Thoughts About Spiral Dynamics & Dating & Friendships

[ValiantSalvatore]

I've almost hooked up with this girl and said no, when she texted me late at night to meet I said no because of exams and I am very strict here, we vibe pretty well, yet she has a major red flag for me (smoking occasionally any cigarettes is a 100% no go, so it's for me a hook-up) I told her I am going to meet the girl I dated, and that I've had no romantic feelings for her which is true, and odd to even say to a stranger. She had clear boundaries for this, I thought it's a bit regressive and still respected it, as I've visited female friends with boyfriend who were more Yellow/Green+ in character. She looks more for a relationship with me accepting her flaws I presume and feel. Although not having female friends just restricts me into a worldview I don't agree. 

What are your guys thoughts on higher SD development and female to male friendships when there are no emotions and romantic sparks and it's strictly platonic? I've had multiple female friends who I enjoyed hanging out with and the PUA guy said it enlarges one social circle and social proof. I prefer having one healthy female friendship, instead of dating someone who smokes. I can guess answers from earlier stages than Green about this topic. This girl I dated recently was high Yellow with strong Orange and confusion about why Green is so toxic. So it's very nice to have a fun, active, spontaneous and non-judgemental friend. She is obviously unaware of her development. What are your guys and girls thoughts about male to female friendships from Orange+ onwards? It seems like stage orange really has some f*ed opinions when I check some random videos that pop-up in my feed. I am generally looking to make better decisions here for the longhaul here. Have you guys and girls who peg themselves higher on SD levels had deep friendship and companionship from the opposite sex, without causing it drama? 

I caused drama once, and even afterwards it was fine, as she had clear boundaries and I was pretty young and naive. I basically learned from that mistake. Nothing also happend in terms of cheating etc. 
The other girl we are still friends, and she would simply introduce myself to her boyfriend for example as well as emotionally support me in dire times and we'd pretty much have a good time. Same with best friends and very close friends girlfriends, if we'd be down to do smth. there would not be any doubts, or maybe some slight mocking to check if everything is fine and just beign playful like nothing toxic. For example going shopping with my best friends girlfriend for dates etc. Stuff like this seems very casual and orange+. I don't know what the fuzz is about with no female friends in that sense.

Obviously nothing excessive just chill and casual meetings. What are your thoughts also about girls and guys who have a no opposite sex friends policy?

Edited March 27, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[universe]

I think, with two friends who find each other attractive. One female, the other male, both heterosexual. It is just a matter of time something can/will happen.

That is just nature.

How you create and design your relationship around that is what you have to decide together with your partner.

[ValiantSalvatore]

8 hours ago, universe said:

I think, with two friends who find each other attractive. One female, the other male, both heterosexual. It is just a matter of time something can/will happen.

Sounds plausible. It's pleasent when there is no attraction and things last for a while. Friendships usually don't last forever in that sense.

Thanks for the tiny insight and feedback. Repetition can be nice.  

[lizz_luna]

It is definitively hard to have a strong male/female relationship if they are both heterosexual and attracted to each other. A friendship is a solid foundation for a relationship.

I have a VERY close friend and when I met him, he would identify as homosexual. After doing multiple mushroom trips together, the intimacy and connection we built was so profound to the point he started doubting his sexuality and we tried to be in a relationship, which obviously didnt work because indeed he is physically attracted to males haha. Gave me perspective though, we are good friends and roommates now but it is hard sometimes for me to accept that simply we are not compatible. I think that is the case where friendships stay like friendships. There is no compatibility nor desire to go further for specific reasons.

[CARDOZZO]

@ValiantSalvatore

Here’s a good book about integral relationships (Ken Wilber’s model).

This can help finding partners on your level of consciousness.

May be difficult, but worth trying.

https://www.amazon.com/Integral-Relationships-Manual-Martin-Ucik/dp/0984570306

(Note: it’s not an affiliate link ?)

Edited March 29, 2023 by CARDOZZO

[ValiantSalvatore]

1 hour ago, CARDOZZO said:

Here’s a good book about integral relationships (Ken Wilber’s model).

This can help finding partners on your level of consciousness.

May be difficult, but worth trying.

https://www.amazon.com/Integral-Relationships-Manual-Martin-Ucik/dp/0984570306

(Note: it’s not an affiliate link ?)

Thanks mate, I don't have the luxury time for reading currently, I saw some posts here, I can't fully tell if it is a duplicate. I bought one course from Dr. Keith Witt and did parts of it for a relationship course, that is also an interesting ressources to have and share from you.


https://www.integralpsychology.org/integral-relationships.html

Edited March 29, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

1 hour ago, lizz_luna said:

It is definitively hard to have a strong male/female relationship if they are both heterosexual and attracted to each other. A friendship is a solid foundation for a relationship.

I have a VERY close friend and when I met him, he would identify as homosexual. After doing multiple mushroom trips together, the intimacy and connection we built was so profound to the point he started doubting his sexuality and we tried to be in a relationship, which obviously didnt work because indeed he is physically attracted to males haha. Gave me perspective though, we are good friends and roommates now but it is hard sometimes for me to accept that simply we are not compatible. I think that is the case where friendships stay like friendships. There is no compatibility nor desire to go further for specific reasons.

Thanks for the interesting share! I never heard a story like this it's funny and brave, also that the two of you tried and seemed to get along very well. As well as can stay platonic afterwards for me this is a sign of maturity. 

[lizz_luna]

@ValiantSalvatore  It was actually extremely messy and chaotic. I was in a relationship at the time and had everything, good chemistry, depth, intimacy but the depth that you build with someone doing psychedelics, and shadow work is very strong. I had to leave my relationship at the time and event after trying with my friend and it not working and just being friends only for 8+ months, when I tried to start another relationship it really felt apart because I haven't moved on fully. It makes so much sense logically to let it go but emotionally It is tough.

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

23 minutes ago, lizz_luna said:

It was actually extremely messy and chaotic. I was in a relationship at the time and had everything, good chemistry, depth, intimacy but the depth that you build with someone doing psychedelics, and shadow work is very strong. I had to leave my relationship at the time and event after trying with my friend and it not working and just being friends only for 8+ months, when I tried to start another relationship it really felt apart because I haven't moved on fully. It makes so much sense logically to let it go but emotionally It is tough.

Yeah, it depends I did it a couple of times with guy friends, the one female friend I had was disinterested in doing it together, most likely for reasons you mentioned to much depth, shadow and trauma etc.. She was also deeply moved by the experience and was glad (at least during that time), that she did it. I unfortuantely missed out till now on that experience, with guy friends that was also a level of just depth in a platonic way, obviously just like very deep trippy sh*t, so to speak. With bro's and friend groups. It was definitively enrichening. 

For sure relationships when they are emotionally intense can be quiet heart breaking and it makes sense to reconnect and re-orient oneself towards what it was that caused all of this and to move on and find a new lighthouse, then these cycles repeat depending on depths...and get deeper. That is the thing about the shadow it's endless from everything I've read and heard, so far. Even the best healers continue healing in some way I bet. 

Relationships are certainly a mastery process, and having someone willing to do this is what I find challenging. 

Edited March 30, 2023 by ValiantSalvatore

[CARDOZZO]

@ValiantSalvatore Yes, that's it.