A new Journal, stars

[SilentTears]

This is the start of my new journal

wow it’s been years since I’ve been here

 

so much life experience from every single one of you.

barely 19 years old, currently in the military. 

i just wanted a place to sort my thoughts, I don’t plan to really dig deep into this forum. 
i just wanted to start taking consciousness more seriously. 
im so unconscious  fuck.

i know how it feels to be more conscious then I am now. It’s kinda weird how I can feel and experience my state of consciousness

 

I’d say in the past I was pretty conscious. Now I’m much more stable, have a solid life, easily interact with people irl. Basically a normal life. Took years to build myself back up. 
 

my story: 

I used to meditate every day. Sometimes 20 minutes other times hours. Sometimes just used to sit there for hours. I still had bullshit in between but I was very focused on consciousness. Used to have awakenings of surrender and love if you know you know. When I was 14-16 

just something in me snapped cause at that time I was still living with my parents. How could I have developed myself in that aspect of life but not progressed in reality. So I put a hold on meditation. On everything. And was like fuck it I’ll build back up the life I surrendered. (This itself was a HUGE realization to me)
Joining the army was perfect cause it gave me no time to meditate, busy all day, made friends, learned how to interact with people my age again. For the first few months it was so foreign to talk to people my age. Just completely different wavelengths. ? “that’s hella cute” all the slang they use. Reintegrating into society. 
 

pretty much hermited myself all of Highschool took months off just to sit and meditate. Bro was such an amazing experience in my life. Had such realizations not only into my awareness and consciousness but also into energy, spirits etc. had crazy experiences with everyone I was meeting online but it just wasn’t what I was looking for. 
 

Gave up the life of love for REALITY. Cause that’s why. Itself is the reason. REALITY. 
i can’t fully understand at the moment cause I’m not at the level to see it. 
i just know that leaving “this” behind completely is easy(edit: as well as  the hardest thing. We could say I never completely gave up on this because I didn’t just pack my stuff and leave forever pursuing consciousness. So I don’t have really any place to say this but I was on the boarderline) compared to living a life and retaining that conscious state. It’s easy to meditate all day, not pay rent etc. you know. But that’s not life. Life isn’t meant to be easy. Challenge myself to improve. 

gave up my reality for love —-> then gave up the bliss and awareness of reality again. I feel like I’m still missing a piece of it all but that’s it in a nutshell. Now I want to take on both sides. 
sacrifice the bullshit and distractions of my life for spirit, god, christ, love while maintaining this life I have. Blossem into whatever I’m meant to be 

Edited March 28, 2023 by SilentTears
Context

[SilentTears]

I’ll write here daily, 

I’ll put how my day was, realizations of life, what I did and just about anything on my mind. 
 

I’ll commit myself to being more conscious and I’ll check how much I’ve grown every month. Just imagining meditating again makes my heart quiver and shake violently inside me. Haha my body already know. 
 

i once mediated a month or two back and my body would not stop shaking for hours. Fucking painful ? whole body just nerves got overwhelmed. 
 

I’ll take it slow. 30 min daily?

wish me luck ? appreciate it guys. (If everyone even reads this ) 

[SilentTears]

Here’s a picture of myself. Cool to finally upload one

today: It’s barely 3 pm got to go work out or mediate. 
had some internal conflict realized within myself today. Something I always knew but it was just choosing my path. Feels like everything I do has deep consequences or surprise gifts. Nothing is ever as shallow as it looks. 
feel better then yesterday. Oh yeah, I decided to delete all social media apps. Wanted to experience life again without those distractions. 

I’ll upload another post after I finish what I have to do. I want to end every day on a positive note. Or feel accomplished in some manner.