Best way to stop being validation seeking?

[PurpleTree]

Are there certain steps one could try to take that helped you or someone else?

[Wolfgang Winterkaise]

Without knowing much else about you, maybe validation serves to fine-tune your perception and you're just being conscientious and overthinking. Can you provide us with more context of situations when the validation seeking behavior starts?

[PurpleTree]

28 minutes ago, Wolfgang Winterkaise said:

Without knowing much else about you, maybe validation serves to fine-tune your perception and you're just being conscientious and overthinking. Can you provide us with more context of situations when the validation seeking behavior starts?

Yess Wolfgang ?

when i‘m alone i‘m often at peace and zen-ish. But around people i overthink a lot and find it hard to be very comfortable. I can be zen a little bit sometimes around people i can even be very social (moreso than many others) but it’s not stable and an unfriendly face can already put me in hyperdrive. So then i‘m always trying to see that i‘m ok which is a kind of validation seeking. For example today i was talking to (nice) women for about 5 hours because i‘m travelling. Sometimes I could make them laugh or whatever which is nice but then i overthink it. Sometimes i feel a bit comfortable but moreso uncomfortable. It‘s slightly comfortable/uncomfortable/tense/overthinking 

and all i‘m trying to do in these convos is basically feeling comfortable

Edited March 27, 2023 by PurpleTree

[Wolfgang Winterkaise]

I see, I think we're both similar in this way. There's a push and pull, receive and reflect, relate and respond in conversation but its not totally harmonious. There's a feeling of you pressing forward with a certain sharpness and then stepping back and putting the power in their hands with a feeling of error or guilt. We're deep and ruminate from nature's chthonic depths regardless of the body language or mundane topic in conversation.

I'm not better at solving this issue myself but can lose my critical self-awareness and be comfortable if the topic of conversation is something I'm genuinely interested in and competent at.

Also develop some virility in the face of challenge. Virility. It's energy, its fire, it’s the spirit that makes life worth living. It puts one ready for adventure. I can't teach others to act this way and to move to a higher form of understanding it needs no terminology at all. People who understand it, understand it in their blood. It's the blood where real understanding comes from, it isn't an intellectual process. In fact, the intellect can be a crippling thing. It doesn't reflect the intellect or dry academia, it is vital existence. 

[PenguinPablo]

Notice the drawbacks... you are forever dependent on others.

You are giving away your power by doing this. Continue to pay close attention and reflect on this dynamic. What are the benefits and cons. Does it bring you peace or strife?

Then you let it go.

Detachment!!!

[NoSelfSelf]

Without knowing yourself, you wont know what to think, so you need others to think ,so you depend on them thus need their validation...

If you knew what to think and value your thought(btw all world does is trying to beat that out of you) you will need others and their validation...

Edited March 27, 2023 by NoSelfSelf

[CARDOZZO]

This can help

 

[PurpleTree]

I feel like i put too much on my shoulders, like most things are ny fault and if things aren’t going perfect it’s not good enough, especially bad stuff becomes my fault, so then everything becomes a bit heavy and tense instead of fun and light. Sometimes this can take on ridiculous extremes, like a few days ago inwas on a night tour with 7 other random ppl to see wild animals. So then we didn‘t see sloths which everybody wanted to see. So some people were disappointed. So then i felt shame and as if it was my fault that we didn‘t see that dumb sloth. Which is crazy. But i was also the most social in that group, i think i was the only one who basically talked to everyone, which is also weird.

 

Edited March 27, 2023 by PurpleTree

[PurpleTree]

1 hour ago, CARDOZZO said:

This can help

 

Thanks dude i‘ll check it out

[PurpleTree]

Also i often come from the sellers frame. „Like i have to entertain you“ if i could switch to the buyers frame that would be neat. Probably less pressure

[PurpleTree]

Seems like i can connect to people sometimes quite easily and deeply. But then i‘m scared to do something wrong to loose that connection And walk on eggshells from there on.

[cjoseph90]

On 27/03/2023 at 5:38 PM, CARDOZZO said:

This can help

 

Great video. Thanks for sharing

[CARDOZZO]

@cjoseph90

Enjoy it!  

[CARDOZZO]

@PurpleTree

Also I recommend reading "Pursuing Consciousness - Peter Ralston" and "Actualizations - Stewart Emery".

The only way of stop seeking validation is changing the way you relate to human beings and their thoughts, feelings, reactions about you.

You have to create a new way to relate to humans at all.

[PurpleTree]

On 27.3.2023 at 10:38 AM, CARDOZZO said:

This can help

 

Nice Watched it

But does just saying “i’m powerful, or i act powerful” to oneself really change a mindset and pattern over time?

[CARDOZZO]

@PurpleTree

I would ask: 

How can I create a relationship with people where I am completely open to feedback?

Contemplate that.

Check out Leo’s video on how to contemplate.

[CARDOZZO]

Actually, one of the best things that I’m doing right now is feeling my whole body, every part, equally and profoundly feel all parts of your body.

Paradoxically, connecting more and more with your body will give yourself freedom to open more to people around you.

The more you are inside your body, feeling all body 360°, more you can be powerful in different domains (social, intelectual).

A great book that teaches that is “Zen Body Being - Peter Ralston”.

You’ll heal a lot of problems just by reconnecting and fully felling, occupying and accepting your body as it is.

Edited March 29, 2023 by CARDOZZO

[CARDOZZO]

One Principle:

Stop Controlling People.

Contemplate how powerful your life can be if you just stop control everyone around you.

Contemplate why you love controlling people.

Contemplate how your quality of life could improve without control.

Contemplate how your own thinking creates what other people are thinking about you.

Contemplate why you’re mind-reading and assuming people are thinking about yourself.

[Buck Edwards]

A few months ago when I first started getting serious about personal development, I did some emotional release exercises, I identified my no.1 feeling as ‘appreciated’. A little further down the line, I started recognizing my need to move away from approval seeking (surely a necessary move for self-esteem, self-reliance, and personal development in general). I’ve been aware of the dissonance between these two goals for a while, but am now ready to tackle it.

I feel that building myself up so that I don’t rely on validation by others is a hugely positive and important thing. However, I’m a little reticent to abandon my goal of seeking it as I’ve identified it as the time when I am most happy in life.

There are two strands of my thinking here:

• If the alternative to external validation is self-validation, I suppose the idea is that with enough self-esteem you can match or even trump the happiness you get from feeling valued by friends and family, with the added benefit of complete control. I have pretty healthy self-esteem (although it’s got its defects, I’m ironing out the creases), but it’s hard to imagine ever not getting a boost when I feel appreciated.
• Someone abandoning approval seeking doesn’t need to reject socially-gained positive emotions, they just don’t actively seek it. This logic suggests that I should keep an open heart to enjoy the pleasures of social appreciation, but take it off my list and abandon the chase for it. However, keeping proactive in my pursuit of it isn’t just about behaving needily/ neurotically in my social life - there are subtler ways of engineering my life to feel appreciated more, like making sure I have lots of time for socializing. But I guess this is still approval seeking? This raises the question: if you abandon approval seeking entirely, why would you socialize at all? Is it as simple as a wants vs needs attitude, or does being excessively self-reliant risk missing out on some forms of happiness?