s when I started getting messages about my spiritual lover… I was getting messages that I should be proud of my beauty and myself… I have nothing to be ashamed of… I remember thinking to myself oh my miss shamana… thinking about the female shaman… you’re naughty… I was getting up to my feet and spinning around and I was thinking to myself holy shit… I’m about to strip these clothes off and I was telling myself how naughty she is… lol… and I like to be naughty too… lol… I felt like I was not afraid to be naked  at this time… it felt liberating and I was dancing on my mat and the shamans continued their rounds and I remained in my own space not worrying about helping them by sending my energies… I was in my own space… and it just continued with sexuality… I remember saying that I’ve been such a good girl this year… I had been abstinent for around 8 months by now… and that might’ve been the longest time without having sex since my first time losing my virginity.  So yeah at that time it felt like a long time… lol… I won’t go into details but for awhile I was seducing my spiritual lover… and I know I was saying his name and talking to him… let’s say a bit dirty, a bit teasing, but no doubt i couldn’t wait to see him again… lol… well sexuality did not leave my session… I was sitting there and listening to ceremony and was thinking about the facilitator and shaman relationship… I was wondering really if the shamans think it’s best to not have sex or was that a western view about it… I was getting the feeling if I’m here wanting to learn more about sex… maybe everyone here wants to learn about sex?  Lol… I’m always wanting to learn… so I thought if I had an opportunity to learn about sex then hell yeah… i need it and I’m open to it… lol… I even remember always talking out loud… I said I wonder how the male facilitator would be like… what would he be able to teach me…. Lol… and actually I’ve never been with a woman before… what would the female facilitator be able to teach me?  I know they could hear me, but I didn’t care… I was curious and entertaining ideas of how I could learn more… I was laying there wondering if everyone here needs work with their sexuality and here’s where I completely go wrong… lol… again it’s funny now because in a sober state I’m just like what the hell was I thinking? but then, not funny or appropriate…. Up until now… everyone was fine because I was in my own space… I end up rolling over a few times until I reach the husband… and I ask him if he’s interested in learning more about our sexuality?  I said this would be the perfect time if he wanted to… geesh!!!  I can’t explain how much I just want to learn and I wasn’t thinking how this would be interpreted by anyone except for myself… i was in deep… but he apologized to me and said he was not interested in learning with me and I should get back to my mat.  I asked him if he’s sure… I think I ran a finger down his chest even… and I said ok then… I tried to make it back to my mat but something happened and I remember he was calling to the shamans and the facilitators to come and help… and then the female shaman starting pouring liquid into my mouth… I remember it was really spicy tasting and it shocked me out of my state… she was holding my head in her lap and she was combing my hair out of my face… being very gentle with me.  The facilitators helped me back onto my mat and I think I just fell asleep after that.  

And then I wake up.  Completely embarrassed… I knew what I did was going to cause a shit show and I also knew that I was being inappropriate with the facilitators too.  So I make it to the river to swim like I normally do when I’m there and to breakfast… it wasn’t too bad at that time because I don’t think the couple was there eating with us.  It was time to go share our experiences with the group… and the wife walks in furious and the husband following… both of them were not happy and she couldn’t stop her rage against me.  I could completely understand why she was upset but I also wish she could try to see my perspective of it, but that was not going to happen.  She outright demonized me… I was satan and that everyone needs to stay away from me because I’m sick.  She wanted to leave the retreat because she doesn’t feel safe having me around.  No one should listen to anything I have to say… I was the devil.  She said she didn’t even get into ceremony and she could hear everything going on.  The husband was upset because she was upset, but he said he wasn’t angry with me, but he did think I was sick and wished I get the help I needed.  Again… thankful the facilitators were there and they deal with many situations that arise in group ceremony sessions.  They’ve dealt with people getting naked, but normally it’s men who do.  Yes they agreed I should’ve stayed on my mat, but they continued saying she didn’t force herself on him… she was trying to get permission and once he said no…she was heading back to her spot… so she wasn’t trying to be aggressive.  I was trying to put a few sentences here and there to tell my point of view… I even mentioned if she could hear everything… then she knows who I was really wanting to learn with… Most of my time was in ceremony with the man I wish i was learning my sexuality with.  But she did not want to listen.  And I respected her and her husband and I was hardly to be found in the public spaces.  I’d eat, share during our recollection of our experiences, and ceremony together.  I’d spend my time alone or visiting the staff.  The male facilitator was joking with me… he said do you remember what you were saying in there?  I laughed and apologized… I remember a lot but not everything… he said my spiritual lovers name… he knows him too… actually we kissed in front of him that past year when we dropped him off at the airport… but we talked about it a little bit… and I apologized if I made him or the female facilitator uncomfortable… I could explain to them more of why I was in that mindset at the time.  We knew that the couple was obviously working on their marriage, and I happened to be a catalyst.  We agreed this is going to be completely different then last year and I said well last year I didn’t do a whole lot of focusing on myself in ceremonies so this will be the year to do that.  I apologized to the shamans too.

I remember that i just shut down the second ceremony.  I completely put my walls up and nothing was getting through because I didn’t want it to.  I still participated when the shamans came to me for my turn… usually I’m really into their Icaros but I remember trying to hold myself still and stiff as a board… I guess I do remember feeling I was on a rollercoaster and I wanted to be able to lay the tracks deliberately is what came through.  The third ceremony was my complete purging ceremony again… again i felt like I was in a cocoon in a transformational phase… similar to my fourth ceremony on the first round… I remember that swampy gut again.  The fourth ceremony I actually got a vision of Leo… lol… it was like he’s waiting for me to wake up.  And it had to do with a phone or the internet… this might’ve been the time where I was getting a feeling that I was going to wake up and return to my first round of ceremonies… but also it’s like I’m going to wake up and return to a room where i cannot see who they are but it looks like two men with lava-lavas sitting on benches… so it’s like I’m going to wake up back in Samoa… as if everything I’ve been living was a dream and they’re just waiting for me to wake up.  Everyone is waiting for me to wake up.  I believe this even might be the first time I got a feeling there maybe aliens… it’s hard to explain because I didn’t really see them but I sensed them… so there were like tiles that were displaying the visual field I was seeing but they were opening up once in awhile to show the space behind the tiles… I would feel there might be an intelligence watching through the tiles and maybe because if felt so unusual to me I thought maybe it was alien like… and honestly again I didn’t see them but I thought them to be insect like.  I thought that would seem fitting for them to be connected to the insects… Insects are here allowing our physical reality to exist… without them… we humans would not exist.  But they can determine when to approach us by how we treat the insects in our physical reality… if most of the people aren’t conscious or care about the insects then they would wait… once we start to appreciate them and care then maybe they would make themselves known maybe?  That fifth ceremony was when my spiritual lover came back and it was geared towards creating a family together.  That’s when I was able to feel or it felt like I was feeling how a child would feel like in my womb growing.  It was very powerful and I’ve already mentioned some of this before… I wasn’t expecting this message because I thought it just wouldn’t be in the cards for me this life.  But it did plant a seed of hope and it opened that window up to me again, and also hopeful that I’m working my toxicity out of my system to be a mother one day.  

I mentioned I wasn’t the only one who got naked these ceremonies… there was another guy there… he gets into ceremony like I do and he was even singing his style of Icaros a little bit.  We was one of the first guests to come to me and apologize for isolating me.  There were a few others that came up to me to to apologize.  They saw how I responded to it all… they saw I was respecting their boundaries but I don’t seem to be trying to cause drama and the staff seem to really like me.  I told them everything is suppose to happen like it happens… I’m learning a lot this time I just didn’t know it was going to be in this way.  The female facilitator found a poem and she gave it to me before I left the retreat… let’s see if I can find it… ok

And the weaver said, Speak to us of Clothes.

And he answered:

Your clothes conceal much of your

beauty, yet they hid not the unbeautiful. 

And though you seek in garments the

freedom of privacy you may find in them

a harness and a chain. 

Would that you could meet the sun and 

the wind with more of your skin and less

of your raiment, 

For the breath of life is in the sunlight

and the hand of life is in the wind. 

Some of you say, “It is the north wind

who has woven the clothes we wear.”

And I say, Ay, it was the north wind, 

But shame was his loom, and the soften-

ing of the sinews was his thread. 

And when his work was done he laughed 

in the forest. 

 

Forget not that modesty is for a shield

against the eye of the unclean.

And when the unclean shall be no more, 

what were modesty but a fetter and a 

fouling of the mind? 

And forget not that the earth delights

to feel your bare feet and the winds long

to play with your hair. 

 

Gibran, Kahlil.  “The Prophet.”  Norwood, Mass.  The Plimpton Press.  Published 1923- reprinted 1924. Pg41-42.

 

Actually… I think I’ll end this entry with more from “The Prophet”… which seems to be applicable to these rounds. 

 

Then said Almitra, Speak to us of

Love.

And he raised his head and looked upon

the people, and there fell a stillness

upon them.  And with a great voice he

said:

When love beckons to you, follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to 

him, 

Though the sword hidden among his 

pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in

him, 

Though his voice may shatter your

dreams as the north wind lays waste the 

garden. 

 

For even as love crowns you so shall he

crucify you.  Even as he is for your

growth so is he for your pruning. 

Even as he ascends to your height and 

caresses your tenderest branches that 

quiver in the sun, 

So shall he descend to your roots and 

shake them in their clinging to the earth. 

 

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you

unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your

husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant; 

And then he assigns you to his sacred

fire, that you may become sacred bread for

God’s sacred feast.

 

All these things shall love do unto you

that you may know the secrets of your

heart, and in that knowledge become a 

fragment of Life’s heart.  

 

But if in your fear you would seek only

love’s peace and love’s pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover

your nakedness and pass out of love’s

threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you 

shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, 

and weep, but not all of your tears.

 

Love gives naught but itself and takes

naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be pos-

sessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

 

When you love you should not say, 

“God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am

in the heart of God.”

And think not you can direct the course

of love, for love, if it finds you worthy,

directs your course.

 

Love has no other desire but to fulfil it-

self.

But if you love and must needs have

desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook

that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tender-

ness.

To be wounded by your own under-

standing of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully. 

To wake at dawn with a winged heart

and give thanks for another day of loving; 

To rest at the noon hour and meditate

love’s ecstacy;

To return home at eventide with grati-

tude;  

And then to sleep with a prayer for the

beloved in your heart and a song of praise

upon your lips.  

 

Then Almitra spoke again and said,

And what of Marriage, master? 

And he answered saying:

You were born together, and together

you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when the white

wings of death scatter your days.  

Aye, you shall be together even in the

silent memory of God.  

But let there be spaces in your together-

ness, 

And let the winds of the heavens dance

between you.

 

Love one another, but make not a bond 

of love: 

Let it rather be a moving sea between

the shores of your souls. 

Fill each other’s cup but drink not from 

one cup. 

Give one another of your bread but eat

not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous,

but let each one of you be alone, 

Even as the strings of a lute are alone

though they quiver with the same music. 

 

Give your hearts, but not into each

other’s keeping. 

For only the hand of Life can contain

your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near to-

gether: 

For the pillars of the temple stand

apart, 

And the oak tree and the cypress grow

not in each other’s shadow. 

 

And a woman who held a babe against

her bosom said, Speak to us of Chil-

dren. 

And he said: 

Your children are not your children. 

They are the sons and daughters of 

Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from 

you, 

And though they are with you yet they

belong not to you. 

 

You may give them your love but not

your thoughts, 

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not

their souls, 

For their souls dwell in the house of 

tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not

even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek

not to make them like you. 

 

For life goes not backward nor tarries

with yesterday. 

You are the bows from which your chil-

dren as living arrows are sent forth. 

The archer sees the mark upon the path

of the infinite, and He bends you with 

His might that His arrows may go swift 

and far. 

Let your bending in the Archer’s hand

be for gladness; 

For even as he loves the arrow that flies, 

so He loves also the bow that is stable.  

Pg15-22.

[withinUverse]

Well damn… lol… I tried to go to sleep and I’ve been laying here for three hours and my mind keeps on going on and on about this Journal.  It’s how I feel when I get obsessed with a project… I’ve mentioned it before… it’s like I don’t want to sleep or eat… I just want to get what’s out of my mind out… this happens when I’m doing artwork, but also a lot of time when I’m writing my personal visions contemplation… also when I’m coming up with ideas of how to use abundance of money… there’s just times like this and I’m aware it happens and so I’m trying to not ignore it but also i feel like honoring myself… so trying to get a balance…. I think I’ve been doing relatively well… but yes it’s 5 am and I can’t help myself… When I first started I thought I was just going to be talking about the awakening but seriously there’s just so much more to it.  The thing there was sooo much that happened to me during ceremonies this last time that there’s so much to process and these messages were very intense at least a large majority of them.  I feel like it’s a purging technique but I also feel if I only purge then it’s going to put ceremonies in a bad light which I definitely not trying to promote.  Ceremonies have been amazing for me and has changed my life in the best way… simply I would say they give me insights and inspiration… but the real work is to integrate and embody… this is what this Journal has been helping me with… and again I feel I need to like tell more of the great things that happens in ceremonies, but I also want to get on with the purging process.  I know it’s been a little crazy… but it’s going to get straight up fucking crazy in your opinion… lol… and I just want to get it out because this is what I’m purging.  I don’t want other’s opinions to stop me from what I’m guided to do… That’s the thing when I was going through these ceremonies I reached out to the people I trust most in my life and they were all worried and concerned with me.  I didn’t want them to worry but I was looking to ground my experience and I didn’t realize they were not going to help me… I needed to find it for myself and I’m doing that in different ways but again this process is helping me.  So yes there are many people I respect and I find value in their opinions, but to be completely honest there are three men that are at the top of the list.  My dad, my brother, and my spiritual lover.  All three of them thought I was going crazy.  And honestly I thought I was going crazy too, but only because I know it’s unusual with the what my experiences were saying.  In fact I had messages to get my story out because some of these messages are for the public and to get the attention of people who can help… I came up with lines even saying… “what if she’s crazy? But what if she’s tapping into something we don’t understand?”  That’s the thing… I don’t mind being tested… I’m honestly extremely curious to see if these messages are guiding in a way that I hadn’t known existed.  This is new for me so I know I’m going to make mistakes… but I’m not afraid to make mistakes anymore… they aren’t considered mistakes to me anymore.

I’m definitely struggling right now because I want to purge but I also know that what I focus on will be what other’s focus on because I’m writing this damn Journal… lol… who really knows how consciousness works?  I just briefly searched some topics here on the forum and something grabbed my attention about the Dalai Lama asking a boy to suck his tongue… and I didn’t read all the comments… I didn’t even watch the clip or whatever of him doing this… but someone was questioning if he’s even enlightened really… And I wonder how they know what it’s like to be enlightened?  I know this process I’ve been through is what I would call enlightenment or awakening… but it wasn’t anything that I thought it was.  You don’t automatically become this perfect person… in a human sense… what if it shows he has a human side to his enlightenment… maybe if he makes mistakes it might give people comfort to possibly think… if he still makes mistakes maybe I can still have a chance to enlighten as well.  I don’t know how to explain it but we can really see how deep the conditioning goes and I know I’m trying very deliberately to purge it out of my system… but doesn’t mean that I’m going to go even deeper still… it’s not so black and white… people who haven’t reached enlightenment and then questioning someone who is… is kind of comical to me… we have these outrageous ideas of what enlightenment is… and believe me… I did too!  I’m not immune to being unconscious.  Of course I had no clue… until it happened and then you get a huge awakening that it’s not what we originally think it is.  A lot of times I would say things that were similar but I wasn’t really deeply conscious of what I meant even though I thought I knew.  I thought I knew what consciousness was, but not to the extent of what I know it now… lol.. and I’m pretty damn sure it will continue to deepen, but there does seem to be a threshold I passed through… 

There was also a comment about celibacy doesn’t work… and you know maybe it doesn’t…. But have we tried to be celibate?  Believe me I didn’t know celibacy was going to be part of my path, but it hasn’t been the only path for me, but it has helped me in ways I didn’t realize until I did it.  So yeah again I’ll have to mention balance.  I completely agree that many religions are not comfortable with our human sexual side… and the more they ignore it the more dysfunction occurs.  But the thing is the more dysfunction the more the collective wants to learn how to make the changes.  And the tendency for the collective is to go completely the other way… the pendulum swings to hedonism.  The pendulum continues to swing until if finds the balance… for me… having celibacy in my life helped me see there needed to be a balance.  But again because I’ve had sexual experiences I don’t have pent-up energy and I don’t have shame of participating in sexual experiences.  Well mostly not shame… lol… again I didn’t know I was shaming myself.. at the time but definitely I’d look back and shame myself because I wished I made more conscious decisions but I wasn’t conscious to make those decisions.  Because I put myself in these situations I’m learning from them.  I’m not sure if you feel like you’re here to learn but that’s what I see myself doing.  Learning… learning is what I want to do while I’m experiencing this physical reality and I can find I’m learning far more then just the physical world.  Learning… is what we are doing… so why are we shaming people?  If they knew better they wouldn’t have done it in the first place.  That’s the thing… I was shaming myself… If I’m doing it to myself then I can do it to others… vice versa… if I hear someone shaming someone, I know they are shaming themselves… because for some reason we don’t see them as myself and it’s easier to voice out the shame… the hard part is to look at our own shame… That’s what I’m doing here.  I want to be the best healer I can be… so I’ve got to clean my shit up.  I know if I’m not ashamed, embarrassed, or guilty of myself then I will better help heal others who are going through similar situations.  Just like sexuality… we are living in a dysfunctional sexual societal… i want to heal this to help others heal too.  If people see that I’m not afraid to tell my history… maybe they aren’t going to be afraid to tell their own history.  If they’re afraid they don’t understand the degrees of consciousness or conditioning… they haven’t reached that threshold to walkthrough awakening or enlightenment.  They would be conscious that they were not conscious enough to tell the story they want to create in their history before… it is not easy when you’re conscious of this… let alone when you’re unconscious of this.

By the way enlightenment and awakening and learning is very unique… everyone doesn’t get the same messages in the same way… we aren’t even interpreting words the same in our own language.  If exposing myself to how I hear infinite intelligence guiding me makes me sound crazy… then I’d rather be crazy then moping around sad, angry, and hopeless.  If something is calling to me I want to go and explore it… not ignore it and be complacent.  That’s just me… and I’m happy where I am… we live in a remarkably incredible world… I could list an infinite amount of words saying how awesome reality is and it still wouldn’t explain the truth of it.  I’m the piece of art on the canvas I was painting then realized I was both… and what I’m doing now is taking over the paining from the canvas perspective and changing my surroundings that I thought I wasn’t creating but now I see is possible… and pretty soon I’ll step myself away from the canvas to explore more… where did I go who was painting?  Well I decided I wanted to become the art so I figured out how to get into the canvas and play around the world I created.  We haven’t scratched the surface of what’s possible… well I haven’t personally and for some reason I’d like others to join me on the adventure. 

There might have been some energy that was a little frustrating there… but sometimes I have to blurt it out… maybe someone needed a wake up call… because we want everyone to wake up… you might judge an action of the Dali Lama… but do we realize he’s been trying to wake up this world?  He and others enlightened ones have tried and are trying to wake us up.  I think we could be doing so much more than judging, shaming, embarrassing, and guilting one another… but we got to do it for ourselves to understand what I’m trying to say.  At least see all these “negative” things that are happening is so we change them.  It doesn’t have to exist as a negative anymore… stop repeating the cycle… if we’re satisfied with living the cycle… we can keep teaching others that this is where our focus should be.  Keep teaching our children this too so the next generation continues to be conditioned because we can’t do it for ourselves.  I feel like I’m falling into this because I know who I’m talking to… lol… when are we going to decide as a collective we don’t want to live that way anymore?  Can we imagine that… can we dare to dream that?  Why is dreaming for a different reality so scary or challenging?  Let’s see who said “The only constant in life is change”… Heraclitus.  And then Benjamin Franklin quoted, “Change is the only constant in life.  Ones ability to adapt to those changes will determine your success in life.”  This maybe true that we’ve got to adapt if the collective conscious is mostly unconscious… but if the collective conscious is making conscious change… adapting won’t be such a challenge.  We are deliberately making choices to improve.  Once we see it working in one area then we expand.  Technically we have all the time in the world… so if we don’t want to take on the responsibility… eventually it’s going to happen but don’t we want to experience that in this chance we have now?  I know I do and I’m going to try my best… not trying is not an option for me.  

Woooh… well I just needed to vent a little I think… because I’m frustrated I know it’s because I’m frustrated in myself.  I know I shouldn’t be, but I am… and I’m deliberately calling myself out so I can get through this purging process.  I’ve realized these interactions specifically sexual interactions since I’ve met and had messages of a spiritual lover has caused an effect on me.  I was shaming myself because I thought I wasn’t being loyal or honoring him.  And it’s not even the waking world him… it’s the spiritual him… the waking world him… wouldn’t give a shit probably… lol… well to be honest the spiritual him would actually understand… so pretty much there’s nothing to be ashamed of, but again… why did I place it on myself?  I feel like the way I approached him is nothing like I have done in the past… and I knew it was going to be too much to handle… it was too much for me at the time.  It may sound like I’m constantly bombarding him but that’s not the case either.  In the past if I was attracted to somebody and it wasn’t working out at the time…  I’d be taking this time to get healthier in my sexuality.. and I’d assume exposing myself to experiences willy-nilly… really without a care to myself or anyone else.  But that’s not how I work anymore.  I’ve been getting messages of clearing out my past sexual relationships.. and it’s not like it tells me exactly how to do that… so I have to figure it out.  Not only do I feel like there’s an attachment that is caused by having sex with someone, but I also feel their energies are shared with mine.  So if they have negative or unhealed energies then they are sharing it with me and I have to clear it all out.  So there’s no way I just want to continue having sex with just anyone… lol.   But then I have this issue of wanting to learn how to orgasm freely… and again I don’t want to just go around having sex with everyone… but did I get a message on how to do it?  yes, but am I ashamed of what had to happen for me to experience that?  Yes… at least when it was going on.  I found out that my body doesn’t have the issue of orgasming… it’s my mind that stops me.  Literally my mind stops me even from practicing on myself, because I’d prefer to have a partner… why?  It’s just an excuse, right?  Maybe that’s why I find myself in situations I don’t want to be in.  If I don’t deliberately do it myself… existence will help me learn but not necessarily the way I thought would work best for me.  This is my understanding of what’s going on with the collective in general.  If we don’t do it deliberately for ourselves… existence knows we want to work on it… so it will find a way to teach us, but it might not be the way we want to learn.  Either way it’s getting done.  When we know we are being deliberate… we’re conscious we are working on learning.  When existence does it for us… we might not realize it’s happening… especially if we’re not conscious existence is trying to help us learn.  

Have I gotten any other strange or crazy messages that deals with sex?   Yes, sorta.  But was I embarrassed by it? Yes… but I don’t have to continue being embarrassed about it now.  I’ve already said I’ve got a message about digging into the earth at a specific location… and a message about visiting a specific mountain range for an expedition.  To me if felt like it’s easier to focus on these things because it’s easier to digest for the collective.  Especially the excavation.  I’m just as curious as anyone else to see if it’s true… again this is new for me so I want to see if I’m understanding the message correctly.  And this one seems to be the easiest of the three.  I was focusing on these two, but it was like I was almost forgetting this third message, but I feel this third message might help out the collective more than any of them… or maybe not.   What’s the third message?  I got a message that healthy semen is a medicine.  At first one might say that’s crazy, but how crazy is it really?  Semen is part of the creation of life force.  Yes it’s mostly water but has nutrients.  There’s not a whole lot that gets ejaculated… but for some reason I’ve received this message.  And maybe because I’ve been celibate its saying I need to get some action… lol… but maybe there’s more to it?  I really don’t know but I’m curious definitely.  And it was given to me as if it would be good for my diet.  It felt like I might even have something like an illness that it would help maybe?  At that time I was dealing with a staph infection and a parasite… maybe connected?  Another unusual twist is I was getting messages that there’s two specific people who would be the most compatible for me… my spiritual lover and my brother… lol… with my brother’s message he’s the only one in the world that shares my DNA, genes, and chromosomes.  I’m not sure about the spiritual lover other then maybe that’s why we are attracted to certain men… could they be a medicine to us?  I don’t know, but again I’d be curious to find out.  I also received a message that healthy semen still is medicine because my body will be able to transmute it to my needs.  So when I received this message it first startled me because I didn’t know anything was wrong with me.  why was I getting messages to change my diet.. not only this but to go on a fruit fast… well that’s what I did… it was telling me to eat mostly fruit again I can only think of nutrients.  And if I have something I’m trying to heal… I’m not going to get a message of hey go to the doctor and take this medicine… lol… as a shaman I received messages of what I can do that’s natural medicine.  I had dejavu when I got this message.  It was realizing I knew this was going to be a part of my story… and I didn’t want it to be a part of my story.  I was picturing people sending me their healthy semen samples through the mail… lol.  (I did forget because I feel like I should be eating more fruit then I currently am now… lol).  But this really shook me up… and I know i wasn’t grounded but I started reaching out to possible people that might find my story interesting enough to look into it.  I emailed a biology professor, a Brazilian Ayahuasca researcher, and a few other organizations.  Not long after I sent the emails… I lost my phone and was unable to log into my account when I finally got a replacement phone.  But I also shared it with the group I was hanging out with in the city.  I was painting a mural at a vegetarian restaurant and there were several people participating in ceremony and dietas who are patrons.  It was obviously not the easiest conversation to bring up because I’d easily predict the most likely reaction… that’s pretty crazy… and a lot of laughter.  But in my head… how would I even setup a way to test this out?  I’d get a complete physical with blood, urine, and stool… do I have an illness?  I got those in Peru but my blood work seemed fine and the urine and stool showed the parasite.  But they were specifically looking for a parasite… I’m sure you can tell more from those samples?  Maybe?  I don’t know I honestly never go to a doctor anymore.  Lol… I don’t get sick and I feel great… so again that’s why this entire message shook me up.  And again… it’s hard to ignore but I also don’t know where to really start.  I still feel I need to start at the excavation project… it’s the only time I got a message to put my intentions into ceremony to find the results I’m looking for.  This will teach me.  That’s the thing… all of these messages might not be the result that I think it will be… and I know the destination isn’t always the most important part… it’s the journey of learning.  

So maybe I don’t have to purge out every little detail… we’ll have to see I guess how I feel next time.  It’s a good time to break for now.

[withinUverse]

Well… I said I was wanting to have a clean slate… and as I’m waking up today… my sexuality needs to be adjusted again.  I’ve tried many ways from monogamy, polyamory, to celibacy, but I wasn’t as conscious when I was giving them a chance.  I’m not sure what that next chapter is going to be, but I’m open to it… maybe what I’m looking for doesn’t have a label and that’s what I need right now.  I just want to be more conscious whatever that looks like.  As I’ve been here with my family I already knew I’ve been attached to my family’s approval and I know that’s not working for me anymore… lol… and I just realize I’ve been attached to my spiritual lover’s approval and I now know that’s not working for me either… lol.  What I do know is it’s a beautiful day and I want to take a walk with my little buddy and see if he’s up to exploring our little park here.  I’m sure I’ll be on later… we’ll see.

Lol… well I went on a little vent with my pops and I can compare this to my diet.  People want me to label what type of eater I am…. They ask me if I’m a vegetarian… I say no but most of the time it seems to be the case.  But really I just want to eat whatever I feel like eating at the time… lol… I also realized that i thought I was the only one who wasn’t able to use the restroom properly but talking with my guests many were having similar issues.  They’d ask me what to do and I could tell them what I’ve been doing but I don’t know what’s going to work for them specifically.  All I know is if we are not regular expelling out our stool… it’s not healthy… so we’ve got to find out our own techniques to get that to be regular so it’s not staying stagnant in our system.  So now I’m realizing that I’m working through sexual dsyfunction… and I know my guests are too… but i don’t have the right answers to know what’s going to work for them, but I can tell me journey of what’s been successful to me.  Right now if I was to put a label on it… is I want to be on a more deliberate journey of autosexuality.  Again I assume that I’m the only one who isn’t comfortable stimulating myself.  I always made an excuse that I want a partner, but I don’t have a partner and I’m not interested in any type of partner… I want that partner to be me right now.  Maybe I don’t want to assume I’m the only one who feels this way.  Again I know my physical body does not have issues… it’s my mind that has the issue… and if I give it my attention I’m going to figure it out.  In reality I don’t want to just want a physical orgasm, but I also want and emotional one, but I’ll start where I feel comfortable with… lol… So yeah my sexual orientation right now will be autosexuality mostly but I’m not going to be so strict on myself that if I feel like doing more then that I’m going to stop myself because I’m trying to defend my label… lol… alright… again I’m still making my way to the park 

Edited April 14, 2023 by withinUverse
More insight that applied to my original thought

[withinUverse]

Well well… here I am… so…. I’m seeing this a little differently now.  I didn’t know where this was heading but I’m getting a better understanding.  It’s almost like I set myself up in a way… lol… I was playing chess with myself and I’m trying to figure out if I should keep fighting myself, or just fall into a check mate situation… lol… If I keep fighting it’s just going to prolong the inevitable… I was playing the unconscious pawn just stumbling on to this game board, but I see how I lured myself into a situation that will get me to where I want to be, but I didn’t know that I knew… lol.. and being in check mate won’t be all that bad… lol

So there are things I’ve been working on… I can be on the strict side but there are other areas where I’m lax.  I’m still working on them but allowing my time to do so… I’m still going to in a way, but I know I’m going to be a little more on it now.  How do I explain?  Well… I know the more I love myself the more I love universally.  It’s a bit crazy to try to walk myself through this… but I know I was scared to be my full potential, even though this is what drives me.  At times I would even use the excuse that I don’t want to make others feel uncomfortable around me.  But I thought I was going to be uncomfortable being around me.  I thought if I had it all there would be so much change that I wouldn’t recognize myself.  And I’ve been changing sooo much, but it’s to be more authentic.  I don’t even recognize who I’m describing in my past sometimes… and again I want people to understand where I’ve been so they can apply these situations to themselves… it can be challenging to change, but sometimes there’s nothing going to stop you from creating change for yourself.  

So… here’s this autosexuality that I know will help me out… and I’ve known for many years and slowly I’ve tried to work on this but it was easy to make excuses of why not to have a focus in this situation.  Autosexuality isn’t really all of it, but it’s a part of it.  I started to think about how I would like to approach it.  I started coming up with excuses only a few hours after saying it.  I told myself well I don’t really feel sexy right now.  I’ve been living without running water for six months… I want to be feeling so fresh and so clean.  How would I want to date myself… lol… I’ve been doing it already but not in this way.  Ok maybe I need to start again with the history and then bring it forward… I feel like I haven’t gotten myself into a flow state… 

So… I love my dad, but I’ve known since middle school his desire to have women.  Now he wants a lover who wants to love him back, but at first I didn’t think this.  I knew he would go to strip clubs and he would engage in watching pornography… which I hear is quite common.. lol… but when I knew this was going on I thought he only was interested in women because of their looks.  He couldn’t tell their personalities from doing this.  He took a dancer to vacation with him and I didn’t understand.  I told him she was just manipulating you dad… you’re paying her to act like she enjoys your company.  If she actually liked your company you wouldn’t have to pay for her… she’d just join you.  This and I’m sure other things led me to not want to be attractive at first.  I didn’t want guys to only be interested in my looks.  I wanted them to get to know who I was.  That’s probably why I didn’t like guys who were forward with their attraction with me before we even had a conversation… if you’re just looking for something to look at… there’s pornography… I’m more then that but if you don’t care to find out… move on then sir.. no thank you.  I was young when I got into a long monogamous relationship.  And I liked to be attractive then, but I wasn’t loving myself entirely.  I would try to morph myself into what I thought my partner wanted from me.  Now I’m not extreme when I’m saying this… but I knew I wasn’t being as authentic as I wanted to be… mainly because I was needy.  I liked to get dressed up… it was fun to be a ballroom dance instructor because it was new and I felt pretty... I had to look nice and done up all the time  I’m not used to that.. lol… i used to pick on my girlfriends on how long they took to get ready.  I couldn’t relate and I hadn’t really had the desire to learn either.  But when I became celibate I took it almost to the extreme.  I was trying to repel men from me.  I still wanted them to want to get to know me as a person, but that desire to not be looked at as a sexual partner was strong in me too.  Honestly it wasn’t even a successful strategy, but it didn’t stop me from trying. 

Celibacy was a challenge because I had to have conversations to many men that i am not interested in a romantic relationship with them.  I enjoy having friends and hanging out, but if they didn’t want that with me… then we aren’t going to be friends.  I didn’t want to have these conversations.  I was trying to figure out how to stop guys from hitting on me.  But I still had to continue to get better at having those type of conversations.  

I’m not feeling it right now… I just want to rest… i guess I’m still in a battle and damn it i don’t want to be, but here i am.  The conditioning to sabotage is still in play… i can be patient with myself… it’s going to get worked out.  

[withinUverse]

Alright… I feel better… I can see that I placed myself on a game board… I was considering just leaving the game that is an option but I don’t want to.  It’s a bit challenging because I’m so used to comparing my decisions by my past.  I know what I’ve decided in the past and I want to sit and judge… lol… but I’m working to get out of that story.  That’s what’s been more apparent lately… I know I’m going to make the changes I want, but I also don’t want to be so strict.  I’d like to be more chill.  We’ll see how it goes.  

What do I mean I don’t want to be strict?  I don’t want to pressure myself.  I know there’s situations that I’ve created and I know I’m working on creating more consciously.  It’s almost as if it’s natural for me to pick out the areas I”m doing wrong, but they aren’t wrong… it was just unconscious behavior and existence has the patience with me and I want to have that same patience with myself.  I’m extremely happy with where I’ve come and at times I feel like I want to celebrate myself, and at the same time I think I’m not worth the celebration.  But I know this is an old thought that I have said to myself so often that it’s easy to continue the repetition.  But I know now that I’m worth the celebration.  I don’t need the celebration from others, but for me to allow myself to celebrate who I am is what I want to be more conscious of.  But it’s a process and if I’m used to my old patterns those patterns did help me get to this state and this state is giving me more opportunities to create more deliberately but without the pressure.  I can do that for myself.  

I was afraid of being attractive.  Yet attraction is how existence teaches.  It’s been showing me that I don’t have to be afraid of attraction.  The more I love myself fully and unconditionally the more I can love existence fully and unconditionally.  I’ve been attracting amazing things into my experience regardless if I thought I wasn’t being attractive.  I was even trying to repel at times and that’s not how I want to live in this existence.  I had a choice to return and I want to choose to be very attractive.  I want an abundance of opportunities to find me and for me to explore an abundance of opportunities.  My mind has been the magnet and I’m gaining more mindfulness in this.  

I went to my nephews first soccer game of the season.  It was nice because my sister-in-law messaged my dad directly.  He talked to me before he responded and he wasn’t sure if she was supposed to send it to him or me.  I told him I don’t want to me the middle man between your relationship.  She is messaging you because she’s trying to be more deliberate in the relationship she’s creating with you.  Later I was taking the kids and their puppy on a walk around their neighborhood and then a bike ride.  While I was doing this I noticed my dad talking to my brother.  It seemed like they were having a heart-felt conversation but I didn’t want to listen… and I didn’t even ask my dad for details.  I know they can work out arrangements that’s going to work for them.  And I trust that.  I did feel like I wanted to talk to my sister-in-law, but I did’t… we allowed each other space, but we also involved each other with the kiddos.  I cannot help myself… they have most of my attention and they want to be noticed… I’d love to do that in the way I can when I can.  Lol… I finally have a camera again and so I had to make videos… I’ll be creating little videos to remember the times… it makes me feel good.  There’s so many precious moments at any given time… lol… it’s like a prolonged precious moment that just is when I’m with them.  Every little detail from when they are displaying all the different feelings they have in just a small amount of time.  I’m trying to not be uncomfortable when they are dealing with uncomfortable emotions.  My initial response is to get them to be more positive but if I just take my time and ask questions I found they have created that for themselves.  My six year old was riding his bike and I was pushing the two year old with a cart that has a bike built into it.  I was walking and my nephew was riding ahead and round back to ride along side.  He came back one time and stopped and said he’d like to talk to me about something.  I stopped and gave him my attention.  I knew he was serious.  I asked him what he’d like to talk about.  He said that his mom had news on her phone and he understood that there are airplanes that are dumping toxins into this neighborhood.  He said there are people who are trying to kill him.  Wow… of course that makes me uncomfortable but I made the comment… really?  I don’t hear news like that… I’m uncertain if that’s truly the case.  He said well her news is different from your news.  I said yes that might be.  What do you feel about it?  He said he was crying when he first heard about it, but now he’s ok with it.  I said what do you mean?  He said well I’m only six years old… I was asking myself why was I so worried about dying right now. And then he rode off on his bike.  Again… if I had it my egoic way… I wish he didn’t have to go through that experience honestly.  I could see myself wanting to shelter him from that type of news, but how he responded was pretty mature for his age.  He is aware that these “bad” things might be happening but he doesn’t want to focus on them right now.  I’m sure I could’ve said or done more,, but again I trust he’s intelligent and knows how to work it out in his own way and in his own style.  If he was terrified and uncomfortable to live life… then I’m sure I’ll be moved to ask him more questions, but he’s doing good.  I’m glad he spoke to me about it… he wanted to shared it with me.  He trusts me and that’s why I can’t make quick responses… I wanted to hear how he’s processing it and again it’s his mom that’s sharing this with him… I don’t want to undermine his mother either… she’s going to continue to be raising him… but already I see he’s not living a life in that fear… at least not into degrees that its going to stunt him from living his life.  Children are quite fascinating… from every age.  

My cousin had a fire last night… he lives right across the street from my dad.  My cousin lives in our grandparents home.  He has the two year old.  I guess it was his first fire pit and he was in tranced with the fire.  I hear a comment about it… and I said I don’t blame him… I still get into that state when I’m with fires too.  We haven’t been around each other too many times but again it’s nice to see him recognize me and ask for me to hold him… lol… it’s satisfying being able to create connections in a few attempts.  I held him for awhile and he was a bit restless to be sitting so I was standing with him.  He was interested in the fire for a little bit… but he was just interested in looking around too.  We could see his dog in the shadows.  He wanted to look at the cars and trucks driving by.  He wanted to check the bugs flying in the light around the house.  He’s just curious and I like to observe what he’s curious about.  It’s entertaining to also hear the conversations that go around especially with people I haven’t met or rarely spoken with.  There was a guy who graduated a year behind me in high school.  I didn’t know him well but of course we knew of each other.  He had a birthday the night before.  I ended up having a pretty decent conversation.  I do like to talk to my hometown peeps… I feel like we don’t have to bullshit around with each other and it’s nice.  He had heard about my travels and was saying he’d like to do some traveling himself.  My cousin and his wife and her sister and husband are all going on a cruise to the Bahamas this November and they were all excited about it.  One of their friends was saying there’s no way he would go on a ship.  And then he mentioned there was no way he’s going to fly.  But the guy who graduated with me and I ended up sharing a smoke break together… and so I was able to just feel him out and see where he’s at.  He knows he’s really scared to do and try things.  He wants to but he’s afraid… of course it’s not easy to admit that but he did it.  He lost his dad a few years back and so he inherited the house.  He feels almost like an obligation to take care of the house for him, but he knows his dad doesn’t want him to waste away here in our home town.  We both agreed there’s great things about our home town, but he has the feeling he wants more then what this place offers.  He mentioned he felt like he was getting old now… and of course I had to mention that I’m excited for my forties.  He acknowledged he liked my positivity.  But I explained that I traveled regardless of my circumstances and also it was scary at first but I just figure it out.  I know he could do the same thing.  He’s moved around a little while he was younger to different cities in Indiana… so he’s tried it… and I said you knew this place will be here if you decide to come back.  Sometimes it’s nice to know that when deciding to make a move somewhere new.  He laughed… he said but if I leave I don’t want to return.  Well… you have options and sometimes you might be looking for something comfortable again so don’t feel bad if you find yourself back here.  He said he’s forty now and feels like he’s done nothing with his life.  I said you’ve lived a lot of life already but you’re maybe now ready to face new challenges maybe.  He said he’s getting there.  We returned back to the group and my cousin’s wife was kidding with us as we sat down.  They actually work together and she’s the boss… so did she convince you to move and get a job somewhere else and travel?  The guy who doesn’t want to travel on boats and planes said… well there’s no way you can persuade me to do that.  I chuckled and said.. I didn’t plant these seeds… he created these seeds and I’m just wanting to water them and tell him he can do it.  I’ve been in his spot and I’ve started doing it and I know he can too.  Maybe he just wanted someone who wasn’t going to keep him where he is, when where he is is not satisfying for him anymore.  

My little buddy Elvis and I have been sheltered up for the winter and now that spring is here I want to get him back out… lol… he got out the other night but I have a harness and leash that I’m still trying to tran him with.  It hasn’t been consistent so he still struggles with it, but we’re working things out in our own time.  I have a cat carrier backpack… As I’m walking I’m always trying to figure out how to make my own that will work better for us.  It’s tricky because airlines can be pretty strict and they don’t want handmade carriers… lol… but maybe I can tweak one and they won’t even notice.. lol… but my poor little guy… lol.. he has a crazy mom who tries to get him out of his comfort zone… lol.  I’m not pushy too hard but yeah i definitely have him trying new things.  He’s been locked up inside for so long I know he needs a little adjustment.  When we go on camping or hiking trips by ourselves… he loves it when he explores the woods.  So I know he’ll continue to enjoy it, but we don’t have a woods right now.  But I took him to the main park which had high traffic… everyone is feeling spring in the air.  There’s another smaller park that I think might work better next time.  He was out roaming but he was so uncomfortable that he wasn’t noticing the smells and the grass and the insects or the plants.  It wasn’t until we got back to our yard did he start to explore more comfortably… so I want to take him out around the house more on his leash… just trying to get him comfortable… believe I’m trying to train him so he doesn’t need that as we’re traveling, but right now we still do.  If I’m at locations we’re going to be staying awhile or they are out in the middle of nowhere… then I let him off his leash.  He doesn’t want to run away from me… but he likes to do his own thing… and if he knows where to find me we’re both good.  But I travel in different circumstances so I’m trying to get him more comfortable when we have to use the leash and the backpack.  Right his backpack he hates when he’s at home because he knows I want to take him on a walk.  And while he’s outside he loves his backpack because its a known sanctuary for him… lol… again ideally I’d love to be able to go to a park and let him roam and then be able to call him and he jumps into the backpack and we can head wherever next.  I don’t think that’s too much to train.  But I’ve got to learn how to train myself as much as him.  We’re working on it… maybe I have to introduce some noise makers or something.  When we were staying with my friend and her two dogs… she had bells on the door for them to let her know they needed to use the restroom.  My cat picked up on that quickly… of course it’s in the middle of the night… lol.. but still it was letting me know he wanted outside to explore and sometimes to use the restroom… and it was letting him know that I’m trying to better understand his needs… lol… we’re figuring it out.

I know I’ve been working on building relationships of all kinds.  And I know I’m getting better, but I mostly focused on my relationship with others.  Yes I’ve been doing a lot of personal work too, but there’s more I can do and I’m ready to place my attention there and not feel bad about it.  Lol… I‘be been telling people I’m trying to learn how to date myself when celibacy came up.  And really I have been trying but I think I can take it a bit deeper then in the past.  I was laughing at myself because I could hear all the excuses I was telling myself about how it’s not the perfect situation for me to play with myself right now… lol… I was thinking how I don’t feel sexy because I’m rarely having opportunities to bath because of limited water right now.  I also was saying I’m sharing a space with my dad… I don’t really feel comfortable trying to masturbate in one room while I know my dad is just in the other room… lol… I was saying maybe I just need to rent an airbnb in the woods with a large bath tub.  That’s what I’ll need to put me in the mood of seducing myself… lol… well I can work that out, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t start doing a little now.  When I take my baths I can take my time doing it.  I know how much I enjoy washing my partners… lol… I love sharing baths and showers with them.  I love taking my time massaging their hair and every inch of their body gets my attention.  Well I can do that for myself too.  Again I’ve done that for myself in other areas… it hasn’t been to the point of every time but yes I’ve been increasing those times to treat myself.  Just like cooking… I really love it when I take the time to make beautiful food for me to eat.  It feels really good to eat healthy and beautiful food… lol… And I know I want to explore myself sexually but I also know it’s not so easy for me… my mind really gets in the way but I can work with my mind… I’ve been building a very trusting relationship with it… and so I’ve learned how to ease myself into it.  My mind is getting more patient and so maybe I need to focus on that when I do find those moments I feel like playing with myself.  I don’t need to pressure myself.  So yeah… just taking my time as I wash was a great start.  I like touching my skin… my skin loves to be touched.  I can do that for myself.  I used to help friends to give ourselves self massages.  We love massages and we don’t have partners to do it for us… so let’s do it for ourselves.  I’m feeling like I want to do that before I go to bed tonight even… my body wants some attention.  And I want to give my body attention… so nothing’s stopping me from building that relationship.  I know I love movement too… I’ve been waking up or even in the middle of the day… whenever I feel like it stretching my body and moving and loosing my body up feels amazing… I’ve tried to introduce that into my play time in the past… adding some sexy music and dancing with myself and it helps I think… usually I don’t want to take all that time lol… but I’ve got plenty of time… so why not… lol

So I think this might be the reason why I haven’t been wanting to share ceremonies right now too.  I’ve been afraid to have any sexual lessons come up with people.  When it comes to sharing ceremony with others.. it’s like a 50/50 chance… lol… I didn’t like my lessons when I was experiencing them… but I’ve allowed myself to process and understand why I want them to be different… and so I feel when sexual lessons come up.. I’m going to respond in a more conscious manner.  When I avoid ceremonies… it’s easy for me to tell myself that I’ve healed this part of me… but I know that I’ll better understand where I really am is when I share and see what my decisions are when it arises.  I cannot deny where i am when I witness myself responding.  Is it really different?  Or am I approaching it differently?  Lol at one time I thought maybe I could be that monk in a cave… maybe I can live that life… but I saw how seclusion and not allowing myself to experience if I’m making different decisions created an illusion of being better.  Granted I was making better decisions, but I also noticed I wanted to deepen that understanding more.  If I stayed secluded I wouldn’t have wanted to deepen because I wouldn’t assumed I just am where i want to be.  I love sharing my experiences with this world to live in a cave… lol… so as I’ve been processing these embarrassing, shameful, and guilty thoughts that was sneaking into my mind… and how it was because I wasn’t as conscious at the time… I started to ask myself if I’m ready to go back in?  I knew what underlying fears I had about ceremony… but I’m not blinded to it right now…. I’ve got it out in the open and so I can be more mindful… it’s not in the dark anymore.  Anyway… there are two guys that literally just messaged me in the last two days.  It’s like they heard me saying maybe I’m ready… lol.. and they’re like hey… we’re still here and we’re still interested… if you’re ready, we’re ready…. Lol… I just want to get to know them a little more before I decide.  So I’m going to see one tomorrow and one on wednesday.  I thanked them for their patience and allowing me to process… I’ve needed to do this and let’s see where we are in each other’s space.  I love ceremony and I want to share… so maybe I’m ready to bring that back in.  I’ve already seen this group I’ve been working with briefly… they aren’t very needy.  They respected my space and that’s a huge sign for me.  And for them to give me a few months.. what three months… that’s great.  They aren’t desperate, but they are still interested and they want to see what we can share together…. So yes I might be getting back into ceremony.. yay!  That makes me happy.. lol.. I’m not sure if I’m ready to share with everyone who’s expressed an interest, but I can make those decisions as I go.  I don’t want to attract everyone who thinks they want to give it a try.  I want to attract the ones who’s ready to dig deep within themselves and who are compatible with my style of introduction.  

I’ve already mentioned that I like having conversations with people from my hometown… he don’t have to bullshit each other around… I’ve noticed that I’m wanting to include more into my category of family too… And I know if I can grow this more the more comfortable I can be with anyone.  I’m patient to see where they are and what they’re comfortable on focusing on.  If we find ourselves in deep conversations then we won’t have to bullshit around… we’ll go deep.  But I can see them as family… we’re helping each other out.  We attracted our engagement and whatever that leads I’ll learn from our engagement and I’ll be thankful.  

Alright… I want to give myself a full body massage and set my alarm to get up to take my grandma to church.  I’m sure I’ll go up and down in this process… but I’m ready for it and I’ll try my best to explain my processing of this. 

 

[withinUverse]

Last night was great… I think I took close to an hour of a full body massage, I did some stretching, and some circular motions in my hips and my head.  My body was buzzing and I was so relaxed… maybe I am trying to build a relationship with my body more.  Lol… I feel like if I’m going to seduce myself I have to work my body and mind to trust each other for some reason… lol… help them get into the same state before moving forward.  I know there’s a connection to be found.  It was around 4am and laying there very comfortably, but I have my mind going.  I thought maybe this would be a good time to try something… but I know I revert to my go-to technique.  It feels good but I know it’s just a quick pick me up.  I wasn’t really prepared to spend a lot of time.  I’m also finishing my moon time of the month… so outside rocking pressure feels good and I also know it helps relax me enough to sleep… lol… and sure enough I fell right to sleep afterwards.  So I feel like I should look at my habits and what can I change.  First of all… I don’t do a full body massage often, but damn it did feel really good… having a body buzz from massaging can definitely be incorporated more.  I’m afraid that maybe I have used my tried method as attempts to go to sleep more than exciting myself.  This tried method has been the first way I found enjoyment touching myself.  I haven’t been creative in this area.  I have my clothes on and how I position my hands to create pressure and I also use my legs to add leverage and additional pressure.  I think with this technique it made it easy for me to only do it quickly and then move on.  So I’m not sure how to take my time into it.  There has been a few times where I’ve tried to put music on with candles… and add oils but I still felt I was taking way too long, so I’d give up.  I know I’m different from who I was when I tried these so I can give them another chance.  But is there away that my expectations in a partner is what I’m placing on myself too?  Lol.. I’m not sure how to explain it… I never really wanted my partners to see my as just an object to have sex with.  I want a relationship to be built and maybe that’s what happens when I try to masturbate?  Does my mind think I’m objectifying myself?  Possibly… I’m not sure… lol… I have had these mind/body battles when it comes to sexuality before.  Lol… I remember I was one year into my celibacy and I found myself with a guy I really enjoyed conversations with.  He was so fun and he was handsome.  We had known each other for about six months… and he never approached me sexually.  But we found ourselves one night interested in mutual play.  I felt like I had two split personalities going on at the same time.  My body was like.. holy shit… it’s about time… And my mind was like… holy shit… don’t do this to yourself or him… you’re not ready and you don’t want to do this with him.  I know we were escalating and again I found myself wanting to just lose control… I remember I was talking dirty to him… I told him I want to fuck his face… lol… and he was all about it!  But literally I was in a battle… telling him I’m sorry I can’t keep doing this.  I’m not ready.  He was such a gentleman and once he realized I pulled the breaks he did too.  We were able to talk about it and he laughed because he hadn’t had a girl talk to him like that.  He really wanted to see what I wanted to do with his face… I could laugh with him but I told him I had to be honest I know I’m not ready and I shouldn’t have put him in that situation.  He knew I was in process of trying to see if celibacy is going to be helpful for me and it had been a year and I about lost control.  I knew I would’ve regretted it.  We continued to enjoy the rest of the night and held each other while we slept.  Four years later… he travels a lot and we hardly speak but we still see what kind of adventure and projects we’re interested in at the time, and give each other support when needed.  He’s a very fascinating man!  I felt bad that I put him in that situation and I knew I didn’t want to put anyone else in that situations so being more communicative from that point forward was apparent for me.  And I was able to create those boundaries up front.  Since then I’ve kissed two other men but again… when we were in ceremony and I had to go through the entire explanation that I think they are great guys and I enjoy their company, but I only want to be friends with them and that we can share this experience but please don’t expect another time to come along.  I knew I really didn’t want to do it, but I also knew I was in control where I wasn’t going to let it go further then I wanted.  And it’s a harmless kiss… but damn… kisses are extremely sexy and intimate and playful and for me very erotic.  Damn it… I know that lesson was for me to experience as well as them.  Those guys are still good friends but it’s never been an issue since.  It hasn’t been brought up.  When I was an exotic dancer for what six weeks it was a high concentration of sexual experiences… and it was very informative for me.  Like I’ve mentioned I confirmed that I’m still a sexual being who liked to be attractive and I enjoyed pleasing others and that’s just as arousing in fact more arousing then pleasing myself.  It was different then… everyone was consensual.  Well everyone except for one man I was doing a private dance with.  He penetrated my anus with his fingers and I did not want to do that with him.  I stopped him and then quit the private dance.  He paid me for it, but I didn’t care if he paid me or not.  I did not want that to happen so I purchased butt plugs with jewels on the end so that won’t happen again.  One of the clubs, the girls were upset with me thinking I was trying to stand out… and I said I just don’t want anything to be done to me without consent.  They still suggested I shouldn’t wear them and they also didn’t like it when I didn’t have a set amount of dances in the private rooms and I liked to see where it led without putting a time limit on it… lol… so I stopped working there… but I was about to leave anyway.  But 99% it was consensual and that was really good for me.  I was able to play with people who wanted to play with me, but there wasn’t an expectation of going further.  I even thought this would be a great place to learn about sexuality if money wasn’t involved.  I had met people in the kink scene and i loved listening to their stories and how open-minded they were and the assumptions is no pressure, pure curiosity, consensual from all parties.  I hadn’t been to an event, but I did find it interesting.  Maybe that’s what I was hoping for when it came to a strip club… if money wasn’t involved it would be a kink party?  I don’t know.  But I do know I love outer play?  I don’t know if that’s a thing.. but when clothes are on it’s fun to tease and excite without actually being involved with the skin directly.  I had my first experiences with being intimate with women.  And I really enjoyed it.  They are so vocal… lol… you knew when you were doing things they enjoyed.  And they’re really slow and soft too.  I did kiss two women while in private rooms with their partners.  And it makes sense now, but it was surprising when I did it for the first time.  I’m not interested in having sex with a woman…at least right now I’m not… maybe if i had a strap-on… lol… but that’s more curiosity of possibly feeling how a man feels when they are penetrating. I’m guessing it wont be the same… but anyway.. i enjoy playing with women though… when they have their clothes on and i get to tease and excite them was very satisfying to me.. but i never had the thought i wish I could strip them down and do more.  Now men on the other hand… that can definitely cross my mind… when I’m having a good time and i feel the hardness of his cock… ummm huge excitement of… let me take him for a ride…lol but again I realized those were very fleeting and superficial… in my opinion.  I guess where I’m leading up to is this dieta where I was not only going to go through the beginning of threshold transformation of awakening but also the sexual lessons I was experience.  I’ve been going back and forth whether to give details or not, but I think I’ve made the decision that it’s a lot more healing to go through the details to purge it out.  And I guess I’m ready to do that now.

I’m not sure where I had left off, but I remember I was saying how I was frustrated on the attempts of my shaman asking to have sex with him… repetitively because he continued to ask even when I said I was not interested in him in that way.  I’m not trying to make him out as the bad guy… and I’m not trying to make myself as the bad guy.  I know I said we were the perfect pair to help each other out of our shadows of sexuality.  I also said… if we don’t have specific techniques to deal with the shadows… existence knows I want to learn and overcome these shadows so it will find a way to teach me… and it’s not normally what I would have chosen.  But the choices I was choosing wasn’t as affective as the blunt way existence and ceremony can do.   So I’m not sure if everyone has heard about dying to pass the threshold towards awakening… I had heard it from Leo, but again I didn’t know what that meant… and to be honest that didn’t even come into my memory at first.  But there was a ceremony where I thought I was going to die.  My shaman had used the words “tu necesito passé.”  He has to try to speak to me for me to understand… I knew I needed to do something… but the word passé was messing with me… I needed to pass?  In my ceremony I was laying there and i kept repeating i need to pass… and I even found myself holding my breath… I was like oh shit… does he mean I have to die?  Does he help people passover in tho the afterlife?    I thought well maybe that is what he does… I was the hospice nurse of my grandparents and it was like I was helping them prepare and be comfortable as much as they could be before they took their last breaths.  I witnessed my grandmother’s last breath.  I know not a whole lot of people would like to be in that position, but I found it an honor to be involved in that time with them.  I was so grateful for them and I thought this would be the least I could do… was to take care of them when it was their last moments in these bodies and in this reality.  So… yeah maybe that’s what’s going on with me now.  I’m going to leave this existence.  During ceremony is was not scary… I was not afraid.  In fact there was a part of me wanting to die.  I continued to lay there and I just kept thinking shit I came here to die… so I started listening all the things I’m not going to be able to do or see or feel again.  Pretty basic stuff of not seeing my family, my cat, the sun, trees… a huge list of not going to be able to experience ever again.  And my mind continues to wonder what else I’m never going to experience again… and yes sex came into my mind.  I’m holy shit… I’m not going to have sex again… regardless of how good or bad i am with sex… lol… I was sad I wasn’t going to experience it again.  Of course my spiritual partner came up and I could remember what we shared together and my fantasies of what I wanted to do with him… but he wasn’t there… and I’m about to die.  It’s easy for me now to say… damn it you don’t know what you were doing… you weren’t understanding the message and you’re about to do something you’re going to regret… don’t do it… but at that moment… I broke down.  I didn’t want to but yet I thought this will be my last chance and maybe my damn shaman is the last person I’m supposed to have sex with.  I turned to him and asked if he wanted to have sex with me, and his response was yes.  I didn’t want to add anything into the experience… so I wasn’t kissing on him or rubbing on him… nothing affectionate… I just wanted to get it over with and then I wanted to die.  And immediately I was disgusted with myself.  It was obvious to me and to my shaman I was not enjoying the experience.  I started laughing at myself because it was so terrible… it was so awful… I wish I would have just died with fantasies because that was so much more satisfying then allowing this man to enter me.  I couldn’t let it continue and I immediately smoked mapacho and was apologizing.  I wasn’t strong enough to die without having this last temptation to have sex one more time before my death.  I told him I was ready to passé.  And he told me I was unable to passé now that I’ve smoked the mapacho… I was confused… why would that stop me from dying?  It made no sense to me.  Once he said I wasn’t able to I went to my bed to lay with my thoughts and finally fall asleep.  I was horrified with my decision, but when I woke up the next morning.  I was pretty much going through a panic attack.  Why the hell is it my time to die?  Why would I be receiving all these messages about my future?  I’m just not understanding how to love and appreciate this life… why now?  Why do I have to die, and why did I have to come to the jungle away from everyone I love to die?  My shaman saw how I was reacting to the experience and he was trying his best to ground me.  He created a special plant bath and had me cool off.  He took me into the middle of some trees on his center and had me absorb the calming energy… it was helping but my mind couldn’t stop… but I also knew I wasn’t understanding the situation clearly though too… why did a part of me want to die?  Why was I not scared in ceremony?  Why was I calm and why did I feel like there’s nothing but love and patience from existence?  What am I missing?  His family came to prepare food and eat with us and we were planning on going into the city to pick up supplies the next day.  His youngest son is learning English, and I’d ask him to translate for me the questions I have towards his dad… but my shaman asked me not to talk about the ceremony.  What I got from it is he doesn’t want me to tell about the necessity to passé.  That seems to be something he doesn’t tell everyone… maybe only when they need to hear it, but I didn’t know what that meant.   They could see I was not my normal self.  And I admitted that I was having problems processing my ceremony last night.  I even admitted I thought I was going to die.  And I’m afraid to die.  I could barely communicate with anyone.  I did go to the village with the family and being around the children and watching them really calmed me down.  I thought I should enjoy these last moments… however many days it would be… i need to enjoy every second, because I known how much I’m going to miss these experiences.  I also slept a lot.  I kept thinking I’m missing something… I tried to talk to my shaman more and asked if I’m supposed to die?  He looked puzzled when I asked… I said does passé mean death?  He said no… I told him I don’t understand what passé is… is there another word he could use so I can understand?  He couldn’t think of another word.  I had to let him know that I thought I was literally going to die and I thought I wasn’t going to experience having sex anymore and that he was my only option.  I think he understood what I was saying and even he said that he will no longer ask me again.  I felt that when he saw how I was reacting while we were in those moments… it was clear as day that that wasn’t anything I wanted to share with him.  And I’m sure he was uncomfortable being involved with someone who was disgusted by the whole experience.  Again… we were teaching each other lessons whether we were conscious of it or not.

I had calmed down before the following week with the master plant and with another Aya ceremony.  I thought maybe I would be afraid to go back in, but I wasn’t… at that time I knew I was missing something and I knew there was a part of me and existence that wanted me to die… and dying wasn’t what I thought it was going to be… so I was curious to see what would happen.  Well the feeling of death did not come up…. It did not come up for a few ceremonies after.  But during this time I was processing what I was learning but in the back of my head I was getting more determined to know what was this death?  What did I stop myself from doing?  Now I really did want to know what death felt like.  It was about a month after that ceremony… I can’t remember if it was four or five ceremonies after (I could look in my journal, but it doesn’t really matter), but near an end of a ceremony… I was sitting by myself and then I just started working on myself… I wasn’t sure exactly what i was doing but I knew I was trying to change something in my mind’s structure.  In the middle of doing whatever I was doing… I found myself lifting up my head and it was the first time having a conscious experience of this physical reality.  At that moment I didn’t know anything because I didn’t know I had a mind to think… I didn’t know what was physical because that wasn’t in a vocabulary… I didn’t have language.  I didn’t know I was a human… I didn’t know this visual field I opened up was using my eyes… I found my hands and body and I had no clue what it was… but I wasn’t worried… I didn’t know how to worry… I wasn’t confused… I didn’t have any language in my head talking to me to label things and ask questions… I just was observing for the first time.  I was observing my body which I don’t even know if I was registering that it was myself I was looking at… it was just the first time observing consciously… my visual field started to move around and I was seeing the inside of the maloca with the wood floors and screens and shadows… again complete silence inside and outside of me… and I wasn’t trying to figure out where I was and what I was supposed to do… that wasn’t known for me to do that.  Nothing was known at that part of was just being.  I was just observing for the first time and I don’t even know if I was curious… I just happen to be moving the visual field and when i found my hands I placed it on my body and again I didn’t know what I was doing… it was all the first time for me.  Once my visual field moved and settled onto my shaman did words start to appear back into my head… memory started coming back… language and thought… I found myself laughing… and my shaman was smiling and said you’re a quick learner.  I knew what he was saying.  He tried to get me to this point at the other ceremony, but because he was guiding me without me knowing or expecting it… I thought I was going to die and leave this physical reality.  I’ve been gaining confidence in my abilities and I do know I’m a fast learner… I knew I’d be able to get there again, but when I did it myself… I didn’t have the feeling of dying… I had the feeling of Awakening for the first time.  I still think that’s an appropriate description… maybe I can get a better word for it, but I was born again.  I knew this is a profound moment in my life… and I knew I had nothing like this happen before and nothing compared to those moments.  I had even been giving myself previews of what this would be like… different ones as if to not look at something, place a label, and assume anything about it… lol.. it’s hard to explain but experience something on my own without conditioning being applied to it.  Try to reset my mind to experience things for the first time again.  But yes… that was profound and I knew I just went through a transformation, but I didn’t know what that transformation was at the time.  I was just so excited that I finally Awakened, but it wasn’t what I was expecting and I didn’t realize how much I needed to ground and integrate this experience to observe and understand the difference in me.  I’ve been doing it for a year and four months now.  But it’s only been six months that I took myself into seclusion and really isolate my thoughts and able to observe myself without having to do what other people expected of me.  I found my safe haven with my dad.  He has given me this space to integrate and it’s exactly what I needed.

Now that Awakening was like the first round… there was a second round that came later… I can’t really explain it but it felt like it was testing me… it was like ok… I know something is different, but do I really want to break through?  I hesitated the first time… will I hesitate again?  Well I didn’t and I was lost in ceremony with bliss, bliss, bliss… I was blissed out and it was almost asking me what I would like to experience more… this or that?  To me it was like the nonphysical or the physical?  And it was not any easy choice, but it also seemed like there was no wrong choice either.  Death is not nothing… it’s not “no existence”… that doesn’t existence… existence exists with or without a perception of a physical world.   So right… I don’t know if death really exists… it may seem that way to limited beings living a physical world, but we can awaken to being more than that and so even if humans think we are dead… we do not die… we can only exists.  We can start to understand infinity in a deeper way with experience and we can continue to dig deeper and deeper without ever reaching a finale point… there’s no end destination… we just exist… as amazing at that realization was… I chose to experience the physical reality more… again I was finally getting the hang of it… and I’m really understanding how to love and appreciate the physical world… hell yeah it’s a challenge, but I like to overcome those challenges.  When that decision was made… I started to return into my body and mind and what do I realize my physical body is experiencing?  Well… it definitely wasn’t what I was expecting… when I was in this state I was out of my body… I didn’t know that my shaman was already having sex with my body… again I was coming around and started to piece together what the hell was going on… here I am choosing to be a part of this physical reality and I come back to someone having sex without my consent and especially while I was pretty much in a vegetative state or comatose.  I start shaking my head because I knew I didn’t want to be involved with what was happening but literally my body has an orgasm.  It was the first time where I experienced a prolonged state of gushing… there was no emotional orgasm at that time… that would have been earlier in my bliss state… but he got off of me after I orgasmed and I rolled away and covered myself up… and didn’t talk to him.  I can’t remember if I just fell asleep right there or if I moved to my bed.  I just knew when I woke up I was ready to leave.  I was furious… I was supposed to have one more week of ceremony but I didn’t want another day.  I told him I need to give my things away to his family and the next boat out of the village I’m going to take it and I’m not going to spend one more night alone with him at the center.  At this time I was disgusted with myself and with him… and I wanted time away from him.  I knew I hired my friend to come with me for a month around Peru to be my translator and I was going to wait for him to arrive before I try to really talk to him about anything.  I tried it’s not like I didn’t try, but I didn’t think he was going to understand… and he wasn’t going to stop me from telling my friend what went down and that’s not going to go down for me anymore or anyone else I’m sharing ceremony with.  I knew at this time that whatever happens in ceremony is supposed to happen… I just didn’t know that these lessons had to hit in this manner, but I knew I had to process, integrate, and recontextualize a shit ton!  I still had nine more ceremonies after these… spread over five months.  And these were a fraction of three ceremonies of the eleven I shared in dieta.

So what have I processed, integrated, and recontextualized since then… well… if you’ve been reading my Journal you can start to see what’s changing.  When I was going through these moments I was embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty and judgmental.  Even though I had experienced passing through a threshold… didn’t meant I understood what that meant… I just knew I was changed but I didn’t know how.  Firstly and most importantly is my consciousness.. I understand what consciousness is… not a vague idea or understanding of it… no it’s quite clear.  It is quite clear I was experiencing different degrees and even though it’s not quite accurate it was as if I was unconscious.  I was making decisions and interpretations at an unconscious state.  The collective was assisting in me to make unconscious decisions and behavior as well.  So in the past it was easy for me to look at my memories of my behaviors and thoughts and be embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty because I’d tell myself… why didn’t I know better?  Now it’s quite clear there’s no reason to be embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty because I honestly didn’t know better… I was unconscious and I’ve been conditioned unconsciously and these were the results.  Do I want to change anything that happened to me in the past… NO!  All of these led me to the moment I am now and I’m grateful I’m conscious of what I am now and I’m still excited for more experiences to come.  But did I learn that I assumed the collective around me was increasing their consciousness in the same way I am and at the degrees I am and at the pace that I am… Yes I assumed wrong… that has not been verified in my experience.  Many of the collective are still behaving and thinking in a nonconscious manner.  So I want to completely trust and surrender and maybe I’ll be able to do that to some extent… I don’t even want to say that… I want to completely surrender and trust, but for now I’ve got to see where people are first… it’s ok for me to have distance to feel the situation out first.  If I know there is something I want to work on.. i don’t need others to help me learn it… there is ways for me to learn it myself so I don’t have to put myself in situations for existence to teach me lessons in manners I don’t want to find myself in.  Granted I learned, but I’m sure I can have a more hand in how I learn.  Maybe it will continue to happen but I know it will decrease because I’m more conscious… and I want to be more deliberate with what I’m creating around myself.  I thought I need to have a hand on helping people I’m around, but I don’t need to have that hand everywhere.  Because I know existence is already helping everything out.  I can be more selective with my energy, time, and focus… and I no longer feel bad for saying or thinking that.  

When it comes to my sexual shadow… my mind has had a lot of conditioning that it needs to work out.  But again… I want to work it out with myself for now.  I’m going to learn how to integrate these insights and when I feel I’ve got a good hand in the integration I know I’ll feel more comfortable sharing ceremony again.  I don’t know if it will take a few days, a few weeks, a few more months, or a few more years… I don’t want to put a timeline on what I need to integrate.  I trust I’m intelligent enough to figure it out.

I went over to the gentleman who is interested in sharing ceremony and we had a great conversation, just like we’ve done the last time.  With me involved with the Journal is quite easy for me to talk about what I’ve been learning lately… and of course sexuality came into play.  I won’t go into details of our conversation because I didn’t get his consent to discuss our conversations publicly, but I feel comfortable with what my feelings were in our conversation.  I was glad that I did’t have any hesitation to discuss what I’m going through and where I am right now.  It did make me a little uncomfortable whenI said I’m mostly autosexual but I’m open to whatever the experience leads.  I felt when I said that last part it was giving a window of opportunity which I really don’t want to give right now.  So I think I’ll just say I’m autosexual and leave it as that.  I don’t think others need to know that I might be interested in mutual play…. I feel that’s will be only in a very very very very small selective group… lol… and I won’t be able to assume upon meeting them if they would be candidates or not.  I found it interesting that he would not have expected my “struggle” with sexuality and had admitted another lady in her mid-forties was expressing similar thoughts as mine.  I told him… people aren’t having the same views on sexuality like it’s a given.  I was curious to see if he could teach me something, but I don’t want to make that decision yet… if I had to then I’d say no.  Maybe after I get to know him more maybe… but honestly I feel like I want to share ceremony with him too… because I’m picking things up during engagements with people that I don’t always comprehend as clearly when I’m in ceremony there is clarity.  I was about to go into detail of my doubts but I don’t think it’s necessary to express… I can say I’m doubtful and I know why.  Like I told him I went through the careless point of having sex with anyone at anytime for any reason.  I’m not desperate anymore.  It would be a very specific learning moment only after I’ve given myself to be autosexual first.  I haven’t even explored that yet… well not consciously… so I want to give myself time for that.  I do have to mention that he brought up they he was put in the friend-zone for the first time… in which I busted out laughing because I’m trying to figure out how to popularize friend-zone… lol… I do think we would get benefits for sharing ceremony together.  He’s a psychonaut and they’re usually very interesting and deeper ceremonies.  But yeah maybe the setting isn’t going to be alone at one of each other’s houses… we were thinking about going hiking… maybe out in nature might be a better setup and it doesn’t have to be late… it could be in the late morning or afternoon… sometimes it’s hard not to appreciate nature and receive it’s blessings when we share ceremony in their space.  There’s a good friend of his who wants to do ceremony too… along with his wife… maybe I can send an invite for everyone to join in on the hiking… I can have my setup ready but I don’t have to pull it out unless I think the timing is right.  Working with psychonauts usually they like to go in solo… so it’s already a challenge to have me be there in ceremony with them… so maybe that won’t work, but maybe there are options I haven’t thought of yet.  I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this… I’m sure I have… but I’m not a dealer, right… so I don’t just give away my supplies and say ok here you go have at it… if that’s the case they can go somewhere else than myself, right.  I’m not going to stop them… but if they want to have an experience with me I’ve learned how to prepare… of course I’m always looking on ways to improve and mostly screening better the participants I share with… lol… I’d love to share with everyone but honestly not everyone is ready. I’m still processing and integrating so i don’t feel I’m ready now either.  And i’m ok with that… I know a part of me misses it and wants to see how it’s going to change because I know it’s changing… I’m changing.  I’m enjoying the changes.

I gues I wanted to mention something I’ve been thinking about.  Now I feel like I should be more conscious with what I tell people… I realize I have an affect, and I want to be more conscious on how I’m affecting people.  I know I’m not taking words at face value anymore… I might be swinging my pendulum a little too far, but I’m asking more clarifying questions instead of assuming.  I’m still getting used to asking these questions but I’m getting better.  But when they go to clarify my questions I’m weighing out their thought process… if they are clearly listening to themselves and trusting to go with their instincts I’m more likely going to encourage them to continue.  If they seem more on the lost side, then I’ll give guidance but still ultimately empowering them that they are the ones who can find the answers for themselves.  I’m not sure if that’s a strategy to keep pursuing though because if they are lost… they don’t trust themselves so maybe I can give them a few options of my opinion and then see what they do with that.  Many people want to hear opinions, but to actually put them into action is something completely different.  If they are not ready to apply themselves… then just be with them and support them without having to give solutions at times.  Many times I just need someone to listen which helps me process… I can be that for others too.  But this whole sexual exploration has got me to look at possibilities of how I would like to teach my children.  I mentioned I went from monogamy, to polyamory, to celibacy, to autosexuality.  And id’ like to help guide my children in the opposite way, right… of course I don’t know what that looks like but in theory I’d like for them to start off with autosexuality and celibacy… get them to know how to satisfy themselves and get them on the road to get to know what they are interested in in their life.  Once they want to have experiences they want to share with others… suggest polyamory.. but more of mutual masturbation primarily with different partners they are sexually interested in.  Maybe at this stage they can engage in intercourse, but maybe they’ll have more understanding in themselves and what they like in their partners that intercourse can be when they are ready for a monogamous relationship.  Yeah this might sound like a fairytale, but I could think this as a good start into parenting sexuality.  Even if I get the opportunity to help someone who already is developing their sexuality and I happen to be someone they trust for advice… I feel I could give them some direction once I know what they are wanting to gain for themselves.  I know I have a lot more to learn and experience, but I have a diverse background in this area to at least give a few nuggets that might help… lol

Alright… that feels good for tonight.  Until next time…

[withinUverse]

Ok… well today I continued my napping… lol… even my dad asked me if I feel alright.. i said yes but I just feel tired… so I slept…lol… now that I’ve gotten rid of many things I’m back to organizing them… lol… I’d like to get the studio organized for my dad… I’d like for him to know where I’m storing things so he doesn’t have to ask… he can just grab and go.  He’s already thinking about changing up his bedroom again.  He still wants to be able to have. A hot tub and sleep in the space and he’s lifting everything up.  I think he’s going to do a loft style bed instead of having to lift up the flooring and removing his bed.  He said he wants to use my space as a changing room/ closet so that’s nice to know.  I can start hopefully clearing out his clothes in the closet that he never uses.  They’ve been sitting in there unused for I don’t know how many years… I’ve mentioned to him maybe we can go through it… but of course it’s not the most fun thing to do, but I think I can work it out with him.  We’ve had some rainy days the last few days which is hopeful.  I’d like to clean and organize the kitchen soon.  He’s been trying to hook the water through the water heater and run new lines to the bathroom to get that a little more easy to use.  I’m going to see if he’s ready to talk to the water company.  There’s been this leak going on for over 10 years now and they’ve shut off the main valve.  I think he’s going to worry about digging up his back yard because of his trees… but I figure it he can do it now before he adds more would be best…. But I’ll see what he’s thinking.  I’d rather have it as easy as it can be for him.  But he can be set in his ways… so we’ll see

 

I’ve been thinking a little more about attending church with my grandma.  lol… I don’t mind attending church with people but it’s been awhile since I’ve actually been able to hear service and it’s been interesting listen to them.  First of all I did like them having several ministers speaking and they all have their own interpretation on the subjects they are focusing on.  Even if they had slightly different views it’s nice to have the variety and also nice to know that the congregation should infer if their leaders have various views then they can as well.  The last time there was a younger man who led the service and I hadn’t heard him speak before.  I’ve seen him play the piano and I really enjoy his family… his wife, his daughter, and his son.  I actually talked to the daughter most.  How people treat her sometimes… she likes to talk with people and of course everyone is trying to hush her up or at least make sure she knows she’s supposed to be quiet during service.  As far as I can see she is extremely bright.  I think it’s obvious to her that she’s going to be respectful during service but before and after she likes to socialize.  The last time we spoke we found out we are both learning Spanish and so we were practicing together.  I feel she knows more than I do… and again it’s less stressful learning with children.  Lol.. my grandma hushes me too every time we enter the building.  It’s funny to me… because I’m just literally talking normal and I’m just having conversation with her as we are nearing the front door.  I open that door and finishing a sentence and there comes the hushing.  It doesn’t enter into the church… there’s a hallway… and even a vestibule/ sitting area to enter before the chapel.  It’s just funny, but anyway… the topic he was talking about was doubt.  It was a continuation I guess from their service for Easter last week.  He leads the youth and he likes to teach in threes so it’s easy to remember and it was… lol… he wanted to focus on that we all have doubt, we all need faith, and we need to have a system when we find ourselves in doubt.  

Instead of going over his beliefs I want to see what I had gained from being involved with listening to his words.  We all have doubt: yes I’ve had doubt, but I also feel that this doubt doesn’t always have to be present.  I feel like most of my work is to overcome my fears and doubts and I’ve been making great strides to understand this.  I recall different spiritual leaders I have observed and there is something I run into at times.  There was a women group in Peru that I attended their group and it was lovely and granted I didn’t understand it fully but I had friends helping me translate and a lot could be interpreted closely.  It types to what I wanted to discuss with this gentleman too.  They want people to accept they have doubt, fear, sadness, anger, and a feeling of loss.  I feel like they want people to understand that these feelings are common for the human collective… they don’t encourage someone to feel alone when they feel these things.  The women were tying it together by purging these feelings that might be stagnant in them.  They set up a little alter with natural elements to use as a symbol to clear or cleanse these fears, sadness, anger, or feeling of loss.  Many women were emotionally purging and expressing which was beautiful.  I was waiting to see what their next step was, but there wasn’t any… I ended up going to two of the leaders of the women’s group and I asked them if they anticipate a time in their lives that they won’t have to experience fear, sadness, anger, or loss?  They said it was impossible.  I asked maybe they haven’t experienced it yet, but does their spirituality give inspiration to eventually be able to live a life without those feelings?  They said no.  During this event I was observing but I didn’t feel like participating in the purging process because at that time I didn’t feel like purging anything.  It was my first and only time sharing this space with these women… and so I did feel bad for not participating.  But at that moment I didn’t know of anything to purge and so I was respectful to them but I didn’t want to create something to be sad about, or create something to be mad about , or create something to be fearful or, or create something to feel loss for when I didn’t feel like that in that moment… I guess I wasn’t ready to process things I went through during some of my ceremonies at that time, but honestly none of those feelings came up.  I was more into observing and also curious to what their leaders were wanting to teach.  When it came to this minister he had made a comment that if you  are someone who doesn’t think you have doubt then that’s more of a concern then admitting you have doubt.  And yes I can agree to this to some degree.  But there can be a different state that might seem like they are behaving in the same manner, but there reasoning may be different.  Right if someone is not aware they are experiencing doubt and they are just trying to pressure themselves to ignore the doubt they might feel could be one way… They may experience doubt but deny it to themselves and others because they don’t want to admit this happens to them.  I’ve been there.  I’ve also been in the place where I know I have doubts and instead of expressing them… I would hold them in a let them fester inside without really knowing what I should do with these doubts.  I also have found that festering inside was not helping me but learning how to purge and process these doubts as more beneficial.  The purging is releasing what could be said as the toxicity is was creating sitting inside.  But the processing is just as important then the purging.  Again this is what I try to explain in ceremony with my guests.  I tell them this is a purging ceremony… we’re going to work together and try to release and purge whatever we can and as much as we can.  It will be as if we start you back as a clean slate.  But what we choose to do from this point forward will determine what comes back in and how quickly.  So that’s where the processing or integration comes into play.  This is where the real work begins.  I speak with them and I mention a few areas in their life they admitted needs work and desires to be changed.  I’ll let them know… so these specific areas you will have to figure out a way to approach differently then what you remember, because what you remember will keep you playing out the same story over and over again.  If you keep doing this then we’ll just fill ourselves back up with the toxicity that we just got rid of.  But I told them… they can find their own ways to clear this out of their systems.  I’ve learned how to clear my system out.  I don’t remember all the time to do this and so ceremony has to remind me… hey there… you’ve been paying too much attention to others you aren’t noticing your own energy is being diluted with toxicity that doesn’t need to be there…. So we’re going to have you focus on yourself right now.  I’m usually very grateful because I realize I have blind spots and it’s a new process for me so I’ll forget, but to have gentle reminders is good and I’m grateful.  Let’s continue… but can I intuit that I’m working my way to not experience doubt anymore.  Honestly yes… I’m already experiencing that my judgements on myself, others, and existence was out of a place of being like unconscious.  I’m realizing that I was conditioned to judge myself, others, and existence by a like unconscious society.  But I’m already understanding that I don’t want to judge myself anymore and I can see that this will be the state I’m going to live.  The more I live in this state the more I will not want to judge others or existence.  Existence is something I cannot explain… it’s ultimate consciousness which knows the overall goal of elevating universal consciousness but it can weave miracles in and around the universe to create this and depending on our level of consciousness we’ll judge it or be in awe of it.  I’m in awe of existence.  I’m learning to trust existence completely and learning to trust myself completely that I truly can intuit and work towards a state of no doubt.  I see this state as different then the first state of no doubt… the first state of no doubt was actually a mask pretending that doubt did not exist.  If someone isn’t working themselves to the latter state of no doubt, then people who are working on this state… they will assume it’s impossible or not understand us who want to obtain this state for ourselves.  

This is a good way to lead into the next topic he wanted to address was we all need faith.  He had a good reasoning behind his statements… he said that we live on faith all the time.  We have faith that the sun is going to come up and go down.  Lol… he spoke about his trusty coffee maker he has faith in to work for him every morning.  But he said he knows many skeptics who literally live in fear that the sun will not rise again.  And they can be at this state because they don’t have faith.  He also mentioned how one morning his trusty coffee maker died one morning but instead of losing his faith, he went and purchased almost the exact same model to replace it.  He continued to recall tidbits of the resurrection of Jesus which was being discussed because of Easter.  He said that hearing about these events he could understand people can have doubts that Jesus died and was able to resurrect himself three days later.  He said he’s never seen anyone else do this so it can cause him to have doubt that this could or did happen.  He said he lives his life with faith and using his belief systems trusts that this event did happen.  Using his system he creates to help him in moments of doubt.  I’ll get back to this in a little bit, but right now I’d like to explore the word faith and direct experience.  Maybe I feel like there needs to be a distinction made.  Obviously if we are students of Leo… he’s been able to communicate in a much larger capacity to this then I am and how much I want to go into it now.  But I didn’t really see his examples of faith as the best examples except this concept that Jesus died and resurrected.  That to me was his faith statement.  The sun rising is more of a direct experience that has been consistent enough to not unstable him from worrying that the sun will not rise the next day.  Again the coffee maker was also a direct experience which was consistent enough for him to rely on it to work until it didn’t, but he gained enough direct experience to not have this unstable his by going and purchasing a replacement.  Now what happens when the sun doesn’t return the next day?  Would we have enough direct experience to be able to stable ourselves to continue?  It’s hard to assume how I would respond, but again I am gaining so much trust in myself and existence that if that was to happen… I feel like I’m working my way to accept this event and continue to live without doubt because there’s reasons why existence has created this for me to experience.  I guess this goes back to just my studies of world religions and oversimplifying it greatly but to keep it brief and direct to what I’m trying to convey here is… there are individuals who have Awakened or became Enlightened to the fact that death does not exist.  Existence exists regardless if perceived as a physical or a nonphysical manner.  When we’ve had direct experience of this… if existence decides it’s time to remove the sun from the picture… this doesn’t mean death.  Death is not what we think it is until we have a direct experience of death as a continuation of existence in a different form.  So technically it may cause death to this shared perceived physical world but it’s not the end of it all.  There is no end… existence will continue to exist.  We intuit these spiritual leaders have gone through direct experiences that have led them to live lives that seem god-like because it’s so different from what we experience on the day to day with other people maybe.  I’ve spoken to people… family members even, who look at Jesus as god-like and completely give up their chance to live like Jesus… he’s too grand and special… they are not worthy of obtaining these qualities for themselves.  I’m not a Christian but I tell them… I want to live like Jesus… I want to have direct experiences of being like Jesus, but in my own way.  Not only are they comfortable with me not being Christian, but the nerve to think I am worthy to be on equal grounds as Jesus is just insane.  They pray for me.  I’ve spoken to people who are inspired by the Buddha… I like their approach as well, because with Buddha they seem his as a human… they want to follow his teachings because with his techniques they know they will be on equal grounds of the Buddha.  I know some realize this but maybe some do not… Jesus and the Buddha did not have teachers correct?  Well they might have had teachers but they didn’t follow blindly… they really created something unique to their way of learning and gaining understanding of higher spiritual teachings.  They didn’t have books telling them what to do.  How is this possible?  How could they possibly obtain higher wisdom without others telling them what to do and how to think?  How could they create certainty in themselves they were doing the right thing to lead them the right way to get to where people can only imagine to obtain?  And because we imagine we really don’t know unless…. We found our own way to understand.  And that’s what i have to say from here… I don’t know how they did it.  But I know I found a way for myself.  Everything becomes my teachers… I realized existence is my teacher… which includes everything… which includes myself.  I was able to gain an understanding where what I experience I can listen to myself to help guide me at the state and time of my understanding.  For me I had to go through a series of experiences to learn what I could and then continue to learn more.  I don’t need faith to guide me any longer because I’ve had a direct experience that existence is infinite.  As infinity I had a choice to continue experiencing in this physical manner or not.  I chose to continue and I enjoy experiencing… what else can I do with my time… lol… if I only exist… I have time to direct my focus here.  Faith is not the only way to live… there are larger existential questions that can be directly experienced so faith transforms to knowing or being.  Actually I’m definitely ok in saying I don’t know… Again I am choosing to learn not to know.  When I experienced infinity excites me because I love to learn and I know i won’t stop in my learning… that’s amazing for me and very satisfying.  And instead of what I once thought I wanted to learn everything… I‘ve changed to wanting to dive deeper into my interests.  Yes I know when I get introduced to new areas this will help inspire me to gain deeper depths in things I’ve been learning for years.  I can reason out that my entire existence is to get to know myself… and even with an infinite existence it’s never final in my learning… that’s quite remarkable.

I want to keep my thoughts flowing and finish my thoughts of the ministers topics.  His final topic was to create a system to help when in doubt.  He mentioned his community referring to the church, and also the teachings of people who are more experienced than himself.  I think at this point he had mentioned a book “The Speed of Trust” by Stephen Covey.  I had read this book and found it helpful at the time I read it… I could see how much I was overworking and doublechecking my coworkers at the time, because I didn’t have much trust in their abilities.  I knew my father was the one person I trusted to most… and when we work together how easier it was for me and how much faster it was because I trusted him.  I can’t remember everything… it’s been awhile and that insight helped guide me to build relationships differently than what I was doing at the time.  But I did laugh… I’m trying to remember what his insight was out of the book… but it was different than my insight.  And that makes sense… we are interpreting words differently than others and that’s a good thing.  We can have communities and teachers to help us in doubt… but ultimately we have to trust ourselves.  I also was laughing to myself because he said when reality kicks you hard and you lose your sense of direction and filled with doubt… if you were to do it on your own… it would be traumatic.  That was a good description of how I felt when I went through my last three ceremonies by myself.  They were so mind blowing to me at the time that I tried to reach out to the communities that I thought was going to help support me through the process… There were fellow Aya spiritualists that I tried to speak with who were saying I’m crazy.  I went to the three most influential men in my life who also said I was crazy… i spoke to non Aya friends who know me quite well who were also implying I’m crazy but in a sweet way… lol… I knew I wasn’t crazy but I also knew what I was saying could sound crazy to anyone else because they didn’t experience what I did.  So I knew… there was no one to turn to… I only had myself and at the time… I was trying to find a sanctuary to isolate myself so I can process and integrate… I didn’t know where to go at first.  I thought an ashram but I didn’t have the money to go.  I thought there was an opportunity to rent a hut outside of Machu Picchu from a friend of a friend which didn’t fall through.  It started getting close to summer and my routine was telling me… I ran out of time.. it’s time to work so go back to the mountains to work… but i knew working was what I needed… I needed a sanctuary.  I even tried to just relax like a retiree there… I went camping with my buddy and we did a roadtrip together… but I wasn’t getting the alone time I needed.  I tried to work and I knew it wasn’t going to work and even though it was fun for a second I quickly became irritable because I knew I was ignoring my need for solitude.  At last I thought I could go back to my dad’s place.  Again that wasn’t an option because I thought the hoarding was going to be too much for me to handle… but it doesn’t take me long to get things done…. So clearing out a space to have a bedroom and a studio space wasn’t hard… but again I forgot how autonomous I was with my dad.  My dad has always allowed freedom and patience and love for me.  He doesn’t have to understand my spirituality… but he loves me and he knew I needed this time and space to hermit.  It was exactly what I needed and it surprises me that it took me so long to think of it… lol… so again… I did have to find a community… a community that I had used in over 20 years.  But being in this town there is a sense of comfort and safety that I can say I don’t find anywhere else… at least right now.  I was still in deep in my conditioning in a less conscious way.  But I felt I could really let my hair down here and again my dad’s approach to life and parenting has really helped me develop my style in a more authentic manner.  If I needed this time… he will give me this time.  I don’t ask for much so I’m not going to deplete him of his resources.  I hope he feels I give him value in my company.  I guess in a way I worked myself into a way of finding guidance in teachers who are more experienced than myself… I found myself on the forum… lol.. and the first few messages I was getting from Leo… not that they were directed at me… but again I can use words to get more own direction… he is an amazing trigger for me to look deeper in myself to find my own answers.  It was great he said no one on the forum is Awakened… and right away I was damn it… well maybe I’m not.  But he knows he can’t tell us if we are or not… we have to know it for ourselves.  Lol… believe me when I went through those ceremonies of Awakening I wanted to celebrate… finally holy shit.. I’ve done the work and I’ve finally got here… I want to celebrate but when I told anyone of my communities… that added to them thinking i was crazy… lol… so there was no one to celebrate with… but I still hadn’t integrate what the difference was in this transformation… and using the Journal on this Forum has been a blessing to help me realize how differently I’m interacting with my mind… it’s been fascinating.  I’m trying to give a picture through this Journal but the reality of it is unexplainable.  Although that won’t stop me from trying.. lol.. I knew from my first attempt to write my first entry that I had awakened… I went through a very spiritual purification connecting deeply with myself and the music and everything came together and I knew I had awakened.  I knew that I’m going to transform myself to become abundant and allow attraction in… but when I went to post… it all erased.  At first i was shocked and was like why?  Well… I needed to use this process to better explain it to myself and to anyone else who might be interested in these things… lol.  Again I don’t know all the details that are coming up in my life, but I’m certain the more clarity I have the easier it will be to continue.  I love challenges, but I’m looking for more ease too.  Ok… I think it’s a good time to break… but because of my nap… I’m still ready to move forward in my learning.  

[withinUverse]

Ok.. before I move on from the last topic I didn’t mention that I did get a chance to briefly talk to the minister after service.  I felt like I did when I was talking to the ladies after their session in Peru… I wanted to talk to him but everyone likes to give each other hand shakes and say hello.  So there’s a little social time.  He made his way around and I did over hear a little bit of the conversation of a man to the minister… something about the coffee pot.. he had something similar that happened to him… I was chuckling a little to myself but I didn’t pry too much.  I was making my way around and found myself sitting and observing.  I feel comfortable in that position most of the time… lol… he made his way to me and we shook hands and I said I enjoyed his service.  I told him I visit several churches while I travel… it’s actually nice to visit a service who speak in English.  I get a better idea of what the conversation is.  He laughed… well maybe soon our services will be in Swahili soon… In the last year they grew their congregation to double their size from immigrants from Africa… many many children… many of the adults do not know English well.. and the children are learning quickly because of school.  We agreed we love to learn new languages so he’s up for the challenge if that’s what needs to happen.  He’s a modest man… and he wants to get to know me more… this is my third time in service.  He asked… I don’t remember.. what do you do for work?  I told him I’m not working right now.  I told him I was traveling around Peru for 8 months last year.. and I’ve got a lot to process so I’m still processing what I experienced.  I said actually… I found it interesting in your service when talking about Jesus’s death and resurrection… I had a similar experience in my spiritual practices which is why I need time to process.  He said oh… that’s interesting.  He asked if I speak Spanish.  I said I’m learning… in fact I enjoyed having a Spanish conversation with your daughter last time.  He said yes both of his kids are learning quickly.  That’s when another lady joined our conversation.  She said your daughter is just too intelligent for her own good… I laughed… I said she’s not too intelligent… she’s perfect!  She realized what she said and she said… yes that’s true… it’s not a bad thing she’s so intelligent… she just needs to adjust herself on the idea of how intelligent children are.  We all chuckled and by this time my grandma was ready to leave… So I said it was nice to see everyone again… until next time.  And maybe I’ll have more time to have a conversation.  Again… he’s a young minister and I enjoy how he approaches his service and they have him leading the children in their congregation… and his children are brilliant young lights… so he’s going to be a leader here.  I’d like to get to know him more and see if we can find a way to teach each other even if we have different approaches… we’re spiritual workers… so we’ll be able to find ways to communicate and understand and learn from each other.  If it happens to continue in that direction or not.  

My little buddy and I are more lovey dovey lately… He goes through different swings in his mood… he had a few days where he was wanting to be by himself… and today and yesterday… he’s been laying on me and wanting me to love on him more… I try different things to see if I can put him in situations where he won’t feel like he wants to run away… that he’ll just stick with me and allow me to love on him.  So he was on lying his front paws and his head on my abdomen area… and he was purring and loving on it.  And then I thought maybe I can pull the covers over us.  Again normally he would instantly get up and get out from under the covers.  This time… he was too relaxed and unconcerned that he allowed me to continue petting him while he payed there.  I used my other hand to hold the covers up so it wasn’t wrapping around his body.  After a while I did drop the hand but tried to create a little gap around his head… he let it continue a little longer but then he got up to get out from under the covers.  I’m just trying to get him to trust me more… and have him enjoy me loving on him… even if I might have things he’s not used to liking… but I try a little here and there… and it’s good to see a positive progress.  Small moments of improvement is rewarding with me and my little guy.  Yes he’s trusting more, but he also sees that when he’s ready to get out.. I won’t stop him… so again building trust.

Hmmm… I want to jump back to the spiritual worker.  I’ve been trying to find a way to let people know what I do with my time… lol… I’ve tried to say I follow where my spirituality leads… maybe spiritual worker might work… or just being spiritual.  Lol… I don’t see I have to do something specific that is separate from what I do… I’m continually deepening my spirituality.  But many people assume I mean I’m religious and I’m a Christian… lol.. that’s just where my environment seems to be drawn towards.  Can i just say I’m learning myself more…. Lol… I’m learning my relationship with existence deeper.  That’s what I do… The activities I participate in I’m learning to enjoy and appreciate having this opportunity but I do find that I try to process what these activities I’m learning about my relationship to existence.  I know most people ask what do I do… most people want to know how I make money…. Lol.. I’m reminded of a previous conversation with a gentleman at an art party… lol.  It was the first time we had met and he asked me what do I do… I was a little sassy at that moment so I asked… what are you really asking?  Are you asking what inspires me to live or what activities do I participate in to make money?  My spirituality inspires me to live life and I find myself in ceremonies in the jungle to get guidance on how to continue to inspire me to live authentically and freely.  When it comes to making money… I do anything that happens to come into my existence when I need to make money to find ways to find more inspiration for my spirituality… lol.  He didn’t know how to respond.  I assume that he’s already been informed by the other guests that I use Aya… and they assume I’m a woo-woo idealist… who has no understanding of the real world which is full of suffering and hate.  I know what I put myself in when I go to these gatherings.  In fact when I first started going I didn’t realize this was the case.  They advertise it as an art group and they call it a no woe group.  So I took it as face value… I found amazing, creative, and brilliant individuals.  I love hearing about their passions.  What I didn’t know is that they like to get together and drink and smoke so by the end of the night most of their conversation is complaining about how much life sucks.  Well at first I’m sitting there trying to convince them… the world does not suck… life is great.. and so they will tell all the stories and situations where life is not great.. and why it sucks.  I’d sit there and try to give my stories and situations where it doesn’t suck.  At this time I didn’t know I was able to lose my energy engaging in situations like this.  First of all… it was like one versus let’s say ten.  I as the newcomer did not have the same ideas that they did… so they all had to convince me that I was wrong and that I should understand their group think.  I continued to go at first because they were very interesting people… but I continued to feel drained when I left.  I even asked another of my girlfriends to join me and I warned her and she didn’t understand until again near the end of the night and this happens every time… they all get into that mode of complaining.  She said oh my goodness… that is draining.   I apologized to her but I was thinking i was exaggerating… I guess i wanted to confirm from someone else that I wasn’t crazy… lol… well I stopped going to the group gatherings.  Now there were a few that I was able to hangout with without the group and our engagements didn’t get to that point.  They were enjoyable.  I went to one of the gatherings earlier this year… I was curious to see if anything is different.  Of course I was hopeful, but unfortunately that wasn’t the case.  They still liked to gather and complain… but they’re fun and charismatic too so they don’t make it obvious… they are very slick… it’s kind of fun to see how they have conversations with people they might not be facing.  It seems like they’re having a one on one conversation… but there conversation is for the whole group to hear.  So I have adapted to their style of subtlety.  I know it makes people uncomfortable that I don’t find it satisfying grinding a job I don’t enjoy.  Many people are grinding in this manner so when they hear someone who chooses not to be a part of the grind… it pisses them off.  That’s what they like to complain about… well shit… she’s not part of the grind and so she doesn’t want to sit here and bitch with us… well that’s not along the story i continue to tell myself… I can’t keep saying I have to grind and complain… I can see she doesn’t want to do that… but because I haven’t experienced anything different than I’m going to accuse her that she really can’t overcome this.  They haven’t been able to… so no one else can do it.  Now honestly I had to work out of the grind, right.  I’ve definitely been in that cycle of grinding and complaining.  I just couldn’t live with myself with the constant complaining without making changes.  I reached a spot where I was just grinding for only half the year… lol… So when I found the little mountain village where tourist season was around 5-6 months… I found that opportunity to travel after the season.  I started with one month, then two months, then four months, and finally then eight months.  There it was… I was attempting to just be inspired to live life.  I didn’t know where it would lead or how long it would be… I just wanted to get a taste of how that feels like.  My conditioning stumble through so I tried a few positions to make money when I returned, but again obvious it was not what was right for me… like I’ve said I needed time for isolation to understand the transformation I went through… am going through.  I’m back here in my unsuspecting sanctuary… but why here?  Not only is it a sanctuary, but this is where many of my conditioning was caged too.  I know it’s helping me heal… by giving me time to focus my attention on the changes I have, but I also need to uncreate the conditions placed upon me unconsciously… so I have to unravel this.  And this cage can become comfortable especially since change is unknown… but I know I’m working my way to break free from this cage.  This is making me feel about my personal journal I was writing in my isolation.  I was comparing this experience as the metamorphosis from a caterpillar to a butterfly.  I’ll look at this again. 

So most of my life I was this caterpillar.  My vision was limited and it was an effort to look around from one direction to another… but mostly I walked in a straight line… at times I would decide to walk in a new direction but it was in a straight line but it was a different path.  When I found myself in ceremony in my mind it’s like I didn’t know but existence told me it’s time to go into my chrysalis.  I didn’t know what was going to happen and I didn’t really know why it was time, but even in ceremony I had visions of being in my chrysalis.  I had visions of even shedding my old skins like a snake.  Both applied to my understanding… I was outgrowing my old self and becoming a new version of me.  I had several occasions where I found myself still in the chrysalis… I even thought… when am I going to be a butterfly?  Well… it took me four years inside that chrysalis… my caterpillar self has to literally die before I could transform into the butterfly.  That’s what I experienced in a sense during my ceremonies of the Awakening.  But I found out that I just don’t automatically know how to be a butterfly though.  This is something I haven’t experienced yet.. so how do I continue when all I remember is being a caterpillar?  I knew that my stage of the metamorphosis I was in… is the butterfly trying to escape the chrysalis… this barrier I created to protect myself when i was a caterpillar.  It wasn’t created to stop me, but the process of breaking though I need to get strength in my new body of awareness to escape from my past protection.  I don’t need that protection anymore.  As I’m in this chrysalis it’s not as easy to break through as I might have one thought.  I could even admit that it would be nice if someone outside my chrysalis could see me struggling inside trying to escape.  Can someone help me escape?  Well again if anyone other then the butterfly interferes with the escape… the butterfly didn’t build enough strength to survive after the assistance.  So no… no one else can assist me really… I have to build my strength to escape my past myself… I’m still in this chrysalis but I’m getting visions or my imagination is increases to degrees of what a life like a butterfly could mean.  It’s very powerful so it’s like I can almost taste it… but I know I cannot rush this process.  What does it feel like having a broad range of perspective?  A higher perspective compared to the ground perspective?  How will time work?  I’ll be able to flutter from one position to another in a much greater speed compared to when I was crawling around like a caterpillar.  Even though I’m gaining the strength to escape the chrysalis, but how do I fly?  Can I assume that I won’t naturally know how to fly?  Will there be a struggle to learn that?  Will the struggle be worth it?  Maybe the struggle will be overcome by then?  Maybe it will be easy and effortless?  Easy and effortless sounds like what I want to create as a butterfly.

Easy and effortlessly… yes that’s what I want to create.  I’ve been entertaining this affirmation for a few years now.  I went from impossible, to hard, to challenging, to get’s easier… it’s time for easy and effortlessly.  I recognize that challenges I’ve faced wasn’t as difficult as I once thought it was.  And when I’m honest… it was easy when I put my attention and time into it.  I did have to use effort… but that was because I didn’t trust myself or existence to the degree I understand now.  I’m confident that my decisions will be the best I can do at that moment and i will continue to learn and this will continue to create a reality I want to create.  I know this approach is new and so my creations will continue to mature as I mature.  Easy and effortlessly… I’m ready to upgrade and program my system.

yeah this is a good time for a break.  My body wants a little more attention tonight… lol.. been doing the massage and I did it when I woke up…my body is worth the attention… lol… alright until next time.     

[withinUverse]

Alright… today was pretty productive.  I got the studio organized for my pops… He definitely is not going to work with the water company… lol… I guess he was talking with them two years ago.  The ten year thing was the first leak and he got it fixed, but it started leaking again and he turned the main off and the water company was upset with him for doing that.  They wanted him to leave it and they would turn it off.  Because my dad turned it off they charged him a penalty so… he’s not ready to work with them still.  I told him it be a whole lot easier to having running water… lol… but he’s making that call.  Got a good start on the kitchen too.  I feel like I don’t have a chance to share ceremony with my pops right now, so I can help him purge in other ways to set him up for success or at least comfort… at least an easier opportunity for him.  I think he sees the benefits of having space and having things organized.  It won’t take too long to get things setup nicely for him.  I’m so appreciative of who he’s been for me and how he’s taught me… we’ve got a lot more experiences yet and I’m excited.  I’m so grateful to have him as my pops.

So yesterday I was messaging the guy who might be sharing ceremony with me.  We were thanking each other for the great conversation.  While I was at it I asked permission to discuss what we talked about and he said I’m more than welcome to.  He was curious at which parts and I listed some but I told him about my Journal… sometimes I just like to just go with it so I might talk about more then what I listed… and he was fine with it.  So again… it’s nice to process conversations and situations.  We attracted each other to have a conversation so we’re helping each other learn something.  So he likes to ask questions and get my opinion on it.  He said he was talking to some guys who have similar situations during trips and wanted my thoughts about it.  He said they’ve all shared having a feminine entity who comes into their experience and they seem to be the calming and nurturing mother type.  With his particular experience he was nervous and this female comes out of a yellow grid pattern and was telling him to relax… there’s nothing to worry about.  He said he calmed down but seemed to be lying down and he could see her next to him but then he saw three alien-like figures approach and he said they were upgrading his mind.  He said he wasn’t anxious because he trusted her which led to trusting the three figures.  He wanted to know if I had alien experiences similar to that.  I said I have not directly encountered an alien before, but this universe is full of possibilities so I’m open to it.  I know others that have experienced them and I also have a lot of males who mention a feminine figure in ceremonies.  I asked him a question… where are you right now… do you think you are able to calm and upgrade yourself?  Or are you at a point that looks for someone else to do this for you?  He admitted that he looks for someone else.  I don’t know if it’s true or not, but most of my ceremonies I feel like it’s myself who is helping me.  But I do seem to give acknowledgement to infinite intelligence but that’s not necessarily a figure.  So yeah most people assume shamans has spirits that appear to them.  I do not have this happen to me.  But what I was asking him… I wonder if he or other males don’t see themselves having a nurturing or motherly qualities in themselves.  It may be easier to visualize a feminine who fulfills this for them instead of seeing themselves in this role.  But he’s a father of three children with his youngest at age 16.  He’s’ told me a few stories and I know he has these qualities but maybe because of how we were raised it’s hard to embrace having feminine qualities since he’s male.  I obviously don’t know, but I wanted to give him a different perspective.  I didn’t mention this in our conversation, but I remember in my second Aya ceremony… in ceremony I thought I was being possessed by either Gaia, Mother Earth or Madre Aya.  At that moment I couldn’t imagine that I had the powerful qualities that I was experiencing.  Again I was hearing the shamans and I was able to feel how and where to send my energies… a few times I even had an idea of what the guests were working on.  There was one female and one male at different times was having issues with their physical appearance.  I remember sending my support to them… lol… I was telling them they are so beautiful… inside and out.. but it doesn’t matter what we say… they’ve got to find that for themselves.  But I was singing Icaros for the first time… I just was experiencing things that I never had before… so I assumed that I might be possessed.  But after several ceremonies… I continue to have these qualities… I understood that I just was getting glimpses of talents or gifts that I didn’t know existed but they were awakened to me in ceremony and I was able to recontextualize that I wasn’t possessed… that was me.  That’s my authentic self… I want to help, support, and send my love and energy to help assist in any way to support guests and whatever they are going through.  It’s similar… I didn’t have a figure of a woman showing me.. it was me doing it and that’s why I assumed possession… lol.  I guess I still feel comfortable saying infinite intelligence as it’s something other than me… but I still know I’m a part of this intelligence… so I’m not sure our relationship at this moment.  But I also feel like infinite intelligence is very personal to me in ceremony so I also see it as my higher self.  When I’m in ceremony… it’s as if it’s me helping myself and it’s just working at higher degrees than my current state.  I mentioned the dream where I thought maybe I met my first spirit guide, but again the qualities and features I noticed… again my result was that was still myself.  I’m not sure why we receive our own messages in different ways.  I said maybe when it comes to his aliens helping him upgrade… again he might not have considered how extremely intelligent and unusual and beyond human he is and what he’s capable of doing… that it’s easier to give credit to something he assumes has those qualities such as aliens…. I don’t know but it is interesting.  I know as I’m engaging in this Forum I’ve noticed that my communication wants to change to me inclusive instead of exclusive.  I realized when I was giving advise… that I was giving myself the same advise but in a deeper level.  Right we don’t actually ultimately know something… it continues to deepen in that knowing.  So if there are aliens… I want to be able to have us be at a point where we’re inclusive.  If they exist.. than they’ve already been in our universal existence.  They already have been involved with how we have already been living… even though they might now be seen all the time.  Right all the fish deep in the seas are still in our existence and is helping create this reality even though we don’t see them regularly.  Same as bacteria and microorganisms.  We are already part of this existence.  Lol… hell I’ve had guests tell me that I’m an alien… so I might find out that I’m already an alien.. and the things I’ve been learning could be called alien-like… so who knows… but it’s very interesting.  

He also asked me a question about my thoughts on star children, start people or indigos.  I told him I’ve heard of these labels, but what is his understanding.  He usually laughs a bit because I have him clarify or define the words he uses… he says it looks like you know what I’m saying but you want to hear more before you answer.  I will continue to tell him… my definition can vary from yours… so I want to make sure we’re talking about the same thing or something similar at least.  He was struggling a little on how to describe it, but what he got to was that there are people who aren’t from Earth that is helping people awaken.  He also mentioned that many start people usually has some type of educational deficiency when they were younger… maybe to put them on a hard road to overcome to be able to help others.  He said that school couldn’t keep his attention, but when he moved to another school and he didn’t know anyone… he was making straight A’s… but when he started socializing it went back to not having any attention for school.  Again I told him I don’t really have much direct experience with this.  I have met people who say they are star people and I’m respectful to their identities.  I mentioned I have had one vision… well honestly there’s been more then one… maybe a handful of times where I’ve seen figures that seemed to be shaped as human but their skin is full of galaxies and stars.  I chuckled because the last time I had a vision of a star person they noticed that I saw them and then hid from me… lol… For a few days I was getting images of faces from people from different races, genders, ages… and I didn’t know what it meant.  This would be the moments where I’m lying down to sleep and as I’m looking at the back of my eyelids… sometimes I get images or visions… sometimes its words or sometimes like a download as a sentence or two… plus it’s when I take the time to notice as well.  One of the images there was an older lady with a short bob and straight silver hair… she had an unusual arm movement that I could remember that action.  After thinking about it.. it seemed like she was pointing to me as if she recognized me… and I was thinking maybe there’s some action that I do that gets her to recognize me.. which makes her do this action and point to me.  When I saw this star person I saw the figure walking in a row of a field like soybean or something… some low cut plants, but I saw a barn in the background.  It seems like I was just hovering and observing them and then they looked up at me and noticed me looking…. And all of a sudden it drops to the ground and hides in the plants… lol… I got a download to find the teachers, even if they’re hiding… lol.. I also had an earlier download that said they maybe family, but that doesn’t mean you’ll agree… lol… This does not happen to me often… this was the first time when I was in isolation and I was trying to remember my dreams… I would literally hold a pencil in my hand on top of a notebook and when I’d get something I’d try to write it down…the next morning I’d have to go back and try to rewrite so it’s legible.  I don’t know if this is going to lead to anything… but I did get the feeling that there are Awakened ones out there too… and it seemed like I was getting images of them.. and I might go and look for them so I can learn from them… and maybe see if they’d like to collaborate.  I’m not sure but again… I find it interesting.  I didn’t tell this guy all these details but I told him of seeing this star person… so again… I’m open to have it be true for me in my reality.  But I also mentioned that I’m Awake and I didn’t have any troubles in school… lol.. I loved school so I said that we all have talents and gifts to share regardless of our backgrounds.  That also makes me want to comment on the whole Dali Lama thing going on… he has so much to share and teach but maybe he’s not the one to go to… to learn about sexuality… lol…. He doesn’t have much direct experience with different degrees of dealing with sex.  Just because he doesn’t know much about sexuality shouldn’t defame him and all he’s been able to create in our world.  I feel that’s why I’m so curious to meet more people who are Awake, but honestly they don’t even have to be Awake… but I love to learn… and I know there is so much I don’t know… I want to meet people who have been interested in other areas I haven’t been introduced to.  What would it be like for everyone to nurture their gifts, talents, and interests to their full potential individually.. but when they engage with someone else with different qualities.. I feel it will elevate because of the differences or another perspective… lol

So I was telling him I needed time to process and integrate… I mentioned I was doing this Journal.  I was telling him that I had a fear that I didn’t know was there when it came to sharing ceremony.  I went through these sexual experiences this last time that really made me uncomfortable to head right back into ceremony, because I didn’t want similar situations to come up and for me to respond the way I did.  I know if I can work it out and integrate… I’ll be able to respond in a manner that’s respectful for my guests and also myself.  So I went into the whole ceremonies and also the struggle of masturbation… so I want to be autosexual at this time.  He was chuckling at me because he said he would have never assumed that I would have any issues with that.  I told him… how can you tell whether someone has those types of issues?  I’m confident and I enjoy sexual banter and flirting… but that doesn’t stop my mind from creating a mental block to masturbate and orgasm naturally and freely.  I told him… I’m not a man, but I can assume that he has never had issues of masturbating and ejaculating.  In my mind I’d think once a young boy notices that stroking his penis is pleasurable… that they just continue to play until they ejaculate… and then that’s it… they’re on it and it’s easy.  Now with so many individuals that occupy this world I cannot say its easy for every male, but in general it may be fair to say that it’s fairly easy.  He said yes… he’s never had problems in these areas.  That’s when he mentioned the 45 year woman who was admitting something similar to the issues I am having.  I said I can’t speak for all women, but I know I’ve spoken to other women who have had issues too… so for us who have issues… it’s not easy to touch ourselves and result in orgasm.  In fact it was uncomfortable to find touching myself as something natural.  For me it was secretive and rushed as if I shouldn’t be doing it.  Also I wanted it to be natural for me… so I placing a mask over myself.  While we were talking I also thought there might be something that seems obvious to me, but maybe not obvious for men is the fact… they are the penetrators.  I said again I’m assuming and I’m not speaking from everyone’s opinion… but do men ever ask how it feels to be able to trust and surrender for someone to enter them?  Many men I know wants control… so I’d assume to trust and surrender would be a challenge for them.  Well that’s what I have to do to allow someone to have sex with me.  We were both laughing because… it’s not like I trust every male I just meet and I say ok… I’m ready to be penetrated now.  I was casual with sex but not for that long, because I needed a relationship to be built to make it comfortable enough to share sex.  I would even get curious of how penetration would feel like… again it’s not like it’s normal to penetrate myself but I would sometimes use my fingers to rub and circle their anus.  I wasn’t just going for it, but I want to observe if they feel comfortable with me just touching.  Sometimes I would mention if they would like me to try it and they said they prefer me not to.  Maybe if they allowed me they would get a sense of how it feels to be penetrated…lol… it may be pleasurable… at least let’s give it a try… lol.  I have penetrated myself and it’s pleasurable… some of my partners are really experienced and good… and I haven’t figured out what the difference is but the fact it’s someone else is involved with me.

He was telling me he was trying to approach his partners differently and that’s when he ran into being in the friend zone for the first time.  We didn’t discuss it but if he’s being open and honest with his potential partners then he’s having a conversation that he doesn’t want to only have sex with the women.  That’s the thing wherever we are at… we can find someone who’s at that same mindset if we’re open and honest about it.  So he wasn’t trying to have only sex with her… she has to tell him where she’s at as well… at least she has a chance to agree to this or not.  If she’s not looking for sex only too… then I can assume she wants to build a relationship.  I’m not sure exactly what happened between them, but it seemed like they had great conversations but he felt like she didn’t want to have a sexual side to their relationship… so he said he had to let her know it wasn’t working for him.  I laugh because… I’ve already friend-zoned him too.  Everyone starts at the friend-zone now… lol… I told him I’m literally trying to popularize the friend zone… if I’m going to engage in a sexual relationship… I want to know who the hell I’m dealing with… lol… and I want them to know who they’re dealing with too.  We’ve got to build a relationship because if it’s not based on sex then we have to know how to talk and engage in activities that we both find interesting… lol.. I told him about my style of Journaling… it can seem like it’s all over the place and can be assumed as chaotic… but eventually I assume people can glimpse the clarity of who I am through this style.  But if they read my Journal… they have to go through that experience.  I’m not a direct communicator in my Journal… so they have to work a little bit to get to understand me.  That’s what happens in an intimate relationship with me too.  If he doesn’t want to take time to get to know me… then it’s not going to be a fit.  I asked if there was anything about her that he didn’t like or found unappealing to him.  He laughed because it was just the fact he wasn’t having much sex with her.  Well you say you want to have different types of relationships but you’re expecting this relationship as the same as your past.  If it’s new… the results and the approach will have to change… lol… he said yes but he didn’t know it was going to be that much difference… lol… well… you know where you are and what you’re looking for.  You can continue to approach this new desire for a new type of relationship… then you’re going to have to open yourself up to a new ways of connecting.  He said he’s sick of having sex and just staring at the ceiling afterwards… lol… many of the women doesn’t have conversations he enjoys… or they didn’t establish a relationship to a point where they were uncertain what to do when they were finished having sex with each other.  I can use this advise that I gave him about having a new approach…. I’ve already been questioning my habits of thought when I go to masturbate… I’m trying a new approach but I don’t know if I know new techniques to try… hmmm…. I’ll have to see.  Shit are there pornography on how to masturbate… lol… maybe that’s an option.. lol.. i don’t know, but I’m curious.  I don’t think I’m at that point yet, but I could probably get there if I need to… lol… but I know it’s my mind… it was my conditioned mind that was stopping me… that’s where I have to put the focus on how to relax it enough… I know I will get there.

In many ways I’m trying to get the masculine and feminine to attract each other.  Again I’m a hopeful romantic and so I continue in different ways to close this distance that seems to been created in our society.  In my experience I’ve been trying to embrace both my femininity and masculinity… understand the balance that fits me.  I can generally speak about the women around my age is learning to embrace their masculinity too.  Some may even take it to extremes because it’s common for the pendulum to swing too far when they are making adjustments… but I see more of the youth more comfortable with expressing both their masculinity and femininity… which I feel is a good thing.  It’s when people put their judgements on what they think they should be doing and how they should be doing it does it create toxicity.  I know many people who complain about the youth, but the youth that I speak with… I’m hopeful… lol… not that they don’t have a lot to learn, but they’ve got great intelligence and I can find deeper conversations with the youth then I can with some of the elderly or my age.  Existence is continually increasing consciousness… and I can see it in my experiences.  But it’s not they’re turn to be in leadership roles right now… So if they are patient they won’t have to defend or question themselves as much.  I’d love for them to gain enough consciousness to trust their individuality… if that causes people to get triggered… good… there is something that needs to be addressed and worked through… lol… I’ve tried to stop triggering people but I guess that’s just how it works right now… I’m not trying to trigger anyone, but if it happens… there’s a lesson to be learned by the person who is being triggered.  I used to try to appease people’s feelings, but if that leads me to be untrue to my authenticity… then I’m going to be me and whatever happens happens.  I know I’ll continue to be a better communicator to even warn them that my response may trigger you or rub you the wrong way… but that’s not my intention.  My intention is to be true to me and respect you… and if it happens to differ then we can continue the conversation without shutting down or creating walls.  Lol… I’m not sure who I hear this from, but I believe it’s one of the tarot readers say… rejection is your protection…lol… if there is a wall that goes up… then that’s a good time to go in a new direction.  Doesn’t mean it’s always going to be that way, but for now that is the case…lol  

So I’m supposed to be meeting with the other gentleman who wants to share ceremony with me.  I’m hoping his wife will be there too.  She was there when we met in person the first time.  He and I have been texting since briefly but I thought it beneficial to have them both involved.  I’ve been checking up on them on social media and it looks like he’s doing really well.  I’m excited and curious how our conversation will go.  I’m sure I’ll be talking about this Journal… lol.. so I’ll remember to ask permission to discuss our conversation before I head out.  But yeah this seems like a good stopping point.

[withinUverse]

Alright… so most of my day was tackling the kitchen… lol… I got most of it done.  If I feel like it tomorrow…. I think I’ll be able to finish it up.  It’s funny because I find things my dads placed somewhere… I think this doesn’t need to be in the kitchen and so I take it into the studio area which I just organized, but now I have more things to figure out where they go.  I keep reminding my dad that he’ll have to participate in this one day.  I want to know what’s comfortable for him… where he feels he wants his tools and such which makes sense to him.  I told him I’m doing my type of ceremony for him… purging out some of his things and cleaning it up so he has the opportunity to either enjoy the organization and likes knowing where things are or he’ll be in habits and it’ll just start looking like his normal.  It was a bit of a challenge through the winter definitely.  I found myself having similar habits… lol… we don’t have running water or hear… so there’s not a whole lot of motivation… good thing I was lost in my own world of creativity and journaling.. lol.. but I can sympathize with him.  And I’m sure he thinks it’s going to take forever to clean and organize so he chooses not to do it.  Hopefully he can see that it really doesn’t take long when we put our focus on to something.  But I’m hoping he feels better with the space open and clean.  I know it was making me fell pretty suffocating when I first arrived.  I didn’t want to bombard him with a ton of change all at once, but once I realized he didn’t care too much for me to get rid of things… then it’s a lot easier.  That’s the thing… it’s much easier for me to get rid of things then for him…. Plus I’ve got an idea of what he’s particular with… so it’s not that hard.  

I took my little buddy outside today.  Last time he seemed to be more relaxed around the house so I thought I’d just stay here and have him explore.  Well right when we went outside the gray cat, Sissy came up… and they do not like each other.  In fact I’ve been hearing them hissing at each other at the windows.. I went outside first to see if she was around and it seemed like the coast was clear.  But I placed him on the grass.. he went to start having a snack and there she comes.  I tried to take him in the back yard and she followed.  My dad was able to get Sissy to the front, but by then my little buddy Elvis was in flight mode.  I couldn’t stop him from hiding and also he just wanted to dart back inside.  So we did.  We’ve got another beautiful day tomorrow.. I might take him to a little park that’s small and hopefully not too crowded.  See how he does.  Speaking about cats my dad is getting more concerned for the new guy… one-eyed Jack… he is definitely scrawny and he hasn’t really been eating.  He’s been inside for about a month and he’s not showing signs of getting any healthier.  He’s more comfortable with us and loves attention… he’s like a little shadow.. not me but my dad too.  But he’s afraid he might die soon.  I told him I’m not sure what to do really.  I recalled the dog I was trying to help on my dieta from the village.  There were a good amount of dogs running around which were pretty healthy.. but there was one that looked like a skeleton.  I didn’t know why none of the village wasn’t trying to help the guy out.  I ended up taking him back to the center with… my shaman wasn’t too happy about it, but I was trying to see if we could nurse it back to health.  I was unsuccessful.  Within a week he ended up passing and we buried him on the land.  I’ve been thinking about death or at least transitioning from this physical perception.  And there’s just little bits and pieces that I’ve been thinking so it makes me want to tumble it around a bit more.  But yeah… maybe this cat is about to die.  We don’t want it to die, but what if he’s to the point that we can’t do much except love him until he passes?  That’s how I felt when my grandparents were in hospice.  I’ll touch back on that in a bit.  But the same thing happened with the dog in the jungle.  At first I was a little upset that the village wasn’t trying to help this guy out.  But there’s a tendency for other animals to treat the sick animal unwell… like keeping it away from them or trying to get it to run off or even try to kill it.  I was visiting a girlfriend who bought land and a center in a Peruvian village and she had a group of dogs that she was taking care of.  She was nursing them to health and trying to get them to be adopted eventually.  What maybe seven or eight dogs.  One of the dogs was all bones… and the alpha dog was a Great Dane.  They were all good dogs but the Great Dane hated that sick dog.  Lol.. if it’s not obvious yet… I’m a bit crazy.  So the Great Dane would attack this sick guy and I would jump in every time I was around to stop it.  But it happened constantly.  I’d be carrying the sick dog away many times… he’d have wounds to heal.  I’m not sure how long after I left the Great Dane did end up killing the dog.  Again… I wanted the dogs to get along… and I wasn’t really mad at their behavior but maybe they sense something more than what I can sense?  Because I didn’t see any dogs really around this sick dog in the village either.  I know my cat really doesn’t seem to like anyone other than me… lol… but he’s trying to keep Jack away too.  Actually I hadn’t thought of this before… but my brother nursed our dog back to health growing up with Pedialyte.  Maybe I can give that a try.  It was different with our dog.. she was trying to hide to die… and the cat seems to want attention but it’s weak.  I know I’ll feel bad when the cat dies.  Especially because it seems like it’s been neglected since it’s been born… he finally has a chance to at least have some people love on him and give him some shelter when he needs it.  My dad says many things about being sick of cats around… but he’s got a good heart and he’s worried about the little guy even though he’s new to the house.  But we don’t know what it was going through before we met him.  I just find situations where I want to help animals who are on the verge of dying and they end up dying even though I try to stop it.  I feel sad because again I feel the life they were living wasn’t easy for them.  And I know once I entered into their lives I would give them attention and love… so at least they have that before they pass.  I know I want to continue to work with animals.. I absolutely love them.  I’ve actually had animals be guests in ceremony with me too.  I’ve done ceremonies with Elvis which has been quite beautiful but I’ve also had three dogs join as well.  Mostly I’m just trying to clear out their energies… one ceremony it was really cool because I was able to settle them all down at the same time… it was as if they felt the energy and intent of the moment.  And Elvis was a really good helper in one particular ceremony.  There was a guy who wasn’t comfortable.  He was pacing inside and he would go outside and pace.  He was having issues with kidney stones and even passing his stool.  But there were a few guests… so if he was outside pacing and I was inside with another guest… I’d hear Elvis meowing… and he’d be looking outside.. he’s like go check on this guy… I’m worried about him… lol… so I would.  Spend time and return into the Maloca and continue…. But he did that about three times that night and that was the first time he’s been so vocal in ceremony… especially with a gentleman he doesn’t even know.  He could just feel the energy and it seemed like he was really concerned.  Elvis knows I am trying to connect and communicate with him… I respond fairly quickly if he’s meowing to acknowledge him and watch him to see what he’s wanting from me.  But yeah maybe I need to learn more about how to treat illness with animals.  Reminds me a little time in my life when I was quite young I thought I’d want to be a veterinarian until I found out I’d also have to put them down at times… so I decided not to.  But darn it.. I guess that’s just what I’m supposed to do or at least be involved with a some extent.  I’m not sure if any who reads this has seen an animal or a human take their last breath.  It’s intense and it rips at the heart when it happens.  I’ve been there for a dog and I’ve been there with my grandma.  It’s tough but I also had time to help them prepare though too and that seems to help in the transition and being present to observe the transition happening.  

Is more of that going to be part of my experiences?  When I thought I was going to die and I thought my shaman was going to help me pass… it made sense to me at the time.  Again I remembered being there for my grandparents when we knew their time was short.  I feel blessed that I had those experiences.  They meant so much to me and when they decided to go into hospice I knew that my time with them was short… and I’m going to be a part of that.  I think I intuitively knew this would be the best way for me to process losing them from my physical presence.  I was in my first semester in college when my grandma went to hospice.  They didn’t think she would last but a few days.  The family caretakers had a lesson on what to do and what to possibly look for when death is imminent.  There have been some instances that they could be completely clear, competent and conscious right before they pass.  I was hoping to experience that moment with my grandma, but it didn’t happen.  My grandma was unfortunately in a vegetative state when she went to her home for hospice.  She had an allergic reaction in the hospital which cause multiple seizures.  I was on the night shifts with my dad… We had to take care of her bodily fluids because she couldn’t consciously do them for herself.  I remember helping her with her mouth and swabbing it with these sucker sponges… sponge baths… giving her medication anally because she couldn’t swallow… none of this bothered me.  I just wanted her to be as comfortable as she could be in those moments.  I’d still give her massages… comb her hair.. we’d still talk to her and tell her how much she meant to us all.  My grandpa was having a very hard time with it all.  My grandma did almost everything for him… he was terrified to live without her… and I could hear him at night crying and telling her… begging her not to leave him.  Telling her that he’s scared and doesn’t want to live without her… it was heartbreaking.  I felt so bad for my grandpa… but I also knew he was going to be taken care of and he’ll eventually gain the strength to overcome his loss.  Well we were going to do our best to get him to overcome.  My grandma’s sister passed before her and her husband didn’t last a month after she passed.  So we didn’t want the same thing to happen for him, but really who are we to say when the best time is for someone to pass?  I’d say that individual knows to some extent when they want to pass?  Especially if the choice is taken away by someone’s action that leads to that passing.  We knew we had to get my grandpa confident that we were going to take care of him.  We won’t do the same job as grandma, but we’re going to do our best and I told him I think grandma can hear us.  I’d ask my grandpa to let her know he’s going to be ok.  I know it’s going to be hard to live without her, but we don’t want her living her life like this though either.  I remember being there watching and listening to my grandpa encouraging her that he’ll be taken care of and she doesn’t have to worry.  He kept on repeating how much he loved her and how much she had made him so happy… again heartbreaking yet beautiful at the same time.  My grandparents had been together since they were in high school.  Their families lived an alley way apart.  My grandma was 68 when she passed… and I remember everyone celebrating their 50th anniversary a few years earlier.  Her first and only lover.  And it seemed like she was waiting for something before she wanted to let herself go to pass.  And of course I don’t know if this is the case, but I think she was waiting for my grandpa to tell her that… before she chose to transition.  Again seeing someone take their last breath was tough… I just remember her breathing doubled or even tripled in pace like hyperventilating and then she stopped breathing.  And any excess fluids she had came out of her mouth, and I believe she also had a bowel happen at that moment.  It’s really had to lose a loved one but darn it.. I was so grateful that she passed though too… I didn’t want her to live in that state for too long… it just wasn’t living.  When I was my grandpa’s hospice nurse I moved in with him.  He was at a different circumstance when he went into hospice.  He was conscious and coherent, but he wasn’t allowed to have anymore heart surgeries.  It was tricky with him because his body was filling up with fluids and a lot of the family was arguing how to deal with it.  Whether to be strict on his diet so prolong the inevitable or to have him enjoy his food while he could.  We were trying to restrict as much as we could… he was already in the habit of it anyway, but yeah… when he made special requests… how in the hell or we going to tell him no.  We want him to enjoy and be as comfortable as he can before he passes.  It was really great, because it was a couple months with my grandpa and so everyone was able to spread the word to the community… so we’d have all kinds of people visiting and sharing memories.  My grandpa was involved with the community through coaching and the elks club… we’d have grown adults bringing in old pictures and uniforms or a baseball… my grandpa coached my basketball in middle school so I had some teammates around my age who came to visit… it was just really nice to be able to share that time with people able to say their good-byes… being a part of their hospice care really changed me in a deep way, especially when it came to showing appreciation and love while we share this experience, but also about dealing with death.  In both instances I knew I was going to miss them, but I also didn’t want them to continue living in the state they were in… so it was best to transition beyond the physical.  I really was able to overcome any feelings of attachment for them to stay because I didn’t want them to leave… it wasn’t about me… and I’m fortunate to take the time to show them and tell them how much they meant to me… I didn’t have any regrets.  Again it seemed like my grandpa was also waiting for something before he wanted to pass too.  So my grandparents has four children… and at that time there was arguing going on between them.  Sad to say but I’d have to ask people to leave the house… or least go outside.  If there was any arguing or yelling… I’d say that’s enough… take a breather… that energy doesn’t need to be here in front of grandpa… of course that would upset him.  That shit upsets everyone… so I’d have to kick them out and tell them to return when they are calmer.  I know they have high emotions going on and they’re trying to express themselves but they can have a more mature approach to the communication.  I mean some were directing to my grandpa.  And that’s what upset me… why are they waiting until he’s on his death bed to bring all of this up… why couldn’t they bring it up before.  But again I know they needed their closure too… this was their chance.. but to be yelling and angry isn’t the way.  But because their was issues between the kids not all of them were there at the same time.  I was teaching painting classes at the time… but they were only three to four hours long and it was a few times a week… but I left for an event and all of my aunts and uncle and my dad was visiting for the first time all together and without me… I got a call on the way to work that my grandpa past.  I remember thinking to myself… so that’s what you were waiting for.  He was waiting for all of them to be together when he chose to pass.  I remember at the funeral some of my cousins said they thought I was going to take it a lot harder than I did.  I told them I’ve spent the last months with grandpa… I’ve already had closure and acceptance while he was here.  I’m going to miss him, but I know he’s in a better state then where he was.  My grandma’s burial I couldn’t even stay to see her being lowered into the ground… I was still very emotional.  My grandpa I had more time to process and be with him before so I wasn’t so emotional and was more stable to see at the funeral and burial.  This also brings me to my es-stepmother’s mom who passed away last year.  I wanted to be here for her celebration of life last October.  Again I have a better understanding of what death is at this point… a part of me wished I could’ve been there for her during the last moments.  She was involved in my life from around first grade to sixth grade… which doesn’t seem like a long time but she was extremely influential to me.  I feel like I really got the best moments from her liveliness when she was with us.  Her health starting going down hill when she was grandparents to her children’s children.  Since I was struggling with my own battles with my ex-step mom… I didn’t spend a lot of time with my grandma after… but i cannot forget all the great memories I had with her and just how she approached teaching us… sticks with me.  She’s the one who really got me involved in being creative… really inspired me to explore so many areas of creativity.  They lived on a farm and that really had an impression on me too… how much hard work goes into farming… her laughter… oh my goodness you could almost here it a mile away… lol… I remember I’d be in elementary school sitting in class and then we’d all hear her laughing and everybody would look at me… oh your grandma’s here… lol.. actually my dad’s grandparents… they were my number one fans in all my sporting events.  That was a ritual for me… I’d be doing the warm-ups but before we had to sit down to start the game… I’d always go and visit my grandparents… i don’t know but they gave me so much joy and I was just so proud to have them their supporting me.  I wish I could’ve been more involved before she passed, but I know there’s nothing I could’ve said to her that she doesn’t already know now after she passed…. She was remarkable and truly lovable.  It’s really trying to be there for the family who will be challenged with the loss of their appearance in the physical who needs the support.  They become infinite, and we don’t have to worry about them anymore… continue to cherish their memory and observe our own tendencies that we share… right this reality we can continue to share a part of them within ourselves… it’s beautiful.  I’ve always been close to my dad, but after my grandpa passed… it felt like our relationship went to another level… he has no clue how much I appreciate him being my dad.  I tell him all the time and he just laughs… but I’m happy I found the time to be able to share these moments with my dad right now.  I’m grateful to be helping him be comfortable as much as I can.  Lol… my uncle wants me to be his caretaker after he saw how I was with my grandpa, his dad… I said I will, but my dad’s on the top of my list… I joked around… I don’t know if I can handle both of you at the same time though.  So yeah… if that’s going to continue to happen where I’m with people before they transition… I’d be honored.  It’s an honor to be able to experience that with them.  If I’m understanding correctly… we will choose to share that experience together, and I know I’ll do my best for them to not be fearful… I’ll do my best to make them as comfortable as they can.  I can guarantee they will feel loved until their last breath of this physical experience.  

I really do love to love.  I keep thinking about my death experience and my awakening experience… i know I’m going to continue sharing ceremony, and if my shaman was able to help guide me to those experiences… I want to learn how to do it too.  I think I was shown this in my experience for my to learn this.  That’s what I feel is going to happen on this expedition… I have a feeling its going to be a group that’s with me, and I’m not sure what we’re going to be doing the whole time, but I said it’s the journey that usually is the juice of it really… and I feel I’ll be ready to help guide this group to their death and awakening.  I don’t know it might happen sooner… there was a friend from Peru who I was working with that I got the feeling he’s close… he might not need my help actually but if I happen to be with him… I’m going to do my best to make it comfortable and as easy as I can help.  Right… I’m not afraid to communicate and so I like to tell my guests as much as I can to prepare them.  When I was going through it… my shaman didn’t prepare me… lol… of course we were lost in translation a lot of the time, but when he said I needed to passé… I didn’t understand that… I didn’t understand that my mind would interpret that as passing out of the physical experience what we call death.  I don’t know if I would have responded differently but I think I would have.  I wouldn’t have made the decisions I did if I was prepared.  I’m hoping that maybe they don’t even have to think they are dying… they can just feel like they’re awakening.. I’m sure each individual will be different.  But I think the people I’ll work with maybe similar to myself… they’ll be finding their own way to awaken for themselves.  But if I can help guide them… if it feels like I’m telling them they’re going to die in ceremony… that again in my experience there was a choice whether they want to continue the death experience of infinity or if they want to live fully in this physical experience.  And that’s where it causes hesitation… what if someone does decide to continue to transition and pass?  I have to be honest… I would probably still be honored to be a part of that shared experience.  It’s just societies opinion about it that will be a challenge to handle.  Right, society has a different perception about death.  Again… I don’t know if this is the case in every situation, but I feel like it’s a choice.  I don’t know whether someone passes unexpectedly by someone’s actions whether they choose or not… but I also don’t know what goes on in their minds whether they were looking to embrace infinity but didn’t know what they were asking for… it’s hard to express or even think about… right it’s not easy to talk about these things because again society sees it as the thing to avoid at all costs is to die.  It’s the worst thing that can happen to someone.  I just don’t know if this is true or not.  Well actually I do know for me… it’s not the worst thing to happen.  Maybe when you haven’t experienced death or a sense of eternal existence… it can be the worst thing.  But if we do have that experience that death is not a final state then it’s not the worst thing.  To me and my experiences is when I had a choice to stay as a nonphysical existence of bliss or to return to the physical… I wanted to return to be able to experience bliss with this body, with this mind, and with the universe.  There was not a wrong choice, but to return to the physical I want to fully express and experience as much as I am capable.  Many of my messages tell me that the universal collective is connecting at extremely deep levels.  So I could just choose a life where I’m creating bliss only for myself, but I think we’re capable of much more than that.  It’s as if i’m choosing this physical life because I am curious to see what a conscious collective will create together.  Not only that but to see what I’m capable of in the physical experience as well.  

I was reading a few posts on the Forum and I ran into a post where a member posted someone on YouTube saying that Leo is creating a cult.  I didn’t listen to the video because I feel like it’s a silly thought.  As a student of Leo… I feel like this group has a deeper theory into the structure of cults and it’s obvious to us this isn’t a cult.  But what I’ve been gathering from this post and again from other posts that happen to draw my attention… its the case there’s so many of us that doesn’t have our own experience of what death is.  I feel the member who posted it was thinking that there were three people who have committed suicide while listening to Leo’s videos.  Again I didn’t watch the video so I don’t know all the details.  I know I’ve listened to Leo’s videos and he’s addressed one of these cases before.  the member I feel didn’t address his issue in a mature manner, but I think he’s trying to see if there is a way to prevent people from killing themselves.  Or trying things that has the potential of death.  Is there a way to prevent that?  Again who are we to decide whether someone should choose to be nonphysical or physical?  I might have thought about taking my life once in my life but it was an impulsive thought and yeah I was just stressed and angry and I just wanted to give up… but it was fleeting for myself.  And it was only a thought… I didn’t take any action towards it.  I think I was probably late middle school or high school when this thought occurred.  But I’m assuming that some people may battle with this thought maybe on a more regular basis.  If I can be open to the idea that if I lived a life where I constantly thought of suicide… and then I had that choice again to be nonphysical or physical… I could see myself choosing to be nonphysical.  I feel I could imagine many scenarios where I would’ve been able to choose the nonphysical.  And I’d honestly say that societies opinion about my choice wouldn’t be a care for me.  I’d assume I would be so disconnected that the physical world would no longer be a choice I’d like to continue.  Why don’t we entertain the idea that death is a choice for a second.  What if we all saw death as not the worst thing in the world.  In fact because we thought it was a choice… would we be so upset with death?  Could we really be upset with someone who chooses to pass out of the physical?  Maybe we cannot understand why, but they can understand why.  If we had a choice when to die… would there even be murder?  Who are we surviving against?  That’s the thing survival mode is many people’s focus because they don’t want to die.  But can they entertain the idea that death may not be what they think it is?  Maybe focusing on surviving death causes more unnecessary deaths… because we think everything is trying to kill us all the time.  How can we get to a point where we feel safe from death?  How can we get to a point where death isn’t so scary or uncomfortable?  How can we get to a point where death isn’t a negative thought?  Some of the readers might be asking why would I even be thinking these thoughts… how is that possible and what would be the advantage to gain anyway?  Well.. if we are identifying as human… what would be the advantage of not being scared of death… it would completely change the human collective psyche and behavior patterns.  I know it’s hard to imagine, but if we humans didn’t have to survive life… we’d have the time in the world to do… what? Live life to our fullest?  Create our wildest of dreams?  Well… if we are identifying as a spiritual human… this is what we are doing.  We are trying to experience existence beyond the limits of a human… maybe what we can call it the spirit… many spiritual humans have developed an understanding that surviving life isn’t the most conscious way to live as a human… we’ve experienced the nonphysical and there’s no body to sense, no environment to experience, no human mind to learn… which may sound awful, but it’s not… but to have this physical experience and not be able to appreciate it’s brilliance would be the worst thing possible… because it’s our moment to take advantage of this masterful art we are creating.  we are already on this spiritual path, but many don’t realize it.  I didn’t realize it for most of my life, but just because I didn’t realize it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t happening already.  Again I feel like I want to know how to make us realize we’re on a spiritual path already and of course sooner… lol… but I know it’s already happening, but is it happening at this pace because most of the collective is not conscious of this?  Maybe we are conscious and the pace is perfect… maybe I’m just wondering why I feel the desire to help people see death differently.  why do I have the desire to help people realize death and even the desire to support when they desire to transition?  I’m comfortable asking these questions, and I’m comfortable not having to find a resolution at this time.  Lol… I feel like I’ve been purging so much lately that I just feel like I’ve got space to spare.  I feel like I have more attention to give to areas because again I feel like my energetic thoughts aren’t so spread out… this purging process is valuable to me.  I appreciate everything that I’ve been able to attract to get me to this point.  And again I’m excited to see how this continues to develop.  

Yeah I think this is a good place to stop for now.  I’ve been thinking maybe I should spread my Journal entries out for a few days… I’m not sure but I’m open to it.  Yes I’ve been getting a ton of value, but I also want to create some space from it too… lol… Creating space seems to be what I’m drawn to do right now.  Alright until next time.  

Edited April 20, 2023 by withinUverse
Accidentally posted before I was finished with my thoughts.

[withinUverse]

Ok.. so I’ve working on purging and organizing… lol… I’ve been messaging friends and I tell them the exciting things I’m doing… lol… they want to know my plans and they want to get together… and part of me is like… ummm… right now I’m just focused on this right now.  I’ve been enjoying it.. lol… I look around my dad’s place and I’m like how in the world am I going to get this all done, but I’ll do what I can until I don’t want to…lol… many of them admit that’s what they need to do too.  I know some of them and one in particular.. I’ve helped for two summers to help him at his house and garage… lol.  He’s been in Mexico for the winter and he’s only going to be in Colorado for three months before he goes to Scotland for his first time and then around Europe he said for a month.  I wish he didn’t put a timeline on it.  He’s retired… just enjoy himself and see what happens, but I’m curious if he’ll continue to tackle his place or not.. lol… I did a pretty good job at getting him started, but yeah… it’s going to be more effective if he actually does it… so he can get the rewards of purging.  That’s what I think about my pops too, but I know it looks like a big mess that just is too much work.  So I know again… I don’t want to do it all… I’d like for him to have a good start and hopefully he’ll feel like it’s easier to tackle… but we’ll see.  That’s the thing… I get one space pretty much done… then I go to another space and to clear that space… I find a place things in the first space… lol… I always have to tell them that it’s a process… at least I have an area where I can organize and sort.  My dad actually has quite a bit of space in total… it’s getting to the point where everything is going to have a place instead of just stacking on top of each other.  The garage… geesh!  I hit it hard last fall and I go back in now and it’s like I feel like nothing was done it’s such a wreck.  But I still had some of my things I was working on last fall… and when it comes to my things I’m like ok I don’t need this… let’s get rid of this and there’s only a few tools that I’m going to use for art projects… but I also can leave them for my pops too.  But when I see all my dad’s stuff… I have to question everything… lol… Again it’s not like he’s eager to go through things.  Half of me is like… just get rid of it because he won’t even know it’s missing… lol.. and then the half is like… he likes to explore and tinker… maybe i should keep some things to keep his mind occupied.  There’s a balance I’m trying to figure out.  So yeah I’m getting better acquainted with the town’s recycling and dump to figure out what I can put everything.  There are larger recycling centers in the cities… so I’m still debating of getting my cousin’s truck to take a few trips to dispose all the appliances… the tv’s, the computers, the stereos, the vacuums, the fans… lol.. so much stuff it’s crazy.  Really makes me want to be more deliberate with my material purchases… lol… I remember when I first started clearing inside the house he made the comment that it’s feeling bare… lol… maybe there’s too much space… to me I don’t know if that’s even possible… lol.. I love space!  Well I hope to really change the garage… makes me curious how he’s going to deal with it… lol… we had a conversation when I first arrived about thinking about who’s going to have to clean up after him.  I wasn’t being too harsh, but I was like dad… you know I”m going to be the one that’s going to have to take care of all of this.  I won’t care really… that’s why I’m doing it now, but I just want him to have an easier life… lol… I know if it’s clean and organized it’ll be good for him.  But he’s created habits so I’m not sure how he’ll choose to handle it.  Well I’m getting a better idea on what to do if I have to come back and do it again.. lol.  Hopefully not, but we’ll see.  He’s actually got a great creative mind and I can’t wait to see what he ends up doing with it.  That’s why I want to keep things for him to work with…lol… maybe I’m enabling him, but why not… he likes his little world and I want him to enjoy himself as much as he will allow. 

So I try to compare things I do in the waking world to my personal development.  What comes to mind is my mind’s clutter.  I mentioned earlier that since I’ve been purging on this Journal it feels like I’m creating more space in my mind.. it seems like I had so many old stories that was taking up space.  It felt like I almost cleared it up years ago, but then there was a few items of those stories that I just moved to another area and then it’s like I forgot it was still occupying my mind.  As I was purging out here.. I was like oh shit… this still is here… but yeah I don’t have any need for this anymore… so again for me right now… it’s like let’s just trash it or donate or recycle it… whatever… but it almost feels like I should be able to look at the thoughts in my mind that I do want to hold on to, because it’s something I’m working to manifest.  It feels like possible before the purge, purification, and integration towards a better understanding how I’m operating now.  I feel like maybe I shouldn’t trust my thoughts completely before the purge.. lol… I feel like I’ll be able to view it differently.  I already know some of these messages about participating in activities that’s going to use some planning and people and situations I’ve never done before…. It’s much easier to feel like it’s all going to work out.  When I first went through these experiences in ceremonies… a part of me was like.. ok you know this is going to work out that’s why I’m getting these messages, but then a larger part was just overwhelmed and wanted to start planning right away and I didn’t know where to start either… so it really stunted forward movement, but that was exactly what I needed to do.  I needed to stop and rest.  Now that I’ve been purging I feel like I can address it in a more calm manner.  Again I might not have the answers right now, but I do have more confidence.  Those ceremonies were just so different… they weren’t a short term goal… I know these are long term… when I say long-term I feel I can be doing my expedition within around five years.  Yes, I’m hopeful… if it takes longer, then that’s how long it takes.  But earlier ceremonies I could find things that I could do relatively quickly… lol… but honestly not all of them was as quick as I hoped… lol… that’s why I also know the timing is what it is.  

I think I’m going to see what I can process from them again.. take another look maybe I can add to them.. I don’t know.  I apologize if I’m repeating myself but that’s just how I work when I’m trying to find a solution.  So I’ll take a look at the excavating message.  So if you’re not familiar with Aya ceremonies… and honestly I don’t know if it’s the same for other, but for me… there are times where it’s like I’m waiting for my awareness to notice something.  It’s been there waiting for me patiently until I finally have my consciousness open enough to receive the information.  So let’s see if I can describe it.  In the ceremony we can say it’s close to pitch black.  I don’t remember if I had my eyes opened or closed… regardless it was pitch black and possibly my mind was wandering I don’t know… I can try to compare it to a meditation session.  If we’ve tried meditation… sometimes it’s easy to be aware of a thought… especially if it’s a small thought and we just observe.  But when we really get caught up in the thought.. then our awareness isn’t observing it anymore it’s got sucked up into the thought to where we cannot even use our senses any longer… I use that at times to keep me in the present moment is to listen… and when I get lost into thought I can hear anything anymore… it has to be something very jarring to wake me out of my consumption of my thought… lol.. so it might’ve been the same thing in ceremony… well… actually my awareness gets a boost in ceremony… so I’m assuming I was finishing the message before this started… especially the case with me… I was probably being an active vessel for infinite intelligence to work through.  In fact I was leading the ceremony with six other guests.  It was amazing and I realize there was still time for me to get my own messages without leading… that’s great when we work with groups that can work on themselves.  Any way.. it was pitch black and waiting for me to be aware… and that’s what it felt like it did… all of a sudden I was looking at a rock.. i think.  It was a pretty good size… it was maybe a little lighter than black and I’m not sure but it did look like a few spots on the rock seemed like it could glimmer… maybe like metallic.  So it wasn’t like it completely stood out from the emptiness… but there was an outline and I sat there looking and trying to gather as much information about it.  Right.. I didn’t know what this was going to lead me so I try to be as observant as I can… but at this time it really took it’s time for me to look at it… so it was the focus.  I am not familiar with rocks… lol… so I have no clue what type of rock this is… lol… what I thought was it was a meteorite or something like that… lol… but I have no clue.  I don’t even know if I got the message at this time or later, but I got a message that this is tied to communication.  It didn’t go into details what that meant.. I just heard communication.  My first thought would be able to use this rock into ceremony to assist in my communication somehow.  It’s a little odd because I see grids or converging lines on different planes to see how the Icaros can weave around the entire ceremonial space… it doesn’t seem like it would be a problem to get every inch of the space.  I’ve also been able to help guests who are outside of the ceremonial space too… so how can it help with communication?  Well there is times.. well especially with this particular ceremony I was leading the gentlemen that were in ceremony, but I know I was talking to other guests who were not physically present.  It’s hard to explain and I’m not trying to convince anyone… I just know how I feel and how I work and so that’s what I thought might be the communication…. I’ll be able to connect in a deeper way to guests who aren’t present.  There were times where I ask people who are present who are ready to work together… and even call them to let them know I’m ready whenever they are.  A lot of the times I don’t know who I’m calling… a few times I know who I am calling… but regardless I find myself doing it in ceremony… and believe me it’s shocking when I start to do it, because I feel like.. can this really be happening… am I connecting to people who aren’t sharing ceremony with me right now.  But I’m telling you there is so much we don’t know… so I just continue.  So I thought maybe that’s what the communication may mean.  And honestly I had a hope that I’d be able to sing my Icaros into this rock to amplify.  I feel like my Icaros is already powerful but it’s still developing.  I absolutely know without a doubt how powerful my shamans I work with are with their Icaros.  Honestly there’s varying degrees of strength but specifically the shaman I had my first dieta with has had one of the top strength with his Icaros.  When he was sharing ceremonies with his female partner… I don’t think they officially got married, but I still see them as a married couple.  But those two together… wow… there hasn’t been another shaman(s) who’s have been able to such a commanding strength with their Icaros then they did.  I’m blessed my first ten ceremonies were with them.  I know I shouldn’t, but I still have a little part of me wishes I could’ve gotten more time with the female shaman.  It was a shock to many of us to lose her so soon.  It’s so hard to digest that… I know she still exists but I’m so accustomed to living a life where I’d have to see them in my physical presence to be aware of them… but I don’t know if that’s the case all the time.  When people are what we say alive but they live around the world.. I know they influence me.  Why wouldn’t I see that in someone who what we say dies doesn’t influence me.  I know my grandparents and my stepdad who has passed… they still influence me… so maybe I just need to be more open to looking at this differently.  It’s not like I’ve had a direct experience with this… but I am more open to having messages or maybe I don’t need messages… but she’s influencing me.  I thought maybe I’d get a message in ceremony or something.  It hasn’t happened yet or again… that’s not something I’m going to learn… but I’m open to whatever the case will be.  

Whew!  I keep thinking the collective is the collective in the physical aspect of our perception… but why is that the case?  Hmmm… I hadn’t thought about this before.  Maybe that’s why consciousness continues to mature and elevate regardless of the physical collective experiencing it.  In my understanding… the nonphysical is highly loving, conscious, intelligent, and patient... and that’s always in the background always.  It’s not really in the background… it’s just existing with us now and here.  I know this whole paradigm I’ve been living most of my life where I’m separate from everything has really been engrained into my system…. Lol.. I know that’s going to be one of the toughest challenges to reprogram.  I don’t want to say it’s going to be tough.. because It doesn’t have to… I want it to be easy and effortless.  I have to increase my awareness to recognize when I’m communicating in my conditioning or from my reprogramming.  I’m trying more to call myself out at things that I find easier to say because it’s been like I’ve said it so much that it comes out… and while it’s coming out… a part of me is like… hey now.. wait… I know better now… so address it and adjust it to where it’s my truth now.  Continuing to repeat the truth that I know that is different from my past will allow it to flow easier.  But I’m aware that as I change so will my communication.  Starting to be more deliberate… continue to be more deliberate.  I know I’m not separate from the Universe… so there’s nothing that is separate in my experience, but even when it’s not in my direct experience… it continues to influence me.  I know when I heard the videos where Leo said that scientist think they are observing something as if they are separate from that something.  I had thought I had a pretty good understanding of what that was, but it’s only been clicking clearer recently.  When I was responding to people specifically in this Forum… I could see that I was trying to separate the person who I was responding to, but I couldn’t… I could see that I was observing and also engaging and so I was entangled with them… not separate from them.  When I was giving a comment or advise.. I also saw that I wasn’t just talking to the person.. I was talking to myself and I was also talking to us.  We are entangled.. we are not separate… very much involved…lol… in fact I’m trying to change using the words they and you… lol… and that’s been tricky… lol.  Again it’s so conditioned into my system, but in my head if I use these words it’s when I’m assuming I’m separate from whom I’m speaking with.  I even thought was there ever a language that didn’t use these words?  Was there a time where humans were inclusive with their language and speech?  Maybe when we were in the smaller village communities, but when we saw a new or different village…. We might have created an exclusive words to create separation?  I assume that we were more spiritually connected to the land, elements, and animals… did we always see it as something separate from ourselves?  Right… I’m not just saying that humans are entangled and are not separate… Nothing is separate when we are experiencing it is easier to get an understanding.  Right we wouldn’t be able to experience our environment regardless of the details of our experience… if we aren’t there then that experience wouldn’t exist in that moment for us.  But yet does that mean it doesn’t exist?  It might be something similar to what I experience in my art… it exists.. it’s just waiting to be created.  In my art work.. I feel like there is infinite possibilities… It just depends on what I want to focus on and probably my conscious state to what becomes the creation.  This makes me wonder what it would be like living in this physical existence with us all being inclusive instead exclusive.  If I continue my habit to reprogram my communication to be inclusive… when I start raising my children… we will have that language and perspective from the beginning of their experience.  The children wouldn’t have the same experience that I had… but when did that even start to happen for me?  Hmmm… interesting was it already developing when I started looking at things or was it when I started learning the language to distinguish what all these things were?  It’s like I don’t even know where to pinpoint that moment, because it was maybe never a conscious moment where I saw I was actively involved with the environment… well I definitely wasn’t being taught this either… lol.  

(Alright nice… again I allow myself to just go with it.. I didn’t know what I was going to find tonight… interesting… but let’s continue the ceremony… and see where it goes from there… happy I’m getting some new thoughts to explore)

As I was observing the rock… I started to observe things behind the rock… they started to emerging and again… it’s like stones or even crystals… I’m not sure exactly.  I haven’t made a study of rocks even though I feel they are super cool with all the variations I’ve found, but I hadn’t gotten to the point of studying them.  These stones were significantly smaller than the solo rock I was originally focused.  And there were many of these smaller stones.  They also were colored warm… lol.. not sure but burnt orang-ish… my first thought was as if they were Amber stones maybe.  I didn’t seem to really focus on them long… because the vision started moving outward it started showing these stones in the depth of the dirt.  It was as if we had already dug for them… I can’t say how deep it was, but it didn’t see my like it was crazy deep… there was not a person standing there to give me a perception of scale but I remember seeing the trees on top of the land… and it looked similar to like a trench.. if I had to give it a guess I’d say about six feet deep… around there.  So when I saw this I knew this isn’t digging with shovels.. lol… I’d have to get some type of heavy equipment to do the excavation.  I mean technically we could dig, but I don’t particularly want to spend months digging… I helped clear a walkway through the land and that was tough enough with all the roots from the plants and trees… I don’t feel like dealing with that honestly.  i visited the closest small city from this village and I saw excavating equipment, which is where I’ll probably have to rent the equipment for the dig.  The vision moved to the specific spot on where it was on the property of my shamans land.  It gave me enough detail for me to know where it was.  I’ve taken some good time walking on his property and this particular area he had already started clearing because he build a hut there already.  So it wasn’t like in the middle of his property where everything would look similar.  But as the vision continued… the entire plane.. the picture of the location collapsed on itself and stretched into lines and it was as if I started riding the moving lines and we entered into a bottle of Ayahuasca.  That’s when I got the message to get more details for this message was to put my intentions into Aya and have ceremonies to get answers.  I don’t think it took long for me to receive this message.  I know I continued to lead the ceremony afterwards and there was so much going on that I almost forgot about it.  We all ate the following day in that small city because three of us were returning to Pucallpa on the fast boat.  After we ate… it came back into my memory.  My friend was there to translate for me and I told him about it.. to tell the shaman.  I told him that it’s not something we’ll be doing right away, but we’ll talk about it when it comes time.  That was what was so great… neither of them doubted or questioned me when I told them.  But I also had no doubts either.  We shared a deep experience the following night… and possibly because I was leading they got a better picture of what I bring to the table.  My shaman without hesitation said.. after I told him around the area we will be digging.. he said he knew something was there… that’s why he had already started clearing it out, but he didn’t know what was there.  It’s heading out to what he calls the Anaconda tree.. which is gigantic gorgeous tree… it’s absolutely phenomenal… maybe the largest tree I’ve ever seen which has huge roots flowing everywhere.  So that might be something we can add to the excavation… maybe make it easier to be able to visit the Anaconda tree.  There’s a little water that collects there too which creates mosquitoes… we could probably work on that too… i don’t know what could be a solution, but I think I’ve already mentioned since we’re going to have the excavating equipment.. it would be nice to use it for the projects we want to build… make it easier while we can.

So… again… I haven’t participated or organized an excavation before.. so I can try to figure out what would be needed to prepare for this.  Before I even go back to my shaman’s center I want to do dieta before I arrive.  So if we’ve been reading from older posts… there was a sexual messages that were faced in an undesirable way.  I know dietas ground me more and more the more I digest and integrate with ceremony.  My next rounds will not be with the shaman I had the issue with.  That’s why I want to have a mapacho dieta… I think I’ll begin with mapacho… again it’s the king of plant medicine in the Amazon.. at least in the areas I’ve visited.  It’s known as the grounder, the protector, and the cleanser.  I am clueless what all the master plants I can be dieting, but I know I trust I’ll find what I need to find by trusting the shamans I’m drawn to work with.  I almost came close to starting with mapacho at the very beginning, because I feel like I have an affinity towards mapacho.  I’ve mentioned this before but there’s a shaman who I was introduced to who I haven’t shared ceremony with who’s in Iquitos.  He would be my first choice… I really like the entire isolation process he promotes along with carving our own pipes.  That sounds up my alley and he was a martial artist and I feel like I really liked his vibe.  When I met him he said that most of my energy was in my heart to crown chakras.. lol… which I would agree… but I’ve definitely gotten better, but I keep mentioning that it’s hard for me to ground.  I even got a message where people are also grounded… it was like a different species to me… lol… i was like wow… there are people who just are naturally grounded… I wonder what that would feel like… lol… I’m sure there’s benefits and that’s the thing.. I know it’s going to create a better balance for myself.  It’s not like I won’t be able to connect to what’s natural for me… I can very airy…lol… let’s see what we can find online about tarot and Air signs… lol… So I’m an Aquarius sun, Libra moon, and Pisces rising.  I was introduced to tarot after my first round of ceremony… well I was introduced earlier but I didn’t really get into it, because I thought it was too woo-woo for me… lol… and look at me now.. hehe… anyway… just like most information I hear and read.. I take what resonates with me… sometimes the messages feel like they aren’t resonating, but the tarot readers I listen to are very positive and I’d rather be listening to positivity or music than let’s say the news.. lol.  So let’s see If I can let tarot help get a picture of me from my astrology… lol.. it’s fun.  So… Aquarius and Libra are Air signs.  “Astrological speaking, the element of Air is focused on inhaling mental energy.”  It continues, “Air signs are gifted with the ability to concentrate their dynamism on ideas that have not yet come into the material world so that eventually… they do.  The element of Air has an intellectual idealism attached to it of course… and sometimes also a high brown superiority complex.  Regardless, this is the element that is able to achieve a mental sharpness like no other.”  Continuing, “Air signs are known for being more detached and cerebral than others.  Air signs aren’t overly emotional, which gives them the ability to think logically and to achieve a broad overview of their idea.  Air signs also require extensive freedom of movement in order to express their ideas and individuality.  You can never contain an Air sign!”  It says, “ Ironically, although the element of Air has little emotion or sensitivity, it is the most social element.  How is this possible?  Air has the ability to objectively appreciate anyone or any group’s thoughts whether or not they agree with them.  The downside of Air is that occasionally, if air remains all “in the head” there’s a chance that it can become mentally imbalanced.  That’s when you’ll see an eccentric Air side.  If Air overvalues intellect it can become difficult to live in our physical world.”  It breaks down a small description on the differences between the Air signs.. I’ll focus on the Aquarius and Libra since they relate directly with my chart.  “Aquarius will utilize the element of Air to achieve the most remarkably detached ability to connect all people and every concept.”  And then, “Libra will apply the element of Air as a drive to use its intellect in a way that promotes social harmony.”   

DeSimone, Maria.  “About the Air Signs in Astrology: Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius.” HTTPS://www.tarot.com/astrology/air-sign-element.  Visited April 22, 2023.

For kicks let’s see what it says about Pisces too… which is a Water sign.  It starts, “Astrologically, the element of Water exemplifies the variety of bottomless emotion and feeling responses we’re capable of.  The feeling nature is at least partly unconscious, and that’s a vital piece of information to help us understand the Water element.  What’s interesting about the Water signs are that all of them have an acute awareness of the potency behind the unconscious while also being primarily driven by what they, themselves, are conscious of.  Without a doubt, the Water element is the most sensitive and intuitive.  This element is capable of nourishing our soul through a deep, psychic understanding of what makes us operate.  The element of Water is in touch with the source of creation and can sense that we, too, are a part of this diving birthplace.  Water signs are incredibly empathic and can feel the emotions of others.”    It continues, “Putting this into an astrological context, we can see that water has unlimited emotional depth and is self-contained.  Water is also self-protective.  If provoked, it won’t lose a battle with any other element… it prefers to do whatever it takes to guard itself from outside influences.  This guarantees a serene place for personal reflection and insight.”  Again it breaks down by sign.. so, “Pisces will showcase the element of Water by extending the deepest empathy and healing to everything that suffers.”

DeSimone, Maria. “About the Water Signs: Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces.” HTTPS://www.tarot.com/astrology/water-sign-element.  Visited April 22, 2023.

So this is a general sense of what I might be more likely to be at any given time… and just for comparison purposes… I’d say I struggle with grounding which would be the Earth sign.  So let’s see what this site says about it.  We can begin with, “Without Earth, we would have nothing to hold us up.  No foundation.  No support.  Earth is attuned to form and matter.”  It continues, “This allows Earth an intuitive grasp as to how the material world works… an almost natural understanding.  Earth had the ability to use this instinct to ensure physical security is maintained, while also achieving a thorough enjoyment and appreciation of everything the physical world has to offer.  Because of these propensities, Earth is the element of patience, stability, commitment, discipline, permanence, and strength.  Nothing can grow without these qualities and the end result with Earth is typically prosperity.  Earth may be slow and methodical, but it is also ultimately successful.  Earth’s tendencies towards being so practical can have its drawbacks.  Imagination may be lacking in Earth since the focus is mostly on what can be proven to exist by virtue of what one sees, tastes, touches, feels or hears.  An inability to deal with what cannot be explained in our physical universe can limit Earth’s potency and lead to a rigid, narrow minded, materialistic view of life and our world.  Still, if Earth can open itself up to that which it cannot sink its teeth into then, its potential to achieve prosperity will enhance tenfold.” 

DeSimone, Maria.  “About the Earth Signs in Astrology: Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn.” HTTPS://www.tarot.com/astrology/earth-sign-element.  Visited April 22, 2023.

So to me that kind of helps explain a little more maybe of how I feel when it comes to groundedness or the lack of at times.  And when it comes to the chakra system… the lower half the Solar Plexus, Sacral, and Root chakras to this shaman seemed to be disconnected for me.  Again which makes sense… even though I’m actively trying to balance and connect to be at my full potential.  That’s why I’d like to start off my return to Peru with this dieta.  Now… I found master plant dietas very beneficial.. so I’m also going to be looking to do more and I’m not sure how long that will be or where that will take me.  I have a shaman I’ve worked with before who seems to be quite keen to the dieta process.  He’s in a village outside of Iquitos… I normally want speak with his son because the shaman isn’t on social media often which is how I communicate.  It is interesting that most of the sons of the shamans I work with contact me even if I haven’t met them and want to work with me.  I know he went to diet with his dad at the beginning of this year.  If I do go to his dad, I’ll be letting him know to see if he can join us.  I already got the ok to bring my little buddy Elvis… which is awesome!  His son is working in Chile right now.. I guess he gets better pay.. but yeah.. I’d be going to this shaman without a request… I’ll have ceremony for him to decide.. or if he has a sequence he likes to use.  As I am participating… I’ll determine how long to stay with him.  Again… I want to gain more skills in ceremony.. so I know dieta will allow me to be more grounded in ceremony I share but also when I’m going solo.  I feel like I want to continue solo, but hell yeah i need to be more grounded before I do.  I’m even thinking when I start the excavation project… I’ll go in solo to see what messages I get before I share or if I even share… I’m not sure how that will all go down.  So anyway… there’s a huge boat that takes Peruvians or any other traveler down from the Amazon River through the Ucayali River to Pucallpa.  There’s a location that I wanted to visit last time in Contamana for my birthday, but I ended up in a mural project instead.  But there’s a gigantic flock of blue, green and red macaws in the Cola de Guacamayos.  There’s a short hike to waterfall “El llano de la Anaconda.”  I looked around a little bit, but I found a resident on my last trip to Pucallpa who is a student.  He said if I ever go to Contamana to please contact him so he can show me around.  I couldn’t remember where the macaws were and I found an eco/ cultural tour which sounds pretty cool.. that’s how I found out about the waterfall, but it also mentioned the Aguascalientes Reserve…  “In the town of Maquia… to the Union Camp, where is the place to spend the night to go, is a quebrada of cold and hot water with a great content of minerals, whose concentration far exceeds other thermal centers of the country, which make it curative for existing bone diseases such as: Rheumatism, arthritis, osteoporosis and other diseases…”

“Contamana-Adventures in the Pearl of Ucayali- All Year.”  Turismoi.pe. HTTPS://turismoi.pe/en/tours/Contamana-adventures-in-the-pearl-of-Ucayali-all-year-2014.  Visited April 22, 2023.

Now… honestly I probably won’t do this tour.. lol.. tour information just lets me know things that exist that I might be interested in visiting.  But I much rather not be on their schedule… lol.. I’m sure I can find better prices too if I just go myself.  Again, if I go.. I will probably reach out to the student… I might stay with him and his family most likely.. i don’t know… but I’d rather take my time.  It looks like a gorgeous location so again being involved with a tour isn’t my thing… but of course it might be for others.  Taking this boat will already take i think close to five days.. I’d have to look it up.. so breaking up the time half way in Contamana might be just the right move… but again I never know who I’ll meet and what I’ll find.. I never know I might want to make several stops… I love the adventure and it seems like I attract some great gems to discover.  So I’d be arriving in Pucallpa before I’d go to the center too.  Now… I love Pucallpa and Yarinacocha which is like a suburb… I’ve met a lot of amazing people there and I also have a shaman in San Francisco village which again isn’t too far from Yarina… so I might do yet another dieta before I go to the center to dig.  I know with the dieta with this shaman is more laid back.  So… I’ve been wanting to add another layer to my mural.  I was in a rush to get it done and I already told the owner I’ll be back to do more.  She was awesome… she paid me with her food… lol… there’s only two restaurants that were vegetarian and geared towards Aya dietas and she has amazing food.  I asked her if I can just have an allowance to eat what I want with whom I want with the amount she agrees to.  She thought it was a great idea.  that’s actually were I rented a room too, so I don’t know there’s many options when I’m there.  I also ran into another gentleman who is a children’s poetry author who wants me to make a mural for him.. so I’m not sure if that’s going to be before or after the dig… lol.  Now that I’m looking at all of this… seems like I’m going to be planning a long time in the jungle again… lol.  Last time I didn’t know how long I was going to be there… this time looks like it could be four to five months just to get to the center…lol… and the center… I don’t know how long that will be because again… not only is there going to be digging, but what to do after the digging… that’s still up in the air.

So yeah that feels better… I know I want to be better prepared before the next ceremonies with my shaman I’m going to his center to dig and who had the issues… he’s starting to get an idea of how I roll, but if I’m more grounded I feel I’ll also be able to be more in ceremony… so really he won’t be ready to see what I bring to the table next time… lol… I’m not saying I’m going to do anything to harm him… but I told him I’m integrating and I do the work… I’m hoping he’s doing the same.  I know his sons keep me updated and they seem to be doing the work.  Again the shaman might feel he’s already done enough work… lol… but if he hasn’t addressed his sexual shadow… I’m sure we’ll have some words.  But I know I’m going to have to talk to him about the digging… it’s his land and I’ve got ideas, but I need to see what ideas he has as well.  I’m not sure if there needs to be some sort of contract before we dig?  I’m not sure that’s necessary…. I know I want the original rock.  I’m not sure about the other stones… maybe a few just to complete my vision, but I’m guessing I’ll be giving those stones to my shaman… plus I plan on using the equipment to help build on his land.. and I’ve got some ideas to put some cool twists onto the property.  I feel.. like that should be a good trade.  I’m already working on him from using his money to build sustainably in the center.  Maybe that’s what we need to work out is possibly my time working on the design and construction… but I think we can just work things out without money… i don’t know… it’s just hard for me to ask for money because I know we don’t have much to spare… so I’d rather deal with bartering.  Plus I’ll be doing stuff that will be fun and I want to gain the experience.. just like other jobs.. they don’t realize I’d love to pay them to learn the skills… just to learn.  I’m not sure who is going to be involved either?  I know my friend who translated said he’d like to be there.  And also my retired friend who couldn’t make it pass the immigration in Lima because his passport… he wants to share ceremony, but he also knows how to drive the equipment.  Hmmm… what if they join?  

So my translating friend… I had suggested for him to learn how to translate better… lol.. he hadn’t done it before as a paid position, but I paid him to translate for me, but no he needs a lot of work.  He wasn’t translating word for word what was being said.  He’d hear the words and then process it in his mind and determine is interpretation and then say his words.  It was very obvious… i would be speaking say a paragraphs worth and he would translate a sentence of it.  Same thing when my shaman would speak he would be saying a lot and then he’d tell me only a fraction of what was said.  I told him repeatedly that I’d like him to not really think about what’s being said… just repeat was is asked to be translated.  There’s reasons why we are using the words we are using because that’s what we want to be communicated.  Obviously the best way to have a solution for this is to get a lot better  with the language.. then I wouldn’t need a translator.  But I still would like him to be present.  He’s working in Lima and I met him in Iquitos.  With him in Lima I’m sure he’s not taking a lot of breaks for himself… he’s probably focused on making as much money as he can there.  He’s from the jungle and I know how much it rejuvenates him when he’s there.  He’s done amazing in the ceremonies and if he can gain more confidence in himself… he can really valuable in ceremony… who knows what he’ll be able to tap into… I’m excited to find out… lol.  But I also suggest for him to participate in dieta.  He hadn’t fount the time yet.  I’ve lined it up with two shamans when he’s ready.  He’s actually maybe there with a friend he knows from Japan who was ready to return to ceremony.  He’s assisting her because it’s the first time in the Pucallpa areas… most people go to Iquitos and that’s where they met.  They’ve been able to keep in communication… and she reached out for his suggestion.  He already knows my rule about the shaman at the center… He’s going to have to be there… and he better be conscious… in fact i feel I should message him again… lol… again his confidence needs a little help.. and our shaman at the center… he’s got a strong presence and I can see him being a bit intimidated by him.  But my friend is intelligent and strong… I’ve been warning him about placing people above himself… he doesn’t need to be lower than anyone… even if you’re learning from him about ceremony doesn’t mean he can’t be teaching the shaman too about other things.  I might message my shaman too… lol… make sure everyone is on it.  Geesh!  I want everything to go perfectly… lol… well in the cosmic sense.. it will be perfect so I don’t really need to do anything… but a few messages won’t hurt anything… lol.  I’ll continue not only will he be working on getting better at translating… he can start his dieta.  Plus he’s going to be a big help anyway with the dig and probably the building too.  If I get this nonprofit going… he’d be the one who would lead the Peruvian projects.  I have a lot of trust in him.  And I know if I give him more opportunities to lead… he’ll see he’s a leader.  I also have a feeling he’ll be on the expedition in the mountains too.  So yeah I would like him to join us.  Who knows he might join me earlier.  well… depending on how much abundance i have…I might send him to the center early to get his dieta going before I arrive…. plus he’ll get more ceremonies too.  I believe he’s at his 8 ceremony mark.  He did really well though… so adding the dieta for him early… will be the right move.  Hell it might be the right move for anyone I work with.  I’m still going back and forth on that.  The thing is people don’t want to take the time off for themselves.  They will only take a week… maybe two for a vacation.  That’s why most retreats focus only on the ceremony.  But it’s the dieta and ceremony and the time in between that can create the best setup for Aya ceremonies.  But that’s for another time.  So yeah ideally… I’d like to get him with his first round of dieta… maybe even do the three months like I did.  He’ll probably need a break so he can join me wherever I might be at the time.  Or just let him freestyle it… I feel he could us a little more experience and time freestyling it… lol… maybe even send him to Sacred Valley… Cusco to Manchu Picchu… he’d love it.  I feel you can’t go wrong there… lol.  He’d be refreshed by the time he got back.  Depending on his comfort level.. he might spend I’d hope at least a month down there… and then he can probably return to Pucallpa for a month with me before we go back to the center.  Yeah.. something close to that.  

What about my retired friend?  Hmmm… he’s a little trickier… or maybe easier actually.  He’s retired… now he has a routine he’s starting to create but it’s fairly fresh.. it’s only been two years into his retirement… and he’s added this Scotland/European trip this Fall which is already breaking up the pattern he wants to create.  So I was thinking maybe I’d have to work around his schedule, but of course I will to an extent, but honestly he’s open.  I’ve already discussed kind of the time that might be best to dig whether it’s the rainy or dry season.  I might have to look back at that and get a better idea of timing… but let’s continue with my friend.  So his passport was only a month remaining and it’s required to have three months before expiration to enter Peru… so that’s why immigration wouldn’t let him through.  So… he’s actually the first person outside of my original Aya familia crew to accept my invitation to join me in ceremony.  that’s actually a big deal for me… many people talk, but he was ready to walk the walk.  I’ve shared ceremonies here in Colorado which was giving him a taste of what Aya might be like.  Lol… we’ve come quite a bit from where he started, but I also knew I wanted to give him the supplies so he can chose solo ceremonies without me necessarily being there for him to continue his experience with DMT.  I’d like to ask him to possible continue working during the three months he’s back in Colorado.  He’ll have a ton of time on his hands and I know he’ll be trying to camp as much as he can.. so that’s a great time.  He doesn’t like to do it alone.. but I’ll have to continue to encourage him, especially if he’s going to be going to ceremonies in Peru… the more I can prepare him the better.  I won’t really be able to… lol… I can do my best, but it’s just something that I can’t prepare people for until they are there experiencing it.  Now because he got turned back at Lima… he returned to Cabo that’s where he lives for the winters now… he ran into a girl who was going to Mexico City for a retreat and asked him to join her.  He also got to see the migration of the monarch butterflies… which I’m pretty jealous of… lol… I’ll make it there one day, but that is super cool and I’d love to experience that.  But with this retreat they did several things almost a different thing each night.  The hosts didn’t setup up properly because the last night didn’t finish well into the next day and everyone had to cancel their flights because they hadn’t recovered… lol… now he said he drank Aya… he said he had to ask for a second cup… and i think most of the guests did… but he said he really didn’t feel anything.  Which isn’t common, but not unheard of.  I know the first group of Aya familia there was one guest who was having problems getting into the experience.  She had three ceremonies where she thought she wasn’t feeling anything.  Maybe this isn’t the time to talk about it, but let’s just say it wasn’t a shock that he didn’t feel anything.  So again… he’s wanting to be ready to experience it.  And he’s not afraid.  Now existence on the other time is telling him so far he’s not ready… lol.. that he needs more time.  So yeah… how would I know if he’s ready or not?  I know he’s got his passport ready now.  I know we were planning to do the Contamana trip together for my birthday… he’s a bird watcher and when I showed him the macaws he was all in… and of course he’d want to go to Machu Picchu as well…. Hmmm… I don’t think he’d do the three month dieta without me there.  I don’t really want him to go to the center without me either… I know I’d be able to make him comfortable more then anyone else in our crew.  He’s can speak Spanish better than I can… that’s not really a problem… and he’s been taking classes too to get better.  Maybe I can set it up for him and my translator to visit Sacred Valley together.  I could probably go with them too… I’m trying to show them how I travel a bit… where I wing it.. and see what existence wants to share with me… it’s pretty awesome really.  But right less planning and more exploring and more socializing… lol.. so I’m glad I mentioned the whole weather/season thing… I was thinking digging around the rainy season… but the building would be around the dry season… so after the dig we could go to Sacred Valley… ohh we could probably do quite a bit of traveling actually… ok wait a minute.. I want to make them comfortable I realize this.. but I also have to remember how I am… lol… I know I’m going to want my own time too… plus I want them to not rely on me so much if that makes sense.  Yeah we can entertain the thought that they might go together without me… or. For a short period.. I enjoy visiting myself… may depend on how long he’d want to stay.  I think with both of them they’re available and will continue as long as they’re enjoying themselves.  Not only is my retired friend know how to drive the equipment, but he used to own a construction business so I know he’d be great at helping with the ideas after the dig… I’ve been up in the air with him about the expedition… I don’t think he’ll be joining us.. but honestly since I have him in Peru.. there are a few people I’d like him to see to try to get his foot up and working properly.  He had surgery and then it was infected in recovery and it’s just not been the same.  I’ve been asking around and we’ve got a few people who thinks they can help.  I’d love to go ahead and give it a try while we’re there.  I’ve been trying to get him more conscious of his posture which has helped a bit with his limping.  I ask him if he’s been keeping his head up while he’s walking on the beach in Cabo…plus when he hikes in the mountains.  Right now he can’t go too far… but I have a feeling we can help his foot and get him walking comfortably without pain.  We’ve been working together and since we met he’s been going through changes really well.  He was an alcoholic and it’s been two years since he drank..  He’s retired and all he has known was to work… he’s ran three businesses in his life… he owned a lumber mill, construction, and a restaurant.  He doesn’t know what to do with his free time.  And that’s the thing that’s when we met was right before he retired.  And so I’m going to encourage him to live to his fullest… lol…      I ask him questions and he’s an I don’t know man… lol… well I tell him… if you’re an I don’t know man… you’re going to allow others to make those decision for you.  And honestly that’s what he wants… he wants to have a partner where she just tells him what to do.. lol..  Well that’s what he thinks he wants… but I don’t think that’s the case.  He just needs to put in some time and attention to himself before he starts attracting mother types… lol.. what he thinks he wants is an exotic mother-type in her twenties… which might happen… but I’d say he doesn’t really want a mother type and what he wants is an equal partnership.  He’s going to have to make decisions… he’s not wanting to make the wrong decision… I told him there’s no wrong decisions… lol.. just because you find out you don’t enjoy something doesn’t mean that it’s wrong… just means to stop wasting your time doing that… lol… avoiding making wrong decisions will stop you from making any… lol.. which might be where i am too… lol… I think I’m a bit more flexible though too.. I’ve worked myself into flexibility.. and my body is wondering why i’m not working on flexibility in all ways… lol…  well we’ll see how it goes, but I’m thinking I’d like him to join too.  And actually we might travel around South America more if he does come and we need time between digging and building… I know I’m open… Argentina is a key destination for me… I want to Tango… lol.. but I’m not sure that’s a destination for us… I’ve got a buddy in Brazil… he’s really into sporty activities which would be a blast, but again might not be the best match for my retired friend… hmmm…ohhh… rainy season… hmmm… maybe take him to the Carnivale in Rio?  He’d love that!!  I was trying to get him and my dad to go this year together… maybe we can set that up for next year… two crazy amazing guys who would love the “scenery”… and then one crazy gal who wants to make costumes to wear… lol… that would be a blast!!  Maybe that could workout perfectly.  Man… could I get my dad to at least come to Peru?  Interesting… maybe?  I can see how my skills are with him not drinking Aya?  That would be awesome… oh man… that would be like a dream come true for me!!!

Ok… well that’s a great thought to end on for now… I’m not going to end up sleeping right now… lol… the recycling center is about to open and I’ll drop off a load.  Dad wants to leave around 11 to go pick up his wife’s car at the tire place… we’ll drop off the car at the house… we’ll drop off the donations to probably goodwill… and about that time we’ll need to head out to the soccer game.  Yay!!! Getting to hang with the kiddos today… well if that’s the case… I might not be on here later tonight because I’ll be crashed… lol… ok until next time.  

[withinUverse]

Ok… I’m still thinking about what I was writing earlier this morning.. hehe… I got a nap in after my nephew’s soccer game… went to the recycling center, picked up my stepmom’s car, dropped the car off, donated items, picked up some fruit and water from store.  A friend of mine knew I’ve been donating a lot of stuff lately so he reached out to see if I could help him too.  He doesn’t have a vehicle right now and he can get rid of quite a bit of clothes and items too.  I told him that we should be able to work something out.  I plan on donating on Saturdays because I’ll already be in the city for the games, but if he wants to fill up the car then we can arrange for another day.  He said he’ll get back with me.  That is a very common response… hehe… many have the best intentions to purge, because they really do want to minimize their belongings; however, to actually do it is something else entirely.  I’ve done this with several of my friends before and I just have to constantly remind them… hey I”m going to donate… do you have any stuff ready to go?  After a while they usually get some things to take.  I know it’s way more effective to actually go and help, but I”m just not feeling it right now.  I really just want to focus on mine and my dad’s stuff.  I’m actually pretty much finished, except for my sewing supplies… I’m still in the air if I want to get rid of two of my machines and possibly some supplies.  I’m already starting on the fabrics… hehe.  I thought there might’ve been a gentleman who might want a sewing machine for his leather work.  We didn’t know if my machines are strong enough and I said we can give it a try, but he decided to wait until he can find an older machine first.  I told him it might be gone soon… hehe..

Anyway I started to look up details about the excavation… honestly this is where I’m in the “what the hell do I actually have to do to get this done”… paperwork, certificates, permits… this is not in my comfort zone.  First of all I looked up mining rules for Peru and I found a website which was in English… it seemed like there was a lot of information, and I’m not certain if most of it applies to our project.  Before I got to this website, I did a quick search on what to do once gemstones are found… because I don’t know that either… But I read some information on the US land rights, and there’s a lot of information that if we happen to find gemstones on our property doesn’t automatically mean it’s our property.,, lol… so I thought great… what are the laws in Peru?  So the website I stumbled across is Lexology: “Mining in Peru” https://www.lexology.com/library/detail.aspx?g=1f774464-ebcc-4949-97f4-80d4271ec26e.  Here’s from their about us page: “Lexology, the intelligent global legal research platform, provides easy access to forward-looking analysis, expert guidance and intuitive tools, helping you stay abreast of change and respond quickly and accurately to legal questions from around the world.”  So… there’s a lot to read and most of it I honestly don’t really understand…lol… this was similar when I was looking up how to open a nonprofit foundation… it’s just unfamiliar territory for me… I’ll have to look up definitions left and right.  But things I mentioned that are going to apply to our situation that I think needs to be addressed.  LOL… this is too funny… I knew I was going to talk about this, but I already sent out a general questionnaire to the government party who is supposed to be in charge of granting permission.  I get excited and I feel it shouldn’t be a big deal to reach out and ask for help… but of course that was impulsive and it would’ve been more effective it I actually processed everything before sending the message.  The thing is I could have made it easier for them… instead of giving them a general statement, but again… shouldn’t be a problem really, but we’ll see if and when they respond.  Back to what might apply to our situation.  

• This might be special circumstances because the land is on indigenous lands and may have special protections.

 

Ok wait… I started copying and pasting from this website but I feel I should explain things for the reason I am going in this direction.  First of all I honestly would not want to deal with the legalities of our project… lol… right… it’s much easier to for my shaman, his family, a few friends, and myself to just do the digging, find what we’re looking for, and then go from there…lol…sounds reasonable to me personally.  However, if by chance we find something of value… say those Amber-like stones may possibly have some value and I’d like my shaman and his family to be able to not have any issues of obtaining the rights to them and also if they want to sell them then they won’t have any problems verifying it’s their property.  Also in the back of my mind I know how much they will want to get money especially if there is something of value we find.  I’m wanting to discuss with them that if there is something valuable… I’d really discourage going crazy digging up the land to possibly find more valuable objects that might or might not exist.  I’d like to see if we can get an agreement where it’s similar to our situation… we would not be digging if I didn’t receive a message in ceremony.  So I’d hope they won’t be digging unless they’ve received messages too.  They are more on the side of lack mentality when it comes to finances and they might assume this will be the only way they can get money… and I’m trying to encourage them… that this is not primarily a financial pursuit.  To be honest and frank… there’s no proof that my visions are even true, but I feel it’s not going to impact the land enough to harm their property and ecosystem that’s been established.  I do not intend to destroy the property.  My intentions are not for profit.  This is primarily a spiritual pursuit.  When I received this message… I’d like to focus on the main rock that I was shown.  And when I saw the other stones… there was a message that might lead to selling them for money.  I have no clue what I’m going to be doing with the rock I am focused on.  Again I got a message about communication… so literally I’m going to be working with it in ceremony to see what that means if anything.  I had thought another huge communication possibility of finding this rock is actually something I would love to share with everyone.  Let’s say this isn’t some crazy vision in the jungle… let’s say I use Aya ceremonies to find this rock… I want to share this discovery… not the discovery of the rock, but validating the use of Aya as a valid practice for spirituality and beyond.  Again I’ve been hearing about Aya communicating to shamans to find things such as master plants and how to find them and even how to combine them… that’s how I hear the combination of the Aya root and the chacruna leaves were found.  And not just in this area of the Amazon, but throughout several villages and cultures throughout the Amazon combined similarly with the Aya root… when there wasn’t easy access to communicate with other tribes or even a desire maybe.  I’m actually getting a message on finding rocks and I hope to use ceremony on how to find them.   I’m getting other messages which is going to take us to other locations on the planet, where again might frown upon the usage of Aya as a valid form or spiritual practices.  If I get to the expedition sometime… I’ll further discuss what I’m saying.  But if I can record and document this process in a more acceptable scientific and legal way… maybe that can help with the proof that most of society looks for to accept something that is unusual to us.  Again… I’ve been shown things I wouldn’t have imagined before… but all I’m curious about is what is it that we really have no clue is possible.  What if more of our collective is drawn to this practice… what other discoveries can we find hidden in ceremony?  I want to be an extremely positive and wellness influence to myself which is ultimately the universe… I’d assume working with Aya… the collective drawn to work in similar fashions will also gain these qualities too.  If I find out that I am to sell this to also gain monetary gain to be able to fund the expedition… then I want to have proof that this is my property to be able to be sold as well.  I’ve spoken to some people about this… and some’s first response it… well isn’t this just symbolism… there’s not really rocks to find, but they represent something else.  I said that is quite possible, but my gut tells me that isn’t the case.  But to be honest why can’t I give it a go?  Why not?  Again many people have many excuses to why we do the things we do… well that would include myself.  I’m probably the most curious of anyone out there.  Again I know that I don’t have to focus on the destination… it just continues to another destination… there’s not a finally point I’m going to… I know that the process is where the magic is.  If I don’t find any rocks… I will not be upset because it’s already pushing me to explore areas I hadn’t before and that excites me.  I’ve been able to link my past with who I am now… so this process will link me to who I am becoming… so it’s not a failure to me.  Of course I’ll probably get some… what are they called trollers? Who will be waiting for me to fail in their eyes… just to say we have proof she is a crazy lady… lol… and what if I am?  I do feel at times I’m quite crazy… lol… but I find it fun to be who I am and whatever label people want to place on me won’t stop me from exploring who i am fully.  It is impossible for me to ignore these messages.  Lol… I know I said I don’t use the word impossible… but that’s how extreme theses messages are for me.  I literally tried to do the “normal” life and I just couldn’t do it… I literally have isolated myself for 6 months and I’ll continue to do it until I figure out how to move forward with these visions.  Believe me when I say this is challenging because of the collective’s opinion on my choices of my life.  I have friends who are asking… what’s your plans? what are you going to do?  Are you going back to Colorado? Did you get the job in Alaska?  When are you going back to Peru?  Definite answers of  exact dates are not in my awareness right now.  I’m working that out right now.  Do I feel pressure that the summer season is right around the corner and within six weeks I could be working seasonal jobs to make money to get this project started?  Yes I  feel the pressure and I’m trying to be conscious that the pressure is from my unconscious conditioning.  It has a remembered idea of what this time of year means.  It has a conditioning of go get it done… this is what has worked in the past… just go! Go do it!  Lol… and I’ve literally been getting messages in ceremony when I’m in an elevated conscious state that i need and want to learn  and appreciate patience!  Patience!  Patience! Patience!  Lol… that’s been constantly communicated… and as I feel I’m working on it… it continues to come into  my messages… so there’s more and more patience I can embody…  and again it’s not like ok I’m finally and ultimately patient… lol… it continues to be deeper and deeper into the message of patience.  There’s not a bottom or a top to patience… if we see patience as infinite… then I’m always in the middle but somehow it feels like I’m getting better at becoming patient… lol.  Ok I feel I need to get that out real quick before I go on. 

So again what applies to our situation?  The first thing comes to me is the cultural concern

1. I’m working with a group that is classified indigenous and their territories I think are classified differently too.

• “Rights of aboriginal, indigenous or disadvantaged peoples

  How do the rights of aboriginal, indigenous or currently or previously disadvantaged peoples affect the acquisition or exercise of mining rights?

  The protection of rights of indigenous and tribal people do not affect the acquisition or exercise of mining rights. However, the Peruvian government has adopted the ILO Convention 169 by which titleholders shall consult indigenous communities domiciled in areas located in projects on previous matters. The government controls the process of prior consultation.”

I’m going to look up the ILO Convention 169, but before I do… Just by other research I’ve looked into with indigenous and their land rights in the Amazon… it’s tricky because many of these lands are not documented.  There’s not a lot of legal proof that this land is theirs… why there are some who are taking indigenous land without permission… setting up farms or illegally mining without much penalties or at least having issues legally being persecuted because of this.  So maybe before I go into the ILO Convention 169… Can I find information on how to see what documentation the government has for this village?

(Ok… before I proceed… lol… I can’t help myself, but I don’t think Ive mentioned this either… I’m really drawn to getting to know the indigenous and aboriginal communities throughout the world.  I didn’t even realize this until fairly recently… I’m very close indigenous in my blood.  My Samoan blood is indigenous and maybe because I was living there when I was a child… it may have had influences that I didn’t know was so deep… but I know this is helping a desire that I want to continue to pursue… how to better understand the rights of indigenous and for my interest… validate their spiritual practices.  In my opinion because they had a little more experience separated from society… their practices seem to be genuinely involved without many influences… Geesh!  This was a challenge to write because again… this is an old thought that was conditioned into… how can I look at this in my reprogramming… In my opinion our indigenous communities had more experience in isolation with our environment.  Because I’m interested in being inclusive with our environment, I’m interested in learning spiritual practices and communication techniques that have been found in our indigenous communities.  I know with the way I learn, I will find how to integrate my spiritual practices and techniques with what I learn.  Honestly I do that already, but I’m more curious about indigenous… lol… we’re just drawn to focus in areas… does there have to be a reason for it?)

 

Geesh!  I apologize… had to take a break again… I continue to be reminded about my obsessive habits… lol… when I get like this I know it’s a challenge in the past to remember to eat and sleep… lol… so I went ahead and grabbed a bite to eat.  I was also engaged in a conversation with a new guy who I met dancing.  He’s been trying to meet up and I’ve been making excuses not only to him but to many people that I’m absorbed in my Journaling process and i find that that’s where I want to place my focus.  But as I was cooking I started thinking… I’m wanting to attract people into my existence.  I’m hoping to find people who can help me through my process and this is one reason I’m finding out why I’m doing a public journal right now, but I also know that the people in my direct experience are just as valuable.  He seems very interesting and I really enjoy his engagements in communication.  He’s involved and not abrupt in his communications so I feel it will be easy to have conversations with him.  He wants to go to a state park, and I know I’d definitely enjoy myself regardless if I go by myself or when I’m with someone.  But that’s a great location to find opportunities to get to know each other more.  I told him about my journaling and he wanted to get the link so he can read it.  I went ahead and shared the link…lol… he’ll definitely get an open book to who I am… if he is interested in actually reading it… lol… I know there’s a lot to digest.  But I realize most people don’t have as much free time as I do.  I have the entire week free to put my focus on my process and he’s only available during the weekends… so I can take some time tomorrow to enjoy getting to know someone new and also enjoy nature.  It’s going to be the coldest day of the month, but that shouldn’t be a stopper lol… I sent a message and I’ll see what he says… lol… He definitely doesn’t know who he’s trying to get involved with… lol… we’ll see where it leads.  I also want to mention… my little buddy helps me take breaks from time to time… I want to be better at taking time with him.  There’s many times where he loves his own space, but when he wants attention… I want to not be too busy to not give him my energy.  I want to build a relationship with him more… so giving my attention is not hard to do.  He’s not a needy little guy so it’s not like most of my time is giving him attention… lol… just a little acknowledgement.  That’s the thing… as these things come up into my experience… i feel like this might not be the time to digest all the legal work… lol… I have many rules I’ve copied and paste… however it’s been hard for me to get to them.  Maybe I’m not aligned to really take a look at it at this time… even though I’d like to, but my focus seems to want to be elsewhere.  We’ll see how it goes.   Hmmm… maybe I’ll go ahead and finish for tonight.  Ok… until next time then

[withinUverse]

Alright today we had a really good time at the state park.  It’s a smaller park so we were able to take all the trails… It was interesting to find a little more out about this gentleman.  He has worked on different projects involving forestry and so I was able to ask some questions I had on my mind in the areas he had participated in.  I did not get his permission to discuss our conversation so I’m not going to go into detail, but I did enjoy myself.  Because we had not had time to have conversations before we were mostly talking instead of really exploring the natural setting.  When I’m on my own that’s what I tend to do… I love taking my time and sitting in places especially here was along a river and if I return I would spend more time along the river.  I’d also like to take some time to take photos too.  We ended up going to a Mexican restaurant to eat afterwards, and again it was interesting… lol… I do want to mention one thing… lol.. we were talking about meditation into active meditation or karma yoga meditation.  I was trying to give him my explanation of what this is and while I was talking to him I could notice that he was distracted and not really listening.. lol… I even mentioned the first time I started meditation and when I found myself absorbed into a thought that all my senses seemed to disappear… I said I used sound as a simple sense to help me be present but when I get engulfed in  a thought sound disappears.  I mentioned I can tell when people get lost in thought when I’m trying to have a conversation with him… we both laughed because he said.. ok yes I admit that I have a tendency to look at someone while we’re chatting but I’m looking right through them so I can be in my thoughts… lol.. I laughed and said that’s perfectly fine.  I’ve been there and it doesn’t happen nearly as often as I once was.  

But I did want to go back to my basics of karma yoga.  I think maybe some may benefit from practicing a bit in their spiritual conscious building habits… maybe… it’s been helpful for me so I thought I might share just a little from the manual I referenced before.  “A Systematic Course in the Ancient Tantric Techniques of Yoga and Kriya,” by Swami Satyananda Saraswati.  Karma yoga is the yoga of action or work.  Its aim is to bring about integration, harmony and union through action.  It is a yogic path that is open to everyone, for we all have to work and perform various activities, whether physical or mental.  In fact, it is most suitable for the modern, activity oriented world and is ideal for those of us who find it easier to do something than nothing… It is through karma yoga that we can start to practice yoga twenty-four hours a day using our actions as a means to gain higher awareness… The regular practice of yoga techniques for a fixed time every day brings many benefits.  Yet one should try to practise yoga throughout the whole day.  This is possible through karma yoga.  Asanas, pranayama, meditation techniques, etc. bring wonderful results, experiences and knowledge, but one must relate these inner experiences, obtained during these practices, to everyday life… There is a tendency to think that work cannot possibly be yoga, and of course mere work is not yoga.  Karma yoga implies something far greater and more profound than work.  It implies selfless, concentrated actions, with awareness… It is the inner experience that is important, and this is something that cannot be conveyed by words.  Swami Satyananda, like his guru Swami Sivananda, affirms and emphasizes the importance of karma yoga in order to know the experience of meditation.  He proclaims, “One should do one task at a time.  Total absorption in any work will gradually train the mind to forget its usual fickleness and unsteadiness.  If you plunge into the work at hand with undivided keenness and attention, you will derive great help in meditation.”   It continues to say…The motto of karma yoga is to: give-give-and give.  The prevailing motto in the world is the opposite, namely to: take-take-and take more.  It is this latter attitude that prevents progress in the spiritual life and the experience of meditation.  All the great spiritual teachers throughout history preached that one should reduce and eventually eliminate all actions and thoughts that are motivated by personal gain.  Of course, this takes time and cannot be done overnight, yet it is absolutely necessary, if one it to eliminate the power of the ego, the obstacle or the veil with prevents the influx of higher consciousness… The world of karma, actions, thoughts, situations and circumstances is a testing ground.  It is a place where one can find out about oneself.  It is a workshop, where the mind-body instrument can be sharpened and made receptive to the influx of higher knowledge and awareness.  It is in the world that we can test if the psychophysical blade needs sharpening.  If it is blunt, which is usually the case, it is through the world of everyday experiences that it can be sharpened to cut through the veil of ignorance.  The word is to be used as a means to tuning the mind-body complex.

(Hmmm… I’m not sure what’s going on.  I’m having a little issue with this entry.  I had written some of my thoughts down, but as I was typing the website would reset on me.  I went to see if everything was erased and good thing not all of it was erased, but still quite a bit was erased… so I’m going to probably try to post more often maybe?  I’ll go ahead and finish my thoughts on karma yoga and then start another response to go back to the excavation project.)  

So I was saying… this explanation of karma yoga I feel gives a good explanation on how I can explain spirituality for me.  It’s not separate from anything I do.  Everything I am experiencing helps me gain higher awareness.  In this forum and in others sitatuions I hear people asking where they should focus their attention first… should it be their spirituality, their purpose, their financials, their sexual relationship… where?  I hear people answering at times… well maybe right now don’t focus on your spirituality… there’s so much you need to do to be able to focus on that.  I chuckle to myself, because again… well first of all I haven’t been able to just stop everything and focus on one thing at a time… I can focus most of my attention in this area, but then this area comes into play, and little of that and a little of this area… they seem to all be entangled.  And when it comes to spirituality… that is always present and involved, if we want to be aware of it.  I think because I put my spirituality as my main focus it was easier for me to work on everything at once… with tendencies to focus a little more on a certain area but not with absolute exclusion of everything else in my experience.

Ok… I want to go ahead and get back to the excavation project.  To make sure I don’t lose anything.  I’ll go ahead and post and then continue another entry.  

[withinUverse]

So the excavation project… I wanted to look at why I seemed to be wanting to stop the approach that I was going on when I was addressing it yesterday.  I was wondering why I was finding it hard to continue with the line of approach I was doing.  What I gathered was I was getting absorbed and about to get lost in theory.  My initial response was to automatically email the INGEMMET to see what I need to do to get the proper paperwork.  I know this is my first time inquiring and planning on moving forward in action so I figured get the information directly from the source.  I could literally read all I can stand on what is involved… who, what, where, and just get lost in areas which might not even apply to our situation.  Instead… go to the source and see what they need from us and then go from there.  I get into the tendency of seeing a larger problem that I want to fix… and honestly I have a project I want to focus on… it has to deal with this larger problem, but I don’t have to focus on the larger problem right now.  I already know people are drawn to address the larger problem already… I might be drawn to address it at another time, but right now… I’ve got my own focus and I think I should just go with that instead of getting involved with everything.  It’s challenging with me to not want to get involved with projects involving the Amazon rainforest and the indigenous tribes in the Amazon.  But I know existence and infinite intelligence has it’s hands deep into this already.  Again maybe in the future I’ll be getting my hands into some of these issues, but right now… I have a project I can focus on and it will be a good way to introduce myself into how to work with the Peruvian government and the indigenous.  It’s best to start with a smaller and intimate project then try to be involved with everything at once… which ….. lol… again if I start to explore and get lost into theory… I tend to do, but I’m making changes to be more grounded.  So yes emailing the governmental agencies that will be directly involved in our project is the first thing to do.  As I was doing some research today I found a website: https://www.mineralplatform.eu/investment/mining-legal-frameworks#peru which is from the EU-Latin America Partnership on Raw Materials.  They had suggestions about working with Peru, and they said,”The Geological, Mining and Metallurgical Institute (INGEMMET) conducts the administrative procedures leading to the granting of mining concessions for medium and largescale mines.  In the case of smallscale mining, the title is granted by the Regional Directorate of Energy and Mines (DREM).”  So I think I didn’t need to email INGEMMET at this time since we are a small scale mining project.  So I found the DREM of the Amazonas email and asked my inquiries.  I’m hoping that’s not going to be too complicated.  In fact I was reading about indigenous communities there might be additional work, but if I remove myself from the paperwork… it should be relatively easy for my shaman and their family to obtain the certificates and permits on their own.  If I’m on the paperwork maybe that’s when it can get complicated so I’ll see what suggestions and information they’ll have for me.  

So I was wondering where do we even taking our findings?  I found that INGEMMET has a geological survey which can determine what it is we actually found… lol… I’m sure if there is anything of value they will be able to direct us from there.  So… what else am I thinking about this project?  I’m thinking about the excavation equipment.  I’m not sure what the size of equipment we’ll be dealing with.  I don’t know if we’ll have to widen the entrance path to the center to even get the equipment back to the spot.  I also know there is an area of concern which is swampy during the rainy season.  I’m thinking I might have to go ahead and build a bridge of some sort to be able to allow the equipment to have access to the center without it getting stuck in the mud.  I also am still wondering what to all build afterwards but I don’t really want to focus on that too much right now.  I feel like we aren’t going to be rushing the building process.  We’ll see what we need to do with our findings.  I wonder how much it would be to buy a small excavating machinery?  Technically we could probably use it with many other projects in the center… and we could also offer it to the village to use too.  I don’t think it’ll be just sitting around a lot.. which is good for machinery.. it needs to be used.  I’m sure the prices will be more reasonable in Peru.  I’m not sure if the small city closer to the village will have the machines for sale.  I saw some but I’d assume they are for rent.  Maybe I can check out the prices in the large city… they’d have them there.  I’m sure we’d be able to ship it but again… haven’t looked into it but this stuff might be better for like my shaman to look into… lol… getting up and down the river is easier for a local for sure and sometimes I could see I’d make it more complicated than it needs to be.  My translator friend is actually with the shaman now with their ceremonies.  I emailed them to check on them… my shaman responded back and sent me a picture of the three of them.  My friend has not responded but that makes sense if he’s at the center right now… he should be detaching himself at this time.  But I hope he responds shortly after.. I could have him help look into prices.  We’re all going to be involved anyway… might have them see what they can find while I try to submit paperwork.  If i get a response fairly quickly we can see what needs to be done for the application process.  I have to admit I like my friend reaching out to the shaman.  He asked my opinion when his friend from Japan reached out her interests in Aya ceremonies.  I gave him my opinion but I didn’t have to be the middle man.  I want them to get more familiar with each other.  I feel they’ll be getting to know one another which will be helpful for our future projects.  And I’m hoping he gets to know the family while he’s there.  Particularly the sons who will be joining us on the expedition.  Lol.. I’ve been hesitant a little to even tackle the expedition project at this time… lol… this one threw my into a loop.  A lot more complicated theory to try to manage.  I’m hoping if I can get the experiences in this excavation project I’ll get a better understanding how I can use ceremonies to help me get more answers for this expedition.  Lol… ok I’ll try to entertain it and see where it goes.  

So again I mentioned I want to ground myself more in ceremony.. so in theory if I participate in more dietas this will give me a better start, which also gives me more experience with Aya too.  I haven’t put my intentions into Aya yet to be guided specifically to a purpose.  I’m not sure how to do that, but again this project will give me a better understanding.  I’m assuming that I will be able to learn how to do this… which in turn I can use when I’m doing the expedition in the mountains.  So my messages for the mountains came from many sources and I have to admit… I’m uncertain if I’m connecting the dots accurately or not.  So I have to be open that I might not be in alignment with the project yet.  Because of that I’m wondering if it’s even appropriate to theorize what the possible approach would be to get this up and going.  Should I just wait to have more ceremonies to get better clarification?  Possibly.. but I also know that experiences aren’t linear and separated though either.  Even though I want to put my focus into the excavation project I’m certain that I’ll also be training for my expedition too.  At least that’s how it seems to me in my experiences… again I know there’s a group involved… I don’t know all of the members but I got a good idea of who I’m going to be asking and I know there’s going to be a group of professionals, whom I don’t know, that I’ll need to be training from and some might have to go with us too… I’m not sure.  Should I entertain the thoughts I have already in this expedition?  Hmmm….I don’t see how it can hurt, right?  I feel if I’m supposed to take a break from the approach I’m using I can get a message.  I just wonder if I’m getting lost in the theory like I was yesterday?  Well… I won’t know until I go through the process.. let’s see where it takes us.  

So what do I have the feeling this might involve?  We will be going to Nepal and we will be taking an expedition into the mountains… I feel like we might be looking for a water source but I’m not definite.  I also have the feeling the group is going to be taking horses with us… now that doesn’t mean we won’t be taking other animals, but I feel the horses are involved.  It’s crazy about these horse messages I’ve been getting.  This started near the beginning of my ceremonies.  In fact I had a message about the horses early on and I had forgotten until the recent message about them returned to me in ceremony… only then did i remember I already been getting messages.  So again similar to what I was saying earlier.  The timeline is not a linear fashion in life… When I was getting these images I thought they were different than being taken to an expedition.  That was not part of the messages when I was seeing them.  To be honest I thought they were tied to my spiritual lover… lol.. for some reason I thought maybe he or at least his family were involved with horses.  But there’s one horse in particular that I’m drawn to have messages about…. I think it’s a she… lol… i don’t know why but I feel she and I are going to be close… we’re going to be “the heart” of the team.  Every time I see her I think we are the heart… again this is just how I feel when I think about the ceremony… I think she’s going to be my horse.  I have ridden a horse what three times in my life… lol… I never thought I wanted a horse.  I think they are gorgeous animals and of course I’d love to get to know them better, but it wasn’t like the first time I saw them I thought… I’m going to have a horse when I grow up… lol… but now… I know I’ll have a horse… I’m going to find this horse and we’re going to be the heart together.  Even if it ends up not being part of the expedition… this horses is in my future… lol… and that makes me excited.  I’ve been looking into horses more.  I volunteered with a guy in the village in Colorado.  He has a company who does trail rides in Colorado in the summer and then Texas in the winter.  He thought I just wanted to learn how to ride a horse, but I told him I want to know how to take care of a horse.  What do they need?  So he let me feed and water them and also brush them… I’d muck their..lol… I again don’t have the vocabulary in this area.. but the corral maybe yeah I think that’s what it’s called… hehe… I saw the different types of horses there.. not all of them but a good variety of them.  I also gained some experiences with mules too.  I’m not sure what type of breed she will be… I know when I was searching different breeds of horses… I thought I might be leaning towards a draft horse.  Let’s see what I can find real quick to explain the breed a bit… Ok here’s a website: https://horses.animal-world.com/Draft-Horse-Breeds/information/draft-horses.php The article is titled, “All About Draft Horses.”  I like to simply describe them as gentle giants.  The article starts, “Draft Horses are very strong, heavy workhorses with a patient and docile demeanor!  Draft Horses are the largest of the horse breeds. They were bred for hard, heavy tasks… The Draft horse breeds are called cold blood horse breeds in reference to their quiet and calm temperament. Heavy horse breeds weigh 1600 pounds or more. They stand about 15.2 to 20 hands high from the ground to their withers, where one hand equals 4 inches. They are slower, but much more powerful than the light horse breeds…Draft horses are tall in stature, heavy boned, and extremely muscular.The personality of the Draft horses is sweet tempered. They have a natural curiosity and willingness to learn, which has led to their being well suited to a variety of pursuits. For pleasure they are used for driving, trail riding, parades, and showing. Draft horses make wonderful companion horses and are favored for their docile demeanor… They are proud, alert, and intelligent and they are noted for having common sense… Most Draft horses are easy keepers. They are not particularly prone to health problems. Good grooming is essential, however, as their coats can get heavy in cold climates… With their calm personalities some are used for therapeutic riding programs, helping people with disabilities learn to walk by the feel of the horse's movement. Draft horses are often crossed with lighter breeds to create a large light horse. By adding the strength of the draft horse, it creates a durable competitive sport horse.”  I’m not sure why… but i seem to be drawn to the gentle giant type.  Again I’m uncertain if this is what she’ll be, but it is fun to start exploring more about these amazing animals.  I asked myself if I had a horse what would I want their lives to be like.  To be honest mostly as a pet I would say… lol.. I’d like them to be wild and free and able to explore and play.  I’d like to create a close bond.  I cannot find the location I found a few months back, but it’s building a relationship with the horse instead of training a horse.  Again I mostly want it to be a horse but I want to create a horse-man-relationship… so horsemanship that we both find a way to communicate and we both benefit from our relationship together.  I’m sure I’ll want to ride her, I might even use her for some work, I’ll probably want to dance with her… lol… I know getting to know her will be therapeutic and will help me understand myself more and my relationship to not only the horse, but in all relationships.  

There was a part of my vision that I saw my spiritual lover sitting on top of a horse… it seemed like there might have been a small row of horses behind him.  I have to say he looked mighty sexy on that horse…lol… but I saw that we all were a really good team.  Oh man… I remember when I was in this vision I got the feeling… that I was starting something… like a project and I started doing all the research into it and just getting it up and going… and then it seemed my spiritual lover stepped in… we didn’t need to say anything really… I allowed him to take the lead because I trusted him… and well we trusted each other.  The whole message about not needing to say anything really sang to me strongly… I felt like a part of me was wanting to ask questions or even create some type of label on our relationship…lol… but when we were together.. it wasn’t necessary… it just all fell into place naturally without having to say a thing.  It was even like the team we were working with didn’t need an explanation of our relationship… it was just known.  It is what it is.  That part of the vision wasn’t at least remembered the first time I saw the horse.  The first time started like the second time.. I’m just staring at this beautiful dark horse… she’s so big and beautiful… she’s hardly moving just looking back at me with her hair softly blowing in the wind…with her deep piercing eyes.  Right now  I feel my whole chest area slightly vibrating and feels like it’s warm… I’m really looking forward to learning more about horses and finding her… lol… I’m not sure how my little buddy Elvis with think about this… lol… he doesn’t know that when I get some land… I want to extend our furry family to horses and dogs probably… and maybe mules and goats.. who knows really… I’m not sure I’d call it a farm but something similar.. i think.  I was laughing at myself… because if i do go on this expedition I was wondering if I’m going to be taking my little buddy with me… lol… First I thought no.. that would be too dangerous and a lot of work… but of course I’m like… I’ve got time to train him… build a stronger relationship with trust so maybe he would be able to allow me to carry him while we’re riding on the back of a horse.  Who knows… it might just work out… if not that’s fine too… but it doesn’t hurt to dream about it… maybe dreaming about it will help it manifest…

well I started with the whole horses…so if they are involved with this expedition then there was a lot I need to learn.  Not only will I need to learn what to feed them and how to take care of them, what to do in case of injury… but also our group will have to learn how to be with them too.  I don’t think any of the people I know are familiar with horses.  So I thought I’d have to do some team building events before we go.  Shoot… I didn’t know if our group is going to fall in love with their horses.. so maybe this will be a gift for them to participate in the expedition with me… lol… We have to train in the mountains… I’m not sure what seasons but maybe different seasons depending on where our adventure leads us.  I highly doubt we’re going to Everest or anything like that… i guess I don’t know but I don’t think so.  I’m guessing there’s a lot of the mountain range that isn’t traveled a lot by people.  I’m assuming if there is a water source to be found… again it won’t be on the known tourists routes… but I’m not sure.  Also we have to think about the altitude.  I know it takes a while for humans to adapt or adjust to the altitude difference in the mountains… maybe it’s the same for horses?  I’m not sure.  At first I was thinking that the horses and possibly mules would have to also be the pack animals, but I’m not sure if I’m still wanting that.  I feel having a helicopter would be handy for the packing loads.  Yeah I think we can carry somethings with us, but I think the bulk of the camp would be transported by a helicopter instead.  Oh man… I’ve gone so much into how to plan for this… it’s pretty crazy lol… but it’s also fun… I’m not even sure how to describe all that I’ve been thinking of, but I’ll give it a go, but I feel like I’m getting tired  now and I think this would be a good time to take a break… until next time, then…

[withinUverse]

 Alright… where to begin… I’ll just say I’m a little giddy right now… I just got off the phone with the facilitator gentleman who was a part of my first 10 ceremonies.  We’ve been in communication off and on… he’s been drawn to work deeply with mapacho and he’s the one who introduced me to the shaman who primarily works it’s mapacho… not Aya.  He’s going to see if he can share his number with me… so I can ask questions about dieta.  So each shaman has their own procedures on how they approach dieta.  What I gathered from my friend is that he does a concentrated dieta where the master plants are drank each day for seven days.  It’s more on the intense approach, but if I want to continue working with mapacho… which might be the case because I am drawn toward mapacho and I also can assume this would be the ideal teacher to ground and I know that’s where I need more assistance with.  It’s a steep price for his dietas… more than I expected… but really it’s not too surprising… most will decide to put a pretty price tag on medicine, because most of the participants are not local Peruvian.  I can not see a local being able to pay those prices.  For a week would be a year salary for them… lol… but I do want to try him out, because of how closely he works with mapacho.  The thing is I thought it would be more like a monthly dieta and I guess it could go up to 14days.  That’s actually similar to the other shamans I’ve been asking about mapacho dieta… hmmm… I want to have communications and see how it goes and see what I’m drawn to do.  Like always I explain a little about what I want to do and there’s always a warning to not work with too many different shamans.  I pretty much have to say up front that that’s how I work.  I learn from every single shaman… if not every single person now… lol… so if that’s a problem then they’re not the people to continue working with… at least for now.  But he’s located in Iquitos and I haven’t been there in years, so I’d love to at least go and visit friends I know.. and of course meet some more interesting peeps.  We’ll see how it goes… that’s the thing there are two other shamans I would like to do dieta with and my friend said if I find that I want to work with mapacho seriously then he’d suggest to stick with his dieta program and then afterwards go to other shamans.  That just doesn’t seem like my style, but I honestly don’t know until I’m there and going through it will I know for sure.  I’d like to be able to communicate with the shamans before hand to give them an idea I’d be coming so they can be aware and prepare.  I’m pretty comfortable with the other shamans where they’d be more laid back and aren’t so popular I guess would be a way to describe them.  Plus I know their prices are much more reasonable.  One of them I want to work with is right outside of Iquitos too.. so I can still visit my friends if I decide not to go to my friend’s suggested shaman.  We’ll see… I just was super giddy talking about ceremony and just life in general.  Most people would describe me as bubbly… and I can say for a good part of the time that’s a good description… but I think because I’m bubbly they relate that to naive and ditsy… and I allow them to make whatever judgements they want to make.  But I’m positive doesn’t’ ‘mean I haven’t gone through shit… but that’s what my work helps me to become… happy so I’m going to be happy… lol… and I know I feel that triggers people… but again I don’t care if I’m a trigger anymore…lol… whatever reactions people have to me is a lesson for them not me… I just need to be me without trying to change myself to make others comfortable around me.  That’s the thing… I knew I was a presence, but I also knew many people were uncomfortable with it… so I’d tone it down… but damn it… I’ve been shedding many skins and I’m not wanting to stay small as I grow.  I’d like to be where I am regardless.

Ok in a bit I’ll go into the conversations I had with the new guy at the hike in the park yesterday.  We were messaging thanking each other for the conversation and time we spent with each other.  I got his permission to discuss what we talked about.  He said that’s fine.  I told him it’s probably going to be briefly mentioning the topics we discuss… but then I just process what comes to mind based on our conversations.  Again we attracted each other and I’m sure I can gain benefits from the experience we shared… so might as well take a look at it deeper.  But I’ll go on with this purging material stuff of my pops that I’m working on.  I looked a few places in Indy which takes many of the items he has been collecting.  So I packed the trunk and the back seat completely… lol… I’m pretty good at Tetris so I was pretty happy with what I could fit in.  This will not be my last trip to these locations… lol… there is so much to clear out.  But I also thought it was good that my dad kept all of these things.  They didn’t go into the landfills.  There’s more options now and at least they’ll be in locations that will be able to disassemble and process in a more environmentally ethical way.  Also even though this isn’t my stuff… going through the process feels like it’s still cleansing myself too.  I got my dad to help put his big screens into the car… and take another look at the items I plan on taking in case there’s something he still wants to keep… it was pretty good he just kept a few items back but mostly he said the majority can go.  He even helped me with a few speakers too… so that’s a positive.  He doesn’t want to do what I’m doing… but I also know he’d gain benefits if he went through it with me.  He doesn’t have to do it all the time, but if I can get him in there a little bit… he can get an idea of what it takes to do it, because I cannot do it all for him.  That reminds me when I first arrived… he was occupied with a project of digging a cellar… hmmm… I think it’s around 12’x16’ and I think he want’s to go 8’ down… it’s pretty huge especially since he’s digging with a shovel and sifting out the gravel and rock as he’s doing it.  He said he’d pay me $10/hour to help him….lol… I did it one day and said dad… there’s no way I want to continue doing this.  It seems like you’re motivated to occupy your time doing this… there’s other things I can help you with that you are avoiding… like a huge elephant of stuff upon stuff everywhere.  I’d better be able to help you in this area and you don’t have to pay me… lol… I know you’ll feel better.  So I thought I’d go drop it off tomorrow but my dad has one of his movie days planned out already.  I’m not sure if I mentioned this before.. but sometimes he’ll go and watch matinees on Tuesday where he’ll watch three to four movies in a row.  It’s pretty surprising how cheap he can do it.  They all know him and I swear they give him more discounts then they already have for Tuesdays.  But we were discussing that maybe I can drop him off and then pick him up later.  The thing is it’s not going to take me four hours to recycle these items… I could watch two of the movies with him… but I don’t know if I can do two movies in a row… lol… shoot I might do trips to the centers instead…lol… in four hours I’d be able to drive back to our home town an hour away and drop a second load and still make it back to pick him up with time to spare probably.  I already have items ready for the next load.  Actually that’s what I think I’ll do.  I told him I wasn’t sure and I’ll see how I feel.   And I know I’m really not interested in the movies he’s watching and two movies is a lot.  I went to the movies for the first time in many years and they have extra large recliners and all to make it comfortable but that seems a bit too much for me… lol.  I usually don’t like to drive the car that much because it gets overheated at times.. but I think I can work it all out.  It will be so freaking nice to get all this shit out of the garage.  If I can get it done all in one day that would be even better.  I need to find where I can drop off old televisions and also fans.. lol.. there’s so many fans in there.  I can wait for other recycling drop-offs but they’re only on Saturdays except the fourth Saturday of the month… which of course is this weekend.  But I’ll check it out and see what I can do.  I can ask again at these locations… most people want money to take them, but I know there’s a way to get it for free. So I might just wait for it…lol… it would be so nice to get it done though.

Oh… as I was cleaning up to go inside… I lost my corn cob pipe… I’m usually pretty good at finding things, but I couldn’t find it.  And as I’m looking for it I’m thinking.. well I keep wanting to stop smoking the pipe so habitually… maybe this is a sign to take even more seriously… but then another voice was also saying… well you’ve got your grandpa’s pipe still…lol… so yeah I grabbed my grandpa’s green pipe and I’m using it for tonight.  Man… that’s why I really want to participate in the mapacho diet… I know it helps me ground, but I know I smoke when I don’t need it though either.  It’s been a slow processes slowing down my usage.  But I know I can be better at being deliberate with it.  I know I don’t like smelling like smoke and I’ve got a pretty smile but there’s that yellowish stain on them… it’s not terrible, but I have looked into possibly purchasing something to help with the whitening process… the one I’m looking at also uses light technology to help with bacteria too… but I don’t particularly want to purchase it until I’ve quit.  I don’t really smoke that much, in my opinion.  And there are certain times when I don’t even think about it.  When I’m with the kiddos normally it’s easy not to think about it.  When I’m dancing too.  But when I’m doing flow states it seems that’s when I really enjoy it.  So when I’m engaged in an art project, or ceremony, or even journaling.  I know other techniques to help ground me and it’s a time thing… when I can smoke I just take a puff or two and that’s all I need and that’s a 10 second option… other options involve a lot more time… but I would like to make a more conscious effort.  Every morning I’m talking to myself about the damn pipe… why would I need it right when I wake up.  And when I have something planned in the morning it doesn’t even bother me to not do it.  When I find taking the first puff of the day it tastes bad.  I always seem to be regretting it now… so yeah it’s time to push myself a little harder than I normally do.  I got a funny story about finding things… well a few stories I guess.  So back maybe seven years I was part of a co-ed softball team… our team was mostly the party team and not there for the competition.  Most of our players didn’t even know how to play the game… lol… so yeah we would be drinking during our games and we’d have at least two games a night.  One night I realized I was missing my phone.  The next day was raining so I didn’t go back to the field but the second day I returned and I search both fields for my darn phone.  I played center field and so I had a large area to cover… but I didn’t find it the first day… I returned the following day and low and behold I found the sucker… and it was still working… lol… Yeah there’s been a few times like that… I just usually good at not giving up and finding it.  Actually once I was camping on the beach in Hawaii with my dad and my bag was raided my locals.  There was a group of locals who lived on the beach and they took my grandpa’s pipe and my cash.  I was talking to them… I told them I don’t care about the cash, but that pipe means a lot to me and explained it was my grandpa’s.  I also assumed they thought it was a pipe to smoke drugs out of… people assume I’m smoking weed with it and I always have to convince people that it’s just tobacco.  So I mentioned that to a few of the locals… hey it’s just a tobacco pipe… if none are going to use it then I might as well get it back.  Thankfully they ended up placing my grandpa’s pipe on our picnic table a few days after…. Lol… again I usually don’t give up.  There’s one time I can remember that I did give up even though I was fighting it… I just couldn’t get any results.  I was in Australia at the time… it was actually New Years Eve… I was taking a public bus to the location I was going to watch the fireworks along Sydney Harbor.  I left my wallet which is just a little bag… I literally found it missing when I got off the bus.. but the bus was driving off and it didn’t stop when I was trying to wave it down.  I waited for the next bus to see if they have communications with the other buses… they do not I guess.  And by then I wasn’t using phone service and I was only a week in Sydney and so trying to figure out who to call and which facility to go and check was a bit of a challenge.  I had my money, my debt cards, and my ID… thankfully my passport was in my suitcase, but the main thing was I just placed my grandparents original wedding ring in there.  I had worn that ring on my finger for almost twenty years.  Rarely did I even take it off but for some reason I decided to take it off and it was lost.  So when I was my grandpa’s nurse I got the green pipe… when I was my grandma’s they let me have some of her clothes, but my aunt took me aside and wanted to thank me for all the help I gave to the family that she wanted to give me their original wedding band.  It meant a lot to me.  They were only 16 to 18 years old when they got married.  They didn’t have money to buy anything too fancy.. there weren’t any stones.  It was a gold band and had thin silver bands on the outside and inside the gold there were engraving of stars all around it.  It wasn’t too gaudy which was perfect for me… I always loved the two toned color because it felt like it represented both of them together.  But anyway the few people I met in that week were so awesome and helped me out.  They helped get the information for me to go and search it out.  I’d return each week for the two months I was visiting and nothing.  They fronted me cash for a few days.. most of my stays were already paid for… but that’s when I started using western union to send myself money…lol… I still wish I would’ve ended up finding that ring, but I also know that losing that ring won’t stop me from remembering my grandparents and their love and my love for them.  I lose my stuff quite a bit actually when I travel… lol.. I’ve gotten so much better at not freaking out, but definitely started with panic for sure… it just seems like the panic doesn’t last that long the more it happens.  I’ve gone through it so many times and always seem to figure out how to handle it that it doesn’t effect me as strongly as it once had.  Anyway… I feel like I’m not too worried if I don’t find the corn cob pipe… I literally got it for free but now that I’m using my grandpa’s pipe… I don’t want to lose that too… lol… but what happens is supposed to happen… if I can just use it for ceremony though I can place it in my ceremony case and it has a better chance to not get accidentally lost anywhere.  Yeah I’m ready though… I kind of used smoking as a way to repel men…lol.. I thought maybe if I smelled like smoke it wouldn’t be attractive.  But I know many found it an easy way to approach me… seeing a girl smoking a pipe is not a usual site… lol.. but I’m not afraid to attract men or women in my experience.  I don’t need excuses to repel anymore.  Lol… honestly going to buy tobacco at the store also gave me a good excuse to buy a lottery ticket now and then… lol… I used to never bury these tickets.  I think maybe the month after I returned from my first round of ceremonies… oh yeah… I left something behind at a gas station.. I cannot even remember what it was right now.. but I was driving back to get it and I just started seeing number really standing out to me… It wasn’t anything I’ve experienced before but when I went to pick it up I ended up buying scratch offs with the numbers that popped out and I won close to three hundred dollars.  It was pretty cool to win.  It was Christmas time and I remember I took my ex’s daughter to the place I was working seasonally as a second job… I don’t know if you’ve heard of Lush but it was pretty cool spot and I took her on a shopping spree for Christmas.. she loved it… and we knew we weren’t going to be spending much time together so it was even like a going away party for us.  She’s an amazing girl… college girl now.  I still have my eyes on her… I’d love to take her to Peru one day.  She was studying Japanese in school too… so maybe we can go to Japan together… I’ve always wanted to visit.  I’ve always cared for my relationships… it’s hard for me to ignore it or just forget about it… even though we decided our romantic relationship wasn’t going to work out.  I know it might sound crazy, but if I had an abundance of money… and I have that idea of hiring people to work on making themselves happy… I always think about my exes… I want them to be happy still.  Just because we didn’t work out romantically doesn’t mean they aren’t great guys and their happiness is still important to me…lol… my exe of 13years… with him having his fist son now… I’d love to give him the chance to be a stay-at-home dad at this time with his son… he’s been waiting for this for so long.  Well… maybe something can work out… I just don’t even know if he’d accept anything from me… I hope so.  I know that I’d want that as well.  I would love to spend attention and time with my children… I always had an agreement with my dad that he’d be one of the first options for babysitter…hehe… he’s given up on me now… lol.. i told him there’s still a chance… lol… but yeah I’d love for my partner and i to spend most of our time raising our family.  Of course we’ll accept help from our tribe, but I’m hoping my partner is just as excited about our family as I would be.  Even say we adopt… really getting a chance to build a bond would be a necessity for us.  I’d love to do that for my brother too.  He’s got four children and they’re growing up so fast… he’s always working to provide for them… if I can offer him an opportunity to not have to work in that manner.. in another manner… there’s still work to be done, but spiritually and that would allow him to have more time to share with the family… which also will allow his wife time for herself as well.  Yeah maybe I’ll go into that for a little bit…

What if I hired people to really focus on their spirituality?  To me.. I feel like that’s the most important discovery for each of us.  If they can get to the point where they can understand that most of their past was a conditioning by unconscious or lower conscious selves.  Able to work out their embarrassment, their shame, and their guilt… their fear… able to not live with that holding them back.  What would that create?  What would they share?  What could we collaborate together?  I know I’ve talked about this… but I guess I’m going another round…lol… that’s where my thoughts are.  It want to give them freedom to explore what draws their attention.  Some won’t need much they already have list of things they know they enjoy and they’ll start there.  But I know many who don’t know what they like… so I’d definitely give them suggestions… but the thing I want this to be collaborative group too.  So I guess I can start there… I’d give them like a package to start off with if they want it I guess it… I thought about providing them equipment for them to make videos and able to have group discussions.  I want them to have freedom but I also want it to be a learning process too.  So I would like them to document their journey.  I know there are different ways to document, but I thought at least being able to communicate in groups will be helpful so they’re not just getting my guidance but others who are participating in this experiment, i guess we can call it.  Right I don’t know maybe there’s people doing this already but I haven’t heard of it.  I want them to try their best to document the process… try to encourage them not to pick and choose what’s best to be documented.  See the true process of this type of work.  Mostly it will be for them to see their progression.  So let’s say it’s a year agreement to start off so they don’t feel like its a huge commitment.  But there can be a lot of growth within a year.. so see how they started to where they came within a year.  I can assume everyone will be different… some may have huge changes and some might not have much.  But again I feel I can work with each one individually of what I can edit in their videos to be able to share with the group.  Hopefully some will even agree to share on like a website for the public to see their journey too.  If we have a variety of personalities I feel the public would be able to gain a similar relationship to us.  Ideally see that the public can do this too.  Hopefully everyone sees how beneficial focusing on their happiness leads to creating a happy world.  Focusing on happiness doesn’t mean there’s a huge rollercoaster of emotions that are going to have to be looked at.  But again finding our own authenticity away from the conditioning isn’t extremely easy, right… not many people have been successful at it.  But people are successful… so everyone can be successful too.  I thought of having equipment and programs for the editing process.  Even having team building events on how to do that.  i thought about hiring an editing team to edit the videos because I don’t want to go and do that all the time… lol… i wouldn’t be doing anything else.  But maybe each person can do their part.  Especially if they don’t have any other obligations… they should have more time on their hands.  But maybe there are individuals who would love to do that.  But the thing is… is they’re being hired full time doing these projects.. I’d want them to be involved with the whole process.  Especially to capture the subtlety of behavior and not overlooking nuances.  The editing process can complete change the context especially if they don’t have the direct experience of what the work involves.  I know I can’t plan every detail but sometime I try… lol… but that would be one of the agreements would be to document… whether it’s daily or every other day.. but a consistent track.  I’d have them submit their entries without editing which would be confidential… but I want to observe and learn too… so I know I’d find it valuable to hear their stories.  When it comes to sharing… that’s when we can edit… I can give them an opportunity to make their edits, but again… I might find something that would be crucial to not edit out… so we’d have to agree on what’s being shared.  If they have privacy issues… I thought of even hiring animators… lol… but they can have their own page or something so the public can follow their story.  I’m not sure if it’s going to be a shared video each month maybe… or once a quarter… i think that might have to be figured out while we’re doing it.  And maybe it might be different with each one… I’m not sure.  But the people who find there’s not much change in the direction they are wanting… we can brainstorm on how to encourage them to make those changes from different perspectives… all supportive and constructive.  I mentioned team building already, but I would love to setup a lot of team building opportunities… I would love to do a variety of events… I have ideas already, but I’d like for everyone to be able to make suggestions too.  Now I think I said… I’d want them to take vacation more than they normally would in a career.  They can take vacations with their families and friends, but the requirement would be solo vacations.  Probably at least once a quarter.  I’m not sure maybe twice a year could be a good start.  It’s hard because what I feel would be helpful may not apply to everyone.  Going back to watching their videos… I know I’d be able to get a feel of possible suggestions to try out…. Lol… i know I’m a crazy when it comes to dancing… but I know I’d love to suggest dancing for everyone.  It just has a wholistic approach to self and social discovery that I feel can be very beneficial.  90% of people will want to reject it at first… and because of that that’s why I’d recommend it… it will get them out of their comfort zones.  Shoot… I can see me literally going to everyone that’s apart of this and starting their dance lessons with them… lol… there’s so many options to dance that we’d go and see which one they’d like to try.  And figure out how to create a schedule for the year.  It’s benefits might not be obvious until we immerse into the experience.  It’s hard to think about anything else then dancing while we’re dancing… it’s a great way to focus our attention away from any issues we might be going through.  There’s many other options than dancing, but I cannot help myself… i feel our communities need a little more dance in our lives.. lol… I’m biased but I’d add a little more art and music into their experience too.  So maybe I can have them choose our of the three… dance, music, or art… then we can find a class to get them involved with.  now if they happen to be already drawn to these areas… then we’ll have to figure out alternatives.  I want to introduce variety to gain more experiences that might take them out of their comfort zone.  Again… I’d be seeing if they are willing to do these things or not.  Right… that’s why I want to have an agreement before we start.. because I want them to make a true effort into this process.  If they are resisting the entire time… I might conclude they aren’t ready to do this for themselves.  So I can give them a break and have them go back to whatever makes them comfortable.  I hope that even a year under this intentional look into themselves will have changes to mindfulness that might be subtle but they will hopefully be more aware if they choose to go back and do what they were doing before.  I had thought how can I give them incentive for sharing too. Figure out a way to give them bonuses after each year of active participation.  I could see myself gong and visiting with them in their home space.  I can really get a better idea of where we’re at when we’re in person.

It’s strange but I kind of see my already working my way to doing this already.  No I don’t pay anyone to work on their spirituality… but I do have in depth conversations with many.  I like to check in on them and sometimes I’ll go visit to really get a sense of what’s going on in their reality.  Also in person the conversations again feel like they get deeper.  I know we’re already on our spiritual journey regardless if we know it or not.  I know when I think about this it sounds good, but also it sounds like a lot of time and energy too.  It similar to how I am approaching ceremonies now.  I thought I would just share with everyone I meet, but that is not the case anymore.  I’m much more selective of who I share my time, attention, and energy with in ceremony.  I love my freedom and man I know that this would take a lot of my freedom away.  But is there a way to do it where it doesn’t have to have so much opportunity to get drained?  I’d have to schedule all the time….lol… I’ve been learning to go with the flow without a schedule.  And dang it… I know I’m going to have my own family and whatever that looks like… I want to be able to be with them as much as I want… not feeling like a have responsibilities to all.  that’s a huge message for me right now.  I feel like I have always wanted to figure out how to do as much as I can do for as many people as I can.  But what I can imagine right now seems like that would be my entire life focusing my attention, time, and energy for everyone else.  I’ve always thought I’d be an entrepreneur one day… but I don’t know it that’s really what I want to do.  I know how much that involves and again how I imagine it right now is that will stop my freedom.  Maybe what i call freedom isn’t the same as others maybe… but right now I spend time doing what I want with whom I want as long as I want.  Now I know to the degree I know is possible is still something I’m working to create.. but in general this is what makes me happy.  I can assume if I had my own business… that would not be the case.  Again I already I know the work I do isn’t classified as a job or even work to most.. but yet it works for me.  And I’m ok if it doesn’t make sense to others. In fact, I find myself wanting to work with people in projects they are working on.  I love volunteering my time… I love to learn new things… when i approach in this way… how it goes determines how long I participate.  I might be able to help groups connect with other groups… people to connect with other people, maybe?  I like to be curious about a large variety of things which led to a large diverse network.  Well… I know I’m going to continue to share ceremonies… so it’s not like I’m completely not going to share ceremony.  So maybe I can still be able to try the experiment but not to just everyone… but who I’m drawn to.  I can be more selective.  Honestly… this expedition I’m think of… that’s the group I’d want to focus on first… I’d like them to get as prepared mentally, physically, and spiritually for this exploration.  I can imagine it’s not going to be comfortable for any of us.  Getting them prepared having time without many distractions will be something to learn.  It’s best to learn it before the expedition.  I know there is tons of projects I want to be involved with well I want the team to be involved with.  That’s the thing… I have these memories of building a business or nonprofit before my last ceremonies.  Now that I’ve had these ceremonies I’m more drawn to creating them into reality than any other idea I had before those experiences.  I just remember them and they were good ideas, but it wasn’t going to lead to a life I’m wanting to really create for myself.  It was a life that was acceptable for society and what I should be doing in their eyes.  Lol… I think I was or am getting myself out of Savior/Messiah Complex.

This popped into my mind and so I wanted to look it up… I’ll go ahead an use the website from WebMD https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/savior-messiah-complex#:~:text=Wanting to help others can,be more serious in others. The author is Kristen Fischer.  She starts, “Wanting to help others can be good for your health. But if you feel like you have to do it and put aside your own well-being to do so, it can be problematic… If you have a messiah complex, you may feel like you are destined or called to save others. You may feel responsible for helping others. You may have good intentions if you try to come to the rescue (at your expense). Or you may try to play savior for more self-serving reasons such as a desire for praise, power, or a sense of self-worth… 

What Are the Symptoms of a Savior Complex?  You may have a messiah complex if you:

Want to help other people. If you like helping others, you may volunteer a lot or even try to save others in an extreme situation that may harm you. There are benefits of helping others, of course. When the time put in starts interfering with your well-being, it can become a problem for yourself, those in your life, and others you’re trying to help. For example, you may think that sacrificing sleep to do a good deed isn’t too damaging. But over time, the physical and mental effects can be toxic.

Want better self-esteem or self-worth. Self-esteem is based on what you do (while self-worth is more about who you are). You may crave either or both, which is why you may set out to help others and neglect yourself. While wanting to feel a sense of self-worth or self-esteem isn’t necessarily a negative thing, it can become damaging to you or others.

Havecodependency. If you feel responsible for another person’s needs -- and enable them to fill those needs, even if they’re negative -- you may be more prone to experience a messiah complex or pathological altruism. If you are already looking to save others you know (that’s the case with codependency), you may look to save others you don’t know,too.

Think you know what’s better for others. You may be prone to a messiah complex if you believe you know what’s best for others. That can lead to an irrational impression that you’re helping others. In other words, your good deed could backfire on the person you’re trying to help. 

Crave power over others or self-worth. You may start out genuinely wanting to help others and find that you crave the power that it gives you. Then you may stop wanting to help others but only do it for the power or feelings of self-worth. In other cases, people may help others and have a savior complex solely because they want power and self-worth.

How Can a Messiah Complex Harm Me?  Even if you truly want to help others (that’s called altruism), feeling like you have to help others can:

Put you in danger physically if you try to save someone in a dangerous situation

Affect your mental state, especially if you aren’t able to save the other person

Cause you to neglect your own physical needs, which could lead to illness

Lead you to get burned out

Affect your personal relationships

Negatively affect the person or people you’re trying to help

You don’t have to have a mental disorder to experience a savior complex. You may start helping others with good intentions and continue that way, or develop a messiah complex over time. Some people help others at their own expense because they want to feel good about themselves or they want to feel like they’re in control of others. Just because you experience a savior complex doesn’t mean that it goes on to hurt others, but it can be harmful to your general health or theirs.

What Should You Do If You Have a Savior Complex?

Helping others isn’t bad. It can have plenty of health perks. But sometimes when you do good things for others, you may not take care of yourself. Even the best of intentions can have negative outcomes.

So… yeah I can see that I had tendencies of having messiah complex for sure.  And I definitely didn’t recognize it.  Well I didn’t ever really look into it actually… I just heard about it but in passing.. nothing in depth.  But I know that I”m working myself out of this.  I was already doing this without knowing I could’ve been labeled having messiah complex.  The main part of this is how much my desire to help others was affecting my well-being.  This is a huge confirmation that I’ve been realizing since I’ve been practicing conscious building for the last five years.  That’s why I’m here now continuing to question my old stories… it just doesn’t fit anymore.  I know I want to place my well-being at the top of my list.  That’s why I’ve been in isolation because I knew I needed time for myself… and I didn’t want anyone else to be a priority over my wellness.  I’m questioning how much is too much help… what’s really going to help… me doing it for them?  Or they doing it for themselves?  I had already been working on encouraging and empowering people to find their own answers.  I know how powerful we are and I trust we are already doing the work.  I keep going back to the point that existence is already perfect… I don’t need to focus my attention on everything… I want to focus my attention on my guidance to my happiness.  I can see dissolving the responsibility for all can really open me up to have more focus on what’s driving me.  I can and will be a conscious influence.  I love to nurture, but I’m more aware of the extent that is healthy for me.  My trust continues to deepen with myself, with the collective, and existence.  Nice… I needed a little more clarity of what I am working with.  It’s not like I feel I’m too attached to this, but I know the residue will be there sneaking around… so I know to continue to keep my awareness looking out.  I know right now being here with my dad… We’ve created habits together… and we need to make more conscious decisions to create a more conscious relationship.  I know I kept on thinking today… when will it be enough?  When will I finally decide that I’ve helped enough?  I continue to work, but it seems like as much as I do… I can continue to find more to help with.  How much will be enough to show my gratitude?  How much will be enough to show my love?  Why do I think I am not enough for him or him or him?  I am enough… I can give enough… I can receive enough… I”m thankful that I continue to be more aware that I’m ready to be ready to be enough for me… I’m ready to be ready to stop feeling like I have to be worthy… I am worthy to be me unconditionally.  I’m ready to be ready to be love… I’m ready to be ready to be patient.  I’m ready to be ready to become.

 

 

[withinUverse]

Alright… so… I did take two full car loads to the recycling center today.  I already had the car packed from yesterday so I dropped my dad off to the movie theater and I went to two locations to drop off the items.  I drove an hour back to the house and only took another 15 minutes to have it packed and reloaded to return to the center to unload it.  I was trying to hurry so I can try to watch a movie with my pops and not everything was ready but how I started organizing during the fall it was easy enough to get what I could.  I had to ask a little more detail on what is acceptable and it included items I wasn’t sure I’d be able to drop off so I was happy with that.  I know I said I was thinking when is it going to be enough help to purge, clean, and organize my dad’s stuff… and I was asking myself again today when I was doing it… I even mentioned it to my dad.  Actually I was talking about the discovery of developing a messiah complex and how I was learning how to heal that mindset without me knowing there was a label to what I and my influences had conditioned to become… but I found it interesting that going through the process of healing and growling I didn’t really need a label to identify what I was working on.  I was just doing it… and honestly this last round of ceremonies did it become apparent that my overly helpful manner was really distracting me from being able to be aware of my wellness.  As I’m purifying through this process its crazy that I thought of this idea of abundance and I was writing it out probably in September-Octoberish time period… and at that moment I thought I was creating a more conscious approach to abundance.  And it hasn’t been that long of time where I started this online journal and I got different results.  I feel I know I have to look at everything, but literally should I be looking at everything?  Or just what happens to come into my awareness.  I know my dad asked me how I got the idea of messiah complex and he thought that someone had commented it to me.  And I said no… I was writing and then I thought the words and then I started looking it up to see what I’d find.  My dad is definitely biased… he doesn’t even like it when I speak in a constructively critical way of my behavior in the past and now… he thinks I’m too hard on myself.  I reassured him that just because I found this doesn’t mean I”m going to stop helping people.  I just know I’m not going to ignore myself anymore.  I told him… if I get drained by trying to help people… and I’m not aware of it… then I’ll be thinking I’m helping them out but in reality I’m only helping a fraction to when I’m fully charged up.  I find when I’m fully charged.. I’m more efficient.  I believe that’s why I”m able to get through this material purging process… I’m charged up and I’m focused… but I’m not overdoing it.  So I don’t know when is enough to help my dad, but I do know I’m not getting depleted… I’m pacing myself and not pressuring myself either.  Yes I feel like I want to move in a different direction soon, but I’m trying to calm that part of me who wants to rush.  I know I still have enough energy and focus to give to my dad’s project… I want to help and I know I’m not going to do as much as I would if it was my own situation and a part of me still feels bad… I’m trying to figure out.  I don’t expect someone to come and do my shit for me.  Right… I was the type that was hard to receive from others.  I’m still working on that still.  I know how much enjoyment I get from giving, but I stop that in others who want to give to me.  Let’s say I’m getting better.  Many people like to give me little material things to say thank you or I’m thinking of you.. and I appreciate the thought… but honestly I then feel obligated to keep these little trinkets… lol… most know that I’m more of a nomadic type right now and so I try to explain that spending quality time is much more to me then a trinket… not in those words, but we get the idea.  

I’ve been learning how to be more direct in my communications with people.  I didn’t realize how bad I was at this.  Again I didn’t want to hurt their feelings… but I was running into the situation where several people seem to be bored and was needy with trying to get my attention.  I’m sure we run into this and possibly we might be doing this ourselves… but do we find people who don’t really have anything to say to us but send something.. like sending memes all the time.  They aren’t having any conversation to have context of why they think we might like a meme… I’ve had people only send me memes or even videos and nothing else.  I’d even say hello there… how are you?  How does this video or meme make you feel?  I’m trying to figure out how to have conversations instead.  But the responses are short, no depth, and many times they hadn’t even watched the video themselves… it just has something interesting in the title so they thought of me… lol… I’ve had to warn and also remove people from being able to communicate this ways to me.  There’s one lady who I’ve warned several times… she’s in her 70s and she’s a librarian.. she dances salsa and she’s part of my drum circle… I adore her… but I keep warning her and she apologizes all the time, but it’s like she forgets and then starts right back up.  there are other people who just wants to reach out on almost a daily basis without really wanting to engage in anything.. just wanting attention.  This right here is another way I get drained… lol… first of all when I reach out to people… most of the time I want to discuss something… also if I’m going to send a video it’s because of something we’ve already discussed.  I’m not sure but I figured that’s why people chat… right?  I feel if they don’t have anything to say to me directly then that’s what posts are for… lol… they can post their videos and memes or how they feel about the weather on their posts… why are they using our opportunity to have a one on one conversation with these things… lol… I know it might seem silly, but when several people are doing it… it’s tiring.. and when I get a few people to stop… then I have a new set to deal with… lol… Because that’s the way I communicate.. at first I felt obligated to watch all these videos… I thought they wanted to talk about the videos… and that didn’t seem to be the case either.  I have to tell them… I’m not a bored person.  Rarely do I find myself bored.  I have been drawn to things that occupy my time… I’m not looking to find more things that I’m not really interested in to occupy more of my time… lol.  I’m always hoping to find people who like to have in depth conversations or even interesting ones… lol… and maybe I give my information out too freely.  I’ve been placing my social media accounts to private so it deters people from friending me… lol.. I don’t know why I am being so selective right now.  It’s actually bothering me.  Boundaries have been a struggle for me to build, but I know it’s very helpful… but I really wish I didn’t have to.  I have many friends who approach communication similarly… we can go long periods of time without messaging and then when we do… we just flow with our conversations and we’re both engaged and curious what’s been going on.  I love this style.  That’s what I would consider quality conversations… with independent individuals.  I’m wondering if I was attracting codependent people because I knew I was trying to learn how to not feel responsible for everyone?  Is that why I’m being so selective right now too?  I know my tendency to get more involved then I’m ready for.  Honestly I don’t want to always be selective, but it’s something I have to develop back. Into again.  Before I wasn’t selective but I got drained… no I’m selective so I don’t get drained.  Once I get used to this mindset of not needing to help everyone I engage with will I slow down the codependent relationships?  I know I’m getting better because once I start seeing signs I address it.  being firm with my boundaries lessens the time of feeling obligated…I know that feeling is my own issue and I know thinking I’m going to hurt people’s feelings is another issue that is my own.  I know it’s not them.  When I get clear and direct responses… I know the expectations of the relationship I’m involved with.  So that’s why I try to do the same.  I’m not certain what I’m getting at, but there seems to be something I’m searching for that I feel is in a blind spot.  But it’s just not letting itself known at this time.  So… I’ll continue with the day.

I communicated with the mapacho maestro today which was good.  He doesn’t speak much English and I don’t speak much Spanish, but with translator it really helps… but I know there is still something amiss many times.  I’m not sure if it’s how I word it and it doesn’t translate clearly for them… but I see it.  Also I know most of my questions aren’t answered.  That was the case today.  I told him I wanted more information about the mapacho diet.  And he responded a typical response one might want to hear… mapacho will connect with the earth elements to assist in ceremony and going through the diets will help cure.  He said the dieta is 7 to 8 days.  I’ll be served fruits and vegetables while I’m on my dieta.  He told me the cost… about $800.  I thanked him for giving me the information but I had a few more questions.  I asked if he would be open to doing a monthly dieta and where I can be taught on how to prepare mapacho alongside him… prepare for dieta and also for smoking… it he would be willing to teach.  He didn’t really give an answer, but the response was I would need a shaman to guide me through dieta.  Ok wait… let me find my conversation and see what all was said… I hear he is the top mapacho shaman around.  When I met him… I got good vibes but it was a brief encounter.  But I’m getting pickier in who I work with and I’m not sure how to approach this decision.  So I’m going to see if I can digest it more… 

Me: 

Hello maestro (name).  I'm a friend of (name).  I'm (name) we met a few years ago, and I'm interested in participating in a mapacho diet.  I would like to know what that involves please.  (When I was translating it had something different interpretation.  The last line said… I would like to know what that is please.  That’s interesting because there’s a difference between those two interpretations… but anyway let’s continue.))

Maestro: 

Ok (name) the tobacco diet connects you with the earth elements connects with nature and cosmos and if you believe in god it also works in the spirit soul and physical body

it is for 7 days day 8 short diet is food is fruits and vegetables you have a house cabin bring personal things cost is 3000 soles each diet

those who want to learn take 12 trees in diet each master tree is a diet and in the end a super tobacco and they have knowledge to cure people

Me:

thanks for the information.  I've been learning how to heal people with Aya.  I have shared a ceremony with my shamans and I learned my first dieta of pion colorado, ajo sacha, and plantas voladora.  I was able to lead two solo ceremonies and realized how much more grounding I want to support me as I continue.  I know I'd like to go on a tobacco diet next.  when you say 12 trees…I would have to start with them before I could just diet tobacco?

 

(Looking back at the translation… it looks like he wants to do the 12 trees before mapacho to me… but I didn’t really understand that so that’s why I asked the question directly.) 

 

Maestro: 

welcome to the world of the medicine

Me:

Yes, thank you… It is very special!  

I realize how badly I want to die (I did not know I sent this… I definitely did not want to send this message to say this… see… I knew it wasn’t translating what I was saying correctly… lol… I wonder what he thought when he read that… lol… i meant dieta) , but I feel like I hear the elements of the earth calling me…so I'm trying to figure out my options.  I have spoken with different shamans about the mapacho, but I still remember you and that is why I would like to consult more information.  All your services last one week_ I know the diet is different, but I wonder if there are monthly options?  I am so grateful to have brought plant medicine into my life.  I am excited and looking to continue growing.

Maestro: 

you have to keep growing

Me: 

I don't see how it's possible to stop.  to be honest I would like to learn how to prepare tobacco too.  not only to diet but to smoke if you get to be able to teach.

Maestro: 

It is necessary to be guided well, you can handle the medicine better

Me: 

I trust medicine, but I also see differences with the shamans with whom I share the ceremony.  I'm sure it's experience, but when I was doing my solo ceremonies I received messages that weren't like the messages when I'm sharing space.  I realized that I wanted to be more grounded.  I have joined again and I have been isolated for six months to process the diet and the ceremonies.  the messages are guiding me and I know a little about what I want to be more grounded.  I guess I have more stability with the shamans I work with.  I hope it makes sense.  I express a lot, but I'm not an ordinary American.  I have dedicated my life to integrating ceremonies.  I don't have a job right now because my focus is creating my authenticity and I know what drives.  to work with plants among others, but I take it seriously

Maestro: 

If, according to the knowledge and power of the medicine giver, you connect the elements, the shamans do not know, that is different.

Me: 

yes… I hear that he speaks to me (This wasn’t translated correctly either… lol… I hear the messages being spoken for me)… haha… I don't know much Spanish and in fact it has helped me strengthen myself with medicine.  I have obtained my authority in the messages I receive.  but I appreciate any help with medicine with the shamans I work with.  we are here to share and our connection can become who we are

Maestro: 

yes

So… I saw a few times where it didn’t translate what I was trying to say… but I had to re-read this again because I don’t think we were exactly on the same page… lol.  I’m still curious to speak with him more.  My friend said he can help communicate if i need it… and I might need to do just that… lol.  My friend said he would do just a mapacho dieta and I believe that’s what I would like.  I don’t think I’m interested at this time to do 12 tree dietas before the mapacho dieta.  My friend said he’d suggest to do three to four diets a year… so minimum it would be 3 years before I would be able to diet mapacho on its own.  Mapacho is a part of all dieta just like it’s a part of all ceremonies.  There’s a pinch of mapacho that’s placed with the master plant.  So I would like to get that confirmed.  If he’s willing to do a mapacho diet for the first dieta and then see how well we work together before I can decide whether to continue with the 12 trees.  I understand he is a specialist in mapacho, but I don’t know if I’m wanting to be a tobacco shaman like himself and my friend too.  It may be possible but I don’t see myself committing to that before I see how he works with mapacho.  I know I found him interesting when I met him… he seemed like a unique type of shaman and that’s probably why I still remember him and curious about him still.  I’ll talk to my friend and see if I can get clarification.  Again to remind myself my friend said that if I decide to participate in the full tobacco program that he would say not to work with any other shaman except the tobacco shaman… and I already know I will not be able to work in that manner… there are shamans I know I’m going to continue to work with every time in Peru.  We’re building a stronger relationship in ceremonies as partners.  I know I need to get back to learning more of the language… lol.

I thought maybe I might be interested in exploring the conversations I had with the new guy who I went on the hike with… but honestly I’m not really drawn to discussing it at least not yet… maybe not at all.  I’m wondering if I want to continue with the expedition too… but I feel like I’m just not feeling in the flow right now.  I’m tired and my little buddy wants some attention and I’d rather do that for awhile and then head to bed… lol… oh I’ve been trying out playing online games of Mastermind and Boggle… it was really good to see my butt being kicked in Boggle… lol… it makes me want to increase my speed but also my vocabulary… lol… mastermind was too easy using six colors and patterns of four without duplicate colors.  I was happy to see the option to allow duplicate colors so it’s challenging again.  Alright… until next time then